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- Ladies and gentlemen,
put your hands together

for the comedy
of Mr. Carlos Mencia!

[cheers and applause]

[energetic rock music]

♪ ♪

- You guys are awesome!

[cheers and applause]

I love your attitude.
I really do.

This is what I'’m talking about.
This is what America needs.

We need to be happy again.

Too many people out there
are, like, unhappy.

And I don'’t know
what that'’s like,

'’cause I was born
in another country,

and I see America way different
than the majority of people.

So, before I even
get started,

let me just give you
a perspective that'’s mine.

I'’ve been to
a lot of other countries,

and I'’m gonna say this
straight up--

the United States of America,
on our worst day,

is better than any other country
on their best day.

Period.
End of story.

End of story!

Period!

[cheers and applause]

It'’s true.

My friend the other day goes,
"My life sucks.

I have
a 1982 Nissan Sentra."

You got a car, bitch?
That'’s not suck.

Suck is when you
live in Venezuela

and you see a guy that has
a donkey with three legs

and you look at that guy,
and you'’re like,

"Man, if only I had
a three-legged donkey."

I will give people a ride
in a circle on my donkey!

Are you out of your mind?

If you think America sucks,

that'’s because you'’ve
never been to Guatemala.

Trust me on this one.
Oh, yeah!

Because we got to see
what'’s real, what'’s awesome,

instead of complaining
about what we don'’t know about.

You'’ve heard people
out there--

"What'’s wrong
with our economy, Carlos?"

Nothing.

"Well, why isn'’t it awesome
like it was before?"

Because nothing can be awesome
all the time.

It rains sometimes.
It snows sometimes.

There'’s earthquakes sometimes.

Things change,
and that'’s normal.

We had a great economy
for 20 years.

Why can'’t we just
be happy with that,

instead of,
"But what happened?"

Well, it'’s like sex.

Sex is amazing, but you
can'’t do it all the time.

And that'’s what happened.

For 20 years, we were having sex
with our economy.

20 years, just,
"I want a jet ski.

I want a boat.
I want a motorcycle."

[cheers and applause]

Right? And finally
we had an orgasm,

and we'’re like, "Don'’t touch it.
It'’s sensitive."

That'’s where our economy is.
It'’s right there.

We'’re fragile.
We'’re fragile.

We'’re fragile.

You want to buy a car?

Don'’t touch it!
It'’s sensitive!

How'’s your credit?

Don'’t touch it!
It'’s sensitive!

And maybe it'’s because
I was born in Honduras that--

You know,
my friends are like,

"Dude, why do you
love America so much?"

Because if I was
in Honduras,

I'’d be the funniest man
milking a cow.

[laughter]

That would suck!

I'’d be all, "Hey, anybody
want to hear a joke?"

[laughter]

She doesn'’t even have milk.
I'’m playing with her chi-chis.

'’Cause it'’s the subtle things.
You understand that?

It'’s not the big things
that we take for granted.

It'’s the subtle things,
you know,

and that'’s what you
got to worry about--

the subtle things,
the little things.

A friend of mine loves Bush,
hates Obama.

My other friend loves Obama,
hates Bush.

They were arguing
the other day.

"Obama'’s an idiot.
He ruined everything."

"What are you
talking about, dumbass?

"Obama'’s fixing everything
that Bush ruined.

Hey, Carlos,
what do you think?"

"I think that we
should just be happy

that we have a president
that'’s in office."

"What the hell
is that supposed to mean?"

"Well, I'’m from Honduras,
bitch, where last year

the president
just disappeared."

[laughter and applause]

A whole country
woke up one day and went,

"What happened to him?"

"I don'’t know!

"Last night he was
right there, right there,

"perotoday
he'’s not right there.

I no think he coming back."

Because you got
to have perspective,

and that'’s the problem--

that people hear
a whiny thing,

and they want to go with it
and see in perspective.

Get the perspective.

Do you want me to tell you?
Our country'’s great.

