Original subtitles

We're teetering on the edge of the social ladder.

You two should come to my party tomorrow.

You're gay. - Excuse me?

- Liam thinks I'm a lesbian.

Let's elect them homecoming queens!

Maybe we should see how this plays out.

We're not gay.

- Way to sell it.

- � No relief

� we endlessly creep

- what about your girlfriend?

- She's not my girlfriend.

- � No sleep

�

� I like the belief

- What, do I have eye boogers?

�

- � no relief

we could stop right now if you want.

- � We endlessly creep

�

� no sleep

Aah! What the are you doing?

What the are you doing in my room?

- Measuring.

Turns out it's 37 square feet bigger than mine,

which means I want it.

I'm petty that way.

Yeah, right. Keep huffing your hair spray.

I admire that move you made at the homecoming assembly.

That kiss convinced all of those idiots

at our hippie commune of a high school

that you and karma are vag-etarians,

but you stole my crown, and now I want your room.

Or else.

- Or else what?

Lord, watch over farrah today as she talks to her boss

about moving from weather to news,

and may she finally be respected

for that beautiful mind you gave her

and not just those beautiful boobs.

We thank you for them, lord, and for this food.

Amen.

- Amen.

Honey, slow down.

You have plenty of time to get ready.

She is ready.

But thanks for the ego boost.

- Amy, I'm sorry,

but you have such gorgeous hair,

and you just let it hang there limp.

And those look like a homeless man's pajamas.

Why don't you wear that cute skirt I bought you?

- I think she looks great.

You know, it takes a strong woman to wear pants every day.

- What's that supposed to mean?

Nothing. I don't know.

Never mind.

Hey there, my little show pony.

How did that homecoming election go?

Yes.

Should we start calling you "your highness,"

because we would.

Would you believe we lost to a pair of lesbians?

Now, honey, there's no reason to call them names

just 'cause they beat you.

I raised you better than that.

I'm not, daddy. We lost to two girls.

I told you, the public school system

in this town is broken.

We should have never put that man in the white house.

Marriage is one thing, but homecoming?

When does it stop?

- Good question, farrah.

When?

On a completely unrelated topic,

did Amy tell you?

We're switching rooms.

- Oh.

That little bitch is threatening

to tell my mom I'm a lesbian.

We have to break up and shut this down.

We just came out as a couple yesterday.

It'll give people whiplash.

How long do we have to keep this up?

Only until our celebrity status

at hester high is cemented.

Karma, we're the school's first lesbian couple.

We're legends.

Yes, but if we don't play this right,

we could end up like Billy Newton.

- Who's Billy Newton? - Exactly.

Remember that deaf kid that transferred in last year

and the whole school learned sign language?

He got cochlear implants, and...

I can't pull this off much longer.

I'm so clearly not a lesbian,

and if everyone at school finds out we're faking it,

they might overcome their opposition

to the death penalty.

Which is why I compiled this handy dossier.

- How is this handy?

What's "bumper to bumper"?

You don't feel weird about this, pretending to be girlfriends?

- Jeez, was I that bad a kisser?

- It was like

kissing my sister.

Ouch.

- It's not like you enjoyed it.

- I thought you were great.

- You did?

Knock, knock.

You two womyn with a "y" decent?

- Mom, dad.

Won't stay long, just wanted to bring you

these cups of celebratory kombucha.

- Salud.

- Oh, Amy,

you couldn't feel more like a daughter to me

if you came from my own womb.

I am overflowing with joy.

I didn't realize you told your parents.

How did your mother take the news?

She can be a little... What's the word?

- Unevolved. - Yes.

- I haven't told her yet.

Well, if she kicks you out, you can always stay here.

This is a safe space.

Now let's get a pic of you two, so I can send it

to your brother zen in the peace corps.

This is just... It's all so...

You know...

You two trailblazers have fun loving each other.

- Okay.

- Seriously? - I know. I know.

I shouldn't have told them.

I just knew that it would make them so happy.

