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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:22,700 --> 00:00:26,734 He's the undisputed king of underground comedy. 2 00:00:26,934 --> 00:00:30,567 You've seen him in "Friday After Next," 3 00:00:30,767 --> 00:00:34,700 "The Pimp Chronicles One and Two," 4 00:00:34,900 --> 00:00:37,667 "It's Pimpin' Pimpin'," 5 00:00:37,867 --> 00:00:39,600 "American Hustle," 6 00:00:39,800 --> 00:00:41,333 "Kattpacalypse," 7 00:00:41,533 --> 00:00:43,416 "Katt Williams: Live," 8 00:00:43,616 --> 00:00:45,300 "Wild 'n Out," and more. 9 00:00:45,500 --> 00:00:49,000 He shut down the Internet single-handedly. 10 00:00:49,200 --> 00:00:51,500 He's knocked out everyone 11 00:00:51,700 --> 00:00:53,800 from 108 to 308 pounds. 12 00:00:54,000 --> 00:00:57,367 He's back and better than ever. 13 00:00:57,567 --> 00:00:59,833 Ladies and gentlemen, 14 00:01:00,033 --> 00:01:05,766 let's get ready to chuckle! 15 00:01:05,966 --> 00:01:11,500 Presenting Katt Williams! 16 00:01:11,700 --> 00:01:13,033 ♪ This shit is legendary ♪ 17 00:01:13,233 --> 00:01:14,733 ♪ Trip like Jason Terry ♪ 18 00:01:14,933 --> 00:01:16,600 ♪ Pussy pink as Katy Perry ♪ 19 00:01:16,800 --> 00:01:18,416 ♪ This shit came from nowhere ♪ 20 00:01:18,616 --> 00:01:20,233 ♪ Drama, please don't go there ♪ 21 00:01:20,433 --> 00:01:21,634 ♪ Pussy Michael Jordan ♪ 22 00:01:21,834 --> 00:01:24,300 ♪ No hair, bald, had no hair ♪ 23 00:01:24,500 --> 00:01:26,100 ♪ Bandz a made her dance ♪ 24 00:01:26,300 --> 00:01:27,883 ♪ 20s will bring her friends ♪ 25 00:01:28,083 --> 00:01:29,641 ♪ Cities, a change of plans ♪ 26 00:01:29,841 --> 00:01:31,200 ♪ Boy, I came here off Gramps ♪ 27 00:01:31,400 --> 00:01:34,333 ♪ For a dollar, you'll do all this for a dollar? ♪ 28 00:01:34,533 --> 00:01:36,133 ♪ Play, make you think she a scholar ♪ 29 00:01:36,333 --> 00:01:38,367 ♪ Accent like she super proper ♪ 30 00:01:38,567 --> 00:01:39,300 ♪ Lick the swimming pool ♪ 31 00:01:39,500 --> 00:01:41,367 ♪ Make her say, "Fuck all the rules" ♪ 32 00:01:41,567 --> 00:01:43,233 ♪ Don't mind if she get used ♪ 33 00:01:43,433 --> 00:01:45,200 ♪ That poor nigga say, "Fuck school" ♪ 34 00:01:45,400 --> 00:01:46,950 ♪ So I made this foreign type ♪ 35 00:01:47,150 --> 00:01:48,758 ♪ Aw, yeah, now I'm so in tight ♪ 36 00:01:48,958 --> 00:01:50,746 ♪ I said she married to the moola ♪ 37 00:01:50,946 --> 00:01:52,734 ♪ Show some motherfucking rocks ♪ 38 00:01:53,533 --> 00:01:54,400 ♪ Hallelujah ♪ 39 00:01:54,600 --> 00:01:56,117 ♪ This shit legendary ♪ 40 00:01:56,317 --> 00:01:57,858 ♪ Trip like Jason Terry ♪ 41 00:01:58,058 --> 00:01:59,679 ♪ Pussy pink as Katy Perry ♪ 42 00:01:59,879 --> 00:02:01,739 ♪ This shit came from nowhere ♪ 43 00:02:01,939 --> 00:02:03,800 ♪ Drama, please don't go there ♪ 44 00:02:04,000 --> 00:02:04,900 ♪ Pussy Michael Jordan ♪ 45 00:02:05,100 --> 00:02:07,100 ♪ No hair, bald, had no hair. ♪ 46 00:02:14,734 --> 00:02:16,233 Man: You go, Katt! 47 00:02:16,433 --> 00:02:20,266 Is the IE in this bitch this evening? 48 00:02:30,500 --> 00:02:33,000 I had to get here, 49 00:02:33,200 --> 00:02:35,500 'cause there's a lot of shit going on, 50 00:02:35,700 --> 00:02:37,033 not just in the world. 51 00:02:37,233 --> 00:02:39,667 There's a lot of shit going on with me. 52 00:02:41,066 --> 00:02:42,667 I don't know if you checked it out. 53 00:02:42,867 --> 00:02:45,167 I was going through some shit. 54 00:02:45,367 --> 00:02:47,517 They arrested me five times 55 00:02:47,717 --> 00:02:49,867 in five cities in five days. 56 00:02:50,067 --> 00:02:52,300 What the fuck? 57 00:02:52,500 --> 00:02:55,600 Bitch, I am not the international man of mystery. 58 00:02:55,800 --> 00:02:57,467 What the fuck? 59 00:02:57,667 --> 00:02:59,100 They arrested me so much, 60 00:02:59,300 --> 00:03:00,534 soon as I see the police, 61 00:03:00,734 --> 00:03:03,834 my body just automatically assumes the position. 62 00:03:04,034 --> 00:03:05,033 Just... 63 00:03:13,266 --> 00:03:15,466 See how I made the hog-tie available? 64 00:03:15,666 --> 00:03:17,867 'Cause they know I like to fight. 65 00:03:18,067 --> 00:03:19,534 It's fucked up. 66 00:03:19,734 --> 00:03:21,717 I got arrested in a Target. 67 00:03:21,917 --> 00:03:24,092 How the fuck do you go to jail 68 00:03:24,292 --> 00:03:26,467 in an electronics superstore? 69 00:03:28,066 --> 00:03:30,667 A white man at the Target caught me off guard. 70 00:03:30,867 --> 00:03:32,100 He called me a pussy and a nigger 71 00:03:32,300 --> 00:03:35,216 and a pussy and a nigger and a pussy and a nigger. 72 00:03:35,416 --> 00:03:38,333 And I said, "I am not fixing to be one of these." 73 00:03:39,533 --> 00:03:41,700 Bam! "What the fuck did I just do? 74 00:03:41,900 --> 00:03:43,300 What the fuck?" 75 00:03:46,700 --> 00:03:48,633 See, life has a way of sometimes 76 00:03:48,833 --> 00:03:50,567 sending you subtle wake-up calls. 77 00:03:50,767 --> 00:03:53,767 Anytime you are standing next to Suge Knight 78 00:03:53,967 --> 00:03:56,133 and you are the person going to jail, 79 00:03:56,333 --> 00:03:58,500 that is a wake-up call for your ass. 80 00:03:58,700 --> 00:04:01,133 I'm in the pictures like this. 81 00:04:12,100 --> 00:04:13,767 Get my shit together. 82 00:04:13,967 --> 00:04:15,233 It's fucked up. 83 00:04:15,433 --> 00:04:16,500 I said to myself 84 00:04:16,700 --> 00:04:18,450 I don't know what the fuck's going on. 85 00:04:18,650 --> 00:04:20,400 We going to have to figure this shit out. 86 00:04:20,600 --> 00:04:22,667 Used to be if I had some problems, 87 00:04:22,867 --> 00:04:25,734 I could go to my therapist at the weed place. 88 00:04:27,934 --> 00:04:30,150 Yeah, Ontario's still got weed places. 89 00:04:30,350 --> 00:04:32,367 Couple over here. 90 00:04:32,567 --> 00:04:34,133 Couple over here. Couple over here. 91 00:04:34,333 --> 00:04:35,567 I was in LA. 92 00:04:35,767 --> 00:04:38,333 Ain't no weed places in LA. 93 00:04:38,533 --> 00:04:40,700 They got a dispensary. 94 00:04:40,900 --> 00:04:42,834 I don't know what the fuck that shit means, 95 00:04:43,034 --> 00:04:45,233 but I think it means "big as fuck." 96 00:04:45,433 --> 00:04:48,133 You are just in that motherfucker, just... 97 00:04:51,200 --> 00:04:53,400 Why do I have a shopping cart? 98 00:04:55,600 --> 00:04:57,867 I'm just saying you are not supposed to have 99 00:04:58,067 --> 00:05:00,466 500 different types of deliciousness 100 00:05:00,666 --> 00:05:02,866 in the same place at the same time. 101 00:05:03,066 --> 00:05:06,133 Got niggas overdosing from smelling too much weed. 102 00:05:06,333 --> 00:05:08,233 "Mmm, that is blueberry. 103 00:05:08,433 --> 00:05:10,133 That's blueberry for real. 104 00:05:10,333 --> 00:05:13,000 That is fresh as shit right there. 105 00:05:13,200 --> 00:05:14,233 That... white fire? 106 00:05:14,433 --> 00:05:16,567 I ain't never even smelled real fire before. 107 00:05:16,767 --> 00:05:18,167 That is delicious. 108 00:05:18,367 --> 00:05:20,567 Girl Scout cookies? I love them. 109 00:05:20,767 --> 00:05:22,066 Do you have Thin Mints?" 110 00:05:26,000 --> 00:05:27,200 It's fucked up. 111 00:05:27,400 --> 00:05:30,433 And I should have stayed out there where it was safe 112 00:05:30,633 --> 00:05:32,500 with the leafy products, 113 00:05:32,700 --> 00:05:33,667 with the bud, 114 00:05:33,867 --> 00:05:35,433 but they got a room in the back. 115 00:05:35,633 --> 00:05:38,567 That's right. They got a "this shit right here, nigga," 116 00:05:38,767 --> 00:05:41,233 they got one of them rooms in the back. 117 00:05:41,433 --> 00:05:43,966 You got to be careful in that motherfucker. 118 00:05:44,166 --> 00:05:46,700 All they got back there is concentrate, 119 00:05:46,900 --> 00:05:49,033 spackle, sparkle, wax, butter, 120 00:05:49,233 --> 00:05:53,166 dabs, or whatever the fuck you want to call it. 121 00:05:54,200 --> 00:05:55,866 You be thinking to yourself, 122 00:05:56,066 --> 00:05:58,066 "Much motherfucking weed as I done smoked, 123 00:05:58,266 --> 00:06:00,233 I ain't scared of shit. I don't give a fuck 124 00:06:00,433 --> 00:06:02,400 what type of motherfucking weed it is." 125 00:06:02,600 --> 00:06:04,400 That's what you be saying. 126 00:06:04,600 --> 00:06:06,533 Then they come over and put that little thing 127 00:06:06,733 --> 00:06:08,367 on there and walk off, 128 00:06:08,567 --> 00:06:10,633 and you be like, "That little booger right there 129 00:06:10,833 --> 00:06:12,433 can't hurt no-motherfucking-body." 130 00:06:12,633 --> 00:06:14,534 Don't you believe it. 131 00:06:14,734 --> 00:06:18,367 It's like hitting 300 blunts at the same damn time 132 00:06:18,567 --> 00:06:20,133 at the same damn time. 133 00:06:20,333 --> 00:06:23,667 I fucked around and got my high high. 134 00:06:23,867 --> 00:06:27,233 Do you realize how difficult that is to do? 135 00:06:27,433 --> 00:06:30,200 You know when you done got too motherfucking high. 136 00:06:30,400 --> 00:06:34,100 You, "Uh-uh. Uh-uh. Uh-uh. 137 00:06:34,300 --> 00:06:36,167 Uh-uh. 138 00:06:36,367 --> 00:06:37,950 Uh-uh. Fuck that, nigga. 139 00:06:38,150 --> 00:06:39,534 I got too high. Uh-uh. 140 00:06:39,734 --> 00:06:42,450 Fuck you. I saw where the Illuminati live, nigga. 141 00:06:42,650 --> 00:06:45,367 Get me the fuck up out of here. Where's my car?" 142 00:06:48,600 --> 00:06:50,467 Fucked up. 143 00:06:50,667 --> 00:06:54,333 But no matter what the fuck was going on with me, 144 00:06:54,533 --> 00:06:56,533 I couldn't be depressed. 145 00:06:58,033 --> 00:06:59,233 We Americans. 146 00:06:59,433 --> 00:07:01,433 If you motherfucking watch the news, 147 00:07:01,633 --> 00:07:04,433 America don't give a fuck about a tragedy. 148 00:07:04,633 --> 00:07:05,933 We are the shit. 149 00:07:06,133 --> 00:07:07,233 I'm not saying 150 00:07:07,433 --> 00:07:09,100 we the greatest country in the world... 151 00:07:09,300 --> 00:07:10,600 Man: Yes, we is! 152 00:07:10,800 --> 00:07:13,867 ...but we the greatest country in the world, 153 00:07:14,067 --> 00:07:16,150 and everybody knows it. 154 00:07:16,350 --> 00:07:18,433 Not because we're better. 