Original subtitles

Good evening brothers and sisters.

This evening story is concerned with higher education,

specifically with members of Greek letter fraternities.

I presume there are fraternities for other nationalities as well.

This is a f-fraternity paddle.

Apparently they have very small canoes.

In keeping with tonight’s theme,

we should first see a short educational film,

and then a story. As the story opens,

you will find the students hard at work,

wrestling with the complex problems

which face man in his never ending quest for truth.

[whistling]

[cheerful music]

I’ll have grounds. More relative than this.

The play’s the thing. Wherein I’ll catch the conscience of the King.

Oh, give it up Mark, baby, the play’s the thing, but not at a party.

Oh, Robert! This is the last of the beer at your place,

I think you should inform senior that he’s letting down

the youth of America by neglecting his larder.

If a don’t get my lines memorized this time

old Barrington’s gonna lop off this empty head I’ve grown fond of.

Oh, we can’t all be boy-genius and valedictorian like, dear.

Come here.

Oh, Phyllis honey why don’t you get off my back, hm?

You have such a pretty back, darling.

The last day of the semester,

what do you say, a truce?

Me and you not waving axes, hm?

Not exactly waving an axe at the moment.

Hm? You know, Phyllis, the trouble with you

is that you want to crucify anything you can’t have.

And you were supposed to have left that behind at the age of six, according to Freud.

Meaning I wanted you?

Meaning that you just can’t bear the idea

that I’m not falling on my face running after you, dear.

I think we had the right idea in the first place.

Get drunk, stay drunk,

forget about finals!

Here, here!

Mark!

What about that beer drinking bout between you and Alan?

I’m still betting Alan will tops you, you know?

They can’t be found Alan tops me in anything.

Ah, ah.

That’s quite a rash statement, isn’t it Alan?

Keep trying, baby. You may still reach me.

I’ve come to a conclusion.

Everybody listen. Franklin has a conclusion.

We try too hard.

Here, here! Our leader speaks!

We’re not the lost generation, we’re the stupid generation.

Amen!

Rocks in our heads.

Rattling around. Agreed, hm?

We try too hard to entertain ourselves.

To be different.

I am different.

-Alan, old son! -Yes, old bean?

Come.

Prove your manhood.

Ah, the battle of the beer. Come on!

[laughing]

Be my guest, old buddy, be my guest.

Ah, no. A challenger goes first, right?

[all] That’s right! Come on!

You said you could drink a full pitcher without stopping,

I said I’d follow suit if you could do it.

Without stopping, now mind you.

I have been challenged.

Hold my glass.

Mind over matter, as Franklin would put it.

Down the hatch.

Makes me slightly ill even to look at that much beer.

Robert, you have a patient.

Well, here we go.

And yeah, the children amused themselves,

poorly through lack of direction.

-Shakespeare. -No, it’s a little conceit of my own.

Steady, boy. Steady.

Ah, a boy with courage, huh?

He’ll never do it.

Oh, Alan will do anything he sets out to do.

Won’t you, darling?

Speak about a hollow leg.

You can talk about two hollow legs and not be very far wrong.

Come on, Alan! It’s almost there!

Here we go!

-Bravo! Alan, bravo! -Brilliant!

Ah.

Well, old buddy, it’s your turn now.

That’s all right, old champ. I know when I’m licked.

Oh no. You don’t slide out of it that easily.

I concede, old man. I concede.

What are you trying to do? Make a jackass out of me, huh?

No. You picking up the marbles, chum.

You’re wearing the blue ribbon.

You’ve won.

That’s not the point, old buddy.

Nothing gained by just one of us doing this, you see?

I’ve suffered through it, now you’re gonna suffer through it.

Could be you’ve been taken?

-I’ll leave it up to Beth here. -What?

-Beth? -Hm?

Should I drink a whole pitcher of beer?

’Cause all I can do is tie ’em and not beat him.

I just don’t like being made a fool out of.

Hey, old buddy.

How many heads do you see, huh?

Oh!

-Come on, toro! -Alan...

-[Robert] Down down. -[Mark] I think he’s out cold.

