All language subtitles for Pillow.Talk.1959.720p.BluRay.x264-HD4U-sdh

Subtitles downloaded from Podnapisi.NET

[PILLOW TALK PLAYING]

[HUMMING]

Brad. Brad, darling.

I love you.

I know.

I just had to call you.

I'll never forget
last night.

Especially when you
sang me your new song.

Our song, Eileen.
I wrote it for you.

Oh, Brad.

Would you sing it
to me again?

Oh, now?

Please.

All right.

[PLAYING PIANO]

[SINGING] You are my
inspiration, Eileen

A perfect combination,
Eileen

Your eyes, your hair,
are beyond compare

So is it any wonder?

You captured me and now
I'm under your spell

Eileen

I do hate to interrupt, but would
you mind hanging up, please?

Who's that?

The other half
of my party line.

Just ignore her,
she'll go away.

You have been on this
phone for half an hour.

I've got an important
call to make...

I happen to consider
this an important call.

What, singing to a girl
at 9:00 in the morning?

It's none of your business
what he does to me, or when.

Would you please
get off this line?

I know it is early,
chérie.

But I just had
to talk to you.

Will I see
you tonight?

Oh, I'm sorry, Yvette.
I have to work.

Oh.

I have six songs to
write for the new show.

But you'll have to go out
and eat dinner, no?

Oh, I'll throw something
together here.

Oh, no, darling,
you mustn't.

You must keep up
your strength.

I'll come over and cook
something for you, yes?

Well, if you like.

Thank you, darling.

It's nothing.

Brad?

Mmm-hmm?

Sing me a little
of our song.

[CHUCKLING] Yvette.

Please.

[PLAYING]

[SINGING IN FRENCH]

Would you please
get off this phone?

Who is that woman?

Some little eavesdropper
on my party line.

She's always
listening in.

It's how she brightens up
her drab, empty life.

If I could get a call through once in
a while, my life wouldn't be so drab.

Must you zoom up
so fast?

What are you, jet-propelled
or something?

Morning, Alm.

The laundryman's
coming by today.

And would you please tidy
up the cupboards for me?

Oh, would you call the office and
tell them I'll be a little bit late?

That's a peach of a hangover
she's got this morning.

I'm afraid so.

Why does she have to go out
and get stoned every night?

Oh, I don't know, Harry. Maybe
she's got a party line.

I hope you understand,
madam,

that your phone company wants
everyone to have a private phone.

We're putting in new trunk
lines as fast as we can.

But with all the construction
going on, it takes time.

We have hundreds
of applications,

which take precedence
over yours.

But there must be
some way to get one.

Well, if some emergency arose.

If you were to become
pregnant, for example,

why, you'd jump right
to the top of our list.

Mr. Conrad, being single, I'm not quite
ready for that kind of emergency.

Well, I wouldn't know
what else to suggest.

Oh, but I'm at my
wit's end, really.

You see, I'm an
interior decorator

and I do a lot
of work at home,

and so naturally there are
business calls that I must make

and I cannot get
a call through.

That man is always on the
phone with some woman.

Have you any idea
what it's like

to be on a party line
with a sex maniac?

That's a very serious
charge, madam.

Can you substantiate it?

Well, he sings love songs
at 9:00 in the morning.

Has he used objectionable
language on the phone?

No.

Or threats of any nature?

No.

Has he made immoral
overtures to you?

Well. Oh, not to me.

And you're bothered
by this?

Yes.

I mean, no. What do
you mean, bothered?

His carrying on with all these
other women disturbs you.

Mr. Conrad, please believe me,
I don't care what he does,

I just want him to stop
doing it on my phone.

Well, madam, we'll have one
of our inspectors stop by

and have a talk with him.

Oh, thank you very much.
I'd appreciate that.

If what you say
about this man is true,

we may be forced
to disconnect him.

Good.

Haven't you reached
Jan yet?

[BUSY SIGNAL]

Keep trying.

If she doesn't
get here soon,

that woman is going to
drive me out of my mind.

Ming dynasty in a rumpus room.

[GASPS]

Mrs. Walters, be careful.
This is priceless.

Really? What is it?

A 14th-century
crematory urn.

Crematory urn?

Is anybody in it?

Not at the moment.

That's good.

Then we can drill a hole in the
bottom without anyone running out.

A hole?

So we can wire it
for a lamp.

Mrs. Walters, we do not wire
14th-century crematory urns.

I suppose not.

JONATHAN: Jan.

Jan.

Hello, Jonathan.

Hi. I've got something
to tell you.

Oh? I was trying to
call you all morning,

but your line's been busy.
Oh, naturally.

I just drove her out of the showroom.
How do you like it?

It's marvelous.
Like the color?

Oh, it's just beautiful.
The upholstery?

It's yours.

Huh?

In grateful appreciation
of the very brilliant job

you've been doing
on my office.

What? Jonathan.

Jonathan, you just don't go
around giving girls cars.

I do.

This your car, Mac?

No, it's hers.
Oh!

Is this your car, Miss?

No, it's his.

Jonathan. Jonathan, you're
very sweet and very generous,

but I cannot accept
a gift like this.

Why not?
But... Well, it's too...

It's too personal.

This?
Yes.

If I gave you perfume, if I gave you
lingerie, that would be personal.

But a car?

Come on, Mac.
If it's yours, move it.

Here. Send me
the perfume.

Will you be stopping by
my office tomorrow?

In the afternoon.

Listen.

Are you sure you
don't want the car?

Yes, I'm sure, Jonathan.

See you tomorrow.

My analyst will
never believe this.

Neither will mine.

Good morning.
Oh.

Mrs. Walters,
I'm sorry to be so late.

That's all right, dear.

Mr. Pierot and I had a very fruitful morning.
Didn't we, Mr. P?

Very fruitful.

Good.

Well, what are you
doing with that?

I picked it out myself.

I thought it would
go wonderfully well...

Mrs. Walters,
a fertility goddess

is the last thing
you need in Scarsdale.

A fertility goddess?
My dear, I had no idea.

Now, don't forget,
I'm expecting you both

at the housewarming
tomorrow evening.

We'll be there.

Savage little thing,
isn't it?

That woman has the taste
of a water buffalo.

Well, then why do
business with her?

Well, because she happens to
be a very rich water buffalo.

[CHUCKLES]

But if you ever leave me
alone with her again...

Where were you? I tried
to reach you all morning.

Oh, lover boy got started
very early today.

Oh, really, Jan, there must be
some way to get a private line.

Tell them it's an emergency.

Thank you, Mr. P.

I've reported him
to the phone company.

Well, it's about time.

They're sending
an inspector over.

As far as I'm concerned,
whatever Mr. Allen gets,

he has coming to him.

[CHUCKLING] Good.

[DOORBELL BUZZES]

Mr. Allen, I'm from
the telephone company.

Well, hello.

I...

I'm...
Yes?

I'm Miss Dickenson.
I'm an inspector.

What would you
like to inspect?

You. I mean, we've received
a complaint about you.

Well, I've never had
any complaints before.

