All language subtitles for Mike.Epps.Under.Rated....Never.Faded.X-Rated.2009.1080p.WEBRip.x264.AAC-[YTS.MX]

[Audience cheering]

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[Beatboxing]

- If you're born and raised
in the D make some noise!

And give it up, from Hollywood
to the hood, for my brother Mike Epps.

[Upbeat music]

Alright, alright! Cabbage!
Cabbage patch!

Papa si! Papa si! Papa si!

Reebok!

- I'm fucking it up. I'm fucking it up.
- Stinky legs!

- Stinky legs! Stinky legs! Stinky legs!

Doug E. Fresh y'all, Doug E. Fresh!
[Audience cheering]

Big D, Doug E. Fresh.

Detroit, what's up! [Audience cheering]

Sit on down! Sit on down!

That *** Doug E. Fresh spit all over
my fucking forehead.

[Beatboxing] Goddamn Doug E!

One more time
for Doug E. Fresh y'all legendary.

That's legendary right there.

Man, y'all look good in the government
check out here tonight.

We in the D goddamn it in the D!

You will get slapped out this motherfucker.

You *** slap midgets, bitches.

Think we are in the D!

I smell gunpowder, money and cologne.

Ain't nothing but killers
and dealers out here.

I had to come to Detroit and do this.

This is where the Hitsville go down,
ain't it, in Hitsville, baby.

That's right, Hitsville.
Straight gangster shit around.

That's right, I went over on 7 mile.

That motherfucker need
lotion like a motherfucker.

West side! West side!

East side! East side!

Yeah, the police! The police!

You know they in here.
"I'm in here. I'm right here. I'm right here!"

Police always hit you with that, "aah!"

Goddamn, it's going down.

Y'all motherfuckers get y'all
hair done every day.

Oh, you bitches' toes be
fucked-up, but hair be whipped!

You be like, "man, she's cute."
Duh duh duh duh

Where's the toe budget at?

Goddamn, it's going down up in
this motherfucker right here.

Look at all the married men
can't do nothing tonight.

Married men just whispering to himself,

"Goddamn, why did i bring
her ass out tonight?

There's some motherfucking stars
in here tonight."

You know *** looking out
the corner of their eye

every five minutes, looking
like this every five minutes.

This is that one right here.

"... looking at the bitch for?"

"***, ain't nobody looking
at no bitch."

A man use any excuse to look at a girl.

"She look like your friend Denise."

"She don't look like
my motherfucking friend.

Look at the bitch again."

"You got a purse like that."

"Look at the bitch again.

I ain't got no motherfucking
purse like that."

Married men act totally different
when they by themselves, don't they?

You see them with their wife.
"What's up, Tony?"

"Hey, man, how's everything
going, brother?

Oh, just taking it easy,
hanging out with the old lady.

All right, god bless you.
Take it easy now.

All right."

Be like, "that *** ain't like that!"

You see him by himself. "What's up, Tony?"

"Hey, where's the bitches at, ***?!
Where's the bitch ass?"

"There your girl."
"Where? Where she at?

Where she at? She just pulled up?
She's outside?"

Every man in here is scared
of their fucking girl.

These motherfucking women are detectives.

Just when you think you've
slipped, and they got your ass.

That's right.

They'll tell you they're going to bed
and get up and come looking for you.

"I'm going to bed."
"Okay, i love you. Bye. All right."

*** think, "i'm going up,
looking for this *** ass.

I know where he at.

He over at chuckie and them's
over on feday street.

I'm going to fuck this *** up."

Your friends be looking out for you.

"I think your girl's out prowling.
I just seen her car."

And don't fall asleep, fellas,
before your girl

'cause they will ransack your shit.

You ever fall asleep and wake up

and realize you ain't got
that phone in your pocket?

Be like, "oh, shit. My phone.
Baby! What room you in?!

This bitch got my phone.

Baby, what room you in?
You seen your mama?

Where your mama at?
Where your mama? Baby!"

They get that motherfucking
phone, it is a wrap.

That's a real nightmare
right there, Detroit.

You in a cold sleep,
and that's all you hear...

"Who the fuck is this?!"

You can't believe it's happening.
You be like, "is this a dream?"

You be looking with your eyes
squinting and shit.

"Who is this, ***?
Ain't no sun in here."

*** looking like the sun's
in his eyes.

"Ain't no sun in here. Who is this?!"

"I don't know."
"Call the bitch."

You walk around the house butt naked
with some underwear on, calling bitches.

"Yeah, this is Mike. Uh, don't never
call me again, bitch, yeah.

Fuck you, you know what i mean?"

He could be looking at his girl, talking,

"yeah, bitch, don't ever call me
back again, you hear me?"

"Call the other bitch.

I'm not playing with you."

"Yeah, this is Mike, uh, don't never
call me back again.

You fucking my family up, bitch, bye."

"Don't be saying 'bye' at the end, ***!

You're trying to leave some hope, ain't you?

I'm changing the number in the morning."

You know, fucking women
put the pressure on the ***.

They want to feel your balls
when you come in the house.

"Let me feel your nuts.
Your nuts feel empty, man.

How much did they weigh 'fore i left, man?

"I didn't say nothing when you
had that bottle of vinegar next to the tub."

