All language subtitles for Jo.Koy.Lights.Out.2012.1080p.WEBRip.x264.AAC-[YTS.MX]

Downloaded from
YTS.MX

Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX

[hip-hop music]

- L.A., are you ready?

[cheers and applause]

Live from the Alex Theatre,

give it up for Jo Koy!

[cheers and applause]

- What?

What?

Oh, shit.

Wow.

We'’re in Los Angel--

This is why I love coming home
to Los Angeles.

This is my home
right now, man.

[cheers and applause]

What'’re we doing?

Like, just look around, man.

Everyone,
just look at this, man.

Like, we got every color of the
rainbow in the theater tonight.

That'’s when you know
you'’re in L.A.

I mean, we got--like, you can
smell each race in here.

You know what I mean?

I can smell every--
like, you can--

There'’s, like,
some tortillas right here.

Chicken and waffles
right around...

Right around this area
are the chicken and waffle...

Some Filipino food
all over the goddamn place.

[cheers and applause]

Is that--is that--

How many Filipinos
in here right now?

Let me just hear
how many Filipinos.

[crowd cheers]
Shit.

That'’s a lot of Filipinos.

Somewhere in Glendale,
there'’s an empty hospital.

No nurses working tonight.

Nurses'’ day off.

Just doctors
walking around, going,

"Where'’s Bernadette?"

[Filipino accent]
"She'’s at the comedy show."

[chuckles]

That'’s how Filip--

That'’s how those
Filipino nurses talk.

Like, the ones
that didn'’t come to the show,

the snitchy fuckin'’
Filipino nurse.

She'’s pissed off
that she didn'’t know

all the other Filipino nurses
came to the show,

now she'’s
telling the doctor,

"She'’s at the comedy show.

"I was in the breakroom,

"and her purse fall down,
ticket fall out,

"it says, '’Jo Koy.'’

"And she'’s at the show,

laughing,
having good time."

If you'’re not Filipino,
that'’s how they talk.

My mom talks like that.

Right?

It doesn'’t matter
how exciting the news is,

my mom'’s face
always looks depressed.

Most exciting news in the world,
depression on the face.

"It'’s your sister'’s
birthday."

"Your brother'’s
getting married."

"Oh, that sucks, Mom."

My mom would give
the worst advice.

The worst advi--That'’s why
I had to leave my mom.

Worst advice.

If I go to the bar,

my mom'’s the first one
to call me and go,

"Josep, are you going
to a bar out there?

"Are you going out there?

"To those bars? That bar?"

"Yeah, I'’m going
to those bars, Mom, why?"

"Which bar?
Which bar, Josep? Which?"

Like she knows
all the fucking bars.

"I'’m just going to a bar.
Why, Mom?

Why are you call--
I gotta go."

"Well, because, Josep,

"the reason why
I'’m asking you..."

That'’s how my mom talks to me.
She'’s gotta fucking sing.

"Jo-sep, the reason why
I'’m telling you

"why what bar is because
there'’s people out there

putting drugs
in the drinks."

"What are you
talking about, Mom?"

"Drugs, Josep, drugs.

They call it '’rupie.'’"

"Did you say, '’rupie'’?"

"Yes, Josep, '’rupie.'’"

"You mean '’rufie'’?"

"Yes, Josep, '’ru-pie.'’"

"Mom, why?
Why are you talk--"

"Because, Josep,
what it is

"is they put it
in the drinks.

And it'’s a date rape drug."

"Mom, I'’m all right.

"I-I-I don'’t think anyone'’s
gonna '’rupie'’ me.

"So, thank you.
I'’m late, I gotta go.

Thank you for the advice,
but, uh, I'’m gonna be okay."

And then she gets mad.

"Oh, okay, Josep, you know what?
Then just go.

"Go, Josep.

"Go to those bars.

"And drink several drinks.

"And put them
all over the bar.

"Someone will put a rupie
in one of those drinks.

"You will drink it,
fall asleep, you wake up,

"they'’re fucking your ass.

"Fucking your ass.

"And then you'’ll wake up--
'’My butt hurt!'’

You got rupied."

Just a side note, any guy
that'’s ever rufied a girl,

you'’re a piece of shit.

That'’s fucked up. Rufie a girl.
That is such bullshit.

You rufie a girl.
Are you kidding me?

That'’s horrible.
Don'’t rufie a girl.

This is what I do...

Creepy guys, listen up.

Don'’t rufie a girl.
That'’s illegal.

This is what I do.

When you'’re out
drinking with a girl, all right,

use the voice
that she thinks she hears

when she'’s being rufied.

It'’s hysterical.

She doesn'’t know
what the fuck is going on.

Like right when she takes
a sip out of her drink,

just look at her and go,

[deep, distorted voice]
"How are you feeling?"

"Wha--Wha?"

"I said,
'’how are you feeling?'’"

"I don'’t feel good."

"You don'’t
look good either."

[low chuckle]

[chuckles]

There are some guys here

that are gonna try
that shit tonight.

I swear to God.

You creepy fuckers.

Don'’t do it at the bar across
the street, you'’ll get caught.

Buy a girl a drink,
and look at her,

and go,
"How are you feeling?"

And she'’s like,
"I was at that show, asshole."

"Sorry."

Do you know how happy I am
to be home in L.A.?

You don'’t understand,
you guys.

[cheers and applause]

'’Cause I'’m on the road.
I'’m on the road all the time.

And I got to go to places
where it'’s like,

I'’m--I'’m looked at like they'’ve
never seen this shit before.

You know what I mean?
Like--like--They--

I go to Louisville,
and I am the Asian population.

It'’s like, me and, like,

a couple nail salons,
and that'’s it.

And I go to these places,
and it'’s tough,

'’cause you get out--
When you live there,

they--they--they have things
that we aren'’t used to in L.A.

Like, they got
tornadoes in Louisville.

Like, I'’ve never been
in a tornado before.

Okay, and I don'’t know
how to react,

and I don'’t know what to do,
you know what I mean?

'’Cause I'’m never
part of that.

Like, this is what happened.

When I was just in Louisville,
a tornado hit Churchill Downs,

where they
run the horses, okay.

