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- [man] What do we want? - [all] Peace!

Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX

- [man] When do we want it? - [all] Now!

- [man] What do we want? - [all] Peace!

- [man] When do we want it? - [all] Now!

Heavenly father, we thank you for the opportunity

to greet you in prayer, and we thank you for this moment

for brother Nick, and all the production, Father God,

and we just ask that you allow your spirit to be upon him,

shower the favor upon him,

shower it upon the room tonight,

Father God, let the laughter flow.

In Jesus' name, Amen.

[all] It's your neighborhood!

- [man] What do we want? - [all] Peace!

- [man] When do we want it? - [all] Now!

Now, let me tell you about comics.

See, if you look up Redd Foxx and them,

ain't no record of 'em.

- Hmm. - They worked black nightclubs.

And what's funny? Why?

Because it's a rhythm they had for the suffering.

- Hmm. Rhythm for the suffering. - You see? You hear me?

See, Queen Elizabeth one of the richest women in the world.

- Mm-hmm. - So--and beautiful.

You see that gorgeous ho when she was a little girl?

- [laughing] - Listen to this.

I'm sorry, bitch, I called you a ho,

but you know you one.

- Hmm? - [laughing]

All the king's horses and all the king's men,

couldn't put your ass back together again.

Now, that's who you fuckin' with now.

What should I do, I mean, as a comic,

getting ready for this next special?

And I'm talking about everything.

I'm talking about all the stuff they probably

don't even want me to talk about.

[Dick] Here's what you do.

For Nick Cannon to come on the road, man.

it's showing a lot of young kids that, you feel me?

You ain't got to be a superstar. You ain't gotta--

you know what I'm saying? You can come to the hood

and still do things, you can look out for--

Out here in Houston with the one and only Nick Cannon.

- [Nick] Making it happen. - [man] Big fan of yours.

I'm a big fan of yours, man.

Everything you do for the communities.

- Beautiful. - Thank you so much.

See, I tell people, "Don't ever say you going to work."

I'm going to make people happy.

That's all. Work is a negative.

- Yeah. - That's what the slaves did.

- [Dick] Huh? - [Nick] Yeah.

[Dick] Now here's what you do.

I--I stand on club every night, in the theater,

"Let me tell you niggas something."

They told you, "Don't use the word nigga."

- The N-word. - Right.

Wasn't one black person sitting in the room

when that decision was made.

Hmm? Did you hear me?

- Not one. - Y'all hear that?

Not one.

It's going down. See if Trump--you up in there?

We gonna holla at you.

We got some things we got to say.

- Well, I appreciate the advice. - Thank you.

And about to go-- go get to it.

- Just walk through it, man. - Yeah.

- Don't get scared. - Right.

- [Nick] Never scared. - [Dick] Never.

Stand Up, Don't Shoot. Let's get it.

Now, if they shoot your ass, then you should call me.

Make me--call, "Greg, the shit don't work."

[man] Give it up for Nick Cannon!

♪ It's time to tell the truth in the streets ♪

♪♪

[cheers and applause]

♪♪

LA, how y'all doing?

[cheers and applause]

Y'all good?

Y'all came out to see a brother too.

Y'all came all the way to the hood too, shit.

Looking fresh too. It--it's going down.

Oh, got a player in the front. I see.

He out here looking like No-dell Beckham.

I see you, boy.

He got all--oh, it's just all ladies in--and you!

Hey, hey, either you a pimp or a hair dresser.

One of 'em.

He's like, "Hey, nigga, I'm both.

I'm both. Shoot. All right.

Gots to fix 'em up before I dicks 'em up."

I understand. I see you. [laughs]

I see you. I see you.

Else we got here. You got...

How you doing, Officer? I see you.

You can always--I know the police when I see one.

Bald white man with glasses? He got--

That's an undercover cop body.

He got his chest all high and shit.

He's onto us. He's onto us.

Good to see you, Officer.

Oh, shit! We got Too $hort in the house, y'all.

- I see. - [cheering and applause]

The O...what's happening?

This a--this is a room full of pimps and players.

I see Mister--oh, shit.

This is a player's ball up in here tonight, y'all.

Tell 'em--go ahead, $hort. I know you doing your drinking.

Tell--what's your favorite word?

[all] Bitch!

Now that's real pimpin'!

He ain't even have to say it no more.

I asked him, he said...

Bitch!

He got other bitches saying his catchphrases for him.

Pimpin'. I learned from the best, y'all.

And I--I-- I apologize, white people.

We over here talking about bitches and players and stuff,

and you think this is "America's Got Talent."

Gon' be a little different tonight.

"America's Got Talent,"

but America's got niggas too, so...

And you staring at a real one on stage.

It's going down.

You know you thought you was gonna get the--

the tight suits with the shiny shoes.

Ah, shoot, not tonight. We off Crenshaw.

This the fuck you gonna get right here.

They ain't got that type budget down here.

But don't worry. Don't worry.

Y'all are safe. I got you.

I'm still "Friendly Nick."

Just give me a wink if you need anything.

The officer'll help you out.

Because, I mean-- and that's what it is.

I'ma use some different language than you're used

to seeing on "America's Got Talent."

You know, I mean, you gonna hear a few

"Niggas" sprinkled here throughout my show.

Matter of fact, that's what "NBC" gonna stand for tonight.

"Nigga Betta Come on." Shit.

'Cause Niggas Be Cussin'.

So Nigga, Be Careful.

'Cause y'all see me on the show, man.

Sometimes I wish I could say the stuff

that I really want to say that I be really thinking.

'Cause y'all see my face on "America's Got Talent."

Man...

Like, this next crazy motherfucker coming to the stage

gon' be juggling blindfolded with knives and shit.

So niggas, be careful.

But I can't say that. I can't talk like that.

'Cause that'd mess up the white money.

It will--shit, I almost fucked it up too, y'all.

On the finale, did y'all see that?

I wore a turban on that motherfucker.

Oh, yeah, it was all sparkly and shit.

We--we got all type of calls

and complaints and shit like that, y'all.

Like, why is Nick Cannon dressed like Blanche

from "The Golden Girls"?

