Original subtitles

Boys, are you ready to read the customer complaints box?

OTHERS: Yeah! Ha-ha!

I can't wait for some healthy, constructive criticism.

(MUMBLES)

(CHUCKLES)

OK! Cool. Next.

Where'd your hat go? What?

I never had a hat. OK.

What? Do I have to address that?

Um...

I think it's a decade-old sketch character, but I'm not sure.

Next one!

That's King Henry VIII. Yeah.

Ha. Boomer! Yeah.

We do do chai lattes.

Really? Yeah!

Oh, sick.

I'll have one of your chai lattes, please.

Yeah, of course.

There you go.

Thanks for letting me know you do chai lattes.

I didn't... I didn't, though. I don't understand.

Oh, you will.

Well, I wouldn't say I understand.

If anything, I'm a little more confused.

You would love it. Shaun Micallef is a...

Wow. Off he goes.

Here we go. (LAUGHS)

Uh-oh, I think someone put their shopping list in the box.

Agh!

What did that last bit say, Mark?

Something about sticking things up my dick.

OK.

Guys, me next.

But you're doing them all!

When I'm eating, so, I was like, oh!

PATRON: What kind of sandwich have you got there?

Oh, salad sandwich.

Are you pooing at the minute?

Did you know the Uruk-hai of Bahadur

consider pooing to be a communal activity?

(FARTS) (PLOP!)

No.

Ooh, OK, we get door.

Agreed. Yeah, that's...

Titles!

(THEME MUSIC PLAYS)

So, what's the problem?

There's no door.

Well, better fix the dunny door then.

No, there IS no door.

Well, I can't fix something that's not here, boys.

Besides, I've got plans.

What?

I'm watching that show on YouTube,

you know that cake-that-looks- like-something-else show?

You know, "Tricked you! Just a cake, dumb fuck,"

or whatever it's called.

No, Sally-Anne, we need a door.

Oh, alright then.

I'll just do a bit of conjuring and conjure one up, shall I?

I am not James fucking Wan!

It's fine. I'll just call a tradie.

You will not.

Those dodgy bastards will charge me through the arsehole.

Just give me a day.

There is nothing I can't learn off a YouTube tutorial.

Watched one on manicures last night.

What do you think of that?

Oh.

Oh, which reminds me.

What was the Queen...

What are you doing? ..suddenly becomes...

..a whale

sucking on a big, fat one.

Saw that on YouTube too.

Can you please just get us a door?

One of these days I'm gonna teach you a lesson on how to have some fun

like I do.

Yeah? (SCATS)

Na-na-na. Yeah, yeah.

(SCATS)

Do the snake. Do the snake. Do the snake.

March. March. March. March.

Da-da, da, da.

Da-da, da, da-da.

Da!

Yeah-yeah! Yeah-yeah! Yeah-yeah!

Da-da, da-da, da-da, da...

Did... Is she... fixing the door or...

I don't know. I don't know.

Happy! Happy! Happy! Happy!

(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS)

What the bloody hell's going on here?

Think about it - why would a whale be sucking a fat one on the $5 note

unless they wanted to tell me something?

It's a conspiracy, I tell ya!

(CHORTLES)

Oh, it's just a coincidence, numbnuts.

Why do your nuts always got to be so numb?

This is like when you thought one old man from Adelaide

owned all of the world's media

and used influence and misinformation

to control elections.

(LAUGHS) I was wrong about that one.

But I still don't trust Jimmy Barnes.

Chisel should be warm.

(OTHERS LAUGH)

(GUFFAWS) Ah!

Ohh! So stupid!

(BOTH SCREAM)

(LAUGHS) Ah!

I'm warning you. I'll go into rap.

What are you gonna do? Sing a song about it? Idiot!

(RAPS) ♪ Stop laughing at me

♪ This isn't funny

♪ I tell you, something's going on with the bloody money. ♪

No, there isn't.

♪ Well, I'm Broden Kelly And I'm starting to pout

♪ Come with me, you'll see I'll figure this out. ♪

We're gonna stay here and deal with the door.