Blew the roofs
off the stables,

and threw horses
across the fuckin'’ street.

And I was there,
and I'’m like,

"I don'’t want to be here.

"I'’m a comedian.
I don'’t wanna be here.

I don'’t know
what a tornado is."

They had warnings the whole week
that I was performing there,

and if you'’ve never heard
a tornado warning before,

it'’s this sound,
this alarm sound.

It'’s creepy,
like, you don'’t--

If you'’re not from there, you
don'’t know what the fuck it is.

I was walking to the comedy
club, and this is what I hear...

Is a...
[imitates cat-yowl siren]

And I was like,

"This cat is fucking the shit
out of this cat."

I want to see
these two cats fucking,

'’cause the other cat
is fucking like...

[imitates cat-yowl siren]

And I ask the guy, I go,

"Excuse me,
what is that sound?

What is that?"
And he'’s like--

the guy from Louis--
he was like,

"Oh, that'’s just
the tornado warning."

That'’s what he said to me,

"That'’s just
the tornado warning."

And I was like,

"Well, shouldn'’t
we fucking hide?"

And this is what
he said to me.

He goes, "Oh, no,
it'’s not gonna come...

it'’s not gonna come
through here."

Are you fucking kidding me?

Like, that'’s why their houses
get blown the fuck away.

'’Cause they--he...like he
talks to tornado all day.

Like, "Hey, tornado, are you
gonna come through, uh...

you gonna come through here?"
Tornado says,

"Nah, I'’m not gonna
come through there."

It'’s a fucking tornado!

You don'’t know
when a tornado'’s gonna appear.

It just fucking starts...

it just starts spinning.
It just starts...

It'’s like an annoying gay friend
that crashes your party.

Like, "Ohhh!

Ohhh!"

It'’s like,
"Who invited Tornado?

He'’s blowing everybody!"

The only natural disaster--
this is what people from L.A.--

this is what we--
the natural disaster

that we'’re used to--
earthquakes, right?

And we don'’t give a fuck
about '’em.

They don'’t scare us.

When we'’re from here,
we don'’t give a fuck

about an earthquake.

This is how you act
in an earthquake.

All of us,
it'’s the same shit.

It fucking shakes,
and you'’re like...

[frightened,
panicked gasping]

And when it stops,
you'’re like,

"Hey, let'’s get Pinkberry.

You want Pinkberry?
Pinkberry?"

Don'’t give a fuck.

"Fuck you, earthquake!"

Give a shit
about an earthquake.

I was in my first earthquake.
It was about--

it was about four years ago
or five years ago.

It was with my son.
It was the first earthquake

I was ever in with my son,
and, uh, it was so funny,

'’cause he was sitting--he was
sitting on the couch like this

watching, uh, TV, right?

And, uh, and I'’d just
got out of the shower

and I'’m toweling off.

Now, if you'’ve never
been in an earthquake,

it lasts maybe, what,
three seconds at the most?

But it feels like
eternity, right?

So I'’d just--remember,
I'’d just got out of the shower

and I'’m toweling off,

and then, all of the sudden,
everything starts shaking.

Just...
[imitates rumbling]

I was like, "Oh, fuck,
earthquake," right?

So I had to go get my son,

and everything
was like slow-motion,

so I started running
to the living room.

It was like,
[slow] "Jo!...

"Jo!...

Jo!"
Wet, naked.

"Jo!... Jo!..."

I came around the corner,
and my son looked at me

like this...

"Aah!"

"Jo! Jo!"

"Aah!"

"Jo!

Jo!"

"Aah!"

And the earthquake stopped,

so I put him back on the couch
and I kissed him.

I go, "I love you."

And I walk back
to the room--wet, naked--

and I was toweling off,

and I started thinking
to myself.

I was like,

"Should I tell him
what just happened?"

He has no idea
what the fuck just happened.

He was just watching
Spongebob Squarepants

and his wet, naked dad

came running around
the corner going,

[slow]
"I love you, Jo!"

So I didn'’t tell him.

Fuck it, I'’m gonna let it
sit in the back of his head

for the rest of his life.

Every time there'’s
an earthquake, he'’s gonna go,

"Oh, shit!
Do you see my dad?

You see my dad?"

[slow]
"Jo!"

If you don'’t have kids,
all right, they'’re a joy.

I love my son
to death, man.

He'’s eight years old, he'’s
the love of my life, all right?

But if you don'’t have kids

and you'’re thinking
about having kids,

'’cause I know there'’s
some people in here like,

"I'’m ready to have a kid.

I want to be a mommy,"
and there'’s some guys like,

"I want to be a daddy."

Um, shut the fuck up.

Shut up.

No you'’re not.

You'’re not ready.

Look at me.
Look at this.

Look!
Take a close look.

I used to have long,
beautiful hair.

It'’s gone!

Pull out.

Pull the fuck out.

It'’s your only option,
use it.

Pull out.
This is all you gotta do.

"Ha!"

Baby. No baby.

Minivan. Sports car.

There'’s parents in here too.
I see you guys.

You don'’t even have to tell me
you'’re a parent.

You don'’t have to applaud.

You don'’t have to say shit.

I know what
a parent looks like.

Parents recognize parents.
We just know.

When I said "pull out," there
were some parents in here like,

"Yeah, I should have."

Parents don'’t
want to go home.

You guys are laughing and having
a good time right now,

but in the back of your head,
you'’re like, "Fuck...

I hope he'’s asleep."

And he'’s not.

He'’s not.

When you go home,
they'’re waiting for you.

You know why?

'’Cause your babysitter
fed him fucking Cocoa Puffs

and chocolate milk
for fucking dinner.

So now they'’re standing
by the front door

like fucking crackheads.

And they'’re always holding
heavy shit for no reason.

Just naked
with a box of LEGOs.

And then you open the door,
"Daddy!"

Go to sleep!

My son'’s gotta tell me
six hours'’ worth of shit

in two minutes.

The minute I walk in,
he'’s gotta tell me

everything he did
while I was gone.

"Daddy! You'’re not gonna
believe this,

"but I played NBA 2K11
in 3D, Daddy!