Shit, it is my constitutional right

to dress like an old white lady if I want to.

Shit.

Tell you. And ma'am? Ma'am, what's your name?

Tree? Tr--your--

Treat?

Treat sound like a freak. I like that.

Hey--hey--hey, you know I likes 'em older, Treat.

You know--trick or Treat. Don't play with me!

Don't--don't play--don't...

[cheers and applause]

I...

Oh, shit.

I done kissed an old white lady on the mouth on TV.

She put some tongue in there too, girl, you...

I see what you're talking about, Treat.

We about to be off the hook tonight, y'all.

Telling you, y'all. 'Cause it's--

That's what I love too, the forums like this

where we can just laugh and just talk it up,

'cause I--ain't shit off-limits.

And I know what y'all thinking. It's--it's a--

it's a few different Nick Cannons that you can get.

You know what I mean? I just-- I'ma just be honest.

You know, 'cause we switch it all the way up.

You know, like this--this-- this is a different

Nick Cannon, you know? So--it is.

Like, sometimes you--you can get the "Drumline" Nick Cannon.

Get the "Wild 'N Out" Nick Cannon.

Yeah, you get the activist Nick Cannon.

You get the rapper Nick Cannon.

Fuck is y'all laughing at? That ain't the joke!

Y'all gonna respect me in here tonight!

I got hits! ♪ Gigolo

Y'all know the shit I'm talking about.

Because times has changed, and you got to switch it up, y'all.

Look, y'all, I'm like an action figure: I do it all.

I come with accessories.

Baby mama sold separately.

[laughing]

Times is changing.

Shoot, Trump in office.

Shoot, you might--you might have to switch that shit up.

I might have to go from "America's Got Talent"

to "America's Most Wanted" in this motherfucker.

Come on, Treat. Get your ass in the car.

He was so friendly!

What happened?

No, 'cause-- and I--I said that.

Did you--I said, "Trump in office," and...

You heard the white people in the back--"Whoo!"

White people bold as shit

now that Trump in office, ain't they?

Embrace that bold shit. I don't care.

Shit, yeah, hell, yeah.

Be proud of that shit. Oh, so what?

They just--but they just done got a little too rude now.

They used to say "Excuse me" and shit.

They're like, "Move, boy, we're back!

We're back! Fuck yeah! We're back!

Fuck yeah! Feelin' great! Great again! Fuck yeah!"

They just-- they just be using words

we don't even use no more, like, "Scram, boy, we're back!

Scram!"

Ask 'em how you doing-- hey, sir, how you doing?

"I'm great! Again."

Embrace that shit.

Damn right. You better embrace that shit.

Because the same country that elected Donald Trump

elected Barack Obama, so I'm proud to be an American.

Absolutely.

Shit, 'cause black people?

Y'all know when Obama got elected,

we was partying like a motherfucker, weren't we?

There was "Soul Train" lines and shit.

Obama waffles. Seriously.

Obama waffles.

We was doing that shit.

So hey, shit, white people, y'all party, celebrate.

Do y'all shit.

What's that new shit y'all be doing?

Fuck yeah!

We're back!

Like, y'all just got to get y'all food.

What's a white food?

Fuck it, truffles. Trump truffle!

Fuck yeah! We're back!

Trump truffles.

Enjoy that shit.

Celebrate your president. Do all that. Shit.

But keep that shit in y'all own neighborhoods.

Right?

Don't let your president get you fucked up.

Come around here if you want to.

All that Trump truffles shit'll work real good

up in Hollywood.

You take that shit to Inglewood...

It's a different story.

Y'all go down the street over there to Roscoe's?

Do it if you want to.

Move! Scram! Get out the way with your chicken.

Let me get two Trump--

Did--did we get the truffles?

But we got to laugh about it, y'all.

That's all we can do. Embrace it.

Talk about it, have these type of conversations, right?

Shoot, Barack Obama embraced it.

Y'all saw that. First day. First day the election happened.

What Barack do? He invited Trump over to the house.

You saw that. But he held it down, didn't he?

Yeah, you saw. He got over there.

Man, he put a statue right-- of Martin Luther King--

right behind Donald Trump, you saw that?

Just to let you know some niggas was here.

You in a black man's house.

Yo, I bet you--I bet you Obama just left

all type of black shit in the White House, right?

Be old "Jet" magazines in the bathroom.

Trump gonna be sniffing the Beauty of the Week.

Like... [laughing]

Oh, Michelle Obama's hot combs gonna be on the stove.

Melania, she gonna-- she gonna find

some Magnum condoms up under the pillow.

Like, "Donald, what is this? It can't be yours.

It's way too big."

I ain't gonna lie, though.

Eight years the Obamas held it down.

I salute Barack Obama.

I miss him already.

Oh!

I didn't want to see him go, y'all.

And you know, think about that.

You got to leave a house that you've been

living in for eight years?

You--you can't just kick a nigga out like that!

You gonna need some sheriffs, some hearings,

some marshals.

You gonna just try to evict a black man?

Shoot, that's government housing.

But you know Barack a real nigga,

so you know he got a spare key, right?

You know he ain't give all them keys back.

Like, I got keys, keys, keys. You know what it is.

'Cause it's gonna be-- it's gonna be

one of them press conferences Donald Trump gonna be having,

and y'all just gonna see Barack Obama walk by

in his drawers in a do-rag,

like, "Go ahead, do your shit, nigga.

I'ma be in the kitchen making me a sandwich and shit.

Who the fuck put all this mayonnaise

in this motherfucker?

Nah, nigga, go ahead. Do your shit, man.

I've been there, done that shit, man, shit.

No, I'm doing--hey, nigga, we went from Obamacare

to 'Obama don't care,' nigga."

Secret Service gonna have to escort

Barack Obama out the White House.

That's when the real nigga really gonna come out, right?

He'll be, "Oh, oh! Oh, it's like that?

It's like that, Larry? Oh, okay.

Nigga, I'm the one that go you this job!

Fuck off me, Steve! Okay, y'all gonna gang up on me.

Okay, okay, all them damn loose cigarettes I gave y'all?

Okay! Nah, it's all good.

I leave. I leave.

