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WHOA! NOW, THAT'S
A FINE ANIMAL!

OH, YEAH.
GREAT STUD, I BET.

NOW, THE REAL ADVANTAGE
OF BEING HERE TODAY

AT ATLANTIC CITY RACECOURSE
TO BRING YOU THE WEATHER

IS THAT WE'VE GOT
THE REAL THING.

NO BOARDS, NO MATS,
NO PRETTY COMPUTER GRAPHICS.

UH-UH. THE REAL THING.

WE GOT THE REAL SUN,
AS I PREDICTED.

WE'VE GOT
THE REAL BLUE SKIES,

AS I PREDICTED.

HECK,
WE EVEN GOT REAL HORSES,

AS I PREDICTED.

[LAUGHTER]

AND SPEAKING
OF PREDICTIONS,

HEY, WE EVEN GOT
A REAL WINNER.

OOH!

THIS IS TAYLOR WORTH,

CHANNEL 5 NEWS,
PHILADELPHIA,

AND I'LL SEE YOU AT 11:00.

AND WE'RE CLEAR.

[CROWD TALKING]

LADIES' DAY AT THE RACES.

I'M A HAPPY GUY.

* WELL, I'VE SEEN
SO MANY THINGS *

* I'VE BEEN
ALL OVER THE WORLD *

* WELL, I'VE HAD
UPS AND DOWNS *

* I DID IT ALL
FOR A WHILE *

* I THOUGHT I KNEW EVERYTHING
BETWEEN THE BAD AND THE GOOD *

* I GUESS I WAS WRONG
BECAUSE I MISUNDERSTOOD *

* ABOUT GIRLS

* GIRLS

* WELL, I'VE BEEN SO MANY PLACES
THAT I SHOULDN'T BE *

* BUT THEN IT FELT SO GOOD
THAT IT WAS TORTURE TO LEAVE *

* THEY SAY YOU CAN'T
LIVE WITHOUT 'EM *

* BUT CAN YOU LIVE WITH?

* I'M JUST ONE MAN
WHO'S HAVIN' A FIT *

* WITH THOSE GIRLS *

* THEY WANT YOU TO TELL 'EM
THAT YOU LOVE THEM *

* THEY'RE SOFT AND THEY'RE WARM
WHEN YOU HUG THEM *

* THEY'LL TEASE YOU AND HURT YOU
WHEN YOU NEED THEM *

* THEY SIGH WHEN YOU SAY
THAT YOU'RE LEAVIN' *

* GIRLS

* TELL HER THAT I LOVE HER,
TELL HER THAT I LOVE HER *

* TELL HER
WHAT YOU WANT TO *

* DA DA DA DA
DA DA DA DA DA DA *

* SHA NA NA NA
DO DO DO DA DA DA *

* OH, GIRLS

* THEY WANT YOU TO TELL 'EM
THAT YOU LOVE THEM *

* THEY'RE SOFT AND THEY'RE WARM
WHEN YOU HUG THEM *

* THEY'LL TEASE YOU AND HURT YOU
WHEN YOU NEED THEM *

* THEY CRY WHEN YOU SAY
THAT YOU'RE LEAVIN' *

* GIRLS *

* GIRLS *

* GIRLS *

10, 20, 5, 50.

[CROWD TALKING]

NUMBER 7,
MOVING MARCELLE, TO SHOW.

COME ON, NED,
AT LEAST BET HIM TO WIN.

THANK YOU.

HI. $40, NUMBER 3,

MY CHARLIE'S ANGEL,
TO WIN, PLEASE.

THANK YOU.

MY GAMBLING FUND'S
A LITTLE LOW.

GAMBLING FUND?
GAMBLING FUND?

YES.

NED, WHAT
HAPPENED TO YOU?

WHAT HAPPENED
TO THE KID

WHO BET HIS FATHER'S
GOLF CLUBS

ON CINDY BROWNELL'S
BRA SIZE?

HEY, REMEMBER WHEN I BET
MY SCHOLARSHIP MONEY

YOU'D FLUNK OUT
BEFORE MIDTERMS?

YEAH. WHAT HAPPENED?

DADDY. DADDY. DADDY.

I SETTLED DOWN.

COME ON, PUMPKIN.

NED'S ACTUALLY
A TERRIFIC GUY,

EXCEPT HE'S LOST HIS EDGE.

WHEN WE WERE 11,

HE DECIDED
WE SHOULD GET MOHAWKS.

I SHAVED MY HEAD.
HE LAUGHED FOR A MONTH.

YOU SEE THIS 50?
AND YOU SEE THAT 50?

YEAH.

THEY'RE NOT THE SAME.

THEY'RE NOT?

NO. THIS IS 3 DAYS
OF NURSERY SCHOOL TO ME.

AND WHAT'S THAT?
CHAMPAGNE FOR 2?

SILK PANTIES FOR MONA.

MONA?
DO I KNOW MONA?

NO. I HAVEN'T
MENTIONED HER.

YOU'RE BUYING
SILK PANTIES FOR A GIRL

YOU HAVEN'T EVEN
MENTIONED TO ME?

NED, IT'S NOT IMPORTANT.
DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.

THERE IS NO MONA.

TAYLOR?

LIZBETTE.

DON'T SWEET-TALK ME.

HOW ARE YOU?

HOW SHOULD I BE?

YOU ASKED WENDY OUT,
MY OWN ROOMMATE.

I KNOW. YOU WORK
TUESDAY NIGHTS.

DON'T TOUCH ME.

SHE SAID NO.

WELL, OF COURSE
SHE DID.

SEE?
NO HARM DONE.

HE IS MY HERO.

A HERO SHOULD
ACCOMPLISH SOMETHING.

I MEAN, WHAT HAS
TAYLOR ACCOMPLISHED?

WE ARE HAPPILY
MARRIED MEN.

WITH CURFEWS.

YEAH. I'D RATHER
BE LIKE TAYLOR.

YLOR DOESN'T KNOW IT YET,
BUT HE'D RATHER BE LIKE US.

YOU SHOULD SEE HIM
WITH MY FAMILY.

HE REALLY SOAKS IT UP.

NOW, THAT'S WHAT
HE REALLY WANTS.

HE JUST DOESN'T
KNOW IT YET.

HEY, I'M A SHRINK.
I KNOW THESE THINGS, RIGHT?

I'M WORRIED ABOUT HIM.

DID YOU GET
A LOAD OF HER LEGS?

YES.

DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND?
HE IS DUMPING HER!

TAYLOR IS STUCK IN
A VERY DESTRUCTIVE PATTERN.

THEY HIT THE 2-MONTH MARK,
AND HE IS RUNNING.

IT'S CLASSIC.

REJECT THEM
BEFORE THEY REJECT YOU.

NO. NO WOMAN IS EVER
GOING TO REJECT TAYLOR.

THAT'S TOO BAD, BECAUSE
THAT'S WHAT HE REALLY NEEDS.

WELL, THAT'S WHAT
EVERY MAN REALLY NEEDS.

WITHOUT SUFFERING,
YOU DON'T GROW.

FORGET IT.
IT'LL NEVER HAPPEN.

IF ONLY THERE WAS SOMETHING
I COULD DO FOR HIM.

IF ONLY I COULD PICK
TAYLOR'S NEXT WOMAN,

YOU KNOW, SOMEONE
WHO WILL DUMP HIM FIRST.

SOMEONE WHO'LL GIVE HIM
THE GIFT OF HEARTACHE.

SOMEONE WITH PMS.

NO. SOMEONE
WHO'S LOOKING FOR

MORE IN A MAN
THAN GOOD LOOKS.

AND A GREAT
SENSE OF HUMOR.

AND A 6-FIGURE INCOME.

AND GLAMOROUS JOB.

YEAH, BUT MORE THAN THAT.

SOMEONE WHO'LL TORTURE HIM,
TURN HIM INSIDE OUT,

HURT HIM,
YOU KNOW, LIKE LOVE.

FORGET IT.
SHE'S NOT OUT THERE.

I BET I COULD FIND HER.

I BET YOU COULDN'T.

I BET HE COULD.

I GOT 10 BUCKS
SAYS NO WAY.

YOU'RE ON.
YOU IN, NED?

YOU ARE BOTH
MISSING MY POINT.

TAYLOR WOULD
HAVE TO COOPERATE.

OH, NO. HE'LL WANT
IN ON THIS.

IT'S GOT TO BE BIGGER.

BIGGER? 2 WOMEN.

10 WOMEN.

11 WOMEN.

THAT'S NOT GOING TO
CUT IT ANYMORE.

YOU'RE GOING TO
HAVE TO--

I KNOW.
STOP SEEING YOU.

TAYLOR.

LIZBETTE, I'M NOT
GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU.

YOU'VE MADE SOME
VERY VALID POINTS.

I OUGHT TO BE ABLE TO
MAKE A COMMITMENT BY NOW.

TAYLOR, LET'S SAY
I NEVER CAME HERE TODAY.

NO. NO.

LET'S JUST
FORGET EVERYTHING.

NO. LISTEN TO ME.
YOUR INSTINCTS ARE SOUND.

IT'S TIME TO MOVE ON.

LIZBETTE,
I JUST DON'T THINK

IT CAN BE TOGETHER.

WELL, WHAT AM I
SUPPOSED TO DO?

YOU?

SOAR.

[CALL TO THE POST PLAYS]

Race announcer:
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,

THE HORSES ARE
PARADING TO THE POST

FOR THE NEXT RACE
OF THE AFTERNOON.

WHAT?

WE'VE GOT
A PROPOSITION FOR YOU.

YOU HAVE 3 MONTHS

TO GET ENGAGED
TO 3 WOMAN,

AND I PICK THE WOMEN.

YOU'RE INSANE.

CHLOE,
THAT'S PRETTY.

NOW, THIS IS THE DUMBEST ONE
THEY'VE EVER COME UP WITH.

THEY'RE ALWAYS TRYING TO ROPE ME
IN ON SOME STUPID BET.

THEN WHEN
I TAKE THEM UP ON IT,

THEY DROP LIKE FLIES.

WATCH.

WHAT ARE
THE STAKES?

YOUR FISHING CABIN
AGAINST MY MERCEDES.

NO. NO, SEE,
I ALREADY HAVE A CAR.

I WANT SOMETHING ELSE.

NAME IT.

I LOVE
TORTURING HIM.

THE PICASSO.

THE PICASSO!

IT'S AN ORIGINAL.
I CAN'T BET THAT.

FINE. NO BET.

IT'S CLAIRE'S.

HER GRANDFATHER
LEFT IT TO HER.

SO?

YOU'RE ON.

YOU'RE KIDDING!

THIS IS FOR
YOUR OWN GOOD.

Announcer: IT'S MOVING MARCELLE
IN A CHARGING START,

WITH BOO-BOO,
RACHEL'S RIDE, AND....

BOYS, SORRY
I MISSED THE GAME.

THAT'S OK.

DID YOU CRIPPLE
ANOTHER QUARTERBACK?

YEAH. 2.

BACHELORETTE NUMBER 1.

ICE GODDESS!

I GOT 20

SAYS HE CAN'T
EVEN GET A DATE.

40 SAYS HE CAN.

GUYS, A BEAUTIFUL
WOMAN IS ONE

OF THE LONELIEST CREATURES
ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH.

ALL I NEED IS AN OPENING,
A TICKET OF ADMISSION.

BET. BET.

Ned: NO. NO, CHLOE.
HORSEY. HORSEY.

CHLOE, DO YOU SEE

THAT PRETTY BLONDE
LADY RIGHT THERE?

I JUST BET
SHE WOULD LOVE

TO SEE THIS PICTURE
YOU DREW.

THAT'S PRETTY, HONEY.
IS IT FOR ME?

