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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:01,199 --> 00:00:02,998 Announcer: This program is rated TV ma-l 2 00:00:02,999 --> 00:00:04,998 and contains strong language and adult content. 3 00:00:04,999 --> 00:00:06,498 Viewer discretion advised. 4 00:00:07,499 --> 00:00:09,498 - All aboard! 5 00:00:09,499 --> 00:00:14,498 [Evil laughter] 6 00:00:14,499 --> 00:00:16,499 - [Voice echoing] We are high priests. Warlocks. 7 00:00:18,499 --> 00:00:21,498 We're Vatican assassins. 8 00:00:21,499 --> 00:00:24,499 This rock star must make them weep. 9 00:00:30,499 --> 00:00:34,498 I'm an f-18, bro. 10 00:00:34,499 --> 00:00:40,498 - [Singing] I'm going off the rails on a crazy train 11 00:00:40,499 --> 00:00:48,498 I'm going off the rails on a crazy train 12 00:00:48,499 --> 00:00:52,499 - this is the "comedy central roast of Charlie sheen." 13 00:00:56,499 --> 00:00:59,498 And now, please welcome your roastmaster, 14 00:00:59,499 --> 00:01:02,498 Seth macfarlane. 15 00:01:02,499 --> 00:01:04,499 [Cheers and applause] 16 00:01:07,499 --> 00:01:09,499 - Ladies and gentlemen... 17 00:01:13,499 --> 00:01:15,498 Thank you. 18 00:01:15,499 --> 00:01:16,498 Thank you very much. 19 00:01:16,499 --> 00:01:18,498 Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. 20 00:01:18,499 --> 00:01:19,498 I'm Seth macfarlane, 21 00:01:19,499 --> 00:01:22,498 and, yes, the big night is finally here. 22 00:01:22,499 --> 00:01:27,498 Welcome to the "comedy central roast of Charlie sheen." 23 00:01:27,499 --> 00:01:31,498 [Cheers and applause] 24 00:01:31,499 --> 00:01:34,498 Yes, we're here tonight to honor and hopefully arrest 25 00:01:34,499 --> 00:01:38,498 a man who was great in two things 25 years ago, 26 00:01:38,499 --> 00:01:40,498 Charlie sheen. 27 00:01:40,499 --> 00:01:43,498 Actually, there's a lot of sheen on TV 28 00:01:43,499 --> 00:01:44,498 this evening when this show airs. 29 00:01:44,499 --> 00:01:46,498 Tonight on "two and a half men," 30 00:01:46,499 --> 00:01:48,498 they're actually having Charlie's pretend funeral, 31 00:01:48,499 --> 00:01:49,498 believe it or not. 32 00:01:49,499 --> 00:01:51,498 There's no need to switch over, though. 33 00:01:51,499 --> 00:01:52,498 Just wait a few months. 34 00:01:52,499 --> 00:01:54,498 You can probably see the real thing. 35 00:01:54,499 --> 00:01:59,498 [Laughter] 36 00:01:59,499 --> 00:02:02,498 I mean, we all know there's a good chance 37 00:02:02,499 --> 00:02:03,498 Charlie will be dead soon, 38 00:02:03,499 --> 00:02:07,499 so I wrote an o-- an obituary. 39 00:02:10,499 --> 00:02:12,498 "Charlie sheen, who became a tabloid fixture 40 00:02:12,499 --> 00:02:15,498 "due to his problems with drugs and alcohol, 41 00:02:15,499 --> 00:02:16,498 was found dead in his apartment--" 42 00:02:16,499 --> 00:02:18,498 actually, you know what? 43 00:02:18,499 --> 00:02:23,498 I kind of actually just copied Amy winehouse's obituary. 44 00:02:23,499 --> 00:02:26,498 It's--it's--I only had to change three things, though. 45 00:02:26,499 --> 00:02:28,498 The sex of the deceased, the location of the body, 46 00:02:28,499 --> 00:02:31,499 and the part that says, "a talent that will be missed." 47 00:02:36,499 --> 00:02:41,498 - We love Charlie! 48 00:02:41,499 --> 00:02:42,498 - All right. So I know Tyson's 49 00:02:42,499 --> 00:02:43,498 not gonna kick the shit out of me. 50 00:02:43,499 --> 00:02:45,498 That's good news. 51 00:02:45,499 --> 00:02:47,498 So we're gonna take a few pokes at him here tonight, 52 00:02:47,499 --> 00:02:51,498 but there is no denying that Charlie sheen is an icon. 53 00:02:51,499 --> 00:02:54,498 You've seen him on TV. You've seen him in movies. 54 00:02:54,499 --> 00:02:55,498 And if you're a prostitute, 55 00:02:55,499 --> 00:02:57,498 you've seen him point a gun at your face 56 00:02:57,499 --> 00:02:58,499 while you try to get him hard. 57 00:03:02,499 --> 00:03:04,498 I tell you, look at this dais behind me. 58 00:03:04,499 --> 00:03:06,498 These are a bunch of nobodies. 59 00:03:06,499 --> 00:03:07,498 I honestly cannot tell where the dais ends 60 00:03:07,499 --> 00:03:09,498 and the audience begins. 61 00:03:09,499 --> 00:03:13,498 It's all kind of blending together. 62 00:03:13,499 --> 00:03:15,498 Mike Tyson is here. 63 00:03:15,499 --> 00:03:21,498 [Cheers and applause] 64 00:03:21,499 --> 00:03:25,498 - Fucking-- - Mike--what the fuck? 65 00:03:25,499 --> 00:03:27,498 You're retired. Fix your fucking teeth. 66 00:03:27,499 --> 00:03:29,498 For God sakes. 67 00:03:29,499 --> 00:03:32,498 You know, George foreman at least is making money 68 00:03:32,499 --> 00:03:36,499 off his shitty grill. 69 00:03:39,499 --> 00:03:42,498 We've--we've got the great William shatner, 70 00:03:42,499 --> 00:03:43,498 of course. 71 00:03:43,499 --> 00:03:48,498 [Cheers and applause] 72 00:03:48,499 --> 00:03:51,498 Who's been getting rave reviews for his new interview show, 73 00:03:51,499 --> 00:03:54,498 "raw nerve," where he asks the tough questions 74 00:03:54,499 --> 00:03:57,498 others are afraid to ask of people like weird Al yankovic, 75 00:03:57,499 --> 00:04:01,498 kelsey grammer, and Scott baio. 76 00:04:01,499 --> 00:04:04,498 Who the--who the fuck is booking that show? 77 00:04:04,499 --> 00:04:05,498 Are they-- 78 00:04:05,499 --> 00:04:06,498 are they just using a page 79 00:04:06,499 --> 00:04:09,498 from Kate Walsh's 1987 diary entry entitled, 80 00:04:09,499 --> 00:04:11,498 "guys I need to blow to get started in Hollywood"? 81 00:04:11,499 --> 00:04:15,498 Is that-- 82 00:04:15,499 --> 00:04:17,498 - Kate's not old enough for that stuff, man. 83 00:04:17,499 --> 00:04:20,498 - Kate, why are you here? What are you doing here? 84 00:04:20,499 --> 00:04:22,498 You should not be here. 85 00:04:22,499 --> 00:04:24,498 Steve-O from "jackass" is here! 86 00:04:24,499 --> 00:04:29,498 [Cheers and applause] 87 00:04:29,499 --> 00:04:31,498 Look at him. 88 00:04:31,499 --> 00:04:33,498 He's always got that shit-eating grin on his face... 89 00:04:33,499 --> 00:04:36,498 From eating shit. 90 00:04:36,499 --> 00:04:38,498 - [Cackling] 91 00:04:38,499 --> 00:04:39,498 - So, Charlie sheen, 92 00:04:39,499 --> 00:04:42,498 this is a man who lives like his hearse is double-parked, 93 00:04:42,499 --> 00:04:44,498 so while we still have time, 94 00:04:44,499 --> 00:04:46,498 let's take a look back at the work 95 00:04:46,499 --> 00:04:51,498 that paid for all that cocaine. 96 00:04:51,499 --> 00:04:56,498 - Gentlemen... He's back. 97 00:04:56,499 --> 00:04:57,498 - Hey, buddy. 98 00:04:57,499 --> 00:04:58,498 - And they're off and running. 99 00:04:58,499 --> 00:05:00,498 - Now cool off. 100 00:05:00,499 --> 00:05:02,498 - Oh, I am cool. 101 00:05:02,499 --> 00:05:06,498 You should see me when I'm hot. 102 00:05:06,499 --> 00:05:07,498 - What are you looking at? 103 00:05:07,499 --> 00:05:09,498 - What are you smiling at, huh? 104 00:05:09,499 --> 00:05:11,498 - How many yachts can you water-ski behind? 105 00:05:11,499 --> 00:05:13,498 How much is enough? 106 00:05:13,499 --> 00:05:15,498 - I am your daughter. - No, you're not. 107 00:05:15,499 --> 00:05:16,498 - Aah! - Gah! 108 00:05:16,499 --> 00:05:18,498 - Are too, too, too, too, too... 109 00:05:18,499 --> 00:05:19,498 - Not, not, not, not, not, not... 110 00:05:19,499 --> 00:05:21,498 - "Are too" times ten. 111 00:05:21,499 --> 00:05:23,498 - Tiger blood. Yes, it's real. 112 00:05:23,499 --> 00:05:24,498 It's as real as me. 113 00:05:24,499 --> 00:05:26,498 - [Singing] It's the eye of the tiger 114 00:05:26,499 --> 00:05:28,498 it's the thrill of the fight 115 00:05:28,499 --> 00:05:34,498 rising up to the challenge of our rivals 116 00:05:34,499 --> 00:05:35,498 - we got warrants! We're the law! 117 00:05:35,499 --> 00:05:37,498 - Golf clap? - Golf clap. 118 00:05:37,499 --> 00:05:41,498 - [Singing] And he's watching us all with the eye 119 00:05:41,499 --> 00:05:44,498 of the tiger [Tiger roars] 120 00:05:44,499 --> 00:05:46,498 - Some are saying that you're bipolar. 121 00:05:46,499 --> 00:05:48,498 - I'm bi-winning. Winning! 122 00:05:48,499 --> 00:05:50,498 - Charlie sheen has got to be on drugs again. 123 00:05:50,499 --> 00:05:51,498 - Sure. - Drugs? 124 00:05:51,499 --> 00:05:53,498 - I am on a drug. It's called Charlie sheen. 125 00:05:53,499 --> 00:05:54,498 Reminder-- tiger blood. 126 00:05:54,499 --> 00:05:56,498 - [Singing] With a shot of tiger blood... 127 00:05:56,499 --> 00:05:58,498 - Winner, winner, chicken dinner--I don't think so. 128 00:05:58,499 --> 00:06:00,498 Winner, winner, sheen dinner! 129 00:06:00,499 --> 00:06:02,498 Winning. Pretty fucking cool, huh? 130 00:06:02,499 --> 00:06:04,498 - Due to pending legal action, 131 00:06:04,499 --> 00:06:05,498 we are unable to show you a scene 132 00:06:05,499 --> 00:06:08,498 from "two and a half men" at this time. 133 00:06:08,499 --> 00:06:11,498 - Strike this motherfucker out. 134 00:06:11,499 --> 00:06:12,499 - Wild thing delivers. 135 00:06:17,499 --> 00:06:21,498 - You are the sexiest man I have ever laid eyes on. 136 00:06:21,499 --> 00:06:22,499 - Check. 137 00:06:26,499 --> 00:06:28,498 - You know, I've lived a pretty wild life, 138 00:06:28,499 --> 00:06:31,498 with the drinking and the hookers and the drugs 139 00:06:31,499 --> 00:06:32,498 and the hookers. 140 00:06:32,499 --> 00:06:33,498 - Ugh. You're such a pig. 141 00:06:33,499 --> 00:06:35,498 - You know, usually I have to date a woman 142 00:06:35,499 --> 00:06:37,498 before she treats me this way. 143 00:06:37,499 --> 00:06:38,498 - There's my life. Deal with it. 144 00:06:38,499 --> 00:06:41,499 It's on. Bring it. Winning. Buh-bye. 145 00:06:43,499 --> 00:06:47,498 [Cheers and applause] 146 00:06:47,499 --> 00:06:49,498 - And now, ladies and gentlemen, 147 00:06:49,499 --> 00:06:51,498 it's time to bring out the man of the hour. 148 00:06:51,499 --> 00:06:53,498 He went from "Ferris Bueller's day off" 149 00:06:53,499 --> 00:06:55,498 to having every day off. 150 00:06:55,499 --> 00:06:58,498 Please welcome the rock star from Mars, 151 00:06:58,499 --> 00:07:00,498 Charlie sheen. 152 00:07:00,499 --> 00:07:02,498 [Cheers and applause] 153 00:07:02,499 --> 00:07:06,498 [Train whistle blows] 154 00:07:06,499 --> 00:07:12,499 [Rock music] 155 00:07:38,499 --> 00:07:39,498 - Wow. Wow! 156 00:07:39,499 --> 00:07:41,499 Wow! Wow! 157 00:07:46,499 --> 00:07:50,498 Wow. Wow, wow, wow. 158 00:07:50,499 --> 00:07:52,498 Wow. 159 00:07:52,499 --> 00:07:54,498 Unbelievable. Thank you. Thank you. 160 00:07:54,499 --> 00:07:55,498 - Have fun. 161 00:07:55,499 --> 00:07:57,498 - Slash! 162 00:07:57,499 --> 00:08:00,498 [Cheers and applause] 163 00:08:00,499 --> 00:08:03,498 How are you, Seth? - Charlie. 164 00:08:03,499 --> 00:08:06,208 - Ahh. Thank you. 165 00:08:06,209 --> 00:08:08,498 - There he sits, the man of the hour. 166 00:08:08,499 --> 00:08:10,498 Charlie, you claim to have tiger blood, 167 00:08:10,499 --> 00:08:12,498 but with all the porn stars you've banged, 168 00:08:12,499 --> 00:08:14,498 it's probably just Tiger Woods' blood, 169 00:08:14,499 --> 00:08:16,499 I'm guessing. 170 00:08:21,499 --> 00:08:22,498 You have a lot of nicknames for yourself. 171 00:08:22,499 --> 00:08:24,498 You say you're a Vatican assassin, 172 00:08:24,499 --> 00:08:25,498 whatever that is. 173 00:08:25,499 --> 00:08:27,498 Charlie, the Vatican does not have assassins. 174 00:08:27,499 --> 00:08:28,498 - No. 175 00:08:28,499 --> 00:08:29,498 - If they want to shut someone up, 176 00:08:29,499 --> 00:08:30,498 they just buy 'em ice cream 177 00:08:30,499 --> 00:08:33,499 and tell 'em if they talk, Jesus will kill their parents. 178 00:08:38,499 --> 00:08:41,498 Now, as you may know, 179 00:08:41,499 --> 00:08:43,498 Charlie sheen is not his birth name. 180 00:08:43,499 --> 00:08:47,499 His original Spanish name is señor drugs. 181 00:08:49,499 --> 00:08:50,498 Kidding aside, though, 182 00:08:50,499 --> 00:08:53,498 Carlos estevez took his dad's name, 183 00:08:53,499 --> 00:08:55,498 yes, to gain credibility as an actor. 184 00:08:55,499 --> 00:08:57,498 I've seen your films, 185 00:08:57,499 --> 00:08:59,498 and you don't really act like a sheen. 186 00:08:59,499 --> 00:09:01,498 But, you know, with your rap sheet 187 00:09:01,499 --> 00:09:02,498 and briefcases of coke, 188 00:09:02,499 --> 00:09:04,499 you're definitely acting like a Carlos. 189 00:09:06,499 --> 00:09:09,083 Charlie went on to star in TV and film, 190 00:09:09,084 --> 00:09:10,498 both drama and comedy. 