Original subtitles

I know, I know, I'm late.

But then again, I'm inexpensive.

That's the trade-off.

What--? What is my book doing out here?

Well, since you were late, I thought I'd get a jump

on diagnosing the patients.

Mr. Ross here is complaining about swelling of the ankles,

and that could mean congestive heart failure,

kidney disease,

or a large obstructing ovarian mass.

His ovaries, huh?

You know, I think it's time for you and Margaret

to have that little chat you've been putting off.

Mr. Ross, swelling of the ankles

is a common side effect when you're on nephedipine.

Give me a sec and I'll switch you to something new.

That is, if my colleague is in agreement.

Good call.

Good morning, John. Yeah, Margaret.

Linda had this out front.

Before she performs a hysterectomy on Mr. Ross,

I think we need some new rules around here.

Whatever's in my office stays in my office.

My office, my stuff.

Oh, yeah, one other thing.

Did you get those travel brochures I asked you for?

Oh, not the vacation dance again.

John, we go through this every year.

I get the brochures,

I clear your calendar, and then you don't go.

Besides, you find a problem

with every single place I suggest.

I do not.

Okay.

How about two weeks in France?

With the French? Oh!

Come on, Margaret.

Find me someplace decent to stay, will you?

What a pain.

I heard that. You were supposed to.

Margaret?

What's wrong now?

What is this cat doing in here?

At the moment, I would say licking himself.

But that's as specific as I care to get.

How did it get in here?

Probably through the window in the exam room.

I told you that latch keeps coming open.

Yeah, I told you to call that slack-ass of a handyman,

Milveski, to get over here and fix it.

Now, in the meantime, just get rid of the cat.

Uh-uh. Not my problem. Remember?

Your office, your stuff.

G-go away. Shoo, shoo.

Look, a mouse.

Okay, Mrs. Reuben, you're all set.

And happy birthday.

Margaret, it's Mrs. Reuben's birthday.

Can you believe she's only 39?

Heh. She's got stretch marks older than 39.

Hey, we have the patients' birthdays

in their charts,

so if they should happen to come in on their birthdays,

why don't we have a little party for them?

No.

Yes, uh, this is Dr. Becker's office.

I'm calling Mr. Milveski about our window.

But people love birthdays, and people hate doctors.

And people hate going to the doctor's on their birthday.

But if you have to go to the doctor on their birthdays,

then wouldn't it be nice to go to a doctor who knew

it was your birthday and helped you celebrate your birth--?

Linda, Linda. Why don't you go ask the doctor?

He's in an extra good mood today.

Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

Hey, Dr. Becker?

Do we ever acknowledge our patients' birthdays?

Only when they stop having them.

John, the window can't be fixed until Thursday.

What? How long does it take to get a latch,

two screws and one arthritic old slack-ass with a tool box?

I tell you something,

Milveski better have a damn good reason for not being here.

He died last year.

All right then, that's a damn good reason.

Uh, John?

Can I ask you something? Yeah.

Do you think it's weird to have a dream about a friend?

What kind of--? What kind of dream?

A very erotic dream.

I don't think I like where this is going.

Oh, no, no, no, not-- Not about you.

Reggie. Well, at least I think it was Reggie.

I've never actually seen her.

So tell me, what does she look like?

Reg? Well, she has days she puts herself together

you don't look away in fear.

Because-- Because in my dream, she was awesome.

I mean, smooth, creamy skin, full lips, gorgeous eyes.

She was the best of every woman I've ever seen.

So Jake, this, uh--

This dream, tell me more about it.

Reggie and I are alone in the diner.

It's closing time, right?

Suddenly she comes over to the newsstand,

takes me by the hand and pulls me over to this booth.

Then she pushes me down and kisses me.

And I'm telling you, this is maybe the best kiss

I've ever had in my entire life.

Next thing I know, we're tearing each other's clothes off, right?

Oh, give me a break.