155 00:07:18,633 --> 00:07:20,033 Not because of that. 156 00:07:20,233 --> 00:07:22,834 Tragedy happens to everybody. 157 00:07:23,034 --> 00:07:24,567 But as Americans, 158 00:07:24,767 --> 00:07:27,050 we don't give a fuck about tragedy. 159 00:07:27,250 --> 00:07:29,533 Our motherfucking motto should be, 160 00:07:29,733 --> 00:07:31,534 "Fuck outta here." 161 00:07:31,734 --> 00:07:33,233 Soon as we get a tragedy, 162 00:07:33,433 --> 00:07:36,133 we, "Fuck outta here. That's our shit. 163 00:07:36,333 --> 00:07:39,000 Fuck outta here. That's..." 164 00:07:39,200 --> 00:07:41,066 So proud of America. 165 00:07:41,266 --> 00:07:42,933 First time we saw it 166 00:07:43,133 --> 00:07:45,400 was the Oklahoma City tornado. 167 00:07:46,533 --> 00:07:48,666 I ain't never seen no shit like that. 168 00:07:48,866 --> 00:07:50,683 That changed my motherfucking life. 169 00:07:50,883 --> 00:07:52,700 I don't give a fuck what's going on. 170 00:07:52,900 --> 00:07:53,866 It's your house. 171 00:07:54,066 --> 00:07:56,266 Nothing is worse than getting to your house 172 00:07:56,466 --> 00:07:59,600 and your house is not there anymore. 173 00:07:59,800 --> 00:08:01,867 Your GPS keeps saying, 174 00:08:02,067 --> 00:08:03,867 "You are here." 175 00:08:07,533 --> 00:08:10,266 "Bullshit. I left a house in this bitch. 176 00:08:10,466 --> 00:08:13,300 I remember that shit specifically." 177 00:08:13,500 --> 00:08:15,933 That's some fucked-up shit. 178 00:08:16,133 --> 00:08:18,834 How the fuck do that feel for you to wake up 179 00:08:19,034 --> 00:08:20,866 and your whole city be gone? 180 00:08:21,066 --> 00:08:23,867 Like you done missed the Rapture or some shit. 181 00:08:24,067 --> 00:08:25,500 You just wake up to... 182 00:08:30,934 --> 00:08:33,266 "Jesus, you couldn't have woke a nigga up?" 183 00:08:38,967 --> 00:08:40,300 It's fucked up. 184 00:08:40,500 --> 00:08:42,867 'Cause black people know we ain't ready for that shit. 185 00:08:43,067 --> 00:08:44,867 We just figured out what to do 186 00:08:45,067 --> 00:08:47,233 in case of eviction. 187 00:08:47,433 --> 00:08:49,633 We just figured out if the police show up, 188 00:08:49,833 --> 00:08:51,516 act like they on your side, just, 189 00:08:51,716 --> 00:08:53,400 "Thank God you showed up, Officer. 190 00:08:55,133 --> 00:08:56,634 Could you hold that microwave? 191 00:08:56,834 --> 00:08:58,867 Thank you so much. Kids, get on out of here 192 00:08:59,067 --> 00:09:01,734 and let this officer help us." 193 00:09:07,667 --> 00:09:09,333 It don't matter, though. 194 00:09:10,767 --> 00:09:12,734 As America, we too gangster. 195 00:09:12,934 --> 00:09:14,100 We don't care. 196 00:09:14,300 --> 00:09:16,033 America is too motherfucking gangster. 197 00:09:16,233 --> 00:09:19,000 And it don't take a whole bunch of Americans 198 00:09:19,200 --> 00:09:20,767 to represent America neither. 199 00:09:20,967 --> 00:09:23,967 It can be one white woman in a field 200 00:09:24,167 --> 00:09:26,600 by herself, missing teeth... 201 00:09:28,333 --> 00:09:31,333 and she can represent America just fine. 202 00:09:31,533 --> 00:09:33,699 They'll be right in the field, 203 00:09:33,899 --> 00:09:36,416 just, "Ma'am, a tornado just came 204 00:09:36,616 --> 00:09:39,133 and tore down your whole city. 205 00:09:39,333 --> 00:09:41,834 What are you going to do?" 206 00:09:48,967 --> 00:09:52,100 "We going to fucking rebuild. 207 00:09:54,734 --> 00:09:56,600 I was goddamn born here. 208 00:09:56,800 --> 00:09:58,867 I'm going to goddamn die here." 209 00:09:59,067 --> 00:10:01,800 Some American shit. 210 00:10:02,000 --> 00:10:03,966 Why is America that strong? 211 00:10:04,166 --> 00:10:07,166 'Cause of all of us that's in the room tonight. 212 00:10:07,366 --> 00:10:09,966 Not because white people are better 213 00:10:10,166 --> 00:10:13,233 or Hispanics are better, because blacks are better. 214 00:10:13,433 --> 00:10:14,700 No, nobody. 215 00:10:14,900 --> 00:10:16,734 We all are the same. 216 00:10:16,934 --> 00:10:20,400 That's what... 217 00:10:22,367 --> 00:10:25,667 That's what makes us different 218 00:10:25,867 --> 00:10:27,650 is that we the same. 219 00:10:27,850 --> 00:10:29,633 That's why we different. 220 00:10:31,500 --> 00:10:34,200 It's the reason why we the same. 221 00:10:34,400 --> 00:10:35,767 It's 'cause we different. 222 00:10:35,967 --> 00:10:38,500 For white people, I don't know how to explain it to you, 223 00:10:38,700 --> 00:10:40,166 but for niggas, same difference. 224 00:10:42,066 --> 00:10:44,800 Just saying we all need each other. 225 00:10:45,000 --> 00:10:47,734 Life is already too fucked up as it is 226 00:10:47,934 --> 00:10:49,767 for you to be hating somebody 227 00:10:49,967 --> 00:10:52,066 'cause of what the fuck they look like. 228 00:10:52,266 --> 00:10:53,734 You don't have to do that. 229 00:10:53,934 --> 00:10:55,467 You... no, no. 230 00:10:55,667 --> 00:10:58,533 You could hate somebody 'cause they ain't shit. 231 00:11:00,667 --> 00:11:03,250 See how that's not racist at all? 232 00:11:03,450 --> 00:11:05,833 "Fuck you, 'cause you ain't shit." 233 00:11:06,033 --> 00:11:08,633 That has no color attached to it at all. 234 00:11:10,867 --> 00:11:12,767 Reason I say that 235 00:11:12,967 --> 00:11:14,634 is because if we really are 236 00:11:14,834 --> 00:11:16,834 the greatest country in the world, 237 00:11:17,034 --> 00:11:18,033 then we need to decide 238 00:11:18,233 --> 00:11:20,600 that we going to get rid of racism 239 00:11:20,800 --> 00:11:22,800 if possible in 2014 240 00:11:23,000 --> 00:11:25,200 while we have the opportunity. 241 00:11:30,433 --> 00:11:32,400 Just saying we all need each other. 242 00:11:33,900 --> 00:11:38,367 The new racists don't even hate on minorities. 243 00:11:38,567 --> 00:11:41,166 They just hate the ones they can beat. 244 00:11:43,567 --> 00:11:44,800 That's why they ain't mad 245 00:11:45,000 --> 00:11:48,033 at no big, swollen black nigga with dreads and shit. 246 00:11:48,233 --> 00:11:50,800 They ain't fucking none of them up at all. 247 00:11:51,000 --> 00:11:54,033 It's always some 17-year-old light-skinned nigga 248 00:11:54,233 --> 00:11:56,867 that look like he just had a backpack on 249 00:11:57,067 --> 00:11:59,033 and got a belly full of Yoo-hoo, 250 00:11:59,233 --> 00:12:00,500 and he end up dead. 251 00:12:00,700 --> 00:12:02,534 I keep saying, praise Jesus, 252 00:12:02,734 --> 00:12:05,433 let one of these racists run up on me 253 00:12:05,633 --> 00:12:08,183 at a gas station, bless God, 254 00:12:08,383 --> 00:12:11,075 and tell me my music is too loud 255 00:12:11,275 --> 00:12:13,967 and see if I don't shut off music 256 00:12:14,167 --> 00:12:16,033 for the both of us. 257 00:12:17,533 --> 00:12:19,266 Blaat! 258 00:12:20,867 --> 00:12:23,900 Fuck is you shooting niggas for in the backseat? 259 00:12:24,100 --> 00:12:26,133 They can't even reach the radio. 260 00:12:29,233 --> 00:12:30,900 Racists ain't shit. 261 00:12:31,100 --> 00:12:32,616 We all need each other. 262 00:12:32,816 --> 00:12:34,133 Fuck the dumb shit. 263 00:12:34,333 --> 00:12:36,033 Everybody's life is too hard. 264 00:12:37,266 --> 00:12:40,200 Minorities, our life is already fucked up. 265 00:12:40,400 --> 00:12:41,400 Tell the fucking truth. 266 00:12:41,600 --> 00:12:43,433 Not to say, white people, y'all's ain't fucked up, 267 00:12:43,633 --> 00:12:46,934 but y'all's fucked up and our fucked up... 268 00:12:49,367 --> 00:12:51,967 two separate cadences. 269 00:12:53,100 --> 00:12:54,633 For white people, this is fucked up. 270 00:12:54,833 --> 00:12:56,100 Good, good, good, good, 271 00:12:56,300 --> 00:12:57,567 good, good, good, fucked up, 272 00:12:57,767 --> 00:13:00,500 good, good, good, good, good, good, 273 00:13:00,700 --> 00:13:01,734 good, fucked up. 274 00:13:01,934 --> 00:13:04,233 For a nigga, it's a whole different cadence. 275 00:13:04,433 --> 00:13:05,200 It's just... 276 00:13:05,400 --> 00:13:08,767 ♪ Fucked up, fucked up, fucked up, fucked up ♪ 277 00:13:08,967 --> 00:13:09,833 ♪ Fucked up, fucked up, fuck... ♪ 278 00:13:10,033 --> 00:13:11,667 Have you double-Dutching in your own shit. 279 00:13:19,133 --> 00:13:21,916 We all need each other is my point. 280 00:13:22,116 --> 00:13:24,900 The racists done got out of control. 281 00:13:25,100 --> 00:13:26,233 These motherfuckers got time 282 00:13:26,433 --> 00:13:29,166 to be mad at breakfast commercials. 283 00:13:29,366 --> 00:13:31,167 What the fuck? 284 00:13:31,367 --> 00:13:34,367 When did a racist care about a balanced breakfast? 285 00:13:34,567 --> 00:13:37,367 These racists mad at Cheerio commercials. 286 00:13:37,567 --> 00:13:40,167 I was mad at the Cheerio commercial too, 287 00:13:40,367 --> 00:13:43,333 but I was mad for a completely nonracist reason. 288 00:13:43,533 --> 00:13:45,133 I was mad that a white woman 289 00:13:45,333 --> 00:13:47,133 and a black man would get together 290 00:13:47,333 --> 00:13:49,800 and feed their baby Cheerios. 291 00:13:50,000 --> 00:13:52,267 That don't have no flavor at all. 292 00:13:52,467 --> 00:13:54,200 You couldn't have gave the little nigga 293 00:13:54,400 --> 00:13:57,383 some Count Chocula or Cocoa Puffs or something, 294 00:13:57,583 --> 00:14:00,567 told her about her heritage, for crying out loud? 295 00:14:03,533 --> 00:14:05,767 Just saying the racists is getting out of control. 296 00:14:07,400 --> 00:14:09,783 These motherfuckers got mad at me 297 00:14:09,983 --> 00:14:12,367 'cause I wasn't mad at Paula Deen. 298 00:14:12,567 --> 00:14:15,216 What the fuck, motherfucker? 299 00:14:15,416 --> 00:14:17,866 I can't be mad at everybody. 300 00:14:18,066 --> 00:14:20,916 Have you not seen my life, motherfucker? 301 00:14:21,116 --> 00:14:23,967 Did you think I was fixing to judge for... 302 00:14:24,167 --> 00:14:25,467 I'm on my... 303 00:14:25,667 --> 00:14:28,066 I'm on my fifth second chance right now. 304 00:14:28,266 --> 00:14:30,100 What did you... 305 00:14:30,300 --> 00:14:33,200 what did you think I was going to say? 306 00:14:35,934 --> 00:14:39,000 First of all, I can't even really be mad at her, 307 00:14:39,200 --> 00:14:41,133 'cause I'm a fan. 308 00:14:41,333 --> 00:14:43,833 I done seen what this bitch can do 309 00:14:44,033 --> 00:14:48,033 with 45 minutes and 12 sticks of butter. 