Look how all the old bitches
know what that is.

[Sings] Snap that pussy back.

"Yeah, i'm gonna tighten
this pussy up on this *** tonight.

Two capfuls of this vinegar."

[Sings] Snap that pussy back.

"Girl, I'm looking in my cabinet.
I done ran out of that snap-back.

Come over. I'll be right over there."

[Sings] Snap that pussy back.

all the young bitches still don't know
what I'm talking about.

"What's the vinegar shit he talking about?"

They going to the store right after this.
"What aisle's the vinegar on, ma'am?"

"You must want to..."
[Sings] Snap that pussy back.

Look at them.
They like that, don't they, fellas?

But they don't like when we make
the pussy fart, do they?

[Farting noises]

"You trying to be funny,
you making my pussy fart."

[Farting noises]

*** make a song like Doug E. Fresh.

[Beatboxing]

"Get up. You making my pussy fart."

They think they done did their thing.
Air done got in there.

They lifted their legs up.
As soon as they let them legs down.

"I'm so sorry."

Don't be sorry. Which hole did
that air come out of?

'Cause i smelled steamed broccoli,
goddamn it, now get up.

[Farting noises]

I seen cream of wheat dust
come out of there.

And, fellas, you got to fuck
these girls good,

'cause if you don't, they ain't
gonna give you no play.

You be like, "I wonder why she don't say
nothing to me no more, man."

You see her in the club. "What's up?!"

She be like, "Hey...

Sorry-ass motherfucker.

Two-second-ass, bitch-ass ***,
wasting my time."

You got to tear the pussy down.

If you don't fuck them good,
you know they gonna pull out that little...

[Vibrating noises]

Look at them. They love that shit.
[Vibrating noises]

Put the motherfucking toy
out of the equation.

You done tore the pussy down.

"Watch out." [Vibrating noises]

Then the batteries go down.

You be like, "yeah, bitch.
You want to play now."

She all in the kitchen, butt naked
on her tippy toes, looking for batteries.

"Oh, my god. The feeling's going away.
I need some batteries."

All in the kitchen drawers.

"Oh, my god, where's
the motherfucking batteries?"

They finally take the batteries
out the remote control.

"Get the channel you gonna watch.
Put the motherfucking remote control down.

I'm taking the batteries out of here."

They get mad when we got
a porno tape in the motherfucking house.

"Keep these bitches out of my house!"

Motherfucking frisbee...
threw the motherfucker.

"I don't know them bitches.
They live in San Diego."

Women love to catch a *** jacking off.

That's why you got to have
the remote control right here on your lap

so you can hit stop
and put your dick under your shirt.

Who is that?

Son!

That's how women walk
in the door on your ass just like this.

"What are you doing?"

I'm gonna do it again.

This is how they come around
the corner like this.

"Caught your ass, didn't I?

Smell funny in here."

"What it supposed to smell like?
My balls is out.

Cherries?"

And, ladies, you got to watch these men.
Just 'cause a *** got money

don't mean he got his dick cut right
when he was a baby.

*** pull his dick out, and
motherfucker got a turtleneck.

[Sings] I think this brother got a turtleneck

"Girl, he got money,
but he got blanket lint on his dick.

What do I do?

What do I do?

I'm feeling good, motherfucker.

We got a black president.

Can't nobody tell me shit.

I feel like i can sell weed
right in the middle of the street.

Obama smoke weed.

Look at that little walk he got.
You see that little walk?

I seen him almost fall one time.

See, this *** a pimp right here.

Lips purple, he smoking them
grape swisher sweets?

Look at his lips.

Bush got all the money.

He's a rotten motherfucker,
that little Bush.

Oh, he somewhere right now
with his shirt off,

eating chicken wings, counting his money.

"Oh, i raked up pretty good."

He just look at you
with that little smirk like that.

You know how Bush look at you,
like, "you know i fucked you.

But what you gonna do about it?

Nothing."

They tried to fuck Obama's oath up.
You see when he had his hand up?

He had to stop and look at the man like,

"I'll slap the shit out you up here
if you mess my shit up.

Try to read my oath
with a now and later in your mouth."

You know Obama's real.

He getting them threatening calls, too.

He got the same pressure of a ***
that got 30 kilos in the basement.

"Hello?"

"I'm gonna kill you, ***."

"Hello?!"

"I'm gonna kill you, motherfucker.
You think you the shit."

"Jesse?

I know who it is, Michelle.
It's Jesse Jackson.

Stop playing on my fucking phone.

No, you can't come to the white house, ***.

Trying to call me a bitch
on the mike one night."

They caught jesse's ass hating on him.

"Talk about suck my dick, ***."

Caught you, didn't they, Jesse?

He sitting up there at the inauguration,
crying, like he just so happy,

looking like a drunk-ass Pekinese, just...

"Man, that sure was supposed to be me.
Keep hope alive."

He's just a rotten motherfucker, man.

You got Martin Luther king shot, man.

Pop!

"Watch out, king!
Goddamn it! Get out the way!"

"Jesse, they was after you."
"I know who it was. I know that.

I tried to fuck his wife.
Let's get out of here."

Ah, shit.

That fucking Bin Laden
they still can't find him.

Every chance he get, he let them know.
As soon as Obama won, *** call.

