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1
00:00:01,305 --> 00:00:04,829
- Previously on Mom...
- You slept with Adam?
2
00:00:04,881 --> 00:00:06,748
We only did it, like...
3
00:00:06,893 --> 00:00:08,495
20 times.
4
00:00:08,550 --> 00:00:10,883
You never told me you
slept with this monkey.
5
00:00:10,969 --> 00:00:12,435
You porked my wife?!
6
00:00:12,520 --> 00:00:14,887
- I wouldn't use that word.
- I would.
7
00:00:14,973 --> 00:00:17,106
- You grabbed her ass?
- With both hands.
8
00:00:17,645 --> 00:00:19,728
You did "bad hand" on my woman?
9
00:00:20,408 --> 00:00:22,549
I have a drinking problem.
10
00:00:23,057 --> 00:00:24,390
Come here, brother.
11
00:00:24,515 --> 00:00:25,898
Oh, thanks.
12
00:00:25,933 --> 00:00:28,015
Man, you know, I-I was just kidding.
13
00:00:28,040 --> 00:00:29,973
(grunts)
14
00:00:32,773 --> 00:00:35,875
You've been reading
Cosmopolitan again, haven't you?
15
00:00:36,140 --> 00:00:38,570
Don't know why every man doesn't.
16
00:00:39,157 --> 00:00:41,591
- I love you.
- I love you, too.
17
00:00:41,616 --> 00:00:43,773
My friend Mitch is coming to town.
18
00:00:45,210 --> 00:00:47,203
- What?
- I said I love you.
19
00:00:47,531 --> 00:00:49,998
Drunk Hollywood douchebag Mitch?
20
00:00:50,023 --> 00:00:52,591
I know the last time he was
here things got a little bumpy...
21
00:00:52,616 --> 00:00:55,281
A little bumpy? He hit
on me and my daughter.
22
00:00:55,306 --> 00:00:57,940
He peed in three places
that weren't the bathroom.
23
00:00:57,965 --> 00:01:00,216
One of them was our good salad bowl.
24
00:01:00,301 --> 00:01:01,767
But he's not the same guy anymore.
25
00:01:01,803 --> 00:01:03,269
He sobered up, he divorced Leanne,
26
00:01:03,294 --> 00:01:04,864
he's on a whole different path,
27
00:01:04,889 --> 00:01:06,772
and he just wants some bro time.
28
00:01:06,868 --> 00:01:08,701
If you ever want to
have sex with me again,
29
00:01:08,726 --> 00:01:09,859
don't say "bro time."
30
00:01:11,058 --> 00:01:14,257
Fine. You see him. Just
keep him away from me.
31
00:01:14,976 --> 00:01:16,626
- Actually...
- (groans)
32
00:01:17,205 --> 00:01:19,632
He just wants to apologize
to you and Christy.
33
00:01:21,468 --> 00:01:22,965
You son of a bitch.
34
00:01:22,990 --> 00:01:25,207
- What?
- You waited to tell me this
35
00:01:25,293 --> 00:01:27,293
till after I had a decent orgasm.
36
00:01:27,999 --> 00:01:31,193
Decent? You practically levitated.
37
00:01:31,218 --> 00:01:33,999
Fine, it was a cascading
series of body tremors.
38
00:01:34,145 --> 00:01:37,730
Just like the article
promised! So, what do you say?
39
00:01:37,755 --> 00:01:41,090
Oh, no, this is way too big a
favor for just one go-around.
40
00:01:41,115 --> 00:01:42,365
(laughs)
41
00:01:42,827 --> 00:01:45,154
- You're kidding, right?
- Nope.
42
00:01:45,608 --> 00:01:47,658
Seriously, why am I still
looking at your face?
43
00:01:50,094 --> 00:01:52,531
♪♪
44
00:02:10,910 --> 00:02:13,589
I can't believe you're letting
that animal back into our lives.
45
00:02:13,614 --> 00:02:15,664
Well, at least it's only
one animal this time.
46
00:02:15,749 --> 00:02:16,982
Leanne's out of the picture.
47
00:02:17,050 --> 00:02:18,984
I'm still kind of
shocked they got divorced.
48
00:02:19,009 --> 00:02:21,063
Really? I'm shocked
that marriage didn't end
49
00:02:21,088 --> 00:02:22,621
in a murder-suicide.
50
00:02:22,766 --> 00:02:24,683
Yeah, but they're kind
of made for each other.
51
00:02:25,067 --> 00:02:27,676
Like water parks and diarrhea.
52
00:02:27,821 --> 00:02:29,688
- (door opens)
- ADAM: Hey, we're here.
53
00:02:29,713 --> 00:02:30,917
Ugh, I can't do this.
54
00:02:30,942 --> 00:02:32,608
I promised Adam five minutes,
55
00:02:32,633 --> 00:02:34,132
and then we can head to the meeting.
56
00:02:34,157 --> 00:02:36,223
I got to stop wearing
stuff with handles.
57
00:02:38,166 --> 00:02:40,082
Bonnie, Christy.
58
00:02:40,107 --> 00:02:42,023
(chuckles): You remember Mitch.
59
00:02:42,109 --> 00:02:43,225
BOTH: Hey.
60
00:02:43,895 --> 00:02:45,894
Hey. Thank you for seeing me.
61
00:02:45,979 --> 00:02:47,229
- Mm-hmm.
- Uh-huh.
