Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:00,225 --> 00:00:01,470
{\an8}[Mondo Cozmo's "Plastic Soul"]
2
00:00:01,494 --> 00:00:02,737
{\an8}[cell phone chimes]
3
00:00:02,761 --> 00:00:06,675
{\an8}♪ ♪
4
00:00:06,699 --> 00:00:09,711
{\an8}I did a benefit with
Shaquille O'Neal yesterday.
5
00:00:09,735 --> 00:00:11,213
Oh, yeah?
6
00:00:11,237 --> 00:00:12,947
Yeah. And I swear to God,
7
00:00:12,971 --> 00:00:15,016
your hands are bigger than his.
8
00:00:15,040 --> 00:00:16,951
[chuckles]
9
00:00:16,975 --> 00:00:20,155
Should I do stock market?
10
00:00:20,179 --> 00:00:23,024
Yes. Why the hell wouldn't you?
11
00:00:23,048 --> 00:00:24,793
I like having all my
money in checking,
12
00:00:24,817 --> 00:00:26,195
so when I get a
receipt at the ATM,
13
00:00:26,219 --> 00:00:28,197
I see a high number.
14
00:00:28,221 --> 00:00:30,332
And, uh... Deborah?
15
00:00:30,356 --> 00:00:33,101
Oh, sorry. I...
16
00:00:33,125 --> 00:00:35,337
I've been approached
about doing a podcast.
17
00:00:35,361 --> 00:00:38,640
I got to say, very impressed
you don't have one.
18
00:00:38,664 --> 00:00:40,675
[indistinct excited chatter]
- I know, right?
19
00:00:40,699 --> 00:00:42,411
Thank you so much.
20
00:00:42,435 --> 00:00:44,045
[indistinct conversation]
21
00:00:44,069 --> 00:00:46,047
No, no, thank you.
22
00:00:46,071 --> 00:00:48,517
[chuckles]
23
00:00:48,541 --> 00:00:51,653
I'm cooking dinner
for Ruby tonight.
24
00:00:51,677 --> 00:00:54,256
Did you know you
can make dressing?
25
00:00:54,280 --> 00:00:57,025
It doesn't just come as
dressing in a bottle.
26
00:00:57,049 --> 00:00:58,693
Of course.
27
00:00:58,717 --> 00:01:00,862
I travel with my own balsamic.
28
00:01:00,886 --> 00:01:02,864
I'd be selling it,
too, if goddamn Newman
29
00:01:02,888 --> 00:01:04,166
hadn't cornered the market.
30
00:01:04,190 --> 00:01:05,500
[chuckles]
31
00:01:05,524 --> 00:01:07,336
[car horns honking]
32
00:01:07,360 --> 00:01:08,837
Sorry. Sorry.
33
00:01:08,861 --> 00:01:11,039
♪ ♪
34
00:01:11,063 --> 00:01:12,841
[indistinct speech]
35
00:01:12,865 --> 00:01:14,443
What time were you born?
36
00:01:14,467 --> 00:01:15,944
I wanna look at your
birth chart to see
37
00:01:15,968 --> 00:01:18,513
what houses your planets are in.
38
00:01:18,537 --> 00:01:19,914
Don't know, but I can tell you
39
00:01:19,938 --> 00:01:21,716
what cities my houses are in
40
00:01:21,740 --> 00:01:23,718
uh, Vegas, Aspen, LA,
41
00:01:23,742 --> 00:01:25,119
Jackson Hole, Palm Beach,
42
00:01:25,143 --> 00:01:27,446
and if penthouses count, Dubai.
43
00:01:28,846 --> 00:01:31,226
Remind me, do you observe Lent?
44
00:01:31,250 --> 00:01:33,395
Absolutely not.
45
00:01:33,419 --> 00:01:35,053
Do you?
46
00:01:37,788 --> 00:01:39,329
Hi, honey, it's Josefina.
47
00:01:39,353 --> 00:01:40,902
Deborah took an Ambien
48
00:01:40,926 --> 00:01:43,438
but will text you
in the morning,
49
00:01:43,462 --> 00:01:46,641
or in the afternoon if
it was 20 milligrams.
50
00:01:46,665 --> 00:01:48,109
Good night.
51
00:01:48,133 --> 00:01:52,281
♪ ♪
52
00:01:52,305 --> 00:01:55,284
♪ Whenever I think of her ♪
53
00:01:55,308 --> 00:01:57,219
♪ ♪
54
00:01:57,243 --> 00:01:58,911
[dog snores]
55
00:02:01,646 --> 00:02:04,526
Hey, quiet on set. We're close.
56
00:02:04,550 --> 00:02:07,462
Hey, Deborah, I'm
Mark, the first AD.
57
00:02:07,486 --> 00:02:08,797
- Yeah.
- We're almost ready to go.
58
00:02:08,821 --> 00:02:10,360
We're just waiting
on the fountains.
59
00:02:10,384 --> 00:02:12,467
Can we get your stand-in
so you're out of the sun?
60
00:02:12,491 --> 00:02:14,269
Oh, no, it's fine, baby. I've
got an umbrella coming in.
61
00:02:14,293 --> 00:02:15,570
- Okay.
- Move it!
62
00:02:15,594 --> 00:02:16,695
[umbrella opens]
63
00:02:17,695 --> 00:02:19,908
[giggles] Hi.
64
00:02:19,932 --> 00:02:21,510
Hi.
- Thanks.
65
00:02:21,534 --> 00:02:23,312
So I bumped into the
booker for late night,
66
00:02:23,336 --> 00:02:25,780
and he said again how much
they'd love to have you on.
67
00:02:25,804 --> 00:02:27,015
Eh, no.
68
00:02:27,039 --> 00:02:28,317
I-I got too much going on.
69
00:02:28,341 --> 00:02:30,619
Really? Because
you did make time
70
00:02:30,643 --> 00:02:33,255
to do this ad for the
Vegas Chamber of Commerce.
71
00:02:33,279 --> 00:02:35,790
I love Vegas. I love commerce.
72
00:02:35,814 --> 00:02:37,559
Let's just pass on it for now.
73
00:02:37,583 --> 00:02:39,161
This is the fourth
time they've asked.
74
00:02:39,185 --> 00:02:40,829
And your special
was a year ago now.
75
00:02:40,853 --> 00:02:42,297
They're not gonna ask again,
76
00:02:42,321 --> 00:02:43,832
and I really think
this is the moment.
77
00:02:43,856 --> 00:02:45,434
- The answer is no.
- No means no, Jimmy.
78
00:02:45,458 --> 00:02:46,701
Get over it.
79
00:02:46,725 --> 00:02:48,170
I got you, girl.
80
00:02:48,194 --> 00:02:51,105
Okay, yes, but I need
you to explain why.
81
00:02:51,129 --> 00:02:52,774
- [sighs]
- I can't keep passing
82
00:02:52,798 --> 00:02:54,343
on something that I
think as your manager
83
00:02:54,367 --> 00:02:55,844
you should be doing.
84
00:02:55,868 --> 00:02:59,614
That's the show I
almost hosted, Jimmy.
85
00:02:59,638 --> 00:03:03,185
After my special, everybody
knows how badly I wanted that.
86
00:03:03,209 --> 00:03:06,087
So if I go on the
show and I don't kill
87
00:03:06,111 --> 00:03:08,122
it's like, you know, of
course she isn't hosting.
88
00:03:08,146 --> 00:03:10,659
She's not even a good guest.
89
00:03:10,683 --> 00:03:12,327
Oh.
90
00:03:12,351 --> 00:03:13,928
What?
91
00:03:13,952 --> 00:03:15,830
That's just kind of lame of you.
92
00:03:15,854 --> 00:03:17,232
[scoffs] Excuse me?
93
00:03:17,256 --> 00:03:19,168
Spicy boy.
94
00:03:19,192 --> 00:03:21,069
Deborah, of course
you're gonna kill.
95
00:03:21,093 --> 00:03:22,737
You always kill.
All you need to do
96
00:03:22,761 --> 00:03:24,639
is tell a good story, and
I bet you have binders
97
00:03:24,663 --> 00:03:27,476
full of amazing stories to tell.
98
00:03:27,500 --> 00:03:29,411
- Rolodexes.
- See? All right, you know,
99
00:03:29,435 --> 00:03:31,213
I'm just gonna tell 'em you're
gonna do it, unless you want me
100
00:03:31,237 --> 00:03:32,947
to offer them Vanna White
singing "We Are The World."
101
00:03:32,971 --> 00:03:34,783
In C flat. Do you
guys want to hear it?
102
00:03:34,807 --> 00:03:36,818
She sent me a voice
memo of the whole thing.
103
00:03:36,842 --> 00:03:38,687
Both: No.
104
00:03:38,711 --> 00:03:40,121
Fine, I'll do it.
105
00:03:40,145 --> 00:03:41,290
Tell them I'll do it. Both: Yes.
106
00:03:41,314 --> 00:03:42,691
Okay, this is a good decision
107
00:03:42,715 --> 00:03:44,393
that was very simple.
I'm glad we...
108
00:03:44,417 --> 00:03:45,394
- We're ready!
