Original subtitles

- [Narrator] Tonight,

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all the way from the world famous Lodge in Dallas, Texas,

America's number one gentleman's club,

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where the Big D meets double Ds,

the man who strikes fear

into the hearts of white folks everywhere.

And now he's here to mess with Texas.

Living legend Paul Mooney.

(upbeat music) (audience applauding)

(upbeat music ends)

- Thank you, thank you so much.

White folks, I have some very bad news for you.

(audience laughing)

And don't hate me, I'm just the messenger.

I mean, it's the worst nightmare has come true.

It is the end of the fricking world.

White folks, there will never, never, never

be a white president

again.

(audience laughing)

(audience applauding)

It's over.

It's over.

It's so sad, it's never, never.

I've been doing the Jesse Jackson for two days.

(audience laughing)

Did you see Jesse crying?

Was Jesse crying or trying to take a crap?

(audience laughing)

No, it's so sad.

And I see some of your little, white faces,

you don't believe me.

I'm telling you, it's over.

End it.

You'll never ever have a white president again.

You know black people's record.

Once we take over, we take over.

(audience laughing)

And you know, you know that better than we know that.

You know our track record.

You tried to keep us outta baseball.

We got in, we took the fuck over.

(audience laughing)

You didn't want us in the heavyweight championship.

You didn't want us.

We got in, we took the fuck over.

We take over.

Basketball, we took over.

Football, we took over.

You can't keep us out, we'll take over.

You know that.

We fucked up your tennis.

(audience laughing)

We took over.

(audience applauding)

We fucked up your golf.

We took over.

Come on, keep it real, white folks, we took over.

There's no stopping us.

All you have left is swimming.

Swim, white people, swim.

(audience laughing)

Swim while you can

because the black seal is coming.

(audience laughing)

Swim.

Swim.

Once you vote black, you don't go back.

(audience laughing)

This whole thing with elections,

this whole thing has been the funniest thing on earth.

My god, the way they fishbowl and critique Obama.

He can't go to the bathroom.

Did he wipe?

(audience laughing)

What is he doing?

How is he doing?

Is it true, is it isn't true?

Is it gonna work, is it not gonna work?

He ain't been in there a hundred days.

Just on him.

And I want you guys to notice when this election came,

this is the words that white people leaned on

on that television, that radio.

President elect.

I never heard that expression so much.

President elect.

President elect.

What kind of message was they sending us?

Don't get that excited, it hasn't happened yet.

(audience laughing)

President elect.

When that white man get in the office,

he's either the president or the next president.

President elect, president elect.

And Obama's a gentleman, and he's a very nice man.

The things that came out of people's mouth.

(audience applauding)

The things that white folks said.

Hillary, the shit that come outta Hillary's mouth.

I'm not gonna quit, it's June.

Anything can happen.

Kennedy was assassinated in June.

What the fuck did that mean?

(audience laughing)

Obama, don't go to Texas?

(audience laughing)

What did she mean?

Better Obama than me.

The only thing Hillary could have did for me was be my cook.

You my cook.

Get in that kitchen, bitch, your nickname is Martha.

(audience laughing)

Cook.

- [Male Audience Member 1] Cook, bitch!

(audience laughing)

- Yeah.

Yeah, 'cause Hillary was running, somebody asked me,

"Do you miss Clinton?"

I said, yeah, I miss him.

I'd rather have my president fucking his intern

than fucking the nation.

Yes, I miss him.

(audience laughing)

Yes, I miss him.

(audience applauding)

This election stuff was crazy.

Now they got a new black dog up in the White House.

Bo.

That is so funny 'cause Obama's daddy was named Didley.

(audience laughing)

Yes, it was some very funny shit.

Some Bo Didley shit.

That first black dog, when Obama got in the office,

that little black dog started biting everybody.

(audience laughing)

I said, tell that little black dog he can stay.

The white folks gotta go.

(audience laughing)

He start biting everybody.

This election's been crazy.

Obama was perfect for America.

He was.

(audience applauding)

He is, not was, he is.

He's perfect.

He has those big white man ears.

(audience laughing)

He looks like Malcolm X.

He talks like Martin Luther King.

Oprah loves him.

(audience laughing)

And he shits apple pie.

He's perfect.

(audience applauding)

See for black people, voting's always been racial for us.

White folks, this is your first time for race, not ours.

Even when we couldn't vote, it was always race.

Does he like colored people?

Does he like Negroes?

Does he like black people?

Does he like Afro-American?

What can he do for us?

And this, white people, this is the first time

it's been racial for you because you have the complexion

for the protection for the collection.

(audience laughing)

Your white skin protects you.

And this is your first racial trip, and it drove you crazy.

So if race drives you crazy,

imagine how crazy we must be

dealing with goddamn race.

And black people, you've been blessed.

God has been so good to you, black people.

He has.

You should thank Jesus, thank god.

God's been good to you, black folks.

He gave you Obama.

He gave you Obama.

Oh, don't feel sad, white people.

You got OJ.

(audience laughing)

(audience applauding)

Finally.

(audience laughing)

But this was a win-win situation for black people.

We could win either way.

We were gonna party either way.

If he won, we was gonna party.

If he lost, we was gonna party.

'Cause this has been interesting for us and exciting.

And if you can't understand the win-win situation,

let me break it down for you.

