Original subtitles

[ Pipe organ playing ]

[ Horn honking ]

"Sun-telegram," please.

[ Bell rings ]

Come get your book.

It's Mr. Man wearing suit.

Go on, Mr. Suit man. Big up, Mr. Suit man!

Oh, it's Mr. Man reading book. He's a smart man.

He's a Mr. Book man. Respect book man. Big up!

Good morning, Johnny.

I have some goodies for you.

First, the latest from the hit parade.

Then, the Jerome kern song you requested.

♪ So, always look for the silver lining... ♪

♪ And try to find ♪

♪ the sunny side of life ♪

Oh, fine. Just fine, Victor.

Have the Rudolph friml records arrived yet?

Oh, I'm expecting them any day now.

Great. Will you charge these to my account?

Thanks, Victor.

Woman: Look at this. What is this?

This is boring. I can't do anything with this.

When we agreed to show you at the gallery,

your work was fresh and exciting.

Like the grey series, now that was really something.

[ Heavy accent ] I don't feel grey anymore.

I don't have time for you

and your pretentious artist bullshit.

I'm trying to run a business.

I've a responsibility to the owners of the ubuwa

to showcase important New York artists.

And you've given me nothing I can use.

Fabrice would never treat me like this.

Never!

Well, then, go back to fabrice.

But give me something challenging.

Challenge me.

Good morning, Samantha.

How was the Van gogh of noho?

The less said, the better.

Man: Telegram.

Telegram?

Are you Samantha winter?

Mm-yeah.

Oh, sign here.

So, you live around here?

"Dearest Samantha-- stop.

Let's hit the town tonight and drag a sock-- stop.

Thinking of you-- stop. Johnny."

Ah, why don't you respond by pony express?

At least I have a boyfriend, Richard.

Go ahead, kick me while I'm down.

Hiya, ace.

Mother: What have I told you?

Johnny?

Hiya, chief, what's the lowdown?

Let's put this over. Good morning, Ms. Moseley.

It's about the government cover-up story.

I can't wait to start.

I've to give this story to Murphy.

Great. Hi, how are the kids?

Now you don't have anything to do--

don't worry, I've got a story to whet your whistle.

Mr. Meyerscholtz, I personally guarantee

we will scoop the journal-American on this one.

The journal-American?

Johnny, this is Timothy burns.

Hiya, tough guy, your friends call you Timmy?

- Tim. - Tim is the new photographer.

Oh, you need a ball of fire

to show this cake-eater everything of a modern newspaper.

Well, that's me all over. Okay, timbo, here's what's what.

You're wet behind the ears,

stick with me and everything will be Jake.

You have to be kidding.

Johnny, Johnny...

Johnny: You and me, we've to work together...

As a team. The reporter and his photographer.

Like steak and eggs, Montgomery and stone...

Laverne and Shirley.

Don't change the subject.

Why, we'll be working side by side.

Through long hours into the night,

seven nights a week.

How'll your partner feel about that?

You are my partner, Tim guy.

No, are you seeing anyone right now?

Well, there is a special someone in my life.

A warm, tender loving soul.

Not one of these fly-by-night pippins.

I'm talking the bee's knees--

Samantha.

Wait, you're dating a Samantha?

I know what you're thinking, every fellow needs a gal.

Even a hard working newspaper man like myself.

- I just assumed-- - they thought Lindy was lucky.

I feel slap-happy all over.

In just 27 days, I've come to--

- 27? - Grand and glorious days.

One whole month and I haven't even gotten past first base.

I thought you liked him?

I do like him.

So, what are you waiting for?

I am not waiting for anything. I am ready.

He's charming and considerate.

But you ain't getting busy.

Exactly.

Samantha, guys are stupid.

You've gotta give 'em directions so they can find their way home.

You do, I mean, hey, it goes without saying.

That's written. That's a written rule.

Wait, where are we going?

We're paying a call on Samantha.

She works here?

Oh, don't look now.

It's zeppo Marx.

[ Samantha chuckling ] Richard!

Samantha, dear,

I hope you don't mind my visit here.

Of course not, Johnny.

Gee, you look swell.

Oh, Samantha, meet my new right arm.

What are you doing here?

I'm working.

Prostituting your talents for a newspaper?

You know all about prostitutes.

Oh, you two know each other?

Johnny, i--

sorry to break the reunion. We've got to take the air.

Timmy's got to get up to snuff to be a big-time photographer.

So, be dolled up tonight.

I'll pop by around 9:00 and we'll go button shining.

[ Chuckles ] Okay.

You're the limit.

[ Kiss ]

Something, you knowing Richard.

Yeah, we live-- used to live together.

Roommates, huh? Cut down on expenses.

That's using the old noodle.

The money you save isn't worth living with a drama queen.

Oh, so he's a theatrical fellow?

You could call it that.

I'd just say he's burned up

that Samantha's gaga for me instead of him.

What are you talking about?

Some guys are just lucky, that's all.

I don't think so.

Samantha and I are in seventh heaven.

You ready?

Johnny, please, I know what I'm doing.

Now you're talking, confidence.

Ladies and gentlemen...

Welcome to the opening of the new gramercy park library.

[ Instrumental "the library opening" plays ]

[ Applause ]

So, how does it feel? First day on the payroll.

Great.

I still remember my first assignment.

Exhilarating.

Dude, what's your problem?

You cover some bullshit story, you think it's Watergate.

This whole thing is stupid.

Nobody reads the "sun-telegram" anyway.

I just took this job for the money.

Oh, I see. You think the world owes you a living.

