Original subtitles

Announcer: This program is rated TV ma-l

and contains strong language and adult content.

Viewer discretion advised.

- All aboard!

[Evil laughter]

- [Voice echoing] We are high priests. Warlocks.

We're Vatican assassins.

This rock star must make them weep.

I'm an f-18, bro.

- [Singing] I'm going off the rails on a crazy train

I'm going off the rails on a crazy train

- this is the "comedy central roast of Charlie sheen."

And now, please welcome your roastmaster,

Seth macfarlane.

[Cheers and applause]

- Ladies and gentlemen...

Thank you.

Thank you very much.

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.

I'm Seth macfarlane,

and, yes, the big night is finally here.

Welcome to the "comedy central roast of Charlie sheen."

[Cheers and applause]

Yes, we're here tonight to honor and hopefully arrest

a man who was great in two things 25 years ago,

Charlie sheen.

Actually, there's a lot of sheen on TV

this evening when this show airs.

Tonight on "two and a half men,"

they're actually having Charlie's pretend funeral,

believe it or not.

There's no need to switch over, though.

Just wait a few months.

You can probably see the real thing.

[Laughter]

I mean, we all know there's a good chance

Charlie will be dead soon,

so I wrote an o-- an obituary.

"Charlie sheen, who became a tabloid fixture

"due to his problems with drugs and alcohol,

was found dead in his apartment--"

actually, you know what?

I kind of actually just copied Amy winehouse's obituary.

It's--it's--I only had to change three things, though.

The sex of the deceased, the location of the body,

and the part that says, "a talent that will be missed."

- We love Charlie!

- All right. So I know Tyson's

not gonna kick the shit out of me.

That's good news.

So we're gonna take a few pokes at him here tonight,

but there is no denying that Charlie sheen is an icon.

You've seen him on TV. You've seen him in movies.

And if you're a prostitute,

you've seen him point a gun at your face

while you try to get him hard.

I tell you, look at this dais behind me.

These are a bunch of nobodies.

I honestly cannot tell where the dais ends

and the audience begins.

It's all kind of blending together.

Mike Tyson is here.

[Cheers and applause]

- Fucking-- - Mike--what the fuck?

You're retired. Fix your fucking teeth.

For God sakes.

You know, George foreman at least is making money

off his shitty grill.

We've--we've got the great William shatner,

of course.

[Cheers and applause]

Who's been getting rave reviews for his new interview show,

"raw nerve," where he asks the tough questions

others are afraid to ask of people like weird Al yankovic,

kelsey grammer, and Scott baio.

Who the--who the fuck is booking that show?

Are they--

are they just using a page

from Kate Walsh's 1987 diary entry entitled,

"guys I need to blow to get started in Hollywood"?

Is that--

- Kate's not old enough for that stuff, man.

- Kate, why are you here? What are you doing here?

You should not be here.

Steve-O from "jackass" is here!

[Cheers and applause]

Look at him.

He's always got that shit-eating grin on his face...

From eating shit.

- [Cackling]

- So, Charlie sheen,

this is a man who lives like his hearse is double-parked,

so while we still have time,

let's take a look back at the work

that paid for all that cocaine.

- Gentlemen... He's back.

- Hey, buddy.

- And they're off and running.

- Now cool off.

- Oh, I am cool.

You should see me when I'm hot.

- What are you looking at?

- What are you smiling at, huh?

- How many yachts can you water-ski behind?

How much is enough?

- I am your daughter. - No, you're not.

- Aah! - Gah!

- Are too, too, too, too, too...

- Not, not, not, not, not, not...

- "Are too" times ten.

- Tiger blood. Yes, it's real.

It's as real as me.

- [Singing] It's the eye of the tiger

it's the thrill of the fight

rising up to the challenge of our rivals

- we got warrants! We're the law!

- Golf clap? - Golf clap.

- [Singing] And he's watching us all with the eye

of the tiger [Tiger roars]

- Some are saying that you're bipolar.

- I'm bi-winning. Winning!

- Charlie sheen has got to be on drugs again.

- Sure. - Drugs?

- I am on a drug. It's called Charlie sheen.

Reminder-- tiger blood.

- [Singing] With a shot of tiger blood...

- Winner, winner, chicken dinner--I don't think so.

Winner, winner, sheen dinner!

Winning. Pretty fucking cool, huh?

- Due to pending legal action,

we are unable to show you a scene

from "two and a half men" at this time.

- Strike this motherfucker out.

- Wild thing delivers.

- You are the sexiest man I have ever laid eyes on.

- Check.

- You know, I've lived a pretty wild life,

with the drinking and the hookers and the drugs

and the hookers.

- Ugh. You're such a pig.

- You know, usually I have to date a woman

before she treats me this way.

- There's my life. Deal with it.

It's on. Bring it. Winning. Buh-bye.

[Cheers and applause]

- And now, ladies and gentlemen,

it's time to bring out the man of the hour.

He went from "Ferris Bueller's day off"

to having every day off.

Please welcome the rock star from Mars,

Charlie sheen.

[Cheers and applause]

[Train whistle blows]

[Rock music]

- Wow. Wow!

Wow! Wow!

Wow. Wow, wow, wow.

Wow.

Unbelievable. Thank you. Thank you.

- Have fun.

- Slash!

[Cheers and applause]

How are you, Seth? - Charlie.

- Ahh. Thank you.

- There he sits, the man of the hour.

Charlie, you claim to have tiger blood,

but with all the porn stars you've banged,

it's probably just Tiger Woods' blood,

I'm guessing.

You have a lot of nicknames for yourself.

You say you're a Vatican assassin,

whatever that is.

Charlie, the Vatican does not have assassins.

- No.

- If they want to shut someone up,

they just buy 'em ice cream

and tell 'em if they talk, Jesus will kill their parents.

Now, as you may know,

Charlie sheen is not his birth name.

His original Spanish name is señor drugs.

Kidding aside, though,

Carlos estevez took his dad's name,

yes, to gain credibility as an actor.

I've seen your films,

and you don't really act like a sheen.

