All language subtitles for Hunderby 2012 - S02E01 - Episode 1 1080p webdl AMZN ddp20 nosub x264-Cinefeel.eng.SDH

[LAUGHING]

[BOTH LAUGHING]

[GIGGLING]

[LAUGHING]

[YELPS]

Helene. Helene!

[GIGGLES]

-A-ha!
-[CHUCKLES]

[GASPS AND LAUGHS]

Graham,
where are thy breeches?

I mean to have thee.

[MOANS]

Oh! [CHUCKLES]

Oh!

[MUMBLING]

[HELENE CHUCKLES]

[PANTING] Oh, Helene.

-[MOANING] Jostle him,
jostle him.
-[MOANING]

-[MOANING] Do you
feel him biggin'?
-Yes.

He is bigging.
Oh, he is bigging.

[BOTH MOANING]

-His hood is on. 'Tis off.
-Yes.

-'Tis on. 'Tis off
-[MOANING]

Oh, pump him.
Yeah, pump him swiftly now.

-Pump him swiftly... Wait!
-[MOANING] Yeah!

[GASPS]

-I'm about to arrive.
-Oh!

[BOTH MOANING]

Oh, Helene.
I'm arriving forthwith.

-I'm arriving...
-HESTHER: Good day, Graham.

-[GASPS] Hesther!
-Good day, Helene.

Such a beautiful day.

-Oh.
-I was out
collecting bluebells

and teasels for father.

I'm not disturbing?

Nay.

Graham and I were merely,
um, taking exercise.

I fancy I heard the playful
whickering of
badgers just now.

Badgers?

Oh, yes, yes,
they are most busy
this time of year.

Did you want anything,
Hesther?

I have a basket of nibblies.

I thought we might enjoy
a family picnic. [CHUCKLES]

Mmm.

What, now?

[GROANS AND GRUNTS]

-[CREAKING]
-[GROANING]

[EXHALES]

'Tis a joy to see thee perch
there like a lusty whippet,

where once you were
but a lolling dog.

And all thanks to my [INHALES]
constant care.

Well, I should rather be
bedolled once more

that I might be spared this
prandial abortion.

Oh, my egg is runny as a nose.

My sausage platter's
a most sinister pink.

Ugh.

What do you call that?

Um... Egg, ma'am.

I call that yellow diarrhoea.

That is the sort of thing
I would expect to see
from a dog's rear end

on Christmas morning.

Now, please, fetch Mr Edmund,

a fresh breakfast forthwith.

[CLATTERING]

[SIGHS] I'm sorry, sir,
standards have slipped.

Your illness has kept me more
at your bedside as wife
than housekeeper.

Well,
I'm all but recovered now.

Ye are fit then to
take on a new wife?

I see no hurry.

[LAUGHING]

Tongues will wag,
an unmarried pastor.

You could have your pick of
the shire's finest ladies.

I should, erm, certainly like
to offer myself up.

Hmm, to aid my search.
Thank you, Dorothy.

Nay, nay, as a candidate.

[SPUTTERING]

[LAUGHING]

You? Oh!

With all due respect,
I would seek
a woman young and fresh.

You cannot honestly think
I would ever consider you.

[CHUCKLES]

I am fresh within
as any of young maid,

though my trouser mouth
may have boldened a touch.

If hear one more word
about your rancid nethers...

From which I birthed thee
a son and daughter.

One more word!

Or I shall be forced to
ask you to leave
this household.

You would have
me leave Hunderby?

It would be refreshing
to take on new staff.

I've long thought
how much I would [INHALES]

thrive to be attended upon
by a nimble young footman.

[HUFFS] After all
I have done for thee.

[INHALES DEEPLY]

'Tis not your holy duty
to right the wrong

you wronged
the night you raped me?

Since you tell me
I was drugged
by my mother to facilitate

the wretched event,
I hardly think
myself culpable.

Oh!

You would have
me leave Hunderby?

Wander destitute,
forced to sell my body

for a crust of bread?

I would rather hang myself
from the nearest tree.

What you choose to do outside
this parish is your business.

Where is my egg?

I want my eggy.

I want my eggy, now!

[CLEARS THROAT]

[SIGHS]

[PANTING]

We are home.

Master and
the mistress of Hunderby.

