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SONG: ♪ Hi-hee, hey, hey, hey
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00:00:05,680 --> 00:00:08,039
♪ Time to go to the Coffee Cafe
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00:00:08,040 --> 00:00:10,639
♪ Wow-wee-woo And lots of fun
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00:00:10,640 --> 00:00:12,959
♪ Yum, yum, yum in my tum
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00:00:12,960 --> 00:00:13,960
♪ Yeah. ♪
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00:00:13,960 --> 00:00:14,960
Hello.
(CHUCKLES)
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Today we're looking after a hamster.
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00:00:17,160 --> 00:00:19,159
This hamster's name is Toni,
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00:00:19,160 --> 00:00:21,519
but hamsters can have
any name you want.
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00:00:21,520 --> 00:00:22,520
Yeah.
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00:00:22,521 --> 00:00:24,599
In fact, we've got a bit of a song
about Toni.
12
00:00:24,600 --> 00:00:27,319
Would you like to hear it?
Yeah, I'd love to sing it now.
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00:00:27,320 --> 00:00:28,359
Yeah!
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00:00:28,360 --> 00:00:29,799
(ALL BEAT-BOX)
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00:00:29,800 --> 00:00:31,479
(RAPS) ♪ Toni Rigatoni, we love you
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00:00:31,480 --> 00:00:33,839
♪ Sally-Anne's hamster
How do you do?
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00:00:33,840 --> 00:00:36,200
♪ I've only fucked
a couple of hamsters in my life... ♪
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00:00:38,240 --> 00:00:39,999
The newspaper!
The review!
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00:00:40,000 --> 00:00:41,000
Let's go!
20
00:00:42,720 --> 00:00:44,959
Come on, let's go. Come on!
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00:00:44,960 --> 00:00:46,439
What's this review say?
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00:00:46,440 --> 00:00:47,599
It's confusing.
23
00:00:47,600 --> 00:00:50,959
They talk about the fact
that we also don't like Mondays.
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00:00:50,960 --> 00:00:53,879
Then they go into the fact
that we don't do lasagne.
25
00:00:53,880 --> 00:00:55,639
Give me that! Idiot!
26
00:00:55,640 --> 00:00:57,119
Clearly, what you were reading
27
00:00:57,120 --> 00:00:59,839
was a comic-strip cartoon
in the newspaper.
28
00:00:59,840 --> 00:01:00,999
And I... Oh, no.
29
00:01:01,000 --> 00:01:03,799
Garfield the Cat
wrote a review of our cafe.
30
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Biscuits in my bottom!
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This is worse than when Michelin
gave us three stars!
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00:01:08,120 --> 00:01:09,479
What's next?!
33
00:01:09,480 --> 00:01:11,199
A one-star review?
34
00:01:11,200 --> 00:01:12,999
A four-star review?
35
00:01:13,000 --> 00:01:15,399
Three hamburgers?
36
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Five big biscuits.
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00:01:18,520 --> 00:01:19,520
Four...
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00:01:19,521 --> 00:01:21,279
Hey, Broden, mate...
I'm sorry.
39
00:01:21,280 --> 00:01:22,799
..you don't have to do this.
I know. I...
40
00:01:22,800 --> 00:01:24,679
You don't have to...
I don't have to be funny, do I?
41
00:01:24,680 --> 00:01:25,999
No, not always.
No. Sorry.
42
00:01:26,000 --> 00:01:27,439
Sometimes you've just
got to be yourself.
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00:01:27,440 --> 00:01:28,440
Go on, go on.
44
00:01:28,441 --> 00:01:30,360
Uh... There's a one-star review.
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"The food was cold"?!
(OTHERS GASP)
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"The service was impersonal"?!
(OTHERS GASP)
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"Broden was rude to me."
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Yeah.
Yeah.
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(THEME MUSIC PLAYS)
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OK... (SNIFFLES)
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After immediately accepting
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00:01:59,160 --> 00:02:01,599
the criticism from the one-star
review as constructive
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00:02:01,600 --> 00:02:03,919
like the adults we are rather
than cry about it for a few hours,
54
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which did not happen...
Yeah.
55
00:02:05,440 --> 00:02:07,839
..let's all now walk through
the changes we've implemented
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00:02:07,840 --> 00:02:09,319
to make this the best cafe ever.
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00:02:09,320 --> 00:02:11,559
Let me first show you
what I have done in the kitchen.
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00:02:11,560 --> 00:02:12,560
OK.
OK.
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00:02:12,561 --> 00:02:13,719
Just this way.
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00:02:13,720 --> 00:02:15,399
Ta-da!
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00:02:15,400 --> 00:02:17,679
Oh! A tiny, shiny hat.
(APPLAUSE)
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00:02:17,680 --> 00:02:19,079
No, this is a... What?
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00:02:19,080 --> 00:02:20,159
Hey, everyone.
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00:02:20,160 --> 00:02:21,199
Ooh!
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Nice tiny, shiny hat.
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00:02:22,600 --> 00:02:24,039
No, this is a service bell.
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00:02:24,040 --> 00:02:27,399
When I ding the bell, that means
the food is ready to be served.
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00:02:27,400 --> 00:02:28,759
So, when you hear this sound...
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(DING!)
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..come get your hot, fresh food.
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00:02:31,520 --> 00:02:33,839
It's all explained
in this simple flowchart.
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00:02:33,840 --> 00:02:36,119
Ah! Great flowchart, Zach.
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Good hat too.
Wow.
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Thank you so much.
That's great.
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No more impersonal service.
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00:02:41,440 --> 00:02:43,279
Thanks to this sexy robot,
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00:02:43,280 --> 00:02:46,039
customers can now book
from the comfort of their own home
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00:02:46,040 --> 00:02:48,199
or rented apartment
if they're under 40
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00:02:48,200 --> 00:02:50,119
and leave us a note
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00:02:50,120 --> 00:02:53,719
which lets me know
exactly who I'm catering to.
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00:02:53,720 --> 00:02:54,959
(TABLET CHIMES)
Oh!
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00:02:54,960 --> 00:02:58,759
What's that, Senorita Nuts and
Bolts, you extremely fuckable robot?
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00:02:58,760 --> 00:03:00,279
We already have a booking?
84
00:03:00,280 --> 00:03:02,159
Ah, it's a blind date.
85
00:03:02,160 --> 00:03:04,599
Perhaps I'll bring them
some champagne.
86
00:03:04,600 --> 00:03:05,600
Confirm.
87
00:03:05,601 --> 00:03:09,279
Oh, and the Dungeons and Dragons
event just booked the big table.
88
00:03:09,280 --> 00:03:11,239
Perhaps I'll bring them
some deodorant.
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00:03:11,240 --> 00:03:12,479
Confirm!
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How easy it is to be personable now!
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Ha-ha!
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00:03:16,360 --> 00:03:17,759
(APPLAUSE)
(LAUGHS)
93
00:03:17,760 --> 00:03:19,039
Ah!
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00:03:19,040 --> 00:03:20,399
Oh!
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00:03:20,400 --> 00:03:22,079
He said he's gonna fuck that tablet.
96
00:03:22,080 --> 00:03:24,279
Yes, and two bookings already.
97
00:03:24,280 --> 00:03:25,839
Ooh!
Ooh!
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Be gone,
'Please wait to be seated' sign.
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00:03:27,720 --> 00:03:29,039
Smash!
100
00:03:29,040 --> 00:03:30,879
Replaced with this new podium.
101
00:03:30,880 --> 00:03:34,279
Now I can greet every asshole
customer with a smile on my dial,
102
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like this.
103
00:03:36,280 --> 00:03:37,919
Oh!
Wow.