But I'll be back.

Michelle 2020, nigga."

Barack, that's a real nigga right there.

And I always like to do this in my shows,

just to see who's-- who's in the audience.

You know, take a little census.

Where all my real niggas at? Make some noise.

[cheers and applause]

Trick question. Security. Where--what they doing?

Officer. [laughing]

Do your job.

Nah--you know what? I am--I just--

it's a trick question when you ask where real niggas at,

'cause $hort know, first of all,

real niggas don't raise they hand.

Unless they get pulled over by the police.

Then you better raise your hand.

Make sure them shits is visible.

Damn right.

Shit, what are we gonna do about the police situation

and get--you know what? Fuck it. You know what?

I'ma just start driving handcuffed.

Fuck it. Just...

Whoo whoo, you got me, nigga. I'm down, nigga. I'm down.

I don't resist. I assist.

Just tryin' to make America great again.

Shit. But I think I can.

I--I could fix it. I got the idea.

I know how we can fix the police problem, man.

It's simple: all they got to do is let us police ourselves.

Autonomously.

They do that all over the world, in different countries.

If you just let us police ourselves, because

right now, they got people policing us

that have never been to our community.

Know nothing about us. They don't care about us.

We got people who don't care, don't give a damn about you,

overseeing you?

Shit, that's like Ike Turner running a women's shelter.

Somebody bound to get they ass whooped.

Like, "Eat the cake, bitch!" "I thought this was

supposed to be a safe place!"

Can't have that!

You got to have people who care about you,

who know the community, you know what I mean?

Who from the community.

People who know us better than we know ourselves.

You know who they should let be the police?

Baby mamas.

Shit, I got a couple of them. Shit, they...

You know how the--shit, they some investigators

for your ass, ain't they?

Ain't they? Like, could you imagine

if the BMPD rolled in your spot?

It'd be like, "Everybody, get on the ground,

put down the drugs, and spend some time with your son."

Like, shit, I didn't know it was my weekend.

Officer Carey.

You got it. We shooting tonight. I told you.

We talkin' about everything.

Shit, 'cause real niggas know about that visitation.

Shoot, y'all know. $hort, how many kids you got?

He's like, "Nigga, we on TV.

You talkin' about in state?"

[laughing]

Nah, but you--you do.

Real niggas, we just go through real nigga stuff.

Like, and--and it makes you-- it makes you stronger.

You know what I'm saying? Like, I'ma be honest.

I'm a real nigga.

Fuck y'all laughing at?

I am!

I'm a real nigga.

Till some real niggas show up.

I'm a real-- I'm like a substitute nigga.

Here, I was just keeping your real nigga spot warm.

Go ahead and do your real nigga shit.

'Cause I'ma be honest. I'ma be dead--

real niggas, they intimidate me.

Just be like--y'all know I'm talking--them just straight--

just real, real niggas?

Like, you--you can smell a real nigga when he walk in the room.

It smell like Hennessy, weed, and back child support.

It just...

What is that, struggle?

By Mennen. [laughing]

No!

But I'ma--I think this is what happened to my life.

Because, you know, I grew up like a real nigga,

all that stuff, but I honestly believe

once I started doing "America's Got Talent,"

they took my real nigga card.

They did, because then, like these type of people

started showing up to my shows.

And I--hey!

Treat, I love it. We gonna kiss later.

I appreciate that, but I just-- it's just--I--

I grew up with real niggas. I kept real niggas all--

but I can't do the real nigga stuff no more.

'Cause then they'll put me on TMZ.

But I figured out a way around it.

You know what?

I just keep real niggas around me.

And that's how you get-- that's how you get rid

of all of that Hollywood shit, you stay grounded.

You stay real, you keep some real niggas around you.

Like my man $hort.

All that--you got to!

It's like, they block out all the bullshit!

It's like a real nigga force field.

Like, I got you, nigga. I got you.

Nah, 'cause it's just certain things, you know,

'cause of "America's Got Talent."

Hey, America! I got...

They don't expect me to do, but I just--

it's certain things I want to do,

but I can't.

But my real niggas can.

Real, like we gon' keep it all the way honest.

We gonna put it out there.

Where all my weed smokers at?

Anybody smoking? Anybody?

I know the police here. Medicinally. Medicinally.

I--I got a prescription. Glaucoma, Officer.

But that shit, it's legal now, though, right?

We--we good? Legal-ish. Ish.

See that--I feel like that's the setup too.

They be like, "Not over here, nigger, get in the car."

But no, I do. I'ma put it all out there.

Yes. I smoke weed.

[cheers and applause]

But I don't know how to roll a blunt.

But my real niggas do.

[laughing]

And that's a talent right there.

They should put them on the show.

Shit, for real. Shoot, a real nigga?

He know how to roll a blunt one-handed, riding a bicycle,

in a snowstorm, like...

I got you, my nigga.

I got you.

[sighs]

I don't carry a gun on me.

But my real niggas do.

But see, the problem, the real niggas I roll with,

they just carry the gun at all the inopportune times.

Just wrong places, wrong times.

I'll be out hanging out with my kids,

like, "Nigga, we are at Chuck E. Cheese!"

Like, "Hey, Nigga, Chuck E. be trippin', nigga, trust.

Get your tokens, nigga, we gon' get out of here

one way or another.

Shit. I don't do time.

But my real niggas do.

And they doing time like a mofo. Shit, I can't do that.

Nah, that's what I got my white friends for.

Treat and all them, them's some good

alibis and character witnesses.

"He's so friendly!"

Fuck that. I can't do that.

'Cause now time is too-- I don't even have enough

time to go visit all my niggas that's locked up.

Shit, because all these privatized prisons

and all that shit, they giving niggas football numbers

for bullshit, for real.

Like, I went to visit one of my friends the other day.

Say, man, what they got you in here for?

"Oh, some old bullshit.

Ain't nobody tell me you couldn't carry

a gun up at Chuck E. Cheese."

Like, nigga, I did!

Shit.

You knew Chucky was gon' rat.

[laughing]

I don't eat vagina.

But I'm bullshittin'!

I'm bullshittin', Treat!

