All language subtitles for 2069 A Sex Odyssey (1974)

Ladies and gentlemen,
we’re all here to investigate

one heavenly body,

the remarkable Coqueta’s Comet.

But it’s an elusive body.

About all anyone can say

is that it has curious properties
that we cannot explain.

It appears to have a
stronger than normal attraction

for heavenly bodies,

often leaving its proscribed orbit

and meandering around the Milky Way.

Another curious phenomenon
has been observed.

The comet’s tail is of
remarkable proportion.

Oh, it’s a big one.

That’s right, Miss, one of the largest

ever recorded.

You’ll see.

And it’s thick as well.

I think you will agree it’s astonishing.

It might extend 100,000 kilometers.

You must be exaggerating, Professor.

(spaceship pulsing)

Oh, Professor Comquick, look at this,
there’s something else.

- Well, what is it?
- It’s a curious object.

No, not flying saucers again.

Well, it looks like a saucer.

Oh, please, no more UFOs.

I’ve shown it’s beyond all probability

to suppose that intelligent
life exists in outer space.

♪

You all have your instructions,

you will not perform the
usual exploration duties here.

This flight has one function.

What we want here are male samplings.

Why do we want these seeds, Begania?

- (speaking foreign language)
- Certainly.

But, you were chosen for this mission
because you are a cunning linguist.

You must use the tongue of the earth people
at all times.

- Can you speak it?
- Yes, gladly.

Once again, what is the planet, Galaxia?

Earth.

And why is it so dangerous, Solaria?

What do they tell us
in our training sessions?

Earth is full of wild animals.

That’s right.
And what are these animals called?

- Men.
- Correct.

Report to micro visor.

And of what use are these men?

They make the goodies.

Yes.

Push it.

These are the goodies, as
you say, male spermatozoa,

the precious seed without which

the mightiest civilization
withers and dies.

On our planet we have
only a few specimen left.

Naturally these primitives can’t appreciate

the immense gift they possess.

Many use it several times a night.

Don’t the seeds ever run out?

How do we get the seeds to go out?

We haven’t learned. Advanced
research indicates that a certain part

of a man’s body appears
to undergo a change.

We’re working on it.

We know, for instance,
rubbing is very effective.

- Rubbing is the way it’s done?
- Yes.

However, reproduction of
spermatozoa is something

even our technology
hasn’t been able to master

and for that reason we were all sent here.

Our task is to get a supply
that will last us 10,000 years.

Latest information according
to Professor Schlockheim

is that the object has not
descended onto our planet.

As our leading authority
the professor assures us

that it’s just a figment
of mass imagination.

Unidentified flying objects do not exist.

There is no very complete explanation,

however scientists agree on one thing.

It is due to the comet whose
tail is influencing everyone.

They think we’re some imaginary creatures.

They are frighteningly crude.

Are these the men?

♪

Is this how they are?

Do we have to go there?

We must follow our orders no matter what.

What is this man doing?

This man is sucking.

Is he gonna eat her?

Men are very strange.
You mustn’t bite.

Karl, I told you, don’t bite.

- Karl, you’re biting.
- I wasn’t.

It’s your big teeth.

You’re complaining.

It puts a girl off, being devoured.

Look, pussycat, maybe
it’s what you need.

You’re a sensitive one.

You’re always imagining things.

Karl.

(laughing)

You got the real thing.

♪

(spaceship humming)

Oh, Karl, I saw something.

What’s that?

What in the world is that?

What is it?

You mean you don’t know yet?

It came down.

It always goes down.

Oh, Katie.

Katie, Katie!

The Mayor’s wife is calling you.

Katie!
She gets me to come whenever she wants.

That’s what I expect, too.

Katie!

Oh what a tart.

Landing procedure started.

Let’s now proceed to one more
review program session.

What is that?

It is a man.

- He is very dangerous and frightening.
- Good.

And why are we after him?

To rub his funny bone.

Our first task is to find this point.

How do we get the seed?

We rub for it.

Exactly.

Calling Sex-sex-sex, calling Sex-sex-sex,

are you ready now for approach and landing?

Hello, this is Sex-sex-sex,
all ready to land.

Approximate hovering altitude ten meters,

landing procedure now on
automatic computer, and holding.

We are by-standing for your command.

Proceed according to plan and
carry out your mission as instructed.

Take special care in
obtaining the men’s specimens.

Don’t anger the individual
by incorrect procedure.

You must always use the
word that suits the action.

Consult the tutor on board if necessary.

This is Sex-sex-sex, one thing.

Report from watching TV shows.

I am forced to conclude
the natives are violent.

The men appear to be especially dangerous.

Information is not correct.

All men in the region considered gentle.

But if in any doubt
proceed very cautiously.

♪

Oh, yeah.

What is this?

You get a lot of mice in here.

Either that or a hay storm.

Ride me, ride me.

♪

-Ah! -Ah!

That will teach you to
horse around in my barn.

We weren’t doing anything.

Just talking.

Carrying on like a common tart in my house,

I never witnessed such practices.

You couldn’t give a man a hard on.

- What?
- You just look.

Where can you find a pair like that?

Oh, God.

(spaceship humming)

Something is landing.

You’re right, it is landing.
Any idea what it is?

No, but it’s putting
goose pimples all over me.

(beeping)

Hold places, stand by for landing.

Any second we’re going to touch down.

That’s it, girls,
we’ve had a soft landing on earth.

Sleep until six AM local time.

Sex-sex-sex following orders.