310 00:14:48,233 --> 00:14:50,367 You ain't just fixing to tell me 311 00:14:50,567 --> 00:14:52,367 what the fuck she said. 312 00:14:52,567 --> 00:14:54,066 I ain't saying she didn't say it. 313 00:14:54,266 --> 00:14:57,000 I'm saying I would like to hear the context... 314 00:14:59,066 --> 00:15:00,400 in which she said it. 315 00:15:00,600 --> 00:15:02,167 It might have been all right. 316 00:15:02,367 --> 00:15:05,633 She might have said, "Hurry up with them niggas' chicken." 317 00:15:13,066 --> 00:15:16,467 "Don't make niggas wait all day on pork chops." 318 00:15:23,767 --> 00:15:26,533 Just saying we all need to be able to laugh. 319 00:15:26,733 --> 00:15:28,283 Fuck the dumb shit. 320 00:15:28,483 --> 00:15:29,833 I got white heroes. 321 00:15:30,033 --> 00:15:31,634 One of my motherfucking white heroes 322 00:15:31,834 --> 00:15:34,266 is that white lady that tried to swim the English Channel. 323 00:15:34,466 --> 00:15:36,533 That bitch is my motherfucking hero. 324 00:15:36,733 --> 00:15:38,800 This bitch is trying to swim an ocean 325 00:15:39,000 --> 00:15:41,900 by her motherfucking self. 326 00:15:42,100 --> 00:15:44,950 One white woman in the ocean 327 00:15:45,150 --> 00:15:48,000 by her motherfucking self 328 00:15:48,200 --> 00:15:50,100 with sharks and... 329 00:15:52,567 --> 00:15:54,883 whatever the fuck is in there, 330 00:15:55,083 --> 00:15:57,400 dolphins and porpoises and shit. 331 00:16:01,467 --> 00:16:04,133 And that's not the part, minorities. 332 00:16:04,333 --> 00:16:06,300 It ain't that this white woman 333 00:16:06,500 --> 00:16:08,467 is swimming this ocean by herself. 334 00:16:08,667 --> 00:16:10,533 It's not that. 335 00:16:10,733 --> 00:16:12,600 She is swimming... 336 00:16:12,800 --> 00:16:15,233 for free. 337 00:16:15,433 --> 00:16:17,933 They not giving this bitch shit! 338 00:16:18,133 --> 00:16:20,633 She don't get a prize, a Prius, 339 00:16:20,833 --> 00:16:22,266 a ribbon, nothing. 340 00:16:23,533 --> 00:16:25,000 She just in the middle of the ocean 341 00:16:25,200 --> 00:16:27,900 swimming her motherfucking ass off, just... 342 00:16:44,500 --> 00:16:46,700 Meanwhile, you can't get a black woman 343 00:16:46,900 --> 00:16:49,100 to get in the pool at your pool party. 344 00:16:51,266 --> 00:16:53,567 It's this bitch's pool and her pool party. 345 00:16:53,767 --> 00:16:56,500 She still ain't getting in. 346 00:16:56,700 --> 00:16:59,433 This white woman got stung 347 00:16:59,633 --> 00:17:02,116 176 times 348 00:17:02,316 --> 00:17:04,525 by jellyfish. 349 00:17:04,725 --> 00:17:06,734 What the... 350 00:17:06,934 --> 00:17:08,200 when do you stop, ma'am? 351 00:17:08,400 --> 00:17:10,683 When it hits your vagina? Is that when you stop? 352 00:17:10,883 --> 00:17:13,166 When that tags that old clitoris, is that when... 353 00:17:13,366 --> 00:17:14,500 "All right, bitch. Get the boat. 354 00:17:14,700 --> 00:17:16,767 Get the boat. We only got one of those." 355 00:17:20,934 --> 00:17:21,833 Just saying, 356 00:17:22,033 --> 00:17:24,233 we all got to be able to laugh. 357 00:17:24,433 --> 00:17:26,467 It's very important. 358 00:17:26,667 --> 00:17:28,866 Minorities, your life is hard. 359 00:17:29,066 --> 00:17:31,133 Sometimes, you need to be able to just go home, 360 00:17:31,333 --> 00:17:33,567 laugh about some shit for 22 minutes, 361 00:17:33,767 --> 00:17:36,050 and then get back to your shit. 362 00:17:36,250 --> 00:17:38,541 The best part is it's free. 363 00:17:38,741 --> 00:17:40,833 You just got to do the shit. 364 00:17:41,033 --> 00:17:44,066 All right, start off, minorities, 365 00:17:44,266 --> 00:17:46,699 by if you feeling fucked up, 366 00:17:46,899 --> 00:17:49,133 find you a white show to watch 367 00:17:49,333 --> 00:17:51,567 with no niggas on it at all. 368 00:17:54,967 --> 00:17:57,367 I wouldn't tell you this shit if it didn't work. 369 00:17:57,567 --> 00:18:00,633 Two of my motherfucking favorite motherfucking shows, 370 00:18:00,833 --> 00:18:02,934 I'm embarrassed to tell motherfuckers about. 371 00:18:03,134 --> 00:18:04,634 I watch every episode, 372 00:18:04,834 --> 00:18:06,400 but I don't be out in the open. 373 00:18:06,600 --> 00:18:08,567 I shut my curtains and hide and shit, 374 00:18:08,767 --> 00:18:10,400 like "12 Years a Slave," 375 00:18:10,600 --> 00:18:12,834 and don't want no other niggas to see me. 376 00:18:14,033 --> 00:18:16,100 But I watch every episode. 377 00:18:16,300 --> 00:18:17,367 My favorite show 378 00:18:17,567 --> 00:18:19,800 for two years in a motherfucking row 379 00:18:20,000 --> 00:18:22,233 is still motherfucking "Swamp People." 380 00:18:22,433 --> 00:18:24,433 That is my shit. 381 00:18:24,633 --> 00:18:26,200 Oh, my God. 382 00:18:26,400 --> 00:18:28,800 If you have not seen this shit, 383 00:18:29,000 --> 00:18:31,100 you have not lived yet. 384 00:18:31,300 --> 00:18:33,200 It's some beautiful shit. 385 00:18:33,400 --> 00:18:36,067 I think I just like seeing minor... 386 00:18:36,267 --> 00:18:38,734 rednecks in their natural environment, 387 00:18:38,934 --> 00:18:41,433 not killing minorities. I think that's what it is. 388 00:18:42,367 --> 00:18:44,667 I love this shit. 389 00:18:44,867 --> 00:18:47,834 I watch every episode, but I don't know why, 390 00:18:48,034 --> 00:18:50,834 because every episode is exactly... 391 00:18:51,034 --> 00:18:52,800 Audience: The same! 392 00:18:53,000 --> 00:18:55,800 ...like the last goddamn episode. 393 00:18:56,000 --> 00:18:57,633 They don't change shit. 394 00:18:57,833 --> 00:18:59,567 Every episode 395 00:18:59,767 --> 00:19:02,383 start with a man in a boat 396 00:19:02,583 --> 00:19:05,200 going nowhere fast as shit. 397 00:19:05,400 --> 00:19:06,600 He just... 398 00:19:13,033 --> 00:19:14,667 And he's saying some shit 399 00:19:14,867 --> 00:19:17,200 you can't fucking understand. 400 00:19:19,266 --> 00:19:22,266 And then you accidentally understand some of the shit, 401 00:19:22,466 --> 00:19:24,800 and it scares the shit out of you. 402 00:19:25,000 --> 00:19:26,033 He just... 403 00:19:26,233 --> 00:19:28,916 "We got to go out there and get him, boy. 404 00:19:29,116 --> 00:19:31,800 We got to go out there and get him, boy. 405 00:19:32,000 --> 00:19:33,733 We don't go out there and get him, 406 00:19:33,933 --> 00:19:35,667 he ain't going to get hisself." 407 00:19:43,533 --> 00:19:46,249 "Nah, I guess he ain't going to get hisself. 408 00:19:46,449 --> 00:19:49,166 I guess that makes perfectly good sense." 409 00:19:49,366 --> 00:19:51,266 And these white men get out there 410 00:19:51,466 --> 00:19:52,534 in that swamp, 411 00:19:52,734 --> 00:19:54,667 and they are catching 412 00:19:54,867 --> 00:19:58,267 700-, 800-pound alligators. 413 00:19:58,467 --> 00:20:01,433 And that's not the part, minorities. 414 00:20:02,567 --> 00:20:04,867 They are catching these alligators 415 00:20:05,067 --> 00:20:07,534 with their hands! 416 00:20:07,734 --> 00:20:09,100 That's right. Look at the niggas. 417 00:20:09,300 --> 00:20:12,066 Don't even believe me. With their real hands. 418 00:20:12,266 --> 00:20:14,200 Not a weapon. Not a stick. 419 00:20:14,400 --> 00:20:15,467 None of that. 420 00:20:15,667 --> 00:20:18,700 Stick their real hands in the water 421 00:20:18,900 --> 00:20:20,933 to get the alligator. 422 00:20:21,133 --> 00:20:23,400 Black people is at the house, like, 423 00:20:23,600 --> 00:20:25,867 "Don't stick your hand in there! 424 00:20:29,567 --> 00:20:32,767 There's an alligator in that son of a bitch." 425 00:20:34,867 --> 00:20:36,600 But when you see... 426 00:20:38,600 --> 00:20:40,766 you see that white man reach up 427 00:20:40,966 --> 00:20:42,933 out that motherfucking boat, 428 00:20:43,133 --> 00:20:46,100 grab that motherfucking alligator line, 429 00:20:46,300 --> 00:20:47,866 the whole show, just... 430 00:20:48,066 --> 00:20:49,549 "Shoot him, Billy Bob! Shoot him! 431 00:20:49,749 --> 00:20:51,233 Shoot him! Shoot him, Billy Bob! 432 00:20:51,433 --> 00:20:52,467 Shoot him! Shoot him! 433 00:20:52,667 --> 00:20:54,800 Shoot him, Billy Bob! Shoot him! Shoot him! 434 00:20:55,000 --> 00:20:56,466 Shoot him, Billy Bob! Shoot him! 435 00:20:56,666 --> 00:20:58,133 Shoot him! Shoot him, Billy Bob! 436 00:20:58,333 --> 00:20:58,866 Shoot him! Shoot..." 437 00:20:59,066 --> 00:21:01,233 Then the whole show just flips. 438 00:21:01,433 --> 00:21:03,416 Now they showing it from underwater, 439 00:21:03,616 --> 00:21:05,400 and it's muddy and bubbling and shit, 440 00:21:05,600 --> 00:21:08,800 like the alligator has a camera on his head. 441 00:21:10,800 --> 00:21:12,400 And he's in the show too. 442 00:21:12,600 --> 00:21:15,233 And then they cut to commercial. 443 00:21:15,433 --> 00:21:16,300 Every time, I say, 444 00:21:16,500 --> 00:21:18,400 "I will not be here when you get back." 445 00:21:18,600 --> 00:21:21,934 Just saying, we all need to be able to laugh. 446 00:21:22,134 --> 00:21:23,933 So for my white friends, 447 00:21:24,133 --> 00:21:26,433 here's something black you can laugh at. 448 00:21:26,633 --> 00:21:29,167 I've done the research. 449 00:21:29,367 --> 00:21:33,066 I'm pretty sure there's no coonery in there anywhere. 450 00:21:33,266 --> 00:21:35,233 I just know every time I see the shit, 451 00:21:35,433 --> 00:21:36,800 I fall on the ground laughing, 452 00:21:37,000 --> 00:21:38,567 almost pee myself. 453 00:21:38,767 --> 00:21:41,834 Okay, may be the funniest shit I ever seen. 454 00:21:42,034 --> 00:21:43,267 There is a commercial 455 00:21:43,467 --> 00:21:45,467 starring a nigga named Mutombo. 