'Cause I'm a real nigga!

Treat was like, "Oh, you don't?

I thought you was a real nigga!"

I am. Damn right I eat vagina.

Shit, all the minerals and vitamins and all...

nutrients, and that's where life come from.

Shit, eating coochie cured my lupus.

That's the nighttime, sneezy, stuffy head, fever,

so you can get some rest medicine, shit.

I got me a pussy prescription.

Right next to my weed prescription.

'Cause you know all a real nigga need

is some pussy and some weed.

$hort know!

Bitch!

She said, "That's real."

Grandmama said, "That's real."

Somebody eating your coochie, Grandma?

Hey, do--hey! I ain't mad at you!

She's like, "Hey, older the berry, the sweeter the juice."

I heard that. That's--hey, ain't nothing--

'cause nowadays, shit--

she said, "That's how you keep 'em"?

Look at that shit!

Look at--look at 'em, look at 'em, look at 'em!

They--they gave each other

an old pussy high five!

I don't know about this old pussy.

Hey, I love--hey, I love it. You got to.

Shit, 'cause women, that's they--it's empowerment now.

They want you to do all type of shit now.

Eat the booty like groceries.

Bitch, I need to know what's in the bag.

Shit, clean up in aisle six, shit.

And I'ma--I'ma be honest, I got to keep up with the times.

Shit, 'cause I'm single again, I'm single, so I--

oh, hey, shit, I'm trying to find somebody

to spend this alimony on, shit.

Hey, for real, shit, 'cause I'm looking everywhere too.

I got to, 'cause I don't even know if y'all know,

I enrolled back in college, shit, y'all,

I'm out there, Howard University, HU.

Real shit.

Y'all thought I was going for an education.

I was looking for a situation.

Shit.

Nah, 'cause--and do we have any college girls in here tonight?

College girls? Oh. Whoa. Oh, shit. Hey.

Let me put something on your books, baby.

Financial aid. Hey.

Call me Mr. Tuition. Shit.

We can get it pop--but I don't know, 'cause

college girls, y'all might be-- young girls,

y'all doing too much nowadays.

I ain't ready for it. 'Cause it's different.

'Cause, like, the first time I was single,

it was a little easier, y'all.

Now, I'm confused out here single again.

Like, even in the nightclubs and shit.

I don't even know what to do no more, 'cause like,

early 2000s, first time I was single,

like we was--we was even dancing different, y'all.

Like dudes, we was dancing like dudes.

We was tough. We was doing this shit here.

Shit, the west coast, you might do some shit like this.

Right?

You see the thugs in the club today?

You see when a gangsta song come on?

He be like...

Juju on that beat.

Like, nigga, you gonna drop your gun Jujuing on the beat.

'Cause fellas, y'all remember.

Shit, we--we didn't even dance in the club.

Remember, we just stand back on the wall,

chill, and let our girl dance, remember that?

Now the roles have been reversed.

The girls standing on the wall, talking about,

"Look at my nigga. Look at my nigga."

Hey, somebody get this nigga a drink.

He killin' this shit.

Ooh.

You call him Stephanie.

But fellas, if we gon' be out here dating,

we gon' be out-- we got to stand up--we got to--

we got to be a little more masculine with our shit.

We do.

We got niggas out here taking selfies.

What the-- and since we all family,

we talkin' 'bout everything tonight, right?

When--ho, I don't know when this shit started,

but I do not subscribe to it.

Dick pics.

You see how awkward it got in this motherfucker?

When did this shit start?

See, but watch this, we gonna take a little test.

Watch this: all the fellas

sending dick pics, make some noise.

[man] Hey!

[cheers and applause]

One brave, lonely Trump supporter.

He's like, "Damn right,

send it out on election night. Dick!"

I--hey, I salute-- that's fucked up.

Y'all gonna let my man be out there all by himself?

Watch this--it's okay, it's okay, 'cause watch this.

All the ladies that have ever received a dick pic,

make some noise.

[cheers and applause]

That's somebody dick!

Whose dick is this?

It can't be lonely Billy-Bob up there.

See--did you see--I-- I'm telling you, see,

that's--hey, sir,

you are way more brave than me.

You stood up, you said your dick was out there.

I'ma be honest, we all family in here tonight,

I just got to tell y'all the truth.

My dick is not photogenic.

I--hey, I got an in-person penis.

I got some shit I got to explain.

It hang to the left 'cause I slammed it

in the door when I was 12.

Don't mind that bump, baby. Turn off the light.

Stop judging me.

Shit, she like, "Ugh.

Nick Cannon got a--ugh, you got STDs?

Keep that alimony, nigga. I don't want that."

It was a joke!

I ain't got no bumps on my dick.

Shit, we can have a meet and greet after the show.

I'll prove it to you. You can greet the meat.

[laughing]

'Cause I don't--I don't do no dick pics.

Shoot, I do dick drop-off.

Dick delivery, right to your doorstep.

Ding-dong.

'Cause I--'cause dick pics-- I don't get it.

That--you take the wrong dick pic,

and that shit'll fuck up your career.

Think about it: you be like, end up a meme

out there, motherfucker.

Be on the mannequin challenge with your dick out, like...

Nah, I can't do that, and it's all about the angles too.

I can't even mess--yo, hear what you say, "Yup"?

He's like, "Yeah, you got to start two inches

from the balls, get you an extra two inches from the top."

Well, see, I didn't know that.

And it can mess-- man, I tell you,

it can ruin your whole shit.

Happened to one of my friends.

Usher.

Y'all saw the shit. Ooh, shit. Y'all saw that shit.

And--and it wasn't even about Usher's manhood,

'cause they covered that up with one of them

little yellow emojis.

It was the angry emoji too, like, why you got me

on your dick like this?

Get me off the dick.

But they covered Usher's whole situation up.

And--but from the angle,

did y'all see Usher's legs in this picture?

Oh, man, he had them little Kermit the Frog joints.

Apparently, Usher done danced his little legs off.

'Cause he had the "Boyz n the Hood,"

paraplegic, drive-by legs.

Oh, my ass, he had the Tiny Tim joints, y'all.