- Worked it out.
109
00:03:45,418 --> 00:03:46,595
Okay, we're ready.
110
00:03:46,619 --> 00:03:48,897
Break a leg, girl.
- Whoo!
111
00:03:48,921 --> 00:03:51,166
We're ready.
112
00:03:51,190 --> 00:03:53,668
- Background.
- Background!
113
00:03:53,692 --> 00:03:54,669
And action.
114
00:03:54,693 --> 00:03:56,671
The shopping!
115
00:03:56,695 --> 00:03:58,440
Cut.
116
00:03:58,464 --> 00:04:02,076
We got it. That is
a wrap on Deborah.
117
00:04:02,100 --> 00:04:03,978
- Hey, hey, eye.
- What? Are you okay?
118
00:04:04,002 --> 00:04:05,814
- Watch my eye. Yeah.
- Jimmy, where's the car?
119
00:04:05,838 --> 00:04:07,749
- It's right over here.
- Come here, queen.
120
00:04:07,773 --> 00:04:09,584
All right, we had
them double-park.
121
00:04:09,608 --> 00:04:13,588
♪ Love is not a
stranger anymore ♪
122
00:04:13,612 --> 00:04:16,715
[moaning, gasping]
123
00:04:25,991 --> 00:04:28,069
Okay, so Tripadvisor is...
124
00:04:28,093 --> 00:04:29,271
Oh, my God, can I just have...
125
00:04:29,295 --> 00:04:30,705
- Oh.
- Like, one second?
126
00:04:30,729 --> 00:04:32,165
Yeah, sorry.
127
00:04:36,334 --> 00:04:38,079
- [sighs]
- Okay, so Tripadvisor is...
128
00:04:38,103 --> 00:04:40,882
[laughter]
129
00:04:40,906 --> 00:04:43,352
Sorry, but if we want
to stay in a gligloo
130
00:04:43,376 --> 00:04:45,119
when we're in Iceland,
all the reviews are saying
131
00:04:45,143 --> 00:04:46,755
that we need to book now.
132
00:04:46,779 --> 00:04:48,056
A gligloo?
133
00:04:48,080 --> 00:04:49,591
- Glam igloo.
- Oh.
134
00:04:49,615 --> 00:04:51,326
- Could be chic.
- Mm-hmm.
135
00:04:51,350 --> 00:04:54,463
I know the show hasn't given
you your dates yet, but...
136
00:04:54,487 --> 00:04:56,331
Just book it.
137
00:04:56,355 --> 00:04:58,567
- Are you sure?
- Yeah.
138
00:04:58,591 --> 00:05:00,502
Let's do whatever you want.
139
00:05:00,526 --> 00:05:03,104
You're spending your whole
hiatus where I'm shooting.
140
00:05:03,128 --> 00:05:05,240
I'll tell them they
have to work around it,
141
00:05:05,264 --> 00:05:06,708
and they'll just have to deal.
142
00:05:06,732 --> 00:05:08,377
Okay.
143
00:05:08,401 --> 00:05:12,247
Very hot number-one-on-the-
call-sheet energy, baby.
144
00:05:12,271 --> 00:05:15,384
[laughter]
145
00:05:15,408 --> 00:05:16,918
♪ Oh, baby ♪
146
00:05:16,942 --> 00:05:19,388
♪ You got me ♪
147
00:05:19,412 --> 00:05:22,324
♪ Now that you're all alone ♪
148
00:05:22,348 --> 00:05:24,926
♪ Can't you see what
you're doing to me baby ♪
149
00:05:24,950 --> 00:05:26,295
♪ Oh, baby ♪
150
00:05:26,319 --> 00:05:27,962
[chattering]
- Deborah, right here.
151
00:05:27,986 --> 00:05:31,600
We've got Arnold, Carmen,
and Carmen's cousin.
152
00:05:31,624 --> 00:05:32,634
Arnold.
153
00:05:32,658 --> 00:05:33,802
Oh, my goodness.
154
00:05:33,826 --> 00:05:35,204
Oh, and the cousins are here.
155
00:05:35,228 --> 00:05:36,971
Hey, Deborah, looking gorgeous.
156
00:05:36,995 --> 00:05:38,773
Can you just write, to Kevin,
157
00:05:38,797 --> 00:05:41,810
congrats on your gastric bypass.
158
00:05:41,834 --> 00:05:44,413
- Hope this one sticks, honey.
- Oh, thank you so much.
159
00:05:44,437 --> 00:05:46,648
Deb, I found out our dogs
go to the same groomer.
160
00:05:46,672 --> 00:05:48,783
- What's this?
- It's a candle.
161
00:05:48,807 --> 00:05:50,118
This is two chins ago.
162
00:05:50,142 --> 00:05:51,119
I never would have
approved this.
163
00:05:51,143 --> 00:05:52,187
Where'd you get it?
164
00:05:52,211 --> 00:05:53,455
I bought it off of Etsy.
165
00:05:53,479 --> 00:05:54,956
Who the fuck is Betsy?
166
00:05:54,980 --> 00:05:56,891
No, Etsy, it's a website.
167
00:05:56,915 --> 00:05:58,693
There's a lot of
DV merch on there.
168
00:05:58,717 --> 00:06:00,795
I actually just bought a replica
169
00:06:00,819 --> 00:06:02,997
of your birth certificate.
170
00:06:03,021 --> 00:06:04,499
Damien!
171
00:06:04,523 --> 00:06:06,135
- I'm right here.
- Did you know about this?
172
00:06:06,159 --> 00:06:07,502
No.
173
00:06:07,526 --> 00:06:09,127
I'm taking this.
174
00:06:10,963 --> 00:06:14,008
She took my candle.
175
00:06:14,032 --> 00:06:15,677
[laughter]
176
00:06:15,701 --> 00:06:17,146
Let's call Grandma.
177
00:06:17,170 --> 00:06:18,547
[Clarence Reid's
"Miss Hot Stuff"]
178
00:06:18,571 --> 00:06:20,482
♪ Miss hot stuff ♪
179
00:06:20,506 --> 00:06:22,817
♪ I'm hot for you ♪
180
00:06:22,841 --> 00:06:24,186
♪ Miss hot stuff ♪
181
00:06:24,210 --> 00:06:25,354
♪ Yes ♪
182
00:06:25,378 --> 00:06:27,689
♪ I'm hot for you ♪
183
00:06:27,713 --> 00:06:29,224
[papers thud loudly]
184
00:06:29,248 --> 00:06:30,692
And what are these?
185
00:06:30,716 --> 00:06:32,561
These are websites
I printed out.
186
00:06:32,585 --> 00:06:34,829
Oh. Good?
187
00:06:34,853 --> 00:06:37,332
Do you know how many
sellers there are on Etsy
188
00:06:37,356 --> 00:06:40,068
making a profit off
my name and likeness?
189
00:06:40,092 --> 00:06:41,803
- I don't.
- Look at this first one.
190
00:06:41,827 --> 00:06:43,705
This is a throw pillow.
191
00:06:43,729 --> 00:06:46,975
Okay, it says, tax loopholes
are my love language.
192
00:06:46,999 --> 00:06:49,244
Now, that's true, but, I
mean, I didn't authorize this.
193
00:06:49,268 --> 00:06:50,640
Did you?
194
00:06:50,664 --> 00:06:52,481
No, but now I want this pillow.
195
00:06:52,505 --> 00:06:54,883
It's not funny, Marcus.
This needs to stop now.
196
00:06:54,907 --> 00:06:56,751
Okay, okay, I'll get on it.
197
00:06:56,775 --> 00:06:58,187
Look at this.
198
00:06:58,211 --> 00:06:59,721
It's a coffee cup that says,
199
00:06:59,745 --> 00:07:03,125
I'm so old, I went
apple picking with Eve.
200
00:07:03,149 --> 00:07:05,860
I mean, I like the joke,
but I hate that font.
201
00:07:05,884 --> 00:07:08,863
[funk music]
202
00:07:08,887 --> 00:07:14,887
♪ ♪
203
00:07:29,540 --> 00:07:31,386
[gasps]
204
00:07:31,410 --> 00:07:34,389
[soft music]
205
00:07:34,413 --> 00:07:40,413
♪ ♪
206
00:07:40,953 --> 00:07:43,422
Okay.
207
00:07:45,222 --> 00:07:48,102
[The 5th Dimension's
"Feelin' Alright?"]
208
00:07:48,126 --> 00:07:52,241
♪ I've got to leave
before I start to scream ♪
209
00:07:52,265 --> 00:07:54,143
[laughing]
210
00:07:54,167 --> 00:07:57,846
♪ Someone locked the
door and took the keys ♪
211
00:07:57,870 --> 00:08:03,318
♪ Are you feeling
all right? Uh-huh ♪
212
00:08:03,342 --> 00:08:06,155
♪ I ain't feeling
that good myself now ♪
213
00:08:06,179 --> 00:08:08,823
♪ Oh, no ♪
214
00:08:08,847 --> 00:08:10,949
♪ Feeling all right ♪
215
00:08:12,250 --> 00:08:13,628
Okay.
