All language subtitles for Mom S06E14 Kalamazoo and a Bad Wedge of Brie - fiveofseven

- Hi. Tammy, alcoholic.
- Hi, Tammy.

Whew. I'm still a little
rattled. (chuckles)

I'm standing in line
at the salad bar today,

and there's this cop behind me.

So, of course, fresh out
of jail, I get paranoid.

My hands start shaking,
chickpeas rolling off the plate.

(sighs) Freaked me out so
much, I left without getting

any of those itty-bitty corncobs,

which is the whole reason I went.

I mean, am I gonna
spend the rest of my life

looking over my shoulder, afraid
they're gonna lock me up again?

I can't go back to jail.

There's no tiny corn there.

And people stab you.

Anyway, thanks.

Would anyone else like to share?

Hi. Christy, alcoholic.

GROUP: Hi, Christy.

I was so not planning on
coming to the meeting today.

I mean, I had no school, no work,

and all I wanted to
do was lie on the couch

and binge-watch Chopped.

P.S. I would be great on that show.

I can't tell you how many
times I've opened up the fridge

and all I had was gummy
bears, tortillas and mustard.

That was a challenging Thanksgiving.

(sighs) But next thing I knew,
I was putting my shoes on,

getting in the car and
driving here. (chuckles)

I can't believe it; I have sober feet.

(chuckling)

They know where I'm supposed to be,

even when I don't want to be there.

Sober feet.

Anyway, that's all.

Really glad to be here. (chuckles)

(applause)

- Anyone else?
- I'll go.

- Hi. Bonnie, alcoholic.
- GROUP: Hi, Bonnie.

Well, my fiancé's bar has
finally turned a corner.

So, with Adam busy, I have
a lot of time to myself,

which, when I drank, could be dangerous,

but now is kind of nice.

I can eat what I want,
see any movie I want.

By golly, for the first time in my life,

I get to be a little selfish.

Too easy.

Come on. "Sober feet."

That's recovery gold right there.

But I look over at Nora, I get nothing.

Not a smile, not a wink,
not even a finger gun.

(clicks tongue)

You know, sweetie, needy's
not a good color on you.

It's not needy to want an "attaboy"

from my sponsor once in a while.

I always give my sponsees
my full attention.

Oh, please. You slept through
my entire share last week.

I was meditating.

Is your secret mantra,
(snorts) "I'm awake"?

Spot-on, Big Sauce.
She does the same thing

when we're at home watching Blue Bloods.

Well, it's the only way I
can get you to stop talking.

I do get chatty when
Donnie Wahlberg's on camera.

I just have a feeling
he's a fascinating person.

All right, coffee pot is
clean. I'm out of here.

Hey, Nora!

Awesome share.

I always get so much out
of what you have to say.

Thanks.

(mouthing)

Well, that was hard to watch.

She knows how it works.

"Hey, I liked your share."

"Thanks. I liked your share, too."

Well, I liked your share today.

Thank you, Wendy. I
liked your share, too.

I didn't share.

Oh.

Attaboy. (clicks tongue)

♪♪

(suspenseful music playing
over TV, woman screams, crunch)

Oh! (laughs)

What's the body count so far?

Well, assuming that cheerleader
can't sew her head back on,

- we're up to five.
- (chuckles): Yeah.

Her head's on the floor, but her
hands still think she's alive.

CHRISTY: Is it safe to look now?

Hang on.

All clear.

(sharp blow lands, man screams)

- (both laugh)
- (screams)

You guys suck!

The-the jock gets it in the jockstrap.

- (phone chimes)
- Now, that's good writing.

Mm.

- Unbelievable.
- What?

I texted Nora an hour ago,
and she still hasn't responded.

So I paused the movie

for something that
didn't actually happen?

Yeah.

Why are you so obsessed
with Nora's approval?

I mean, is it 'cause
she's famous or something?

She's not famous; she does
the weather for the local news.

And co-hosts the Napa Valley
Thanksgiving Day Parade.

It's on two channels.

Christy's always been
an approval junkie.

In high school, if there
was one person in her class

that didn't like her, that's
who she'd have sex with.

Hey, it worked.

You should take a page
from the Book of Bonnie.

She never cares what people think.

She should.