62
00:02:47,314 --> 00:02:49,197
You might want to take
that as a win and leave.
63
00:02:49,283 --> 00:02:52,200
No. No, I got to do this.
64
00:02:53,965 --> 00:02:56,048
Christy, Bonnie...
65
00:02:56,073 --> 00:02:58,331
I owe you both an amends
66
00:02:58,356 --> 00:03:00,314
for the wreckage I
caused on my last visit.
67
00:03:01,614 --> 00:03:04,056
I hope that you can
give me another chance.
68
00:03:04,081 --> 00:03:05,630
(voice breaking): But if you can't...
69
00:03:06,056 --> 00:03:08,189
I totally understand.
70
00:03:09,347 --> 00:03:12,481
I cry so easily these days.
71
00:03:15,090 --> 00:03:16,235
What do you think?
72
00:03:16,934 --> 00:03:19,684
I think making an amends
like that is really painful.
73
00:03:20,856 --> 00:03:22,514
Keep going.
74
00:03:22,659 --> 00:03:24,910
I didn't understand...
75
00:03:24,995 --> 00:03:26,995
what an ass I was.
76
00:03:27,020 --> 00:03:29,688
Ooh, I like that. Delve into that.
77
00:03:29,833 --> 00:03:33,001
I actually thought my
behavior was charming.
78
00:03:33,411 --> 00:03:35,825
That's alcoholic thinking for you.
79
00:03:36,903 --> 00:03:38,663
Anyway, all I can do now
80
00:03:38,949 --> 00:03:41,653
is try to repair the damage.
81
00:03:43,262 --> 00:03:45,013
Damn it, that was really good.
82
00:03:45,764 --> 00:03:47,355
Hold on.
83
00:03:49,876 --> 00:03:52,027
Oh, crap. Real tears.
84
00:03:54,192 --> 00:03:55,274
BOTH: Forgiven.
85
00:03:56,070 --> 00:03:58,864
ADAM: So, are we all Kumbaya here?
86
00:03:59,731 --> 00:04:01,553
'Cause I'm gonna show Mitch the bar
87
00:04:01,578 --> 00:04:03,198
while you two go to your meeting.
88
00:04:03,223 --> 00:04:05,190
Actually, buddy, I'm-I'm
feeling a little fragile.
89
00:04:05,215 --> 00:04:07,465
I could really use a meeting right now.
90
00:04:08,536 --> 00:04:12,113
- Do you mind if I tag along?
- Well?
91
00:04:12,692 --> 00:04:14,733
We're not really allowed to say no.
92
00:04:15,301 --> 00:04:17,402
Stupid program.
93
00:04:18,403 --> 00:04:19,348
Come on.
94
00:04:19,373 --> 00:04:22,908
Whoa. Whoa, whoa,
whoa, you just got here.
95
00:04:23,053 --> 00:04:24,803
What happened to bro time?
96
00:04:24,828 --> 00:04:27,286
Hey, what'd I say about that?
97
00:04:28,225 --> 00:04:30,809
So, I'm directing this
movie in Dubrovnik,
98
00:04:30,834 --> 00:04:33,168
and everybody's looking
at me to steer the ship
99
00:04:33,193 --> 00:04:36,106
'cause, you know, I'm the director.
100
00:04:37,301 --> 00:04:40,352
And all I can think is, "I'm a fraud."
101
00:04:41,488 --> 00:04:43,655
"I'm a drunk. I'm a liar."
102
00:04:44,559 --> 00:04:45,647
You're safe here.
103
00:04:46,599 --> 00:04:48,137
I feel that.
104
00:04:49,247 --> 00:04:51,436
So, I start saying the prayer
105
00:04:51,461 --> 00:04:55,167
in my head, and... I'll be darned
106
00:04:55,192 --> 00:04:58,326
if God didn't grant me the
serenity to call "action"
107
00:04:59,028 --> 00:05:01,006
and send the Harley off the cliff,
108
00:05:01,031 --> 00:05:03,081
through the helicopter
door, out the other side,
109
00:05:03,116 --> 00:05:04,699
where it hit a second helicopter,
110
00:05:04,724 --> 00:05:08,013
exploded, ball of fire, dead bad guy,
111
00:05:08,038 --> 00:05:10,872
that's a wrap and a
Golden Globe nomination.
112
00:05:11,473 --> 00:05:12,434
Golden Globe?
113
00:05:12,459 --> 00:05:16,104
Well, if you believe the buzz. Anyway,
114
00:05:16,129 --> 00:05:19,097
I'm just another drunk
trying to get through the day.
115
00:05:19,418 --> 00:05:22,744
Well, a drunk who's
a Hollywood director.
116
00:05:23,808 --> 00:05:27,254
Wow, lunch goes faster when
someone else does the talking.
117
00:05:29,643 --> 00:05:32,784
I don't know how you handle
the pressure of making a movie.
118
00:05:32,809 --> 00:05:35,040
I can barely deal with work and school.
119
00:05:35,065 --> 00:05:38,116
If they ever stopped making
Red Bull, I'd be screwed.
120
00:05:38,212 --> 00:05:41,380
I actually won three
Red Bull Stunt Awards.
121
00:05:41,405 --> 00:05:43,955
But have you ever considered meditating?
122
00:05:45,434 --> 00:05:46,134
I tried,
123
00:05:46,159 --> 00:05:49,497
but apparently my ind craves anxiety.
