Original subtitles

[MAN] IS HAPPINESS A PREDETERMINED DESTINY?

A STRING OF COINCIDENCES?

OR IS IT A SERIES OF CHOICES THAT WE MAKE?

HOW CAN I CHOOSE TO BE HAPPY?

[DOORBELL RINGS]

[LAUGHING]

WELL, AREN’T YOU A SIGHT FOR SORE EYES?

HEY, RICH.

LOOK AT YOU. LAST TIME I SAW YOU,

YOU WERE A SKINNY TWINK. NOW YOU’RE A MUSCLE QUEEN.

I’M NOT A QUEEN.

OH, HONEY, GET OVER IT. WE’RE ALL QUEENS.

IT’S SPACIOUS.

MM-HMM. NOT A BAD UPGRADE

SINCE THE LAST TIME YOU CRASHED AT MY PLACE, HUH?

NO. NOT AT ALL.

OKAY. I’M JUST GOING TO SAY IT.

I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU DIDN’T REENLIST.

I CAN.

IT’S JUST TIME FOR A CHANGE.

WELL, THIS IS A GREAT TOWN TO DO IT IN,

AND WITH ME AS YOUR TOUR GUIDE, YOU ARE SET.

THANKS FOR LETTING ME STAY HERE WHILE I GET ON MY FEET.

DON’T MENTION IT. YOU’RE LIKE FAMILY.

WE HAVE TO STICK TOGETHER.

SO WHAT’S GOING ON WITH YOU?

ARE YOU DATING? YOU SEEING ANYBODY?

DATING. THAT WOULD BE A NEGATIVE.

HONEY, MOST MEN CAN’T HANDLE ME.

YOU’LL FIND SOMEBODY.

YOU JUST WORRY ABOUT YOURSELF.

YOU’RE GOING TO HAVE TO BEAT THEM OF WITH A STICK.

I DON’T KNOW ABOUT ALL THAT.

LOOK AT YOU. NAVY MAN DE-LISH.

EX-NAVY.

NAVY, EX-NAVY, WHATEVER.

YOU’RE STILL FRESH MEAT.

BESIDES, EVERY GAY GUY I KNOW LOVES SEAMEN.

AND I ALREADY HAVE SOMEBODY IN MIND FOR YOU.

LET’S JUST PUT THAT ON THE BACK BURNER FOR RIGHT NOW.

NO, THIS IS A QUALITY GUY.

HE’S AUSTRALIAN, HE’S TALL, MUSCULAR.

ALL RIGHT, MAYBE I’M A LITTLE INTERESTED.

WHAT’S HIS NAME? JOSH.

AND WHY DO YOU THINK WE’RE SUCH A MATCH?

WELL, FIRST, BECAUSE YOU’RE TASTE HASN’T CHANGED,

AND SECOND, LIKE YOU,

HE’S THE PROVERBIAL NEEDLE IN THE GAY STACK

ALL RIGHT. WELL, WE’LL SEE.

I’M SO RIGHT ABOUT THIS. WHEN THE TIMING IS RIGHT FOR BOTH OF YOU...

I CAN’T WAIT TO BE A BRIDESMAID.

OH. WHO’S THIS LITTLE GUY? YOUR WHAT NAME.

HER NAME IS LILLY, OOH.

AND SHE IS THE ONE TRUE LOVE OF MY LIFE.

OH. WHO’S A DADDY’S GIRL? GIVE ME A KISS.

RICH. RICH.

MAYBE THIS IS WHY YOU’RE SINGLE.

SINGLE BY CHOICE, BOO. DON’T GET IT CONFUSED.

NOW LET’S GET YOU SETTLED IN.

AND HERE’S YOUR ROOM.

WOW, THIS IS DECORATED.

IT’S UM...

MISS SAIGON. I DID IT SO YOU’D FEEL AT HOME.

I WAS IN IRAQ.

UH HUH. WHERE DID MISS SAIGON TAKE PLACE?

VIETNAM.

MM-HMM. WELL, ISN’T THAT NEAR IRAQ?

YEAH, EXCEPT FOR, LIKE, 13 COUNTRIES IN BETWEEN.

RICH, WHAT IS ALL THIS?

OH, THAT’S A "WELCOME TO YOUR HOME" GIFT.

FRESH MEAT NEEDS TO BE PREPARED.

SEX IS ABOUT THE LAST THING ON MY MIND.

MAYBE IT’S THE LAST THING ON YOURS,

BUT WHEN THE BOYS SEE YOU, HONEY,

IT’S GOING TO BE ON THEIRS.

AND I LIKE TO BE PREPARED.

OH, I GOT YOU MULTIPLE SIZES,

BECAUSE, YOU KNOW, I REALLY WASN’T SURE.

YEAH, WELL, MAYBE YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN A BOY SCOUT.

OH, NO. I HATE THOSE OUTFITS.

THOSE SCARVES? UGH.

THE SHORTS AREN’T BAD, THOUGH.

LISTEN, YOU GET SETTLED IN,

AND I’M GOING TO GO TALK TO YOUR FUTURE BOYFRIEND, JOSH.

MI CASA ES SU CASA.

THAT’S SPANISH.

UH-HUH.

YEAH, SO DINNER LATER, RIGHT?

YEAH, SOUNDS GREAT. I’LL TEXT YOU WHERE I’LL BE. HOW’S THAT?

PERFECT. IT WILL GIVE ME A CHANCE TO TAKE A NAP AND SHOWER UP.

I’M REALLY GLAD YOU CAME HOME.

ME TOO. THANK YOU AGAIN.

OKAY, HIS NAME IS WILL, HE’S A VERY OLD FRIEND OF MINE,

AND YOU TWO ARE PERFECT FOR EACH OTHER.

AND WHY’S THAT?

LISTEN. WHO’S THE BEST MATCHMAKER YOU KNOW?

HE’S STAYING WITH ME WHILE HE GETS ON HIS FEET.

IN THAT ROOM? DOES HE LIKE THE SPANISH THEME?

FOR YOUR INFORMATION I REDECORATED.

IT’S VERY ASIAN NOW.

I FEEL SORRY FOR THAT GUY ALREADY.

HE JUST GOT OUT OF THE NAVY.

I WAS NAVY BACK HOME IN AUSTRALIA.

I KNOW. THAT’S WHY I KEEP SAYING YOU’RE PERFECT FOR EACH OTHER.

WHAT ELSE?

LISTEN, YOU’LL LOVE HIM, BECAUSE I KNOW YOUR TYPE.

DO YOU?

YES. YOU LIKE SKANKS.

SKANKS?

MM-HMM. SKANK. S. K. A. N. K. SKANK.

STRAIGHT ACTING, KIND, ATHLETIC, NICE, KISSABLE. SKANK.

YOU’RE CALLING YOUR FRIEND A SKANK.

"STRAIGHT ACTING." THAT’S A BIT OFFENSIVE EVEN FOR YOU, RICH.

TO WHOM? IT DOESN’T OFFEND ME.

AND IT ISN’T OFFENSIVE. IT’S ACCURATE.

SKANK.

DOES HE LIKE TALL GUYS?

TRUST ME ON THIS ONE.

NOW TONIGHT, WE’RE ALL GOING TO DINNER AND YOU’RE MEETING HIM.

DOES HE KNOW WHAT A WANKER YOU ARE?

WE ALL HAVE OUR CALLING, HONEY.

OKAY. I’M IN. IF NOTHING ELSE, I GET TO MEET A SKANK.

PERFECT. NOW I HAVE SOME THINGS TO TAKE CARE OF, SO I’M THINKING RAIN AT 7:00?

GREAT.

I LOVE YOU, BUT I’VE GOT TO RUN.

BYE, MISTER.

WELCOME TO RAIN.

HI, I’M HERE TO MEET MY FRIEND, RICH.

YOU MUST BE WILL.

YEAH. HOW DID YOU KNOW THAT?

AH, FRESH MEAT.

RIGHT ON.

RICH TOLD US TO EXPECT YOU. COME ON BACK.

OH, THAT’S NOT MY FRIEND.

ARE YOU WILL?

YEAH.

HI, I’M JOSH.

RICH TOLD ME YOU WERE COMING.

OH. HEY. IS HE HERE YET?

NO. SIT DOWN.

THANK YOU.

THANK YOU.

THANKS.

NICE SHIRT.

YEAH, THAT’S EMBARRASSING HUH?

JUST MEANS YOU’VE GOT GOOD TASTE.

THAT’S RICH. "SORRY, GUYS. CAN’T MAKE IT. TRAFFIC."

WOW. WHAT?

HE SORT OF TOLD ME HE WAS GOING TO TRY AND SET ME UP WITH YOU.

THAT’S WHY HE SET THIS DINNER UP.

YOU KNEW?

YOU DIDN’T?

NO.

WOULD YOU HAVE COME IF YOU DID?

PROBABLY NOT.

BUT I’M GLAD I’M HERE NOW.

OKAY, GUYS, CAN I GET YOU SOMETHING TO DRINK?

ARE YOU GOING TO HAVE A DRINK-DRINK?

SURE.

