Original subtitles

Guys, we officially got internet.

Wow. I never thought I'd see the day where OUR cafe had internet!

I'm almost worried we'll get TOO many customers!

(BOTH GUFFAW)

Uh... No, too many customers. Thank you. Not.

(LAUGHS)

Bring 'em in. I love lots of customers!

Um... But you DO have the internet.

The other day you were watching 50 videos about trendy cafes.

That's a phone thing.

We're talking about internet, you know, laptops, compu... Oh, my God.

Just go easy on the internet for a few days, alright?

No big files. Why?

Just leave it! Alright?!

You're on thin ice for making these muffins with no blueberries in them!

You know how I like them? Extra blueberry-ly.

(THINKS) But I was SURE

I put blueberries in the muffins this morning.

Where did they all go?

And why does my inner monologue sound like my friend Mark?

While I'm grumpy, this ain't a swampy marsh, alright, so, no leeches.

If people are using internets, they're buying shit. Is that clear?

Upsell.

Upsell.

Alright? Sure, whatever.

Very good.

And if you do a good job upselling,

someone's getting Crowded House tickets, like you kids love.

What?! Yeah!

Wait, stop. Stop. Yeah. I prefer old music.

Personally, it's a little rude for me.

They love that young rock.

And Rove Live. I don't know. Have you seen the What The...?

I literally can't! Oh, my God.

So, Michelle, what you've got right here is the internet,

so, you can search anything, and it comes up.

OK. Wow.

Yeah. Um...

Broden.

(CHUCKLES) Yeah! Ah! (LAUGHS)

Yeah, there I am. (LAUGHS)

Hey. Just a small cappuccino, please.

Great.

And?

I've already had breakfast. Thanks, though.

What about some muffins?

Have you tried some muffins? Do you want some muffins?

Hey, you're not using too much internet, are you?

Oh, I am.

I am downloading Metallica albums,

burning them onto these blank CDs

and selling them illegally.

What? Yes.

I will be Mother's favourite baby.

You make me very uncomfortable.

You know, we do actually have buy-one-get-one-free today,

just so you know.

That's fine. I'm just one person. OK, no worries.

So, that's five cappuccinos. Um...

Like, funny videos and stuff as well.

Funny...

..Broden. Yeah, yeah, that's good.

What's Aunty Donna? Side project.

But you can search so many...

So many Brodens.

Whoa. Wow.

Heaps of Brodens. Let's open up from there.

So, like...

Excuse me for one moment.

Cowboy Broden...

(MODEM TRILLS, CHIRPS) Is it... Is it closing time yet?

It's 8:30. Oh! Jesus!

No, Mark! Pedal, Mark! Pedal! Pedal!

I'm doing the power as well?! Chase the salami!

People are using the internet for cool things,

like to look up 'so many Brodens'!

And this magical program

can transport you to anywhere in the world.

(GASPS)

From the safety of your computer, of course!

(BOTH LAUGH)

Anywhere in the world? Anywhere in the world.

Can it take us to the cafe? Here?

Sure.

We've done 'Broden'. So, all the shit on the internet's there.

All the shit on the Brodens.

Who shit on me? Who's covered me in shit?

I don't want this.

Lungs, breathe!

Watch this. (CHUCKLES)

OK? Look. (GASPS)

Oh, cool! Yeah!

All the graffiti. Yeah!

Yeah. Oh, wow! We're here!

Yep. That's it.

Oh, in... Oh, it even takes you INTO the cafe.

Oh.

That's... That's odd.

Is that us?

120 sandwiches!

What else?!

Stop saying, "What else, champ?!

I can't, OK!

You are financially ruining me!

Please! (CRIES)

Won't be too long.

3,000 muffins?!

No!

You tell them six at most!

I swear to God, one day...

Broden, can I get your opinion on something?

There's a group over there that SAY they're not using the internet,

but I'm not so sure.

What do you reckon?

(COMPUTERS TRILL)

Potentially.

