All language subtitles for Deon.Cole.Cole.Blooded.Seminar.2016.INTERNAL.1080p.WEBRip.x264.AAC5.1-[YTS.MX]

Downloaded from
YTS.MX

Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX

[indistinct chatter]

[sizzling]

[indistinct chatter]

- Hey, y'all,
order me a turkey burger.

I'll be right back.
- Okay.

[dishes clattering]

[crowd cheering in distance]

[upbeat electronic music]

*

[crowd cheering loudly]

*

[crowd roars]

*

announcer: Live from
the historic Lincoln Theatre,

near Capitol Hill
in Washington, D.C.,

we are proud to present...

Deon Cole.

- What's up, D.C.?
How y'all doing?

Make some noise!

[cheers and applause]

*

Yes!

I feel the love!

Thank you!

Whoo!

Thank you so much for coming

to my seminar this evening.

That's what this about to be--
it's about to be a seminar.

White people, I'ma say a lot
of stuff you're not gonna like,

but just sit there
and take that shit, all right?

And women,
I'ma say a lot of stuff

you not gonna like,

but I promise you,

if you take heed into the shit
I say this evening,

when you leave here,
you gonna be a better bitch.

I promise you.

Now, you not gonna laugh
at everything that I say,

and I'm cool with that.

'Cause when you ain't laughing,

that mean you
evaluating your life.

And if I can just touch one,

I've done my job this evening.

I had to come out here in D.C.
and get it popping, baby.

That's right.

[cheers and applause]

I had to, man, 'cause it's
Obama's last year in office,

and I just wanted
to come to Capitol Hill

and be close to some
historic shit, you know?

And plus, we ain't gonna see
another black president forever.

Oh, no, that's--
that's over with.

Don't even--no,

that ain't never
gonna happen again.

All them back-to-back
black t-shirts you made,

you might as well
burn them motherfuckers.

You're not gonna see Obama

leaning against some other
black dude back like...

That ain't happening.

Plus, I wanted
to come out here

'cause D.C. got so many
thick-ass women.

[women scream]

Whoo!
Whoo!

Y'all got some
thick women here.

And it's not--it's not
that ordinary thick.

It's like unusually thick,

like a concerned thick.

I was walking around today.

Saw this girl, thickest--

thicker than a motherfucker,

thicker than cold peanut butter.

I'ma let that marinate
for a minute.

Cold peanut butter
thick as hell.

You ever try to spread
cold peanut butter?

You'll tear your bread up.

You're like "Ehh-ah!

"Damn.

Give me another slice."

I better not see none
of you women stealing my joke

and putting it
on Instagram, neither.

Be a picture of you like this
with "cold peanut butter"

at the top of it--

#peanutbutter.

Some cold peanut butter's
here tonight.

Some nice little
cold peanut butter right there.

I like that, yeah.

Nice--nice little
room-temperature peanut butter

right here.

Hey,

freezer peanut butter
right here.

Oh, I fucks with
some freezer peanut butter.

That shit'll break your knife.

[laughing]

Oh, man,
I just got back up here.

I got up here from
Fort Lauderdale, Florida.

[scattered cheers]
Did a show down there--

yeah, whatever the fuck ever.

Did not know that
that was a retirement city.

Everybody on my flight
was 80 and up.

Took me an hour
to get to my seat,

'cause couldn't none
of these old motherfuckers

get they luggage
up in the top bin.

I had to help
the whole fucking plane out.

I'm like,
"I got it. Move.

"Just sit down.
I got it.

"Move. I got it.
Sit down 'fore you fall.

"I got it.

I don't know
where your hatbox is."

Who the hell packs a hatbox?

I'm like, "Where's all these
old motherfuckers going to?"

I had to look
at my ticket again.

I'm like,
"Where we going, to heaven?

"I hope we ain't
going to heaven.

I got shit to do.
I can't be..."

And there was a middle seat
open next to me.

I didn't want none
of them sitting there

talking to me
the whole damn flight,

so I had to turn
my blackness up.

Oh, yeah, white people,
that's something we do.

It's called managing
your blackness.

See, white people,
y'all can be white all day long.

Black people can't be black
all day long.

Society don't play that.

It's messed up,

but we have to choose
throughout our day

when to be black
and when not to be.

It's crazy.

That black dude you work with?

That ain't how he really act.

That is not the real James.