104
00:03:37,920 --> 00:03:40,319
My official role is croque monsieur,
105
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or, in English,
grilled ham and cheese sandwich.
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(APPLAUSE)
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BOTH: Mwah!
108
00:03:46,441 --> 00:03:48,879
But, Broden, how does this help you
avoid being rude?
109
00:03:48,880 --> 00:03:51,199
You're kind of
one of the rudest dudes I know.
110
00:03:51,200 --> 00:03:53,279
Well, how about this,
you little fucking prick?
111
00:03:53,280 --> 00:03:54,679
I promise to never be rude
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00:03:54,680 --> 00:03:56,039
on Toni Rigatoni.
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(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS)
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(SQUEAKS)
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(GASPS)
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00:04:00,961 --> 00:04:02,959
And I've also organised
for that reviewer to come back
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00:04:02,960 --> 00:04:04,359
and give us one more chance.
118
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Broden...
119
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..that's the best idea
I've ever heard!
120
00:04:08,560 --> 00:04:11,919
Just wait until she sees
how personable I've become.
121
00:04:11,920 --> 00:04:16,159
And wait until she gets a load
of my latest culinary invention,
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a dish so delish
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with a name just as clever.
124
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I want you boys to imagine
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00:04:21,960 --> 00:04:24,599
sausage meat wrapped in pastry...
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That's a sausage roll.
127
00:04:25,680 --> 00:04:28,439
And I'm confident when she comes
back and sees the work we've done
128
00:04:28,440 --> 00:04:30,679
she's gonna add a few more stars
to that review.
129
00:04:30,680 --> 00:04:32,039
BOTH: Yes!
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00:04:32,040 --> 00:04:33,679
But, Broden, what about the fact
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that we're not dressed appropriately
for our new roles?
132
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Funny you mention that.
133
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A-a-a-a-a-a-h!
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That's right.
135
00:04:41,040 --> 00:04:42,159
A-a-a-a-a-h!
136
00:04:42,160 --> 00:04:43,839
Ohh!
Ahh! Ahh!
137
00:04:43,840 --> 00:04:46,599
We've organised with the best shops
on Chapel Street
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for you to have flashy new threads.
139
00:04:48,360 --> 00:04:50,239
Ahh! Ahh! Ahh! Ahh!
You'll be the envy of Nat Bass,
140
00:04:50,240 --> 00:04:52,639
Delta Goodrem and Holly Valance.
141
00:04:52,640 --> 00:04:56,319
Not to mention a dinner for two
at Smorgy's, Bundoora.
142
00:04:56,320 --> 00:04:57,479
What?! Ah!
And what's that?
143
00:04:57,480 --> 00:04:59,559
Calm down!
An evening with Garry Lyon
144
00:04:59,560 --> 00:05:01,879
at the Lilydale RSL.
145
00:05:01,880 --> 00:05:05,280
(DANCE MUSIC PLAYS)
146
00:05:13,600 --> 00:05:14,600
Oh, (BLEEP!)
147
00:05:14,601 --> 00:05:17,719
Oh, God! I knew that would happen
the second I put the tablet down.
148
00:05:17,720 --> 00:05:19,239
Can you two (BLEEP!) can help?!
Yeah...
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Get a bag of rice or something?!
Alright! Alright!
150
00:05:21,040 --> 00:05:22,040
Agh!
151
00:05:25,720 --> 00:05:27,920
I worry this is gonna have
consequences later.
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00:05:37,920 --> 00:05:38,920
(BELL RINGS)
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00:05:38,921 --> 00:05:40,119
Ohh!
154
00:05:40,120 --> 00:05:42,199
Hail and well-met, good sir.
155
00:05:42,200 --> 00:05:45,599
Oh, yes, all our regular customers
in disgusting fu...
156
00:05:45,600 --> 00:05:47,599
..uh... (BABBLES)
157
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..cool costumes.
158
00:05:49,680 --> 00:05:52,399
Thank you. We're dressed as our
Dungeons and Dragons characters.
159
00:05:52,400 --> 00:05:54,199
Yeah, of course you like D and D.
160
00:05:54,200 --> 00:05:55,999
I am a rogue bard.
161
00:05:56,000 --> 00:06:01,199
I battle not with weapons
but with my flute and lovemaking.
162
00:06:01,200 --> 00:06:02,599
I'm a cat.
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00:06:02,600 --> 00:06:05,639
Well, I am your croque monsieur!
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00:06:05,640 --> 00:06:07,639
Yes. Let me see here. Ah!
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I see you've reserved
our very big table.
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00:06:09,960 --> 00:06:11,119
Right this way,
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00:06:11,120 --> 00:06:14,559
you fucking pack of disgusting, uh...
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00:06:14,560 --> 00:06:16,319
..regular, good humans.
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00:06:16,320 --> 00:06:17,839
Come along now.
170
00:06:17,840 --> 00:06:19,359
And this right here is Mark.
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He'll be your waiter.
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00:06:20,680 --> 00:06:21,999
A word, Mark?
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00:06:22,000 --> 00:06:24,079
Laying it on a bit thick,
don't you think?
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00:06:24,080 --> 00:06:25,599
That's the whole point.
What?
175
00:06:25,600 --> 00:06:27,639
Now that I can see
who I'm catering to in advance,
176
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I can dress like them,
I can talk like them
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00:06:29,280 --> 00:06:31,239
and I can make it super personable.
178
00:06:31,240 --> 00:06:33,479
Wait till the reviewer
gets a load of this.
179
00:06:33,480 --> 00:06:37,119
Now, the specials today
include a house-made sausage roll,
180
00:06:37,120 --> 00:06:41,959
but I suspect you lot
would prefer a sausage troll.
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(ALL LAUGH)
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Yeah!
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00:06:44,361 --> 00:06:45,920
I have a sword!
184
00:06:51,560 --> 00:06:53,239
Alright. What are youse after?
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00:06:53,240 --> 00:06:54,719
(BELL RINGS)
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00:06:54,720 --> 00:06:55,759
What's up?
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00:06:55,760 --> 00:06:57,719
Nothing.
No-one's ordered anything yet.
188
00:06:57,720 --> 00:06:59,279
Well, I heard a ding.
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00:06:59,280 --> 00:07:00,799
Oh! You mean a ring.
190
00:07:00,800 --> 00:07:02,279
Broden's put a bell on the door,
191
00:07:02,280 --> 00:07:04,759
which makes a ring sound
whenever a customer enters.
192
00:07:04,760 --> 00:07:06,599
This makes more of a ding sound.
193
00:07:06,600 --> 00:07:07,719
See?
(DING!)
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00:07:07,720 --> 00:07:09,599
When you hear the ding,
that's when I need you.
195
00:07:09,600 --> 00:07:11,399
What do you want?
Nothing, I was just demonstrating
196
00:07:11,400 --> 00:07:13,319
the service bell to Stephanie.
Ah, yeah!
197
00:07:13,320 --> 00:07:14,320
(DING!)
Don't do that.
198
00:07:14,320 --> 00:07:15,320
What do you want?
Nothing.
199
00:07:15,321 --> 00:07:16,639
We were just checking the bell.
200
00:07:16,640 --> 00:07:17,839
Oh, nice!
201
00:07:17,840 --> 00:07:18,840
(DING!)
Please, stop.
202
00:07:18,841 --> 00:07:20,439
What you want?
We were just having a ding-along.
203
00:07:20,440 --> 00:07:22,359
You want a go?
No! This is my bell, OK?
204
00:07:22,360 --> 00:07:24,479
I hit the bell.
I make the ding sounds.
205
00:07:24,480 --> 00:07:26,079
(DING!)
You didn't make THAT sound.
