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00:00:01,000 --> 00:00:02,720
(THUNDER CRASHES)
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(SPOOKY MUSIC PLAYS)
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VOICEOVER: Dear viewer here,
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prepare for a shock,
5
00:00:15,560 --> 00:00:19,719
for it's fast approaching
spooky o'clock.
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00:00:19,720 --> 00:00:23,799
It begins with an idea
from an unusual place,
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from a doe-eyed man
with a dumb, stupid face.
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00:00:27,040 --> 00:00:28,959
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
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Mark, I just had an idea.
10
00:00:31,240 --> 00:00:33,999
Oh, dude, you have such bad ideas,
though, Zach.
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You don't remember?
OK...
12
00:00:35,160 --> 00:00:37,479
Like when you suggested
that we should open at 5:00AM.
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Too early.
I don't like getting up early.
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We're up early
'cause YOU'RE up early.
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(ALL WHIMPER)
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This is a good one, man. Come on.
I don't know, man. I don't know.
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Remember when you said
we should close at lunch?
18
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Open up!
We can't! We're closed!
19
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We're doing a thing
where we're not open at lunch time.
20
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Why?!
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This is similar to that idea,
but this is a good one, I promise.
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I don't know, man!
Remember when you had the idea
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that we should have an incursion
on our day off?
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And she said
to never show my butt and-or anus
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00:01:03,320 --> 00:01:04,799
to a stranger.
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What do YOU think, Mr Paedophile?!
27
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I think it would be really nice
for ME.
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I guess I'll do it.
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Stop.
Stop.
30
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Showing your anus to a person online
is not OK.
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This isn't appropriate
for a corporate event.
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Well, you HAVE stopped sending me
photos of your arsehole, Mark.
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I don't know, man!
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Do you remember when you convinced
me I should spend my life savings
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hosting a football-themed quiz show
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even though I don't know anything
about football?
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Question number one -
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how, uh... many
39
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ruckmen
40
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are... there?
41
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Now?
42
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Yeah!
Or ever?
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OK.
Or in a team?
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Yeah, time...
(BUZZER)
45
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I don't know
what the fuck you were talking...
46
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Next question. Uh... How much?
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How much?
Yeah.
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How much is it?
Yeah.
49
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How much is it?
To go?
50
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(BUZZER)
Doesn't matter.
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00:01:52,000 --> 00:01:54,119
What about that idea that you...
Mark, stop this!
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But I've got 19 more examples.
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I'm powering through with my idea.
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Fine. I will feign interest,
I suppose.
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Alright, so, you know how our cafe,
like all cafes, closes at 3:30PM?
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00:02:05,920 --> 00:02:06,920
Yeah?!
57
00:02:06,921 --> 00:02:10,519
And you know how some people
want coffee after 3:30PM?
58
00:02:10,520 --> 00:02:11,520
Yeah?!
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00:02:11,521 --> 00:02:15,839
What if we stayed open after 3:30PM?
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Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
No, that's... that's... that's crazy.
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I mean, is that even legal?
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Sure it is, Mark. Think about it.
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We could sell coffee
to all the people that want coffee
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in that window of time.
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We'll make millions.
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Zach, you've actually
had a really good idea.
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What's that saying?
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A broken clock is accidentally not
a dumb fuck, or something like that.
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(CHUCKLES)
When did you want to try this?
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Well, I'm not doing anything
tonight.
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Me neither. Bro, what about you?
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No can do, boys.
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I got the Blueberry Burglar's
bucks party tonight.
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00:02:48,760 --> 00:02:50,599
Oh, shiver-me-timbers,
that's tonight?
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I completely forgot.
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Wait, the Blueberry Burglar
is having a bucks,
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and he didn't invite me?
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That's bullshit!
But you...
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Oh, sorry. I forgot that I...
I sentenced him to death.
80
00:02:58,800 --> 00:02:59,800
Yeah.
Carry on.
81
00:02:59,801 --> 00:03:02,399
I'd love to come, but I don't
have a car. Could I get a lift...
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See ya, losers.
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00:03:04,000 --> 00:03:05,759
Broden, could I get a lift? Broden!
84
00:03:05,760 --> 00:03:07,359
Can I get a lift with...
85
00:03:07,360 --> 00:03:08,360
Oh.
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00:03:08,361 --> 00:03:10,359
Oh, come on, Mark. Chin up, mate.
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Chin up!
88
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Chin up. Get that chin up.
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Get it up!
Ow.
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Staying open till 5:00.
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OK.
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BOTH: Staying open till 5:00.
Yeah, yeah. I love this
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00:03:20,240 --> 00:03:21,599
BOTH: Staying open till 5:00.
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Yeah.
What?!
95
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BOTH: Staying open till 5:00!
96
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Staying op...
(THUNDER CRASHES)
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(CACKLES)
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Heed this warning, boys,
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for staying open past 3:30
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shall bring about a darkness
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the likes of which
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your mortal souls cannot control.
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(CACKLES)
104
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So, is that soy or almond milk
with your latte?
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Soy.
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Cool. Right.
Thank you.
107
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Oh, and it will just be
about a minute on the wrap.
108
00:03:57,040 --> 00:03:59,679
Oh, fine. It's not a problem.
That's fine.
109
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Like, I'd rather it take longer
and be properly toasted.
110
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Know what I mean?
(CHUCKLES)
111
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Yeah. Nothing worse
than a cold schnitzel.
112
00:04:05,160 --> 00:04:07,240
Oh, my gosh. No.
Yeah.
113
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(STEAMER HISSES)
114
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It's crazy how, um...
how well Collingwood's doing, eh?