[laughs]

You go to a job interview,

you cut that black shit off.

You go in there like, "Uh, yes,

it behooves me to, uh..."

I don't even know
what the hell "behoove" means,

but it feel like it go there,

you know?

So I ain't want none of them
sitting next to me.

So I reached in my bag,
pulled my baseball cap,

put it on sideways,
put my sunglasses on,

put my headphones on,
turned that shit up real loud.

I was like, "Kill these niggas,

"all these niggas.

Kill these niggas."

Didn't nobody sit next to me.

They were sitting on
each other laps

before they came to this seat.

Soon as they closed the door
and locked it,

I was like, "Hoo,"

took all that bullshit off

and pulled my Sudoku book out,
and was like.

Got to manage your blackness.

I remember another time
I had to manage my blackness.

I was in Hollywood
leaving a show,

and it was 2:00 in the morning.

Everything close at 2:00
in the morning out there.

And I wanted to get
something to eat,

and I knew the grocery store
around my neighborhood

stayed open 24 hours.

So I was like, you know,
"I'll go there," you know?

And I--and I live in
an all-white neighborhood--

like all white--

like all white.

Like, if I see
another black dude

in my neighborhood,
I'll call the police.

'Cause I want to know what
that nigga doing over there.

And I know he ain't coming
to visit me,

'cause that's why I moved
over there,

to get away from niggas.

Some of y'all did it too.

Don't be staring at me

like that's fucked up.

It feel good to live
around the white people

that just believe--

just believe in
the neighborhood, you know?

Like, true story, I was walking
down the street one day,

and I saw on this tree,

there was a picture--

a reward poster
for a missing bird.

Some white bitch lost her bird

and thought,
throughout all this open air,

space, trees, and clouds--

she thought her bird was still
gonna be in the community.

She believed that.
She made a flier,

as if I was gonna be
walking down the street like,

"Damn,

"there go that bitch bird.

"I'm gonna get
this reward money up out of her.

"I can't believe he stayed
in the community like that.

This one good goddamn
bird right here."

Man, I wrote on that poster,

"Bitch, your bird is gone.

Get a goldfish, ho."

2:30 in the morning, I'm finally
around my neighborhood.

I'm sitting at the light.

This white woman
pull on the side of me.

Light turned green.
She take off. I take off.

She make a right.
I make a right.

Then she make a left.
I make a left.

Then she pulled into
the parking garage

of the grocery store.

That's where I was going.

She parked.
I parked right next to her.

She got out and was
walking to the store.

I was walking right behind her.

It was chilly out,
so I had my hoodie on.

All of a sudden, she seen me
and grabbed her purse,

and was like,
"What do you want?"

I was like, "Snacks, bitch.

"Fuck is wrong with you?

Nobody trying to rob you
in your Toyota Tercel, bitch."

I can't believe she thought

I was trying to do something
to her.

I was like, "You know what?

"I ain't about to let her
live this down.

I'm 'bout to terrorize
this bitch."

So like, every aisle
she shopped in,

I would walk at the end
of the aisle like this.

She'll take some cereal
off the shelf,

my face would be
behind the cereal, like...

I was like, "Let me leave
this woman alone

before she call
the police on me."

All I came for is a loaf
of bread and some lunch meat.

Sitting at the counter,
waiting to check out.

All of a sudden,
I feel this tap on my shoulder.

It's that little white woman.
This what she said to me.

She was like, "I'm so sorry
for the way I behaved.

And I would like to buy
your groceries."

Now, in my mind, I'm going,

"That ain't gonna
make it better,

you racist bitch."

But I couldn't say that.

I had to manage my blackness.

So I went and got
more groceries.

My shit came out to $836.

[laughs]

Oh, man, I'm getting old.

I know I'm getting old, too,
'cause last week,

I went to Brooks Brothers
and saw some shit I liked.

I was like, "Wait a minute.

"Are those suspenders for socks?

"Well, fuck, yeah,
I want a pair of them.

I'm getting tired of
pulling these bitches up."

Can't be picky
with your compliments neither.

The older you get,
the less compliments you get.

I take all my compliments.

Got to take
all of my compliments.

One time, I was in Atlanta.
This gay dude seen me.

He was like, "Look at your
little chocolate sexy self."

I was like, "Thank you.

"Thank you very much
for those kind words, sir.