But, you know, with your rap sheet

and briefcases of coke,

you're definitely acting like a Carlos.

Charlie went on to star in TV and film,

both drama and comedy.

He was the star of "hot shots"...

[Cheers and applause]

Which is also what Charlie feels

when he takes a piss.

[Laughter]

I really think you and Emilio should do a follow-up

to the movie "men at work,"

and you can call it "men who don't work anymore."

Right? That would be...

I'll help-- I'll help you write that.

But, uh, of course a very public meltdown

changed the landscape.

It's interesting,

when you think about the firing of Charlie sheen

tells you all you really need to know about Hollywood.

You can abuse drugs. You can abuse your spouse.

You can trash hotel rooms.

You can solicit prostitutes.

But don't you ever, ever call a Jewish guy

by his actual Jewish name.

Charlie has found ways to make money, though, since the firing.

He's got is own iPhone app.

It's amazing, actually.

You type in your height, your weight, your date of birth,

you answer a few questions about your personality,

and then it shoots Kelly Preston.

[Laughs] Sorry.

He is dependent upon no man and no thing...

Except crack, Jack, crank, meth, ludes,

Vicodin, blow, acid, uppers, poppers,

"e," nitrous, dust, hash,

and this one boner medicine from Norway.

He's the reason a dick with cocaine on it

is called a "sheenis."

- Wow.

Wow.

- He's still with us, Charlie sheen.

In fact, Charlie just celebrated his 46th birthday...

[Cheers and applause] - Thank you.

Thank you.

- A statement no one thought we would ever hear--

kind of like, "get jeselnik on the phone."

Or...

Or "Jeff Ross'll pay for it."

Or jon lovitz saying, "one cock at a time, please."

Charlie allegedly made a prostitute cry

at the Plaza hotel.

I want to tell you though, Charlie, I think she's lying,

'cause I saw the scene

where you got arrested in "wall street."

You can't even make yourself cry.

But, you know, with all those "dangerous jobs" shows on TV,

like the ones about crab fishing, ice road trucking,

why is there no show

about the most dangerous job out there--

being an escort for Charlie sheen?

How long must we wait for the first season

of "deadliest snatch"?

I'm ready to see that right--

right now.

Honestly, Charlie,

I never thought I would live to see the night

that you would live to see this night.

I really didn't.

And now our first roaster, jon lovitz.

[Cheers and applause]

He was one of the stars of a "Saturday night live" cast

that the critics have hailed as "not the worst."

I think of jon lovitz when I think of wit.

And I also think of jon lovitz

when I want to keep from coming too soon.

He's...

At his old job on "snl,"

he coined the phrase, "that's the ticket,"

a line that he still uses in his current job

as a valet parking attendant.

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome the star

of "two and a half chins,"

one of my favorite "snl" comics ever,

jon lovitz.

[Cheers and applause]

- Thank you for that introduction, Seth macfarlane.

Anyway, I am jon lovitz,

although I think most of you know me by my stage name--

j-lo.

Thank you.

Well, look at this dais.

Oh, you know, my good friend Harvey levin from "tmz"

was supposed to be here tonight,

but he got stuck in his boyfriend.

Genius! Thank you.

And we've got my old friend, Mike Tyson is here.

Yes, sir.

You know, his boxing nickname is iron Mike,

which is what the guards used to scream at him

in the prison laundry.

- I don't do that anymore, jon.

- Well, I know you don't do that anymore.

You're not in prison anymore.

- Just making it clear.

- He's funny.

Hey, how did Amy schumer get here?

I'd ask whose dick she sucked to get on the dais,

but she's dating Anthony jeselnik,

so I'll just ask him.

Anthony, whose dick did Amy suck to get on the dais?

Who else is-- oh, hello, Steve-O.

Yes, sir.

Talked to Steve-O this morning.

I said, "how's your day going?"

He said, "great. I woke up, took a big shit,

then got out of bed"...

And Kate Walsh is here.

She plays a baby doctor on her show.

She actually thinks she's one in real life.

You know, Kate could play younger roles,

but, uh, she lacks one thing:

Moisture.

- It's true.

Very dry.

- You know, unlike all you people on this dais,

I, uh-- I actually know Charlie,

and I'm famous.

No, he's my friend.

I've known him for about 18 years,

and I can tell you he's nothing like the character

he plays on "tmz."

And people say, "oh, he's crazy,"

you know, just because he likes beautiful women

to come to his house, have sex with him,

and then leave.

What a nut.

First time I hung out with Charlie

was at his house after the super bowl.

Bunch of hot chicks showed up, and...

I looked up, I saw my old girlfriend, and...

Charlie put his arm around me and said, "pick a hooker."

First time in my life I cried and came at the same time.

No, it wasn't.

And now a joke.

How much blow can Charlie sheen do?

Enough to kill "two and a half men."

[Laughter and applause]

I'm kidding. The man is misunderstood.

Eight-balls of heroin-- bad for you?

Or as Charlie sees it,

the most important meal of the day.

Now, sure, things got pretty crazy for a while.

He was all mixed up.

But he knew it was time to get straight

when he put his dick in his coke

and his razor in his hooker.

And did you know Charlie's--

according to the torah, he's Jewish?

And not because his mother's a Jew,

but because CBS paid him $50 million

and he still sued the network.

Now, listen, despite what you read,

Charlie's still close to all of his exes.

Why, well, just recently,

he took Brooke Mueller to Mexico...

Where he banged her ass so hard,

three balloons of coke fell out.

But Charlie's a gentleman.

He put them back in.

Picture it!

Thank you.

[Cheers and applause]

- All right.

Our next roaster is Kate Walsh.

[Cheers and applause]

Why are you here?

Let me say that it is a thrill

to be around the hottest, sexiest woman of 2002.

Let's give a big round of meno-plause

for the beautiful and talented Kate Walsh.

[Cheers and applause]

- Seth macfarlane,

the only difference between you

and the hooker Charlie locked in the closet

is that the hooker eventually came out.

[Laughter] [Cheers and applause]

After years of playing a doctor on "grey's anatomy"

and "private practice,"

people actually think I'm a real doctor,

so I figured, "fuck it.