♪ Now I'm on my way Last chance to come along. ♪

What? No.

No, we're good, man. We're good.

♪ I'm gonna prove you wrong! ♪

No, you won't.

♪ I would really like the company. ♪

God, the company. (SIGHS HEAVILY)

♪ Please? ♪

We're gonna... stay and fix... We're gonna stay and fix the door.

♪ Well, fuck you both! I'll do it myself!

♪ You're a pack of (BLEEP!)

♪ I'll fuckin' figure it out all by myself!

♪ You're a fuckin' pair of (BLEEP!) ♪

I care about him, but if I were to never see him again...

To heck with Mark and Zach.

If I was going to get answers, I'd have to start at the tip

and work my way down.

I'd have to find a whale and make it sink...

Ooh, fishies.

Broden Kelly 360.

Thelma, is it? Direct me to your finest, horniest, sexiest whales.

What do you know about whales?

And fat ones?

And whales sucking on fat ones, Thelma?

Sir, we don't have whales. This is a pet shop for the fishies.

And I'm a busy pet-shop owner, a boss lady, an entrepreneur,

the queen of the fishy bizz-bizz.

So, are you gonna buy some fishies or ain't ya?

Hmm...

Beautiful fishy. I will call him Broden the Fishy.

That'll be five dollaridoos.

$5?

Nah, I need this for my adventures.

Ah, but Broden the Fishy.

Argh. What a predicament. What do I do?

$5 fishy.

Fishy, what I do? What do I do?

Broden Kelly. Gah!

Do you know where I can get more of these?

There's an ATM across the road at the Harold Holt Swim Centre.

Harold Holt? Who's that?

He's the ex-prime minister of Australia. He's pretty famous.

Oh, wow.

OK, this is gonna be wei... Are you a video-game character?

There's an ATM across the road at the Harold Holt Swim Centre.

Yeah, you've got the energy of, like,

one of them characters you run across in an adventure.

That's sick.

These are all the fish options we have at this time.

What happens if I go away and come back?

Sir, we don't have whales. This is a pet shop for fishies.

Alright. I'll see ya later. I'm a busy pet-shop owner...

That's fun. ..entrepreneur...

That's fun. ..queen of the fishy bizz-bizz...

Help me.

Ah!

The door!

Wow. (LAUGHS)

Thank you so much, Sally-Anne.

Finally patrons of the cafe can go to the toilet

and not be worried about people seeing them take a shit.

Speaking of which, I might actually...

Oh. Oh. Of course. ..take advantage, if you don't mind.

Number ones or number two?

Don't tell me. (LAUGHS)

Is this... cake?

Gotcha! (LAUGHS)

Oh, I just wanted you guys to have a bit of fun,

make it out of cake, you know?

You take things far too serious. Mm.

You know what?

This gives me an idea.

Mm.

And I'm hoping that idea

is "Let's fix the door" and... and not "Let's make stuff out of cake."

Nah, it's the cake thing.

Shit. Yeah. (SNICKERS)

Tree. Umbrella. Ladder. Seat. Pool.

Thus concludes the Harold Holt Swim Centre tour.

I will now answer any other questions you may have.

You.

Any advice for aspiring...

..wha... um...

..people who work here?

Yeah. Don't push kids in the pool. OK.

And again? You.

Your ATM appears to be broken,

and your boss, Harold Holt, hasn't fixed it.

So, my question to you, Jordan,

is one - is this part of the conspiracy?

And two - what the fuck are you trying to hide?

What conspiracy?

The whale sucking on a fat one on the $5 note, dingus!

OK, so, one - Harold Holt will not be fixing the ATM

because he went missing in the ocean 60 years ago.

(OTHERS LAUGH) I knew that.

(LAUGHTER CONTINUES)

Yeah. Two - the ATM does work. I saw you use it.

You just don't have any money in your account.

(OTHERS LAUGH) Different card.

(LAUGHTER CONTINUES)

And three -

the whale suckin' a fat one is just a silly coincidence, mate.