"We won, my ***."

"Who is this?"

"It's the *** you love to hate.

It's Ladi-Dadi.

And we likes to party."

He send him a tape every chance he get.

"This is my new video. Exclusive.

'Rhapsody the basement,'
with my ***, big tigger."

[Sings]

Gettin' Bin Laden money

We gettin' Bin Laden money

We gettin' Bin Laden money

Just think of all them busta rhymes video.

Muslim women butt naked with just this on.

Oh man.

It's crazy out here, man.

White people, I feel sorry for y'all.

Y'all kids will kill y'all...
in a motherfucking minute.

"Timmy, you're grounded."

"And you're dead, mom bitch!

You're fucking out of here, man!"

That's how they always do
the leg and their foot...

"You're fucking dead, mom!

You're dead, fucking dead as dead, man!"

"Timmy, what's the problem?"

"You're the fucking problem.

You're the problem,
dad's the fucking problem.

I told you i want my fucking
skateboard out the shop, bitch!"

Look at white people.
"I don't act like that. My son doesn't do that."

You come home from school,
little Timmy in the garage making a bomb.

"What are you doing, Timmy?"
"Nothing, mom!

Get out of here now!

That's why you're fucking out of here!"

You ain't never heard of a little black kid
killing they mama, have you?

'Cause there will be a shootout
in that mother...

You know, black mothers got
instincts like they in Vietnam.

"What you doing in that room
so motherfucking long?

You need to say something
when you in there."

"This is my room."

You know them black mothers love
jumping on they daughters.

Them mamas and daughters always got
that little rival thing after a while.

You know when the daughters
start getting spunky with her mama,

tell her to do something.

"I'm-a do it. Shit."

"What did you say?

Bitch, I'll knock your head
in between that washer and dryer.

Don't talk that motherfucking shit to me."

You know, black mothers love
to do that first jump on.

"Let's get an understanding
around here, heifer."

And then they call and tell everybody.

"I had to knock Shaniqua's motherfucking
I tried to kick that bitch

all behind the damn washer and dryer.

I guess 'cause she got titties she think
she running something around here.

I had to let her know buy your own tampons!

Until you can buy your own tampons,
don't say a motherfucking thing to me.

Bitch will want to borrow a tampon,
talk crazy back to a bitch."

Then the next two days,
"i love you, baby. Want to go have lunch?"

"Yeah, if you didn't beat me
all upside the fucking head

and told everybody at the church."

Black mamas will hit your ass anywhere:

church, parking lot, court,
any motherfucking where.

If you ever get hit, you be
looking to see who seen it.

Be a white man just looking at you like this.

"You better be careful, little buddy."

"You better shut the fuck up."

"He's pretty feisty, isn't he?"

"Yeah, I'm-a knock his motherfucking teeth
out of his mouth."

My mother tried to raise us Jehovah's witness.

I was like, "oh, hell, no. Not that.

No fucking Christmas gifts?
Fuck this shit!"

Keep tying notes to my shirt,
"he's not to participate in any activities."

"This note won't make it this year.
I'm getting a fucking gift this year."

Knocking on people's doors,
"do you know the truth?"

"Get off my porch, bitch."

"Yep, the devil's in there.
Let's get out of here, kids."

Hey, it's fucking crazy out here.

I want to turn my life over to god,
but it is hard as hell.

Every time something happen to us,
that's what we do.

"Oh, god, please don't do it to me, man.
I tell you this is it, man.

I'm leaving these *** alone.

All these bitches,
I'm telling you this is it, man.

I'm tired of this shit man.
I should have been came to you."

As soon as you feel good, ***, you're back out.

[Sings] Fuck these bitches,
I'm gonna fuck these bitches

God be like, "he's a lying
motherfucker right there.

Lying-ass ***.
Don't you call me no more."

These motherfucking churches
are getting expensive!

You think these preachers don't know
it's a fucking recession?

Every time they catch you
catching the Holy Ghost:

"we gonna take the plate one more time!

Pass the plate one more time!"

I seen old ladies snap out of the Holy Ghost.

She's like, "la... oh, hell, no!

Now, that's just taking advantage
of a motherfucker right there.

That's the third time he done sent
the plate around here.

Now, that's it, now."

They got families that know
how to time that motherfucking plate.

You see a whole family get up.
They know how to do it.

You see the father get up first.
Motherfucker just start walking out.

Kids be right behind him.

Pastor, "look at this shit
right there! Look at that!

That's what you call stealing, now."

Some of them pastors need
to quit it, for real.

Like, them *** that be
on TV 4:30 in the morning.

Be like, "***, what the hell?"

"You got to understand. You see the Lord...

let us turn the page... 33...
Corinthians 33:45.

And it'll tell you... You'll see the...

Be like, "***, it is the reason why you
on the TV at 4:00 in the morning.

You ain't shit."

And I'm telling you, man, TV
and the computer is some bullshit.

That's all they got is bullshit on there.

Judge Joe Brown, you ever watch him?

"You mean to tell me you had $25,

and you turned around and gave
the other lady $8 of the money?

Sit down."

What about judge Mathis?
He's a motherfucker, ain't he?

That's Detroit's finest.

He'll call you a crackhead in a minute.

