All language subtitles for PBS Special - George Carlin, The Mark Twain Prize (2009.HDTV.SoS)

Announcer: Tonight, direct
from our nation's capitol,

it's the 11th annual Kennedy
Center Mark Twain Prize

for American humor,
celebrating the legacy

of the great Grge Carlin.

With, Richard Belzer,
Lewis Black, Margaret Cho,

Ben E. King, Denis Leary,
Bill Maher, Joan Rivers,

Garry Shandling, Jon Stewart,
Ben Stiller, and Lily Tomlin.

Ladies and gentlemen,
please welcome Bill Maher.

Bill Maher: Thank
you very much.

Oh, thank you very much.

Good evening donors, presenters,
and other East Coast Elites.

What a great day to
be an American again,

we have a president who
can speak English.

Oh my God.

There's a subject and a
predicate and a point!

We have a point!

Well, what can you say
about George Carlin

that hasn't already been argued
before the Supreme Court?

We will attempt to do justice
tonight to the king of raw truth

in a setting that requires
us to work clean,

because you know if George were
up here talking right now,

PBS would be cutting
to that bald guy who
sells the tote bags.

Here is what George Carlin said
he wanted by way of a memorial:

He said, quote, It should
be extremely informal.

And so here we all are in dark
suits at the Kennedy Center.

With lots of people
who love golf.

He also said he wanted
some great R&B music

and lots of laughs, and
we're gonna have that too.

But just think of it,
the Mark Twain Prize

at the Kennedy Center, what
an honor to be associated

with men like Twain and Kennedy.

Especially for Joan Rivers,
who knew them both.

Now, you know, today we think
of Mark Twain as an author,

but in his own lifetime
he was best known

as a public speaker,
like George Carlin.

They both gave speeches
about hating all mankind

to large and
appreciative audiences.

In fact, you could divide
Twain's and Carlin's work

into the same three stages:

The early stage:
Some people suck.

The middle stage:
Most people suck.

And the late stage: You suck.

And like Twain, George
also was an author

who wrote 4 incredibly
funny, insightful books,

all of which have been banned
from the Wasilla Library.

Oh, I kid, Sarah Palin.

And I wish her luck on her
season of Rock of Love.

George Carlin was called
America's Class Clown,

because he brought to the
stage a gleeful sense

of rebellion against authority.

Class clowns are the kids who
entertain us by acting out

and ridiculing and
generally blowing the cover

on the whole adult world.

This, of course,
was before Ritalin.

Here's the album Class Clown.

It made me so want to
be him, and still does.

And this one.

Here is FM & AM.

This is the album that showed
me you can be born one thing,

but will yourself to
become something else,

something you like better.

This album made a big
impression on me as a
fifteen year old teenager,

because side one,

and this is the days when
albums, side 1 and side 2,
this album had so.

Oh.

That's been in there since 1973.

I'm so sorry.

Boy, they had a lot of
seeds back then, didn't they?

Thank God they got rid of those.

But that was the old,
straight-laced,
skinny tie Carlin,

suit, short hair,
and side two, FM,

was the new, hippie Carlin,
t-shirt, long hair,

the kind of guy the fellow
on side one wouldn't

pick up hitchhiking, and
much dirtier material.

And that theme, that you
could reinvent yourself,

inspired me to believe that I
could do things differently,

that I could try something
new, like sex with a partner.

You know, even at the end,
in his last HBO special,

earlier this year, I remember
when I turned off the TV,

aer watching it, I was like:
damn, he is still the rabbit.

And I don't know if anybody
is ever going to catch him,

not in terms of the currency I
value the most, utter honesty.

What a giant.

What a lion.

Thank you, George, for
everything, even though

I know you can't hear me!

And thank you.

You sound like a good group.

And, ladies and gentlemen,

I want now to give you
something very special,

Jimmy Durante giving
you, George Carlin!

Jimmy Durante: Folks, it's great
to see new comedians come along

because if there's one thing
the world can always use,

you know it's a smile.

And this young fellow
is one of the best.

Ladies and gentlemen,
George Carlin.

George Carlin: Thank
you very much.

I'm sure that you're aware of
the fact that teenagers today

are the most powerful
group in the country.

First of all, there are more
of them then ever before,

and teenagers are
so much better organized

then they ever have been before.

Many of them are armed.

They even have their own radio
stations, a coast to coast

network of top 40
teenage good-guy swingin'

rompin' stompin' echo
chamber stations where all

the disc jockeys sound alike.

It's all the same
guy, he's in a jar.

Any time you turn on your
transistor, you just might

hear something like
the following.

Hi there kids, welcome to the
Willy West show here on WINO,

wonderful WINO radio.

�Wonderful WINO.�

Yeah, welcome to the
Willy West show here on

a wonderful Wednesday here
with your winner spinner

weird Willy West, winging
your way with a wonderful

101 wild and wooly wedges
of wax and cwazy wecords

to pway on the wadio.

Right here on wonderful WINO.

1750 on your dial, just
above the police call scan.

We've got stacks and
stacks of wax and wax,

we've got the pick to
click, the ones to watch,

the oldies but goodies
and ooies and gooies,

we've got the top 700
records here in the land
of wonderful WINO.

�Wonderful WINO.�

Here is a bulletin,
bulletin, bulletin.

Russia and the United
States are at war.

Missiles have been
fired by both sides.

Washington and Moscow
are in flames.

Details in 25 minutes, kids,
on Action Central News.

(singing)

Here's another
big one kids in

the wonderful world of WINO.

This one's number one and
moving higher every week,

let's give a listen.

Let's make some
dedications first,

we'll send it out for Big
Al, Red, Louie, Spike, Tutu,

Spanish Anna, Dirty Mary,
Nick the Greek, Baby,

Carlos, Junior, PeeWee, Toots,
Pablo, Spot, Greasy Creek,

Woozy, Mush, Ralph,
and Brucey.

Ralph and Brucey?

Hey kids, it's our pick
to make you sick, Jenny!

(singing)

(singing)

Bill Maher: Okay,
please welcome another

huge George Carlin fan and a
man who has earned legions

of fans of his own, Jon Stewart!

Jon Stewart: Thank you,
thank you very much.

It's an absolute
honor to be here.

I, like everyone else,
discovered Class Clown

when I was around 11 years old.

Until my friends found it,
I was the funniest kid.

When I first heard him,
he got me with two words:

cheese tits.

Cheese t---!

Who would have thought to
put those two words together?

The man was clearly a genius.

And I didn't realize
until many years later,

that everything else that I
was hearing on that album

had another level of value.

That was the brilliance to
me of what George could bring.

He would reel in 10 year
olds and 11 year olds with

great phrases like cheese
t---, I just walked all over,

cheese t---, cheese t---.

And then later on I
discovered on the same album

there was a little
bit about Mohammed Ali

that had a whole other level of
understanding about our society.

Cheese t--- was just bait.

George Carlin: I
used to be this guy,

or maybe this guy used to be me.

I don't know, we were
eachother at one time.

It wasn't long ago, I liked him,
you know, he was really good,

he was funny, I had a
lot of fun with him,

he did some nice things
for me, but it was

like there was nothing
behind him, you know.

He was kind of just
superficial, just the surface,

he was all characters,
I wasn't in there.