216
00:08:13,652 --> 00:08:15,597
This is your last
late night story.
217
00:08:15,621 --> 00:08:17,466
You've gone through
the whole Rolodex?
218
00:08:17,490 --> 00:08:21,069
Uh-huh. It's USO
debacle in Germany.
219
00:08:21,093 --> 00:08:22,937
That's a good one,
but that hinges
220
00:08:22,961 --> 00:08:24,906
on the Berlin Wall
still being erect.
221
00:08:24,930 --> 00:08:26,736
I just think you
do the other one,
222
00:08:26,760 --> 00:08:29,611
change Studio 54 to Buddha
Bar and Quaaludes to fentanyl.
223
00:08:29,635 --> 00:08:31,780
Oh, that is sad.
224
00:08:31,804 --> 00:08:33,682
Buddha Bar is no Studio 54.
225
00:08:33,706 --> 00:08:35,717
- Yeah, sure.
- God damn it.
226
00:08:35,741 --> 00:08:38,052
Martha Stewart is so
lucky she went to jail.
227
00:08:38,076 --> 00:08:39,854
I mean, that shit's evergreen.
228
00:08:39,878 --> 00:08:42,056
Why don't you tell
a more recent story?
229
00:08:42,080 --> 00:08:44,293
You can talk about your new
horsehair bed from Austria.
230
00:08:44,317 --> 00:08:46,060
Remember when we
thought it wouldn't fit
231
00:08:46,084 --> 00:08:48,197
through the window
but then it did?
232
00:08:48,221 --> 00:08:50,465
Yeah, very relatable.
233
00:08:50,489 --> 00:08:52,367
Are you sure you didn't
miss anything in there?
234
00:08:52,391 --> 00:08:53,835
Let me check.
235
00:08:53,859 --> 00:08:55,337
Did it, did it.
236
00:08:55,361 --> 00:08:59,040
Oh, Benihana's
with O.J. Simpson.
237
00:08:59,064 --> 00:09:01,943
No.
- Forget it.
238
00:09:01,967 --> 00:09:03,678
You know what?
239
00:09:03,702 --> 00:09:07,382
I'm going to make a new story.
240
00:09:07,406 --> 00:09:08,850
[knocking]
241
00:09:08,874 --> 00:09:12,187
[funky music]
242
00:09:12,211 --> 00:09:13,855
Scott Thompson?
243
00:09:13,879 --> 00:09:15,490
Carrot Top, yeah.
How can I help you?
244
00:09:15,514 --> 00:09:17,192
As you know, this
land has been zoned
245
00:09:17,216 --> 00:09:18,960
a historic environmental
preservation zone.
246
00:09:18,984 --> 00:09:20,629
We're going to
need you to vacate
247
00:09:20,653 --> 00:09:22,331
the premises immediately
so we can begin demolition.
248
00:09:22,355 --> 00:09:24,466
Demolition? What the fuck
are you talking about?
249
00:09:24,490 --> 00:09:25,634
Yes, sir. There was a
city council meeting
250
00:09:25,658 --> 00:09:27,469
where this was discussed.
251
00:09:27,493 --> 00:09:29,037
No one has ever discussed
anything with me about any...
252
00:09:29,061 --> 00:09:30,839
Please put whatever belongings
253
00:09:30,863 --> 00:09:32,207
will fit into this bag.
- Are you fucking kidding me?
254
00:09:32,231 --> 00:09:34,209
Demolition will
begin in 20 minutes.
255
00:09:34,233 --> 00:09:36,545
20 minutes? This is a joke.
256
00:09:36,569 --> 00:09:38,079
Mr. Top, we sent
several notices.
257
00:09:38,103 --> 00:09:39,748
You didn't send jack
shit, and I don't think
258
00:09:39,772 --> 00:09:41,383
you have the right
fucking house.
259
00:09:41,407 --> 00:09:43,218
See if you have the right
fucking house on there.
260
00:09:43,242 --> 00:09:45,720
- 1929 Chickasaw Way.
- God damn it!
261
00:09:45,744 --> 00:09:47,556
[whistles] [engine turning over]
262
00:09:47,580 --> 00:09:49,124
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
263
00:09:49,148 --> 00:09:51,626
Wait, no, stop,
you can't do this!
264
00:09:51,650 --> 00:09:55,897
Wait!
- [laughs]
265
00:09:55,921 --> 00:09:57,566
I got you. I got you.
266
00:09:57,590 --> 00:09:59,434
- Deborah?
- Oh, thanks so much.
267
00:09:59,458 --> 00:10:01,002
I needed a story for late night.
268
00:10:01,026 --> 00:10:03,272
This is going to play
like gangbusters.
269
00:10:03,296 --> 00:10:05,240
Do not have anything better
to do with your time?
270
00:10:05,264 --> 00:10:07,376
What the fuck is wrong with you?
271
00:10:07,400 --> 00:10:08,710
Oh, lighten up.
272
00:10:08,734 --> 00:10:10,279
What's wrong with me?
273
00:10:10,303 --> 00:10:11,841
What's wrong with
your landscaper?
274
00:10:11,865 --> 00:10:14,249
Look at this shrub. It's dead.
275
00:10:14,273 --> 00:10:15,950
I should take that out.
276
00:10:15,974 --> 00:10:18,052
Jesus. No, stop it.
277
00:10:18,076 --> 00:10:19,554
Stop, stop, stop!
278
00:10:19,578 --> 00:10:21,590
I fucking love that bush!
279
00:10:21,614 --> 00:10:27,614
♪ ♪
280
00:10:31,857 --> 00:10:33,302
Marcus.
281
00:10:33,326 --> 00:10:35,604
Ezekiel.
282
00:10:35,628 --> 00:10:38,072
So you're "DebbieTwoTon," huh?
283
00:10:38,096 --> 00:10:40,775
Mm-hmm.
284
00:10:40,799 --> 00:10:44,446
Ezekiel, do you
know what this is?
285
00:10:44,470 --> 00:10:46,981
- A candle.
- But who is on the candle?
286
00:10:47,005 --> 00:10:48,483
The greatest living
comedian of our time.
287
00:10:48,507 --> 00:10:50,084
You have a problem.
288
00:10:50,108 --> 00:10:52,086
First of all, this
candle is not soy based.
289
00:10:52,110 --> 00:10:53,455
That's going to be a dirty burn.
290
00:10:53,479 --> 00:10:55,089
Fuck.
291
00:10:55,113 --> 00:10:56,758
But your real problem
is that you're running
292
00:10:56,782 --> 00:10:58,693
an Etsy store selling
unauthorized merchandise.
293
00:10:58,717 --> 00:11:01,696
And my very litigious
business associate can sue you
294
00:11:01,720 --> 00:11:03,565
for trademark infringement.
295
00:11:03,589 --> 00:11:06,768
It would be an honor to be
in litigation with Deborah.
296
00:11:06,792 --> 00:11:09,671
And, also, I will not be
policed by some straight guy
297
00:11:09,695 --> 00:11:11,573
who doesn't get it because
he's not even a fan.
298
00:11:11,597 --> 00:11:12,674
I'm not straight.
299
00:11:12,698 --> 00:11:15,144
Prove it.
300
00:11:15,168 --> 00:11:18,780
And just so you know,
I am the original fan.
301
00:11:18,804 --> 00:11:21,115
I created the first
Deborah Vance merchandise.
302
00:11:21,139 --> 00:11:22,817
I am the original fan.
303
00:11:22,841 --> 00:11:24,753
I've seen every one of her
specials over 40 times.
304
00:11:24,777 --> 00:11:27,088
Okay. Then what was her most
well-attended overseas show?
305
00:11:27,112 --> 00:11:28,590
Stockholm '97. Her birthday.
306
00:11:28,614 --> 00:11:30,091
Her real birthday.
307
00:11:30,115 --> 00:11:31,626
Same day, two years
earlier. Bra size?
308
00:11:31,650 --> 00:11:33,128
None. She does custom.
309
00:11:33,152 --> 00:11:34,963
What's her favorite food
if calories don't count?
310
00:11:34,987 --> 00:11:36,798
Potatoes dauphinoise.
If calories do count?
311
00:11:36,822 --> 00:11:38,400
Endive salad, no croutons.
312
00:11:38,424 --> 00:11:39,801
Okay.
313
00:11:39,825 --> 00:11:41,069
What's her favorite snack?
314
00:11:41,093 --> 00:11:42,804
Ezekiel, that's
a trick question.
315
00:11:42,828 --> 00:11:44,539
Deborah Vance doesn't snack,
316
00:11:44,563 --> 00:11:46,040
but she's contractually
obligated to say
317
00:11:46,064 --> 00:11:47,509
both: Wheat Thins.
318
00:11:47,533 --> 00:11:49,878
- Are you as turned on as I am?
- No.
319
00:11:49,902 --> 00:11:52,347
You have 48 hours to fulfill
all outstanding orders,
320
00:11:52,371 --> 00:11:54,683
and then you will
shut this site down.
321
00:11:54,707 --> 00:11:56,885
I had no choice.
322
00:11:56,909 --> 00:12:00,189
I have always wanted a
Deborah Vance tour jacket,
323
00:12:00,213 --> 00:12:02,724
and they were always too small.