Program put into instant operation.

We sleep until six AM, girls, local time.

♪

(phone ringing)

This is the police station,
Inspector Spekholder.

Spekholder, come over here immediately,
something horrible has come down.

What can I do, yes, you don’t say.

You’re not listening, you idiot, wake up.

-Something awful just flew past the house.
-Something fell on your house.

- No, you imbecile, it’s a flying...
- Oh, so it’s one of those, is it?

It must be kind of off
season, it happens once a year.

The mayor insists that
you come immediately

and investigate, Inspector Spekholder.

Yes, right, I’m coming, don’t worry,

I’ll be there immediately,
I’ve got to get dressed,

I’ll be right there.

It’s nearly six o’clock.

Where is that Spekholder?

Oh, Sam you’re the mayor, call Spekholder.

Why?

I called the police
station when I saw it land.

Call me when it takes off.

Oh, my God, I saw a UFO
land someplace around here.

- A UF what?
- O.

I don’t know, exactly.

Katie saw it while making
it with Karl in the barn.

What’s that, Katie was making it with Karl?

Now you show an interest, I mention
Katie’s name, you’re full of emotion.

What about me?

Don’t go on about Katie.

What’s she got that I haven’t more of?

Where can you find a pair like that?

This morning I’ll have porridge and
milk for breakfast with strawberries.

That’s right, have breakfast, and if you’re
going to make coffee I’ll have a cup.

Coffee good and hot.

I’m drinking milk.

You’ll get coffee, stay in here.

Awake, it’s exactly six,
you’ve got to get started.

This is it.

(whirring)

Come, come, girls.

This is no time to lie down on the job.
All of you.

Now you start to make the men.

Make the men?

Approach all of the men
you can and bring their seed.

You will be linked up with the mothercraft
by your helmets.

Your pulse and temperature
will be registered here

at all times, it won’t be dangerous.

Now let’s get started.

♪

Ready?

The north-south high pressure zone

is meeting an east-west occluded front

and producing unstable conditions along.

Here is the forecast for the region:

changeable with sunny patches...

Strange.

Never a word on saucers.

And Spekholder hasn’t come, either.

It’s best that you go and have a look.

Sam, you’re the mayor,
it’s your duty to go

on behalf of all the
citizens who voted for you.

Don’t do that!

First the French ladies’ ski
team arrived this morning

and reported to a secret
mountain ski training camp.

So far no reporter has been able to
pinpoint the exact location of the camp,

but it’s known to be somewhere near

the highest peaks in the region.

Listen to me, will you?

Will you cut that out!

♪

Hello, Sam.

Hello.

Nice herd there, Harry.

All beauties.
You should see the beauties over there,

over there on the ridge.

- What?
- Five beauties, all in a row.

Oh, there they are, eh?

Five little snow bunnies.

So they’re training here.
They’re in good shape.

What are they training for?

The Olympics.

What?

No question, yeah,
they’re the French girls,

the skiing team.

They were supposed to be in the area.

Then what happened to their skis?

Well, it’s some sort of training exercise.

Come on, Rex, what are you so afraid about?

- Relax, will you?
- You ever seen girl skiers before?

Oh, they sure look good.

♪

That is our target area.

We must separate.

Under no circumstances
must we be seen together.

Be very careful of your state of health,

especially body temperature.

You will retain earth
gravitation at all times.

Remember, all Venus
is relying on your efforts.

We must all disguise ourselves.

I would suggest men’s clothing.

♪

(phone ringing)

This is the police station,
Inspector Spekholder.

Ah, you’re phoning back, good morning.

About the object, yes.

I searched for it all night.

Maybe no one else saw it.

I know, ridiculous.

♪

Hey, your ulcer.

♪

- Good morning, how is the mayor’s missus?
- Your lucky day has come at last.

This is Paris calling.
I’ll call you back.

Hello, Flamm. Tell me, did you hear
any reports of flying saucers in the city?

No, in my business we keep
a lot of things up in the air,

but not saucers.

- I don’t need any underwear.
- Well, let me put it this way.

When nature’s been so generous she
deserves to have her triumph displayed.

My Paris collection
could make a masterpiece

into a monument.

Now, here is our style, Bell-mère.

Never so well revealed
as when well concealed.

And even more daring,
the English style, Britannia.

With this you will rule the waves.

It’s nice.

- It might be a little imposing.
- Imposing?

What you need is fantasy underwear.

Here, Venus Overjoyed.

I’ve already seen it.

You’ve already seen it.

Feast your eyes on this, Port De De Lila,
that is French.

- You like it?
- Yes.

Oh, it’s quite pretty.

- It’s really me.
- Yes.

Well, I don’t know.

It’s pretty audacious, but on you it works,

it’ll give you such a marvelous line.

It’ll turn your husband into the
tiger he was twenty years ago.

Not him.
If you want a shorter word combination

match it with Midnight Call in Old Siberia.

Ah, that’s very nice, isn’t it?

I guarantee your husband will see that

and he’ll go mad.

You will get any man.

(distant shouting)

Really?

Mhmm.

Any man?

Mhmm.

Let’s see.

♪

Come on, lie down.

Now I’ll just slip into Siberian Midnight

or whatever it’s called,

and we’ll see if it works.

Isn’t it exciting?

I love doing experiments.

That garment was thoroughly tested.

Don’t worry, I promise you it’ll work.

If it does I’ll take your whole supply.

You mean it?
If you want me I’ll be on the roof.

What?