You feel for that, hook, line and sinker.

Why aren't there goddamn taxis in this town?

This is a fine way to treat a fella.

Tim! Timmy!

Can't you and me get together?

Let's go to luncheon, my treat.

Fine!

Let me just grab a dim box. [ Whistles ]

Oh, I'm so hungry I could eat the hip off a horse.

I'll have the chopped beef and onion with coffee.

Tim-Tim, order whatever you want,

the sky's the limit.

I'll have a mixed green salad, dressing on the side.

And an herbal tea.

You ought to have some meat with food,

a growing boy like you.

- That stuff will kill you. - Banana oil.

[Instrumental music]

Hey, baby.

You lost?

No.

Whatcha got there, drugs?

Leave me alone!

Hey, get off of me!

[ Screaming ]

What are you doing? Leave it. It's none of your business.

Hey, get off of me!

That's enough, you two.

Mind your business, "dick Tracy."

Oh, a wise guy.

I ought to send you right out on your ear.

Put that away before I shove it down your throat.

Let's go, bitch!

Hey, my bike!

Timmy, go find a flatfoot to help this young lady.

A what?

Oh, yeah.

Some fellas think they can get fresh with a girl.

Thank you, so much.

Think nothing of it.

Those yellow bellied cads needed a good slap.

You, um...

Um, aren't you Johnny twennies?

You column really inspires me.

Oh, is that a fact?

Yeah. It helps me get through the day.

What is it you do exactly?

I deliver prescriptions for this drug store...

But that's only temporary.

I have plans.

Yeah. That's swell.

One day, I'm going to sing at the metropolitan opera.

That sounds grand. Where did you study?

- Well, I haven't exactly-- - oh, a natural, huh?

Do prefer singing German or Italian?

I know a little Spanish.

Well, I think you're going places.

I've got a good feeling about this one.

You do?

So, what composers do you like?

Oh, all the biggies. Irving Berlin,

Vincent youmans, George gershwin,

how about you?

Verdi, puccini, rossini.

Oh, you're like my mother.

You go in for the long-hair stuff, huh?

Yeah, I guess so.

Ah, good work, Timmy.

Well, see you at the opera, kid.

Woman: Taxi.

Snap it up, tiny Tim.

We've got to put this day to rest.

You're not finished yet? You've got five minutes.

You wouldn't want me to rush, boss,

I might make a mistake.

Where is what's his name, Tim?

- Hey, Tim soldier? - Is he any good?

He's an ace, boss. We make a swell team. Never you fear.

Here you go.

A library opening?

Sorry I took so long.

I had to get the contrast right.

What the hell is this?

Come on, Timmy, let's have it.

Have what?

What else you got?

The speaker? The crowds, what?

No.

Are you on the level?

You mean, you stood there this afternoon

and didn't take a single snapshot?

I took lots of shots.

But the lady, the ribbon--

you're saying you missed the slicing of the ribbon?

- Yes! - Oh, why me?

This is a nice mess.

Your very first assignment, a washout.

I'm not talking through my hat...

You've to buckle down and get corking

otherwise the world'll pass you by.

- This was a big story-- - you know what, Johnny?

I'm a photographer, an artist.

I don't need this human interest bullshit.

So you can take your story, and take your paper,

and take your ribbon, and shove 'em up your ass!

Well, you gotta like the kid's moxie.

This is all you need to know. No fuckups this time.

Don't worry.

Don't tell me "don't fucking worry."

It worries me.

Take it easy, tyrus.

Haven't I always come through for you?

I'll believe when I see it

in fucking black and white.

Hey, you, er...

You got any stuff? 'Cause I'm a little short...

...right now.

This is an advance.

Cool.

Who's next?

I've got two more.

"Newsday" and "sun-telegram."

M'sieur twennies. Wonderful to see you.

And who is the lovely lady?

Samantha winter, meet Francis.

It's nice to meet you.

The pleasure is mine.

How's your mother doing?

Oh, just fine, Francis. Thank you for asking.

[ Snaps fingers ]

If you just follow Louie.

[ Band plays "dancing in the dark" ]

Johnny, you're looking good.

Hiya, Lester.

The usual, Louie. This time for two.

Johnny, this is wonderful.

Sure, it's the swellest speak in town.

A toast. To you, Samantha.

I went into this with my eyes open,

and now I'm seeing nothing but stars.

Oh, now I did it. Excuse me, my darling.

I shan't be a moment.

- Hiya, Chester. - Hello, Mr. Twennies.

Would you believe what an oaf I am?

You nervous or something?

As a matter of fact, it's this girl.

I mean, blue plate special all the way.

I don't wanna gum up the works.

No, sir.

She's not one of those everyday flappers.

She's like a held girl from the cover of "smart set."

Bobbed hair and chi-fa-fa on the side.

I don't want her to think I'm a rounder.

No problem.

Just look her in the eyes and say "I'm crazy about you."

It worked for me and Mrs. Chester.

Well, thanks.

Johnny, hey. I haven't seen you around the club lately.

Don't take it so hard. I've got lots on my mind.

- Cigarette, Johnny? - I'm loaded.

I get off around 1:30.

Good for you and 1:30.

I thought about maybe having a drink.

Nothing doing. Why don't you put in with Joey varona?

He had eyes on you.

Are you kiddin'? Joey's a pig.

Besides, he doesn't have that adorable chin, either.

Alright, none of that. I'm taken, see?

Now, scram, you ten-cent glamour girl.

I have some herbal cigarettes, too, Johnny.

So, who was that girl you were talking to?

Just some dame.