324
00:12:02,748 --> 00:12:05,860
So I made some in my size, and
they sold out within a day.
325
00:12:05,884 --> 00:12:08,363
There is a community
of people out there
326
00:12:08,387 --> 00:12:12,867
who are hungry for this
stuff, and I gave it to them.
327
00:12:12,891 --> 00:12:16,838
Then, naturally, I branched
out into unlicensed cookbooks,
328
00:12:16,862 --> 00:12:18,740
oven mitts, cell phone cases.
329
00:12:18,764 --> 00:12:21,210
You know, the more you talk,
the stronger my lawsuit gets.
330
00:12:21,234 --> 00:12:22,972
Okay, okay.
331
00:12:22,996 --> 00:12:26,181
But if I don't do it,
someone else will.
332
00:12:26,205 --> 00:12:28,550
[sighs] Good day, Ezekiel.
333
00:12:28,574 --> 00:12:34,323
♪ ♪
334
00:12:34,347 --> 00:12:37,091
[vocalizing]
335
00:12:37,115 --> 00:12:38,627
Here we go. Come on. Keep going.
336
00:12:38,651 --> 00:12:39,628
Nice.
337
00:12:39,652 --> 00:12:41,230
- Hey.
- Hey.
338
00:12:41,254 --> 00:12:43,432
Made you something. Matcha.
339
00:12:43,456 --> 00:12:45,234
Oh, thanks. Put it
over on the big tire.
340
00:12:45,258 --> 00:12:46,935
[panting]
341
00:12:46,959 --> 00:12:48,270
And time. [Device beeps]
342
00:12:48,294 --> 00:12:49,971
Good. Go right into squat jumps.
343
00:12:49,995 --> 00:12:51,540
Down, explode. Nice.
344
00:12:51,564 --> 00:12:53,975
So I was just thinking,
maybe we should get
345
00:12:53,999 --> 00:12:56,811
some new silverware.
346
00:12:56,835 --> 00:12:58,580
[panting] Yeah, sure.
347
00:12:58,604 --> 00:13:00,114
You have 15 seconds. Push.
348
00:13:00,138 --> 00:13:01,950
It's just that I
have my silverware,
349
00:13:01,974 --> 00:13:03,618
and you have your silverware,
350
00:13:03,642 --> 00:13:04,953
but I just thought
it would be nice
351
00:13:04,977 --> 00:13:06,955
if we had, like, our silverware.
352
00:13:06,979 --> 00:13:09,424
Yeah, sure. New silverware.
353
00:13:09,448 --> 00:13:11,226
Time. Nice. Back on the
rope. [device beeps]
354
00:13:11,250 --> 00:13:12,861
Back on the rope. Right to it.
355
00:13:12,885 --> 00:13:15,797
Okay. Enjoy your match a.
356
00:13:15,821 --> 00:13:17,532
Don't know why she's
doing all that.
357
00:13:17,556 --> 00:13:18,800
Perfect the way she is.
358
00:13:18,824 --> 00:13:22,637
Love you.
359
00:13:22,661 --> 00:13:24,105
And time. [Device beeps]
360
00:13:24,129 --> 00:13:27,036
[grunts]
361
00:13:27,060 --> 00:13:29,311
She has scoliosis. [Door opens]
362
00:13:29,335 --> 00:13:30,445
I know.
363
00:13:30,469 --> 00:13:31,880
Ready for the bike?
364
00:13:31,904 --> 00:13:33,882
I'm ready.
- Yeah.
365
00:13:33,906 --> 00:13:36,818
And then I told him we could
sue him if he didn't stop.
366
00:13:36,842 --> 00:13:38,953
Good. That should settle it.
367
00:13:38,977 --> 00:13:41,323
But then he said
something interesting.
368
00:13:41,347 --> 00:13:43,858
Basically, people were asking
him to make these products.
369
00:13:43,882 --> 00:13:45,960
He was only meeting a demand
that was already there.
370
00:13:45,984 --> 00:13:47,829
So?
371
00:13:47,853 --> 00:13:50,632
So I think we should bring
him in and the other sellers.
372
00:13:50,656 --> 00:13:52,167
They understand the
Deborah Vance marketplace,
373
00:13:52,191 --> 00:13:53,835
because they are
the marketplace.
374
00:13:53,859 --> 00:13:56,805
Oh, so we bring them in,
and then we sue them.
375
00:13:56,829 --> 00:13:58,207
No, no.
376
00:13:58,231 --> 00:14:00,342
We bring in the
independent creators,
377
00:14:00,366 --> 00:14:02,944
and we spotlight them on QVC.
378
00:14:02,968 --> 00:14:04,379
Listen, we've had
an amazing year.
379
00:14:04,403 --> 00:14:05,947
Your profile is raised,
380
00:14:05,971 --> 00:14:07,716
and that's been hugely
helpful for the company.
381
00:14:07,740 --> 00:14:09,518
But if we want to
really scale up,
382
00:14:09,542 --> 00:14:11,520
we've got to start branching
out and putting your stamp
383
00:14:11,544 --> 00:14:13,155
of approval on outside products,
384
00:14:13,179 --> 00:14:14,956
the way Oprah did with
her Favorite Things.
385
00:14:14,980 --> 00:14:16,825
- I like Oprah.
- Everyone does.
386
00:14:16,849 --> 00:14:19,828
But this would be a special
hour every week on QVC
387
00:14:19,852 --> 00:14:22,431
devoted to the House of Vance.
388
00:14:22,455 --> 00:14:25,767
And for every sale, we
get a cut, naturally.
389
00:14:25,791 --> 00:14:27,536
And after that, we sue them.
390
00:14:27,560 --> 00:14:29,671
Oh, Jesus, I'm kidding.
391
00:14:29,695 --> 00:14:31,706
But I'm afraid that
QVC might think
392
00:14:31,730 --> 00:14:33,308
we're diluting the brand.
393
00:14:33,332 --> 00:14:34,843
I mean, it could backfire.
394
00:14:34,867 --> 00:14:36,378
It won't.
395
00:14:36,402 --> 00:14:37,812
Trust me.
396
00:14:37,836 --> 00:14:39,314
Okay. [Chuckles]
397
00:14:39,338 --> 00:14:41,250
Let's pitch it on Monday's call.
398
00:14:41,274 --> 00:14:42,684
All right.
399
00:14:42,708 --> 00:14:45,854
[bright music]
400
00:14:45,878 --> 00:14:50,325
♪ ♪
401
00:14:50,349 --> 00:14:51,593
Hello.
402
00:14:51,617 --> 00:14:53,595
Yeah, mama.
403
00:14:53,619 --> 00:14:56,231
- So how you feeling?
- Really good.
404
00:14:56,255 --> 00:14:58,733
You were right. This is the
right moment to do this.
405
00:14:58,757 --> 00:15:00,169
- Definitely.
- It's going to kill.
406
00:15:00,193 --> 00:15:02,070
- All gold.
- Kill.
407
00:15:02,094 --> 00:15:03,872
- Is that hazelnut coffee?
- Yeah.
408
00:15:03,896 --> 00:15:06,941
- Yeah.
- Oh.
409
00:15:06,965 --> 00:15:08,743
And then I went right
over his shrubs.
410
00:15:08,767 --> 00:15:10,545
I guess you could say
I trimmed Carrot's top.
411
00:15:10,569 --> 00:15:11,913
[laughs]
- Fun.
412
00:15:11,937 --> 00:15:13,482
- Does that work?
- Yeah, that's fun.
413
00:15:13,506 --> 00:15:15,417
[knock at door]
- Hey, so, little problem.
414
00:15:15,441 --> 00:15:18,253
Danny's got salmonella
from the egg toss
415
00:15:18,277 --> 00:15:20,150
he did with Christiane
Amanpour yesterday.
416
00:15:20,174 --> 00:15:22,224
We have to cancel
and air a rerun.
417
00:15:22,248 --> 00:15:23,558
No. Oh.
418
00:15:23,582 --> 00:15:25,026
Really sorry, Deborah.
419
00:15:25,050 --> 00:15:27,095
Shit, I've got to
release the audience.
420
00:15:27,119 --> 00:15:29,159
Shit, will you guys
excuse me a minute?
421
00:15:29,183 --> 00:15:33,101
Wait, hey, um, what if
Deborah guest-hosts?
422
00:15:33,125 --> 00:15:34,903
I mean, Danny's a fan, right?
423
00:15:34,927 --> 00:15:37,872
And you know she'd be great.
She almost hosted herself.
424
00:15:37,896 --> 00:15:40,108
Would you?
425
00:15:40,132 --> 00:15:41,876
[scoffs] Yeah, I can do that.
426
00:15:41,900 --> 00:15:43,612
Okay.
427
00:15:43,636 --> 00:15:45,314
Um, I have to get approval
from Winnie Landell, but...
428
00:15:45,338 --> 00:15:47,482
Oh, my God, Winnie
Landell, I know her.
429
00:15:47,506 --> 00:15:49,451
We met in Montreal.
- Okay.