♪

Say there, what are you doing?

Put that down.

You can’t go through
someone’s case like that.

What is this thing?

Very funny.

I’d sell it...

You want to know what it is?

- Yes.
- Good.

Let me ask you, what
do you wear under there?

Only my skin.

You’re naked?

Yes, and I can prove it to you.

Are you a man...

(beeping)

...with a...

That’s a question.

It’s a good one.

Now the best way to answer it

is for you to get into my car

and we will have a
nice, long chat about it.

Right this way.

You do have a...

This way.
The car is right here.

It is better you come to the mothercraft.

No, no, no, I’m not crazy about
mountain inns with crazy names.

And anyway, I’ve got reclining seats.

So do we.

Well.

Name and speak slow.

- You know what my name is.
- What is this, some kind of a joke?

Someone files a
complaint I take their name.

It hasn’t changed, it’s still Johan Berger.

You got it?

That’s why everything takes so long

at the police station.

I flunked typing school.

(phone ringing)

I should answer it.

I should have sat and watched

This is the police station,
you’re speaking to Spekholder.

♪

What is it, Reverend Mother?

Yes, I’ll come now.

There, you see?
The Mother Superior, I have to go,

a theft at the convent last night.

She says one of the nuns lost her habit.

It was stolen this morning.

You see why things take time.

Take your time, a nun needs your help.

What’s this?

Where’s my uniform?

Maybe it was stolen.

You think you can find it?

It’s gone.

Then somebody has stolen it.

I think you’re on the right track.

If I were you I’d look
for a policeman, hm?

Ouch, hey, that hurts!

It’s the only cure
for pitchfork in the rear.

I never saw her, bang and I was in the hay.

Happens to us all.

What are you using, ah, it burns.

You want me to doctor it, I doctor it.

Some doctor you are, you put on a piece
of tape like it was with a sledgehammer.

Well, next time you just tell her to use
a duller pitchfork.

Now you’ll know.
That’ll do, it’s worse than it was.

That’s only one part of the treatment,
this part’s the best.

Good idea.

♪

That’s it, take a good swig.

Mayor’s wife had no business there, dammit.

I mean it.
Every time I sit down my pants are on fire.

Hot pants, you say?

Ha-ha.

I should have known better.

My advice to you is
to get off your rear end

and do some work for a change.

Let’s go.

Hello.

♪

He’s wearing Karl’s jacket
and he’s got his pants as well.

Hey, stop, you, stop!
Hey, you!

You can’t come and
steal somebody’s clothes!

Karl, Karl, your pants and jacket

just went down the mountain.

My pants stolen?

And jacket.

Let’s catch him!

Whoa!

Geronimo!

♪

Damn tourists.

♪

Calling headquarters.

Being followed by a vicious creature.

He’s going to catch me.

What should I do?

Take evasive action.

♪

That jacket is mine and so are the pants

and I want them back now.

I’ll teach you a lesson.

Something tells me that...

It is true.

You’re a girl.

Well, that’s different.

Maybe you just wanted
to get acquainted, huh?

All right, no time like the present.

That’s it, lie back on the hay,

and I’ll show you what
happens when little girls steal.

- Take it off.
- I can’t.

Well, I can.
First we get you out of this ski suit.

I’ll freeze.

- No, you won’t.
- I’ll freeze.

Oh, come on, don’t think you
can pretend with me, you’re all right.

No.

In a minute here you’re going to roast.

No, I, I will freeze.

You’ve got a nice tan.

I can’t, please.

I’ll turn to ice.

It isn’t that cold.

Oh my God, she meant it.

Hello, you two.

Where’s Karl working?

He isn’t working today,
he had some sort of an accident.

Yeah, ran into a pitchfork backward.

I don’t know.

But he said he was a damn fool
to let such a thing happen.

♪

Now, men, let’s see how polite you can be.

We are honored by the
presence of a French lady.

Commander calling control center.

Reporting in.

Preparing to make contact.

Natives friendly.

Will find out how many of
the men can perform the act.

♪

She’s coming.

Beautiful.

You know who this woman is.

She’s one of the French ladies’ ski team

in the uh, Olympics.

Bonjour, ma chere.

That’s not what you say.

Welcome to our region, you are welcome.

Any facilities that you need, just ask.

I know why you’re here.

You really know?

I don’t intend telling anybody
about it, it’s none of their business.

I’ll do my best to see you
have anything you need.

You don’t object to
our fulfilling the program

we have undertaken?

No, of course not.

No, I admire a spirit of competition.

You work on technique, mademoiselle,

that’s how you stay on the ball.

Confidentially, we want
more tourists in the region

and we’re delighted you’re here,
whole town is.

I’m the mayor here.

I suppose you’re staying in
a pretty secluded spot, eh?

Yes, we had hoped to stay secret.

We brought our own quarters.

Sure, sure.

Well, what’s the matter?
Would you like to see where we stay?

Come with me, men,
the pad’s on the mountain.

Well, come on boys, you wanna take a look?

I’m going to learn how to ski French style.

Parlay voo!

Where’s everyone going?

To pick up some French ski lessons.

Yeah, come on!

Come along, everyone, come along.

I’m coming.

Come on, come on.

Attention, priority alarm.

Yes, message received, taking action.

Please, now we stop.

Now?

All right.

Yeah, that’s a good
idea, it’s deserted here.

Nobody comes along this road.

We’ll have a...

Hey, where are you going?

I must go to a friend who’s getting cold.

Well, right here you’ve got a friend

who’s getting hot.