Won't you come in?

Why, thank you.

You don't have to break the
sound barrier, you hot-rodder.

Alm?

Well, I heard from
the phone company.

I'm the one who can't get a call
through, and they sent me this.

Listen, "Your complaint
has been found

"to be completely
unwarranted and untruthful.

"According to our inspector,
Miss Dickenson..."

Would you believe that?
They sent a woman.

It's like sending a marshmallow
to put out a bonfire.

Here, read it for yourself.

You know I never get
into focus until 10:00.

"Our inspector found Mr. Allen
to be extremely cooperative."

I'll just bet he was.

[PHONE RINGS]

Hello?
Miss Morrow?

My name is Brad Allen.

Yes?

I've been advised
by the phone company

that there's a code number
for our party line.

It's 793.

Now, if you have any
future complaints to make,

I suggest you dial it and
complain to me personally.

Why, Mr. Allen,
if I hadn't complained,

the inspector would never have
found out how cooperative you are.

Miss Morrow, why are you so
fascinated with my personal affairs?

I'm not fascinated,
Mr. Allen. Revolted.

You don't see me going
down to the phone company

complaining about
your affairs.

I have none to
complain about.

It figures.

What do you mean,
it figures?

Well, obviously.

You're a woman who lives
alone and doesn't like it.

I happen to like
living alone.

Look, I don't know
what's bothering you,

but don't take your bedroom
problems out on me.

I have no bedroom problems.

There's nothing in my
bedroom that bothers me.

Oh, well,
that's too bad.

Mr. Allen, let's try
to be adult about this

and work out some
sort of schedule

where I can make
my business calls

and you can make your...

Whatever you call
the calls you make.

Now, from the hour to the
half-hour, the phone will be yours.

From the half-hour to the
hour, it will be mine.

Should either of us receive a call
during the other's half-hour,

he or she will terminate the
conversation as quickly as possible.

In emergencies, each will
exercise a little tolerance.

How does that sound?

Like a report from
the United Nations.

You mean, you disagree?

No, it might work.

Well, I hope so.
I understand that

we're going to have to
share this party line

for at least
another month.

We'll just have to try
living with one another.

Well?

I was waiting for you to
make some off-color remark.

Miss Morrow, is that all
you have on your mind?

Never mind my mind.

You stick to your half-hour
and I'll stick to mine.

You know, he makes
pretty good sense.

Were you listening in
again?

Yes, ma'am.

Alma, have you no shame?

No, ma'am,
he's brightened up

many a dreary
afternoon for me.

What did he say that
made such good sense?

If there's anything worse
than a woman living alone,

it's a woman saying
she likes it.

Well, I do like it.

I have a good job, a lovely apartment,
I go out with very nice men

to the best places,

the theater,
the finest restaurants.

What am I missing?

When you have to ask,

believe me,
you're missing it.

Well, what is a girl
supposed to do?

Go out on the street and ask
the first man she meets

to come home with her?

No, don't do that, ma'am.
it don't work.

Bedroom problems.

[THINKING]
Bedroom problems?

Bedroom problems.

JAN: Over here, please.

Just set it down there.
No, the other way.

Thank you very much.

How's it look?

You look beautiful.

Oh, Jonathan, now really,
do you like it or...

Whatever you like, I like.

Jan, why won't you
marry me?

Jonathan,
I don't love you.

Well, that's absurd.

[EXCLAIMS]

Well, I'm young,
I'm rich, I'm healthy.

I'm good-looking.
I'm very good-looking.

I've got everything.

Including three ex-wives.

[LAUGHS]
on, that's what it is.

Jan, please don't
hold that against me.

Those marriages were just a
revolt against my mother.

I'm trying to work it out. I'm trying
to find out why I dislike her so.

I've been talking
to this psychiatrist

about my mother
for two years now.

And?
It's perfectly healthy.

He dislikes her as much as
I do and he's from Vienna.

[LAUGHS]
This time it'll be different, Jan,you'll see.

We'll go to Mexico.

It'll be like starting
from scratch.

I've never been
married in Mexico.

Jonathan, I just don't
happen to love you.

Well, how do you know?

Love isn't an opinion,
it's a chemical reaction.

We've never even kissed.

Well, they didn't hit the moon with
the first missile shot either.

Oh, Jonathan.
I guess that's what I want.

To hit the moon.

Well...
I tell you what.

Let's have dinner tonight and then
we can try another countdown.

Can't do it. I have to go to a
housewarming party tonight.

One of our clients.

Well, I'll call you
tomorrow, then.

If I can ever get through
that busy signal.

Oh, call between the half-hour
and the hour.

How come?

I've signed a ceasefire
with my party line.

Jan, marry me and I'll smother
you with private phones.

[GIGGLES]

I'd better leave.

That kind of talk could
sweep a girl off her feet.

Hi, Alm.

Any calls?

[SHUSHES]

It's him.

Mr. Allen,
you're on my half-hour.

Party pooper.

[GIGGLES]

[PHONE RINGS]

Hello?

Don't ever do that again.

Mr. Allen,
we made an agreement.

You were on my time.

All right, so I overlapped
by a few measly minutes.

What am I supposed to do
when somebody calls me?

Be as rude as you are?

Have you anything
else to say?

Yes. Get off
my back, lady.

Stop living vicariously
in what you think I do.

There are plenty of warm
rolls in the bakery.

Stop pressing your nose
against the window.

[DOORBELL BUZZES]

Come on in, Jonathan.
The door's open.

Hi, Brad.

How's the show going?
Got any more songs ready?

Almost.
Hi.

Well, fine. Let's hear them.

Not now, Jonathan. I'm going out.
I'm in a hurry.

Now, just a minute, my boy.

I'm putting up $200,000
for this show.

We've got a theater
deadline to meet.

Jonathan,
you're hounding me.

No...

I don't know.

Money seems to have lost
its value these days.

With $200,000, my grandfather
cornered the wheat market

and started a panic in Omaha.

Today, you can't even
frighten songwriters with it.

Well, that's inflation
for you, Jonathan.

Pour yourself a Scotch.

Thanks.

The trouble with you is
you're prejudiced against me

because I'm part
of a minority group.

What minority group?

Millionaires.

You outnumber us,
but you'll never get us.

We'll fight for our rights
to the bitter end.

We've got the money to do it.

Why, Jonathan,
you sound absolutely bitter.

Well, you don't know
what this show means to me.

Now, look at us, we went
through college together.

You worked your way through. You've
become an important songwriter.

You've had a couple
of big Broadway hits.

You started out with nothing

and you've really made
something out of yourself.

Me, I started out in college
with $8 million

and I've still
got $8 million.

I just can't seem
to get ahead.

Who's the girl?

What girl?

Oh, come on, now,
you can't kid me.

I've been through
three marriages with you.

You're like a fighter.

You're only ambitious when you're
getting ready to climb into the ring.

Yeah.

Well, there is a girl.

Brad, she is the sweetest,
she is the loveliest,

she's the most talented
person I've ever met.

That's what you said when
you married that stripper.