"Blake Griffin dunked
the basketball

"and the ball came right at me
and I was like,

"'’Oh, my God,
that is so cool!'’

"Daddy, I made
a basketball out of LEGOs,

"but Mommy said
I can'’t throw it in the house

"'’cause it might
break a window!

"Daddy, I tried Yoo-hoo
for the first time.

I like chocolate!"

Pull out.

Kids are the shit though.

When you become a parent,
you gotta teach your kids

things that you didn'’t think
you had to teach them.

I mean, sometimes,
I'’ll look at my son and go,

"Why don'’t you know this?

It'’s common sense!"

And then I realize,
"Oh, fuck.

"He just got his brain
eight years ago.

I gotta tell him."

My son got pink eye
three weeks straight.

Three weeks straight.

I felt like
the worst dad in the world.

The first week,
the nurse called me, right?

She'’s like,
"Hi, your son'’s got pink eye.

Come get your son."

I go, "Oh, my God, I'’m so sorry.
I'’ll be right there."

I go pick up my son,

take care of it,
bring him back to school.

Second week,
pink eye again, right?

Nurse is pissed.

"Hi.

"Your son has pink eye.

"Again.

Come get your son."

I go, "Oh, my God, I'’m sorry.
I thought it was allergies."

"No, it'’s not allergies.

His eyes are pink."

"I'’ll be right there."

Go get him, fix it up,
bring him back.

Third week,
pink eye again.

Both fucking eyes.

I swear to God, both eyes.

He never looked
more Asian in his life.

I went to go get him,
I was like, "Jo, you all right?"

He turned around and was like,
"Dad, this hurts so bad."

I don'’t know why
he was bucking his teeth.

That was some extra shit.
"Ohh!

Ohh!"

The nurse
pulls me to the side

and she'’s
whisper-yelling at me.

You know what I mean?
She'’s like, whisper-yelling.

That'’s how they do it
in school.

They whisper-yell at you
in front of the kid.

So she pulls me to the side
and she'’s like,

"I don'’t understand
why you keep

"bringing your son to school
when he has pink eye.

"You need to take care of

"this problem
before you bring him back.

"It'’s not safe for
the other kids,

"and you'’re not being
a responsible parent.

"The last time this is
gonna happen, do you hear me?

Last time."

And I got all,
like, offended, so I started,

like, whisper-yelling back.

I was like,
"Hey, uh, first of all,

"Don'’t you ever yell at me

"in front of my kid again.

"And first of all,
I did take care

"of the problem, but every time
I take care of the problem,

"I bring him back to school
and he keeps getting pink eye.

"Don'’t you think
that'’s a little weird, huh?

"A little weird, right?
It is, right?

"Maybe some kid at your school
has pink eye on his fingertips

and he'’s rubbing it all over
the other kids'’ eyes."

And she goes,
"Yeah, that'’s your kid."

I go, "Sorry!"

So I take him home,
fix it up,

he'’s sitting on
the living room floor,

and I'’m looking at him like,

"Why does he keep
getting pink eye?"

I felt like
the worst dad in the world.

And it was like God was like,
"Here, let me show you.

You'’re too stupid
to figure this out."

And it happened
right before my eyes.

My son takes his hand
and goes right down his shorts.

[crowd groans]
That'’s what I said, "No!

No!"

'’Cause he was in there...

like he forgot something.

And he pulled his hand out

and he put it right here
on his thigh, right?

And I wanted to tell him.
I was like,

"Jo, go.
Go to the bathroom,

wash your hands."
That'’s what I wanted to say.

But then I wanted to see it
actually happen.

I wanted to see
this shit unfold.

So I was giving him
the benefit of the doubt.

So I was just
mumbling to myself like,

"Don'’t do it, Jo.

"Jo, don'’t do it.
Don'’t do it.

"Go to the bathroom.
Go to the bathroom.

"Jo, don'’t do it.

"Don'’t do it, Jo.

"Go to the bathroom, Jo.

"Noo!

Don'’t do it!"
Pink eye, fourth week.

Right there.

I didn'’t know I was
supposed to tell my son,

"Jo, when you scratch
your asshole...

don'’t rub your eye."

I thought that was
common fucking sense!

Plus, when you scratch
your asshole,

it leaves a scent
on your fingertips,

so when you go towards
your eye, your nose goes,

"Don'’t put that shit
in your eye!"

But my son smells that
and goes, "Wow!

"Put that in both my eyes!

I can see my fart."

Love my son.
Any new parents out there?

This is my only suggestion,
right now.

This is the only thing I can
give you as another parent

is take a lot of pictures
and take a lot of video tape.

As much as you can.

And actually,
every time your kid goes,

"Mommy, pick me up.
Daddy, carry me."

Pick '’em up.
Carry '’em.

Don'’t look at '’em and go,
"You'’ve got legs, walk!"

Don'’t do that shit,
'’cause they grow up that fast,

and there'’s gonna come a time
where they don'’t want you

to pick '’em up anymore

and you'’re gonna miss
those fucking days.

I'’m gonna hold my son
till he'’s 20.

I don'’t give a fuck.

We'’re gonna be at the mall,
my son'’s gonna be like,

"Dad, this is ridiculous."

"Just hurry up
and burp, son."

Take a lot of video.
Capture every moment.

It'’s called evidence.

Everything that makes
your son cry or be sad,

get it on tape.
Use it against him.

The worst day of my son'’s life
was his first day of school.

He didn'’t want
to go to school.

Kept crying till
3:00 in the morning.

Crying all night, "I don'’t
want to go to school, Daddy!

"I want to stay home, Daddy!
I don'’t want to go!

"I'’m a good boy!

"I don'’t even
know those people, Daddy,

and you'’re gonna
make me go to school!"

"I don'’t wanna go!
[incoherent whining]

I wanna stay home!"
And I'’m like, "Jo!

"Go to sleep!

"It'’s 3:00 in the morning!

"Go to bed! Baby,
you'’re gonna have fun in school.

"You get to learn things
in school.

"You get to meet new friends
in school.

"You get to play
with your new friends at recess.

"You'’re gonna
have fun, baby.