124
00:05:50,058 --> 00:05:51,223
Well, it changed my life.
125
00:05:51,248 --> 00:05:52,568
It made me a much better director.
126
00:05:53,106 --> 00:05:54,476
That's four.
127
00:05:55,645 --> 00:05:58,136
Ladies, I just... I want to thank you
128
00:05:58,231 --> 00:05:59,781
for letting me into the red tent.
129
00:05:59,806 --> 00:06:04,259
I-I've just been so raw
since Leanne and I split up.
130
00:06:04,606 --> 00:06:06,321
Yeah, now, what happened there?
131
00:06:07,137 --> 00:06:10,872
Well, I got sober,
and she couldn't do it.
132
00:06:10,897 --> 00:06:13,615
I love her, but I had to let her go.
133
00:06:14,855 --> 00:06:18,395
Yeah, the road gets narrower,
but our life gets better.
134
00:06:20,317 --> 00:06:22,106
Thank you for that.
135
00:06:23,246 --> 00:06:25,059
We're all here for you.
136
00:06:28,618 --> 00:06:29,618
Oh. No, no,
137
00:06:29,643 --> 00:06:33,148
no, ladies, this one is on me.
138
00:06:33,183 --> 00:06:35,684
Finally. I've been
waiting for four years
139
00:06:35,709 --> 00:06:37,125
for somebody else to pick up...
140
00:06:37,707 --> 00:06:39,844
Hold the phone, is that a black card?
141
00:06:39,891 --> 00:06:41,857
- This? Oh, yeah.
- BONNIE: Is it true
142
00:06:41,882 --> 00:06:43,159
you can buy a Ferrari with that?
143
00:06:43,183 --> 00:06:45,100
It's almost rude if you don't.
144
00:06:49,199 --> 00:06:51,366
- Whoa.
- Right?
145
00:06:51,543 --> 00:06:53,191
You should shoot a movie here.
146
00:06:53,226 --> 00:06:55,809
I could be in it. You know, I sing.
147
00:06:57,247 --> 00:07:00,307
I'm panning, and I'm loving.
148
00:07:00,332 --> 00:07:03,068
I'm panning, and I'm loving.
149
00:07:03,093 --> 00:07:04,142
Ooh.
150
00:07:04,582 --> 00:07:06,905
Recast that guy.
151
00:07:07,066 --> 00:07:09,401
- Come on, you like?
- It's fantastic.
152
00:07:09,426 --> 00:07:12,504
Where was this place when
my blood type was bourbon?
153
00:07:12,700 --> 00:07:15,268
I know. I would've been totally
sleeping with the bartender.
154
00:07:15,293 --> 00:07:16,675
Oh, wait, I am.
155
00:07:18,786 --> 00:07:20,418
So, how's business been?
156
00:07:20,801 --> 00:07:22,531
Let's just say that there
are three people in here,
157
00:07:22,556 --> 00:07:24,472
- and I'm excited.
- I don't get it.
158
00:07:24,497 --> 00:07:26,201
This place should be crushing it.
159
00:07:26,590 --> 00:07:28,817
It's got charm, character,
160
00:07:28,842 --> 00:07:31,567
an owner you feel a
little bit sorry for.
161
00:07:33,247 --> 00:07:36,307
I know. I keep telling
him, work the chair.
162
00:07:36,332 --> 00:07:37,412
You guys done?
163
00:07:37,437 --> 00:07:41,239
Never. Honestly, man, I love
it. I love it. It's great.
164
00:07:41,274 --> 00:07:43,401
Thanks. As soon as we
start turning a profit,
165
00:07:43,426 --> 00:07:44,586
I got big plans.
166
00:07:44,611 --> 00:07:46,089
I want to hear them, but right now I got
167
00:07:46,113 --> 00:07:47,829
about a gallon of iced tea in me.
168
00:07:47,965 --> 00:07:49,925
Right that way. It's the
door that says "hombres."
169
00:07:49,950 --> 00:07:52,700
- Cool.
- Still not sure I should've done that.
170
00:07:55,082 --> 00:07:56,921
So, you two seem to be getting along.
171
00:07:56,957 --> 00:07:59,674
Well, yeah, he's sober now,
he kept his hands to himself,
172
00:07:59,699 --> 00:08:01,926
and he paid for lunch with a black card.
173
00:08:02,763 --> 00:08:04,247
A black card.
174
00:08:05,575 --> 00:08:07,382
He does love waving that thing around.
175
00:08:07,466 --> 00:08:08,777
Well, maybe he could wave it at us
176
00:08:08,802 --> 00:08:10,135
and make our problems disappear.
177
00:08:10,281 --> 00:08:11,780
Seriously, if we want
178
00:08:11,805 --> 00:08:13,032
to take this bar to the next level,
179
00:08:13,056 --> 00:08:14,222
we need an investor.
180
00:08:14,307 --> 00:08:15,690
I don't know. Friends and business?
181
00:08:15,776 --> 00:08:17,942
That's as bad as having
"hombres" on the door.
182
00:08:17,978 --> 00:08:20,528
Oh, come on. He lives in L.A.,
so we'd never hear from him.
183
00:08:20,553 --> 00:08:21,957
He'd just send us money.
184
00:08:21,982 --> 00:08:24,232
It's the exact opposite
of having a child.
185
00:08:24,926 --> 00:08:25,877
MITCH: Hey.