OKAY, CAN I HAVE - CAN I GET A MARGARITA ON THE ROCKS WITH NO SALT?

SURE. HOW ABOUT FOR YOU?

I’LL HAVE EXACTLY THE SAME. IT’S WHAT I ALWAYS HAVE.

THANKS, GUYS. THANK YOU.

SO, RICH SAYS YOU’RE NEW IN TOWN TODAY, YEAH?

YEAH.

DO YOU HAVE ANY PLANS? NOT A ONE.

HOW DO YOU KNOW RICH?

I, UM, THIS IS EMBARRASSING.

I TOOK A DRAMA CLASS A FEW YEARS AGO.

RICH WAS IN THAT CLASS.

YOU WANT TO BE AN ACTOR?

NO, NO, NO, NO, NO. I USED TO BE PAINFULLY SHY.

AND I JUST THOUGHT IT MIGHT HELP.

DID YOU LIKE IT?

UH, SADLY, I WASN’T VERY TALENTED.

I FIND THAT HARD TO BELIEVE.

RICH, HOWEVER, WAS VERY THEATRICAL.

OH, HE STILL IS.

YEAH, I HEAR YOU’RE STAYING IN THE MISS SAIGON ROOM.

YEAH, LET’S NOT GO THERE.

IT’S FINE. I STAYED WITH RICH FOR A WHILE

AND IT WAS A MEXICO THEME THEN.

YEAH, UM, THANKS. JUST MADE ME FEEL BETTER ABOUT SAIGON.

EXCUSE ME.

THANK YOU.

YOU’RE WELCOME.

YOU GUYS KNOW WHAT YOU WANT YET?

YEAH.

I’LL, UM, I’LL HAVE THE TURKEY CLUB SANDWICH, NO MAYO. THANK YOU.

DO YOU WANT FRIES OR CHIPS?

CHIPS.

OKAY.

AND HOW ABOUT FOR YOU?

UM, YOU KNOW WHAT? I’LL JUST HAVE THE EXACT SAME.

OKAY, THANKS, GUYS.

THANK YOU.

GREAT MINDS DO THINK ALIKE.

CHIPS. VERY BOLD CHOICE.

I’M FEARLESS THAT WAY.

THAT’S A GOOD QUALITY.

SO, TOAST?

YEAH.

TO RICH’S SET UPS.

I’LL DRINK TO THAT.

SO WHAT DO YOU GET UP TO FOR FUN IN YOUR SPARE TIME?

SPARE TIME? HAVEN’T HAD A LOT OF THAT LATELY.

WELL, IF YOU LIKE HIKING AND THAT TYPE OF THING,

I KNOW A GREAT PLACE ABOUT 30 MINUTES NORTH OF HERE

I THOUGHT I SHOULD TAKE YOU TO.

YEAH, I LOVE ANYTHING OUTDOORS.

WHAT ELSE? UM, WHAT’S YOUR GUILTY PLEASURE ON TV?

OH, GOD.

COME ON, COME ON. OUT WITH IT.

THE HOUSEWIVES.

THOSE PEOPLE ARE CRAZY. WHAT CITY?

DOESN’T EVEN MATTER. I MEAN, THEY’RE ALL SORT OF TRASHY AND FUN, YEAH?

YEAH. YEAH.

I ALSO LIKE DOCUMENTARIES.

YEAH, I LOVE DOCUMENTARIES!

I JUST SAW THIS ONE..UMM.. I DON’T REMEMBER THE NAME.

IT’S THEY’RE PROCESSING ALL THIS FOOD,

AND THEY’RE SHOWING HOW THEY TAKE IT FROM ONE--

NO, NO, NO. IT’S "THE FOOD WE KNEW."

"THE FOOD YOU KNEW." YES!

WHERE THEY MAKE THE NUGGETS OUT OF THE PINK STUFF.

YEAH, YEAH. YOU SAW THAT?

YEAH, I LOVED IT. I HAVEN’T EATEN A NUGGET SINCE.

YOU DON’T LOOK LIKE YOU’VE EATEN A NUGGET EVER.

THANK YOU. YOU LOOK FANTASTIC YOURSELF.

EXCEPT, YOU’RE LIKE JOLLY GREEN AND I’M SPROUT.

I LIKE SPROUTS.

UMM..YOU EVER GO TO PIER 44?

I USED TO LOVE THAT PLACE, YEAH.

OH, NO MORE?

YOU HAVE BEEN GONE FOR A WHILE.

IT SHUT DOWN LIKE FOUR YEARS AGO. WHAT?

I CAN TAKE YOU TO ANOTHER PLACE THAT’S VERY SIMILAR.

IT’S NOT FAR FROM WHERE I LIVE.

YEAH. WHERE’S THAT? DOWNTOWN.

I LOVE DOWNTOWN. YOU KNOW, I LIKE HOW IT’S ALL WALKABLE,

AND THEN YOU HAVE ALL THE SHOPS AND...

YEAH, I LIKE IT TOO. IT’S JUST GOT THAT REAL SENSE OF COMMUNITY.

RICH SAYS YOU’VE JUST GOT OUT OF THE SERVICE.

YEAH, NAVY.

I WAS IN THE NAVY BACK HOME.

OH, RIGHT ON. 14 YEARS.

WOW! 14 YEARS IS A LONG TIME TO BE HIDING.

HIDING?

I MEAN DON’T ASK DON’T TELL JUST ENDED,

IT’S NOT LIKE YOU COULD HAVE BEEN OUT.

I WOULDN’T CALL THAT HIDING.

WHATEVER YOU NEED TO TELL YOURSELF.

HOW LONG WERE YOU IN?

TWO YEARS. I WAS DISHONORABLY DISCHARGED

WHEN THEY FOUND SOME LETTERS BETWEEN ME AND MY BOYFRIEND.

I THOUGHT AUSTRALIA ALLOWED GAYS IN THE MILITARY.

THEY DO NOW.

IT WAS REVOKED IN THE MID 90’S. THAT WAS AFTER MY TIME.

THAT SUCKS.

I DON’T THINK OUR ORIENTATION

HAS ANYTHING TO DO WITH, HOW WE, YOU KNOW, PROTECT OUR COUNTRY.

WELL, IF LESS GUYS HAD HID THEIR SEXUALITY,

DON’T ASK DON’T TELL WOULD HAVE BEEN REPEALED A LONG TIME AGO.

I WISH YOU COULD HAVE HAD THE SAME EXPERIENCE I HAD.

LET’S JUST. LET’S JUST CHANGE THE SUBJECT, OKAY?

TYPICAL. EXCUSE ME?

THAT’S THE FUNDAMENTAL DIFFERENCE

BETWEEN GUYS LIKE YOU, WILL, AND GUYS LIKE ME.

GUYS LIKE ME?

YEAH, YOU OBVIOUSLY DON’T LIKE TO HEAR THE TRUTH ABOUT THINGS.

THE TRUTH. HERE’S SOME TRUTH FOR YOU.

I WAS IN THE SERVICE FOR 14 YEARS

PROVIDING FREEDOMS FOR EVERYBODY IN THIS COUNTRY.

10 OF THOSE WERE SPENT OVERSEAS AWAY FROM EVERYTHING AND EVERYBODY I LOVE.

I’M SORRY, WHAT DID YOU DO IN THE SERVICE?

I WAS DISHONORABLY DISCHARGED. EVERYTHING I DID MEANT NOTHING!

WELL YOU’RE HOLDING ONTO THAT PRETTY TIGHTLY AREN’T YOU?

YEAH, AND YOU SEEM TO THINK THAT MOST OF THE GUYS YOU SERVED WITH

WOULD BE HAPPY TO KNOW THAT YOU’RE GAY.

THAT THEY’D EMBRACE IT AND MARCH WITH YOU IN A PARADE.

WELL I WOULDN’T ACTUALLY MARCH IN A PARADE MYSELF. WOULD YOU?

ABSOLUTELY! AND HALF THOSE GUYS YOU’RE TALKING ABOUT WOULD DISOWN YOU.

I MEAN, ARE YOU EVEN OUT? OUT OF WHAT?

THE CLOSET.

I’M NOT IN.

I DON’T HAVE A STICKER ON MY CAR IF THAT’S WHAT YOU MEAN.

I’M NOT ASHAMED OF WHO I AM.

THERE’S A BIG DIFFERENCE WILL

ABOUT NOT BEING ASHAMED OF WHO YOU ARE

AND JUST BEING WHO YOU ARE.

I’M SORRY THAT YOU AND I HAD DIFFERENT EXPERIENCES.

I’M NOT SORRY THAT I WAS HONEST!

WELL I DON’T THINK THAT SEPARATING MY BUSINESS LIFE FROM MY PERSONAL LIFE

MAKES ME A DISHONEST PERSON.

ALL RIGHT, HERE YOU GUYS GO.

THANKS.

THANK YOU.

I THINK IT’S SO CUTE WHEN COUPLES DRESS ALIKE.

THANKS.

CAN I GET YOU GUYS ANYTHING ELSE? NO THANK YOU.

THANK YOU, NO.

HE THINKS WE’RE A COUPLE.

MUST BE THE SHIRTS.