YES.

AW! COME HERE.

GEE, I'M
TERRIBLY SORRY.

OH, THAT'S OK.
SHE'S A DOLL.

HOW OLD IS SHE?

3.

LET ME GET HER
OFF YOUR HANDS HERE.

COME ON, CHLOE.

LET'S NOT BOTHER
THESE NICE PEOPLE.

OH, SHE IS NO BOTHER.
I LOVE KIDS.

WELL, SHE'S FOR RENT.

SHE'S GOT YOUR EYES.

DON'T LET HER FATHER
HEAR YOU SAY THAT.

SHE'S NOT YOURS?

NO. I WISH SHE WERE.

IS THERE ANY REASON WHY WE CAN'T
HAVE DINNER SATURDAY NIGHT?

I DON'T EVEN
KNOW YOUR NAME.

ERIN. ERIN COOPER.

TAYLOR.
TAYLOR WORTH.

DINNER WILL BE FINE.

GREAT.
ANDRE'S, 7:00?

OK.

[PEOPLE APPLAUDING]

SEE YOU, GUYS.

YOU FEEL FREE TO MAKE
THE OTHER TWO A CHALLENGE.

WELL, SO MUCH
FOR THE BET.

[VIDEO GAME BEEPING]

Child: HOW COME YOU
CAN'T GET THIS POINT?

MAYBE IT'S BECAUSE YOU
DON'T KNOW HOW TO PLAY.

WELL, I DON'T KNOW
WHY YOU DON'T LIKE HIM.

CLAIRE,
HE WAS FLUFF.

HIS IDOL WAS
GERALDO RIVERA.

WELL, VERONICA,
WHAT DID YOU SEE IN HIM

IN THE FIRST PLACE?

HE WAS THE FIRST GUY
I DATED IN AGES

WHO DIDN'T OWN A VCR,
SHOP BROOKS BROTHERS,

OR DRIVE A BMW.

YOU JUST DESCRIBED NED.

WHAT'S DIFFERENT? YOU
AND NED BECAME YUPPIES?

PLEASE DON'T TELL NED THAT.

WHEN I FIRST MET NED,
HE HAD HAIR DOWN TO HERE

AND HE WAS GROWING
MARIJUANA IN THE CLOSET.

NED?
YEAH, MY NED.

WHATEVER HAPPENED
TO RANDY?

HA HA! GONE!

HE GOT WAY TOO
SERIOUS TOO FAST.

I TELL YOU,

THE HARDER THEY PUSH,
THE BIGGER THE FLAWS.

YOU AND NED WERE LUCKY
TO GET MARRIED SO EARLY.

I KNOW I WAS LUCKY.

ALTHOUGH SOMETIMES
I WISH I COULD JUST...

WHAT?

[LAUGHING]

SOMETIMES I WISH
I COULD JUST...

[VIDEO GAME BEEPING]

[WOMEN LAUGHING]

THERE I SAID IT!

WELL, WHO DOESN'T?

WHO ARE THESE MEN?

WHO ARE THESE MEN?

[KNIFE CHOPPING]
WHO ARE THESE MEN?

VERONICA?

[GARBAGE DISPOSAL WHIRRING]

YOU'RE OUT OF YOUR MIND.

NUMBER 2 IS A FRIEND
OF CLAIRE'S.

SHE'S A MUSICIAN.

YOU CAN'T BE SERIOUS.

THIS IS EXACTLY

THE TYPE OF PLACE
SHE CAN'T STAND.

THESE ARE EXACTLY

THE KIND OF PEOPLE
SHE HATES.

HI.

AND YOU'RE
ONE OF THEM.

NO. YOU CAN
COUNT ME OUT.

THIS BET'S
TOTALLY ABSURD.

YOU SHOULD HAVE THOUGHT
OF THAT YESTERDAY.

AFRAID YOU'LL LOSE?

NED, HAVE YOU CONSIDERED

HOW THIS IS GOING TO AFFECT
OTHER PEOPLE'S LIVES?

MY LIFE, FOR EXAMPLE.

IT WON'T
CHANGE THAT MUCH.

YOU CAN COME VISIT US
AT THE CABIN ANYTIME.

$50 NASSAU.
10 FOR BIRDIES.

THE SANDIES
ARE GREENIES.

I FEEL LUCKY TODAY.

SO?

SIGN.

FORGET IT.

OH, SO YOU'RE
CHICKENING OUT?

DON'T PUSH ME.

YOU'RE RENEGING
ON OUR AGREEMENT.

AM I TO UNDERSTAND

THAT YOUR HANDSHAKE
MEANS NOTHING?

IT'S TIME TO TEACH
THIS GUY A LESSON.

DON'T YOU WANT TO
KNOW WHO ELEANOR IS?

COME ON, AREN'T YOU
JUST A LITTLE BIT CURIOUS

ABOUT NUMBER 3?

I AM TRYING
TO PLAY GOLF HERE.

SHE'S RIGHT OVER THERE.

ELEANOR LARIMORE.

YOU'RE GOING
TO LOVE HER.

SHE'S CLASSY.
SHE'S BEAUTIFUL.

SHE'S AN ALIEN,
RIGHT?

NO. SHE'S A HUMAN.

ALL 3 WOMEN ARE HUMANS.

I HAVE A HEART.

SHE'S MARRIED.

[CHUCKLING]

YOU'RE NOT PLAYING
FAIR TODAY, NED.

IT'S A BAD MARRIAGE.

IT'S A BAD MARRIAGE.
TRUST ME.

NO. NO, I DON'T.
I NEVER HAVE.

THAT DOESN'T MATTER.
I ALWAYS WIN ANYWAY.

YOU DID READ
THE FINE PRINT, DIDN'T YOU?

BECAUSE
I HAVE TO ADMIT,

YOU'RE BEING
A GREAT SPORT ABOUT THIS.

HOW WILL I KNOW THAT
THEY ACCEPT YOUR PROPOSALS?

VIDEOTAPES.

Weatherman: WE HAVE ALL
THIS RAIN UP IN HERE.

THEN WE HAVE
THIS LOW-PRESSURE--

[TAPE REWINDS]

WE HAVE ALL
THIS RAIN UP IN HERE.

THEN WE HAVE
THIS LOW-PRESSURE FRONT

SWEEPING DOWN--

WE HAVE ALL
THIS RAIN UP IN HERE.

THEN WE HAVE
THIS LOW-PRESSURE FRONT

SWEEPING DOWN--

SWEEPING DOWN
FROM THE NORTH.

SWEEPING DOWN FROM--

I'M A PERFECTIONIST.

HEY, I DON'T TRY
TO BE THIS WAY,

AND IT'S REALLY ROUGH
ON THE WOMEN I KNOW.

IT'S LIKE THERE'S
THIS CRITIC ON MY SHOULDER.

TROUBLE-SHOOTER, REALLY.

EXAMPLE--

SAY SHE'S A CAT LOVER.

ALL I HEAR
IS HIM SCREAMING,

"SAY GOODBYE
TO NAVY BLUE."

HEY, DON'T GET ME WRONG.

I DON'T WANT TO
GROW OLD ALONE.

I LOVE KIDS.

I CERTAINLY LOVE WOMEN,
BUT I'M NO CASANOVA.

I'M JUST TRYING
TO FIND A WOMAN

TO GET PAST
THE CRITIC IN ME.

MY HOUSEKEEPER--
GREAT COOK.

WHO KNOWS?

MAYBE ONE OF NED'S CHOICES
MIGHT BE THE PERFECT WOMAN.

WOULDN'T IT BE GREAT
IF IT WAS THE BLONDE?

GOOD EVENING, SIR.

THANKS.

OK. HERE WE ARE.

SATURDAY EVENING, 7:00.

I'VE GIVEN ERIN
A LOT OF THOUGHT...

BUT MOSTLY ABOUT STRATEGY.

I CAN'T TOUCH HER

BECAUSE IF I TOUCH HER,
I'LL JUMP HER,

AND IF I JUMP HER,
I'LL LOSE HER.

EVERY MAN WANTS TO JUMP HER,
SO I'VE GOT TO BE DIFFERENT.

ERIN.

TAYLOR.

THIS BET'S
GOING TO KILL ME.

LET'S GET YOU
BACK IN YOUR COAT.

WE'RE GOING ON A PICNIC.

THEY FLOODED THE ZONE.

KOSAR THREW UNDERNEATH
THE COVERAGE TO NEWSOME.

SCIARRA TOTALLY
WIMPED OUT!

SCIARRA'S MY MAIN MAN!

SCIARRA TACKLES

LIKE HE'S PUTTING
HIS GRANDMA TO BED.

OH, NO!

LOOK, YOU MAY BE
THE EAGLES' RECEPTIONIST--

YAY, TEAM!

BUT THAT DOES NOT MEAN

YOU KNOW A GOOD TACKLE
WHEN YOU SEE ONE.

I NOT ONLY KNOW ONE,
I CAN DO ONE.

RIGHT!

RIGHT.

OK.

COME AT ME.
COME AT ME.

NO. I BELIEVE YOU.

NO, YOU DON'T.
LET ME HAVE IT.

COME ON.

COME ON,
COME AT ME.

ERIN, REALLY,
I DON'T WANT TO HURT YOU.

AAH!

AAH! UGH!

[LAUGHING]

I THINK I'M IN LOVE.

SEE?

YOU CALL THE PLAYS.

[CARTOONY VOICE]
GOOD-BYE, BRYAN.

SEE YOU NEXT WEEK.

[POP]

Ned: SEE YOU
TOMORROW, LEWIS.

HOW ARE YOU TODAY,
YOUNG FELLA?

POW!

HOW'S THE BAD SEED?

WE'RE MAKING PROGRESS.

I STILL THINK YOU
OUGHTA SEND HIM THROUGH

A METAL DETECTOR
BEFORE YOU SEE HIM.

MMM. HONEY, CAN I
ASK YOU A QUESTION?

OF COURSE.

WHY ARE YOU FIXING
VERONICA UP WITH TAYLOR?

WHO ARE YOU MAD AT?

I'M NOT MAD AT ANYONE.

HONEY, VERONICA
IS A TALENTED,

HIGHLY RESPECTED
CONCERT PIANIST.

SHE'S GOING TO HATE HIM.
HE'S GOING TO HATE HER.

SHE'S NOT NEARLY
VAPID ENOUGH.

NO, CLAIRE.

AS HIS BEST FRIEND

AND AS AN EXPERT
ON THE HUMAN MIND,

I THINK IT'S IN
HIS BEST INTERESTS

TO HAVE AN ATYPICAL
CONGREGATION

WITH A MEMBER
OF THE OPPOSITE SEX.

YOU ARE PISSED AT HIM.

YEAH.

Anchorwoman:
THE PHILADELPHIA SWAT TEAM

WAS STILL SURROUNDING
A DOWNTOWN JEWELRY STORE.

4 GUNMEN
HAD TAKEN HOSTAGES.

AS FAR AS WE KNOW,
NO ONE HAS BEEN HARMED,

AND NEGOTIATIONS
ARE IN PROGRESS.

THE POLICE SAID...

WHERE'S TAYLOR WORTH?

OVER THERE. HAS BEEN
FOR THE PAST 2 YEARS.

NOVELIST ANN TRAVERS
DIED TODAY

IN A FREAK SKIING ACCIDENT
IN CHILE.

SHE HAD BROKEN HER LEG
ON THE SLOPES

AND WAS BEING TRANSPORTED
TO SAFETY

WHEN THE RESCUERS
LOST CONTROL OF HER STRETCHER.

MISS TRAVERS PLUMMETED
1,500 FEET TO HER DEATH.

SHE'S BEST REMEMBERED
FOR HER 1979 NOVEL

AREN'T I THE LUCKY ONE?