186
00:08:25,902 --> 00:08:28,736
You ever think of putting
TVs above the urinals?
187
00:08:28,822 --> 00:08:31,932
I have a buddy who produces
60-second TED Talks.
188
00:08:31,957 --> 00:08:33,682
Perfect for the average whiz.
189
00:08:33,707 --> 00:08:37,078
You go in with a full bladder,
you leave with a full mind.
190
00:08:37,209 --> 00:08:39,841
Look at that, Mitch
has ideas for the bar.
191
00:08:39,866 --> 00:08:42,500
If only we had money to implement them.
192
00:08:42,545 --> 00:08:45,470
- Bonnie.
- Are you looking for investors?
193
00:08:45,522 --> 00:08:47,154
I would never put you
in that position, buddy.
194
00:08:47,206 --> 00:08:48,956
What if I want to be in that position?
195
00:08:48,981 --> 00:08:50,531
Yeah, what if he wants to?
196
00:08:51,928 --> 00:08:53,493
Are you sure about this, Mitch?
197
00:08:53,518 --> 00:08:55,685
100%. It's part of the program.
198
00:08:55,710 --> 00:08:57,844
The program says that you
should invest in a bar?
199
00:08:57,869 --> 00:08:59,585
No, it says be of service,
200
00:08:59,610 --> 00:09:01,610
help others, get out of self.
201
00:09:01,856 --> 00:09:04,440
I'm your best friend, man.
202
00:09:04,690 --> 00:09:06,868
Let me take this ride with you.
203
00:09:08,620 --> 00:09:10,886
Damn it, Mitch. Thank you.
204
00:09:10,911 --> 00:09:13,828
Well, I'm gonna let you
two have some bro time.
205
00:09:13,853 --> 00:09:15,807
That's right. That's back in.
206
00:09:16,542 --> 00:09:19,186
I'm gonna go work on my mini TED talk.
207
00:09:19,211 --> 00:09:21,323
Topic: people who dress up
in spandex to ride their bike.
208
00:09:21,348 --> 00:09:22,731
Why can't I run them over?
209
00:09:24,254 --> 00:09:25,893
This is incredible!
210
00:09:25,918 --> 00:09:27,646
We're actually getting
to work together again.
211
00:09:27,671 --> 00:09:29,420
- The boys are back!
- Yeah!
212
00:09:29,445 --> 00:09:31,050
You cool if I have a beer to celebrate?
213
00:09:31,075 --> 00:09:33,275
- I would be pissed if you didn't.
- I got to hand it to you,
214
00:09:33,300 --> 00:09:36,051
you figuring out a way to get
Bonnie to not be mad at you...
215
00:09:36,076 --> 00:09:37,995
You do a TED Talk on that, let me know.
216
00:09:38,020 --> 00:09:40,554
It's the magic of
being on the same path.
217
00:09:40,579 --> 00:09:41,961
(grunts)
218
00:09:42,177 --> 00:09:43,476
You're smoking weed?
219
00:09:43,501 --> 00:09:44,834
I thought you were sober.
220
00:09:44,859 --> 00:09:46,112
I am.
221
00:09:48,968 --> 00:09:50,925
California sober.
222
00:09:51,944 --> 00:09:53,160
That's a thing?
223
00:09:53,185 --> 00:09:54,651
It's totally a thing.
224
00:09:54,676 --> 00:09:56,307
I d... I don't... I don't drink at all.
225
00:09:56,332 --> 00:09:58,215
But how can you be
sober if you're smoking?
226
00:09:58,240 --> 00:10:01,024
So, uh, 20 grand enough
to get things rolling?
227
00:10:01,049 --> 00:10:02,432
Let me get you an ashtray.
228
00:10:06,948 --> 00:10:08,864
CHRISTY: All right. Here we go.
229
00:10:08,889 --> 00:10:10,638
Quiet the mind.
230
00:10:10,663 --> 00:10:12,246
Yepper-Dee-doo.
231
00:10:12,271 --> 00:10:13,353
Why did I say that?
232
00:10:13,378 --> 00:10:15,128
That's not a quiet mind.
233
00:10:15,400 --> 00:10:18,112
(sighs) Okay, here we go.
234
00:10:18,965 --> 00:10:22,159
Ooh, can't forget that eye
appointment on Thursday.
235
00:10:22,261 --> 00:10:24,812
(groans) Stop it.
236
00:10:27,306 --> 00:10:29,807
♪ I come from a land down under ♪
237
00:10:29,832 --> 00:10:32,466
Where the hell did that come from?
238
00:10:32,491 --> 00:10:34,657
My knees hurt when I sit like this.
239
00:10:34,682 --> 00:10:36,432
That's probably cancer.
240
00:10:36,457 --> 00:10:38,207
Can you get knee cancer?
241
00:10:38,232 --> 00:10:39,732
MAN: Christy Plunkett,
242
00:10:39,757 --> 00:10:41,924
you are terrible at this.
243
00:10:42,098 --> 00:10:44,432
CHRISTY: That was my seventh
grade science teacher.
244
00:10:44,457 --> 00:10:45,873
What's he doing in here?
245
00:10:46,027 --> 00:10:47,576
MAN: Oh, I never left.
246
00:10:48,582 --> 00:10:49,498
Great.
247
00:10:49,817 --> 00:10:50,983
I'm mentally ill,
248
00:10:51,029 --> 00:10:52,315
and I have knee cancer.
