Original subtitles

What?

(chuckling): It feels different, doesn't it?

Breakfast?

This. You, me, us. Married. Different.

Not really. We've basically been living together

for a couple of years.

This little piece of paper right here...

makes it different.

That's the gas bill.

I know that. It was symbolic.

Oh, let me guess-- you already lost the marriage certificate.

The point is it's different.

Aw. This feels different.

See?

You know what?

Maybe you guys are right.

Maybe it is different.

Maybe everything is different.

Hold on.

Nope.

Aw. You crack me up, Dad.

We can keep it Adam.

-Poppy? -Adam.

-Pop Pop? -Stop stop.

Listen, I'm down a couple of waitresses tonight,

any chance you can help me out?

Mmm... It's my one night off

and I'm behind on my reading for law school.

What if I put Pop Pop back on the table?

Wow.

Toying with the emotions of someone

who always wanted a father.

Well played.

But I'm not tipping out the bartender.

I'm the bartender.

Then you can break it to him.

Look at us-- squabbling, but with love.

We really are a family.

Thanks to this piece of paper.

That's the cable bill.

What is it about symbolism you don't get?

And it's past due.

Well, now you're just annoying me.

♪ ♪

It was the world's most wonderful honeymoon.

I wore no clothes for five days.

I mean, I've done that before, but not sober.

And not in private.

Look, we've all seen it. Let's get over it.

I've seen it, but I can't get over it.

What led up to this transformation?

Sorry, Marge, what happens at Sandals Orlando

stays at Sandals Orlando.

If only.

I, for one, am gobsmacked.

I used that right, right?

Gordon Ramsay says it when he finds out

the restaurant serves frozen lasagna.

Anyway, we had a dock in front of our cabin,

and every morning I'd get out of bed...

How do you wash it?

I don't.

You know, I want to say I'm nonplussed,

but I might be plussed, and I don't want to get it wrong.

And you have arrived safely at your destination.

Thank you, Officer.

You know what we call this, ladies?

A police escort.

Do you know what we call this?

Forced laughter.

I know at some point I've arrested you.

Well, you could probably say that to anyone at this table.

Have a great day at work.

Okay. You have a great day at, uh... this.

See you tonight.

He's taking me to his cop gym. He likes to show me off.

Like a piece of meat?

USDA Prime.

Anyway, you're just in time to hear my exciting story

about my honey... Oh, my God,

what the hell happened to you?

Orlando.

Hey, honey. Honey, honey!

Yes, sir? "Honey", or,

like I've told you three times, Christy, at your service.

Yeah, did these wings actually come from Buffalo?

'Cause they're ice-cold.

Let me take care of that for you, sir.

Even though you've already eaten four of them, you asshat.

(clears throat) What's wrong?

You see the one who makes the other ones look smart?

Oh, Marv? Yeah, he's a tool.

He's been a dick to me all night.

He says the hot wings aren't hot.

After he ate four?

I know, right?

Tool. Tool.

Need another plate of wings, and make 'em hot!

Make 'em hot?!

Everything in here is hot! I'm melting!

You're giving him new ones?

I was just gonna run a sponge over these

and nuke 'em in the microwave.

I'm sorry he's giving you a rough time,

but those guys are my Tuesday night.

They pile in here and drink their weight in booze.

Without them, I might as well not open.

Your call. But I can dump a beer in his lap

and totally make it look like an accident.

Yeah, I'm that good.

Ding, fries are up.

What's in your hair?

Hmm, I'm not sure.

But it's got a kick.

Tammy, we talked about this.

You're supposed to be wearing a hairnet.

I am nonplussed, Adam.

Completely nonplussed.

Your hot wings will be right out.

Would you like another round of beer?

(scoffs) Do we look like guys that stop after one pitcher?

Coming right up.

How about that? Dumb blonde's a real thing.

Excuse me?

Sorry about Marv.

His wife just left him.

I think the phrase is "tunneled out."

Oh, what's that supposed to mean?

I am implying that any poor woman who is stuck with you

would be willing to literally dig her way out of that life.

I'm picturing with a spoon. Hey, you would be

begging to dig out of my basement, baby.

Yes. I would be.

ADAM: Christy.

Christy, come here. Come here.

What the hell was that?

I know! Huge tool, right?

I'm talking about you. Me?

Go apologize and tell him the next round is on the house.

You cannot be serious.

I'm running a business.