They've already joined pflag.

And I've finally trumped zen.

- What is pflag?

Parents and friends of lesbians and gays.

It's in the dossier. - Karma, I can't do this.

- I'll be right by your side

holding your hand the whole time.

You with me?

� �

- tickets, please.

- Names of your dates?

- Ryan gosling.

- Bradley Cooper.

Harrison Ford.

Lisbeth, enough with your grandpa fetish.

It's gross.

I'm bringing Tommy, my boyfriend.

How predictable. 50 bucks.

You just gave that guy free tickets,

and he smells like a field of armpits.

This year, in support of our queens,

the homecoming theme is "homecoming out."

Bring a same-sex date, you get in free.

Everyone else, 50 bucks.

- That's so not fair.

It's like a heterosexual tax.

- Feels icky, doesn't it?

But all proceeds go

to the Trevor project,

a crisis and suicide hotline for Igbtq youth,

so yay.

Everybody wins.

You two coming together?

- Leila! Lisbeth!

You get way too much pleasure torturing her.

- Take over.

Please, she's so two-dimensional,

she's practically a character in glee.

So we're going to this thing together, right?

Oh, I figured you'd be taking one of your college boy toys.

Uh, they all think I'm in college too.

Look, I thought I was saving you 50 bucks,

but if you're feeling squeamish about it...

No, I don't feel squeamish at all.

- Hey.

- � Who can resist?

� So easily upstaged

- hey there, stranger.

- All hail the queen.

I am your humble servant.

Shut up.

I'm glad you got back together with your girlfriend.

You two are like the school's portia and Ellen.

Which one am I? Please say portia.

Trust me, you're the portia.

Which is why we probably shouldn't make out again.

I don't want to be the ass

That breaks up hester's cutest couple.

The thing is, Amy and I have an open relationship.

- You do? - Yep.

The army may have repealed don't ask, don't tell,

but here at hester, it's alive and well.

So what happens in the art studio

stays in the art studio?

- � That, baby

being a lesbian has its perks.

Or are you more bi?

- Not sure.

I always thought that I was 100% lesbian-ic

until you came along.

- That is so hot.

- � That's just the start �

but I'm not looking for a relationship.

My heart belongs to Amy.

- Yeah, deal.

- � That I feel the most

- To be continued.

�

- meryl streep, watch out.

You're really going method with this whole lesbian thing.

What do you want now, a kidney?

- $50.

Just consider it interest

since you're taking forever to pack up all this junk.

I hope you use it to buy a conscience.

Said the girl who's faking being a lesbian,

so she can be popular.

Guess who's having a sexy secret affair with Liam booker.

Here's a clue. It's me.

- Are you kidding? - Crazy, right?

He's so into this lesbian thing.

I think if I play my cards right, we could have sex.

Me and Liam booker.

- I thought the only reason

we were doing this was to be popular.

- It is.

And popular people have sex with other popular people.

People like Liam booker.

Why didn't we think of this years ago?

- It was a more innocent time.

Well, now everyone's lost their innocence but us.

But that could soon change, thanks to you.

Best girlfriend ever.

I thought you always said you wanted your first time

to be special.

It doesn't get much more special

than the hottest guy at school.

Well, let's hope no one finds out you're cheating on me.

They'd think you were a terrible person.

- You're upset.

- What? No.

I'm just annoyed I have to move.

You remember when we put those on the ceiling,

so you wouldn't be afraid of the dark?

I wasn't afraid, I was anxious.

There's a difference.

- Amy?

- Mom.

- What are you two doing?

We're just talking about our date to homecoming.

Dates, plural. With boys.

- Oh, thank you, Jesus.

How exciting.

Oh, now, you tell this boy to come over early for pictures.

And don't fight me on this, it's a mother's right.

My mama did it to me.

Oh, speaking of Nana, I've got to go and call her.

She is gonna be over the moon that you have a date with a boy.

- Shoot me now.

Let me hear you say it, Brenda.