"So that's what the lady said.
I know what she said.

Huh? Go ahead. Say it again.

And she's a crackhead.

I know a crackhead when i see one.
Go ahead. Huh?

And you gave her the $35.

I know a crackhead.
Yeah, i know your stuff.

I went to school with people like you.
You trying to pull a game on me.

Gangs, I've been there."

Don't you hate that guy
on that college commercial

that Everest college commercial?

"Get up. Come on. What you doing?
You ain't doing nothing with yourself.

Come on, look at you.
You look like a bum just sitting there!

You ain't doing nothing!

Do something with yourself.
Come on down to college.

Man, you ugly as hell. Man, come on, man.
Come on man. Look at you.

You ain't got no job.
You ain't doing nothing with yourself.

Come on, get a college degree!"

You be like, "shut the fuck up, ***!
I'm doing something with myself!

I'll kill that *** down
at Everest college, man."

10 minutes later, here come the bitch.

"Come on. What you got in there, huh?

You ain't doing nothing with yourself.
Life's fucked up."

What about "first 48"? You ever watched that?

You got to read the Bible
after you watch that shit.

I'm straightening my life up
after that episode, that was fucked up.

I ain't bullshitting. It can happen.

They need to call "first 48"
"first 48 snitches,"

'cause them are some
ratatouille-ass *** on that show.

I haven't seen an episode yet
where they didn't tell.

Soon as the police ride up.

"Put your hands up!"
"Tony Clark."

Police, "wait a minute, ***.
Who is Tony Clark?"

"I tell you who it is.

Come on. Let's go. Let's go downtown.
I'm ready to get a soda.

I'm ready to drink a soda,
baby, let's do it.

And you better get two 90-minute tapes

'cause i got a whole lot of shit
i want to talk to you about."

That lady make everybody tell.
What's her name, ms. Mason?

You know how the show come on.
[Imitating a melody]

"In the first 48..."

When they get the *** in the room,
she go right in there at him.

"Now, little cookie, you know that i know
that everybody in the hood know

who killed little poo-poo Thursday night."

This is how you know the *** gonna tell,
when they go like this,

"Booyah! I think we got him!"

When they come back from a commercial,
*** been saying something.

You can tell 'cause he got a cigarette.
*** relaxed.

"Yeah, I seen a little
something-something-something."

By the time the show's going off,
this *** at red lobster.

"I seen three murders.
Give me that butter right there, put that..."

"***, you done told for an ultimate feast?"

What i can't understand about a *** telling,
*** still go to jail.

You did all that telling, and you still in here?

Niggas in jail are
the lyingest motherfuckers ever.

*** be in jail lying like me.

"You know they took $100, 000 from me, man!

Kicked that dope, took $100, 000,
took $50, 000, man. Took everything."

You like, "why you ain't got
no money on your books?"

"They took everything.

I didn't even have $15
to put on any *** books."

When *** go to prison, man,
they turn into everything.

Straight up

I know a *** that done killed nine ***.

This *** in a Christmas play this year.

This *** [Sings] I me...

I said, "do they know
who they got in this play?"

This nigga is gonna tie Santa, everybody up.

[Vocalises]

*** come home from prison

they want you to take them
to the mall, don't they?

"Take me to the mall, baby.

You know, I just came home man.
Gonna get me right, baby!

Take me to Northland, baby,
get me a sweater!

Yeah, man, take me there, man."

They tell everybody, too.
"Yeah, Tony got me two sweaters.

I just got two sweaters.
Tony gave me two sweaters.

I got a pair of pants the other night."

See the *** a year later,
"Man, you know i just came home, don't you?"

"***, you've been home for a while now.
Quit lying, motherfucker."

And if you've been selling dope
for 20 years and you ain't got shit,

it's probably time to get a job.

I'm being straight up.

You can make more money on a job
than them those kibbles and bits.

You been throwing rocks at the penitentiary
for $140 a week, anyway.

For $140 a week.

You might as well go get a job.

You in it for the lifestyle, not the paper.

You're tricking bitches with a gold chain.

Look at the sugar daddy right there.

[Sings] You could have whatever you like

i said you could have whatever you like

Hey!

Look at sugar daddy. Sugar daddy!

If you don't sit your big
b. b. king-looking ass...

[Sings] You could have whatever you like

Hey!

Stacks on me
Patron on ice

Put it on down, but it just I said,
you could have whatever you like

That's right. Give it up for him, y'all.

One more time, sugar daddy!

That's one of them old players be looking
over his glasses in the club.

Boy, there's some fine bitches
in here tonight.

*** had this many keys.
Goddamn, this is magnificent.

Goddamn, there's some bad
bitches in there.

Smitty, where are the little bad
bitches in the house?

Oh, look at that ass,
fatter than a country boy's lunch box.

Look out. Look out. Look out. Look out.

I'd like to had to got
that pussy the other night.

I'd like to had to got that pussy.

I'd like to had to got it. I'm telling you."

That's how them old men be talking.

"Look here, son.
Let me tell you something.

I just got a whole new,
I just got a whole new,

look out there in the back of that trunk
and get y'all soda out of there.

Get your soda out of there."

When them old men coming in
the house, that's all you hear.

[Keys clanking]

"Damn, what key is this?
I don't know what godda..."