I found out I wasn't in my
own act after a while and

here I've been doing it for 5
years, it was all characters.

It was all other people that
I remembered from my life

and composites of
people, people like

this lady at Breckinridge
a marvelous contestant on
a quiz show,

pick a door, oh let
me see, Monty, Monty,

oh, what are the doors.

One, two, and three.

Oh wow, what was that again?

One, two, and three.

Okay three, wait,
one, no, hold on,

I didn't go yet.

Jon Stewart: Now that if
nothing else is proof

of the theory of evolution.

George Carlin's
transformation was amazing

and one of the reasons
that I'm here today is

I was fortunate enough
to be asked to host 40
years in comedy,

a night with George Carlin.

Now the idea was we were gonna
take this amazing comedian,

he'd been doing
comedy for 40 years

and had two heart attacks,
and we were gonna send him

to Aspen, Colorado, the
highest point in America,

where there is very
little oxygen.

And then we were gonna
bring in a heavy smoker

from New York to interview him.

So my job was to interview
George and I got the chance

to get to know him
a little bit beforehand,

I flew out to California to
meet him and to sit down

with him and to talk with
him and I think that's where

I learned the lesson
about George Carlin

and what he meant to comedy and
what he was like as an artist.

I didn't know what to expect.

I went over to his office
in Brentwood and I sort of

had this idea that I was
gonna watch the master create.

You know, we were gonna go
there and he'd be like,

hey man, let's go out to
the desert, I'm gonna
take some peyote,

I'm gonna get in a yurt, and
s--- gonna come to me.

And I walked into his office
and it's just a computer.

And desk.

And this incredibly
anti-establishment mind

punched in every day
and sat and worked.

He cared enough about his
comedy and about what

he was doing that every
day he punched the clock.

This was a blue collar guy,
that was the main message

that I took from him, so
when we went out to Aspen,

I was so excited, it was
the Wheeler Opera House,

about 4 stories up was
where the stage was.

George and I both had
our little oxygen tanks,

they gave us both oxygen tanks.

And so when I finally caught
up to George on the 4th floor,

he was just pacing back and
forth going over this routine

that he had written
about advertising.

It was 3 minutes of just
advertising phrases,

just one after the other,
over and over again.

And he was just going back
and forth, just rehearsing it.

Forty years in comedy and
he was still choreographing

and presenting it
and drafting it,

perfecting it.

And it was the most
inspiring thing I think

I had ever seen from a
comedian and I was kind of

trying to talk to him
right beforehand, and I said,

hey man, no oxygen up here.

I can't believe
they built a city.

And he just leaned in
and he goes, I'm gonna
tell you something.

Rich ass---- can
survive anywhere.

Here's a little bit
from the interview.

When you were a kid
growing up, you wanted to

be Danny K and Bob Hope, so
how do you think this thing

is working out so
far, looking back?

George Carlin: Well, I
knew I wanted to stand up

and, you know, and be
silly and have people say,

isn't he cute?

Isn't he cute and clever?

And that's all it was, was
a reward, a psychic reward,

you know, when you're a
kid and you find out

that you can get the
attention of adults

and approval and a
little bit of respect,

and you just hunger for it, you
just keep going back for it.

And I have, fortunately,
genetic, you know,

my little tool kit, my
genetic tool kit I was given

included a mother and father
who were very funny people,

could do accents and dialects

and tell funny stories
about what happened on
the bus that morning.

And have a punch line.

So, you don't lick it off the
rocks, they say, in Ireland.

But I thank my grandmother's
milkman, actually.

You never know where
these things come from.

Jon Stewart: It's
interesting, you know,

as I watch you now and
through all the years

I listened to your
albums and things,

your fascination with
language is so apparent.

Watching you is almost
like watching a musician,

you know, the way you
weave words and use language

for emphasis and all that.

Was that always a fascination
for you, even as a kid?

George Carlin: Well, to go
backwards with the question,

don't forget, what we do
is oratory, it's rhetoric.

It's not just comedy,
it's a form of rhetoric,

and with rhetoric you look
and you listen for rhythms,

you look for ways to sing
at the same time you're
talking and to go.

And it's just natural.

My mother was very controlling,
wanted to control my life

and was heart
broken when I began

with the dirty language.

And the awful stuff he
says about business,

she was a business, she was an
advertising executive secretary,

loved the business world.

Thought it was just the finest
thing that had ever happened.

And so when I went in
that direction at
first, very opposed.

Until one day, we lived
on the same street that

I went to school in, I went
to school on the same block

I lived on,
something like that.

Corpus Christy School
and the nuns were great.

It wasn't a typical
Catholic school.

It was an experimental
progressive school that

didn't have grades, didn't have
any sort of corporal punishment.

It was just a very,
very wonderful school.

And the nuns, she would
see the nuns on the street

and they would say, oh, we
saw George on the Tonight Show.

And she, being a bit of an
actress, she would say,

oh, it's the awful language,
sister, the awful language.

And one of them said to
her, oh, no, no, no,

you don't understand.

He's using it for
other purposes,

he's not just doing it for that.

It's kind of like part of what
he does, don't you understand

it's this and
that and so forth?

So she said, oh, well, oh.

And from that day on
she was ok with it,

because the church
had approved it.

Jon Stewart: I'm so glad I
started dying my hair gray.

Making myself look tired,
it's really smart of me.

Ladies and gentlemen, here's
Mark Twain Prize winner,

the amazing Lily Tomlin.

Lily Tomlin: Thank you all.

Well, thank you all,
thank you all a lot.

It's great to be back here
at the Kennedy Center.

After three times on this
Show, which I have been,

they make you an
honorary Kennedy.

I have always felt a
kind of a comedy kinship
with George Carlin.

And I seem to, I think,
flatter myself to think

that we somehow drank from
the same comedy fountain.

Or should I say, inhaled?

Or perhaps I shouldn't.

Before I even got
started as a comedian,

George already had a big career.

He was doing his best to
fit in, with his skinny
tie Vegas shtick,

when I got my first job
on the Gary Moore Show

doing a bare-foot tap dance.

And amazingly, this was after
Carol, much to my shock

they liked me and they cast
me on the show as The Girl.

Well, I did not like it
one bit, and I mean,

how many times could I
say, More coffee, sir?

And after that, three weeks,
they gave me the axe.

And thank Heaven.

Along came some new comedy shows
called the Smothers Brothers

and Laugh-In and it was just a
great time to be in comedy.

The world was
absolutely changing and
so was George Carlin.

He said goodbye to all
those glitzy gigs

and he said hello to a new
world where weird and good

meant the same thing.

He played college
campuses and coffee houses

and then he was there
at the birth of

this new thing called cable.

And the rest is
sort of history.

I've always loved the
short form of observation

that George called
his Braindroppings.

Let me just share
a few with you.

I'm not concerned about
all hell breaking loose.

My fear is that part of
hell will break loose.

And that'll be much
harder to detect.

You know, when you
think about it,

12:15pm is really 11:75am.

And you know what's fun?

Is to go to a German restaurant
and insist on using chopsticks.

Dear George, sir, you
were a deep thinker

and a very, very funny man.

And you know the expression,
it's not what you say,

it's how you say it?

Well, it doesn't matter
how good your material is

if you can't sell it.

And George, George's
beautiful voice always,
always closed the deal.

Watch.