And--and I felt so bad for my friend Usher too,

'cause that's my friend!

And not only is he a friend,

I'm a fan of Usher.

I am, so it broke my heart, because

I'm such a fan 'cause Usher is probably

one of the only few R&B artists still working today

that still makes great, solid, meaningful music.

Right? His stuff is respectful.

Got substance to it.

So--so respectful, Usher'll let you know

what time he coming over in the song, won't he?

You know how it goes. Sing with me.

♪ It's seven o'clock, on the dot ♪

♪ I'm in my drop top, cruising the streets ♪

Bang, bang, bang, bang.

Little legs. Just flailing.

♪ I got a real, pretty, pretty little thing that's ♪

[all] ♪ Waiting for me

Uh! ♪ I roll up

Get your legs together, Usher.

But that was real music. That's the stuff we came up on.

Not this stuff that they singing today.

With the mus--these kids, they don't give a damn.

They don't care. Shoot, just like--one of--oh.

This my little brother, I love him,

but shit, Chris Brown?

This nigga don't give a shit.

He will sing about anything in a song.

You heard one of his latest songs?

This is the real hook to his song.

No joke, the chorus goes just like this.

♪ I want to fuck you back to sleep, girl ♪

You want to fuck her back to sleep?

You want to fuck her unconscious, Chris?

Nigga, don't you got enough problems?

There's news helicopters and police outside your house.

Somebody better wake up and answer the God damn door.

You want to fuck her back to sleep.

Fuck her unconscious?

Like, who are you gonna put on the remix?

Bill Cosby?

♪ Oh, there's something in this liquor ♪

Hey, we shooting tonight, y'all. Telling you.

We--hey, shit, y'all know Dr. Huxtable ain't shit.

Y'all know--hey, he been-- he been trying to tell y'all

he wasn't shit the whole time.

If you ever watched "The Cosby Show," he gave you

them little messages, he was telling y'all the whole time.

Y'all just didn't realize it 'cause y'all was hypnotized

by them fuckin' sweaters.

No, it was subliminal shit. You had to pay attention.

Like, think about it. What was his occupation?

Doc--what kind of doctor?

A gynecologist.

Where was his office?

In his basement!

In a Brooklyn basement!

You know don't shit good go down in a Brooklyn basement.

Shit, Biggie Smalls told us that.

Think about it. Like, let me find out that

Bill Cosby was ghostwriting for Biggie.

He's like, "Your daughter's tied up

in a Brooklyn basement, face it, not guilty."

♪ Biggie, Biggie, Biggie

Dude, that's the Notorious B.I.L. right there.

He wrote all that shit.

"To all the ladies in the place with style and grace,

allow me to lace...

these lyrical duches in your bushes."

Oh, y'all ain't shit for laughing at that.

But no, that's--that's what these forums are about, y'all.

We can come in here and talk about controversial stuff,

stuff that puts people on edge,

and laugh, and have a good time, right?

Look at us in here, we all in here enjoying each other.

White, black--in the hood.

Sitting next--Mexican, Chinese-- everybody in here!

Ain't nobody protesting. None of that.

We in here enj--this is what America looks like, y'all.

This is it. Yeah!

For real, y'all, 'cause I-- honestly, I wish we could

get over all of that white, black shit.

I've been doing this shit way too long.

White people do this, black-- man, fuck all that.

That ain't even our skin color. That ain't even what we are.

Shit, I'm more like a peanut butter.

Old Kentucky-fried negro.

No, it's true because we-- we got all of this stuff, man,

and we--if we just get a little bit more descriptive

with our skin tones, I think it'd move things

so much further.

Like, Treat,

you ain't white.

You more like an off-pink.

You--it is.

And the--and--and--but society wants you to choose

either white or black, white or black.

You can't do that. But that's how they control you.

They want to separate us so they can control you the entire time.

And it's society--watch, I'll show it to you, watch.

This is very ironic. The--the fuckin'

Crayola box got 64 colors, a job application got three.

Ain't that some bullshit?

That's society.

See, if--if it was up to me, you know what I would do?

I would make sure that we were just a little bit

more descriptive with our-- with our skin tone descriptions.

Like, it should be like when you go shopping

for paint at Home Depot.

You ever see them paint descriptions?

Them shits be eloquent as hell, don't they?

Be all fancy and shit, like, just try it out, uh...

Sir, you not white.

You more like a eggshell alabaster.

That sounds better than white, right?

You got, you got a...

a mocha brother sitting next to you.

You got, uh, uh, some Irish cream right here.

You know what I mean? Sure, we got, uh,

Latina leche, hey.

See that? We got--we got-- we got some--

what else we got over here? I see--

We got, uh-- white dude in the back.

Shit, um, you more like drywall.

Man, they ain't even painted you yet.

You primer, base color.

Don't believe the rumors. White people need lotion too.

Shit.

Couple dudes over there sitting together

with each other, fuchsia, hey, I understand.

Just different colors. I see. I love all the colors.

Some oriental ivory over there.

I love--I love it all.

Shoot, and my man right here.

He got a little Taliban tan.

That's...

It's explosive. [laughing]

But shit, what else we got? Shit.

We got--ooh, shit, now, then you just black.

Damn, I didn't even see-- shit--

smile, nigga, so everybody can see you.

That--but see, that's a-- that's a beautiful black.

That's that strong--yeah, that's that strong black.

Yeah, he know. Yeah, that's that beautiful...

Sir.

Shit, I bet you get a part-time job

following niggas around as they shadow, huh?

Like, I got you, nigga. I got you. Just stay...

Keep walking.

That's black is beautiful. I love that black. Shit.

Black lives matter.

So nigga, you really important.

See, think about that: we can say that,

and everybody cracks up and laughs.

But see, when we said "Black lives matter,"

we made that statement,

and it divided the entire country,

when it was supposed to bring us all closer together,

over a little misunderstanding.

That's--that's all it was, because what?

Every time we said, "Black lives matter,"

what'd somebody else say? [man] All lives matter!

All lives--motherfucker, we wasn't even talking to you!

Always want to be included in some shit!

"All lives matter!"

'Cause it wasn't like we were saying

only black lives matter.