430
00:15:49,475 --> 00:15:51,153
Yeah, yeah.
431
00:15:51,177 --> 00:15:53,422
We're going to have to move
really fast if this is...
432
00:15:53,446 --> 00:15:54,956
Yeah, let's go.
Where are my writers?
433
00:15:54,980 --> 00:15:56,991
You made them wait
outside because they have
434
00:15:57,015 --> 00:15:59,161
hazelnut coffee breath.
435
00:15:59,185 --> 00:16:00,795
- Well, find some mints.
- Mints.
436
00:16:00,819 --> 00:16:02,497
We have a monologue to write.
437
00:16:02,521 --> 00:16:04,499
We're going to need a
guest for the second act.
438
00:16:04,523 --> 00:16:06,067
You know, let us help with that.
439
00:16:06,091 --> 00:16:07,101
We can help.
- Yeah, we can help with that.
440
00:16:07,125 --> 00:16:09,103
Get... get...
441
00:16:09,127 --> 00:16:11,773
♪ Give me some more of
that funky good loving ♪
442
00:16:11,797 --> 00:16:13,575
We have some pitches
that we think
443
00:16:13,599 --> 00:16:15,310
you're really going
to like, Deborah.
444
00:16:15,334 --> 00:16:17,746
Great, great. Okay. Well,
we don't have much time,
445
00:16:17,770 --> 00:16:19,248
so there's no such
thing as a bad idea.
446
00:16:19,272 --> 00:16:20,949
Let's hear them.
- John.
447
00:16:20,973 --> 00:16:23,051
So maybe an in-studio sketch
where you try not to set
448
00:16:23,075 --> 00:16:25,787
your desk on fire but can't.
- Uh-huh.
449
00:16:25,811 --> 00:16:27,389
Because of the whole, like,
burning-down-the-house thing.
450
00:16:27,413 --> 00:16:28,657
Yeah, I got it. I got it.
451
00:16:28,681 --> 00:16:30,559
Anything else?
452
00:16:30,583 --> 00:16:32,627
What about a desk piece where
you go through celebrities
453
00:16:32,651 --> 00:16:34,929
and guess their
favorite sex position?
454
00:16:34,953 --> 00:16:37,766
Like Daniel Radcliffe's
could be Dobby style.
455
00:16:37,790 --> 00:16:39,229
[chuckles]
- What?
456
00:16:39,253 --> 00:16:41,836
Like doggy style,
457
00:16:41,860 --> 00:16:43,672
but Dobby.
458
00:16:43,696 --> 00:16:45,840
So how long till we tape, again?
459
00:16:45,864 --> 00:16:47,609
About an hour.
460
00:16:47,633 --> 00:16:50,044
Yeah.
- Yeah.
461
00:16:50,068 --> 00:16:51,813
What if we put you
in a Lincoln hat,
462
00:16:51,837 --> 00:16:53,882
and you punch a sack of corn?
463
00:16:53,906 --> 00:16:55,850
No, no, no. I totally
get it. It's fine.
464
00:16:55,874 --> 00:16:57,852
We'll circle back.
Okay, all right, bye.
465
00:16:57,876 --> 00:16:59,654
Shit, she's in New York.
466
00:16:59,678 --> 00:17:02,224
- What about your mom?
- No.
467
00:17:02,248 --> 00:17:05,026
My mom's Deidre Hall
from "Days of Our Lives."
468
00:17:05,050 --> 00:17:06,795
Honestly, she's
always camera ready,
469
00:17:06,819 --> 00:17:08,397
but I'm not sure it's worth it.
470
00:17:08,421 --> 00:17:10,632
Oh, my God, Reese
Witherspoon, I love her.
471
00:17:10,656 --> 00:17:12,467
Do you have a connection to her?
472
00:17:12,491 --> 00:17:14,068
I feel like I do. I love her.
473
00:17:14,092 --> 00:17:15,504
I just said that.
474
00:17:15,528 --> 00:17:17,630
Someone needs to listen.
475
00:17:18,762 --> 00:17:20,642
What if you sing?
476
00:17:20,666 --> 00:17:23,612
You know, you could really show
off your musical-comedy chops.
477
00:17:23,636 --> 00:17:25,614
Musical comedy is an oxymoron.
478
00:17:25,638 --> 00:17:27,482
Yes, of course.
479
00:17:27,506 --> 00:17:29,117
What about a desk piece, and
we call "Deb-it or Credit."
480
00:17:29,141 --> 00:17:30,885
Good, good. So what is it?
481
00:17:30,909 --> 00:17:32,487
Oh, I don't know.
482
00:17:32,511 --> 00:17:34,856
I was just seeing if you
liked the title first.
483
00:17:34,880 --> 00:17:38,127
Oh, oh, you wear a wig, right?
484
00:17:38,151 --> 00:17:39,289
Yes.
485
00:17:39,313 --> 00:17:40,995
Maybe something with that?
486
00:17:41,019 --> 00:17:44,466
Something with wigs?
487
00:17:44,490 --> 00:17:46,067
Yeah.
488
00:17:46,091 --> 00:17:48,069
[phone buzzing]
489
00:17:48,093 --> 00:17:49,538
Hey.
490
00:17:49,562 --> 00:17:51,039
Yeah, hi, this is
going to be quick,
491
00:17:51,063 --> 00:17:53,107
because I don't have much time.
- Okay.
492
00:17:53,131 --> 00:17:55,410
Loving this energy.
Very "Bourne Identity."
493
00:17:55,434 --> 00:17:57,279
Well, listen, Danny
Collins is out sick.
494
00:17:57,303 --> 00:17:58,547
Oh, shit.
495
00:17:58,571 --> 00:18:00,182
But trimming Carrot Top's bush.
496
00:18:00,206 --> 00:18:02,083
Yeah, I know, I
know. But listen.
497
00:18:02,107 --> 00:18:04,753
I'm going to guest host.
And so that's happening.
498
00:18:04,777 --> 00:18:07,222
- Oh, my God, that's amazing.
- Yeah.
499
00:18:07,246 --> 00:18:10,525
We're throwing together a
show, like, right now, now.
500
00:18:10,549 --> 00:18:14,563
So would it be okay if I, uh,
501
00:18:14,587 --> 00:18:17,899
you know, asked you your
opinion about a joke?
502
00:18:17,923 --> 00:18:20,569
- Sure.
- Okay, thanks. How's this?
503
00:18:20,593 --> 00:18:21,936
Danny has salmonella.
504
00:18:21,960 --> 00:18:23,705
The good news is,
no one can directly
505
00:18:23,729 --> 00:18:26,007
connect me with the purchase
of any toxic chemicals.
506
00:18:26,031 --> 00:18:28,743
What about the good news is,
we're saving the network money
507
00:18:28,767 --> 00:18:30,579
'cause I only cost 80
cents on the dollar.
508
00:18:30,603 --> 00:18:31,946
[laughs] That's good.
509
00:18:31,970 --> 00:18:34,015
That's good. I like that.
510
00:18:34,039 --> 00:18:36,518
Well, I'm getting a lot
of texts here from my mom.
511
00:18:36,542 --> 00:18:38,019
She's wondering if she can get
a car and driver to the show
512
00:18:38,043 --> 00:18:39,388
and then keep it after.
513
00:18:39,412 --> 00:18:41,856
His mom has an incredible body.
514
00:18:41,880 --> 00:18:43,558
Kayla, I don't want
to hear that, though.
515
00:18:43,582 --> 00:18:45,093
- It's a compliment.
- Please.
516
00:18:45,117 --> 00:18:46,761
What? Perfect ass.
517
00:18:46,785 --> 00:18:48,897
Kayla, this is my mother
you're talking about.
518
00:18:48,921 --> 00:18:51,833
You're giving me a
bad taste in my mouth.
519
00:18:51,857 --> 00:18:53,568
Stop talking about my mom.
520
00:18:53,592 --> 00:18:55,103
Okay, sorry that I
complimented your mom's body.
521
00:18:55,127 --> 00:18:57,005
You never say anything
about my mom's body.
522
00:18:57,029 --> 00:18:58,607
It would be wildly
inappropriate if I did.
523
00:18:58,631 --> 00:19:00,008
Why would I talk about
your mother's body?
524
00:19:00,032 --> 00:19:01,576
She's cute.
525
00:19:01,600 --> 00:19:03,178
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
That would be funny.
526
00:19:03,202 --> 00:19:05,280
And... yes. And
for a desk piece.
527
00:19:05,304 --> 00:19:06,781
Oh, the visual.
528
00:19:06,805 --> 00:19:08,350
The visual would be great.
- Oh, my God.
529
00:19:08,374 --> 00:19:09,584
And then we could tag it with...
530
00:19:09,608 --> 00:19:11,186
[laughs] Yes, oh,
that's perfect.
531
00:19:11,210 --> 00:19:13,488
Yes. Oh, my God, that's
the perfect opener.
532
00:19:13,512 --> 00:19:14,880
Thank you.
533
00:19:17,281 --> 00:19:19,594
[sighs]
534
00:19:19,618 --> 00:19:23,332
Look, I know you
probably can't, but
535
00:19:23,356 --> 00:19:26,359
it'd be so much easier
if you just came here.