Mark is getting tired!

(PANTS)

Agh!

Argh, God damn it, Mark!

It's like the morning and there's heaps of windows.

(JAZZ MUSIC PAYS) Why is it completely dark?

And where's that music coming from?

(SCATS) ♪ I'm the Blueberry Burglar And it's my time

♪ To steal the blueberries Make the blueberries mine

♪ I pop, pop, pop blueberries into my tum

♪ I won't stop, stop, stop because blueberries are yum

♪ Oh, yeah! ♪

Shh. ♪ Can you hear that ringing?

♪ It's my head. It hurts. Yah! ♪

Citizens arrest!

Argh!

I fell on my dick.

(THEME MUSIC PLAYS)

So, he stole some blueberries?

Yes, he did. He did. (GROANS)

And you think that warrants a phone call to the police?

ALL: Mm-hm!

He even did a singsong about it -

all the evidence you need.

It's true. We all heard him with our own ears!

OK.

Do you have any idea of the kind of stuff I see every day?

Maybe someone put their shoes on the wrong foot.

Oh!

No. It's not.

It's not.

I can still hear the screams.

So, I'm gonna go.

See you laters!

Goodbye, Officer! Bye-bye, Officer!

Bit much? For me, you were a little...

I just get really nervous around cops.

I don't know how to talk to them.

Alright, boys, looks like we have to take the law into our own hands,

Blueberry Burglar.

Mama! Papa! Ha-ha!

Look at him now. Muah-ha-ha!

(BANGS GAVEL)

The cat... court will now proceed

with the case of the Blueberry Burglar versus the Crown.

I am Judge Zach.

This is ridiculous.

Look, I don't even like blueberry.

Look, look, watch this, huh?

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

(SOUL MUSIC PLAYS) Oh... Oh, my God. Mmm. (MOANS)

(CHUCKLES) They're so good.

You know what? No.

This is stupid, OK?

This is against the Constitution.

We'll see about that.

There's nothing in the rulebook that says a dog can't play basketball.

This court shall proceed!

Oi, you've got nothing to worry about.

I've stacked the jury.

(SOUL MUSIC PLAYS)

(BANGS GAVEL)

We shall now hear opening statements from the prosecution, Broden Kelly.

Oh, little old me? (CHUCKLES)

(CHUCKLES)

Oh, jury, I remember when I was two-strapping-nine.

No higher than a beehive.

You could walk home, streets safe. Get yourself a nickel-dime.

(CHUCKLES) (LAUGHS) He's charming.

Damn, he's good. Ohh.

I bet he has a ton of blueberries.

That was simpler time when you could leave your windows locked, unlocked,

and put a pie on that window, a bit of blueberry in that boy.

Objection, Your Honour! He's talking about pies!

Sustained! Overruled!

Now I'd like to draw the court's attention to exhibit 69.

Literal footage of the Blueberry Burglar stealing blueberries.

(SINGS) ♪ I'm the Blueberry Burglar... ♪

This is a... It was a TikTok I was...

(JURY GASPS) ♪ Make the blueberries mine!

♪ I pop, pop, pop blueberries into my tum

♪ I won't stop, stop, stop because blueberries are yum

♪ Oh, yeah!

♪ Can you hear that ringing?

♪ It's my head. It hurts. Yah! ♪

Citizen's arrest!

Ah. Michelle's gonna sing a little ditty for you.

(SINGS) ♪ A-a-a-a-a-a-a-h... ♪

Enough of this program!

Gentlemen, you will approach my bench at once immediately now.

Oh, no... By no means at all.

(WHISPERS) How am I going? You're doing great. We all are.

Yeah, really? Yeah!

I just think Broden would have been a better judge

and I would have been a better worm.

There's no worms in a court.

Well, that's what you've been saying,

but I just thought I could have just been a worm

maybe wriggling in one of the pot...

I think your judge is good... Yeah, the judge is...