115
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Mm, that's...
I didn't, um...
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Top eight.
117
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Pardon?
118
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Top eight.
119
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Right.
Yeah.
120
00:04:40,560 --> 00:04:43,560
(THEME MUSIC PLAYS)
121
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Hey, Broden! Hey!
Hey. How're you going? Hey!
122
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Yeah, ready for my bucks party?
It's gonna be wild!
123
00:05:06,400 --> 00:05:08,639
Hey, I got you some blueberries.
I know you like them.
124
00:05:08,640 --> 00:05:10,319
No, I don't do that anymore.
125
00:05:10,320 --> 00:05:12,439
Yeah, like, the whole
Blueberry Burglar thing,
126
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just... I don't want to let it
take over my identity.
127
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OK.
Yeah.
128
00:05:16,000 --> 00:05:17,279
Uh... Cool.
129
00:05:17,280 --> 00:05:18,280
Cool, cool, cool.
130
00:05:18,281 --> 00:05:20,559
Hey, you boys ready for a wild day?
131
00:05:20,560 --> 00:05:23,080
ALL: Yeah!
132
00:05:26,600 --> 00:05:29,600
(SPOOKY MUSIC PLAYS)
133
00:05:31,760 --> 00:05:32,760
OK.
134
00:05:33,840 --> 00:05:36,759
So, maybe there's not
as much demand for coffee at 3:30
135
00:05:36,760 --> 00:05:38,479
as we first suspected?
136
00:05:38,480 --> 00:05:39,919
Hm? Oh. Yeah.
137
00:05:39,920 --> 00:05:40,920
Oh.
138
00:05:40,921 --> 00:05:42,919
We should put that we're open
on the chalkboard.
139
00:05:42,920 --> 00:05:44,399
Oh, great idea. Yeah.
140
00:05:44,400 --> 00:05:45,799
But how do we make it funny?
141
00:05:45,800 --> 00:05:48,399
Oh, yeah, chalkboards
have to be funny these days.
142
00:05:48,400 --> 00:05:50,719
Yeah, I saw one the other day
for a bar,
143
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and it had an arrow
pointing to the door
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00:05:52,600 --> 00:05:54,879
saying, "This way - beer."
145
00:05:54,880 --> 00:05:56,799
And then it had an arrow
pointing away from the door
146
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saying, "That way - real life."
(CHUCKLES)
147
00:06:00,120 --> 00:06:02,679
Ah. Sorry, it might be
a little over my head.
148
00:06:02,680 --> 00:06:04,759
If only I had some kind of guide
to being funny,
149
00:06:04,760 --> 00:06:07,279
like Kochie's Best Jokes Volume One
150
00:06:07,280 --> 00:06:09,799
or Kochie's Best Jokes Volume Four
151
00:06:09,800 --> 00:06:13,319
or Kochie's Guide To Keeping It Real
by David Koch,
152
00:06:13,320 --> 00:06:16,079
which are all real books,
by the way.
153
00:06:16,080 --> 00:06:19,079
But, Zach, you can't
compare yourself to King Koch.
154
00:06:19,080 --> 00:06:20,839
(LAUGHS) And you're funny.
155
00:06:20,840 --> 00:06:24,199
Oh. No, thank you. I'm not funny.
I'm silly, but I'm not funny.
156
00:06:24,200 --> 00:06:26,239
Is there a difference
between silly and funny?
157
00:06:26,240 --> 00:06:27,839
Yeah, huge difference, man,
and I should know,
158
00:06:27,840 --> 00:06:30,640
I'm kind of considered an authority
on... on being silly.
159
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Just here?
MAN: Yeah, yeah.
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There, thanks.
(CHUCKLES) Thank you.
161
00:06:34,440 --> 00:06:36,079
Alright, thanks, guys, for coming.
162
00:06:36,080 --> 00:06:38,840
I guess we just have some fun.
Yeah, just fun.
163
00:06:40,920 --> 00:06:42,920
(READS QUESTION)
164
00:06:44,080 --> 00:06:46,479
Uh... Probably this. Neh.
165
00:06:46,480 --> 00:06:47,640
Bleh.
166
00:06:48,640 --> 00:06:49,640
Whoa.
167
00:06:49,640 --> 00:06:50,640
Um... Eh!
168
00:06:50,641 --> 00:06:52,399
(LAUGHS)
Probably something like that.
169
00:06:52,400 --> 00:06:53,519
That's very silly.
Is it?
170
00:06:53,520 --> 00:06:56,559
I found out first that I was silly
when I was about 16.
171
00:06:56,560 --> 00:06:58,319
I started to have a reaction
to breads.
172
00:06:58,320 --> 00:06:59,800
So, you were... coeliac?
173
00:07:02,840 --> 00:07:04,199
Next question. Alright.
174
00:07:04,200 --> 00:07:05,200
(READS QUESTION)
175
00:07:06,520 --> 00:07:09,199
Oh, you be the judge.
176
00:07:09,200 --> 00:07:10,839
(FARTS)
177
00:07:10,840 --> 00:07:12,919
Ooh. (LAUGHS)
178
00:07:12,920 --> 00:07:14,679
That was silly.
Hang on, hang on.
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00:07:14,680 --> 00:07:16,679
(FARTS) That's...
Yeah. Oh, God.
180
00:07:16,680 --> 00:07:19,919
I'll buy some cabbage, and they'll
say, "Is this for pop-offs, Zach?"
181
00:07:19,920 --> 00:07:22,279
(FARTS)
Fuck. That reeks.
182
00:07:22,280 --> 00:07:23,439
That's... Yep.