Listen, sweetheart,

there's something I want to tell you.

I'm crazy about you.

Yes?

Uh, let's say we fidget the digit.

[ Band plays "Mississippi mud" ]

And how about that Theodore dreiser? What a writer.

Oh, I know who you're talking about. Theodore dreiser...

He was "Dr. Seuss, right?

Not sure. Don't think he was a doctor.

No, I'm pretty sure. "One fish, two fish,

red fish, blue fish."

Then again, he's no sinclair Lewis.

Well, here we are.

Yes, well, goodnight.

Oh, ouch! Ouch! What is it?

I think I twisted my ankle. All that dancing.

Let me help you. Everything's going to be hunky-dory.

Ow!

See? You're home free.

Um... help me to the sofa.

Thanks, Johnny, I'm so glad you're here.

Well, until tomorrow.

Uh... how about a drink?

Oh, I'm not sure.

See? Your ankle's almost better.

[ Romantic music plays ]

I only had one clean glass.

So, we'll have to share.

Maybe I should take a rain check.

Uh, Johnny... Can you undo me?

Oh, Johnny, I want you.

That's funny. Uncle Sam wants me.

I want my little gob, everybody wants something.

[ Samantha screams ]

Samantha! I don't know what to say?

What is it, Johnny. Don't you like me?

Sure, I like you, baby. You make me all goofy.

But this is not decent.

Just tell me the truth. What is really going on here?

I'm not exactly sure of that myself.

Are you gay?

Of course I'm gay. I'm gay as a day in may.

You know what I mean.

I mean, don't you like girls?

Why sure I like girls. I like all kinds of people.

I'm just good-natured.

Oh, my god. I mean, that's cool.

It's just I never imagined... So, you're bi?

Well, I'm by myself most of the time,

except when I'm with you.

That's it, get out.

What is it, baby? Ain't we got fun?

I just want you to make love to me.

That's all I want too, sweetheart.

That's it?

That's it.

I can't do this anymore.

I've got to keep some dignity.

May I call on you tomorrow?

No!

[ Knock on door ]

We're here to talk business.

Say, what's the gag?

We work for someone who wants to make you a proposal.

A proposal?

Sorry, but I'm already spoken for.

Look, Johnny, we know the kind of crap you write in that paper.

What are you? Maxwell Perkins?

Who's Maxwell Perkins?

There is no Maxwell Perkins.

He's fucking with US.

So, who's Maxwell Perkins?

Tomorrow you're going to run a story that says,

"Elijah pitt, drowned in the Hudson."

You got me all wrong, brother.

I'm a newspaper man, not an undertaker.

So fucking stubborn, Johnny.

You're a Taurus, right?

Squid, please!

- I'm just saying-- - shut the fuck up!

You want me to leave you alone

while you finish this lover's quarrel?

I don't have time for this bullshit.

What's your price? Mr. Pitt is willing to pay.

- Elijah pitt? - Yeah, that's right.

Elijah pitt can go suck a lemon.

Don't fuck with Mr. Pitt!

Get your paws off me. For two cents, i'd--

you'd what!?

That was fucking stupid.

Hey, don't you guys know when you're being kidded?

Take it easy.

You'll get a square deal from me, no fooling.

You'll do it?

Sure I will.

I just need to jot down some particulars.

Fine.

Would you mind handing me that note pad?

Tell your boyfriend to drop the pop gun

before somebody gets popped.

Now, get smart.

Nobody's going to play me for a sucker. See?

Climb back into whatever hole you came out of

if I don't see you again it'll be too soon.

Mr. Pitt won't like this.

So far, I don't like your Mr. Pitt, either.

Now beat it, both of you.

What a day.

[ Instrumental music ]

[ Horn blows ]

Good morning, master twennies.

Oh, Hastings!

[ Sighs ]

She's back?

Oh, dear.

Do you want to call a taxi?

No need to, sir.

I brought the car.

Mother's car?

[ Instrumental music ]

I am having a dinner party, tonight at 8:00,

where you will meet a miss dottie lausenger,

a lovely young debutante.

The lausengers and I have decided

that a wedding would be fortuitous.

Mother!

The lausengers are one of the most important families

in New York.

But, mother, I already have a girlfriend.

A "girl friend"?

How could you have a "girl friend"?"

Do I know her? Have I met her?

Who is she?

Her name is Samantha.

Does she have a last name?

Winter. Samantha winter.

Winter...

I never heard of them.

Mother.

- "Winter"... - Mother.

"Winter"...

Not everyone is listed in the social register, you know?

They do not exist.

For crying out loud, mother. I'm crazy about Samantha.

I do not believe there is any such person as Samantha winter.

You are simply trying to avoid meeting miss lausenger.

Apple sauce.

John!

Sorry, mother.

Why don't you bring the alleged "miss winter"

this evening, so I can meet her?

Fine.

Actually, I can't.

Why not?

Either you bring "miss winter" to my dinner this evening,

or you shall be seated next to miss lausenger tonight,

and every night thereafter.

[ Instrumental music ]

Hello, Johnny.

Hiya, bartlett, how's tricks?

Never better.

Hiya, Mike, where's Timmy?

Haven't seen him.

Hey, Johnny, there's a girl here to see you.

Hiya, kid. What's the angle?

Say, what's the matter, something in your eye?

Johnny, I'm sorry. I didn't know who else I could go to.

Here.

It can't be as bad as all that.

It is. I lost my job at the drug store.

The pharmacist blamed me for the stolen bicycle.

So, that's what, huh?

I ought to give that guy a sock in the nose.