AND NOW, TAYLOR WORTH
WITH THE WEEKEND WEATHER.

ANN TRAVERS...A WOMAN
WHOSE LUCK RAN OUT.

LET'S SEE...HOW'D I DO
YESTERDAY?

DID RAIN LAST NIGHT. HA.
GOT THAT RIGHT.

IT'S STILL UNSEASONABLY COLD
HERE ON THE EAST COAST,

BUT I'VE BEEN
SAYING THAT FOR DAYS.

UH-OH! HURRICANE BRENDA.

YEAH, RIGHT DOWN THERE
IN FLORIDA.

CAME ASHORE--WOOSH!
YOU WANT TO TALK RAIN!

THEY HAD TO CANCEL
THE EAGLES-DOLPHINS GAME.

AND I SAID
IT WAS GOING TO

STAY OUT THERE
IN THE OCEAN SOMEWHERE,

SO THE JOKE'S ON ME.

HERE IN
YOUR TRI-STATE AREA,

WE HAVE CLEAR AIR QUALITY
TOMORROW IN THE DELAWARE VALLEY.

WELL, CORY, WHAT HAVE YOU
GOT ON FOR THE WEEKEND?

I'M GOING TO
THE COUNTRY, TAYLOR.

THERE YOU HAVE IT.

CORY CHU,
OUTSTANDING IN HER FIELD.

[NEWS THEME PLAYS]

THAT'S THE NEWS.

FOR BOB MAYON
AND TAYLOR WORTH,

I'M CORY CHU.

GOOD NIGHT.

AND WE'RE CLEAR.

EVERYBODY HAVE
A NICE WEEKEND.

YOU HAVE A GOOD
WEEKEND, JERRY.

GOOD NIGHT, COOKIE.

GREAT SHOW, TAYLOR!

THANKS, PAUL.

HAVE A GOOD
WEEKEND, IRV.

ARE YOU AT LEAST
A METEOROLOGIST?

THIS MUST BE...
VERONICA?

YOU JUST SAY
THE WEATHER?

IT'S HARDER
THAN YOU THINK.

IT WOULD HAVE TO BE.

LOOK, TAYLOR.

I'M GOING TO SAVE US
BOTH SOME TIME,

AND FOR YOU,
A FEW BUCKS.

I'D LIKE TO GIVE YOU
A LITTLE TEST OF MINE

TO SEE IF WE'RE
PSYCHOLOGICALLY COMPATIBLE.

SHOOT.

IMAGINE THIS.
YOU WALK INTO A ROOM.

YOU SEE A HOLE
IN THE FLOOR.

YOU WALK UP TO IT
AND LOOK IN.

WHAT DO YOU SEE?

A METEOROLOGIST.

RELIABLE
BIRTH-CONTROL DEVICES?

PERFECT.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

GOOD LUCK AND GOODBYE.

IMAGINE THIS.

YOU WALK INTO A STUDIO.
YOU MEET A GUY.

YOU TALK TO HIM
FOR A COUPLE SECONDS.

WHAT DO YOU SEE?

A MAN WHO READS
THE WEATHER

WEARING A LOT
OF MAKEUP.

YEAH. DOESN'T THAT PIQUE
YOUR CURIOSITY AT ALL?

I MEAN, AREN'T YOU
SAYING TO YOURSELF,

"I WONDER IF
HE WEARS MORE MAKEUP

IN THE EVENINGS"?

LET ME TAKE YOU
TO DINNER,

YOU CAN FIND OUT
FOR YOURSELF.

I'LL CALL YOU.
I'VE GOT YOUR NUMBER.

742 MINUS 619...

123.

487 MINUS 356...

131.

663 MINUS 421.

142.

MAYBE ON MARS.

[CLOCK CHIMES]

HA HA HA HA!

HA HA HA HA HA!

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]
HA HA HA HA HA!

A WOMAN WITH ALL THIS

SHOULD LOOK
HAPPIER THAN THAT.

HA HA HA HA!

[TIRES SCREECH]

IT REALLY
DOESN'T MATTER.

IT REALLY DOESN'T MATTER
WHAT SHOE YOU CHOOSE.

ANY SHOE WOULD LOOK GOOD
AT THE END OF YOUR LEG.

MAYBE I CAN HELP YOU
MAKE A DECISION.

WALK OVER THERE.

LET ME TAKE A LOOK.

I REALLY
CAN'T TELL ANYTHING

UNLESS YOU STAND UP.

NICE.

HOW ABOUT
SOMETHING LIKE...

THIS?

NO.

PLEASE.

ALLOW ME.

No...

HOW DOES THAT FEEL?

FINE.

PLEASE.
COME WITH ME.

[THUD]

HOW ABOUT...

THIS?

TRY IT ON...FOR ME.

HMM.

Eleanor:
I CAN'T COME OUT.

IT MAY TAKE A WHILE,

BUT ELEANOR'S
GOING TO BLOSSOM.

WHOA!

WHOA!

[PHONE RINGS]

Recording: THIS IS TAYLOR WORTH.
TALK TO ME.

[BEEP]

Woman: HI, TAYLOR. IT'S LEANNE.

HOPE YOU'RE HAVING A GOOD TIME
WITH YOUR FOSTER CHILD.

GIVE ME A CALL WHEN
KIM SU GOES BACK TO KOREA.

YOU BIG SOFTY.

KIM SU.

SHE SOUNDED HOT!

OH, SHE IS.

WHAT AM I SUPPOSED
TO DO ABOUT IT?

BETWEEN BEING
THE PERFECT GENTLEMAN

EVERY NIGHT WITH ERIN

D THE PERFECT STUD
EVERY DAY WITH ELEANOR,

WHO HAS THE TIME?

IN OR OUT?

LOOK, I'LL BE WORRIED
WHEN I SEE 3 TAPES

WITH 3 PROPOSALS
AND 3 YESES.

BY THEN,
IT'LL BE TOO LATE.

YOU'LL HAVE LOST
CLAIRE'S PICASSO.

YOUR MARRIAGE
WILL BE DESTROYED.

NED, LOOK.
I'M YOUR BEST FRIEND.

YOU JUST SAY THE WORD,

WE CAN CALL OFF
THIS WHOLE STUPID BET.

[CHIP CLATTERS]
RAISE YA 5.

3 YESES, TAYLOR, AND YOU
ONLY GOT 2 MONTHS LEFT.

VERONICA WILL CALL.
SO?

I SEE YOU 5.
I RAISE YOU 5.

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

Ned: OH, SHIT,
IT'S CLAIRE!

I...WILL...

[CHIPS CLATTER]
SEE YOU.

Recording: THIS IS
TAYLOR WORTH. TALK TO ME.

TAYLOR, THIS IS
VERONICA BRISKOW.

NED AND CLAIRE ARE COMING
TO DINNER TOMORROW NIGHT.

WHY DON'T YOU JOIN US?
MY NUMBER IS 555-3299.

BYE.
Ned: SHIT!

OH, AND, NED? GO HOME.

DOUBLE SHIT!

NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.
IT'S LEGATO. LEGATO!

DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND?

LEGATO.

HERE. LISTEN TO IT
AGAIN.

I'VE ALREADY
LISTENED TO IT
3 TIMES.

HMM?
NO.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT
LEGATO IS.

SOUNDS LIKE A BOAT RACE.

BOAT RACE. HA HA HA.
TAYLOR HATES MUSIC.

WELL, WHY DON'T YOU TELL US
WHAT LEGATO MEANS?

[PIANO MUSIC PLAYS]

NICE SWEATER,
TAYLOR.

IT'S VERY
BROOKS BROTHERS.

OH. ARE YOU STILL
HAVING TROUBLE

WITH YOUR BMW?

[PIANO SCALES
IN BACKGROUND]

I CAN NAME THAT SEGUE
IN 5 WORDS.

NAME THAT SEGUE.

SWEATER. COLD.
ALPS. GERMANY.

BMW.
BMW.

SO...WHAT DID
YOUR MANAGER SAY

ABOUT THE REHAB CENTER
BENEFIT?

HE HATES IT WHEN I PLAY
FOR FREE, BUT I'LL DO IT.

OH, GREAT. THANK YOU!

I MEAN, IF I CAN'T PLAY
FOR 15 MINUTES

TO KEEP A BUNCH
OF DRUGGED-OUT TEENAGERS

FROM STEALING MY CAR,

WHAT KIND
OF CITIZEN AM I?

YEAH. A REAL
PHILANTHROPIST.

NO. I LEAVE THAT
TO CLAIRE.

MMM.

MY TOMBSTONE'S GOING TO READ,
"WHAT'S IN IT FOR ME?"

NOTHING, IF YOU
MARRY TAYLOR.

LET'S EAT!

TAYLOR, YOU COME JOIN ME
IN THE KITCHEN.

CLAIRE, CHECK NED'S POCKETS
FOR HALLUCINOGENS.

IF YOU CAN'T SPEAK ENGLISH
WITH THE REST OF US,

I'M GOING TO HAVE TO
SEND YOU HOME.

MM-HMM. COME ON.

I WANT TO SEE
TAYLOR'S REACTION

WHEN HE SEES
THE PAINTING.

YOU MEAN, YOU DIDN'T
TELL HIM ABOUT THE PAINTING?

NO.

HA HA HA. LET'S GO.

WHY DO YOU ASK?

JUST CURIOUS.

I CAN'T STAND
THAT TERM "NEW AGE."

I WAS DOING IT LONG BEFORE
IT WAS EVER CALLED THAT.

I HAD A CLASSICAL
BACKGROUND--

OBERLIN, JUILLIARD, THE
WHOLE COMPETITION CIRCUIT,

BUT IT WAS BASICALLY
TOO RIGID FOR ME.

I MEAN, I REALLY HATE
THAT KIND OF STUFF.

REMEMBER THE CRITIC
THAT SITS ON MY SHOULDER?

WELL,
HE JUST PASSED OUT.

I MEAN, WHAT THE HELL
AM I SUPPOSED TO DO?

THIS MUST BE ANOTHER ONE
OF HER PSYCHOLOGICAL TESTS.

I TELL YOU, IF I HADN'T
SIGNED THAT DAMN CONTRACT,

I WOULDN'T PUT UP WITH
THIS CRAP FOR A MINUTE.

I THOUGHT THE HOLE
IN THE FLOOR WAS HARD.

SO THE REST IS HISTORY.

I'M HAVING A LITTLE
TROUBLE CONCENTRATING

ON WHAT YOU'RE SAYING.

SO COULD YOU JUST
SHUT UP?

[CRUNCH]

[CRUNCH]

TAYLOR!

HA HA HA HA!

HA HA HA HA!

[GIGGLING]

THANK YOU SO MUCH.

OH, I'M GLAD
YOU CAME.

HOW ABOUT A GAME
OF MONOPOLY?

NED,
I'M A LITTLE BEAT.

NED, TURN AROUND
AND WALK OUT.

COME ON, TAYLOR.

LET'S LET THE GIRL
GET TO BED.

NOW!

BYE, NED.

BYE.

OH, YOU KNOW WHAT--

[SLAM]

COME ON, TAYLOR.
LET THE GIRL GET TO BED.

[BED CREAKS]

UM!

HOW ABOUT THIS?

DOES THAT FEEL GOOD?

IT'S FINE. YOU'RE
CRUSHING MY BONE.

SORRY.
THAT'S OK.

[SLAM]
AAH!

OH!

I'VE HAD BETTER TIMES
TAKING OUT SPLINTERS.

I WISH IT WAS YESTERDAY.

HEY, IT HAPPENS.

THERE WOULDN'T BE GREAT SEX

IF WE DIDN'T HAVE
AWFUL SEX.