George Carlin: This is
called Advertising Lullaby.

Keep in mind, of course, that
the whole purpose of advertising

is to lull you to sleep.

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service, selection,

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savings, performance,

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some items not available,

some assembly required,

some restrictions may apply.

So come on in, come on in, come
on in for a free demonstration

and a free consultation with our
friendly, professional staff.

Our experienced and
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Announcer: Ladies
and gentlemen,

please welcome Garry Shandling.

Garry Shandling:
Thank you, thank you.

A real pleasure for me
to be here tonight.

I would like to address
very personally

how George affected my life.

When I was 18 years old,
I grew up in Tucson,

Arizona, and there's
no comedy in Tucson,

there are no comedy
clubs, there are no Jews.

I was the only Jew.

Bill Ayers was at
my bar mitzvah.

I don't know what he was
doing there, I don't know

how he got in, I had
nothing to do with him.

I haven't seen him since.

I'm an electrical
engineering major

at the University of Arizona,
or as we called it,

the Harvard of Tucson.

And I decided I wanted to
take a shot at comedy writing

because I don't
like engineering

and I was kinda funny in school.

So I thought, maybe I can
put these two together somehow

and so I would sit in
class and I wrote three
George Carlin routines.

This would've been when I
was 18, 18 and a half, 19,
somewhere in there.

Didn't know how to meet George.

I saw in a newspaper that he
was appearing at a jazz club

in Phoenix which is
a two hour drive.

I got to the show an hour
early not knowing any better

and luckily I did
the right thing

and I walked into
the club and I said,

I'm looking for Mr. Carlin.

Is he around?

And they said, well, he's
sitting over there by the bar.

I walked up to him with a
wad of material and I said,

Mr. Carlin, my name
is Garry Shandling

and I go the University
of Arizona and I wrote
this material

and I was wondering
if you'd look at it.

And he said, well, I
write my own stuff.

And I said, I assumed.

And he said, but if
you'd like me to read it

and tell you what
I think, I will.

He said, come back tomorrow
night and I'll have read it.

And I thought, well sure,
now I've gotta drive

two hours back to Tucson.

So I took the chance, I
drove back two hours

and drove back two hours the
next night and he sees me

and he says, come on backstage.

And I go into the dressing
room backstage in this

kind of dingy club and there is
my material on the table,

George sits down and
he gives me notes.

He gives me notes
for 20 minutes.

I'm a kid, I'm a kid
from Tucson, Arizona
and George Carlin

sits down and gives me notes.

You understand that
that changes your life.

And you cut to about 12
years later and George

is receiving the lifetime
achievement award

and I was asked to present
that award because the family

knew about the story and
it's a really true story.

And so I got on stage
like I have tonight

and I told the whole story.

I made it longer.

And I did the whole story
and George walked up

and I gave George the award
and this is my first moment

with him, you know, that
way, and he looked at it

and he turned to the
audience and he said,

first of all, I'm sorry
for encouraging Garry

to pursue his career.

He's been nothing but a
pain in the ass ever since.

And that speaks to
the heart of the man

and unfortunately the
part that gave up.

So we miss him, we miss
him dearly, and I miss him

as you can imagine
because of that.

About 5 years later,
Saturday Night Live started,

so we want you to look
at a tape of George,

because George, a lot of
people don't remember,

was the first host of Saturday
Night Live when Lorne Michaels

was looking for a host.

Let's take a look.

Announcer: Ladies and
gentlemen, George Carlin!

George Carlin: A live show!

Wow.

Nice to see you, welcome,
and thanks for joining us live.

I'm kinda glad that wre
on at night so that we're

not competing with all the
football and baseball games.

So many, man.

And this is the time of
the year when there's both.

Football's kinda nice, they
changed it a little bit.

They moved the hash marks in.

Guys found 'em and
smoked 'em anyway.

But, you know, football
wants to be the national,

the number one sport,
national pastime,

and I think it already is.

Football represents
something we are.

We are Europe Junior.

When you get right down to
it, we're Europe Junior.

We play the Europe Game.

What was the Europe Game?

Let's take their
land away from them.

You be the pink in the
map, we'll be the blue

and they'll be the green.

Ground acquisition and
that's what football is.

Football is a ground
acquisition game.

You knock the crap out of
11 guys and take their
land away from them.

Of course, we only do
it 10 yards at a time,

that's the way we did
it with the Indians,

won by little by little.

First down and Ohio,
Midwest to go.

I think it's not surprising
that football vies,

um, let's look at it this way.

There are things about the
words surrounding football

and baseball which
give it all away.

Football is technological.

Baseball is pastoral.

Football is playing
in a stadium.

Baseball is played in a park.

In football you wear a helmet.

In baseball you wear a cap.

Football is played on an
enclosed rectangular grid

and every one of them
is the same size.

Baseball is played on an
ever widening angle that

reaches to infinity and
every park is different.

Football is rigidly timed.

Baseball has no time limit.

We don't know hen
it's gonna end.

We might even have
extra innings.

In football you get a penalty.

In baseball you make an error.

Whoops.

The object in football
is to march downfield

and penetrate enemy territory.

And get into the end zone.

In baseball, the
object is to go home.

I'm going home.

And in football they have
the clip, the hit, the block,

the tackle, the
blitz, the bomb,

the offense and the defense.

In baseball they
have the sacrifice.

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen,
please welcome Richard Belzer.

Richard Belzer: Mrs. Lincoln.

Mr Lincoln.

You know what George wanted
as his epitaph, it was,

Jheez, He was here
just a minute ago.

George Carlin is in the
rarefied pantheon of the few,

too few, really truly
great stand-up comedians.

Along with Mort Sahl,
Lenny Bruce, Dick Gregory

and Richard Pryor,
George Carlin embodied

the Swiftian, Twainish
culturally astute rapier

wit and wisdom that
every era needs.

The love of language,
the horror, ecstasy

and sublime ridiculousness
of human behavior along

with the sensibility to
synthesize psychology

and sociology into the
unique poetry of joke-telling

is the very recipe
for comic greatness.

George Carlin was ahead of
his time in many ways.

He was such a visionary
that 40 years ago

he did a parody of a show
that was yet to be created,

America's Most Wanted.

Here's a clip of George
Carlin's The FBI's Most Wanted,

including an ad for The
Justice Department.

George Carlin: Hi there, mom.

Have your civil rights
been violated today?

Has some corporate
monopoly closed down

another small merchant
in your neighborhood?

Has organized crime
corrupted another public

official in your community?

Well, we'll worry about
the small stuff later on.

Right now, let's talk
about important things

like the Commi-agitators
in our kindergartens.

Don't let your child's
Christmas pageant

be taken over by atheist pinkos.

Insist on a Nativity scene.

Remember, for anti-trust
or Commi-bust,

the department that's
just is a really a must.

Don't leave your
family defenseless.

And now, heeeeere's J. Egdar.

Richard Belzer: That was
harmless enough, right?

Wrong.

Through the courtesy of the
Freedom of Information Act,

and we're not making this up,
ladies and J-walkers,

I have in my hand
George's FBI file,

in which our lauded Justice
department does everything

in its power to protect us from
the likes of George Carlin.

A protest letter found
its way to the desk

of J. Edgar Hoover and
of course, Clyde Tolson.

If you don't know who
Clyde Tolson is,

ask your hairdresser.