(QUIETLY) And, like, just remember, like, what your teacher said,

like, be true to yourself - everyone's gonna believe that.

Yeah. OK.

You guys... I love you boys.

Love you too. OK. I love you. Thank you.

Bye-bye. Good luck.

(QUIET CHATTER) (BANGS GAVEL)

(NORMAL VOICE) The prosecution will now continue.

Your Honour, I'd like the record to show that the jury is very cool.

I move to have that comment stricken from the record.

On what grounds?

He's winning the jury over with charm!

Your Honour, I have some soy crisps in my pocket.

Would you like some? Oh, yes, please.

Oi, give us some soy crisps. No.

Wh... Your Honour.

This one looks like a C. (BANGS GAVEL)

The prosecution will share his soy crisps with the entire court.

As you wish. Finally, some justice.

Crisp for you.

Oh! Are you getting this down?

I have a job that I have to go to. So...

We will now hear the defence's openings.

(QUIETLY) Thank you.

Thank you, Your Honour.

Mes of the jury,

you may be surprised to see me

defending this here Blueberry Burglar.

Your Honour, I may not be a smart man...

..but when I look into the eyes of my client, I s...

When I look into the eyes of my client,

I see someone who is not guilty.

And does the law not state

that someone must be proven of their guilt unequivocally,

meritoriously,

without a skerrick of a doubt?!

For if that man...

(QUIETLY) Mark. Mark. Mark.

Pissed your pants.

Ah.

(BANGS GAVEL)

In light of the pissed-pants situation,

we will now take a brief recess.

(LAUGHS)

(LAUGHTER, CHATTER)

(GRUNTS)

I get chips and I dip it in the ice-cream

like it's sauce, and my mum...

TEACHER: Hey. Hey. Excuse me.

Are you picking someone up?

No.

Have you got a visitor badge I can see?

Uh... No, no, no, no. I'm just here with my...

..my friends.

Friends? Like... children?

No, not children. Four...

You didn't see, uh... four other adults...

No. ..at recess?

Where did you come from?

I came from the cafe. I work there.

Yeah, but, which part of the grounds? How did you get in?

Oh. I, um...

Well, that's kind of... kind of from the back.

We kind of came in through, um...

What are you doing at a primary school?

Uh...

Well, I can... Wha...

Oh, right. So...

Did you have a... No, no, no, no.

(TICKING)

(CLICKS TONGUE)

This is highly unusual.

Looks like our man's running scared.

(LAUGHS)

If the defence does not get themself a barrister in the next two minutes,

I will have no recourse but to bang my hammer!

(DOOR OPENS)

Did somebody say they needed a barrister?

SONG: ♪ Rake! Rake! Rake! Rake!

♪ The lawyer from the TV show Rake

♪ He's on all the docks But he gets results

♪ He likes to fuck He likes to party

♪ It's Rake! It's Rake! Rake! Rake! ♪

Your Honour,

it's me,

Rake.

Ohh...

(APPLAUSE)

And I'm here to defend this innocent man.

Oh, I can already tell he's a fuck-ton better than Mark.

(QUIET CHATTER)

And then we sort of rushed out of the cafe,

and then it's recess in a primary school, right,

and I'd just done a piss-my-pants bit,

and, so, I wasn't... that's why I was in the toilet

cleaning all the... all the piss that was on my pants.

Um... So, I'm just gonna go. I think...

I'll just tell you to wait here, mate.

Um...

Don't go anywhere.

Order!

Order!

My little hammer says there will be order in this court!

Your Honour, let the record show

that, apparently, Rake is a show on the ABC,

but the character's called Cleaver Greene,

and it's played by Richard Roxburgh.

So, what level are we going to here?

Well, I don't know, Broden.

But let the record also show

that I am

Rake.

(LAUGHS) (EXCITED CHATTER)

On the one hand, you're a bit of a cad,

but on the other hand, you really are quite charming.

I'll allow it.