Oh, God. Thanks a lot, John.

Couldn't resist.

What is it with guys and tearing clothes off?

Don't you ever dream of unbuttoning clothes

and neatly folding them over a chair?

Look, Reg, I'm really sorry. It was just a dream.

No big deal.

But do me a favor, the next time you have a dream about us,

could it be somewhere exotic?

Even in your dreams, I can't get out of this lousy diner.

So, uh-- So Jake,

this thing with you and Reggie.

What, a one-night stand?

No, it's been every night this week.

It's like she's insatiable.

Bob can't believe what he's hearing.

Oh, damn it, John.

I didn't see him. I swear to God.

Reggie, how could you?

You slept with him?

Hey, hey, what's wrong with him?

You're blind.

You can't even enjoy the best parts of sex.

You can't see the mirror over the bed.

You can't adjust the camcorder.

Hell, you can't even see your friends cheering you on.

Come on, Slim, if you lowered your standards enough

to sleep with Mr. Ray-Ban here, why not me?

Bob, you make my skin crawl.

Well,

give me half a chance, I can make it roll over and beg.

Mrs. Davis, hypoglycemia is a very manageable condition.

Just watch your diet and stay away from those sweets.

Okay. Thank you, Dr. Becker.

Hi, it's Mrs. Garland's birthday. Have a cupcake.

Thank you, no.

Oh, come on. It's a party.

No, I, uh-- I really shouldn't.

Oh, come on. What's it gonna do, kill you?

What's the point of living

if you can't have a little chocolate?

Well, okay.

Yea.

Oh, good, Mrs. Davis, you lasted what, ten seconds?

I'll start tomorrow.

Hey, Linda, nice work.

Yeah, I got a patient coming in a little while

with cirrhosis of the liver.

Maybe you could have a margarita waiting for him.

John? Yeah?

I spoke to the travel agent.

What do you think about a cruise?

Oh, great idea.

Bunch of people I don't know doing things I can't stand

in a place I can't escape from.

I've got a place you can go.

Mr. Bursky, I think we're gonna need to order some tests here.

Uh, you're gonna need some blood work, EKG,

MRI and maybe an EEG.

Why not an FBI, REM, and WXYZ while you're at it?

Excuse me?

You doctors and your tests.

Anything to run up a tab.

It's just a couple of fainting spells.

I see. Now, what tests do you suggest we cancel?

How should I know?

Well, here's an idea.

Why don't we consult a doctor?

Oh, lucky for you, we have one right here.

All right, let's see now.

Well, the fainting spells could mean

that you're having episodes of heart block.

And if we missed that, you-- You could die.

Or maybe the fainting is because of seizures,

and if we don't get you on the right medicine,

you could, uh-- Shoot. What's that word I'm looking for?

Oh, yeah, die.

You sensing a pattern here?

You know, I'll tell you what, you're so smart,

why don't you just look at your own chart there

and tell Margaret which tests you'd like to take?

What a pant load.

Margaret?

You mind telling me why this damn cat

keeps coming into my office?

I don't know, John.

Maybe he was bad and the other cats

sent him here for punishment.

Oh, look, a kitty.

When I was little, I had a cat just like this.

Oh, he was the cutest thing I ever saw,

until he took a nap in the dryer.

He was never quite the same after that.

Margaret, I don't care. You know, take it to the woods,

put it out on the street,

I don't care, just get rid of it.

Just to be clear, we are talking about the cat.

Doctor, I don't think this kitty's feeling very well.

He's really hot and he's trembling.

You know something? You're right.

Can't you do something?

You do something.

You know, take him somewhere. Take him to the pound.

Oh, no, not the pound because if no one claims him,

they'll put him to sleep.

And that's not really sleep, doctor--

I know, I know, I know.

You know, take him to the vet, then.

Well, I would, but I have to be downtown by 6.

And I don't wanna be late for my best friend's wedding

'cause there's a real good chance she could go into labor.