What was the little black tennis player's name?

What's her name?

- [Female Audience Member 1] Serena.

- When she played her sister,

remember when she played her sister?

That's a win-win situation.

I went to sleep 'cause I knew when I woke up,

somebody black had won.

(audience laughing)

That's a win-win situation.

(audience applauding)

And if you think, white folks,

if you think black people got excited over the OJ verdict,

we went crazy.

I don't know about Texas,

but in New York we were up and down the street.

We were hollering all night.

Obama beat your mama.

Obama beat your mama.

We went crazy.

I went crazy.

Obama beat your mama.

I got on the first public transportation.

I told them white folks,

"Get in the back where you fucking belong."

"Obama is president!"

(audience laughing)

I went to the first soul food restaurant.

'Cause I knew the price of chicken was going way down.

(audience laughing)

I said, "Give me a hundred wings for 10 cent, bitch."

"Obama is president!"

(audience laughing)

And everybody, stop saying Obama's half white.

Obama's half black.

Is he white enough, is he black enough?

Obama is half African.

There's a difference.

He's half African.

You've got Kunta Kinte up in there.

You don't have Toby.

What goes around comes around.

He's half African.

And that makes a difference.

I love every minute of it.

I love the news 'cause he's all over it.

It's like watching BET all day long.

(audience laughing)

A black man is running America.

And them stupid pirates.

Don't they know a black man's running America?

You can't take a black man's boat.

Yeah, they got shot.

(audience laughing)

You can't take a black man's boat.

You know Obama said shoot 'em, shoot 'em.

(audience laughing)

It's the best.

It's the funniest.

It's the damn best.

I love every fricking minute of it.

Black folks, black folks, they finally buried James Brown.

(audience laughing)

Ignorant ass James Brown.

I miss me some James Brown.

Anything James Brown said, we loved.

Popcorn, whoo!

Yes, James.

(audience laughing)

Kool-Aid, whoo!

Jump off the bridge, shut the door, ow!

James, wow!

(audience laughing)

James Brown.

Black don't crack, black don't crack.

James Brown aged so well.

James Brown looked like a old black Chinese woman.

(audience laughing)

Black don't crack, black don't crack.

You ought to see this white man's face over here.

Listen to me.

He is staring at me like I'm ET, I'm serious, he's just.

(audience laughing)

He ain't never heard nobody like me.

I'm serious, he's like that.

Ain't laughed, ain't smiled, just staring at me.

He doesn't even speak English anymore.

(audience laughing)

You know the white man gets like that, he shuts down.

He's giving me that parole board look.

(audience laughing)

Oh, he grinning now, he's trying to fake it.

He won't be getting out.

(audience laughing)

Black don't crack, black don't crack.

Tina Turner.

(audience cheering)

10 minutes older than dirt.

She's 10 minutes older than dirt.

(audience laughing)

You see her on the Grammys?

Did you see her on the Grammys?

She looked like, her skin, she looked like she's 12.

(audience laughing)

She wears Sizzler miniskirts with 12 year-old legs.

Some 12 year-old's sitting up in the hospital.

They done stole my legs.

(audience laughing)

Tina done got them legs and gone.

(audience laughing)

Remember that movie "Thunderball" she did with Mel Gibson?

Mel Gibson was older than her.

Mel Gibson looks like her grandfather.

(audience laughing)

Tina still looks the same, she looks good.

We lost Ike, you know we lost Ike.

In the hospital, Ike begged for Tina.

Tina, bring Tina in, Tina, Tina, bring her in here.

I want to slap that bitch one more time before I leave.

(audience laughing)

Tina wouldn't go.

Tina wouldn't go.

Tina said what death got to do with it.

(audience laughing)

And the Grammys made the mistake of calling Tina queen.

You know about it.

Ooh.

You know who was there.

You know who was there.

Aretha.

Aretha.

That big bitch was pissed.

(audience laughing)

She as big as a duplex.

(audience laughing)

And just titty, titty, titties for everybody.

(audience laughing)

Titties and hats, titties and hats.

(audience laughing)

She was pissed.

I was there, I tried to help her.

I said, Aretha, chill, chill.

You're the dairy queen now.

(audience laughing)

Hats and big titties.

(audience applauding)

Now I am a southerner, Louisiana.

Now I'm getting ready to tell you

how dumb white southerners are.

Texans, okay, you guys are some dumb motherfuckers.

(audience laughing)

You could have won that fucking war

with your dumb stupid ass.

You had the army.

The slaves.

Stupid.

We'd all be with the southern flag

and singing doodah and all that shit.

(audience laughing)

You would've won, you had the army.

You let the fucking north outmaneuver you.

They put them black men in those uniforms

and they beat your fucking ass.

You had the army, you had more blacks than they did.

You motherfuckers could've won.

You could've won this shit.

But your stupidity, no, no.

They's not human, no, I can't do that.

(audience laughing)

With your dumb ass.

But that white man's always been slow and dumb.

The world is flat.

You'll fall off.

Watching movies with no sound.

(audience laughing)

Dumb.

We've always outsmarted that white man.

He took our drums.

You're not gonna communicate.

There'll be no more beating of the drums.

So we made up tap dancing.

He thought we were entertaining him.

(audience laughing)

Meet Harriet Tubman at 10, we leaving this mother.