191 00:09:10,499 --> 00:09:11,498 He was the star of "hot shots"... 192 00:09:11,499 --> 00:09:16,375 [Cheers and applause] 193 00:09:16,376 --> 00:09:17,498 Which is also what Charlie feels 194 00:09:17,499 --> 00:09:18,498 when he takes a piss. 195 00:09:18,499 --> 00:09:21,498 [Laughter] 196 00:09:21,499 --> 00:09:23,498 I really think you and Emilio should do a follow-up 197 00:09:23,499 --> 00:09:25,498 to the movie "men at work," 198 00:09:25,499 --> 00:09:27,498 and you can call it "men who don't work anymore." 199 00:09:27,499 --> 00:09:29,498 Right? That would be... 200 00:09:29,499 --> 00:09:31,498 I'll help-- I'll help you write that. 201 00:09:31,499 --> 00:09:34,498 But, uh, of course a very public meltdown 202 00:09:34,499 --> 00:09:35,498 changed the landscape. 203 00:09:35,499 --> 00:09:36,498 It's interesting, 204 00:09:36,499 --> 00:09:38,498 when you think about the firing of Charlie sheen 205 00:09:38,499 --> 00:09:40,498 tells you all you really need to know about Hollywood. 206 00:09:40,499 --> 00:09:43,498 You can abuse drugs. You can abuse your spouse. 207 00:09:43,499 --> 00:09:44,498 You can trash hotel rooms. 208 00:09:44,499 --> 00:09:46,498 You can solicit prostitutes. 209 00:09:46,499 --> 00:09:48,498 But don't you ever, ever call a Jewish guy 210 00:09:48,499 --> 00:09:51,499 by his actual Jewish name. 211 00:09:59,499 --> 00:10:02,498 Charlie has found ways to make money, though, since the firing. 212 00:10:02,499 --> 00:10:04,498 He's got is own iPhone app. 213 00:10:04,499 --> 00:10:05,498 It's amazing, actually. 214 00:10:05,499 --> 00:10:08,498 You type in your height, your weight, your date of birth, 215 00:10:08,499 --> 00:10:10,498 you answer a few questions about your personality, 216 00:10:10,499 --> 00:10:12,498 and then it shoots Kelly Preston. 217 00:10:12,499 --> 00:10:14,499 [Laughs] Sorry. 218 00:10:23,075 --> 00:10:26,074 He is dependent upon no man and no thing... 219 00:10:26,075 --> 00:10:29,074 Except crack, Jack, crank, meth, ludes, 220 00:10:29,075 --> 00:10:31,074 Vicodin, blow, acid, uppers, poppers, 221 00:10:31,075 --> 00:10:32,074 "e," nitrous, dust, hash, 222 00:10:32,075 --> 00:10:36,074 and this one boner medicine from Norway. 223 00:10:36,075 --> 00:10:39,074 He's the reason a dick with cocaine on it 224 00:10:39,075 --> 00:10:41,075 is called a "sheenis." 225 00:10:44,075 --> 00:10:46,074 - Wow. 226 00:10:46,075 --> 00:10:48,075 Wow. 227 00:10:52,075 --> 00:10:53,074 - He's still with us, Charlie sheen. 228 00:10:53,075 --> 00:10:56,284 In fact, Charlie just celebrated his 46th birthday... 229 00:10:56,285 --> 00:10:59,074 [Cheers and applause] - Thank you. 230 00:10:59,075 --> 00:11:02,074 Thank you. 231 00:11:02,075 --> 00:11:05,074 - A statement no one thought we would ever hear-- 232 00:11:05,075 --> 00:11:10,074 kind of like, "get jeselnik on the phone." 233 00:11:10,075 --> 00:11:12,074 Or... 234 00:11:12,075 --> 00:11:17,074 Or "Jeff Ross'll pay for it." 235 00:11:17,075 --> 00:11:20,075 Or jon lovitz saying, "one cock at a time, please." 236 00:11:28,075 --> 00:11:31,074 Charlie allegedly made a prostitute cry 237 00:11:31,075 --> 00:11:32,074 at the Plaza hotel. 238 00:11:32,075 --> 00:11:34,074 I want to tell you though, Charlie, I think she's lying, 239 00:11:34,075 --> 00:11:35,074 'cause I saw the scene 240 00:11:35,075 --> 00:11:37,074 where you got arrested in "wall street." 241 00:11:37,075 --> 00:11:39,075 You can't even make yourself cry. 242 00:11:45,075 --> 00:11:48,074 But, you know, with all those "dangerous jobs" shows on TV, 243 00:11:48,075 --> 00:11:50,074 like the ones about crab fishing, ice road trucking, 244 00:11:50,075 --> 00:11:52,074 why is there no show 245 00:11:52,075 --> 00:11:54,074 about the most dangerous job out there-- 246 00:11:54,075 --> 00:11:58,074 being an escort for Charlie sheen? 247 00:11:58,075 --> 00:12:00,074 How long must we wait for the first season 248 00:12:00,075 --> 00:12:01,074 of "deadliest snatch"? 249 00:12:01,075 --> 00:12:04,074 I'm ready to see that right-- 250 00:12:04,075 --> 00:12:08,074 right now. 251 00:12:08,075 --> 00:12:09,074 Honestly, Charlie, 252 00:12:09,075 --> 00:12:11,074 I never thought I would live to see the night 253 00:12:11,075 --> 00:12:12,074 that you would live to see this night. 254 00:12:12,075 --> 00:12:14,074 I really didn't. 255 00:12:14,075 --> 00:12:19,074 And now our first roaster, jon lovitz. 256 00:12:19,075 --> 00:12:21,074 [Cheers and applause] 257 00:12:21,075 --> 00:12:24,074 He was one of the stars of a "Saturday night live" cast 258 00:12:24,075 --> 00:12:28,075 that the critics have hailed as "not the worst." 259 00:12:34,075 --> 00:12:37,074 I think of jon lovitz when I think of wit. 260 00:12:37,075 --> 00:12:38,074 And I also think of jon lovitz 261 00:12:38,075 --> 00:12:40,074 when I want to keep from coming too soon. 262 00:12:40,075 --> 00:12:43,074 He's... 263 00:12:43,075 --> 00:12:45,074 At his old job on "snl," 264 00:12:45,075 --> 00:12:47,074 he coined the phrase, "that's the ticket," 265 00:12:47,075 --> 00:12:49,074 a line that he still uses in his current job 266 00:12:49,075 --> 00:12:51,074 as a valet parking attendant. 267 00:12:51,075 --> 00:12:53,074 Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome the star 268 00:12:53,075 --> 00:12:54,074 of "two and a half chins," 269 00:12:54,075 --> 00:12:56,074 one of my favorite "snl" comics ever, 270 00:12:56,075 --> 00:12:58,074 jon lovitz. 271 00:12:58,075 --> 00:13:01,075 [Cheers and applause] 272 00:13:10,075 --> 00:13:14,074 - Thank you for that introduction, Seth macfarlane. 273 00:13:14,075 --> 00:13:16,074 Anyway, I am jon lovitz, 274 00:13:16,075 --> 00:13:18,074 although I think most of you know me by my stage name-- 275 00:13:18,075 --> 00:13:20,074 j-lo. 276 00:13:20,075 --> 00:13:22,074 Thank you. 277 00:13:22,075 --> 00:13:23,074 Well, look at this dais. 278 00:13:23,075 --> 00:13:26,074 Oh, you know, my good friend Harvey levin from "tmz" 279 00:13:26,075 --> 00:13:28,074 was supposed to be here tonight, 280 00:13:28,075 --> 00:13:32,074 but he got stuck in his boyfriend. 281 00:13:32,075 --> 00:13:35,074 Genius! Thank you. 282 00:13:35,075 --> 00:13:37,074 And we've got my old friend, Mike Tyson is here. 283 00:13:37,075 --> 00:13:38,074 Yes, sir. 284 00:13:38,075 --> 00:13:41,074 You know, his boxing nickname is iron Mike, 285 00:13:41,075 --> 00:13:43,074 which is what the guards used to scream at him 286 00:13:43,075 --> 00:13:44,074 in the prison laundry. 287 00:13:44,075 --> 00:13:48,074 - I don't do that anymore, jon. 288 00:13:48,075 --> 00:13:50,074 - Well, I know you don't do that anymore. 289 00:13:50,075 --> 00:13:52,074 You're not in prison anymore. 290 00:13:52,075 --> 00:13:55,075 - Just making it clear. 291 00:13:58,075 --> 00:14:01,074 - He's funny. 292 00:14:01,075 --> 00:14:04,074 Hey, how did Amy schumer get here? 293 00:14:04,075 --> 00:14:06,074 I'd ask whose dick she sucked to get on the dais, 294 00:14:06,075 --> 00:14:08,074 but she's dating Anthony jeselnik, 295 00:14:08,075 --> 00:14:10,074 so I'll just ask him. 296 00:14:10,075 --> 00:14:15,075 Anthony, whose dick did Amy suck to get on the dais? 297 00:14:16,075 --> 00:14:19,074 Who else is-- oh, hello, Steve-O. 298 00:14:19,075 --> 00:14:20,074 Yes, sir. 299 00:14:20,075 --> 00:14:21,074 Talked to Steve-O this morning. 300 00:14:21,075 --> 00:14:23,074 I said, "how's your day going?" 301 00:14:23,075 --> 00:14:26,074 He said, "great. I woke up, took a big shit, 302 00:14:26,075 --> 00:14:28,075 then got out of bed"... 303 00:14:31,075 --> 00:14:34,074 And Kate Walsh is here. 304 00:14:34,075 --> 00:14:35,074 She plays a baby doctor on her show. 305 00:14:35,075 --> 00:14:38,074 She actually thinks she's one in real life. 306 00:14:38,075 --> 00:14:39,074 You know, Kate could play younger roles, 307 00:14:39,075 --> 00:14:41,074 but, uh, she lacks one thing: 308 00:14:41,075 --> 00:14:44,075 Moisture. 309 00:14:46,075 --> 00:14:49,074 - It's true. 310 00:14:49,075 --> 00:14:51,074 Very dry. 311 00:14:51,075 --> 00:14:53,074 - You know, unlike all you people on this dais, 312 00:14:53,075 --> 00:14:55,074 I, uh-- I actually know Charlie, 313 00:14:55,075 --> 00:15:00,074 and I'm famous. 314 00:15:00,075 --> 00:15:01,074 No, he's my friend. 315 00:15:01,075 --> 00:15:02,074 I've known him for about 18 years, 316 00:15:02,075 --> 00:15:04,074 and I can tell you he's nothing like the character 317 00:15:04,075 --> 00:15:08,074 he plays on "tmz." 318 00:15:08,075 --> 00:15:11,074 And people say, "oh, he's crazy," 319 00:15:11,075 --> 00:15:13,074 you know, just because he likes beautiful women 320 00:15:13,075 --> 00:15:15,074 to come to his house, have sex with him, 321 00:15:15,075 --> 00:15:16,074 and then leave. 322 00:15:16,075 --> 00:15:18,075 What a nut. 323 00:15:22,075 --> 00:15:24,074 First time I hung out with Charlie 324 00:15:24,075 --> 00:15:26,074 was at his house after the super bowl. 325 00:15:26,075 --> 00:15:28,074 Bunch of hot chicks showed up, and... 326 00:15:28,075 --> 00:15:31,074 I looked up, I saw my old girlfriend, and... 327 00:15:31,075 --> 00:15:36,074 Charlie put his arm around me and said, "pick a hooker." 328 00:15:36,075 --> 00:15:41,074 First time in my life I cried and came at the same time. 329 00:15:41,075 --> 00:15:43,075 No, it wasn't. 330 00:15:46,075 --> 00:15:47,074 And now a joke. 331 00:15:47,075 --> 00:15:49,074 How much blow can Charlie sheen do? 332 00:15:49,075 --> 00:15:52,074 Enough to kill "two and a half men." 333 00:15:52,075 --> 00:15:56,075 [Laughter and applause] 334 00:15:59,075 --> 00:16:03,074 I'm kidding. The man is misunderstood. 335 00:16:03,075 --> 00:16:05,074 Eight-balls of heroin-- bad for you? 336 00:16:05,075 --> 00:16:06,074 Or as Charlie sees it, 337 00:16:06,075 --> 00:16:09,074 the most important meal of the day. 338 00:16:09,075 --> 00:16:11,074 Now, sure, things got pretty crazy for a while. 339 00:16:11,075 --> 00:16:13,074 He was all mixed up. 340 00:16:13,075 --> 00:16:15,074 But he knew it was time to get straight 341 00:16:15,075 --> 00:16:16,074 when he put his dick in his coke 342 00:16:16,075 --> 00:16:19,074 and his razor in his hooker. 343 00:16:19,075 --> 00:16:21,074 And did you know Charlie's-- 344 00:16:21,075 --> 00:16:23,074 according to the torah, he's Jewish? 345 00:16:23,075 --> 00:16:25,074 And not because his mother's a Jew, 346 00:16:25,075 --> 00:16:27,074 but because CBS paid him $50 million 347 00:16:27,075 --> 00:16:30,075 and he still sued the network. 348 00:16:35,075 --> 00:16:37,074 Now, listen, despite what you read, 349 00:16:37,075 --> 00:16:40,074 Charlie's still close to all of his exes. 350 00:16:40,075 --> 00:16:41,074 Why, well, just recently, 351 00:16:41,075 --> 00:16:43,074 he took Brooke Mueller to Mexico... 352 00:16:43,075 --> 00:16:45,074 Where he banged her ass so hard, 353 00:16:45,075 --> 00:16:47,075 three balloons of coke fell out. 354 00:16:52,075 --> 00:16:54,074 But Charlie's a gentleman. 355 00:16:54,075 --> 00:16:57,075 He put them back in. 356 00:17:00,075 --> 00:17:02,074 Picture it! 357 00:17:02,075 --> 00:17:04,074 Thank you. 358 00:17:04,075 --> 00:17:10,075 [Cheers and applause] 359 00:17:15,075 --> 00:17:16,074 - All right. 360 00:17:16,075 --> 00:17:19,074 Our next roaster is Kate Walsh. 361 00:17:19,075 --> 00:17:22,074 [Cheers and applause] 362 00:17:22,075 --> 00:17:25,074 Why are you here? 363 00:17:25,075 --> 00:17:27,074 Let me say that it is a thrill 364 00:17:27,075 --> 00:17:31,075 to be around the hottest, sexiest woman of 2002. 365 00:17:33,075 --> 00:17:35,074 Let's give a big round of meno-plause 366 00:17:35,075 --> 00:17:39,074 for the beautiful and talented Kate Walsh. 367 00:17:39,075 --> 00:17:43,075 [Cheers and applause] 368 00:17:52,075 --> 00:17:53,074 - Seth macfarlane, 369 00:17:53,075 --> 00:17:54,074 the only difference between you 370 00:17:54,075 --> 00:17:56,074 and the hooker Charlie locked in the closet 371 00:17:56,075 --> 00:17:58,074 is that the hooker eventually came out. 372 00:17:58,075 --> 00:18:02,075 [Laughter] [Cheers and applause] 373 00:18:07,075 --> 00:18:10,074 After years of playing a doctor on "grey's anatomy" 374 00:18:10,075 --> 00:18:11,074 and "private practice," 375 00:18:11,075 --> 00:18:13,074 people actually think I'm a real doctor, 376 00:18:13,075 --> 00:18:14,074 so I figured, "fuck it. 377 00:18:14,075 --> 00:18:17,074 "I'm gonna start giving some professional diagnoses 378 00:18:17,075 --> 00:18:19,074 to these people over here." 379 00:18:19,075 --> 00:18:22,074 For instance, Jeff Ross, 380 00:18:22,075 --> 00:18:23,826 your results have come back, 381 00:18:23,827 --> 00:18:25,074 and I'm going to tell you something 382 00:18:25,075 --> 00:18:29,074 that you have never heard about any of your TV pilots. 