Well, when you're given lemons, make lemonade.

Come along, kid.

Everything's going to be right as rain.

Ooh, just one second.

Yukon, 1927, please.

Uh, no. Yukon, 1927.

Just give me the ubuwa gallery.

The ubuwa gallery.

What am I, Noah Webster?

Fine.

[ Telephone ringing ]

Excuse me.

Ubuwa.

Oh, it's you.

I know we're on the skids, I wanna make it up to you.

Oh, is that right?

I want you to meet my mother.

Your what?

Well, she's heard so much about you.

Were you not listening last night?

Did I not make it very clear that this is not working out?

Well, I forgive you.

You forgive--?

Oh, alright.

You're a doll.

Johnny?

Gotta go.

Coming, Mr. Meyerscholtz.

I'll be back in a jiffy.

Johnny twennies, what a fucking asshole.

Could you give me the horoscopes?

What?

Johnny, this is Mr. Harold durant.

He's the new owner of the "sun-telegram."

Oh, glad to know you.

And Mr. Durant has a two-year plan.

For putting the "sun-telegram" back on top.

Oh, that's telling 'em.

The point is....

Certain elements aren't part of the plan.

And your column,

well, we need the advertising space.

Johnny, I'm going to have to let you go.

But you've still got severance pay...

You've got 14 weeks of vacation time coming to you.

I'm sorry.

[ Telephone ringing ]

Listen, chief, I'm a newspaper man.

Neither you nor some jelly bean can take that away from me.

I've got a story that's a panic.

It'll double your circulation, triple it, even.

Johnny, I don't know.

Oh, it's a yarn, I tell ya.

I'm supposed to avoid confrontations,

my therapist says.

Okay, Johnny, you get one more chance.

You won't regret it.

But, if that story isn't on my desk by 8:00,

I'll personally come to your house and strangle you.

Timmy, you're here.

I've to deliver a story, or my goose is cooked.

I came to pick up my stuff.

- What do you mean? - I'm quitting, Johnny.

- I'm through with this shit. - Oh, so that's the game.

Throw in the towel when it starts getting too rough.

I don't need your deprecation.

Okay, Mr. Dictionary. That's how you want to play?

Look, Timmy, I'll level with you.

I'm onto a big scoop, I need you to do it right.

Forget it, Johnny.

This story'll make your career.

How could you walk away from that?

Watch me.

Okay, kid. Let US take an ankle excursion.

Johnny, what a pleasant surprise.

I didn't expect you back here this week.

Unfortunately, the Rudolph friml records have not come in yet.

That's fine. Mr. Victor young, I'd like you to meet Ms....

Clemens. Virginia clemens.

Good day, Ms. Clemens.

Ms. Clemens needs a break here.

I thought maybe you could give her a job.

She's topheavy with talent.

She knows bruckner from brahms and everything.

Oh, I don't know. My son helps out during the day.

Oh, Milo.

Then again, Milo could use some help.

Now you're talking.

See, kid? Looks like things are looking up.

[ Piano playing ]

♪ Life was a song ♪

♪ you came along ♪

♪ I've laid awake ♪

♪ the whole night through ♪

♪ if I but dared ♪

♪ to think you cared ♪

♪ this is what ♪

♪ I'd say to yoo-hoo... ♪

Here, buy yourself some singin' lessons.

[ Upbeat tempo ]

♪ Oh, honey you were meant for me ♪

♪ and I was meant for you ♪

♪ nature fashioned you and when she was done ♪

♪ you were all the sweet things rolled up into one ♪

♪ you're like a plaintive melody ♪

♪ that never lets me free ♪

♪ for I'm content the angels must have sent you ♪

♪ and they meant you just for me ♪

Hey, I'm a regular arden and ohman.

Yeah, man.

[ Dixieland style jazz ]

[ Singing operatic style ]

An angel!

♪ You're like a plaintive melody ♪

♪ that never lets me free ♪

♪ for I'm content the angels must have sent you ♪

♪ and they meant you just for me ♪

♪ oh, I'm content the angels must have sent you ♪

♪ and they meant you just for me. ♪

Bella, Bella!

My dear. Where do you perform?

- Where? - Nowhere.

Nowhere? A catastrophe.

But soon to be mended.

I beg your pardon, but I am senor navarro.

You've heard of me?

Oui!

And I'm here in your country to discover talent...

To sing at la scala.

You must, you must audition for me this very day.

Really? Do you really mean that?

Do i-- do i-- do i-- do I?

Bella, Bella, Bella.

Beautiful.

I want you to come to my suite at the Milton Plaza at 3pm sharp.

[ Popping sounds ] Ciao!

Bella, Bella, Bella, Bella, Bella...

Ah, you're on your way, pidge.

Johnny, thank you so much for everything.

All in a day's work.

Young love.

Tough luck.

Hey, Johnny. Remember US?

Does a banker remember a bad check?

Mr. Pitt has decided to renegotiate your contract.

You write the story, he lets you live.

There's a deadline.

Listen, you fucking piece of shit!

If this doesn't go like clockwork,

I'll permanently fuck you up.

You got that?

You keep riding me like this,

you're going to have to pay the fare.

Motherfucker!

Okay, Johnny, no more games.

Either write the fucking story...

- Yes! Yes! - What?

Are you going to write the goddamn story or not?

Yes!

Good.

First I need a meeting with Mr. Pitt.

What the fuck for?

To give the story a sense of reality.

No meeting, no dice.

Fine.

White knuckle bar, 5:00.

And Johnny...

