Original subtitles

Oh, good evening.

I am sure there’s a question in everyone’s mind.

You are all wondering how I have managed to overcome the help problem.

The secret lies in offering fringe benefits--

on the job training, things like that.

These items don’t cost much,

and what I spend on them, I save on costumes.

Seriously, this is certainly not an honest picture of life in Hollywood.

We do believe in being comfortable while we work,

but we never eat grapes during business hours.

Tonight’s story is entitled "The Greatest Monster of Them All,"

which certainly should be a cue for the sponsor to speak up.

[piano playing]

Knock it off! Can’t you see I’m reading?

What’s the matter, Hal? There’s got to be silence

every time you stick your nose in the racing form?

This isn’t a racing form, Morty.

This is a book on, you should excuse the expression, entomology.

-Ento what? -Entomology, stupid.

-The study of insects. -Insects? I don’t get it.

Neither do I, but I will.

Got to find me a bug.

So for this you need a book?

Please.

-Good morning, Mr. Ballew. -Morning.

Take a look around, the joint is full of bugs.

A fine movie studio you rented.

When they built this place, Lionel Berrymore was playing juveniles.

Never mind how it looks, I am getting it cheap.

You get everything cheap, boss.

This I got to hand you. When it comes to cheap, you’re a genius.

Yes. Every day in every way.

Forty grand this one cost you, and it grossed over half a million.

Well, like I say, pure genius.

[Hal] Knock it off! Find me a bug.

So, what you need a bug for?

For the next movie, stupid! Bugs are box-office.

You want to make a monster movie today? We got to have a bug.

You mean like a... giant spider.

Or... a scorpion, huh?

Sure, only they all been used.

I need a new one.

Say, how about a giant cockroach?

Not bad.

Not bad at all.

[spitting] No, I couldn’t.

It ain’t in good taste.

So let Logan dream up something.

He’s your writer, isn’t he?

That rummy!

Didn’t he almost win an Oscar once?

He used to be real artsy-craftsy.

[Hal] All I know is he works cheap.

Oh...

Oh, Freddie-boy! We’ve just been dropping your name.

-[feigned laugh] How clumsy. -Hey!

You loaded?

No, of course not.

[feigned laugh] I never drink on the job.

Only after.

So you are on the job.

Show me the pages.

Well, I haven’t been able to do anything yet, Mr. Ballew.

You... said you’d have to decide on a giant insect.

That’s what’s bugging him.

-Get it? -Shut up.

Look, you’re such a hotshot writer,

you find me a monster bug. That’s your business.

Yeah, I guess you’re right. That’s my business, all right.

Fred Logan, boy monster-bug-finder.

Never mind with the sarcasm.

All I want out of you is script.

All right, so sue me! I am unable to think of a new type bug!

All right, so never mind the bug.

Let’s play for the high-school audience.

Oh, you mean you want to change it to an adolescent theme now?

No, like I said, high-school kids.

What do you say, Logan?

Think you can come up with a high-school background?

We got all those kids, young, full of life.

Play them against death.

Find me an angle.

OK, I think I can.

Ernst Von Kroft.

Ernst Von Kroft, the greatest monster of them all!

Sure, I remember!

That’s how they used to bill him, back in the ’30s!

Haven’t seen him around for years.

He’s been in retirement lately, Hal,

but this could make a great comeback vehicle for him.

Sure, that’s the bit!

The comeback! Milk it for publicity!

He’s too old to act.

Who cares? He’s still a big name with the horror department.

I bet I can get him cheap!

And look, Morty, you wouldn’t have to use him throughout the picture, see?

Just in one or two key scenes.

You give me the treatment.

I’ll take care of Ernst Von Kroft.

[starts playing funeral march]

Now we got something working for us.

Darling, they’re playing our song.

[continues playing]

[Morty] Now, get rolling with it, huh?

[Hal] Morty!

There’s somebody I’d like to have you meet.

Have you got a surprise! [laughs]

Morty Lenton,

this is Ernst Von Kroft.

Great pleasure, Mr. Lenton.

Morty is the name.

We don’t go for the formal bit around here.

Just one big happy family, eh, Hal?

You make with the acting, I make with the directing, and no problems, see?

Our main idea is to bring your picture as quickly as possible.

The less retakes, the better.

And cheaper too.

Oh, I quite understand.

Oh, things have changed since the last time I worked in this studio.

I made some of my biggest pictures here.

Yeah, sure.

Of course you might as well get

one thing straight right now, Mr. Von Kroft.

This isn’t exactly going to be a big picture.

Strictly a low-budget deal.