See, you say that; don't care.

(ringtone playing)

Oh, look, it's Nora.

- She called you?
- Relax. It's Jill.

What's up?

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Slow down.

- Are you okay?
- What happened?

Someone broke into her
house. Uh, we're on our way.

Okay, listen, if the
police ask any questions,

I was here with you all
night watching movies.

You were watching a movie with us.

Oh, good, say it just like that.

I just keep thinking, if I'd
gotten home ten minutes earlier,

maybe they still would've been in here.

I could be lying on the floor dead.

But your hands don't know it
yet, so they're still twitching.

Quit it.

(mouthing)

We're just glad you're
okay. What'd they get?

Oh, all the jewelry
that wasn't in the safe

and everything from the loose cash bowl.

- The what?
- You know how you have

a bowl with loose
pennies and buttons in it?

Jill does that with 20s and 50s.

It's for tips,
trick-or-treaters or Mormons.

How much was in there?

I don't know, couple of inches?

I can't find the milk.

Oh, my God, those
bastards took the milk.

MAN (in distance): Ms. Kendall?

In the kitchen!

MAN: Big house. Doesn't help.

Follow my voice, follow
my voice, follow my voice!

All right, checked the
whole property. It's clear.

Thank you, Officer.

No problem.

Sir, just so you know, I'm on parole.

But I have an alibi; I was with them

watching slasher movies all night.

Oh. Yeah, those are fun,

till you walk in on a real crime scene.

I bet you've seen some messed-up stuff.

I don't like to talk about it, but no.

This is Napa Valley.

People call 911 when they
get a bad wedge of brie.

Oh, I love brie.

All right, here's my card.

Give me a call tomorrow with
a list of what's gone missing,

you know, for your insurance.

Thank you.

Oh, and, uh, I, uh...

I just got one more question for you.

Um, is that a Kalamazoo
grill in the backyard?

I don't know. My ex-husband put it in.

I don't touch the thing.

(chuckles softly) How can...

How can you not...

I'm sorry. It's just, when
I buy a lottery ticket,

that grill is what I'm dreaming of.

You can burn wood,
charcoal, gas, or-or...

you can go infrared.

Infrared.

You're getting a little
worked up here, Officer.

It's just sitting there!

Well, good thing they didn't steal that.

(chuckles) Okay.

You can't steal it; it's built-in.

I'm sorry.

You ladies, have a, have a good night.

It's a left, two rights and a left.

Copy that.

Well, thanks again for coming,
but I think I'm okay now.

Yeah. Unless they come back. (chuckles)

What?

Why would you say that?

It happens all the time.

I mean, now that the
guy knows the layout,

he could get a couple
buddies, come back,

- toss this place like a Caesar salad.
- Tammy!

I'm sorry! You're right.
It could be a chick.

I really appreciate you
guys spending the night.

I still think you could've
made room for me up there.

I still think, while you're
down there, you can rub my feet.

Bonnie, would you please
check the windows again?

(sighs) Sure.

- Back.
- Damn it.

You know, we can't
sleep here every night.

Speak for yourself.

This mattress is taking
on the shape of my ass.

- It's memory foam.
- Well, I want to marry it.

Maybe you should hire
some security, you know,

someone to stay here till
you get over the yips.

How 'bout that cop?

A lot of those guys do off-duty work.

Mm, I don't know.

He wouldn't shut up about my barbecue.

I mean, what man
notices that and not me?

You're right, don't call
a cop. Call a Hells Angel.

They know how to crack heads
and appreciate a pretty lady.

Shh, shh, shh! Did you just hear that?

Jill, the alarm's on,
you're surrounded by us,

and Christy's closest to the
door... they'll get her first.

The hell they will!

(grunting)

Geez, shave your legs once in a while!

Okay, if this is gonna work,

everybody has to sleep on their side.

- Flip the dolphin, Tam.
- Oh, sure, sure.

What's this?

Warm brown food?

I'm in.

Appears to be some sort of chili.

Yep, chili.

Hey! What are you doing, you big moose?!

You just walk in

and eat anything that's
cooking on the stove?

It's kept me alive so far.

Well, it's not for you. It's for Nora.

I did a little snooping
around on Instagram;

found out it's her favorite thing.