And in an internal
memo, an FBI agent wrote,

and I'll just quote it,
you can read along with me:

In his performance, Carlin
referred, in his performance,

Carlin had a speech therapist
who talked, no, I'm sorry.

In his performance, Carlin
referred to the Bureau

and the Director in
a satirical vein.

His treatment was considered
to be in very poor taste

and it was obvious that he
was using the prestige

of the Bureau and Mr. Hoover
to enhance his performance.

As an example, he
commented on one occasion,

I'm J. Edgar Hoover.

I have just come back from
a stakeout with Ramsey Clark,

that is, a cookout
in the back yard.

That's pretty radical
subversive stuff,

don't you think,
ladies and gentlemen?

As you can see, George's
love of language

got him in trouble a few
times, but who cares.

His books sold in the
millions, among them,

as Lily mentioned,
Braindroppings,
Napalm & Silly Putty,

and I'm sure the Christian
Right's favorite book

of all time, When Will
Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?

George's great gift
was his precision.

Like Mark Twain, who also
couldn't be here tonight,

Twain said, The difference
between the right word

and the almost right word
is the difference between

the lightning bug
and the lightning.

Thank you, Kelly.

That's Kelly's favorite quote.

Here's a prime example of
George's take on the use

and abuse of our precious
English language, observe.

George Carlin: I don't like
words that hide the truth,

I don't like words
that conceal reality,

I don't like euphemisms
or euphemistic language.

And American English is
loaded with euphemisms

cause Americans have a lot of
trouble dealing with reality.

Americans have trouble
facing the truth.

So they invent the kind
of a soft language

to protect themselves from it.

And it gets worse with
every generation.

For some reason, it just
keeps getting worse.

I'll give you an
example of that.

There's a condition in combat,
most people know about it,

it's when a fighting
person's nervous system

has been stressed to its
absolute peak and maximum,

can't take any more input.

The nervous system has either
snapped or is about to snap.

In the first World War,
that condition was
called "shell shock".

Simple, honest, direct language.

Two syllables.

Shell shock.

Almost sounds like the
gunners themselves.

That was 70 years ago.

Then a whole
generation went by

and the second World
War came along

and the very same combat
condition was called
"battle fatigue".

Four syllables now, takes
a little longer to say.

Doesn't seem to hurt as much.

Fatigue is a nicer
word then shock.

Shell shock.

Battle fatigue.

Then we had the war
in Korea in 1950.

Madison Avenue was
riding high by that time

and the very same combat
condition was called

"operational exhaustion".

Hey, we're up to
8 syllables now.

And the humanity has been
squeezed completely out of

the phrase, it's totally
sterile now.

Operational exhaustion,
sounds like something

that might happen to your car.

Then of course came the
war in Vietnam which has

only been over for
about 16 or 17 years.

And thanks to the lies and
deceit surrounding that war,

I guess it's no surprise that
the very same condition

was called "post-traumatic
stress disorder".

Still 8 syllables, but
we've added a hyphen.

And the pain is completely
buried under jargon.

Post-traumatic
stress disorder.

I'll betcha if we'd still
been calling it shell shock,

some of those Vietnam
veterans might have gotten

the attention they
needed at the time.

I'll betcha that.

I'll betcha that.

Richard Belzer: Few
people are always funny.

But certainly one of the chosen
people is our next presenter,

the fabulous Joan Rivers,
ladies and gentlemen.

Joan Rivers: First of all,
I am so thrilled to be here

becausI'm the only one
that didn't know George.

I don't know why,
who the f--- was he?

I don't know who he was.

I don't know his
work, I'll find out.

Actually, of course I knew
George, I should read the,

I can't read the teleprompter.

Can I borrow somebody's,
do you have glasses?

That's very kind, thank you.

Age, hmm.

Walmart, hmm.

Do I look like a
Jewish elephant show?

Okay.

Anyhow, I knew George very,
very well and I was thrilled

when they asked me to come here
today and speak about him.

We met in the 1960s
in Greenwich village

and we always used to say,
let's pinpoint the date,

and we couldn't because he
was high on acid and I was
just totally wasted.

But we met and we used to
play these terrible clubs,

and those are the kinds
of clubs, literally,

where you didn't get paid,
you passed the hat.

And some nights the hat
would come back with

a severed head and some
nights it wouldn't come back.

And all we wanted in those
days, everybody wanted

to be on the Tonight Show.

The Tonight Show
made you a star.

There were three major
networks and that was it.

Nowadays, there are a
thousand networks now,

I mean, tonight I was just
flipping around, I mean

you see things like Amish wife
swapping, stuff on the stupid,

all the CSI, CSI Bayonne.

All we all wanted in those days
was to be on the Carson show

and I was around the first time
George was on the Carson show.

And the trick was, if
Carson liked you, when you

did your standup, he
would then take you over

and sit you down on the couch.

If he took you over and stood
you up, you know you were crap.

But if he sat you down,
and George was asked

to sit down the first time,
which is a big thing,

and he sat down on that show
over a hundred times after that

and that was an amazing,
amazing, amazing, amazing.

You know, we've all been
watching clips of George

and everyone knows how
brilliant he is onstage,

but do any of you realize what
a 6 minute shot on television,

what you have to do?

He honed every single
word, he worked on jokes

for years and years and years
til he made them perfect

and then he took them and he
worked on them some more.

And then he would go on
a couch and sit there

and make it look like
he just thought of it.

I mean, that is so important.

Now, at the start of this
thing, and I thank you

for your glasses by the way,
at the start of this thing,

I said they asked
me to say a couple of

words about George and I kept
thinking, that's so unfair.

You can't sum George
Carlin up in two words,

give me at least seven.

And please watch with me.

Watch George's first
appearance that I was

privileged to be a friend
of his and know him then,

first appearance on the
Tonight Show when he did

the Hippy Dippy Weatherman
which is so amazing.

And just watch.

He never missed.

Do you understand?

He never missed!

Incredible.

I thank you all so much,
I'm thrilled to be here,

and I thank you for these,
come and get 'em.

George Carlin.

George Carlin: Now for
the latest in weather,

here's Al Sleet, your
Hippy Dippy Weatherman.

Hey everybody, what's happening?

Que pasa?

Al Sleet here and I
imagine some of you were

a little surprised at the
weather over the weekend,

especially if you watched
my show Friday night, man.

I'd like to apologize for
the weather, especially

to the former residents
of Rogers, Oklahoma.

Caught them napping.

First of all, the pollen
count from Long Island
Jewish Hospital,

one two three four five.

Now if you'll take a
look at our weather map.

These cats have moved over here.

You'll see that we got a
warm front which extends

from Natchez to Mobile.

�From Memphis to St. Joe.

I've been to the big town.

And I've seen me
some bad things.�

Let's take a quick
look at the radar.

I see the radar tonight
is picking up a lot of

thundershowers which
extends from a point

9 miles south southeast of
Pennsylvania along a line

6 miles either side of the
line to a point 8 miles

north northeast of
Secaucus, New Jersey.

However, the radar is also
picking up a squadron

of Russian ICBMs, so I wouldn't
sweat the thundershowers.

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen,
please welcome Denis Leary.

Denis ary: Good
evening, how are you?

First time I met George,
I was working in

a comedy club as a door guy.