AWFUL...

MECHANICAL...

SLIGHTLY PAINFUL...

UNSATISFYING SEX.

I'M GOING TO
HOP IN THE SHOWER!

COULD YOU LET
YOURSELF OUT, PLEASE?

SURE.

[WATER RUNNING]

[WOMAN GIGGLES]

[BRAKES SCREECH]

I LOVE MY LINGERIE.
[GIGGLES]

UH, ELEANOR...

WHAT DO YOU SAY,
NEXT TIME WE JUST TALK?

WHY?

I DON'T KNOW.

ROMANCE?

I GET TO KNOW YOU,
YOU GET TO KNOW ME.

I THINK WE'RE GETTING TO
KNOW EACH OTHER JUST FINE.

AHEM.

OH! WOULD YOU GIVE ME

A SPECIAL SIGNAL
ON THE SHOW TONIGHT?

WHEN YOU RUB YOUR NOSE,

IT MEANS YOU WISH...

[GIGGLING]

THANK GOD
IT WAS JUST MY NOSE.

[ENGINE STARTS]

DINNER AT ERIN'S
WILL BE A WELCOME CHANGE.

YOU KNOW, I THOUGHT
I'D FIND YOU HERE.

I'M ONLY GOING TO
SAY THIS ONCE.

ERIN IS A FLOWER,

A RARE AND BEAUTIFUL
FLOWER.

AND I DON'T KNOW
WHAT SHE SEES
IN A GUY LIKE YOU.

BUT IF YOU MESS WITH HER
OR LAY A HAND ON HER,

I'LL RIP YOUR HEAD OFF.

SEEMS REASONABLE.

TERRY!
SO GLAD YOU DROPPED BY.

CAN YOU STAY FOR COFFEE?

PUT TAYLOR DOWN. HE
DOESN'T KNOW YOU'RE KIDDING.

HA HA HA HA!

OH, I GET IT NOW!

UHH!

I'LL BE
IN THE LIVING ROOM.

DID YOU LIKE HIM?

ISN'T HE GREAT?

YEAH.
HE SEEMS VERY NICE.

OH, HE IS.

HE'S SMART
AND SOPHISTICATED

AND REALLY CONSIDERATE.

UH-HUH.
UH-HUH.

HE WON'T EVEN START
THE CAR

UNLESS WE PUT ON
OUR SEAT BELTS!

WHAT A GUY.

I'VE NEVER GONE OUT
WITH SOMEONE FOR A MONTH

WHO DIDN'T MAKE A PASS.

I NEVER MADE A PASS.

YOU'RE MY FRIEND,
SILLY.

IT DOESN'T COUNT.

SEE YOU, TERRY!

[DOOR CLOSES]

WE'VE ONLY JUST BEGUN]
PLAYS]

[CAT GROWLS]

* WE'VE ONLY JUST BEGUN
TO LIVE... *

POOKIE REALLY SEEMS
TO LIKE YOU.

POOKIE'S
A HELL OF A CAT.

I KNOW.

WILL THERE BE

ANY OTHER EAGLES
DROPPING BY TONIGHT?

I HOPE NOT.

* AND WE'RE ON OUR WAY *

* WE'VE ONLY BEGUN

* BEFORE THE RISING SUN,
WE FLY *

* SO MANY ROADS TO CHOOSE

* WE START OUT WALKING
AND LEARN TO RUN *

* AND YES,
WE'VE JUST BEGUN... *

TAYLOR?

HMM?

WOULD YOU DO
SOMETHING FOR ME?

ANYTHING.

ON YOUR SHOW,

COULD YOU GIVE ME
SOME SORT OF SIGNAL

TO LET ME KNOW THAT
I'M YOUR SPECIAL GIRL?

SURE. SURE.

HOW ABOUT
IF I RUB MY--

HOW ABOUT IF I
SCRATCH MY CHIN?

* ...DAY TO DAY

* TOGETHER... *

THE KID DESERVES
HER OWN SIGNAL.

CALL ME SENTIMENTAL,

BUT I LIKE THE ONE
IN HER DINING ROOM BETTER.

CAN YOU BELIEVE THIS?
SHE WON'T GO OUT WITH ME.

I'M JUST HERE
TO PICK UP MY WATCH.

TAYLOR WORTH. WHAT'S
HAPPENING, HONEY?

OH, NOT MUCH.

SHE LEFT THIS, TOO.

THANK YOU.

IT'S GOOD.

AMBIVALENCE
I CAN WORK WITH.

HATE TAKES LONGER.

WHAT ARE YOU
DOING HERE?

SHH!

Guess who's
the head fund raiser

for the rehab center.

HMM.

Come here.
Come here.

SEE YA.

HI.

GOD, ELEANOR, PLEASE.
NOT HERE.

OH, YES, HERE.
IN THE LOBBY.

IN THE MIDDLE
OF THE STREET.

IN THE CEREAL AISLE
AT THE A&P.

TELL ME
YOU'RE DYING FOR IT.

TELL ME I'M
DYING FOR IT.

TELL ME I'M THE BEST.

YOU'RE THE BEST.

TELL ME I'M BETTER
THAN THE BEST.

YOU'RE BETTER THAN
THE BEST--OHH!

[SNORING]

BRAVO!

[WHISTLING]

BRAVO!

I HAVEN'T
HAD MUCH CHANCE

TO GET TO KNOW
YOUR WIFE,

BUT SHE SEEMS
LIKE A REAL GEM.

YES.

I DON'T KNOW
IF I MENTIONED IT,

BUT I'M
A PSYCHIATRIST.

SOMETIMES I CAN TELL
A GREAT MARRIAGE

WHEN I SEE ONE.

IT SEEMS TO ME

THAT YOU GUYS HAVE
A REALLY STRONG,

CLOSE, GOOD ONE,
AM I RIGHT?

TAYLOR! TAYLOR!
WHERE ARE YOU RUNNING TO?

TAYLOR?

TAYLOR WORTH?

THE WEATHERMAN?

THAT'S RIGHT.

I LOVE YOUR REPORTS!

YOU GIVE THE MOST
THOROUGHLY DETAILED

WEATHER REPORTS!

I KNOW.

WEATHER'S
A HOBBY OF MINE.

OH.

HOW ABOUT THAT STORM
LAST MARCH? AIYEE!

WAS THAT A SHOCK
OR WHAT?

YOUR FLY IS OPEN.

QUITE A SHOCK.

AND THAT FLASH FLOOD
IN NEBRASKA LAST MAY?

WHOOSH!

HOW CAN SHE STAND HIM?

YOUR FLY IS OPEN.

OH, HONEY!
HONEY, LOOK.

TAYLOR WORTH.

OH.

HOW DO YOU DO?

YOUR FLY IS OPEN!

WELL, IT DOESN'T
MAKE ME DEAF!

UH, EXCUSE ME.
GOT TO RUN.

11:00 NEWS.

YOU PLAYED BEAUTIFULLY.
THANK YOU.

DO YOU KNOW
WHAT TIME IT IS?

I KNOW YOU JUST PLAYED
FOR 2 HOURS,
BUT MAY I COME IN?

JUST SO YOU KNOW
WHY I'M MAD,

I HATE IT WHEN MY FRIENDS
RUN OUT OF MY CONCERTS

WITHOUT TELLING ME
HOW WONDERFUL I AM,

AND I REALLY HATE IT

WHEN GUYS COME BY HERE
UNANNOUNCED

THINKING IT MEANS
THAT I HAVE TO LET THEM IN.

HOW MANY YOU LET
IN THERE SO FAR?

IMAGINE WHAT SHE'S
GOING TO DO TO ME

WHEN I CALL OFF
OUR WEDDING.

LOOK, YOU GOT TO ADMIT

YOU SENT ME SOME
PRETTY MIXED SIGNALS.

I MEAN,
"HERE'S YOUR WATCH

ECAUSE I NEVER WANT
TO SEE YOU AGAIN,

"BUT HERE'S A TICKET
BECAUSE

I WANT YOU TO SEE
WHAT YOU'RE MISSING."

WELL, I SAW, OK?
AND YOU'RE MAGNIFICENT.

I CAN'T WAIT
TO HEAR YOU AGAIN.

[RUSTLING]

CALL ME.

[CHAIN UNLATCHES]

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

[RING]

[RING]

HELLO?

VERONICA BRISKOW?

YES.

HI. IT'S TAYLOR WORTH.

I KNOW THIS SEEMS SILLY,
BUT I CAN'T HELP IT.

IT'S SUCH A PRETTY MOVIE.

ENJOY THE SHOW!

I HAVEN'T SEEN IT
SINCE I WAS A LITTLE GIRL.

REALLY?
I'VE NEVER SEEN IT.

YOU HAVEN'T?
NO. 2 PLEASE.

WAIT TILL YOU SEE DOPEY.
HE'S THE MOST ADORABLE THING.

HEY, THAT'S WHY
I'M HERE. THANKS.

ACTUALLY,
I HAD A DIFFERENT

SORT
OF DAY PLANNED,

ONE THAT ENDS
IN A PROPOSAL.

HELLO.

MAYBE IF I TOSS IN

A HONEYMOON
AT DISNEYLAND.

[FINALE MUSIC PLAYING]

COME ON!

IT'S SO VERY BEAUTIFUL.

THEY'RE SO MUCH IN LOVE.

[CRYING]

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

FILMING OUR OWN
HAPPY ENDING.

CAN YOU MOVE
A LITTLE TO THE LEFT?

WHOA! WHOA.
RIGHT THERE.

THAT'S PERFECT.

ERIN.

TAYLOR.

ERIN, I THINK YOU
ALREADY KNOW

WHAT I'M GOING TO
ASK YOU.

AND THIS MAY SEEM
INAPPROPRIATE

BECAUSE I HAVEN'T
KNOWN YOU VERY LONG,

BUT, ERIN...

TAYLOR.

DEAR ERIN...

WILL YOU MARRY ME?

OH.

OHH!

I TAKE IT
THAT'S A YES?

[SHRIEKING]

CAN I HEAR
THE WORD, PLEASE?

CAN I HEAR THAT
PRECIOUS WORD?

OH, YES.

OH, YES, TAYLOR.

I WILL MARRY YOU.

TAKE ME, TAYLOR.

OH, WILD HORSES
COULDN'T STOP ME.

MMM. MMM.

MMM. MMM. MMM!

OW! WHAT?

OH. SORRY.

NED. NED.

NOT ONLY AM I 1/3 OF THE WAY
TO TEACHING YOU A LESSON,

BUT TONIGHT, I WILL BE
LYING WITH THE GODS.

ERIN,
I WANT YOU TO KNOW,

THERE IS NO ONE
I WOULD RATHER BE WITH

AND NOTHING I WOULD
RATHER BE DOING.

MMM! MMM!

OH!

I'M SO GLAD
I WAITED.

OH, YEAH.

I'M GLAD
WE WAITED, TOO.

NO. I'M SO GLAD
I WAITED.

YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.
I'M GLAD THAT WE WAITED, TOO.

MMM! MMM! MMM!

NO, TAYLOR.

I'M SO GLAD
I WAITED.

WHAT?

ERIN, I KNOW THIS IS
OUR FIRST TIME, DARLING,

BUT YOU'RE NOT SAYING,
ARE YOU...

THAT THIS IS
YOUR FIRST TIME?

YES.

OHH.

MMM.

TAYLOR,
DON'T BE UPSET.

I KNOW IT'S NOT
YOUR FIRST TIME.

IT'S DIFFERENT
FOR MEN.

OH, ERIN, ERIN, ERIN.
YOU ARE VERY SPECIAL.

YOU ARE. YOU ARE.

AND--AND--AND YOU'VE WAITED
SUCH A LONG TIME.