"Daddy'’s gonna
take you to school,

so why are you scared?
I'’m gonna be there for you."

And then I was like,
"Oh, shit,

"I gotta get the camera.

I gotta get
all this crying on tape."

That way,
when he gets older,

and starts talking shit,

I got that tape.

'’Cause you know how little boys
are when they'’re 16.

They talk shit
to their dads.

It'’s like, "Dad, why are you
a dick all the time?"

And I go, "Really?"
and I pop the tape in.

What about that, bitch?"

But that didn'’t happen.

I brought him
to his first day of school.

My son grew up just like that,
right before my eyes.

Turned into a little man.

Teacher said his name,
he walked right past me.

I tried to kiss him,
he did that Matrixshit on me.

Standing in the single-file line
like this, holding his backpack.

And these two little boys

that obviously
went to preschool together.

They'’re in the same class.

They run up behind my son.

"This is gonna be fun.

"We'’re gonna have
fun in kindergarten.

We'’re gonna have fun
in kindergarten!"

My son doesn'’t even
know these kids,

but he keeps
looking at them,

trying to engage
in some type of conversation.

Like, [childlike]
"Yeah, this is gonna be fun."

"Yeah, I-I'’m gonna be
your friend."

[growls]

"Look at my ting-ting."

[laughs]

- I'’m across the auditorium.
I'’m recording everything,

and he sees me.

So I mouth to him.

I go, "I love you.
I love you."

And my son
goes like this...

What a dick, right?

And then a teacher goes,
"All right, we'’re gonna take

the kids to class, and even
if your kid starts crying,

don'’t come with us '’cause
we'’re trying to break that bond.

Parents,
stay in the auditorium."

I go, "All right,
now my son'’s gonna cry."

Reality check.
Daddy'’s gotta leave.

So I run up to my son.
I'’m trying to squeeze

one tear
out of this fucker.

I'’m saying mean shit too,
like, "Daddy'’s gotta go.

That'’s a lot
of scary people here."

"Watch out."

My son goes like this,
"So what, Daddy?

"Just go.

Get out of here."

And I was like this,

[broken up]
"Okay."

"You don'’t--you don'’t
have to say it so loud.

"I just want you to know
I made you a sandwich

"and I put Go-Gurt
in your backpack,

"and there'’s a Capri Sun.

"And if you'’re still hungry,
Daddy put $3 in your pocket

"so you
can get--I gotta go.

I gotta go."

And I leaned in
to kiss him like this

and put his little baby hand
on my face, just like that.

So cute.

And he goes, "Move."

He fucking pushed my face

and walked out that door

with those two boys
he'’d just met in line.

And now they think
he'’s king shit

'’cause he just
bitch-slapped his dad.

So I stopped him.
You'’re not gonna punk me.

I don'’t give a fuck
if you'’re five.

I was like, "Jo, turn around.
Daddy'’s gotta talk to you.

Turn around."
He'’s like, "What you want,

Daddy?
I'’m with my friends."

His one friend'’s like,
"You okay, Jo?"

"I got this.

What you want, Daddy?"

I go, "Baby, I just want you
to know one thing

"before you go
to class, okay?

"I just want you
to know that I, uh...

I could have pulled out."

"What are you
talking about, Daddy?"

"I'’m just saying
you could have ended up

on a pillowcase
or a shirt."

"Daddy,
what are you talking about?

"I'’m just saying, your mommy
could have swallowed you.

I'’ll pick you up
at 2:15."

I gotta take this jacket off.
I'’m sorry, I gotta do it.

I'’m fucking
sweating my ass off.

[cheers and applause,
mostly female]

Yeah, oh, shut up.

I never--
I never told anyone

where my son
got "ting-ting" from,

so I'’m gonna tell you where
he got it from, all right?

Um, my mom speaks Tagalog.

All right?
Tagalog.

First of all,
I just don'’t want you to think

my son just woke up one day
and looked at his dick

and went,
"You are ting-ting!"

I'’m gonna tell you
the history of "ting-ting."

My mom speaks Tagalog, okay?

And in Tagalog, uh, uh,
the penis is called titi.

And my son heard that
one day and he thought

he heard "ting-ting."

And we didn'’t want to
correct him, '’cause he thought

he was speaking Tagalog
and it was funny as shit.

Like we would watch, like, like,
VH1 and the VJ would be like,

"We'’ll be right back
with this independent group

called The Ting-Tings,"
and my son'’s like,

"Ho-ho-ho, yeah!

Ting-Tings!"

And he doesn'’t call it
his ting-ting anymore.

Like, I said it
on my last special.

If you didn'’t see it, like,

my son called his dick
his ting-ting

and he called it for--
for years he was saying it.

He started saying it
like 2 1/2, 3,

and he didn'’t stop, and it
started to, like, worry me,

you know what I mean?
Like, he would--

every time someone
would come over, it was cute.

Like three, four, five,
he would do it.

Anyone that came over,
it was like,

"Hey, this is my son, Jo,"
and my son would be naked

and like,
"Look at my ting-ting!"

and then he'’d run.

And that was funny.

But then
it started getting old, like,

"All right, Jo,
you gotta stop."

It'’s like,
"You'’re six and seven,

it'’s not funny anymore."

And he was doing dumb shit,
like, "Dad!

Ting-ting'’s
eating breakfast again!"

And he'’s got his dick
in a bowl of cereal.

"He'’s eating
Lucky Charms!"

We'’re like,
"Is this gonna stop?

"Is he gonna be, like, 21,
he'’s got his dick

"in a bottle of beer,
'’Dad, ting-ting'’s drunk again!

Nah, he ain'’t driving, though.
He'’s not driving.'’"

He stopped calling it
his ting-ting.

Thank God,
you know what I mean?

He stopped calling it
his ting-ting,

uh, this year.
Eight, eight.

And it'’s sad,
but I was happy,

you know what I mean?
Like, I was sad

'’cause he didn'’t
do it anymore,

but I was happy
'’cause he stopped.

And then, uh...

But he still
plays with his dick.

'’Cause he'’s a boy.
That'’s what boys do.