Everyone knows that.

(OTHERS LAUGH)

Yeah. And if it's money you're after, you should go to the mint.

Maybe they can make you some!

(OTHERS LAUGH)

I'll show you!

You'll rue the day, Jordan!

Stop laughing at me! (LAUGHTER CONTINUES)

R-o-o-o-o-o-o-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-r!

Good luck finding Nemo.

Agh! (OTHERS LAUGH)

(ZACH LAUGHS)

Oh, oh, shh, shh.

Hey! Could I just get the house blend ground for espresso, please?

Su-sure. Here it is.

(LAUGHS) Oh, thank you so much!

Oh! It's cake!

(LAUGHS)

What? I didn't even...

We got you! You got...

(COUGHS, SNIFFS)

Sorry, can I just grab a glass of water, please?

Uh... Yeah, of course you can.

Thank you.

(STIFLES LAUGHTER)

Is this cake? It IS cake!

(LAUGHS)

We got you!

That's so funny.

I'm gonna get a card for next time, OK? I'll just...

(GASPS)

It's cake again! Ah!

(ALL LAUGH)

Are there peanuts in this? Oh, yes, quite a lot of them.

(LAUGHS)

I'm gonna go into anaphylactic shock.

(LAUGHS)

For real?

Yeah. (SNIFFS) Yeah.

Hi. Welcome. What can I get for you today?

You can have literally anything.

Um... I'll just get a cake, please.

Did you...

Did you just ask for a cake?

Yeah.

Just one. What, a cake?

A cake, yeah.

Uh...

(MICHELLE COUGHS)

I don't know what an EpiPen looks like!

It's that one just there! Oh!

(GASPS) Here!

Thank you.

No!

Got you!

Careful, there's peanuts in that too.

You need to call an ambulance. I just...

N-o-o-o-o-o-o-o!

Got you!

Also, we can't use the defibrillator

because that's cake too.

It's all cake.

Don't... What are you doing, Michelle? Don't eat the cake!

(QUIETLY) Thank you so much. Shh. (QUIETLY) OK, a tiny one.

Shh. A tiny one. Shh.

(GASPS) Oh! Oh, God!

Just ask for something else.

I only want cake, so...

Fuck!

Get out.

Just get the fuck out!

Get the fuck out of here!

Fuck off! Fuck off! OK. I'm going.

I'm sorry. I don't know what I did. Fuck! Fuck!

Fuck!

Excuse me. I'm the health inspector.

(WHIMPERS)

Would either of you care to tell me

why I found this rat in your establishment?

BOTH: Oh, uh...

Right. Um...

So... So, we're doing this 'is this cake?' thing.

And I suppose, with all the extra cake,

maybe some of it fell to the ground.

Is that where you trick people into thinking

that cake is everyday objects?

BOTH: Yeah.

And you've been doing this all day?

BOTH: Yeah.

So, you're probably quite good at it!

BOTH: Eh...

Hey! Maybe... I'm being tricked right now.

Maybe this wee boy

ain't a rat at all.

Maybe he's a cake!

Huh?! (LAUGHS)

Well...

..there's only one way to find out, isn't there, boys? Eh?

(LAUGHS) Here we go!

Ah! Tail first.

In the Italian way.

A-a-a-a-a-a-h...

Hi. My name's Broden Kelly.

I'm looking for a $5 note to prove to my asshole friends

that there's a deep-state conspiracy involving whales, blowjobs

and now Harold Holt, apparently.

Can you make me a new $5 note, mint?

Oh, oh, I see what's happened here. Yeah.

We're a... We're a lolly shop, we sell breath mints,

but we're not THE mint where they make the money.

Oh.

You'd be surprised how often this little mistake happens.

Really? Yeah. Honestly, it really upsets me.

It actually has, like... It's... it's fucked up my home life real bad...

OK. ..you know, like...

I'm like... I am on a fucking knife's edge.

OK. I've got to work on that.

Not... It's not you.

Sorry. sorry. It's not you.