(audience laughing)

(audience applauding)

It's the end of the world, so it doesn't matter.

It's the end.

If you have any sensitivity,

it's the end of the fucking world.

That's why seagulls are sitting, oh, thank you.

How lovely.

There are some nice white folks.

Okay, let's see.

(audience laughing)

Let me think, let me think.

Over there, take it to them 'cause I'm on the wagon for now.

Right, right over there, give it to them.

(audience cheering)

My white cousins, give 'em to my white cousins.

(audience laughing)

She's beautiful.

Oh.

She's the white lady, trust me.

(audience laughing)

The black man's kryptonite.

(audience laughing)

Why can't the black superman fly?

He's with that white woman.

(audience laughing)

No, it is.

It is the end of the fricking world.

The seagulls are sitting on top of Taco Bell.

Haven't seen water in two years.

Waiting for the french fries and chicken wings

and bean burritos.

I saw a seagull attack a pigeon and eat it.

(audience laughing)

I'm telling you, it's the end.

Rats in Central Park are raping squirrels.

It's all over with.

(audience laughing)

It's the fucking end.

Some white woman was in Central Park.

I can't make this up.

Had a little, the little dogs, the little chihuahuas,

in her hand like this.

A hawk came (Paul makes screeching noise), took it.

(Paul screaming)

(audience laughing)

It could have been a baby.

Thank god it was a chihuahua.

(audience laughing)

It is truly the end of, goodnight.

(audience laughing)

Take a real good look at her, she's gonna come up missing.

(audience laughing)

No, that is, the pretty white woman always comes up missing.

Look, you've seen the posters, missing.

They're always the pretty, cute white girl.

You have never seen no ugly ass white bitch missing.

(audience laughing)

The serial killer don't give a fuck

about the ugly white woman.

He will throw her out the van.

Get your ugly ass out the van.

(audience laughing)

But that pretty white woman, he'll kill her.

You're cute, I'm going to kill you.

(audience laughing)

But it is the end, it is.

The wild animals are telling us.

Wild animals don't like white people.

(audience laughing)

Look at that polar bear in Europe

biting that white woman all up in her ass.

(audience laughing)

And she was crazy, jumping in there trying to swim.

It just bit the shit out of her.

The other, what, the black bear, the brown bear,

they're attacking white people.

White people are always teaching wild animals shit.

You white folks, stop teaching wild shit.

Stop teaching them.

No.

There was a circus bear in the woods

and some little boy at 15 was riding the bike.

The bear jumped on the bike, rode the bike,

they ain't seen the bear or the bike.

(audience laughing)

That's the truth.

Another bear, a trained bear, you read about it,

for commercials and movies,

grabbed the white man and just killed him.

They don't like white people

'cause white people are always trying to ride shit.

Go to Sea World.

(audience laughing)

White folks, stop trying to ride shit.

(audience laughing)

Look at that tiger in Las Vegas

and them Zigfield or whoever, they up there,

oh, oh, the tiger was trying to save me.

Yeah, for lunch.

(audience laughing)

The mountain lion grabbed that white man,

and the white man went out in the backyard.

Here kitty, kitty.

(Paul making growling sounds)

Just ate him up.

(audience laughing)

I'm telling you, wild thing,

that monkey went wild in New York.

White folks, they get crazy.

Look at that tiger in San Francisco

that dug that big hole in the zoo and the tiger got out,

and the white folks were so confused about it.

How did it get out?

Did the Mexicans help it?

(audience laughing)

They were talking crazy.

They were throwing rocks at that tiger.

They were fucking with that tiger.

You can't throw rocks at no big ass tiger.

It got up out of there.

And it wasn't a crazy tiger.

It ran by 20 people to get the three people

that were fucking with it.

(audience laughing)

It mauled two, ate one.

And you better believe the one it ate

was the one throwing the goddamn rocks.

(audience laughing)

Should have gave that tiger a purple heart.

(audience laughing)

Killed it for being a tiger.

I'm telling you, it's the end.

It's the end of the world.

It's so sad.

Kiss all this shit goodbye.

The wild animals and the children.

The children are trying to tell us.

They're trying to tell us.

A six year-old girl walked into her mother's bedroom

with a seven year-old friend.

Mama was given daddy head like Linda Lovelace.

The little girl was shocked.

She looked at her friend, she said,

would you believe that bitch beat my ass

for sucking my thumb?

(audience laughing)

(audience applauding)

The children.

Listen to the children.

Oh, keep it real, keep it real.

Master, Paul's going to get us in trouble.

(audience laughing)

And you black people got that shit twisted.

You got that Chris Brown shit twisted.

(audience laughing)

Them girls from the islands, they're pretty,

but they're violent,

and they're jealous.

Oh.

- Hi, honey.

- Black is truly beautiful.

(audience laughing)

(audience applauding)

- You're doing a great job, honey.

- Thank you.

The whole world should be like this.

This is, no, this is not my first time around naked women.

I used to work for Playboy.

No, you could see it on the internet and all that.

"Playboy After Dark."

For five years, I worked with them, with

Hugh Hefner's,

Barbie

and Janet and the six,

yeah, Barbie Benton,

The 6 Million-Dollar Woman, Lindsey Wagner.

We all come from there.

All of them too.

Oh, she's naked enough brother.