You know what I mean?
You discover your dick at two,

and you don'’t stop.

I haven'’t.

And every guy in here
hasn'’t stopped either.

There'’s some guys looking at me
like, "Uh, that'’s disgus--"

Man, shut the fuck up.
You--

You do it too.

Guys find stupid reasons
to play with their dick.

No reason, like,

"Is it tax season?
God damn it!

Fuck!"

And there'’s old guys in here.
I see some old guys in here.

They'’re probably like,
"That'’s disgusting.

I would never
have to do that."

He'’s probably
looking at his wife,

"I would never--you know,
I'’ve been married to you

for 25 years.
I would never have to do--"

That fucker
does it the most.

You'’re not as fast
as you used to...

you don'’t have
that young arm anymore...

but you'’re wiser,
you'’re older.

You probably do creative shit
like leave your hand out there

and fuck your hand
like, "Yeah!

Back in my day."

Stopped playing
with his dick.

I mean, he still
plays with his dick, and, uh,

and it'’s hilarious
because, uh,

like, this is
when it happened.

This is when I
caught him one time.

It was the funniest shit.
He was sleeping at my house,

and he was sleeping
right next to me.

And I had my back
turned to him, right?

And he wakes up early.

My son wakes up

at like 7:00 in the morning
all the time.

And all I hear is this, just,
♪ Duh duh duh duh

♪ Duh duh duh duh duh

♪ Duh duh
duh duh duh ♪

♪ Duh duh duh duh
duh duh ♪

And I woke up and I was like,
"What the fuck is he doing?"

And I looked over
my shoulder, and my son

had the hardest eight-year-old
penis I'’ve ever seen.

Like he was dreaming
about Transformers all night,

and we woke up and went,
"Bumblebee!"

and his dick went...
[imitates transforming sound]

And he didn'’t know
what to do with it,

so he was just strumming it
like a guitar, like,

♪ Duh duh duh duh

♪ Duh duh
duh duh ♪

♪ Duh duh duh duh

♪ Duh duh
duh duh ♪

Then he saw me wake up
and goes, "Daddy!"

And I couldn'’t
get mad at him...

'’cause I woke up
with a boner too.

So I just joined in.
I was like...

♪ Duh duh duh duh

♪ Duh duh
duh duh ♪

♪ Duh duh duh duh

Anyways, back to the story.

Back to the ting-ting story.

All right, the reason why
he calls it his ting-ting

is because, like I said,
my mom speaks Tagalog,

and in Tagalog
the penis is called titi.

He heard it, he thought
he heard "ting-ting," all right?

Now this is when it happened.
I'’m gonna tell you guys a story.

There'’s people
that aren'’t Filipino in here.

I'’m gonna tell you a story
about Filipino moms

and their sons.

Now, Filipino moms
do shit to their sons

that may not be
socially accepted in America,

but I just want
you to know, I'’m okay.

Now, I know that'’s a creepy way
to introduce a joke,

but just believe me,
I'’m all right.

Now, my mom
was at my house

when, uh, my son was about
3 1/2, 4 years old, okay?

And he just got done
taking a bath, and he'’s like,

"Daddy, I'’m done taking a bath!
Come and get me!"

Right?
And my mom was like,

"Little Jo,
I'’ll take care of you.

Come to grandma!
Come on, come to grandma!"

And my son was like,
"Grandma!"

And he jumped
out of the bathtub--

wet, naked--
running to his grandma.

"Grandma!
Grandma! Grandma!"

"Come to Grandma!"
"Grandma! Grandma! Grandma!"

"Come to Grandma!"

"Grandma!
Grandma! Grandma!"

And he got right in front
of his grandma,

and my mom grabbed his dick
and went, "I got your titi!"

"Aah!"

And he fucking ran.
"Aah!"

And I laughed.
[laughs]

'’Cause she used to
do that shit to me!

I used to hate it
when my mom grabbed my titi.

And here'’s
the fucked-up part.

My mom would get mad at me
for getting mad at her

for touching my titi.

How fucked up is that?

She'’s like, "I got your titi!"
I'’m like, "Mom!

Don'’t do that!"

[offended gasp]

"Why can I not
touch your titi?"

"'’Cause I'’m 32!"

I love her.
I don'’t know how my mom did it.

You know what I mean?
My mom'’s amazing.

You know what I mean?
She had two kids

that were living at home
at the time when she was,

you know, when she
was single, you know?

And she raised
both of us, uh, really well.

She was amazing.

She became the mother
and the father.

And the reason why
I tell you that is because

she reminded us
every fucking day.

There wasn'’t a day that my mom
didn'’t tell us that.

Just me and my sister
just playing in the room,

playing around,
and then my mom would just

come into the room and go,
"I just want you kids

"to know one thing.

"I'’m the mother
andthe father."

"I bring home the bacon,

and I cook
that motherfucker too."

My mom was tough as shit.

I dare anybody
to fuck with my mom'’s kids.

Dare anybody.
My mom was 4'’10".

She'’ll fight anybody.
She didn'’t give a shit.

That'’s how tough
my mom was.

I remember one time
I was at a shoe store

and I was fucking up
the shoe wall.

You know, the shoe display wall?
Fucking it up.

Just putting shoes
all over the place, right?

And the salesman saw me
and was like,

"Hey,
get the fuck out of here!

Fucking up the shoe wall.
Get the fuck out!"

He'’s cursing at me, right?

He didn'’t know my mom

was in the back
of the store.

He couldn'’t see her.

She'’s 4'’10"!

My mom popped around the corner,
she was like "Hey!

"Who are you talking to?

"You don'’t talk
to my children like that!

"Who are you, huh?

I want to speak
to the manager!"

And the guy started
making fun of my mom'’s accent.

[mocking Filipino]
"Oh, you wanna spek-spek

"to the manager?

Huh? You wanna tok-tok
to the man-a-ger?"

And my mom goes,
"Oh, that'’s funny.

"You'’re making fun
of my accent?

"I live in your country
and I speak two languages:

"Tagalog and English.

"You live here,
how many do you speak?

One? You'’re stupid."

So the guy started cursing
at my mom, right?