536
00:19:28,526 --> 00:19:31,306
Hello? [Line beeps]
537
00:19:31,330 --> 00:19:33,427
[sighs]
538
00:19:35,400 --> 00:19:38,408
Sorry. Lost service
in the elevator.
539
00:19:38,432 --> 00:19:40,915
Okay. So, yeah, I think
that works for the opener,
540
00:19:40,939 --> 00:19:42,951
but then I think you got to
go right into the Danny stuff.
541
00:19:42,975 --> 00:19:44,586
Okay. Yeah, you're right,
you're right, you're right.
542
00:19:44,610 --> 00:19:46,155
Okay, but the poison
line, is that too lateral?
543
00:19:46,179 --> 00:19:47,689
No, no, I don't think
you need it at all.
544
00:19:47,713 --> 00:19:50,325
Okay, last question
before she agrees.
545
00:19:50,349 --> 00:19:51,421
Does the hair and
makeup department
546
00:19:51,445 --> 00:19:52,527
use cruelty-free products?
547
00:19:52,551 --> 00:19:53,695
I mean, I'll ask.
548
00:19:53,719 --> 00:19:55,063
I'm just going to get her here.
549
00:19:55,087 --> 00:19:56,165
I'll figure it out.
- Guess what.
550
00:19:56,189 --> 00:19:57,366
What?
551
00:19:57,390 --> 00:19:59,000
We do not have to worry anymore.
552
00:19:59,024 --> 00:20:00,169
We don't need a guest.
Deborah figured it out.
553
00:20:00,193 --> 00:20:01,903
Well, what's the idea?
554
00:20:01,927 --> 00:20:03,338
She did not tell me. She
actually said to get away.
555
00:20:03,362 --> 00:20:04,539
So... [laughs]
556
00:20:04,563 --> 00:20:06,141
But I think it's
going to be good.
557
00:20:06,165 --> 00:20:07,842
We don't need to
worry. [Phone buzzes]
558
00:20:07,866 --> 00:20:09,344
Well, this is going to
suck. Would you excuse me?
559
00:20:09,368 --> 00:20:11,079
Hey, Mommy.
560
00:20:11,103 --> 00:20:13,915
Yeah, it turns out they do
test on animals, big-time.
561
00:20:13,939 --> 00:20:15,974
I know.
562
00:20:17,842 --> 00:20:20,189
She said Kinos only.
No LEDs. 2,900 Kelvin.
563
00:20:20,213 --> 00:20:21,423
And move "A" camera
30 degrees clockwise
564
00:20:21,447 --> 00:20:22,991
so we get more of her good side.
565
00:20:23,015 --> 00:20:24,559
And do you have any
copper-colored lav mics?
566
00:20:24,583 --> 00:20:26,295
If not, I'm going to need
a can of spray paint.
567
00:20:26,319 --> 00:20:28,062
♪ ♪
568
00:20:28,086 --> 00:20:30,031
Hanging there,
sweetheart, to the right.
569
00:20:30,055 --> 00:20:31,700
You see it hanging
there? The pink.
570
00:20:31,724 --> 00:20:32,867
The pink.
571
00:20:32,891 --> 00:20:34,503
Perfect, perfect, perfect.
572
00:20:34,527 --> 00:20:36,805
Good evening. How's
everyone doing tonight?
573
00:20:36,829 --> 00:20:38,340
Good, good.
574
00:20:38,364 --> 00:20:39,708
Sorry, I think you got
to make that bigger.
575
00:20:39,732 --> 00:20:41,410
Yeah.
576
00:20:41,434 --> 00:20:44,203
Yeah, her text font is, like,
double the size of that.
577
00:20:46,003 --> 00:20:47,382
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
578
00:20:47,406 --> 00:20:49,151
These are going to
block her good side.
579
00:20:49,175 --> 00:20:51,644
I need those on the back
wall. Small ones over there.
580
00:20:53,511 --> 00:20:55,023
Okay.
581
00:20:55,047 --> 00:20:57,126
Are you ready to be
the best audience
582
00:20:57,150 --> 00:20:59,428
late night has ever heard?
583
00:20:59,452 --> 00:21:02,397
[cheers and applause]
584
00:21:02,421 --> 00:21:05,400
[soft music]
585
00:21:05,424 --> 00:21:09,037
♪ ♪
586
00:21:09,061 --> 00:21:12,198
[sighs]
587
00:21:16,634 --> 00:21:19,080
[warm-up comic
speaks indistinctly]
588
00:21:19,104 --> 00:21:21,940
[cheers and applause]
589
00:21:23,574 --> 00:21:25,920
Ladies and gentleman,
please welcome your host,
590
00:21:25,944 --> 00:21:27,422
Deborah Vance!
591
00:21:27,446 --> 00:21:30,425
[upbeat music]
592
00:21:30,449 --> 00:21:33,523
♪ ♪
593
00:21:33,547 --> 00:21:35,364
Thank you.
594
00:21:35,388 --> 00:21:38,267
♪ ♪
595
00:21:38,291 --> 00:21:40,935
- Colors look amazing.
- Thank you so much.
596
00:21:40,959 --> 00:21:43,533
As you might know, Danny
is out with a health issue.
597
00:21:43,557 --> 00:21:45,073
And out of respect
for his privacy,
598
00:21:45,097 --> 00:21:46,875
I can't say much more than that.
599
00:21:46,899 --> 00:21:48,943
But should you experience
an erection lasting longer
600
00:21:48,967 --> 00:21:51,079
than six hours, this
is a medical emergency,
601
00:21:51,103 --> 00:21:52,814
and you should consult a doctor.
602
00:21:52,838 --> 00:21:55,450
[laughter]
603
00:21:55,474 --> 00:21:57,352
[cheers and applause]
604
00:21:57,376 --> 00:22:00,489
I recently found out there's
a group of people on Etsy
605
00:22:00,513 --> 00:22:04,659
who are selling knockoff
Deborah Vance merchandise
606
00:22:04,683 --> 00:22:06,661
with things I supposedly said
607
00:22:06,685 --> 00:22:10,199
printed on them, which leads
us to a segment I like to call,
608
00:22:10,223 --> 00:22:13,034
Did I Say It?
[Cheers and applause]
609
00:22:13,058 --> 00:22:15,170
A poster that says,
"I may love jewelry,
610
00:22:15,194 --> 00:22:17,939
but a ring has no place
on my coffee table."
611
00:22:17,963 --> 00:22:20,442
Do you think I said
it? Crowd: Yes!
612
00:22:20,466 --> 00:22:23,612
[bell ringing]
- Yes, I did, right before
613
00:22:23,636 --> 00:22:26,181
a friendship-ending
argument with Nancy Reagan.
614
00:22:26,205 --> 00:22:29,784
[laughter and applause]
615
00:22:29,808 --> 00:22:31,486
So good.
616
00:22:31,510 --> 00:22:34,356
We are down a guest, but
I'm going to fix that.
617
00:22:34,380 --> 00:22:35,524
[whistling]
618
00:22:35,548 --> 00:22:37,126
You sir, you.
619
00:22:37,150 --> 00:22:39,994
Fourth row. Yes, you,
you. Yeah. Come here.
620
00:22:40,018 --> 00:22:43,031
[cheers and applause]
621
00:22:43,055 --> 00:22:44,833
So what do you do for work?
622
00:22:44,857 --> 00:22:47,001
I'm actually a TSA agent.
623
00:22:47,025 --> 00:22:49,599
Okay, that's all the time we
have, ladies and gentlemen.
624
00:22:49,623 --> 00:22:51,673
[laughter, rim shot] No,
I'm kidding, I'm kidding.
625
00:22:51,697 --> 00:22:54,343
You must find some weird
stuff in people's suitcases.
626
00:22:54,367 --> 00:22:55,710
It's kind of X rated.
627
00:22:55,734 --> 00:22:57,646
Oh, now you have to tell us.
628
00:22:57,670 --> 00:22:59,148
Come on.
629
00:22:59,172 --> 00:23:00,682
A few years ago,
630
00:23:00,706 --> 00:23:02,384
this guy went through
the metal detector.
631
00:23:02,408 --> 00:23:04,353
I guess he was wearing a
632
00:23:04,377 --> 00:23:05,887
can I say "cuck cage" on TV?
633
00:23:05,911 --> 00:23:08,557
[laughter]
634
00:23:08,581 --> 00:23:10,925
Well, Lance, I
think you just did.
635
00:23:10,949 --> 00:23:12,494
What on Earth is that?
636
00:23:12,518 --> 00:23:16,698
It's like a metal cage
that goes on a man's...
637
00:23:16,722 --> 00:23:19,268
- TSA wand.
- Yes.
638
00:23:19,292 --> 00:23:22,837
And you can only take
it off with a key.
639
00:23:22,861 --> 00:23:24,439
But his wife had the key.
640
00:23:24,463 --> 00:23:27,108
- And where was she?
- In Miami.
641
00:23:27,132 --> 00:23:30,111
[laughter]
642
00:23:30,135 --> 00:23:33,047
Hey. Don't you need to get
back to your actual job?