"I'm gonna start giving some professional diagnoses

to these people over here."

For instance, Jeff Ross,

your results have come back,

and I'm going to tell you something

that you have never heard about any of your TV pilots.

You tested positive.

Congratulations, Jeff.

And, Jeff, listen,

I know you're concerned about your complexion,

but you have to stop letting Mike Tyson

come all over your face.

- He looks good. I like the way he looks.

- Thank you very much.

- People ask me all the time, "what is good cholesterol?"

Like I know, but look, there's a lot of debate.

I think we can all agree that good cholesterol is anything

that gives jon lovitz a fatal heart attack.

Jon lovitz.

Oh.

No, wake up, jon. There's more.

But I have to break doctor-patient confidentiality.

Your results came back,

and it turns out that that embarrassing,

nasty parasite on your penis

is Amy schumer.

And there is no cure.

I'm so, so happy to see that William shatner is here,

because a medical colleague told me that you passed on.

I said, "bullshit. Have seen his resume?

Shatner's never passed on anything."

- Just wait. - [Laughs]

[Rolls tongue]

You look great. I mean, your skin is so tight.

I can't tell if you've had a face-lift

or vaginal rejuvenation.

Patrice O'Neal, I understand you have diabetes,

and as you know,

this disease is very serious and often linked to a poor diet.

So my advice is simple.

Grape soda does not count as a fruit.

Mr. sheen, the doctor will see you now.

I have to say, Charlie,

you are an incredible medical specimen.

I guess that's one of the benefits

of waking up every morning at the crack of crack.

And, you know, it's amazing.

Despite all those years of abusing your lungs,

your kidneys, your liver,

the only thing you've had removed is your kids.

Admittedly, Charlie gets a little confused sometimes.

He's the only guy who pulls a knife

on a woman who's already willing to fuck him.

- I'll drink to that.

I'll drink to that.

- Mike will drink to that.

But is Charlie really the worst guy here?

So he made a chick blow him for 30 grand.

Mike Tyson makes you blow him...

[Imitating Mike tyson] "'Cause I said so. That's why."

[Laughter]

- I'll drink to that too.

I'll drink...

- Isn't that right, Steve-O?

And so, Charlie, I'm happy to say,

whether it's your adonis DNA, your tiger blood,

or the drug called Charlie sheen,

for some reason, you're able to defy science and medicine

and continue to survive.

I'll pencil you in for your relapse next week.

Thank you so much. Good night.

[Cheers and applause]

- All right.

Here comes Jeff Ross...

[Cheers and applause]

Who actually toured with Charlie.

You know, I always thought Jeff was a terrible comic,

until I learned that he actually is

seriously, for real, mentally retarded.

And now I think he's an inspiration and a hero.

So please welcome America's special needs comedian,

Jeff Ross.

[Cheers and applause]

- Give it up for the warlock!

[Cheers and applause]

Friends, roasters, enablers,

lend Mike Tyson your ears.

Because this lineup is so pathetic,

I was hoping I'd get replaced by Ashton kutcher.

What a bunch of nobodies we're left with.

Is this a roast or the republican primaries?

- Fuck you, Jeff! - Thank you!

I'm fuckin' scared of that guy.

This is hard. How do you roast a meltdown?

Charlie's meltdown was so bad,

Al Gore's making a documentary about it.

Tell us, Charlie.

How do you go from being TV's highest-paid actor ever

to being the highest actor ever to be on TV?

Charlie's nostrils are so snotty and full of coke,

he calls them the Hilton sisters.

But listen, Charlie, after eight seasons, was it?

Eight seasons of "two and a half men,"

it's great to finally see you doing a comedy show.

You got so fucked by Ashton kutcher,

your name should be demi Moore's vagina.

Instead of getting his life together,

Charlie went out on a national comedy tour...

Where every night, Charlie, you walked on stage

and you told the audience you were a warlock from Mars.

Oh, maybe you are.

But I'll tell you what you're not--

a comedian from earth.

Charlie sheen is to stand-up

what Larry flynt is to standing up.

Charlie, if you're winning,

then something's wrong with the fucking scoreboard.

Come on, man.

Charlie, if you're winning,

then this must not be a child custody hearing.

The only time your kids get to see you is in reruns.

Charlie, don't you want to live to see their first 12 steps?

You're the black sheep of a family

responsible for three "mighty ducks" movies.

You make your own father ashamed

that he shares the same fake name as you.

Martin sheen and Emilio estevez

said they would have been here tonight,

but they had a family obligation.

Charlie's never lonely. Don't worry.

I've been up to that house.

I can tell you that Charlie is stockpiling whores up there.

The place is packed with whores.

Charlie, you should be on "hoarders."

Charlie sheen has paid for so much sex,

he keeps his credit card under his balls to save time.

Oh, poor Charlie.

Poor Charlie has the weight of the world on his shoulders.

And patrice O'Neal has it on his knees.

[Giggles]

Patrice, you told me you would never do a roast,

and now here you are, you sickle-cell out!

You like that one?

I love you, patrice.

Why are you dressed like a gay umpire?

Anthony jeselnik, some say you're the next Greg giraldo.

Let's hope so.

Corbin bernsen show up?

- Yes!

- Where is he?

Hey, buddy. How you doin', man?

Star of "major league" with Charlie,

that's cool.

We didn't even invite him tonight.

He called into a radio station and won tickets.

Where's slash? There he is.

Slash, you were awesome in the open of the show, man.

That was cool.

Always in that top hat, man.

You're like the Abe Lincoln of rock and roll...

Especially since you haven't had a hit

in four score and seven years.

Yeah.

I'm kidding, slash.

Thanks for playing my nephew's bar mitzvah last year.

That was cool.

That was really cool.

And oh, wow, look at that.

Looking good, Brooke Mueller.

Charlie's ex. What's up, babe?

- What's up?

- She's not very bright

unless Charlie's throwing a lamp at her.

Too soon?

Oh, jon lovitz.

Great job tonight, man. That was funny.