I hope you told your girlfriend you love her,

because if you try anything,

I'm going to skull-fuck her until she cries "hail Mary."

Don't you touch her.

You got a lot of anger issues.

The use of negative space

has been prevalent in his work since the mid '80s.

This represents his most recent developments.

As a matter of fact,

in last month's "art digest"--

excuse me one moment.

Johnny, what are you doing?

I'm incognito.

- Hey, Johnny. - Rats.

Samantha, about tonight--

I know. I'm sorry to snap at you earlier.

I've been a little... Tense lately.

- I can't make it tonight. - What?

I think it's best if we call the whole thing quits.

What?!

You called in morning to beg for my forgiveness,

and now you're dumping me?

I think you owe me an explanation.

It's for your own protection, see?

I'm being chiseled by these mobsters and I'm afraid your life may be in danger.

This is complete bullshit.

If you're seeing someone else, just tell me.

You don't have to make up some stupid story.

Samantha! I can't believe you'd suggest such a thing.

I'm on the up and up.

Honest Indian, I'm heading for the police right now.

Well...

Goodbye.

What's it this time? Aa meeting?

He's being chased by the mob.

That's points for originality.

What's up with him?

I don't know, but I'm going to find out.

[ Instrumental music ]

[ Music continues ]

[ Mills brothers singing "diga diga doo" ]

♪ Zulu man is feelin' blue ♪

♪ hear his heart beat a little tattoo ♪

♪ diga diga doo, diga doo doo ♪

♪ diga diga doo, diga doo ♪

♪ you love me and I love you ♪

♪ and when you love it is natural to... ♪

♪ Diga diga doo, diga doo doo ♪

♪ diga diga doo, diga doo ♪

♪ I'm so very diga diga doo by nature ♪

♪ if you don't say diga diga ♪

♪ to your mate you're gonna lose a papa ♪

♪ so let those funny people smile ♪

♪ how can there be a virgin isle ♪

♪ diga diga doo, diga doo doo ♪

♪ diga diga doo, diga doo ♪

[ Song continues ]

[ Song continues ]

[ Police radio ]

Can you help me, miss? I'm buying a gift.

He likes classical music.

Well, if it's someone you know, but don't like,

get him Wagner.

If it's someone you like, but don't know,

get him schubert's trout quintet.

And if it's someone you like,

but would like to get to know better...

- Well... - Yes?

There's only one choice.

Chopin's piano concerto no. 2.

You know how sometimes there's things you want to say

but can't quite say them?

Well, this music speaks the feelings

you wish you were able to say.

Really?

It's like Johnny twennies column in the "sun-telegram."

He says, "act first and have second thoughts second."

I never thought of it like that.

I'll take it.

Oh! Mr. Young, I have to get ready for my audition.

Break a leg.

[ Crashing sound ]

Not you, Milo!

Let's not go through this again, Richard.

You said you wanted a change, but you said "temporary."

This does not look very temporary to me.

This is what you wanted, remember?

Why does everything have to be an issue?

It's not an issue, it's a discussion.

Banana oil!

- What did you say? - Nothing.

Just finish packing.

I don't want to.

Don't start, Richard. This is hard enough, okay?

Look...

It doesn't have to be like--

[ buzzer sounds ]

Go.

Hiya, timrod. Mind if I come in?

Johnny, now is not the best time.

Listen, I'm in a pickle.

I tried to go to the cops, but they're no help.

I already told you I quit.

I heard you the first time, you don't have to shout.

Richard, what are you doing here?

Moving day.

Johnny, please.

Seriously, Timmy, one favor, and I'll get.

For old times' sake.

"Old times"?

Don't expect him to remember old times.

He has a short-term memory.

Look, we tried, okay?

We said this was going to be a trial.

A trial by Franz kafka.

Just... get your stuff and go.

Here's what's what.

I'm to meet mob boss at 5:00,

I want you to take some pictures of him,

but on the sly.

- "Mob boss"? - That's the idea.

Do you spend all day watching old movies on cable?

Do you even get cable?

Sure, I get cables all the time.

Why, just last week--

I don't know, it sounds like

pulitzer prize material to me.

That's the spirit.

Alright, I'll do it.

Atta-boy! Now here's how we make it stick.

Lady, the meter's running.

Shut up.

[ Instrumental music ]

Follow that cab!

You've got to be kidding.

Follow the goddamn cab!

[ Instrumental music ]

Hiya, kid! You're looking great!

You think so?

Sure. Why, I bet you must have oodles of gentlemen callers.

Now, don't tell me there isn't some fella who's stuck on you.

Well, there's someone I sort of like.

Well, that's just ducky.

May I help you?

I'm Virginia clemens, I'm here to audition for Mr. Navarro.

Senor navarro will see you now.

Hiya, big guy. Circus in town?

Who are you, the agent?

Me? No, I'm just an interested party.

I'm Maurice, senor navarro's associate.

This way, please.

Virginia: Thank you.

"Interested parties" wait in here.

I got you.

Care for some tea?

I'll have if you are.

One lump, or two lumps?

Oh, no. I'm not falling for that bit.

- Cream. - As you like it.

Ah, a Shakespeare maven.

Measure for measure,

I take the bard over these modern poets.

I'm with you, bub.

Take t. S. Eliot for example.

He's got the technique, but it just doesn't have

the spark as, say, "the merchant of venice."

Whoa, that one gives me the willies.

You and me both, brother.

"The crow doth sing as sweetly as the lark,

when neither is attended, and I think the nightingale,

if she should sing by day,

when every goose is cackling, would be thought

no better a musician than the wren."