Then you hear him holler: "Barbara!

I don't know what goddamn key
this is right here."

There's some sugar daddies in here
'cause i seen about nine vans outside.

That's all them old players drive is vans.

"Shit, i ain't about no goddamn hotel.

Take her right in the back
of the goddamn van.

Yeah, sure did. Fucked her for $77."

*** always say an odd number.

"Shit, get me some of that
pussy for $38 the other night.

Sure did."

There's a lot of older ladies in here

trying to give away
some of that cougar pussy.

[Sings] You could have whatever you like

"Come on, get some of this
cougar pussy, young boy."

Shit, them old ladies buy you lawn mowers
and hedge cutters and shit.

"Mama bought you a hedge cutter, baby."

"I ain't doing no yard work, bitch.
Let me use the car."

I got a buddy under investigation right now.

This *** been taking food
up into the nursing home,

feeding old women, getting they checks.

He riding around
with the old women in they car.

Old women got the same
jogging suit he got on.

"Yeah, man, that's my girl in there."

I said, "***, that ain't your girl.
Take that old lady home."

3:00 in the morning, she in the car asleep.

This *** eating chicken
outside of the car, music blaring.

Old lady in the car knocked
the fuck out with a jogging suit on.

I said, "man, take that old lady ass home."

She about to get up anyway.
It's about 4:30.

She get up anyway that time.

I said, "this is a rotten
motherfucker right here, ***.

You going to double hell
with gasoline drawers on.

You are fucked up.

I said, "do you fuck any of them?"

"Every now and then, I hit one of them.

Every now and then,
i hit them and split them.

You know what i mean?
I do a little something to them.

Get on, wave it around."

I said, "you's a foul ***.

If I catch you near my grandma,
I'm gonna fuck you up."

Some of them grandmas, though,
they be hot in the pants.

They be in there talking
all nice to you and your friends.

As soon as you walk out,
they jump in your friends' faces.

"Man, come and get your grandmother."

"What? I ain't did nothing.
Ain't nobody doing nothing."

We have some sugar daddies in here tonight,

and i knowing some older ladies
in here tonight.

And I just want to let y'all know
that times have really changed.

You know times have changed.

How did we go from...

[Sings] Oh girl

I'd be in trouble if I left you now

... to... [Sings]
I was gettin' some head

I was getting some head

My grandmother is 80-something years old.

She don't know what "head" mean,
the word "head."

My little nephews was playing that song,
she came in there and said,

"cut it off right now before I come in there

and get some head out of all of you!

And I mean cut it off right goddamn now!

I gave your daddy head,
your daddy head, your daddy head

I've been giving head
around here for many years.

Now cut it off!"

They was laughing like a mother.

Every five minutes,
they was running in the room,

playing, "grandma." "What?"

"You still gonna give us some head
like you said you was earlier today?"

"You damn right I'm gonna
give you head like I said.

Keep on coming in and ask,
I'm gonna give it to you right now!"

"I got to pee. I can't do it right now."

She didn't know what the fuck
they was talking about.

My auntie told her
what they was talking about.

They was in there asleep.

She came in there.

"Get your motherfucking ass!

I was talking about sucking
a dick earlier today!"

My grandmother's sitting
on the toilet like this

with a cigarette and just open her legs
and thump the ashes out.

Shoulders be up.

"Come here. Get grandma some toilet paper."

Sometimes she lift her whole ass up.

It look like Chris Brown
is the new Ike Turner.

[Sings] Wanna beat you, boo
Every day

Every night

We don't know what
that Frankenstein-head bitch did to him.

There's two sides
to the motherfucking story.

Shit, I'm down with the women,
you know what I mean?

But the new law is...

[Sings] Whoever get the phone first,
the other one's goin' to jail

Shit, *** be calling now.

"Yeah, uh, my wife just hit me in the eye.
Get down here now."

They don't fuck around with that shit.

They will give a *** a basketball
jersey number for that shit.

One time my girl called
the police and hung up.

This motherfuckers still came out.

"Unfortunately, um,
somebody got to go down."

I was like, "for what?"

"Um, taxpayer's dollars.
You made us come out here."

She looking at me. I'm looking at her.

I went down there and got her, man.
She was madder than a motherfucker.

What?
I had to work that night.

She in the car like...

I'm like, "I know. I know how it is."

I'm just bullshitting. I'm just playing.

They all jokes, motherfuckers, jokes.

Y'all get sensitive and shit.

Now I'm in the movies.

Motherfuckers just want me
to crack a joke all the goddamn time.

I'll just be at places, man

"Say something funny."

Be like, "***, you say something funny."

People just walk up
and ask stupid-ass questions.

"You talk to ice cube every day?"

"No, motherfucker!"

Stupid shit.

And people love to call me day-day.

How long am i gonna be day-day?

Forever?

Aaaaaaah!

[Sings] 15, 30, 35, 40, 45, 47

"I know dwight."
"Dwight who?"

"'Da white' around your lips."

And I'm escorted by top-flight
security of the world!

Yeah, it's crazy around here, man.
I ain't bullshitting, man.

I went to the strip club the other night,
the Brass key.

It was rough up in there.
Smell my fingers.

I ain't bullshitting. Come here, man.

I cannot get this cat smell off my hand.