- I am better than carnations.

- Never forget it.

Now, how about a new floral plan by the end of the day?

Hey, everything coming along for the big gala?

Have you picked out your pantsuit?

- I need a favor.

- Anything for my queen.

You have to come over and pretend to be my date.

- Slight revision.

When I said "anything for you,"

I meant anything but that.

You just have to meet my mom and pose for a couple of photos.

I promise my house has great lighting.

When I came out, I swore, as God as my witness,

I would never pretend to be someone else again.

- Well, Scarlett,

it's kind of your fault I'm in this mess, remember?

So the least you can do is help keep

my former beauty queen republican mother

from finding out.

- Fine.

Mostly because I feel bad,

but also because she sounds amazing.

What time?

- 7:00.

And butch it up a bit.

It needs to be believable.

- � We're all snow �

- we've got 12 minutes.

- Then stop talking.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

- Sorry.

Is that too far?

No, it's just... This is my first time.

With a guy.

I'm just used to having sex with lesbians.

Hey, I don't want to push you

to do something you don't want to do.

- Let's do this.

Here in the art room.

�

I would definitely have a doctor

take a look at that.

- Yeah, cool, will do.

See you at the dance tonight?

- I'll be the one in the tiara. - Yeah.

Well, well, well. Lookee here.

- I asked for butch,

not Matthew McConaughey from magic Mike.

- This is as butch as I get.

Now, where's this mother you promised?

- Is that him?

Oh, my gosh. Oh, my gosh.

You must be Shane.

I'm farrah, Amy's mom.

No way. You are lying to me.

- Excuse me?

- Y'all must be sisters.

- Oh, stop it.

Oh, you are too cute.

We get that all the time.

Okay, you two get together.

I want to get a pic.

Where is that damn camera app?

- Mom, we have to go.

Not until I get proof of how pretty you look.

Oh, is this a perfect night.

My daughter wears a dress,

and I get my first reporting assignment.

Mom, you did? That's great.

I can't wait to watch it.

- Well, you won't have to.

I pitched those lesbian queens of yours to my boss,

and guess who he picked to cover it.

Me.

Barbara Walters, watch your back.

Okay, say cheese.

I'll see you two in a few.

Don't go breaking her heart.

- I couldn't if I tried.

Oh, you are too cute.

She's everything I hoped.

Guess what, the local news is coming to interview us.

Guess what, the local news is my mother.

Oh, my God. What are we gonna do?

I'll stop her. You stall.

Got it. I'm on it.

Just hurry.

Karma, there you are. Where's Amy?

Uh, she had to go home and feed her fish.

I love lesbian humor.

Look, I didn't have a chance to order a second tiara,

so would one of you be willing to wear the crown?

I'm guessing Amy,

but I don't want to make assumptions.

Yeah, that crown is definitely more her.

In a world with so much darkness,

you two are such bright lights.

Uh-huh.

- And... - You too.

Excuse me. - Yeah.

- � I told you I

� I was stuck

� and it's gotten out of hand �

� my old ways

� my old ways have gone away

� today, I swear

� my old ways

� my old ways have gone today �

�

if I had known we were going on a caper,

I wouldn't have worn boots.

They're so loud. - Shh!

All clear. You keep watch.

Have you had that in there the whole time?

- I hate carrying a purse.

- So what's the plan?

We let the air out of the tires on this van.

No tires, no van, no coming out on the local news.

Okay, maybe this is a little excessive.

When I came out, I thought my dad

would either kick me out or kill me,

but instead he let me record project runway,

even though it conflicted with his CSI reruns.

Now we watch it together.

He loves it when they go, "thank you, mood."

It's adorable.

- We'll be right there.

- Well, if you can't find me,

it's because I'm having sex with Liam booker.

- At the school dance?

Well, in his car, so technically dance-adjacent.

The next time you see me, I'll be a woman.

You don't sound very excited.

- Trust me, so excited.

It's just... It's just kind of a big deal.

