Original subtitles

Good evening, dear patients.

Just a little wider, please.

That’s quite wide enough.

You see, I suffer from agoraphobia.

Now let’s see.

Um.

Some of my patients are inclined to get nasty.

Fortunately I keep both hands completely anesthetized

while I’m in the office.

I admit this makes for some rather sloppy work,

since my fingers aren’t quite as deft as they might be.

But I save a great deal of suffering.

And while we are on that subject,

perhaps we should pass the Novocain around.

This next minute promises to be rather painful.

All right, send him in.

[knocking]

Five minutes. Five minutes is all I can give you.

Got a date to meet Wilton Stark at 10 o’clock.

Oh, dear, Mr. Stark.

I suppose the object of your meeting

is to discuss a new account executive

-for the Holdwell account? -You guessed it.

Well, I gave you the facts last week, Harrison.

Stark wants you off the account and that’s all there is to it.

You and your group haven’t come up

with a good advertising idea for a safe in years.

-Ah-- -Wait a minute, give it a look.

Over here, let me show you.

Now look at this.

Six months of work and not one campaign sold.

Starks says you just don’t understand the safe business.

And with this new safe that he has coming out--

Chief, that is exactly why I’m here.

I have an idea that is going to revolutionize

the promotion of safes.

Harrison, we’ve been all through this before.

Not through this bale of hay, we haven’t.

Chief, I have found the needle.

And I am going to stick it right in the sales map.

This is the greatest safe advertising idea you ever heard.

Oh, just let me get this one off the launching pad, chief.

[whistle of a rocket launch, chuckles]

This new safe they’re putting into orbit, what’s it call?

The 801 Burglar Proof.

Ah, that’s right.

"The 801 Burglar Proof."

Now, what’s this?

Look at it.

[scoffs] Am I supposed to know this man?

You’ll get to know him, chief.

Because he’s my candidate for the first

801 testimonial.

Read it.

Out loud, if you please.

"Sammy The Touch Morrisey."

You mean you want to put him in a Holdwell ad?

Chief.

What good is a testimonial from a satisfied user?

Now there is a man who really knows

whether or not a safe is burglar proof.

The best safe cracker in the business.

Are you serious, Harrison?

Well, of course I am.

Don’t you get it, chief?

We’ll hire Sammy Morrisey himself,

to try to crack the 801 in public,

with reporters, the works, everything!

Imagine the publicity.

Think of the ad campaign.

But if the man’s in jail...

He’s out.

Paroled a year ago.

Crime-wise, he’s been a good boy ever since.

He still has the know-how.

I mean if he can’t crack open the 801, who can?

Well, I can’t call it a bad idea.

Tell the truth, chief, it’s a blockbuster.

Let me talk to Stark. See what he thinks of the idea.

[Harrison] Well, I’ll tell you right now, he’ll love it.

[door knocking]

[man] Yeah?

Mr. Morrisey, I am Harrison Fell.

-Oh. -I called you yesterday.

Oh, yeah.

Come in, Mr. Fell.

Thank you, thank you very much.

This is my daughter.

Dorothy, this is Mr. Fell.

-[Harrison] How do you do? -How do you do?

I didn’t quite understand what you meant on the telephone.

You know, about that business proposition?

Oh, well, I understand,

but it’s not very complicated at all.

You see, I work for an advertising agency.

Bliss and Bakersfield.

We have a client, the Holdwell Safe Company.

They have a new product.

Which they feel is completely burglar proof.

We want

your help in proving their claim valid.

Oh, um, Dorothy,

do you want to get me and this gentleman some coffee?

Oh, yes, Daddy.

I don’t like to talk about safe cracking in front of her.

-You understand how it is. -It’s perfectly all right,

but I can assure you that there is nothing illegal

about this.

Police-wise,

it’s absolutely legitimate.

You see, we feel a man of your

great reputation--

I’m trying to live that down, Mr. Fell.

I’m in an entirely different line of work now.

-Sammy. -Huh?

May I call you Sammy?

Yeah.

You know what an advertisement is, don’t you?

Yeah, I read ads all the time.

Well, that’s all we’re talking about, Sammy.

We want you

to appear in the advertising for the Holdwell Safe Company.

We want your testimony.

Testimony? Now, look, Mr. Fell--

Wait, wait, no. Not like in court.

Oh.

We want you to endorse

the Holdwell Safe.

You will go around telling people

that you tried to crack the 801 safe

and found it absolutely burglar proof.