You're like, "man, what the fuck?"

A girl squirt some baby milk.

I'm like, "what the hell
was that all about?"

"I just had a son!"

I said, "do you see him in here?"

Had a C-section scar
that went across this way.

What you have, a baby or heart surgery?

What the fuck kind of scar is that?

I went and told the manager.

I said, "girl's squirting goat milk over there
in the fucking corner."

"I know who it is."

"What the fuck did you let her
work for tonight?

You know who it is."

I love Detroit!

Y'all *** is gangsta out here.

Yeah.

I've been coming to Detroit since 1989.

I went to the job corps
right there on Jefferson Street.

My mama sent me up here
to be an electrician.

I went back home with a finger wave.

She's like, "oh, hell, no.
You getting the fuck out of there."

I had a briefcase and shit.

"What the fuck kind of new shit is this?

What's in the briefcase?!"
"Nothing."

I love y'all *** in Detroit, shit.

And *** asks why you all here
at the show during a recession?

'Cause y'all are some hustling
sons of bitches.

I don't know where you get
your money, but you get it.

And if you're poor, we won't never know it.

Y'all keep y'all fronts all the way up.

You stay down until you come up.

A *** won't never know what you got
until he pull you to the side and say,

"man, I'm running on hard times right now."

That's how one of them old players
gets some money from you.

They just stare at you for a minute
before they say something.

As soon as they catch your eye.
"Let me holler about something."

You're like, "oh, what this
*** want right here?"

"Look, man, tell you something, man,

you know they took $3, 500
from me the other day

over there at Tony and Earl
and them homes, right?"

You're like, "here this ***
go on one of them stories."

You see that white man Madoff
took all that money.

You see that shit?

Man, if that was a *** he'd be dead.

Shit, you can't take $1, 000 from a ***
without putting a hit on you.

I'm for real.

You borrow money from a white person,
don't never give it back.

"This is it. This is the last $30."

You borrow some money from a black person,

they're gonna threaten you
before they give it to you.

"Let me tell you about my money, player.

I works too hard for my stiff.

You know what I mean?

I started not to give it to you."

You be like, "you know what,
fuck you and that $20, all right?

About to fucking lecture me, ***."

The black people give you
the money and tell everybody.

"What you doing?"
"Oh, nothing. Just gave Carlos $40.

Doing pretty bad this week, man.

You know, i guess god will bless me for it,
you know what i mean?"

And everybody got to do the right thing,

You know what i mean,
trying to look out for each other.

You know what I'm saying?
Shit, that's all we got around here,

these motherfuckers, is each other. Shit.

That's right. We ain't got
none of the old folks no more.

All these little, young kids, they fucked up.
They ain't got no direction.

Shit.

These little kids is on everything:
slurp, pills, Xanax,

[Sings] Oxycontin, painkillers,
cigarette, weed, Hennessey, vodka

These little *** is Martians around here.

They go through 19 emotions.

You be like, "what's up, little Tony?"

"I love you. Ohh! I feel..."

be like, "what the fuck is wrong with you?"

"I'm on everything."

I'm retarded.

I've been in special ed all my life.

They have surrounded me
around retarded kids all my life for nothing.

For real, they said, "you retarded..."

My mother said,
"you was retarded when you was little.

And you grew out of it."

I said, "no, ain't no fucking
growing out of it."

I told her, "stop telling people that shit."

"You was retarded and grew out of it."

You don't fucking grow out of it.

If i was retarded then,
I'll be retarded now, right?

Do i look retarded to any of y'all?

Who's saying "yeah"? Fuck you, man.

There's some retarded kids in here
'cause i seen the van pull up outside.

They on a field trip,
about six of them together.

That's how retarded kids walk
when they don't know where they going.

"Toby, over here!"

"Leave me alone.

And get out of my face."

I went to school with a *** named Junior.

*** had a big old booty,
wore corduroys every day.

Corduroys and cardboard.
You'd say, "what's up, Junior?"

"Get out of my face and leave me alone."

*** tongue always hanging out.

"Leave me alone. Leave me alone."

I walk in the bathroom.

This *** done pull his pants
all the way down,

pissing like this, ass out, belt buckle,
underwear, everything down there.

I said, "man, unzip your shit!"

"Leave me alone."

This motherfucker, this dude
pull a hot dog out his pocket,

in the bun, ketchup, mustard, everything.

I said, "did this motherfucker
just pull a dressed hot dog out his pocket?"

"Leave me alone."

I stayed in special Ed.

And the bell would ring,
teacher, "sit back down."

I said, "bitch, the bell just rang."

"Put your helmet on."

I said, "I'm not putting
no motherfucking helmet on."

I was in there with a ***
had a hand like this,

but the *** sing R&B. And he'd go --

[Sings] Baby

And i really wanna love you

I said, baby

And I really want to love you

Little hand be swinging.

"You know girl?"

G-i-i-r-l

that's how he'd wipe the sweat off his head.

"This next song is...

One of my favorites."

Sometimes he'd get sexy with it.

He'd go... [Sings] Baby

That's how he looked
on his debut album, like this.

His new debut album.

"Where will I go now?"

Y'all think I'm going to hell for that?

And you going with me. You was laughing.