Well, fine, fine. Margaret, please--

Now, I would,

but I've got a helpless animal of my own at home,

and we are having dinner with his parents tonight.

Fine. You know, fine.

Like I don't have enough two-legged patients

to take care of around here.

Open up the ark, you know, let in all the animals.

Between Mrs. Kramer's cataracts and Mr. Santiago's arthritis,

I suppose I could fit in a grooming

and the occasional flea dip.

Actually, you know,

some of our patients could use a good flea dip.

Oh, you wittle angel, you.

Your daddy must wuv you very much.

Yes, he does.

Get away from us.

Dr. Becker? Yeah.

Harvey Cohen. Yeah, so, what's the story?

Well, near as I can see, you've got a sick cat.

Well, slow down, you know. Give it to me in layman's terms.

Look, I'm not gonna find anything out

unless we run some tests.

I mean, we need to do a complete blood work-up,

plus check for metabolic disorders, rule out F.I.--

What is it with you vets and all these tests?

It's just a sick cat, for God's sake.

Oh. Well, since you're the expert, here.

Your call. Just be sure not to overlook

idiopathy, cardiomyopathy, intestinal lymphoma--

All right, all right, smartass.

Look, I know this can get expensive.

Uh, if you don't wanna spend the money--

I mean, this is an older animal.

--I suppose you could choose to--

Hey, hey, Dr. Kevorkian, take it easy, will you?

Just do the tests and call my office.

Okay.

By the way, what's the cat's name?

It doesn't have a name.

You must love him very much.

Fine. Put down Harvey Cohen.

You're naming the cat after me?

Why not? It'd be easy for you give up

on a Muffin or a Mittens,

but you might have to think twice before you pull the plug

on Harvey Cohen.

Okay, here's how I got it figured.

You slept with Squinty here,

so why not extend your open door policy and give me a shot?

Give me a gun.

Come on.

Let Bob show you what he's got. Bob is nimble.

Bob is agile.

Hell, sometimes Bob is so good, he screams out his own name.

Come on, Reg,

what do I gotta do?

Well,

I've always thought it would be romantic for a man

to prove his love by committing suicide for me.

Bob is disturbed.

Yet encouraged by the give and take.

Doc. Dork.

Becker, Margaret called and said to tell you

that Harvey Cohen's going to need some more tests.

Oh, screw Harvey Cohen.

You know, I've had it with him. If he dies, he dies.

What?

Oh, he's at least 14 or 15 years old.

He's lived long enough.

Can I have some coffee to go, please?

He's a cat for God's sake.

He snuck into my office

and somehow I got stuck taking care of him.

Wow, Becker, this is a whole other side to you

I've never seen before.

The caring side, the nurturing side--

The feminine side.

First it's cats, then it's needlepoint.

Can staying home to watch your stories be far behind?

Hey, wait a minute. You've got a cat.

Yeah, but I'm Jake.

Can I have everyone's attention, please?

It seems we're celebrating a birthday.

Ms. Russell here is 47 years old today.

Whoo. Yea.

Thank you. Oh.

Thank you so much for reminding me how old I am.

I'm sure to you birthdays are just cake and ice cream.

Gravity hasn't visited your little gingerbread house yet.

But just you wait till those perky breasts

start bungee jumping off your chest.

Just wait till your hormones are so out of whack

that you burst into tears for no damn reason

and the only thing thinner than your hair

is your husband's new girlfriend.

Just see if you think

your birthday's such a happy day then.

Don't look at me.

Uh, Linda, did Ms. Russell come in yet? She's got a 3:15.

Uh, something came up.

By the way, what's she seeing Dr. Becker for anyways?

Depression.

Ever since she turned 40,

she's having a real hard time dealing with it.

Why?

No reason.

Margaret,

I looked at all these travel folders you got for me.

You know, what were you thinking?

I mean, you know, too hot, too cold,

too far, too stupid.