But it can be a very good picture, Mr. Lenton.

Great films are not made with money,

they are made with love,

with care, with integrity,

and together we can create a horror picture

in the great tradition!

Not with the writer we got.

He ain’t no Edgar Albert Poe.

Writers like Poe we can’t afford anyway. [laughs]

Times change, Mr. Von Kroft.

Do they?

Gentlemen, in this very studio,

30 years ago, I played a monster.

I can make that monster...

walk again.

[inhales]

[Morty screams]

[groaning]

Fine! Marvelous! Bravo!

That is wonderful, Mr. Von Kroft!

-Don’t you agree, Morty? -Yeah, sure!

I’ve been thinking about my characterization.

There are a few touches I might add.

I’d like to use my own makeup.

Wonderful! Go ahead.

Maybe you could play it without teeth!

A toothless vampire? Wouldn’t that be a little odd, Mr. Lenton?

If you--

That Morty is always in there with the rib.

You go ahead, Mr. Von Kroft.

Work on makeup anyway you like.

Mind waiting for me in the makeup room?

-Oh, of course. -I got a few things to go over with Morty.

-It’ll only take a minute. -Yeah.

Morty.

Morty! [keys clinking]

-Where is he? -He’s gone.

Well? What do you think?

I told you to let me run a test on him first.

This guy is strictly cornball.

But when he did the monster for us, it was--

Ha...

Don’t tell me you went for his speech

about the great tradition and all that jazz.

You want a picture that is a solid grosser,

not one of them cockamamie art films!

All right, Morty, all right.

Do it your way. [laughs]

You haven’t missed yet. [laughs]

[man] How about some coffee?

Good morning, good morning.

You’re looking very well this morning.

Let me see your makeup, darling. Oh, wonderful, wonderful.

-[Morty] Freddie! -Yeah, just a minute, Morty.

-A new fit. -Come on, Lara. Bye-bye.

More fangs, dear.

[metal clanking]

[man] Yeah.

-Yes, Master. -I’ve been waiting for you, boy.

Got that new dialogue for this scene?

-Mm-hm, right here. -Let me see.

OK.

Lara, darling, you and Pops run through these changes.

Go ahead.

[chattering]

Mr. Von Kroft....

Krofty boy.

Von Kroft?

Mr. Von Kroft?

-Here I am. -Oh!

[panting]

Don’t be afraid, my dear.

There’s no need to be afraid of me.

[nervous laugh]

-You smell of death. -Death?

I bring you life!

-Eternal-- -No, no, no!

-No, please, no! -One kiss

and you shall join me...

-[panting] No... -...to live forever.

[Lara] No, no! Please, no!

No!

[clapping continues]

OK, you got the idea.

You think it’ll play, Freddie-boy?

Oh, I think that Mr. Von Kroft could inspire terror

just by reciting the alphabet.

You two don’t know each other, do you?

This is Fred Logan. He wrote the screenplay.

Very fine job, Mr. Logan.

-Very fine job. -Look, Mr. Von Kroft,

you and Lara go over it again and think of some business, huh?

-Yes, yes. -You like?

-Von Kroft? He looks great! -Never mind him, I mean the set.

Oh, the set.

Oh, that dummy up there, Morty. That looks pretty phony.

You know how the boss is about money.

You want he should pay fifty bucks to some stunt man

just to hang there all day?

-Morty... -Huh?

...these changes you had me make in the scene,

why all this dialogue? I thought it would play better with just action.

Never mind what you thought, I want some close shots of Von Kroft.

But why? It doesn’t make any sense!

I ain’t asking for opinions. What I want is cooperation.

And you better give it to me, Freddie-boy,

if you want to keep on eating.

All right, all right! Quiet, everybody! Quiet!

OK, you two know what to do.

Now, Lara,

you stand over next to the grave.

No, no-no, not like that! You are supposed to be a high-school kid!

Like this! [scream]

You are out in a graveyard alone at midnight.

Big deal!

What in the world is a girl doing in a graveyard at midnight and alone, yet?

Just do like the script calls for.

And would you get rid of that gum?

[sighs] Yes, Master.

[ironic laugh] Now, Mr. Von Kroft,

when she discovers you in this scene, you are lying in the coffin.

Would you mind just trying it for size?

-How does it feel? OK? -Oh, yes, Mr. Lenton.

This will be a great picture. A great picture.

I’ve been away a long time.

But now...

I have come home.

[plays "Funeral march" incorrectly]

[finishes notes]

Hey, kid!

Long time no see.

Not since you wrapped up the picture.

How’d you like to write me another?

