Original subtitles

Ah, come on, Reg.

Open up already.

God, it's the creature that doesn't sleep.

Come on, will you?

Why are you keeping me waiting out there?

I've already been hit on by a junkie,

two bums and a hooker.

Always nice to see a family working together, though,

isn't it?

I need coffee to go.

It's brewing.

Don't you ever just wake up and think:

"Wow, what a beautiful day. Isn't it great to be alive?"

W-W-Where did you grow up, in a greeting card?

Well, you're always so cynical.

I don't understand why you can't be more positive.

Oh, I'm positive.

I'm positive that every single day

the evil forces of nature are out there

waiting to screw me.

Wow, how do you get through a day with that attitude?

I have a cup of coffee.

All right, I heard you the first time.

So why are you up so early anyway?

I've gotta get into the office.

I promised a friend of mine I'd do him a favor.

It's already biting me in the ass.

Gee, you're making such a fuss.

What did you promise him you'd do, give him a kidney?

No, I'm gonna need my kidney for my coffee.

I told him I'd write an article in his medical journal.

It's due in two days.

I don't even know what I'm gonna write yet.

You know, when am I gonna learn my lesson?

You know, I-I just can't say no to people.

Oh, yeah, clearly that's your problem.

You're too accommodating.

Okay.

Mmm. Mmm.

Had a great time last night.

I had two great times.

See you for lunch? Yeah, I'm hungry already.

Hey.

Mmm. Mmm.

I'll miss you. I'll miss you more.

Bye. Bye.

Bye. Bye.

I have gotta get rid of that woman.

Morning. Yeah, morning.

What's going on, Jake? I thought you liked Amy.

Oh, I do. We have a great time.

But this morning, she went and she ruined it.

How?

Left her toothbrush in my bathroom.

The bitch.

Come on, first she leaves her toothbrush,

then it's some makeup, then it's a change of clothes.

Which means? Come on, Reg, it's obvious.

She wants to move in.

I mean, women are like armies.

Before they invade, they stockpile supplies

at the border.

Hey, she's already talking about rearranging my furniture,

which doesn't work for me on a number of levels.

I don't know, Jake.

Maybe she's looking for the relationship to progress.

See? That's what I'm talking about.

What is it with women?

Why do they have to take a beautiful thing like dating

and then just suck all the fun out of it?

They're practicing for marriage.

Stop it!

Why do women always have to scream when they're surprised?

Can't you just clutch your heart and drop dead like a man?

Oh, brother.

What-- What are you doing here? Sleeping.

Oh, coffee, thank God. What? Oh, no, no.

What's going on?

What are you two doing here?

What are you two doing here? What are you doing?

I came in to open the office. What are you doing?

I came to write that stupid article.

You haven't done that yet? No, I haven't done that yet.

Well, what is she doing here?

Do I look like the concierge?

I walked in here, she's sleeping.

You were sleeping here?

I was till he came in.

Well, why were you sleeping here?

Well, the table in Exam Room One was too hard.

The table in Room Two was too soft.

But Dr. Becker's chair was just--

Linda. Linda.

I live here now.

Why is she living here?

Ask her. Why are you living here?

Okay, here's the thing.

I found this great new apartment.

So I left my old one and I rented the new one.

So why aren't you living there?

Okay, here's the thing.

The end of my old lease and the beginning of the my new lease

didn't exactly dovetail the way I'd hoped.

So I just need to stay here for three more days.

Can I, please? Can I?

Oh, fine. But just get out of here right now.

I need to write this article. Oh, thank you, Dr. Becker.

I really appreciate it.

And to prove it, I'm gonna show you a whole new Linda.

Thank you. No, do--

I'm gonna be the best assistant that you ever had.

Shouldn't be too tough.

The last one robbed you at gunpoint.

Hey, Becker, you got a minute? No, I-I really don't.

I need to write this article.

You haven't done that yet? No, I haven't done that yet.

