All language subtitles for Mom S07E05 Fake Bacon and a Plan to Kill All of Us - fiveofseven

You know, we make a big deal around here

when we've been sober for three months.

I just want to say I've been
in a committed relationship

for three months. Where's my chip?

Really? She wants a
boyfriend and a chip?

I'm just enjoying that she's
missing a button on her blouse.

JILL: I mean, it's going so well

it's making me nervous.

We do have our problems.

Andy's a cop, so watching police shows

has become incredibly annoying.

He's all, "That's not
how we search somebody.

No cop I know can run for five
blocks, then jump a fence."

And then my alcoholic
brain starts thinking,

"Is this the thing that's gonna
make me have to break up with him?"

'Cause it's got to be something.

So I call Marjorie,

and she says I should
just focus on the fact

that I'm in a healthy relationship

with a good man who's crazy about me.

If anybody knows how
the hell to do that,

talk to me after. Thanks.

(applause)

Who else would like to share?

Mary. Hi, I'm Mary,
and I'm an alcoholic.

Hello, Mary.

MARY: I had hoped the autumn winds

would bring a little change in my life.

Instead, I'm just sad and chilly.

This program has really
helped me get my life together.

I wish my family would follow my lead.

I have to call my daughter by 8:00 a.m.,

otherwise she's too drunk
to carry on a conversation.

And my grandson Todd got arrested again.

For stealing a car this time.

At least he's thinking bigger.

But I don't have money for bail,

let alone a lawyer.

You know, in the past,

I'd be all worked up over that.

But now I trust that my
higher power has a plan.

(laughs): So no need to worry.

God's got his eye on Mary. Thank you.

- (applause)
- Hi. Bonnie, alcoholic.

- Sorry, that's all the time we have.
- What?

ALL: God, grant me the serenity...

Don't worry, I'm totally
okay with the fact

that you hogged all the time.

Mom!

And the wisdom to know the difference.

- Hi. I'm Bonnie, and I'm an alcoholic.
- What are you doing?

I had a rough morning,
and I'm not leaving

until you people hear about it.

Nothing triggers me more
than when people blame me

for something that I didn't do.

So I'm at the grocery store,
and I pick up one lime,

and it starts a lime avalanche.

And then the produce guy looks at me

like I should pick them up.

I don't work there. I didn't build

the structurally unsound lime pyramid.

Hey, Mary, wake it up.
I'm telling my story.

Mary. Oh, my God!

Mary, are you all right?

Marjorie, call 911.

♪♪

I should have been able
to do more to help her.

I mean, I'm a nurse, for God's sake.

She had an aneurism, there's
nothing you could have done.

Maybe we should all find
peace in the fact that

Mary passed away sober
and surrounded by friends

who cared about her.

(slurping loudly)

Sorry, this is my first
sober person death, and I...

I didn't realize how festive

a strawberry milkshake would look.

I can't believe how sudden it was.

Why am I so sad? I barely knew her.

Maybe that's why.

I barely knew her, and now I never will.

Mary's last moment on this earth

was me being mean to her.

I'm a horrible person.

Nothing?

No comfort from anyone?

Mary knew not to take
what you said personally.

She probably just tuned you
out, like the rest of us do.

You open your mouth, and all
I hear is an air conditioner.

That's the comfort I was
looking for. Thank you.

You know, her share today
was the most positive

I've ever heard her.

Yeah, because she thought
God had a plan for her.

And he did. He was gonna kill her.

I don't think that's how it works.

You know, when you think about it,

God has a plan to kill all of us.

It's just a matter of where and when.

(slurping loudly)

And how. Also how.

(slurping)

Hey, what are you doing up?

Well, I had coffee too late in the day,

and also, our friend died suddenly.

That led to questioning
God's plan for me,

and whether I should trust this guy.

Really? You used to buy drugs

from a guy without a nose,

but you're running a
background check on God?

I'm just trying to make
sense out of Mary's death.

And I'm-I'm thinking that, you know,

maybe I can help her
grandson out with his case.

Wait, this is the same
grandson who robbed us?

Maybe after that, you can
take a Nazi to Disneyland.

Please go back to bed.

No. I'll just lie
there beating myself up

for being a jerk to Mary.

I wish I could apologize.

You can.

Like talking to the dead?

I only 80% believe in that stuff.

Unless you move this
glass right now, Mary!

Yeah, now I'm at 75.

- I'm talking about a living amends.
- Never heard of it.

Really? Because people share about it

all the time at meetings.

Honey, I listen to you,
Tammy and sometimes Jill,

if she's wearing a bright color.

It's a thing where if you can't

make a direct amends to
the person you harmed,

you take a kinder attitude
with everyone else.

What, I was mean to Mary,

so now I got to be nice
to a bunch of randos?

Or just people you know. Or live with.

Ugh, let me try talking to Mary first.

Mary, I am sorry for being rude to you.

If we're good, I'm gonna
need you to move this glass.

She says we're good,
and I can stay mean.

Mary, are you gonna haunt my mother

if she's not nice to everyone else?

Ooh, she's here.