She was not a stripper.
She was an exotic dancer.

With trained doves.

When's the happy
occasion?

Well, I don't know
for sure.

She claims she doesn't
want to marry me.

But that's what all
my wives said at first.

Mind if I call her up?

No. Go right ahead.

What's her name?
Jan.

Jan who?

Jan...

[BUSY SIGNAL]

Oh, no.
Not gonna tell you.

I may be neurotic,
but I'm not crazy.

Busy. I can never
get her on the phone.

She shares a party line
with some nut.

[THINKING]
It couldn't be.

Or could it?

What kind of a nut?

Some guy...

Some guy with a phone fetish.

She had to make
a deal with him

where they use it on
alternate half-hours.

That's ridiculous.

A Pretty girl. huh?

Yeah.

Good figure?

Hmm.

And you won't tell me
who she is?

That's right.

I found this gold mine.

I'm not gonna tell an old claim
jumper like you how to get to it.

You sly dog, you-

[BUSY SIGNAL]

Still busy. I must be
on the wrong half-hour.

Brad, as a friend...

Sit down, boy.

As a friend, I only hope one
day you find a girl like this.

You ought to quit all this
chasing around, get married.

Why?
Why?

You're not getting
any younger, fella.

Oh, sure, it's fun,
it's exciting.

Dancing, nightclubbing with a
different doll every night.

But there comes a time when a man
wants to give up that kind of life.

Why?

Because he wants to create a
stable, lasting relationship

with one person.

Brad, believe me, there is nothing
in this world so wonderful,

so fulfilling, as coming home
to the same woman every night.

Why?

Because that's what
it means to be adult.

A wife, a family, a house.

A mature man wants
those responsibilities.

Why?

Well, if you want to,

you can find tricky
arguments against anything.

I gotta get out of here.

What have you got against
marriage anyway?

Jonathan,

before a man gets married, he's
like a tree in the forest.

He stands there independent,
an entity unto himself.

And then he's chopped down,
his branches are cut off,

he's stripped of his bark

and he's thrown into the river
with the rest of the logs.

Then this tree is
taken to the mill.

And when it comes out,
it's no longer a tree.

It's the vanity table, the
breakfast nook, the baby crib,

and the newspaper that lines
the family garbage can.

No, no.

Look, if this girl weren't
something extra special,

then maybe I'd
agree with you.

But with Jan,

you look forward to having
your branches cut off.

Well, I gotta be going.

Listen, remember,
I need those songs.

I'll have them in
your office on Monday.

Good man.

[RINGING]

Hello?

Miss Morrow.

This is Brad Allen.

I've just gone through an agonizing
reappraisal of our situation.

And I'm not very
proud of myself.

I have used the phone too much
and I've been extremely rude.

I'd like to apologize for
the way I've been acting

and I thought we
could get together.

Have a cup of coffee,
maybe.

Get acquainted.

We might find we have
a lot in common.

Mr. Allen, we have
nothing in common.

Not that meeting you
mightn't prove amusing.

But frankly, some jokes are
just too obvious to be funny.

[PIANO PLAYING]

Bradley, honey.

[SHUSHES]

I've almost got it.
There.

I can't believe it.

A song for little old me.

Mmm-hmm.

[PIANO PLAYING]

[SINGING]
You are my inspiration

Marie

A perfect combination, Marie

Your eyes, your hair,
are beyond compare

So is it any wonder?

You captured me and now
I'm under your spell

Marie

Oh, Brad.

What a pity you have
to leave so soon.

Yes, I have a very early
appointment in the morning.

You know, everyone thinks
the house is heaven.

Really?
Oh, I'm so glad.

Good evening, Mother.
How's the party going?

Oh, lovely, dear.

Miss Morrow, I want you
to meet my son Tony.

Hello, Tony.
Hello.

Tony's graduating from
Harvard this summer.

He's Phi Beta Kappa, you know.
Oh.

Oh, Mother, it's not
that big a deal.

If Tony has one fault,
it's that he's too modest.

You needn't wait
for a cab, Jan.

Tony can drive you
into town.

Oh, no. I wouldn't
want to impose. Really.

I'd be delighted to,
Miss Morrow.

Thank you.

I do hope Mr. P will feel
better in the morning.

I'm sure he will.
it was a marvelous time.

Thank you, dear.

I'll talk to you soon. Good night.
Yes, dear. Good night.

I won't be long, Mother.

Tony, don't drive too fast.

I won't, Mother.

[TIRES SCREECHING]

What time do you have to be back
to the Copa for the next show?

Don't worry, darling.

We just got oodles
and oodles of time.

[ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYING]

[JAN SCREAMS]

[GRUNTING]

Tony, please.

Jan, you're so primitive.

[SCREAMS]

Tony, control yourself.

Remember,
you're a Harvard man.

Not tonight, baby.
I'm on vacation.

Stop it.
You're only 21.

I dig older women.

Oh!

I've never seen a boy
with so many arms before.

Tony, so help me,
I'm gonna tell your mother.

It's your word
against mine.

Look, I've never belted
a Phi Beta Kappa...

Okay, okay.
I'll take you home.

Okay-

Only promise to stop
and have one drink with me.

No.
All right.

All right.

I'm certainly in no
condition for this.

Well, now, would you
please start this car?

[ENGINE STARTS]

Come on, come on.
Drink up.

You're still on
your first one.

Tony, your mother is going to
be terribly worried about you.

Now, what do you say I pour you
into a cab and send you home?

[SLURRING]
You know something?

You are being
very uncooperative.

Oh, come on, Jan. Finish your drink.
It's very nourishing.

Will you please stop
trying to get me drunk?

Drunk?

I'll have you know a Harvard man never
resorts to getting a woman drunk.

Except in an emergency.

And you, Miss Morrow,
are an emergency.

Tony, I want you
to get the check

and let's get out of here
and I mean it.

No.

I categorically refuse.

[BAND PLAYING]

All right. You can stay
till AA comes for you.

I am leaving.

No, wait.

Just one dance and I'll go home.
I promise.

I don't believe you.

Scout's honor.

[THINKING] So that's the other
end of your party line.

How are you gonna get on
friendly terms with that?

Anything wrong, darling?

No. No.

Shouldn't you be getting
into your costume?

Well, it's not much to
get into, honey lamb.

I know.

But...

I want you to look
especially nice tonight.

I want to, too.

Brad, my boy,
you haven't got a chance.

The minute you tell her who
you are, you are buck dead.

But maybe you don't have
to tell her, honey lamb.

Are you all right?

I don't feel so good.

Do you mind if we
sit this one out?

No. Of course. Come on.
Thank you.

I really should
be getting home.

Tony. Get up. Tony.

[IN SOUTHERN ACCENT]
Excuse me, ma'am.

I reckon it got a mite too close
in here for your partner.

Oh, yes.

I wonder if you would ask a couple
of waiters to help get him outside.

Why, shucks, ma'am.

No need to call
anybody else.

Why, come on, boy,
upsy-daisies.

I can't tell you how
embarrassing this is, Mr...

