Original subtitles

-[monkey gibbering] -Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.

I should resist the temptation

to make tiresome comparisons with my sponsor.

After all, I have no desire to hurt anyone’s feelings.

And my friend here is about to become one

of our nation’s heroes.

He must have learned the news,

he’s been selected to go to the moon.

He’s not very excited about it.

Either that or his trousers are too tight again.

Before we launch our brave little explorer,

we have a training film to show him.

You may watch too.

[clattering]

[grunts] Oh...

it’s a freight train.

[mumbles] ...loaded with iron or something, I...

dreamt it was running right over the top of my head.

Ow.

No, but before that...

you know what I dreamt, honey?

I dreamt I-I bought a monkey.

No. I was...

I was down at Frank’s place.

Oh, boy...

You know, I dreamt I was down at that bar

down at Frank’s place.

There was this sailor, he had these rings in his ears,

and he had this ape or this monk...

one of these chimps.

Oh, I dreamt I paid him 500 clams!

500?

Oh, don’t worry, honey. It was only a dream.

The way we’re fixed, Leo, it’s a nightmare.

I know, but... [mumbles]

I was standing there and he...

W-What’s the matter?

My sainted Aunt Emily!

Looks like her, don’t it?

But it ain’t.

I’m still dreaming. I’m still dreaming.

When I wake up, it’ll be gone.

And our savings?

Where will they be? All right, Leo.

Get up and get out!

Dream that you’re finding that sailor,

dream that he takes back that monkey

and he gives us back our dough!

But you don’t understand, honey.

He wasn’t that kind of guy.

All right, then, I will.

I’ll find him. Where did you say he was at when you met him? At Frankie’s?

-Yeah. -I’ll track him down.

Taking advantage of a poor drunken slob like you.

$500 for a dirty monkey.

But you see, honey, he-he said it was an act.

It-It can draw!

[laughs] That’s where we blow

the whistle on him. Fraud. False pretenses.

Money back or here come the cops.

Hey, monkey!

Monkey. What are you doing?

Stop that, monkey. Stop that.

Leo Torbey, you get rid of this animal,

sailor or no sailor, money or no money.

Take him to the zoo, sell him to a pet shop.

There’s no room here for a chimp.

Relax, will you, honey?

Besides, she ain’t a him, she’s a her.

Oh, it’s a her. Well, all the same,

she should have our mind washed out with soap.

But look, that’s a pretty classy drawing

and you know what they say, one picture’s worth

a thousand words.

Oh, it is, is it?

Well, why don’t you call in the boys,

or have it put on a picture postcard, maybe?

Oh, no. Not me, you don’t.

Aw, come on, honey. You’re spoiling it.

Your own wife! Married! Legal! Make a show of me, would you?

Oh, you know I’d never ask you to do an act like that.

Leo, one of these days you’re gonna get

just what you are asking for.

Yeah, but that was art, and you ruined it!

[high pitched voice] Vandalism!

It spoke.

And why not?

Emilia Maria Trovatore.

But that sailor said you was Mam... Mambar--

Mambarilla.

The jungle genius.

That’s for the act.

Off-stage, Maria.

How do you do?

A woman, no less.

Well, you said there’s no room for a chimp.

Less for a woman.

A chimp, a woman, honey, what’s the difference?

-She’s a gold mine. -Well, I don’t dig it.

Maria, you-you put that back on, you know?

I mean, don’t let nobody ever see you without it.

It’s your meal ticket, same as ours.

You’ll get your cut.

But to all the world... you’re a monkey.

Oh, honey. Come on! Be reasonable!

She gives me the shivers.

She’s gonna give you a mink coat one of these days.

Now, look, sweetie, you know as well as I do

that we’re going nowhere with our mind-reading act.

There’s just not a chance,

but with her in the act, I mean, a chimp that can draw,

is that an attraction or ain’t it?

-To me it ain’t. -Oh.

Right now we’re not even drawing flies!

But with her, we’ll jam the place,

we’ll have standing room only.

And as for those pictures she draws,

five bucks, ten bucks a piece, we can get for ’em, maybe,

and people just buy ’em. Just to show to their friends,

to show that they have them.

-Don’t you believe me? -No.

Huh.

All right, we’ll give her a try-out.

We’ll give her a try-out before the pros and the troupe.

Sure.

They’ll tell you.

[clapping]

-[crowd] Bravo! -Thank you.

-[cheering] -Thank you.

All right, not too close, folks! Not too close!

Turn your head around and go in that corner.

Go ahead.

Turn around and hop on there. Thank you very much.

Sorry, folks, sorry not to let you closer,

but you know what? These chimps, if one of you has got a cold,

they’re up to get galloping consumption.

Delicate, you know?

Divine!

Beautiful! Magnificent!