We're just saying black lives matter too.

It's simple!

Very simple.

And I had a great conversation

with one of my close friends, Howard Stern.

He got it. He got it. Everybody else didn't get it,

but Howard didn't get it, and I think after our conversation--

I explained it. I had to put it in Caucasian.

I did, but it was real simple. I said, it's like,

when y'all say, "Save the whales,"

that don't mean "fuck all the other fish in the ocean!"

It just mean the whales need saving.

They are endangered.

Just like niggas.

So there y'all go, y'all. There it is.

You can--you can take something home with you.

You done learned something at the Nick Cannon show.

Whales are the niggas of the ocean.

That's why they call 'em killers.

Yeah. Hey, for real. They documented the shit.

They made a documentary about the nigga whales.

They did. On CNN. Y'all saw. What was it called?

"Blackfish." Exactly!

I ain't making this shit up!

Did you--did you see black-- "Blackfish."

And I'ma be honest: after I saw this documentary on CNN,

I would never, ever, ever go to another

SeaWorld or any other place like that again,

because of the way they mistreat these animals.

They keep 'em in captivity they whole life.

They brainwash 'em, keep 'em in these little containers.

It's horrible, and--and if you saw the documentary,

it stars, uh, a whale by the name of Tilikum.

But you know, I had to give him a black name.

So I called him O.G. Tilla the Killa.

And--and it starts off, if you've seen this,

they put him in this prison-- I mean, SeaWorld.

Up--up in Canada.

And he has a white trainer, young lady,

and she loves him, she's riding on him,

kissing him in the mouth. "Ah!"

And he ate her!

She start clapping.

"Damn right, the bitch should have got ate."

No, that's--and this-- and we'll take a--

a small public service announcement just for a second.

White people, why the fuck y'all think y'all can ride

on killer whales and not get ate the fuck up?

It's called a killer whale!

I know some niggas named Killer in my neighborhood.

You don't want no piggyback rides from them.

You want to ride a killer whale,

but won't get a ride from Killer Mike.

That's some bullshit.

And--and I know some white people, y'all getting

a little uncomfortable when I say "White people."

When I say "White people,"

I'm not talkin' about y'all.

Y'all my friends.

When I say "White people," I'm talking about

the people who run everything.

You know, them--the Rothschilds, the Bilderberg Group.

Them people who control everything.

White. It's like an acronym.

When Having Inheritance To Everything.

You know who I'm talking about, when they came over here

400 years ago and just claiming everything.

That's mine. That's mine. He's mine. He's mine.

I have the receipt. Come on, Shadow, follow me.

Them white people. That's who I'm talking about.

'Cause I'm talking-- 'cause the great James Baldwin

said it the best: he said,

"White is just society's metaphor

for systemic power."

So I'm not talking about white the people.

I'm talking about white the power.

So you ain't got no power. Shit.

You just an old eggshell alabaster nigga.

We in this shit together!

My nigga right there! Shit!

Say, "Fuck them white people!"

Fuck them white people!

[cheers and applause]

Somebody get this nigga some Hennessy!

Get him some Hennessy!

Yo, that's what I'm talking about, my nigga!

We going to the strip club after this, shit.

So back to the nigga whales.

So no, this is how the story goes.

He ate his trainer, so they shipped him

down to another pris-- SeaWorld.

In Orlando this time.

And this time, you know, he trying to get

some time knocked off, he be on his best behavior,

swimming around, working out, doing push-ups and shit.

You know what I mean? Reading the Quran.

Trying to get knowledge of self.

Making collect calls to the ocean.

Trying to keep niggas off his blowhole.

You know, right?

Go ahead with the bullshit, Moby.

But he--and if you saw the documentary,

this is no joke, this is exactly how it happened.

Late one night,

a drunk, naked white man

jumps in the aquarium

with O.G. Tilla the Killa.

That sound like a setup for your ass, don't it?

Man, and you know, they-- they had to process him.

They had to put O.G. Tilla the Killa in court

and all that shit-- you know, my--

my imagination just took off.

You could see him trying to explain his self to the judge.

This some bullshit, your honor!

This--oh, oh, oh, but you let Willy go!

You let Willy go!

You got me on these trumped-up charges,

but you free Willy, this some bullshit!

I didn't do shit! So you got--

you gonna let a drunk nigga, white man jump--

I thought it was feed time!

Shit, thought he was Albuquerque tuna.

Albuquerque.

Al-bu-querque.

I know it's albacore, motherfucker,

but this nigga was from Albuquerque.

White people always want to correct you on some shit.

[stammers] Albacore.

Don't mean to interrupt the show, Nick Cannon.

Just trying to make America great again.

He's a comic, he's not as smart as he thinks he is.

Now what fucking--always want to correct you on some shit.

Don't they? That's some bullshit.

"Uh, uh, hold on, wait a minute, Nick Cannon.

That's an illegal left turn."

Bitch, this ain't even my car!

Stole this shit.

But see, the media always want to jump in and correct you.

Wait a minute, you can't-- no, wait a minute.

Like when we was doing all the Black Lives Matter stuff.

Wait a minute, no, what about black on black crime?

Exactly.

Black on black crime-- ain't that some shit?

That's some old separating,

just trying to divide us,

bullshit term they done made up.

There is no such thing as black on black crime.

You commit crimes in which the areas that you cohabitate.

You have conflicts in where you live.

It's just like if you over there in China.

When they over there in China fighting,

you don't call that shit Chinese on Chinese crime.

You call that shit a good-ass Kung Fu movie, shit.

[imitating impacts]

My shit right there.

[laughs]

But that's--they just use these terms to separate us.

It's the media. It happens all the time.

When you think-- when you think about it, like,

y'all saw it, Michelle Obama gave such

an amazing speech, y'all.

She said some powerful stuff.

She said, "I was blessed enough

to live in a house that was built by slaves."

But the media: "Wait a minute!"

Hold on, Bill O'Reilly actually said this shit.

"But we fed them!"

What? You fed-- of course you fed 'em!

Shit, you got to put gas in a car

for the motherfucker to run!

And we out here building mansions.

The least you could do is give a nigga a Scooby Snack.