Not quite yet.

But soon.

And once we're wed,

I challenge anyone
to break our
perfect happiness.

Oh.

Ah. Mother?

I expect Babby will be hungry

after his outdoor exertions,
ma'am.

Biddy will take him sup.

-[WHIMPERING]
-Oh.

Are thy teats still
shy to spurt, my love?

I...

They are rather tender.

Master Ronald was born with
a full set of teeth, sir.

-Mmm.
-Leaving poor
Mistress' nipples

little more than
tattered warts.

Well.

Thy babbies have always
given me the greatest
of pleasure, my lamb,

even if they are as
grizzled bed knobs to our son.

[MOANS]

[CHUCKLES]

You still have them?

Thy secret night hairs. Aye.

Woven about with
forget-me-nots.

Perhaps I may be permitted

to take a fresh pressing?

[SNIPS SCISSORS]

[CHUCKLING]

Ah, Dorothy.

[SNIFFS] What a welcome whiff.

Oh, thank you, sir.

'Tis a while since I've
had a man admire my scent.

I meant the coffee.

Might I replenish
your gaping beaker, sir?

Ah, nay, nay.

I really should not.
I've supped so many this morn,

that my tongue is
quite as greenied
as any a bouncing frog.

Mmm.

Erm,
but, I should like another.

And perhaps if there are
any dainties left?

Well...

[CHUCKLES] 'Tis a joy to see
a mother unafraid of
feeding her new shape.

Is it not, Dr Foggerty?

Indeed.

[CLEARS THROAT]

I fear mistress
overtires herself.

She looks so drawn these days.

Well, nay, Mother.

-She's ne'er been happier.
-Mmm.

Perhaps 'tis just the way time
tugs the features of the lip.

There was even prattle
in the village that she had
suffered a stroke.

But I said nay, 'tis just the
palsied droop of motherhood.

We pay no heed to the gossip
of village boobies.

Forgive my poking nose, sir.

Only,
is all well betwixt thee?

Only I note you
keep separate chambers.

Well, nay.

Well, just until my annulment
from Hesther arrives.

Oh, well, thank heavens.
[CHUCKLES]

For, I know poor mistress
is most ashamed of her
butchered belows.

She cries to catch
any glimpse down there.

But I've said too much.

Nay.

Speak of thou know
ought that I do not.

The child's head
was unusually large, sir.

Not unlike a baby buffalo.

I know of no woman
who could've
borne such a girth,

apart, perhaps, from Biddy,

who did birth
a giant simpleton
30 year ago this day.

I see.

I know a gentleman can take
solace in his
wife's back place

when she has
passed a child, but

even Helene's brown side
hath been rendered useless.

But nature hath
a wonderful way of healing.

I'm sure he will oblige.

Have you seen down there?

Not lately.

I would urge the ne'er
to look again, sir.

Unless you will be forever
haunted by the vision of
an exploded shark.

[FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING]

Ooh, forgive me but...

'Tis Master Edmund,
he hath taken a terrible turn.

Ah.

This is most peculiar.

I fear The Reaper hovers near.

Nay.

Perhaps he but
pranged his cranium.

'Tis most
perplexing when he was
so much revived. I may try

a raspberry salve.

-[SCREAMS]
-[SHRIEKS]

He hath been rendered naught
but a shrieking turnip.

Hush-ho!

Oh, but his brain
hath gone to a pulp.

See how it flows
from his mouth!

[INDISTINCT MUTTERING]

[SPUTTERING]

-Hmm.
-[SNIFFS]

[BELL TOLLING]

Good morning.

Pastor John! [CHUCKLES]

We are pleased to
welcome thee here

to a tender, humble flock.

[LAUGHS]

I am Hesther Foggerty.

Ah, yes. I had heard
there was
a cripple in the village.

I see your body
is quite as twisted
and useless as rumour had it.

-Yes.
-With a face to match.

I have a cripple
here also, Pastor John.

[DOROTHY LAUGHING]

Ah, this must be our
poor Brother Edmund.

Yes, he hath taken
a terrible downturn, Pastor,

just as he was set
to resume his ministry.

Well, I'm honoured
to carry Christ's baton

until he is fit once more
to purge his
parish of inequity.