"I really appreciate it.

"I really wasn't feeling
all that good today,

until you told me that."

Getting old--

I don't titty fuck no more.

Too old to be titty fucking.

That's a young man's game.

Plus, I can't be
wasting my strokes

on some imaginary pussy.

Why would I waste
the good strokes up here?

What--

I'm not doing that.

Getting old--

I know I'm getting old,
'cause one time,

I was having sex,
and I came so hard,

I got cold.

I was like,
"Why is it so chilly in here

right now?"

[shivers]

Now when I have sex,

I wear a turtleneck

and my suspender socks.

If you're a tough guy,

don't ask to take a picture
with me

after the show.

Tough guys never smile
in a photo.

I did a show in Chicago
one time.

All these gangsters
came outside after the show.

They was like, "Hey yo, fam,
"funny as hell.

Now get the fuck over here
and take a picture."

I'm like, "What?"
They're like, "Get over here

and take a picture."

I'm like, "Quit hollering at me.

All right."
I get over there.

Everybody in the picture
like this.

I'm the only dude like...

They let me see the picture.

I was like "Fuck.

"Y'all could've told me
y'all wasn't gonna smile.

"Now it look like I wanted
a picture with y'all.

I don't even know
y'all like that, dude."

You know what
the next best feeling is,

next to sex?

Cleaning your ears with a Q-tip.

Boy, that's my thing.

When you get it deep in there,
you be like, "Ahh-ah-ah."

One day, I got high.
I was like, "You know what?

"I'm gonna clean my ears

and come at the same time,"

and almost murdered myself.

But don't do it
for too long.

If you try, you'll fuck
your equilibrium up.

After a while,
I began fucking my ear

and twisting my dick.

White people, get your pens out.

I'm gonna teach you something
about black people, okay?

All black people
love plastic bags.

We do. We love 'em.

If you come over my house
and throw away my plastic bags,

I will beat the life out of you.

Every black person in here
got a drawer

under the sink

full of them motherfuckers.

You ever open your pantry,

and they try to escape
real slowly?

You be like, "Ahh!

"Ahh!
[laughs]

They keep trying to get away."

That's right.
Love some plastic bags.

There's a lot
of uses for 'em.

Number one,

they trash bags
for my little cans

I have around the house.

They also shower caps,

umbrellas,

backpacks,

file cabinets--

yes, I keeps my taxes
in plastic bags.

I put "2016" on there

and slide it under my bed
like every other American.

And they great
chicken bag shakers.

Put your seasoned flour,
chicken in there.

You spin them boys around
and roll 'em out.

Love plastic bags.

I hear they're about
to put women on money.

'Bout to, like, put, I think,
Harriet Tubman on the 20

or something like that, right?

That's cool.

But rappers--
if that happen,

rappers gonna be
so disrespectful.

[laughs]

I can see it now.

* I got a pocket full
of bitches *

* Make it rain
on these hoes *

* With these hoes

[quietly]
* With these hoes

* Make it rain on these hoes
with these hoes *

[laughs]

D.C. women like, "Mm-hmm."

I think deeply
like that on stuff, you know.

I do. I'm a--
I'm a deep thinker, you know.

It's how I like to do--
think real deep,

smoke something, lay back,
let my mind take off.

I be thinking about stuff
people don't know about,

people ain't even
thinking about.

Like for example,

why isn't there any B batteries?

Why there ain't no B batteries?

But they tripled up on the As.

What, the B stand
for black battery?

Ain't no black batteries
around here?

Nah, if there was
black batteries,

I wouldn't use 'em.

They probably
would work sometimes.

Fuck y'all.
That's hilarious.

Trying to be
all pro-black in here.

"Haha--
uh-uh, mm.

"We don't talk that way
in D.C., Deon.

"You can go back to Chicago
with all your chitlin ways.

We don't do that here."

I get deep.

I'm a deep dude.

Here's another example
of how deep I get.

Adam and Eve,
they're the very first people

on the planet Earth, right?

Right?
all: Right.

- So I'm looking at a picture
of them the other day,

both of them naked,

and I notice they both
had navels--

belly buttons.

Why?

Who cut they umbilical cords?

[mimics explosion]

You ever be with a woman,

and you have
to drop her off at home?

You pull up to her house.

You got to wait
until she get out the car,

walk up the gangway,
get to her door,

put the key in the door,
turn it.