Shit, a Capri Sun. Something.

Stab your ass with this straw.

Shit, we out there working our ass off.

Let a nigga get a slave Lunchable or something, shit.

An un-happy meal out this motherfucker.

"But we fed them!"

You fed them. Yeah, you fed 'em.

But did you feed 'em freedom?

Yeah.

That's what we've been starving for to this day.

Y'all know what we talking about,

but they gave us the scraps to survive off of.

That's all we--hey, that's all we wanted was some freedom,

but y'all gave us all this little nasty junk food.

These nigga nachos.

Nigga, that's not yours.

Nigga, that's not yours. That's not yours.

It's mine!

But no, y'all know the ingredients

we've been asking for for over 400 years.

Y'all know the recipe. Come on, somebody.

- Church say amen in here. - [all] Amen!

Shoot, all we want is a little inch of equality, ha!

Two cups of justice.

A little ounce of opportunity!

Mmm-mmm, sounds like some freedom pot pie to me, church!

The white people are like, "What the fuck is going on?"

Honestly, it's a beautiful thing that we can come in here

and discuss all of these things.

And--and know that it doesn't have to be about

separating communities.

We can bring you close together because

this is the purpose-- there's only one race,

and that's the human race, y'all.

Simple.

It's simple.

And you know when I figured it out?

I'ma be honest, you know when I figured out?

When I had kids. When I first had kids.

Because I had my children, and I would see--

I would take them to the nursery and everything,

and I would just see all of these different kids,

just--just crawling, and playing, and eating,

and pissing and shitting on each other.

They--they didn't care!

They didn't know the different races or none of that shit.

They were just having fun, having a good time.

But when we take them home,

and instill our bullshit in 'em, and tell 'em, oh,

if you live over here, you're better than

those people over here.

If your hair looks this way,

if your eye color is this way, then you're be--

no, we got to let that bullshit go, y'all.

And then that's when I honestly realized.

I said, you know what? I got--I got one job.

It's to show my children unconditional love.

That's all it is.

All I want to do is establish normalcy.

I just want my kids to have a fair shot.

Just want to be normal kids.

And that shit is hard as hell

when Mariah Carey is your mama.

For real, y'all know what I'm talking about.

Be fuckin' diamonds, and butterflies,

and gumdrops and shit floating all through the house.

Like, put the damn butterflies away now, shit, it's bedtime!

Shit! Butterflies and shit!

I'ma go get me some Raid and a net.

Put the shit away!

Fucking butterflies everywhere.

I want normal kids, y'all.

Shit--but no--but see, 'cause I'ma be honest, y'all.

I'm a little tense because my kids grew up with stuff

that I just didn't have.

They got shit like nannies.

I didn't have a daddy!

You mean it's gonna be a extra motherfucker coming over?

My mama did this shit on her own.

But--and it is, man, and I make fun of 'em,

but I'ma be honest, I do, I love our nanny.

Our nanny is amazing. Consuelo, bless her heart.

She is... What you laughing at?

That's--that's her name. Consuelo.

And she's--Consuelo is amazing. Her whole family.

Like, my kids go and play with their family,

and they have a good time, and they come home,

and sometimes I even be getting a little jealous,

'cause they spend so much time with the nanny,

and you know, my kids' about to turn six years old,

so they're real impressionable.

So they like sponges. They picking up everything.

They be over with Consuelo and them,

and this--this really happened.

The other day, my son--I know he broke the refrigerator.

He broke the refrigerator, I was like, "Rocc!

Get in here, man! Who broke this refrigerator!"

He came in, he was like, "Don't worry, Daddy, I fix for you.

Give me two--two minutes, Daddy. Two minutes.

One probably. I fix for you, Daddy, no problem.

I got it for you." This nigga had a big-ass

tape measure and shit.

"Two minutes."

Had keys and shit.

Nigga want to take field trips to Home Depot and shit.

"Give me two eggshell alabasters."

Nigga jumping out of the car at the stoplight,

selling oranges and shit-- get your ass back in the car!

You ain't going over to Consuelo house no more.

He's been picking up all type of shit.

And black people, it's the same way, 'cause you know,

holidays just passed, all of that stuff.

When we get together, black folks, what do we do?

We entertain each other in the family, right?

We got to dance for company and all that stuff, right?

You do the Electric Slide. Obama waffles, you know?

We do that. They show off.

And my daughter's talented.

So the family was over, I was like, "Go on, Monroe.

Get out there, show 'em what you been doing."

She's like, ♪ Suavemente

♪ Bésame

Sit your ass down!

This ain't no damn quinceañera!

Take off the fucking wedding dress!

It's--but they--they pick shit up, you know?

They honestly do, and you know what they pick up the most?

And I realize this, and anybody in here with kids,

they understand, they pick up fear.

Fear is taught. You ever notice that?

Like if you see your kid fall,

and you don't pay no attention to it,

they'll get right back up.

But if they fall and they see you react,

they start crying, 'cause they see you scared,

so therefore, they get scared.

And that's when I realized, I was like, yo,

I got to check the way that I react around my kids.

I can't let 'em know that I'm scared.

Because I'm--I'ma share something with y'all,

and this is the honest to God truth.

This is when I realized it.

This is a true story.

For their second birthday,

we went all the way

to an Australian zoo.

Some Mariah Carey shit.

All my birthday parties be at McDonald's.

With the bootleg Ronald McDonald.

Ronaldo?

The keg of orange Hi-C.

Un-happy meals, that's my shit.

But I went along with this.

I did, I went along with it 'cause I was interested.

Shit, I'll go to Australia.

'Cause I'm used to shit in American zoos,

like cages.

Like, 'cause hey, for real, like, if you go to Australia,

it's wild--it's the outback for your ass.

They be out there. And--and--you know--

I'ma paint the picture for you 'cause this is how

it happened, y'all, so they put you

in this little choo-choo train.

And this--you know, my son is in my lap.

He got on a birthday hat. I got on a birthday hat.

Mariah had my daughter in her lap, birthday hat,

butterflies and shit-- y'all get the picture.

So we in the choo-choo train, and we see a sign

that says kangaroos to the left.