I WANT THIS
TO BE RIGHT FOR YOU.

LET'S WAIT. OK?

LET'S WAIT TILL
AFTER THE WEDDING.

ARE YOU SURE?

RIGHT NOW,
MORE THAN ANYTHING,

I WANT YOU
INSIDE ME,

TO FINALLY KNOW
WHAT IT FEELS LIKE.

OH, GOD.

I'M SURE.

YOU ARE SO GOOD
AT LOOKING AT
THE BIG PICTURE.

OH, YEAH. I'M LOOKING
AT THE BIG PICTURE.

MMM!

WHAT?

I'M NOT A MONSTER.

[SHRIEKING]

CAN I HEAR
THE WORD, PLEASE?

CAN I HEAR THAT
PRECIOUS WORD?

OH! OH!
OH, YES, TAYLOR.

I WILL MARRY YOU.

TAKE ME, TAYLOR.

OH, YEAH.

WILD HORSES
COULDN'T STOP ME.

MMM. MMM.

MMM! MMM! MMM!

OW! WHAT?

OH, SORRY.

NED, NED.

NOT ONLY AM I
1/3 OF THE WAY

TO TEACHING YOU
A LESSON

AND WINNING
THIS BET,

BUT TONIGHT,

I WILL BE LYING
WITH THE GODS.

[TV STATIC]

I'LL BUY.
IT'S MY IDEA.

FORGET IT.
I'VE BEEN TRYING TO

TAKE YOU OUT FOR
A MONTH. 2, PLEASE.

THANKS.

GUESS IT'S THE HOT
TICKET IN TOWN.

HEY!

SHH! QUIET!

SHH! SHH!

MMM!

THIS IS BETTER THAN
PRIMAL THERAPY.

IT'S MORE CATHARTIC.

CARE FOR A DRINK?

WE HAVE MAI TAI
OR TEQUILA SUNRISE.

* LA DA DA DA *

WHOA, WHOA, HO!

NO, NO. WHAT DID YOU
REALLY THINK OF THE MOVIE?

I THOUGHT IT WAS GREAT.
I'D LOVE TO LIE THERE

TILL THE RIGHT WOMAN
CAME ALONG.

YOU DON'T GET IT,
DO YOU?

SHE LEAVES
EVERYTHING BEHIND--

HER HOME, HER LITTLE FRIENDS,
AND FOR WHAT?

FOR SOME HANDSOME PRINCE!

THE WHOLE ENDING
IMPLIES

THAT A WOMAN NEEDS A MAN
TO BRING HER TO LIFE!

VERONICA,
IT IS NOT REAL LIFE!

IT'S A FAIRY TALE!

COME ON!

I MEAN, DID YOU EVER
READ THE FROG PRINCE?

IN THAT ONE,
HE STAYED A FROG

UNTIL SHE KISSED HIM

AND BROUGHT HIM
BACK TO LIFE.

YEAH, WELL, I'VE KISSED
A LOT OF FROGS,

AND I HAVEN'T
MET A PRINCE YET.

U'VE BEEN KISSING
THE WRONG FROGS.

IT'S HARD TO FIND
THE RIGHT PERSON.

IT'S A SEARCH,
A PROCESS.

I DON'T THINK IT'S
SUPPOSED TO BE EASY.

WELL, MAYBE
I MISJUDGED YOU, TAYLOR.

UP UNTIL NOW,

I THOUGHT OF YOU AS JUST
A PLEASANT DIVERSION,

BUT MAYBE THERE'S
A WELL OF COMPASSION

AND SENSITIVITY IN YOU.

REALLY?

NOT A DEEP WELL.

MORE LIKE A BUCKET
OR A TOY PAIL.

YOU CAN STOP BEFORE
YOU GET TO DIXIE CUP.

YOU KNOW, SOME SAY YOU
HAVE TO KISS A FROG TWICE.

OH, WHY DID YOU EVER
COME INTO MY LIFE?

TO MAKE YOU HAPPY.

TO HOLD YOU
IN MY ARMS FOREVER.

I'LL NEVER BE ABLE TO
LOOK MY FATHER IN THE FACE.

LOOK, LET'S GET AWAY--

LET'S GET MARRIED
IMMEDIATELY,
RIGHT AWAY, TONIGHT.

YOU MEAN ELOPE?

THAT'S WHAT I MEAN.

BUT WHERE WOULD WE GO?

[HUMMING]

GUESS WHAT?

THIS VERONICA?

SHE'S REAL EASY
TO BE WITH,

ONCE SHE STOPS
BUSTING YOUR BALLS.

* DA DA DA DA

AFTER SHE AGREES
TO MARRY ME,

I'M GOING TO
KEEP DATING HER.

...CAN'T TALK
TO ONE ANOTHER.

AND WHENEVER
A YOUNG MAN--

AND THERE HAVE BEEN
VERY NICE ONES--

HEY! HEY!

I THOUGHT
WE MADE A DEAL.

WHOEVER
MAKES BREAKFAST

GETS TO PICK
THE STATION.

IT'S HALFTIME,

AND I DON'T CARE
WHAT DEAL WE STRUCK.

I'M NOT WATCHING
THE EAGLETTES

DO THEIR BORN
IN THE U.S.A. ROUTINE.

OH, COME ON. THAT'S
THEIR BEST ONE.

MMM! MMM! MMM!

AHH.

Announcer: I, MYSELF,
HAVE PLAYED HERE.

AH. I ADMIRE
THOSE WOMEN.

THAT'S BECAUSE THEIR JOB
IS MORE DIFFICULT THAN YOURS.

WHAT IN THE WORLD
IS GOING ON DOWN THERE?

LOOKS LIKE
THE EAGLES CHEERLEADERS

ARE UNROLLING A BANNER
OR SOMETHING.

"CONGRATULATIONS
ERIN AND TAY-- "

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

MMM!

[BEEP]
HELLO, MISS BRISKOW?

THIS IS ELEANOR LARIMORE

CONFIRMING THE LUNCHEON
TOMORROW.

PLEASE GIVE ME A CALL.
THANK YOU.

OH, NO.

OH, YES.

MMM.

MMM. MMM. MMM.

BYE, LOVE BUCKETS.

PIECE OF CAKE.

VERONICA.

HMM?

HOW ABOUT IF TONIGHT
I GIVE YOU

A SPECIAL SIGNAL
ON THE SHOW,

YOU KNOW, ONE THAT SAYS
I'M THINKING ABOUT YOU?

OH, THAT'S SWEET,

BUT I WATCH CHANNEL 8.

THAT DOESN'T BOTHER ME.

HERE IN THE TRI-STATE AREA,

WE HAVE HIGH WINDS
COMING DOWN FROM NEW YORK,

BUT WE'LL HAVE
CLEAR AIR QUALITY TOMORROW

IN ALL THE DELAWARE VALLEY.

THAT'S ALL FOR THE WEATHER.

NOW BACK TO
MY FAVORITE NEWSCASTER,

CORY CHU,

RIGHT AFTER THIS
COMMERCIAL BREAK.

AND IN LOCAL NEWS,
PHILADELPHIA CITY COUNCIL...

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

[RING]

HELLO?

HEY, BUDDY.
DID YOU SEE THE GAME?

NED, I DON'T HAVE TIME
TO TALK NOW.

THINGS ARE GETTING
A LITTLE CLOSE.

I AM 15 MINUTES LATE
FOR A DATE WITH SOMEBODY,

AND I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHO.

W THAT BANNER ON TV.
WHO KNOWS WHO ELSE DID.

HEY, YOU KNOW,
VERONICA AND ELEANOR

ARE HAVING LUNCH TOGETHER.

I THINK THIS WHOLE THING
IS GONNA BLOW UP IN YOUR FACE.

NED, ONE MORE THING.

YEAH, WHAT?

THIS IS GETTING RIDICULOUS.

I'VE GOT TO BREAK UP
WITH ERIN.

[PIANO PLAYING]

HAVE YOU PICKED
THE USHERS YET?

USHERS?

NO. I HAVEN'T.

UH, SEE, ERIN.
WE HAVE TO TALK.

AT TEDDY'S TUX, IF YOU
HAVE 6 OR MORE USHERS,

THE GROOM GETS
HIS TUX FOR FREE.

I HAVE A TUX.

SEE, I DIDN'T KNOW THAT.

ERIN, YOU'RE
A WONDERFUL GIRL,

AND I CARE ABOUT YOU
VERY MUCH.

FROM A SELFISH
POINT OF VIEW,

I CAN'T THINK
OF ANYTHING

I WOULD RATHER HAVE
THAN YOU BEING MY WIFE

FOR
THE NEXT 50 OR 60--

WHAT ARE THESE?

SWATCHES.

SWATCHES? FOR WHAT?

FOR MY DRESS
AND THE BRIDESMAIDS DRESSES.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY
A SELFISH POINT OF VIEW?

I CAN'T MARRY YOU.

WHAT?

LOOK, I DON'T KNOW
WHAT I WAS THINKING--

I GUESS THAT
WE'D GET MARRIED

AND THAT
WE'D BE TOGETHER

AND WE'D DECIDE TO
TRY TO HAVE A FAMILY.

AND THEN WE'D TRY
FOR A YEAR OR 2...

AND THEN
WE'D BOTH BE TESTED

AND YOU WOULD
REALIZE THAT I'M--

YOU'RE SAYING
YOU'RE STERILE.

YES.

OH, I KNEW
YOU'D UNDERSTAND.

ERIN, YOU DESERVE
BETTER THAN ME.

WAIT A MINUTE.

YOU'RE SAYING THAT WE'LL
NEVER HAVE TO WORRY

ABOUT BIRTH CONTROL
AND IF WE WANT A BABY,

ALL I'LL HAVE TO DO IS BE
ARTIFICIALLY INSEMINATED.

I AM SORRY THEY WON'T
BE YOURS, THOUGH.

IT'S NOT JUST
THAT I'M STERILE.

SEE, I CAN'T HAVE...

AN ORGASM.

YOU MEAN YOU CAN JUST
STAY HARD FOREVER?

NO, GODDAMN IT!

I MEAN I'M IMPOTENT!

[MUSIC STOPS
AND PEOPLE STOP TALKING]

OH.

I UNDERSTAND. YOU
SHOULDN'T BE DOOMED

TO A LIFE
WITHOUT SEX.

NOW, DON'T RUSH ME.

IT'S JUST A LOT
TO THINK ABOUT.

COULD YOU GIVE ME
A COUPLE OF DAYS?

OH, OF COURSE.

NOW, IN THE MEANTIME,

WHICH OF THESE
DO YOU LIKE BEST

FOR MY MAID OF HONOR?

2, PLEASE.

THANKS.

I HAD TO BRING HER.

HEY.

DO YOU KNOW ABOUT
OUR DISCOUNT PASSBOOKS?

[MOVIE MUSIC BEGINS]

COME HERE!

YOU WANT IT, HUH?

[GIGGLES]

COME ON.

YOU BE MY LITTLE GIRL?

OH! YES.

OOH! I'LL BE
YOUR LITTLE GIRL.

WILL YOU BE MY MOMMY?

OH, YES!

OH, OH,
I'LL BE YOUR MOMMY.

AHHH!

WILL YOU BE
MY BRIDE?

OH! YES!

NO, NO.

YES! YES,
I'LL BE YOUR BRIDE!

YES!

HI, HONEY.

HI, SWEETIE.

OH...OH,
YOU KNOW YOUR PICASSO?

MM-HMM.

IS THAT ONE OF THOSE
PRICELESS SORT OF THINGS,

OR MERELY WORTH MORE
THAN ANY MAN COULD EARN

IN HIS ENTIRE LIFE?