206
00:07:26,080 --> 00:07:27,639
New plan - when the oven dings,
207
00:07:27,640 --> 00:07:29,319
I ding
telling you to ignore the ding.
208
00:07:29,320 --> 00:07:30,320
Mm. What?
209
00:07:30,321 --> 00:07:32,399
One ding means food,
two dings means carry on.
210
00:07:32,400 --> 00:07:33,400
(BELL RINGS)
211
00:07:33,401 --> 00:07:34,999
What does that ding mean?
That was a ring!
212
00:07:35,000 --> 00:07:36,879
Ah! That must be the reviewer.
213
00:07:36,880 --> 00:07:39,119
Or it could be the blind date.
214
00:07:39,120 --> 00:07:40,479
No, we don't do... No.
215
00:07:40,480 --> 00:07:41,960
Let me check.
216
00:07:45,080 --> 00:07:48,239
Well, here I am.
Yet another blind date.
217
00:07:48,240 --> 00:07:50,239
Don't lose hope yet, Angela.
218
00:07:50,240 --> 00:07:52,319
I'm here early. I'm looking good.
219
00:07:52,320 --> 00:07:55,959
And I've made a reservation
under my name, Angela Reviewer.
220
00:07:55,960 --> 00:07:57,719
Hey, that's not technically true.
221
00:07:57,720 --> 00:08:00,359
I made the booking using
the first letter of my first name
222
00:08:00,360 --> 00:08:01,759
and then my surname.
223
00:08:01,760 --> 00:08:04,079
So, my booking is under A Reviewer.
224
00:08:04,080 --> 00:08:06,040
I hope nothing goes wrong!
225
00:08:08,120 --> 00:08:09,839
You must be a reviewer.
226
00:08:09,840 --> 00:08:12,399
Oh, yes! I'm A Reviewer.
227
00:08:12,400 --> 00:08:15,359
I can say I've never been this happy
to meet a reviewer before.
228
00:08:15,360 --> 00:08:16,719
You can just call me Angela.
229
00:08:16,720 --> 00:08:19,519
Angela, thank you for coming.
230
00:08:19,520 --> 00:08:21,519
Of course.
I mean, I'm sorry, I'm a bit early.
231
00:08:21,520 --> 00:08:23,039
Oh, well, I was in at 6:00AM.
232
00:08:23,040 --> 00:08:24,959
Oh, my! That's eager.
233
00:08:24,960 --> 00:08:27,279
Oh, yeah. I wanted everything
to be perfect for you.
234
00:08:27,280 --> 00:08:28,479
Wowie.
235
00:08:28,480 --> 00:08:29,480
I mean, gosh,
236
00:08:29,481 --> 00:08:31,879
I've never had anyone do something
that nice for me before.
237
00:08:31,880 --> 00:08:33,319
Well, it's easy
when you know the owners.
238
00:08:33,320 --> 00:08:35,319
Oh! Do you, now?!
239
00:08:35,320 --> 00:08:38,479
Yeah. You can say
Broden and I are very close.
240
00:08:38,480 --> 00:08:40,879
Well, I don't know this Broden,
241
00:08:40,880 --> 00:08:43,119
but I'm very interested
in getting to know you.
242
00:08:43,120 --> 00:08:45,839
Oh, yeah. I think you're
gonna be very pleasantly surprised.
243
00:08:45,840 --> 00:08:46,879
Oh, my!
244
00:08:46,880 --> 00:08:48,359
Allow me to show you
to the dining area.
245
00:08:48,360 --> 00:08:51,319
Ooh, get that puddle
for you there, ha-ha, reviewer.
246
00:08:51,320 --> 00:08:52,679
Right this way.
247
00:08:52,680 --> 00:08:53,680
(DING!)
248
00:08:54,680 --> 00:08:55,799
Oh, sorry. One second.
249
00:08:55,800 --> 00:08:57,599
(DING!)
250
00:08:57,600 --> 00:08:58,600
Oh.
251
00:08:59,880 --> 00:09:01,560
Yep. Don't worry about that.
252
00:09:04,600 --> 00:09:06,440
(DING!)
One second.
253
00:09:07,440 --> 00:09:08,440
(DING!)
254
00:09:13,120 --> 00:09:14,759
Eight grand finals...
Sorry.
255
00:09:14,760 --> 00:09:17,839
Ah! I think you should have a look
at your coffee before you take a sip.
256
00:09:17,840 --> 00:09:19,799
I think you'll be
very pleasantly surprised.
257
00:09:19,800 --> 00:09:20,800
OK, I'll...
258
00:09:20,801 --> 00:09:23,639
Oh, my goodness.
Now, THAT is incredible.
259
00:09:23,640 --> 00:09:25,639
You don't get that anyway, do ya?
No, you just don't!
260
00:09:25,640 --> 00:09:27,159
Yeah.
Mmm.
261
00:09:27,160 --> 00:09:28,160
Mmm.
Oh, yeah.
262
00:09:28,161 --> 00:09:29,559
So yummy.
Oh-poop-poop.
263
00:09:29,560 --> 00:09:31,319
A little cream on your lip.
Oh.
264
00:09:31,320 --> 00:09:34,279
(SINGSONG) Gonna sort that out.
Get the cream off your lip.
265
00:09:34,280 --> 00:09:35,999
Bloody hell, get... Yeah.
266
00:09:36,000 --> 00:09:38,199
Thank you.
You are very thoughtful.
267
00:09:38,200 --> 00:09:39,879
Yeah, I'm... I'm the best.
268
00:09:39,880 --> 00:09:41,319
You are! And you know what else?
269
00:09:41,320 --> 00:09:44,199
You're, um... If I can say it,
you're quite handsome as well.
270
00:09:44,200 --> 00:09:45,200
(CHUCKLES) What?
271
00:09:45,201 --> 00:09:46,959
Well, you know,
I've just done so many of these,
272
00:09:46,960 --> 00:09:48,439
and they all end so badly
273
00:09:48,440 --> 00:09:50,719
that I'm starting to think
maybe I'M the problem.
274
00:09:50,720 --> 00:09:52,239
(LAUGHS)
275
00:09:52,240 --> 00:09:53,279
Mm.
276
00:09:53,280 --> 00:09:56,599
(LAUGHS)
277
00:09:56,600 --> 00:09:57,600
(TABLET CHIMES)
278
00:09:59,280 --> 00:10:01,079
"Just a group of football bullies
279
00:10:01,080 --> 00:10:03,719
"wanting a fun breakfast
before a day of bullying dorks"
280
00:10:03,720 --> 00:10:05,759
on the big table?!
281
00:10:05,760 --> 00:10:09,079
Oh, no, no, no, no.
That's the antithesis of nerds.
282
00:10:09,080 --> 00:10:10,879
It'll be a goddamn bloodbath.
283
00:10:10,880 --> 00:10:12,840
No, thank you.
284
00:10:15,280 --> 00:10:16,840
You fuckin' piece of shit.
285
00:10:17,840 --> 00:10:19,799
(TRILLS, CHIRPS)
286
00:10:19,800 --> 00:10:20,800
(DING!)
287
00:10:22,240 --> 00:10:23,559
Oh, frick.
288
00:10:23,560 --> 00:10:25,479
That's why you've got
to get to know someone.
289
00:10:25,480 --> 00:10:28,599
Often on first impressions
people think I'm a rude dude.
290
00:10:28,600 --> 00:10:30,239
Well, as sweet as you are, I mean,
291
00:10:30,240 --> 00:10:33,719
I sure hope things
could get a little rude one day.
292
00:10:33,720 --> 00:10:35,559
Yuck.
Huh... Excuse me?
