Original subtitles

Good evening, students.

I have always felt that night school had a distinct advantage.

People may not be able to learn more at night than in the day,

but what they do learn is infinitely more interesting.

Tonight’s subject is phrenology. Miss Fobbs?

Phrenology is a system of psychology

based on the belief that the size and shape

of the surface of certain regions of the body

have a relation to the function performed within that region.

Uh, pull down the chart, please.

Thank you.

This area, number six,

is referred to by doctors and phrenologists as the forehead.

This is the worry center.

In the case of this individual,

his forehead seems to have slipped down

over his eyes.

I’m sure many of you know that feeling.

[bell ringing]

Oh, dear, it’s time for you to move on to the next class.

You better hurry as you have just one minute to make the change.

During that minute you will hear the voice of the head of this institution

urging you on to greater and greater achievement.

Mr. Hatch!

-Drop it! Drop it this second. -You’re hurting me, professor.

Drop it, I said!

You’re excused, Mr. Hatch. You don’t have to complete the examination.

You will sit there while the others finish up,

and you will remain after class. Understand?

-Gosh, professor. -Never mind.

[bell rings]

[professor] All right, time’s up.

Class dismissed.

Come up here, Mr. Hatch.

Why do you cheat?

Oh, I don’t cheat, professor.

Not all the time.

I just happened to be caught unprepared this time, that’s all.

You mean you got caught, period.

I hate cheats and liars, Hatch.

There’s no place for them at the University.

Oh, professor, y-you can’t!

Don’t tell me what I can or can’t.

[professor] How many other examinations

have you been cribbing?

None, I swear it.

I wonder if the dean would believe that.

Please, professor.

I won’t report you, Hatch, not to the dean.

-Gee, that’s swell of you. -Let me finish.

I won’t report you to the dean because it’s too early in the semester

to get a student into serious trouble.

[professor] You’ll have plenty of time to rectify your error in the months ahead.

However, I don’t intend to let your dishonesty go unnoticed.

I’m writing a letter to your father tonight.

To my father? W-What for?

I find that I’m often not as persuasive as a parent can be.

So I intend to enlist some support in your discipline.

Good afternoon.

Wait, professor, you don’t understand, I mean about my father,

about what he’s like.

I hope he’s very, very strict.

Well, hi, Perry.

Hi, Dan.

The old Jarvis report you?

That crumb. I’d like to kick him right in his baggy pants.

Rough, huh?

He says he’s gonna write a letter to my old man.

-I can see the fireworks now. -Oh, what the heck?

Everybody cribs once in a while.

Well, I’ll bet even your pop did when he was in school.

Well, maybe, but he never got caught at it.

That’s the difference.

That crumb! What’s he always picking on me for?

What makes him such a grouch anyway?

You know what they say about him, Perry.

About what a terror his wife is.

Man, he’s the original hen-pecked husband.

You know that.

Yeah, I’ll bet that’s what it is.

That old shrew he married gives him a hard time,

and he takes it out on me.

And that’s why he hates everybody, on account of her.

Hey, say, remember last year when she kicked him out of the house

and he had to bunk at the Reo Hotel?

Man, that was wild!

And how everybody razzed him the next day at school?

I hope she really makes him suffer tonight.

No such luck. She’s not home.

She went off a couple of months ago and hasn’t gotten back yet.

Well, that’s a drag.

Now there’s nothing to look forward to,

except no more money from home.

Oh, gosh, do you really think your father’d do that?

He’s sure to do it.

So you can forget about hitting me for bread, man,

’cause I won’t have any.

Say, Perry, maybe if you go see the professor...

What good would that do?

[Dan] Well, you can tell him you’re really sorry.

Well, you may have to crawl a little and make with the tears,

but what’s the difference?

That’s better than losing all that money, right?

Well, anything’s better than that.

[Dan] Oh, come on, go see the old boy tonight.

Well, I can go with you if you want me to.

-Well, I don’t know. -Aw, come on, now.

Let’s go get a hamburger and you can rehearse your speech.

I’ll be your audience.

Oh, say, by the way, Perry.

Can you pick up the check? I’m tapped out.

No, no, time, time.

Well, are you going in or not?

Well, you know the old guy, Dan,

he’d probably just bawl me out again.

You’re chicken, that’s what’s wrong with you.

No, that’s not it.

Well, think of the letter he’s gonna write your father.

And all the money you’re gonna be missing.

Yeah, you’re right. Let’s go.

[Perry] Well, he’s not there.

[Dan] He was there a minute ago.

[door opening]

[door closes]

Did you see that?

See what? He was throwing some junk away.

-In a box like that? -So he’s neat.

[Perry] Come on, let’s take a look at it.

-For what? -Come on.

Well, it’s a hatbox.