I wouldn’t.

We’ll see.

Come, let me pour you a drink.

I think that we can bring in a sequel fast and cheap.

I haven’t stocked the graveyard set.

We can get Lara Lee and old... what’s his name?

Von Kroft.

How is he?

Uh... I haven’t seen him.

Gave him a ring tonight. Told him to catch the pic down the street.

We’re opening cold at the nabes all over town.

I haven’t seen it yet myself.

Morty did a great job. That’s why I called you.

Hustle over and see it. And take notes.

-Notes? Are you kidding? -This is Friday night!

Great kid audience. Everything that sets them off, you make a note of it.

Do a scene just like it in the sequel.

Aren’t you going to be there?

Are you kidding?

I’ve got a weak stomach.

Morty is coming here later.

We’ll look over the sets, see what we can save.

So hurry over and catch the show.

And remember, I want lots of notes.

Yeah.

[eerie music playing]

[odd, squeaky voice] Don’t be afraid, my dear.

[laughs]

There’s no need to be afraid of me.

No one will dare to harm you while I am here.

[laughter continues throughout]

I shall protect you always.

You smell of death.

Death? I bring you life!

Eternal life.

[laughs continue]

One kiss and you shall join me to live forever.

Look at me. Look into my eyes.

I need your warmth, but the grave is cold.

And you are life.

And you are mine, now and for eternity.

[moaning]

-Shh! -[boy] Sit down, Pops.

[mumbling]

[knocks]

[drunken voice] Von Kroft?

[mumbles]

[bottle clinks]

Oh.

Oh.

Oh...

[heavy breathing]

Why are you sitting here in the dark?

This is where I belong.

In the dark, alone.

Oh, come on, now!

Come on, it’s not that bad.

Did you see the picture tonight?

Yes.

Then you know it is that bad.

What you need is a drink, see?

-I bought a bottle. -No, thanks.

That won’t help.

Well...

it helps me!

Helps me.

Do you mind?

See, the reason I... came over here,

and to see ya...

I want to explain.

I’ve been sitting here ever since I came home.

Trying to think of an explanation.

Forget about it. That’s my advice.

They did it deliberately.

Why? Why?

Your friend, the director,

was so convincing.

Said he needed all those close-ups of me.

And you agreed.

I didn’t know what he was going to do with them. I swear I didn’t.

And all while he was planning this-- this mockery!

Dubbing in somebody else’s voice to make me look like a fool.

I had nothing to do with it, so help me!

How could he do such a thing to me?

Oh, now, look, don’t take it so hard!

See, there will be other chances, other pictures.

Not after what Morty Lenton has done to me.

I went to the theater expecting to see my comeback.

Instead, I found myself attending my own funeral.

That’s right, my friend, drink a toast.

A toast to Ernst Von Kroft,

the greatest laughingstock of them all.

May he rest in peace.

Hey, what are you...

What did you...

[stammering] What do you got there?

Souvenirs.

Souvenirs of the dead.

Look! Remember these?

[panting]

I wore this in my first picture,

-The Voice of Death. -Sure!

Sure, I remember.

And these? The wrappings when I had played The Mummy.

Oh, it’s great! It’s the greatest!

[panting] I saw it when I was a kid.

Yes, and you didn’t laugh at me then, did you?

No!

No, nobody laughed at you then.

You were a monster.

You were the monster.

And now I’m dead,

murdered by a stupid fool named Morty Lenton.

No, you’re not-- you’re not dead.

Monsters never die.

I... [heavy breathing] I believe in you, Von Kroft.

You-- You’ll show ’em--

You--

You...

Hal?

Morty?

Hal!

Hal?

Morty?

Hal Ballew!

Morty?

No...

No...

No...

[mumbles]

[gasps]

No.

No... [screams]

[grunts]

Hal!

-Hal. -[panting] Help me.

Von Kroft...

I tried to stop him.

He knocked me down.

I hit my head.

[Fred] Where-- Where is he?

[Hal] I don’t know.

But you’ve got to find him.

[Fred] I...

Von... [gasps]

-Is he... -Dead.

That’s how he killed Morty.

[panting]

I don’t understand this vampire bit.

What was he trying to prove?

Something we should have remembered

all along, Hal.

He was... the greatest monster of them all.

Obviously the lesson of that story is quite clear.

One should be careful what friends you hang around with.

As in this business.

These girls are very carefully screened.

The one here, for example, the one lighting my pipe,

she and I do not hit it off.

She won’t be here long.

See you in a moment.

[loud explosion]

[whistling]

[thuds]

Until next week, goodnight.