183
00:07:23,440 --> 00:07:24,999
You've got to stop. Please, stop.
184
00:07:25,000 --> 00:07:26,879
Because that's fuck...
That's making me sick.
185
00:07:26,880 --> 00:07:28,880
(READS QUESTION)
186
00:07:34,640 --> 00:07:39,639
Uh... It was probably
hardest to be silly when...
187
00:07:39,640 --> 00:07:41,800
..when my best mate died.
188
00:07:43,760 --> 00:07:45,799
Nah, you're funny, man.
189
00:07:45,800 --> 00:07:48,159
The way you look, the way you walk,
the way you talk,
190
00:07:48,160 --> 00:07:49,719
your pathetic love life.
191
00:07:49,720 --> 00:07:52,919
Broden, Stephanie and I, we laugh
behind your back all the time.
192
00:07:52,920 --> 00:07:54,919
Well, thank you, Mark.
That really has lifted my mood.
193
00:07:54,920 --> 00:07:55,999
Yeah, great!
But, uh...
194
00:07:56,000 --> 00:07:57,639
I don't know.
What if I get it wrong?
195
00:07:57,640 --> 00:08:00,319
(SIGHS)
That's the beauty of comedy, man -
196
00:08:00,320 --> 00:08:01,999
there is no right or wrong.
197
00:08:02,000 --> 00:08:04,399
No, this is wrong.
You got it wrong.
198
00:08:04,400 --> 00:08:06,559
It's funny because we're open.
199
00:08:06,560 --> 00:08:09,359
I really stuffed up
staying back with you.
200
00:08:09,360 --> 00:08:11,199
I should have just gone
to that bucks party.
201
00:08:11,200 --> 00:08:14,719
God knows what crazy, wild stuff
they're getting up to.
202
00:08:14,720 --> 00:08:16,040
SONG: ♪ Bucks party! Bucks party!
203
00:08:16,920 --> 00:08:19,199
♪ Broden's on a bucks
So, let's make some fucking noise!
204
00:08:19,200 --> 00:08:21,319
♪ It's going to be feral, yeah!
It's going to be nuts!
205
00:08:21,320 --> 00:08:22,760
♪ The craziest shit happens
when the:
206
00:08:23,560 --> 00:08:25,679
Hey, guys.
Welcome to Go, Go, Go Karts.
207
00:08:25,680 --> 00:08:27,359
Ohh...
Sweet!
208
00:08:27,360 --> 00:08:28,719
Which one of youse is the groom?
209
00:08:28,720 --> 00:08:31,039
This guys right here.
Yeah, no worries.
210
00:08:31,040 --> 00:08:33,479
Reason I ask is because
I've got a pink helmet for him.
211
00:08:33,480 --> 00:08:35,159
Oh, get stuffed. Get stuffed.
No!
212
00:08:35,160 --> 00:08:38,519
But, hey, let's talk instructions.
Let's talk steering.
213
00:08:38,520 --> 00:08:40,159
No matter how small...
214
00:08:40,160 --> 00:08:42,519
Hello. How do you know the groom?
215
00:08:42,520 --> 00:08:44,159
I'm his cousin.
216
00:08:44,160 --> 00:08:45,799
Oh, OK.
217
00:08:45,800 --> 00:08:48,239
What do you...
What do you do for a living?
218
00:08:48,240 --> 00:08:52,319
Oh, I'm a tenders and awards manager
at a construction company.
219
00:08:52,320 --> 00:08:54,439
Oh, OK. Is that... Is that good?
220
00:08:54,440 --> 00:08:56,800
Well... it pays the bills.
Yeah.
221
00:08:57,800 --> 00:08:59,479
If you think go-karts are cool,
222
00:08:59,480 --> 00:09:01,799
just wait till we get
to the next location.
223
00:09:01,800 --> 00:09:02,800
Yeah.
224
00:09:02,801 --> 00:09:04,039
Yeah, mate.
225
00:09:04,040 --> 00:09:05,199
SONG: ♪ We're turning
up the heat!
226
00:09:05,200 --> 00:09:06,359
♪ Going motherfucking nuts!
227
00:09:06,360 --> 00:09:07,760
♪ Shit is going mental on this:
228
00:09:08,760 --> 00:09:11,399
Hey, guys. Welcome to this venue
that does laser tag.
229
00:09:11,400 --> 00:09:13,800
(OTHERS CHATTER)
Let's go! Yeah!
230
00:09:21,240 --> 00:09:24,039
Mark! Come over here!
I want to show you something!
231
00:09:24,040 --> 00:09:25,519
What?!
232
00:09:25,520 --> 00:09:26,999
I can't hear you!
233
00:09:27,000 --> 00:09:28,039
What?!
234
00:09:28,040 --> 00:09:29,639
What?!
Mark!
235
00:09:29,640 --> 00:09:30,640
What?
236
00:09:30,641 --> 00:09:31,959
I can't hear you!
237
00:09:31,960 --> 00:09:32,960
What?!
238
00:09:32,961 --> 00:09:34,879
Come over here.
I want to show you something.
239
00:09:34,880 --> 00:09:36,639
What?!
What?!
240
00:09:36,640 --> 00:09:37,640
What?
241
00:09:37,641 --> 00:09:39,599
What?!
What?!
242
00:09:39,600 --> 00:09:40,959
I can't hear you!
243
00:09:40,960 --> 00:09:43,560
Wait there! I'm gonna come to you!
244
00:09:49,000 --> 00:09:50,719
OK, how's this?