Stetson, ma'am.
Rex Stetson.

No call to be
embarrassed.

I'm afraid he's had
too much to drink.

We have a saying
back in Texas, ma'am.

"Never drink anything
stronger than you are."

Or older.

Your coat, ma'am.

Thank you. Thank you.
Thank you very much.

I reckon we'd better get
your boyfriend home.

Oh, he's not my boyfriend.

No, his mother is
a client of mine.

A client?
You a lawyer or something?

No, I'm an interior
decorator.

You are?

He was driving me home and
insisted on stopping for a drink.

[CHUCKLES]

Don't tell me this
young fella was trying

to force his attentions
upon you.

Well...

Well, that's one thing
I can't stand, ma'am,

a man who tries to take
advantage of a woman.

We make short work
of his kind back in Texas,

I can tell you.

2268 Gardner Drive,
Scarsdale, please.

Drive him slow and set him
down real easy, partner.

Now, how are you getting home, ma'am?
Thank you.

Well, I thought that
I would take his car

and then he could
pick it up tomorrow.

It's mighty late for a young
lady to be out driving alone.

It's not very far.

I'd feel a lot better if
you'd let me see you home.

That's very nice of you.
Thank you.

Oh, that's it.

This bitty thing?

Why, back home we got
jackrabbits bigger than this.

How do you get
into this thing?

Well, it's a bit tricky. I think you'd
better put your right leg in first.

Oh, yeah.

Now sit down.

[CHUCKLES] Where?

On the seat.

Yeah.

Can't you get
your other leg in?

I hope so, ma'am.

Sure hate to leave
without it.

Can you drive?

Well, I think I can
manage the steering,

but somebody else'll
have to work the pedals.

I think we should
call a cab.

I think so, too.

All right.

[EXCLAIMS]

[STAMMERING]

Ma'am...

You might have to call
the automobile club

to help get me
out of this thing.

You looked so funny.

There wasn't a thing
I could do.

What a marvelous-looking
man.

I wonder if he's single.

I don't know how long
I can get away with this act.

But she's sure worth a try.

Well, don't just sit there
like a bump on a log.

Make some casual
conversation.

It's a lovely evening,
isn't it?

Oh, yes, ma'am.
it sure is.

You married?

Uh-oh!

You idiot. What are
you trying to do?

Scare the man away?

No, ma'am, I'm not.

This may take some fancy
broken-field running.

All those buildings
filled with people.

Kind of scares a country
boy like me, you know it?

[LAUGHS]

Isn't that sweet?

So unpretentious
and honest.

What a relief after a couple
of monsters, like Tony Walters

and that Brad Allen.

BRAD: Everybody had a large
family but me, ma'am.

I'm the only Child.

Really? There were
six of us at home.

Four brothers
and two sisters.

Well, that's what I call
a nice-sized family, ma'am.

That's something you don't
see much of anymore.

Well, I believe in large families.
Don't you?

Oh, yes, indeedy.

Seems like folks nowadays have
just stopped having kids.

May I, ma'am?

Thank you.

I guess it's the
high cost of living.

Or else television.

Between The Late
Late Show at night

and Dave Garroway
in the morning,

why, it seems like
there ain't much time.

Would you like to come in
for some coffee?

No, ma'am.

I ain't used
to these hours.

Why, back home we'd be
just about getting up now.

Well, it's been
a real pleasure, ma'am.

Night.

Good night.

Don't let him walk away without
your phone number, you goof.

You might never
see him again.

Oh, Mr. Stetson.

Ma'am?

Seeing as how you're
all alone in New York,

well, if there's anything you
need and I can be of some help,

my number is Plaza 2-2748.

2-2748.

I'll remember that. Bye.

Bye.

I'd say five or six dates
ought to do it.

[SIGHS]

It's so nice to meet a man
you feel you can trust.

He obviously respected you.

He didn't even
try to kiss you.

Or maybe you just
don't appeal to him.

He didn't write
your number down.

Why didn't you think to ask
where he was staying?

[RINGING]

Hello?

Ma'am,
this is Rex Stetson.

Oh!

Hello.

I hope I didn't
wake you up.

Not at all.

Well, I was just lying here thinking
about your generous offer and all,

to call you in case there
was anything I needed.

Uh-huh?

Well, I need to go out
to dinner tomorrow night

and I sure would enjoy seeing a
friendly face across the table.

Of course, if you're going
to be busy tomorrow night...

No, I always keep
tomorrow night open.

[STAMMERING] I mean, I
hadn't planned a thing.

Oh, I'd love to have
dinner with you.

[WITHOUT ACCENT] Heho, heho, heho,
is anybody on this line?

Yes, I am on the line.
Would you please get off it?

All right, but you're
on my half-hour.

[GROANS]

Rex? Rex, are you there?

[IN TEXAN ACCENT]
Yes, ma'am. Who was that?

My party line.
A horrible little man.

He sure isn't
very well-mannered.

Mannered? He isn't even
worth talking about.

Now...

What were you saying?

I'll be stopping by
about 7:30.

All right.
That'll be fine.

Miss Morrow?

Uh-huh?

I've never been much on
making fancy speeches,

but I get a nice, warm feeling
being near you, ma'am.

It's like being around a potbellied
stove on a frosty morning.

Oh, Rex, what a
lovely thing to say.

Well, night, ma'am.

Good night.

[GIGGLES]

Like a potbellied stove
on a frosty morning.

He does like you.

[PHONE RINGS]

Hello?

Miss Morrow,
Brad Allen.

Hello? Hello?

Yes?

I couldn't help overhearing
part of your conversation.

I'm sure you couldn't.

And sharing a phone
together,

I feel a certain
responsibility for you.

Now, look,
take my advice.

Don't go out with that
man tomorrow night.

He's a phony.

Of course,
it's none of my business.

Oh, that's right, Mr. Allen,
it is none of your business.

Okay, only don't let
that yokel act fool you.

This ranch hand Romeo is just trying
to lure you into the nearest barn.

Don't judge other
people by yourself.

All right, if you won't
take a friendly warning...

But I can tell you exactly
what he'll do tomorrow night.

He'll take you
to dinner, dancing,

then he'll find some excuse to stop
off at his hotel room for a moment.

And that, Miss Morrow,
is where the payoff comes.

Good night, Mr. Allen.

[EXCLAIMS IN DISGUST]

[IN TEXAN ACCENT]
Well, this is it.

This is what?
My hotel.

You don't mind if we stop off for
a minute, do you, to get my coat?

It's a little bit
chilly out.

The payoff.

One thing you gotta
give New York.

Nice, big hotel rooms.

And mighty comfortable beds.

Come on over here.

Now,

ain't that a pretty
view of Central Park?

BRAD: Mighty romantic,
ain't it?

Well, let's go.

You really came up here
for your coat.

What did you think
I came up for, ma'am?

I thought...

Thought what, ma'am?

Well, I thought you
brought me up here to...

Oh, ma'am.

I'm sorry, Rex. I should have known
that you're not like the others.

But I had to make sure.