SANDWICH LOOKS GOOD.

LISTEN, I’M NOT VERY HUNGRY ANYMORE.

THIS IS A SENSITIVE SUBJECT FOR ME.

I GET THAT. I AM REALLY SORRY I UPSET YOU.

I JUST DON’T THINK THAT LIFE’S SOMETHING

THAT YOU CAN CHOP UP AND SEPARATE COMPLETELY.

I APPRECIATE THAT, BUT I THINK THAT IN CERTAIN SITUATIONS

I JUST DISAGREE.

LISTEN, I’M JUST GOING TO GET MY FOOD TO GO.

ARE YOU SERIOUS? YOU’RE THIS UPSET?

LOOK, IT’S NOT YOU. THIS IS A SENSITIVE SUBJECT FOR ME.

THIS FEELS A LITTLE PERSONAL TO ME.

THIS IS NOT THE FIRST IMPRESSION I WANTED TO MAKE, WILL.

YOU’RE ADORABLE. IT’S ME.

YOU’RE FINE. DISAGREEMENTS HAPPEN.

MAYBE NEXT TIME WILL. I’M SORRY.

YOU’RE REALLY GOING TO GO?

CAN I GET THE CHECK PLEASE?

I’M SORRY WILL.

THANK YOU, I’LL PICK THIS UP.

OKAY, I KNOW YOU’RE MAD I SET YOU UP,

BUT YOU TWO ARE LIKE TWO PEAS IN A POD, RIGHT?

WILLUP.

CHRISTINE. YOU KNOW I HATE THAT NAME.

I KNOW YOU DO. OH I’M SO EXCITED! I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU’RE HOME.

THIS IS UM QUITE THE LOOK YOU GUYS HAVE GOING ON HERE.

OH, YOU LIKE IT? WE CALL IT AT HOME DAY SPA CHIC.

SO? HOW’D IT GO?

NOT GREAT.

NOT GREAT OR NOT YOUR TYPE?

TOTALLY MY TYPE BUT I THINK I REALLY UPSET HIM.

ARE YOU THAT OUT OF PRACTICE WITH DATING?

I DON’T KNOW. I MEAN IT WAS GOING SO WELL IN THE BEGINNING.

WHAT HAPPENED? TELL UNCLE RICHARD ALL ABOUT IT.

JOSH IS SO CUTE. AND IF I RECALL YOUR TYPE, HE’S EXACTLY IT.

YEAH, WELL I’M SURE THAT I’M NOT HIS.

NO, TRUST ME. YOU ARE HIS TYPE TO A CAPITAL T.

NOW WHAT HAPPENED?

WE ARE JUST NOT COMPATIBLE.

TWO TOPS DON’T MAKE A BOTTOM HUH?

OR MORE LIKE TWO BOTTOMS DON’T MAKE A TOP.

OOOH IT’S ALWAYS THE BIG BOYS.

AND YOU WOULD MAKE THREE.

FIRST, DON’T MAKE JOKES. YOU’RE NOT GOOD AT IT.

YOUR JOB IS TO LOOK PRETTY.

WHICH YOU’RE VERY GOOD AT.

MHM. YOU NEED TO KNOW YOUR STRENGTHS.

AND SECONDLY DO NOT CONFUSE MANNERISMS

WITH ROLES IN THE BOUDOIR.

RICH, ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU’RE A TOP?

HOW DO YOU KNOW THESE TERMS?

ALL MY FRIENDS ARE GAY MEN.

HONEY. TAKE A LOOK AT THIS ASS.

YOU WANNA KNOW WHY IT’S SO PERFECT?

WHY?

BECAUSE IT NEVER GETS ASSAULTED.

NOW, YOU NEED A FACIAL.

NO.

YES.

NO I DON’T WANT THIS.

NO MEANS YES.

NO MEANS NO.

OH I KNOW YOU WANT IT. I CAN FEEL IT.

OH, HE’S GOING TO BE SO CUTE.

OKAY, CHRISTINE. I NEED TWO VODKAS AND ONE FOR WILL STAT.

NOW YOU JUST RELAX AND TELL US EVERYTHING.

SIP ON THIS.

OKAY. FIRST ORDER OF BUSINESS. JUST ANSWER YES OR NO.

DID YOU THINK HE WAS CUTE?

WE WORE THE SAME SHIRT.

YES OR NO.

YES. YES.

OKAY, WELL THEN, WHAT’S THE PROBLEM? WILL, LIFE IS SHORT.

NOW YOU’RE JUST GOING TO HAVE TO TRUST ME THAT I KNOW WHAT’S BEST FOR YOU.

ME AND JOSH, HE’S NOT HAVING IT.

MAYBE YOU SHOULD LET HIM DECIDE THAT.

AND BESIDES, YOU’RE GOING TO SEE HIM AGAIN IN A FEW WEEKS AT MY BIRTHDAY PARTY.

MAKING UP FOR LOST TIME?

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, RICH.

THANK YOU JACK. DID YOU GUYS GET SOME CAKE?

NOOO. JACK AND I ARE DIETING FOR OUR CRUISE NEXT MONTH.

HELLO. YOU LOOK LIKE GREEK GODS. EAT SOME CAKE.

HEY GUYS.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY.

OH. I TOLD YOU NO GIFTS.

IT’S SMALL.

THAT’S WHAT HE SAID.

MR. RIGHT INCOMING.

OUTGOING.

WHERE’S HE GOING?

TO GET CAKE, MAYBE YOU SHOULD JOIN HIM.

I’VE ALREADY GOT CAKE.

NOT ANYMORE.

GO GET SOME CAKE.

I ACTED LIKE AN IDIOT AT THE RESTAURANT THE OTHER NIGHT.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY RICH.

HOW ARE MY TWO FAVORITE CIRCUIT QUEENS DOING?

DIETING.

HMM.

I SEE YOU CHASED OFF WILL.

NO, HE DIDN’T HANK.

I KNOW AVOIDANCE WHEN I SEE IT, AND THAT IS AVOIDANCE.

OH HANK, YOU SEE IT OFTEN?

I’M JUST SAYING.

HANK, PUT A SOCK IN IT OKAY.

JOSH, YOU’RE FINE. NOW GO TALK TO HIM.

I THINK I’M JUST GOING TO LEAVE.

NO, NO. YOU JUST GOT HERE.

LUNCH THIS WEEK?

OF COURSE.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY.

IT WILL HAPPEN.

BYE JOSH.

SO, WHERE’S THE CRUISE TO?

GREECE.

WE’RE GOING TO BRING IN A THIRD.

UH HUH.

ONLY THINKING ABOUT POSSIBLY DOING IT.

TOTALLY DOING IT.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY RICH.

THANK YOU JOE. CAN WE TAKE HIM HOME?

SHAWN.

WHERE DID JOSH JUST GO?

YOU CHASED HIM OFF.

HANK.

IT JUST WASN’T THE RIGHT TIMING TONIGHT HONEY.

WHAT ARE YOU SUPPOSED TO BE?

I’M A RUGBY PLAYER.

REALLY?

OOOOH. THE SHORTS ARE HOT.

SEXY COP.

WILLUP, STRAIGHT GIRLS LOVE HALLOWEEN,

BECAUSE WE GET TO BE SLUTS.

NICE COSTUME OFFICER.

YOU TOO. I LOVE THE SHORTS, AND EVERYTHING IN THEM.

ALL NATURAL.

HEY GUYS, SHOTS IN THE KITCHEN.

POSSIBLE THIRD.

LOOKS LIKE I’M TAKING SHOTS IN THE KITCHEN.

YOU HAVE A GOOD TIME WITH THAT.

MMM. I SPY WITH MY LITTLE EYE A STRAIGHT GUY.

HI, I’M COLLIN. I DON’T THINK WE’VE MET.

WILL.

IT’S UH, A NICE COSTUME.

THANKS, UH WHAT ARE YOU?

I’M A RUGBY PLAYER.

IT’S NICE.

THANKS.

HEY, WILL. JOSH.

I’M SORRY THAT I DIDN’T SAY GOODBYE AT RICHARD’S BIRTHDAY.

THAT’S FINE.

YOU LOOK GREAT.

SO DO YOU.

I SEE YOU’VE MET MY BOYFRIEND.

UMM, WHEN YOU’RE DONE, I’LL BE OVER THERE.

THAT’S COLLIN.

YEAH, WE’VE MET.

IT’S JUST A SECOND DATE.

WELL, GOOD LUCK WITH THAT.

WHOA WHOA WILL. HE’S NOT MY BOYFRIEND.

DOES HE KNOW THAT?

I LOVE YOUR COSTUME.

THANKS.

YOU LOOK GREAT!

AND WHAT ARE YOU DRESSED AS? THE BABYSITTER?

IT’S JUST A DATE.

IT’S GOOD TO SEE YOU.

HEY JOSH. YEE HAW!

NOT GOING TO HAPPEN, HANK.

YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE ISN’T GOING TO HAPPEN?

YOU AND WILL. SO STOP WITH THE PUPPY DOG EYES.

THEY’RE NOT PUPPY DOG EYES, HANK.