I'll buy that Dory fish off you for $5.

Hmm...

Well, Broden the Fishy, it's one last kissy. Mwah.

And now it's goodbye.

Thank you. Thank you.

Hey, pop quiz. Yeah?

You know when they first printed the $5 note?

No. 1967.

Oh. How did you know that?

Because I used to work at the mint.

Really? Yeah.

But I quit that job and I opened up a lolly shop

because people kept coming in to the mint asking for breath mints.

And now they're coming in asking me about money!

So, you... And it fucks me up! It fucks me up!

No matter what I do, no matter where I turn,

it's fucking up.

It's fucked it up! OK. Have a good one.

Hey, do you want to see me do stairs a bit?

Oh, please!

Did it look like I was walking down stairs?

Because I wasn't.

Ohh.

So, what's the deal, then?

No more cakes. Yeah. No more cake.

You still thinking about seeing that man eat a whole rat in front of us?

I don't... I don't understand why he ate the whole thing.

It's the sound.

The sound of the rat screaming.

But, hey, we've had our fun with the cakes.

Maybe we should get to the problem of the toilet door.

We can't afford that. Where will we get the money?

Well...

..I was thinking if we preheat the oven...

Did we not just say no more cake?!

One more cake, Zachary.

You've got to trust me.

Ohh...

BOTH: Ah!

Alright, we're on. She's coming. There she is.

Hi. Hi.

Hi. I'm Renesme.

You're the guys selling the Toyota sedan, right?

Yes, we are. Hi. Nice to meet you. Hi.

And here it is. Yeah.

Oh.

So, it's just been roadworthy'd.

It's a '99 model,

so, it's got about 120 Ks on it.

That sounds like a lot, but... Yeah.

..but that's actually quite low considering how old it is.

OK. The rego?

Uh... Three months, I think.

Still three months on it. Yeah.

It's in great nick. Hop in if you want, please.

Oh, yeah? Jump in, see how it feels.

Oh!

Previous services -

you've got a logbook that's got that all registered.

Yeah. Just check in the... If you look in the glove box...

Yep. ..just there.

Oh, here it is. Last service was about...

Yeah, about four months ago.

Now, this has only ever been serviced...

..at a Toyota great centre. Yeah. Great.

I'm gonna take it! I'll take it. (GASPS)

Great. Great. Is cash OK?

Amazing. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Cash is incredible. Yeah, cash.

Thank you. Thank YOU.

Gotcha!

(BOTH SCREAM)

And that, my boys, is why you never make anything out of cake.

But, Sally-Anne, you were the one that told us

it would be fun to make things out of cake.

I also said I was gonna teach you two a lesson.

But the lesson was supposed to be about having fun.

Yeah, you're right. I did say that.

Well, I'm gonna head off.

Thanks so much for the car.

(TYRES SKID, ENGINE ZOOMS)

She's zooming! Ha-ha!

I've got to get me one of those fancy cars.

Ha.

It reminds me of the time I had these three dumb tenants, right?

And they needed their dunny door fixed,

so, I made it out of cake. (LAUGHS)

They were none the fuckin' wiser.

(LAUGHS) True.

Sally-Anne, that was us.

That happened earlier today, Sally-Anne, remember?

Sal... Sal?

Sally-Anne, you're not saying anything.

OK. OK.

As I continued to walk down the cobblestoned streets

thinking of stupid Mark and stupid Broden and stupid Zach,

I thought to myself

if such a conspicuous clue was on the $5 note

perhaps other secrets were hidden on the other notes.

So, I headed to the one man that knows more about cash

than anyone else.

(GASPS)

Gino, my drug dealer who sells me steroids!

Broden, my favourite customer who buys and uses steroids.

Yes, I do. I love steroids.

Me too. They make me feel amazing!

Look at ya! Agh!

I love steroids.

Would you like to buy some now? Hmm, not today, Gino.

You know, I'm full of them from breakfast.

I can tell by the way you walked in here.

I'm like, "That's a man on steroids right there."

Listen, I'm not here for steroids today.