[Sings] Baby

that's how he be clever.
"Come on, put them nubs together.

Come on!

You know, ladies..."

[Sings] When I look into your eyes

That's how he get a lot of women.

He'd get the number with his back turned.

"Put your number in the phone."

They be getting the pussy.
You don't see nothing but that hand.

"What is that moving?"
"Don't worry about it."

Soon as the motherfucker come...
[Sings] Baby

There's a lot of big girls in here tonight.
Where the big girls at?

I'm gonna start pointing y'all's asses out.

You don't want to make it known.

I see your honeybun-smuggling
ass up in here.

I made a song for the big girls.
Come on, y'all. Clap.

We're gonna do the song for the big girls.

Come on now.

Everybody got a big girl,
you know what i mean?

Some of y'all mamas is big girls.

And some of y'all *** is big girls, too.
Come on now.

[Sings] I like big girls, I cannot lie.

If you need a man baby, I'm that guy

up in the club, V. I. P.

big girls everywhere, and they lovin' me

Yeah, I want a sandwich, I'll take two

Put it in the kitchen, they know what to do.

Lobster, chicken, biscuits,
put it in the oven,

Kool-Aid, pizza, damn, I love it

Big girl, big job, big salary

Big girls don't care about calories.

Big girls, don't care who's looking.

All they wanna know is, "damn, who cookin'?"

I'm Mike Epps. Thank y'all, Detroit!

- My boy Mike Epps, rapping the D, baby!

Two sold-out shows.

Fifth row, baby! I'll holler at you.

Get at us, baby.

- What up, Mike Epps?
Welcome to Detroit, man.

- Hey, mike man, much love man.

You know y'all put us on the front street,
but this is from the motor city.

- Hey, Mike Epps, come
to see you live from Detroit.

We love you!
- We love you, Mike.

- We love you!
- We love you, Mike!

- We love you, Mike! Love you!

- Hey, mike, man, much love, man.

You know y'all put us on the front street,

but this is from the motor city,
the original, you know what i mean?

And this is the way we do it,
just like this.

- Give him a spin-around.
Let him know how you feel.

- I'm here to see Mike Epps with his fine ass.

- Mike, "35, 45, 55", all day long, baby.

- That's what's up. 313 all day, baby.

- What's up, 313?
Mike Epps doing the real thing.

- And we show up in our best
when we have our guests.

- Gonna do it real big, baby,
Detroit style, you know what I'm saying?

Everything is good in the hood.

So let's go in, have a good time, party hardy.
- Thank you.

- You sexy, Mike Epps.

- I think you're a motherfucking fool!

- As you can see, the people are rolling in.

I'm your roller-scooting
news reporter G thang.

Live in front of the Fox theatre in Detroit.

It's nice. The people are piling in.
No more tickets left.

Mike ain't playing.

It's going down, and look at this, my man.

- About to hit the building,
you know what I'm saying?

What's up? This is my boy Mike Epps,
you know what i'm saying?

But you ought to get down here
trying to do it, you know what I'm saying?

Detroit style.

One look, come on back, Mike,
you know what I'm saying?

- You heard him.
- You're trying to keep it clean, baby.

- Hey, baby. I'm trying to find the Fox.

How do I get to the hood?

This is the real Lil Wayne.

How do I get to the Fox theatre?

- You walking?
- Who's walking with you?

Me and Bin Laden's coming.
We walking to the Fox!

Marvin Gaye right here.
This is Marvin Gaye right here!

- Motown.
- Motown, baby!

- Nothing but winners up in here.

- Nothing but winners. Let's do it.

No, no, don't put none...
- You don't like that extra-sexy?

That looked like some liquid
Drano you about to wipe on my...

Do some of your Motown. You got any Motown?

- All right, now, Motown!

- How y'all get to the Fox theatre?

- 45, 47! 45.
- Oh man!

- Is that your place?
- No, this is.

- This is the place right here.
- Yeah.

Or at least it is till next month.

If I don't pay the bill,
they real quick about that.

- All right.
Yeah, that's what I'm talking about.

- Thank you.
- That's a Kodak moment.

- I told you what I'm trying to do.

The camera don't work.

- Okay.

What time do you take that mustache off?

- Boxing history right here
was made with this guy.

Tommy Hearns' cast and crew right there.

- I seen the stars on his eyes.

- I be trying to hide them, brother.

- Let me see what you got.
- You know, you know.

- Let me see if you still got that.

Yeah, there you go.

- Oh! Oh, my god!

I'm a porno star, ma'am. Keep walking.

- He ain't no, "fridays." You know.

- Can you tell me how to get to the Fox?

- Sure, i can take you there if you wish.

- Damn, baby, let's do it.

Now, this right here is what you call
a real pimp getting his money

on the phone, cussing a ho out.

Here he come.

Hey, you got to go in there
and get you one of them brims.

- Hey, don't i know you, man?

- Mike Epps, man.

Oh, they got me on TV.

Mike Epps right here. What's happening, Mike?

Welcome to the city.
- That's a real Detroit player right here.

- That's right. That's how we do it.

He laced up. He gonna go in there
and get him a job, you know what I'm saying?

Let them know what they doing tonight.

But this is what you call
a real Detroit player right here.

We just do it right, that's all.