383 00:18:29,075 --> 00:18:33,074 You tested positive. 384 00:18:33,075 --> 00:18:36,074 Congratulations, Jeff. 385 00:18:36,075 --> 00:18:37,074 And, Jeff, listen, 386 00:18:37,075 --> 00:18:39,074 I know you're concerned about your complexion, 387 00:18:39,075 --> 00:18:42,074 but you have to stop letting Mike Tyson 388 00:18:42,075 --> 00:18:44,075 come all over your face. 389 00:18:56,075 --> 00:18:57,074 - He looks good. I like the way he looks. 390 00:18:57,075 --> 00:18:59,074 - Thank you very much. 391 00:18:59,075 --> 00:19:01,074 - People ask me all the time, "what is good cholesterol?" 392 00:19:01,075 --> 00:19:04,074 Like I know, but look, there's a lot of debate. 393 00:19:04,075 --> 00:19:07,074 I think we can all agree that good cholesterol is anything 394 00:19:07,075 --> 00:19:10,075 that gives jon lovitz a fatal heart attack. 395 00:19:15,075 --> 00:19:17,075 Jon lovitz. 396 00:19:22,075 --> 00:19:25,074 Oh. 397 00:19:25,075 --> 00:19:27,575 No, wake up, jon. There's more. 398 00:19:31,945 --> 00:19:33,944 But I have to break doctor-patient confidentiality. 399 00:19:33,945 --> 00:19:35,944 Your results came back, 400 00:19:35,945 --> 00:19:37,944 and it turns out that that embarrassing, 401 00:19:37,945 --> 00:19:39,944 nasty parasite on your penis 402 00:19:39,945 --> 00:19:41,945 is Amy schumer. 403 00:19:44,945 --> 00:19:47,944 And there is no cure. 404 00:19:47,945 --> 00:19:50,944 I'm so, so happy to see that William shatner is here, 405 00:19:50,945 --> 00:19:54,944 because a medical colleague told me that you passed on. 406 00:19:54,945 --> 00:19:57,944 I said, "bullshit. Have seen his resume? 407 00:19:57,945 --> 00:20:00,945 Shatner's never passed on anything." 408 00:20:05,945 --> 00:20:07,944 - Just wait. - [Laughs] 409 00:20:07,945 --> 00:20:09,944 [Rolls tongue] 410 00:20:09,945 --> 00:20:12,944 You look great. I mean, your skin is so tight. 411 00:20:12,945 --> 00:20:14,944 I can't tell if you've had a face-lift 412 00:20:14,945 --> 00:20:16,945 or vaginal rejuvenation. 413 00:20:19,945 --> 00:20:22,944 Patrice O'Neal, I understand you have diabetes, 414 00:20:22,945 --> 00:20:23,944 and as you know, 415 00:20:23,945 --> 00:20:26,944 this disease is very serious and often linked to a poor diet. 416 00:20:26,945 --> 00:20:28,944 So my advice is simple. 417 00:20:28,945 --> 00:20:31,945 Grape soda does not count as a fruit. 418 00:20:33,945 --> 00:20:37,944 Mr. sheen, the doctor will see you now. 419 00:20:37,945 --> 00:20:38,944 I have to say, Charlie, 420 00:20:38,945 --> 00:20:40,944 you are an incredible medical specimen. 421 00:20:40,945 --> 00:20:42,944 I guess that's one of the benefits 422 00:20:42,945 --> 00:20:45,945 of waking up every morning at the crack of crack. 423 00:20:49,945 --> 00:20:50,944 And, you know, it's amazing. 424 00:20:50,945 --> 00:20:52,944 Despite all those years of abusing your lungs, 425 00:20:52,945 --> 00:20:54,944 your kidneys, your liver, 426 00:20:54,945 --> 00:20:57,945 the only thing you've had removed is your kids. 427 00:21:04,945 --> 00:21:07,944 Admittedly, Charlie gets a little confused sometimes. 428 00:21:07,945 --> 00:21:08,944 He's the only guy who pulls a knife 429 00:21:08,945 --> 00:21:12,945 on a woman who's already willing to fuck him. 430 00:21:16,945 --> 00:21:17,944 - I'll drink to that. 431 00:21:17,945 --> 00:21:19,944 I'll drink to that. 432 00:21:19,945 --> 00:21:21,944 - Mike will drink to that. 433 00:21:21,945 --> 00:21:24,944 But is Charlie really the worst guy here? 434 00:21:24,945 --> 00:21:26,944 So he made a chick blow him for 30 grand. 435 00:21:26,945 --> 00:21:28,944 Mike Tyson makes you blow him... 436 00:21:28,945 --> 00:21:31,944 [Imitating Mike tyson] "'Cause I said so. That's why." 437 00:21:31,945 --> 00:21:33,945 [Laughter] 438 00:21:38,945 --> 00:21:39,944 - I'll drink to that too. 439 00:21:39,945 --> 00:21:41,944 I'll drink... 440 00:21:41,945 --> 00:21:44,945 - Isn't that right, Steve-O? 441 00:21:48,945 --> 00:21:50,944 And so, Charlie, I'm happy to say, 442 00:21:50,945 --> 00:21:53,944 whether it's your adonis DNA, your tiger blood, 443 00:21:53,945 --> 00:21:55,944 or the drug called Charlie sheen, 444 00:21:55,945 --> 00:21:59,944 for some reason, you're able to defy science and medicine 445 00:21:59,945 --> 00:22:02,944 and continue to survive. 446 00:22:02,945 --> 00:22:06,944 I'll pencil you in for your relapse next week. 447 00:22:06,945 --> 00:22:09,944 Thank you so much. Good night. 448 00:22:09,945 --> 00:22:12,945 [Cheers and applause] 449 00:22:20,945 --> 00:22:21,944 - All right. 450 00:22:21,945 --> 00:22:23,944 Here comes Jeff Ross... 451 00:22:23,945 --> 00:22:28,944 [Cheers and applause] 452 00:22:28,945 --> 00:22:30,944 Who actually toured with Charlie. 453 00:22:30,945 --> 00:22:32,944 You know, I always thought Jeff was a terrible comic, 454 00:22:32,945 --> 00:22:34,944 until I learned that he actually is 455 00:22:34,945 --> 00:22:38,944 seriously, for real, mentally retarded. 456 00:22:38,945 --> 00:22:42,944 And now I think he's an inspiration and a hero. 457 00:22:42,945 --> 00:22:45,944 So please welcome America's special needs comedian, 458 00:22:45,945 --> 00:22:47,944 Jeff Ross. 459 00:22:47,945 --> 00:22:50,945 [Cheers and applause] 460 00:22:57,945 --> 00:23:00,944 - Give it up for the warlock! 461 00:23:00,945 --> 00:23:02,944 [Cheers and applause] 462 00:23:02,945 --> 00:23:06,944 Friends, roasters, enablers, 463 00:23:06,945 --> 00:23:10,945 lend Mike Tyson your ears. 464 00:23:14,945 --> 00:23:16,944 Because this lineup is so pathetic, 465 00:23:16,945 --> 00:23:20,945 I was hoping I'd get replaced by Ashton kutcher. 466 00:23:23,945 --> 00:23:26,944 What a bunch of nobodies we're left with. 467 00:23:26,945 --> 00:23:29,945 Is this a roast or the republican primaries? 468 00:23:33,945 --> 00:23:36,944 - Fuck you, Jeff! - Thank you! 469 00:23:36,945 --> 00:23:39,944 I'm fuckin' scared of that guy. 470 00:23:39,945 --> 00:23:42,945 This is hard. How do you roast a meltdown? 471 00:23:44,945 --> 00:23:46,944 Charlie's meltdown was so bad, 472 00:23:46,945 --> 00:23:49,945 Al Gore's making a documentary about it. 473 00:23:52,945 --> 00:23:53,944 Tell us, Charlie. 474 00:23:53,945 --> 00:23:58,944 How do you go from being TV's highest-paid actor ever 475 00:23:58,945 --> 00:24:03,944 to being the highest actor ever to be on TV? 476 00:24:03,945 --> 00:24:06,944 Charlie's nostrils are so snotty and full of coke, 477 00:24:06,945 --> 00:24:08,945 he calls them the Hilton sisters. 478 00:24:14,945 --> 00:24:17,944 But listen, Charlie, after eight seasons, was it? 479 00:24:17,945 --> 00:24:19,944 Eight seasons of "two and a half men," 480 00:24:19,945 --> 00:24:22,945 it's great to finally see you doing a comedy show. 481 00:24:25,945 --> 00:24:27,944 You got so fucked by Ashton kutcher, 482 00:24:27,945 --> 00:24:30,945 your name should be demi Moore's vagina. 483 00:24:36,945 --> 00:24:37,944 Instead of getting his life together, 484 00:24:37,945 --> 00:24:40,944 Charlie went out on a national comedy tour... 485 00:24:40,945 --> 00:24:42,944 Where every night, Charlie, you walked on stage 486 00:24:42,945 --> 00:24:46,944 and you told the audience you were a warlock from Mars. 487 00:24:46,945 --> 00:24:47,944 Oh, maybe you are. 488 00:24:47,945 --> 00:24:49,944 But I'll tell you what you're not-- 489 00:24:49,945 --> 00:24:51,945 a comedian from earth. 490 00:24:56,945 --> 00:24:58,944 Charlie sheen is to stand-up 491 00:24:58,945 --> 00:25:01,945 what Larry flynt is to standing up. 492 00:25:07,945 --> 00:25:08,944 Charlie, if you're winning, 493 00:25:08,945 --> 00:25:11,945 then something's wrong with the fucking scoreboard. 494 00:25:14,945 --> 00:25:15,944 Come on, man. 495 00:25:15,945 --> 00:25:17,944 Charlie, if you're winning, 496 00:25:17,945 --> 00:25:20,945 then this must not be a child custody hearing. 497 00:25:22,945 --> 00:25:26,945 The only time your kids get to see you is in reruns. 498 00:25:28,945 --> 00:25:32,945 Charlie, don't you want to live to see their first 12 steps? 499 00:25:36,945 --> 00:25:38,944 You're the black sheep of a family 500 00:25:38,945 --> 00:25:42,945 responsible for three "mighty ducks" movies. 501 00:25:44,945 --> 00:25:46,944 You make your own father ashamed 502 00:25:46,945 --> 00:25:49,945 that he shares the same fake name as you. 503 00:25:51,945 --> 00:25:53,944 Martin sheen and Emilio estevez 504 00:25:53,945 --> 00:25:54,944 said they would have been here tonight, 505 00:25:54,945 --> 00:25:57,945 but they had a family obligation. 506 00:26:06,945 --> 00:26:08,944 Charlie's never lonely. Don't worry. 507 00:26:08,945 --> 00:26:09,944 I've been up to that house. 508 00:26:09,945 --> 00:26:13,944 I can tell you that Charlie is stockpiling whores up there. 509 00:26:13,945 --> 00:26:15,944 The place is packed with whores. 510 00:26:15,945 --> 00:26:18,945 Charlie, you should be on "hoarders." 511 00:26:20,945 --> 00:26:22,944 Charlie sheen has paid for so much sex, 512 00:26:22,945 --> 00:26:26,945 he keeps his credit card under his balls to save time. 513 00:26:29,945 --> 00:26:31,944 Oh, poor Charlie. 514 00:26:31,945 --> 00:26:34,944 Poor Charlie has the weight of the world on his shoulders. 515 00:26:34,945 --> 00:26:36,944 And patrice O'Neal has it on his knees. 516 00:26:36,945 --> 00:26:39,944 [Giggles] 517 00:26:39,945 --> 00:26:41,944 Patrice, you told me you would never do a roast, 518 00:26:41,945 --> 00:26:45,945 and now here you are, you sickle-cell out! 519 00:26:47,945 --> 00:26:48,944 You like that one? 520 00:26:48,945 --> 00:26:50,944 I love you, patrice. 521 00:26:50,945 --> 00:26:52,945 Why are you dressed like a gay umpire? 522 00:26:57,945 --> 00:27:00,944 Anthony jeselnik, some say you're the next Greg giraldo. 523 00:27:00,945 --> 00:27:02,945 Let's hope so. 524 00:27:06,945 --> 00:27:08,944 Corbin bernsen show up? 525 00:27:08,945 --> 00:27:09,944 - Yes! 526 00:27:09,945 --> 00:27:10,944 - Where is he? 527 00:27:10,945 --> 00:27:12,944 Hey, buddy. How you doin', man? 528 00:27:12,945 --> 00:27:13,944 Star of "major league" with Charlie, 529 00:27:13,945 --> 00:27:14,944 that's cool. 530 00:27:14,945 --> 00:27:16,944 We didn't even invite him tonight. 531 00:27:16,945 --> 00:27:19,945 He called into a radio station and won tickets. 532 00:27:22,945 --> 00:27:24,944 Where's slash? There he is. 533 00:27:24,945 --> 00:27:26,944 Slash, you were awesome in the open of the show, man. 534 00:27:26,945 --> 00:27:28,944 That was cool. 535 00:27:28,945 --> 00:27:30,944 Always in that top hat, man. 536 00:27:30,945 --> 00:27:33,944 You're like the Abe Lincoln of rock and roll... 537 00:27:33,945 --> 00:27:35,944 Especially since you haven't had a hit 538 00:27:35,945 --> 00:27:37,944 in four score and seven years. 539 00:27:37,945 --> 00:27:39,945 Yeah. 540 00:27:43,945 --> 00:27:45,944 I'm kidding, slash. 541 00:27:45,945 --> 00:27:47,944 Thanks for playing my nephew's bar mitzvah last year. 542 00:27:47,945 --> 00:27:49,944 That was cool. 543 00:27:49,945 --> 00:27:52,944 That was really cool. 544 00:27:52,945 --> 00:27:55,944 And oh, wow, look at that. 545 00:27:55,945 --> 00:27:57,944 Looking good, Brooke Mueller. 546 00:27:57,945 --> 00:27:59,944 Charlie's ex. What's up, babe? 547 00:27:59,945 --> 00:28:00,944 - What's up? 548 00:28:00,945 --> 00:28:01,944 - She's not very bright 549 00:28:01,945 --> 00:28:04,945 unless Charlie's throwing a lamp at her. 550 00:28:06,945 --> 00:28:09,945 Too soon? 551 00:28:11,945 --> 00:28:13,944 Oh, jon lovitz. 552 00:28:13,945 --> 00:28:15,944 Great job tonight, man. That was funny. 553 00:28:15,945 --> 00:28:19,945 Nice to see you taking a break from taking a break. 554 00:28:22,945 --> 00:28:24,944 Jon, what's your catch phrase? 555 00:28:24,945 --> 00:28:26,945 "Chinning!" 556 00:28:31,945 --> 00:28:33,944 And there's our old roast honoree, 557 00:28:33,945 --> 00:28:35,944 William shatner, one of the coolest guys in the world. 558 00:28:35,945 --> 00:28:39,944 [Cheers and applause] 559 00:28:39,945 --> 00:28:41,944 I'm not gonna make fun of him, 560 00:28:41,945 --> 00:28:43,945 'cause he looks like he's on his final frontier. 