He was like, "You know what?
I don'’t need to hear this shit.

"Get the fuck out
of my store!

Take your kid and get
the fuck out of my store!"

Right? So my mom
started cursing back, right?

And I'’ve seen
my mom curse before,

but we'’d never seen her
get into a curse fight.

And when you curse,
certain words go together,

but my mom takes
whatever curse words she knows

and throws '’em at you.

He'’s like,
"Get the fuck out of my store!

And my mom goes, "Oh yeah?
You son of a shit!

"Fuck your pussy has a dick
with shit in it and your pussy

"has a mother,
mothershit, you!

Fuck your pussy, you!"

I looked at my sister, go,
"Did Mom just say '’mothershit'’?"

My mom never hit us, and she
never put us in time-out.

She had something
better than that.

It was called lecturing.

If I did something wrong,
my mom had at least

two hours'’ worth of shit
to say about it.

And it would last so long that
it would just--I would look

at my mom and go, "Mom,
just fucking hit me already.

I don'’t want to hear
your voice anymore."

And if I did something wrong,
it wasn'’t because--

like, if I got
a bad grade in school--

it wasn'’t because
I wasn'’t studying,

it was because
I was trying to kill my mom.

I was physically
trying to kill my mother.

You know what I mean?
Like, my mom would look at me

and go, "Josep,
you'’re getting a D in math?

"Why? Why are you
doing that, Josep?

"I did not come to this country
to give you a better education,

"that way you get a D
and not be successful in life,

"and then you'’re going
to live in poverty.

"That'’s how I live
in the Philippines.

"I do not want you
to do that, Josep.

"Are you trying
to give me heart attack?

"I'’m going to die, Josep.

Why are you going to
do this to me, Josep?"

I'’m like,
"Mom, just fucking hit me.

Hit me, Mom."

If I lost something,
I lost it.

My mom would never
help us find shit, right?

Normal parents--normal parents
help their fucking kids, right?

Normal parents help.
It'’s like, "Okay, what?

"Did you lose something?
Your keys?

"What?
Was it in your pants?

"Well, what jeans?
Were you wearing jeans?

Well, let'’s look
for those jeans."

That'’s how you fucking help
your kids find shit.

Not my mom.
If I lost something,

I can guarantee my mom'’s
right behind me fucking with me.

Right? She enjoys that shit.

If I'’m looking
under the couch,

I guarantee my mom'’s
right behind me like,

"Oh, what?
What? What?

"What? What'’s under--
What'’s under the couch, Josep?

"Is it your keys?

"Did you lose
your keys again?

Oh, maybe they walk
under the couch like that?"

Now I gotta ask
my mom for help.

That'’s the worst mistake
I can make.

"Mom, I late for work.
Do you know where my keys are?"

"Josep, did you just ask me
where your keys are?

"Isn'’t that
a stupid question?

"That is
a stupid question, Josep.

"'’Excuse me, person
that does not drive my car,

"do you know
where my keys are?'’

[laughs]

"That is stupid, Josep!

"Why don'’t you ask me
where my keys are?

"I'’ll know
the answer to that.

"Go ahead, Josep.
Ask me!

Come on!
Ask me right now!"

"Mom, do you know
where your keys are?"

[laughing]
"Of course I do!

"Of course I do, Josep!

"I know where my keys are
all the time.

"You know why, Josep?

"Because I put them
in the same place

"that I always
put my keys.

"I hang them over here, oh.
On this wooden plaque...

"that says '’keys.'’

"Josep,
when you lose something,

"do you use your eyes
to look for it

"or do you use your mouth?

"Because every time
you lose something, Josep,

"you use your mouth
to find something.

"You can'’t find anything
like that, Josep.

"You just walk around,
'’Has anybody seen my keys?

"'’I don'’t know
where my keys are.

"I'’m late for work.'’
Open your eyes!

Look for them!"

The only time my mom
ever got physical with me

was at church.

Weirdest place, right?
Physical at church.

And the reason why is '’cause
when you'’re 10, 11 years old,

you hate church
for the simple fact

that you don'’t--
you gotta sit there

for an hour and a half
on this wooden pew.

And you gotta sit there.

And when you'’re
10, 11 years old,

you don'’t even
have ass meat yet.

It'’s just bone on wood.

That'’s why kids
move around so much,

'’cause they can'’t feel
their asses anymore.

And that guy
won'’t stop preaching.

Just...
[religious vocalizing]

"Josep! Josep!

"Sit up straight!

"What is wrong with you?

"Stop acting
like this, huh?

"I'’m telling you,
this is my last warning.

"You better stop acting
like this, I'’m telling you.

You will not be happy."

[religious vocalizing]

"Josep!

"Turn around!
Turn around!

"Sorry, sorry.

"What is wrong with you?

"Why are you
acting like this?

"You better behave, huh?

"This is
my last warning, huh?

"I'’m telling you right now,

you will not be happy."

And I would taunt my mom,
'’cause we were in church.

I'’m like,
"What are you gonna do?

Are you gonna--
are you gonna hit me?"

And my mom
would take her fingertips,

the tips of her nails,

and she would grab
a pinch of skin--

You know what
I'’m talking about, right?

And she would pinch
so hard I could actually

feel the nails
touch inside of me.

It would hurt so bad
that I would lean in like this,

"Aah!"

And my mom
would whisper in my ear,

"Who'’s laughing now?"

Love my mom.
Retired, finally.

She'’s retired.
Doesn'’t work anymore.

But this is what my mom'’s
doing with her retirement.

She'’s a DJ.

A fucking DJ.
Not a DJ at weddings.

Like, a real DJ
at an AM radio station

with headphones
and everything.

Like, "Hey, everybody!
It'’s DJ Josepine!

"I'’m playing
Filipino music

from the past,
present, and future!"

And it'’s annoying,
'’cause I gotta go to these.

Like, every time
I have a show in Vegas,

I gotta go
to this radio show.

My mom tells me to go.

"Josep,
come to my radio show

and thank all of my listeners
for patronizing your career."

And I have to go and talk
to all 40 of her listeners.

But here'’s the part
that pisses me off the most.