[grunts]

You know, we should all take a picture of our valedictorian

and run it on the school paper on graduation day.

-He looks dead. -Dead drunk.

Hey, I have an idea.

Why don’t we get Mark’s make-up kit

and make Alan up to look like a ghost when he wakes up.

That’s an interesting thought.

Oh, come on! Now he’d never fall for that.

-Absolutely not. -[Mark] He might fall,

if we stage it just right.

Anyway, it’d be good for a laugh.

I’ll go get your make-up kit.

Robert? Has your father got any formaldehyde in the house?

Formaldehyde?

It’s used in embalming.

Sprinkle a little of formaldehyde on Alan’s clothes

and he’ll think he’s been dressed out for a wake when he comes to.

I’ll go get my old man’s medical bag.

There’ll be something smelling like a funeral parlor in it.

Robert.

Wait, wait, wait, we’re doing this all wrong,

why don’t we really scare Alan?

Make Mark up to look up like a corpse.

-Me a corpse? -Yes!

Alan always gets quarrelsome when he gets drunk and he knows it.

Suppose he woke up and found that poker on his hand,

the end marvelously bloodied,

and you, Mark,

you stay here,

dead.

Yeah. He’d probably remember fighting with me,

-but he wouldn’t remember what point he passed out. -That’s right.

As Franklin says, "It should be interesting."

And when he wakes up, we’ll accuse him of having hit Mark over the head.

No. It’ll work better if we just set the scene and leave.

We’ll go over to Robert’s house and leave him here to wake up with the body.

Alan will age ten years when he opens his eyes.

Ah!

And we’ll put the body in that chest.

That’s a fantastic idea, Franklin.

A little more blood, Beth. Especially around the ears.

More lipstick there.

What’s going on?

Oh, a change of plans, we won’t need the formaldehyde,

we’re wondering what would happen if Alan woke up and thought he killed Mark.

-Hey, good, good. -[Phyllis] Yes.

Mark you don’t look dead enough.

Well, we can always cut my wrist, leaving a knife in Alan’s hand.

Hey, I’ve got it. Pheneboride.

-Who? -It’s nothing to this Mark,

just a little jab with a needle and you’re off dreaming for a few hours.

Here, put some alcohol on his arm, will you?

Now, I tell you what this does,

slows down the respiratory system,

takes the pulse rate down to practically nothing.

I’ve seen it work on some of my dad’s patients.

And I’d swear that they weren’t even breathing.

I’m happy with my breathing the way it is. I--

-Ah, Mark, don’t be chicken. -Ah, come on now Mark,

as a future member of the medical profession

I can assure you there’s almost nothing to worry about.

Almost nothing to worry about. I hear you loud and clear.

Now, I’m joking, Mark. Really, it’s perfectly harmless stuff.

As a matter of fact, you wake up later feeling like a new man.

OK.

All right.

Now, don’t, don’t move your arm now, we don’t want to break the needle now!

Look wait how much of that stuff you putting in me?

[Robert] All right, just lie back now.

Some music to fit the occasion.

-Music to die by. -Funny, funny.

Do you feel anything?

Yeah, like a moron for letting that needle in me.

Come on, Mark! Don’t be chicken.

What, what you looking at?

With all that alcohol in you,

that drug ought to be taking effect right now.

-I’m getting out of here. -Come on, Mark! It’s getting late.

Mark, sleepy bye, sleepy, sleepy bye.

Go, man, go.

He’s going.

-[Phillys] He’s gone. -And the question is, will he come back?

Robert?

You sure he’s all right?

-I can’t even feel him breathing. -No, he’s breathing.

That stuff just lowers the respiration

to the point where you need a stethoscope to find out whether he is or not.

Well, haven’t we better go before Alan wakes up.

Right. Come on. Everybody out. Over to my place.

[phone ringing]

Answer the phone, somebody.

[phone ringing]

Hello?

It woke him.

Well, fix him a good stiff drink

to keep his thinking muddled when he rushes in here.

[Beth laughing]

Hello?

Hello?

Looks like we’re two of a kind, old buddy, when...