[INCOHERENT LOUD GIBBERISH]

Aw, he wants his bubbly milk.

He loves his
bubbly milk, Pastor.

It keeps his,
his bowel lines smooth,

for he battles to force
any stools through, nowadays.

It's usually once a month.

-Oh, dear.
-Although, praise be,

he did birth two
big fat dry sausages
from his back place this morn.

Lord, we thank ye.

[GRUNTS]

Do we have a, a wife, Pastor?

Nay, nay, our Lord hath been
my life's companion,

although, of late,
Shook hath told me

I may benefit from
the services of a woman.

Well, there's rich pickings

for a bachelor here
in Hunderby, Pastor.

You've got,
um, well, Giant Geddy.
[CHUCKLES]

Myself.

Dorothy.

HELENE: Good day, doggy.

Aren't you a handsome prince!
Yes, you are.

Shook cannot usually abide
the touch of a woman.

My sweet Helene could tame
three-headed Cerberus himself.

I am Dr Foggerty, sir.

-Good day.
-Foggerty?

Ye are kin to
our saintly cretin?

It was...
I was married to Dr Foggerty.

But it transpired
we were born of
the same mother.

-Mistress Dorothy.
-Pastor John hath no interest

in clambering our family tree.
Thank you, Pastor.

-[EDMUND MUMBLING LOUDLY]
-My marriage to Hesther was

unnatural, sir,
and is soon to be dissolved.

So, this Helene is...

-Not your wife?
-Not quite.

But it'll all be square
with the magistrate
soon enough.

Uh, you'd be wise to square
it with your God, first.

[NEIGHING]

I love this time of year,

when Lady May doth spray her

misty drizzle upon
ones whorey cheek.

'Tis not Lady May's,
but my drizzle.

My lamb.
Why fountains thine eye?

Do ye tyre of my
seasonal reflections?

Nay. 'Tis...

The new pastor.

He did fill me
with such disquiet
that we are not yet wed.

But we shall be.

I requested the annulment
from the magistrate weeks ago.

Godspeed, horse Matthew.

[HORSE NICKERS]

HELENE: Oh. Poor Hesther,
it troubles me to
have her so near.

Hmm.
Speaking of her mouth pong?

No, not just that.

I fear she holds
hard against me

to see me living in the
big house whilst she doth
dwell in that hovel

like some lowly cur.

I believe she doth
prefer the simple life.

I flush with
guilt to be so happy,
so healthy, whilst...

Ye did render her
a mangled dumpling.

Oh, think ye I do
not daily regret
that blackened boozing night.

I do all I can to make amends.

But I will talk to Hesther,

if my lamb thinks
her life's so unjust.

Oh.

Oh, Graham.

-Love me.
-Oh, I love thee.

-How I love thee.
-Nay.

[WHISPERS] With thy body.

-What? Here? Now?
-Yes.

-You do not want to?
-Nay, nay, I... I do.

-But thy belows
art somewhat...
-What?

I'm unappealing there?

Nay, nay, nay! I mean,
I simply do not want to
further disfig...

-Oh!
-Wait!

Please. There's no need
to hurry, my love.

We have a lifetime
to explore each other.

[CHUCKLES]

[GRUNTING]

More wren soup, Father?

[GROANS]

-[GRUNTS]
-Oh! [CHUCKLES]

-Not to worry,
we shall try again.
-[CONTINUES GROANING]

-[GRUNTS]
-Oh. Oh!

-[BANGS]
-Oh.

[CHUCKLING] No matter.
No matter.

[GAGGING]

I could do with
a little snoozy myself.

Oh.

But I know this tincture.

Graham bothered such a bottle,
in his darkest hours.

It would render
him quite useless.

What in heavens are you doing
snivelling about
under your father's bed

like some truffling sow?

I fell and...
And found this, Dorothy!

Mother! [CHUCKLES]

[GASPS]

And you would
begrudge your father

respite from his agonies,
would ye?

Prescribed by our
very own Dr Foggerty.

Well, forgive me, I...
I thought perhaps...

I suggest you keep that
cripple beak from that which
does not concern thee.

Now, get up, get up.

-Come, get up.
-Thank you.

Get up. Lazy oaf.

-[GROANS]
-Ooh, ooh!