You stay here, things will warm up soon.

First I’ll crank the seat
back to action pose,

just like in the science fiction films.

You could say we’re similarly inclined.
It was a joke.

- Please, stop this program.
- Program?

- Please, stop this program.
- I’ll switch channels, watch this.

Stop, please!

You see, it’s automatic.

But it’s a priority alarm.

You can say that again.

(whirring)

- It’s built good and solid.
- Yeah.

Man, this is a training
quarters, all right.

- What the hell is this?
- That’s for the ski team.

Where, pardon me,
where’s the rest of the team?

I do not need them to accomplish my task.

You will please sit.

♪

What’s going on here?

How’d she do that?

What’s happening to us?

We’re prisoners.

Hey, listen, why are you doing this?

She’s ignoring us.

What’s this got to do with skiing?

I think she’s a little strange.

There’s something about her.

Come on, Miss, it isn’t fair, is it?

You invited us for a little peace.

Very interesting.

So, you are cannibals.

♪

Four massageable males fitted with pumps.

Good work, carry on.

Continue program until
issued further orders.

All right.

♪

You don’t suppose it bites?

I never had machine head.

Look, you don’t need a
machine to do this work.

I think you French are
much too complicated.

- How else would we do it?
- He means a lay, mademoiselle.

What do you mean, "lay"?

What is this lay?

Let me out and I’ll show ya.

Mission Earth Harvest, this is an alert,
mission revised.

Number Four is in great need of assistance,

her body temperature is sinking rapidly.

Her pulse is fading as well.

Message received,
we’ll start search for her.

- Hey, just a minute.
- What is it?

I don’t wanna hold you up,
but aren’t you gonna unhook the machine?

Not necessary, but have no fear.

The pump will stop automatically

when one gallon has been collected

from each of you.

That’ll be a couple of minutes.

This is Commander Sex-sex-sex.

I’m looking earnestly,
but have not yet found her.

♪

Good morning, sister.

♪

The Reverend Mother with a tank full,

sampling the Communion wine.

Karl, what are you doing here?

I didn’t order any hay.

Look, Doctor, what happened wasn’t
my fault. I bet you’d do just what I did.

A man stole my jacket and my ski pants,

only it wasn’t a man, it was a girl,
and she went stiff.

- Stiff?
- Yeah, stiff.

- Who did?
- I explained, the girl.

You mean the girl?

Yeah, she got stiff.

That’s unusual.

Here, look for yourself. I wrapped her
up and got her here as fast as I could.

There.

Hm.

Very strange.
Her heart’s still beating.

I’ll have to treat her immediately.

Are you done yet?

Data confusing.

Are you suffering?

Not at all.

Abnormal reactions recorded.

Pulse above normal,
temperature above normal.

Has the wildlife captured you?

Yes, undergoing cannibalistic practices.

Then proceed to program 69.

Begania, come in, come in.

Come!

Just one thing, tell me,
are you on the pill?

- On what?
- Oh, well, don’t worry.

I’m prepared in any case.

Yeah, my line’s not
only lingerie from Paris.

Look, the latest thing.

This.

Ah, for goodness sake.

That’s our machine for
the men who don’t fit.

The men who don’t fit.

Hm.

In your machine, huh?

You have quite a sense of humor.

Now...

Turn over, come on.

That’s it, come on.
Good.

Is this another program?

No, same program,
but this time it’s in color.

♪

Really?
And they stole it out of your shop?

Yes, just picked it up and carried it away.

What is this place coming to? I don’t
think anybody from around here would do it.

They have to come from here,
there aren’t any strangers around.

Listen, there are strangers here.

Last night I saw a flying saucer land.

It was big and round.

Yes, I’m sure it did.

It did!

My dear, you must admit,
it’s a bit too hot in here, isn’t it?

No, why?
Perhaps you’d like to get some oxygen?

For goodness sakes, what’s wrong with her?

Frostbite, have to thaw her out.

Boys and girls.

In the sauna.

Come on, let’s go.

Well, it’s heat she needs.

This ought to do it.

Whoo, 110 centigrade.

♪

Are you awake?

Who are you?

I’m Dr. Mansfield, I’m your doctor.

How are you feeling now?

You all right?

Wonderful.

That’s what I call a temperature.

You’re very hot.

It’s equally dangerous to get too hot.

Why is it dangerous?

You could have violent reactions.

I know what you need.

You were stiff too long.

Try exercising your arms, there.

How about sitting up,
does that feel better?

Is this all right?

Just try to relax, that’s right.

Let yourself go till
the circulation starts.

Now I want you to give me your hand.

Which one?

This one.

♪

You’re a heavenly doctor.

Really, your medicine’s working.

- I think it’s rising.
- Rising?

My temperature, higher and higher.

How are you feeling?

Great.

♪

And now put this in your mouth.

♪

Above 120.

I’ve never seen one so high.

It’s very low, you mean.

You’ll break the thermometer.

Doctor, for somebody like me it’s not high.

I see it.

What?

I’d better go on with the massage.

♪

What’s happening to that?

What?

That thing.

Haven’t you ever seen
a man in that condition?

That’s quite a condition.

What have you done?

Too bad you’re a patient.

I can’t give you the
initiation I would like.

- Give it, please.
- I can’t.

It wouldn’t be professionally correct.

Not good?

That thing is not correct?

Yes, but, you’re a patient now.

Such a real Venus, really.

However did you guess?

♪

It’s galactic!