Nice to see you taking a break from taking a break.

Jon, what's your catch phrase?

"Chinning!"

And there's our old roast honoree,

William shatner, one of the coolest guys in the world.

[Cheers and applause]

I'm not gonna make fun of him,

'cause he looks like he's on his final frontier.

Hey, captain kirk,

maybe Scotty can beam your balls up from the floor...

You old pervert.

Backstage he flashed Kate Walsh

his graying anatomy.

And of course, the "jackass" family

suffered a terrible tragedy recently.

Steve-O started doing stand-up.

And I can't believe I get to sit

next to the-- "iron" Mike Tyson, man,

one of the coolest, most amazing athletes in the world.

Thanks for rolling with the punches tonight, champ.

- Thank you, Jeff. Thank you, Jeff.

- I bet you haven't been shit on this hard

since you cleaned your pigeon Coop this morning.

Not only do you love pigeons, but you sound like one.

Listen, I'm not gonna make fun of Mike Tyson,

because if he--

- that's right. 'Cause I'm gonna shit on you tonight.

- That's right. I know, I know.

If you're willing to do that to your face,

imagine what he would do to mine.

What is that on your face, a target for pepper spray?

Mike, the ironic thing is,

after all the faces you bashed in,

the one you fucked up the most is your own.

Ah, but there's no denying the fact that Mike Tyson

had the hardest-hitting right hook in history.

Your opponents spent more time bleeding in the corner

than Charlie's ex-wives.

[Audience groans]

Too soon? Too soon?

Too real? Too real?

And now that the goddesses have moved out,

Charlie had to start snorting coke of his own dick.

Has anybody seen your ex-goddess Bree Olson's latest movie?

Last time I saw that many guys coming out of the same hole,

I was watching the rescue of the Chilean miners.

Charlie, your work has always inspired me.

When I saw "platoon," I started caring about the troops.

When I saw "wall street," I wanted to take over the world.

When I saw "two and a half men,"

I wanted to get up and go see a movie.

Charlie, by taking these punches from us tonight,

you've proved to all your fans

that you're the new king of the comebacks.

Yeah.

In fact...

In fact, you've come on more backs

than anyone in Hollywood.

Charlie, when you were on the tour,

I roasted you eight times in eight different cities.

And I got meaner every time.

You were a great sport,

perhaps the greatest sport in roast history,

and I don't know what you're gonna do next,

but whatever you decide,

I know firsthand that there's an army of fans out there

waiting to check it out and support you in a big way.

I love you guys. Thank you so much.

The warlock--the best.

[Cheers and applause]

- All right, our next roaster is Mike Tyson.

[Cheers and applause]

Tyson has had three marriages.

The first two ended in knockouts.

He's a guy--

- I threw in the fuckin' towel.

- Please don't murder me. He's a guy...

[Laughter]

He's a guy who's beaten every opponent he has gone up against

except the letter "s."

So...

So now please...

Please be patient as he sounds out his jokes.

Ladies and gentlemen, "iron" Mike Tyson!

- Oh, shit.

Thank you. Thank you very much, Seth.

Oh, man.

Well, you know, during a very dark period in my life,

I found inspiration

by reading the great epic poem "the iliad."

So, see, Seth,

you're not the only person

that gotten by by taking ideas from homer.

[Speaks indistinctly]

That's a fuckin' idiot over there.

He's a fuckin' idiot, with that stewie.

Okay. All right.

Well, if I must confess, I'm really not a roaster,

'cause of course, you know, everyone,

I don't like hurting people.

And, um, I'm living, you know,

more of a spiritual life now through poetry,

and I've written...

[Woman giggles]

Well, you know, I've written, you know,

many verses in my secret garden,

and now I'd like to share them with a few of you here today.

Thank you, everybody.

Well, this'll be a honor,

because, um, as the bard once said,

"all the world's a stage."

And Charlie's been booed off them all, of course.

In this first verse,

you'll recognize the classic a-a-b-b-a poetic structure.

There once was a old man named Ross

whose jokes were covered with moss.

His punch line was musty, his premise was dusty,

I wish he'd suck on a fuckin' exhaust, you know?

Oh. So excuse me.

What you gonna do, Jeff?

What the fuck you gonna do, Jeff?

You know, I'm-- you know, I must say, you know,

I'm rather intrigued by your puffy, grotesque

fuckin' face, Jeff, you know?

Normally--normally when I'm next to somebody

whose face is grotesque as yours,

they throw in the fuckin' towel, man.

You're a mess, man.

During your performance, I wish I bit my own ears off.

You know? You fuckin' suck, man.

You suck!

All right. All right.

- That was the best. - All right.

Now-- no, come on, stop.

I got to do this shit right. All right.

Of course, no poetry slam would be complete

without a tip of the beret to the beat poets.

Now, please.

I saw the best minds of my generation destroyed

by madness, starving, hysterical, naked,

dragging themselves through the negro streets at dawn

looking for a angry fix, and I say,

"hey, Charlie sheen, that prostitute's a fucking guy, man.

"He's got big protruding balls.

"He's gonna bust your stool, man.

"Watch out! It's not a pretty sight, Charlie.

"You'll be wearing diapers for a long time!

Fuck! Oh."

If I may digress...

If I may...

[Cheers and applause]

I didn't do well in school,

but I'm trying to do this shit.

All right.

Charlie, our next poem

was inspired by the great Emily Dickinson,

who I consider a real goddess.

You know, whatever happened to them hos, man?

Oh, oh, oh, I'm sorry.

But, Charlie, let me remind you...

Something every man must know.

Once the money goes,

so does the hos.

Trust me on that one, Charlie.

Man, come on, let's keep it real.

You know, Brooke,

Charlie had every fucking disease known to man,

but still, you suck his dick

before you shake Steve-O's hand, you know?

[Speaks indistinctly]

This wife-beating cokehead

claims he's some rock star from Mars.

Man, if he was black, his ass would be behind bars, you know?

Which is fuckin' bullshit,

because I'm the greatest poet alive!

I'm the greatest wordsmith ever.

I'm the--I'm Robert frost.