That's how poor I was, okay, I
wasn't even working the stage.

And I'm working the door
one night and in walks

George Carlin, but nobody
knows that but me

and the bartender because
everybody's facing the stage

and, of course, the
comedian on stage has

the spotlight in his eyes.

It's George Carlin.

This is in the days, by the
way, when you could smoke,

so I'm smoking.

He sits over there and I'm
kind of sneaking looks at him

and he calls me over.

And I walk over and he goes,
can I bum a cigarette?

I go, sure.

Give him the cigarette,
he lights up.

And I walk away.

George Carlin's smoking
one of my cigarettes.

A few minutes later,
he goes, hey.

I walk over.

He says, you got
another cigarette?

I go, yeah.

Give him another one.

Light it up, walk away.

This happens about
6 more times.

In between me and George
is a cigarette machine.

By the time we got to the
8th cigarette, I said,

hey George, you know, there's
a cigarette machine right there.

He goes yeah, you might
wanna buy a pack,

we're gonna need 'em.

Anyways, back in 1972,
I was an alter boy

at St. Peter's parish in
Wooster, Massachusetts

and I was pretty much
good at two things.

Pissing off nuns and
pissing off priests.

I had no idea what I was
gonna do for a living.

But thank God the Catholic
Church, once a month

in the bulletin
would put a list of

the banned books and records.

And the recommended
books and records.

Which, by the way, for us
in those days was like

a What's Hot and
What's Not list.

So one Sunday, the paperback
version of the Godfather

was listed under
the books that were not

to be read by Catholics and
Class Clown, which was one

of the things I was vying to
be in my school at the time,

and they specifically
said the seven words

you can't say on televisi.

There were 4 alter boys.

We pooled our money, left
the church after mass,

and went to the record store
and bought the record,

went to this kid's house
whose parents were away

and listened right away
to the seven words

you can't say on television.

It was at that moment that
I became an ex-Catholic,

ladies and gentlemen.

That was when I realized
you could make money for

saying stuff my dad used to say
when the car wouldn't start.

And you know, we are
still battling that issue

in the Supreme Court
almost 40 years later.

The controversy is still
alive, the seven dirty words

are still being heard before
the Supreme Court as we speak.

For instance, take the F-word.

You can't use it in
reference to a sexual act,

but if you use it as what the
law calls a passing expletive,

you can conceivably
get away with it.

Sister Rosemary Sullivan
at St. Peter's High would

have been so proud of
me for explaining that

particular distinction
this evening.

But no one can explain it
better than the master himself,

Pope George the First,
ladies and gentlemen.

George Carlin: What are these
words that I'm talking about?

They're just words
that we've decided,

sort of decided not
to use all the time.

That's about the only
thing you can really say

about them for sure.

That they're just some
words, not many either,

just a few, that
we've decided, well,

we won't use 'em all the time.

Sometimes, well, hell yeah.

Sometimes it's okay,
but not all the time.

And they're the only words that
seem to have that restriction.

I mean, there are a lot
of words you can say

whenever you want, you know.

Pneumonia!

Nobody gives you a lot of.

Alright, you can't yell it
in a hospital a great deal,

but what the hell.

There are words that you
can say, no problem.

Topography!

No one has ever gone to
jail for screaming topography.

But there are some words
that you can go to jail for.

There are just some words
that we just have decided

we will not say all the time.

Sometimes, okay.

If you're running through
the jungle chasing somebody

that we're at war with,
you can holler 'em.

If you're shooting a
criminal, it's okay,

it's the all-American thing.

Dirty f--- crook!

But if you're with the
bishop's wife at lunch,

it's better not to ask
for the ---damn lettuce.

You know what I mean.

It's just like we've decided
there'll be some words

we won't say all the
time but I was just trying

to find out which
words they were.

For sure.

All of them.

I wanted a list.

Cause nobody
gives you a list.

That's the problem, they
don't give you a list.

Wouldn't you think it'd be
normal, if they didn't want you

to say something, they'd
tell you what it is?

Nobody even tells,
you when you're a kid,

what the words are that
you're supposed to avoid.

You have to say them to find
out which ones they are.

Yeah, you never know what's
gonna be on the list.

Cause it's always
somebody else's list.

You didn't make that up.

Somebody told you that s---.

They told you,
better not say that.

And you don't know what's
gonna be on their list.

People's lists even
change from day to day.

Some people on Friday
night, got a list, you know,

about two or three words.

Sunday morning, f--- them,
there's like 27 words on there.

These are the same people,
two days later, different list.

So you gotta kinda
watch out what you're
gonna believe from them.

The trouble is, I was
trying to find out what

these words might be and
I wanted to know the ones

that you could never say
on television, I mean,

the filthy words
that are always filthy.

There are a lot of these
little two way double entendre

words that have two meanings.

Words that, okay, part of
the time, I call them

like part time filth,
some of these words,

they're only 50% dirty.

You have words like ass.

Ass is hardly even
a dirty word anymore.

But it has a few meanings that
you can't say on television.

That's what I was talking about.

What can you say on television?

That's another one of
those places where we

can't use these
words all the time.

But some of them are
alright some of the time.

Ass is alright on television.

You can say on television
things like, well,

you've made a perfect
ass of yourself tonight,

but you can't say, hey,
let's go get some a--.

Bitch.

Bitch is another word like
that, same kind of word.

It's only dirty part of
the time, it depends

on what you mean by bitch.

You might be the lady from
the San Diego Zoo visiting

one of the Tonight Shows
and you might just have

a bunch of little canines
and one is a female

and you say there's the bitch.

Drop it and it's okay, fine.

Just don't refer to the singer
the same way, that's all.

Is that bitch gonna
do another number?

Yes.

Animals are fine.

On those two way words.

That's what I was trying
to find, the words that

were always dirty, not
just part of the time.

But completely filth.

Well, in looking
for these words, I kept
finding new categories.

We have so many ways of
describing these dirty words.

Well, we have more ways to
describe dirty words then

we actually have dirty words.

That seems a little
strange to me.

It seems to indicate
that somebody was awfully

interested in these words.

They kept referring to them.

They called them bad words.

Dirty.

Filthy.

Foul.

Vile.

Vulgar.

Coarse.

In poor taste.

Unseemly.

Street talk, gutter talk,
locker room language,

barracks talk.

Bawdy, naughty, saucy, raunchy.

Rude, crude, lewd,
lascivious, indecent,

profane, obscene,
blue, off-color.

Risqu�.

Suggestive.

Cursing, cussing, swearing.

And all I could think of were
s---, p---, f---, c---, c-----,
mother f----, and t---.

Stephen Colbert: Evidently,
George Carlin is the man who

banned the seven words you
can't say on television.

A brave move which brings
us to tonight's word.

The 1970s were a
disgusting time.

Everyone's hair
was long and greasy.

People streaked naked on their
way to the next wife swapping

and an innocent president
was publicly vilified

simply for violating
the Constitution.

But evidently, the 70s
were cleaned up by a nice

young man named George Carlin.

Before Mr. Carlin famously
banned those words,

TV was a cesspool
of foul language.

Of course, we all remember
when Walter Cronkite said

the OPEC oil embargo was, quote,
"something that sucked a--."

But thanks to George
Carlin, a fearless warrior

in the fight for
censorship, there are

seven words you
will never hear on TV.