456 00:21:45,667 --> 00:21:47,467 Now... 457 00:21:47,667 --> 00:21:49,933 if you have not seen this commercial, 458 00:21:50,133 --> 00:21:52,633 you have not lived yet. Let me say that. 459 00:21:52,833 --> 00:21:55,333 Now, if you don't know who Mutombo is, 460 00:21:55,533 --> 00:21:58,333 he used to play basketball, 461 00:21:58,533 --> 00:22:00,033 played for the NBA, 462 00:22:00,233 --> 00:22:03,066 maybe, like, in 1979 or some shit like that, 463 00:22:03,266 --> 00:22:05,667 but he was one of the greatest, 464 00:22:05,867 --> 00:22:07,333 known for blocking shots. 465 00:22:07,533 --> 00:22:08,900 That was his shit. 466 00:22:09,100 --> 00:22:11,900 Now they got this nigga just randomly running 467 00:22:12,100 --> 00:22:14,367 through white people's workplace, 468 00:22:14,567 --> 00:22:16,734 just randomly knocking shit out the air 469 00:22:16,934 --> 00:22:18,850 for no reason at all. 470 00:22:19,050 --> 00:22:20,967 Just, "No, no, no." 471 00:22:23,800 --> 00:22:25,633 What the fuck is that shit? 472 00:22:25,833 --> 00:22:27,266 "No, no, no." 473 00:22:31,633 --> 00:22:34,300 Every time I see that shit, I almost pee myself. 474 00:22:36,567 --> 00:22:37,933 Many times I been arrested, 475 00:22:38,133 --> 00:22:40,300 that might be the only thing I haven't tried. 476 00:22:41,734 --> 00:22:42,966 Stay tuned to TMZ. 477 00:22:43,166 --> 00:22:45,366 If I get pulled over one more motherfucking time, 478 00:22:45,566 --> 00:22:47,767 that's how the fuck I'm getting out of my car, 479 00:22:47,967 --> 00:22:49,300 just, "No, no, no." 480 00:22:55,567 --> 00:22:57,600 "We already did this shit." 481 00:22:58,867 --> 00:23:01,967 Just saying, all got to be able to laugh. 482 00:23:02,167 --> 00:23:04,266 Motherfuckers thought that because 483 00:23:04,466 --> 00:23:06,133 I was raised homophobic, 484 00:23:06,333 --> 00:23:09,300 that might have meant I was homophobic. 485 00:23:09,500 --> 00:23:10,834 Wait a minute, motherfucker. 486 00:23:11,034 --> 00:23:13,634 Don't speak for me. 487 00:23:13,834 --> 00:23:16,433 I could tell you how the fuck I feel. 488 00:23:16,633 --> 00:23:19,100 Just 'cause I got an opinion don't mean shit. 489 00:23:19,300 --> 00:23:21,000 At the end of the motherfucking day, 490 00:23:21,200 --> 00:23:23,150 I thought we was talking about rights, 491 00:23:23,350 --> 00:23:25,100 and I thought they was human rights. 492 00:23:25,300 --> 00:23:28,300 I think they human rights, so if you a human, 493 00:23:28,500 --> 00:23:31,517 you deserve your motherfucking rights. 494 00:23:31,717 --> 00:23:34,734 The reason for that is I don't give a fuck 495 00:23:34,934 --> 00:23:37,533 what you are doing in your life, 496 00:23:37,733 --> 00:23:39,567 'cause I'm too busy doing 497 00:23:39,767 --> 00:23:43,333 what the fuck I'm doing in my life. 498 00:23:43,533 --> 00:23:45,249 End quote. 499 00:23:45,449 --> 00:23:46,966 Yes, yes. 500 00:23:47,166 --> 00:23:50,900 Now, now, people thought 501 00:23:51,100 --> 00:23:54,734 that because I might have an opinion, 502 00:23:54,934 --> 00:23:57,100 that meant I was homophobic. 503 00:23:57,300 --> 00:23:58,133 No, no, no, no. 504 00:23:58,333 --> 00:24:00,567 Let me say... let me say publicly... 505 00:24:00,767 --> 00:24:02,800 let me say very publicly 506 00:24:03,000 --> 00:24:05,867 if there was a dude and I had some shit to say, 507 00:24:06,067 --> 00:24:08,934 that's not because I was homophobic, motherfucker. 508 00:24:09,134 --> 00:24:10,533 I'm not homophobic. 509 00:24:10,733 --> 00:24:11,833 I'm pro-pussy. 510 00:24:12,033 --> 00:24:13,500 There is a difference. 511 00:24:13,700 --> 00:24:16,767 I think you need to understand, I... 512 00:24:16,967 --> 00:24:18,933 I was trying to help. 513 00:24:19,133 --> 00:24:21,133 I wasn't coming from a place of hate. 514 00:24:21,333 --> 00:24:24,033 I thought some of them had made a mistake. 515 00:24:24,233 --> 00:24:26,133 I'm saying, if you try a vagina 516 00:24:26,333 --> 00:24:29,000 and it leads you to a life of asshole, 517 00:24:29,200 --> 00:24:31,233 wait a minute. 518 00:24:31,433 --> 00:24:33,633 If at first you don't succeed, sir, 519 00:24:33,833 --> 00:24:35,083 try, try again. 520 00:24:35,283 --> 00:24:36,333 What the... 521 00:24:36,533 --> 00:24:38,900 you must have got the wrong vagina. 522 00:24:39,100 --> 00:24:40,800 They are delicious. 523 00:24:42,266 --> 00:24:43,500 You should try another one. 524 00:24:43,700 --> 00:24:46,266 All of them are delicious, I think. 525 00:24:49,166 --> 00:24:50,900 But I realized... 526 00:24:51,100 --> 00:24:54,133 I realized it was a contradiction... 527 00:24:55,734 --> 00:24:58,800 because if you ask me about gay dudes, 528 00:24:59,000 --> 00:25:00,333 I have some shit to say, 529 00:25:00,533 --> 00:25:02,033 but if you ask me about lesbians, 530 00:25:02,233 --> 00:25:04,700 I don't have shit to say about lesbians. 531 00:25:04,900 --> 00:25:07,967 I've already had this conversation with Jesus. 532 00:25:08,167 --> 00:25:09,500 He know I love lesbians. 533 00:25:09,700 --> 00:25:11,900 I don't even think lesbians should pay taxes. 534 00:25:12,100 --> 00:25:13,066 I really don't. 535 00:25:13,266 --> 00:25:17,333 I think they are already taking care of two vaginas. 536 00:25:21,400 --> 00:25:22,400 Just saying. 537 00:25:22,600 --> 00:25:25,250 We can't afford to be judging all the time. 538 00:25:25,450 --> 00:25:27,900 Our life is too motherfucking hard as it is. 539 00:25:28,100 --> 00:25:31,100 You got to be able to just laugh some shit the fuck off. 540 00:25:31,300 --> 00:25:34,017 I just don't like when they try 541 00:25:34,217 --> 00:25:36,934 to force shit down our throats. 542 00:25:37,134 --> 00:25:39,433 Had Jason Collins come out 543 00:25:39,633 --> 00:25:42,667 as the first openly gay basketball player. 544 00:25:42,867 --> 00:25:44,634 That's fine and all, 545 00:25:44,834 --> 00:25:48,500 but, nigga, you can't suck at both things. 546 00:25:56,400 --> 00:25:57,833 I said we didn't know you was gay, 547 00:25:58,033 --> 00:26:00,667 and we didn't know you was a basketball player, nigga. 548 00:26:00,867 --> 00:26:01,866 What the fuck? 549 00:26:02,066 --> 00:26:05,133 This nigga averaged 0.3 points a game. 550 00:26:05,333 --> 00:26:07,734 We do that shit from the house. 551 00:26:11,433 --> 00:26:12,667 How the fuck he going to be 552 00:26:12,867 --> 00:26:15,467 the first openly gay basketball player? 553 00:26:15,667 --> 00:26:17,983 Am I the only motherfucker in here 554 00:26:18,183 --> 00:26:20,500 old enough to remember Dennis Rodman? 555 00:26:20,700 --> 00:26:21,833 What the fuck was that shit? 556 00:26:22,033 --> 00:26:25,066 That was the first gay basketball player. 557 00:26:25,266 --> 00:26:26,966 Get the fuck out of here. 558 00:26:27,166 --> 00:26:29,633 I watched that nigga get 38 rebounds 559 00:26:29,833 --> 00:26:32,033 in foundation, mascara, 560 00:26:32,233 --> 00:26:34,450 eyeliner, eyelashes, 561 00:26:34,650 --> 00:26:36,867 lip gloss, Chap Stick, 562 00:26:37,067 --> 00:26:39,233 lipstick, rouge. 563 00:26:42,400 --> 00:26:43,850 That nigga's the master 564 00:26:44,050 --> 00:26:45,500 of the all-ass defense. 565 00:26:45,700 --> 00:26:47,133 He just... 566 00:26:49,500 --> 00:26:50,833 "You want this rebound, 567 00:26:51,033 --> 00:26:52,867 you going to have to touch my penis." 568 00:26:54,300 --> 00:26:56,333 "No, no, no." 569 00:27:00,967 --> 00:27:03,433 Sometimes you just got to be able to laugh. 570 00:27:03,633 --> 00:27:05,734 They had Michael Sam come out. 571 00:27:05,934 --> 00:27:08,000 He fixing to be 572 00:27:08,200 --> 00:27:10,600 first gay NFL player. 573 00:27:10,800 --> 00:27:12,750 And when that shit came out, 574 00:27:12,950 --> 00:27:14,900 everybody had an opinion. 575 00:27:15,100 --> 00:27:16,433 He was right here, 576 00:27:16,633 --> 00:27:18,666 and everybody over there had an opinion, 577 00:27:18,866 --> 00:27:20,900 and everybody over there had an opinion, 578 00:27:21,100 --> 00:27:23,967 but nobody's opinion was solid. 579 00:27:24,167 --> 00:27:25,367 They go up to the player, 580 00:27:25,567 --> 00:27:29,500 "Do you care that your teammate is gay?" 581 00:27:31,033 --> 00:27:33,150 "Hell, no. I don't care 582 00:27:33,350 --> 00:27:35,267 what he chooses to do 583 00:27:35,467 --> 00:27:37,417 with his own personal life. 584 00:27:37,617 --> 00:27:39,542 As long as he comes in here 585 00:27:39,742 --> 00:27:41,621 ready to win championships 586 00:27:41,821 --> 00:27:43,594 and knows the playbook, 587 00:27:43,794 --> 00:27:45,567 then we have a teammate." 588 00:27:47,033 --> 00:27:50,533 "You mean, you don't mind sharing a shower with him?" 589 00:27:56,533 --> 00:27:58,033 "I can shower at the house. 590 00:27:58,233 --> 00:27:59,966 It ain't that big a deal, I'm saying. 591 00:28:00,166 --> 00:28:03,533 I'm generally fresher than a motherfucker anyway." 592 00:28:05,600 --> 00:28:09,266 Just saying, can't make judgment all the time. 593 00:28:09,466 --> 00:28:11,467 Sometimes you got to be able to laugh. 594 00:28:11,667 --> 00:28:14,100 I don't have to be motherfucking political. 595 00:28:14,300 --> 00:28:15,766 I don't play football. 596 00:28:15,966 --> 00:28:17,233 I'm a football fan. 597 00:28:17,433 --> 00:28:19,767 I ain't in charge of the NFL. 598 00:28:19,967 --> 00:28:21,433 I love the NFL. 599 00:28:21,633 --> 00:28:23,799 I love to see football games. 600 00:28:23,999 --> 00:28:25,966 And as a fan, let me just say, 601 00:28:26,166 --> 00:28:28,783 it's going to be some exciting shit 602 00:28:28,983 --> 00:28:31,600 when the first gay motherfucker 603 00:28:31,800 --> 00:28:32,966 walk on the field, 604 00:28:33,166 --> 00:28:35,467 and all of y'all think it's going to be regular. 605 00:28:35,667 --> 00:28:36,667 No, the fuck it ain't. 606 00:28:36,867 --> 00:28:41,100 No, it's going to be some exciting shit. 607 00:28:42,266 --> 00:28:46,600 You think you been tackled before, nigga? 608 00:28:52,133 --> 00:28:56,367 You think you been sacked before, nigga? 609 00:28:57,433 --> 00:29:00,149 I bet you ain't never been sacked 610 00:29:00,349 --> 00:29:03,066 till you get sacked by a 6'8", 611 00:29:03,266 --> 00:29:05,467 285-pound nigga 612 00:29:05,667 --> 00:29:08,667 that was looking at your ass anyway. 613 00:29:10,567 --> 00:29:12,100 He's just on the line, just... 614 00:29:20,200 --> 00:29:22,167 Blue 42! 