Original subtitles

Good evening and welcome to The Best of Hitchcock.

In the absence of my vacationing brother Alfred,

we are presenting clips from his past shows.

I find it amusing, by the way, that television at last confirms

what our family has known for years...

that I, rather than Alfred, am the best of Hitchcock.

And now for those clips.

[Alfred] This one was one of the high-spots for me.

[explosion]

This one stopped just short of perfection.

I think it is obvious why I cherish those shows.

I’m sure many of you feel the same way.

And now, here are two more, equally delicious,

after which, we shall have our story.

Ladies and gentlemen, The Best of Hitchcock...

[train whistle]

[Alfred] Alfred never looked better.

The next sound you hear will be may sponsor.

[explosion]

[Jane] Darling?

Yeah? Yeah, I’m late, I know.

Wait a minute. Before you go, I want you to see the present that I got for Eileen.

Can’t it wait till tonight? I figured on catching the early train.

-Isn’t she lovely? -Oh, for crying out loud. Another doll?

It’s not just another doll, Ralph, look, take her hand. She actually walks.

Isn’t that the cutest thing?

Honey, listen, Eileen’s got a roomful of dolls.

Don’t you think she’s getting kind of old for this sort of things?

Since when is seven too old? I didn’t stop playing with dolls till I was 12.

I don’t think you ever quit.

[doorbell]

-Are you expecting somebody? -Uh-uh.

Well, you just better go and answer it

because I have got to get started.

Hi, Mrs. Birdwell, remember me?

Is... Is the little girl home?

No, Eileen just left for school.

-Is your husband here? -Yes.

Oh, good.

Ah, you don’t mind if I come in, do you?

-Ralph? -Oh, hi, Mr. Birdwell.

Hey, now, wait a minute. What are you doing here?

Listen, you said you’d never bother us again.

Now, what’s the big idea?

-I just came to say hello. -Oh, no. Wait a minute.

It’s all right, Ralph. Mrs. Mead, I have some coffee leftover from breakfast.

[Jane] Wouldn’t you like a cup?

A coffee? No thanks, uh... I just had some.

Well...

It’s too bad Eileen had to go to school.

I would’ve liked to see her.

Aren’t you forgetting something, Mrs. Mead?

You were never supposed to see Eileen again. Do you remember?

That was part of the agreement we made seven years ago.

Is it seven years?

Gee! Whew! Wow!

Does time fly, huh? Whew!

I’ve got a half an hour before I have to go catch my train,

so maybe you’d better come to the point.

Why did you come here?

No!

Oh!

Oh, is that cute!

-Oh, is that adorable. -Please.

I was just looking at it.

What is it? A present for Eileen?

Yes, tomorrow’s her birthday.

Her birthday?

Imagine me forgetting that.

Me of all people! [laughs]

This is quite a layout you have here,

like old home week, huh?

Mrs. Mead, would you please come to the point?

OK.

I want Eileen back.

You know, I thought it was something like that.

Well, you can forget it, now. A deal is a deal.

Eileen wouldn’t know you from a hole in the ground.

Look, I am her mother and I don’t care what kind of deal we made.

I want my kid back.

Just ’cause you helped me out with a few lousy bucks, you know...

Listen to me. You didn’t care what happened to Eileen.

You were all ready to abandon her.

Abandon her...

That’s what I should’ve done when that crummy husband walked out on us.

Left her on a church step.

Anything better than with stingy people like you.

What are you talking about? We paid all of your expenses.

We took Eileen and we raised her like she was our own.

We would’ve adopted her a long time ago if we could’ve found you.

I was sick.

I couldn’t help being sick.

I’ve had nothing but shortwave diathermy for years.

But-- But I’m better now. I’m gonna get me a lawyer.

Well, you go right ahead and get yourself a lawyer.

Mrs. Mead, I’m not afraid of anything you can do.

I don’t think we’re gonna have any problem whatsoever,

proving the kind of a mother you are.