-Oh. Oh. Thank you.
-[GRUNTING]

-God. Like a cadaver.
-Thank you.

Oh, sorry, Father.

Now. 'Tis time to change
your bottom napkins, sir.

-[GROANING]
-'Tis less than 10 minutes

since last I changed it.

Well, 'tis best to
freshen him off below, for

he is apt to get most matted
and pimply down there.

[GROANS LOUDLY]

And then I always like
to cream his mushroom after.

[EXCLAIMS SOFTLY]

DOROTHY: Oh, there.

There we are.

There we are.

-[GROANS]
-Oh, he likes that.

[DOROTHY SIGHS]

[SQUELCHING]

Mother.

Mother.

Think thee such caring
intimacies appropriate?

Well, we are so
nearly man and wife.

[GROANS]

Well, last night,
when the invalid
fog lifted briefly,

he shrieked what I'm certain
was my name.

And he plunged this ring
deep upon my love finger.

[EXCLAIMS EXCITEDLY]
Oh, let me see.

-I know.
-[BOTH GIGGLE]

'Tis the Hunderby family ring.

'Tis it not his mother's ring?

That she was buried with?

-[CONTINUES GROANING]
-Hmm? Oh. Here.

He wants me to carry on.

[EDMUND CONTINUES GROANING]

[KNOCKING AT THE DOOR]

Who is it?

'Tis I, Graham.

Oh, uh...

One moment.

[BREATHING HEAVILY]

[BLOWS AND SNIFFS] Mmm!

Come in.

Oh, greetings, Graham.
[CHUCKLES]

Your first visit. [CHUCKLES]

What brings thee now
to my simple hutch?

To see that ye are happy here.

I do worry... Helene worries,
that when darkness falls
and Mistress Spring

wraps us in her chilly
night cape and dons her
frosty moon bonnet,

that ye may be
uncomfortable here.

But, perhaps, ye are... fine?

Oh, I am used to solitude now.

And the mice do
make for pleasant
company, come nightfall.

Might ye not be more at ease
in the main house?

Oh, nay, nay.
I should hate to be a burden.

Besides,
my evenings are quite full.

By the time I have
dressed my oozing stump

and passed a rag
about my personals,
'tis time for bed.

And Christ hath
always gifted me
with a patchwork of slumber

betwixt the stabbing pains
and night terrors.

Well, 'tis a relief
to see thee happy here.

[CLEARS THROAT] I...

Oh.

Oh, nay, Graham, 'tis private.

Oh, Graham,
please avert thy gaze,
'tis but girlish doodles.

Hesther... Is this...

[WHIMPERS]

Oh, gads!

-My letter to the magistrate.
-Oh.

This is why we
have no annulment.

Hesther, you said
you would deliver this!

I must have forgot
betwixt knitting bonnets
for baby Ronald

-and attending my own sores.
-Oh, Hesther.

Oh, Graham, please, please,
do not loathe me.

I could not bear
to sever our holy marriage

as you and your horse did
sever the feeling in my
legs that dread night.

Christ,
will no one let me forget?
'Twas Brother Booze, not I!

And remember,
Hesther, my sister,

our union was ne'er natural.

Not even when we were ignorant
of the secret of
our twin birth?

When we did lay
sticky together
as man and wife.

Oh, Graham, please, tell me
I was not wholly
unloved and disgusting.

-[CRYING]
-Nay...

-Not wholly.
-[WHIMPERS]

I will not speak
of this sorry shrine

if ye will
release me from my past

and let me begin
afresh with Helene.

Will ye?

Yes.

[SIGHS]

-I best take this.
-Oh, Graham, oh.

Oh,
you do not trust me, please.

Please, let me make amends
and I will send it forthwith,
please.

-I only want your happiness.
-Hesther, I...

-Very well.
-Thank you.

Well...

If I did not know of
your tropical travels,
Brother Joseph,

I might think we'd been
visited by
a giant burnt hazelnut.

-Oh, indeed, Dorothy.
-[BOTH LAUGH]

And you are still the colour
of an old winter parsnip.

[BOTH LAUGH]

How's Ruth?

Not well.

Might I tempt thee
to another finger sandwich?

Ooh! [CHUCKLES]

'Tis a most
compelling flavour. [LAUGHS]

Burst calf brains
on a lardy bed.