615 00:29:22,367 --> 00:29:25,533 That nigga's gonna sack you with love in his heart. 616 00:29:32,066 --> 00:29:34,800 "I'm down. I'm down. I'm down." 617 00:29:52,133 --> 00:29:55,567 We have a big dick malfunction. 618 00:29:59,233 --> 00:30:02,833 So anyway, I want to come out and finish, but... 619 00:30:03,033 --> 00:30:06,633 all of my nuts are out of these pants right now. 620 00:30:08,600 --> 00:30:10,166 Don't worry. I ain't went nowhere. 621 00:30:10,366 --> 00:30:12,000 I'm just noticing 622 00:30:12,200 --> 00:30:15,967 my whole testicles sac is... 623 00:30:20,367 --> 00:30:23,600 I'm going to try to just do the jokes from right here. 624 00:30:33,233 --> 00:30:35,900 I couldn't see the screen this whole time. 625 00:30:36,100 --> 00:30:38,767 Ladies, where are y'all at? Make some noise. 626 00:30:43,066 --> 00:30:45,400 You motherfuckers ain't shit. 627 00:30:45,600 --> 00:30:47,800 Y'all ladies talking about you love me, 628 00:30:48,000 --> 00:30:50,150 and you didn't tell me my motherfucking perm 629 00:30:50,350 --> 00:30:52,500 had left the building 20 fucking minutes ago? 630 00:30:52,700 --> 00:30:54,400 You didn't say shit? 631 00:30:54,600 --> 00:30:56,866 I looked up there and thought I saw 632 00:30:57,066 --> 00:30:58,966 El DeBarge and Rick Fox walking up 633 00:30:59,166 --> 00:31:01,066 while I'm trying to talk this shit. 634 00:31:06,467 --> 00:31:09,467 I'll be right back. Give me 30 seconds. 635 00:31:16,266 --> 00:31:18,200 Sorry about that. 636 00:31:19,734 --> 00:31:21,600 I tried to run back there and change pants 637 00:31:21,800 --> 00:31:23,834 and forgot the lion was out there. 638 00:31:25,467 --> 00:31:27,166 I ran right up on that motherfucker. 639 00:31:29,934 --> 00:31:32,133 Fuck them pants. Fuck that. I can... 640 00:31:32,333 --> 00:31:33,600 I was talking about we all 641 00:31:33,800 --> 00:31:36,200 got to be able to laugh at the end of the day, 642 00:31:36,400 --> 00:31:38,800 and I talked about the homosexuals and shit, 643 00:31:39,000 --> 00:31:40,600 because it's a big motherfucking deal, 644 00:31:40,800 --> 00:31:42,416 and things ain't like they used to be. 645 00:31:42,616 --> 00:31:44,233 Used to be if we had big questions, 646 00:31:44,433 --> 00:31:45,916 there was places we could go 647 00:31:46,116 --> 00:31:48,008 and get our questions answered. 648 00:31:48,208 --> 00:31:49,900 But things done changed now. 649 00:31:50,100 --> 00:31:51,700 If you want to know some answers, 650 00:31:51,900 --> 00:31:53,300 you got to find 'em out yourself. 651 00:31:53,500 --> 00:31:56,066 I don't know if y'all been to church recently, 652 00:31:56,266 --> 00:32:00,133 but church is not answering any questions 653 00:32:00,333 --> 00:32:01,500 about anything 654 00:32:01,700 --> 00:32:03,900 at this particular time. 655 00:32:04,100 --> 00:32:05,516 I ain't talking about white church. 656 00:32:05,716 --> 00:32:07,133 I ain't talking about black church. 657 00:32:07,333 --> 00:32:08,633 I'm talking about church. 658 00:32:08,833 --> 00:32:10,634 Church, as official, 659 00:32:10,834 --> 00:32:14,000 has said you can feel free to come in 660 00:32:14,200 --> 00:32:17,367 and praise and worship all you like, 661 00:32:17,567 --> 00:32:19,367 and by all means, 662 00:32:19,567 --> 00:32:22,100 pay your motherfucking tithes, 663 00:32:22,300 --> 00:32:25,716 but if you have any questions for Jesus, 664 00:32:25,916 --> 00:32:29,333 you should ask him in the parking lot 665 00:32:29,533 --> 00:32:32,100 on the way to your house. 666 00:32:32,300 --> 00:32:35,000 You going to have to figure this shit out yourself. 667 00:32:35,200 --> 00:32:36,933 White church, 668 00:32:37,133 --> 00:32:39,667 we thought they was fixing to answer some questions 669 00:32:39,867 --> 00:32:42,100 about the Catholic scandal. 670 00:32:42,300 --> 00:32:43,367 They ain't answered 671 00:32:43,567 --> 00:32:46,100 no motherfucking questions at all. 672 00:32:46,300 --> 00:32:47,333 Kind of fucked up. 673 00:32:47,533 --> 00:32:49,867 I was getting ready to say something about 'em, 674 00:32:50,067 --> 00:32:51,600 and then they switched their shit up. 675 00:32:51,800 --> 00:32:53,500 Have you seen the new Pope? 676 00:32:53,700 --> 00:32:56,667 This motherfucker ain't like the rest of the Popes. 677 00:32:56,867 --> 00:32:59,066 This motherfucker is special. 678 00:32:59,266 --> 00:33:01,967 This motherfucker is almost a nigga. 679 00:33:04,000 --> 00:33:06,450 He say some shit you ain't expecting 680 00:33:06,650 --> 00:33:08,900 and then just walk the fuck off. 681 00:33:09,100 --> 00:33:11,367 They asked the new Pope. They was like, 682 00:33:11,567 --> 00:33:12,633 "New Pope... 683 00:33:18,200 --> 00:33:22,033 ...New Pope, what do you think about homosexuals?" 684 00:33:22,233 --> 00:33:23,600 New Pope said, 685 00:33:23,800 --> 00:33:26,000 "Who am I to judge?" 686 00:33:31,734 --> 00:33:34,500 Ah, that was some gangster shit. 687 00:33:34,700 --> 00:33:36,267 I'm glad to see a Pope 688 00:33:36,467 --> 00:33:38,567 that don't look like he ready to die. 689 00:33:40,000 --> 00:33:41,300 Shit done changed. 690 00:33:41,500 --> 00:33:43,433 They had a Pope that quit. 691 00:33:43,633 --> 00:33:44,700 What the fuck? 692 00:33:44,900 --> 00:33:46,500 How do you call in for work, 693 00:33:46,700 --> 00:33:48,367 and you work for Jesus? 694 00:33:49,633 --> 00:33:51,767 "Yeah, Jesus, I'm not even going to be able 695 00:33:51,967 --> 00:33:53,233 to make it today. 696 00:33:53,433 --> 00:33:55,733 Nah, Jesus, it's 10:15 traffic. 697 00:33:55,933 --> 00:33:58,233 I was not expecting this, Jesus." 698 00:34:01,400 --> 00:34:02,866 Just saying, 699 00:34:03,066 --> 00:34:04,516 got to be able to laugh. 700 00:34:04,716 --> 00:34:05,966 I joke with the church, 701 00:34:06,166 --> 00:34:08,633 but you got to believe in something for real. 702 00:34:08,833 --> 00:34:10,800 You got to find something to believe in. 703 00:34:11,000 --> 00:34:12,033 Let me just say that. 704 00:34:12,233 --> 00:34:14,033 I can't tell you what to believe. 705 00:34:14,233 --> 00:34:16,367 I'll say I'm old-fashioned. 706 00:34:16,567 --> 00:34:17,600 I'm a dinosaur. 707 00:34:17,800 --> 00:34:19,667 I still believe that there is a God 708 00:34:19,867 --> 00:34:22,700 and that if you need Him, you could call on Him, 709 00:34:22,900 --> 00:34:23,833 and He will help you, 710 00:34:24,033 --> 00:34:26,683 just like He be helping me all the time. 711 00:34:26,883 --> 00:34:29,625 That's just my own personal opinion. 712 00:34:29,825 --> 00:34:32,612 I think you should believe in something. 713 00:34:32,812 --> 00:34:35,539 These atheists have gotten out of control. 714 00:34:35,739 --> 00:34:38,467 These motherfuckers is on some different shit. 715 00:34:38,667 --> 00:34:39,833 Motherfucking atheists 716 00:34:40,033 --> 00:34:42,333 sending me death threats and shit. 717 00:34:42,533 --> 00:34:45,450 Let me... listen here, Mr. Motherfucker Atheist. 718 00:34:45,650 --> 00:34:48,567 Ain't nobody goddamn scared of you, motherfucker, 719 00:34:48,767 --> 00:34:51,200 'cause you ain't got no backup. 720 00:34:53,767 --> 00:34:56,467 Who the fuck is you going to tell? 721 00:34:56,667 --> 00:34:59,000 If you kill me, I'm going right to Jesus 722 00:34:59,200 --> 00:35:01,500 and snitching on you, motherfucker. 723 00:35:03,133 --> 00:35:05,900 Jesus, You ain't going to believe what they doing down there! 724 00:35:07,400 --> 00:35:09,500 You an atheist. Who the fuck you going to tell? 725 00:35:09,700 --> 00:35:11,600 Nobody. 726 00:35:11,800 --> 00:35:13,800 You don't believe that shit. 727 00:35:14,000 --> 00:35:16,500 Motherfucking atheists done got out of hand. 728 00:35:16,700 --> 00:35:19,567 Now they want to tell us what the fuck we believe. 729 00:35:19,767 --> 00:35:20,833 I mean, "You believe in God, 730 00:35:21,033 --> 00:35:25,000 so that mean you don't believe in science." 731 00:35:25,200 --> 00:35:27,100 What the fuck is you talking about? 732 00:35:27,300 --> 00:35:28,900 Motherfucker, I prayed to God 733 00:35:29,100 --> 00:35:30,500 before every science test. 734 00:35:30,700 --> 00:35:33,433 I don't know what the fuck you talking about. 735 00:35:33,633 --> 00:35:36,600 Jesus was in my class, you son of a... 736 00:35:40,834 --> 00:35:43,900 Atheists going to tell me, "Well, you believe in God, 737 00:35:44,100 --> 00:35:46,834 so that mean you don't believe in evolution." 738 00:35:47,034 --> 00:35:49,667 What the fuck is you talking about? 739 00:35:49,867 --> 00:35:51,033 I thought evolution meant 740 00:35:51,233 --> 00:35:52,767 something started off like this 741 00:35:52,967 --> 00:35:55,133 and then later changed into something else. 742 00:35:55,333 --> 00:35:57,066 I think God made the animals 743 00:35:57,266 --> 00:35:59,000 and then watched them bitches evolve 744 00:35:59,200 --> 00:36:00,934 like the rest of us. What the fuck? 745 00:36:04,066 --> 00:36:05,567 Atheists fucked up. 746 00:36:05,767 --> 00:36:07,734 Atheists hear my whole story, 747 00:36:07,934 --> 00:36:09,000 hear what I believe. 748 00:36:09,200 --> 00:36:11,534 Then he going to tell me, "No. 749 00:36:11,734 --> 00:36:14,700 That don't make no fucking sense at all." 750 00:36:14,900 --> 00:36:17,534 Okay, well, tell me your shit. 751 00:36:17,734 --> 00:36:20,700 His shit is that two motherfucking atoms 752 00:36:20,900 --> 00:36:23,133 just came the fuck together... 753 00:36:24,900 --> 00:36:27,300 just came together out of nowhere, 754 00:36:27,500 --> 00:36:31,567 banged together, and made this whole perfect Earth. 755 00:36:31,767 --> 00:36:33,267 Fuck outta here. 756 00:36:33,467 --> 00:36:36,400 You stupid enough to believe that fuck-boy shit, 757 00:36:36,600 --> 00:36:39,533 after this show, go outside to the parking lot 758 00:36:39,733 --> 00:36:41,200 and bang on your car 759 00:36:41,400 --> 00:36:44,316 till it becomes a better car. 760 00:36:44,516 --> 00:36:47,433 You just out there, just... 761 00:36:49,834 --> 00:36:51,834 "Still a Corolla. Still a Corolla. 762 00:36:52,034 --> 00:36:53,467 What the..." 763 00:36:57,433 --> 00:36:58,700 Fucking atheists. 