I’ll give it all to you,
my whole collection.

♪

Hang on, it’s everything.

I’ve never been so excited in all my life.

You’ve got me into outer space.

Who are you?

They call me Number One.

They do, huh?

Well, for me you’re more than Number One,
for me you’re all of the numbers there are.

♪

I’ve had enough of this lousy machine,
I’m going crazy.

The crazy man is the one
who thought up the machine.

Is that what they do in asylums?

You think you’ll get a patent on it?

♪

You men aren’t putting enough into it.

You’re not making an
effort, what is the matter?

Don’t stop, strip!

What we want is more boobies and tail.

- What do you mean?
- Don’t you get it? My pal’s right.

He means we’re much better
at it when we’re not tied down.

- Are you?
- Yes, let us up and then you’ll see.

We’ll do what we can.

All right, very well, we shall see.

It’s an interesting idea.

♪

All right.

Worst thing I ever had,
now I know how a cow feels.

Help me.

Next time I’ll take my skis off.

How’d we get mixed up in this anyway?

Pull the springs, go on, pull.

Here, you mean?

Yeah, there. Now the
other one, go ahead, pull.

I hate that word.

Let’s get out of here,
come on, enough of that.

Who will start?

Let’s forget until tomorrow.

Tomorrow? Next week.

Next year.

Let’s get out in the air.

I could use a thick steak.

Yeah, with a stein of beer.

Was this the way we got in?

- I think so.
- What was it she made?

(snaps)

That’s how a baby’s made.

Would you give me a demonstration?

It’s forbidden, I’m your doctor.

If you’re a doctor give me an injection.

I’m absolutely certain
I saw that thing land.

Yes, yes, that’s right, the flying saucer.

How about your explaining all about it...

It’s not the moment, dear.

You saw that girl, he’s
giving a treatment to her.

♪

I know you’re going to
eat me and I don’t care.

Such pleasure.

You can eat me, go ahead.

One treatment at a time.

It must really hurt bad
judging from the noise in there.

Oh, did you hear that one?

If there’s one thing I hate
it’s going to the doctor.

(moaning)

My cape!

That’s going too far.

What’s the matter with her?

Heat must have gone to her head.

Hey, you, what do you think you’re doing?

Stop, I caught you, you thief!

Where are you going with my cape?

Take it off!
I said take it off this instant.

Police, Inspector Spekholder,

come and arrest this
person, she stole my cape!

Yes, what is it?

You are not Spekholder,
you’re a new one, sweet

Now, listen, you have
to arrest this person,

she stole this.

You must arrest her immediately.

I’ll be happy to do it.

Come, sit on the back.

Well, for once justice is done. Young
people these days think they own the world,

it’s about time they learn...

(shouting)

Cold!

How will she dress in summer?

You know what I think, it was a mistake.

The French girls took
us for national skiers

and so they wanted to, well,

let’s say see that we’d be a
little below our top condition.

(honking)

Hey, what does he think he’s doing?

Hey, look at that.

Hey, hey, you!

Hey, you’re in reverse!

No, he’s pumping full steam ahead.

With this energy crisis
what some people won’t do.

♪

Look, we’re in luck.

We don’t have much time left.

We’d better have all four,
otherwise we might go home with nothing.

Another one there.
Good.

You’ll be responsible for him.

Right.

♪

Stop.
Stop, stop your car.

Why, what is it?

Now, please follow me.

What for?

We haven’t done anything.

You’re under arrest.

How about arresting that
idiot driving backward there, huh?

Now there is a real menace on the roads.

Do you know what he’s doing?

He’s banging a broad.

Come along. You can have as
much fun if you’ll only do as I say.

Come along, please.

I think we got one here.

First time I ever saw a gay cop.

We’ll be seeing you.

♪

Oh, jumping Venus!

♪

Hey, look at that.

It’s one of the French girls.

Bonjour.

What are you saying?

No use pretending with me.
I know your team is set up around here.

The minute I saw you I knew who you were

and I really love French girls.

Mademoiselle, French is my favorite tongue.

You know French, do you?

I’m not actually able to speak it,

but I’m sure that we two could have

quite an understanding.

That’d be very nice.

If you’d like you may
come to our training station.

Oh, to your, and where’s the station?
I’ve lost t.

I would say it’s there.

We can find it.

Yes, with pleasure.

But maybe it would be
better to stop by my cabin.

I have maps of the region.

We won’t lose our way if you follow me.

I’ll follow you.

Stop that, Rex.

What’s the matter with you?
There’s no danger, she’s French.

(dog whines)

Yes, do it again, it was nice!

Oh, well, okay,

but I’m afraid we’ll
have to go back uphill.

I feel warm all over.

♪

May we try it again?

Yes, but in a while.

I know you are a wild animal.

You cannot perform again?

I’d like the circus to go on,

but I can’t get the tent pole up.

Who’s in there?
Open the window.

-Close it, I’m cold! -What?

You’re both under arrest, come along.

You’re committing a felony.

Hey, you’re wearing my
uniform, you know that?

What is it?

That’s the best yet.

You commit larceny in a police
station, and you’re giving them a ticket.

You’re a real number, you are.

All right, come on, it’s
my bike, come on, get up.

Oh, very well,

you may take back your crude machine.

That little joyride is going to cost you

about three months in jail.

Can’t make fun of Spekholder
and get away with it.

Here, hold this.

There, now it’s getting nice and warm.

This, this will warm you up inside.

I’m not cold.

In my suit I’m quite warm.