Not unlike poor Master Edmund.

He hath taken a most savage
downturn of late.

I fear you maybe
rather shocked
by his appearance.

He is little more
than a husk in a sheet.

My wife, Ruth, is the same.

What is actually
wrong with Ruth?

[SIGHS]

No one knows.

She simply grows browner,

and dryer,

each year.

[SING-SONG] Hello.

Ah! Brother Joseph!

Dr Foggerty...

-Crippled Hesther.
-Brother Joseph!

[GROANING]

He cried out my name.

-Did ye hear?
-Gas, most likely.

Passing along his pipes
by chance in
the shape of your name.

A gift from the tropics,
Brother.

'Tis a red-bottomed macaque.

[SCREECHES LOUDLY]

[GASPS AND MUTTERS]

Yes, he's
a charming little fellow,
isn't he?

[SNARLS]

Come, boy! Come, boy.

Come, boy.

We are

most perplexed by my father's
sudden relapse,
Brother Joseph.

Spinal sheath
rolled but smoothied.

And his
cerebella's strong but now...

-[SPOON CHIMING]
-[GROANS]

Naught but numbness.

I might try my
primrose salve again.

I wonder, Graham,

whether father's mental mist
might clear a little

if you stop
prescribing him laudanum.

Laudanum?

Well,
I prescribed no such thing.

-'Tis the devil's juice.
-Oh.

But, Dorothy doth
administer it throughout
the day in his bubbly milk.

Gads.

No wonder he's little more
animated than a table.
Laudanum?

What have thee to say, woman?

I say I have done
nothing of the sort

except offer the poor man
occasional relief
from his suffering.

Oh, but, Dorothy...

Please, Hesther,
please do not strike me.

-But I...
-No more, I can take no more

-of thy lashes...
-DR FOGGERTY: Hold.

-I did not...
-Hold, ladies. Hold, hold.

The damage is done.

-[MACAQUE SCREECHING]
-Hold, hold.

Now, first and foremost,

we must wean poor father
from this terrible tincture

and mark me,
'twill not be easy.

Indeed.
My holy mission once took me
to the opium dens of Shanghai

where I did ease
many a young man through his
passage from the poppy.

-[CHURCH BELL CHIMING]
-[GROANING]

DOROTHY:
And he plunged this ring
deep upon my love finger.

DR FOGGERTY:
'Tis the devil's juice.

[VOICES OVERLAPPING IN DREAM]

BROTHER JOSEPH:
...ease many a young man
through his passage...

[VOICES CONTINUING]

EDMUND: I want my eggy!

Ah. [SIGHS]

[DOOR CLOSES]

Graham, is that thee?

Nay, Hesther. It is I, Helene.

Uh, Graham is in the woods
tending
an outbreak of syphilis

amongst the poor
gypsy children.

Oh. His heart is so big,
he loves all God's creatures.

[CHUCKLES] None above thee
though, of course.

In truth, dear Hesther...

[SIGHS] I fear his passion
hath staled of late.

Was it thus when
you were married?

Nay,
'twas all I could do to keep
Graham from my wily garden.

Oh, I thought you two had not
lain together for many years.

Is that what he told you?

Oh, well, men all want to
bend the truth

like a banana
to save a lady's feelings.

Oh.

I'm just surprised

he could manage
to love us both.

Graham is quite
remarkable in the energy
and volume of his outpourings.

But, I'm sure you will kerb
his roving trouser. [CHUCKLES]

Dash!

Have ye seen my
embroidery scissors?

Tsk. Um...

Oh.

What is this?

Oh, no.

It is our annulment request.

I did wonder why
it was taking such an age.

Why hath he not sent it?

What... I cannot think.

Unless...

Unless, he is in no hurry
to marry again. Oh.

[SIGHS]

Ah! My lamb.

I bring for thee a posy of
lucky lavender from
the gypsy children.

Go away and ne'er come back!

[HELENE CRYING]

My lamb?

Helene!

Helene!

How's Ruth?

Not well.

'Tis a joy to see thee
so swiftly mended though, sir.

Thanks to you.

'Twas a tonic to be tended
by a brother in a house
teeming with females.

And what of your new status
as father and grandfather?