I'm--I'm lord Byron.

My verses are impetuous, my rhymes impregnable.

I want to eat your children!

I--I...

[Cheers and applause]

But, of course, I'm using poetic license,

and, um, they haven't revoked that one yet.

And thank you all, guys.

May you guys continue and resume to being nasty

and talking mean to one another.

God bless you. Bye, guys.

I'm finished.

[Cheers and applause]

- Thank you.

[Cheers and applause]

Anthony jeselnik's act

combines the excitement of standing there

with the thrill of saying words.

You know him best from me saying his name right now.

Please welcome a man who's got a bright future

in something other than comedy,

Anthony jeselnik.

[Cheers and applause]

- Thank you.

Seth macfarlane, everybody, huh?

[Cheers and applause]

This is macfarlane's third time hosting the show,

which should come as no surprise,

because when Seth macfarlane does something,

by God, he repeats the living shit out of it.

My good friend Jeff Ross is here...

- Yeah, buddy.

[Cheers and applause]

- Even though it's laundry day.

I'm glad you're here, Jeff.

You cannot do a roast without the roast master.

In fact, if they ever make a mount rushmore of roasters,

Jeff Ross will get to be a tour guide.

And Kate Walsh...

I don't watch that stupid show you're on.

But I did think it was interesting

that you have your own line of perfume, you know,

for that special lady

who wants to smell like "who gives a fuck?"

I'm glad William shatner

could squeeze this roast into his schedule...

In between cosmetic surgeries.

Bill, your face is so plastic

that when you're done with it,

they're gonna have to cut it up into little pieces

so that birds don't die.

What's up, Steve-O?

You have done so many drugs

and had your testicles crushed so many times

that if you ever even try to have kids,

they're gonna be just like you.

And, Steve-O I know you were in a dark place for a while.

You were struggling.

But now you're trying stand-up comedy.

I actually saw you perform once at the comedy cellar,

and here's some free advice, Steve-O.

Don't give up your suicide.

Patrice O'Neal is here.

You literally cannot miss him.

Holy Christ, you're fat.

You look like you deep-fry your hands

before you bite your fingernails.

- That's a good joke.

- That's a racist joke!

That's some racist shit right there.

- Mike Tyson.

That's the whole joke.

Mike Tyson, I love you.

You're my favorite boxer of all time.

I don't even want to stand up here and make fun of you.

Besides, what can you say about Mike Tyson

that hasn't already been the title of a Richard pryor album?

- Oh, shit.

- He got it. - I did.

- Patrice got it.

- Too many white people to get that.

- Too many white people?

You know what no one ever says is "too few black people."

Yeah.

Yeah, Mike Tyson is here.

Evander holyfield wanted to be here too tonight.

But he's being retarded now.

And, Mike,

Mike, to me, you will always be the champion.

You will always be the champion...

- Thank you very much.

- The champion of having more shit on your face than seal.

Mike Tyson got a tattoo on his face

so that every time he looks in the mirror,

he can be proud that converting to islam

is only the second dumbest thing he's ever done.

- That's good.

- You regret it.

- I will later.

- And now for the man of the hour,

Mr. Charlie sheen.

Charlie, I don't understand

why you're not grateful for what you have right now.

I mean, after all,

the only reason you got on TV in the first place

is because God hates Michael j. Fox.

Charlie, you are a monster.

Every moment of your life

looks like the first two minutes of "law & order: Svu."

You've convinced more women to have abortions

than the prenatal test for down's syndrome.

And, Charlie, I think the craziest thing about you

is that you thought you were gonna go back to your TV show

after calling your boss a "Jew kike."

If people got to keep their jobs

after calling their boss a Jew kike, Charlie,

then everyone would do it.

But, Charlie,

despite everything I've just said,

you're a good sport for being here tonight.

Thanks for letting me be here too.

Thank you, everybody.

Thanks a lot.

[Rock music]

- Uh, our next roaster is Steve-O.

[Cheers and applause]

This guy makes it easy for us

to bust his balls and pull his leg,

because his balls are usually stapled to his leg.

Steve-O has a--he's got a tattoo of his own face on his back.

And that's so they can identify his body

when he blows his head off.

So, now, please give up your horse semen for Steve-O.

- What an honor to be here with Mike Tyson.

The last time I hung out with Mike,

we locked ourselves in a bathroom

and ripped through five grams of cocaine.

But Mike's really changed his ways, though.

See, here he is taking a beating for a check,

and it hasn't been made out to Don King.

- That is a good one. That is a good one.

- Don't feel bad, though, Mike.

I know what it's like to generate millions of dollars

by sacrificing your body

only to have someone else take it all for themselves.

Johnny Knoxville has been doing that to me for years.

Some people know Kate Walsh as a television actress,

but most people don't know her at all.

And my hero...

Charlie sheen.

Charlie definitely has tiger blood

coursing through his veins.

Unfortunately, that tiger is a helpless drug addict.

Dude, your nose is like my ass.

There's nothing you won't shove up there.

I've been clean and sober for 3 1/2 years now...

[Cheers and applause]

But Charlie still hasn't hit rock bottom.

I know he's looking forward to it, though,

because he thinks there's a rock there.

You know, when Charlie started

referring to his girlfriends as goddesses,

I was confused,

so I looked it up in the dictionary.

It said, "goddesses, plural, noun--

two cum dumpsters who got sick of buying their own drugs."

But, Charlie, don't ever pretend

that you're not a totally bitchin' rock star from Mars,

because you are.

And I love you.

And I am so grateful

that you've let me be a part of this tonight.

Right now, I'm gonna do something

insanely stupid for you.

I am going to attempt

to get a black eye

from the former heavyweight champion of the world.

[Cheers and applause]

Mike, bro, I am ready.

Let me get that fist.

- Man, I don't want to do this shit, man.

We're not gonna call the police or anything after this.

- Fuck him up, Mike!

- All right.

[Cheers and applause]

Okay.

One, two, three.

- Go for it.

- Aah!

Ah.

I think that'll do it.

Thank you, everybody.

- Wow.