- [Male Audience Member 2] We're sweating down here too.

- Brother, she's naked.

What are you, a fucking outpatient?

(audience laughing)

But that's Oprah's fault.

What you just heard him talking, that's Oprah did that.

People didn't do that before Oprah.

No, I'm serious.

Oprah made people feel that they were important.

(audience laughing)

You know Oprah is fat again.

- [Female Audience Member 2] Yeah, huge.

- She's fat again.

That's a damn shame.

And she's talking about, it's her thyroid.

Thank you, baby.

Thanks, thank you, thank you, lovely.

- [Male Audience Member 2] Thank you.

(audience applauding)

- No, Oprah is fat again.

She said her thyroid.

Bitch, them neck bones.

(audience laughing)

Come on, Oprah.

Neck bones.

Can't keep up with Oprah.

That fat, skinny bitch.

Fat, skinny, skinny, fat.

Make your mind up.

Just eating, eating, eating.

But I have a love hate for Oprah.

I sent her a gift for Easter.

- [Female Audience Member 2] What was it?

- A talking refrigerator.

(audience laughing)

What do you mean, oh?

She needs it.

Every time she go to it, it's gonna tell her

all the ice cream is gone, bitch, go to sleep.

(audience laughing)

Ain't no more sweet potato pie, go to bed.

(audience laughing)

See Oprah's a trip.

Something happened on that movie, "The Color Purple."

Something 'cause Whoopi and her,

Whoopi has never been on her show.

Let's keep it real.

- [Female Audience Member 2] Yeah.

- When she had that diva special, Whoopi wasn't invited.

- [Female Audience Member 2] That's right.

- That was back in the day

when Oprah was a big water buffalo.

(audience groaning)

Whoopi saw something no human being should have seen.

(audience laughing)

Maybe a night feeding.

Something she saw.

(audience laughing)

Maybe Oprah was eating children.

I don't know.

(audience laughing)

Whoopi saw some shit no Christian should have.

(audience laughing)

Come on, let's keep it real.

Then they wouldn't let her in that store in Europe.

Remember in that store they wouldn't let in?

And then they wouldn't let her in that store in New York.

Twice that's happened.

They wouldn't let darkie in that store.

All that fame, all that money.

Blackie couldn't get in that store.

But you know what, I blame Oprah for that.

'Cause when Oprah don't have on no makeup,

you don't know who Oprah is.

(audience laughing)

I wouldn't let Oprah in my backyard.

(audience laughing)

Who is that little pickaninny trying to get in my backyard?

(audience laughing)

Shoo, fly, shoo.

(audience laughing)

- [Female Audience Member 3] Rihanna and Chris Brown.

- Rihanna and Chris Brown, what happened?

- [Female Audience Member 3] Yeah,

what happened to the island women you was telling us about?

- Oh, I was telling you about, you got it, you got it,

you got it twisted.

That woman beat the shit out that boy.

(audience laughing)

I hope he go to jail.

He'll be safe.

(audience laughing)

She beat his ass.

That's why the boy bit her.

You bite when you scared.

Mike Tyson bit that man 'cause he was scared.

(audience laughing)

You bite when you scared, man or woman, you'll bite.

That girl beat that boy, that's why he's back with her.

She said, I'll beat your ass, you better come back.

(audience laughing)

Them island girls are slick, they smart.

She got a big forehead.

She was foreheading and bumping him,

hitting him, hitting him.

(audience laughing)

It don't leave scars.

Look, have you ever seen a professional fighter, a boxer,

black eye all beat up?

The person they beat is damn near dead, knocked out.

She won that fight.

(audience laughing)

And she called her friend Naomi.

You better be glad Naomi didn't get over there.

(audience laughing)

She told Naomi, get over here, bring your cell phone.

We kicking ass, we kicking asses.

(audience laughing)

Naomi would've got there, that boy would've been dead.

(audience laughing)

You got it twisted.

You could tell by her song something wrong with that girl.

Brella, brella.

The girl is crazy.

(audience laughing)

Is Whitney coming back?

Is Whitney coming back?

Is she coming back?

Is Whitney coming back?

Bobby has a tell-all book.

He said that Whitney got him on crack.

And he said when he was going out with Janet,

she had him drinking, she made him a drunk.

Then he said he dated Oprah.

She had him eating biscuits and syrup.

(audience laughing)

Whitney tried to come back.

Didn't she try to come back?

(Paul singing)

Didn't she try to come back?

No, she's singing, what is she singing?

No, pledge allegiance to the flag, right?

(Paul singing)

♪ Oh, say can you (Paul snorting) ♪

(audience laughing)

♪ By the dawn's early (Paul snorting) ♪

♪ And so proudly we (Paul snorting) ♪

(audience groaning)

Let's talk about that whore Barbara Walters.

(audience laughing)

Oh, you think I'm being cold?

Didn't you read her book?

Sleeping with that high yellow married brother,

breaking the seventh commandment.

You all think I'm being hard?

Any married women here?

(women cheering)

Married women, if a single woman fucks a married man,

and she knows he's married, what is she?

- [Female Audience Members] A whore.

- See, see?

See?

You single women ain't said shit

'cause you could have been that ho.

(audience laughing)

But when you get married and hear me say that,

you'll be louder than anybody in here.

Where's that bitch?

I'll kill that bitch.