Then she leans back
and does this,

and then you supposed
to pull off, right?

Stupidest shit ever.

Every time I pull off,
I can't help but to think,

"I wonder, is the murderer
inside the house?"

There's just not a lot
of porch killings.

I would think
he would be in the house,

like the rest
of the murderers do.

Every Sunday,
I go stealing out of Target.

I steal baskets of shit.

And don't nobody ever
say nothing to me neither.

I takes baskets of stuff
out of Target.

No one says nothing to me.

You can do it too.

It's so easy.

Look, this what you do.

Next time you go to Target,

wear a red shirt
and some khakis.

Baskets of shit.

For fun, I like to walk
down the street

and watch people parallel park.

I don't help.
I just watch,

just to stress them
the fuck out.

My son asked me to buy him
some Beats by Dre headphones.

I went and priced them boys.
Them motherfuckers are $400.

I'm like, "Y'all ain't got no
Beats by Soulja Boy?

"Them should be about $20,
shouldn't they?

"Y'all ain't got
no MC Hammer Beats

or nothing like that?"

Got to treat yourself better,
y'all.

You got one life.

Treat yourself better, you know?

Got to start
doing things better.

You got to treat your--
just one life.

You got to--got to treat it
good, you know?

Some of y'all dealing
with obesity your whole life.

You ain't got to deal
with that for your whole life.

Your whole life?

No, get small,
once in your lifetime.

Just see how it feels--

before you die,
just see how it feels.

Go shopping.
Get you some new clothes.

Just--man, don't be big
your whole entire life.

Get small once, okay?

Stop eating that shit.

Stop eating that shit.

You know how it tastes.

You know how it tastes.

It's delicious,

and it's gonna be delicious.

Now you stop eating that shit.

Y'all keep eating it,

like, "Let me see
if it's still delicious."

Yes, it is.

This white dude I know
asked me if--

asked me if I ever ate
a free-range chicken.

I was like,
"What the hell is that?"

He was like,
"Oh, you're gonna love it.

"It's these comfortable,
carefree chickens,

"and they roam around freely
wherever they want to roam.

"They roam wherever,
they eat healthy,

"and they die in a humane way.

You're gonna love 'em."

I went and priced them
motherfuckers.

Them bitches
was expensive as hell.

I was like,
"No, I'm gonna keep eating

"these overwhelmed chickens--

"these stressed-out
anxiety chickens.

I like these claustrophobic
chickens."

I learned black people
don't know a lot

of white actresses
and actors at all.

Like, we know
all the old-school ones,

but we don't know none
of the new white celebrities

and actors and stuff.

If you want
black people to know,

like, a new white celebrity,
you got to tell us

what movie they was in

and what they did in the movie.

We don't know the names
like--like, back in the day,

you used to know
everybody names--

John Travolta,
Harrison Ford.

We don't know nobody's name now.

You know, I used
to write for Conan.

I remember when
a lot of people used to--

thank y'all.

[cheers and applause]

Like, me writing for Conan,

all my friends used to love
to come to the show,

but they would never know who
none of the white guests was.

Like my friend would be like,

"Yo, D, I want to come
to the show today, man.

You got some tickets?"
I'm like, "Yeah."

He'll be like,
"Who you got on the show?"

"Oh, we got a good show today.

We got Christian Bale."

"Who's that?"

I'm like,
"Christian Bale, Batman."

"What he do in Batman?"

"Bitch, he was Batman."

"Oh, okay, all right.

"Oh, yeah, that's my man.

"That's my man.

"That's my man.
That's my man.

"Yeah, yeah, he cracks me up.

He's hilarious."

"No, he's not, bitch."

When I used to write
over at Conan,

I was the only black writer
that they ever had, ever.

And I used to sit there
and be like--I'd just sit there,

and I used to learn
little stuff.

Like, I would never
wear a sweater

around white people ever again.

One time, I was at work,
and I had this sweater on.

You know how your sweater
get all shitty right here

with them little balls and shit?

I'm sitting there trying
to get it off my sweater--

you know,
I'm trying to get it all off.

And these white--
the other white writers,

they're just looking at me,
smiling and laughing, like.

[laughs]

I'm sitting there like, "What
the fuck is wrong with them?"

But then I realized
I was picking cotton.

And I was like, "Fuck it.