Instead, if, if TV must deal
with unpleasant subjects,

they have to use nice
substitutes for each word.

Like poop.

Tinkle.

Intercourse.

Cho-cho.

Oral enthusiast.

Father.

And, let's say dodgeballs.

Thank you George Carlin.

Thank you.

Few people have
done more to repress

what other people can say.

And most of the other
ones are Vladimir Putin.

So, folks, let us all
continue his work.

There are so many
other words that I don't
want to hear anymore,

like antiauthoritarian.

Questioning.

Rule breaking.

And Chipotle.

It's just spicy mayonnaise.

So here's to
the heroic, repressive
spirit of George Carlin.

And that's-

Jimmy: Stephen?

Stephen: What is it, Jimmy?

I'm doing The Word.

Jimmy: George Carlin
was a comedian.

He didn't ban those words.

He used them to point out
the ridiculousness

of banning words
in the first place.

Stephen: Seriously?

Jimmy: Yes.

Stephen: You mother----.

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen,
please welcome Lewis Black.

Lewis Black: I hadn't
seen that clip previously

and that they bleeped it is
really, I mean, seriously.

To bleep it here, to bleep
it over TV I kinda get.

But here?

In front of a room
filled with adults?

I was gonna try not
to be irritated tonight.

I'm gonna always be
indebted to George Carlin.

Just for the laughs alone.

And as I grew up, he's the
person who made it easier

for me to deal with the
insanity around me.

I always felt that
inherent in every laugh

George shared
was he was saying,

Hey you're not crazy, they are.

As a comic, he
was a role model.

His work gave me a direction
and something to aspire to.

There are many who
entertain, but there are

few who entertain by
challenging us.

He served as a reminder
that I could say whatever

I wanted on stage, as
long as it was funny.

And I could use
bad words because there
weren't any bad words.

He encouraged me.

While I was wondering if I
was ever going to make it

as a comic and what
"making it" actually meant.

He called me at my home and
left a message that began:

Hi, this is George Carlin.

First let me say,

there is nothing I can
do for your career.

As far as I was concerned,
the fact that George Carlin,

whom I never met called me
at home, made my career.

I played his message for my
mother over and over and over.

And that shut her up.

George's mastery of the
English language was stunning.

There are few, let alone
comics, who use the language

with such exquisite
precision as he did.

He raised the
level of our craft.

And by being so meticulous,
he makes us laugh

while raising our
consciousness.

He was funny.

God, I want to say that
word, that f word

that goes so well with funny.

But I can't say that
really bad word.

Certainly not on a show
honoring George Carlin.

No way.

Because if I said that
word, the tenuous fabric

that holds our society together
would be ripped asunder.

Oh no, he said that
horrible word.

I can't take it!

Millions would commit
suicide, bashing their heads

through their TV screens.

Young boys and girls would
be forever rendered mute.

Drenched in the
shame of it all,

the sun would never rise again.

Aw, f--- it, George.

Without your
presence among us,

the world is a less funny place.

Which really sucks.

George cast a cold hard
eye on the world around him

and drew humor out of
subjects that few attempt

to make light of.

Like Death for instance.

Take it away Mr. Carlin.

Smothers Brothers: Some of
the people I really admire

and are not seen enough,
I think, on television

are Lily Tomlin, Richie
Pryor, David Steinberg.

Well this next one, George
Carlin, I like to see a lot

because he's really
creative and really unique

and toggles your brain.

He's number 4 on my
list and moving up.

Please welcome to the
stage, Mr. George Carlin.

George Carlin: Thank you.

Do you ever look at the
crowds in old movies

and wonder if they're dead yet?

I do that.

I think about death.

I dare to think about death.

I think a comedian has
to think about death.

Nobody wants to come
out here and die.

Of course, if you don't
die, if you do well,

if you make 'em laugh, then
you can say, 'you killed 'em!'

So it's one or the other,
either I die or I kill you.

I didn't die, I killed them.

So I'm involved in death and I
think we should think about it.

Death is inevitable
for one thing.

It's one of the fairest
things we have,

everybody gets it once.

And I think when you die,
you should die big.

I don't think you
should just pass away.

Such a negative thing.

Die big, die in style,

take advantage of the moment of
death to teach and entertain.

Like I say, go out in
style, now the only reason

I imply that you have a
choice about how to go out

is a very little known and
misunderstood portion of death

called the two minute warning.

Everyone receives an
audible signal two minutes

before they die, right
in the ear, 'Two minutes,

death coming, make plans.'

And the reason we
never hear about it

is cause the only people that
get it die two minutes later.

They don't have time
to explain it to you.

And actually,
you wouldn't believe it,

no one believes it.

I mean, would you believe
a guy on the bus who says,

'Hey, I just got my
two minute warning.'

I'd think it was some football
coach out on the town.

By the way,
there's one exception to
the two minute warning.

We people in theater,
those in show business,

we do get five minutes.

Five minutes, Mr. Carlin.

And I say you can use the
time to really go out in style.

Let's say, let's say a speech.

How about a speech, you
get your two minute warning.

Use the two minutes,
deliver a one minute

and fifty second speech on
the subject of your choice.

Just wail, something
you really enjoy,

something you're into
and espouse it fervently
and really build up

to a great crescendo
and then say, if this

is not the truth, may
God strike me dead.

Announcer: Ladies
and gentlemen,

please welcome Margaret Cho.

Margaret Cho: When I first saw
George do A Place For My Stuff,

it changed my life.

I was just a kid, and it
impressed me so much,

it made me want
to be a comedian.

And it made me realize
that I could do it.

I am not sure what it was,
but I think there was like

this mathematical
precision to it,

and that's what I connected
with, the math part!

So here is the master himself,
from Comic Relief 1986.

Take it away, George.

George Carlin: Listen,
I woulda been out here

a little bit sooner but they
gave me the wrong dressing room

and I couldn't find any
place to put my stuff.

And I don't know how
you are, but I need a
place to put my stuff.

So that's what I've
been doing back there,

just trying to find
a place for my stuff.

You know how important that is.

That's the whole, that's the
whole meaning of life, isn't it?

Trying to find a
place for your stuff.

That's all your house is.

Your house is just
a place for your stuff.

If you didn't have
to much damn stuff,

you wouldn't need a house.

You'd be just walking
around all the time.

That's all your house
is, it's a pile of stuff
with a cover on it.

You see that when you
take off in an airplane,

you look down and you see
everybody's got a little

pile of stuff, everybody's
got their own pile of stuff.

And when you leave your
stuff, you gotta lock it up.

Wouldn't want somebody to come
by and take some of your stuff.

They always take the good stuff.

They don't bother with
that crap you're saving.

Ain't nobody interested in your
fourth grade arithmetic papers.

They're looking
for the good stuff.

That's all your house is,
it's a place to keep your stuff

while you go out and
get more stuff.

Now sometimes, sometimes
you've gotta move,

you've gotta get a bigger house.

Why?

Too much stuff.

You've gotta move
all your stuff.

And maybe put some
of your stuff in storage.

Now imagine that, there's
a whole industry based on

keeping an eye on your stuff.

Enough about your stuff, let's
talk about other people's stuff.

Did you ever notice when you
go to somebody else's house,

you never quite
feel 100% at home?

You know why?

No room for your stuff.