(OTHERS CHUCKLE)

Your Honour, we can't just let characters from other TV shows

waltz in here and make a mockery of this courtroom

for those who haven't seen Rake will be mightily confused.

Morpheus is fighting Neo.

Jesus Christ, he's fast.

I can't read this.

(COMPUTERS TRILL)

Yeah. Yeah.

Neither can I.

It's still fun, though. Yeah, yeah, it's great.

It's good. It looks cool.

The green is amazing.

And, so, then we comically sort of transported out of the cafe,

ran out the door of the cafe, and then ended up in your primary school

and did, like, a primary-school recess.

And then, um...'cause I'd just done a peed-my-pants bit,

I went to the bathroom to clean up. But when I got...

A peed-your-pants bit?

I know how that sounds, but...

Mr Bonanno, I just need you to take a look at this from my perspective.

Of course. Yeah.

We find you at my school in the boys' toilets

wearing a strange costume

with no phone or any kind of identification.

And, like I said, all of those things

are back at the cafe where I work.

You know, I'm happy to take what you're saying at face value -

at this time I have no reason not to believe you -

but I do have a duty of care to my students.

VOICEOVER: The cases are real.

The blueberries are re...

You claim to have seen my client

stealing blueberries from the blueberry muffins.

Um... Yeah. Sorry. Yes, Rake.

But you also claim to have been using internet

powered by an Italian man on a bicycle.

Mm-hm, yeah, he was chasing a salami.

Your Honour, doesn't that sound silly?

Pretty silly to me, Rake.

No more questions.

I'm sorry, but you were there as well, Zach. You saw the whole thing.

If you keep speaking rude like that,

I'm gonna have to find you in contempt of this court.

I'm sorry. I didn't mean to contempt it. I didn't...

If you're feeling uncomfortable... No, no, I'm feeling totally fine.

I just wanted to say sorry because you've set up a whole thing...

No, I didn't want to play the judge. I wanted to play a worm.

And they're making me play a judge right now...

I know. I know you wanted to play the worm. I thought the worm was...

Your Honour, the prosecution calls the Right Honourable Zachary Ruane.

(GASPS) (JURY GASPS)

Oh, Mama.

That is a twist.

That will involve a quick costume change.

Ohh! (CHORTLES)

Zachy, baby,

you're just a regular business owner trying to get by, yeah?

You said it.

You can't afford to have your blueberry muffins

bereft of their blueberries, can you? No, I cannot.

Does that tarnish your good name?

It tarnishes it in poo.

And isn't poo yuck?

Yes, it is.

Oh! (QUIET CHATTER)

No further questions.

I friggin' love blueberries so much.

I've stolen them before, and I'll do it again.

Yeah. Yeah.

And I am Rake.

Excuse me.

Mr Ruane,

are you or are you not

the same Mr Ruane

who is the judge Mr Ruane presiding over these proceedings?

I...

Are you or are you not?

Well, see... It's a simple question, Mr Ruane.

Are you the judge of this shambolic trial? Yes or no?

Objection! Badger on the witness!

Pointing out his duplicity is hardly badger...

No. There's literally a badger on the witness.

Oh.

(SCREAMS)

See? Oh, my God.

Badger on the witness. Yeah. Badger ON the witness.

Never in my entire legal career.

(BANGS GAVEL) The next person

to bring a badger into this courtroom

will be found in contempt of this court. You hear me?!

Now, we've heard two sides of this blueberry crime,

but we've yet to hear anything with rhythm and rhyme.

Members of the jury will decide who's spitting cap,

for the closing arguments

will be performed in rap.

(SLOW HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYS)

No, I don't want to do that.

Rake?

Uh... Your Honour, look, as an idea, I... I believe it has merit

and, yet, uh... it's a really...

..shit idea.

No worries. We'll just do it normally.

Sorry about that. Yep.

Just trying to have some fun, but I get it.

(QUIETLY) So, yeah, I mean, I don't think that there's...