Mrs. Mead, don’t you understand how we feel?

Eileen was a baby when we got her.

We’re a mother and father now. You can’t take her away from her home.

But what about me?

What am I? A piece of dirt on the street?

OK, OK. OK, I’m a reasonable person.

You love Eileen, I know that so,

but I’m her mother, and the least you can do is help me out.

What kind of help?

I got awful big expenses. I--

I told you about those treatments, didn’t I?

I think I need, eh...

at least a $150 a week.

Wait a minute, wait a minute.

You expect us to contribute money to you every week?

Yeah, is that so wrong?

-How much of the $150? -All of it.

After all, I got nobody else to turn to.

You wouldn’t want Eileen’s mother sleeping in a gutter, would you?

Mrs. Mead, do you know what you’re asking?

I’m a civil engineer. Now, I make $220 a week before taxes.

Now, you expect me to give you a 150 out of that?

OK, make it a hundred.

I’m sorry, no deal.

If you want to take this thing to court, you just go right ahead.

You don’t think I won’t, huh?

I’m not so dumb, you know? I’m gonna get me a lawyer,

and take away Eileen from you.

I’m going to tell ’em that you forced me to give her up.

You’ll never see her again.

You’ll never do it. The judge will see exactly what you are.

You’re a cheap, broken-down drunk.

Listen, mister.

I can go a long time between drinks.

You’d be surprised what I can do when I make up my mind.

You better think it over.

I think you better get out of this house.

Okey-dokey.

But you’re not through with me, yet, pal.

You are never going to be through with me.

Tell Eileen...

"Happy Birthday" for me.

[Mrs. Mead] So he says to me, he says,

"I don’t owe you nothing." Imagine talking to me like that.

Me of all people.

What am I? I’m only the child’s mother.

-But, Mrs. Mead, won’t you please... -Look, what do you think?

Here, What right do they have to talk to me like that?

After all I’ve done for them.

It sounds to me more like they did something for you.

Huh?

You call that something? Taking away my baby?

You’re not really anxious to have the child back.

Well...

after all, I don’t know what a woman like me

would do with a seven-year-old kid.

A career woman, I mean.

Don’t you see what you’re proposing doesn’t amount to much more than, well...

blackmail.

Oh, for Pete’s sake.

All you lawyers talk the same way.

-Oh, Mrs. Mead, I would really like to help you, but... -But.

But, but, but you won’t. Is that it?

Perhaps if you ask the Legal Aid Society...

Oh, I already been there.

OK, OK, buster, you had your chance.

Now, all you have to do is wait for the next ambulance.

[doorbell rings]

-Who is it? -[man] Mrs. Mead?

[mumbling] Mrs. Mead, Mrs. Mead. Always something.

Honestly.

What do you want?

Can I come in a minute, Mrs. Mead?

Do I know you?

Not yet, you don’t. You want to give me the chance?

Say, what kind of a girl you think I am?

I don’t know. Why don’t you let me in and we can talk about it?

Name’s Ames, Phil Ames.

Hear you’ve been downtown, asking about a lawyer.

Yeah. So? What’s it to you?

I thought maybe I can help you.

You mean you’re a lawyer? To me, you look more like a pickpocket.

Used to be a lawyer,

but I’m in a different racket now.

Yeah, I bet it’s a racket.

Submitted to the Bar ’49

but my luck kind of ran bad, so I quit.

And now I’m in a different kind of a racket.

-Confidential Investigator. -Oh, you mean private eye?

Yeah. Ran into a client of mine down the legal building,

told me about the raw deal you got.

So I thought I’d drop over and see if I could help.

Won’t do you any good. I ain’t got a dime.

Well, let’s not talk about money yet.

The way I understand it, you gave up your kid

to a couple named the Birdwells.

Only they never legally adopted her,

so now you want the kid back, that right?

-Yeah. -Yeah, the only trouble is,

you don’t have such a good reputation.

Fact, the way I hear it, you got yourself a record.

-Those were all frame-ups! -Yeah.