* Swing low

* Chariot

Women, start telling your age.

Y'all don't want
to tell your age.

You ask a woman her age,

she be like, "It's rude
to ask a woman her age."

No, it's not.

I need to know how old
you are to let you---

to find out if we compatible
or not.

Be taking your old ass
to some young shit.

We in the club, you like,
"Who sing this?"

"Future.

"It's Future, bitch.
Quit asking me about Future.

"That was him
the last seven songs.

It was Future."

See, I got a theory.

A lot of people want to be young
and try to pretend they young,

so they'll have
an excuse to be immature.

That's a lot of people.
A lot of people think that way.

My thing is this:
you done had your time.

You missed it. Grow up.

Grow up.

Tell people your age.

You gonna die, ain't nobody
gonna know how old your ass was.

Be like, "How old was she?"

"Bitch never told us.

Just put 'she lived'
on her tombstone."

All these legends dying, man.

That shit is crazy, ain't it?

Maurice White--
Earth, Wind & Fire--

Natalie Cole,

David Bowie.

It's like they just falling off.

And they keep dying before
I can see 'em in concert.

Tonight, I'ma go buy me
some Boy George tickets.

Scoop me up
some Rebbie Jackson tickets.

I ain't heard "Centipede"
in a minute.

* Centipede

Remember the video?

Anything she touched turned
into a centipede.

Like, "Go on, Rebbie."

That's why we got
to look out for Prince.

That's right. Don't let
nothing happen to Prince.

I want to see Prince get old.

I want to see Prince
in a cardigan and some flats.

Imagine seeing Prince
in just a regular sweater

and some flats and shit.

[laughs]

I give God the glory
in no matter what I do.

[cheers and applause]

Got to.

I give God the glory
in whatever I do.

Even in my downfalls,
I give God the glory.

I could be on my way
to a job interview

and lose my keys.

I be like,
"Thank you, Lord,

for letting me lose my keys."

'Cause I could've had my keys

and went and started my car up,

went down the street,
and a truck could've hit me.

But by me losing my keys,

it offset the timing
of that accident.

So I be like,
"Thank you, Lord.

Thank you for letting
me lose my keys, God."

[cheers and applause]

I might not get that job,
but thank you, Lord.

I can come in the house
and my electricity be off.

I'll be like,

"Thank you, Lord.

"Thank you for cutting
my power off, God.

That Internet was
fucking my brain up."

I could be on a date
and lose my wallet.

"Thank you, Lord.

"Thank you for letting me
lose my wallet, God.

Now I can see how down
this bitch really is."

I saw Farrakhan on CNN.

He said white people
would become extinct

in the year 2070.

I was like, "Get out of here."

[laughs]

But listen,

he said, if white people
keep having sex

with other nationalities,

they race is gonna be wiped
clean off the planet Earth.

He was like,
"'Cause nine times out of ten,

"when a Caucasian has--
has sex and a baby

"with any other nationality--
Asian, Hispanic, or black--

"that baby gonna come
out the other nationality.

It's not gonna come out white."

He was like,
"So if they keep doing that,

they race is gonna be wiped
clean off the planet Earth."

And he was like,
"And it's already happening,

"because Caucasians
are no longer the majority.

They're now the minority."

And I was like,
"Wow, that's some deep shit."

But then it had me thinking.

We got to save the white folk.

We need them.

How else we gonna know
what sharks eat?

Who gonna run Google?

And who gonna represent me
in court?

'Cause I ain't taking
no nigga to court,

I tell you that much.

Nigga be telling my business

before I hit the courtroom.
"What up, lawyer?"

"Shit, Deon drunk-ass
got another DUI.

"I'ma go on in and see
what they do with this nigga.

Call me later."

I learned that you can--

I learned you can text anything
you want to a woman,

as long as you end it
in "LOL."

Be like, "Yeah,
I want to have sex with you,

"and then I want to have sex
with your best friend.

"And I want your best friend
to watch us have sex,

"and then all three
of us have sex together.

LOL."

Now we wait.

I hate iPhones.

You know what I hate
about these phones?

They always trying
to spell for you.

I'm like, "Bitch,
I know what I'm spelling.

Motherfucker,
I don't know no ninjas."

I wrote, "Where's my niggas?"

This like,
"Where's your ninjas?"

I'm like, "Why would I be
texting a ninja, motherfucker?