764 00:36:58,900 --> 00:37:01,233 His shit don't make no motherfucking sense neither. 765 00:37:01,433 --> 00:37:03,866 They always want to prove evolution 766 00:37:04,066 --> 00:37:08,100 and show you an animal that fit all the criteria. 767 00:37:08,300 --> 00:37:10,967 Want to show me motherfucking scorpion. 768 00:37:11,167 --> 00:37:13,200 "Katt, look at this scorpion. 769 00:37:13,400 --> 00:37:15,166 You see his motherfucking skin? 770 00:37:15,366 --> 00:37:17,466 You see how tough his skin is? 771 00:37:17,666 --> 00:37:19,567 That's so you can't fuck with it. 772 00:37:19,767 --> 00:37:22,834 Then he got these motherfucking pincers 773 00:37:23,034 --> 00:37:25,333 so you can't fuck with it. 774 00:37:25,533 --> 00:37:29,367 Then he got this motherfucking venom 775 00:37:29,567 --> 00:37:31,133 for you can't fuck with it." 776 00:37:31,333 --> 00:37:33,200 Well, get the fuck over here, motherfucker, 777 00:37:33,400 --> 00:37:34,634 and look at this goddamn pig, 778 00:37:34,834 --> 00:37:36,600 and tell me why is this motherfucker 779 00:37:36,800 --> 00:37:39,967 delicious from the rooter to the tooter... 780 00:37:42,633 --> 00:37:44,567 with no defenses at all. 781 00:37:44,767 --> 00:37:47,533 This motherfucker is delicious everywhere. 782 00:37:47,733 --> 00:37:50,033 Look at his sides. That's bacon. 783 00:37:50,233 --> 00:37:52,533 Who would put bacon on the side? 784 00:37:52,733 --> 00:37:54,433 Jesus. 785 00:37:54,633 --> 00:37:56,567 Jesus cares about your breakfast. 786 00:37:56,767 --> 00:37:58,467 He does. He always... 787 00:37:59,400 --> 00:38:01,833 Atheists want you to believe 788 00:38:02,033 --> 00:38:04,633 two motherfucking atoms banged together 789 00:38:04,833 --> 00:38:06,133 made this whole Earth. 790 00:38:06,333 --> 00:38:09,166 That shit mean they should be able to get on the Space Shuttle, 791 00:38:09,366 --> 00:38:11,983 fly around, and find a place 792 00:38:12,183 --> 00:38:14,558 where them same two atoms 793 00:38:14,758 --> 00:38:16,933 had banged together before 794 00:38:17,133 --> 00:38:19,533 and made some other perfect shit. 795 00:38:19,733 --> 00:38:21,299 That's not what they see. 796 00:38:21,499 --> 00:38:22,866 Every planet they see 797 00:38:23,066 --> 00:38:25,249 is more fucked up than the last planet. Just... 798 00:38:25,449 --> 00:38:27,474 ♪ Fucked up, fucked up, fucked up, fucked up ♪ 799 00:38:27,674 --> 00:38:29,700 ♪ Fucked up, fucked up, fucked up, fucked up. ♪ 800 00:38:29,900 --> 00:38:30,967 How you know it's fucked up? 801 00:38:31,167 --> 00:38:32,533 Ain't nobody on it. 802 00:38:36,066 --> 00:38:38,367 That's why we got to watch everything. 803 00:38:38,567 --> 00:38:39,700 You can't believe shit. 804 00:38:39,900 --> 00:38:42,767 I'm saying... I ain't saying you can't trust nobody. 805 00:38:42,967 --> 00:38:45,500 I'm just saying can't nobody be trusted. 806 00:38:47,333 --> 00:38:50,233 These motherfuckers have already told us 807 00:38:50,433 --> 00:38:53,333 the NSA can hear every conversation we make 808 00:38:53,533 --> 00:38:56,300 and see every text that we send. 809 00:38:56,500 --> 00:38:57,800 So you explain to me 810 00:38:58,000 --> 00:38:59,883 how the fuck a whole airplane 811 00:39:00,083 --> 00:39:02,741 could go missing in this bitch 812 00:39:02,941 --> 00:39:05,400 with 271 motherfuckers on it, 813 00:39:05,600 --> 00:39:09,433 and everybody trying to act like ain't shit happened. 814 00:39:09,633 --> 00:39:11,667 Aren't we in the same country 815 00:39:11,867 --> 00:39:14,867 where two airplanes ran into our goddamn buildings, 816 00:39:15,067 --> 00:39:16,900 and we don't know where they are, right? 817 00:39:17,100 --> 00:39:18,700 We can all see this shit. 818 00:39:18,900 --> 00:39:21,967 The police is on some different shit. 819 00:39:22,167 --> 00:39:24,033 I know you noticed it here. 820 00:39:24,233 --> 00:39:27,266 I want you to know it's like that everywhere. 821 00:39:27,466 --> 00:39:30,133 The police is on some different shit. 822 00:39:30,333 --> 00:39:33,000 Now, I know it's some cops in here. 823 00:39:33,200 --> 00:39:34,600 We do not mean y'all. 824 00:39:36,200 --> 00:39:38,133 Y'all are doing a great job. 825 00:39:38,333 --> 00:39:39,500 We appreciate it. 826 00:39:39,700 --> 00:39:42,333 Just doing your job, keeping us safe out there, 827 00:39:42,533 --> 00:39:43,800 and thank you so much. 828 00:39:44,000 --> 00:39:47,734 It's the ones outside we talking about. 829 00:39:47,934 --> 00:39:50,267 They on some different shit. 830 00:39:50,467 --> 00:39:53,833 The police used to be serve and protect. 831 00:39:54,033 --> 00:39:57,400 Used to be you are presumed innocent 832 00:39:57,600 --> 00:40:00,167 until you are proven guilty. 833 00:40:00,367 --> 00:40:02,467 Police is on some different shit. 834 00:40:02,667 --> 00:40:05,600 They done figured out they can kill your ass today 835 00:40:05,800 --> 00:40:08,734 and come up with a story for the news tomorrow. 836 00:40:08,934 --> 00:40:10,834 They done figured that shit out, 837 00:40:11,034 --> 00:40:12,350 and they done got so good, 838 00:40:12,550 --> 00:40:13,667 they can show us the truth, 839 00:40:13,867 --> 00:40:16,466 and we can see the truth with our own eyes, 840 00:40:16,666 --> 00:40:19,266 and then they can lie to us at the same time 841 00:40:19,466 --> 00:40:22,066 and confuse us about the truth 842 00:40:22,266 --> 00:40:24,966 we just saw with our own eyes. 843 00:40:25,166 --> 00:40:27,900 Okay, the first time we all saw it 844 00:40:28,100 --> 00:40:30,533 was at the Boston Marathon bombing. 845 00:40:30,733 --> 00:40:33,166 Everybody was looking for the fake-ass, 846 00:40:33,366 --> 00:40:34,667 bullshit-ass terrorists. 847 00:40:34,867 --> 00:40:36,466 He had a four-day head start. 848 00:40:36,666 --> 00:40:38,866 He could have been anywhere. 849 00:40:39,066 --> 00:40:41,066 But we knew he was in the boat 850 00:40:41,266 --> 00:40:43,767 'cause they told us he was in the boat 851 00:40:43,967 --> 00:40:44,900 from a helicopter. 852 00:40:45,100 --> 00:40:46,834 "That's him in the boat right there. 853 00:40:47,034 --> 00:40:48,467 That's him in the boat." 854 00:40:48,667 --> 00:40:50,934 Drew a picture around him. "That's him laying down 855 00:40:51,134 --> 00:40:53,267 at the bottom of the boat. That's..." 856 00:40:53,467 --> 00:40:55,600 Then they said, "The police are here. 857 00:40:55,800 --> 00:40:57,667 We going to back up, 858 00:40:57,867 --> 00:40:59,950 let the police go in 859 00:41:00,150 --> 00:41:02,225 and begin negotiations." 860 00:41:02,425 --> 00:41:04,500 And all we heard was... 861 00:41:09,867 --> 00:41:11,750 Then they cut to commercial. 862 00:41:11,950 --> 00:41:13,634 By the time they came back, 863 00:41:13,834 --> 00:41:16,066 that motherfucker had 20 holes in his chest, 864 00:41:16,266 --> 00:41:17,883 a tunnel in his throat. 865 00:41:18,083 --> 00:41:19,858 The next day, they say, 866 00:41:20,058 --> 00:41:21,834 "He was in a gunfight... 867 00:41:25,600 --> 00:41:28,133 ...but he didn't have a gun." 868 00:41:32,100 --> 00:41:34,766 Ask a nigga, that is not a gunfight. 869 00:41:34,966 --> 00:41:37,483 That's a drive-by right there. That's... 870 00:41:37,683 --> 00:41:40,200 that's an execution you got caught in. 871 00:41:41,867 --> 00:41:44,233 Second time we saw it... 872 00:41:44,433 --> 00:41:47,233 second time we saw it was in LA 873 00:41:47,433 --> 00:41:49,600 when they was looking for the ex-black cop, 874 00:41:49,800 --> 00:41:51,167 Christopher Dorner. 875 00:41:51,367 --> 00:41:53,933 That was some scary shit. 876 00:41:54,133 --> 00:41:56,500 They wanted that nigga bad. 877 00:41:56,700 --> 00:41:59,600 Let me just tell you I was in LA at the time, 878 00:41:59,800 --> 00:42:02,700 and let me just say you do not want to be a nigga 879 00:42:02,900 --> 00:42:05,467 when they are looking for niggas. 880 00:42:05,667 --> 00:42:08,133 That was some scary shit. 881 00:42:08,333 --> 00:42:12,166 I didn't realize how much of my time I spent being black 882 00:42:12,366 --> 00:42:15,100 till I had to try to drive white for two days. 883 00:42:15,300 --> 00:42:18,500 I'm all up on the steering wheel. 884 00:42:33,800 --> 00:42:35,600 Them motherfuckers wanted that nigga bad. 885 00:42:35,800 --> 00:42:38,667 They shot up two Hispanic women 886 00:42:38,867 --> 00:42:40,433 in a pickup truck 887 00:42:40,633 --> 00:42:43,633 delivering newspapers at 4:30 in the morning 888 00:42:43,833 --> 00:42:45,500 looking for a nigga. Wait a minute. 889 00:42:45,700 --> 00:42:48,534 That is too early and too late for niggas. 890 00:42:48,734 --> 00:42:51,734 We not fixing to be nowhere at 4:30 in the morning, 891 00:42:51,934 --> 00:42:54,834 not even if we supposed to be. 892 00:42:56,633 --> 00:42:59,433 But we knew 893 00:42:59,633 --> 00:43:01,133 he was in the cabin 894 00:43:01,333 --> 00:43:04,400 'cause they told us he was in the cabin. 895 00:43:04,600 --> 00:43:06,033 "He's in the cabin. 896 00:43:06,233 --> 00:43:08,600 The police have him completely surrounded. 897 00:43:08,800 --> 00:43:11,000 There's nowhere for him to go. 898 00:43:11,200 --> 00:43:12,917 We're going to back up, 899 00:43:13,117 --> 00:43:15,058 let the police go in 900 00:43:15,258 --> 00:43:17,000 and begin negotiations." 901 00:43:17,200 --> 00:43:20,834 And all we saw was, "Get that motherfucker!" 902 00:43:26,800 --> 00:43:30,000 Then they said, "It looks like he committed suicide." 903 00:43:32,400 --> 00:43:35,600 They just barbecued this nigga on national TV. 904 00:43:41,600 --> 00:43:45,333 I know the police is on some different shit. 905 00:43:45,533 --> 00:43:47,866 You don't have to tell me. 906 00:43:48,066 --> 00:43:50,066 I found out the hard way. 907 00:43:50,266 --> 00:43:52,066 They did some shit to me 908 00:43:52,266 --> 00:43:54,199 I didn't even know they was allowed to do. 909 00:43:54,399 --> 00:43:56,333 I knew they could take a nigga to jail. 910 00:43:56,533 --> 00:43:57,567 I thought that was it. 911 00:43:57,767 --> 00:44:00,867 These motherfuckers put me in a real mental institution 912 00:44:01,067 --> 00:44:02,900 with real crazy people. 