That goes double for me.

[ Horn blaring ]

[ Faint screams ]

Hey, Maurice, speaking of singing,

how come I don't hear any?

Don't worry.

Momentarily, she'll be singing like a canary.

Is that so?

Maybe I'd better check, how they're making out in there.

That's not such a good idea.

Maybe they need a piano player.

Senor navarro has his own "pianist."

[ Chuckling ]

[ Faint screams ]

That's my cue!

[ Techno music playing ]

My goodness!

Johnny!

Hey, Johnny, we're working on her Bella, Bella--

what are you doing?

When you get slapped, you'll take it and like it.

She-she make me wear this.

Wait!

"All's well that ends well," baby.

♪ Ridi, pagliaccio... ♪

[ Weeping ]

Don't take it so hard, kid, there'll be other breaks.

[ Sniffling ] I know.

[ Instrumental music ]

I can't fucking believe this.

Yeah, yeah. $47.30.

God, I love New York.

Gibson, please.

Hey, stranger, buy me a drink?

Jack on the rocks.

So, where were you this afternoon?

Ah, I'm sorry, do I know you?

Do you know me?

[ Camera clicking ]

Where were you this afternoon?

Johnny: Er... i-i-i--

I don't remember. Here and there.

Oh, really?

So, how are the rooms at the Milton Plaza?

What? Um, I hear they're very nice.

Can I get another, please?

What are you doing tonight?

I already told you,

I'm having dinner with my mother.

With your mother--?

Oh, right... Your "mother."

Hi, Samantha.

Well, did you get 'em?

No problem. It was kind of cool, actually.

Good work, timbuktu. I'm proud of you.

See you tonight?

8:00, with the prints.

What's going on?

Would you quit asking fool questions?

- Not until you tell the truth. - I did tell you.

You expect me to believe that crap?

I don't want them to hurt you.

- Oh, great. - Listen, poopsie...

I'm in a real fix. See?

You don't like story, I've another, but the truth is the truth.

I think we really had something.

But now I'm swimming in barrel of trouble, and I'm not gonna get you dunked.

Get wise and make off like I never talked to you.

- Another! - No more for her, she's flush.

Here, put her in a cab. Would you, pal?

[ Instrumental music ]

♪ Tell US, senorita, do they grow ♪

♪ any more like you... Down in Mexico ♪

♪ that is something we should like to know... ♪

♪ For in case they do... ♪

♪ There, we'll have to go... ♪

♪ Though love in Spanish we can't discuss... ♪

♪ Please don't be clannish with US ♪

♪ senorita, harken to our plaintive serenade ♪

♪ fascinating maid ♪

♪ wonderful juanita... ♪

♪ Dark-eyed senorita... ♪

♪ Blushing, tropic, Rose so divine ♪

♪ could you learn to be a clinging vine? ♪

♪ Never was so sweet-a... ♪

♪ Maid as you, juanita... ♪

♪ My heart beating, keeps repeating ♪

♪ when will juanita be mine? ♪

♪ Dance for US, senorita! ♪

What's buzzin', cousin?

You know why you were summoned?

Gimme three guesses.

You have consistently disrupted our business endeavors...

...frustrated our smuggling efforts and refused our bribes...

Now you must pay.

Can you break twenty?

Samantha: Johnny!

♪ Wonderful juanita... ♪

♪ Dark-eyed senorita... ♪

♪ Blushing, tropic, Rose so divine ♪

♪ could you learn to be a clinging vine? ♪

♪ Never was so sweet-a... ♪

Johnny!

Johnny!

[ Instrumental music ]

[ Grunting ]

[ Dramatic music ]

[ Screams ]

Say, what's the idea?

You fucked up, Johnny.

Let me loose.

We tried to be reasonable, we asked you nicely.

But you had to make things fucking difficult.

So we brought you a little something.

What did you do, snatch a Venus de Milo?

Even better.

Johnny, if you don't write the goddamn article,

I'm going to blow a fucking hole through your girlfriend.

Well, you're going to need pretty good aim.

What the fuck you talking about?

I'm going to shoot your goddamn girlfriend, Johnny.

That's not my girlfriend.

That's not your girlfriend?

I thought that was your girlfriend?

No, she's not. That's Virginia.

- Your girlfriend. - No.

Then who the fuck's your girlfriend?

- Samantha! - Who's this?

- Virginia. - Who's Samantha?

- My girlfriend. - Who is this tied-up bitch?

- That's Virginia. - Shut up!

Who the fuck's Samantha?

[ Touch tones ]

Are you okay?

[ Ringing ]

What, no luck?

Lost the trail.

Have you seen Tim? I'm really worried about him.

Yeah, he was with Johnny, chasing invisible bogeymen.

[ Continues ringing ]

What kind of moron doesn't have an answering machine?

Maybe you should go home and get some rest.

[ Gunshot ]

Shut the fuck up, and start typing.

Alright, you got me.

I know when I'm licked.

This "k" is broken.

- So don't use "k." - Don't use "k"?

- Fuck you! - Type!

How do you spell "pitt"?

Two ts.

Just one thing, fellas, you may want to know...

My partner, Timmy, has some cute snapshots of your boss

that go to press tonight.

God-fucking-damn it!

God-fucking-damn it!

You're fucking dead.

You're dead.

Sure, go ahead. But then you'll never stop those photos.

And we know how camera-shy your Mr. Pitt is.

But I'm not unreasonable.

Tell Mr. Pitt I want to renegotiate my contract.

He gets the photos if he lets her go.