Will you forgive me?

Of course, ma'am.

I guess I can't blame you.

Living in bear country's bound to
make you wonder about strange caves.

Now, let's go
for that drive.

This way, ma'am.

I thought we were
going for a drive.

We are.

Back-home style.

You know something?

Whenever I wanna
feel close to home,

the only thing that helps
is getting behind a horse.

There's something
so wholesome

about a man
who loves animals.

I hope this stupid horse knows
where he's supposed to go.

Hangs on to the reins
like a subway strap.

I don't know what he's up to, but I'm
sure glad she ain't my daughter.

Now, over here
is the ranch house.

Right here is the corral,
that's where I keep my ponies.

And over here behind the
ranch house is a mountain.

Ain't a very big mountain,
but it's ours.

Texas must be
a wonderful place.

Oh, yes, ma'am, it is.
It is.

One minute, I'll check my
coat, then I'll be back.

I seem to be
out of cigarettes.

I wonder if you'd excuse me.
Bye, now.

Bye.

Fred, you gotta come down
here and help me out.

Fred, I'll make you a deal.

If you come down here
and take her off my hands...

Fred?

Fred.

Hey, Brad. Fred who?

Hey, Jonathan, old pal.
Good to see you, boy.

Sir, you forgot
your check.

Oh, thanks, Cathy.

Come on in. There's somebody
here I want you to meet.

Yeah, who?

This girl.

Friend of the family. She's visiting here.
Wonderful girl.

Uh-huh.

But I wanted to work on those
songs of yours tonight...

Say, why don't you take her over
for the rest of the evening?

Me?
Yeah.

Take her dancing maybe.

She's dying to learn
how to dance.

Wait. She doesn't
know how to dance?

Well, naturally, she doesn't get
out of the house very often.

What do you mean,
naturally?

Jonathan, believe me,
you and Moose...

I mean, Miss Taggett,
will get along...

Moose?
Oh, all right.

So a girl picks up
a nickname.

You know how cruel
kids can be.

Especially to someone
who's a little different.

Now, now just a minute.
How different?

Well, just...

Different. You know.

Wait.

Is that the one right
there? That one?

How can you tell?

See how nice and
friendly she is?

Mmm-hmm.

Jonathan.
Are you kidding?

Jonathan, you've
got to help me out.

Sorry, pal.

It's your moose.

Happy hunting.

Yes, indeedy.

Beatnik.

[PHONE RINGS]

Hello?

Morning, Miss Morrow.
This is Rex.

Oh, good morning, Rex.

Ma'am, you done did
a terrible thing to me.

Oh?

You made me glad
I ain't in Texas.

[LAUGHS]

Havel?
Mmm-hmm.

Every time I look at you,
I say to myself,

"We got all kinds of natural
resources back home,

"but we ain't got
nothing like that."

Oh, Rex.

Tell you something
else, too.

I kind of hated New York
when I first came here.

All those people.
Seemed so distant and all.

Don't feel that way now.

That's good.

It sure turned out
to be a friendly town.

You'll find that most people are
willing to meet you halfway,

if you let them.

Am I gonna see you
tonight?

Oh, I'd love to, Rex, but I
already have a date tonight.

Who with?
A client.

You don't know him.
Jonathan Forbes.

Of course.

You ain't the kind of gal
who'd break a date.

No, I'm not.

And I ain't the kind of guy
that'd ask you to.

I know you're not.

I'll pick you up at 8:00.

I'll be ready.

Oh, what a day.

Good morning, Alma.

Isn't it a beautiful day?

You can't go by me.
I haven't seen it yet.

Okay, I'll take
your word for it.

He must be pretty special if
you'd break a date for him.

He is.

What's he like?

Well, he's 6'6", handsome,

intelligent,
owns a mountain.

Well, don't just stand there
making with the toast.

Get that robe off
and go get him.

What?

6'6" of opportunity doesn't
come along every day, you know.

Alma, I hardly
know the man.

Takes only one sip of wine to
tell if it's a good bottle.

This is a good bottle.

Well, what are you
waiting for? Drink up.

Jan, answer me.

Are you evading
my question?

I'll have these initialed
if you like.

Why did you break our date?
Now tell the truth.

'Cause you got
another date, huh?

Go ahead, tell me. You're going
out with someone else, right?

Right.

That's a terribly
cruel thing to say.

I'm... Who is he?
What's his name?

Rex Stetson.
Do I know him?

No. He's visiting
here from Texas.

Texas?

Oh, Jan, how could you?

How could you ever fall
in love with a tourist?

I don't know, I just did.

You admit it. You just said it.
You love him.

I did, didn't I?

As many times as I'll be married,
I'll never understand women.

What a blow to my psyche.

To be rejected
for a cowboy.

He's not a cowboy.

All right, an oilman.

Jan, if you marry him, you'll
have to live out there.

Look at that. New York.

People jostling,
shoving, struggling,

milling, fighting for their
lives, and you're part of it.

In Texas there's nothing but a
bunch of prairie dogs and stuff.

And even the air out there,
there's nothing in it but air.

In New York you've got air
you can sink your teeth into.

It has character.

Jan, you can't
live in Texas.

Oh, Jonathan, we haven't
even talked about marriage.

Yeah, but it's that
look in your eye.

I've been married
often enough to know

when a girl's willing
to talk about it.

Do I look willing?

You look absolutely
disgusting.

[GROANS]

I'm sorry. You know me.

I say an awful lot of
things I don't mean.

I just want you
to be happy.

If it's Rex Stetson
you want,

I hope it's Rex Stetson
you get.

[TYPEWRITER CLICKING]

Excuse me.

May I help you?

Yes. I'd like to make an
appointment for an examination.

For your wife?

No, I'm not married.

It's for myself.

You mean, you want the
doctor to examine you?

Yes. I haven't been
feeling too well.

Probably just
an upset stomach,

but a fellow can't
be too careful.

I'll tell the doctor
you're here.

Oh, there's no need
to break in on him.

I let it go this long, I can put
it off another few minutes.

[STAMMERING] No, I'm sure he'll
be very anxious to see you.

[STAMMERING]

Um...

When she gets back, tell her
I'm feeling much better.

It's probably just
a false alarm.

Where is he?
He must have just gone.

Excuse me.

The man said he was going to have
a baby and you let him get away?

But he was obviously
a psychopath.

What if he weren't?

But, Dr. Maxwell...

Miss Resnick, medical science still
has many unknown regions to explore.

Look, you're the
detective agency.

All I know is that his name is
Rex Stetson and he's from Texas.

I want all the information
you can get on him.

You've helped me get
divorced three times.

Now let's see if you can
get me married once.

What? All right, if it'll save
any time, I'll be right over.

[KNOCKING AT DOOR]

Yes?

Mr. Allen is here to see you.
I can't see him.

Sure you can. I herewith present
you three solid gold hit songs.

Leave them
on my desk.

Where are you going?

Listen, remember that gal
I told you about, Jan?

Who?
Jan.

The one with the party
line with the nut?

Oh, yeah. What about her?