- VERONICA: Christy!
- I'm here.

- Christy!
- I'm here.

- Christy!
- I'm here.

Oh. Good morning.

I'm working from the floor today.

Okay. Here's your smoothie.

You'll need to hold it up to my mouth.

Don't look at me when you do it.

It'll make me feel vulnerable.

No, that's my eye. Find my mouth.

Ah.

Are you all right?

I am not. Last night,
while under the influence

of a particularly
zippy strain of sativa,

my Tinder date and I made
the ill-advised decision

to tape folders to our feet
and ski down the stairs.

We terrified my dog,
and I tweaked my back.

Then we had sex and I destroyed my back.

Oh! Oh! Spasm. Help me up!

- Ow.
- Sorry.

- Ow.
- Sorry.

- Ow. Oh!
- Sorry.

That feels good. Stay right there.

Ah.

While I have you, can
I ask a quick favor?

Well played.

I'm-I'm trying to help
out a friend's grandson

who just got arrested.

Do you know a criminal
lawyer who might be able

to handle it pro Bono?

- I'll do it.
- You will?

All of the partners are
required to do pro Bono work.

This is a great opportunity
for you to do mine.

I'm still in law school.

You think I'm ready
to handle my own case?

Oh, God, no. I just don't
care how this turns out.

So, is this the rest of my day?

Yep. Stop moving my
head with your boobs.

What are you doing?

Well, I was gonna sit
there, but then I realized

that's where Mary sat,

and I didn't want to sit on her spirit.

Like I did when she was alive.

Again, nothing?

Look, I admit I did not treat her well,

but I'm trying to make up for it.

To that end, I think we
should leave this chair empty

to honor Mary.

Oh, Mary would love that.

I'm barely holding it together.
Can we not talk about Mary?

Speaking of Mary,

I called her daughter, and she said

they're not planning to have a memorial.

Oh, that's a shame.

It is. So I'm gonna throw one.

My way of getting to
know her a little better.

That is such a loving
and kind thing to do.

- Are you being mean?
- I'm being sincere.

Yeah. Still can't tell.

This Mary thing's
really scrambled my eggs.

I mean, I know she was way
older than the rest of us...

I think she was a couple
years younger than Marjorie.

- What?!
- Yup.

It's not just Marjorie's
clothes that make her old,

it's actual time.

Sorry. New to nice.

I've never thought about this,

but Marjorie could go at any minute.

Oh, yeah, she's definitely next.

Damn it.

Just knock on the door when you're done.

Thank you.

Hello, Mr. Davis.

My friends call me Stink.

Well, how about we split the difference

and call you Todd?

My name is Christy Plunkett,

and I am here to offer
you legal representation.

You're a lawyer?

Not yet, but I work
for a really mean one,

which sucks for me but
could be great for you.

I was also a friend of your grandma's.

I'm very sorry for your loss.

Thanks. You know who's getting her TV?

I don't.

As my sort of lawyer,
could you find out?

Sure.

Oh, I also want her microwave.

It's got a button with
a popcorn picture on it.

There's one for a potato, too,
but it doesn't work as good.

You know, I was there
when your grandmother died.

She loved you so much.

In fact, her last words were about you.

That's nice. Hey, can I have your bra?

Nothing weird. I'm just
gonna sell it to a guy.

He'll probably do
something weird with it.

You know what? I am
gonna call you Stink.

Hey, Veronica, do you have a minute... ?

Oh, that's new.

It just got delivered.

I'm hoping to do three to
four miles per conference call.

So you're feeling better?

Either that, or I'm super high
on painkillers. Maybe both.

Anyway, I went to the
jail and interviewed Todd.

Ah. Interval training.

Just keep going.

I'm talking to you and myself.

I don't think we should
represent this guy.

He's definitely guilty
and a total scumbag.

Ugh, this thing wants me
to climb a mountain now?

Christy, take over until
it flattens out again.

- I don't see how that would...
- Take over!

(sighs)

Christy...

people who need lawyers

tend to be people who make bad choices.

So, do we judge bad choices?

No, we love bad choices,

because they pay for our
shoes and food and vacations.

Do you like shoes and
food and vacations?

Not these shoes, not right now.

It's just, I know he's gonna
get out and steal again,

I can just tell.

Well, look, in our justice
system, everyone is entitled

to a competent defense...
That's the bottom line.

If you don't believe in that,
you shouldn't be a lawyer.

Yeah, you're right.

Ooh! It's leveling again.

- Your turn.
- Nope, I got to pee.

Keep it going.

I said keep it going!

(moans)

And who has the BLT and fries?

That's me.

A BLT and fries?

Why don't you just vape on a scooter

while not being vaccinated?

It's turkey bacon.

Liar. That's real bacon.

No, it's turkey.

Seriously? This is delicious.

Fake bacon's come a long way.

Next time, perhaps you
should think about trusting

our friend Marjorie.

Thank you, Bonnie.

I appreciate your new attitude.

Good 'cause it's about as comfortable

as passing a kidney stone.

Yay, Christy's here.