And I don't even know what I'm writing.

So would you please just leave me alone?

Sorry I bothered you.

Wait, wait. I don't wanna be insensitive.

You're not dying, are you?

No.

Great, then take a hike.

Jake, I really like you.

The time we spend together is great.

Hell yeah.

And we just get along so great.

Hell yeah.

And I think it could be even better

if we move in together.

But there's a problem. Oh, yeah?

I mean, what problem?

It's your cat.

You know how allergic I am, and the pills just don't help.

So if you wanna take this step,

well, I'm sorry,

but you'll have to find another home for the cat.

Oh, boy. I don't know, um...

I've had that cat for so long.

I mean, when he curls up in my lap and purrs,

I get this safe warm feeling.

I mean, it feels good when you do that too,

but...

Well, but getting rid of him would be like

losing a part of me.

I've lost enough already.

I feel terrible.

I had no idea your cat meant that much to you.

I'm sorry, I don't know how we can get past this.

I need to think.

I'll call you, okay?

All right.

Jake, that was low.

You just got that cat and it doesn't even have a name.

Well, why? Look, I like Amy.

I'm just not ready for that kind of commitment.

And it was a clean out.

And the best part, I'm not even the bad guy.

I'm just a poor blind guy who loves his cat.

Suddenly, I'm hungry.

Perhaps I'll have some cake and eat it too.

All men are not evil. It's only a few.

All men are not evil.

It's only a few.

You want a refill? No.

Damn it, Reg, I was this close to an idea.

Well, as long as you're on a break,

I need to ask you a favor.

Oh, good, another favor.

This isn't like that article.

This is something you can do.

This woman I know,

she and her husband have been trying to have a baby.

They haven't had any luck,

and, well, they can't figure out what they've been doing wrong.

Take them into your men's room.

There's a doodle on the wall

that illustrates the whole process.

Becker.

All right, fine. Tell them to come see me.

But please just let me have five minutes.

Okay.

John.

What?

I just used my cat to get rid of a girlfriend.

Was that wrong?

You got a cat that gets rid of people?

Can I borrow it?

Hello.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Who the hell are you?

I am super.

You're a super what?

Oh, excuse me.

My English is not so freaking good.

I am Alexei, new super for building.

I come to fix light in bathroom.

Wait, hold on a second, pal. What happened to the other guy?

What's his name? Ernesto?

Went back to Dominican Republic

to pick bananas or run for president.

Who cares?

Now, you want me to fix light,

or should I just go screw off myself?

Look, I'm trying to write an article here, you know.

I need some peace and quiet.

Can't you come back some other time?

Hey, you think you're the only one

who is needing Alexei in the building?

I got freaking Mrs. Muchnick bitching me up

about her noisy toilet,

and this big nose, uh,

Wilson from 2-C, bugging me about his stinking oven.

You can all go kiss me on my ass.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey,

Gorby, relax.

You can fix the light.

May I?

Thank you so very freaking much.

Like I am needing this.

Back home in Russia, I was leading economist.

Yeah, right.

That explains why they're doing so well over there.

Son of a bastard!

It's son of a bitch.

Excuse me so very freaking much.

What are you doing here?

What are you doing here?

I live here, remember?

Oh, yeah, right.

But can't you go right now? I gotta write this article.

Haven't done that yet?

No, I haven't done that yet. Now go.

Oh, thank you. What? Oh, no, don't.

Sorry. Forgot my hair dryer.

Sorry. Forgot my brush.

It's right over here.

Excuse me.

You come through that door again,

you're in big trouble!

Sorry. Forgot my towel.

Dr. Becker's office.

Oh, hi.

Really?

You haven't gotten that article yet?

Well, I know he finished it.

I'm sure you will have it, um...

Later today.

Mm-hm. Bye.

Does this-- Does this look like later today?

This is not later today.

This is later today.

This is next week sometime.

Well, somebody had to put some fire under your butt.