Because it doesn't only affect the woman,

it affects her, her kids, her parents.

It affects everybody.

It's a snowball.

That's one selfish move is a snowball.

But let me tell you how human beings relate to shit.

I could tell you right now, my brother is fucking my wife.

You could be my friend, you go, oh, Paul, that's so sad.

That's horrible.

But if I tell you my brother is fucking your wife,

you know what you say?

I'm gonna kill that motherfucker.

(audience laughing)

See the difference when it happens to you?

Human beings are real funny when it comes to shit like that.

It's strange, but it is the end world.

Somebody told me that Janet Jackson

had a complete nervous breakdown.

Well that little black leprechaun, she go with.

(audience laughing)

Her favorite movie must have been "Gremlins."

(audience laughing)

Don't let 'em go near water.

(audience laughing)

I want my motherfucking gold.

(audience laughing)

But I love rappers, I love them.

I wanna be a rapper.

Rappers get whatever they want.

They get what they want.

They're like an institution.

It could be 10 of them rapping, you could shoot 10 of 'em,

10 more is waiting to take their place.

(audience laughing)

They're like roaches, you can't stop 'em.

And they're everywhere, they're everywhere but the library.

(audience laughing)

But they get what they fucking want.

I've seen rappers in movies, they co-star their first film

with Academy Award performers just because they're rappers.

Snoop Dogg's on some major soap opera.

Then he's on a TV show.

They just get what the fuck they want.

The brain surgeon will not be operating this afternoon.

50 Cents will be taking his place.

(audience laughing)

They don't have to know nothing about nothing.

Just be a goddamn rapper.

"Dancing with the Stars."

You've seen them.

"Dancing with the Stars" called me.

I said, I don't wanna dance with no damn stars.

I'll fuck the stars, I wanna fuck 'em.

(audience laughing)

Fucking the stars, a much better show.

(audience laughing)

I wanna see the judge's reaction.

Oh my god.

(audience laughing)

I've never seen a move like that.

You'll be back.

You'll definitely be back.

(audience laughing)

Now that's a good show.

"American Idol."

Is America that bored?

Are we that bored?

They will fight you.

They know who they wanna vote for.

In the real election, they don't have any idea, not a clue.

But in "American Idol," they'll argue with you.

It's a hit.

And that Paula ab Negro.

(audience laughing)

She wants to be everything but black.

I just want to get a microphone and go on that set

and go,

nigger!

(audience laughing)

And watch her go, Randy, they're talking to you, dog.

(audience laughing)

And these diseases.

Where did these diseases come from?

They're on TV every day.

I mean, what is it with your hand?

- [Female Audience Member 4] Carpal Tunnel.

- Carpal Tunnel, okay.

Alzheimer's.

What, dyslexic, what's some other shit?

There's so much, arthritis.

What else, dementia, there's all kind.

I wanna know where was all these diseases

when we needed it during slavery?

(audience laughing)

I could have used that shit.

I's a slave, master?

I forgot.

(audience laughing)

Master, I can't pick cotton.

My arthritis, I.

(audience laughing)

I'm a dyslexic, master.

I don't know cotton from oranges.

(audience laughing)

I could have slept all day.

I got the sleeping sickness, master.

African fly bit me, I can't get up.

(audience laughing)

When master got through beating your ass,

you would pick that cotton and sing.

But that's all these goddamn diseases.

The shit is scary.

It is some scary shit

because the demons are running this shit now.

And that white man, he's so funny, ain't he?

He done fucked up the atmosphere.

They fucked up all the shit.

And just like here, there's a shortage of water.

If there's a shortage, why you selling it at the store?

(audience laughing)

There's a shortage of water, don't wash your driveway,

but you selling the shit at Ralph's.

(audience laughing)

Does that make sense?

And where does a white man get off selling the water?

Water don't come from your mama's pussy.

It comes from god.

(audience laughing)

That's not your water.

There ain't no good and bad water.

That's water.

We die without water.

They'll be selling air next.

That white man is crazy.

He done fucked up the ozone.

He done fucked up all kind of shit.

That white man is insane.

He spends all billions and trillions of dollars

trying to go to space.

God has put you here already.

Earth hangs in the middle of space.

You're trying to go where you already are at.

(audience laughing)

You're hanging right in the middle of space, you're here.

(audience laughing)

Silly shit.

He just fucks up everything.

And then he runs around talking about,

oh, the endangered species is the polar bear.

There are only two left.

That's such bullshit.

You know who the endangered species is?

The young white woman.

Go to the movies, watch TV.

Did you see "Friday the 13th," all that shit?

Who was he trying to kill?

The young white woman.

That's the endangered species.

Hollywood tells the world, kill that bitch.

Kill her.

(audience laughing)

Watch TV.

I'm not making it up, watch it.

Kill her, kill her, she ain't shit, kill the bitch.

Rape her, kill her, murder her.

Choke her.

That's what Hollywood sends out all over the world.

That's why white women all over the world come up missing.

Susie could be sitting right next to you.

(audience laughing)

God, Susie was just here, where is she?

(audience laughing)

They can find all Susie's shit, but they can't find her.

(audience laughing)

Isn't that Susie's car keys?

(audience laughing)

My god, it's her yearbook.

Susie, but fuck, where's Susie?

That's who the endangered species is.