'Tis baffling.
I cannot recall the event.

Dorothy tells me
I was drugged.

I believe you'd have to be.

-Did Ruth bear more children?
-She did.

But I struggled to, er, let go
within her fleshy yolk.

Mmm. I was the same with
my first wife, Arabelle.

The sheer size
of her fuzzy scoon
did turn my stomach,

Ruth's was very small and dry.

Anything?

[CLICKS TONGUE]
Still numb as pipe.

[GASPS] What shall I wear
for tonight's merriment?

My aubergine trouser suit
or the apple-green gerubim?

Mmm-hmm.

I'm most curious
to meet this new pastor.

Are you not?

Brother, I... I am.

But I must confess, [SIGHS]

I have a burden
as heavy as my soul

like a soiled napkin.

Truth be told,

I have come here
as something of a fugitive,

forced to flee...

From Ruth?

Nay, nay, though a break
is always welcome.

[SIGHS] My holy mission
to save young
brown men's souls

seems to have offended
the church
authorities somewhat.

Hmm.

Are these fanciful images?

Nay, nay,
all drawn from memory.

Wonderful memories.

There are so
many willing mortals
to be had in Polynesia?

Most were willing.
Some needed a little cajoling.

He was deaf, which helped.

But I fear the new pastor
might also misunderstand

my unique method.

I have a notion,
if you might care

-to see this method in play.
-Oh, no.

Oh, the satisfaction of seeing
yet another young,
upturned face

brought closer to Christ
by Captain Finger.

[SIGHS]

I thought you
might like one of...

Mistress Arabelle's old gowns,
now that she is dead.

But, it is far too large.

Well, 'tis just...

[GROANS]

Should your baby bearing width
not subside.

'Tis always
a delicate time for a mother
after she has passed a child.

She becomes a dumpy,
desire-less figure,

with little to
interest the father,
no sparkle left

to remind him why
had he loved her.

-Hath Graham said something?
-About your boxy shape?

-He said I have a boxy shape?
-Did he?

Perhaps we might distract him
by painting
your droopy cheeks.

Nay!

Graham,
he loves me well as I am.

-[WHISPERING] He hates you.
-Beg your pardon?

Sorry, ma'am, what?
I said nothing.

Oh.

[WHISPERING]
Except he hates you.

Again!

-Who hates me?
-[GIGGLES] Sorry,
who hates who, ma'am?

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

Uh,
Master Foggerty did request

that I try and cook
some chest juice out of you.

-Uh, for poor Babby Ronald?
-Oh, did he?

Oh, my. [GIGGLES]

That's a porky
pair of toffees.

[MOANING]

[BIRDS SCREECHING]

EDMUND: Think you will find
young men in need of
Christian guidance here?

BROTHER JOSEPH: Many young
gypsy vagabonds do
dwell in these woods.

You look most sinister
in that hood, Brother.

'Tis just to keep the cold
from my flapping ears.

-I'm used to
warmer climes. Ah.
-Huh?

I think he looks as if
he may be in need of help.

Does he?

-In what way?
-I saw him first.

Lead on, Captain Finger!

Wait! Do not leave me
here alone, Brother!

Brother Joseph!

-[BRANCH BREAKING]
-[BIRD SQUAWKING]

[FLUTE PLAYING]

Hello?

Hello?

[MUSIC CONTINUES]

Who's there?

[CHUCKLES] Good day.

[OWL HOOTING]

-[CHATTERING]
-[UTENSILS CLANGING]

You look divine, Helene.

[CHATTERING]

[CLANGING]

[CLEARS THROAT]

As we are all aware,

my continued
devotion to Master Edmund

hath brought him
back to full health.

So, tonight is a celebration
of both my unrivalled loyalty

and Master Edmund's
return as pastor of Hunderby.

There will be
a three-rodent supper

ranging from rat to shrew.

Followed by entertainment
from those that can.

Master Edmund and myself
will be dueting.

[CHUCKLES]

So, a toast.

[GRUNTING]

To Master Edmund...

-Master Edmund!
-Master Edmund!

And myself.

[CLANGING]

[CHATTERING]

So, do ye still
seek a wife here, Pastor?

-Hmm, I do.
-Hmm.

You have a glow about you.

BIDDY: Oh, thank you.