643
00:23:33,071 --> 00:23:34,849
Oh, my God. Fuck. Shit.
644
00:23:34,873 --> 00:23:36,646
I'm supposed to get them coffee.
645
00:23:36,670 --> 00:23:37,819
Mm.
646
00:23:37,843 --> 00:23:40,021
So, according to these cards,
647
00:23:40,045 --> 00:23:42,257
you broke your hand
training for the film?
648
00:23:42,281 --> 00:23:43,725
Yeah.
649
00:23:43,749 --> 00:23:45,427
Actually, it's an
interesting story.
650
00:23:45,451 --> 00:23:46,895
Okay, I'm going to
stop you right there.
651
00:23:46,919 --> 00:23:48,530
Are you just bored
to tears from having
652
00:23:48,554 --> 00:23:49,998
to tell this story over
and over and over again
653
00:23:50,022 --> 00:23:51,500
to the press and make
it sound natural?
654
00:23:51,524 --> 00:23:52,701
You're going to
get me in trouble.
655
00:23:52,725 --> 00:23:54,403
[laughs]
656
00:23:54,427 --> 00:23:56,171
I told that so many times,
I said it in my sleep
657
00:23:56,195 --> 00:23:57,439
and woke my girlfriend up.
658
00:23:57,463 --> 00:23:59,508
Well, she gets to
sleep with you,
659
00:23:59,532 --> 00:24:01,176
so she doesn't get to complain.
660
00:24:01,200 --> 00:24:04,146
Oh, come on, it's not
a Me Too if I do it!
661
00:24:04,170 --> 00:24:05,647
[laughter]
662
00:24:05,671 --> 00:24:07,482
No, but, seriously,
look at those arms.
663
00:24:07,506 --> 00:24:10,152
How much can you bench?
- Uh, bench... 300, 310 pounds.
664
00:24:10,176 --> 00:24:11,886
What? No. Prove it.
665
00:24:11,910 --> 00:24:13,655
Bench-press me.
666
00:24:13,679 --> 00:24:17,392
[cheers and applause]
667
00:24:17,416 --> 00:24:18,627
Shut up!
668
00:24:18,651 --> 00:24:21,263
Brad! Give it up for Brad!
669
00:24:21,287 --> 00:24:23,398
Whoo!
670
00:24:23,422 --> 00:24:26,592
Thank you, thank you.
671
00:24:28,393 --> 00:24:29,738
Thank you so much,
every one of you,
672
00:24:29,762 --> 00:24:31,573
for making it so special.
673
00:24:31,597 --> 00:24:33,442
Danny, thank you for loaning
me the chair for the night.
674
00:24:33,466 --> 00:24:35,244
He will be back tomorrow.
675
00:24:35,268 --> 00:24:39,113
All of you, thank
you, and good night.
676
00:24:39,137 --> 00:24:41,450
You were great.
677
00:24:41,474 --> 00:24:44,453
[upbeat music playing]
678
00:24:44,477 --> 00:24:48,056
♪ ♪
679
00:24:48,080 --> 00:24:49,424
Phenomenal.
680
00:24:49,448 --> 00:24:50,992
That guy was, like, really cute.
681
00:24:51,016 --> 00:24:52,722
- That was really good.
- Should I call him?
682
00:24:52,746 --> 00:24:54,496
She was great.
Unbelievably great.
683
00:24:54,520 --> 00:24:55,997
So good.
684
00:24:56,021 --> 00:24:58,133
[indistinct chatter]
685
00:24:58,157 --> 00:25:01,136
Thanks. Thank you.
686
00:25:01,160 --> 00:25:03,071
Oh, my God, Deborah.
687
00:25:03,095 --> 00:25:06,308
That was... I mean,
what an incredible show.
688
00:25:06,332 --> 00:25:08,377
- Thanks. Thanks.
- You were just unbelievable.
689
00:25:08,401 --> 00:25:11,613
Thank you.
- Ah. Whew.
690
00:25:11,637 --> 00:25:14,048
Is it okay if I just
hang here for a minute?
691
00:25:14,072 --> 00:25:15,517
Oh, yeah, yeah, take your time.
692
00:25:15,541 --> 00:25:17,519
I'll see you backstage.
- Absolutely.
693
00:25:17,543 --> 00:25:21,323
[indistinct chatter]
694
00:25:21,347 --> 00:25:24,082
[lights click]
695
00:25:25,650 --> 00:25:28,597
[soft music]
696
00:25:28,621 --> 00:25:34,621
♪ ♪
697
00:25:46,737 --> 00:25:49,151
[cheers and applause]
698
00:25:49,175 --> 00:25:51,886
[upbeat music playing]
699
00:25:51,910 --> 00:25:55,013
[phone buzzing]
700
00:25:57,749 --> 00:25:59,228
Hi.
701
00:25:59,252 --> 00:26:01,396
You were right about
that last monologue joke.
702
00:26:01,420 --> 00:26:02,997
It killed.
- Told you so.
703
00:26:03,021 --> 00:26:04,733
And you did a
shockingly good job
704
00:26:04,757 --> 00:26:06,235
not kink-shaming cuck cages.
705
00:26:06,259 --> 00:26:07,536
Oh, I got another
call. [Line beeping]
706
00:26:07,560 --> 00:26:08,770
Yeah. I'm going to take this.
707
00:26:08,794 --> 00:26:10,405
Can you...
- Yeah, sure.
708
00:26:10,429 --> 00:26:12,040
Hello.
709
00:26:12,064 --> 00:26:13,775
Deborah, it's Danny Collins.
710
00:26:13,799 --> 00:26:15,744
Hey. How are you feeling?
711
00:26:15,768 --> 00:26:17,612
Oh, not bad.
712
00:26:17,636 --> 00:26:19,113
In between having my
last rites read to me,
713
00:26:19,137 --> 00:26:20,615
I saw the show. You
did a hell of a job.
714
00:26:20,639 --> 00:26:22,517
Thank you.
715
00:26:22,541 --> 00:26:24,018
Seriously, you were having
so much fun up there.
716
00:26:24,042 --> 00:26:25,754
Yeah, well, it's a fun gig.
717
00:26:25,778 --> 00:26:27,556
Eh, at first.
718
00:26:27,580 --> 00:26:29,424
At this point, I'm
basically on cruise control.
719
00:26:29,448 --> 00:26:32,026
Between you and me and
my wife's divorce lawyer,
720
00:26:32,050 --> 00:26:34,129
I'm leaving when my contract
is up in a few months.
721
00:26:34,153 --> 00:26:35,764
Oh?
722
00:26:35,788 --> 00:26:37,732
It'll be some other
guy's show soon.
723
00:26:37,756 --> 00:26:39,434
Anyway, I just wanted to say
thank you for stepping up.
724
00:26:39,458 --> 00:26:41,336
Oh, my pleasure. Anytime.
725
00:26:41,360 --> 00:26:43,272
[chuckles] Thanks
for calling, Danny.
726
00:26:43,296 --> 00:26:45,106
- Love you, Deborah.
- Okay.
727
00:26:45,130 --> 00:26:47,176
Bye.
728
00:26:47,200 --> 00:26:49,077
Ava.
729
00:26:49,101 --> 00:26:51,346
Yeah, that was definitely an
I'll-call-you-back situation.
730
00:26:51,370 --> 00:26:53,014
I know, I know, I'm sorry.
731
00:26:53,038 --> 00:26:54,844
Listen, you said you
have a hiatus coming up
732
00:26:54,868 --> 00:26:56,251
from your show, right?
733
00:26:56,275 --> 00:26:58,387
How long is it?
- Uh, three months.
734
00:26:58,411 --> 00:27:00,045
Do you have any plans?
735
00:27:04,448 --> 00:27:06,695
- Hey.
- Hey.
736
00:27:06,719 --> 00:27:09,231
I was thinking, do you think
it just makes more sense
737
00:27:09,255 --> 00:27:11,233
if I visit for, like, a weekend,
738
00:27:11,257 --> 00:27:12,834
since you'll be working so much?
739
00:27:12,858 --> 00:27:14,969
- What?
- Yeah.
740
00:27:14,993 --> 00:27:18,072
Um, this, uh... this
work thing came up.
741
00:27:18,096 --> 00:27:21,176
Shit. I mean, that's totally
fine if it's for work.
742
00:27:21,200 --> 00:27:22,511
Is it for the show?
743
00:27:22,535 --> 00:27:27,081
You know what?
It's actually, um,
744
00:27:27,105 --> 00:27:28,950
for Deborah.
745
00:27:28,974 --> 00:27:31,186
- Are you serious?
- I know. I know.
746
00:27:31,210 --> 00:27:34,156
But listen, they're
replacing the late show host,
747
00:27:34,180 --> 00:27:36,691
and I think she has
a real shot at it.
748
00:27:36,715 --> 00:27:39,294
She asked me to help
her just on my hiatus.
749
00:27:39,318 --> 00:27:42,131
But you'll be working
so much, right?
750
00:27:42,155 --> 00:27:44,933
So this could be good.
- Good for who?
751
00:27:44,957 --> 00:27:46,335
It's just for a couple months.