Do you really want your first time

to be in the backseat of a car?

- It has leather interior. - Karma.

I got to run. I'll call you later.

You scare me. I like it.

There's another van?

�

I've been wanting to do this for so long.

�

- me too.

Wait, how long?

- What? - Have you wanted to do this?

What, have sex with a lesbian?

Pretty much since birth.

I know it's cliche, but what straight guy hasn't?

What? What's wrong?

- I don't know.

I was into this. Now I'm not.

What can I say? I'm mercurial.

Sorry to be a tease,

but I should probably get back to my girlfriend.

� Oh-ooh-oh, oh-ooh-oh, oh-ooh-oh, oh �

- � huh

� oh-ooh-oh, oh-ooh-oh, oh-ooh-oh, oh �

- � huh

� oh-ooh-oh, oh-ooh-oh, oh-ooh-oh, oh �

- � huh

� oh-ooh-oh, oh-ooh-oh, oh-ooh-oh, oh �

- � huh

� oh-ooh-oh, oh-ooh-oh, oh-ooh-oh, oh �

Lauren, thank God I found you.

Love the dress.

Hey, you're the wtxs weather girl.

I love you.

Especially when the cold fronts come in from the north

and you have to reach up on your tippy-toes...

Okay, Tommy. What are you doing here?

I'm here to interview those lesbian homecoming queens.

- Mom, mom. - Have you seen them?

- Your mom is looking

for our lesbian homecoming queens.

I told her.

They went home with spina bifida...

To their tiny, tiny bedrooms.

Oh, I see a tiara. Come on, Frank.

- Mom, wait.

- Karma?

- Mrs. raudenfeld.

What... what are you doing here?

- We're on in 30.

- Amy?

You knew about this?

- Mom, I wanted to tell you,

but I was afraid you wouldn't approve.

- Oh, that's ridiculous.

- Really?

Honey, her parents are so permissive,

it's no big surprise.

But I'm fine with it.

She's not my daughter.

Oh, but I do think

that you should dial back the sleepovers.

- In ten.

Now, where is this adorable girlfriend of yours?

�

- � hard times never, ever

- I'm right here, mother.

- In three, two, one.

- Uh... uh...

You...

Lesbians?

Back to you, Steve.

- � From the ground

� learning what came before us �

- Are you okay?

- Yeah.

That felt really good, actually.

Want to dance?

� So come on, hold me tighter �

- enjoy your tiny bedroom.

- Burn!

That was so cold, your nipples are showing.

Hey-o!

Made you look.

Support our queens by grabbing your date

and hitting the dance floor.

- � The stars came down

� for us last night

� we saw ourselves

- I don't get it.

We were rounding third and heading home,

and all of a sudden, she walks off the field.

- I'm so confused,

and not just because of the sports analogy.

Who is this girl you were hooking up with?

- I can't say.

You can tell me. I won't tell anyone.

Fine, don't tell me.

I've just never been rejected like that before.

Here, rest your head on my shoulder.

No, I can't. You're too short.

- Fine, I'll do it.

- I'm so proud of you.

- For fake coming out?

- For standing up for yourself.

I mean, your mom's always giving you

those backhanded compliments.

Makes me want to punch her in the baby maker.

Aw, thanks.

And I'm proud of you for becoming a woman.

Did it hurt?

- Yeah, that didn't happen.

Oh, really? Why not?

- You were right.

Liam just sees me as this cool lesbian.

And I want my first time to be special,

with someone who loves me.

- � In my house

� to keep you by my side

which is why I'm gonna make him fall in love with me.

- � Don't stray �

� don't go so far away �

I worry you're not getting anything out of this.

Maybe I need a secret boyfriend too.

They sound super fun.

I'm Amy. - Oliver.

- Time to occupy hester.

Liam's really into this protest,

so I'm gonna be the "protestiest" protester

who ever protested.

- Look who I found.

- Soleil!

Liam, can I steal you away for a sec?

- She is so damn sexy.