Mark?

Mark!

Mark?

Oh no! I...

Oh no.

Oh no!

Here he comes!

-[Beth laughing] -Shh.

Ah, there’s a man needing a drink if I ever saw one.

You and Mark finally kiss and make up over there?

Isn’t Mark coming over?

Ah, no, ah, no. Mark’s asleep.

And a little bourbon will straighten you out, sport.

Mh?

Robert, what about the party?

Why did everyone come over here?

Oh, well with the...

You and Mark shouting at each other, it wasn’t any longer a party.

-When you left... -Yeah?

Oh, um...

You sure you can hold it, Alan. I gotta hand it to you.

Oh, Alan, Alan! There’s something you should watch, though.

You know at a certain point you seem to be just,

you seem to be just looking for an argument.

This is from friend to friend, right sport?

But takes the fun out of any party, you know?

-Robert... -Yeah?

No, no, no, nothing, I just...

I think I’ll go back over to the fraternity house

And m-maybe sleep it off over there.

I’ll see everybody later.

I wonder what’s on his mind at this minute.

Mark?

Mark!

Mark.

Alan’s coming.

Alan, I think you look like my head feels.

I don’t really feel anything. I’m numb.

Can I fix you a drink?

No, I don’t want a drink.

Oh, I don’t.

All night I’ve been trying to think.

About what, chum?

Sheer insanity to try to keep it quiet.

You’re talking in riddles, Alan.

Hey, um, where’s Mark anyway?

He probably skipped along home.

No. Mark didn’t go home. Mark...

Mark is dead.

Dead?

How it happened or why I-I don’t know, but...

-Yes, he’s dead. -You’re joking, Alan.

I wish I were joking, Beth.

All night I’ve been trying to think.

I’ve been trying to think how did it happen. I--

I’ve been trying to look for some way out and I-I...

You mean that argument, between you and Mark,

you went at it again after we left you over there last night?

I suppose, I...

I think I hit him with a poker.

Well, I guess you’d better call the police.

I guess it was all the liquor that I-I...

I thought I could keep it quiet so...

Oh, well, I...

Cheer up, chum.

Mark is as alive as you are.

And probably feeling a lot better too since he’s been sound asleep all night.

You should see the expression on your face, Alan.

What do you mean? What?

[Franklin] Just our little joke Alan.

Although, in retrospect, in the clear light of dawn,

-it seems less humorous. -Well, a little makeup paint

and Mark volunteered to be injected with a drug

and we set that scene of violent murder that you woke up to.

Makeup? That was makeup?

Yes, darling. To take you down a peg or two,

you’re just too perfect at too many things.

-Oh no. -Oh, now don’t take it like that.

-No harm is done. -No harm, huh?

I told you I thought that I could conceal what I did.

Or what I thought that I did. So...

Not a very effective concealment, Alan.

Frankly, I expected more from him.

I buried him.

I buried Mark!

Don’t you understand? I thought that I could cover up what I did

so I thought I could say that he went home or something

so I wrap him in a blanket and I buried him in the sand.

You wrapped him in a blanket?

There’s a chance he’s still alive! Let’s get out there!

[Franklin] Where is he? Come on! Let’s move!

-Where, Alan, where? -Well, it was right here.

-Wait a minute maybe it was... -Where is he?

I don’t... The spade marks!

The water’s washed the spade marks away!

The tide wasn’t up this high before.

The water wasn’t up this high before!

Oh, I don’t know.

Yes, poor Alan left more than footprints in the sands of time.

If you think college students don’t learn anything, you are sadly mistaken.

These people certainly learned something that night.

They’ve never done anything like that again

they were assisted in their resolve by the police

for justice was meted out to the pranksters.

I have more to say but it can wait 60 seconds

while our dear sponsor speaks to you on his favorite topic.

How he does go on.

By the way, we would like it known that the for-going story

does not constitute a condemnation of fraternities,

or sororities, or Greeks, or universities,

or young people, or the seashore,

or salt water, or sand.

I yield to no man in my firm adherence

to an uncompromising policy of offending no one.

So, until next time, goodnight.