293
00:10:35,560 --> 00:10:38,239
No way.
I promised never to be rude again.
294
00:10:38,240 --> 00:10:40,039
Oh! Oh. Um...
295
00:10:40,040 --> 00:10:42,559
To whom?
Oh, my best friend, of course.
296
00:10:42,560 --> 00:10:44,319
Up there.
297
00:10:44,320 --> 00:10:48,239
It would take someone very, very
special for me to ever be rude again.
298
00:10:48,240 --> 00:10:50,799
Oh, my goodness!
I think I'm blushing.
299
00:10:50,800 --> 00:10:51,919
Oh, yeah. That's weird.
300
00:10:51,920 --> 00:10:53,639
What kind of special
are you talking?
301
00:10:53,640 --> 00:10:55,719
Oh, like, you know Rob Mills?
302
00:10:55,720 --> 00:10:56,720
OK.
303
00:10:56,720 --> 00:10:57,720
Mm.
304
00:10:57,721 --> 00:10:59,839
Um... Uh... Hee-ho-ha! Ho-hum!
305
00:10:59,840 --> 00:11:01,679
My merry band of travellers,
306
00:11:01,680 --> 00:11:06,399
a great curtain of evil is about
to split this here land in twain.
307
00:11:06,400 --> 00:11:09,639
Yeah, yeah. So, move, move, please.
Move down the table.
308
00:11:09,640 --> 00:11:10,759
Move!
309
00:11:10,760 --> 00:11:12,759
Wow!
(EXCITED CHATTER)
310
00:11:12,760 --> 00:11:14,799
And then the geezer,
he comes right up to me,
311
00:11:14,800 --> 00:11:18,359
and after that, oh, I pounded
that geezer right in the ploughmans.
312
00:11:18,360 --> 00:11:19,559
(OTHERS LAUGH)
313
00:11:19,560 --> 00:11:22,359
I love pounding geezers, trollops
and Carl Forsters!
314
00:11:22,360 --> 00:11:23,719
This guy's mint!
315
00:11:23,720 --> 00:11:26,999
Now, the specials today
include a house-made sausage roll,
316
00:11:27,000 --> 00:11:31,799
but I suspect you lot would prefer
a house-made Tottenham Hotspurs.
317
00:11:31,800 --> 00:11:33,879
(OTHERS LAUGH)
Yeah, I'll roll 'em!
318
00:11:33,880 --> 00:11:36,199
THE NAMELESS ONE:
Hee-yah! I used the elixir of lust
319
00:11:36,200 --> 00:11:38,039
to make the handsome stone toad
fall for me.
320
00:11:38,040 --> 00:11:41,319
Is that dorks? They're going to die!
No! No!
321
00:11:41,320 --> 00:11:42,519
No, no, not dorks.
322
00:11:42,520 --> 00:11:45,199
No, I think
that's just your morning browns
323
00:11:45,200 --> 00:11:47,359
on their way, you plonkers.
Let me go check.
324
00:11:47,360 --> 00:11:49,239
Oh! (LAUGHS)
325
00:11:49,240 --> 00:11:51,599
I trust him
because he called me a plonker.
326
00:11:51,600 --> 00:11:53,039
Hey, shouldn't you
be writing this down?
327
00:11:53,040 --> 00:11:54,959
Oh, sho...
(DING!)
328
00:11:54,960 --> 00:11:56,639
Sorry, um...
329
00:11:56,640 --> 00:11:57,719
(DING!)
330
00:11:57,720 --> 00:11:58,919
Uh... Whoa.
(HORN HONKS)
331
00:11:58,920 --> 00:12:00,919
(DING!)
Gosh, I'm so sorry. Agh.
332
00:12:00,920 --> 00:12:02,639
I'm just finding it a bit hard
to concentrate
333
00:12:02,640 --> 00:12:04,239
on our very wonderful date
334
00:12:04,240 --> 00:12:05,719
because there's all that noise.
335
00:12:05,720 --> 00:12:07,359
Let me go see what that is.
OK.
336
00:12:07,360 --> 00:12:10,319
And, of course, by 'date' you mean
review of the cafe you're doing.
337
00:12:10,320 --> 00:12:13,519
(LAUGHS) And, of course,
by review of this cafe I'm doing
338
00:12:13,520 --> 00:12:14,759
you mean date.
339
00:12:14,760 --> 00:12:16,839
Ha-ha, yeah. Be right back.
Ha-ha, K.
340
00:12:16,840 --> 00:12:18,440
Miss... you.
341
00:12:25,040 --> 00:12:27,359
Did you all just find
the Lost Mine of Phandelver
342
00:12:27,360 --> 00:12:28,919
or are you happy to see me?
343
00:12:28,920 --> 00:12:30,399
(ALL LAUGH)
Ah, get it?
344
00:12:30,400 --> 00:12:31,879
(DING!)
345
00:12:31,880 --> 00:12:33,519
(DING! DING! DING! DING! DING!)
346
00:12:33,520 --> 00:12:35,239
Be that our food, innkeeper?
347
00:12:35,240 --> 00:12:38,119
Oh, uh... let me check
with the kitchen.
348
00:12:38,120 --> 00:12:39,479
Oh, I mean the food hall.
349
00:12:39,480 --> 00:12:40,480
Oh...
350
00:12:40,481 --> 00:12:43,039
And how about another
round of browns while we wait, OK?
351
00:12:43,040 --> 00:12:44,040
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
352
00:12:46,400 --> 00:12:48,239
What's all the noise?!
You're upsetting the reviewer!
353
00:12:48,240 --> 00:12:49,359
And where's my food?!
354
00:12:49,360 --> 00:12:50,839
Oh, here it is, Mark.
355
00:12:50,840 --> 00:12:52,799
And it's gone cold AGAIN.
356
00:12:52,800 --> 00:12:55,559
Why didn't you ding, you dingus?!
357
00:12:55,560 --> 00:12:57,559
I did ding, dickhead,
but I don't ding once now
358
00:12:57,560 --> 00:12:59,319
thanks to this damn thing.
(HORN HONKS)
359
00:12:59,320 --> 00:13:00,959
So, new system.
360
00:13:00,960 --> 00:13:02,639
If it's a ding then the horn,
it's the oven.
361
00:13:02,640 --> 00:13:04,799
If it's a ding than the kazoo,
it's the microwave.
362
00:13:04,800 --> 00:13:06,639
If I hear a bing,
I'll hit the vibraslap.
363
00:13:06,640 --> 00:13:08,999
And if it's a ring,
I'll blow the wood whistle.
364
00:13:09,000 --> 00:13:10,959
Five dings now means food's ready.
365
00:13:10,960 --> 00:13:12,639
And the handgun is a full reset.
366
00:13:12,640 --> 00:13:13,640
(BANG!)
367
00:13:14,640 --> 00:13:15,839
Jesus Christ!
Jesus!
368
00:13:15,840 --> 00:13:17,319
It's all up here.
369
00:13:17,320 --> 00:13:19,199
You know what?
I actually find that quite clear.
370
00:13:19,200 --> 00:13:20,399
(BELL RINGS)
371
00:13:20,400 --> 00:13:22,359
(BLOWS WHISTLE)
Are you gonna get that?
372
00:13:22,360 --> 00:13:23,360
(BELL RINGS)
373
00:13:24,960 --> 00:13:26,959
Mm.
(DING!)
374
00:13:26,960 --> 00:13:28,399
(PATS VIBRASLAP)
Are you gonna get that?
375
00:13:28,400 --> 00:13:30,479
Get what? What are you
talking about? Get what?!
376
00:13:30,480 --> 00:13:31,799
Ahem!