Somebody else's stuff
is all over the place.

And what awful stuff it is.

Where did they get this stuff?

And if you have to stay
overnight at someone's house,

yoknow, unexpectedly
and they give you
a little room to sleep in

Someone died in it 11 years ago.

And they haven't
moved any of his stuff.

Or wherever they give you
to sleep, usually right

near theed there's a
dresser and there's never

any room on the dresser
for your stuff.

Someone else's
s--- is on the dresser.

Have you noticed that
their stuff is s---

and your s--- is stuff?

Get that off of there.

Now sometimes you go on
vacation, you gotta bring

some of your stuff with you.

You can't bring all your stuff.

Just the stuff you really like.

The stuff that fits
you well that month.

Let's say you're gonna go
to Honolulu, you're gonna

go all the way to
Honolulu, you gotta take

two big bags of stuff,
plus your carry on stuff,

plus the stuff in your pockets.

You get all the way to
Honolulu and you get to

your hotel room and you
start to put away your stuff.

That's the first thing you
do in a hotel room,

is put away your stuff.

And I'll put some stuff in
here, put some stuff down there,

here's another place,
some stuff here,

I'll put me stuff over there.

You put your stuff over there,
I'll put my stuff over here.

Here's another
place for the stuff.

Hey, we've got more places
then we've got stuff,

we're gonna have
to buy more stuff.

Margaret Cho: Although
I've known that routine

for 25 years, I never
thought there was

a real place where George
actually kept real stuff.

But there is.

There is a sacred comedy ground,

a 10 by 20 storage
unit in West LA.

And this cut out of pre-hippie
George is from there.

And all these signs, all
relating to show biz,

things that he boosted
whenever he was on the road.

And that's just the
tip of the iceberg.

There's family photos,
lots of pictures

from New York when he was a kid.

All of the scripts from
his specials bound in leather,

notes from his routines,
notebooks of observations.

Thousands of books and records.

This guy never
threw anything out!

He had a huge music collection.

How about this?

Ed Sanders
Beer Cans On The Moon?

And this, The Communists
are Coming To Kill Us

by John Trubee and the
Ugly Janitors of America.

And this demure damsel
is Brooklyn stripper

Tammy Temptation &
her Terrific Terrier.

Now, if you're a book
lover, and certainly

George was Mr. Language,
who wouldn't want to be

without the timeless Skin
Flutes and Velvet Gloves.

Hey the skin flute.

I play that!

Actually, I was
a child prodigy.

And we have a real Irish
Shillelagh, which is like

numchucks for white people.

And then this which
is my favorite.

I don't know if you can see it.

I thought it said Gone Fisting.

So that's a little bit of
George's real life stuff,

and for me it is really like
seeing comedy come alive.

Thanks George for
all your stuff.

George Carlin: 1954,
Marvin and Johnny had this,

it was the other
side of Tick Tock.

Tick Tock was the chart
tune and this was

the one we danced
to, Cherry Pie.

And I'm gonna just
do it for you.

You know what I mean?

�Cherry, Cherry pie

Cherry, Cherry pie

Cherry, Cherry pie

Ooh, so good

Oh baby

Baby, sugar plum

Sugar, sugar plum

Sugar, sugar plum

Sweet as they come

I'm little Jack Horner
just sitting in that corner

Oh he s eating his cherry,
cherry, cherry, cherry pie

Only I didn't
put in a thumb

and then pull out a plum

So I guess I'm
not as great as he,

well, well,
well, well, well

Give me, give me some

Give me, give me some

Give me, give me some

Cherry cherry pie

Oh baby

Cherry cherry pie

Oh baby

Cherry cherry pie

Oh baby

Cherry cherry pie�

Announcer: Once again, the
Creator, and star of Religulous,

Bill Maher.

Bill Maher: Thank you.

I get it, that's very funny.

You know, a long time ago,
I used to do a joke in my act

and the joke was,
suicide is our way of

saying to God, You
can't fire me, I quit!

Pretty good, but George
Carlin inspired me to do

a more honest kind of joke
about religion, one that

didn't even pretend that
there were personal gods

with suspiciously human
characteristics.

Jokes that didn't apologize
for being rational.

Jokes that said, I'm not
the crazy one, the crazy people

are the ones who think Jesus
gave pony rides on dinosaurs,

they're the crazy ones.

George died at a hospital named
after a saint, Saint John's,

in a town named after
a saint, Santa Monica.

I think he would have thought
that was pretty funny.

George Carlin: The
Ten Commandments.

Here is my problem.

Why are there 10?

I'm gonna show you
how you can reduce the
number of commandments

and come up
with a list that's

a little more
workable and logical.

I'm gonna start with the
first three and I'll use

the Roman Catholic version
because those are the ones

I was taught as a little boy:

I AM THE LORD THY GOD,

THOU SHALT NOT HAVE
STRANGE GODS BEFORE ME.

THOU SHALT NOT TAKE THE NAME
OF THE LORD THY GOD IN VAIN.

THOU SHALT KEEP
HOLY THE SABBATH.

Right off the bat, the
first three, pure bulls---.

Sabbath, Sabbath day?

Lord's name?

Strange gods?

Spooky language.

Spooky language!

Designed to scare and
control primitive people.

In no way does superstitious
nonsense like this apply

to the lives
of intelligent civilized
humans in the 21st century.

You throw out the first
three commandments,

you're down to 7.

Next: HONOR THY
FATHER AND MOTHER.

Obedience, respect
for authority.

Just another name for
controlling people.

The truth is, obedience and
respect should not be automatic.

They should be earned.

They should be based on
the parent's performance.

Parent's performance.

Alright?

Some parents deserve respect,
most of them don't, period.

You're down to six.

Now in the interest of
logic, something religion

is very uncomfortable
with, we're going to

jump around the
list a little bit.

THOU SHALT NOT STEAL.

THOU SHALT NOT
BEAR FALSE WITNESS.

Stealing and lying.

Well actually, these two
both prohibit the same

kind of behavior, dishonesty.

Stealing and lying.

So you don't need two of them.

Instead, you combine
them and you call it

"thou shalt not be dishonest".

And suddenly you're down to 5.

And as long as we're combining,

I have two others
that belong together:

THOU SHALT NOT COMMITDULTRY.

THOU SHALT NOT COVET
THY NEIGHBOR'S WIFE.

Once again, these two prohibit
the same kind of behavior.

In this case,
marital infidelity.

The difference is, coveting
takes place in the mind.

And I don't think you
should outlaw fantasizing

about someone else's wife,
otheise what's a guy

gonna think about when
he's waxing his carrot?

But, marital fidelity is a
good idea so we're gonna

keep the idea and call this one
"thou shalt not be unfaithful".

And suddenly we're down to four.

But when you think about
it, honesty and fidelity

are really part of the
same overall value so,

in truth, you could combine
the two honesty commandments

with the two
delity commandments

and give them simpler
language, positive language

instead of negative and
call the whole thing

"thou shalt always be
honest and faithful"

and we're down to 3.

Thou shalt, thou shalt.

They're going away,
they're going away fast.

THOU SHALT NOT COVET
THY NEIGHBOR'S GOODS.

This one is just
plain f---- stupid.

Coveting your neighbor's goods
is what keeps the economy going!

Alright?

Coveting creates jobs,
leave it alone.