561 00:28:45,945 --> 00:28:47,944 Hey, captain kirk, 562 00:28:47,945 --> 00:28:50,945 maybe Scotty can beam your balls up from the floor... 563 00:28:53,945 --> 00:28:55,944 You old pervert. 564 00:28:55,945 --> 00:28:57,944 Backstage he flashed Kate Walsh 565 00:28:57,945 --> 00:28:59,945 his graying anatomy. 566 00:29:05,878 --> 00:29:07,877 And of course, the "jackass" family 567 00:29:07,878 --> 00:29:10,877 suffered a terrible tragedy recently. 568 00:29:10,878 --> 00:29:12,878 Steve-O started doing stand-up. 569 00:29:14,878 --> 00:29:15,877 And I can't believe I get to sit 570 00:29:15,878 --> 00:29:17,877 next to the-- "iron" Mike Tyson, man, 571 00:29:17,878 --> 00:29:20,877 one of the coolest, most amazing athletes in the world. 572 00:29:20,878 --> 00:29:23,877 Thanks for rolling with the punches tonight, champ. 573 00:29:23,878 --> 00:29:25,877 - Thank you, Jeff. Thank you, Jeff. 574 00:29:25,878 --> 00:29:27,837 - I bet you haven't been shit on this hard 575 00:29:27,838 --> 00:29:28,878 since you cleaned your pigeon Coop this morning. 576 00:29:32,878 --> 00:29:36,878 Not only do you love pigeons, but you sound like one. 577 00:29:38,878 --> 00:29:39,877 Listen, I'm not gonna make fun of Mike Tyson, 578 00:29:39,878 --> 00:29:41,877 because if he-- 579 00:29:41,878 --> 00:29:43,877 - that's right. 'Cause I'm gonna shit on you tonight. 580 00:29:43,878 --> 00:29:45,877 - That's right. I know, I know. 581 00:29:45,878 --> 00:29:47,877 If you're willing to do that to your face, 582 00:29:47,878 --> 00:29:51,877 imagine what he would do to mine. 583 00:29:51,878 --> 00:29:56,877 What is that on your face, a target for pepper spray? 584 00:29:56,878 --> 00:29:58,877 Mike, the ironic thing is, 585 00:29:58,878 --> 00:30:00,877 after all the faces you bashed in, 586 00:30:00,878 --> 00:30:03,878 the one you fucked up the most is your own. 587 00:30:10,878 --> 00:30:12,877 Ah, but there's no denying the fact that Mike Tyson 588 00:30:12,878 --> 00:30:16,877 had the hardest-hitting right hook in history. 589 00:30:16,878 --> 00:30:18,877 Your opponents spent more time bleeding in the corner 590 00:30:18,878 --> 00:30:21,877 than Charlie's ex-wives. 591 00:30:21,878 --> 00:30:23,877 [Audience groans] 592 00:30:23,878 --> 00:30:27,877 Too soon? Too soon? 593 00:30:27,878 --> 00:30:29,878 Too real? Too real? 594 00:30:32,878 --> 00:30:34,877 And now that the goddesses have moved out, 595 00:30:34,878 --> 00:30:39,877 Charlie had to start snorting coke of his own dick. 596 00:30:39,878 --> 00:30:43,877 Has anybody seen your ex-goddess Bree Olson's latest movie? 597 00:30:43,878 --> 00:30:46,877 Last time I saw that many guys coming out of the same hole, 598 00:30:46,878 --> 00:30:49,878 I was watching the rescue of the Chilean miners. 599 00:30:54,878 --> 00:30:56,877 Charlie, your work has always inspired me. 600 00:30:56,878 --> 00:31:00,877 When I saw "platoon," I started caring about the troops. 601 00:31:00,878 --> 00:31:02,877 When I saw "wall street," I wanted to take over the world. 602 00:31:02,878 --> 00:31:05,877 When I saw "two and a half men," 603 00:31:05,878 --> 00:31:07,878 I wanted to get up and go see a movie. 604 00:31:09,878 --> 00:31:11,877 Charlie, by taking these punches from us tonight, 605 00:31:11,878 --> 00:31:13,877 you've proved to all your fans 606 00:31:13,878 --> 00:31:16,877 that you're the new king of the comebacks. 607 00:31:16,878 --> 00:31:17,877 Yeah. 608 00:31:17,878 --> 00:31:20,877 In fact... 609 00:31:20,878 --> 00:31:21,877 In fact, you've come on more backs 610 00:31:21,878 --> 00:31:24,878 than anyone in Hollywood. 611 00:31:28,878 --> 00:31:30,877 Charlie, when you were on the tour, 612 00:31:30,878 --> 00:31:33,877 I roasted you eight times in eight different cities. 613 00:31:33,878 --> 00:31:34,877 And I got meaner every time. 614 00:31:34,878 --> 00:31:36,877 You were a great sport, 615 00:31:36,878 --> 00:31:39,877 perhaps the greatest sport in roast history, 616 00:31:39,878 --> 00:31:41,877 and I don't know what you're gonna do next, 617 00:31:41,878 --> 00:31:43,877 but whatever you decide, 618 00:31:43,878 --> 00:31:46,877 I know firsthand that there's an army of fans out there 619 00:31:46,878 --> 00:31:51,877 waiting to check it out and support you in a big way. 620 00:31:51,878 --> 00:31:54,877 I love you guys. Thank you so much. 621 00:31:54,878 --> 00:31:57,877 The warlock--the best. 622 00:31:57,878 --> 00:32:00,878 [Cheers and applause] 623 00:32:08,878 --> 00:32:11,877 - All right, our next roaster is Mike Tyson. 624 00:32:11,878 --> 00:32:13,877 [Cheers and applause] 625 00:32:13,878 --> 00:32:15,877 Tyson has had three marriages. 626 00:32:15,878 --> 00:32:20,877 The first two ended in knockouts. 627 00:32:20,878 --> 00:32:21,877 He's a guy-- 628 00:32:21,878 --> 00:32:23,877 - I threw in the fuckin' towel. 629 00:32:23,878 --> 00:32:25,877 - Please don't murder me. He's a guy... 630 00:32:25,878 --> 00:32:28,877 [Laughter] 631 00:32:28,878 --> 00:32:31,877 He's a guy who's beaten every opponent he has gone up against 632 00:32:31,878 --> 00:32:34,877 except the letter "s." 633 00:32:34,878 --> 00:32:35,878 So... 634 00:32:38,878 --> 00:32:41,877 So now please... 635 00:32:41,878 --> 00:32:43,877 Please be patient as he sounds out his jokes. 636 00:32:43,878 --> 00:32:49,878 Ladies and gentlemen, "iron" Mike Tyson! 637 00:32:55,878 --> 00:32:57,877 - Oh, shit. 638 00:32:57,878 --> 00:33:00,003 Thank you. Thank you very much, Seth. 639 00:33:00,004 --> 00:33:03,877 Oh, man. 640 00:33:03,878 --> 00:33:07,877 Well, you know, during a very dark period in my life, 641 00:33:07,878 --> 00:33:09,877 I found inspiration 642 00:33:09,878 --> 00:33:12,877 by reading the great epic poem "the iliad." 643 00:33:12,878 --> 00:33:13,877 So, see, Seth, 644 00:33:13,878 --> 00:33:14,877 you're not the only person 645 00:33:14,878 --> 00:33:18,877 that gotten by by taking ideas from homer. 646 00:33:18,878 --> 00:33:20,877 [Speaks indistinctly] 647 00:33:20,878 --> 00:33:22,877 That's a fuckin' idiot over there. 648 00:33:22,878 --> 00:33:23,877 He's a fuckin' idiot, with that stewie. 649 00:33:23,878 --> 00:33:27,877 Okay. All right. 650 00:33:27,878 --> 00:33:29,877 Well, if I must confess, I'm really not a roaster, 651 00:33:29,878 --> 00:33:31,877 'cause of course, you know, everyone, 652 00:33:31,878 --> 00:33:32,877 I don't like hurting people. 653 00:33:32,878 --> 00:33:36,877 And, um, I'm living, you know, 654 00:33:36,878 --> 00:33:39,877 more of a spiritual life now through poetry, 655 00:33:39,878 --> 00:33:40,877 and I've written... 656 00:33:40,878 --> 00:33:42,878 [Woman giggles] 657 00:33:47,878 --> 00:33:50,877 Well, you know, I've written, you know, 658 00:33:50,878 --> 00:33:52,877 many verses in my secret garden, 659 00:33:52,878 --> 00:33:57,877 and now I'd like to share them with a few of you here today. 660 00:33:57,878 --> 00:33:58,877 Thank you, everybody. 661 00:33:58,878 --> 00:34:00,877 Well, this'll be a honor, 662 00:34:00,878 --> 00:34:03,877 because, um, as the bard once said, 663 00:34:03,878 --> 00:34:05,877 "all the world's a stage." 664 00:34:05,878 --> 00:34:09,877 And Charlie's been booed off them all, of course. 665 00:34:09,878 --> 00:34:11,877 In this first verse, 666 00:34:11,878 --> 00:34:18,877 you'll recognize the classic a-a-b-b-a poetic structure. 667 00:34:18,878 --> 00:34:21,877 There once was a old man named Ross 668 00:34:21,878 --> 00:34:24,877 whose jokes were covered with moss. 669 00:34:24,878 --> 00:34:28,877 His punch line was musty, his premise was dusty, 670 00:34:28,878 --> 00:34:33,877 I wish he'd suck on a fuckin' exhaust, you know? 671 00:34:33,878 --> 00:34:35,877 Oh. So excuse me. 672 00:34:35,878 --> 00:34:37,877 What you gonna do, Jeff? 673 00:34:37,878 --> 00:34:40,877 What the fuck you gonna do, Jeff? 674 00:34:40,878 --> 00:34:43,877 You know, I'm-- you know, I must say, you know, 675 00:34:43,878 --> 00:34:45,877 I'm rather intrigued by your puffy, grotesque 676 00:34:45,878 --> 00:34:47,877 fuckin' face, Jeff, you know? 677 00:34:47,878 --> 00:34:49,877 Normally--normally when I'm next to somebody 678 00:34:49,878 --> 00:34:51,877 whose face is grotesque as yours, 679 00:34:51,878 --> 00:34:53,877 they throw in the fuckin' towel, man. 680 00:34:53,878 --> 00:34:56,877 You're a mess, man. 681 00:34:56,878 --> 00:34:59,877 During your performance, I wish I bit my own ears off. 682 00:34:59,878 --> 00:35:00,877 You know? You fuckin' suck, man. 683 00:35:00,878 --> 00:35:02,878 You suck! 684 00:35:08,878 --> 00:35:09,877 All right. All right. 685 00:35:09,878 --> 00:35:12,877 - That was the best. - All right. 686 00:35:12,878 --> 00:35:14,877 Now-- no, come on, stop. 687 00:35:14,878 --> 00:35:17,877 I got to do this shit right. All right. 688 00:35:17,878 --> 00:35:19,877 Of course, no poetry slam would be complete 689 00:35:19,878 --> 00:35:22,877 without a tip of the beret to the beat poets. 690 00:35:22,878 --> 00:35:24,877 Now, please. 691 00:35:24,878 --> 00:35:29,877 I saw the best minds of my generation destroyed 692 00:35:29,878 --> 00:35:33,877 by madness, starving, hysterical, naked, 693 00:35:33,878 --> 00:35:37,877 dragging themselves through the negro streets at dawn 694 00:35:37,878 --> 00:35:40,877 looking for a angry fix, and I say, 695 00:35:40,878 --> 00:35:43,877 "hey, Charlie sheen, that prostitute's a fucking guy, man. 696 00:35:43,878 --> 00:35:44,877 "He's got big protruding balls. 697 00:35:44,878 --> 00:35:46,877 "He's gonna bust your stool, man. 698 00:35:46,878 --> 00:35:48,877 "Watch out! It's not a pretty sight, Charlie. 699 00:35:48,878 --> 00:35:50,877 "You'll be wearing diapers for a long time! 700 00:35:50,878 --> 00:35:52,877 Fuck! Oh." 701 00:35:52,878 --> 00:35:54,877 If I may digress... 702 00:35:54,878 --> 00:35:55,877 If I may... 703 00:35:55,878 --> 00:36:00,877 [Cheers and applause] 704 00:36:00,878 --> 00:36:01,877 I didn't do well in school, 705 00:36:01,878 --> 00:36:02,877 but I'm trying to do this shit. 706 00:36:02,878 --> 00:36:04,877 All right. 707 00:36:04,878 --> 00:36:06,796 Charlie, our next poem 708 00:36:06,797 --> 00:36:08,877 was inspired by the great Emily Dickinson, 709 00:36:08,878 --> 00:36:10,877 who I consider a real goddess. 710 00:36:10,878 --> 00:36:13,877 You know, whatever happened to them hos, man? 711 00:36:13,878 --> 00:36:14,877 Oh, oh, oh, I'm sorry. 712 00:36:14,878 --> 00:36:17,877 But, Charlie, let me remind you... 713 00:36:17,878 --> 00:36:20,877 Something every man must know. 714 00:36:20,878 --> 00:36:21,877 Once the money goes, 715 00:36:21,878 --> 00:36:22,877 so does the hos. 716 00:36:22,878 --> 00:36:26,877 Trust me on that one, Charlie. 717 00:36:26,878 --> 00:36:28,877 Man, come on, let's keep it real. 718 00:36:28,878 --> 00:36:29,877 You know, Brooke, 719 00:36:29,878 --> 00:36:31,877 Charlie had every fucking disease known to man, 720 00:36:31,878 --> 00:36:33,877 but still, you suck his dick 721 00:36:33,878 --> 00:36:36,877 before you shake Steve-O's hand, you know? 722 00:36:36,878 --> 00:36:40,878 [Speaks indistinctly] 723 00:36:43,878 --> 00:36:45,877 This wife-beating cokehead 724 00:36:45,878 --> 00:36:47,877 claims he's some rock star from Mars. 725 00:36:47,878 --> 00:36:50,877 Man, if he was black, his ass would be behind bars, you know? 726 00:36:50,878 --> 00:36:52,877 Which is fuckin' bullshit, 727 00:36:52,878 --> 00:36:53,877 because I'm the greatest poet alive! 728 00:36:53,878 --> 00:36:55,877 I'm the greatest wordsmith ever. 729 00:36:55,878 --> 00:36:56,877 I'm the--I'm Robert frost. 730 00:36:56,878 --> 00:36:58,877 I'm--I'm lord Byron. 731 00:36:58,878 --> 00:37:01,877 My verses are impetuous, my rhymes impregnable. 732 00:37:01,878 --> 00:37:03,877 I want to eat your children! 733 00:37:03,878 --> 00:37:05,877 I--I... 734 00:37:05,878 --> 00:37:10,877 [Cheers and applause] 735 00:37:10,878 --> 00:37:13,877 But, of course, I'm using poetic license, 736 00:37:13,878 --> 00:37:15,877 and, um, they haven't revoked that one yet. 737 00:37:15,878 --> 00:37:18,877 And thank you all, guys. 738 00:37:18,878 --> 00:37:22,877 May you guys continue and resume to being nasty 739 00:37:22,878 --> 00:37:24,877 and talking mean to one another. 740 00:37:24,878 --> 00:37:26,877 God bless you. Bye, guys. 741 00:37:26,878 --> 00:37:28,877 I'm finished. 742 00:37:28,878 --> 00:37:31,877 [Cheers and applause] 743 00:37:31,878 --> 00:37:33,878 - Thank you. 744 00:37:45,339 --> 00:37:49,338 [Cheers and applause] 745 00:37:49,339 --> 00:37:51,338 Anthony jeselnik's act 746 00:37:51,339 --> 00:37:52,338 combines the excitement of standing there 747 00:37:52,339 --> 00:37:57,338 with the thrill of saying words. 