-[Leo] A work of art, huh? -A thing of beauty.

Stick to your cats, Magnifico.

That’s what I’m doing Tigress, nothing else but!

Oh, can the baloney!

[Magnifico] Your slave, my cat! What do you say?

What do you say? An attraction?

The monkey?

Talk to me about lions! Tigers! Leopards!

-Women... -But look, a work of art!

For me, the original.

My personal congratulations, Mr. Torbey.

You’ve got the goods.

-A gold mine. -Thank you.

You’ve got something there, Leo, I’ll say that.

But you have organization? Have you got capital?

Oh, I’ll work it up, Benny.

-[chuckles] -Now, look.

The rifle range, it pays, see?

I’ve got the dough and I’ve got the know-how.

-With me as a partner-- -No, thanks, Benny, no.

Or sell it outright, cash down.

No, sorry, sorry.

Maybe I can persuade you.

Bet I can persuade you.

-[laughter] -This is business.

Stay out.

Think it over, huh?

No, Benny. I prefer to go at it alone.

[crowd clapping]

Honey, what a rehearsal. It was a dream!

Maria, you’re a sweetheart.

Those guys fixing a tent stood there watching us,

their eyes popping out of their heads.

What do you say?

I wish you was in it with me, Carole. I really do.

After all, it’s...

It’s always been you and me.

You and me together.

So now it’s you and her?

Any act, I don’t care how intellectual, needs a dame.

To do what? Cheer?

Oh, cooperate a bit, maybe.

Cooperate.

That’s the word.

When a woman hears it, she wonders what she’s in for.

What do I do, besides living with a monkey?

I know it’s difficult--

Playing second fiddle to a freak!

We’re gonna work something out, it’ll be--

Well? Come on, tell me.

What are we gonna work out. What do I do for it?

It’s a tear in a costume, uh,

some dog rushed out and took a bite out of her and ripped it.

What’s the matter? She can draw, can’t she sew?

Well, you see, it’s in the back of the leg

where she can’t get at it without taking off

the whole costume, and who knows who’ll come barging in here.

OK.

Sit down.

Sit down.

Let’s have it.

[scoffs] Some dog. What was it? A Chihuahua?

Put your mask back on, you look better that way.

Cover up, I said!

[knocking]

[Magnifico] Anyone home?

Quick! Quick!

Quick, come on! Get rid of him.

Uh, uh, c-come in...

-Hello, Torbey. Hello.

Well? Does the lady ask me in?

Oh, come on, Romeo.

[mumbles]

You gonna get plastered again?

Well, there’s no show tonight, is there? It’s Monday,

would you like one?

Oh, no, no. Thank you very much.

I can understand, are you afraid

the lions will bite your head off

if you take a drop?

Same thing happens to me when I take a drop.

If you get stinking drunk, I’m not gonna--

Whether I do or not, these days--

If you have any trouble with him, beautiful,

you just step across and you tell El Magnifico

all about it.

She’d like to, but it’s coming on to rain.

Well, you know, actually,

I came over to ask you if you got a little something

for the stomach.

-This is it. -Oh, no, no.

I’ve had such a pain all the afternoon.

I’ll take a look.

Oh, thank you very much.

I drink to genius.

You’re nothing but an ape, but a genius all the same.

-You know she can draw. -Hmm.

Draw anything you like.

Yeah.

But let me tell you something,

if she don’t see it, she can’t draw it.

No sell.

Artistic integrity.

You know, only this morning I said to her

"Try and draw an elephant."

And she tried.

Made some marks, you know?

Dead end. No elephant.

Didn’t see it, couldn’t draw it.

Then this guy comes along leading that elephant

out of Sammy’s act, you know?

[Magnifico] Mm-hmm.

She takes one look,

grabs a piece of chalk,

one, two, three.

Elephant.

Great. Great. Fantastic.

-Here, try these. -Oh, thank you very much.

If she sees ’em... pix. If she don’t... nix.

Oh, that’s wonderful.

Well, goodnight.

If you feel bad later, why don’t you--

Call a doctor, pal. Better than a nurse.

Don’t go out in the rain, honey. Stay right here.

To watch you drink yourself stupid?

Not so stupid, maybe.

Well, goodnight, dear lady.

[exhales]

[snoring]

Oh, stop snoring.

Get back, monkey.

Get back!

Back!

[metallic clanging]

[hammering]

[laughter]

[chattering]

[laughter continues]

[Leo] Hey, what’s so funny? What’s the joke? Let’s have a look.

Hey...

What’s that supposed to be? My wife with El Magnifico?

Was that the idea?

Too bad you didn’t stick to mind reading, pal,

you might’ve read the headlines.

[laughter]

[Leo] Yeah?

We’ll see about that. Come out!

-Come out! -[man] He isn’t there now, Leo.