WELL YOU LOOK LIKE YOU’RE ROBBING THE CRADLE WITH YOUR DATE.

SINCE YOU’RE GOING TO PROBABLY GO TO JAIL FOR STATUTORY,

WANNA BE CELL MATES?

JOSH, DO YOU MIND IF I BORROW YOU FOR A SECOND. BYE HANK.

THANKS FOR SAVING ME THERE.

AND I WOULD LIKE TO GIVE THANKS FOR EVERYONE BEING HERE.

THANK YOU ALL FOR COMING.

I WOULD LIKE TO GIVE THANKS TO OUR UPCOMING CRUISE.

I AM THANKFUL FOR RICH FOR SETTING ME UP WITH FRANK.

AND I WILL SECOND THAT SENTIMENT.

I’M THANKFUL EVERYONE’S SO HAPPY AND HEALTHY.

I’M THANKFUL FOR ALL THE NEW FRIENDS THAT I’M MAKING,

AND I’M THANKFUL FOR WILL.

I’M THANKFUL FOR MY HEALTH AND FOR MY REALLY GOOD FRIENDS.

I’M THANKFUL WE FINALLY GET TO HAVE A CHEAP MEAL.

ALTHOUGH WE WON’T BE HAVING CAKE.

OR A THIRD.

WE’LL SEE ABOUT THAT.

MHM. ALRIGHT, CHEERS!

[ALL] CHEERS!

WILL, HOW DID YOU AND MIKE MEET?

CAN I TELL HIM? ALRIGHT SO I’M JOGGING ON THE BEACH, RIGHT?

AND I RUN INTO THIS GORGEOUS FACE.

I LOOK DOWN, WE’RE WEARING THE SAME SNEAKERS.

I KNEW HE WAS PERFECT FOR ME.

SOUNDS PERFECT. IT IS.

IT’S YOU KNOW, STILL REALLY NEW.

YEAH, BUT WHEN YOU KNOW, YOU JUST KNOW.

I MEAN HOW MANY TIMES DO YOU RUN INTO SOMEONE,

YOU’RE WEARING THE SAME SNEAKERS,

AND YOU FALL IN LOVE WITH THEM?

SOUNDS LIKE YOU KNOW.

I DO. I DON’T KNOW.

SO, JOSH. WHERE’S COLLIN?

YOU KNOW THAT DIDN’T WORK OUT.

DID I?

IT DIDN’T.

IT DIDN’T.

SO EVEN THOUGH IT’S BEEN LIKE, WHAT LIKE TWO WEEKS?

ABOUT TWO WEEKS, RIGHT?

LIKE, FOUR DATES.

ALRIGHT, LIKE FOUR DATES.

IT’S BEEN ABOUT A WEEK AND A HALF.

BUT IT’S BEEN A WEEK AND A HALF OF PERFECTION.

SO... UMM ARE YOU SEEING ANYONE?

NO.

YOU’RE NOT.

OH MY GOD! YOU KNOW WHAT I TOTALLY JUST REALIZED?

THIS IS OUR FIFTH DATE.

WELL, HERE’S ANOTHER TOAST TO TIMING.

SOMETIMES THE TIMING IS RIGHT.

MHM. AND SOMETIMES IT’S NOT.

OKAY. CHEERS QUEERS AND TOKEN STRAIGHT COUPLE. AMEN.

AMEN, CHEERS.

MERRY CHRISTMAS.

I’VE GOT MISTLETOE. WHO WANTS A CHRISTMAS KISS? HO HO HO.

I DO. WILL, YOU WANNA KISS HIM?

GIVE IT A REST.

GRINCH.

STOP BEING SO STUBBORN. HE LIKES YOU.

ALL RIGHT, FINE.

WILL, WAIT.

WOW. GREAT ADVICE.

I’M SORRY.

OKAY TOM, THAT’S ENOUGH. THANK YOU.

JOSH, CAN I SEE YOUR YULE LOG?

HERE.

KISS UNDER THE MISTLETOE. MUAH MUAH MUAH.

WHY DON’T CHICKS ACT LIKE THAT?

MOST GAY MEN ARE WHORES.

MOST CHICKS I KNOW ARE WHORES.

DO YOU WANNA SEE MY YULE LOG?

OOH. I CAN BE YOUR NAUGHTY LITTLE ELF.

MERRY CHRISTMAS.

YOU TOO.

MISTLETOE KISS?

YOU DON’T HAVE ANY MISTLETOE.

CHRISTMAS KISS?

FINE.

HOW ABOUT A REAL ONE?

YOU’VE STILL GOT TOM ALL OVER YOUR LIPS.

OH COME ON WILL. IT MEANT NOTHING.

IT WAS JUST A HOLIDAY KISS.

YEAH, WELL THAT WAS THE BIGGEST "DIDN’T MEAN ANYTHING" I’VE EVER SEEN.

YOU’RE JEALOUS.

NO. YOU ARE.

LOOK AT YOU.

IT’S NOT THAT I’M JEALOUS.

I DON’T WANT TO BE THE GUY

THAT’S KISSING THE GUY WHO’S KISSING EVERYBODY ELSE.

IT WAS JUST A KISS. IT DIDN’T MEAN ANYTHING.

IT NEVER DOES.

I DON’T THINK I’LL BE ANY DIFFERENT.

HOW’S MIKE?

WHO’S THAT?

THANKSGIVING.

YEAH, THAT ENDED.

WHY’S THAT?

HE THOUGHT I LIKED SOMEBODY ELSE.

AND DO YOU?

WHERE’S THAT MISTLETOE?

NOT NOW TOM.

NOW’S THE PERFECT TIME, TOM.

SO HOW ABOUT THAT KISS?

IS THIS THE KISSING BOOTH?

NO. EXCUSE ME GUYS.

HEY, I LIKE YOU.

UMM. WE’RE GOING TO GIVE YOU A MINUTE.

DID YOU HEAR ME?

THANK YOU.

AND I THINK YOU LIKE ME TOO.

I THINK THE TIMING IS EVERYTHING AND OURS IS NOT LINING UP.

OH COME ON. CUT ME A BREAK HERE WILL.

I’M TRYING.

MERRY CHRISTMAS.

HEY. MERRY CHRISTMAS.

DON’T GIVE ME THAT CRAP.

COULD YOU WORK ANY HARDER AT PUSHING HIM AWAY?

WILL, HAVE YOU MET ADAM AND BURT?

OH, YEAH, HALLOWEEN, RIGHT?

YEAH, I THINK SO. I WAS BATMAN AND BURT WAS ROBIN.

YOU GET IT?

BECAUSE HE’S ADAM AND I’M BURT.

WILL ONLY KNOWS THE CLOONEY VERSION, NOT THE CLASSIC.

WELL IT SEEMS LIKE YOU’RE HAVING SOME TROUBLE WITH A MAN THAT YOU LIKE.

WOW. GOSSIP MUCH?

I DON’T KNOW WHAT THAT GUY’S PROBLEM IS.

YOU KNOW WE’VE BEEN TOGETHER FOR 21 YEARS.

MHM. AND THEY’VE BEEN MONOGAMOUS.

I THINK THAT’S REALLY FANTASTIC.

I TOLD YOU, STOP BEING SO STUBBORN.

SOME THINGS ARE WORTH THE RISK.

I’LL DO IT ANOTHER TIME.

YOU ALWAYS THINK THERE’S ANOTHER TIME.

YOUR CLOCK IS TICKING AND THE COUNTDOWN IS ON.

FOUR! THREE! TWO! ONE!

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

HAPPY NEW YEAR.

THIS IS TYLER. TYLER THIS IS WILL.

HI.

NICE TO MEET YOU.

NO DATE?

NOPE.

HAPPY NEW YEAR.

HAPPY NEW YEAR.

HAPPY NEW YEAR, HONEY.

CAN YOU BELIEVE HE TRIED TO KISS ME AND HE’S HERE ON A DATE?

WHO DID?

JOSH.

DID YOU KISS HIM?

HE’S HERE ON A DATE.

COULD HAVE BEEN YOU, MAN.

YOU WANNA SIT?

HAPPY NEW YEAR.

HAPPY NEW YEAR.

YOU KNOW YOU COULD JUST GO OVER TO HIM AND TELL HIM THAT YOU LIKE HIM.

HE’S HERE ON A DATE.

TRUST ME. HE BROUGHT THAT GUY HERE TO MAKE YOU JEALOUS.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

WHEN I WAS TRYING TO GET WITH CHRISTINA, I USED TO BRING AROUND GIRL.

DRIVES PEOPLE CRAZY.

HMM.

HEY, I’M LIZ.

DO YOU KNOW THAT I DIDN’T GET A NEW YEAR’S KISS.

HAPPY NEW YEAR BABY.

OH, I’M SORRY SWEETIE. HE’S TAKEN.

BUT YOU KNOW THAT GUY HANK OVER THERE? HE’S TOTALLY SINGLE.

THANKS GIRL.

YOU KNOW HANK’S GAY.

SHE DOESN’T.

AND HANK’S SO DRUNK, HE’S PROBABLY NOT SURE EITHER.