And you should support your employees.

Ding, wings up!

Just go and apologize.

You want to apologize? Do it yourself!

Ding, wings getting cold.

Hairnet.

I will consider a hairnet if you get me a real bell.

I'm tired of doing my own ding.

Get the wings and go.

Oh, I'm going.

You can't leave.

Watch me.

Tammy, I need you to wait tables.

Seriously? I finally

got all of it crammed into this thing.

Now.

Hold up. Let me put my pants on.

Two towels, please?

Uh, I have to sign your guest in. Name?

Her name is "my girlfriend."

Last name "ba-bam."

It's Jill.

Jill Ba-Bam.

Oh, no, no, no.

I don't touch things that have touched other people.

Ah, 'cause she's a lady.

A super, super hot lady.

He can see that, baby. Dial it back.

16...

17...

...and a half.

(groans) Oh.

I'm really not supposed to let 'em clang like that,

but I think it tells the whole gym I'm here,

I'm strong, deal with it.

Okay, want to give it a whirl?

I mean, not at this weight, you know,

it took me years to get there.

Oh, that's okay. I'll just stick to my usual stuff.

Ah. Probably safer.

Did you know she could do this?

I didn't know anyone could do this.

Maybe she should be the cop

and you should be the one at home getting a pedicure.

(chuckles)

Ba-bam! (chuckles)

I'll kill him. I'll kill him!

Marv or Adam?

Adam. Who's Marv?

The guy!

I don't care about the guy.

I care that my husband threw my daughter

under the proverbial bus for this Marv guy.

Maybe I do care about Marv a little bit.

Thank you.

Oh, it's like Adam has, like, totally forgotten about

the existence of... of-of this... This is the, uh,

this is the uh, marriage certificate.

What's it doing in a magazine?

I don't... I-I brought the mail into the bathroom.

Things happen.

I got to say, Mom, it feels really good

knowing that you're on my side.

Well, of course I'm on your side.

What other side is there? There's only one side.

Honestly, this is more shocking than Wendy's hair.

Wendy's hair-- oof.

We still haven't talked about that yet.

I'll make some tea.

-Jill would've made that. -Shut up.

Well, that was fun.

-Yep. -We should do this again.

Yep.

Is everything all right?

Yep.

Do we have time to g...

Ooh, I left my watch in the locker.

-Oh... -Be right back.

It really doesn't go with your shoes.

(sighs)

Your day's not over, bub.

What does the dog know that I don't?

How could you not defend Christy?

Here we go. Yeah, here we go.

Hey, she walked out on me.

Because you threw her under the bus.

The customer is always right.

Since when? I've been a customer my whole life,

I'm never right.

Especially now.

You should have had her back.

She didn't have my back. She left me hanging.

I had to bartend, wait tables. I couldn't pee for four hours.

-Look, Christy is my daughter, and if you... -Nope, nope, no, no.

We're stopping that right now.

Don't you "nope, nope, nope" me.

I love Christy, but you can't automatically take her side.

We're married now. Things are different.

So I'm supposed to automatically take your side?

Hey, it goes both ways.

No matter how many crazy-ass things you do--

and we know you're gonna do 'em--

I will always be there to support you.

You will?

Hell yeah, you're my wife. I got your back forever.

Aw. (chuckles)

How tired are you?

Does it matter? You're on top either way.

Oh, Christy, good, you're still here.

Adam and I want to talk to you.

Oh? Oh, good.

Yes. Yes, please do.

I really feel like you owe Adam an apology.

What? No.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Last time you and I spoke, you were killing him for me.

-What? -It's symbolism.

Uh, that was before I heard Adam's side of the story.

Oh, thank you, Bonnie.

Oh, yes.

"Thank you, Bonnie."

I see how it is now.

A little nighttime nookie-nookie pillow talk,

suddenly he has a side?

I do. He does.

(grunts loudly)

I hate you both!

I can't wait till I finish school

so I can get out of this house!

I've never actually seen you,

but you're, like, 45, right?

Forty-one.

You think I'll still be living here when I'm 45?

And now it's two against one, just 'cause they're married.

Where was Adam when I was cleaning vomit

out of her eyes?

That's right, vomit.

She threw up into a fan.

In a department store.

-The day before Christmas. -Mm-hmm.

I-I get it.

Also, I'm trying to eat soup.

I think what's going on here

is that for years, you felt abandoned by your mother.