-Come on out! -He isn’t in there!

Yeah?

Well, I know where she is.

But, Leo, listen!

You don’t understand!

[laughter]

[Carole] Hey! Shut the door, I’m dressing.

[Leo] Dressing and packing.

-Pack? Packing what? -You’re out. You’re through.

You know what you are?

Leo, you’ve drunk yourself crazy.

-You’re mad. -Good and mad.

Boy, you’re getting packed

and getting out. I’m putting you on that bus.

-What bus? -And getting rid of you.

Now, this is yours. This. Where’s the other bag?

-Stop! What’s got into you? -What’s gotten into me?

All right, I’ve gotten wise to you sneaking off

last night after I fell asleep!

You and your lion tamer!

Me and him? That’s a lie.

Yeah, you were seen, seen! How else could’ve the monkey

have drawn you?

Oh, the slippers, where are those shoes?

Leo, I swear to you, I never set foot

outside this trailer, you know me, I’m not a liar.

-Leo, I swear. I swear. -Carole...

I swear. I never set foot outside the trailer.

How’d the mud get in these shoes?

Come on, you’re getting on that bus,

It goes through at 12 o’clock and you’re gonna be on it.

Come on! I’ve got your bag. Now, get out! Out!

-Leo, I-- -Get out!

[Leo] I said now! Keep moving!

Go! Out!

[chattering]

[Leo] Where’s El Magnifico?

I’m packing his things for him.

That’s what I’m doing. As requested.

Bert’s feeding his cats while he’s gone.

Gone? Where to? When did he leave?

Last night, they took him, Bert and Fred.

Hospital. Ruptured appendix. Wonder you didn’t hear about it.

Appendix?

Oh, in horrible agony.

Rolling around outside there.

Last night?

Well, that means she...

She couldn’t possibly have...

Now they’ve got him cut open.

Resting easy.

No visitors.

Now, let’s see, he wants his new pajamas,

his bathrobe,

toothbrush, his hairbrush, his comb, and his...

So that’s your game, is it?

That’s your little game.

You’d never have shaken her off.

Would you?

Men are so weak.

She’s gone!

She’s out. Like you said.

"Out! Out!"

And you and I...

Have I been dumb.

Never mind! It’s over.

And now...

You were the one that put the mud on her shoes, weren’t you?

Oh, Carole...

Carole...

You know, I forgot.

Sure...

Seeing you in that skin all the time,

I more than half forgot you wasn’t a monkey.

I know.

Of course.

You’re a woman.

A woman, Leo.

[knocking]

Come in.

[Benny] Well...

There it is.

I might have known.

You know, Benny? Guys like us who have been in show business

half our lives...

we’re the biggest suckers of all, we’ll believe anything.

Listen, the figures I gave you was for a genuine chimpanzee.

You wanted the act that brings in the dough, didn’t you?

-There it is! -Me?

Are you selling me?

Oh, no!

Listen, Benny, if you don’t wanna buy her,

say so, and the deal’s off.

And as for you, if you don’t wanna play along,

you say so, and I’ll dump you out

on that road when the school lets out.

There are some pretty tough kids in that school.

OK.

Well? Which is it?

See?

I had it typed up.

The dough, the percentage, you sign here, I sign there,

and you...

put it on and keep it on.

[circus music playing]

-Any news yet? -No news.

I’ve written her three times and haven’t gotten an answer.

Letters can take a while to catch up with a person.

Yeah, that’s true, but sometimes when they do catch up,

you get the brush off all the same.

Ah...

[Maria] Heard from Carole yet?

No answer to all those letters?

[spiteful laughter]

[Maria] Not a word from Carole, eh?

That’s too bad. Isn’t it?

All wrong, monkey. Take a look at this.

Had the idea to write to a certain outfit

in Chicago, and it caught up with her, see?

She never got the others.

So she’s coming back to me, yeah.

She’s coming back to me tonight,

on the last bus.

And I’m having a celebration.

I’ve got a little snack, I’ve got a bottle of champagne.

Her,

me.

So draw a picture of that,

monkey.

[knocking]

Yes, Carole.

One moment.

I’ll be right there.

Benny?

-What is it? -That!

Like you said, Leo.

She couldn’t draw it unless she’d seen it first.

Yeah, but...

Benny, I...

I had, I had nothing to do with Lena!

[gunshot]

Tonight’s story had a very happy ending

for Maria.

She went to Paris to study painting,

and is doing very well now.

Under a different name, of course.

Toulouse something or other.

As for Ben, his was a happy ending, too.

Except that it has been delayed by a 25-year sentence.

And speaking of interminable sentences,

I shall return after this one.

[monkey gibbering]

I don’t know how it happened!

He simply outwitted me.

I’m afraid to ask who’s going to the moon now.

So, until next week or later,

goodnight.