You throw out coveting and
you're down to 2 now,

the big honesty and fidelity
commandment and the one

we haven't talked about yet:

THOU SHALT NOT KILL.

Murder.

The fifth commandment.

But when you think about it,
when you think about it,

religion has never really
had a big problem with murder.

Not really.

More people have been
killed in the name of god

than for any other reason.

All you have to do.

Uh huh.

All you have to do is
look at Northern Ireland,

the Middle East, Cashmire,
the Inquisition, the Crusades,

and the World Trade Center
to see how seriously

the religious folks take
thou shalt not kill.

The more devout they are,
the more they see murder

as being negotiable.

It's negotiable, you know?

It depends, it depends.

It depends on who's
doin the killin' and
who's gettin' killed.

So, with all of this
in mind, I leave you

with my revised list of
the two commandments:

Thou shalt always be
honest and faithful

to the provider of thy nookie.

And thou shalt try real
hard not to kill anyone,

unless of course, they pray to
a different invisible man

from the one you pray to.

Two is all you need;

Moses could have carried
them down the hill

in his f---- pocket.

And if they had a list
like that, I wouldn't mind

those folks in Alabama putting
it up on the courthouse wall,

as long as they included
one additional commandment:

Thou shalt keep thy
religion to thyself.

Thank you, thank you.

Thank you everybody.

Announcer: Ladies and
gentlemen, please welcome

the Chairman of the
Board of Trustees

of the John F. Kennedy Center
for the Performing Arts,

Stephen Schwarzman.

Stephen Schwarzman: When George
heard he was getting the Twain,

he began to work on
his acceptance speech.

His daughter Kelly found
some of his notes.

Okay, I am reading from
George's notes here.

It says: Twain Event,
underlined and then, quote

Henry David Thoreau
once said, Beware of all

enterprises that
require new clothes.

And now, this is George
talking, I must admit

this is the first time
I have worn this suit.

I was saving it for any
possible court appearances.'

If it's true when they say
Bob Dylan is the voice

of a generation, George is
truly its comic conscience.

In his own way, like
Twain, underneath it all

he is a moralist, as stern as
the nuns in his catechism class.

Ladies and gentlemen the
winner of the Kennedy Center

Mark Twain Prize
for American Humor,

the immortal George Carlin.

George Caain: Wow.

Thank you very much.

Thank you.

I'm a modern man, a man
for the millennium.

Digital and smoke free.

A diversified
multi-cultural,

post-modern deconstruction
that is politically,

anatomically and
ecologically incorrect.

I've been up linked
and downloaded,

I've been inputted and
outsourced, I know the
upside of downsizing,

I know the downside
of upgrading.

I'm a high-tech low-life.

A cutting edge, state-of-the-art
bi-coastal multi-tasker

and I can give you a
gigabyte in a nanosecond!

I'm new wave, but
I'm old school

and my inner child
is outward bound.

I'm a hot-wired, heat seeking,
warm-hearted cool customer,

voice activated
and bio-degradable.

I interface with my database,
my database is in cyberspace,

so I'm interactive,
I'm hyperactive

and from time to time
I'm radioactive.

Behind the eight ball,
ahead of the curve,

ridin' the wave, dodgin' the
bullet and pushin' the envelope.

I'm on-point, on-task,
on-message and off drugs.

I've got no need
for coke and speed.

I've got no urge to
binge and purge.

I'm in-the-moment,
on-the-edge, over-the-top

but under-the-radar.

A high-concept, low-profile,

medium-range
ballistic missionary.

A street-wise smart bomb.

A top-gun bottom feeder.

I wear power ties, I tell
power lies, I take power naps

and run victory laps.

I'm a totally ongoing
big-foot, slam-dunk,

rainmaker with a
pro-active outreach.

A raging workaholic.

A working rageaholic.

Out of rehab and in denial!

I've got a personal trainer,
a personal shopper,

a personal assistant
and a personal agenda.

You can't shut me up.

You can't dumb me down because
I'm tireless and I'm wireless,

I'm an alpha
male on beta-blockers.

I'm a non-believer
and an over-achiever,

laid-back but fashion-forward.

Up-front, down-home,
low-rent, high-maintenance.

Super-sized, long-lasting,
high-definition,

fast-acting, oven-ready
and built-to-last!

I'm a hands-on, foot-loose,
knee-jerk head case,

prematurely post-traumatic

and I've got a love-child
that sends me hate mail.

But I'm feeling, I'm caring,
I'm healing, I'm sharing.

A supportive, bonding,
nurturing primary care-giver.

My output is down,
but my income is up.

I took a short position
on the long bond

and my revenue stream
has its own cash-flow.

I read junk mail, I eat
junk food, I buy junk bonds

and I watch trash sports!

I'm gender specific,
capital intensive,

user-friendly and
lactose intolerant.

I like rough sex.

I like rough sex.

I like tough love.

I use the "F" word in my
emails and the software

on my hard-drive is
hardcore, no soft porn.

I bought a microwave
at a mini-mall;

I bought a mini-van
at a mega-store.

I eat fast-food
in the slow lane.

I'm toll-free, bite-sized,
ready-to-wear

and I come in all sizes.

A fully-equipped,
factory-authorized,

hospital-tested,
clinically-proven,

scientifically-formulated
medical miracle.

I've been pre-wash,
pre-cooked, pre-heated,

pre-screened,
pre-approved,

pre-packaged, post-dated,
freeze-dried,

double-wrapped,
vacuum-packed and,

I have an unlimited
broadband capacity.

I'm a rude dude, but
I'm the real deal.

Lean and mean!

Cocked, locked and
ready-to-rock.

Rough, tough and hard to bluff.

I take it slow, I go with the
flow, I ride with the tide.

I've got glide in my stride.

Drivin' and movin',
sailin' and spinin',

jiving and groovin',
wailin' and winnin'.

I don't snooze, so I don't lose.

I keep the pedal to the metal
and the rubber on the road.

I party hearty and lunch
time is crunch time.

I'm hangin' in, there
ain't no doubt

and I'm hangin' tough,
over and out!

Jon Stewart: Just the most
amazing mind that man had.

Just amazing.

Right now, let's give it
up for one of George's

all time favorite songs by
the wonderful Ben E. King.

Ben E. King: �When
the night Has come

And the land is dark

And the moon Is the only

Light we'll see

And no I won't be afraid

No I won't be afraid

Just as long As you stand

Stand by me

And darlin', darlin'
stand by me

Oh stand By me

Oh stand

Stand by me

Stand by me

Stand by me

If the sky that we look upon

Should tumble and fall

Or the mountains Should
crumble to the sea

I won't cry

I won't cry

I won't shed a tear

Just as long As you stand

Stand by me

And darlin', darlin',
stand By me

Oh stand By me

Oh stand

Stand by me

Stand by me

Stand by me�

Narrator: To learn more
about this year's recipient

of the Kennedy
Center's Mark Twain Prize

as well as more about the
history of the award

and its past recipients,
you can find it at pbs.org.

Ben E. King: �Stand by me

Oh stand By me

Oh stand

Stand by me

Stand by me

Stand by me

Stand by me

Stand by me

Everybody clap your hands

Stand by me

Oh darling, darling,
darling, darling

Stand by me

Stand by me

Stand by me

Stand by me