And it is as if ye
had eaten the moon.

BIDDY: Oh, well, I have
made you a gift,
actually, Pastor.

It's just some winter bockers.

Wool is scarce
this time of the year, so...

I took the liberty
of unravelling my own
and re-knitting.

No, thank you.

I have rinsed them through,
but there might
still be a few bits.

Ugh.

I wear Hessian
bockers as a rule,

Biddy, therefore

I find the constant chafing,
um, puts me in mind of
Christ on the cross.

Oh, I never knew Christ
wore bockers on the cross.

Hmm, what is that, Shook?

Ah, um, Shook asks if we
might share the first dance.

Oh.

-Yes, of course.
-Ah.

My lamb, please tell me
of what I am guilty.

You know full well.

-I don't...
-HESTHER: Sorry, Graham?

Um,
may I trouble thee to help

wheel me to the closet?

Uh... [SIGHS]

-Yes, yes of course.
-[GIGGLES]

Oh.

Thank you, Graham.

Oh!

-[GRUNTS]
-Oh.

-[THUDS]
-[GASPING]

Thank you, Graham.

'Tis just a tinkle, I think.

HESTHER: Oh, oh, Graham?

I wonder if you
mind staying close by
just in case there's big ones.

[LAUGHING]

Might I tempt thee
to a third mouse, Pastor John?

-Nay, my gullet is
already over-clumped.
-EDMUND: Oh, 'tis!

I'm not sure I've ever
ingested quite so much
fur in one sitting.

If I'm not careful,
I will grow a tail. [LAUGHS]

I trust not.

[SIGHS]

We simply wanted
to feed you up,
Pastor John,

before your
journey to pastures new.

Hmm, I do not intend
to leave Hunderby until I have

secured a wife.

Tonight?

[CHUCKLES]

Well, that would
be ideal, but first

I must finish my task
as Christ's holy scooper

eking Satan's filthy eggs
from the hearts of
every wretched sinner

that flourishes here.

This parish is heavy cursed
with liars,
adulterers, murderers

and, of course,
the worst kind of sinner.

Oh, and what would
that be, Minister?

The unnatural man
that seeks to dwell in
the bottoms of other men.

Well, there are no such
men like that in Hunderby,

-are there, Brother Edmund?
-Nay, nay, nay.

They're everywhere!

An invisible plague
of filthy brown jousters

grips this land
like a whore's mouth.

Only this afternoon,
shockened,

I did catch a clutch
of gypsy boys peddling
their wares in the woods.

I know the gypsies.

They mean no harm.

Oh, but they do, sir.

They have confessed as much.

[WHISPERS] Confessed?

Aye, sir.

They were beat a bloody black
as we did seal up
their back places.

Soon,
we shall have descriptions

of each and every man
that hath visited the woods

and paid these foul vagrants
to service their
heinous desires.

Minister,
what will happen to such men?

They will hang.

Every last one.

-Hallelujah! [CHUCKLES]
-Hallelujah!

-[CLEARS THROAT]
-Oh, Master Edmund! [GIGGLING]

He is quite the lusty octopus
since his recovery.

[GROANS]

[GIGGLES]

-[GROANING]
-[GIGGLING]

♪ Ding dong bell
Pussy in the well

♪ One a penny, two a penny

♪ Ding dong dell

♪ Who put her in

♪ Little Johnny Flynn

♪ One a penny, two a penny

♪ Pussy in the well

-[CLAPPING]
-PASTOR JOHN: More?

-More.
-More.

-ALL: More.
-[BELL CLANGING]

I think Master
Edmund is spent.

Indeed,
but it was most pleasing
to open my pipes to thee.

I have a piece.

HESTHER: Graham?

[PASTOR JOHN SINGING]

HESTHER: Graham?

HESTHER: Graham?

♪ And then one night
when it was dark

♪ She blew up
such a tiny spark

♪ That all
the house was bothered

♪ Was bothered

Oh. [GIGGLING]

Thank you, Pastor John.

I do not suppose ye have
anything to offer,
Mistress Helene?

Nay.

Not that she had much to offer
even afore child Ronald,
Pastor John.

Who is in truth something of
a disappointment to all of us.