Well, she meets this stupid
cowboy from Texas of all places

and she falls for him.

How do you know?
She told me so.

But don't worry,
I'll break it up.

You will?
Yeah.

How?
Leave it to me.

I don't know
how fast he moves,

but it takes an early bird to
get the best of a worm like me.

[PHONE RINGS]

Hello?

Miss Morrow,
Brad Allen.

Look, I am in a hurry, Mr. Allen,
so if you don't mind...

Of course, but before you hang
up, just admit I was right.

About what?

Your Western gentleman.

He turned out to be a
prairie wolf, didn't he?

Mr. Allen, this may come
as a shock to you,

but there are some men

who don't end every sentence
with a proposition.

Oh, come on, you mean, he didn't try
to get you up to his hotel room?

Yes, he took me
to his hotel room.

Uh-huh...

He showed me Central Park.

And then we left.

And nothing else?

Nothing.

Hmm.

That's even worse
than I thought.

Worse? What do
you mean, worse?

Oh, well,
must I spell it out?

Either you're not
telling the truth or...

Or what?

Well, there are
some men who just...

Well, they're very devoted
to their mothers.

You know, the type that likes
to collect cooking recipes,

or exchange
bits of gossip.

What a vicious
thing to say.

Oh, I hope I'm wrong,
but...

Don't you think
you'd better make sure?

You are sick.

Why, this isn't Rex Stetson.
This is...

My best friend.

Yep, they're usually
the ones.

[PHONE RINGING] Oh, I can't believe it.
I can't believe it.

Hello? It's for you.

Thank you.

Graham.

Uh-huh?

Oh, good work.

Get your coat, Mr. Forbes. Why?

I've had one of
my men tailing him.

He and the girl just went into a
little club known as The Hidden Door.

The Hidden Door?

Should've listened
to my psychiatrist.

He told me never to
trust anyone but him.

Is this Roly Poly?
Yes, it is.

Oh, I love it.

[SINGING] There's a guy
in this old town

I'm telling you a fact

He measures 5' up and down

And 5' front and back

He's a fat one.

Pleasing as they come

He's a roly-poly baby

A ton of fun

Everybody.

ALL: Ya, ya, Roly Poly

Ya, ya, Roly Poly

Ya, ya, Roly
Ya, ya, Poly

Ya, ya, Roly Poly

Come on, Miss Morrow,
you know this.

I don't know
all the words.

Go ahead, Jan, sing.

When I first laid eyes on him

I laughed just like the rest

The more I saw the more of him
the more I liked him best

Got a roly-poly baby

Point to him with pride

He's my roly-poly baby,
I'm satisfied

I call him
ALL: Ya, ya, Roly Poly

Ya, ya, Roly Poly

Ya, ya, Roly
Ya, ya, Poly

Ya, ya, Roly Poly

Come on, sing another one.

Another one?

Just to put my arms
around him

Takes about a week

But when I get
my arms around

We cuddle cheek-to-cheek

Got a roly-poly baby

Sweet as I can find

He's just a roly-poly
But so am I

I call her

ALL: Ya, ya, Roly Poly

Ya, ya, Roly Poly

Ya, ya, Roly
Ya, ya, Poly

Ya, ya, Roly Poly

Ya, ya...

[APPLAUDING]

Thanks, Perry. Thank you.

That's fun.
You like this club?

Wasn't that fun?
I love that. I love that.

[PIANO PLAYING]

Tell me about your job.
it must be very exciting,

working with all them
colors and fabrics and all.

Um...

Rex...

Hmm?

Would you like some dip?

I'd love to.

Thank you.

Mmm!

Ain't these tasty?

I wonder if I could
get the recipe.

Sure would like to surprise
my ma when I go back home.

Um...

Rex, don't you
find me attractive?

Why, yes, ma'am,
of course.

Well, then, why
haven't you ever...

Ever what?

I'm sorry,
I feel so foolish.

Oh, no. Now, go ahead.
What's on your mind?

Well, in all the times that we've
been going out together...

Mmm-hmm?

You've been
a perfect gentleman.

Oh, I hope I have.

Oh, you have. Oh, and I appreciate
it, Rex, I really do. But...

Yes?
Well...

Being such a perfect
gentleman and all, it's...

Well, it's not
very flattering.

Well, ma'am, I wouldn't
want to do anything

that might spoil
our friendship.

Is that all it is with us?
Friendship?

Ma'am, that's
a direct question.

I think it deserves
a direct answer.

PERRY: [SINGING]
I need no atmosphere

No day in June

I need no rocket ship

No trip to the moon

If you'll excuse me,

I'd better go to
the powder moon...

I mean, room.

Fix my lipstick.

[PERRY SINGING]

There's our man.
Yes, I know him.

I can handle it from here.

[PERRY SINGING]

Need a light, cowboy?

[PEOPLE APPLAUDING]

When are you heading
back to the range, Tex?

That's up to you.

JONATHAN:
You've got two minutes.

We'll do this nice and clean,
so no one's embarrassed.

When she gets back,
you'll say goodbye.

You'll put her in a cab.

And we'll go home
and you'll pack.

Where am I going?

Connecticut.

My summer house is perfect
for writing songs.

No phone and 20 miles
to the nearest girl.

Looks like I haven't
much choice.

Sure looks like it.

Remember,
I'll be watching you.

Ma'am.

Hello.

You know, I'm sure going to miss
you, leaving New York and all.

You're leaving?
Mmm-hmm.

When?

Tonight. I have to
mosey up to Connecticut.

Didn't I tell you?
No.

No, you didn't.

Well, this friend of mine, a business
associate, has a house up there,

and he practically
forced me to use it.

I just couldn't
refuse him.

Why must you...

Well...

I may be buying the place and I
kind of want to get the feel of it.

Oh.

How long will you be away?

For the weekend.

It's going to be
mighty lonely up there.

Ma'am, I don't suppose
you would consider...

Consider what?

No, I'm afraid I couldn't
ask you that, ma'am.

Don't be afraid, ask me.

Well...

Oh, no, ma'am,
it wouldn't be proper.

Rex, we're both over 21.

I mean...

Well, I certainly should be
able to trust you by now.

Ma'am, if I sent you
home in a taxi,

how long do you think it would
take you to get packed up?

About an hour.

Forty-five minutes?

We're wasting time.

[PIANO PLAYING]

[SINGING] You lied, you dog

And you'll be sorry

You lied, you hound

And that's not fair

[PHONE RINGING]

Hello?

Mr. Allen.

Just so you'll realize how wrong
you are about Rex Stetson,

he has just asked me to go
away with him for the weekend.

He didn't.

Are you going?

[CHUCKLES]

That, Mr. Allen, is something
you'll never know.

[SINGING]
You are my inspiration

Jan Morrow

[WHISTLING]

All set?

All set.
Ah.

Just to make sure you do
plenty of scoring up there.

I'll do my best.

You'd better.

Off you go.

[ENGINE STARTS]

Gosh, I feel guilty.

I practically tricked him
into taking me along.

You know, you've gone out with
a lot of men in your time.