Oh, my God, you're making chili for Nora

just so she'll like you.

Hey, I used to make you screwdrivers

to get you to like me.

You did have a good firm
pour for an eight-year-old.

I really think this is gonna work.

I can almost feel her loving me already.

You're really quite
pathetic, do you know that?

I've never denied it.

Excuse me.

I'm paying you to protect
me, not to sit here watching

six tiny black-and-white
movies at the same time.

You figured out those are the
security cameras I set up, yeah?

Halfway through.

What's going on there?
Those squirrels fighting?

Oh. Oh.

Yeah, they've been going
at it hot and heavy.

Definitely not married.

(both chuckle)

You know, you don't have to
keep bringing your own food.

You're welcome to
anything in the fridge.

Oh. Thanks, but years
of police work tell me

there's probably less
than a thousand calories

in this entire house.

Oh, really?

I got to ask you a
question, Ms. Kendall.

Oh, you've seen me without
makeup; call me Jill.

You've seen me without
makeup; call me Andy.

(chuckles) Great, Andy. Ask away.

This is a huge house, and
you're just one person.

Don't you think you'd feel
safer in a smaller place?

Maybe.

But I've just been here so long,
I guess I'm kind of used to it.

And my ex wanted it in the divorce,

so I cried until the
judge said I could have it.

Mm.

Yeah, my ex did the same
thing with my Raiders tickets.

And she doesn't even go.

It's painful enough trying
to watch a Raiders game.

Now I got to turn it on and see

those two empty seats in the end zone.

Oh, that's nothing.

Does your ex have a beautiful young wife

and an okay-looking child?

No. She's dating another bald cop

who could stand to lose 20 pounds.

What was wrong with me?

I'm done being on Team Sad.

I been through all
four stages of grief...

eating, crying, drinking, snorting.

I been down that path.

Got stuck on eating.

Want a bite?

Nah.

I'm not eating bread,
cheese or meat right now.

- Watch your fingers.
- Oh.

(game show music playing over TV)

- (channel changes)
- Hey, what are you doing?

I was watching... whatever that was.

I want to watch the weather.

We live in California.

Here's your five-day forecast... Nice.

Oh, wait. You want to watch
Nora so you can tell her

how much you love the
way she points at things.

Suck-up.

Am not.

Did I get a text saying
how much she loved my chili?

Yes, I did.

She even asked how my day was going.

Is that the sound of
the ice queen cracking?

I think so.

Are you gonna ask questions
and also answer them?

Is that your new thing?

Is it? I don't know.

Shh, shh! My new bestie's on.

NORA: Ah, thanks, Rob!

And I agree, that is some tie.

(Nora and Rob laugh)

Well, looks like we might need

to break out the sweaters, folks.

Temperatures will be
cooling down this week

thanks to winds coming in from the west.

(farts)

Hey, you and your chili
just got a shout-out.

(auto-tuned): ♪ Winds coming
in from the west ♪ (farts)

♪ Winds coming in
from the west ♪ (farts)

♪ Winds coming in from
the west... ♪ (farts)

600,000 views!

The minute I saw this, I said,
"Let's make a YouTube video."

And Christy's all, "No, we
can't humiliate my sponsor."

Once again, my daughter
holds me back from greatness!

(laughs)

I feel sorry for her.

Okay, when did you let one rip?

High school talent show.

I was playing the flute,
but not nearly loud enough.

(laughs)

Move over, sex with Abe Lincoln.

That is now number one
on my time machine list.

(laughter) Man, poor Nora.

Let's watch it again.

Seriously, there's a 5% chance
they're laughing at Wendy.

We both know who they're laughing at.

Here's your Tupperware.

I'm so sorry.

Well, don't be.

Am I feeling a little
embarrassed? Absolutely.

I'm human and I frickin' farted on TV.

- And do you want to talk about that?
- Not with you.

I'll bring it to my
sponsor, who, by the way,

I'm also not buddies with.

Thank you for the coffee. I got to go.

Right. Well, maybe we should...

Okay. All right. Bye!

Marjorie, give me my phone back.

How did you get from
farts to cat videos?

How's Nora?

Our friendship is dead, and
here's the murder weapon.

I just don't get what the big deal is.