That's all right. That's all.

- Say it again, man.

How are they treating you, Red?
- Like the redheaded stepchild with the flu.

- Well, I knew i was gonna get me
on a slick line out of here.

- All I'm wondering, "where's the honey?"

All you wondering, "where's the money?"

Where's the Fox?

Good to meet you, sir.

- Just watched...
- "Roscoe Jenkins"?

- Yeah. It's on demand right now.

- That was on TV?

I might have a check in the mail or something
in the next two days or something.

[Sings] You got me up in

Live in Detroit, baby!

- All right, Mike.
- All right.

Mike. Good to have you in the city, man.

Next time you come,
I'll give you my number, man.

I'll show you a nice time.

- That's right.

- You know what I'm saying?
- The Detroit hood.

- How do we get
to the Fox theater from here?

Ahh! I don't need to be downtown.

"Ahh. You don't need to be downtown."

I like how he talks. I like how he talks.
He said, "aah!

I don't need to be downtown."
Tell them.

- I don't need to be downtown.
I stay in the hood.

- What hood you from?

- Four-one.
- Four-one, baby.

- You already know.

Doesn't he look like Fredo
from "the godfather"?

- I'll have to rent it again.

- One, two, or three?

- One, two, and three.
- One, two, and three.

- Have a good one. Take care. Pleasure.

- I got to see how fast you can catch me
if I try to run right now.

All right, let's go.
Just one time. Ready?

You've gotta try to snatch me.

- How do you get
to the Fox theatre from here?

You're gonna go up here to Washington.

- Uh-huh.
- Adams and Woodward.

And at Woodward,
you'll see the fox theatre from there.

- Are you doing a show tonight?
- Yeah, I'm doing a show tonight.

- Well, welcome to Detroit.

- Was you able to see that
with them green eyes?

- All right.

[Unintelligible speech]

Mhm.

Yeah.

Yeah,

- I'm not jumping up and down!
There's a camera around!

Thank you very much.

It was a pleasure meeting you.
You're awesome. You crack me up.

I don't remember very many people.

- What's going on, big baby?!
- Good to see you, man.

- Nice to meet y'all.
Thanks for having us in front of your shit.

Hey baby girl!

Thank you, man. How you doing?
- Holding on.

Does this store have anything
to do with prostitutes?

Anything. I mean, any parts of prostitution.
Just be honest.

- It might have been back
in the day, before we got here.

- Back in the day.
- Before we got here.

- They've only been here since about 1950.
- Okay.

So I'm pretty sure that you can admit
to me that this store had something to do

with somebody getting slapped.

- Yeah.
- Yeah, I'm pretty sure of that.

You will get the shit slapped out of you
by somebody wearing this right here.

You will get the taste slapped
out of your mouth by somebody.

If somebody jump out the car
on you with this on,

you better have their fucking money.

This is pimp apparel.

Some of them old players turn their back
on you when they open their wallet.

Here, I'm done.
I was just fucking with you.

Y'all know it. I was just messing with you.

I came here looking for you, but...
they said you was late, as usual.

- Well, we love you for it.
- I love you, too, man.

Kick it real, kick it right down the middle.

- That's my dawg, baby.
- We've been knowing each other almost 30 years.

Almost 30 years. Y'all only look like
you're 30 years old.

Talking about they've been
knowing each other for 30 years.

Both these mothers look 30.
- We used to share a bottle.

The barbershop, okay?

That's where the real conversation's at.

- And we don't lie about it.

- You gonna get to really hear
about the economy

and if Obama gonna get
the paper in there, ain't ya?

- Oh, yeah. You hear
about the lies, cries, and alibis.

- Love to you, brother.
- Ditto.

- All right.
- Mike, take care.

All right, now.

Little Jay Z, what's up?

Oh, there's another one.

All right, y'all have a good night now.

Take care of your mama.

The new mayor of DC,
I heard you the new mayor.

Rick Ross, what's up, baby?

Gonna be fresh
at Chuck-e-cheese this weekend.

You gonna steal the show, brother.

All the little kids gonna be
like, "ooh, look at his fade.

Look at his fade. Look at his fade.
Look at his fade. Look at his fade.

- Got Mike Epps up here right now.
He's roasting people.

I ain't bulling. He roasting,
and i got on my uniform. Yeah.

- Live, coming to you
from the Motor city, downtown Detroit,

me and my homey
sitting back here chilling.

That's right.
On our way to the Fox theatre.

- That's right.
- It's Mike Epps in Detroit.

Let's say it together.

[Both] Bitch!

- Hey man, I'm trying to find Fox.
Where can i find it at, baby?

- Oh, it's right down there.

It is, but my girl gonna ride with us.
You don't mind, do you?

- Okay.

Hey, man, i got a big show
at the Fox tonight.

It's going down.

This is that shit right here, though.

Fox theatre.

I remember my first time playing here.

I was so motherfucking excited
I didn't know what to do.

I'm excited now
because I'm shooting my special here.

Damn, I can't wait to do this show.

I'm at the fabulous Fox theatre,
the historical Fox theatre..

You know where Elvis Presley played,
Stevie Wonder, Rolling Stones,

Bobby "blue" Bland, B. B. King,
and your man Mike Epps, baby.

We at the famous Fox.