But this...
This is the jackpot.

You cold?

No. It's wonderful.

If he only knew
what I was thinking.

[SINGING] Hold me tight
and kiss me right

I'm yours tonight

My darling, possess me

Tenderly and breathlessly

Make love to me

My darling, possess me

Near to me

When you are near to me

My heart forgets

To beat

Stars that shine
make dreams divine

So say you're mine

And, my darling,
possess me

What did you say?

Hmm?

Didn't you say something?

Who, me? No.

Oh.

May I help you, sir?

[STAMMERING] Yes. I've
been trying to call...

To phone Miss Morrow for some time
now and there's been no answer.

I just wondered if anything
could possibly be wrong.

Oh, I hardly think so, sir.

She's just gone to
Connecticut for the weekend.

Connecticut?

There's no phone number, but
I have a forwarding address.

241 Stonybrook Road?

Why, yes, sir.

[BANGS COUNTER]

And you let her go?

Well, it wasn't my place...

No, it's my place.
And I helped him pack.

Remember when I said
that being near you

is like being near a potbellied
stove on a frosty morning?

Yes.

I was wrong.

You were?

More like a forest fire,
completely out of control.

You know something?

Out here in the country
you're very different.

I reckon I feel more at
home, for the first time.

A man who owns a mountain
doesn't belong in the big city.

Mmm-mmm.

Fire's nearly out.

I'd better get
some more logs.

For later.

[DOOR OPENS]

Hurry back.

Quicker than a cowpoke
chasing a chuck wagon.

[DOOR CLOSES]

[PLAYING]

[VOCALIZING]

[PLAYING]

[VOCALIZING]

Jan, I...

Jan, please.

Stop.
Jonathan.

His name isn't Rex
Stetson, it's Brad Allen.

I know that.

He's a sneaking,
double-crossing rat.

I know that, too.

Will you please
take me home?

Of course.

Bedroom problems.

At least mine can be
solved in one bedroom.

You couldn't solve
yours in a thousand.

You cad.

At least you could have had the
decency to bring your own champagne.

[WHIMPERING]

[SOBBING]

Jan, you've been crying
for 60 miles now.

I know it.

Well, don't you think it's
about time you stopped?

I can't.

[JAN WEEPING]

Come on.

A cup of coffee will
make you feel better.

I'm sorry, Jonathan.

That's all right, come on.

[SNIFFLING]

[SOBBING]

Two coffees, please.

[WEEPING]

Try to control
yourself, Jan.

I've never done anything
like this before.

All right, there has
to be a first time.

You don't have to go
to pieces over it.

I'm so ashamed.

Poor kid.

Guy drives a big car with
all the optional extras.

Thinks he can get away
with anything.

I thought we were
going to get married.

Forget it.

[WAILING]

Jan, you're becoming
hysterical.

I can't help it.

I hate to do this, Jan, but
this is for your own good.

You see? You see?

Jonathan!

Jonathan!

[WAILING]

LOIS: Your coffee,
Mr. Forbes.

Hello, Jonathan.

What happened to you?

I was jumped upon by
five or six ruffians.

What?

That's all right, Lois,
just put it down.

By rights, these loose
teeth belong to you.

You made her cry.

I was only trying to stop her.
Cry?

Did she cry?

Cry?

I never knew a woman that size
had that much water in her.

Have you seen her, Jonathan? No.

Have you talked to her?

No, I've decided
to give her up

on the advice of
my psychiatrist.

Also my dentist.

Where have you been
the last three days?

I stayed up there,
working on the new songs.

What have you got?

This.

And this. And this.

What, what, what?

Couldn't come up
with a thing.

I just sat there,
feeling guilty.

Guilty? You?

I once saw you work on three
sisters at the same time.

And you came up with
some of your best songs.

All of a sudden, why does one
girl make you feel guilty?

I don't know. I just do.

Well, what do you know?
You're in love.

The mighty tree
has been toppled.

For years I've been waiting to
hear them yell "timber" over you.

You could be right.

You're darn right
I'm right.

You love her and she can't
stand the sight of you.

[SNICKERING]

That's wonderful.

That's what it is,
it's wonderful.

It's almost makes these
loose teeth worthwhile.

[INTERCOM BUZZES]

Yeah?

LOIS: Miss Morrow
is here to see you.

Tell her to come in.

Is there a back way out of here?
Uh-uh.

We're gonna have
some fun around here.

Thank you.
Good morning, Jonathan.

JONATHAN: Jan.

Here's the painting I was
telling you about. Ah...

Well, let's get on with
the hanging, shall we?

I believe you're acquainted
with Brad Allen, the ex-Rex?

The end tables are coming at 4:00, Jonathan.
I'll see you then.

Jan.

Jan, wait.

Look, I don't blame
you for hating me.

I'm trying to apologize.

[WOMEN SCREAMING]

Excuse me.

Well, where did he go?

I don't know, but he
came out of there.

And you let him
get away again?

Well, now, surely, Doctor,
you don't believe...

Miss Resnick,
a prejudiced viewpoint

never advanced
the cause of science.

Somewhere in this building, there may be
a man who has crossed a new frontier.

Jonathan, how do
I get her back?

You don't.
That's the beauty of it.

You suffer and I watch.

Got to be a way.
There's got to.

What a delightful
situation.

The great Brad Allen,
chopped down to size,

floating down the river
with the rest of us logs.

When you want to get on friendly terms
with a girl, you're nice to her dog.

No dog.

Well, if there's no dog, then
you're nice to her mother.

Milwaukee, Wisconsin.

Well, if worse comes to
worst, you work on her maid.

Alma? You couldn't get
to first base with her.

Alma.

Thanks a lot.

Uh, uh, excuse me.

May I talk to you?

Yes.

My name is Brad Allen,
and I...

Mr. Allen, of course.

Get lost.

I'd know that voice
of yours anywhere.

You know me?

[SINGING]
You are my inspiration, Alma

Oh, the telephone.

I'm one of your most
devoted listeners.

Why, thank you.

That's all right.

Oh, well, couldn't we...

It's a little
chilly out here.

Couldn't we stop in and
have a drink somewhere?

Oh, no, I don't usually...

Well, I might have one,
just to be sociable.

Good. Good.

I know a nice little bar
right down the street.

I know a better one.

You ready for
another one?

No?

No.

[SLURRING] Now, let's take this
problem from the beginning.

You're in love with her and
you want to win her back.

The first thing you gotta do
is to get her to talk to you.

Right?

Right.

Really very simple.

Very simple.

You've got an apartment.
She decorates apartments.

You hire her
to do your place.

Two people decorating an
apartment, that's pretty intimate.

Intimate.
She's gotta talk to you.

Clever?

Clever.

And once you start talking,
it's only a matter of time.

Now, remember, you hire her
to decorate your apartment.

Okay?
Okay.

Happy?
Happy.

Would you care for a
little snack of some kind?

Hi, there, slugger.
This'll fix you up.

How do you feel?

Oh, boy.

I've had hangovers before,

but this time
even my hair hurts.