Well, you mustn’t get too hot.

Why don’t you take off your suit?

Because then I would be too cold.

Nonsense, it isn’t really cold here.

Isn’t your team in perfect condition?

Oh, you’re right, let’s
get you good and warm.

Would you like a little music?

Nice and romantic.

♪

What is that?

That’s band music.

Band music, that’s something I never tried.

♪

Oh, what is that?

A flute that plays sweet music.

How would you like to learn it?

I can’t figure this out.

Report in.

Report in, Number Two.

Sex-sex-sex, what’s the matter, Commander?

It appears I’ve lost contact with everyone.

This doesn’t look good on Venus.

I’m very sorry.

The Venus insists on more progress

or we’ll cancel the entire mission.

♪

That isn’t exactly how you do it.

Ow!

Don’t bite the mouthpiece.

I mean, it’s impossible,
must be somebody at the police station.

The government will hear about this.

What ministry will believe
your flying saucer story?

I’m going to tell them what happened
last night, and they’ll listen to me.

Anyway, there’s another witness.

Oh, and who’s that?

Well, you, you saw it.

- I did?
- Now don’t deny it.

When you and Karl were
gong at it in the barn...

I saw a big saucer in the sky?

Karl certainly saw stars when you
poked him in the rear with the hay fork.

I must admit, I did see something.

Your big tits dancing around like
big watermelons in a couple of sacks.

I won’t forget that too quickly.
I did what was best for you, dear.

Ah, is this the Ministry of Commerce?

I’m Mayor Hopgoggler’s wife.

I’m telephoning about a serious matter.

Last night I’m quite sure a saucer landed.

We don’t have anything at
all to do with saucers, lady,

we’re a department of government,
not a department store.

You don’t understand,
it’s a flying saucer I saw.

Why don’t you ask for the Department
of flying cuckolds?

Oh, why bother.

He says no, flying saucers aren’t ours.

Somebody else over at Ministry
of Transportation might have a file.

Ministry of what?

But I’m perfectly serious,
I observed a flying...

I could say I saw a saucer if
you’d let me and Karl see each other.

You fellas can eat here.
Where have you been all day?

Where do you suppose?
Over at the police station.

Don’t tell lies. I’ve been trying to get a
call through for hours, and nobody’s there.

Yes, because of the French
girls the villagers are bound

to behave a little bit odd.

We met a funny police officer.

Maybe he’s out being Spekholder,

but he left the station to
inspect the French women.

Him trying to meet those girls?

This one wouldn’t, he doesn’t want them.

Now, first you’re going to disrobe.

Take these off, please.

Yes, all right.

I’m going to get to the bottom of this.

That’s it, take the clothes off.

Do I have to?

Yes.

And answer my questions.

Name and address.

I said name and...

Hey.

Now wait.
You’re a woman, it’s obvious that you are.

How could I tell?
The situation is highly irregular.

I’m not sure how I should
fill out the papers now.

Maybe you think it’s a joke.

Believe me, it’s not.

I came on a mission.

A missionary?

Yes. I’m taking up a collection.

So you claim you’re a
missionary, and you’re collecting.

But I don’t think that’s what you are at
all, I’ll bet it’s some kind of a swindle.

I can carry out my
mission with you if you like.

Bribing a police officer? I can’t be
corrupted so don’t try your tricks with me

because I don’t care what you offer me.

I’ll still do my duty.

Hm, you would.

♪

- What do you mean by that?
- I didn’t say anything.

What makes you think I said anything?

You implied that if I wanted to
take advantage of you, I couldn’t.

Well, we’ll see about that.

We’ll see whether I can shirk my duty.

I can’t stay here telephoning all day.

Nobody is interested in flying objects.

You’re the mayor, who should I call?

Why don’t you try reporting it
to the lost and found?

Ah.
I’m still unable to locate anybody.

You are ordered to leave the earth at once.

Preparing immediate departure.

♪

Reporting success on mission assigned.

Well, it’s Begania.

Here I am.

- And you collected some?
- Yes, I managed to fulfill all my quota.

- What’s in that box?
- That’s a gift from my donor man.

What, they give you gifts as well?

Yes, they’re simple
creatures, but terribly sweet.

You don’t look well. Is there
anything the matter with your eyes?

No.

Well, anyway, have you discovered
the earth technique?

Yes, it’s quite nice.

I lie on my back and he does it.

He does it?

And then all at once I’m so hot,
it’s very funny.

Why’s that?

I have no idea, it’s just
what happened to me.

Explain.

It was, hm, something celestial,
something much more than that.

Just like flying above.

Oh, collecting is a wonderful experience.

That explains your not reporting in.

I didn’t expect it to be so interesting,

I couldn’t report in.

Look here at the presents.
It’s what earth creatures wear.

These are useless articles.

Oh, I don’t know.

I’ll just put one on.

♪

- Won’t you feel cold?
- No.

But that’s so flimsy.

Funny, but when wearing
this, I don’t feel cold.

You know, I’m really
starting to feel at home.

Are you?

You aren’t forgetting you
are on a serious mission

and our entire planet is
depending on what we do?

Don’t you like it?

Oh, yes, it looks good.

Maybe I’ll try one on.

♪

I still don’t understand.

How does that make babies?

I explained it all to you.

Nevermind.

I like it when you explain things.

Well, it’s something everyone should know.

Tell me, who brought
you up in such innocence?

There were only females.

A convent, I see.

I know one thing.

That when our children come

we’re going to raise them ourselves.