I thought she wasn't your fucking girlfriend?

Haven't you lowlids ever heard of chivalry?

Mmm...!

We'll talk to Mr. Pitt.

Don't go anywhere.

Hey, baby, how ya' doing this fine evening?

[ Chuckling ]

It's cool.

[ Muffled shouting ]

Well, no use sitting here.

What would the great Houdini do in a situation like this?

Hey, get a load of that.

Well...

Johnny, what's going on? Who are those guys?

Just a couple of hoodoos trying to put one over.

Let's beat it, kid, before those jailbirds come home to roost.

Shouldn't we go to the police?

Sure thing, kid. But first...

I got a dinner date.

So, how do you enjoy barnard, dottie?

It sucks.

The Columbia boys seem to have quite a team this season, hm?

Whatever.

[ Ring bell ]

[ Whispering ]

Are you alright, Mr. Pitzer?

What?

Are you alright?

Oh, I'm sorry. My eyes are a little dry.

Oh.

Ugh!

Hiya, Hastings. Where's mother?

Why, she's-- she's--

does somebody actually live here?

Indubitably.

Evening, all. I apologize for my tardiness,

but the work of the modern newspaperman is never through.

Mr. and Mrs. Lausenger, my son, John.

John, I'd like you to meet Mr. and Mrs. Lausenger.

And their lovely daughter, dottie.

Good evening. Call me Johnny.

Mr. and Mrs. Pitzer,

I'd like you to meet my son, John.

John, this is Mr. Jaffrey pitzer and his wife.

Mr. Pitzer is the district attorney of New York.

Oh, have I got a surprise for you.

Really?

And of course, you know the reverend sheehan.

- Hiya, rev. - Johnny.

[ Doorbell rings ]

That must be for me.

Hastings will attend to it.

Hiya, Lester. How are you?

Fine.

That's great. Come on in.

Hiya, fellas, thanks for stopping by.

Just set up any old where.

Hey, how are you?

Do you know these artists?

It's okay, Hastings. They're with me.

I'll lock up the silver.

Well, the party ain't over yet.

I brought some after dinner entertainment.

The Cleopatra four, plus two.

They may not be a theater guild attraction,

but they sure can wang-doodle.

[ Doorbell rings ] Excuse me, won't you?

- John? - I shan't be a minute.

Well...

Take a load off, Hastings, I got it.

I say, master twennies,

I've been answering that door for some 47 years.

So, take the night off, you deserve it.

Timbo! Victor? Milo? What are you doing here?

Johnny, they're here!

The Rudolph friml records.

We decided to deliver them personally.

Milo!

Here, let me help you.

[ Sighs ]

[ Violin playing ]

Thug #1: Look, I don't know where pitt is.

What am I, his babysitter?

Goddamn it! Mother--

fucking write...

The fucking story! Fuck you, man!

Write the fucking story!

Fuck!

Johnny: "Dear, fellas,

sorry I couldn't stay, but I had a prior engagement.

If you need me, I'll be at the following address..."

Please, Johnny, sit down.

We haven't had a chance to speak this evening.

[ Doorbell rings ]

Have another old fashioned, rev. I'll be back.

Oh, but i--

well, of all the--

- Timmy! - Twennies!

Ahh!

Can't you read a goddamn clock?

I put myself on the line, and you don't deliver.

I'm hanging by a thread here, Johnny.

As soon as Timmy gets here, you'll have it. Word of honor.

- This better be worth it. - Oh, it is.

[ Doorbell ringing ]

Ah-ha!

Alright, Hastings, you beat me that time.

That is because I am a professional.

Ah-ha!

That's him.

He's the one!

I say, my good man, what is this accusation?

Oh!

He's the one here. Him, here.

You, you...

He's-a broke my nose.

Look, fella, don't get all burned up.

He's-a broke my beautiful Roman nose.

Officer, arrest that man.

He's the man who tried to make me

undo his zipper with my teeth!

Oh, no, no!

Navarro: Oh! My back!

He's-a broke my back!

Johnny! Where's Tim?

That's what I'd like to know.

Isn't he supposed to be here?

You're telling me.

Mr. Twennies,

just stopped by to see how everything went last night.

How's that?

With your lady friend.

Did you say, "I'm crazy about you?"

Come on in, Chester. Have a soda pop.

[ Doorbell ]

[ Winded ] I followed the band all the way here.

I had to see you.

Listen, sister, we've been through all that.

Why don't you take a cold shower and hit the Springs alone?

Johnny, what would you like US to play?

Something snappy, Lester.

Where's your partner?

- Timmy! - Where?

Oh--!

Master twennies, shall you be serving

vintage wine to your guests this evening?

Table wine and cocktails, Hastings.

Very good, sir.

Find a hubby, you dizzy dame!

Johnny, my deepest apologies for Milo's clumsiness.

He gets excited, you see?

He does so love the vagabond king.

That's understandable, Victor.

I kill you!

Get a hold of yourself!

Where is Tim man!

Timmy, finally. You got it?

Yeah, right here.

Are you okay?

Yeah, I'm okay.

- Well? - Have no fear, Mr. M.

Your Patience will be rewarded.

We've got a story that's big.

I'm talking the hippodrome of news articles.

It'll put the "sun-telegram" back on top where it belongs.

Not just the number one daily in New York,

but in america.

Yes, yes, yes. Where is it?

Up here, boss. Up here.

Johnny, Johnny, what are you doing to me?

Take it easy, chief. Give me fifteen. You'll get your story.

Hastings!

Get me a typewriter, some paper, and a bourbon, on the double.