Yes, steroids!

Would you like to buy some steroids now?

Not today, Gino, I need your help. What do you know about cash?

What are you doing?

Here, let me tell you in another scene.

On the 100, it's Dame Nellie Melba,

one of Australia's greatest opera singers.

Oh!

On the 10 it's Banjo Paterson,

a poet who told Australian stories through ballad and song.

Fascinating, my drug dealer, Gino.

David Unaipon,

an incredible First Nations public speaker, writer and inventor

adorns the 50.

This is cool. And who's that on the 20?

Why, it's Mary Reibey, of course.

Wow.

A pioneer businesswoman

who specialised in shipping and property.

So many questions. But how do I reach these people?

Mate, for that you have to go to the cemetery.

Oh, they all... They all work at cemetery?

Broden...

Sweet Broden,

your muscles might be big, but those steroids...

..they have fucked your brain, mate.

They fucked it right there.

There's no coming back from that, mate.

But I'll keep on takin' 'em!

And I'll keep on sellin' 'em!

Yeah! (LAUGHS)

(BOTH GROAN)

Dead.

Dead.

Dead.

I can't ask any of these historical figures questions

because they're dead.

Maybe this WAS a coincidence.

Maybe there's no whales sucking fat ones.

Maybe I'm just... (MAN FARTS)

Hey, what the hell?! Get back here!

Guy farted on my dick.

What the...

The grave of Harold Holt?

That's it.

I have the answers!

Hey!

If it's OK with you, we'd like to bury my husband in peace!

Oopsie-poopsie!

Oopsie-poopsie!

Oopsie-poopsie.

Poopsie-poodle!

Poopety-poopsie-poopsie!

Doodle flip.

Sorry for your loss. That's alright.

Oopsie-poopsie!

Now to prove those bum-heads wrong.

Very excited for Broden's show.

So, in 1967, Harold Holt went missing in the ocean.

But what actually happened, he was out there getting his fat one

sucked on by whales, which was his kink - no kink shame! -

and he learned from one of the whales,

'cause he could speak to whales like Dory in Finding Nemo, who is a fishy,

that Mary Reibey had invented immortality technology using polymer,

which is what money is printed on.

Harold Holt tried to spill the beans

'cause he wanted to put it on Medicare 'cause he's prime minister,

they had him killed, you stupid fuck-heads.

And who is they?

So, 'they' are the immortal figures who are on the money

who used Mary Reibey's immortality technology to stay alive,

and they tried to blackmail Harold Holt

by putting his dick kink on the $5 note in 1967.

But they couldn't blackmail him, could they?

The same year, Harold Holt went missing in the ocean

because they murdered him.

But that's not really what happened at all,

you stupid fuckwits who laughed at me.

And what DID happen?

So, in 1967, Harold Holt goes for a swim,

uh-oh, out of nowhere,

Banjo Paterson's atomic submarine shoots a torpedo,

it misses, Holt grabs onto it, takes it all the way to New York City,

where he was accidentally covered in a super ooze

alongside a rat and four turtles.

Him and his mutant friends

defended the streets of New York with Ninjutsu.

Is that clear, you negative cuckwits?!

Mm. Mm.

(PANTS)

And you...

You found all this today by going to a lolly shop?

(PANTS)

I'm right!

I'm right!

Oh, no!

Boys, I'm wasting my life!

It's stupid and I'm dumb!

Broden, that's not what we're saying.

Yes, it is. Oh, yes, it is.

That IS what we're saying.

I'm sorry, boys. I guess I just wasted everybody's...

What the...

(GASPS)

Broden Kelly!

(GASPS)

(RECITES) Well, well, boys, you figured it out.

What Broden said is true.

And there is no doubt you are on the money.

But so are we.

And now, like Holt, you'll pay for your curiosity.

(RECITES) How in the Christmas was I right?

(RECITES) I thought you'd be happy. Nah, this is fucked.

(RECITES) For uncovering our secret of immortality

there are many nasty things I shall do to thee.

We'll come into your house, unplug your wi-fi.