377
00:13:31,800 --> 00:13:34,519
Oh, can you please just wait,
please?!
378
00:13:34,520 --> 00:13:36,559
Now, Zach, sorry, talk me through...
379
00:13:36,560 --> 00:13:38,199
Hey. Hey. What are you writing?
380
00:13:38,200 --> 00:13:40,359
Just that,
despite being invited back
381
00:13:40,360 --> 00:13:43,039
in what I assume
was to regain my favour,
382
00:13:43,040 --> 00:13:46,119
I find this cafe
to be in the same broken state
383
00:13:46,120 --> 00:13:48,159
it was the last time I reviewed it.
384
00:13:48,160 --> 00:13:49,160
(GASPS)
385
00:13:49,161 --> 00:13:51,439
You must be the blind date!
386
00:13:51,440 --> 00:13:54,999
No, Broden,
I'm Melbourne's top reviewer.
387
00:13:55,000 --> 00:13:56,439
Ha! Yeah, right!
388
00:13:56,440 --> 00:13:57,599
Well, if that's the case,
389
00:13:57,600 --> 00:13:58,839
you explain to me
390
00:13:58,840 --> 00:14:01,519
why I've been schmoozing a reviewer
over there all morning
391
00:14:01,520 --> 00:14:03,439
and they've been really nice to me
392
00:14:03,440 --> 00:14:05,159
and they haven't mentioned
the review once
393
00:14:05,160 --> 00:14:06,719
kind of like
they're on a blind date.
394
00:14:06,720 --> 00:14:09,919
OK? And now you've shown up, right?
And oh, my God.
395
00:14:09,920 --> 00:14:12,079
Oh, my God.
396
00:14:12,080 --> 00:14:13,999
Oh, my God!
397
00:14:14,000 --> 00:14:16,119
Why don't you show me to my seat?
398
00:14:16,120 --> 00:14:17,679
I'll take you to your seat.
399
00:14:17,680 --> 00:14:20,479
Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
400
00:14:20,480 --> 00:14:21,999
Oh, my God.
401
00:14:22,000 --> 00:14:24,039
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
402
00:14:24,040 --> 00:14:25,879
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
403
00:14:25,880 --> 00:14:27,279
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
404
00:14:27,280 --> 00:14:29,639
ALL: Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
405
00:14:29,640 --> 00:14:31,879
Fuck!
I don't know what's a croque monsieur
406
00:14:31,880 --> 00:14:34,399
but now I've got egg on my face
like a croque madame!
407
00:14:34,400 --> 00:14:35,879
What are we gonna do?!
408
00:14:35,880 --> 00:14:38,559
We are gonna get those stars!
409
00:14:38,560 --> 00:14:40,919
The reviewer hasn't seen
any of this yet.
410
00:14:40,920 --> 00:14:42,599
So, you keep the food hot.
411
00:14:42,600 --> 00:14:44,239
You keep the rudeness down.
412
00:14:44,240 --> 00:14:46,079
Whatever it is I'M doing.
413
00:14:46,080 --> 00:14:49,479
Do not let this become a farce!
414
00:14:49,480 --> 00:14:50,480
(DING!)
415
00:14:50,481 --> 00:14:52,079
(HONKS HORN)
416
00:14:52,080 --> 00:14:53,199
(DING!)
(BLOWS KAZOO)
417
00:14:53,200 --> 00:14:55,040
(DING! DING! DING! DING! DING!)
418
00:14:56,560 --> 00:14:57,600
Thanks.
419
00:15:00,480 --> 00:15:02,520
OK, I thought I had it.
I definitely don't.
420
00:15:05,520 --> 00:15:07,479
Um... And another round of browns
421
00:15:07,480 --> 00:15:09,079
while we await further nourishment.
422
00:15:09,080 --> 00:15:10,559
Tiddle-dee-dee!
423
00:15:10,560 --> 00:15:12,799
Uh... Stephanie,
can we clear the cups, please?
424
00:15:12,800 --> 00:15:14,759
The sink's full.
Oh, good!
425
00:15:14,760 --> 00:15:16,039
(TABLET CHIMES)
426
00:15:16,040 --> 00:15:18,399
Oh, look, just clear the cups
and then get the booking, OK?
427
00:15:18,400 --> 00:15:19,799
You're the bookings gal now.
428
00:15:19,800 --> 00:15:24,159
Sire, your generosity has done us
a great wrong in our bellies.
429
00:15:24,160 --> 00:15:25,160
What?
430
00:15:25,161 --> 00:15:26,880
We need to go poo-poo in toi-toi.
431
00:15:28,040 --> 00:15:29,519
So, today's special is
432
00:15:29,520 --> 00:15:32,199
imagine there's sausage
wrapped in pastry that we...
433
00:15:32,200 --> 00:15:34,679
That's a sausage roll.
I'll start with a coffee.
434
00:15:34,680 --> 00:15:36,599
Yes, of course.
435
00:15:36,600 --> 00:15:38,959
A strong latte.
Yes, of course!
436
00:15:38,960 --> 00:15:40,599
Extra hot.
Yes, of course!
437
00:15:40,600 --> 00:15:42,359
With oat milk.
438
00:15:42,360 --> 00:15:43,999
Yes, of course. Yes, of course.
439
00:15:44,000 --> 00:15:45,759
Oh, yes, of course.
440
00:15:45,760 --> 00:15:48,119
Yes, of course. Yes, of course.
441
00:15:48,120 --> 00:15:51,040
(SPOOKY MUSIC PLAYS)
442
00:15:54,480 --> 00:15:57,399
Oi! Bagel brain!
Where's our grub at?
443
00:15:57,400 --> 00:15:59,079
Uh... Coming.
444
00:15:59,080 --> 00:16:02,079
How about an extra round of
morning browns while we all wait?
445
00:16:02,080 --> 00:16:04,399
We're gonna need your bog-bog, Guv.
446
00:16:04,400 --> 00:16:06,879
King Kong's asking
for his fingers back.
447
00:16:06,880 --> 00:16:08,039
What?
448
00:16:08,040 --> 00:16:09,919
We need to poo-poo in the toi-toi.
449
00:16:09,920 --> 00:16:12,119
Oh, then just go use the one toilet
that we have in the cafe...
450
00:16:12,120 --> 00:16:13,599
Oh. Oh.
451
00:16:13,600 --> 00:16:14,600
Oh.
452
00:16:14,601 --> 00:16:15,799
Oh... (MUTTERS)
453
00:16:15,800 --> 00:16:17,039
Oh. Oh.
454
00:16:17,040 --> 00:16:18,479
Oh. (MUTTERS) Oh.
455
00:16:18,480 --> 00:16:19,799
(MUTTERS)
456
00:16:19,800 --> 00:16:21,639
Oh. (MUTTERS) Oh.
457
00:16:21,640 --> 00:16:22,879
No, oh!
458
00:16:22,880 --> 00:16:24,799
Zach! Where do I put the sack of...
459
00:16:24,800 --> 00:16:27,159
Stephanie, I'm trying to cook
my long, flaky, round meaty boys.
460
00:16:27,160 --> 00:16:28,999
Come on, have some initiative.
Agh!
461
00:16:29,000 --> 00:16:30,439
Cups. Coffee cups.
462
00:16:30,440 --> 00:16:33,280
Coffee cups.
Coffee cups for Broden Kelly.
463
00:16:37,280 --> 00:16:39,800
(DRILL WHIRRS)
464
00:16:41,000 --> 00:16:43,120
(PANTS)
465
00:16:45,360 --> 00:16:46,999
Oh... Oh...
466
00:16:47,000 --> 00:16:48,000
(TABLET CHIMES)
467
00:16:50,440 --> 00:16:52,159
No, we don't want that booking.