That's what it looks like when an asshole gets fisted, I guess.

All right.

All right, what can I say about Amy schumer?

Um, I actually mean that sincerely.

I've never heard of this woman.

So please get ready for the comedy stylings

of the fourth runner-up

of the fifth season of "last comic standing,"

Amy schumer.

- Mike "tython."

Am I saying that right?

- Ha ha. I'll get you good.

Oh, God.

- Wasn't he great up here?

No, I'm asking.

I couldn't understand a fuckin' word he said.

Mike, your voice sounds like a girl crying.

Every time you speak,

do you give yourself an erection?

- Sometimes. Depends what I'm talking about--

- hey, hey, hey, Mike,

here's something you'll never hear--

"great tattoo!"

You have a slutty lower-back tattoo on your face.

Men don't know whether to be scared of it

or finish on it.

Look at that face.

It's so-- it's so dark and wrinkly

and constantly getting pounded.

It's like patrice's grandmother's asshole

after a gospel brunch.

- Whoa, shit.

- I'm just assuming she raised you.

Patrice O'Neal, one of my favorite comics--

patrice has always been destined for stardom and diabetes.

So tonight is not just the roast of Charlie sheen.

It's also a farewell party for patrice's foot.

- Holy shit. Evil.

Sitting next to this bitch the whole time.

I didn't know she-- this was coming.

- A lot of people don't know this,

but patrice also had a crack problem.

But with a lot of love and patience,

he finally learned to attach a rag to a stick

and wipe himself.

- Oh, like one of them 700-pound people?

Oh, shit, I'm that fat? I've never been that fat.

- It's true.

- If Amy had as many dicks coming out as she had going in,

she'd look like a fuckin' porcupine.

- Is his interpreter here?

[Laughter] [Cheers and applause]

- Jeff Ross is gross.

But, no, I could see a girl hooking up with you, Jeff.

I mean, I would sit on your face

just so I wouldn't have to look at it.

Anthony, what's your last name--

uh, Van Der sloot?

What is it? Uh...

You have all the likeability of a Hitler youth.

Look at you.

Speaking of Kate Walsh, Kate, to some people,

"grey's anatomy" is more than a TV show.

In fact, "grey's anatomy"

is what William shatner calls his balls.

Right?

William.

I've seen less bloated men dredged out of rivers.

What's going on?

Wha--does priceline pay you in empanadas?

What's happening?

- Are we taking that from her? - Oh, yeah, we have to.

- You got to get her back! - Go get her.

Steve-O, great try.

Steve-O...

But I truly am, no joke,

sorry for the loss of your friend Ryan Dunn.

I know you must have been thinking,

"it could have been me,"

and I know we were all thinking, "why wasn't it?"

Um...

[Audience groans]

Thank you.

- Fuck you, Amy!

- Oh, Mike. Stay away from me.

Speaking of things that should already be dead,

Charlie sheen is still alive.

Charlie, you--I'm a fan.

You were amazing in "platoon."

Your marriage to Denise Richards,

it was kind of like her Vietnam,

'cause she was constantly afraid of being killed by Charlie.

[Laughter]

But there's no denying how famous you are.

I mean, it was international news

when you ruined the lives

of those two girls living with you--

you know, your daughters.

[Audience groans]

But, no, I mean, Charlie, you get a bad rap,

but you're just like Bruce Willis.

You know, you were big in the '80s,

and now your old slot's being filled with Ashton kutcher.

But all joking aside,

if you ever need a friend to pee in a cup for you,

I'm your gal.

Thanks for having me.

[Cheers and applause]

- All right, our next roaster

is the legendary William shatner.

[Cheers and applause]

Shatner is 80 years old. Can you believe that?

80 years old, so...

[Cheers and applause]

So the next time we see him on TV,

he'll be starring in "shit my dad is sitting in."

But for now, here he is.

I can't joke about this guy,

'cause I think he's the fuckin' greatest.

The guy who played captain kirk

back before "star trek" looked like a bunch of gay guys

working in a Mac store, William shatner.

- Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Keep it going for Chaz Bono.

Uh, Charlie...

I was driving by tonight,

and I heard that they were doing your roast,

and I thought what a great-- great opportunity

to offer this young Mexican...

A bit of fatherly advice

he so clearly hasn't been getting.

You see, I've been doing this for quite a while now,

and I think that, uh, I can bestow on you

some of the vast wisdom from my experience

in this wonderful business of entertainment.

Uh, first off, Charlie,

I'm 80 years old.

You're, what, 47?

- 46.

- How come we look like we went to high school together?

And, uh...

And you're going too fast, son.

You got to slow down and smell the roses, my boy.

That's why I have such a storied and...

Illustrious career...

Because I'm patient.

I was willing to wait a long time

to get into the right projects...

Just like patrice O'Neal's family.

Okay, Charlie.

So you're out of a job. Don't feel sad.

I know another famous guy who was kind to whores

and always kept 12 losers around,

and he got...

Crucified by Jews too.

And people worshipped that guy.

Look, look, Carlos...

I've had my share of wild times with the señoritas, yeah.

I've had sex in space with green women.

Sure, you've had sex with blue women,

because unlike you,

they couldn't handle their drugs.

You don't need that kind of press, Charlie!

In my day, if I wanted that kind of publicity,

I had to do something drastic,

like kiss a black girl...

Or let an Asian drive.

Oh.

May I suggest to you, Charlie...

That you reexamine your relations with women?

Prostitutes cost a lot of money, Charlie.

Hasn't anyone told you

that actresses will sleep with you for free?

Man, that's-- that's Hollywood 101.

You should have called.

You know, uh, what will help you get through this--

this--this tough spot,

something--you have to give something back.

See, I was at--recently at a celebrity auction

where I sold one of my kidney stones

for $75,000.

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

Do you understand what I've done?

I synthesized uric acid and calcium

inside my bladder

and turned it into a house for habitat for humanity.

Who's the warlock now, bitch?

Actually, Emilio...

We're not that different.

You're a rock star from Mars.

Yes, you are.