Oh, Mr. Fell, no safe is burglar proof.

-How’s that? -Well, there ain’t no such thing.

I mean to say,

if you got enough time and the tools,

you can bust any box.

Anyhow, I’m not interested.

I’m in an entirely different line of work now.

Sammy.

Now, please try to understand.

We are willing to offer you $500,

just to try and crack open the 801.

We’ll give you three hours to do it in.

Use every trick you know.

There will be plenty witnesses.

-Reporters, cops. -Cops?

Just as witnesses.

To make sure your effort is genuine.

The 801 is not a very big safe, Sammy.

Is about two by two by four.

But it has a new time lock mechanism.

And the Holdwell people feel it’s completely burglar proof.

They are so sure that you can’t crack the safe,

that they’re gonna make it a real challenge.

They’ll put an envelope containing

$50,000 inside the safe.

If you can crack the safe,

the money is yours.

[chuckles] Oh, Mr. Fell, you’re kidding.

[laughing] No.

Fifty grand just for crackin’ a box?

Crackers, uh, a box of crackers.

We have a box of crackers in the kitchen.

Uh, would you like some crackers? We have crackers.

No, thank you, I’m not hungry.

Well, I am. Um, Dorothy,

would you start fixing supper, I’m hungry.

Sure, Daddy.

Go on, Mr. Fell.

You were saying something about 50 grand?

Well, they claim it’s burglar proof,

I mean expert proof.

But, if you have sensitive fingers,

any tumbler will tumble for you.

Of course, I don’t want you to remember a tumbler

that wouldn’t tumble for me.

It was an Oriental tumbler.

I met her out-- May I have one of those?

-I’ll tell you, this... -[chattering]

[Harrison] I see you’re admiring our 801.

Notice this marvelous door.

Notice how gently the dial turns.

This, my dear, is the new time lock mechanism.

Thing of true beauty.

Safe-wise, that’s the best there is.

Yes, Harrison really had a brain rain.

We’re going to make advertising history tonight.

You better.

-[both laugh] -Yes.

Looks like a good turnout all right.

Did all the newspaper people showed up?

Every single one of them. I tell you, WS,

coverage-wise we got it made. I just can’t wait to get the 801

off the launching pad. [imitates launching]

Harrison, please.

It’s almost 9 o’clock, don’t you think

-we’d better get started? -Oh, yes, yes.

Ladies and gentlemen, may I have your attention, please?

Your attention, please, ladies and gentlemen!

Uh, lovely lady, would you please step over here.

Ladies and gentlemen, may I have your kind attention, please!

Ladies and gentlemen!

I want to thank you all for this splendid turnout.

I know you all will be glad you came this evening,

so without further ado, let me introduce to you

the honored guests of the evening.

In this corner,

at 2,370 pounds,

the Holdwell 801, the World Champion

Burglar Proof Safe! Hah, hey!

And in this corner, ladies and gentlemen,

at 150 pounds, Sammy the Touch Morrisey!

[applause]

As you all know,

safecracking-wise, Sammy holds the world record,

-in every division. -[laughter]

But, the Holdwell Corporation

believes that the 801 safe

will defy Sammy’s best efforts.

So strong is our belief in this burglar proof safe,

that they are willing to make this amazing challenge.

In this envelope, ladies and gentlemen,

is $50,000.

$50,000.

Mr. Grady, would you please step forward?

Would you please examine the contents of the envelope?

Is the money all there?

$50,000.

Mr. Grady, if you will please open the safe?

Would you place the envelope inside the safe?

Now, would you close the door of the safe

and set the time mechanism for 9 o’clock in the morning!

All set, sir.

Ladies and gentlemen,

the gauntlet is thrown.

The die is cast.

The Holdwell Corporation hereby challenges Sammy

the Touch Morrisey, retired,

to try to open the 801 safe, before 12 o’clock midnight,

which is only three hours hence.

And if Mr. Morrisey succeeds, the contents of the 801

are his exclusive property!

Are you ready, Sammy?

Yeah, I’m ready.

Mr. Grady, would you please bring forward the tools

that Mr. Morrisey requested?

Will Mr. Morrisey please examine the contents

of the table and see that everything is ready?

I already checked it.

Do you have everything?

-Bits? -Bits.

-Drills? -[Sammy] Drill.

-Chisels? -Chisels.

-[Harrison] Levers? -Levers.

-[Harrison] Hose? -[Sammy] Hose.