249
00:10:54,525 --> 00:10:55,941
Hey, check it out.
250
00:10:55,966 --> 00:10:57,716
I ordered a new sign,
and the guy mocked up
251
00:10:57,749 --> 00:10:59,310
what it's gonna look
like on the building.
252
00:10:59,335 --> 00:11:00,635
Ooh, a neon barrel.
253
00:11:00,660 --> 00:11:02,043
That'll really draw a crowd.
254
00:11:02,068 --> 00:11:03,295
Yeah, and look at the negative space.
255
00:11:03,320 --> 00:11:04,353
It's my initials.
256
00:11:04,408 --> 00:11:05,791
I'm not getting that.
257
00:11:05,938 --> 00:11:07,188
What do you mean? "A" for Adam,
258
00:11:07,213 --> 00:11:08,546
"J" for Janikowski.
259
00:11:08,571 --> 00:11:09,495
I see a penis.
260
00:11:09,520 --> 00:11:11,654
What? What? No, it's clearly "A.J."
261
00:11:11,819 --> 00:11:13,402
Well, either way, it'll draw a crowd.
262
00:11:13,574 --> 00:11:15,659
Maybe two slightly different crowds.
263
00:11:17,023 --> 00:11:18,823
It's fun spending
Mitch's money, isn't it?
264
00:11:18,848 --> 00:11:21,722
You want fun? Wait'll I put
in those foam-less beer taps.
265
00:11:21,747 --> 00:11:23,413
Ooh. And a new ice maker.
266
00:11:23,438 --> 00:11:24,409
Yeah, and two more PayPoint systems.
267
00:11:24,434 --> 00:11:25,712
Yeah, and that necklace
we saw at the mall.
268
00:11:25,737 --> 00:11:27,046
Yeah... W-Wait, what?
269
00:11:27,266 --> 00:11:30,100
Come on, you got a neon penis.
270
00:11:30,125 --> 00:11:32,508
It's Mitch's money. But
as soon as we get our own,
271
00:11:32,551 --> 00:11:36,057
you can get a much smaller
version of that same necklace.
272
00:11:36,875 --> 00:11:38,374
It's crazy.
273
00:11:38,709 --> 00:11:40,208
Last time he was here,
274
00:11:40,233 --> 00:11:42,149
he was so loaded, he couldn't stand up.
275
00:11:42,174 --> 00:11:44,257
- Now he's a new man.
- Mm-hmm.
276
00:11:44,282 --> 00:11:46,626
Getting clean gave me
a second chance in life,
277
00:11:46,651 --> 00:11:48,151
it's giving him a second chance,
278
00:11:48,176 --> 00:11:50,176
and now it's giving
your bar a second chance.
279
00:11:50,201 --> 00:11:53,035
That is the power of sobriety.
280
00:11:54,330 --> 00:11:55,948
Yay, sobriety.
281
00:12:02,231 --> 00:12:04,214
Adam's new sign went up today.
282
00:12:04,239 --> 00:12:05,322
What do you see?
283
00:12:05,407 --> 00:12:06,907
- Penis.
- Penis.
284
00:12:06,932 --> 00:12:07,932
A.J.
285
00:12:07,957 --> 00:12:09,506
Penis.
286
00:12:10,035 --> 00:12:12,104
We see what we want to see.
287
00:12:12,377 --> 00:12:14,794
I so want to see a penis.
288
00:12:14,819 --> 00:12:16,809
Not yours, Barry. Keep moving.
289
00:12:18,203 --> 00:12:19,953
I was hoping Mitch was coming.
290
00:12:19,978 --> 00:12:22,276
I wanted to tell him he
inspired me to try meditating
291
00:12:22,301 --> 00:12:23,767
and I'm a new woman.
292
00:12:23,792 --> 00:12:25,604
20 minutes in the morning,
20 minutes at night,
293
00:12:25,628 --> 00:12:28,178
and I haven't had to go
to the shooting range once.
294
00:12:28,324 --> 00:12:30,074
Wait, what?
295
00:12:30,099 --> 00:12:32,015
You're meditating and it's working?
296
00:12:32,040 --> 00:12:33,205
Yeah, easy-peasy.
297
00:12:33,230 --> 00:12:35,614
And you only hear your
own voice in your head?
298
00:12:35,639 --> 00:12:37,389
Well, who else's voice
would I be hearing?
299
00:12:37,414 --> 00:12:38,580
I don't know.
300
00:12:38,605 --> 00:12:41,239
Maybe your seventh grade
teacher you had a crush on
301
00:12:41,264 --> 00:12:43,075
until you saw him at the
grocery store with his wife
302
00:12:43,100 --> 00:12:44,816
and then you cried for three weeks.
303
00:12:44,926 --> 00:12:46,592
Mr. Borger?
304
00:12:46,617 --> 00:12:48,657
I slept with that guy. You
weren't missing anything.
305
00:12:50,653 --> 00:12:53,487
The trick to meditating
is to develop a routine.
306
00:12:53,512 --> 00:12:56,300
After a 45-minute massage,
some chamomile tea,
307
00:12:56,325 --> 00:12:57,824
and a long soak in the hot tub,
308
00:12:57,970 --> 00:12:59,386
I go to my meditation room,
309
00:12:59,411 --> 00:13:01,091
get on top of some of
my big floor pillows,
310
00:13:01,116 --> 00:13:02,770
and just doze off.