748 00:37:57,339 --> 00:38:00,338 You know him best from me saying his name right now. 749 00:38:00,339 --> 00:38:03,338 Please welcome a man who's got a bright future 750 00:38:03,339 --> 00:38:05,338 in something other than comedy, 751 00:38:05,339 --> 00:38:07,338 Anthony jeselnik. 752 00:38:07,339 --> 00:38:09,339 [Cheers and applause] 753 00:38:18,339 --> 00:38:19,338 - Thank you. 754 00:38:19,339 --> 00:38:22,338 Seth macfarlane, everybody, huh? 755 00:38:22,339 --> 00:38:24,338 [Cheers and applause] 756 00:38:24,339 --> 00:38:27,338 This is macfarlane's third time hosting the show, 757 00:38:27,339 --> 00:38:29,338 which should come as no surprise, 758 00:38:29,339 --> 00:38:31,338 because when Seth macfarlane does something, 759 00:38:31,339 --> 00:38:36,339 by God, he repeats the living shit out of it. 760 00:38:40,339 --> 00:38:42,338 My good friend Jeff Ross is here... 761 00:38:42,339 --> 00:38:43,338 - Yeah, buddy. 762 00:38:43,339 --> 00:38:45,338 [Cheers and applause] 763 00:38:45,339 --> 00:38:49,339 - Even though it's laundry day. 764 00:38:51,339 --> 00:38:52,338 I'm glad you're here, Jeff. 765 00:38:52,339 --> 00:38:55,338 You cannot do a roast without the roast master. 766 00:38:55,339 --> 00:39:00,338 In fact, if they ever make a mount rushmore of roasters, 767 00:39:00,339 --> 00:39:03,339 Jeff Ross will get to be a tour guide. 768 00:39:06,339 --> 00:39:08,338 And Kate Walsh... 769 00:39:08,339 --> 00:39:13,338 I don't watch that stupid show you're on. 770 00:39:13,339 --> 00:39:14,338 But I did think it was interesting 771 00:39:14,339 --> 00:39:18,338 that you have your own line of perfume, you know, 772 00:39:18,339 --> 00:39:20,338 for that special lady 773 00:39:20,339 --> 00:39:23,339 who wants to smell like "who gives a fuck?" 774 00:39:29,339 --> 00:39:30,338 I'm glad William shatner 775 00:39:30,339 --> 00:39:33,339 could squeeze this roast into his schedule... 776 00:39:35,339 --> 00:39:39,338 In between cosmetic surgeries. 777 00:39:39,339 --> 00:39:41,338 Bill, your face is so plastic 778 00:39:41,339 --> 00:39:43,338 that when you're done with it, 779 00:39:43,339 --> 00:39:45,338 they're gonna have to cut it up into little pieces 780 00:39:45,339 --> 00:39:48,339 so that birds don't die. 781 00:39:55,339 --> 00:39:57,338 What's up, Steve-O? 782 00:39:57,339 --> 00:40:00,338 You have done so many drugs 783 00:40:00,339 --> 00:40:04,338 and had your testicles crushed so many times 784 00:40:04,339 --> 00:40:07,338 that if you ever even try to have kids, 785 00:40:07,339 --> 00:40:09,339 they're gonna be just like you. 786 00:40:12,339 --> 00:40:14,338 And, Steve-O I know you were in a dark place for a while. 787 00:40:14,339 --> 00:40:16,338 You were struggling. 788 00:40:16,339 --> 00:40:18,338 But now you're trying stand-up comedy. 789 00:40:18,339 --> 00:40:21,338 I actually saw you perform once at the comedy cellar, 790 00:40:21,339 --> 00:40:23,338 and here's some free advice, Steve-O. 791 00:40:23,339 --> 00:40:26,339 Don't give up your suicide. 792 00:40:30,339 --> 00:40:32,338 Patrice O'Neal is here. 793 00:40:32,339 --> 00:40:36,338 You literally cannot miss him. 794 00:40:36,339 --> 00:40:37,338 Holy Christ, you're fat. 795 00:40:37,339 --> 00:40:39,338 You look like you deep-fry your hands 796 00:40:39,339 --> 00:40:42,338 before you bite your fingernails. 797 00:40:42,339 --> 00:40:44,339 - That's a good joke. 798 00:40:48,339 --> 00:40:50,338 - That's a racist joke! 799 00:40:50,339 --> 00:40:52,338 That's some racist shit right there. 800 00:40:52,339 --> 00:40:56,338 - Mike Tyson. 801 00:40:56,339 --> 00:40:58,339 That's the whole joke. 802 00:41:01,339 --> 00:41:02,338 Mike Tyson, I love you. 803 00:41:02,339 --> 00:41:04,338 You're my favorite boxer of all time. 804 00:41:04,339 --> 00:41:07,338 I don't even want to stand up here and make fun of you. 805 00:41:07,339 --> 00:41:10,338 Besides, what can you say about Mike Tyson 806 00:41:10,339 --> 00:41:15,338 that hasn't already been the title of a Richard pryor album? 807 00:41:15,339 --> 00:41:17,338 - Oh, shit. 808 00:41:17,339 --> 00:41:18,338 - He got it. - I did. 809 00:41:18,339 --> 00:41:20,338 - Patrice got it. 810 00:41:20,339 --> 00:41:21,338 - Too many white people to get that. 811 00:41:21,339 --> 00:41:23,338 - Too many white people? 812 00:41:23,339 --> 00:41:26,339 You know what no one ever says is "too few black people." 813 00:41:35,339 --> 00:41:38,338 Yeah. 814 00:41:38,339 --> 00:41:39,338 Yeah, Mike Tyson is here. 815 00:41:39,339 --> 00:41:43,338 Evander holyfield wanted to be here too tonight. 816 00:41:43,339 --> 00:41:46,339 But he's being retarded now. 817 00:41:52,339 --> 00:41:53,338 And, Mike, 818 00:41:53,339 --> 00:41:57,338 Mike, to me, you will always be the champion. 819 00:41:57,339 --> 00:41:59,338 You will always be the champion... 820 00:41:59,339 --> 00:42:01,338 - Thank you very much. 821 00:42:01,339 --> 00:42:05,339 - The champion of having more shit on your face than seal. 822 00:42:13,339 --> 00:42:17,338 Mike Tyson got a tattoo on his face 823 00:42:17,339 --> 00:42:19,338 so that every time he looks in the mirror, 824 00:42:19,339 --> 00:42:22,338 he can be proud that converting to islam 825 00:42:22,339 --> 00:42:26,339 is only the second dumbest thing he's ever done. 826 00:42:28,339 --> 00:42:31,338 - That's good. 827 00:42:31,339 --> 00:42:34,338 - You regret it. 828 00:42:34,339 --> 00:42:35,338 - I will later. 829 00:42:35,339 --> 00:42:38,338 - And now for the man of the hour, 830 00:42:38,339 --> 00:42:40,339 Mr. Charlie sheen. 831 00:42:44,339 --> 00:42:45,338 Charlie, I don't understand 832 00:42:45,339 --> 00:42:48,338 why you're not grateful for what you have right now. 833 00:42:48,339 --> 00:42:49,338 I mean, after all, 834 00:42:49,339 --> 00:42:52,338 the only reason you got on TV in the first place 835 00:42:52,339 --> 00:42:56,339 is because God hates Michael j. Fox. 836 00:43:08,339 --> 00:43:12,338 Charlie, you are a monster. 837 00:43:12,339 --> 00:43:14,338 Every moment of your life 838 00:43:14,339 --> 00:43:19,339 looks like the first two minutes of "law & order: Svu." 839 00:43:25,339 --> 00:43:28,338 You've convinced more women to have abortions 840 00:43:28,339 --> 00:43:32,339 than the prenatal test for down's syndrome. 841 00:43:37,339 --> 00:43:41,338 And, Charlie, I think the craziest thing about you 842 00:43:41,339 --> 00:43:44,338 is that you thought you were gonna go back to your TV show 843 00:43:44,339 --> 00:43:49,338 after calling your boss a "Jew kike." 844 00:43:49,339 --> 00:43:51,338 If people got to keep their jobs 845 00:43:51,339 --> 00:43:54,338 after calling their boss a Jew kike, Charlie, 846 00:43:54,339 --> 00:43:58,339 then everyone would do it. 847 00:44:06,339 --> 00:44:08,338 But, Charlie, 848 00:44:08,339 --> 00:44:12,338 despite everything I've just said, 849 00:44:12,339 --> 00:44:15,338 you're a good sport for being here tonight. 850 00:44:15,339 --> 00:44:16,338 Thanks for letting me be here too. 851 00:44:16,339 --> 00:44:17,338 Thank you, everybody. 852 00:44:17,339 --> 00:44:19,338 Thanks a lot. 853 00:44:19,339 --> 00:44:25,339 [Rock music] 854 00:44:32,339 --> 00:44:36,338 - Uh, our next roaster is Steve-O. 855 00:44:36,339 --> 00:44:38,338 [Cheers and applause] 856 00:44:38,339 --> 00:44:39,338 This guy makes it easy for us 857 00:44:39,339 --> 00:44:41,338 to bust his balls and pull his leg, 858 00:44:41,339 --> 00:44:45,338 because his balls are usually stapled to his leg. 859 00:44:45,339 --> 00:44:49,338 Steve-O has a--he's got a tattoo of his own face on his back. 860 00:44:49,339 --> 00:44:51,338 And that's so they can identify his body 861 00:44:51,339 --> 00:44:54,338 when he blows his head off. 862 00:44:54,339 --> 00:44:57,839 So, now, please give up your horse semen for Steve-O. 863 00:45:08,099 --> 00:45:10,098 - What an honor to be here with Mike Tyson. 864 00:45:10,099 --> 00:45:13,098 The last time I hung out with Mike, 865 00:45:13,099 --> 00:45:15,098 we locked ourselves in a bathroom 866 00:45:15,099 --> 00:45:19,099 and ripped through five grams of cocaine. 867 00:45:21,099 --> 00:45:23,098 But Mike's really changed his ways, though. 868 00:45:23,099 --> 00:45:27,098 See, here he is taking a beating for a check, 869 00:45:27,099 --> 00:45:31,098 and it hasn't been made out to Don King. 870 00:45:31,099 --> 00:45:34,182 - That is a good one. That is a good one. 871 00:45:34,183 --> 00:45:36,098 - Don't feel bad, though, Mike. 872 00:45:36,099 --> 00:45:39,391 I know what it's like to generate millions of dollars 873 00:45:39,392 --> 00:45:42,098 by sacrificing your body 874 00:45:42,099 --> 00:45:45,098 only to have someone else take it all for themselves. 875 00:45:45,099 --> 00:45:48,099 Johnny Knoxville has been doing that to me for years. 876 00:45:52,099 --> 00:45:56,098 Some people know Kate Walsh as a television actress, 877 00:45:56,099 --> 00:45:59,099 but most people don't know her at all. 878 00:46:03,099 --> 00:46:05,098 And my hero... 879 00:46:05,099 --> 00:46:07,099 Charlie sheen. 880 00:46:09,099 --> 00:46:12,098 Charlie definitely has tiger blood 881 00:46:12,099 --> 00:46:14,098 coursing through his veins. 882 00:46:14,099 --> 00:46:21,098 Unfortunately, that tiger is a helpless drug addict. 883 00:46:21,099 --> 00:46:24,098 Dude, your nose is like my ass. 884 00:46:24,099 --> 00:46:27,099 There's nothing you won't shove up there. 885 00:46:30,099 --> 00:46:34,098 I've been clean and sober for 3 1/2 years now... 886 00:46:34,099 --> 00:46:38,098 [Cheers and applause] 887 00:46:38,099 --> 00:46:41,098 But Charlie still hasn't hit rock bottom. 888 00:46:41,099 --> 00:46:44,098 I know he's looking forward to it, though, 889 00:46:44,099 --> 00:46:47,099 because he thinks there's a rock there. 890 00:46:49,099 --> 00:46:50,098 You know, when Charlie started 891 00:46:50,099 --> 00:46:54,098 referring to his girlfriends as goddesses, 892 00:46:54,099 --> 00:46:55,098 I was confused, 893 00:46:55,099 --> 00:46:57,098 so I looked it up in the dictionary. 894 00:46:57,099 --> 00:47:01,098 It said, "goddesses, plural, noun-- 895 00:47:01,099 --> 00:47:05,099 two cum dumpsters who got sick of buying their own drugs." 896 00:47:12,099 --> 00:47:14,098 But, Charlie, don't ever pretend 897 00:47:14,099 --> 00:47:18,098 that you're not a totally bitchin' rock star from Mars, 898 00:47:18,099 --> 00:47:20,098 because you are. 899 00:47:20,099 --> 00:47:22,098 And I love you. 900 00:47:22,099 --> 00:47:24,098 And I am so grateful 901 00:47:24,099 --> 00:47:27,098 that you've let me be a part of this tonight. 902 00:47:27,099 --> 00:47:28,098 Right now, I'm gonna do something 903 00:47:28,099 --> 00:47:31,098 insanely stupid for you. 904 00:47:31,099 --> 00:47:33,098 I am going to attempt 905 00:47:33,099 --> 00:47:35,098 to get a black eye 906 00:47:35,099 --> 00:47:38,098 from the former heavyweight champion of the world. 907 00:47:38,099 --> 00:47:43,098 [Cheers and applause] 908 00:47:43,099 --> 00:47:46,098 Mike, bro, I am ready. 909 00:47:46,099 --> 00:47:50,098 Let me get that fist. 910 00:47:50,099 --> 00:47:55,098 - Man, I don't want to do this shit, man. 911 00:47:55,099 --> 00:47:59,098 We're not gonna call the police or anything after this. 912 00:47:59,099 --> 00:48:00,098 - Fuck him up, Mike! 913 00:48:00,099 --> 00:48:02,098 - All right. 914 00:48:02,099 --> 00:48:04,098 [Cheers and applause] 915 00:48:04,099 --> 00:48:05,098 Okay. 916 00:48:05,099 --> 00:48:07,098 One, two, three. 917 00:48:07,099 --> 00:48:08,098 - Go for it. 918 00:48:08,099 --> 00:48:12,098 - Aah! 919 00:48:12,099 --> 00:48:13,098 Ah. 920 00:48:13,099 --> 00:48:14,098 I think that'll do it. 921 00:48:14,099 --> 00:48:17,099 Thank you, everybody. 922 00:48:20,099 --> 00:48:22,099 - Wow. 923 00:48:26,099 --> 00:48:29,098 That's what it looks like when an asshole gets fisted, I guess. 924 00:48:29,099 --> 00:48:31,099 All right. 925 00:48:34,099 --> 00:48:36,098 All right, what can I say about Amy schumer? 926 00:48:36,099 --> 00:48:38,098 Um, I actually mean that sincerely. 927 00:48:38,099 --> 00:48:42,098 I've never heard of this woman. 928 00:48:42,099 --> 00:48:44,098 So please get ready for the comedy stylings 929 00:48:44,099 --> 00:48:46,098 of the fourth runner-up 930 00:48:46,099 --> 00:48:48,098 of the fifth season of "last comic standing," 931 00:48:48,099 --> 00:48:50,099 Amy schumer. 932 00:49:03,099 --> 00:49:05,098 - Mike "tython." 