We all do it. We burp, we
fart, we pee when we laugh,

which only makes us laugh
more, which makes us pee more.

- Circle of life.
- (phone chimes)

Ooh, motion sensor alert.

Aw, look. Andy's bringing in my mail.

How long you gonna keep him around?

I don't know. He makes me feel safe.

And he's a lot of fun.

We stayed up all night just gabbing.

He told me stories about being a Marine.

He really knows how to
take care of business.

Yeah? Did he take care of your business?

While you were gabbing all night?

Uh-huh.

Girl!

(scoffs) He's a great guy, but
you met him; he's not my type.

I don't know. He brought in your mail.

Yeah, he did.

Girl!

Wendy, it's not working.

I know.

Okay, here are the
keys to your new locks.

Motion detectors are
up, cameras are working,

and I think the squirrels got married.

How can you tell?

They're just eating in
silence next to each other.

(laughs)

(sighs) You sure you
can't stay one more night?

At this point, I'd just be
taking your money. You're safe.

I don't know how to thank you.

Promise me one thing.

I know, I know. I got to
use that big fancy grill.

I was gonna say please be sure
to set your alarm, but, yeah,

I will sleep better at
night knowing you finally

tossed a rib eye on
that magnificent bastard.

- Bye.
- Bye.

BOTH: Girl!

Oh, stop.

Let's just start watching the movie.

- I think we just watched one.
- Mm-hmm.

A little romantic comedy

about the lonely rich
girl and her bodyguard.

♪ And I-ee-I... ♪

♪ Will always love you-ooh-ooh... ♪

All right, knock it off.

I told you, he's not my type.

You're right. You only
date super handsome,

emotionally unavailable jerks.

Mmm. Just hearing that turns me on.

Maybe it's time for a change.

No one's gonna judge you.

And if they do, who cares? You're happy.

Yeah. Hey, I had a type, too,

and it wasn't a guy in a wheelchair.

- Yeah, but Adam's hot.
- So hot.

And taken. Taken.

We'll see.

The point is that cop made you smile

like I haven't seen in a long time.

You guys are really underestimating

how shallow I am.

Knockity-knock.

Hey. What are you doing here?

I just came by to bring you
this tiny cactus for luck.

I know it's your first day
back since the... incident.

"Incident." I like that.

Around here, they just call
it "that time I farted on TV."

I hope you're not mad
at me over all of this.

Okay, we got to nip this in the bud.

Remember when I first
started sponsoring you

and I asked you to do a fear inventory?

Yeah. Maybe it's time for you to do

another one, because I don't
remember you writing down,

"I'm terrified that
people won't like me."

- I didn't write that down.
- Why not?

I was afraid it would
make you not like me.

Do you see what you're doing here?

Yeah, yeah.

No.

If you always seek the
validation of other people,

you will never be content,

because you're making
them your higher power.

You're doing it with me.

And at the end of the day,
I'm just another drunk.

Oh. One who is 60 seconds
away from doing the weather.

Walk with me.

Ooh, we're gonna do the weather?

Mm-hmm.

- Nora, I just want to...
- Watch the cables.

Oh, my God, that's
Sports with Kane Stevens!

And you don't need
him to like you either.

Yes, I do. No, you don't.

Look, I didn't have a lot
going for me growing up,

but winning people over
was one of my strong suits.

And I'm sure it served you,
but you don't need it anymore.

Let me ask you something.
Do you like yourself?

'Cause that's the only person
you should be concerned about.

Now, off my set.

STAGE MANAGER: All right.
In five, four, three, two...

Look who's back.

All right, before I
get to the five-day,

let me acknowledge something
that got away from me last week.

- (Rob laughs)
- (chuckles) Laugh it up, Rob.

We all know you're not
wearing pants behind that desk.

Point is, we're all human.

We have our sunny days and rainy days.

It's how you dust yourself off

to get to the next day that matters.

So, looking ahead at...

Oh, my God, she winked at me.

Which is not a big
deal... beginning now.

(glass crashes)

(alarm wailing)

Andy! I was sleeping, and
the alarm started going off.

I think somebody's breaking in.

You will?

(sighs) You're the best. See you soon.

(alarm continues wailing)

Girl.