[Perry] Well, now, wait, wait.

-I just thought of something. -Well, what?

You say his wife’s been gone a long time?

Yeah, about six, seven weeks, I think.

Well, you may think that I’ve lost my marbles.

-Well, I do. -No, I’m serious.

You know how that dame treated him.

Well, w-what if--

I mean, isn’t it possible that the old guy

finally got up enough nerve...

to do something about her?

For Pete’s sake, Perry, what’s eating you?

-You don’t think that-- -What do you mean?

It happens, doesn’t it?

I mean, guys are always knocking off their wives.

He just said she was gonna visit her sister.

That doesn’t make it true.

-You don’t think that... -We better open it.

Oh, no! I’m not touching that--

Shh.

If you are trying to scare me, you’ve succeeded.

You want to open that box, go ahead, I’m not touching it.

-Go ahead, open it. -OK.

[Perry] It’s a hat.

[Perry] Sure, it’s only a hat, Lieutenant.

But it’s a brand new hat, Look, the price tag’s still on it.

OK, so it’s new.

-Then why did he throw it out? -Maybe he didn’t like it.

Yeah, but I’ll bet his wife did.

Only she’s not here to complain about it, that’s the point.

Don’t you see, Lieutenant Roman?

Professor Jarvis threw it out

because he didn’t want it anymore,

because he didn’t need it anymore.

He’s screwy, lieutenant, don’t listen--

Shut up, Dan. Can’t you see?

He got rid of her somehow, and now he’s getting rid

of her things, little by little,

piece by piece.

-He wouldn’t have the guts. -How do you know?

Look, he’s been pushed, don’t forget, and pushed hard.

So he pushed back.

Well, the hat proves it.

And just how do you suggest that professor did this horrible deed?

And where did he put the body?

Well, who knows?

Maybe he buried it, maybe he burned it.

Listen , Lieutenant, if anybody,

if anybody would know about how to dispose of a body,

it would be Professor Jarvis.

That’s his game, that’s his business, this biology stuff.

He’d probably dissolve her in quicklime.

Well, I don’t know about that.

And that crumb was gonna write my father.

And all the time he’s a killer, a murderer,

and he’s complaining about me.

Look, fellas, I appreciate your interest--

B-But you don’t believe it.

I know you’re sore at Professor Jarvis.

What, you think that’s all it is?

Look, you don’t have to take my word for anything. Just ask around.

I mean, about what kind of home life Jarvis and his wife had.

Telling the truth, I know that already.

I don’t think there’s anybody in town who doesn’t.

But bickering and quarrels don’t always end up in murder.

Then where did Mrs. Jarvis go?

We didn’t check on her movements. We had no reason to.

Maybe she went to visit someplace.

As for the hat, maybe she told Jarvis to get rid of it.

Maybe she changed her mind about it.

OK, OK.

If it’ll make you feel any better, I’ll find out where she is.

Phyllis. Phyllis, you know Professor Jarvis’ wife, don’t you?

Any idea where she’s been these past weeks?

Uh-huh.

Where?

Schuyler?

How do you know?

Yeah, thanks.

Look, will you ring her up for me, please,

and call me back?

Phyllis has a cousin who cleans for the Jarvises once a week.

She said the professor told her that his wife had gone to visit

her sister, Mrs. Beatty, in Schuyler.

-That’s his story. -[telephone rings]

Hello, Mrs. Beatty, I’m sorry to disturb you,

but I wonder if I could speak with your sister Mrs. Jarvis.

It’s nothing important but--

Oh?

Well, no, I thought she was.

Yes, yes, I guess I must’ve been mistaken.

No, no there are no messages. Thank you.

What’s the matter? Wasn’t she there?

No.

Her sister says she hasn’t seen her in over a year.

Well, I guess it wouldn’t hurt just to talk to professor.

I want you two to stay in the car and hold down the conversation.

If I need you for anything, I’ll call you.

Yes, sir.

[doorbell rings]

Why... Lieutenant Roman.

Good evening, Professor Jarvis. May I come in? I’d like to talk to you.

-It’s about your wife. -My wife?

[lieutenant] Yes, and this hatbox.

Do come in.

I don’t understand, lieutenant.

What about my wife?

Well, just curiosity, I guess.

It isn’t every day that someone throws a brand new hat into the trash can.

Very attractive hat, too.

You should see some of the horrors my wife brings home.

Would you mind telling me how you got this hat?

For the moment, professor, I’d rather not.

I threw this hat out not more than an hour ago.

Since when do the police investigate trash cans?

I’m afraid that’s not the issue.

I’d appreciate it, professor, if you’d tell me why you threw it away.

Doesn’t your wife care for it anymore?

It’s still new, it’s got the price tag on it.

It is new.

But I just don’t want it anymore.