And then you finally got the relationship with her

that you'd been waiting for,

and now you're feeling abandoned again.

Yes, that's exactly what she's doing.

She's abandoning me again.

How is everything?

Amazing, thank you.

I ordered a BLT, I got a turkey sandwich.

But I'm not gonna complain,

because that's how you treat a waitress.

Sweetie, your mother is finally in a healthy relationship,

so instead of focusing on what you're not getting,

try focusing on how happy you are

that she found someone.

Great, Marjorie.

I just wanted you to agree with me,

but instead, you give me good advice.

You're welcome.

Now, we never got a chance to discuss Wendy's hair.

Ooh, I wanted to talk about that, too.

It's the first time I've ever had a fight with Christy.

We've always gotten along so great.

And she and Bonnie have been through so much together.

Maybe I don't have the right to expect Bonnie

to side with me every time.

What do you think?

You have the longest eyelashes.

Huh?

Nothing. Never mind. Keep going.

If I side with Adam, I hurt Christy.

If I side with Christy, I hurt Adam.

It was just so much easier when I only had to worry

about one person's needs-- mine.

Yeah, well, I've been there.

My first wife had two kids before we got married.

Well, it's hard being in the middle.

A lot of crazy feelings to balance.

Yeah. How'd you deal with it?

You did hear me say that that was my first wife?

Now, the second Mrs. Munson...

Wait, just so I know,

how many Mrs. Munsons were there?

Five marriages, four women.

Uh, I circled back to number three.

Oh, Lord, she was a spitfire.

We met at a Bobby Womack concert.

You remember him.

"Lookin' For a Love,"

"Woman's Gotta Have It." (chuckles)

He was Sam Cooke's guitar player

before Sam Cooke was, uh, murdered.

Then he married Sam Cooke's widow,

and that did not go over with the community. And...

And I'm telling another story to myself.

(sighs) I've never done paintball before.

What a blast.

Oh, yeah.

I mean, the last time I got splattered with paint,

I was wearing fur; it wasn't as much fun.

Really? 'Cause you don't seem to be splattered at all.

I think my gun was just faster than yours.

This is my own paintball gun.

Yours is a rental.

And I practiced yesterday.

You practiced?

Yeah. Look, can we just get some chili fries

and put this behind us, please?

No. You've been weird since the gym.

-Oh, hold on. -Oh, my God!

-I got this. -Call 911!

I am 911. Would you...

Okay, I'm a professional. Please let me do this.

What are you doing? I almost had it.

Yeah, because you move like a puma.

Okay, you know what, you gotta ball your fist.

Okay. Hey, I know how to ball my fist!

Hey... you okay?

Yeah. Thank you.

Or you.

Glad you're okay.

What the hell is wrong with you?

I feel bad that you're...

better than me at everything.

And I feel bad that I'm the kind of guy

who feels bad about that.

Well, I'm sorry. In the past,

I would've let you win, but I'm a strong sober woman now

and I won't play the girl for you.

No, I don't need you to do that.

I just want to impress you with something.

Why? I'm already falling in love with you.

What was that?

Nothing.

-Are you sure? -Yup.

Because it sounds to me like you were the first one

to say I love... (grunts)

Did you shoot me in the heart because you love me?

No!

Doesn't hurt because you love me.

(Bonnie laughs)

(knocking on door) Come in.

Hey, um, can I talk to you guys?

What happened?

Did you have an accident with the car? (gasps)

Are you pregnant?

No.

But I owe you an apology.

I realize it's time I start,

you know, acting my age.

You two are husband and wife

and I need to respect that

or whatever.

Thanks, Christy. And for what it's worth,

Marv was being a real jerk to Tammy tonight,

so I kicked him out. Aw. See?

All I see is that he stuck up for Tammy

and he didn't stick up for me.

Wow. Now that's all I see.

You didn't see it until she said to see it.

I saw it.

So whose side are you on?

Look, we need to think of this family as a reality show.

Alliances are going to shift, and right now you're out.

So basically you agree with whoever speaks to you last.

He's got a point.

Ugh! I hate having a family.

(door slams) Eh, she's got a point, too.

So I chased him into a ravine and held a paintball gun

to his head until he told me he loved me, too.

-So romantic. -Isn't it?

(phone rings)

Hi, Bob.

(laughing)

Of course I still have them.

Do you still have your perfectly tan tush?

ALL: Orlando.