311
00:13:03,298 --> 00:13:04,548
That's not meditating.
312
00:13:04,573 --> 00:13:05,906
That's taking a nap.
313
00:13:06,001 --> 00:13:07,167
Oh, what do you know?
314
00:13:07,192 --> 00:13:08,442
You can't even do it.
315
00:13:11,707 --> 00:13:13,040
Look at this!
316
00:13:13,075 --> 00:13:14,374
It's packed!
317
00:13:14,410 --> 00:13:15,709
The new sign's working, babe.
318
00:13:15,744 --> 00:13:17,711
The giant penis in the sky!
319
00:13:17,746 --> 00:13:20,263
If you erect it, they will come!
320
00:13:21,399 --> 00:13:23,693
This is for my pappy!
321
00:13:25,243 --> 00:13:26,993
- What's going on?
- Uh-oh.
322
00:13:27,172 --> 00:13:29,806
We may not have gotten
along on this Earth,
323
00:13:29,831 --> 00:13:32,164
but we'll be drinking buddies in hell.
324
00:13:32,261 --> 00:13:34,895
- To Pappy!
- OTHERS: To Pappy!
325
00:13:34,930 --> 00:13:36,313
Oh, my God, he's loaded.
326
00:13:36,338 --> 00:13:37,588
He relapsed.
327
00:13:37,744 --> 00:13:39,410
This is all my fault.
328
00:13:39,435 --> 00:13:42,436
What was I thinking, asking
him to invest in a bar?
329
00:13:42,461 --> 00:13:43,877
Hey, look!
330
00:13:44,084 --> 00:13:46,000
There's my bar partner.
331
00:13:46,025 --> 00:13:47,357
My bartner!
332
00:13:47,503 --> 00:13:49,386
What the hell is going on, Mitch?
333
00:13:49,411 --> 00:13:52,079
Mm, I'm trying to hug
you, but it's-it's hard,
334
00:13:52,114 --> 00:13:53,413
'cause of the chair.
335
00:13:53,449 --> 00:13:54,698
How do you do it?
336
00:13:54,783 --> 00:13:56,033
Let's get you some coffee.
337
00:13:56,118 --> 00:13:57,618
Coffee? (groans)
338
00:13:58,271 --> 00:13:59,847
Innkeeper!
339
00:13:59,872 --> 00:14:02,123
Work your alchemy!
340
00:14:02,708 --> 00:14:04,875
I met these guys in the bar at my hotel.
341
00:14:04,900 --> 00:14:06,186
They all work in insurance.
342
00:14:06,211 --> 00:14:08,795
Can you imagine? Kill me now.
343
00:14:08,820 --> 00:14:10,870
What happened to California sober?
344
00:14:10,895 --> 00:14:11,895
"California sober"?
345
00:14:11,920 --> 00:14:13,243
You know, he gets
high but doesn't drink.
346
00:14:13,268 --> 00:14:14,551
That's not a thing.
347
00:14:14,576 --> 00:14:15,613
You told me it was a thing.
348
00:14:15,638 --> 00:14:17,304
You knew it wasn't a thing.
349
00:14:17,449 --> 00:14:18,949
W... Wait,
350
00:14:18,974 --> 00:14:21,475
you knew he was smoking
pot and you didn't tell me?
351
00:14:21,500 --> 00:14:22,953
Well, by that time, we were partners,
352
00:14:22,978 --> 00:14:25,228
and then I ordered my penis sign.
353
00:14:25,375 --> 00:14:28,677
This is for my old ma!
354
00:14:28,702 --> 00:14:30,618
May she rest in peace,
355
00:14:30,953 --> 00:14:32,619
whenever she dies.
356
00:14:32,665 --> 00:14:33,964
She's in a home.
357
00:14:33,989 --> 00:14:35,789
I can't go. It's too depressing.
358
00:14:35,885 --> 00:14:38,540
- To Ma!
- OTHERS: To Ma!
359
00:14:39,355 --> 00:14:41,105
CHRISTY: Okay.
360
00:14:41,130 --> 00:14:42,963
Quiet the mind,
361
00:14:42,998 --> 00:14:45,427
quiet the mind.
362
00:14:46,319 --> 00:14:48,236
A peaceful lake.
363
00:14:48,470 --> 00:14:50,971
A gentle breeze.
364
00:14:53,509 --> 00:14:55,308
Is this it?
365
00:14:55,476 --> 00:14:56,911
Am I doing it?
366
00:14:57,372 --> 00:15:00,290
Look at me. I'm doing it.
367
00:15:00,315 --> 00:15:02,482
Suck it, Jill.
368
00:15:02,518 --> 00:15:04,901
(rapid knocking)
369
00:15:04,926 --> 00:15:06,296
LEANNE: Mitch!
370
00:15:06,321 --> 00:15:07,654
Bonnie!
371
00:15:07,679 --> 00:15:09,466
Bonnie's daughter!
372
00:15:09,491 --> 00:15:11,408
(knocking continues)
373
00:15:11,493 --> 00:15:13,827
And I'm no longer doing it.
374
00:15:13,852 --> 00:15:15,402
Hello?!
375
00:15:15,669 --> 00:15:16,998
Coming!
376
00:15:19,034 --> 00:15:21,168
Bonnie's daughter!
377
00:15:21,412 --> 00:15:24,921
Oh! I've missed you so much!