933 00:49:05,099 --> 00:49:07,098 Am I saying that right? 934 00:49:07,099 --> 00:49:10,098 - Ha ha. I'll get you good. 935 00:49:10,099 --> 00:49:12,098 Oh, God. 936 00:49:12,099 --> 00:49:15,098 - Wasn't he great up here? 937 00:49:15,099 --> 00:49:16,098 No, I'm asking. 938 00:49:16,099 --> 00:49:20,098 I couldn't understand a fuckin' word he said. 939 00:49:20,099 --> 00:49:23,098 Mike, your voice sounds like a girl crying. 940 00:49:23,099 --> 00:49:24,098 Every time you speak, 941 00:49:24,099 --> 00:49:27,098 do you give yourself an erection? 942 00:49:27,099 --> 00:49:30,098 - Sometimes. Depends what I'm talking about-- 943 00:49:30,099 --> 00:49:31,098 - hey, hey, hey, Mike, 944 00:49:31,099 --> 00:49:32,098 here's something you'll never hear-- 945 00:49:32,099 --> 00:49:34,099 "great tattoo!" 946 00:49:37,099 --> 00:49:41,099 You have a slutty lower-back tattoo on your face. 947 00:49:46,099 --> 00:49:49,098 Men don't know whether to be scared of it 948 00:49:49,099 --> 00:49:50,099 or finish on it. 949 00:49:54,099 --> 00:49:55,098 Look at that face. 950 00:49:55,099 --> 00:49:58,098 It's so-- it's so dark and wrinkly 951 00:49:58,099 --> 00:49:59,098 and constantly getting pounded. 952 00:49:59,099 --> 00:50:01,098 It's like patrice's grandmother's asshole 953 00:50:01,099 --> 00:50:04,098 after a gospel brunch. 954 00:50:04,099 --> 00:50:06,098 - Whoa, shit. 955 00:50:06,099 --> 00:50:09,099 - I'm just assuming she raised you. 956 00:50:16,099 --> 00:50:18,098 Patrice O'Neal, one of my favorite comics-- 957 00:50:18,099 --> 00:50:23,098 patrice has always been destined for stardom and diabetes. 958 00:50:23,099 --> 00:50:26,098 So tonight is not just the roast of Charlie sheen. 959 00:50:26,099 --> 00:50:31,098 It's also a farewell party for patrice's foot. 960 00:50:31,099 --> 00:50:33,098 - Holy shit. Evil. 961 00:50:33,099 --> 00:50:35,098 Sitting next to this bitch the whole time. 962 00:50:35,099 --> 00:50:37,098 I didn't know she-- this was coming. 963 00:50:37,099 --> 00:50:38,098 - A lot of people don't know this, 964 00:50:38,099 --> 00:50:40,098 but patrice also had a crack problem. 965 00:50:40,099 --> 00:50:42,098 But with a lot of love and patience, 966 00:50:42,099 --> 00:50:45,098 he finally learned to attach a rag to a stick 967 00:50:45,099 --> 00:50:47,098 and wipe himself. 968 00:50:47,099 --> 00:50:50,098 - Oh, like one of them 700-pound people? 969 00:50:50,099 --> 00:50:53,098 Oh, shit, I'm that fat? I've never been that fat. 970 00:50:53,099 --> 00:50:54,098 - It's true. 971 00:50:54,099 --> 00:50:57,098 - If Amy had as many dicks coming out as she had going in, 972 00:50:57,099 --> 00:51:00,098 she'd look like a fuckin' porcupine. 973 00:51:00,099 --> 00:51:02,098 - Is his interpreter here? 974 00:51:02,099 --> 00:51:09,098 [Laughter] [Cheers and applause] 975 00:51:09,099 --> 00:51:13,098 - Jeff Ross is gross. 976 00:51:13,099 --> 00:51:15,098 But, no, I could see a girl hooking up with you, Jeff. 977 00:51:15,099 --> 00:51:17,098 I mean, I would sit on your face 978 00:51:17,099 --> 00:51:20,099 just so I wouldn't have to look at it. 979 00:51:23,099 --> 00:51:25,098 Anthony, what's your last name-- 980 00:51:25,099 --> 00:51:26,098 uh, Van Der sloot? 981 00:51:26,099 --> 00:51:28,098 What is it? Uh... 982 00:51:28,099 --> 00:51:31,098 You have all the likeability of a Hitler youth. 983 00:51:31,099 --> 00:51:32,099 Look at you. 984 00:51:35,099 --> 00:51:38,098 Speaking of Kate Walsh, Kate, to some people, 985 00:51:38,099 --> 00:51:41,098 "grey's anatomy" is more than a TV show. 986 00:51:41,099 --> 00:51:42,098 In fact, "grey's anatomy" 987 00:51:42,099 --> 00:51:44,098 is what William shatner calls his balls. 988 00:51:44,099 --> 00:51:47,098 Right? 989 00:51:47,099 --> 00:51:49,098 William. 990 00:51:49,099 --> 00:51:52,098 I've seen less bloated men dredged out of rivers. 991 00:51:52,099 --> 00:51:55,098 What's going on? 992 00:51:55,099 --> 00:51:57,098 Wha--does priceline pay you in empanadas? 993 00:51:57,099 --> 00:51:58,098 What's happening? 994 00:51:58,099 --> 00:52:01,098 - Are we taking that from her? - Oh, yeah, we have to. 995 00:52:01,099 --> 00:52:03,099 - You got to get her back! - Go get her. 996 00:52:05,973 --> 00:52:07,972 Steve-O, great try. 997 00:52:07,973 --> 00:52:10,223 Steve-O... 998 00:52:10,224 --> 00:52:11,972 But I truly am, no joke, 999 00:52:11,973 --> 00:52:13,972 sorry for the loss of your friend Ryan Dunn. 1000 00:52:13,973 --> 00:52:15,972 I know you must have been thinking, 1001 00:52:15,973 --> 00:52:16,972 "it could have been me," 1002 00:52:16,973 --> 00:52:18,972 and I know we were all thinking, "why wasn't it?" 1003 00:52:18,973 --> 00:52:20,972 Um... 1004 00:52:20,973 --> 00:52:22,972 [Audience groans] 1005 00:52:22,973 --> 00:52:25,972 Thank you. 1006 00:52:25,973 --> 00:52:26,972 - Fuck you, Amy! 1007 00:52:26,973 --> 00:52:29,972 - Oh, Mike. Stay away from me. 1008 00:52:29,973 --> 00:52:31,972 Speaking of things that should already be dead, 1009 00:52:31,973 --> 00:52:33,972 Charlie sheen is still alive. 1010 00:52:33,973 --> 00:52:35,972 Charlie, you--I'm a fan. 1011 00:52:35,973 --> 00:52:37,972 You were amazing in "platoon." 1012 00:52:37,973 --> 00:52:38,972 Your marriage to Denise Richards, 1013 00:52:38,973 --> 00:52:40,972 it was kind of like her Vietnam, 1014 00:52:40,973 --> 00:52:43,972 'cause she was constantly afraid of being killed by Charlie. 1015 00:52:43,973 --> 00:52:46,973 [Laughter] 1016 00:52:50,973 --> 00:52:52,972 But there's no denying how famous you are. 1017 00:52:52,973 --> 00:52:54,972 I mean, it was international news 1018 00:52:54,973 --> 00:52:56,765 when you ruined the lives 1019 00:52:56,766 --> 00:52:57,972 of those two girls living with you-- 1020 00:52:57,973 --> 00:52:59,972 you know, your daughters. 1021 00:52:59,973 --> 00:53:02,972 [Audience groans] 1022 00:53:02,973 --> 00:53:04,972 But, no, I mean, Charlie, you get a bad rap, 1023 00:53:04,973 --> 00:53:06,972 but you're just like Bruce Willis. 1024 00:53:06,973 --> 00:53:07,972 You know, you were big in the '80s, 1025 00:53:07,973 --> 00:53:12,973 and now your old slot's being filled with Ashton kutcher. 1026 00:53:20,973 --> 00:53:21,972 But all joking aside, 1027 00:53:21,973 --> 00:53:23,972 if you ever need a friend to pee in a cup for you, 1028 00:53:23,973 --> 00:53:24,972 I'm your gal. 1029 00:53:24,973 --> 00:53:26,972 Thanks for having me. 1030 00:53:26,973 --> 00:53:29,973 [Cheers and applause] 1031 00:53:37,973 --> 00:53:39,972 - All right, our next roaster 1032 00:53:39,973 --> 00:53:41,972 is the legendary William shatner. 1033 00:53:41,973 --> 00:53:47,972 [Cheers and applause] 1034 00:53:47,973 --> 00:53:49,972 Shatner is 80 years old. Can you believe that? 1035 00:53:49,973 --> 00:53:51,265 80 years old, so... 1036 00:53:51,266 --> 00:53:54,972 [Cheers and applause] 1037 00:53:54,973 --> 00:53:57,972 So the next time we see him on TV, 1038 00:53:57,973 --> 00:54:01,972 he'll be starring in "shit my dad is sitting in." 1039 00:54:01,973 --> 00:54:03,972 But for now, here he is. 1040 00:54:03,973 --> 00:54:05,972 I can't joke about this guy, 1041 00:54:05,973 --> 00:54:07,972 'cause I think he's the fuckin' greatest. 1042 00:54:07,973 --> 00:54:08,972 The guy who played captain kirk 1043 00:54:08,973 --> 00:54:11,972 back before "star trek" looked like a bunch of gay guys 1044 00:54:11,973 --> 00:54:14,973 working in a Mac store, William shatner. 1045 00:54:19,973 --> 00:54:20,972 - Thank you, thank you, thank you. 1046 00:54:20,973 --> 00:54:24,972 Keep it going for Chaz Bono. 1047 00:54:24,973 --> 00:54:28,972 Uh, Charlie... 1048 00:54:28,973 --> 00:54:29,972 I was driving by tonight, 1049 00:54:29,973 --> 00:54:31,972 and I heard that they were doing your roast, 1050 00:54:31,973 --> 00:54:33,972 and I thought what a great-- great opportunity 1051 00:54:33,973 --> 00:54:36,972 to offer this young Mexican... 1052 00:54:36,973 --> 00:54:38,972 A bit of fatherly advice 1053 00:54:38,973 --> 00:54:42,972 he so clearly hasn't been getting. 1054 00:54:42,973 --> 00:54:44,972 You see, I've been doing this for quite a while now, 1055 00:54:44,973 --> 00:54:48,972 and I think that, uh, I can bestow on you 1056 00:54:48,973 --> 00:54:52,972 some of the vast wisdom from my experience 1057 00:54:52,973 --> 00:54:56,972 in this wonderful business of entertainment. 1058 00:54:56,973 --> 00:54:57,972 Uh, first off, Charlie, 1059 00:54:57,973 --> 00:54:58,972 I'm 80 years old. 1060 00:54:58,973 --> 00:54:59,972 You're, what, 47? 1061 00:54:59,973 --> 00:55:01,972 - 46. 1062 00:55:01,973 --> 00:55:03,972 - How come we look like we went to high school together? 1063 00:55:03,973 --> 00:55:06,972 And, uh... 1064 00:55:06,973 --> 00:55:08,972 And you're going too fast, son. 1065 00:55:08,973 --> 00:55:12,973 You got to slow down and smell the roses, my boy. 1066 00:55:15,973 --> 00:55:18,972 That's why I have such a storied and... 1067 00:55:18,973 --> 00:55:21,972 Illustrious career... 1068 00:55:21,973 --> 00:55:25,972 Because I'm patient. 1069 00:55:25,973 --> 00:55:27,972 I was willing to wait a long time 1070 00:55:27,973 --> 00:55:30,972 to get into the right projects... 1071 00:55:30,973 --> 00:55:33,973 Just like patrice O'Neal's family. 1072 00:55:37,973 --> 00:55:39,972 Okay, Charlie. 1073 00:55:39,973 --> 00:55:42,972 So you're out of a job. Don't feel sad. 1074 00:55:42,973 --> 00:55:46,972 I know another famous guy who was kind to whores 1075 00:55:46,973 --> 00:55:48,972 and always kept 12 losers around, 1076 00:55:48,973 --> 00:55:49,972 and he got... 1077 00:55:49,973 --> 00:55:51,973 Crucified by Jews too. 1078 00:55:54,973 --> 00:55:56,973 And people worshipped that guy. 1079 00:55:59,973 --> 00:56:05,972 Look, look, Carlos... 1080 00:56:05,973 --> 00:56:10,973 I've had my share of wild times with the señoritas, yeah. 1081 00:56:13,973 --> 00:56:18,972 I've had sex in space with green women. 1082 00:56:18,973 --> 00:56:20,972 Sure, you've had sex with blue women, 1083 00:56:20,973 --> 00:56:21,972 because unlike you, 1084 00:56:21,973 --> 00:56:24,972 they couldn't handle their drugs. 1085 00:56:24,973 --> 00:56:28,972 You don't need that kind of press, Charlie! 1086 00:56:28,973 --> 00:56:31,972 In my day, if I wanted that kind of publicity, 1087 00:56:31,973 --> 00:56:33,972 I had to do something drastic, 1088 00:56:33,973 --> 00:56:36,972 like kiss a black girl... 1089 00:56:36,973 --> 00:56:38,972 Or let an Asian drive. 1090 00:56:38,973 --> 00:56:40,972 Oh. 1091 00:56:40,973 --> 00:56:45,972 May I suggest to you, Charlie... 1092 00:56:45,973 --> 00:56:49,972 That you reexamine your relations with women? 1093 00:56:49,973 --> 00:56:51,972 Prostitutes cost a lot of money, Charlie. 1094 00:56:51,973 --> 00:56:53,972 Hasn't anyone told you 1095 00:56:53,973 --> 00:56:56,972 that actresses will sleep with you for free? 1096 00:56:56,973 --> 00:56:59,972 Man, that's-- that's Hollywood 101. 1097 00:56:59,973 --> 00:57:03,972 You should have called. 1098 00:57:03,973 --> 00:57:05,972 You know, uh, what will help you get through this-- 1099 00:57:05,973 --> 00:57:07,972 this--this tough spot, 1100 00:57:07,973 --> 00:57:10,972 something--you have to give something back. 1101 00:57:10,973 --> 00:57:13,972 See, I was at--recently at a celebrity auction 1102 00:57:13,973 --> 00:57:15,972 where I sold one of my kidney stones 1103 00:57:15,973 --> 00:57:17,972 for $75,000. 1104 00:57:17,973 --> 00:57:19,972 Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. 1105 00:57:19,973 --> 00:57:22,972 Do you understand what I've done? 1106 00:57:22,973 --> 00:57:26,972 I synthesized uric acid and calcium 1107 00:57:26,973 --> 00:57:29,972 inside my bladder 1108 00:57:29,973 --> 00:57:33,972 and turned it into a house for habitat for humanity. 1109 00:57:33,973 --> 00:57:37,973 Who's the warlock now, bitch? 1110 00:57:42,973 --> 00:57:46,972 Actually, Emilio... 1111 00:57:46,973 --> 00:57:49,972 We're not that different. 1112 00:57:49,973 --> 00:57:51,972 You're a rock star from Mars. 1113 00:57:51,973 --> 00:57:53,972 Yes, you are. 1114 00:57:53,973 --> 00:57:56,972 And as one rocket man to another, 1115 00:57:56,973 --> 00:57:57,972 if I may give you 1116 00:57:57,973 --> 00:58:01,972 my most important piece of advice tonight-- 1117 00:58:01,973 --> 00:58:05,972 never, ever forget 1118 00:58:05,973 --> 00:58:07,972 to book your next rehab stay 1119 00:58:07,973 --> 00:58:09,972 through priceline.Com. 1120 00:58:09,973 --> 00:58:14,972 [Cheers and applause] 1121 00:58:14,973 --> 00:58:17,972 Now, Charlie, see, you take it from the master. 