Who in the hell
even know a ninja?"

One dumb-ass smart-ass phone.

I don't get jokes.

People tell me jokes
all the time,

and I just don't get 'em.

It's weird, right,
'cause I'm a writer.

I'm a comic.
You'd think I'd get jokes,

but I don't.
I don't get no jokes.

One time, a friend of mine
called me up

and asked me to help him
with something.

Like, I just didn't get it.
You know, he called me up.

He was like, "Hey, Deon,
can you help me with something?"

I was like, "Yeah."
He was like, "All right.

What has a little dick
and hangs down?"

I'm like, "I don't know."

He was like, "A bat."

I was like,
"Oh, okay."

Then he was like,
"Now what has a big dick

and hangs up?"

I'm like, "I don't know."

Then he hung up the phone on me.

I was like, "Man,
what happened to my signal?"

So I called him back.

I was like, "Hey, I don't know
what just happened to my phone,

but what was you saying?
Say that again real quick."

He was like,
"What has a little dick

and hangs down?"

I'm like, "A bat."

He like, "Now what has
a big dick and hangs up."

I'm like, "I don't know."
And then he hung up again.

So now I'm outside doing
these karate moves,

trying to find a frequency
on my phone.

"Yeah, it's me again.
I'ma stay still while I got you.

But little-dick bat--
I got that part.

Now what's after that?"

Hung up again.

I was like, "I hate AT&T."

I ended up texting him.

I was like,
"What's after

the big dick?"

This motherfucker texts me back,

"Click."

How you gonna hang up
on a text message?

- [laughs]

- I appreciate that, brother.
Thanks.

It's a special I'm shooting.

I need all the laughs I can get.

I appreciate that.

Thank you, brother.
Y'all put him on camera.

A man know a nice-looking man
when he see one.

I ain't on no moist shit
or nothing like that, but

I'm just saying.

A man know a nice-looking man
when he see one.

He do. You can act
like you don't, but you do.

You ever be in the club,
kicking it, having fun--

all of a sudden, some sexy dude
come stand right next to you?

You be like,
"Damn, dude.

Can't get no hoes
with you standing next to me."

Women, your man know
when a nice-looking man

is in the vicinity too.

Like, for real, especially
if another man compliments you.

I'm gonna tell you how--
how you know your man

think this man look nice,
all right?

The more angry your man get,

the more sexy
he think this dude is.

'Cause you could be
walking down the street

with your man, holding his hand,

and a homeless dude
can walk up and be like,

"Boy, look at
this beautiful ray of light

"you got with you this evening.

"She's just shining,
looking all spectacular.

"Look at you, girl.
Keep doing what you doing, girl.

You winning, brother.
You sure is winning."

Your man gonna be like,
"[laughs]

"Thank you, brother.
I sure appreciate that.

"Thanks a lot, brother.
Thank you, brother.

"I sure appreciate that.
Right here, brother.

"Thank you. Go ahead,
tell him thank you, baby.

"Go 'head. Tell him thank you.

No, go give him a hug,
and go tell him thank you."

Let some sexy motherfucker
say that.

"Excuse me, brother--
no disrespect.

"I been looking at this
beautiful ray of light

"from across the room.

"She been blinding me
ever since she came up in here,

"and I just wanted to tell you,
keep doing what you're doing,

baby, 'cause, uh,
real niggas is watching."

Your man gonna be like,
"We don't need you cosigning

"how beautiful
my ray of light is.

"You understand me?

"I tell her how shiny
she is every morning,

"and we don't need you cosigning

"a goddamn thing.

"You understand me?

"Do you understand me?

"Bitch, what is you
smiling about?

"Get your ass in the car, bitch.

I'll murder both of you
motherfuckers."

Women, when y'all go on dates,

y'all better ask
better questions.

That's what you got to do.

That's why you keep
having the same results.

You keep asking
the same questions.

You asking the same questions
your mama was asking

when she was in these streets.

You got to ask better questions.

Go deeper
with your question-asking

when you getting
to know somebody, all right?

Like next time
you getting to know a man,

go deeper with that, you know?

Be like, "Yeah, uh,
do you got any kids?"

He gonna be like, "No."
Go deeper.

"Do you have any on the way?"

'Cause that's a difference.

Men don't count him
until he hit the Earth.

You got to go deeper.

Be like, "Yeah, do you live
with your mama?"