The young white female.

'Cause that white man does not know how to say,

I don't love you, goodbye, it's over.

That's not in his vocabulary.

You are sleeping with the enemy.

He wants to fucking kill you.

And the white lady will be pregnant and get bold.

I'm carrying your baby.

And you'll find her and that baby in the river.

(audience laughing)

She'll walk her dog.

A little dog will come back wet.

That should tell you something.

(audience laughing)

And see that white man.

(Paul barking)

A little dog will get crazy.

(audience laughing)

The white woman is the endangered species.

White woman, get you a black man.

A black man knows how to say goodbye.

Fuck you, I'm outta here.

(audience laughing)

(audience applauding)

But that white man.

While that white lady sleeps,

that white man's up measuring her.

(audience laughing)

While that white lady sleeps,

that white man's up building shit.

(Paul tapping microphone)

(audience laughing)

Oh, you think I'm bullshitting?

Go to Home Depot.

(audience laughing)

They're out of duct tape.

(audience laughing)

That white man will drive home

with a brand new station wagon.

We're going on a trip.

(audience laughing)

While we sleep, that white man will take that white woman

to the darkest, deepest part of the woods.

And she'll bitch.

Lions, tigers, and bears, oh my.

Lions, she's scared.

And tigers, and bears, oh my.

And then she'll look that white man right in the face.

I'm scared.

He'll look her right back in her face.

You scared?

I'm scared.

I gotta walk back by myself.

(audience laughing)

She ain't coming back.

And that white man can act, he can act.

They'll go straight to his house.

(Paul tapping microphone)

Becky's missing.

Really?

(audience laughing)

He would've chopped Becky up and put her in a shoebox

and act like ain't nothing happening.

Well, if she calls, I'll call you.

(audience laughing)

Don't look at me like I'm making this shit up.

You've seen that white man on TV.

He'll talk so crazy about killing white women

like he's shopping at the mall.

Oh, I stabbed her, I cut her.

I went by Helen's house.

She was lucky she wasn't at home.

And then I.

(audience laughing)

But you have to give it up to that white man.

That crazy white man knows what to say in that courtroom.

Crazy white man.

(audience laughing)

Why did you wake up in the middle of the night

and kill your wife?

(Paul laughing)

(audience laughing)

I was sleepwalking.

(audience laughing)

Sleepwalking.

What an unusual case.

We're gonna have to study it.

Crazy black man, why'd you kill your wife?

I was sleep.

Sleepwalking?

We're gonna put you to sleep.

There'll be no more sleepwalking.

(audience laughing)

Crazy white man, why did you wake up

and kill all five people in your house?

I'm five different personalities.

Five different people.

What an unusual case.

We'll have to study this.

(audience laughing)

Crazy black man, why'd you?

I'm five diff.

Five different black people?

Just pick what black person you wanna be.

Somebody black's going to jail today.

(audience laughing)

I was renting a white woman a house.

She did that same shit to me.

I'm five different personalities.

I said, bitch, I'm raising your rent.

(audience laughing)

I got off into that pocketbook, she got real sane.

Sir, they all moved away, it's just me.

I said, yeah.

(audience laughing)

(audience applauding)

No, it's the end of the world.

It's the end.

Everybody done went crazy.

The school teachers done went crazy.

They arrested another school teacher

with an eight year-old in Mexico.

What is wrong with these school teachers?

You're supposed to teach the kids, not fuck 'em.

(audience laughing)

I tried to figure it out.

I said, we don't pay them enough money.

We don't.

(audience applauding)

We don't pay them enough money.

So the school teacher says, you're fucking me,

I'll fuck your kids.

You fuck me, I'll fuck your kids.

Good morning, class.

Two and two is four.

And the pussy's real good, come get it.

(audience laughing)

The teacher is a freak.

Because I get tired of people with our kids.

These people just killing our kids,

raping 'em and murder 'em, and then saying I'm crazy.

You're not crazy.

You have choices.

You know what you're doing.

That ain't fucking crazy.

Crazy is sitting in the middle of the freeway

and eating a bowl of dog shit.

That's a crazy person.

(audience laughing)

That's a crazy person.

That other shit is bullshit.

You know what the fuck you're doing.

When they rape and murder my six year-old,

I'm gonna show you what crazy is really about.

I'm chopping somebody's head off.

(audience applauding)

Yeah, now that's crazy.

And I'm taking it to the bar and talk to it.

(audience laughing)

Gimme a scotch and soda and give my friend here a beer.

(audience laughing)

It's gonna be on "Cops,"

and you're gonna be sitting there going, that man is crazy.

(audience laughing)

And I don't know what this terrorist bullshit is.

It's bullshit.

There are no terrorists.

It was all bullshit.

If there were terrorists, listen to me.

If there were terrorists, you know what they'd do?

Break every red light from here to California.

Have you ever been in a car an hour and you come up,

it's one red light that's out,

and you go, goddamn, one red light?

Imagine if 20 were out.

You wouldn't get home in two weeks.

(audience laughing)

That's your terrorist.

So it's all bullshit.

I'm scared of Chinese people.

(audience laughing)

Because I went to try to take kung fu lessons.

It didn't last but 15 minutes.

That little Asian man kept telling me, I'm your new master.

I said, fuck you, not you too.