245
00:09:50,720 --> 00:09:52,519
What do you get when you mix
246
00:09:52,520 --> 00:09:55,039
sodium carbonate
with Justin Timberlake from NSYNC?
247
00:09:55,040 --> 00:09:56,359
Uh...
248
00:09:56,360 --> 00:09:57,839
Not sure. What do you get?
249
00:09:57,840 --> 00:09:58,840
Soda pop.
250
00:09:58,841 --> 00:10:00,399
Oh, nice.
251
00:10:00,400 --> 00:10:02,799
Soda... pop. (LAUGHS)
Soda pop. Yeah. Really good.
252
00:10:02,800 --> 00:10:04,439
Where'd you get that from?
Uh...
253
00:10:04,440 --> 00:10:06,439
Kochie's Best Jokes Number 4.
254
00:10:06,440 --> 00:10:08,519
Oh. I thought
you didn't have that book here.
255
00:10:08,520 --> 00:10:10,879
We didn't.
Ha. So, when did you get it?
256
00:10:10,880 --> 00:10:12,599
Kochie gave it to me.
257
00:10:12,600 --> 00:10:14,559
Kochie?
258
00:10:14,560 --> 00:10:16,159
As in THE David Koch?
259
00:10:16,160 --> 00:10:17,839
King Koch? (CHUCKLES)
260
00:10:17,840 --> 00:10:18,840
When?
261
00:10:18,841 --> 00:10:20,480
Just before.
262
00:10:21,640 --> 00:10:24,559
There's no-one else here, Zach.
263
00:10:24,560 --> 00:10:25,920
Kochie is here.
264
00:10:29,160 --> 00:10:30,160
Where?
265
00:10:31,160 --> 00:10:32,840
In the meat fridge.
266
00:10:33,960 --> 00:10:35,880
Where we keep the meat.
267
00:10:37,160 --> 00:10:39,039
(CHUCKLES)
268
00:10:39,040 --> 00:10:40,560
Of all the places.
269
00:10:42,240 --> 00:10:44,799
What's Kochie doing
in the meat fridge, Zach?
270
00:10:44,800 --> 00:10:47,119
Just being cheeky.
271
00:10:47,120 --> 00:10:49,879
Oh, he's so funny, Mark.
272
00:10:49,880 --> 00:10:52,239
Till he gets his hands on that meat.
273
00:10:52,240 --> 00:10:53,999
Is he touching the salamis?
274
00:10:54,000 --> 00:10:55,519
(LAUGHS)
275
00:10:55,520 --> 00:10:57,759
(HEAVY KNOCKING)
276
00:10:57,760 --> 00:11:00,200
What the fuck was that?
It's Kochie, silly.
277
00:11:01,200 --> 00:11:03,520
He says you could be
the next Melissa Doyle.
278
00:11:05,600 --> 00:11:10,120
(HEAVY KNOCKING)
279
00:11:11,560 --> 00:11:13,319
Does he want to get out?
280
00:11:13,320 --> 00:11:15,359
(HEAVY KNOCKING)
281
00:11:15,360 --> 00:11:16,680
No.
282
00:11:17,720 --> 00:11:19,879
He wants you to join him.
283
00:11:19,880 --> 00:11:21,599
(HEAVY KNOCKING)
284
00:11:21,600 --> 00:11:23,759
He's so excited to meet you, Mark.
285
00:11:23,760 --> 00:11:27,999
(HEAVY KNOCKING)
286
00:11:28,000 --> 00:11:31,399
(SPOOKY MUSIC PLAYS)
287
00:11:31,400 --> 00:11:33,199
(HEAVY KNOCKING)
288
00:11:33,200 --> 00:11:37,640
(SPOOKY MUSIC PLAYS)
289
00:11:44,080 --> 00:11:48,439
(SIGHS) Well, you're really starting
to piss me off now, Zach.
290
00:11:48,440 --> 00:11:50,159
There's no Kochie in the fridge!
291
00:11:50,160 --> 00:11:53,519
What you saw was probably
just this light swinging in a shadow
292
00:11:53,520 --> 00:11:54,999
caused by the meat carcasses.
293
00:11:55,000 --> 00:11:56,519
And that knocking we heard -
294
00:11:56,520 --> 00:11:58,599
that was just your automatic
knocking machine.
295
00:11:58,600 --> 00:12:02,279
(KNOCKING)
296
00:12:02,280 --> 00:12:04,239
You're right, Mark. I, um...
297
00:12:04,240 --> 00:12:05,759
I'm sorry. It's...
298
00:12:05,760 --> 00:12:07,239
It's been a long day.
299
00:12:07,240 --> 00:12:08,719
It's fine.
300
00:12:08,720 --> 00:12:10,719
I know it's late.
301
00:12:10,720 --> 00:12:12,919
How about
I just make you something to eat?
302
00:12:12,920 --> 00:12:15,120
Thank you. That's lovely.
Alright?
303
00:12:16,680 --> 00:12:17,959
God.
304
00:12:17,960 --> 00:12:19,879
(LAUGHS)
305
00:12:19,880 --> 00:12:21,839
Kochie in the meat fridge.
306
00:12:21,840 --> 00:12:23,600
(CHUCKLES)
307
00:12:28,120 --> 00:12:31,479
(SPOOKY MUSIC PLAYS)
308
00:12:31,480 --> 00:12:32,480
Agh! (GASPS)
309
00:12:32,481 --> 00:12:34,359
(PANTS)
310
00:12:34,360 --> 00:12:36,679
(GASPS)
311
00:12:36,680 --> 00:12:37,880
Oh!
312
00:12:38,880 --> 00:12:40,359
I, uh...