Not what you could call
an attractive child,

with his bulbous head
and his googling eyes.
[LAUGHING]

The Lord smiles
upon the deformed.

Ronald is not deformed.

I'm sorry, ma'am,
but what would ye know
about child Ronald?

You cannot even feed him.

'Tis Biddy
Ritherfoot should suckle him
with her long proud nipples.

I ask, Dorothy,
that thee stop!

I ask that ye stop
lashing out at me,
I told you, sir.

-HELENE: I do not...
-My lamb.

-I am mistress here!
-Not yet.

-And e'en then,
only by default.
-By love, Dorothy.

Oh, love, what is love?

Something you
have never known.

No man hath ever
wrapped himself around thee

and never shall!

Except by rape!

[GASPS AND CRIES]

[THUDS]

The devil rides out tonight.

[CRYING]

What manner of house
do you keep here, Edmund?

[CRYING]

My lamb, if you will not
tell me of my crimes

then at least
let me soothe thee.

PASTOR JOHN: Mistress?

It pains me to see
thine eyes pooling.

Excuse me, sir,
while I speak with my wife.

But she is not your wife.

HESTHER:
Graham, it was big ones.

[GASPS]

Oh. [SOBBING]

-PASTOR JOHN: Mistress?
-[GASPS]

Oh, I hate to see
thy face so lengthened.

Ye cannot have failed
to catch the whiff of my swoon

whene'er ye are near.

If my knee caps
were not as broken plates,

I would fall upon them now
and ask for thy
hand in marriage.

Ye need not answer directly.

But I would urge thee
to consider carefully.

For the Lord cares
not for an ageing
unwed mother to a bastard.

What...

What?

'Tis just like
the old days, Graham.

When we were married,
and you did tend to my toilet.

But why art thou here?

I have been most unfortunately
locked within
throughout the evening.

Oh, dear.

I have still
been able to soak up
some of the jollity.

Through the wood.

Ugh. Low born she cuckoo.

How dare she speak
of my dreadful rape?

[SOBBING] And in front of
that Bible bleating

self-righteous law monger.

Might I say, sister,
if I were a man

I would do more
than rape thee.

Therein lies
the terrible truth, Biddy.

I am, in fact, unrapeable.

-BIDDY: How so?
-Hush up.

The story I told
to make myself mother here

is... untrue.

Even when drugged blind

Master Edmund could not
bear to intercourse me.

And I remain to this day
a childless virgin spinster.

So...

So, Dr Foggerty,
Crippled Hesther,
they're not your children?

No. They're just two nobodies
thrown in the workhouse.

Not even brother and sister?

Do you see a resemblance,

between the dumpy cripple
and the pudge-faced doctor?

[LAUGHING]

[EXCITEDLY] Oh, Graham!

You realise what this means?

We are not brother and sister.

-And so?
-We are man and
wife still, Graham.

We can resume
our life as 'twas.

But I am with Helene.

I love Helene and our son.

-Hesther, I...
-'Tis your
Christian duty, Graham,

to abide with me, your wife.

-Till death do us part.
-But...

Do you forget your promise
to make amends
for crippling me?

-Of course not.
-Oh, Graham!
This is your chance. Oh!

Perhaps when you
hear my wondrous news
your heart will swell.

I know not if you have noted,
that I am heavied of late.

Thy shape hath
always erred towards
the rotund, Hester.

The truth is,

I am double-dumped!

For I am chubbied with child!
[GIGGLES]

-You?
-Yes.

Within my swelling womb
do I carry our combination.

-[LAUGHING]
-[MOUTHING] What goes there?

[WHISPERING] Hesther?

-[WHISPERING] My child?
-Aye.

I know ye will not
recall the night, for you were
in quite the boozy stupor.

But suffice to say
your stout pink gentleman

did weep within me.

[WHISPERING] Oh,
heaven help us!

Are ye not pleased, sir?

Pleased?

Gad, sister, I love Helene!

We have child Ronald.

Whatever atrocity I have made
with thee, my own sister,

can nay be more than some
balloon-headed monstrum!

Some slobbering devil dumpling
dotted with teeth!

But, Graham, we are not
brother and sister.

[SIGHS] It will be
a beautiful child.

Combining all
our best features.

And what, prithee,
may ye offer in
that description?

My eyebrows?