Every time I go in,
she acts like she doesn'’t know

who the fuck I am.

Right?
I walk in, she'’s like,

"Oh, we have a guest!"

And then she starts
rummaging through her papers.

"Oh, it says you'’re a--
a comedian, wow!

"A comedian!

"Well, tell us how it is
to be a comedian, um...

'’Jakway'’?
'’Ja-kway'’?"

"It'’s '’Jo Koy'’...

Mom."

She did not want me
to be a comedian at all.

This is my 19th year
in stand-up,

and when I told my mom
19 years ago that I wasn'’t

going to college,
she cried.

Cried.

"Why, Josep?

"Comedian, really?
That'’s what you want to do?

"There'’s no--there'’s no future
in comedian, Josep.

"There'’s no money
to be made in comedian, Josep.

"What are you, a clown?

"You'’re going
to be clown, Josep?

"How about
if you get sick, Josep?

"There'’s no
health insurance.

"There'’s no health insurance
if you get sick.

"How are you going
to pay the doctor?

"Jokes?

"'’Oh, thank you, doctor.
What do I owe you?

"'’Oh, really?

Knock-knock.'’"

The one person that did
believe in me: my lolaTina.

My grandmother, right?

My grandmother passed away
of cancer, uh,

19 years ago.
Like, she passed away of cancer.

And the cool thing
about my grandmother

is she fought that shit
to the end.

She was diagnosed with it,
and she was supposed to go

like that, and she ended up
fighting that shit

for five years,
and we all--

Yeah, it was amazing.

[cheers and applause]

It was a sad time,
but it was a good time.

You know what I mean?
'’Cause I got to--

We all moved to Vegas.

That'’s why
I moved to Vegas,

is to be
with my grandmother.

And, uh,
and it was a sad time,

but it was a good time,
because, uh, those times

that I was with her,
she would, you know--

I got to meet my grandma.
I got to know my grandma.

She would tell me stories
and I would just sit there

and listen all day.

Man, she would tell me
all kinds of stories,

and I would just listen to her
like, "Are you serious?

"Really, Grandma?

So she used to
lose her keys too, huh?"

Tough as shit, man.
My grandmother was tough.

And I know that'’s where
I got my funny from,

my grandmother,
you know what I mean?

She was funny,
and she would do it indirectly.

Like, catch me off-guard
all the time.

Like, I would
take her to chemo

and we'’re just
driving in the car,

and she'’d be like,
"Josep...

Josep."

I'’m like, "What, grandma?"

"I just want you to know
that when I die--"

I'’m like, "Grandma,
don'’t say that.

I don'’t like it
when you talk like that."

"No, it'’s okay.

"Why can I not
talk about that?

"I'’m gonna go to Heaven.

You don'’t want me
to go to Heaven?"

One time, we were sitting
on the couch, right?

And my--
and we'’re watching TV.

It'’s a true story.
This is so fucked up.

She goes,
"Josep. Josep."

I go,
"What, Grandma? What?"

She'’s like, "I just want you
to know that when I--

when I pass away--"

I'’m like, "Grandma, please.
Don'’t talk like that.

I don'’t like it
when you talk--"

"No, it'’s okay, Josep.

"I am okay with it,
you should be okay with it also.

"But when I pass away,
I just want you to know

"that every time
you go to sleep...

"I'’m going to be
watching you.

"Sometimes,
I will tickle your toes,

"and you'’ll wake up

"and then you'’ll
look at your feet,

and then I'’ll go,
'’Ahhh.'’"

One time, I was taking her back,
right, from chemo,

and I laid her
on her bed, right?

I put her on the bed,
and I go,

"Lola,if you need anything,
just call me.

"I'’ll be right here.
I'’ll take care of you, okay?

Just call me."
She'’s like, "Okay, Josep.

Love you."
I go, "I love you."

And I started to walk out,
and she goes, "Josep!

Bless me!
Bless me!"

If you'’re not Filipino, let me
tell you what blessing is.

This is what we do
with our elders.

When you leave, and you say
good-bye to your elders,

this is what we do.

Can you stand up?
Just stand--

let me touch your--
get your hand,

and you touch
the forehead like that.

It'’s a sign of respect.
That'’s what we do.

We don'’t look at our elders
and go, "Fuck you, peace."

We don'’t do that.

"Bye, bitch."
And then walk.

We show respect.
That'’s what you do.

And she was like,
"Josep, bless me.

You can'’t live without
blessing your grandmother."

And I was like,
"Oh, my God, grandma.

I'’m so sorry.
I'’ll be right there."

And I go,
and I grab her hand, right.

And I go to touch my forehead,
and before I touch my forehead,

she grabbed my dick and went,
"I got your titi!"

I went, "Fuck!"

Ragh!

Pretty sure that'’s
where my grandma--

my mom got all, you know,
her personality from.

My mom is a spitting image
of my grandmother.

And it'’s cool, I love it.

Any time my mom needed
to get her point across,

she knew how to do it.

'’Cause I never listen to my mom.
I always do that.

You know what I mean?

I just go, "Mom, are you
serious? No, that'’s ridiculous."

And I'’d just walk away from her,
and she gets mad, right?

But she always
found a way to tell me

that I was doing
something wrong,

or she needed
to show me, like,

"Josep, you need to correct
this. Here'’s why."

One time, like--

I suffer from this thing
called sleep apnea, okay.

If you don'’t know
what sleep apnea is,

just ask one of the nurses
inside the building.

They'’ll tell you.

It'’s a form of snoring,
only it'’s worse.

It'’s worse than snoring.
I choke when I sleep.

And I'’m loud. I'’m so loud
that I wake myself up.

And you gotta see the way
I sleep. It'’s disgusting.

Like, this is what--
this is how--

This is what I look like
when I sleep.

[tries to snore
through closed throat]

Aah! Who is it?
Who'’s out there?

I didn'’t know
I had sleep apnea.

My mom told me
I had sleep apnea.

I was asleep at her house
about six years ago,

sleeping in the guest room,

the same way I always do,
just like this--

[choked snoring]

And I woke up--
[gasping]

My mom'’s at the foot
of the bed like this.