Open up your cereal so it goes dry.

(RECITES) We'll unlock your car and piss in your boot.

(RECITES) We'll hide your lube so you have a dry root.

Debone your fish but leave the skin.

Put your shoes outside so they fill with snails.

(RECITES) Prematurely turn off your clothes dryer.

Set the wrong temperature on your air-fryer.

We are on the money, but so are you,

and now you've found the secret to our immortal crew.

And you'll pay dearly for...

ALL: (SING) ♪ Being on the money

♪ Because we're on the money! ♪

(RECITES) There was movement in their bottoms

as I approached the lads.

Hearing of their fate, they cried for mums and dads.

Should I entwine their shoelaces or should I hide their keys?

And it came to me like a mighty wind.

Old Banjo

will tickle their tummies.

Is... Is, um...

Is that it?

Oh, you want it worse than that?

(LAUGHS)

(RECITES) We'll spit in your coffee!

Take the apples from your toffee! Unbalance the scales!

Redirect your mail!

Have you noticed that Unaipon isn't in the scene?

It's a tale about portrayal in a fitting first scene.

Uncle was a genius that most had never seen.

So, a first appearance now?

Yeah, nah, fuck that.

Yeah, a shout-out to your Ngarrindjeri mob there.

Any of you mob got $50?

(PLAYS GLAM-ROCK MUSIC)

And if that wasn't quite enough,

then get a load of this.

(LAUGHS)

Ah. Right.

Fuck.

I'm gonna stab and kill you for...

♪ Being on the money! Because we're on the money!

♪ Because we're on the

♪ M-o-o-o-o-o-o... ♪

(ALL SCREAM)

(GASPS)

(LAUGHS)

What?

What in the fuck?

Is it... cake?!

Yes! Yes!

Yeah! We got you!

Fooled by cake!

You never could have guessed

that we got so good at turning things into cakes

that we baked sentient cakes of ourselves

and then replaced ourselves with the cakes.

Ha-ha! Ha!

Ha! Got ya!

Yeah!

With all the loose ends tied up, perfect opportunity to say goodb...

I told you I'd be back, you historical bastards!

Harold Holt!

But we killed you!

Oh, so, you thought.

But, just as Broden uncovered before I was torpedoed...

Hey, this is all really good stuff, guys, it's just that...

..we were actually super satisfied, weren't we?

We were super satisfied with how it wrapped up, and we need to go home.

You'll have to get through my super forcefield technology first, Holt.

(ELECTRICITY BUZZES, CRACKLES)

(FARTS)

It can't be! Future Broden?

Yes, 'tis I,

all the way from 2024.

'Tis I who farted on my own dick...

(FARTS) ..leading me to the final clue.

And now you must all die.

Future Broden? Then the prophecy is true.

Oh, my God. Oh, the prophecy.

God, the credits are about to...

Ah. There we go. Oh.

Comes upon the... Ohh!

(INDISTINCT YELLING)

Wow.

Wowie.

(SIGHS)

So, did you do that door?

What? What door?

The toilet door. Did you fix the toilet door?

No. Zach and I were doing cake stuff today, dude.

The whole cake thing. That was earlier.

Oh, we made a car out of cake and sold it to someone,

and then they drove it off. It was sick.

And then we tried to fix the toilet door with cake. That was fun.

That's when Sally-Anne turned it into cake.

So, did you fix the toilet door?

The toilet door? What are you talking about?

No, you don't fix... You don't FIX cake.

You EAT cake.

You bake a cake. You bake cake and you eat it.

'Fix' is not a verb that works with cake.

You have been saying some crazy stuff today, mate.

Oh! Remember when you thought

the people on the money were real and there was, like, a conspiracy?

I was wrong about that. But, you know, I still think we need a toilet.

No, you weren't. No, they're right there.

What are you talking about? Is that who they are?

You're saying the craziest stuff, dude.

Are they the money people that you were talking about?

He's... That explains a lot.

Captions by Red Bee Media

Copyright Australian Broadcasting Corporation