Our children are going to
be raised in another world.

What are you talking about?

It’s sad.

- They won’t let us stay.
- They won’t let you?

Who won’t let you stay here?

Oh, you mustn’t be frightened.

I’m completing a mission.

A mission?

Missionary work is just for nuns.

(phone rings)

Yes, Mansfield.

Yes, of course I’ll be there.

Yes, I’ll find it all
right, I’ll be right over.

Emergency, a difficult birth.

Will it take long?

You never know.

Why not?

No two are alike.

Nature plays tricks.

I’ll be waiting.

Well, just try to get a little sleep.

I won’t be very long.

Please hurry back.

It all seems a bit silly.
You might as well be undressed completely.

No, it’s different when the animals do it.

The smell of the wild.

The man has to feel you and then it’s nice.

He feels things?

Let’s see.

What was it he did?

Ah, yes, the first thing,
you get on your back...

Here, you lie down, I’ll show you.

Come, Commander.

Sit down.

It all seems very elaborate.

No, it’s quite simple, really.

Now he started feeling me all over.

What did he do?

All sorts of things.

♪

This is what he did.

Doesn’t it feel good?

♪

(moaning)

♪

Isn’t there another sensation?

Something’s missing.

He didn’t give it to me, he loaned it.

♪

Sex-sex-sex, why are you still on earth?

Isn’t mission finished yet?

Yes, nearly finished.

♪

- Reporting Solaria returned.
- Did you bring back samples of the seeds?

I tried to.
I was so surprised that I swallowed it.

Swallowed it?

♪

♪ (singing in German) ♪

♪

Still expecting them?

They’ll show, don’t worry.

I hope so.

♪

The style of our clothes is no problem.

They think we’re all
in the French ski team.

We can move among them freely?

Yes, it’s very easy. They’re
not violent, just rather wild.

Then I see no reason for not attending
their tribal dances.

Tonight we might
complete our mission there.

We’ll go there and get them to give it up
to the last drop.

Yes.

Calling Commander Sex-sex-sex.

What is your position now?

We are continuing to carry out our mission.

Tonight the men fall prisoner to the women
of the French ski team.

- Hello, Karl.
- Katie, how are you?

- Tonight I’ll see you again in the barn.
- Have you seen the doctor?

Why? The pitchfork still
bothering your posterior?

That’s all right now. I wanna see him
because I’m worried about what happened.

Please, you can stop
worrying, I’m on the pill.

You don’t understand.

I’m worried about the poor stiff girl.

What?

That’s right, she was stiff.
It was quite an experience.

Yes, it was. Don’t waste your
time talking to Karl all night.

What does that mean?

You’ve got a tough ass.

My best hay fork’s broken.

♪

That settles it.

♪

(moaning)

Now maybe you’ll learn

not to make disparaging
remarks about police officers.

♪

(phone ringing)

Hello, hello?

I was afraid you weren’t in.

Oh, I’m in, I’m in.

I’ve never been so in in my life.

Then explain why nobody’s answered all day.

Oh, something came up and uh,

it had to be taken care of.

It was urgent to get it in in time.

Listen, I’m quite sure Martians are here.

Spekholder, how about your coming over?

I’m coming!

That’s good.
I’m coming, I’m coming, I’m coming!

♪

First you pull me off the dance floor

and now you’re trembling.

I have an idea.

You’re too hot in a padded ski suit.

First take this off and relax, there.

Now, that’s better, isn’t it?

Turn around.

Downhill position.

Your form is excellent.

You’re a very good teacher.

I’m speeding!

I’ll get away!

I’m right behind you.

It’s a dead heat.

Go on inside, you can’t get away.

Finally you show up.

The others are inside there.

Oh, really?
You got all of them inside there?

Yes, in there.

Good, I’ll arrest them all.

They’re in there.

Listen, I’ve had a very good idea.

Those girls pulled a fast one but now,

in my opinion, it’s time they had a lesson.

You boys up to it?

Ready to go.

I think it’s made of bone.

That’s the beer.

That’s the beer.

Go on, Mr. Mayor, tell me.

We can’t just make ’em undress.

Well, what have you figured out then?

I’m not gonna say any more about it,
you’ll see.

It’s one of those rainstorms
getting out again, huh?

Darling.

Hello.
What happened?

You promised to wait for me.

- I can’t.
- You can’t?

But just a minute.

Where are you going?

Didn’t you understand?
I want to marry you.

What’s wrong, what is it?

What’s wrong?

Please, I have to go away, I’m sorry.

I want to stay with
you, but it’s impossible.

I must return.

I won’t let you go.

Don’t be so afraid, nobody
can ever separate us.

They won’t let us, they won’t let me go.

No, they’ll never understand about us.

Who do you mean, "they"?

Who are they, who?

Is there trouble with the law?

If so you can tell me.

Would it destroy us?

Nobody can do that.

We’re together.

Shall we go and do it?

Shall, yes.

How about that?

About what?

Look at this.
That’s what they’re gonna do.

That’s good.

What are you looking for?

- Uh...
- What do you want?

I was just looking.

The police are here.

♪

Where’s she gone to?

Hey, what are you doing?
The police are here.

Don’t forget, we were going to...

I’ll do what you want,
but without the police.

Come closer.

♪

That’s very strange,
before you had a girl here.

What happened to the girl you had here?

Oh, her?
Probably she went to bed.

How do you know?

Well, she isn’t here.

Really, this sausage is tremendous.

I’ve never eaten so well.