"Oh, my God, Josep!

You'’re dying!"

I go, "Mom, I'’m not dying,
I'’m snoring."

"Josep, that is not snoring.
You look like this...

"Josep, you have to go to a
doctor and get that checked out,

"I'’m telling you,
you'’re going to die,

"and I don'’t want you
to die, Josep,

because I'’ll die of heart attack
if you die, oh, my God, Josep--"

"Mom, I'’m not gonna go
to a doctor for snoring.

How long were you watching me?
That'’s creepy."

And I kicked her out.
"Get outta here!

Get outta here, Mom!"

"I'’m sorry, Josep.

"I did not mean
to startle you,

"it'’s just that I was
walking to the kitchen,

"and I heard a noise
coming from the guest room.

"It sounded like...

"someone was
killing a bear.

"And I was like,
'’I don'’t have a bear.'’

"So I opened the door,

"and I noticed that
it was just you, Josep.

"Snoring.

"So, I'’m sorry. You don'’t
have to go to a doctor.

"Just go to sleep.

"Go to sleep.

...and die."

So, I went back to sleep.
Same shit.

[choked snoring]

And I woke up.
[gasping]

My mom'’s at the foot of the bed
with a fucking camcorder.

"I got it all
on videotape!"

"You fucking recorded me?"

"Uh-huh, Josep,
I put it on videotape,

"that way you can see
what I'’m talking about, Josep.

"It'’s not right,
watch the videotape,

you'’ll go to a doctor, Josep,
please watch it--"

I'’m like, "All right, Mom,
I'’ll watch the videotape!

I can'’t believe
you recorded me, Mom."

"Just watch the tape."
"All right, put it in."

And she put the tape in.

Before she pressed play,
this is what my mom did.

"Everybody,
come downstairs!

"We'’re going to watch
Josep sleep.

It'’s scary!"

She pressed play.
I watched it.

It'’s the creepiest video
you'’ll ever see.

It'’s shot in that--
that black light.

You know what I mean? Like,
that surveillance video shit.

It'’s pitch-dark in the hallway,
my mom can'’t even see herself,

she'’s just standing
in front of the camera,

and she'’s documenting
the whole thing like she'’s--

she'’s on Discovery.

"We'’re outside my son'’s room.
He says that--

"that he is snoring, and I told
him that he is not snoring.

"So, I'’m going to get this
on videotape.

"That way, he'’ll see it,
and then go to a doctor.

Um, let'’s take
a closer look."

I watched the videotape.
It'’s horrible.

It'’s horrible,
and I saw myself sleeping,

I couldn'’t believe it.

I ended up going to
a sleep center.

I had to go there. They had to
monitor my sleeping behavior.

You know what I mean?

The doctor put
all these wires on my toes,

these wires
on my fingertips,

this chest pad
to monitor my heart,

they put this crown on my head
to monitor my brain waves.

When the doctor
put all that shit on me,

he was like, "All right,
you can sleep now."

I was like...

I was like,
"Are you fucking kidding me?

I look like
a Christmas tree."

When I fell asleep--

I can sleep in any
situation back then, man,

and I fell asleep.

The doctor let me sleep about
15 minutes, maybe 15 minutes.

And he kicked
the door open.

Scared the shit out of me.

Like, he literally
kicked the door open.

[imitates kick]
"Get up!"

I was like--
[gasping]

Piss.

He goes, "How long
you been sleeping like this?"

I go, "My whole life."

He goes, "Holy shit!"

He goes, "I'’m surprised
you'’re not dead yet!"

I go, "Why?"

He goes, "You sleep
like a 400-pound obese man."

I go, "Are you serious?"

He goes,
"Yeah, I'’m serious.

"We monitor how many times
you wake up a minute.

Want to know how many times
you wake up a minute?"

I go, "How many times?"

He goes,
"60 times a minute."

There'’s only 60 seconds
in a minute.

That means I'’ve been sleeping
like this my whole life...

Ka! Ka! Ka! Ka! Ka!

Ka! Ka! Ka! Ka! Ka! Ka!

He wanted to perform surgery
that week.

He goes, "I want to cut
your soft palate out,

"and your tonsils out.

"That way you breathe better.
You have a passage--

An open passage
for you to breathe better."

And I was like, "Well, how long
is the healing process?"

He goes,
"About three months."

I go, "I can'’t do that.

I'’m on the road every week,
I can'’t do that."

He goes, "Well, there is
an alternative."

I go, "What?"

He goes, "A CPAP machine."

Yeah. A CPAP machine.

If you don'’t know
what a CPAP machine is,

I have to wear
this mask on my face.

All right, these two straps
go behind my head.

It looks like I have
a jockstrap on my face.

This hose goes out
into a machine,

I press power,
and it blows air down my throat.

But when I wear it,
I sleep like an angel.

Just--
[purrs]

Every now and then,
I'’ll knock the straps off.

[snaps]

It'’s like
a scene from Aliens.

I don'’t tell any girl
about this machine

until the first night
we do it.

'’Cause if I tell her before,
it'’s a deal breaker.

No girl is gonna
sleep with a guy

with a fuckin'’ machine
next to his bed.

She walks into the room, and she
sees that machine, she'’s like,

"What the fuck is that?"

And I just
look at her and go...

[deep, distorted voice]
"How are you feeling?"

I love you so much,
you guys. Thank you.

[cheers and applause]

[hip-hop music]

♪

[cheers and applause]

This is him right here.

[cheers and applause]

I go, "Jo, I'’m gonna
take you to the show."

He goes, "Cool, I'’ll wear
my Jabbawockeez shirt, Dad."

[laughter]

Is this cool or what?

Where'’s your titi?
No.

He'’ll show you, asshole.

[laughter]

[cheers and applause]

I love you guys so much.
Thank you.

[cheers and applause]

I love you.

Hey, um, remember what I said
about my mom and her gold.

- Oh...
- Did I not say it?

- Yeah.

- In the car, I go,
"How much you wanna bet

my mom'’s gonna have
a ton of gold on?"

- Oh--
[laughs]

- "It'’s an event.
I'’m going to wear gold."

[laughter]

♪