He gonna be like, "No."
Go deeper.

"Do your mama live with you?"

You got to go deeper.

My sister want a man so bad.

She be thirsty.

Ooh, she so thirsty for a man.

We be out,
anything she see turn her on.

She be like, "Mmm,

I love a man with a cell phone."

Bitch, everybody
got a cell phone.

"Ain't nothing like a man
in some shoes."

Women, I'ma tell you
how you can go

on a date with a man,
ain't got to give him no ass.

You ain't even got
to feel guilty about it.

Want me to tell you
how you do it?

Pay for the date.

Pay for the date.

Drive, pay for the dinner,
the movie.

After the end of the night,
he useless.

You pull right up to his house,

like, "All right,

good night."

He gonna be like, "Uh, yeah,

I guess it is for you, bitch."

Let me ask you a question, okay?

Did you know white women
can have sex with a--

with a black guy just one time
and not looked down upon?

You can't, like, keep
having sex with black people.

You only can do it once,

and your peers will not
look down on you for that shit.

Did you know that?

But only once.
You can't keep doing it.

I shit you not.

I always ask white women
that at my shows.

They be like this--
this one white women's like,

"Yeah, I know all about that."

I was like, "Really?"

I was like, "Well, did you
have your black fuck yet?"

She was like, "I almost did."
I was like, "What happened?"

She was like,
"His dick was small,

and I didn't want
to waste my black fuck."

I was like, "Well played,
white woman."

Women always saying men cheat.

"Men are always cheating.

That's all they do, is cheat."

No, a lot of y'all just think
you're in relationships.

- Oh, that's cold.

- It's so funny
looking at guys with women.

They like this.

"Thank--
[mouthing words]"

Women love relationships.

Men hate relationships.

We just end up in 'em.

Don't no man want to be
in no relationship.

I ain't never
had no dude call me up

and be like, "Hey, Deon,
let's go down to the club

"and find some relationships
to get into."

I ain't never walk in no party
and was like,

"Boy, one of these bitches
about to get married

in this motherfucker tonight."

Ain't nobody ever
call me up like,

"Boy, get down to the club.

"There's so many soul mates
in this bitch.

Ooh!"

You got to have some standards.

Set some standards
about yourself

when it come to having sex.

Just don't be out here
having sex with anybody.

Set some standards.

Just be fucking
just to be fucking--no.

Set some goals--
standards and stuff.

I got standards.

I ain't fucking nobody
unless they got a degree

or a gym membership.

'Cause I ain't fucking
no fat dumb bitches--

either/or.

Pick a struggle, bitch.

Pick a motherfucking struggle.
[laughing]

I don't like good pussy.

That's right.
I said it.

I don't like good pussy.

Good pussy change your life.

I like my life
just the way it is.

Give me all the mediocre sex
in the world.

I don't want no good ass.

You ever be in a mall
and see a big strong dude

standing there holding a purse?

That's that good pussy
got him holding that purse.

That good ass was like,

"I'm getting ready
to try these clothes on.

Don't you sit my purse down."

And he gonna stand there
in profile with that.

And if the ass real good,

he gonna hold it like this.

I don't want no good ass.

Good ass got you out here
playing board games and shit.

Fuck you doing
playing board games?

You a killer!

Got you playing Uno
with strangers.

Who the hell
are these motherfuckers?

Who's this bitch that keep
draw four-ing me right here?

I can tell good sex
on the first stroke.

I be like,
"Mmm, nope,

"I'm good.

"No, it's not you.
It's me.

"I just don't like
change like that.

"That's all.

"Yeah, you can keep
all that good-good

"and whatever else you call it.

I don't want it."

A lot of women like a man
in a nice car.

Y'all always want
a motherfucking nice car.

Everybody wants to buy
a nice car.

You be judging men on
what kind of car they got.

That's crazy.

Everybody want the man
in a nice car,

when all the good men
in Honda Civics.

They be riding right by you,
just riding right past you,

just blessings--

blessing, blessing,
blessing.

They even say it.
"I'm a blessing."

Y'all look right over they ass.

Y'all be killing me with that.

"Girl, did he come pick you up?"
"Yup."

"What was he in?"
"A Bentley."

"What?"
"Yeah."

"What?"
"Yup."

"What?"
"Yeah."

Fuck that.

A man don't care
what kind of car you're in.