..I don't think he's gonna do anything bad,

I just thought it'd be best if we called you both to come in.

DETECTIVE: Yeah, that's fair enough. Yeah.

(SIGHS)

Hey, mate.

So, we've been able to confirm your identity.

Do you want to take your costume off?

Sorry.

We've been able to confirm your identity

and we had a look at the CCTV,

so, we feel confident letting you go today.

OK. Great. Thank you for understanding.

Mm. Just to be clear,

we're taking your word

and we believe your account of what happened today.

So, having said that,

we've got your name now,

we've got your home address and your phone number.

So, I'm hoping that I'm not gonna get a phone call sometime soon

saying I've got to come back here and see you again.

No. I won't be stepping foot in a place like this again.

OK. Good.

The school knows you now. We know you now.

There shouldn't be an issue. No. I understand.

OK, mate. Thank you.

Just to be clear, it was a pun on 'recess', how a judge says 'recess'

OK. And also recess at a primary school

OK. And that's just why.

Yeah.

You understand. Yeah.

SONG: ♪ I've been down

♪ There's a road that... ♪

And THAT right there...

..is why the defendant

is guilty!

Approach the bench, prosecution?

Yeah.

(QUIETLY) Mm? (QUIETLY) Is that it?

What?

You... That sent... That one sentence -

"And that is why the defendant is guilty" -

is that your whole closing statement?

I just thought if I did it with confidence, you could edit in...

If this was a TV show, yeah, you could edit it in like that,

but it's not.

Mm.

This is real life, an absurd version of real life,

but real life nonetheless.

Mm, granted. Can I go again?

I don't know.

Please?

Rake?

Mm?

Can he have another go at the closing statement?

No.

No? No!

It's not fair, is it?

You wait till you hear mine. (SNICKERS)

Is it good? It's really good.

Oh, I can't wait. It's so good.

To settle a bet - did you steal the blueberries?

Yeah. Of course.

Alright, see ya, guys. I'll see ya.

And you're doing great. You're doing really good.

(QUIET CHATTER)

(DOOR SHUTS)

(SILENCE)

(QUIET CHATTER)

Mark, when you went missing, it was truly bizarre.

Please tell us where you went

by dropping some bars.

(SLOW HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYS) I don't want to do that.

(SWITCHES OFF TAPE-RECORDER)

Just...

Don't worry about it.

No-one wants to fucking rap. I just try...

Weird day.

I'd rather not rap, if that's OK.

Alright then. That's fine. That's OK. That's fine.

I guess we'll just get on with the trial then.

Um... Defence, we will now hear your closing statements.

Thank you, Your Honour.

Esteemed members of the jury...

..I am Rake.

Amazing!

That's amazing. (APPLAUSE)

I could stand here today

and argue that a courtroom run by baristas rather than barristers

is entirely illegitimate.

Write that barrister-barista bit down.

(QUIETLY) Rake! Ah!

I could argue that a jury composed of 12 of the same man

is hardly a fair representation of society.

Or I could argue

that punishing the Blueberry Burglar for burgling blueberries

is like... it's like punishing an anteater

for eating the very ants it needs for survival.

Hear! Hear!

Now, don't get me wrong,

I love a blueberry muffin as much as the next lawyer.

And, in fact, I'm gonna have one for lunch right after this trial.

And I can't wait.

But let me instead say this, folks.

Are we going to really punish this man, this human being,

for an act...

What are you doing? What are you doing?

What are you doing?

Are you stealing my...

Fuck you, Rake.

You piece of...

(JURY GASPS)

(BANGS GAVEL)

The jury will now go to their room

and they will have a think about what... what the... this.

Not guilty.

Not guilty.

Not surprised.

Not guilty.

Oh, great, Mark. I can see where this is going.

And...

Guilty?

Yeah.

It was me.

Henry Fonda Mark.

Oh, come on, man! I got tickets to the ball game tonight!

It's the Clevelands versus the Yank.