* ALL OF MY DAYS

* GONNA GIVE YOU MY LOVE

* ALL OF MY HEART
AND MY SOUL *

* FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE

* AND ALL OF OUR DREAMS

YOU EVER HEARD OF
THE SOONERS?

FOOTBALL TEAM?

PROPER NOUN.

YEAH, BUT IT'S ALSO A WORD
THAT CAN MEAN, UH...

PIONEERS.

FINE. PUT IT DOWN.

GREAT.

S-O-O-

N-E-R.

THAT'S YOUR WORD?

SINGULAR SOONER?

YEAH.

[GIGGLES]

WHAT?

THERE WAS ONLY ONE SOONER
IN THE COVERED WAGON.

GREAT WORD, TAYLOR.

I JUST WISH
YOU COULD HAVE

THOUGHT OF IT SOONER.

* ALL OF MY DAYS

* GONNA GIVE YOU MY LOVE

* ALL OF MY HEART
AND MY SOUL *

* FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE

YOU MOVED IT.

YEAH. NOW WE CAN SEE
THE SUN COME UP
BEHIND THE TREES.

YOU MOVED MY BED
WITHOUT ASKING.

I DIDN'T BOLT IT
DOWN.

NO? WHY DO WOMEN
ALWAYS HAVE TO DO THAT?

USUALLY IT'S JUST
A FERN OR SOMETHING.

WELL, I'M NOT TRYING
TO INSINUATE MYSELF

INTO YOUR PERFECTLY
CONSTRUCTED LIFE.

NO? THEN WHAT WAS THAT?

I JUST HAPPEN TO LOVE
WAKING UP IN YOUR ARMS.

I HAPPEN TO THINK
IT WOULD BE BEAUTIFUL

WATCHING THE DAMN SUN
RISE AT THE SAME TIME!

OW!

AFRAID OF
A LITTLE CHANGE--

YOU ARE THE MOST STUBBORN
PERSON I HAVE EVER MET!

I...LIKE IT...

HERE! I SHOULD HAVE
SAID SO...

SOONER.

* HEY

* ALL OF MY DAYS

* GONNA MAKE THEM
COME TO ME *

HE'S IMPOTENT.

OH.

I'M SO SORRY.

WHAT SHOULD I DO?

I CAN'T MAKE UP
YOUR MIND FOR YA.

I WAS HOPING YOU COULD.

HOW?

I'D LIKE TO KNOW
WHAT I'VE BEEN MISSING.

WAIT A MINUTE. DO I ONLY GET
ONE SHOT AT THIS?

DEPENDS.

YEAH!

[PANTING]

MARATHON!

THAT'S VERY GOOD.

[IN HIGH VOICE]
AND THE MOUSE
OLYMPICS CONTINUE.

[HUMMING]

FIGURE SKATING!

THAT'S CLOSE.

[HUMMING]

PAIR FIGURE SKATING.

VERY GOOD!
AND THAT'S ALL.

OH, NO, NO.

DO ONE MORE, PLEASE.
PLEASE, PLEASE.

OK. OK. BUT THIS
IS NOT A SPORT.

THIS IS AN ENTIRELY

DIFFERENT EVENT
ALTOGETHER.

AAA AAAA!

[CRACKS KNUCKLES]

AAH!

DO IT! YES!

[MAKING SQUEAKY
NONSENSE WORDS]

HA HA HA!

OH, I'M SO HAPPY.

HA HA HA!
WHAT IS IT?

OH, THANK YOU.

I HAVEN'T A CLUE.

MISS MOUSE AMERICA.

HA HA HA!
GET OUT OF HERE.

I FEEL GREAT.

AFTER TODAY, I WILL
BE THROUGH WITH THIS BET.

I'LL HAVE THE CABIN,
I'LL HAVE THE PICASSO,

BUT BEST OF ALL,

I WILL HAVE THE GIRL.

I'M GOING TO HAVE TO
WRITE NED A THANK-YOU NOTE.

I'M NOT GOING TO CALL OFF
THE ENGAGEMENT WITH VERONICA.

I'M NOT GOING TO
RUSH IT EITHER.

A COUPLE YEARS
DOWN THE LINE

WHEN A LITTLE TAYLOR
SOUNDS LIKE A GOOD IDEA,

WE'LL TIE THE KNOT.

I REALLY LOVE THIS GIRL.

HA HA HA!
STOP THAT.

AH.

LET'S SIT HERE.

YEAH.

AH.

WHY DO I HAVE A FEELING

IT'S TIME
FOR A SERIOUS TALK?

YOU KNOW ME
PRETTY WELL.

SEE, IT'S JUST
THAT, UM...

AAH.

TAYLOR,
YOU'RE NERVOUS.

NO, I'M NOT.

YES, YOU ARE.

YOU'RE MY FAVORITE
PERSON.

OH, BOY.

OH, GOD.

OH.

YOU KNOW, ALL MY LIFE

I WAS CONVINCED

I WAS RESPONSIBLE
FOR MY OWN HAPPINESS.

I COULD NEVER DEPEND
ON ANYONE ELSE
TO GIVE IT TO ME.

BUT I WAS WRONG.

YOU'VE GIVEN IT TO ME.

COME ON.
SIT DOWN.

VERONICA,
MARRY ME.

MARRY YOU?
HA HA HA!

I CAN'T MARRY YOU.

I THOUGHT YOU WANTED TO
MOVE IN TOGETHER.

I DO! AND HAVE KIDS
AND GROW OLD.

YEAH, WELL, I'D WANT TO
TRY IT OUT FIRST.

LIVE TOGETHER
FOR A FEW MONTHS,
SEE HOW WE GET ALONG.

HOW WE GET ALONG?
HOW WE GET ALONG?

YOU DO THE MOUSE
OLYMPICS WITH EVERYONE?

I THINK THERE'S MORE
TO MARRIAGE
THAN MOUSE OLYMPICS.

YEAH, SO DO I.

THERE'S A LOT MORE.

THERE'S CARING.

VERONICA, I CARE
ABOUT YOU VERY MUCH.

YOU MAKE ME LAUGH
AT MYSELF.

YOU KNOW
WHAT YOU HAVE?

YOU HAVE MY HEART.

AND YOU KNOW WHAT?

I DON'T WANT YOU
TO LET GO.

I WANT TO HAVE TERRIBLE
FIGHTS WITH YOU

AND KNOW THAT YOU'RE
NOT GOING ANYWHERE.

KNOW THAT I'M NOT
GOING ANYWHERE.

I WANT TO PICK
THINGS OUT WITH YOU

AND BUY THEM!

I WANT A...

YOU KNOW WHAT,
I WANT A...

AAH!
I WANT A COMMITMENT!

AAH!

MAKE ONE WITH ME.

OH, MY GOD.
I'VE BEEN SWEPT OFF MY FEET.

IS THAT A YES?

YES.

YES!

I WANT TO
MARRY YOU NOW...

TODAY.

WELL, HOW ABOUT
SOMETIME THIS MONTH?

I GOT TO TELL HER
ABOUT THE BET.

PRETTY IRONIC, HUH?

SAME THING
THAT GOT ME INTO THIS

COULD TAKE IT ALL AWAY.

POETIC JUSTICE
DOESN'T FEEL SO GOOD.

THAT WAS NICE.

WE'RE HERE.

VERONICA, I'VE DONE
SOME THINGS IN MY PAST

I'M NOT PROUD OF.

I DON'T WANT TO
HEAR ABOUT THEM.

YEAH, BUT, SEE,
THERE'S THIS ONE THING

IN MY VERY RECENT PAST,

SOMETHING
I REALIZE IN RETROSPECT

WASN'T VERY NICE.

SOMETHING THAT INVOLVED
A FEW INNOCENT PEOPLE.

SOMETHING THAT NOW
THAT MY...UM...

SINGLE DAYS
ARE BEHIND ME,

I REALIZE
WAS NOT VERY NICE.

ARE YOU PLANNING ON
DOING IT AGAIN?

NO.

ARE YOU A CRIMINAL?

GOD, NO!

THEN DON'T TELL ME.

THERE YOU HAVE IT.

HOWEVER...

YOU BETTER
MARRY ME SOON,

LIKE BEFORE
I SEE YOUR FACE

ON THE POST OFFICE WALL.

HOW ABOUT SATURDAY?

I HAVE TO BE AT CLAIRE'S
IN 3 HOURS.

I'M MEETING
THAT ELEANOR LADY.

I THINK I CAN SQUEEZE IN
A BLOOD TEST.

DO ME A FAVOR.
WHAT?

LET'S WAIT. TELL NED
AND CLAIRE TOGETHER.

YOU'RE RIGHT.

THEY'D PROBABLY NEVER
BELIEVE JUST ONE OF US.

[DOG BARKING]

GOOD WEEKEND, HUH?

MMM...

ARE WE TALKING
GIRL IN LOVE HERE?

YES, BUT I'M NOT

SUPPOSED TO SAY
ANYTHING ABOUT IT.

I PROMISED HIM
I WOULDN'T.

ARE YOU MOVING IN
WITH HIM?

I CAN'T TELL YOU.

ARE YOU GETTING MARRIED?

I'M NOT SUPPOSED
TO TELL YOU.

OH, MY GOD!

[MUFFLED SCREAM]

IS HE A GREAT LAY?

OH...

AS A MATTER OF FACT,
HE IS.

WELL, SOLD. GOOD.

I HAD A CHANCE TO MARRY
A GREAT LAY ONCE,

BUT I DIDN'T.

I MARRIED HOWARD SR.,

THE RICHEST, SWEETEST,

MOST APPROPRIATE PERSON
I COULD FIND.

AND FOR 12 YEARS...

I MANAGED TO GO THROUGH LIFE
AS IF THE REST...

DIDN'T MATTER TO ME.

AND THEN I MET THIS MAN.

HOW HE EVER FOUND ME,
I HAVE NO IDEA,

BUT HE KNEW EXACTLY
WHAT I NEEDED,

AND HE GAVE IT TO ME.

AND HE STILL
GIVES IT TO ME

AND GIVES IT TO ME
AND GIVES IT TO ME.

I CAN'T THINK
OF ANYTHING ELSE.

WHO KNEW?

HA HA HA!

ENOUGH ABOUT ME.
WHAT'S YOUR FELLOW LIKE?

OH...WELL.

[KIDS ARGUING]

EXCUSE ME.

GIVE ME IT!

IT'S MY TAPE!

IT'S MINE!

WHAT IS
GOING ON HERE?

SHE PUT A TAPE ON,
AND YOU SAID

WE SHOULD NEVER
DO THAT.

I WANT TO SEE
MARY POPPINS.

YOU DO?

THAT'S NOT
MARY POPPINS,

AND YOU'RE GOING
TO GET A TIME-OUT.

YOU'RE GOING TO GET
A TIME-OUT, TOO.

ARE NOT.

ARE, TOO.
ARE NOT.

QUIET, KIDS!

GO TO YOUR ROOM.
GO TO YOUR ROOM.

Erin: TAYLOR.

I KNEW WE'D BE
SENT TO OUR ROOM.

WILL YOU MARRY ME?

YEEEA!

IS THAT A YES?

CAN I HEAR
THAT PRECIOUS WORD?

OH, OH, YES, TAYLOR.

I WILL MARRY YOU.

THAT'S MY TAYLOR.

THAT'S MY TAYLOR.

TAKE ME, TAYLOR.

THAT'S HER TAYLOR.

NED, NED, NOT ONLY AM I
1/3 OF THE WAY

TO TEACHING YOU A LESSON
AND WINNING THIS BET,

BUT TONIGHT I WILL BE
LYING WITH THE GODS!

NED.

WHAT?

WEDDING?

WEDDING. ST. JAMES CHAPEL,
2:00 SATURDAY.