And you were gonna
get her drunk, huh?

I stayed with her through
a bottle of Scotch.

I lost her halfway
through the vodka.

This'll fix you up. It's got
a lot of olive oil in it.

The State Department
could use her.

What a party girl
she'd make in Moscow.

And two raw eggs.

Oh, go away.

Didn't you find out
anything from her?

All I remember is this
voice swimming towards me

through a sea of Scotch.

"You've got an apartment.
She decorates apartments.

"Right?"
Right.

Of course.

What's the name of that
place where she works?

Pierot's. But she
won't talk to you.

[SNICKERS]

But Pierot will.
You know the number?

Yeah.

Dial it.

[GROANING]
Not so loud.

What do you think?

[WHIMPERS]

But you threw out
all my ideas.

Well...
Jan, I hate to say this,

but you were
absolutely right.

This is much better.

Of course, if you repeat that
to anyone, you're fired.

Tilda, as soon as you get
back from the post office,

call Brad Allen back

and tell him it's impossible.

He'll have to get another
decorator to do his apartment.

Yes, sir.

You mean, you're
turning him down?

I have to.

But why?

Because I haven't the
time to do his place.

And I certainly
can't send you,

not with the way
you feel about him.

But it's not fair for you
to lose a commission

because of my
personal feelings.

I couldn't subject you
to such an experience.

It might be, how would
you say, traumatic.

Now, that's silly.
Now, look.

Once, I had the mumps.

It wasn't very pleasant,
but I got over it.

The mumps?

I look upon Brad Allen
like any other disease.

I've had him. It's over.
I'm immune to him.

All right, Jan, if you
think you can handle it.

I certainly can.

It's your decision.

Mr. Allen? Pierot.
She's coming over.

[DOORBELL BUZZES]

Why, Miss Morrow,
I was expecting Mr. Pierot.

Mr. Pierot is unavailable
at this time.

However, if you'd rather
wait until he's free...

Oh, no, no.
You'll do just fine.

Please come in.

It's just that, well,
it's a little embarrassing.

Mr. Allen, I'm a decorator,
you're a client.

I'm here because you are paying
for my professional services.

Now, what style
did you have in mind?

Nothing in particular.

I'm leaving that
entirely up to you.

Mmm-hmm.

Now, here...

This is where I do my work.

Living room. Over here is the
kitchen, dining room over there.

And up here?

The bedroom.

And these?

Light switches.

[EXCLAIMS]

Just switches.

Aren't they rather
inconvenient?

Why, no.

The man that lived here
before me had very long arms.

Over here...

Mr. Allen, if I'm going
to redo the apartment,

I have to know what
everything is for.

Now, this is the fireplace.

But I'd like to see what
the other switch does.

It's just a light switch. I
wouldn't pay any attention to it.

Mr. Allen, please.

Jan, I...

Why redecorate?

It's so functional
for your purposes.

Not anymore.

That's why I want you
to redecorate.

That bed is the first thing
I want you to get rid of.

And anything else that you
think is in bad taste,

throw it out.

I want you make this
the type of place that,

well, you'd feel
comfortable in.

I'll keep that in mind.

Good.

You go right ahead
and take over,

and I'll stay here
and do my work.

I'm sorry, Mr. Allen, once we get
started you'll have to move out

and stay away
until I'm finished.

Move out?

The men are going
to be working here.

You'll just be in the way.

But there might be things that
you want to discuss with me.

On a job like this,
Mr. Allen,

you'll have to give me
carte blanche.

But I... Well, if you
feel that way...

No. No. No.
I'll leave.

Just do the place
the way you'd like it.

I will.

[ROMANTIC MUSIC STOPS PLAYING]

Tilda, call these shops and tell
them I'll be coming by, will you?

I want to pick up
a few things.

But, Miss Morrow, we don't
deal with any of these shops.

Well, you know what
their stuff is like.

You bet I do.

You should have seen
that man's apartment.

He's got it down
to a science.

He pushes a button and the couch
becomes a bed with baby blue sheets.

Really?

And him acting
so embarrassed.

Big phony.

He's like a spider and he expects
me to redecorate his web.

Ha!

Eileen? Brad.

Dear, I want you to
be the first to know.

I've met this girl,
I've fallen in love with her,

and I'm planning
to marry her.

Oh, nonsense, dear, you have
everything to live for.

No. It's not
nauseating enough.

That one, with
the two heads.

You're not serious.

Wrap it.

Marie? Brad.

Dear, I want you to
be the first to know.

With big velour tassels.

Tassels?

Tassels.

Goodbye, my dear.

Yes. Yes, Mr. Allen, your apartment will
be ready first thing in the morning.

There's just one final touch
I want to give it.

Goodbye.

Behold, Jonathan. The
work of a woman in love.

Oh, no.

I hope you saved those
telephone numbers.

[EXCLAIMS]

What?

That chair, it bit me.

[JAN SCREAMS]

Get your clothes on.

You get out of here.

We're going to my apartment.
I've seen it.

You'll see it again.
Now, put your clothes on.

I won't.

Are you getting out of that bed
or am I coming in after you?

You wouldn't dare.

[SCREAMS]

Oh, how dare you?

Oh, you put me down.
I said, put me down.

I said, put me down.

What are you doing?
Where are you taking me?

I'm warning you, put me
down or I'll scream!

Oh, good morning, Mrs. Wilson.
Good morning.

Now, you put me
back in my bed.

Down, please.

Harry, would you be so kind
as to call the police?

Harry.

Alma, Alma, stop him.

You wouldn't take me
out in the street.

If I ever get on my
feet again, look out.

Alma.

That man just inspired me to do
something I should have done long ago.

You're too nice
a looking woman

to go out drinking
every night.

You know, what you need
is a man to take care of.

Then you wouldn't have
so much time to drink.

Why, Harry,
you're so strong.

They'll never believe this
back in Wichita Falls.

Officer, arrest this man.

He's taking me up
to his apartment.

Can't say as I
blame him, Miss.

How's it going, Brad?

Fine, Kelly.

Mommy, where's that man
taking that lady?

Shh! I'll tell you
when you're older.

All right, you got me up
here to see the apartment.

Now will you kindly
put me down?

It's customary for the groom to carry
the bride across the threshold.

What bride?

[YOWLS]

How's it feel, returning
to the scene of the crime?

What bride?

Why did I spend a fortune having
this apartment done over?

Why did I cut myself off
from every girl I know?

Why does any man
destroy himself?

Because he thinks
he's getting married.

And what does it get me?
What bride?

This.

Well, you did yourself
a great job.

And as far as I'm concerned, you can
stay here and charge admission.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Doctor, look. It's him.

Him?

Just a moment, sir.

Would you mind
stepping into my office?

Not now, I have to see
a friend of mine.

Yes, but I want to talk
to you for just a moment.

But I have some
important news to tell.

It will only take
a few minutes.

But you don't understand,
I'm going to have a baby.

Of course you are.

Wait a minute.
Jonathan!

Jonathan!

[PILLOW TALK PLAYING]