YOU’RE AN EVIL BITCH.

HONEY, CAN YOU GIVE US A MINUTE?

OF COURSE.

NO FLIRTING WHILE YOU’RE AWAY.

NO FLIRTING WITH GAY GUYS.

FUNNY. OR THAT SLUT LIZ.

I LOVE YOU.

SEE? LIKE A CHARM.

YOU DID NOT HAVE TO SEND HIM AWAY.

HE KNOWS YOU’RE MY GAY BOYFRIEND.

IT’S YOUR JOB TO GOSSIP WITH ME

AND IT’S HIS JOB TO HAVE SEX WITH ME.

HE’S FINE. IT’S A WIN-WIN FOR EVERYONE.

AND NOW HE CAN GO FLIRT WITH THAT GIRL.

HE THINKS IT MAKES ME JEALOUS.

DOESN’T IT?

I KNOW WHO HE’S GOING HOME WITH.

HEY GUYS. LET’S HAVE A TOAST.

TO THE NEW YEAR.

TO WHAT SHOULD BE.

YOU SHOULD BE PAYING ATTENTION TO YOUR DATE.

I CAN’T WIN WITH THAT GUY.

HMM, WELL MAYBE IF YOU DIDN’T BRING A DATE

HE’D KNOW THAT YOU LIKED HIM.

I WAS TRYING TO MAKE HIM JEALOUS.

YOU BOYS ALWAYS THINK THAT THAT TRICK WORKS.

WHAT TRICK?

HAPPY NEW YEAR.

ARE YOU HAVING FUN?

HELLO?

YES, YES. I’M HAVING FUN.

ME TOO.

I THINK, I THINK WE SHOULD MAKE OUT.

LISTEN, TYLER.

YES, JOSHIE POO.

OH GOD, I THINK I’M GOING TO THROW UP.

SO LIKE DUDE, OF COURSE I WATCH THE HALFTIME SHOW.

IT WAS MADONNA.

SHE ALMOST FELL ON HER ASS GETTING OFF THE BLEACHERS.

AND APPARENTLY YOU TWO ARE HAVING A MOMENT. OKAY.

HI. WANT TO GET LAID? NO.

WILL, THIS IS THE PART WHEN YOU GO ACROSS THE ROOM.

AFTER ALL, IT IS THE NEW YEAR.

YOU KNOW WHAT? YOU GUYS ARE RIGHT.

YOUR DATE IS THROWING UP ALL OVER THE BATHROOM.

OH NO. I’M SO SORRY.

MAYBE IT’S TIME TO CART HIM HOME.

I’LL GO ROUND HIM UP.

HONEY, I’M SO SORRY. I DIDN’T REALIZE.

IT’S FINE. IT’S JUST NOT MEANT TO BE.

THAT IS SUCH A FATALISTIC STATEMENT.

I GET TO BE THE DRAMATIC ONE.

MAYBE I SHOULD BE THE ONE TO HELP TYLER OUT.

YOU’RE GOING TO GO IN THERE AND CLEAN UP PUKE?

I SAID HELP, NOT CLEAN.

JACK, SHAWN. A LITTLE HELP PLEASE OR NOT.

I THINK I’LL TAKE HIM HOME. HE’S HAD ENOUGH.

YES. THAT’S PROBABLY A GOOD IDEA.

WE CAN TAKE HIM HOME.

REALLY?

THAT’S PROBABLY NOT A GOOD IDEA.

HAPPY NEW YEAR, WILL.

HAPPY NEW YEAR.

YOU WILL RING HIM TOMORROW.

I DON’T KNOW.

NIGHT.

THIS IS WHY I LOVE SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA.

SITTING AT THE POOL IN JANUARY.

AMEN TO THAT. SO, ANYTHING NEW?

WE’RE CONSIDERING BECOMING A TRIAD.

A WHAT?

A TRIAD.

A THREEWAY RELATIONSHIP.

OOHHH.

LISTEN TO YOU JUDGEY BEAR.

I’M NOT JUDGING.

YES YOU ARE BUT I FORGIVE YOU.

YOU GUYS SHOULD BE THANKFUL YOU HAVE EACH OTHER.

I CAN’T GET ONE BOYFRIEND AND YOU WANT TWO?

WHAT ABOUT JOSH?

WHY ISN’T ANYONE TRYING TO SET ME UP WITH JOSH?

BECAUSE HE’S A CATCH.

I DON’T KNOW WHAT YOU GUYS ARE THINKING,

BUT IF JACK WANTED HIM, HE’D BE OUR THIRD IN A HEARTBEAT.

AND NO WAY THAT’S GOING TO HAPPEN RIGHT NOW, WITH ANYONE.

SO HE’S A CATCH AND THAT MEANS YOU CAN’T SET HIM UP WITH ME.

EVERYONE KNOWS WILL AND JOSH ARE THE SETTLE DOWN TYPE AND YOU HANK ARE NOT.

OKAY, YOU’RE RIGHT. I’M NOT.

HEY.

OH, YOU OKAY?...

DO YOU NEED US TO BRING YOU ANYTHING?...

OH, OKAY.. ARE YOU SURE?... OKAY, BYE.

WHO WAS THAT? THAT WAS RICH. HE’S NOT FEELING WELL.

HE’S NOT COMING OUT TODAY.

WILL, WAS HE SICK THIS MORNING.

NOT THAT I KNOW OF.

HE’S PROBABLY JUST HUNG OVER FROM THE PARTY LAST NIGHT.

YOU DIDN’T SEE HIM THIS MORNING?

NO. I WENT TO THE GYM EARLY THIS MORNING.

BACK TO JOSH. DO YOU THINK HE’S A TOP OR A BOTTOM?

OH HE’S A BOTTOM. TOP.

BOTTOM. I DON’T CARE.

YES YOU DO.

I CARE. I JUST KNOW HE’S A TOP.

WRONG, BITTERMEISTER.

YOU HOPE HE’S A TOP.

AND HOPE ALL YOU WANT, JOSH ISN’T INTO YOU, HANK.

WILL? TOP OR BOTTOM?

TOP OR BOTTOM?

TOP? BOTTOM? TOP?

SHAWN, I’M NOT GOING TO PLAY THIS STUPID GAME WITH YOU.

SUCH A BABY.

GOD.

AND HE’S NEVER COMING BACK.

BELIEVE IT OR NOT THAT WAS MORE MATURE THAN NORMAL.

I WISH MY BOYFRIENDS DIDN’T WANT TO TALK.

AND BY BOYFRIENDS YOU MEAN TRICKS.

PO-TA-TO PUH-TA-TO.

YOU MISSED A REALLY GOOD TIME AT THE POOL TODAY.

OH MY GOD.

OH MY GOD. RICH. RICH. RICH! RICH!

OH MY GOD. RICH!

RICHIE, RICHIE!

9-1-1.

YEAH, MY FRIEND, HE TOOK SOME PILLS.

WHAT KIND?

I DON’T KNOW. CALM DOWN.

I DON’T KNOW IT’S UM.

LOCATION PLEASE.

YEAH, WE’RE AT 20 CEDAR STREET.

L.A.? YEAH.

HELP IS ON THE WAY THERE.

I KNOW THE BOTH OF YOU MUST BE IN SHOCK.

SUICIDE IS NEVER AN EASY THING TO DEAL WITH.

CAN WE PLEASE STOP SAYING IT WAS SUICIDE?

IT WAS AN ACCIDENTAL OVERDOSE.

WILL.

THERE WAS NO NOTE.

RICH DIDN’T DO DRUGS AND HE DIDN’T DRINK THAT MUCH.

I KNOW THIS IS OVERWHELMING,

BUT HE DID NAME THE BOTH OF YOU AS EXECUTORS TO HIS ESTATE.

THE BOTH OF US?

ISN’T THAT FOR ONE PERSON?

WELL, EACH SITUATION IS DIFFERENT.

WHEN RICH DRAFTED THIS WILL, HE WAS VERY, VERY CLEAR.

WHAT DO WE NEED TO DO?

LIKE FUNERAL ARRANGEMENTS?

RICH’S REQUEST WAS TO BE CREMATED AND HAVE HIS ASHES SPREAD AT THE BEACH.

THE MAJORITY OF HIS MONEY IS GOING TO VARIOUS CHARITIES.

WILL, HE’S LEFT YOU THE CONDO ON CEDAR STREET.

NOW MOST OF HIS BIG TICKET ITEMS ARE COVERED,

BUT THE TWO OF YOU WILL HAVE TO DECIDE

WHAT TO DO WITH HIS REMAINING PERSONAL EFFECTS.

YOU MEAN HIS STUFF.

YES. AND HE’S ALSO ASKED THAT YOU GIVE THE EULOGY.

DID YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HE WAS PLANNING THIS?

NO.

UM, I DON’T SEE ANYTHING ABOUT LILLY IN HERE.

WOW.

HE LEFT QUITE AN AMOUNT

TO THAT YOUTH CHARITY I VOLUNTEER WITH.

YOU DIDN’T SEE ANY SIGNS?

NO.

YOU’VE BEEN AROUND FOR YEARS, DIDN’T YOU?