(audience laughing)

You ain't my master, motherfucker.

I don't know karate, but I know crazy.

(audience laughing)

I told you race means everything.

That's why when I see a homeless white person,

I just start crying.

(Paul making crying sounds)

What a waste of white skin.

White people, there are no ghosts.

There are no ghosts.

If there were ghosts,

slaves would come back and beat your ass.

You do know that.

(audience laughing)

So only the white ghosts get to come back?

There are no ghosts.

You know who I miss?

'Cause I guess I've been black, I've been black too long.

You know what I miss?

There's two things I miss.

I miss the hippie white people,

and I miss the Jews that were brave.

Jews went down south and died with us.

They did.

What happened to them brave Jews?

No, they were.

Oh, you said, oh, they're all dead.

They killed them all.

No.

That's some sad shit.

And then the Madoff, what's his name?

- [Audience Members] Madoff.

- Jews, Jews stealing from Jews and nonprofit.

And it shows you how sexist that white man is.

He stayed outta jail with something around his ankle

for the longest, and then he went to jail now.

Okay.

And that white woman, Martha, got a tip.

Wait, that bitch woke up in jail.

(audience laughing)

They took that white woman, what?

Straight to jail.

That's that boys club.

They said, look, bitch, we run this shit.

You're going to jail.

When we do it, we get a pat on the hand,

little bracelet on the ankle.

But you going to jail, bitch.

Took Martha straight, but it backfired

'cause Martha ended up making all the money.

But Martha went to jail looking like Hobo Kelly.

And that bitch came out looking like Grace Kelly.

(audience laughing)

Martha looks good.

But that's Hollywood.

Hollywood is the perpetrator for all the bullshit.

I'm here to tell you.

Hollywood puts them images out.

Hollywood is scary.

I'm so sick of Hollywood trying to tell me

what little ugly white woman is cute.

I'm not Stevie Wonder.

I know cute when I see it.

(audience laughing)

They got some white woman.

She was on some hit cable show, sex and no titties, and.

(audience laughing)

She modeled for Gap.

What's her name?

Sarah.

That little rickety, crickety bitch.

(audience laughing)

I saw that little, I saw that bitch in a miniskirt.

I thought she had polio.

(audience laughing)

She couldn't pass a pimp audition.

Bitch, we selling pussy, not rickety crickety.

Get the fuck up outta here.

(audience laughing)

Then there's another one.

She used to be on "Friends"

and she was married to Brad Pitt.

What's her name?

Oh my god.

That horse face bitch.

(audience laughing)

I'd connect her to a buggy.

Giddy up, Nelly, giddy up.

(audience laughing)

Giddy up.

Oh, keep it real.

Don't be scared.

That's why Brad left her ugly ass.

Brad wasn't gonna have no babies by the ugly white woman.

Now that white woman Brad lives with

and got them three babies by, that's a cute white woman.

Skinny little white girl, cute.

With big, big lips.

Brad will never leave that white woman.

(audience laughing)

That big lip white woman can suck a dick.

Trust me.

(audience laughing)

She'll suck the chrome off your hubcaps.

(audience applauding)

Brad is going to, Brad don't even know his name.

You can go over there, hey, Steve.

Huh?

(audience laughing)

Brad don't care if she have three babies, five babies.

She adopt a Filipino African baby, Mexican.

Brad don't give a fuck.

That bitch could bring her chicken home.

(audience laughing)

Yeah, chicken, I'm your daddy.

A wake up call is a bitch, ain't it?

The Jews got their wake up call.

They was running around here thinking they was white folks.

(audience laughing)

Till Mr. Mel Gibson came along.

(audience laughing)

Mr. Proctor and Gamble.

Mr. Descendants of Rome white man.

Talking his shit.

Calling that police lady sugar tits, and Jew.

And it's your fault and you did it and blaming everything.

And you, you sank the Titanic.

The Titanic?

(audience laughing)

Iceberg, Goldberg, it's all the same.

(audience laughing)

He was talking crazy.

And white folks ain't mad at Mel because of what he said.

That's what white people say when nobody's around.

They don't like you to tell.

White folks got signals.

(audience laughing)

They don't want you telling.

Mel gave 'em all that wake up call.

And see, that's an old Roman trick.

I wash our hands of this Jesus thing.

We have nothing to do with it.

The Romans killed Jesus.

The Jews didn't kill Jesus.

They want to give you somebody to dislike.

Nothing went down in Rome.

Just like here.

We killed Kennedy.

You can always tell when it's in inside job.

It's too many stories.

Was it two guns, was it three?

Was it a bow and arrow, was it a midget, was it?

There's too much going on.

(audience laughing)

When it's outside, it's very clear who did what.

Oh no, we can't look at the records

until 5,000 years from now.

It's always bullshit connected when it's an inside job.

That English, that Lady Di shit?

Inside.

They killed that bitch.

The queen.

That dirty, murdering ugly ass bitch, she did it.

(audience applauding)

Bitch.

That was a hit.

Prince Charles didn't want the body when it was alive.

He sure broke his neck getting it when she was dead

because he knew his mammy killed her,

and he wanted to cover the shit up.

And somebody with that high profile, 10 fucking years later,

they decide to have a fucking autopsy?

And the conclusion is the driver, her driver.

Listen, when you drive for royalty

or the fucking government,

they check your mama's pussy and your booty hole.