Wouldn’t your wife have some objection?

I’m beginning to detect some strange implication

in all this, lieutenant.

Are you trying to accuse me of something?

No, I’m just trying to gather some facts.

For instance,

your wife is visiting her sister in Schuyler.

Is that correct?

No, as a matter of fact, that’s not correct.

[lieutenant] But you did tell people that’s where she went.

I did.

It seemed simpler than the truth.

And what was the truth, professor?

[sigh]

I suppose it’s all right to tell you.

I’m sure there must be some professional ethic

to protect my confidence.

The truth is, lieutenant,

my wife and I have frequent violent quarrels.

We had one about six weeks ago, and as a result...

well,

she walked out on me.

And you haven’t heard from her in all this time?

Not a word.

Have you tried to find her?

Really, lieutenant, I wish you’d get to the point.

If you have an accusation to make...

I’m not accusing you of anything, professor.

Not even making little guesses?

Tiny speculations?

You really think I might have...

done away with Margaret.

I didn’t say that.

But that’s the idea, isn’t it?

Well...

this is very stimulating.

You actually suspect murder, don’t you?

You think I’m some kind of Crippen or Landru.

Perhaps you think I chopped her into a hamburger

and served her at the school cafeteria.

I don’t find murder funny.

Then it is homicide you’re thinking about.

If I have to, professor, I’ll be blunt.

If there’s the slightest possibility of a crime,

it’s my duty to investigate it.

I’m not saying you’re not telling the truth.

But you must admit there’s sufficient motive.

And your recent actions.

I suppose I have been acting like a criminal,

telling lies about my wife’s whereabouts

and throwing out hats...

but tell me, how do you think I might have done it, lieutenant?

Just from your professional point of view.

Well, professor, it strikes me as that you’d be the ideal man

to dispose of a body intelligently.

-Is that so? -Yes, with your knowledge

of biology, anatomy, body chemistry.

Oh, so you think my special training equips me for it.

Interesting. All right, then.

How, for instance, do you think I might have covered up the crime?

Buried her, perhaps?

Sneaked out into the back yard and buried her there?

I’m afraid my neighbors would find the spectacle amusing.

You know, I don’t own a car

and couldn’t very well carry Margaret on my back to some remote spot.

She’s a rather large woman.

There are other ways.

Perhaps I burned the body?

I’m afraid that won’t do, lieutenant.

My oil burner wouldn’t accommodate the poor woman.

Of course, if you wanna search this house, you have my permission.

There are other ways, professor, quicklime, for instance.

Quicklime?

I’m afraid you weren’t much of a chemistry student, lieutenant.

Let me clarify the point for you.

Despite what you may have heard,

quicklime won’t destroy a body.

It actually preserves it.

Of course, there are powerful acids.

However, a truly corrosive acid...

would not only destroy a body...

but its container,

such as a bathtub, for instance.

No, lieutenant, I might achieve partial destruction,

but complete, entire disintegration,

I’m afraid I’m not that clever.

-Professor, I think you’re laughing at me. -Do you?

Yes, I suppose I am.

I didn’t intend to make a light of it.

I suppose I’m just covering up for my feeling of guilt.

Guilt?

Yes.

Do you think I haven’t wished Margaret dead a thousand times,

wished that her nagging tongue was stilled forever?

But the human animal is a complicated beast.

And in my own tormented fashion, I endured our fights

and quarrels for a very bewildering reason.

I still loved my wife.

Sounds strange, doesn’t it?

But it’s the truth.

I love her, lieutenant, with all her faults.

And if she were to walk in that door right now,

I’d beg her to stay.

And that’s why I can’t bear to have anything around

that reminds me.

Professor Jarvis, I want to apologize.

I don’t know why I get set off like this, but...

seeing that hatbox...

then coming up with this crazy theory,

well, I guess I just got carried away.

If there’s anything I can do to help,

any way I can help in finding your wife...

Finding her won’t help.

It won’t make her want to comeback.

Well, you can call on me in case you need me.

Thank you.

Thank you very much, lieutenant.

[lieutenant] I’ll show myself out.

All right, you two, out.

What happened, lieutenant? What did you find out?

Found out something.

Found out not to listen to a couple of stupid kids.

Well, what happened?

The next time you guys decide to rob a trash can,

don’t let me know about it.

[car leaving]

Goodnight, Margaret.

and anti-eggheadery,

we thought it would be wise to show the other side of the picture,

that there are professors who outside the classroom

can be original and inventive

and who lead interesting eventful lives.

In short, the sum of them are just like you and I.

Our lecture continues after this brief footnote.

As it must to all men,

the law caught up with Professor Jarvis.

Thus ironically, his wife Margaret again had the last word.

Which is what I’m having now.

Until next week, then, goodnight.