LOOK, I’LL TAKE CARE OF THE REMAINS

AND YOU CAN ORGANIZE THE WAKE AT THE HOUSE, YEAH?

YEAH. THAT’S FINE.

I DO HAVE A NUMBER OF PAPERS FOR YOU BOTH TO SIGN.

BUT IF THERE’S ANYTHING THAT I CAN DO...

ANYTHING... PLEASE LET ME KNOW.

[MELANCHOLY POP MUSIC]

♪♪

IF YOU KNEW RICH LIKE I KNEW RICH,

YOU’D KNOW HE LOVES PARTIES.

HE ALWAYS SAID TO ME,

THAT WHEN IT’S MY TIME TO GET CALLED HOME

I WANT TO HAVE THE BIGGEST PARTY.

GUESS WE MESSED THAT ONE UP, HUH BUDDY?

WE’RE ALL IN BLACK.

HE’S PROBABLY LOOKING AT US NOW FROM SOME FABULOUSLY DECORATED ROOM.

I HOPE YOU LIKE IT.

YOU PROBABLY HATE YOUR URN.

YOU WOULD HATE ME ACTING LIKE THIS.

SORRY ABOUT THAT TOO.

I JUST DON’T KNOW WHAT I’M GOING TO DO WITHOUT MY OLDEST FRIEND.

RICH ALWAYS SAID THAT THE CURE FOR ANYTHING WAS SALTWATER.

TEARS, SWEAT, OR THE SEA.

RICH THOUGHT THE GREATEST GIFTS IN LIFE WERE FRIENDSHIP,

LOVE, AND FORGIVENESS.

IF YOU HAD THOSE THEN YOU HAD A RICH LIFE.

I KNOW HE GAVE THOSE TO ME

AND TO EACH AND EVERY ONE OF YOU HERE.

HE’LL BE SADLY MISSED.

MAY HE REST IN PEACE.

HOW DO YOU EVEN BEGIN TO BOX UP SOMEBODY’S LIFE.

WELL, YOU CAN START BY MAKING THREE PILES.

ONE TO GIVE AWAY,

ONE TO DONATE, AND TRASH.

AND YOU KNOW WE STILL NEED TO FIND LILLY A HOME.

ONCOLOGY-TRASH.

DONATE.

TO WHO, WILL?

ARE YOU ASKING OR ARGUING?

I’M NOT ARGUING, I’M EXPEDITING.

I DON’T KNOW HOW THIS IS SO EASY FOR YOU.

I’M NOT TELLING YOU HOW TO PROCESS YOUR FEELINGS.

RICH DIDN’T LIKE PEOPLE TO BE SAD.

THAT’S ALL.

I JUST DON’T GET YOU.

AND I DON’T UNDERSTAND

WHY YOU’RE SO HELL-BENT ON GIVING LILLY AWAY SO FAST.

BUT I DON’T SAY ANYTHING OUT LOUD.

BECAUSE EVERY TIME I SEE LILLY, I SEE RICH. OKAY?

SORRY.

WHO ARE YOU CALLING NOW, THE SHELTER?

HEY CHRISTINE, IT’S WILL.

WHEN YOU GET THIS GIVE ME A CALL IN CASE

YOU WANT ANYTHING BEFORE JOSH THROWS IT ALL AWAY.

SHE’S OUT DELIVERING THE DONATIONS TODAY.

SHE JUST WANTS SOME PHOTOS.

A BOX OF OLD CASSETTE TAPES.

WHO STILL HAS THOSE?

GENESIS, ACKA/DACKA.

WHAT’S ACKA/DACKA?

IT’S AN AUSSIE THING. AC/DC.

THE GO-GO’S.

OH. I LOVE THE GO-GO’S.

♪ VACATION, ALL I EVER WANTED ♪

♪ VACATION, HAVE TO GET AWAY ♪

YOU KNOW THE GO-GO LYRICS?

BECAUSE I DON’T GO GOO-GOO FOR LADY BLAH-BLAH,

I KNOW SINGLE ONES.

WELL, YOU HAVE TO SAVE THOSE.

DO YOU EVEN OWN A CASSETTE TAPE PLAYER?

NO.

THEN TRASH.

SAVE.

WILL, CAN YOU GIVE ME A HAND PLEASE.

WOW! LOOK AT THIS PICTURE OF THE TWO OF YOU.

LET’S SEE.

LOOKS LIKE HAWAII, 2000.

LOOK HOW YOUNG RICH LOOKS. I LOOK ALRIGHT.

JUST FOR THE RECORD, THIS IS NOT EASY FOR ME EITHER.

I KNOW.

WE MAY NOT PROCESS THINGS THE SAME WAY WILL.

YOU AND I ARE NOT SO DIFFERENT.

HE ALWAYS PLANNED THE BEST TRIPS, DIDN’T HE?

I MISS YOU. WANKER.

I’M SO ANGRY AT HIM. YOU WANT TO HEAR CRAZY?

AFTER THE WAKE I WAS SO UPSET

I ACTUALLY PICKED THE PHONE UP TO CALL HIM.

I KEEP THINKING HE’S GOING TO COME OUT

OF ONE OF HIS BEDROOMS AND THROW FIT

BECAUSE WE’RE PACKING UP ALL HIS STUFF.

IT’S NOT STUFF.

COLLECTABLES.

BECAUSE WE’RE BOXING UP HIS COLLECTABLES.

THANKS.

YEAH, ME TOO.

I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN.

YEAH, WELL, YOU WEREN’T THERE. IT’S NOT YOUR FAULT.

LISTEN TO ME.

WHAT RICH DID--

WAS AN ACCIDENT.

NO, NO, NO NO! WHAT RICH DID WAS WHAT RICH DID.

THAT’S NOT YOUR FAULT. OKAY.

IT COMES IN WAVES, YOU KNOW?

YEAH, I DO.

OH WOW, LOOK. THERE’S SO MUCH YARN.

DONATE.

IT’S TRASH, WILL. IT’S YARN.

RICH WOULD WANT SOMEONE TO HAVE THAT.

WILL, IT’S TRASH.

YOU CAN’T JUST THROW EVERYTHING AWAY BECAUSE IT’S EASIER.

LISTEN TO ME.

I GET IT, BUT THIS ISN’T RICH. THIS IS JUST STUFF.

IT’S TRASH. GIVE ME THE YARN.

GIVE ME THE YARN.

OKAY, HAVE IT. DONATE! WHATEVER.

PLEASE JOSH. TAKE ME HOME.

DON’T PUT ME IN THE TRASH.

WILL, DON’T LET HIM THROW ME IN THE TRASH.

IT’S TRASH WILL.

DID YOU KNOW HE HAD THIS MUCH STUFF?

NO. LISTEN, DO YOU JUST WANT TO CALL IT A DAY

AND WE’LL PICK BACK UP TOMORROW?

YEAH, THAT’S GOOD.

DO YOU WANNA GO FOR A DRINK?

I THINK I’M JUST GOING TO THE BEACH

AND GO FOR A RUN TO CLEAR MY HEAD.

ARE YOU SURE?

PLEASE WILL. GO FOR A DRINK WITH JOSH.

I CAN’T.

ALRIGHT, THAT’S COOL.

ALRIGHT, I’LL SEE YOU TOMORROW MAN.

DID YOU KNOW HE COLLECTED ALL THESE CHACHKIES?

DIDN’T YOU KNOW HE HAD THESE SALT AND PEPPER SHAKERS?

YOU KNOW WHO HATES THESE?

FRANK.

WELL THEN I THINK YOU SHOULD GIVE HIM A PAIR.

OH. DONE.

HOW WOULD YOU DO IT?

DO WHAT?

COMMIT SUICIDE.

I WOULDN’T.

IF YOU HAD TO.

WELL, I DON’T HAVE TO.

IF YOU HAD TO!

JESUS JOSH! CAN YOU GIVE IT A REST?

REALLY JOSH?

YOU PUSHED THAT TOO HARD.

YOU SHOULD GO CHASE HIM.

UH, NO. YOU SHOULD.

TRUST ME. HE DOESN’T WANT ME

CHASING HIM DOWN RIGHT NOW.

GIVE HIM SOME SPACE. HE’LL BE FINE.

I JUST NEED A BREAK. I NEED A BREAK FROM THIS.

IT’S OK. IT’S OK. IT’S OK.

TAKE A BREAK. I CAN FINISH UP HERE.

OKAY.

HEY.

HEY.

WHERE’S CHRISTINE?

SHE NEEDED A BREAK.

LOOK, I’M SORRY.

IT’S FINE.

IT’S NOT REALLY. I’M SORRY.

I’VE NEVER DEALT WITH ANYTHING

LIKE THIS EITHER AND I’M KIND OF THROWN FOR A LOOP?

I KNOW.

IT’S ALMOST LIKE RICH WAS THE GLUE THAT HELD US ALL TOGETHER.

YEAH, HE HAD A REAL TALENT FOR THAT.

I WISH I HAD TOLD HIM THAT.

HE KNEW.

TRUCE.

TRUCE.

AND RICH WOULD BE SO HAPPY RIGHT NOW,

YOU AND I GETTING ALONG LIKE THIS.