913 00:44:03,100 --> 00:44:04,866 What the fuck?! 914 00:44:05,066 --> 00:44:07,066 I might have thought I was crazy 915 00:44:07,266 --> 00:44:10,333 till you put me in here with the real crazy motherfuckers. 916 00:44:10,533 --> 00:44:13,100 Now I know I'm sane as shit. 917 00:44:13,300 --> 00:44:16,266 You ain't lived till you try to break up a fight 918 00:44:16,466 --> 00:44:19,083 with a motherfucker and hisself. 919 00:44:19,283 --> 00:44:21,900 "Fuck you, nigga. Fuck you." 920 00:44:22,100 --> 00:44:23,100 "One of y'all is right. 921 00:44:23,300 --> 00:44:24,600 That's all I'm trying to say. 922 00:44:24,800 --> 00:44:27,033 I ain't trying to be in your business or nothing." 923 00:44:29,767 --> 00:44:31,200 It's fucked up. 924 00:44:31,400 --> 00:44:33,233 Here the fuck I tell jokes for a living. 925 00:44:33,433 --> 00:44:35,066 These motherfuckers got me handcuffed 926 00:44:35,266 --> 00:44:38,000 to a nigga who's scraping demons out his face. 927 00:44:38,200 --> 00:44:39,600 He... 928 00:44:40,967 --> 00:44:42,000 I'm over there like, 929 00:44:42,200 --> 00:44:45,500 "Jesus, this is your humble servant, Lord. 930 00:44:47,000 --> 00:44:50,233 There's clearly been a miscommunication, Jesus. 931 00:44:52,033 --> 00:44:53,133 Just saying this burden 932 00:44:53,333 --> 00:44:55,333 is a little bit too heavy for your servant, Lord. 933 00:44:55,533 --> 00:44:58,867 If you could just remove this boulder 934 00:44:59,067 --> 00:45:00,033 off a nigga's back, Jesus, 935 00:45:00,233 --> 00:45:02,800 I'd really appreciate it, Lord. 936 00:45:03,000 --> 00:45:05,367 I'm just... I'm just saying, Jesus, 937 00:45:05,567 --> 00:45:08,867 my cup runneth over, Lord, is what I'm saying, 938 00:45:09,067 --> 00:45:12,367 and, thing is, I ain't even thirsty, Jesus, 939 00:45:12,567 --> 00:45:13,667 not a little bit. 940 00:45:13,867 --> 00:45:15,583 You can take this whole cup, 941 00:45:15,783 --> 00:45:17,500 the pitcher, the carafe, 942 00:45:17,700 --> 00:45:19,900 all of it, Jesus." 943 00:45:20,100 --> 00:45:21,900 Fucked up. 944 00:45:22,100 --> 00:45:24,033 You in that motherfucker, and all you thinking is, 945 00:45:24,233 --> 00:45:26,716 "I can't wait to get the fuck out of here, 946 00:45:26,916 --> 00:45:29,400 and there ain't shit going to make me stay 947 00:45:29,600 --> 00:45:30,966 in this son of a bitch." 948 00:45:31,166 --> 00:45:35,166 But they got some medication in the crazy house 949 00:45:35,366 --> 00:45:38,767 that will put an elephant on his back. 950 00:45:38,967 --> 00:45:42,367 And I don't know if you can see from your chair, 951 00:45:42,567 --> 00:45:45,734 but I'm not even a baby elephant, 952 00:45:45,934 --> 00:45:49,533 and they still gave me the whole elephant's pill. 953 00:45:49,733 --> 00:45:52,550 I have a trunk, but I am no elephant. 954 00:45:52,750 --> 00:45:55,567 They had me on five, six medications 955 00:45:55,767 --> 00:45:57,517 at one motherfucking time, 956 00:45:57,717 --> 00:45:59,267 just trying to break a nigga. 957 00:45:59,467 --> 00:46:02,317 They had me on some shit named Seroquel. 958 00:46:02,517 --> 00:46:05,167 I don't know what the fuck is in Seroquel, 959 00:46:05,367 --> 00:46:08,133 but I think Satan's penis is in it, I really do, 960 00:46:08,333 --> 00:46:10,166 because it's from Hell. 961 00:46:10,366 --> 00:46:11,133 That shit... 962 00:46:11,333 --> 00:46:13,767 if you whisper "Seroquel" to me, 963 00:46:13,967 --> 00:46:15,467 I become a different nigga. 964 00:46:15,667 --> 00:46:17,533 Just... Seroquel. 965 00:46:26,967 --> 00:46:30,967 I'm just trying to find my happy place. 966 00:46:31,167 --> 00:46:34,934 I love these soft-ass pants. 967 00:46:35,134 --> 00:46:38,100 It's fucked up. 968 00:46:38,300 --> 00:46:39,834 I got out that motherfucker. 969 00:46:40,034 --> 00:46:41,033 I said I'm going to fix 970 00:46:41,233 --> 00:46:43,583 every motherfucking thing that's wrong with me. 971 00:46:43,783 --> 00:46:46,133 I'm going to fucking get all my shit together. 972 00:46:46,333 --> 00:46:47,333 That's when I realized 973 00:46:47,533 --> 00:46:49,467 you can't even trust simple shit. 974 00:46:49,667 --> 00:46:52,617 We used to think our doctor gave a fuck about us. 975 00:46:52,817 --> 00:46:55,767 We used to think our doctor wanted us to get better 976 00:46:55,967 --> 00:46:57,500 so we would be better. 977 00:46:57,700 --> 00:47:00,150 Our doctor don't give a fuck about us. 978 00:47:00,350 --> 00:47:02,800 That motherfucker is making money, 979 00:47:03,000 --> 00:47:04,100 and that is it. 980 00:47:04,300 --> 00:47:07,333 He is a drug dealer just like the drug dealers. 981 00:47:07,533 --> 00:47:09,466 Ain't no motherfucking difference. 982 00:47:09,666 --> 00:47:11,516 It's fucked up. It's fucked up. 983 00:47:11,716 --> 00:47:13,308 'Cause the medicine commercials 984 00:47:13,508 --> 00:47:14,900 have really gone over the top. 985 00:47:15,100 --> 00:47:17,283 They don't even give a fuck about us 986 00:47:17,483 --> 00:47:19,467 as people any-motherfucking-more. 987 00:47:19,667 --> 00:47:21,866 Do you remember when they used to at least 988 00:47:22,066 --> 00:47:26,100 have the common decency to whisper the side effect 989 00:47:26,300 --> 00:47:27,800 at the end of the... 990 00:47:28,000 --> 00:47:30,767 you could barely hear the fucked-up shit 991 00:47:30,967 --> 00:47:32,734 that could possibly happen to you. 992 00:47:32,934 --> 00:47:35,166 They just, "Possible side effects are... 993 00:47:42,133 --> 00:47:43,333 Now these motherfuckers 994 00:47:43,533 --> 00:47:45,249 say the motherfucking side effect 995 00:47:45,449 --> 00:47:46,966 so motherfucking loud and proud, 996 00:47:47,166 --> 00:47:50,133 you forget what the fuck they were supposed to be curing 997 00:47:50,333 --> 00:47:51,567 in the first place. 998 00:47:51,767 --> 00:47:54,967 And they just keep going and going, just... 999 00:47:55,167 --> 00:47:58,367 "Are you tired of hangnails ruining your life? 1000 00:48:00,400 --> 00:48:01,700 Well, just take this simple pill, 1001 00:48:01,900 --> 00:48:04,600 and in two weeks, you'll be jumping rope 1002 00:48:04,800 --> 00:48:06,833 and running back to usual. 1003 00:48:07,033 --> 00:48:08,866 Possible side effects are 1004 00:48:09,066 --> 00:48:11,967 loss of the rest of your toes, 1005 00:48:12,167 --> 00:48:13,967 fucked-up ankles, 1006 00:48:14,167 --> 00:48:15,767 dislocated kneecaps, 1007 00:48:15,967 --> 00:48:18,166 separation of thigh meat, 1008 00:48:18,366 --> 00:48:19,700 hip dysplasia, 1009 00:48:19,900 --> 00:48:21,800 innie-outie belly button, 1010 00:48:22,000 --> 00:48:23,534 female breasts. 1011 00:48:23,734 --> 00:48:26,000 If you have two Adam's apples, 1012 00:48:26,200 --> 00:48:27,100 if your chin falls off, 1013 00:48:27,300 --> 00:48:29,633 if you go blind or deaf for any reason..." 1014 00:48:29,833 --> 00:48:30,534 What the fuck?! 1015 00:48:30,734 --> 00:48:33,533 Just cut my goddamn toe off, bitch. 1016 00:48:33,733 --> 00:48:35,266 I got shit to do. 1017 00:48:38,000 --> 00:48:40,033 Just saying you got to try whatever you can. 1018 00:48:40,233 --> 00:48:41,300 If you in a relationship, 1019 00:48:41,500 --> 00:48:43,800 you can't afford to take that shit for granted, 1020 00:48:44,000 --> 00:48:46,533 'cause you don't know when bullshit going to happen, 1021 00:48:46,733 --> 00:48:47,767 and you need somebody 1022 00:48:47,967 --> 00:48:50,967 that you can post the fuck up with in times of trouble. 1023 00:48:51,167 --> 00:48:54,967 I didn't know you could stay single too long. 1024 00:48:55,167 --> 00:48:57,534 Nobody fucking told me that. 1025 00:48:57,734 --> 00:48:59,800 I fucked around, stayed single so long, 1026 00:49:00,000 --> 00:49:02,367 now I'm in the gray area. 1027 00:49:05,233 --> 00:49:06,600 I'm in the gray area. 1028 00:49:06,800 --> 00:49:09,834 I didn't even know there was a gray area. 1029 00:49:10,034 --> 00:49:11,800 I stayed single too long. 1030 00:49:12,000 --> 00:49:14,667 Everybody I fuck, she's either too young 1031 00:49:14,867 --> 00:49:16,833 or she's too motherfucking old. 1032 00:49:17,033 --> 00:49:20,700 If she's too young, she's a greedy rabbit. 1033 00:49:20,900 --> 00:49:23,934 If she's too old, she's a needy fish. 1034 00:49:24,134 --> 00:49:26,700 Both of 'em got different shit. 1035 00:49:26,900 --> 00:49:29,800 If she too young, you know she too young. 1036 00:49:30,000 --> 00:49:31,167 How do you know? 1037 00:49:31,367 --> 00:49:34,683 She is doing everything she ever saw 1038 00:49:34,883 --> 00:49:38,000 on any porno on your nonporno dick. 1039 00:49:38,200 --> 00:49:40,667 Shit that has nothing to do with sex at all. 1040 00:49:40,867 --> 00:49:41,900 She just... 1041 00:49:53,200 --> 00:49:54,833 Fellas, have you ever been fucking her, 1042 00:49:55,033 --> 00:49:57,467 and she too young, and you realize halfway through 1043 00:49:57,667 --> 00:50:00,200 this is not a fuck, this is a fight? 1044 00:50:01,533 --> 00:50:04,567 She don't give a fuck about your pelvis at all. 1045 00:50:05,934 --> 00:50:07,167 Fellas, you ever had her 1046 00:50:07,367 --> 00:50:09,200 knock you off your pivot foot? 1047 00:50:12,767 --> 00:50:13,900 She just... 1048 00:50:22,000 --> 00:50:24,200 A greedy rabbit. 1049 00:50:25,700 --> 00:50:27,333 Both of 'em talk too much. 1050 00:50:28,367 --> 00:50:30,900 But at least the greedy rabbit 1051 00:50:31,100 --> 00:50:33,567 is saying inspirational, 1052 00:50:33,767 --> 00:50:36,767 motivational shit to the dick. 1053 00:50:36,967 --> 00:50:38,850 She just, "Yes, yes, yes, 1054 00:50:39,050 --> 00:50:40,934 yes, yes, yes, that's good. 1055 00:50:41,134 --> 00:50:42,267 All right. That's good. 1056 00:50:42,467 --> 00:50:45,500 Right. Yes, yes, yes, yes." 1057 00:50:49,233 --> 00:50:51,166 The old one talk too much too... 1058 00:50:52,900 --> 00:50:56,133 but you can't understand shit she saying. 