It’s wonderful.

This sausage is fabulous,
how does she do it?

I mean, how do you do it so well?

If it’s so good, why not
have another one, huh?

I couldn’t.
I mean, it’s a tremendous sausage.

We better continue looking, let’s go.

He really liked it.

Just a minute, there’s
one point I’d like settled.

It’s that I be permitted
to assess the girls.

Oh, they’re big girls.

Yes, that’s why I’d like it.

- I see, go ahead.- Thank you, Mayor.

One second. I want you to
tell me something about Paris.

I know Paris well.

What is it? How would you
go about seducing a French girl?

With champagne, it’s classic.

A little of it on her forehead,

and a little of it on her mouth,

and a little of it in that region.

One bottle won’t fool around.

One merely away, then you must...

Where there’s champagne, you kiss her.

That’s all it is.

Tell me, can you work it with beer?

What’s this?

Can’t you watch where you’re going?

Look, the man’s covered with sausage.

It’s not too serious,
really, I’ll take care of it.

Are you all right?

It’s okay, your tie,
we’ll have it cleaned.

There she is.

Another one there. You were
hiding. You girls are too shy.

It’s my pleasure to uh,
on behalf of us all, I’d like...

You’re under arrest.

Stop that, what’s the matter with you?

What is all this nonsense?
That person stole the cape...

Just let the whole thing
go, I withdraw all charges.

I go to all the trouble of catching
her, but I’m not allowed to arrest her?

You don’t want to
arrest this lady, you can’t.

This person is a guest from France,

she’s gonna fight for an
international championship.

How many times should I repeat it?

These girls are...

Somebody’s here to see you.

He said the government said to come.

At last, you told me I was crazy.

What’s wrong with her?

UFO.

- What?
- UFO-it is.

Are you the lady who called?

Yes.

Well, how do you do?

The saucer creatures are here.

All of them are in there.

♪

And as a token of friendship
we would like to see you

in our traditional costume.

You mean those four girls?

Now I hope there’s no more doubt.

Absolutely not, I’m all together certain.

Yes?

What is it you gentlemen want?

I don’t, well what is this?

It isn’t fair, it was a
flying, a flying object,

I saw it, I saw a flying object,

but nobody, I saw it, help!

And now if you’d like
to come into the back

room to change I’ll
show you right where it is.

Oh, we don’t need a room,
we can change right here.

(all speaking at once)

Please, don’t worry. We’re delighted,
we can’t wait to get into earth clothes.

Yes, we want to do everything we can

to learn the earth’s ways.

(cheering)

Go to it, ladies!

I can’t stand it.

Play something, anything.

I’m going mad!

♪

I don’t think they should
walk around in bras.

Why not?

This is not a porn.

What did you say?

I said no decent girl is seen like that.

Oh, this?
Well, then, I’d be glad to take it off.

Please, put ’em back on.

Look, stop, what’s the
French word for stop?

Cover yourselves.
Cover yourselves.

It’s very warm in here,
I don’t need this, Mayor,

thanks all the same.

Play some music, I told ya.

- We can’t.
- Why not?

Because we’re drooling too much.

So am I.

(giggling)

You look terrible.

Let’s go, what do you say?

Now or never, come on.

(shouting)

See what they’re doing?

They’re going wild.

Some civilization.

Did you see what he did to her?

(shouting)

I can take one, but
I can’t take them all!

You again?

Let go of the prisoner,
she’s mine, she’s under arrest.

- The prisoner is mine.
- You’re obstructing justice!

(phone ringing)

- Hello, this is the police station.
- Uhhuh.

Yes, if you ask me I’m damn sure about it.

Oh, yes, I’m certain it’s a saucer.

Oh, believe me, that’s nothing right now,

I’m seeing stars.

Hold it.
Hold it, all of you, a little respect here.

Play some music.

Stop the idiots.

Hold it!

I said hold it, I mean, hold it!

Come on, who will be next?

♪

♪ (singing in German) ♪

♪

The natives are getting restless.

They’re murdering each other.

♪

There.

♪

This is the best party.

♪

A cyclone hit this place?

There, how’s that?
You must relax, you get so excited.

You need your energy.

This is a nice thing to show.

And the French girls all liked it.

I’ve no use for this sort of thing.

There you are.

I’m glad you thawed
out, you went all stiff.

I’ll never forget how you looked.

You’ll forget very easily.

Last call to commander of mission, come in,

what is your situation?

If you’re there, answer me, come in,

this is your last call.

♪

Never seen such a thing.

Repeating message.

Explain situation.

I’m here to take a look.

Stand by automatic flight computer.

Adopting emergency procedure.

Start countdown.

Hey, I’m going to France
to get me a television.

It’s worth it.

Main computer now taking charge, answer.

This is computer Earth Mission Sex-sex-sex,

all systems are go.

(whirring)

It appears that your crew is lost.

You will ready craft for
automatic return instantly.

Computer registering your data.

All systems in readiness.

Countdown in ten seconds.

Fasten seatbelts and extinguish cigarettes.

Who, me?

We’re going?

Ten, nine, eight, seven, six, five,

four, three, two, one, zero.

Hey, what’s that?

(whirring)

Somehow it’s like leaving earth for good.

Last verification, check
all communications.

Any message received
concerning crew members?

- Answer.
- Negative.

What in the world do you think happened?

♪

A full crop this year.

Well, I congratulate them.

That’s a beautiful baby you’ve got.

He’s the spitting image, so to speak.

♪

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