378
00:15:24,946 --> 00:15:25,946
You have?
379
00:15:25,971 --> 00:15:27,434
(chuckles) Don't you remember?
380
00:15:27,459 --> 00:15:29,139
We were gonna stay in
touch and be friends.
381
00:15:29,164 --> 00:15:32,263
I texted you, like, a
million, jillion times.
382
00:15:32,326 --> 00:15:34,042
I never gave you my number.
383
00:15:34,203 --> 00:15:35,662
Oh.
384
00:15:36,719 --> 00:15:39,584
Must've been a different Teresa.
385
00:15:39,937 --> 00:15:41,437
How 'bout you let go of me now?
386
00:15:41,640 --> 00:15:43,056
Oh. Sorry.
387
00:15:43,142 --> 00:15:44,524
Sorry, Teresa.
388
00:15:44,571 --> 00:15:46,370
Oh!
389
00:15:46,395 --> 00:15:48,729
I got to be honest with you,
390
00:15:49,084 --> 00:15:51,412
I've had a few drinks.
391
00:15:52,201 --> 00:15:53,617
Yes, I know.
392
00:15:53,702 --> 00:15:56,536
I think I got drunk from our hug.
393
00:15:56,572 --> 00:16:00,323
Wouldn't it be great
if it worked that way?
394
00:16:00,974 --> 00:16:02,576
Anyway,
395
00:16:02,661 --> 00:16:05,318
thanks for coming over.
396
00:16:06,475 --> 00:16:08,225
You came over here.
397
00:16:08,250 --> 00:16:10,383
And please tell me you didn't drive.
398
00:16:10,479 --> 00:16:12,529
No, no, I boobered.
399
00:16:12,554 --> 00:16:15,593
That's when you get in a cab and
you show the driver your boobs
400
00:16:15,618 --> 00:16:18,035
instead of paying.
401
00:16:18,317 --> 00:16:20,233
Where's Mitch?!
402
00:16:21,563 --> 00:16:23,230
He owes me money!
403
00:16:23,545 --> 00:16:25,899
And why are you sleeping with him,
404
00:16:25,934 --> 00:16:27,484
you nasty skank?!
405
00:16:27,629 --> 00:16:29,379
Oh!
406
00:16:29,404 --> 00:16:30,771
How'd we get here?
407
00:16:30,796 --> 00:16:32,049
I told you!
408
00:16:32,074 --> 00:16:33,740
Boober!
409
00:16:35,504 --> 00:16:37,387
I'm s... I'm sorry.
410
00:16:37,412 --> 00:16:39,412
Sambuca makes me mean.
411
00:16:39,448 --> 00:16:41,107
You want some?
412
00:16:41,950 --> 00:16:43,083
Easy, easy.
413
00:16:43,118 --> 00:16:45,095
It's a $1,200 sweater.
414
00:16:45,771 --> 00:16:47,504
You were never sober, were you?
415
00:16:47,589 --> 00:16:48,505
Sure, I was.
416
00:16:48,530 --> 00:16:50,447
When I was nine.
417
00:16:50,592 --> 00:16:52,425
You went to a meeting with us!
418
00:16:52,461 --> 00:16:53,844
Why'd you lie?
419
00:16:53,929 --> 00:16:55,685
I want you to like me.
420
00:16:56,917 --> 00:16:58,365
Is it working?
421
00:17:00,302 --> 00:17:02,490
Hey!
422
00:17:02,515 --> 00:17:05,378
Stanley Tucci gave me this sweater!
423
00:17:05,474 --> 00:17:07,691
The Tooch!
424
00:17:07,776 --> 00:17:09,693
Larry said you didn't
charge any of those people
425
00:17:09,718 --> 00:17:11,255
for their drinks. What are you doing?
426
00:17:11,280 --> 00:17:12,863
Listen to me, listen to me.
427
00:17:12,948 --> 00:17:14,364
(sputters)
428
00:17:14,389 --> 00:17:16,306
Listen to me. (coughs)
429
00:17:16,346 --> 00:17:18,513
- We're listening!
- I have an idea.
430
00:17:18,654 --> 00:17:21,121
I was in a bar in Prague,
431
00:17:21,156 --> 00:17:23,707
and they had hookers.
432
00:17:23,732 --> 00:17:26,983
And people seemed to like it.
433
00:17:27,129 --> 00:17:30,046
- (patrons clamoring)
- (glass shatters)
434
00:17:30,132 --> 00:17:32,082
Oh, great. My first brawl.
435
00:17:33,335 --> 00:17:34,335
I'm just saying,
436
00:17:34,419 --> 00:17:36,553
no one fights in a hooker bar.
437
00:17:38,140 --> 00:17:40,757
Mitch, you miserable prick!
438
00:17:40,782 --> 00:17:42,331
You broke my heart!
439
00:17:42,356 --> 00:17:43,556
That's not Mitch!
440
00:17:43,581 --> 00:17:44,788
I'm not Mitch.
441
00:17:44,813 --> 00:17:46,646
You're not Mitch.
442
00:17:47,095 --> 00:17:48,478
What's she doing here?
443
00:17:48,503 --> 00:17:50,014
She showed up at our
apartment looking for Mitch.
444
00:17:50,039 --> 00:17:51,784
I figured if I brought her down here,
445
00:17:51,809 --> 00:17:53,642
she'd cease to be my problem.