313
00:12:40,360 --> 00:12:42,800
I think I fell asleep. I...
314
00:12:44,000 --> 00:12:46,919
Staying open this late
is really making me wig out.
315
00:12:46,920 --> 00:12:48,720
You know what I mean? (CHUCKLES)
316
00:12:50,760 --> 00:12:53,800
(LAUGHS)
317
00:12:55,800 --> 00:12:59,719
If you're ducking, what's happening
to the, uh... what's happening to...
318
00:12:59,720 --> 00:13:01,399
Can't shoot it, you can't see it.
You can't see it.
319
00:13:01,400 --> 00:13:03,079
You're going like that,
you're actually cheating
320
00:13:03,080 --> 00:13:05,919
because, if you were in a war
situation and you went like that,
321
00:13:05,920 --> 00:13:08,559
they could take the bullet
right through your head,
322
00:13:08,560 --> 00:13:10,239
through your skull
and out your anus.
323
00:13:10,240 --> 00:13:12,359
And that does happen
in war situations.
324
00:13:12,360 --> 00:13:14,079
So, which one of youse is the groom?
325
00:13:14,080 --> 00:13:15,439
GROUP: This guy here.
326
00:13:15,440 --> 00:13:19,199
OK, the reason I ask is 'cause I've
actually got a pink laser for him.
327
00:13:19,200 --> 00:13:21,079
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
Chicks would normally wear that.
328
00:13:21,080 --> 00:13:23,879
In all seriousness, though, guys,
it does happen in war...
329
00:13:23,880 --> 00:13:25,439
How do you know the groom?
330
00:13:25,440 --> 00:13:27,039
Oh, I'm a clone of Mark,
331
00:13:27,040 --> 00:13:30,039
and I was on the jury
that sentenced him to death.
332
00:13:30,040 --> 00:13:31,439
Oh, OK.
Yeah.
333
00:13:31,440 --> 00:13:32,759
Cool.
334
00:13:32,760 --> 00:13:35,519
What do you do for...
What do you do for a job?
335
00:13:35,520 --> 00:13:39,959
I manage one of Australia's
largest sports retail stores
336
00:13:39,960 --> 00:13:41,879
in a large shopping centre.
337
00:13:41,880 --> 00:13:42,959
Oh, OK.
338
00:13:42,960 --> 00:13:44,679
Is that good? You like that?
339
00:13:44,680 --> 00:13:46,159
Pays the bills.
340
00:13:46,160 --> 00:13:47,279
(CHUCKLES)
Yeah.
341
00:13:47,280 --> 00:13:48,280
Yeah.
342
00:13:48,281 --> 00:13:49,999
You think laser tag's cool,
343
00:13:50,000 --> 00:13:52,079
just wait
till we get to the next location.
344
00:13:52,080 --> 00:13:53,800
Yeah. Cool.
345
00:13:55,920 --> 00:13:59,039
How are you, everybody? My name
is Mathias. Welcome to DcMonalds.
346
00:13:59,040 --> 00:14:00,719
Now, which one of youse
is the groom?
347
00:14:00,720 --> 00:14:01,720
This guy!
348
00:14:01,721 --> 00:14:03,119
Alright, now, the reason I ask
349
00:14:03,120 --> 00:14:06,559
is maybe he'll be getting
a little plastic princess toy.
350
00:14:06,560 --> 00:14:08,759
(OTHERS LAUGH)
You're gonna look stupid.
351
00:14:08,760 --> 00:14:12,239
(SPOOKY MUSIC PLAYS)
352
00:14:12,240 --> 00:14:15,919
I'm a Cowdoy.
Put me in cupboard, I become real.
353
00:14:15,920 --> 00:14:19,039
Oh, you're so wonderfully absurd,
Cowdoy. I love you.
354
00:14:19,040 --> 00:14:21,239
Uh-oh. It's time for the old jig'um.
355
00:14:21,240 --> 00:14:22,679
(COUNTRY-WESTERN MUSIC PLAYS)
356
00:14:22,680 --> 00:14:24,359
No, I...
357
00:14:24,360 --> 00:14:26,239
I think you misunderstand. I, um...
358
00:14:26,240 --> 00:14:28,200
I love you.
359
00:14:29,600 --> 00:14:32,559
Hm! Silly-billy stupid Zach,
360
00:14:32,560 --> 00:14:35,719
losing his mind,
talking to his toys.
361
00:14:35,720 --> 00:14:37,799
Some people just can't hack
staying open late.
362
00:14:37,800 --> 00:14:39,479
But we'll fix him up.
363
00:14:39,480 --> 00:14:40,559
Won't we, Frogman?
364
00:14:40,560 --> 00:14:42,159
Yes, we will, Mark.
365
00:14:42,160 --> 00:14:43,559
I'm a frog.
366
00:14:43,560 --> 00:14:45,559
Yes, you ARE a frog.
367
00:14:45,560 --> 00:14:47,839
I want to hear about it all.
368
00:14:47,840 --> 00:14:50,039
Alright. Uh...
I'm from Craigieburn...
369
00:14:50,040 --> 00:14:52,679
Let's wrangle up some beans
in a pintle.
370
00:14:52,680 --> 00:14:54,079
What do you mean there's a way?
371
00:14:54,080 --> 00:14:56,160
Oh, that beaut stage coat.
372
00:14:57,160 --> 00:14:58,959
Oh, Tiny Cowdoy,
373
00:14:58,960 --> 00:15:02,160
I can't cut out Mark's heart
and feed it to you.
374
00:15:04,280 --> 00:15:07,719
How could you make me
do such a thing, Cowdoy?!