Mexico? I mean, what's the point?

In a few weeks, they'll all be up here.

That's it. Forget it, I'm done.

Plan your own vacation.

Doesn't matter anyway because like every year,

you won't go.

That's not true. I will too.

Why don't you just go to New York?

Linda, I'm in New York.

Yeah, but that's the thing.

It's the most exciting city in the world,

but the people who live here never get to enjoy it.

You could check into a great hotel,

go to all the best restaurants,

catch some Broadway shows, you know, really live it up.

You know something, that's-- That's a great idea.

Yeah, it's like that song,

Something, something, That's a hell of a town.

Hello? Doctor's office.

Oh, yes, he's right here.

John, it's the vet's office.

Yeah?

How much?

Why don't you just stick a gun in my back?

No, no, absolutely not.

Oh, all right.

Yes.

You know, it's not fair.

I mean, that cat's out on the street

living like Keith Richards,

and then the second he gets a cough,

he comes into my office and expects me to foot the bill.

You know, I tell you, at the rate I'm paying out here,

I'm not gonna be able to take a vacation.

Huh. Big surprise.

Exactly what's wrong with the cat?

Oh, he needs surgery.

He's got a blockage in his intestinal tract.

Probably my wallet.

Hey, Becker. Coffee?

I can't afford it. Let me just suck on the filter.

If you take it to go, it's on the house.

Yeah.

What's your problem?

Harvey Cohen,

that oven mitt with a pulse.

Is he okay?

Yeah, yeah. Surgery went fine.

I get to bring him home today.

How much did he end up costing you?

Soup to nuts,

about 1500.

Actually, the nuts were an extra 250.

Bob.

Move it, Lurch. I got business.

Okay.

Bob's had it.

He can't eat. He can't sleep.

Bob has been standing in line

for this merry-go-round for months.

And then the minute he turns his back,

he jumps on Bob's favorite horse.

Oh, thank you.

I can't listen to anymore of this, Bob.

I did not sleep with Reggie.

Yeah, we didn't sleep at all.

Come on, Jake, we might as well tell him the truth.

What truth?

That you're the best lover

I ever had.

Oh, yeah, heh, that truth.

Just kill me.

Sex with Jake was the most erotic,

sensual experience I've ever had.

He knew exactly what to say and how to say it,

what to do and how to do it.

He touched me in ways

you can't even begin to imagine.

And it wasn't just sexual.

It was somehow spiritual.

What can I say?

I was in the zone.

Bob needs to go home now.

Bob needs to process this.

That was fun.

Spiritual. That's a nice touch.

It just came to me.

So Reg--?

No.

Well, I'd be a fool not to ask.

Mr. Bursky's coming in tomorrow for his test results,

all of them.

Wonderful.

Okay. Well, good night, John.

Good night, Margaret.

Linda, if you wanna walk to the train, I'm leaving.

I can't find Harvey Cohen anywhere.

I put food down for him and he didn't even come to eat it.

Yeah, he's probably off relaxing somewhere

after a very taxing day of sleeping.

Come to think of it, I haven't seen him all afternoon.

And he couldn't have gotten

through the window in the exam room

because the new slack-ass was here this morning and fixed it.

You know what I bet happened?

Probably one of the patients let him out by accident.

Oh, great. All that money and he just takes off.

Like a four-legged version of my ex-wife.

Well, what's he gonna eat? Where is he gonna sleep?

It's supposed to be cold out tonight.

Linda, he's an alley cat. He'll be fine.

John, are you gonna sit there

and tell me that you don't care at all?

You know something, Margaret, what do you want from me?

I took him to the vet. Nobody else did.

I paid for him to get better. Nobody else did.

What more do you want from me? He's gone, you know?

Nothing I can do about it.

Come on, Linda, we'd better be going.

Boy, is he a hard case.

Maybe he just needs someone

to show him they really care about him.

When's his birthday?