All right, fine. You know something?

I don't have a patient for an hour.

I'll just go lock myself in the office

and write this stupid article.

I tell you something, though, I'm never gonna do a favor

for anyone else ever again.

Oh, there's a couple waiting in your office

that Reggie sent over.

You said that you would see them as a favor.

All right, all right, all right, I'll...

You know, I just can't catch a break around here.

Need some help carrying that cross,

or can you make it alone?

Mr. and Mrs. Carbone, I'm John Becker.

Maria. How do you do?

This is my husband, Benny.

Yeah, how are you?

So I understand you're having some trouble conceiving.

I'm not doing it in no cup. Shut up.

Yeah, let's not jump to the party quite yet, shall we?

Um...

Look, this could be a medical problem,

or it could be as simple as your husband's choice in underwear.

I don't wear no underwear.

Okay. Glad to know that.

Doc, I want a baby so badly, I'll try anything.

No, she won't. I suggest things all the time,

but she won't go for it. Shut up.

You know, doc, I got a theory about this.

In high school,

it was never the nice girls that got knocked up.

It was always the sluts. Shut up.

So if she would just spice things up a little bit,

uh, you know, outfits, bigger breasts,

that sort of thing,

maybe my guys would have something to shoot for.

Look, Benny, we could sit here and talk science all day, but...

You know, it could be any number of things.

It could be environmental factors.

Hear that? Environmental.

I told you we should do it outside.

Shut up!

Look, here's what I wanna do.

I wanna take some baseline tests,

check out your general health,

then we'll take it from there, okay?

Thank you. You're very kind.

I'm gonna thank Reggie for sending us to you.

Oh, believe me, so am I.

Hey, doc, talk her into some bigger breasts.

There's more where that came from.

Well, at least the power's back on.

Yeah?

Oh, hi.

No, you're kidding me.

Y-You haven't gotten that article yet?

Well, damn it, you know,

Margaret was supposed to fax that to you this afternoon.

I-- I promise.

First thing in the morning.

I am lying my ass off.

I-- I'm sleeping.

Dr. Becker, it's Linda.

And I know you're not sleeping 'cause you're talking.

All right, all right.

What?

Okay, here's the thing.

My new apartment fell through,

so I'm gonna need to stay in the office for a few more days,

just until I find a new one.

Fine. That couldn't have waited until tomorrow?

I'm starting to get creeped out down there by myself.

I was wondering maybe if I could stay here.

Oh, no, no, no, I gotta work. I gotta work.

Got any cookies? No, no, don't.

See you in the morning.

I've gotta stop answering the door.

Hello. Oh!

What the hell are you doing here?

Drain in Alexei's shower is stuffed, so I use yours.

You need shampoo.

You--

You didn't even fix your own shower?

I'm on list.

Well-- Is that my towel?

Oh, you want it back? No, I don't want it back.

I don't want you coming in my apartment

without permission.

And I sure as hell don't want you using my shower.

Okay, okay.

You Americans with your one person to an apartment.

I go to 5-A and watch TV.

They got big screen and DVD.

Yeah, well, just go, will you?

I got an article to write.

You haven't done it yet? Just leave.

Certainly look happy today, Jake.

You're looking at a man in love.

I was at home last night and I realized

I'd be out of my mind to let Amy go.

Couldn't stop thinking about her.

I just lay there in my bed fondling her toothbrush.

That's romantic, in a non-hygienic sort of way.

She's on her way over here.

I'm gonna ask her to move in with me.

Oh, so you're gonna tell her that you lied to about the cat.

Reg, I'm trying to start a relationship with this woman.

I can't tell her the truth.

Jeez, no wonder you're alone.

Thank you, Jake. Thank you so much.

Morning, Jake. Yeah.

Reg, can I have a cup of coffee,

eggs, toast and some orange juice?

Full breakfast this morning.

You must have finished that article.

Nope. I decided not to do it.

I got thinking about the friend that asked me to write it.