375
00:15:07,720 --> 00:15:09,360
Dungaree.
376
00:15:10,360 --> 00:15:12,079
The only way?
377
00:15:12,080 --> 00:15:13,560
Dungaree.
378
00:15:14,560 --> 00:15:16,439
Hey?
Yes?
379
00:15:16,440 --> 00:15:17,919
Is he looking at me?
380
00:15:17,920 --> 00:15:21,319
I don't know, Mark,
but I reckon you should kill him.
381
00:15:21,320 --> 00:15:22,560
Yeah, alright.
382
00:15:25,120 --> 00:15:26,440
Sick.
383
00:15:28,440 --> 00:15:30,319
But ice at the centre
of an ice cube,
384
00:15:30,320 --> 00:15:32,519
it can be as cold
as the planet Venus.
385
00:15:32,520 --> 00:15:35,079
And if you're on the planet Venus,
you would snap in half.
386
00:15:35,080 --> 00:15:37,439
So, I want you to be really careful,
guys.
387
00:15:37,440 --> 00:15:41,680
What do you do for work?
I work at a cafe with my two friends.
388
00:15:42,960 --> 00:15:45,119
Is that fun?
Yeah. It pays the bills.
389
00:15:45,120 --> 00:15:46,120
(CHUCKLES)
(CHUCKLES)
390
00:15:46,121 --> 00:15:47,519
(QUIETLY) Just a heads up -
391
00:15:47,520 --> 00:15:49,199
the next location's coming up,
392
00:15:49,200 --> 00:15:52,479
and it's gonna be effin'...wild.
393
00:15:52,480 --> 00:15:54,119
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
394
00:15:54,120 --> 00:15:55,679
SONG: ♪ Now we're turning
fuckin' feral! Yeah!
395
00:15:55,680 --> 00:15:56,719
♪ We're goin' fuckin' nuts!
396
00:15:56,720 --> 00:15:58,000
♪ The craziest shit happens... ♪
397
00:16:00,360 --> 00:16:02,439
Now, which one of youse
is the groom?
398
00:16:02,440 --> 00:16:03,440
This guy!
399
00:16:03,441 --> 00:16:04,799
Now, the reason why I ask that
400
00:16:04,800 --> 00:16:07,239
is I've got the She-Hulk
costume for him.
401
00:16:07,240 --> 00:16:08,519
(LAUGHS)
Yeah!
402
00:16:08,520 --> 00:16:09,919
Yeah, that's the girl one.
403
00:16:09,920 --> 00:16:12,239
Um... Nah, but in all seriousness,
though,
404
00:16:12,240 --> 00:16:15,639
we're gonna do some activities
today, some games, some fun.
405
00:16:15,640 --> 00:16:18,320
Yeah, mate?
Are you really Batman?
406
00:16:19,480 --> 00:16:20,879
No, mate.
407
00:16:20,880 --> 00:16:22,159
I'm not Batman.
408
00:16:22,160 --> 00:16:23,880
Oh. OK.
409
00:16:24,880 --> 00:16:27,039
Anyway, basically...
410
00:16:27,040 --> 00:16:28,359
(SIGHS HEAVILY)
411
00:16:28,360 --> 00:16:29,559
What's wrong?
412
00:16:29,560 --> 00:16:32,119
Oh, my God. You think my bucks party
is lame, don't you?
413
00:16:32,120 --> 00:16:34,679
Are you kidding?
This is the best fun I've ever had.
414
00:16:34,680 --> 00:16:37,719
I'm just sad
this is the last scheduled activity.
415
00:16:37,720 --> 00:16:42,079
Well, actually, we do have
one more UNSCHEDULED activity.
416
00:16:42,080 --> 00:16:43,559
(CHORTLES)
417
00:16:43,560 --> 00:16:46,879
A real adult activity,
if you catch my drift.
418
00:16:46,880 --> 00:16:48,199
Oh, yeah.
419
00:16:48,200 --> 00:16:50,200
(SNICKERS)
Oh, yeah.
420
00:17:02,200 --> 00:17:03,719
Hello, sir.
421
00:17:03,720 --> 00:17:07,440
As promised, I made you a sandwich.
422
00:17:13,520 --> 00:17:15,439
A hand-grenade sandwich.
423
00:17:15,440 --> 00:17:17,959
Oh, Mark, you shouldn't have.
It looks delicious.
424
00:17:17,960 --> 00:17:19,879
That reminds me.
425
00:17:19,880 --> 00:17:22,440
I have also prepared a sandwich
for you.
426
00:17:23,440 --> 00:17:24,599
Oh.
427
00:17:24,600 --> 00:17:27,240
It looks scrumptious.
428
00:17:28,240 --> 00:17:29,560
Tell me...
429
00:17:30,560 --> 00:17:31,880
..is that a gun?
430
00:17:33,360 --> 00:17:35,359
No, it's peanut butter.
431
00:17:35,360 --> 00:17:38,879
Mmm. It looks like
it'd be so yummy in my tummy.
432
00:17:38,880 --> 00:17:44,440
But, Zach, on the off-chance you
didn't enjoy my first sandwich...
433
00:17:45,480 --> 00:17:47,160
..I made you another.
434
00:18:00,200 --> 00:18:02,400
Oh, please,
won't you take a drink...
435
00:18:03,400 --> 00:18:04,799
..of my sandwich?
436
00:18:04,800 --> 00:18:06,520
Bleach sandwich?
437
00:18:07,600 --> 00:18:09,600
Oh, what a friend you are.
438
00:18:10,600 --> 00:18:12,679
I am surrounded by Judases,
439
00:18:12,680 --> 00:18:14,399
but you have not betrayed me.