468
00:16:52,160 --> 00:16:53,639
Cancel.
(TABLET TRILLS)
469
00:16:53,640 --> 00:16:55,359
No, cancel.
(TRILLS)
470
00:16:55,360 --> 00:16:56,639
(BEEPS)
Cancel.
471
00:16:56,640 --> 00:16:59,279
(DING!)
And it confirmed.
472
00:16:59,280 --> 00:17:00,879
Uh...
473
00:17:00,880 --> 00:17:02,079
(BREATHES HEAVILY)
474
00:17:02,080 --> 00:17:03,880
(SCREAMS)
475
00:17:05,360 --> 00:17:08,319
Well, here I am
ready to go on a blind date.
476
00:17:08,320 --> 00:17:09,759
It's the first date I've been on
477
00:17:09,760 --> 00:17:14,079
since my wife, who was my childhood
sweetheart and love of my life,
478
00:17:14,080 --> 00:17:17,120
passed away
both suddenly and tragically.
479
00:17:18,120 --> 00:17:19,559
I sure hope nothing goes wrong.
480
00:17:19,560 --> 00:17:20,839
(GRUNTS)
481
00:17:20,840 --> 00:17:22,160
(CRASH!)
482
00:17:24,680 --> 00:17:27,240
(SQUEAKS)
483
00:17:28,680 --> 00:17:31,959
If anything happens
to my Toni Rigatoni,
484
00:17:31,960 --> 00:17:34,199
I'm gonna get my staple gun out
485
00:17:34,200 --> 00:17:37,279
and I'm gonna rig your toe
to your knee.
486
00:17:37,280 --> 00:17:38,679
Get it?
487
00:17:38,680 --> 00:17:40,279
Rig-a-toe-knee.
488
00:17:40,280 --> 00:17:41,760
(LAUGHS)
489
00:17:46,480 --> 00:17:49,199
Here's your extra-hot, strong,
oat latte. Sorry, it's in a horn.
490
00:17:49,200 --> 00:17:51,359
I don't know where all our cups are.
Would you like to order lunch?
491
00:17:51,360 --> 00:17:52,759
I'll take a chicken sandwich
and a muffin.
492
00:17:52,760 --> 00:17:54,199
You don't want sausage roll?
Was I unclear?
493
00:17:54,200 --> 00:17:55,200
No!
494
00:17:55,201 --> 00:17:57,119
No, no, no, no, no, no.
495
00:17:57,120 --> 00:17:59,079
No!
(SCREAMS) My God!
496
00:17:59,080 --> 00:18:01,639
Sorry! It had platypus milk in it!
I'll get you another!
497
00:18:01,640 --> 00:18:03,119
Stephanie, I'm so stressed
498
00:18:03,120 --> 00:18:05,199
I'm about to turn into
a one-dimensional character.
499
00:18:05,200 --> 00:18:07,279
Stop whatever you are doing,
just get rid of HER!
500
00:18:07,280 --> 00:18:08,479
But I've got to tell Mark...
501
00:18:08,480 --> 00:18:10,839
Oh, bloody hell, I've had
a bloody gutful of your generation
502
00:18:10,840 --> 00:18:13,120
always rocking around
with your tablets and your giblets.
503
00:18:16,160 --> 00:18:18,159
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYS)
504
00:18:18,160 --> 00:18:21,079
(FAIRY MUSIC PLAYS)
505
00:18:21,080 --> 00:18:23,199
Ooh!
He was offside!
506
00:18:23,200 --> 00:18:24,719
What was that?
Oh, uh... nothing.
507
00:18:24,720 --> 00:18:27,999
I'm sure that was just
some sort of owl-bear
508
00:18:28,000 --> 00:18:30,479
having sexual intercourse with...
509
00:18:30,480 --> 00:18:32,079
..a dungeon.
510
00:18:32,080 --> 00:18:33,080
One sec.
511
00:18:33,081 --> 00:18:34,399
(CHUCKLES)
512
00:18:34,400 --> 00:18:37,839
You're saying that my date
is waiting for me in there?
513
00:18:37,840 --> 00:18:41,359
Yup. And I hear
he's got a sexy surprise for you!
514
00:18:41,360 --> 00:18:44,160
Ooh! I love a sexy surprise!
515
00:18:45,160 --> 00:18:46,639
Oh, there it is!
516
00:18:46,640 --> 00:18:47,679
(SQUEAKING)
(RATTLING)
517
00:18:47,680 --> 00:18:50,159
Stephanie! I need you
in the kitchen! The flaky boys!
518
00:18:50,160 --> 00:18:52,359
Mark is... No, but I....
Go, go, go, go, go, go!
519
00:18:52,360 --> 00:18:53,360
(GROANS)
520
00:18:55,120 --> 00:18:57,159
Alright, lads! What's going on?
521
00:18:57,160 --> 00:19:00,119
Oi. What's that on your T-shirt?
522
00:19:00,120 --> 00:19:02,199
You ain't some kind of dork, are ya?
523
00:19:02,200 --> 00:19:03,919
This? D and D?
524
00:19:03,920 --> 00:19:09,879
Um... Why, no, that's just short
for 'dunkin' dorks'.
525
00:19:09,880 --> 00:19:10,999
Really?
526
00:19:11,000 --> 00:19:12,919
Yeah, I wear it so
if I catch myself in the mirror,
527
00:19:12,920 --> 00:19:15,439
then I can practise creamin' dorks!
528
00:19:15,440 --> 00:19:16,679
See?
529
00:19:16,680 --> 00:19:19,120
Oh! (LAUGHS)
530
00:19:20,120 --> 00:19:22,279
Agh! Wow!
(CHUCKLES) Yeah!
531
00:19:22,280 --> 00:19:23,919
(OTHERS LAUGH)
532
00:19:23,920 --> 00:19:25,959
MICHELLE: Imagine a 21-sided die.
533
00:19:25,960 --> 00:19:28,079
What was that?
Oh. Uh... I don't know.
534
00:19:28,080 --> 00:19:29,080
One sec.
535
00:19:30,080 --> 00:19:32,680
(SQUEAKING)
536
00:19:34,800 --> 00:19:36,879
Is that blood?
What?
537
00:19:36,880 --> 00:19:40,039
There aren't b-b-bullies afoot,
are there?
538
00:19:40,040 --> 00:19:42,079
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
539
00:19:42,080 --> 00:19:45,599
This is just, um...
I got a 4-sided die
540
00:19:45,600 --> 00:19:47,079
stuck up my nose.
541
00:19:47,080 --> 00:19:48,799
Just... Yeah.
Oh! (LAUGHS)
542
00:19:48,800 --> 00:19:50,199
Let me help you.
543
00:19:50,200 --> 00:19:51,839
Oh. Ohh!
OK, mate.
544
00:19:51,840 --> 00:19:53,479
Thank you so much.
545
00:19:53,480 --> 00:19:54,999
Ow!
546
00:19:55,000 --> 00:19:57,199
Oh, thank you so much.
547
00:19:57,200 --> 00:19:58,679
Gotcha.
Mate, Zach, mate,
548
00:19:58,680 --> 00:20:00,679
What are you doing?
Let me go, you bastard.
549
00:20:00,680 --> 00:20:02,999
Toni? You can talk?
550
00:20:03,000 --> 00:20:04,719
Sure can, mate.
It's called the gift of the gab.
551
00:20:04,720 --> 00:20:07,399
Why do you sound like Australian
character actor Ben Mendelsohn?
552
00:20:07,400 --> 00:20:09,519
All hamsters sound like this, mate.
553
00:20:09,520 --> 00:20:12,439
The real question is why does
Ben Mendelsohn sound like a hamster?