752
00:27:46,359 --> 00:27:47,936
I don't care how long it's for.
753
00:27:47,960 --> 00:27:49,938
I mean, she fired you
and then cut you off.
754
00:27:49,962 --> 00:27:51,473
That's fucked up.
755
00:27:51,497 --> 00:27:53,342
You couldn't stop talking
about it for months,
756
00:27:53,366 --> 00:27:54,904
about how unhealthy it was.
757
00:27:54,928 --> 00:27:57,078
And now we're finally
in a good place.
758
00:27:57,102 --> 00:27:58,847
It makes me feel like you're
more serious about her
759
00:27:58,871 --> 00:28:01,616
than you are about your
job, our life here, me.
760
00:28:01,640 --> 00:28:03,818
What? What are
you talking about?
761
00:28:03,842 --> 00:28:05,520
I'm so serious about you.
762
00:28:05,544 --> 00:28:08,080
I mean, we're getting married.
763
00:28:09,280 --> 00:28:10,525
- What?
- What?
764
00:28:10,549 --> 00:28:12,294
I found the ring, okay?
765
00:28:12,318 --> 00:28:14,796
Ava, what are you talking about?
766
00:28:14,820 --> 00:28:16,631
Oh.
767
00:28:16,655 --> 00:28:18,032
Ava.
768
00:28:18,056 --> 00:28:19,901
Here.
769
00:28:19,925 --> 00:28:22,671
Ask me. I'll say yes.
770
00:28:22,695 --> 00:28:24,473
- Oh, my God.
- Or I can ask you.
771
00:28:24,497 --> 00:28:27,409
We're gay. There are no rules.
772
00:28:27,433 --> 00:28:29,211
- Oh, my God.
- Ruby Rojas
773
00:28:29,235 --> 00:28:31,346
from the first time I saw
you at Little Dom's...
774
00:28:31,370 --> 00:28:33,748
Oh, my God, Ava, stop.
Stop. Okay, stop.
775
00:28:33,772 --> 00:28:37,586
[sighs] This ring
is from the show.
776
00:28:37,610 --> 00:28:39,921
This is how Wolf
Girl gets her powers.
777
00:28:39,945 --> 00:28:41,923
I have it here to help
me get into character.
778
00:28:41,947 --> 00:28:43,792
And I have to wear
it to practice
779
00:28:43,816 --> 00:28:45,284
while I'm wielding the flail.
780
00:28:49,621 --> 00:28:51,300
Huh.
781
00:28:51,324 --> 00:28:52,734
I'm gonna stand up.
782
00:28:52,758 --> 00:28:54,669
I knew you didn't read
the graphic novel.
783
00:28:54,693 --> 00:28:57,172
I don't know how to
follow the fucking boxes.
784
00:28:57,196 --> 00:28:59,374
Wait. You want to get married?
785
00:28:59,398 --> 00:29:01,009
- I thought so.
- You thought so?
786
00:29:01,033 --> 00:29:02,972
- I misunderstood.
- Uh-huh.
787
00:29:02,996 --> 00:29:05,180
Listen, this has gotten
completely out of hand.
788
00:29:05,204 --> 00:29:06,976
- Yeah.
- And I'm sorry about the trip.
789
00:29:07,000 --> 00:29:08,517
I'm sorry I just proposed.
790
00:29:08,541 --> 00:29:10,319
But it's different this time.
791
00:29:10,343 --> 00:29:12,053
I'm just going to be working
with her temporarily.
792
00:29:12,077 --> 00:29:14,289
You're not going to
be working with her.
793
00:29:14,313 --> 00:29:15,757
You're going to be
working for her.
794
00:29:15,781 --> 00:29:17,626
You'll always be
working for her.
795
00:29:17,650 --> 00:29:19,228
You're making this
such a bigger deal
796
00:29:19,252 --> 00:29:20,962
than it needs to be.
797
00:29:20,986 --> 00:29:22,764
You're canceling our plans
to go work with someone
798
00:29:22,788 --> 00:29:24,899
who was borderline abusive
because she might get a job.
799
00:29:24,923 --> 00:29:28,069
Look, I know that you
respect this person.
800
00:29:28,093 --> 00:29:30,405
And I know you're proud of
the work you did together,
801
00:29:30,429 --> 00:29:32,574
but it was also really hard,
802
00:29:32,598 --> 00:29:34,776
and not just when she fired you
803
00:29:34,800 --> 00:29:36,378
the whole time.
804
00:29:36,402 --> 00:29:38,413
She slapped you. She sued you.
805
00:29:38,437 --> 00:29:39,981
You said she was toxic.
806
00:29:40,005 --> 00:29:41,983
I said that stuff
when I was mad at her.
807
00:29:42,007 --> 00:29:43,985
I'm so sorry. You
just don't get it.
808
00:29:44,009 --> 00:29:46,955
[scoffs]
809
00:29:46,979 --> 00:29:48,923
Yeah.
810
00:29:48,947 --> 00:29:51,020
I guess I don't get it.
811
00:29:51,044 --> 00:29:53,352
Fuck.
812
00:29:54,953 --> 00:29:56,965
[inhales deeply]
813
00:29:56,989 --> 00:29:58,867
I think we need to
take some space.
814
00:29:58,891 --> 00:30:00,269
What? No.
815
00:30:00,293 --> 00:30:02,204
Come on. [Scoffs]
816
00:30:02,228 --> 00:30:03,638
Yeah.
817
00:30:03,662 --> 00:30:06,141
I'll, um, I'll go
to Iceland alone.
818
00:30:06,165 --> 00:30:09,038
And, um
819
00:30:09,062 --> 00:30:11,413
you do your thing.
820
00:30:11,437 --> 00:30:15,083
And we'll see where
we're at when we're back
821
00:30:15,107 --> 00:30:17,519
if you're back.
822
00:30:17,543 --> 00:30:19,321
- Ruby.
- No.
823
00:30:19,345 --> 00:30:21,290
Are you serious?
824
00:30:21,314 --> 00:30:24,193
[cover of Steely
Dan's "Dirty Work"]
825
00:30:24,217 --> 00:30:30,217
♪ ♪
826
00:30:56,247 --> 00:30:57,826
♪ Times are hard ♪
827
00:30:57,850 --> 00:31:01,029
♪ You're afraid to pay the fee ♪
828
00:31:01,053 --> 00:31:03,798
♪ So you find
yourself somebody ♪
829
00:31:03,822 --> 00:31:07,602
♪ Who can do the job for free ♪
830
00:31:07,626 --> 00:31:09,371
[doorbell rings]
831
00:31:09,395 --> 00:31:12,674
♪ When you need
a bit of lovin' ♪
832
00:31:12,698 --> 00:31:15,043
♪ 'Cause your man
is out of town ♪
833
00:31:15,067 --> 00:31:17,179
♪ That's the time... ♪
834
00:31:17,203 --> 00:31:19,814
- Welcome back.
- [laughs]
835
00:31:19,838 --> 00:31:22,884
♪ And you know I'll be around ♪
836
00:31:22,908 --> 00:31:24,553
Shoes off.
837
00:31:24,577 --> 00:31:28,323
♪ I'm a fool to do
your dirty work ♪
838
00:31:28,347 --> 00:31:30,492
♪ Oh, yeah ♪
839
00:31:30,516 --> 00:31:35,096
{\an8}♪ I don't want to
do your dirty work ♪
840
00:31:35,120 --> 00:31:37,699
{\an8}♪ No more ♪
841
00:31:37,723 --> 00:31:41,403
{\an8}♪ I'm a fool to do
your dirty work ♪
842
00:31:41,427 --> 00:31:44,239
{\an8}♪ Oh, yeah ♪
843
00:31:44,263 --> 00:31:48,109
{\an8}♪ I don't want to
do your dirty work ♪
844
00:31:48,133 --> 00:31:50,812
{\an8}♪ No more ♪
845
00:31:50,836 --> 00:31:54,349
{\an8}♪ I'm a fool to do
your dirty work ♪
846
00:31:54,373 --> 00:31:56,518
{\an8}♪ Oh, yeah ♪
847
00:31:56,542 --> 00:32:02,542
{\an8}♪ ♪
848
00:32:22,867 --> 00:32:26,581
{\an8}♪ I'm a fool to do
your dirty work ♪
849
00:32:26,605 --> 00:32:29,384
{\an8}♪ Oh, yeah ♪
850
00:32:29,408 --> 00:32:33,388
{\an8}♪ I don't want to
do your dirty work ♪
851
00:32:33,412 --> 00:32:36,158
{\an8}♪ No more ♪
852
00:32:36,182 --> 00:32:39,994
{\an8}♪ I don't want to
do your dirty work ♪
853
00:32:40,018 --> 00:32:42,397
{\an8}♪ No more ♪
854
00:32:42,421 --> 00:32:46,168
{\an8}♪ I'm a fool to do
your dirty work ♪
855
00:32:46,192 --> 00:32:48,570
{\an8}♪ Oh, yeah ♪
856
00:32:48,594 --> 00:32:50,696
{\an8}♪ I don't want... ♪
61144
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