440
00:18:14,400 --> 00:18:16,199
It's very sweet of you.
441
00:18:16,200 --> 00:18:19,880
Almost as sweet as this sweetie.
442
00:18:22,400 --> 00:18:24,960
Are you mad?
443
00:18:26,320 --> 00:18:29,639
You know
I'm deathly allergic to muffin.
444
00:18:29,640 --> 00:18:31,320
Haven't you heard?
445
00:18:32,320 --> 00:18:35,320
This muffin is entirely muffin-free.
446
00:18:36,320 --> 00:18:37,920
Eat the muffin, Mark.
447
00:18:39,400 --> 00:18:41,639
I need you to eat the muffin, Mark.
448
00:18:41,640 --> 00:18:43,800
And if I refuse?
449
00:18:45,000 --> 00:18:46,919
Just eat the muffin, Mark.
450
00:18:46,920 --> 00:18:48,919
Don't make this harder
than it has to be.
451
00:18:48,920 --> 00:18:50,039
(MURMURS)
452
00:18:50,040 --> 00:18:52,039
I need you to eat the muffin, Mark.
453
00:18:52,040 --> 00:18:54,200
I refuse your muffin.
454
00:18:55,200 --> 00:18:57,160
I was afraid you'd say that.
455
00:19:03,440 --> 00:19:05,319
Eat the muffin, Mark!
456
00:19:05,320 --> 00:19:07,439
Eat the muffin!
457
00:19:07,440 --> 00:19:09,239
(GROANS)
458
00:19:09,240 --> 00:19:10,599
Argh!
459
00:19:10,600 --> 00:19:14,759
(BOTH YELL INDISTINCTLY)
460
00:19:14,760 --> 00:19:16,480
What are you guys doing?
461
00:19:21,080 --> 00:19:23,999
I just forgot to do my availability,
so, I was gonna fill that in now,
462
00:19:24,000 --> 00:19:26,840
but I didn't realise
you guys were gonna be here, so...
463
00:19:32,000 --> 00:19:33,759
Mark just gave me a key.
464
00:19:33,760 --> 00:19:35,959
(SCREECHING)
465
00:19:35,960 --> 00:19:40,160
Argh!
466
00:19:41,280 --> 00:19:42,759
Oh, my God!
467
00:19:42,760 --> 00:19:44,719
You foolish girl!
468
00:19:44,720 --> 00:19:46,399
Just as I nearly had them.
469
00:19:46,400 --> 00:19:49,639
Just as they were about
to kill each other.
470
00:19:49,640 --> 00:19:51,799
Are you kidding me?!
471
00:19:51,800 --> 00:19:55,639
I am Drew, the ghost of this cafe,
472
00:19:55,640 --> 00:20:00,519
and you disturbed my ghostly rituals
with your late-closing time.
473
00:20:00,520 --> 00:20:02,639
Now you shall all perish
474
00:20:02,640 --> 00:20:06,759
so that I may be left in peace
to watch my favourite show,
475
00:20:06,760 --> 00:20:09,439
Gardening Australia.
476
00:20:09,440 --> 00:20:11,399
That's real sick.
Mm.
477
00:20:11,400 --> 00:20:13,759
Really?
We all love Gardening Australia.
478
00:20:13,760 --> 00:20:15,319
Yeah.
It has all the great tips.
479
00:20:15,320 --> 00:20:16,679
Costa! We love Costa!
Oh, I love Costa!
480
00:20:16,680 --> 00:20:18,199
I think that too!
I've been saying that.
481
00:20:18,200 --> 00:20:21,079
Also, you don't have to wait
until it airs on the telly.
482
00:20:21,080 --> 00:20:22,799
You can watch it any time you want.
483
00:20:22,800 --> 00:20:23,800
What?
484
00:20:23,801 --> 00:20:26,919
Ever heard of Australia's favourite
streaming service, ABC iview?
485
00:20:26,920 --> 00:20:28,519
Iview you say?
486
00:20:28,520 --> 00:20:29,759
Yeah.
Oh!
487
00:20:29,760 --> 00:20:31,879
It's free and it works.
488
00:20:31,880 --> 00:20:34,159
Well, this is very adult.
489
00:20:34,160 --> 00:20:35,439
OTHERS: Yeah.
490
00:20:35,440 --> 00:20:38,279
It's a cafe that's open past 3:30PM.
491
00:20:38,280 --> 00:20:40,199
ALL: Yeah!
492
00:20:40,200 --> 00:20:41,679
Coffee!
493
00:20:41,680 --> 00:20:43,959
This place seems a little familiar.
494
00:20:43,960 --> 00:20:45,440
Bloody hell, eh?
495
00:20:47,560 --> 00:20:48,959
Oh, it's MY cafe.
496
00:20:48,960 --> 00:20:52,119
That's why it's so familiar.
That makes sense. Right. OK.
497
00:20:52,120 --> 00:20:53,399
Excuse me.
498
00:20:53,400 --> 00:20:56,040
We all know vegies are good for us,
and there's nothing...
499
00:20:57,400 --> 00:20:59,159
My nieces would love this.
It's crashed. Sorry.
500
00:20:59,160 --> 00:21:00,880
Iview's crashed again.
Oh.
501
00:21:01,880 --> 00:21:03,399
Oh, hey, bro.
Oh, hi, man.
502
00:21:03,400 --> 00:21:04,639
How are ya?
Hi, Broden.
503
00:21:04,640 --> 00:21:06,479
Turn it off and then turn it on.