(audience laughing)

There are no surprises.

That evil bitch did it.

She stole all them diamonds she stole from Africa.

Stealing, murdering bitch.

Ugly bitch.

(audience laughing)

Oh, her mama's ugly, her daddy's ugly, her son is ugly.

Her son's new wife look like Dane Edna.

That's the ugly bitch.

(audience laughing)

They all are ugly.

Queen Elizabeth looks like sheep shit in shallow ass water.

(audience laughing)

If she's the queen, what the fuck does the witch look like?

(audience laughing)

Lady Di was cute.

She had the it factor.

Whatever it is, Lady Di had.

They should have pulled her royal panties down

and kissed the royal pussy.

She brought beauty to them ugly ass motherfuckers.

(audience applauding)

And the only reason they killed her

because she was fucking that black Egyptian.

They tell me she was pregnant by him.

They didn't want to hear that shit.

Talking about the press is chasing them.

They was running for their goddamn life.

Dirty bastards.

Because every time they mention the accident,

(audience laughing)

they never mention he was in the car.

How come they don't say he was in the car?

You never hear them talking about him.

They don't want to bring him up.

And her little friend writing the book,

oh, she wasn't in love with him.

It was some other little skinny white Englishman.

Bullshit.

She died with who she was fucking, that was her man.

She was in the car.

Where was that little skinny white man

if she loved him so goddamn much?

Dirty.

No, but they did it.

That fucking queen did it, she did it.

And the world loved Lady Di.

She was jealous of Lady Di 'cause she was cute.

Flowers came from all over the world.

Queen Elizabeth could drop dead tonight.

Ain't no goddamn flowers coming.

(audience laughing)

A shovel.

(audience laughing)

Hurry up and bury this ugly bitch.

(audience laughing)

And then they're going to throw a cross and garlic on her

so she won't get up.

Old vampire looking bitch.

(audience laughing)

Oh, see, you guys think I'm faking it?

I don't like that bitch.

You ain't supposed to touch the queen.

I'll rub chicken grease all over that bitch.

(audience laughing)

Oh, she could walk through that door, you phonies,

your highness.

I'll snatch that bitch's purse.

I don't like that bitch.

(audience laughing)

Evil ass bitch.

I ain't dumb.

You be dumb.

Go ahead and drink the Kool-Aid.

(audience laughing)

Yes, yes, Mr. Jim Jones.

(audience applauding)

You better, oh, okay.

(audience laughing)

(audience applauding)

Thank you.

(audience laughing)

Poor OJ.

(audience laughing)

Dumb.

Dumb.

How did OJ play ball?

Did they glue the ball to his hand?

(audience laughing)

And you guys all think OJ killed that white woman?

You white folks think that.

You just say it on TV shows.

And OJ was tried and said he was innocent.

You don't even believe in an American law.

Oh no, he did it.

I go, these people are fucked up.

Listen, I mean, it's just like, it's crazy.

OJ is dumb.

Killers are smart.

They're real smart.

If OJ was this smart killer that you talk about,

he would've went over there, got his shit,

killed everybody in the house,

and went on about his business.

Let him have stole some of Dahmer's shit.

It had been a cookout over there.

(audience laughing)

OJ's too dumb for that.

Do you know that OJ called his friends up?

Dummy called his friend, help me go get my stuff.

(audience laughing)

Everybody had a tape recorder but OJ.

Dummy had a gun.

Have you heard the tapes?

Play the tapes.

Something's wrong with OJ.

He's stuck in the 70s.

OJ thinks he's Shaft.

Play the tapes.

(audience laughing)

Don't none of you jive turkeys try to split.

(audience laughing)

I'll kill you, can you dig it?

Hush your mouth.

(audience laughing)

It's some silly shit.

The boy is dumb.

Whatever happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.

And that's exactly where he'll be staying.

(audience laughing)

Why would Wesley Snipes leave Africa?

What's wrong with Wesley?

Tar baby black Wesley.

(audience laughing)

Wesley was safe in Africa.

Any tribe would accept him.

Brother.

Brother.

(audience laughing)

I'd like to see white folks try to find Wesley in Africa.

Are you Wesley?

No.

(audience laughing)

Are you Wesley?

(Paul making clicking sound with his tongue)

No.

(audience laughing)

They couldn't find him.

Wesley was safe.

Black ass Wesley.

Oh, you know Wesley's black.

If you rode Wesley home tonight in your car,

the police would stop you and give you a ticket

for tinted windows.

(audience laughing)

If you shot Wesley,

that bullet will come back and ask for a flashlight.

(audience laughing)

Hey.

(audience applauding)

Oh, look at this.

This is great.

Thank you very much, goodnight.

You've been very good to me, thanks.

(upbeat music)

Thanks.

(audience applauding)

(upbeat music continues)

Oh, another pretty one, my god.

- Mr. Mooney?

I need you to scoot forward.

- Okay.

(upbeat music continues)

Thank you.

- Thank you for getting up.

- Thank you.

Oh, this is too much.

(audience laughing)

How are you?

(upbeat music continues)

Thank you.

This is too much.

(upbeat music continues)

Thank you, I'm gonna take some of that.

Titties and champagne.

I'm getting all.

(upbeat music continues)

(upbeat music ends)

(zapping sound)