1122 00:58:17,973 --> 00:58:19,972 That little subtle plug there-- 1123 00:58:19,973 --> 00:58:23,972 $65 right in the pocket. 1124 00:58:23,973 --> 00:58:25,972 Whoa, my, look at the time. 1125 00:58:25,973 --> 00:58:26,972 Oh, jeez. 1126 00:58:26,973 --> 00:58:27,972 I got to simply-- I must get home. 1127 00:58:27,973 --> 00:58:31,972 I want to catch that new Ashton kutcher show. 1128 00:58:31,973 --> 00:58:33,972 Do you--do you know him? 1129 00:58:33,973 --> 00:58:35,972 He's a nice guy. - No. 1130 00:58:35,973 --> 00:58:36,972 - I went to high school with his wife. 1131 00:58:36,973 --> 00:58:39,972 Thank you very much. 1132 00:58:39,973 --> 00:58:44,972 [Cheers and applause] 1133 00:58:44,973 --> 00:58:46,973 - It was funny. 1134 00:58:52,307 --> 00:58:53,306 How awesome was that? 1135 00:58:53,307 --> 00:58:55,306 Um... 1136 00:58:55,307 --> 00:58:59,306 Our next roaster is patrice O'Neal. 1137 00:58:59,307 --> 00:59:00,306 [Cheers and applause] 1138 00:59:00,307 --> 00:59:02,306 You may recognize patrice 1139 00:59:02,307 --> 00:59:04,306 from his many speaking roles in movies, 1140 00:59:04,307 --> 00:59:06,306 but only if you've sat in front of him in a theater. 1141 00:59:06,307 --> 00:59:09,306 Um... I know. 1142 00:59:09,307 --> 00:59:11,306 I know; Some of these jokes may come off racist, 1143 00:59:11,307 --> 00:59:13,306 which is why it's important to remember 1144 00:59:13,307 --> 00:59:15,306 that rosa parks fought 1145 00:59:15,307 --> 00:59:18,307 so patrice could take three seats on the bus. 1146 00:59:21,307 --> 00:59:24,306 So please welcome a guy who looks like Chris farley 1147 00:59:24,307 --> 00:59:26,306 after a mine-shaft explosion, 1148 00:59:26,307 --> 00:59:29,306 the very funny patrice O'Neal. 1149 00:59:29,307 --> 00:59:35,307 [Rock music] 1150 00:59:40,307 --> 00:59:41,306 - Thank you very much. 1151 00:59:41,307 --> 00:59:43,306 I, uh... 1152 00:59:43,307 --> 00:59:45,306 It's just strange, 'cause... 1153 00:59:45,307 --> 00:59:49,306 I had all this planned shit, but I didn't... 1154 00:59:49,307 --> 00:59:50,306 Like, I didn't know William shatner 1155 00:59:50,307 --> 00:59:52,306 was gonna be quasi... 1156 00:59:52,307 --> 00:59:53,306 Like, a old racist man. 1157 00:59:53,307 --> 00:59:54,306 Like, but... 1158 00:59:54,307 --> 00:59:56,306 [Laughter] 1159 00:59:56,307 --> 01:00:00,306 But everybody's giggling, like, "whoa, he's..." 1160 01:00:00,307 --> 01:00:04,306 You're a fuckin' asshole, captain kirk. 1161 01:00:04,307 --> 01:00:05,306 - What are you talking about? 1162 01:00:05,307 --> 01:00:07,306 - Like, I don't respect him, 1163 01:00:07,307 --> 01:00:08,306 but, like, I'll respect him, 1164 01:00:08,307 --> 01:00:10,306 'cause he's fuckin' captain kirk, 1165 01:00:10,307 --> 01:00:12,306 but I think he might be racist, 1166 01:00:12,307 --> 01:00:15,307 'cause his hair plugs look like black girls' pussy hair. 1167 01:00:20,307 --> 01:00:22,306 This is fucking amazing. 1168 01:00:22,307 --> 01:00:24,306 Like, I wasn't gonna be mean to Anthony. 1169 01:00:24,307 --> 01:00:26,306 I don't know him. I never met him. 1170 01:00:26,307 --> 01:00:28,306 Like, so I'm sitting here watching him, 1171 01:00:28,307 --> 01:00:32,306 and I'm like, "he has way too much confidence." 1172 01:00:32,307 --> 01:00:34,306 Like, in my world, he's an open-miker. 1173 01:00:34,307 --> 01:00:36,306 Nobody knows him, and nobody should. 1174 01:00:36,307 --> 01:00:39,306 Like, nobody should fuckin' know Anthony, uh... 1175 01:00:39,307 --> 01:00:44,306 I refuse to learn his last shitty name. 1176 01:00:44,307 --> 01:00:46,306 I learned galifianakis. 1177 01:00:46,307 --> 01:00:49,306 That's the last shitty last name 1178 01:00:49,307 --> 01:00:53,307 this nigga's gonna learn in this fuckin' funky town. 1179 01:00:56,307 --> 01:00:59,306 He reminds me of a medieval restaurant waiter. 1180 01:00:59,307 --> 01:01:01,306 Like... 1181 01:01:01,307 --> 01:01:02,306 His whole demeanor. 1182 01:01:02,307 --> 01:01:05,306 Like, "hello, may I welcome to--" 1183 01:01:05,307 --> 01:01:08,306 and you just want to go, "shut the fuck up 1184 01:01:08,307 --> 01:01:10,306 "and bring me my giant Turkey leg, 1185 01:01:10,307 --> 01:01:12,307 you fuckin' nothing." 1186 01:01:16,307 --> 01:01:21,306 How the fuck can I be too mean after all this shit? 1187 01:01:21,307 --> 01:01:22,306 I can't believe it. 1188 01:01:22,307 --> 01:01:23,306 I'm dying of diabetes, 1189 01:01:23,307 --> 01:01:25,306 and you motherfuckers are like, 1190 01:01:25,307 --> 01:01:27,307 "oh, that evil, fat puff." You know. 1191 01:01:32,307 --> 01:01:34,306 I consider Seth an icon. I do. 1192 01:01:34,307 --> 01:01:36,306 Like, I got a critique about Seth. 1193 01:01:36,307 --> 01:01:39,306 It--it's too much Seth. 1194 01:01:39,307 --> 01:01:41,306 It's... 1195 01:01:41,307 --> 01:01:46,306 Like, it's almost like he's jealous of his own creation, 1196 01:01:46,307 --> 01:01:51,306 where he wants to prove, "I'm better than the cartoons." 1197 01:01:51,307 --> 01:01:52,306 But he's not better than the cartoons. 1198 01:01:52,307 --> 01:01:55,306 See, but I think the problem is with Seth 1199 01:01:55,307 --> 01:01:57,306 is that he don't have a partner, 1200 01:01:57,307 --> 01:01:59,306 you know, like the "South park" guys 1201 01:01:59,307 --> 01:02:00,307 or Hanna-barbera. 1202 01:02:02,307 --> 01:02:04,306 I know we've read that old story 1203 01:02:04,307 --> 01:02:08,306 that, uh, Hanna once said, "I'm bigger than yogi," 1204 01:02:08,307 --> 01:02:13,306 and barbera slapped the shit out of him for saying that? 1205 01:02:13,307 --> 01:02:18,306 Seth needs a barbera... 1206 01:02:18,307 --> 01:02:20,306 To slap him and slap him twice, 1207 01:02:20,307 --> 01:02:25,306 once to say, "hey, man, don't forget why people love you." 1208 01:02:25,307 --> 01:02:27,306 And two, "just say you're gay." 1209 01:02:27,307 --> 01:02:29,306 No... 1210 01:02:29,307 --> 01:02:31,306 [Laughter] 1211 01:02:31,307 --> 01:02:35,306 No straight man writes that many show tunes. 1212 01:02:35,307 --> 01:02:37,307 That's a fact. 1213 01:02:39,307 --> 01:02:41,306 I love Mike Tyson, and I don't have much to say. 1214 01:02:41,307 --> 01:02:44,306 As a fan of Mike Tyson-- as a fan, I love him, 1215 01:02:44,307 --> 01:02:46,306 and I don't mean that-- you know, I love him-- 1216 01:02:46,307 --> 01:02:47,306 - fuck you. - I love you, man. 1217 01:02:47,307 --> 01:02:49,306 I'm just disappointed and hurt 1218 01:02:49,307 --> 01:02:53,306 at how much comfort white people have around you now. 1219 01:02:53,307 --> 01:02:56,307 I don't--I don't like it. 1220 01:03:02,307 --> 01:03:03,306 And Steve-O, 1221 01:03:03,307 --> 01:03:06,306 this new, subdued, "not drunk" you, 1222 01:03:06,307 --> 01:03:08,307 it fuckin' stinks, man. 1223 01:03:10,307 --> 01:03:13,306 Ride that whole Steve-O shit till the wheels come off, man. 1224 01:03:13,307 --> 01:03:15,306 Let a fuckin' leech bite your eyeballs 1225 01:03:15,307 --> 01:03:17,306 and do some goofy shit. 1226 01:03:17,307 --> 01:03:19,306 Even your fake punch, it just-- 1227 01:03:19,307 --> 01:03:21,306 you disturb me with your lack of edge. 1228 01:03:21,307 --> 01:03:24,306 You just, like-- 1229 01:03:24,307 --> 01:03:26,306 why are you still looking at me like that, Mr. shatner, sir? 1230 01:03:26,307 --> 01:03:28,306 You're like, "boy, I had more for that nigga. 1231 01:03:28,307 --> 01:03:30,306 "I didn't say it. I should have said it, 1232 01:03:30,307 --> 01:03:32,306 'cause he's an asshole." 1233 01:03:32,307 --> 01:03:34,306 - You're telling it as it is. - [Laughs] 1234 01:03:34,307 --> 01:03:36,306 - You're telling it like it is. 1235 01:03:36,307 --> 01:03:40,306 - Jeff Ross, I love you, I guess. 1236 01:03:40,307 --> 01:03:43,306 Look, Jeff Ross is a legend. 1237 01:03:43,307 --> 01:03:45,306 His funniness is a legend. 1238 01:03:45,307 --> 01:03:48,307 But when I say "legend," I mean a myth... 1239 01:03:52,307 --> 01:03:54,306 Like the loch ness monster or bigfoot. 1240 01:03:54,307 --> 01:03:57,306 Like, we all believe they exist, 1241 01:03:57,307 --> 01:04:00,307 but who really ever saw it? 1242 01:04:05,307 --> 01:04:07,306 Ah, shit. 1243 01:04:07,307 --> 01:04:09,306 I've turned down many roasts. 1244 01:04:09,307 --> 01:04:10,306 I have-- about three or four of 'em. 1245 01:04:10,307 --> 01:04:13,306 And I said yes to this, and I'm dead-ass serious. 1246 01:04:13,307 --> 01:04:15,306 I said yes to this because, uh, 1247 01:04:15,307 --> 01:04:17,306 I respect Charlie sheen. 1248 01:04:17,307 --> 01:04:20,306 I do. I said yes 'cause I respe-- 1249 01:04:20,307 --> 01:04:23,306 not--not--not his body of work. 1250 01:04:23,307 --> 01:04:26,306 Like, not... 1251 01:04:26,307 --> 01:04:29,306 It's all been very Christian slater-ish. 1252 01:04:29,307 --> 01:04:31,306 Like, it just, like... 1253 01:04:31,307 --> 01:04:32,306 [Laughter] 1254 01:04:32,307 --> 01:04:35,306 He sucks, but he's good. 1255 01:04:35,307 --> 01:04:39,306 But he sucks at the same time. 1256 01:04:39,307 --> 01:04:43,306 I think that his stand that he made, 1257 01:04:43,307 --> 01:04:44,306 uh, against the business-- 1258 01:04:44,307 --> 01:04:46,306 I think this is a fucked-up business, 1259 01:04:46,307 --> 01:04:48,306 but he stood up, he still survived, 1260 01:04:48,307 --> 01:04:51,306 uh, and he proved that nobody can keep, like, 1261 01:04:51,307 --> 01:04:54,306 a sheen down, you know? 1262 01:04:54,307 --> 01:04:57,307 They can keep a estevez down, 'cause his brother... 1263 01:04:59,307 --> 01:05:01,306 And he's the good one. 1264 01:05:01,307 --> 01:05:02,306 That motherfucker do everything right, 1265 01:05:02,307 --> 01:05:04,306 and that nigga's career is over. 1266 01:05:04,307 --> 01:05:06,307 Holy shit. 1267 01:05:10,307 --> 01:05:11,306 Fuck tiger blood. 1268 01:05:11,307 --> 01:05:15,306 He's selling his own blood to make money. 1269 01:05:15,307 --> 01:05:17,306 But I wanted to say to your eyes, man, 1270 01:05:17,307 --> 01:05:20,306 I-I-I... 1271 01:05:20,307 --> 01:05:22,306 I love that you stood up to what you thought was wrong, 1272 01:05:22,307 --> 01:05:26,306 and, uh, I'm impressed by you, and I wanted to say that. 1273 01:05:26,307 --> 01:05:28,306 So thank you, man. Thanks for having me. 1274 01:05:28,307 --> 01:05:31,307 Y'all take care. Thank you. 1275 01:05:42,307 --> 01:05:44,306 - And now it is time for the moment 1276 01:05:44,307 --> 01:05:47,306 we've all been waiting for. 1277 01:05:47,307 --> 01:05:49,306 We're gonna get to hear a ranting tirade 1278 01:05:49,307 --> 01:05:50,306 from the man himself. 1279 01:05:50,307 --> 01:05:55,306 [Cheers and applause] 1280 01:05:55,307 --> 01:05:57,306 Ladies and gentlemen, 1281 01:05:57,307 --> 01:05:59,306 I give you a man with a big heart, 1282 01:05:59,307 --> 01:06:02,306 because it's been dangerously enlarged by cocaine use, 1283 01:06:02,307 --> 01:06:04,307 Charlie sheen. 1284 01:06:29,307 --> 01:06:33,306 - Hi. Hello. 1285 01:06:33,307 --> 01:06:35,306 I'm Charlie. 1286 01:06:35,307 --> 01:06:36,306 [Cheers and applause] 1287 01:06:36,307 --> 01:06:38,306 Wow. 1288 01:06:38,307 --> 01:06:41,306 Wow fuckin' wow. 1289 01:06:41,307 --> 01:06:43,306 What a night. 1290 01:06:43,307 --> 01:06:48,306 Until tonight, I never realized how fucked up I was. 1291 01:06:48,307 --> 01:06:53,306 All this time, I thought I was just having fun. 1292 01:06:53,307 --> 01:06:54,306 [Sighs] 1293 01:06:54,307 --> 01:06:58,306 Maybe I should have listened to those 60 doctors... 1294 01:06:58,307 --> 01:07:00,306 3 ex-wives... 1295 01:07:00,307 --> 01:07:02,306 2 paramedics... 1296 01:07:02,307 --> 01:07:06,307 And 9 dead relatives who were motioning me toward the light. 1297 01:07:08,307 --> 01:07:12,306 All of whom told me not to do this roast. 1298 01:07:12,307 --> 01:07:14,306 Yeah, it's true. It's true. 1299 01:07:14,307 --> 01:07:17,306 I've hung around with a lot of shady people over the years-- 1300 01:07:17,307 --> 01:07:19,306 losers, drug addicts, 1301 01:07:19,307 --> 01:07:23,306 dealers, desperate whores. 1302 01:07:23,307 --> 01:07:26,306 But to have you all here on one night is really special. 1303 01:07:26,307 --> 01:07:29,307 [Cheers and applause] 1304 01:07:32,307 --> 01:07:34,306 My thanks to Seth macfarlane. 1305 01:07:34,307 --> 01:07:38,306 Great job tonight. 