A double, sir?

No, a single, but on the double.

On the rocks, sir?

- Just get me a drink. - Very good, sir.

Mr. District attorney, come on in here.

I believe this will interest you as well.

Quiet everybody, please, please.

- Johnny... - Not now, Timmy.

I'm sorry, sir. This is all we have.

Thanks, Hastings.

- Johnny! - Save it, Tim-wit.

Ladies and gentlemen, tonight you are to be privileged

with a story that will appear

in tomorrow morning's "New York sun-telegram."

My partner, Timothy burns and I,

are about to print the very first pictures

of the notorious criminal Elijah pitt.

What?!

Let me see those.

- Sure thing, Mr. D.A. - Johnny!

Well, Timmy, this is a picture of the d.A., jaffrey pit--

...zer.

You... give me those pictures.

Listen, mister! The jig is up.

Now it's time for you to pay your debt.

[ Door opens ]

Tyrus, squibb! Kill him!

Ah...

Fuck!

We gotta--

how's that icy mitt fit ya?

They had one earful too many of your bunk, I'd imagine.

Who do you think you are?

This city is for decent folks,

and won't tolerate a brush-ape like you any longer.

If you think that's a bunch of hokum,

just wait until you read tomorrow's headline.

[ Applause ]

Shit!

Take that and print it, Mr. M.

Johnny, you're the best.

John twennies...

Oh, you're so good.

What is the meaning of this? Who are all these people?

They were not invited.

Mother, when i'm in the swim,

I want to be with goldfish.

Come back to the table this instant

and sit next to dottie lausenger.

This is most embarrassing.

I'm sorry, mother...

I can't sit next to dottie lausenger

when my heart belongs to Samantha winter.

- Is this-- - Samantha? Well, no.

Well, that's... Virginia.

Well, what do you know?

Why don't you come back to the club with me?

Oh, not this?

No, this isn't Samantha either, this is, well--

[ doorbell rings ]

Hit the road, small change, you're cramping my act.

Good heavens!

Samantha.

Mother: Oh, my!

Mother, meet Samantha winter.

This is the girl of my dreams,

and she's the one I want to marry.

That is, if she'll have me.

I-- uh...

I don't blame you for being sore at me, dearest.

I gave you the brush-off, and I'm sorry.

I was only looking out for you.

Oh, Johnny.

Hit it, boys.

[ Uptempo jazz ]

♪ Fellas, if you're on ♪

♪ I can spin a yarn ♪

♪ that was told to me by able seaman Jones ♪

♪ once he had the blues ♪

♪ so he took a cruise ♪

♪ far away from night clubs and from saxophones ♪

♪ he said, yo-ho, I made a certain port ♪

♪ and when you talk about real he-man sport... ♪

♪ Hot ginger and dynamite ♪

♪ there's nothing but that at night ♪

♪ back in Nagasaki where the fellas chew tobaccy ♪

♪ and the women wicky wacky woo ♪

♪ the way they can entertain ♪

♪ would even hurry a hurricane ♪

♪ back in Nagasaki where the fellas chew tobaccy ♪

♪ and the women wicky wacky woo ♪

♪ in fujiyama you get a mama ♪

♪ and then your troubles increase ♪

♪ in some pagoda, she orders soda ♪

♪ the earth shakes milk shakes, ten cents apiece ♪

♪ they kissy and huggy nice ♪

♪ by jingo, it's worth the price ♪

♪ back in Nagasaki where the fellas chew tobaccy ♪

♪ and the women wicky wacky woo ♪

♪ with an ice cream cone and a bottle of tea ♪

♪ you can rest all day by the hickory tree ♪

♪ when the night comes round oh, gosh, oh, gee... ♪

♪ Mother, mother, mother pin a Rose on me ♪

By chance, could you be an actress, hm?

I'm a model slash actress.

[ Uptempo jazz ]

How would you like to be in Roman polanski's new movie?

♪ Oh, sweet kimona I pulled a boner ♪

♪ kept it up at high speed ♪

♪ I got rheumatics, and then sciatics ♪

♪ of halitosis, that's guaranteed ♪

♪ you must have to act your age ♪

♪ or wind up inside a cage ♪

♪ back in nagasack... ♪

♪ Well, the fellahs chew toback... ♪

♪ And the women wicky wack... ♪

♪ And the women wicky wack... ♪

♪ And the women wicky wacky woo...! ♪

I'm crazy about you.

[ Instrumental music ]

[ Music continues ]

[ Music continues ]

[ Music continues ]

[ Instrumental music ]

♪ Somethings are not meant to be ♪

♪ and soon will vanish like an old melody ♪

♪ the stories we read of and take no heat of ♪

♪ they all of them pass so wave ♪

♪ but the twenties are here to stay ♪

♪ When lamp lights are burning low ♪

♪ our tribulations fade like some passing show ♪

♪ a heart burning passion ♪

♪ the flashiest fashion ♪

♪ will suddenly seem blase ♪

♪ though the twenties are here to stay ♪

♪ my dear when we are dancing together ♪

♪ don't fear that it's soon will be dawn ♪

♪ although we shall not be together ♪

♪ the moment lives on ♪

♪ like ships that pass in the night ♪

♪ our love is briefed here ♪

♪ but ever so right ♪

♪ remember the fiend dear ♪

♪ lives but a dream dear ♪

♪ no matter what people say ♪

♪ the twenties are here to stay ♪

[ Instrumental music ]

♪ For love maybe fleeting ♪

♪ I'll keep repeating ♪

♪ the twenties are here to stay ♪♪