1059 00:50:56,333 --> 00:50:57,433 When you do, 1060 00:50:57,633 --> 00:51:00,667 it's going to scare the shit out of you. 1061 00:51:00,867 --> 00:51:03,233 She just, "Raah. 1062 00:51:05,300 --> 00:51:06,734 Raah. 1063 00:51:08,767 --> 00:51:10,467 Eh, glory. 1064 00:51:12,433 --> 00:51:14,066 Ah, Jes... hah. 1065 00:51:15,000 --> 00:51:16,400 Ah, hot water, corn bread. 1066 00:51:16,600 --> 00:51:17,967 Ah-hah." 1067 00:51:25,100 --> 00:51:26,467 She's too old. 1068 00:51:26,667 --> 00:51:29,033 She's a needy fish. 1069 00:51:29,233 --> 00:51:31,649 Got to pay attention to her. 1070 00:51:31,849 --> 00:51:34,266 They ain't like a young one. 1071 00:51:34,466 --> 00:51:35,500 As a fella, 1072 00:51:35,700 --> 00:51:38,967 you just used to showing up at the battlefield... 1073 00:51:40,767 --> 00:51:43,100 unsheathing your sword, 1074 00:51:43,300 --> 00:51:46,367 and jumping right into the battle. 1075 00:51:46,567 --> 00:51:48,333 Not if she too old. 1076 00:51:48,533 --> 00:51:50,033 No, you got to watch her. 1077 00:51:50,233 --> 00:51:53,066 You used to being able to just watch her face 1078 00:51:53,266 --> 00:51:54,816 and know how you doing. 1079 00:51:55,016 --> 00:51:56,367 Not if she too old, 1080 00:51:56,567 --> 00:51:58,966 'cause you don't know none of her faces. 1081 00:51:59,166 --> 00:52:03,066 She fixing to come and die with the same face. 1082 00:52:03,266 --> 00:52:05,600 How the fuck am I supposed to know? 1083 00:52:05,800 --> 00:52:06,800 She just... 1084 00:52:21,300 --> 00:52:23,267 Just saying, 1085 00:52:23,467 --> 00:52:25,567 they're both different. 1086 00:52:25,767 --> 00:52:28,550 I stayed single too motherfucking long, 1087 00:52:28,750 --> 00:52:31,333 and the world is beginning to change. 1088 00:52:31,533 --> 00:52:35,533 And I been hearing ladies think motherfuckers 1089 00:52:35,733 --> 00:52:37,900 have changed as it comes to them. 1090 00:52:38,100 --> 00:52:39,667 Ladies, I can't speak 1091 00:52:39,867 --> 00:52:42,367 for all men in attendance today, 1092 00:52:42,567 --> 00:52:43,567 but I can speak 1093 00:52:43,767 --> 00:52:46,867 for all heterosexual men in attendance today, 1094 00:52:47,067 --> 00:52:48,700 and, ladies, let me say 1095 00:52:48,900 --> 00:52:52,000 nothing between men and women has changed at all. 1096 00:52:52,200 --> 00:52:53,933 We love y'all now 1097 00:52:54,133 --> 00:52:56,733 the same way we have always loved y'all. 1098 00:52:56,933 --> 00:52:59,533 We put pussy above everything on Earth, 1099 00:52:59,733 --> 00:53:01,133 same as usual. 1100 00:53:01,333 --> 00:53:03,200 Pussy, then the rest of it, 1101 00:53:03,400 --> 00:53:05,033 that's how it goes. 1102 00:53:05,233 --> 00:53:06,667 Pussy's so good, 1103 00:53:06,867 --> 00:53:08,934 we don't even have good reasons for it. 1104 00:53:09,134 --> 00:53:11,033 Pussy is delicious... 1105 00:53:13,000 --> 00:53:14,934 because it has pussy in it. 1106 00:53:16,400 --> 00:53:19,700 That's been good enough for men for thousands of years. 1107 00:53:20,934 --> 00:53:22,367 And as men, 1108 00:53:22,567 --> 00:53:25,200 we hate to see pussy get attacked. 1109 00:53:26,400 --> 00:53:27,833 We all as men 1110 00:53:28,033 --> 00:53:30,400 remember where we were last year 1111 00:53:30,600 --> 00:53:34,600 when we saw pussy get attacked for the first time, 1112 00:53:34,800 --> 00:53:37,700 when Michael Douglas got on TV 1113 00:53:37,900 --> 00:53:40,800 and said he caught throat cancer 1114 00:53:41,000 --> 00:53:42,466 from eating pussy. 1115 00:53:42,666 --> 00:53:43,933 Every man in the world 1116 00:53:44,133 --> 00:53:46,383 stopped in front of his TV, like, 1117 00:53:46,583 --> 00:53:48,774 "What the fuck, Michael Douglas?! 1118 00:53:48,974 --> 00:53:51,166 Don't throw pussy under the bus, 1119 00:53:51,366 --> 00:53:52,767 you son of a bitch. 1120 00:53:52,967 --> 00:53:55,283 Say you were smoking Cuban cigars 1121 00:53:55,483 --> 00:53:57,800 and sucking dick, you motherfucker." 1122 00:54:00,967 --> 00:54:03,883 Life is already too hard as it is. 1123 00:54:04,083 --> 00:54:07,000 You can't die from eating pussy. 1124 00:54:07,200 --> 00:54:09,300 That's in Revelations. 1125 00:54:13,033 --> 00:54:15,633 You already embarrassed to eat the box 1126 00:54:15,833 --> 00:54:17,667 for the first time as it is. 1127 00:54:17,867 --> 00:54:20,600 Now this bitch done got a hair in my throat. 1128 00:54:20,800 --> 00:54:23,533 I thought she was trying to assassinate me. I... 1129 00:54:23,733 --> 00:54:25,200 "Agh. 1130 00:54:25,400 --> 00:54:29,166 Ah, you dirty bitch. Agh. 1131 00:54:29,366 --> 00:54:30,933 Agh, I can't believe 1132 00:54:31,133 --> 00:54:33,967 you brought that smoky-ass uterus over here, bitch. 1133 00:54:34,167 --> 00:54:35,400 Agh. 1134 00:54:35,600 --> 00:54:38,233 Ah, I feel a tumor in my throat already, bitch. Agh." 1135 00:54:48,567 --> 00:54:50,200 In conclusion... 1136 00:54:52,400 --> 00:54:54,800 when we leave this building, 1137 00:54:55,000 --> 00:54:57,934 the police is going to be out there. 1138 00:55:03,033 --> 00:55:05,100 The people that... 1139 00:55:05,300 --> 00:55:07,567 the people that hate you 1140 00:55:07,767 --> 00:55:10,050 not because you better than them, 1141 00:55:10,250 --> 00:55:12,533 but because you try harder than them 1142 00:55:12,733 --> 00:55:14,799 and you work harder than them, 1143 00:55:14,999 --> 00:55:17,066 and you care more than they do... 1144 00:55:18,500 --> 00:55:20,734 ...those people are outside, and... 1145 00:55:20,934 --> 00:55:23,633 and the people that say even if you doing good, 1146 00:55:23,833 --> 00:55:25,533 you is fixing to fuck up, 1147 00:55:25,733 --> 00:55:27,233 them people are outside. 1148 00:55:27,433 --> 00:55:29,883 And the people that see you fucked up and go, 1149 00:55:30,083 --> 00:55:32,533 "I bet you don't come back," they outside too. 1150 00:55:32,733 --> 00:55:35,600 But what's in here is people that know 1151 00:55:35,800 --> 00:55:36,866 no matter how shit looks, 1152 00:55:37,066 --> 00:55:39,433 the real shit is going to be the real shit 1153 00:55:39,633 --> 00:55:42,583 as long as real shit is valuable. 1154 00:55:42,783 --> 00:55:45,734 Because everybody in the world 1155 00:55:45,934 --> 00:55:47,066 has a price, 1156 00:55:47,266 --> 00:55:49,033 because if you didn't, 1157 00:55:49,233 --> 00:55:50,800 you'd be priceless. 1158 00:55:51,000 --> 00:55:54,000 This is to the motherfuckers who cannot be bought, 1159 00:55:54,200 --> 00:55:56,050 but can be fought. Y'all been all that. 1160 00:55:56,250 --> 00:55:57,900 I'm Katt Williams. Thank you ever so much. 1161 00:55:58,100 --> 00:56:01,166 Please give it up for our director, our announcers. 1162 00:56:01,366 --> 00:56:03,433 Please give it up for... I see you. 1163 00:56:03,633 --> 00:56:04,867 Please give it up for yourself 1164 00:56:05,067 --> 00:56:05,800 for believing in me. 1165 00:56:06,000 --> 00:56:07,300 God bless you, and good night. 1166 00:56:07,500 --> 00:56:08,533 This is how we do it. 1167 00:56:08,733 --> 00:56:09,567 ♪ Let's do it ♪ 1168 00:56:09,767 --> 00:56:11,667 ♪ All out like Janet at the Super Bowl ♪ 1169 00:56:11,867 --> 00:56:14,133 ♪ Falling on these hos like I'm getting rolled ♪ 1170 00:56:14,333 --> 00:56:16,600 ♪ You niggas burn me all day in my street clothes ♪ 1171 00:56:16,800 --> 00:56:18,867 ♪ Pull up, and I'm flexing with your new ho ♪ 1172 00:56:19,067 --> 00:56:20,667 ♪ Yep, man, that's just how I do it ♪ 1173 00:56:20,867 --> 00:56:23,267 ♪ 20 deep in the club like it ain't nothing to it ♪ 1174 00:56:23,467 --> 00:56:25,666 ♪ Money is the language and, yeah, I'm flowing ♪ 1175 00:56:25,866 --> 00:56:28,066 ♪ Like a high-top fade with my last name Ewing ♪ 1176 00:56:28,266 --> 00:56:29,500 ♪ You ain't heard, you ain't heard ♪ 1177 00:56:29,700 --> 00:56:31,967 ♪ I'm the man round here, money, hos, and clothes ♪ 1178 00:56:32,167 --> 00:56:33,233 ♪ That's the play around here ♪ 1179 00:56:33,433 --> 00:56:35,733 ♪ Couple freaks in the club, girl, do your thing ♪ 1180 00:56:35,933 --> 00:56:38,233 ♪ Back it up on the young, shit, that's what I gave ♪ 1181 00:56:38,433 --> 00:56:40,333 ♪ Hey, I got a swag ladies kill for ♪ 1182 00:56:40,533 --> 00:56:42,716 ♪ Whip outside, and it's sitting on the low post ♪ 1183 00:56:42,916 --> 00:56:45,325 ♪ The homeys turnt up, probably got the four-four ♪ 1184 00:56:45,525 --> 00:56:47,934 ♪ So chill, brah, we don't want to have to let it go ♪ 1185 00:56:48,134 --> 00:56:49,967 ♪ Boo-yah, go like Slick Rick the Ruler ♪ 1186 00:56:50,167 --> 00:56:51,667 ♪ Ass so phat, I need a ruler ♪ 1187 00:56:51,867 --> 00:56:54,217 ♪ We be going all out, everybody know us ♪ 1188 00:56:54,417 --> 00:56:56,767 ♪ Every time I show up, better that we go up ♪ 1189 00:56:56,967 --> 00:56:59,400 ♪ Bitch, I speed in a whip like trotter ♪ 1190 00:56:59,600 --> 00:57:01,200 ♪ I ain't worried about a header ♪ 1191 00:57:01,400 --> 00:57:02,100 ♪ I just count gwap ♪ 1192 00:57:02,300 --> 00:57:03,933 ♪ Turn up all these hos in here ♪ 1193 00:57:04,133 --> 00:57:06,450 ♪ Going strong in the VIP, let 'em know we here ♪ 1194 00:57:06,650 --> 00:57:08,967 - ♪ We going all out ♪ - ♪ All out, all out ♪ 1195 00:57:09,167 --> 00:57:11,400 ♪ Yeah, we ball out, ball out, ball out ♪ 1196 00:57:11,600 --> 00:57:13,600 ♪ Going all out, all out, all out ♪ 1197 00:57:13,800 --> 00:57:16,266 ♪ Going strong in the VIP, let 'em know we here ♪ 1198 00:57:16,466 --> 00:57:18,667 ♪ Hey, all out like Girls Gone Wild ♪ 1199 00:57:18,867 --> 00:57:21,183 ♪ Ball so hard, hating niggas want to foul ♪ 1200 00:57:21,383 --> 00:57:23,700 ♪ Like, swish, we be doing hard in the field ♪ 1201 00:57:23,900 --> 00:57:25,734 ♪ Got a couple hos here to wheel ♪ 1202 00:57:25,934 --> 00:57:27,066 ♪ Pushing at the 110, whatty ♪ 1203 00:57:27,266 --> 00:57:28,167 ♪ Banging that even 40 ♪ 1204 00:57:28,367 --> 00:57:30,433 ♪ 24s on the thing, I call that shit Cubby ♪ 1205 00:57:30,633 --> 00:57:33,266 ♪ Got gold in my Rolly, money make you wanna know me ♪ 1206 00:57:33,466 --> 00:57:35,900 ♪ I'm copping everything like Axel Foley ♪ 1207 00:57:36,100 --> 00:57:38,200 ♪ G-G-Got the club all turnt up ♪ 1208 00:57:38,400 --> 00:57:39,467 ♪ Turnt up... ♪ 88018