You bring that ass to us
however you can.

Uber that pussy to me.

You can hoverboard
that pussy to me.

Ladies,
do good dick make you forgetful?

- [woman laughing loudly]

- That joke was hot shit,
wasn't it?

[mimics laughter]

[laughs]

Oh, some good dick
can make you forgetful.

'Cause if you get
some horrible dick,

you gonna remember
everything you came with.

You gonna be like,
"I got my earrings,

"bracelet, my watch.

"I got my flats and my heels.

Yeah, 'cause I ain't never
coming over here ever again."

You'll even come back
for some petty shit.

You'll be like,
"Um, sorry.

"I just left the other half
of my Subway sandwich in there.

Okay, I got everything now."

[laughs]

Bitch came back
for her six-inch.

[laughs]

But if you get
some good dick, boy,

you'll leave there with
one high heel on, like.

Uh, you don't feel uneven,
bitch?

I'm just a realist kind of dude.

I'm a kind of guy that,

I'ma let you know
what's up off top.

You know, like, if we go
on a date or whatever,

I'ma let you know
what's going on up top,

you know, so you'll know
what's happening.

You know, so there won't be
no--no--no tricks

or nothing like that.

I got to let it--let it be
known up top, you know?

I'm the type of dude where,

at the end of the date,
I'll be like this.

"Man, we had
a good time tonight.

"We kicked it.

"We ate, drank, smoked, laughed.

"We had a good time tonight.

"You know what would make
this night even better?

If we fuck."

Now, if she tell me no,

and I go, "Why?" and she go,

"'Cause you not gonna call me
the next day,"

I don't want
to fuck her no more.

'Cause she ain't got
no confidence in her coochie.

Why would you say that?

Why would you say I'm not
gonna call you the next day?

Why would you say that
to anyone?

What, you don't believe
in yourself?

Why would you say that?

Now, if I ask you
to sleep with me, you go, "No,"

and I go, "Why?"

and you go, "'Cause I don't
want you stalking me,"

that's some pussy I can respect.

And I'ma think
about that pussy all night

while I sit in your bushes.

This is great.

This is a great seminar,
ladies and gentlemen.

I want to thank y'all
for coming to my seminar.

[cheers and applause]

But I like to do
a little recap at my seminars.

I like to do a recap,
just to see how my class is

and who learned what
or whatever.

So your participation
would help greatly, okay?

Okay, cool.

Black people,
we have to manage our what?

all: Blackness.

- All right.

Look at the white people.

"Thank God

someone brought that up."

That's all right, okay, cool.

Women, when you're on a date,
you got to ask better what?

all: Questions.

- Go deeper.
- Got to go deeper.

- Y'all making a brother proud
in here right now.

That's great.

Men, we don't want
no good what?

men: Pussy.

- [laughs]

That was like, "Puss--

"Okay, now, why do we agree
on that again?

"Uh, I-I didn't get that part.

I just--

now, why are we not?"

Brothers in here like,

"No, that's what you believe in.

We gets good pussy over here."

Women, you got to have
confidence in your what?

women: Pussy.

- I said "coochie"
but, I mean, pussy's cool.

Pussy's cool.

All the dirty women like,

"Pussy--

"confidence in this pussy.

Got to believe in this puss."

Hey, D.C., I love y'all.

[cheers and applause]

Thank you so much.

Thank you.

A tour coming soon.

Thank y'all so much.

I love y'all.

[cheers and applause]

[upbeat electronic music]

*

*

[cheers and applause
in distance]

[dishes clattering]

[indistinct chatter]

- Just kind of set it up
and pop it--

pop it and drop it.

- I know, right?
- I ate some of your fries.

- You stole my fries?

- Yeah.

- Kind of cold.

- So what's the move?
What are we gonna do?

- Man, I'm thinking
a vodka gimlet

and some, uh--
- What?

- Vodka gimlet?
- What you talking 'bout?

- I probably do
some brown liquor tonight.

- What's the move?
- You doing brown?

- Whatever y'all want to do.
- Yeah, yeah.

- Okay.
- I'm down with that.

- Go to the club.

- Yeah, we in D.C., child.

Let's make it happen.

- I say we--

let's go find Obama.

- We ain't finding Obama.

- He said we ain't gonna
find Obama.

[upbeat electronic music]

*

*

*

*

*