OKAY, SO WHAT’S LEFT TO PACK?

OH GOD. I THINK IT’S ALL DONE.

YEAH?

EXCEPT FOR THIS.

NO.

I GAVE RICH THIS BOTTLE TWO YEARS AGO.

ONE SHOT. IN HONOR OF RICH.

ONE SHOT.

TO RICH.

TO RICH.

WHEREVER YOU ARE.

WHAT HAPPENED TO ONE SHOT?

WELL YOU GOT TO MAKE A TOAST AND I DIDN’T.

ALRIGHT.

TO RICH.

AND HOW HE PAMPERED HIS DOG.

CHEERS.

ALRIGHT, ONE MORE.

YOU’RE A BIG BOY HUH?

YOU KNOW I COULD DRINK YOU UNDER

THE TABLE IF I WANTED TO.

AND I BELIEVE YOU BELIEVE THAT.

YEAH, WELL? I COULD.

TO RICH AND HIS CRAZY FRIENDS.

IT’S A BIT SMOOTHER ISN’T IT? IT’S GOOD.

I CAN DRINK THAT DOWN.

IT’S THE LAST ONE.

DRINK IT UP.

LET’S NOT DO THIS

THE TEQUILA’S WORKING OVERTIME.

LET’S GET YOU TO BED.

I’M NOT TIRED.

OF COURSE YOU’RE NOT.

I DON’T WANT TO GO TO BED.

NOPE.

OF COURSE YOU DON’T BUT-- NOPE.

NOPE. NOPE. NOT READY FOR BED.

ALRIGHT, BED.

THERE YOU GO.

I CAN’T SLEEP WITH MY SOCKS ON.

SOCKS.

SOCKS.

THANK YOU.

SOCK.

ALRIGHT, I WILL SEE YOU TOMORROW MISTER DRUNKIE.

DON’T GO.

I HAVE TO.

I DON’T WANT TO SLEEP ALONE.

YOU’LL BE FINE. GO TO SLEEP.

GOD! WHY WON’T YOU LIKE ME?

WILL I DO, I DO.

BUT I DON’T WANT THIS TO BE HOW IT HAPPENS WHEN YOU’RE DRUNK.

YOU HAVE A SAFE SLEEP.

I THINK I’M HUNG-OVER.

I WONDER WHY.

IT’S YOUR FAULT.

WELL, I SEEM TO RECALL SOMEONE SAYING

THEY COULD DRINK ME UNDER THE TABLE.

YEAH, WELL THOSE ARE WORDS I’M LIVING TO REGRET.

WELL, HELLO.

IS THIS YOURS?

UGH. DON’T TOUCH ME WITH THAT.

YOU DON’T KNOW WHERE THAT’S BEEN.

I’M PRETTY SURE I KNOW WHERE THAT’S BEEN.

WHAT DO YOU EVEN DO WITH SOMETHING THAT SIZE?

REALLY? DO YOU WANT ME TO SHOW YOU?

THAT IS NEVER GOING TO HAPPEN?

NEVER SAY NEVER.

OH WOW, WILL.

YOU REALLY NEED TO TRY THIS ON.

NO. WHY DON’T YOU TRY IT ON.

I WOULD, BUT IT’S NEVER GOING TO FIT ME?

WELL ISN’T THAT CONVENIENT?

I’LL TELL YOU WHAT.

IF YOU TRY THIS ON,

I’LL TAKE LILLY TILL WE CAN FIND HER A PROPER HOME.

YOU’LL TAKE LILLY IF I TRY THIS STUPID THING ON?

YEP.

NO PICS THOUGH.

DONE.

DONE.

JOSH, I DON’T KNOW HOW THIS WORKS.

THIS ISN’T VERY ?

ARGH! THIS IS SO STUPID!

I FEEL UTTERLY STUPID.

YOU LOOK.

IDIOTIC.

I KNOW WHAT I MEAN WILL. YOU LOOK HOT.

SHUT UP.

SERIOUSLY THOUGH.

YOU LOOK FUCKING AMAZING.

OKAY, CAN I TAKE THIS OFF NOW?

WAIT, THERE’S SOMETHING WRONG WITH IT.

HOW LONG ARE WE GOING TO KEEP FIGHTING THIS?

FIGHTING WHAT?

DO YOU ALWAYS HAVE TO HAVE THE LAST WORD?

NOT ALWAYS.

OH SHIT.

LISTEN, WHOEVER IT IS, THEY CAN COME BACK.

I HAVE TO GET THAT.

LISTEN, THEY CAN COME BACK.

EVERYBODY. EVERYBODY HAS KEYS TO THIS HOUSE.

LISTEN TO ME.

THEY CAN COME BACK.

I’LL BE RIGHT BACK.

YOU’RE BUSY. COME ON.

HELLO.

OH, UM.

OH. DID I CATCH YOU BOYS AT A BAD TIME?

IT’S NOT EVEN MINE.

OH, WELL IT LOOKS LIKE YOU’RE HAVING FUN.

I’LL COME BACK LATER.

NO, NO. IT’S FINE, JUST STAY.

UHH, NO!

AND JUST FOR THE RECORD

YOU PUT YOUR JUNK AND YOUR BALLS THROUGH THE BOTTOM RING.

WHAT?

THE BOTTOM RING. THIS.

YOU PUT YOUR JUNK THROUGH HERE AND THAT’S HOW IT STAYS PUT.

IT’S A COCK-RING.

REALLY? BECAUSE THAT SEEMS A LITTLE SMALL.

IT WILL WORK, OKAY?

HOW?

UHH?

WELL. ..YOU PUT YOUR BEANS THROUGH THE RING,

ONE BEAN AT A TIME.

AND THEN YOU SLIDE YOUR FRANK THROUGH IT.

HOW DO YOU KNOW ABOUT THE BEANS AND FRANK?

I’M REALLY A GAY MAN.

BYE.

YOU DON’T HAVE TO GO.

I’M ALREADY GONE.

AND RICH WAS RIGHT. STOP FIGHTING IT WILLUP.

YOU PUT IT THROUGH THIS.

SO, WHERE WERE WE?

YOUR TURN.

BACK TO YOU.

MORNING BEAUTIFUL.

MORNING.

WELL WHO KNEW YOU HAD THOSE SKILLS?

DO YOU REALLY THINK RICH KNEW THIS WOULD HAPPEN?

KNOWING RICH, YEAH.

WHY DID WE WAIT SO LONG TO DO THIS?

OH, DO WE REALLY NEED TO GET THROUGH A LIST OF THEM.

PROBABLY NOT.

YOU LOOK REALLY HANDSOME, MISTER.

YOU DO TOO.

IS IT SICK THAT WE DID IT IN RICH’S BED?

PROBABLY.

YEAH, PROBABLY.

I HAVE TO GET UP.

I TOLD THE BOYS I’D HAVE BREAKFAST WITH THEM.

YEAH.

I’M NOT RUNNING.

I JUST HAVE BREAKFAST PLANS WITH THE BOYS.

YOU COULD COME.

I WOULD LOVE TO BUT TODAY’S THE DAY I PROMISED

I’D RUN SOME STUFF UP NORTH TO RICHARD’S DAD’S.

MAYBE I COULD JUST GO WITH YOU.

MMM. NO. YOU GO ENJOY YOURSELF WITH THE BOYS. YOU DESERVE IT.

YOU PUT IN A LOT OF HARD WORK LAST NIGHT.

YEAH, WELL THERE’S MORE WHERE THAT CAME FROM.

I’M OFFICIALLY RUNNING LATE NOW.

SEE YOU TOMORROW THOUGH, YEAH?

ABSOLUTELY.

HOW’S PACKING GOING?

IT’S FINE, IT’S JUST WEIRD

TO PACK UP SOMEBODY’S LIFE INTO BOXES

LIKE THEY NEVER EXISTED.

WELL, IT’S NOT LIKE THEY NEVER EXISTED; THOSE ARE JUST THINGS.

YEAH, WELL IT FEELS WRONG TO ME.

IS JOSH HELPING YOU EVERY DAY?

YEAH. I MEAN HE’S, YOU KNOW,

BRINGING SOME STUFF UP TO RICH’S DAD’S.

WHY DO YOU HAVE THAT LOOK ON YOUR FACE?

WHAT LOOK?

I KNOW THAT LOOK.

YOU NEED TO HAVE SOME MORE COFFEE.

YOU’VE BEEN HAVING SEX!

NO, I HAVEN’T.

YOU DO SMELL LIKE SEX WILL.

OH JUICY! OUT WITH IT.

NO, YOU DID NOT SLEEP WITH JOSH.

YES.

AND?

AND?

IT WAS AMAZING.

RICH IS SMILING IN HIS GRAVE RIGHT NOW.

YEAH, WELL THAT’S SO WRONG ABOUT IT.

NO, THIS IS WHAT RICH WANTED.

OH, DID RICH WANT US TO HAVE SEX IN HIS BED?

EW! NO RESPECT I TELL YOU.

YEAH WELL IT JUST HAPPENED.

CAN WE PLEASE JUST TALK ABOUT SOMETHING.