CIGAR.

CIGAR?

ROCKET,

YOU'RE NOT GETTING
THE PAINTING.

NO TAPE, NO PAINTING.

NED, I CANNOT BELIEVE
HOW IMMATURE YOU ARE BEING.

DO YOU EXPECT ME
TO SHOW YOU A TAPE

OF THE WOMAN I LOVE
ACCEPTING MY PROPOSAL?

IF YOU WANT
THE PAINTING.

PAINTING? PAINTING!
IT'S NOT ABOUT A PAINTING.

IT'S ABOUT HUMAN BEINGS.

IT'S NOT ABOUT
A STUPID BET.

PEOPLE!

I'M ASHAMED OF THAT BET.

IT'S CONTEMPTIBLE!
REALLY.

PLAYING WITH PEOPLE'S LIVES
THAT WAY.

YOU SHOULD ALL BE ASHAMED,

ESPECIALLY YOU, NED.

WELL, I NEVER THOUGHT
YOU'D WIN.

WIN?

THAT'S NOT THE POINT.

THE POINT IS,
I AM OUT. OUT!

YOU'RE SERIOUS?

YES.

YOU'RE REALLY
GOING TO MARRY HER?

YES, I AM.

FORGET THE BET.

GOOD MAN.

I STILL GET MY $400
THOUGH, RIGHT?

ALL BETS ARE OFF.

WHAT ABOUT ERIN
AND ELEANOR?

I'LL HANDLE IT.

HEY, TAYLOR.
HOW ARE YOU?

HEY, IRA.

TRACEY. THANKS.
SEE YOU TOMORROW.

IT'S WEDNESDAY,

AND EVERYTHING
IS WORKING OUT JUST GREAT.

TOMORROW, I'M GOING TO HAVE
ONE LAST LUNCH WITH ERIN.

SHE'LL CALL OFF THE WEDDING
BY DESSERT, TRUST ME.

BY FRIDAY, ELEANOR
SHOULD GET THIS LETTER.

I TOLD HER IT WAS TIME
TO PUT HER PASSION
BACK INTO HER MARRIAGE.

MARRIAGE.

I'M GETTING MARRIED
TO VERONICA ON SATURDAY.

DID YOU EVER THINK IT WAS
GOING TO WORK OUT THIS WELL? HA!

[JAWS-LIKE MUSIC]

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

HI, TAYLOR.

HI.

AMY!

DO THE STATION A FAVOR,
AND CALL THIS ELEANOR BACK!

THURSDAY, 9:00 A.M.
"I WANT TO SEE YOU."

9:15, "WHERE ARE YOU?"

9:30, "I NEED YOU."
ET CETERA, ET CETERA.

HERE'S A SMART GIRL.

"CAN'T MAKE LUNCH TODAY,
HOW ABOUT FRIDAY? ERIN."

Man: IT WILL BE NICE
TO SEE YOU, TOO.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

HI. WORTH. 1:00.
FOR TWO.

YES. THE YOUNG LADY
IS INSIDE.

AHH.

[STRING INSTRUMENTS PLAYING]

SIR, SHE--

HELLO.

TAYLOR.

YOU CAN'T MAKE IT?

I KNOW WE'VE GOT
A LOT TO TALK ABOUT.

YOU SAID YOU'D MAKE
YOUR DECISION BY NOW.

NO, I CAN'T WAIT
TILL NEXT WEEK.

IT'S GOT TO BE TOMORROW
IN THE MORNING.

UH, FINE, FINE.

YOUR HOUSE, 11:00.

YEAH, YEAH,
THANK YOU. BYE.

HI, TAYLOR.

WHERE ARE YOU?

WHY HAVEN'T YOU
CALLED ME?

YOU'VE BEEN
VERY NAUGHTY.

MOMMY'S GOING TO
HAVE TO PUNISH YOU.

HI.

HELLO, TAYLOR.

I'VE MADE
MY DECISION.

WHATEVER IT IS,
I'LL UNDERSTAND.

COME ON IN.

I MAY HAVE TIME FOR A HAIRCUT
BEFORE THE WEDDING.

SURPRISE!
SURPRISE!

MOM AND DAD,
THIS IS TAYLOR.

SON.

Mom: OH, TAYLOR.

ERIN, CAN I TALK
TO YOU FOR A MINUTE?

Not right now.

WHERE IS THAT PARTY MIX?

WELCOME TO
THE FAMILY, SON.

HEY, HI! I'M CHIP,
BROTHER OF THE BRIDE.

OH, DON'T WORRY
ABOUT THAT.

YOU'LL HAVE PLENTY
OF TIME

FOR TALKING
AFTER YOU'RE MARRIED...

LIKE ON YOUR
WEDDING NIGHT.

HA HA HA!

GOD, I LOVE ERIN.

SHE'S MY FAVORITE NIECE.

YOU KNOW,
IT'S JUST LIKE HER

TO FIND SOMEBODY
LIKE YOU TO MARRY.

I MEAN, WHAT A HEART
ON THAT GIRL.

ALWAYS BRINGING HOME
SOME LIMPING PUPPY

OR BIRD
WITH A BROKEN WING.

ERIN, ERIN,
CAN I TALK TO YOU?

HAVE YOU TRIED
THE STAMP TEST?

THE WHAT?

THE STAMP TEST.

YOU TAKE
A FEW STAMPS FROM A ROLL,

ENOUGH TO CIRCLE YOUR PENIS.

I'D SAY IN YOUR CASE...
ABOUT 5.

PUT THEM ON
BEFORE YOU GO TO BED.

OVERLAP THEM JUST ENOUGH
SO YOU CAN LICK ONE

TO MAKE THEM STICK.

NOW, IF THEY BREAK OFF
DURING THE NIGHT,

YOUR PROBLEM IS UP HERE.

YOU WANT TO KNOW WHY?

WHY?

ERIN!

YOU DON'T
HAVE TO YELL, HONEY.

I'M RIGHT HERE.

ERIN, HOW COULD
YOU TELL EVERYONE?

HUH?

THIS WAS SUPPOSED TO
BE PERSONAL.

HONEY, I JUST TALKED
ABOUT IT WITH MY FAMILY

AND SOME OF THE GUYS
ON THE TEAM.

SOME OF THE GUYS
ON THE TEAM!

AND THE COACH.

THE COACH!
DAMN IT, ERIN!

THEY ALL SEEM TO AGREE

THAT AFTER THE FIRST
YEAR OF MARRIAGE,

SEX ISN'T
THAT IMPORTANT.

SEX IS THE CORNERSTONE
OF INTIMACY.

INTIMACY, SCHMINTIMACY.

I GOT A HUNCH
ABOUT YOU, TAYLOR.

I THINK YOUR PROBLEM'S
JUST WITH WOMEN.

I KNOW YOU WOULD
LOOK GOOD IN ROSE,

BUT LILLIAN WOULD
LOOK AWFUL, YOU KNOW.

WE'RE NOT
GETTING MARRIED.

ERIN, I CAN'T
MARRY YOU.

YOU CAN, AND YOU WILL.

I WANT TO PROPOSE
A TOAST.

A TOAST!
HEY! RIGHT!

NO, STAY THERE,
SON. TODAY...

IS THE HAPPIEST DAY
OF MY LIFE.

MY LITTLE GIRL'S ENGAGED.

SHE'S GOT HERSELF
A WONDERFUL GUY.

OF COURSE, I'D BE
A LITTLE HAPPIER

IF HE COULD FUNCTION
AS A REAL MAN,

BUT EVEN SO, IT'S
THE HAPPIEST DAY OF MY LIFE.

HIP HIP!

HOORAY!

* FOR HE'S
A JOLLY GOOD FELLOW *

* FOR HE'S
A JOLLY GOOD FELLOW *

* FOR HE'S
A JOLLY GOOD FELLOW *

* WHICH NOBODY CAN DENY

* WHICH NOBODY CAN DENY

* WHICH NOBODY CAN DENY

* FOR HE'S
A JOLLY GOOD--**

OH!

HI, HONEY.

YOU'RE HOME.

YEAH. I'M HOME.

WHERE ARE YOU?

I'M HOME, TOO.

I KNOW WHAT'S
BOTHERING YOU.

NO. NO, YOU DON'T.

SEX.

NO.

YOU'RE AFRAID
IT'S GOING TO BE ROUTINE

NOW THAT
WE'RE LIVING TOGETHER.

IT WON'T BE.

I PROMISE.

LOOK!

OH!

JESUS!

LET'S PARTY.

AAH!

IT'S BEEN
A REALLY BAD DAY.

YOU PROBABLY THINK
I DESERVE THIS, DON'T YOU?

GO AHEAD. SAY IT.

WHO ARE YOU
TALKING TO?

AAH!

CAN YOU WASH
MY BACK?

[WHISTLES] HEY!

HEY, TAXI!

[WHISTLES]

TAYLOR! NEED A RIDE
TO THE WEDDING?

YES!

I'M JUST GOING TO DROP
THESE KIDS OFF, OK?

MOMMY,
JASON HIT ME!

TELL JASON
YOU DON'T LIKE IT.

JASON,
I DON'T LIKE IT!

I DON'T LIKE IT!

GOOD.

CLAIRE, CAN YOU
DROP ME OFF FIRST?

HI, TAYLOR! HI, TAYLOR!

WE'RE OFF!

CLAIRE,
DID YOU HEAR ME?

HEY, PIRATE. COULD YOU MOVE
YOUR ICE CREAM A LITTLE?

MARVIN DROPPED
HIS ICE CREAM
ON TAYLOR.

MOMMY,
I LOST MY BALLOON.

CAN WE STOP?

NO!

SURE WE CAN,
SWEETIE.

THE WEDDING WAS SUPPOSED
TO START 5 MINUTES AGO.

TAYLOR, THEY'RE NOT GOING TO
START WITHOUT YOU!

LEFT. LEFT!

CLAIRE, LEFT!

TURN LEFT!

WHOA!

RELAX! THERE'S
NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT!

OH, I'M GETTING CARSICK.

NOW, THAT'S SOMETHING
TO WORRY ABOUT.

JASON'S
THROWING UP ON ME.

TELL JASON
YOU DON'T LIKE IT.

NONE OF US LIKES IT.

I HAVE TO GET
TO THE WEDDING!

STOP THE CAR!

YOU'RE SO ON EDGE!
TAKE A VALIUM!

WHAT'S A VALIUM?

IT'S LIKE A NAP.

OH.

BYE, TAYLOR!

BYE, TAYLOR!

BYE, TAYLOR!

OH, THERE HE IS.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
THE GROOM.

WHERE
HAVE YOU BEEN?

IT'S 31 FLAVORS.

YOU LOOK DISGUSTING!

HERE. COME ON.
LET'S GET A SHOT HERE.

THAT'S NICE.
THAT'S GOOD.

COME ON.
GET UP THERE.

GO! GO!

GOD...

I CAN'T BELIEVE IT.
I'M WALKING DOWN THE AISLE.

[HUMS FUNERAL DIRGE]

[CONGREGATION WHISPERING]

[FOOTSTEPS]

[ORGAN PLAYS
WAGNER'S BRIDAL MARCH]

HI.

SEEING YOU RIGHT NOW
MADE ME REALIZE SOMETHING.

DEEP DOWN INSIDE,
I DIDN'T THINK YOU'D BE HERE.

THANK YOU
FOR BEING HERE.

LET'S GET MARRIED.

SHALL WE BEGIN NOW?

YES.

[CLEARS THROAT]

EVERY COUPLE
HAS ITS OWN STORY.

IT'S BEEN MY OBSERVATION THAT
THE MORE INTERESTING THE STORY,

THE BETTER THE MARRIAGE,

AND IT LOOKS TO ME

LIKE TAYLOR AND VERONICA

ARE GOING TO HAVE
A WONDERFUL MARRIAGE.