446
00:17:55,021 --> 00:17:56,333
Forget about Mitch.
447
00:17:56,358 --> 00:17:57,741
I like you now.
448
00:17:57,766 --> 00:18:00,279
Everybody, I like Not Mitch!
449
00:18:02,526 --> 00:18:04,159
And now she's his problem.
450
00:18:04,857 --> 00:18:07,167
Oh, I feel so safe here.
451
00:18:07,202 --> 00:18:09,177
What are we drinking?
452
00:18:10,537 --> 00:18:12,505
I can't believe I fell for this again.
453
00:18:12,541 --> 00:18:13,840
Well, to be fair,
454
00:18:13,876 --> 00:18:16,426
I am a Hollywood-level liar.
455
00:18:16,511 --> 00:18:17,878
Well, I should know better,
456
00:18:17,963 --> 00:18:19,880
because I'm whatever's
worse than Hollywood.
457
00:18:19,905 --> 00:18:22,372
Nothing's worse than Hollywood.
458
00:18:22,397 --> 00:18:24,684
As much as I want to
strangle you right now,
459
00:18:24,720 --> 00:18:26,770
I can't, because I am you.
460
00:18:26,855 --> 00:18:28,605
Well, I was you.
461
00:18:28,690 --> 00:18:31,779
A drunk tornado ripping
through people's lives.
462
00:18:31,804 --> 00:18:35,055
They wanted me to direct Sharknado 3.
463
00:18:35,137 --> 00:18:36,386
Shut up!
464
00:18:36,411 --> 00:18:39,990
I'm taking the high
road, you toxic cesspool!
465
00:18:41,036 --> 00:18:42,118
(exhales)
466
00:18:42,143 --> 00:18:44,226
(inhales deeply)
467
00:18:47,711 --> 00:18:49,678
What I meant to say was...
468
00:18:51,380 --> 00:18:53,213
... as long as you're drinking,
469
00:18:53,248 --> 00:18:55,298
I don't want you in our lives.
470
00:18:55,701 --> 00:18:58,635
No calling, no e-mailing, no texting.
471
00:18:58,660 --> 00:19:00,717
What about Chapsnatch?
472
00:19:01,089 --> 00:19:03,263
Nothing. No contact.
473
00:19:04,092 --> 00:19:07,779
But if you ever sincerely want help...
474
00:19:09,573 --> 00:19:11,193
I'll be here for you.
475
00:19:12,734 --> 00:19:15,151
Ah. (chuckles)
476
00:19:15,385 --> 00:19:17,950
I see where this is going.
477
00:19:20,404 --> 00:19:22,571
Who's a pretty pony?
478
00:19:23,662 --> 00:19:25,248
(sputters)
479
00:19:26,198 --> 00:19:27,447
Adam.
480
00:19:27,472 --> 00:19:29,881
(grunting)
481
00:19:30,857 --> 00:19:33,286
You were always the good one.
482
00:19:33,433 --> 00:19:35,933
Why'd I stop sleeping with you?
483
00:19:35,958 --> 00:19:37,340
What happened to us?
484
00:19:37,486 --> 00:19:39,519
Give her a minute. She'll come back.
485
00:19:39,544 --> 00:19:41,326
What's your name?
486
00:19:42,740 --> 00:19:45,015
Leanne, y-you got to get off me.
487
00:19:45,040 --> 00:19:47,290
My fiancée has a temper.
488
00:19:47,315 --> 00:19:48,480
Adam!
489
00:19:48,505 --> 00:19:50,131
Bonnie hit me!
490
00:19:50,973 --> 00:19:52,435
See?
491
00:19:53,201 --> 00:19:54,584
Mitch!
492
00:19:54,609 --> 00:19:56,474
Leanne?!
493
00:19:57,709 --> 00:19:59,612
Why'd she hit you?
494
00:19:59,648 --> 00:20:01,314
No reason.
495
00:20:01,339 --> 00:20:03,422
Seriously? We should all be hitting him.
496
00:20:04,376 --> 00:20:05,826
You poor thing.
497
00:20:05,880 --> 00:20:07,630
I know, right?
498
00:20:08,529 --> 00:20:09,956
I miss you.
499
00:20:10,615 --> 00:20:12,137
I love you.
500
00:20:12,577 --> 00:20:14,544
I love you, too.
501
00:20:14,629 --> 00:20:16,746
(grunts)
502
00:20:16,832 --> 00:20:18,415
Let's make a baby.
503
00:20:18,440 --> 00:20:19,990
It's true love. (grunts)
504
00:20:22,213 --> 00:20:25,464
What's wrong with me
that I'm jealous of them?
505
00:20:25,720 --> 00:20:28,054
(moaning)
506
00:20:33,385 --> 00:20:36,420
Cosmopolitan, you've done it again.
507
00:20:37,025 --> 00:20:38,633
Believe it or not, this time,
508
00:20:38,658 --> 00:20:39,990
Redbook.
509
00:20:40,892 --> 00:20:42,431
- Really?
- Yep.
510
00:20:42,456 --> 00:20:46,119
Right next to an article
about one-pot winter meals.
511
00:20:46,634 --> 00:20:48,708
(laughing)
512
00:20:49,166 --> 00:20:51,400
- I love you.
- I love you, too.
513
00:20:51,425 --> 00:20:53,558
Mitch's check bounced.
514
00:20:54,110 --> 00:20:55,579
Go again.
35521
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