I realized I was doing it because he's a friend of mine

then it occurred to me, if he's really a friend,

he wouldn't have asked me to do it in the first place.

You mean you just quit?

You spin it your way, I'll spin it mine.

Hi, Jake. Are you all right?

You sounded so serious on the phone.

Okay. Here it is.

I want you to move in with me.

Oh, Jake, that's great, baby.

I'm so happy.

But what about the cat? Ah, forget about the cat.

We'll take him out to the country and make a ceremony.

We'll open his cage and sing "Born Free."

If he doesn't come back to me,

then he wasn't mine to begin with.

Or something like that.

But how will he survive? What will he eat?

Eh, a few days in the woods, he won't be so finicky.

So, what do you say?

You know, it's funny.

I was the one who asked you to get rid of the cat.

But when you told me how much he meant to you,

I was touched.

Yeah, it's all good.

But now,

well, if that's how lightly you take commitment,

just how long would it be before you cut me loose?

Oh, I'm sorry, Jake.

No, I think things worked out for the best.

You take care.

Take him out to the country and sing "Born Free."

I just screwed myself, didn't I?

You better get used to it.

Benny, come on. I don't wanna do this.

Shut up. We're doing this.

Hi, Reggie.

Hi, Dr. Becker.

I'm sorry to bother you,

but we were really anxious about those tests.

Did you find anything?

Wouldn't you be more comfortable in my office?

See, he don't wanna talk about it either.

You don't wanna talk about it

'cause your afraid your guys aren't getting there.

Oh, my guys are getting there.

Maybe they don't like what they see

and they turn around. You're a pig.

And you married a pig. So who's stupider?

Hey, shut up, both of you.

You want my diagnosis?

Here it is, free of charge, you can't have kids.

Oh, my God.

No, I mean, you can't have kids as in you shouldn't have kids.

Y-You don't need a fertility counselor,

you need a marriage counselor.

Medically, you're probably fine,

but until you learn how to deal with each other,

you shouldn't have a kid.

Hell, you shouldn't even have a goldfish. Now go away.

Well, I can see you're just not the doctor for us.

Thanks a lot, Reggie.

Come on, Benny.

Maybe we should get a goldfish.

I didn't say they were nice.

I just said I knew them.

But you were right. They should never have kids.

Well, medicine isn't always the best medicine.

You know something?

That's not a bad title for my article.

That could be the hook that I need.

Yeah.

Being a doctor is not just about tests and symptoms,

but sometimes sensing another person's unique emotional needs.

Hey, John, my girlfriend just broke up with me.

You got a second to talk?

Buzz off. I'm trying to write here.

Morning, everybody.

Margaret, what's going on?

Oh, You got a couple of messages.

Mr. and Mrs. Carbone called

and suggested you go and have a child by yourself,

but not exactly in those words.

Your friend from the magazine called.

Same message.

Yeah, well, I can't help the Carbones,

but I did finish the article.

Look at that.

Scraps of paper?

John, this isn't an article, this is garbage.

Well, you could at least wait till you read it.

I'm gonna need your help typing all of this.

Oh, John. Don't worry about it.

It's all numbered, it's all there.

Fine.

I have to run out to the post office.

I'll type it when I get back.

Linda, watch the desk.

Okay.

Morning, doctor.

Huh?

Oh, yeah, morning.

Good news. I found an apartment.

Actually, it's my old one. I'm gonna move back in.

Oh, well, Godspeed.

Okay, here's the thing.

They raised the rent,

so I'm gonna have to come up with a security deposit.

It's $800. Oh, now, Linda, I can't do--

I don't have that kind of money.

Well, okay, I guess I'm just gonna have to keep living here.

My checkbook's in the office.

Oh, Dr. Becker, thank you! You really saved my life.

And I'm gonna return the favor.

I'm going to work extra hard around here.

Look at this place.

The first thing I'm going to do is clean up this mess.