Or something.

Members of the jury, your deliberation is complete.

Deliver your verdict

by rapping over this sick beat.

(SLOW HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYS)

(RAPS) ♪ Lady Justice Put your blindfold away

♪ Guilty or not guilty

♪ Today we have a say

♪ 'Cause it's justice that we care about

♪ Don't... ♪ I...

No, I was wrong.

I was wrong. Move on. Do it normal. I... Was it something I did?

No, you guys are great. It was my... It was me.

OK. I just...

Just do it normal. Just do it normal.

I liked it.

Shut up.

In the case of the Crown versus the Blueberry Burglar

on the charge of stealing blueberries,

we find the defendant

guilty.

(SPECTATORS GASP)

Blueberry Burglar...

..I sentence you to death by lethal injection.

(SPECTATORS GASP)

Jesus Christ, Zach!

Well, you... I didn't... This was... This was Broden's idea.

He was the one that said it, and I didn't want to be the judge.

I would have happily been a worm out the back, wriggling around,

and here I am having to kill a guy. More about the worm...

Nah, fuck this. Fuck you, the lot of you. I'm off.

It's lethal injection. Ah, right.

Ooh! Ohh!

Ooh...

Ohh... yeah.

Ah. Ohh!

Whoa!

Ohh!

Ohh! Yay-yay!

Oh, no. Agh.

Na-na-na-na.

Mmm. And that's a good blueberry.

Ouchie. Ouchie, ouchie, ouchie.

(BABBLES)

Wow, that worked quickly.

Mm. Yeah.

That's why you can always rely on good old-fashioned bl...

Blueberry juice?!

Argh!

Agh! (SCREAMS)

Agh! What have we done?!

Argh! (GRUNTS)

A-a-a-a-a-rgh!

I'm Blueberry Burglar

and I'm gonna fucking kill you.

(ALL SCREAM)

How did this happen?!

Oh, man, the internet is sick. Mm.

Oh, what are youse watching?

Ready Steady Cook highlights. Oh, I love that show.

If this show was on, I was watching it. Never missed an episode.

Wow.

Yeah. Were you guys Team Tomato or Team Capsicum?

What do you mean?

I was Team Tomato.

I... I think you just sort of picked your favourite dishes

and then you'd use tomato or capsicum to vote.

Yeah.

No, Team Tomato - ride or die.

I was Team Capsicum.

Hey, hey, hey. Hey, hey, hey! Take it back!

What are you doing, man? Take it back!

I was Team Tomato!

Oh, you were Team Tomato? Yeah!

Oh, great. Me too.

VIDEO: Thank you so much for being on the show.

We've got some gifts for you from all of us at Ready Steady Cook.

(ROARS) Somebody stop him!

Don't worry, Mark! Rake's got his rake!

Oh, yeah!

Get away.

Stop it. Somebody stop him!

(ALL SCREAM)

Argh!

(ROARS)

Oh, God, he's returning!

Argh! (ALL SCREAM)

Hey! Watch it.

Hey, bitch.

Hey, hey, hey. Agh. He's too strong.

His power is too strong against my anus.

Rake, get him with your rake again!

This is the worst day I've ever had.

Oh, no. Oh, no.

(SINGS) ♪ I hate this!

♪ This is not my day

♪ You looking at me, Broden

♪ Get out of my way... ♪

Oh, no. My hairline's showing.

Agh! No.

Take Michelle! No! No, don't take me.

Oh, my God, don't! I'm shy! I'm shy!

(BOTH LAUGH)

I knew this day would come. I knew this day would come.

(SINGS) ♪ A-a-a-a-a-ah...

(SINGS) ♪ A-a-a-a-a-ah... ♪

Tune in next week, and everyone have a blue...

..everyone have a blueberry in their mouth.

Have a blueberry Christmas. Rake! Get him with your rake!

Agh!

Captions by Red Bee Media

Copyright Australian Broadcasting Corporation