I'm like, shit, I want to see some kangaroos.

Yo, that choo-choo train busted a left,

and we got surrounded by like 200 kangaroos!

We pulled up in a kanga-hood!

Oh, and they was just chilling on the block

like Puerto Ricans too.

They was doing pull-ups on the trees.

Slap boxing, smoking Newports.

Fixing old Oldsmobiles.

Drinking 40 ounces of Foster's beer.

They saw us, they start throwing up

kang signs and shit.

Niggas start kang-banging on me and shit.

And... I am not gonna lie.

I was terrified.

Scared--I have never been this scared in my life.

But this is how it actually happened.

My son--fearless--

leaps out of my lap and heads

straight for the kangaroos!

I'm like, "No!"

[clicking] Nigga, you on your own.

Mm-mm!

Shit.

I can protect you from humans, but I don't do marsupials.

Mm-mm!

Uh-uh, nigga. Mm.

I'll make another one.

For real, 'cause that's how scared I was!

I wasn't going nowhere!

But everybody else in the choo-choo train,

they just jumped out and followed.

Mariah, my daugh--everybody.

And they was all over there, just with the kangaroos,

playing, having fun, taking selfies and shit.

One took a dick pic. I was like, "What the fuck?"

They was enjoying, and-- and guess where my ass was.

In that God damn choo-choo train!

Reflecting.

And I was sitting there because, you know,

I looked out and saw that sea of white people,

and all those wild kangaroos,

and my bravely beige family.

And a couple of things just started going through my head.

First thing, I was like,

that got to be Mariah's white side of the family.

And the second thing was,

this shit ain't gonna last.

It's true, because it had nothing

to do with her, or them.

They was enjoying themselves.

They was having a great time.

It was all my insecurities that was bothering me

that was keeping me from hanging out with my family.

It was all my built-up shit, and black people,

y'all got to rock with me on this.

Y'all know, it's just--

it's just certain shit

we don't fuck with.

Right? Like black people,

we do not mess with nothing

that start with the letter K.

Y'all know what I'm talking 'bout!

Shit, just ask the Kardashians.

Oh, my ass.

NBA players make it in, but they don't make it out, shit.

Hey, it's three of them too. K, K, K.

Y'all know what I'm talking about.

Shoot, Kim, Khloe,

and Kanye.

We shootin' tonight, y'all!

No, but it's just-- it's just certain

K shit that we don't do, y'all.

We don't do no kangaroos.

I don't fuck with kanga--shit-- and I think

the kangaroos, they-- they even sensed it.

They did, 'cause I saw one kangaroo hop over to Mariah.

He was like...

"You know your husband's a bitch, right?

Hop in me pouch. Let's go."

He hopped off with my family.

So there you have it, Los Angeles.

You heard it from the horse's mouth.

That's why the divorce happened.

Mariah left me for an Australian kangaroo.

Now you ain't got to hear the shit on Wendy Williams.

With her big ass, shit.

What you mean, "Oh?" Like y'all just found out

Wendy was big!

Shit, Wendy been big!

I love how she wear that big shit!

Shit, y'all remember when Wendy used to play for the Jets.

Shit, she still be coming out on the show

with the shoulder pads and shit.

One, two, three, "How you doing?"

Wendy be wearing that big shit. I love that shit.

Shit, that's my man.

But I guess--that's funny, I guess the joke is kind of

on me, though, when you think about it, because

that whole Australian trip to the zoo?

All of that, that actually really happened.

Kangaroos and everything.

I--I fabricated a little bit at the end.

But Mariah's ass didn't.

Shit, she really left with an Australian.

But that kangaroo had a billion dollars.

I would've hopped off with his ass too, shit.

Like, nigga, when we goin' to the yacht? Shit.

But since we all family in here and we talking about it,

we in here talking about the shit, shit,

would you leave your significant other

for a billionaire?

Shit, somebody said, "Shit, hell, I'll leave the nigga

for a bus pass if it's going in the right direction.

Get my shit straight."

I heard a couple of no's, though.

Who said that they wouldn't leave?

You--you wouldn't-- that's--that's love.

Who--who would stay? Who would stay? You would stay?

Yo, shit, you--you adding stipulations to the shit.

But no, that's-- that's beautiful.

She said she would stay. Now, y'all give it up.

That's--that's love right there.

Queen, I appreciate that.

She--that's--she's rubbing on his leg and shit.

See, I know what it is. See, 'cause it has--

it has nothing to do with money, right?

You can get anybody with money.

But good dick is hard to find, ain't it?

Hey, she--she gave me the fist bump and everything.

Hey, dude, you putting it down. That's a real nigga right there.

See, look how she cheesin' all hard, shoot.

'Cause--hey-- 'cause it's simple.

'Cause you can get you a man with a good job.

But do he got good dick, though?

You can get you a man with some good credit.

But do he got good dick, though?

Shoot, you can get you a good Christian.

But do he got good dick, though?

Shoot, you could be a preacher in them streets,

but you better be a sinner in them sheets.

You know what I'm talkin' 'bout!

Shoot, 'cause so--lad--that's a lot of ladies in here tonight.

All together, y'all all got that one friend.

That got a man who ain't shit.

She always crying and complaining.

He ain't got no job!

He ain't got no car!

He ain't got no money!

But he got good dick, though.

That'll make 'em stay!

It will! Shoot, look, look. Just look.

Just--Treat moving all in her seat and shit.

She's like, "I know exactly what he talking 'bout."

It's the truth!

Because--and don't let it be the reverse.

Don't let it-- you can have everything.

Shoot, you could be Willy Wonka out there, motherfucker,

but if you ain't putting it down in the bedroom,

a woman will leave your ass fast as shit.

The sheets'll still be smoking, won't they?

If you are not pleasing a woman in the bedroom,

she gon' be out faster than Sonic the Hedgehog.

SEGA!

'Cause you have officially wasted her time.

And a real woman ain't got time to be wastin' time!

Shit, that's why Mariah

ain't with the billionaire now.

But me and her still cool.

'Cause I got good dick, though!

♪ hip-hop music

♪♪

[Nick] It's Ncredible!