A very touching story. Mother love, all that jazz.

Only I don’t believe it.

Hey.

You know what I think?

You know what I really think? I don’t think you care

about that kid at all. You haven’t seen her since she was an infant.

What’s a good-time dame like you want to put a brat around the house for?

-Listen, if you’re gonna talk to me like that... -Shh.

Honey.

I know what you want. You want the same thing I want. Money.

You want to milk those Birdwell jokers for every buck you can get.

How much you asking for?

Hundred a week. I asked for a 150, but he cried poor.

He’s an engineer. He doesn’t make much.

Tears, baby, these engineers, you see ’em in the ads all the time.

They make a bundle.

Besides, what’s this annuity? A few lousy bucks?

What you want is a big wad of cash all at once.

Where would they get it?

What do you care?

They probably got a nest egg or they can mortgage something.

How would 25 G’s in cash look to you right now?

Uh, like a million.

If I help you get it, what’s my percentage?

-You’re the smart one, you tell me. -Twenty percent.

Now, that’s not much.

Only you’re going to do the hard work, Mrs. Mead,

because I’ve got a license to protect.

OK, I’m listening.

You show me how to get the money, it’s a deal.

You kidnap the kid.

-What? -[Ames] What’s her name?

Eileen, but...

Kidnap Eileen, you phone the Birdwells that they don’t get her back

unless they make a deal.

You think I want to get sent up for a kidnapping rap?

[stammering] They give you life for things like that.

For what? Re-possessing your own property?

You got it wrong, Lottie.

There’s nothing crooked about a mother taking her own child back.

[Ames] Nobody goes to jail.

It’s just a matter of deciding where the child rightfully belongs.

You still got her birth certificate?

Yes, but they’d call the cops. They’d sue me.

Are you kidding? They’ll want her back at any cost.

Yeah?

-Gee, it might work. -Can’t miss.

Take my word for it. The dough’s yours.

Hi.

I’m sorry I’m late. I had something terribly important to do.

Scotch or rye? Get in.

-How’s it going? -Everything’s fine.

I’ve been watching the Birdwell house for the last three days.

The kid gets taken to school every morning by her old man,

but in the afternoon, she comes home by herself,

and it stops outside the school.

That’s the place to do it.

How am I going to recognize her?

I’ll point her out to you.

Look, it’s almost 3:00 now.

I think we’ll take a dry run

just to make sure everything goes smooth.

[Mrs. Mead clears throat]

-You don’t own a car, do you? -Are you kidding?

Well, the best thing to do is after you pick her up, take a cab.

How do I know she’s going to come with me?

She’ll come all right, just tell her that her mommy sent you.

Say that you’re the new cleaning woman.

Cleaning woman!

Kid’ll believe you.

Tell her you’re gonna take her downtown to see her mommy,

go buy some new clothes.

Well, after you pick the kid up, get a cab

and take her over to your place until you hear from me.

School’s up there on the next block.

[children chattering]

Which one is her? Which one is Eileen?

That’s her, the one with the pigtails.

Say, she’s a cute kid.

She’s a doll, a 25-grand doll.

What are you thinking about? You’re not getting sentimental, are you?

I was thinking about the Birdwells.

Boy, would I love to see their face when they find I’ve got the baby, huh?

[laughs]

[Ames] Did you get a good look at her?

Yeah, yeah. Sure did.

Hello, you must be Eileen.

Mm-hm, who are you?

I just started working for your mommy, and she sent me here.

I’m-- I’m a governess.

Governess? You mean like in Jane Eyre?

Where’s that?

Look, honey, you don’t have to take the bus home today.

Your mommy told me to pick you up, take you downtown,

and buy you some new dresses.

-You mean it? You really mean it? -Sure I mean it.

She told me we could take a taxi. Would you like that?

Would I like it? I’ve never been in a taxi.

What kind of dresses are they gonna be?

Are they gonna be party dresses?

How would I now? I’m only the cleaning woman.