554
00:20:12,440 --> 00:20:14,319
I never thought about it that way.
555
00:20:14,320 --> 00:20:16,319
Extra-strong, hot, oat latte!
556
00:20:16,320 --> 00:20:18,039
I've seen enough.
This hurts really bad!
557
00:20:18,040 --> 00:20:20,559
Thank you for wasting my time
in this terrible establishment.
558
00:20:20,560 --> 00:20:22,039
Ohh! Why?
559
00:20:22,040 --> 00:20:23,400
You really want to know?
Mm.
560
00:20:28,720 --> 00:20:29,720
(GASPS)
561
00:20:30,720 --> 00:20:31,879
(TABLET CHIMES)
(DING!)
562
00:20:31,880 --> 00:20:32,880
Agh!
563
00:20:32,881 --> 00:20:35,880
Zach, cut your hair. I love it.
564
00:20:40,880 --> 00:20:43,279
Now release me
from your bastard hands.
565
00:20:43,280 --> 00:20:45,599
I can't.
I made a promise to Sally-Anne.
566
00:20:45,600 --> 00:20:48,359
And Broden made a promise on me
never to be rude again.
567
00:20:48,360 --> 00:20:50,879
I promise never to be rude again
568
00:20:50,880 --> 00:20:52,919
on Toni Rigatoni.
569
00:20:52,920 --> 00:20:55,559
If I'm within a 10-kilometre radius
when he breaks that promise,
570
00:20:55,560 --> 00:20:56,560
and he will,
571
00:20:56,561 --> 00:20:59,359
I'll pop like Joel Edgerton
in Animal Kingdom, mate.
572
00:20:59,360 --> 00:21:00,679
Have you been talking to the cops,
mate?
573
00:21:00,680 --> 00:21:01,680
No.
574
00:21:01,681 --> 00:21:04,279
You can tell me about it. I just want
you to talk to me about it, mate.
575
00:21:04,280 --> 00:21:06,199
I had to ask to be seated.
576
00:21:06,200 --> 00:21:09,079
Coffee was made with platypus milk,
which isn't a thing.
577
00:21:09,080 --> 00:21:11,199
And it was served
in an unsanitary horn.
578
00:21:11,200 --> 00:21:12,879
(HISSING)
579
00:21:12,880 --> 00:21:15,679
I accidently made a booking,
and I need to kind of...
580
00:21:15,680 --> 00:21:17,759
Oh, shrimp fishery!
581
00:21:17,760 --> 00:21:20,719
I don't want to hear
anything about bookings any more,
582
00:21:20,720 --> 00:21:23,319
even if it's absolutely craz...
583
00:21:23,320 --> 00:21:27,479
..crazy, like, uh... vampires
looking to avoid the sight of blood.
584
00:21:27,480 --> 00:21:28,480
Uh...
585
00:21:28,481 --> 00:21:30,439
It IS vampires.
586
00:21:30,440 --> 00:21:32,319
Well, fuck me!
587
00:21:32,320 --> 00:21:33,839
Let me go, you little bastard.
588
00:21:33,840 --> 00:21:34,840
(GROANS)
589
00:21:34,841 --> 00:21:38,199
You instructed an employee
to lock someone in a fridge.
590
00:21:38,200 --> 00:21:39,839
The waiter needs medical attention.
591
00:21:39,840 --> 00:21:42,039
The chef is chasing
around an illegal hamster.
592
00:21:42,040 --> 00:21:43,319
Boys!
593
00:21:43,320 --> 00:21:46,159
Where's my Toni Rigatoni?!
Mama's back!
594
00:21:46,160 --> 00:21:48,560
I don't wanna hit you.
Oh, don't mees with me, mate.
595
00:21:52,040 --> 00:21:54,119
Ah! Velcome!
(VAMPIRES HISS)
596
00:21:54,120 --> 00:21:55,639
Food never came!
597
00:21:55,640 --> 00:21:58,559
And Broden served coffee
with his bare hands!
598
00:21:58,560 --> 00:22:01,479
BRODEN: You saw all that?
Yes, Broden! It's an open-plan cafe!
599
00:22:01,480 --> 00:22:02,999
If we could just...
No!
600
00:22:03,000 --> 00:22:04,479
You listen!
601
00:22:04,480 --> 00:22:07,599
I am going to give
Morning Brown Cafe
602
00:22:07,600 --> 00:22:09,600
a zero-star review!
603
00:22:12,480 --> 00:22:14,119
I'll bite ya.
Argh!
604
00:22:14,120 --> 00:22:15,160
Toni!
605
00:22:16,720 --> 00:22:18,319
(GROANS)
606
00:22:18,320 --> 00:22:19,799
(HISSING)
607
00:22:19,800 --> 00:22:22,760
(GRUNTS)
608
00:22:24,840 --> 00:22:25,920
Uh-oh.
609
00:22:27,040 --> 00:22:28,440
(GASPS)
(VAMPIRES HISS)
610
00:22:29,440 --> 00:22:31,919
Wh... There's a dork in the john
with me!
611
00:22:31,920 --> 00:22:33,399
(ALL EXCLAIM)
612
00:22:33,400 --> 00:22:35,239
Don't touch me!
No! No!
613
00:22:35,240 --> 00:22:36,840
(VAMPIRES HISS)
(BULLIES GRUNT)
614
00:22:38,080 --> 00:22:39,599
(GASPS)
Get him!
615
00:22:39,600 --> 00:22:41,680
Unless...
616
00:22:42,680 --> 00:22:45,279
Is this
617
00:22:45,280 --> 00:22:47,599
a theatre restaurant?
618
00:22:47,600 --> 00:22:49,880
Uh...
619
00:22:53,480 --> 00:22:55,559
Uh...
620
00:22:55,560 --> 00:22:58,119
Uh... Yeah...
621
00:22:58,120 --> 00:23:00,239
Yes, you're right.
Yes, it's theatre.
622
00:23:00,240 --> 00:23:01,759
MARK: Yeah, it is!
Yep.
623
00:23:01,760 --> 00:23:03,720
STEPHANIE: Yep.
Yep.
624
00:23:04,720 --> 00:23:06,679
(QUIETLY) Go along with it.
625
00:23:06,680 --> 00:23:08,439
(QUIETLY)
Oh, oh, good, good, yeah! Uh..
626
00:23:08,440 --> 00:23:11,079
(SINGS) ♪ Hey! 'Cause we're singin'
and dancin'... ♪
627
00:23:11,080 --> 00:23:13,679
(MUMBLES INDISTINCTLY)
628
00:23:13,680 --> 00:23:14,680
(BLOWS WHISTLE)
629
00:23:14,681 --> 00:23:16,999
(SINGS) ♪ I am the lead of the show
630
00:23:17,000 --> 00:23:19,919
♪ Oh, at the theatre restaurant
631
00:23:19,920 --> 00:23:21,959
♪ And I like to fuck... ♪
632
00:23:21,960 --> 00:23:23,959
(GASPS)
633
00:23:23,960 --> 00:23:25,639
♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah!
634
00:23:25,640 --> 00:23:28,799
(SINGS) ♪ This was always the plan
from the start
635
00:23:28,800 --> 00:23:30,159
♪ Well, you... ♪
You!
636
00:23:30,160 --> 00:23:31,759
How dare you?!
Agh!
637
00:23:31,760 --> 00:23:34,719
It's a character. It's the, uh...
638
00:23:34,720 --> 00:23:36,599
(SINGS) ♪ Wizard! ♪
639
00:23:36,600 --> 00:23:38,919
It is the wizard of, um...
640
00:23:38,920 --> 00:23:39,920
Winter!