1306 01:07:38,307 --> 01:07:39,306 Look at you, Seth. 1307 01:07:39,307 --> 01:07:41,306 You've got the-- got the spray-on tan, 1308 01:07:41,307 --> 01:07:46,306 the waxed eyebrows, the pec implants, 1309 01:07:46,307 --> 01:07:51,306 halogen teeth, the bleached anus... 1310 01:07:51,307 --> 01:07:53,306 The scrotal tuck, 1311 01:07:53,307 --> 01:07:55,306 nipple enlargement, 1312 01:07:55,307 --> 01:07:59,306 taint augmentation. 1313 01:07:59,307 --> 01:08:03,306 But I got to admit, I envy you. 1314 01:08:03,307 --> 01:08:05,306 You've got boatloads of money, 1315 01:08:05,307 --> 01:08:07,306 three TV shows, 1316 01:08:07,307 --> 01:08:09,306 and still, even with all the work you've had done, 1317 01:08:09,307 --> 01:08:13,307 you can walk down the street totally unrecognized. 1318 01:08:15,307 --> 01:08:17,306 - Yes. 1319 01:08:17,307 --> 01:08:19,306 Yes. 1320 01:08:19,307 --> 01:08:20,306 - I wish when I went out in public 1321 01:08:20,307 --> 01:08:23,306 the only thing I had to be afraid of is hearing, 1322 01:08:23,307 --> 01:08:26,306 "who's that dickhead with the fake tan?" 1323 01:08:26,307 --> 01:08:29,306 But--but you're not a total unknown. 1324 01:08:29,307 --> 01:08:30,306 Seriously, tell me, 1325 01:08:30,307 --> 01:08:32,306 dude to dude, 1326 01:08:32,307 --> 01:08:37,306 what's comicon pussy like? 1327 01:08:37,307 --> 01:08:40,307 - It's... 1328 01:08:42,307 --> 01:08:44,306 - Maybe someday I'll get to fuck 1329 01:08:44,307 --> 01:08:47,307 a fat chick with Spock ears and funyun breath. 1330 01:08:54,307 --> 01:08:58,306 But tonight I put all the craziness behind me. 1331 01:08:58,307 --> 01:09:01,306 I say let the past stay in the past... 1332 01:09:01,307 --> 01:09:04,306 With jon lovitz. 1333 01:09:04,307 --> 01:09:08,306 Steve-O, you're an animal, man. 1334 01:09:08,307 --> 01:09:12,306 People say I'm crazy, but you, you're the real deal. 1335 01:09:12,307 --> 01:09:16,306 This guy actually got a tattoo of his own face on his back. 1336 01:09:16,307 --> 01:09:18,307 There it is. There it is. 1337 01:09:22,307 --> 01:09:24,306 Even he knows it was a huge mistake, 1338 01:09:24,307 --> 01:09:25,306 because it makes 1339 01:09:25,307 --> 01:09:27,307 Johnny Knoxville's cock go soft. 1340 01:09:31,307 --> 01:09:33,306 Kate Walsh. 1341 01:09:33,307 --> 01:09:37,306 I don't know anyone who watches your show... 1342 01:09:37,307 --> 01:09:40,307 Because I date women who can still get their period. 1343 01:09:47,307 --> 01:09:49,306 Kate actually created and sells 1344 01:09:49,307 --> 01:09:51,306 her own perfume called "boyfriend." 1345 01:09:51,307 --> 01:09:54,306 It comes in a bottle... 1346 01:09:54,307 --> 01:09:57,306 And on your hair... 1347 01:09:57,307 --> 01:09:59,306 And between your tits. 1348 01:09:59,307 --> 01:10:01,306 - That's true. 1349 01:10:01,307 --> 01:10:04,306 - Then it leaves and never calls you again. 1350 01:10:04,307 --> 01:10:06,307 Kate, you should've called it "Charlie sheen." 1351 01:10:15,307 --> 01:10:18,306 Anthony jeselnik. 1352 01:10:18,307 --> 01:10:21,306 I really liked your slow, measured delivery. 1353 01:10:21,307 --> 01:10:25,306 It's as if you were trying to-- trying to savor the moment. 1354 01:10:25,307 --> 01:10:31,306 Years from now when you're locking up at radioshack... 1355 01:10:31,307 --> 01:10:33,306 You'll look back at tonight and say... 1356 01:10:33,307 --> 01:10:35,306 "I... 1357 01:10:35,307 --> 01:10:39,306 "Wish...I... 1358 01:10:39,307 --> 01:10:41,306 "Was... 1359 01:10:41,307 --> 01:10:44,307 Funnier." 1360 01:10:48,307 --> 01:10:49,306 - Goddamn. 1361 01:10:49,307 --> 01:10:51,306 - Seriously, dude, the only thing slower than your delivery 1362 01:10:51,307 --> 01:10:55,306 is patrice O'Neal's metabolism. 1363 01:10:55,307 --> 01:10:56,306 When I first saw patrice on the stage, 1364 01:10:56,307 --> 01:10:59,306 I thought the same thing we all did-- 1365 01:10:59,307 --> 01:11:01,307 why is Mike Tyson's mother here? 1366 01:11:05,307 --> 01:11:07,306 But, Mike, no, no, Mike, Mike, Mike, 1367 01:11:07,307 --> 01:11:08,306 you were fantastic tonight. 1368 01:11:08,307 --> 01:11:10,306 - Oh, shit. 1369 01:11:10,307 --> 01:11:11,306 - By the way, Mike, 1370 01:11:11,307 --> 01:11:13,306 I'm sorry for drinking all the blood out of your tiger. 1371 01:11:13,307 --> 01:11:17,306 I was going through a weird phase. 1372 01:11:17,307 --> 01:11:19,306 Ah, look, there he is-- 1373 01:11:19,307 --> 01:11:21,306 Jeff Ross. 1374 01:11:21,307 --> 01:11:24,306 Jeff, Jeff, that gaddafi outfit is perfect for you, 1375 01:11:24,307 --> 01:11:27,306 because you have what I would call a Libyan face. 1376 01:11:27,307 --> 01:11:31,307 By that, I mean it's fuckin' revolting. 1377 01:11:32,307 --> 01:11:34,306 Oh, hey, look. Look. 1378 01:11:34,307 --> 01:11:37,306 It's former funnyman jon lovitz. 1379 01:11:37,307 --> 01:11:39,306 Just last week, we were out on the golf course, 1380 01:11:39,307 --> 01:11:41,306 we chatted, had a few laughs, 1381 01:11:41,307 --> 01:11:45,307 then he got back on the mower and drove off. 1382 01:11:48,307 --> 01:11:50,306 And Amy schumer. 1383 01:11:50,307 --> 01:11:51,306 Great job. 1384 01:11:51,307 --> 01:11:54,306 You really fucked me tonight... 1385 01:11:54,307 --> 01:11:57,306 Which I dig, because I'm into anonymous sex. 1386 01:11:57,307 --> 01:12:03,306 And no one's more anonymous here than Amy schumer. 1387 01:12:03,307 --> 01:12:05,306 I mean, I'm Charlie fuckin' sheen. 1388 01:12:05,307 --> 01:12:07,306 They know me on Mars. 1389 01:12:07,307 --> 01:12:11,306 They don't know you in this room. 1390 01:12:11,307 --> 01:12:13,306 You know, I personally asked that William shatner be here, 1391 01:12:13,307 --> 01:12:17,306 only because I needed some clean urine. 1392 01:12:17,307 --> 01:12:18,306 I had to wring it out of the diaper, 1393 01:12:18,307 --> 01:12:19,307 but it did the job. 1394 01:12:26,307 --> 01:12:29,306 Bill, you've always been an inspiration to my acting. 1395 01:12:29,307 --> 01:12:30,306 It was your work on "star trek" 1396 01:12:30,307 --> 01:12:32,306 that inspired me to act like an asshole 1397 01:12:32,307 --> 01:12:36,307 until the rest of the cast stopped speaking to me. 1398 01:12:40,307 --> 01:12:43,306 But, look, look, this has been, um... 1399 01:12:43,307 --> 01:12:46,306 This has been both enlightening and fun. 1400 01:12:46,307 --> 01:12:48,306 You are all worthy adversaries. 1401 01:12:48,307 --> 01:12:50,306 But the thing is, 1402 01:12:50,307 --> 01:12:54,306 once again, I have come out unscathed. 1403 01:12:54,307 --> 01:12:58,307 [Cheers and applause] 1404 01:13:00,307 --> 01:13:02,306 You can't hurt me. 1405 01:13:02,307 --> 01:13:06,306 Hell, I can't even hurt me. 1406 01:13:06,307 --> 01:13:08,306 Drugs couldn't kill me. 1407 01:13:08,307 --> 01:13:10,306 Sex couldn't kill me. 1408 01:13:10,307 --> 01:13:12,306 The press couldn't kill me. 1409 01:13:12,307 --> 01:13:17,306 "Two and a half men" couldn't kill me. 1410 01:13:17,307 --> 01:13:19,306 Did you really think your little jokes 1411 01:13:19,307 --> 01:13:21,306 were gonna hurt me? 1412 01:13:21,307 --> 01:13:25,306 I'm the wild thing-- Ricky fuckin' Vaughn, man. 1413 01:13:25,307 --> 01:13:28,307 [Cheers and applause] 1414 01:13:30,307 --> 01:13:34,306 You're looking at a guy who thrives on chaos. 1415 01:13:34,307 --> 01:13:37,306 At ten years old, I was on the set of "apocalypse now" 1416 01:13:37,307 --> 01:13:39,306 in the philippine jungle, playing with severed heads 1417 01:13:39,307 --> 01:13:42,306 in colonel kurtz's compound. 1418 01:13:42,307 --> 01:13:43,306 When I did "Ferris Bueller," 1419 01:13:43,307 --> 01:13:46,306 my first line in the film was "drugs?" 1420 01:13:46,307 --> 01:13:50,307 I thought they were asking me how I wanted to be paid. 1421 01:13:56,307 --> 01:13:59,306 After "platoon," "wall street,' and "major league," 1422 01:13:59,307 --> 01:14:03,306 I went on to have the biggest salary on television. 1423 01:14:03,307 --> 01:14:06,306 Sounds great, right? It was. 1424 01:14:06,307 --> 01:14:10,306 No, really. It fuckin' was. 1425 01:14:10,307 --> 01:14:13,306 I did porn stars. I did drugs. 1426 01:14:13,307 --> 01:14:16,306 I had my own television show. 1427 01:14:16,307 --> 01:14:18,306 And then... 1428 01:14:18,307 --> 01:14:20,306 Then I did the one thing that everyone in America 1429 01:14:20,307 --> 01:14:23,306 really wishes they could do. 1430 01:14:23,307 --> 01:14:26,306 I told my boss to fuck off. 1431 01:14:26,307 --> 01:14:29,307 [Cheers and applause] 1432 01:14:33,307 --> 01:14:36,306 And then it was gone... 1433 01:14:36,307 --> 01:14:40,306 In one fiery public flame-out. 1434 01:14:40,307 --> 01:14:42,306 And it was only when the smoke cleared, 1435 01:14:42,307 --> 01:14:46,306 I realized just how lucky I am, 1436 01:14:46,307 --> 01:14:49,306 because even after all that, 1437 01:14:49,307 --> 01:14:51,306 I still have a family that loves me. 1438 01:14:51,307 --> 01:14:54,306 [Cheers and applause] 1439 01:14:54,307 --> 01:14:58,306 That's why they're not here tonight. 1440 01:14:58,307 --> 01:15:00,306 Yeah, they've-- they've seen me in jail. 1441 01:15:00,307 --> 01:15:02,306 They've seen me rushed to emergency rooms. 1442 01:15:02,307 --> 01:15:04,306 They've seen me dragged into court. 1443 01:15:04,307 --> 01:15:08,307 But seeing me on basic cable would kill them. 1444 01:15:12,307 --> 01:15:13,306 But I know-- I know that my family 1445 01:15:13,307 --> 01:15:16,306 will always be there for me, 1446 01:15:16,307 --> 01:15:18,306 so... 1447 01:15:18,307 --> 01:15:20,306 What I'm trying to say is that 1448 01:15:20,307 --> 01:15:22,306 I'm done with "the winning," 1449 01:15:22,307 --> 01:15:25,306 because I've already won. 1450 01:15:25,307 --> 01:15:27,306 - Yeah. - Yeah. 1451 01:15:27,307 --> 01:15:31,307 [Cheers and applause] 1452 01:15:32,307 --> 01:15:35,306 This roast may be over, 1453 01:15:35,307 --> 01:15:37,306 but I'm Charlie sheen. 1454 01:15:37,307 --> 01:15:40,306 And in here-- in here burns 1455 01:15:40,307 --> 01:15:44,306 an eternal fire. 1456 01:15:44,307 --> 01:15:45,306 I just have to remember 1457 01:15:45,307 --> 01:15:49,306 to keep it away from a crack pipe. 1458 01:15:49,307 --> 01:15:51,306 I'll see you all in the next adventure. 1459 01:15:51,307 --> 01:15:52,306 I love you. Good night. Thank you. 1460 01:15:52,307 --> 01:15:54,306 [Cheers and applause] 1461 01:15:54,307 --> 01:16:00,307 [Rock music] 1462 01:16:13,307 --> 01:16:14,306 - Mike. 1463 01:16:14,307 --> 01:16:15,306 - Oh, he's doing it again? - Yeah. 1464 01:16:15,307 --> 01:16:18,306 - This motherfucker. 1465 01:16:18,307 --> 01:16:20,306 - Come on, Steve-O. - Don't hurt me! 1466 01:16:20,307 --> 01:16:22,306 - Oh! 1467 01:16:22,307 --> 01:16:23,306 - Shit, that just went right in his eye. 1468 01:16:23,307 --> 01:16:25,306 That just went right in his eye. 1469 01:16:25,307 --> 01:16:26,306 - Are you okay? - That went right in his eye. 1470 01:16:26,307 --> 01:16:28,306 - Broken nose. - Are you all right? 1471 01:16:28,307 --> 01:16:29,306 - Are you okay? - A broke nose. 1472 01:16:29,307 --> 01:16:31,306 - Oh, shit. - You broke your nose? 1473 01:16:31,307 --> 01:16:32,306 - I'm sorry. 1474 01:16:32,307 --> 01:16:34,306 - It was his fuckin' fault, dude. 1475 01:16:34,307 --> 01:16:36,306 It's not your fault. - We need a medic. 1476 01:16:36,307 --> 01:16:38,306 - I better get out of this fast. - No, no, no. 1477 01:16:38,307 --> 01:16:41,306 It's all good, man. - Uh, Steve-O. 1478 01:16:41,307 --> 01:16:42,306 - Steve-O. - Yeah. 1479 01:16:42,307 --> 01:16:44,306 - What the fuck? - How you feelin'? 1480 01:16:44,307 --> 01:16:45,906 - You're beautiful, man. - I mean, and I'm a sick guy. 1481 01:16:45,907 --> 01:16:46,307 - You're beautiful. 1482 01:16:49,280 --> 01:16:51,279 - If you're gonna have a broken nose, 1483 01:16:51,280 --> 01:16:54,279 that's the fucking way to get it. 1484 01:16:54,280 --> 01:16:55,279 - You were awesome. 1485 01:16:55,280 --> 01:16:57,279 - That's--Charlie, nice work, man. 1486 01:16:57,280 --> 01:16:58,279 You were too. 1487 01:16:58,280 --> 01:17:00,279 - It'll hit me later that I told Mike Tyson he can't read, 1488 01:17:00,280 --> 01:17:02,279 and then I'll shit myself. 1489 01:17:02,280 --> 01:17:04,279 - It was good--everybody was a good sport, actually. 1490 01:17:04,280 --> 01:17:05,279 Especially Charlie. 1491 01:17:05,280 --> 01:17:08,279 - We made it. We survived a roast. 1492 01:17:08,280 --> 01:17:10,279 - So until next time, 1493 01:17:10,280 --> 01:17:12,279 which will be never, 1494 01:17:12,280 --> 01:17:14,279 so long. 1495 01:17:14,280 --> 01:17:16,280 Right on. 108877