ALL OF US
ARE GATHERED HERE TODAY

TO WITNESS AND SUPPORT
THAT UNION.

TAYLOR WORTH,
DO YOU TAKE VERONICA BRISKOW

TO BE
YOUR LAWFULLY WEDDED WIFE,

TO HAVE AND TO HOLD,

FOR BETTER
OR FOR WORSE,

IN SICKNESS
AND IN HEALTH,

TO LOVE
AND TO CHERISH

FROM THIS DAY FORWARD,

TILL DEATH DO YOU PART?

I DO.

VERONICA BRISKOW,
DO YOU TAKE TAYLOR WORTH

TO BE YOUR
LAWFULLY WEDDED HUSBAND,

FOR BETTER
OR FOR WORSE,

IN SICKNESS
AND IN HEALTH,

TO LOVE AND TO CHERISH
FROM THIS DAY FORWARD,

TILL DEATH DO YOU PART?

I'D NEVER MARRY HIM.

AND YOU
CAN BET ON IT!

[ORGAN PLAYING]

[ORGAN PLAYS
MENDELSSOHN'S WEDDING MARCH]

TAYLOR...

DID SHE SAY
SHE WAS GOING TO MARRY YOU?

AND YOU BELIEVED IT.

THIS WAS A SETUP.

I DON'T KNOW.

I DON'T KNOW
ANYTHING ABOUT THIS.

NED.

OH, GOD.

CLAIRE...

CLAIRE!

CLAIRE? CLAIRE?

[TOILET FLUSHES]

VERONICA...MARRY ME.

I CAN'T MARRY YOU. I THOUGHT
YOU WANTED TO MOVE IN TOGETHER.

I DO! AND HAVE KIDS
AND GROW OLD.

HA HA HA!

I'D WANT TO
TRY IT OUT FIRST,

LIVE TOGETHER
FOR A FEW MONTHS,

SEE HOW WE GET ALONG.

HOW WE GET ALONG?

HOW WE GET ALONG?

GO AWAY.

YOU DO THE MOUSE OLYMPICS
WITH EVERYONE?

THERE'S MORE TO MARRIAGE
THAN MOUSE OLYMPICS.

YEAH, SO DO I.
THERE'S A LOT MORE.

I SAID, GO AWAY!

THERE'S CARING.

VERONICA, I CARE
ABOUT YOU VERY MUCH.

AW, THE HELL WITH IT.

[DOORBELL BUZZES]

YOU KNOW WHAT YOU HAVE?
YOU HAVE MY HEART.

YOU KNOW WHAT?
I DON'T WANT YOU TO LET GO.

I WANT TO HAVE
TERRIBLE FIGHTS WITH YOU--

YEAH?

Ned: IT'S ME.

GO AWAY.

ARE YOU GOING TO
LOCK YOURSELF IN THERE
ANOTHER MONTH?

I AM NOT HOME, NED.

I'VE SEEN HER.

KNOW THAT I'M NOT
GOING ANYWHERE.

I WANT TO PICK THINGS OUT
WITH YOU AND BUY THEM.

WHAT'D SHE SAY?

SHE MENTION ME?

DID SHE TALK ABOUT IT?

HUH?

ACTUALLY,
I JUST WATCHED HER
GET INTO CLAIRE'S CAR.

I WANT A...
YOU KNOW, I WANT A...

AAH!
I WANT A COMMITMENT!

AAH!

MAKE ONE WITH ME.

OH, MY GOD.

I'VE BEEN SWEPT
OFF MY FEET.

IS THAT A YES?

YES.

YES--

GIVE ME THAT TAPE.

NO.

GIVE ME THE TAPE!

I INSIST YOU GET
PROFESSIONAL HELP.

THESE ARE CLASSIC SIGNS
OF DEPRESSION.

FURTHERMORE...

NO! GIVE ME THE TAPE!

NO!

NO!

YES, NED! STOP!

UH!

AAAOOOH!

OH!

WHAT?

WHAT?
NO! LET ME GO!

THAT'S MY BAD ANKLE.

OHH!

OHH!

UH!

OHH!

OHH!

DON'T BE AN ASSHOLE.

THERE'S
A REAL VERONICA OUT THERE.

WHO HATES ME.

YOU DON'T KNOW THAT.

NED...

I PROPOSED TO HER
TO WIN A BET.

YEAH.
THAT'S PRETTY FUCKED.

IT WAS YOUR IDEA!

WELL, YEAH...

I'M SORRY.

I JUST THOUGHT IT WOULD
BE A GOOD IDEA

FOR YOU TO SUFFER.

YEAH? WELL, HERE IT IS.

TAKE A GOOD LOOK.

HOPE YOU'RE HAPPY.

YOU HATE ME,
DON'T YOU?

YOU HATE ME.

NO.

BUT YOU HAVE
EVERY RIGHT TO.

BUT I ASSUME,

SINCE I'M NOT OUT
THERE ON THE STREET

WITH THAT TAPE, THAT
YOU'VE FORGIVEN ME.

AM I RIGHT?

WELL?

MAYBE VERONICA COULD
DO THE SAME WITH YOU.

I THINK IT'S DIFFERENT
BETWEEN A MAN AND A WOMAN.

NOT AS DIFFERENT
AS YOU THINK.

MAYBE THAT'S BEEN
PART OF YOUR PROBLEM.

DID CLAIRE FORGIVE YOU?

YES...

BUT I HAD TO ASK.

WELL...
BEG, ACTUALLY.

BEG.

THANKS.

WELL, OUR NEXT ITEM

COMES FROM OUR GREAT
FOOTBALL TEAM, THE EAGLES.

OF COURSE,
THEY'RE GREAT NOW.

FOR THOSE OF YOU
WHO GREW UP HERE AS I DID,

YOU REMEMBER WHAT THEY
USED TO BE LIKE.

THEY WERE
IN LAST PLACE SO MANY YEARS,

WE USED TO READ THE SPORTS
PAGE UPSIDE-DOWN

JUST TO FEEL
WHAT IT'D BE LIKE

TO SEE OUR TEAM
IN FIRST PLACE.

WELL, WE HAVE HERE
A GREAT ITEM.

IT'S A JERSEY
WORN BY OUR VERY OWN

TERRY CHILDS HERE.

YAY!

NOW, WHO'S GOING TO
START THE BIDDING

ON THIS JERSEY?

$200.

COME ON! THE MAN
SACKED ELWAY TWICE

WEARING THIS VERY JERSEY!

LET'S GO!

$300.

SOLD FOR $300!

WELL, OUR NEXT ITEM
FOR AUCTION

HAS TO BE THE SPECIAL ONE
OF THE EVENING,

AND I EXPECT THE BIGGEST
RESPONSE TO THIS ONE.

WE ALL ENJOYED MISS BRISKOW'S
PLAYING EARLIER THIS EVENING.

[WHISTLING]

WELL, SHE HAS
GRACIOUSLY DONATED

TO THE HIGHEST BIDDER

AN EVENING PERFORMANCE
AT A PRIVATE PARTY.

HOW'S THAT?

MISS BRISKOW,
WOULD YOU COME UP?

COME ON UP.

TAKES A LOT OF GUTS.

I'D NEVER DO MY ACT
IN A HOUSE.

SEE ME AT THE KITCHEN--

"PLEASE DON'T EAT THAT.
I HAVE A CHICKEN JOKE.

IT'S GREAT.
PUT DOWN YOUR SANDWICH."

OK., NOW. LET'S OPEN UP
THE BIDDING AT $200.

$200.

$400.

600.

6. DO I HEAR 7?

$1,000.

WOO! $1,000.

GOING ONCE,
GOING TWICE...

$2,000.

I HEARD $2,000.

2,200.

3,000.

3,200.

3,200.
GOING ONCE...

GOING TWICE.

$4,000
AND A FISHING CABIN.

A FISHING CABIN?

TAYLOR?

LOOK! IT'S OUR VERY OWN
CHANNEL 5 WEATHERMAN--

TAYLOR WORTH!

[WHISTLING]

LOOK!

OK!

UH...
DO I HEAR 4,200?

4,200.

4,200.
OK. GOING ONCE...

OH...

GOING TWICE...

NOT SO FAST, DAVID.

$4,200,

A FISHING CABIN,

AND A PUBLIC PROCLAMATION
OF WHAT A CREEP HE IS.

[AUDIENCE GIGGLES]

OOH!

I'M A CREEP.

I'M A BASTARD.

HE'S A GREAT
LAY.

I KNEW IT!

I DON'T DESERVE YOU,
I KNOW THAT,

BUT I CAN'T IMAGINE
NOT LOVING YOU.

YOU'RE BOLD,
YOU'RE SPLENDID,

YOU'RE INTRIGUING.

YOU'RE A WHOLE LOT OF THINGS
I NEVER KNEW MATTERED.

OH! OH!

VERONICA...

VERONICA...

SAVE ME.

I BEG YOU.

MARRY ME.

IS THAT ALL?

AND A SCRABBLE REMATCH.

UNLIMITED MOUSE OLYMPICS?

I'LL EVEN BECOME
A METEOROLOGIST.

THEN KISS ME!

OHH! OHH!

SOLD FOR $4,200,
A FISHING CABIN,

A PUBLIC PROCLAMATION
OF WHAT A CREEP HE IS,

A SCRABBLE REMATCH,
UNLIMITED MOUSE OLYMPICS,

HE'LL BECOME A METEOROLOGIST,

AND A KISS.

[APPLAUSE]

[CHEERING]

PIECE OF CAKE.

* ALL OF MY DAYS

* GONNA GIVE YOU
MY LOVE *

* ALL OF MY HEART
AND MY SOUL *

* FOR THE REST
OF MY LIFE *

* AND ALL OF OUR DREAMS

* GONNA MAKE THEM
COME TRUE *

* 'CAUSE THE THRILL
OF IT ALL *

* IS TO GIVE YOU
MY ALL *

* ALL OF MY DAYS

* I WILL LET YOU IN

* AND THROW AWAY THE KEY

* MY DOOR
IS ALWAYS OPEN, OPEN *

* YOU'RE MY FANTASY

* ALL OF MY DAYS

* GONNA GIVE YOU
MY LOVE *

* ALL OF MY HEART
AND MY SOUL *

* FOR THE REST
OF MY LIFE *

* AND ALL OF OUR DREAMS

* ALL OF OUR DREAMS

* GONNA MAKE THEM
COME TRUE *

* 'CAUSE THE THRILL
OF IT ALL *

* IS TO GIVE YOU
MY ALL *

* ALL OF MY DAYS

* WITH
EVERY LITTLE WHISPER *

* WHISPER *

* YOU BRING ME
TO MY KNEES *

* HOW I LONG TO
HOLD YOU, HOLD YOU *

* YOU'RE MY EVERYTHING

* ALL OF MY DAYS

* GONNA GIVE YOU
MY LOVE *

* AND ALL OF
MY HEART AND MY SOUL *

* FOR THE REST
OF MY LIFE *

* AND ALL OF OUR DREAMS

* GONNA MAKE THEM
COME TRUE *

* 'CAUSE THE THRILL
OF IT ALL *

* IS TO GIVE YOU
MY ALL *

* ALL OF MY DAYS

* I FEEL YOU TONIGHT *

* GONNA LOVE YOU CRAZY

* 'CAUSE, BABE,
I WANT YOU TO NEED ME *

* TO WANT ME *

* OHHHH, BE MINE *

* TILL THE END OF TIME *

[SAXOPHONE SOLO]

* OHHH-OHHH

* ALL OF MY DAYS

* GONNA GIVE YOU
MY LOVE... **