I thought you said you were a governess.

Look, honey, come on, let’s get the taxi, you wanna?

[sighs] Here we are.

[groans]

This doesn’t look like a dress store to me.

No, no, it ain’t.

It’s my apartment, you see? Your mommy’s gonna meet us here.

What for?

Look, don’t ask so many questions, huh?

You like to read? I got some movie magazines.

Do you like movie magazines?

They’re all right.

OK, sit over there, then, and relax.

Whee!

Whee...

Are you sure my mommy knows where we are?

-Yeah, yeah, she knows. -I’m hungry.

My mommy always gives me something to eat when I come home from school.

Oh, well... let’s see-- see what I got.

-I got some anchovies. You like anchovies? -I don’t know.

Let me see what else. Oh, I know.

I got salted crackers. Here, you’ll love them. Sit down.

[phone rings]

Hello?

Oh, just great.

Yeah, happy as a clam. When are you coming over?

OK.

Was that my mommy?

Who?... Oh, yeah...

-Yeah, that was your mommy. -Is my mommy on her way?

Yep.

-Your mommy’s on her way. -Goody.

[doorbell buzzes]

-Hi, Phil. -Hi.

Wh-What’s this? Who is your friend?

Mrs. Mead, I want you to meet Charlie Vance. He’s my partner.

Partner? What do you need a partner for?

Charlie’s an expert in these matters.

That’s right, Mrs. Mead.

Well.

-Hi, doll. -Hello.

Is this the... little girl you snatched?

Sure I did, why not? I’m her mother.

She’s not my mother.

Oh, shut up, Eileen.

My name’s not Eileen.

My name’s Margaret. Can I go home now?

Boy, sure turned out to be a little liar.

I’m not a liar. My name is Margaret, and I never lie.

Margaret, for Pete’s sake, look will you tell them the truth.

She is telling the truth. Her name’s not Eileen Birdwell.

Wh-What, are you trying to fool me--

Charlie, you’re a witness.

Mrs. Mead admits kidnapping this child.

What? What is this, a frame-up or something?

Charlie used to work with the FBI.

He still knows the boys downtown.

They’ll be happy to hear about this.

Mm-hm.

No, no. No, wait a minute. No, I’m no kidnapper. No.

He’s the one. He fooled me. He planned the whole thing.

He pointed out the wrong kid, you see.

-He tricked me. -[Ames] You tricked yourself.

You snatched the wrong child.

And now, if you wanna keep out of a kidnapping rap,

you gotta leave the Birdwells alone.

You gotta let them adopt Eileen

and keep out of their lives forever.

They’re the ones.

They’re the ones who sent you here.

No, it was my idea. I’m a private detective,

but I’m also Ralph Birdwell’s friend.

You dirty double-crossing... [gasps]

[sobs]

I want a drink. [sobbing]

-Mrs. Mead, you better listen to me... -[sobs]

...if you don’t want to stay the rest of your life in prison.

[sobbing] OK. OK.

I’m no kidnapper. I’m not, Eileen,

I wouldn’t kidnap anybody, really.

Now, Margaret, I bet you wanna go home, don’t you, Margaret?

-Yes, please. -[laughs]

[grunting] There we go...

-Meet you in the office, Phil. -Right.

Bye.

Gee, that was fun.

Can I help you again, some time, Daddy?

Good evening, this is Alfred Hitchcock.

Welcome to the end of tonight’s episode of

Alfred Hitchcock Presents.

I should explain that my vacation

was the result of a nasty remark I made on the show.

The person at whom I directed the remark

has been given the following minute to retaliate,

after which I shall return.

Perhaps it’s my sponsor who needs a vacation.

Before taking leave,

I would like to show you a few of my selections for The Best of Hitchcock.

Now, this is truly vintage Hitchcock,

and without the violence my brother seems to admire.

Much more pleasant than my brother’s choices.

After all, I like to keep this a happy show.

Next week, we shall be back with another story. Until then, goodnight.