641
00:23:39,921 --> 00:23:41,479
Wizard of Winter!
642
00:23:41,480 --> 00:23:43,199
It's the Wizard of Winter!
643
00:23:43,200 --> 00:23:44,959
Go along with it.
I'll give you 20 bucks.
644
00:23:44,960 --> 00:23:47,999
♪ Here's the Wizard of Winter
♪ Yes, it's me... ♪
645
00:23:48,000 --> 00:23:49,439
Get on the stage.
646
00:23:49,440 --> 00:23:52,359
Alright, folks, the theatre
restaurant's starting. Take a seat.
647
00:23:52,360 --> 00:23:54,279
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYS)
648
00:23:54,280 --> 00:23:57,439
♪ When I came here
to the wizard place! ♪
649
00:23:57,440 --> 00:23:59,319
Ah! Captain Pissdicks!
650
00:23:59,320 --> 00:24:01,439
Yes, I see it is you.
651
00:24:01,440 --> 00:24:03,399
But no longer are we...
652
00:24:03,400 --> 00:24:05,559
..are we a simple peasant folk,
653
00:24:05,560 --> 00:24:07,159
for we now have...
654
00:24:07,160 --> 00:24:11,439
♪ The w-i-i-i-z-a-a-a-a-a-a-a... ♪
655
00:24:11,440 --> 00:24:12,440
It's...
656
00:24:12,441 --> 00:24:15,559
♪ ..a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a... ♪
657
00:24:15,560 --> 00:24:17,279
Kiss me, you fool!
658
00:24:17,280 --> 00:24:23,640
(BOTH MOAN)
659
00:24:25,280 --> 00:24:28,319
(VOCALISES OPERATICALLY)
660
00:24:28,320 --> 00:24:30,119
(GASPS)
661
00:24:30,120 --> 00:24:33,599
♪ Ah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! ♪
662
00:24:33,600 --> 00:24:35,759
(SIREN WAILS)
663
00:24:35,760 --> 00:24:37,239
(RAPS) ♪ I'm blood boy
664
00:24:37,240 --> 00:24:38,719
♪ And I'm here to say
665
00:24:38,720 --> 00:24:41,719
♪ I reckon
everything's gonna be A-OK. ♪
666
00:24:41,720 --> 00:24:42,720
Have you met...
Bang!
667
00:24:42,721 --> 00:24:45,319
Oh! I've been assassinated!
668
00:24:45,320 --> 00:24:46,559
Bang!
669
00:24:46,560 --> 00:24:48,279
He's been assassinated too.
670
00:24:48,280 --> 00:24:49,599
Bang!
Oh!
671
00:24:49,600 --> 00:24:50,799
Someone shoot me. Someone shoot me.
672
00:24:50,800 --> 00:24:51,959
Bang!
Thank you!
673
00:24:51,960 --> 00:24:53,319
Bang! Bang!
674
00:24:53,320 --> 00:24:54,959
Bang! Bang! Bang!
Bang! Bang!
675
00:24:54,960 --> 00:24:57,039
Bang! Bang!
676
00:24:57,040 --> 00:24:59,159
(INAUDIBLE)
677
00:24:59,160 --> 00:25:01,159
♪ Ave
678
00:25:01,160 --> 00:25:05,919
♪ Maria! ♪
(WAILS)
679
00:25:05,920 --> 00:25:08,159
(CRIES)
680
00:25:08,160 --> 00:25:09,879
Hitler invaded Poland.
681
00:25:09,880 --> 00:25:13,239
We need all of you
to report right to World War II now.
682
00:25:13,240 --> 00:25:15,679
Say there, Sally-Anne,
where are you going to?
683
00:25:15,680 --> 00:25:16,879
Wollongong.
684
00:25:16,880 --> 00:25:18,279
Choo-choo!
685
00:25:18,280 --> 00:25:20,239
What are you doing in Wollongong?
686
00:25:20,240 --> 00:25:21,719
Gonna have a perm.
687
00:25:21,720 --> 00:25:23,319
ALL: ♪ Yeah! ♪
688
00:25:23,320 --> 00:25:25,000
Whoo!
689
00:25:26,040 --> 00:25:27,120
(CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS)
690
00:25:28,400 --> 00:25:31,199
(READS) "Despite it feeling
like a group of mostly strangers
691
00:25:31,200 --> 00:25:33,359
"making the show up
as they went along,
692
00:25:33,360 --> 00:25:36,119
"thankfully,
my taste in theatre is fucked."
693
00:25:36,120 --> 00:25:38,239
Four and a half stars!
694
00:25:38,240 --> 00:25:39,959
Yes-s-s-s-s-s-s.
695
00:25:39,960 --> 00:25:41,399
(LAUGHS)
696
00:25:41,400 --> 00:25:44,519
And how soon after the performance
do you think it was
697
00:25:44,520 --> 00:25:46,599
that everyone
started attacking each other?
698
00:25:46,600 --> 00:25:48,999
To my memory, almost immediately.
699
00:25:49,000 --> 00:25:51,759
Um... Are you guys
gonna help me clean?
700
00:25:51,760 --> 00:25:53,399
(MEN LAUGH)
701
00:25:53,400 --> 00:25:54,400
MEN: No.
702
00:25:54,400 --> 00:25:55,400
No. No, no, no.
703
00:25:55,400 --> 00:25:56,400
No.
704
00:25:56,401 --> 00:25:57,879
Oh, a quiz!
Yeah, shall we?
705
00:25:57,880 --> 00:26:01,559
Which animal has the largest brain?
706
00:26:01,560 --> 00:26:02,959
Human.
707
00:26:02,960 --> 00:26:04,479
Hmm...
708
00:26:04,480 --> 00:26:07,119
I love the brands we can use.
709
00:26:07,120 --> 00:26:09,359
Wait, it was sperm whale.
710
00:26:09,360 --> 00:26:10,479
Of course.
711
00:26:10,480 --> 00:26:12,319
Uh... Number six...
712
00:26:12,320 --> 00:26:13,999
Uh... Number two.
713
00:26:14,000 --> 00:26:17,679
In what country
is the Canary Islands?
714
00:26:17,680 --> 00:26:18,999
Canary.
715
00:26:19,000 --> 00:26:20,319
Mm. Broden?
716
00:26:20,320 --> 00:26:21,479
Canary.
717
00:26:21,480 --> 00:26:22,519
Wait. Uh...
718
00:26:22,520 --> 00:26:24,359
No, it's Spain.
719
00:26:24,360 --> 00:26:25,439
(BANGS TABLE)
720
00:26:25,440 --> 00:26:26,919
Hey!
Sorry, I just...
721
00:26:26,920 --> 00:26:28,239
We're not gonna have fun, man.
722
00:26:28,240 --> 00:26:30,879
It's not fun for me
unless I'm winning.
723
00:26:30,880 --> 00:26:33,519
Oh, my God. That IS a lot of bodies.
724
00:26:33,520 --> 00:26:36,119
Don't let it distract you.
Stick to the quiz, please.
725
00:26:36,120 --> 00:26:37,399
But it's...
726
00:26:37,400 --> 00:26:39,959
Is that a little heavy
for an ABC sitcom?
727
00:26:39,960 --> 00:26:41,239
Mm.
We'll see.
728
00:26:41,240 --> 00:26:43,799
Alright, uh...
Oh, my God, John Howard won!
729
00:26:43,800 --> 00:26:46,359
What? How old is this paper?
(ALL LAUGH)
730
00:26:46,360 --> 00:26:47,959
Captions by Red Bee Media
731
00:26:47,960 --> 00:26:49,960
Copyright
Australian Broadcasting Corporation
50662
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