And as one rocket man to another,

if I may give you

my most important piece of advice tonight--

never, ever forget

to book your next rehab stay

through priceline.Com.

[Cheers and applause]

Now, Charlie, see, you take it from the master.

That little subtle plug there--

$65 right in the pocket.

Whoa, my, look at the time.

Oh, jeez.

I got to simply-- I must get home.

I want to catch that new Ashton kutcher show.

Do you--do you know him?

He's a nice guy. - No.

- I went to high school with his wife.

Thank you very much.

[Cheers and applause]

- It was funny.

How awesome was that?

Um...

Our next roaster is patrice O'Neal.

[Cheers and applause]

You may recognize patrice

from his many speaking roles in movies,

but only if you've sat in front of him in a theater.

Um... I know.

I know; Some of these jokes may come off racist,

which is why it's important to remember

that rosa parks fought

so patrice could take three seats on the bus.

So please welcome a guy who looks like Chris farley

after a mine-shaft explosion,

the very funny patrice O'Neal.

[Rock music]

- Thank you very much.

I, uh...

It's just strange, 'cause...

I had all this planned shit, but I didn't...

Like, I didn't know William shatner

was gonna be quasi...

Like, a old racist man.

Like, but...

[Laughter]

But everybody's giggling, like, "whoa, he's..."

You're a fuckin' asshole, captain kirk.

- What are you talking about?

- Like, I don't respect him,

but, like, I'll respect him,

'cause he's fuckin' captain kirk,

but I think he might be racist,

'cause his hair plugs look like black girls' pussy hair.

This is fucking amazing.

Like, I wasn't gonna be mean to Anthony.

I don't know him. I never met him.

Like, so I'm sitting here watching him,

and I'm like, "he has way too much confidence."

Like, in my world, he's an open-miker.

Nobody knows him, and nobody should.

Like, nobody should fuckin' know Anthony, uh...

I refuse to learn his last shitty name.

I learned galifianakis.

That's the last shitty last name

this nigga's gonna learn in this fuckin' funky town.

He reminds me of a medieval restaurant waiter.

Like...

His whole demeanor.

Like, "hello, may I welcome to--"

and you just want to go, "shut the fuck up

"and bring me my giant Turkey leg,

you fuckin' nothing."

How the fuck can I be too mean after all this shit?

I can't believe it.

I'm dying of diabetes,

and you motherfuckers are like,

"oh, that evil, fat puff." You know.

I consider Seth an icon. I do.

Like, I got a critique about Seth.

It--it's too much Seth.

It's...

Like, it's almost like he's jealous of his own creation,

where he wants to prove, "I'm better than the cartoons."

But he's not better than the cartoons.

See, but I think the problem is with Seth

is that he don't have a partner,

you know, like the "South park" guys

or Hanna-barbera.

I know we've read that old story

that, uh, Hanna once said, "I'm bigger than yogi,"

and barbera slapped the shit out of him for saying that?

Seth needs a barbera...

To slap him and slap him twice,

once to say, "hey, man, don't forget why people love you."

And two, "just say you're gay."

No...

[Laughter]

No straight man writes that many show tunes.

That's a fact.

I love Mike Tyson, and I don't have much to say.

As a fan of Mike Tyson-- as a fan, I love him,

and I don't mean that-- you know, I love him--

- fuck you. - I love you, man.

I'm just disappointed and hurt

at how much comfort white people have around you now.

I don't--I don't like it.

And Steve-O,

this new, subdued, "not drunk" you,

it fuckin' stinks, man.

Ride that whole Steve-O shit till the wheels come off, man.

Let a fuckin' leech bite your eyeballs

and do some goofy shit.

Even your fake punch, it just--

you disturb me with your lack of edge.

You just, like--

why are you still looking at me like that, Mr. shatner, sir?

You're like, "boy, I had more for that nigga.

"I didn't say it. I should have said it,

'cause he's an asshole."

- You're telling it as it is. - [Laughs]

- You're telling it like it is.

- Jeff Ross, I love you, I guess.

Look, Jeff Ross is a legend.

His funniness is a legend.

But when I say "legend," I mean a myth...

Like the loch ness monster or bigfoot.

Like, we all believe they exist,

but who really ever saw it?

Ah, shit.

I've turned down many roasts.

I have-- about three or four of 'em.

And I said yes to this, and I'm dead-ass serious.

I said yes to this because, uh,

I respect Charlie sheen.

I do. I said yes 'cause I respe--

not--not--not his body of work.

Like, not...

It's all been very Christian slater-ish.

Like, it just, like...

[Laughter]

He sucks, but he's good.

But he sucks at the same time.

I think that his stand that he made,

uh, against the business--

I think this is a fucked-up business,

but he stood up, he still survived,

uh, and he proved that nobody can keep, like,

a sheen down, you know?

They can keep a estevez down, 'cause his brother...

And he's the good one.

That motherfucker do everything right,

and that nigga's career is over.

Holy shit.

Fuck tiger blood.

He's selling his own blood to make money.

But I wanted to say to your eyes, man,

I-I-I...

I love that you stood up to what you thought was wrong,

and, uh, I'm impressed by you, and I wanted to say that.

So thank you, man. Thanks for having me.

Y'all take care. Thank you.

- And now it is time for the moment

we've all been waiting for.

We're gonna get to hear a ranting tirade

from the man himself.

[Cheers and applause]

Ladies and gentlemen,

I give you a man with a big heart,

because it's been dangerously enlarged by cocaine use,

Charlie sheen.

- Hi. Hello.

I'm Charlie.

[Cheers and applause]

Wow.

Wow fuckin' wow.

What a night.

Until tonight, I never realized how fucked up I was.

All this time, I thought I was just having fun.

[Sighs]

Maybe I should have listened to those 60 doctors...

3 ex-wives...

2 paramedics...

And 9 dead relatives who were motioning me toward the light.

All of whom told me not to do this roast.

Yeah, it's true. It's true.

I've hung around with a lot of shady people over the years--

losers, drug addicts,

dealers, desperate whores.

But to have you all here on one night is really special.

[Cheers and applause]

My thanks to Seth macfarlane.