504
00:21:06,480 --> 00:21:07,480
Who's that?
505
00:21:07,481 --> 00:21:09,559
Oh, this is Drew. She's a ghost.
506
00:21:09,560 --> 00:21:11,479
I'm a ghost. Yes, I am a ghost.
Yeah, a ghost.
507
00:21:11,480 --> 00:21:13,959
And this is the witch.
You met her, yeah?
508
00:21:13,960 --> 00:21:15,559
Mm, yeah, no.
509
00:21:15,560 --> 00:21:17,159
I think I'd...
He wasn't here.
510
00:21:17,160 --> 00:21:19,319
When I came into the...
I'd remember you.
511
00:21:19,320 --> 00:21:22,039
So, Drew was trying to make
Mark and me murder each other.
512
00:21:22,040 --> 00:21:23,519
Yes, only so that Witchy and I
513
00:21:23,520 --> 00:21:25,599
could watch
our 5:00PM Gardening Australia.
514
00:21:25,600 --> 00:21:27,519
Yeah, I tried to explain it to them
this morning,
515
00:21:27,520 --> 00:21:29,479
but it was obviously really vague.
516
00:21:29,480 --> 00:21:32,199
And it's crashed again.
It's fucking crashed again.
517
00:21:32,200 --> 00:21:33,879
This is just killing me.
It's OK.
518
00:21:33,880 --> 00:21:35,039
Well, give me a go.
519
00:21:35,040 --> 00:21:37,079
I could just make you guys
kill each other. I could just...
520
00:21:37,080 --> 00:21:38,519
No, I get what you're saying...
521
00:21:38,520 --> 00:21:39,999
Who's that?
522
00:21:40,000 --> 00:21:41,319
Oh, that's the bucks party.
523
00:21:41,320 --> 00:21:44,199
We came here to get a coffee as
a saucy end to our day of activities.
524
00:21:44,200 --> 00:21:47,719
See? 5:00PM WAS a good idea!
Oh, that's so good!
525
00:21:47,720 --> 00:21:49,679
And, as soon as we can get ABC iview
526
00:21:49,680 --> 00:21:51,559
to FUCKING work,
527
00:21:51,560 --> 00:21:52,799
we could do it every day.
528
00:21:52,800 --> 00:21:53,800
Oh, no, no, no.
529
00:21:53,801 --> 00:21:55,719
We're open before 9:00
because it's our most busy period
530
00:21:55,720 --> 00:21:57,519
and we can't open past 3:30
for labour laws.
531
00:21:57,520 --> 00:22:00,639
You're absolutely right.
It WAS a dumb-fuck idea.
532
00:22:00,640 --> 00:22:02,239
Yes, it was, Zach.
But don't worry about that.
533
00:22:02,240 --> 00:22:04,399
Forget about it
because it's party time.
534
00:22:04,400 --> 00:22:06,039
Broden, but we can't
have a bucks party.
535
00:22:06,040 --> 00:22:07,319
We've got a witch and a ghost.
536
00:22:07,320 --> 00:22:10,039
And what about Gardening Australia?
Gardening Australia.
537
00:22:10,040 --> 00:22:11,519
Well, then it looks
like we've got ourselves
538
00:22:11,520 --> 00:22:14,359
a spooky Gardening Australia
bucks party!
539
00:22:14,360 --> 00:22:16,759
Oh, my God.
Hello, boys!
540
00:22:16,760 --> 00:22:17,919
Hit it, deejay!
541
00:22:17,920 --> 00:22:20,719
VOICEOVER:
Well, that's a simply spooky idea
542
00:22:20,720 --> 00:22:22,679
Broden Kelly.
543
00:22:22,680 --> 00:22:25,399
Hit it, deejay.
544
00:22:25,400 --> 00:22:29,479
(SINGS) ♪ It's a spooky
Gardening Australia bucks party
545
00:22:29,480 --> 00:22:32,760
♪ Trying to use iview
and being a ghoul
546
00:22:33,800 --> 00:22:35,439
♪ Wearing nice shirts
547
00:22:35,440 --> 00:22:37,359
♪ And being scary
548
00:22:37,360 --> 00:22:41,359
♪ Struggling with iview
and being a ghoul
549
00:22:41,360 --> 00:22:42,360
♪ Where... ♪
550
00:22:47,560 --> 00:22:48,560
(CLICK!)
551
00:22:49,960 --> 00:22:50,960
(CLICK!)
552
00:22:51,960 --> 00:22:55,879
♪ It's a spooky
Gardening Australia bucks party
553
00:22:55,880 --> 00:22:58,520
♪ Trying to use iview
and being a ghoul
554
00:23:00,440 --> 00:23:02,199
♪ We're the ghoul
and we're being cool
555
00:23:02,200 --> 00:23:04,119
♪ And having a dance
and picking soil
556
00:23:04,120 --> 00:23:07,039
♪ Then Blueberry Burglar and Zach
557
00:23:07,040 --> 00:23:08,599
♪ Dance and chillies
558
00:23:08,600 --> 00:23:10,279
♪ Doing chillies and whatev...
559
00:23:10,280 --> 00:23:11,959
♪ Picking beans and Costa
560
00:23:11,960 --> 00:23:13,559
♪ And then fuckin' Broden
561
00:23:13,560 --> 00:23:15,319
♪ And kissing on the...
562
00:23:15,320 --> 00:23:17,039
♪ Kissing the witch, yeah! ♪
563
00:23:17,040 --> 00:23:18,279
Captions by Red Bee Media
564
00:23:18,280 --> 00:23:20,040
Copyright Australian
Broadcasting Corporation
39726
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