-Acetylene gas containers? -Acetylene gas chambers.

-[Harrison] Explosives? -Explosives.

Then, gentlemen, we can blast off!

It’s all yours, Sammy.

-May the best man win. -Doh!

Harrison, you don’t think we made a mistake?

You don’t think he might actually open that safe?

Oh, he couldn’t, chief, it’s guaranteed.

It is guaranteed, isn’t it, Mr. Stark?

Don’t worry about it, he’ll never be able

to crack that baby.

[sighs]

[pounding]

[whirring]

He looks very confident.

That drill won’t get him any place.

That metal is specially forced and it’s eight inches thick.

[drilling noise continues]

[powers off]

[restarts]

[sighs] He had me worried there for a minute.

[laughing] Relax, Bliss.

I’m not worried, why should you be?

Yeah, chief, relax, relax.

-Have a drink, Bliss? -Oh, no, thanks, no.

I’ll have a drink when this is all over.

I’ll join you, W.S.

[Sammy snorts]

Well, gentlemen, here’s to crime.

Well, your boy’s really in trouble now.

He’s used just about every trick in the book

except explosives. That’s about all he’s got left.

You think I’d better clear the room, W.S.?

No, no, it won’t be much of a concussion.

Just tell everybody to stand back.

You don’t think he can really blow that safe open?

Not with the amount of nitro he’s using.

We’ve used ten times that amount several times

in the laboratory and it simply won’t work.

Um, back to the exits, everybody!

Everybody move back! Please, back!

[explosion]

Ladies and gentlemen, your attention, please!

I want to thank everybody for their kind attention

and patience.

And I especially want to thank Sammy Morrisey,

for a gallant, gallant performance.

And now, Mr. Wilton Stark of the Holdwell Corporation

will present Sammy with $500 in cash,

the loser’s share.

Here you are, Sammy, with the best wishes

-of the Holdwell Corporation. -Thank you.

And now, Sammy, what is your considered opinion

of my safe?

It’s discouraging.

For all I can say, sir,

you got a mighty fine box there.

-Thank you, Sammy! -How was that, folks?

Sportsmanship wise, huh?

[clapping]

Chief.

We certainly hit the jackpot last night, didn’t we?

I never saw Wilton Stark so happy.

Oh, wait until the publicity starts to break.

[whistles]

-[Bliss] Good morning, Wilton. -[Harrison] Good morning, W.S.

[Bliss] We were just talking about last night.

Good morning, gentlemen. I’ve just come

from the Holdwell warehouse. I wanted you two to be

the first to know.

When the time lock mechanism on my safe opened this morning

we took a look inside.

And what do you think we found?

This.

The envelope we put in last night

with $50,000. Remember?

Of course.

When we opened it this morning, what we found

was this.

Paper!

-Paper? -Paper.

Not money, just paper.

$50,000 had disappeared, Bliss.

And it’s coming right out of your hide.

But how could it happen? How could such a thing happen?

[Sammy] OK, let’s go!

Oops, sorry, mister.

[chuckles] That’s OK, miss.

Well?

Dorothy, that was pretty good.

But it can be just a little bit smoother.

Let’s try it again, shall we?

Here, give me the envelope. Now look.

I’ll put it in this pocket. All right?

Are you ready?

All right.

-Let’s go, huh. -Sure, Pop.

Oh, gee, I’m sorry, mister.

Oh, that’s OK, miss.

There.

Hey, that’s perfect.

[chuckles] You’re going to be as good as your old man.

[chuckles]

How about having a drink to celebrate?

You want to mix me one of those specials?

Sure, Pop. [chuckles]

Gee, I’m glad you decided to change your line of business.

Yeah. Picking pockets

is a lot cleaner than cracking safes.

Sometimes it pays pretty good, too.

I should say so, $50,000.

It’s only paper.

I’ll show you that trick next week.

That film gave me some excellent suggestions

for opening stubborn mouths.

Of course Sammy’s triumph was rather brief.

But I think he deserves some time off for ingenuity.

Perhaps the judge will agree.

Now we shall pause a minute for the filling to dry.

After which I shall return.

If you need anything just call.

I would like you to know that I was not defrocked.

I quit.

It was a photograph of the Grand Canyon that did it.

The sight of that unfilled cavity left me with a feeling

of complete inadequacy.

I shall return next week at the same time.

And I see that you too have an appointment.

I hope you keep it.

Until then, goodnight.