Great job tonight.

Look at you, Seth.

You've got the-- got the spray-on tan,

the waxed eyebrows, the pec implants,

halogen teeth, the bleached anus...

The scrotal tuck,

nipple enlargement,

taint augmentation.

But I got to admit, I envy you.

You've got boatloads of money,

three TV shows,

and still, even with all the work you've had done,

you can walk down the street totally unrecognized.

- Yes.

Yes.

- I wish when I went out in public

the only thing I had to be afraid of is hearing,

"who's that dickhead with the fake tan?"

But--but you're not a total unknown.

Seriously, tell me,

dude to dude,

what's comicon pussy like?

- It's...

- Maybe someday I'll get to fuck

a fat chick with Spock ears and funyun breath.

But tonight I put all the craziness behind me.

I say let the past stay in the past...

With jon lovitz.

Steve-O, you're an animal, man.

People say I'm crazy, but you, you're the real deal.

This guy actually got a tattoo of his own face on his back.

There it is. There it is.

Even he knows it was a huge mistake,

because it makes

Johnny Knoxville's cock go soft.

Kate Walsh.

I don't know anyone who watches your show...

Because I date women who can still get their period.

Kate actually created and sells

her own perfume called "boyfriend."

It comes in a bottle...

And on your hair...

And between your tits.

- That's true.

- Then it leaves and never calls you again.

Kate, you should've called it "Charlie sheen."

Anthony jeselnik.

I really liked your slow, measured delivery.

It's as if you were trying to-- trying to savor the moment.

Years from now when you're locking up at radioshack...

You'll look back at tonight and say...

"I...

"Wish...I...

"Was...

Funnier."

- Goddamn.

- Seriously, dude, the only thing slower than your delivery

is patrice O'Neal's metabolism.

When I first saw patrice on the stage,

I thought the same thing we all did--

why is Mike Tyson's mother here?

But, Mike, no, no, Mike, Mike, Mike,

you were fantastic tonight.

- Oh, shit.

- By the way, Mike,

I'm sorry for drinking all the blood out of your tiger.

I was going through a weird phase.

Ah, look, there he is--

Jeff Ross.

Jeff, Jeff, that gaddafi outfit is perfect for you,

because you have what I would call a Libyan face.

By that, I mean it's fuckin' revolting.

Oh, hey, look. Look.

It's former funnyman jon lovitz.

Just last week, we were out on the golf course,

we chatted, had a few laughs,

then he got back on the mower and drove off.

And Amy schumer.

Great job.

You really fucked me tonight...

Which I dig, because I'm into anonymous sex.

And no one's more anonymous here than Amy schumer.

I mean, I'm Charlie fuckin' sheen.

They know me on Mars.

They don't know you in this room.

You know, I personally asked that William shatner be here,

only because I needed some clean urine.

I had to wring it out of the diaper,

but it did the job.

Bill, you've always been an inspiration to my acting.

It was your work on "star trek"

that inspired me to act like an asshole

until the rest of the cast stopped speaking to me.

But, look, look, this has been, um...

This has been both enlightening and fun.

You are all worthy adversaries.

But the thing is,

once again, I have come out unscathed.

[Cheers and applause]

You can't hurt me.

Hell, I can't even hurt me.

Drugs couldn't kill me.

Sex couldn't kill me.

The press couldn't kill me.

"Two and a half men" couldn't kill me.

Did you really think your little jokes

were gonna hurt me?

I'm the wild thing-- Ricky fuckin' Vaughn, man.

[Cheers and applause]

You're looking at a guy who thrives on chaos.

At ten years old, I was on the set of "apocalypse now"

in the philippine jungle, playing with severed heads

in colonel kurtz's compound.

When I did "Ferris Bueller,"

my first line in the film was "drugs?"

I thought they were asking me how I wanted to be paid.

After "platoon," "wall street,' and "major league,"

I went on to have the biggest salary on television.

Sounds great, right? It was.

No, really. It fuckin' was.

I did porn stars. I did drugs.

I had my own television show.

And then...

Then I did the one thing that everyone in America

really wishes they could do.

I told my boss to fuck off.

[Cheers and applause]

And then it was gone...

In one fiery public flame-out.

And it was only when the smoke cleared,

I realized just how lucky I am,

because even after all that,

I still have a family that loves me.

[Cheers and applause]

That's why they're not here tonight.

Yeah, they've-- they've seen me in jail.

They've seen me rushed to emergency rooms.

They've seen me dragged into court.

But seeing me on basic cable would kill them.

But I know-- I know that my family

will always be there for me,

so...

What I'm trying to say is that

I'm done with "the winning,"

because I've already won.

- Yeah. - Yeah.

[Cheers and applause]

This roast may be over,

but I'm Charlie sheen.

And in here-- in here burns

an eternal fire.

I just have to remember

to keep it away from a crack pipe.

I'll see you all in the next adventure.

I love you. Good night. Thank you.

[Cheers and applause]

[Rock music]

- Mike.

- Oh, he's doing it again? - Yeah.

- This motherfucker.

- Come on, Steve-O. - Don't hurt me!

- Oh!

- Shit, that just went right in his eye.

That just went right in his eye.

- Are you okay? - That went right in his eye.

- Broken nose. - Are you all right?

- Are you okay? - A broke nose.

- Oh, shit. - You broke your nose?

- I'm sorry.

- It was his fuckin' fault, dude.

It's not your fault. - We need a medic.

- I better get out of this fast. - No, no, no.

It's all good, man. - Uh, Steve-O.

- Steve-O. - Yeah.

- What the fuck? - How you feelin'?

- You're beautiful, man. - I mean, and I'm a sick guy.

- You're beautiful.

- If you're gonna have a broken nose,

that's the fucking way to get it.

- You were awesome.

- That's--Charlie, nice work, man.

You were too.

- It'll hit me later that I told Mike Tyson he can't read,

and then I'll shit myself.

- It was good--everybody was a good sport, actually.

Especially Charlie.

- We made it. We survived a roast.

- So until next time,

which will be never,

so long.

Right on.