I know that came out
phony, but I meant it.

How did court go?

(exhales) It was a disaster.

Oh. You'll win next time, sweetie.

No, we won.

A man who prefers to be called Stink

is now back on the streets.

Clearly, God's plan for me
is to be a terrible person

who sets other terrible people free.

Well, do you think he's gonna come

to his grandmother's memorial?

'Cause that'll change the
head count for the caterers.

Nothing is worse than
running out of crab legs.

What about dying?

Crab legs? You're really going all out.

Everybody deserves a big
party when they're dead.

This could be my new career.
Dead people party planner.

(chuckles)

I love that for you.

I mean, you should work
on the name, but yeah.

You being mean?

I don't even know anymore.

Other than Todd contaminating
the chocolate fountain,

this is just beautiful, Jill.

I know. It's perfect.

It's just, I put this whole
thing together for Mary,

but I didn't know her at all,

so I picked all the things I like

and now I feel like
I'm at my own funeral.

It's okay. You're still alive.

See? Not your picture.

Yeah, well, I can't
go through this again.

Since most of y'all
are gonna die before me,

I need to know your favorite
flower, hors d'oeuvres and song.

Daffodil, corn nuts, and
"Poison" by Bell Biv DeVoe.

Mm. It's your funeral.

(gasps) That could be
the name of my company.

Hold on, where's Wendy?

Did you notice I noticed
that all by myself?

This is working.

I haven't seen her all week.

And she didn't respond to the e-vite.

I'm gonna call her. Does
anyone know her number?

(gasps) My God. Marjorie.

- Marjorie!
- What?

What? (sighs)

I thought you were dead.

I was praying.

It's a very similar look.

Yesterday you thought I was
dead because I took a nap.

This morning you thought
I was dead because I didn't

"make enough noise in the shower."

Again, I'm sorry for barging
in, and I will rehang the door.

Sit down.

Tammy, someday I'm gonna die,

but I'm not gonna spend
my life worrying about it.

I know, that's my job.

No, it's not.

Look, I get that you're doing
this 'cause you care about me,

but if you don't stop, you're
gonna die way before I do.

Are you threatening me?

Mess with my bacon again and find out.

(sighs) What are you doing here?

Even though you're a nurse,

you are not responsible
for Mary's death.

I know.

Then what's going on?

Why aren't you at her memorial?

I just didn't feel like going.

Well, no one ever feels like it.

"Oh, it's a sunny day, maybe we
should have a picnic in the park

and then catch a funeral."

Come on. Get dressed, you're going.

I really don't want to.

Your friends are there.

- Yeah, right.
- What's that supposed to mean?

- All my "friends"?
- Yes, your friends,

the people you see every day.

You mean the people who don't know me

any better than they knew Mary?

That's not true. We know you.

Where am I from?

(scoffs)

The United States of America.

Florida.

We've been friends for five years,

you don't even know I'm from Florida.

We've been friends for five years?

See?

Fine, two can play at
this game. Where am I from?

You were born in Bakersfield.

Your mother abandoned you at a firehouse

in Fresno when you were four.

And then you lived at 12
different foster homes.

Well, my story is very memorable,

especially the way I tell it.

Did you know I have two moms?

And that was before it was cool.

Y-You do?

We lived on a houseboat in the Keys.

Well, that's fascinating.

I told you that a hundred times,

but no one listens to me.

Sometimes I think you
just keep me around

because you feel sorry for me.

Okay. Okay, let's blow out
the candles on this pity party.

You are a huge part of this group.

- I am not.
- Come on, when I relapsed,

you never left my side
while I was detoxing.

Even after I took a swing at you.

You're loyal and kind and
you show up for everyone,

no matter what.

And yes, it's true, I don't know a lot

about your lesbian seafaring upbringing.

But I do love you.

And it's on me that you don't know that.

Oh. Where have you been?

- You missed the whole thing.
- I went to pick up Wendy.

She's part of our group
and she should be here.

- Yeah, since Mary died, I've...
- Jill's eulogy was fantastic.

- She made it all about herself.
- Hey.

You interrupted Wendy. Wendy, go.

Since Mary died, I've just been down.

I snapped at my daughter for that?

I'm willing to shine
the spotlight on you,

but give us a show.

Come on, let's hit the pastry tower.

- Hey. Christy, right?
- Yeah.

I'm Mary's daughter Angela.

I just want to say thank you
for what you did for my son.

Actually, I did it for your mom.

You know, she always saying
how nice her AA friends were,

and, um, I thought that she
was just trying to get me to go.

And I did go a couple of
times, I thought it was lame.

Then, you know,

seeing how you guys all
just showed up for her here

and threw this nice thing,

it kind of made me think
that maybe I could, um,

uh, try it again.

Well, I'd be happy to take you to
a meeting sometime if you want.

I would appreciate that.

I want to get my cell phone
so I can get your number

Okay.

Look at that.

You did have a plan.

- Jill, do you have a white Range Rover?
- Yeah.

Any chance Todd has
a white Range Rover?

No.

Then I think Todd took
your white Range Rover.