UH, NO. LET’S HEAR SOME DETAILS.

NO, NO, NO DETAILS.

ARE YOU TWO A COUPLE NOW?

I DON’T KNOW.

I DON’T WANT IT TO BE WEIRD

WHEN I SEE HIM TOMORROW.

IT’S NOT GOING TO BE WEIRD.

THIS ISN’T THE FIRST TIME YOU’VE HAD SEX.

WELL, THIS IS THE FIRST TIME I’VE HAD SEX WITH JOSH.

I REMEMBER MY FIRST TIME.

DO YOU?

UH, NO?

BUT I WILL REMEMBER OUR FIRST TIME WITH A THIRD.

YOU GAVE INTO THAT? REALLY?

WILL, IT’S JUST SEX.

REMEMBER THAT NEXT TIME YOU SEE JOSH.

JUST CUZ YOU TWO HOOKED UP DOESN’T MEAN YOU HAVE TO GET MARRIED.

THIS IS JUST A LITTLE BIT MORE THAN HOOKING UP.

GOOD FOR YOU WILL.

OH, HEY COLLIN. WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

I KNEW YOU’D BE OVER HERE.

HOW DID YOU KNOW THAT?

YOUR CAR’S OUTSIDE.

I’M SORRY ABOUT YOUR FRIEND.

THANKS MAN.

WELL, CAN I COME IN?

I’M JUST ON MY WAY OUT.

BUT I CAME TO CONSOLE YOU.

I DON’T NEED IT COLLIN.

WHY NOT? BESIDES, IT’S NEVER STOPPED YOU BEFORE.

IT’S NOT THAT.

IS IT A BAD TIME? ARE OTHER PEOPLE HERE?

I’M INTO A LITTLE GROUP ACTION. IT WOULDN’T BE MY FIRST TIME.

THERE’S NO ONE ELSE HERE BABE.

PERFECT.

COLLIN, YOU’RE A SWEET SEXY GUY,

BUT YOU AND I ARE ON DIFFERENT PAGES.

SO THEN IT’S YOU NOT ME THEN.

YEP.

ARE YOU SURE THAT I CAN’T COME IN FOR A MINUTE?

BYE COLLIN.

COLLIN, ENOUGH.

HANK, WHAT’S UP?

I’M PICKING UP A BOX WILL LEFT FOR ME.

DID YOU JUST HAVE SEX WITH COLLIN IN DEAD RICH’S HOUSE?

SCANDAL.

NO.

WELL HE DIDN’T LEAVE WITH ANY BOXES.

I DON’T HAVE TIME FOR THIS HANK. PLEASE. I’M RUNNING LATE.

WHY DOES IT SMELL LIKE SEX IN HERE THEN?

I DIDN’T HAVE SEX WITH COLLIN, HANK.

NO! WITH UPTIGHT WILL?

HE’S NOT UPTIGHT. LET’S NOT TALK ABOUT THIS.

OH, WE ARE GOING TO TALK ABOUT IT!

LISTEN. I AM GOING TO PUT MY SHOES ON.

YOU’RE GOING TO GET YOUR BOX AND LEAVE.

WILD NIGHT, I SEE.

IT WASN’T LIKE THAT.

I’M JEALOUS.

HANK, THIS ISN’T GOING TO HAPPEN. OKAY.

WHY NOT? IT’S JUST SEX.

ISN’T WILL ONE OF YOUR GOOD FRIENDS?

YEAH. HE’S TOO GOOD FOR YOU.

AND YOU!

I’M BAD FOR YOU.

YOU SHOULD STOP!

NO MEANS YES.

HEY HANK, WHAT’S UP?

SO, ARE YOU GOING TO GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE?

I DON’T KNOW.

SHAWN, CAN YOU TAKE THIS TO THE CAR, PLEASE?

SURE.

HEY GUYS, SORRY I’M LATE. THIS STUFF, HERE?

YEAH, THAT’S GREAT. THANKS.

LISTEN WILL. YOU KNOW I’M NO RELATIONSHIP EXPERT,

BUT I REALLY DO THINK YOU TWO HAVE SOMETHING.

WOULD YOU TOLERATE THAT?

OKAY, FIRST, WE’RE TALKING ABOUT

HANK WHO GETS HIS CLAWS INTO EVERYTHING.

BUT WOULD YOU TOLERATE THAT THE DAY AFTER SEX?

IF YOU KNEW EVERYTHING I’VE PUT UP WITH

OVER THE LAST THREE YEARS WITH SEAN,

BUT I LOVE HIM.

AND IN THE END, THE GOOD DOES OUT WEIGH THE BAD.

YEAH, BUT YOU GUYS HAVE HISTORY. AND THIS IS BRAND NEW.

YOU DON’T THINK HE’S A LITTLE BIT SCREWED UP IN THE HEAD FROM RICH DYING?

WE’RE ALL HERE JUST TRYING TO FUNCTION.

COME ON.

GIVE HIM A LITTLE SLACK.

LOOK. NOT EVERY MISTAKE THAT EVERYBODY MAKES

IS BECAUSE RICH KILLED HIMSELF.

THERE’S ALSO TWO SIDES TO EVERY STORY.

YOU TWO ARE GOING TO WORK THIS OUT.

YOU CALL ME LATER?

YEAH.

IS THERE ANYTHING ELSE?

UM, JUST THE ONE BOX IF YOU COULD TAKE IT?

SURE.

THANKS SO MUCH FOR HELPING OUT TODAY.

I APPRECIATE IT. NO PROBLEM.

LISTEN, I KNOW THIS ISN’T THE BEST TIMING,

BUT I WAS WONDERING IF YOU’D LIKE TO HAVE DINNER WITH ME?

OH TOM, I’M REALLY FLATTERED,

I’M JUST NOT INTO DATING RIGHT NOW.

YOU’RE NOT INTO DATING OR YOU’RE NOT INTO ME?

I’M NOT INTO DATING.

LISTEN, I’M A BIG BOY.

YOU CAN TELL ME IF YOU LIKE SOMEBODY ELSE.

WELL, I DON’T.

REALLY? BECAUSE EVERYONE’S

TALKING ABOUT YOU AND JOSH.

OH, EVERYONE WHO?

EVERYONE.

EVERYONE WE KNOW IS TALKING ABOUT YOU AND JOSH.

WELL THERE’S NOTHING GOING ON BETWEEN JOSH AND I.

WHATEVER YOU HEARD, IT’S JUST NOT TRUE!

ALL WE’RE DOING IS BOXING UP THIS HOUSE TOGETHER.

THAT’S IT. YOU’RE SURE?

LOOK. WHATEVER YOU HEARD,

IT’S A RUMOR.

OKAY. SO NO CHANCE?

TOM, I HAVE A LOT ON MY PLATE RIGHT NOW. OKAY?

OKAY.

NICE HAT.

THANKS.

THAT’S NEVER LOOKED GOOD ON ME.

WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN ALL DAY?

I UMM, HEARD WHAT YOU SAID TODAY.

HEARD ME SAY WHAT?

TO TOM.

TELLING HIM YOU THOUGHT THERE WAS NOTHING HERE BETWEEN US.

YEAH, WELL MAYBE WHAT WE SHOULD BE TALKING ABOUT

IS HOW YOU LET HANK BLOW YOU.

LISTEN, HE TRIED

BUT NOTHING HAPPENED.

NOTHING HAPPENED!

THAN WHY WOULD HANK LIE ABOUT THAT?

BECAUSE SOME PEOPLE JUST AREN’T HAPPY

UNLESS EVERYONE ELSE AROUND THEM IS MISERABLE.

I WANT TO BELIEVE YOU.

I DO.

THAN BELIEVE ME, BECAUSE IT’S TRUE.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING? WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?

YOU SHOULD LEAVE.

YOU CAN’T TELL ME YOU DON’T WANT TO DO THIS!

ACTUALLY I CAN. YOU NEED TO LEAVE.

I’M NOT LEAVING! FINE, THEN I WILL.

AND WHEN I COME BACK YOU BEST BE GONE.

I FEEL SICK.

I HAVE TO CLEAR MY HEAD.

WHY WOULD I LIE ABOUT THIS WILL?

I DON’T KNOW.

NOTHING MAKES SENSE ANYMORE.

IT DOESN’T MAKE SENSE TO ME EITHER.

BUT WE CAN WORK THIS OUT TOGETHER.

THAT’S THE THING WITH US, THE TIMING IS NEVER RIGHT.

IT HASN’T BEEN RIGHT BEFORE, IT’S NOT RIGHT NOW.

THAT’S BULLSHIT WILL. TIMING.

TIMING IS WHAT YOU MAKE OF IT.

YOU HAVE A CHOICE TO BE HAPPY WILL.

I WANT TO BE HAPPY, I DO.

THAN CHOOSE IT,

BUT YOU’VE GOT TO MEET ME HALF WAY.

WE HAVE SOMETHING SO SPECIAL,

BUT YOU’VE GOT TO WANT IT.

PLEASE.

LIFE IS A SERIES OF CHOICES.

AND I CHOOSE TO BE HAPPY.