Do you want me to tell you when
we know that our country sucks?

That'’s when Cubans in Miami
go to the beach,

get in the water, and swim
their ass back to Cuba.

That'’s when our country sucks,
all right?

That'’s when we suck.

When there'’s a bunch of people
in the water, going,

"Fidel, Fidel!"

And you know who taught me
to see this way?

My dad, '’cause my dad
is a badass.

My dad'’s a real dude.
My dad doesn'’t play games.

He'’s just an honest guy,
you know what I mean?

First of all,
my dad was born in Honduras,

orphaned at the age
of four, okay?

The man worked for money
since he was six.

The dude didn'’t wear shoes
till he was 12.

He immigrated to America,

moved all his family--
us--to East L.A.,

where all the Mexicans
treated us like crap,

because they would say--
and I quote--

"Eh, you'’re from farther."

"But I have papers, bitch!"

"I win. I win."

My dad got his thumb cut off
in an industrial accident,

and the dude went to work
the next day.

That'’s my dad.
That'’s my real dad.

You think you have problems,
telling your dad,

"Hey, man, life is hard,"

and your dad going,
"When I was a kid..."

My dad didn'’t even talk.

My dad didn'’t even
say anything.

I remember I came home
at 16 years old, and I go,

"Hey, Dad, I'’m taking
A.P. calculus at school.

"Oh, my God!

That'’s the hardest thing
I'’ve ever done in my life!"

My dad would go, "Neh!"

"Why you got to be
an asshole, Dad?"

Oh, my God.
Here'’s a real one.

You can follow my Twitter feed,
and this is real.

I lost my voice
in Memphis, Tennessee,

all right,
about ten months ago.

I'’m freaking out,
because as you know,

my voice is all I got.

This face is doing nothing
for my career.

And some of you
are like, "Eh."

No, let'’s be real.
I get it.

Hot chicks come up to me
all the time,

and they'’re like,
"Oh, my God, you are so funny.

I almost peed my pants,"
and then they just leave,

so this face
is doing nothing for me.

I'’m like a stripper
when they turn the lights on.

"Hi--
Oh, my God!"

[imitates dinosaur squawking]

So I'’m freaking out, right?

I'’m in the car freaking out,
and my dad calls me up.

"Hey, what'’s going on? I heard
something happened to you."

[raspy voice]
I go, "Dad, I lost my voice.

"I can'’t talk,
and I have two shows tonight,

"and I don'’t want to cancel.

"But I don'’t know what to do,
because the doctor said

"he'’s gonna give me
a steroid shot

"and a cortisone shot
right in my throat.

"And remember when I was ten,

"and I got bit by the dog
with rabies,

"and they gave me the 14 shots
here on my stomach?

I'’m scared, papi.
I don'’t know what to do!"

And my dad goes,
"I know it must be hard.

"It must be hard.
I can'’t--

"Is it as hard as
not having a thumb, pussy?

"Because I can'’t even
hold a microphone!

I can'’t even hold a--
mira, mira!"

"I can'’t even pleasure
your mom.

"I don'’t have a trigger
for the gun.

You know?
I don'’t have it."

"Huh? I have to go like that,
and then like that,

and then like that,
and then like that."

"And if she wants me
to play with both,

"I have to go like this.
I have to go like that.

That'’s how I finger
your mom."

"Thanks, Dad."
[imitates retching]

You guys laugh. He really
says stuff like that!

The dude is a perv.
My parents had 18 kids.

They talk about bangin'’
all the time!

I remember I was,
like, six years old,

and my dad'’s walking
up the stairs,

and he stops, and he goes,
"Hey, don'’t come upstairs.

I'’m gonna '’mmm'’ your mom."

That was how I reacted
when I was six.

But by the time I was ten,
I was a smart-ass.

So my dad was halfway
up the stairs, and he goes,

"Hey, don'’t come upstairs.
I'’m gonna '’mmm'’ your mom."

I go, "Hey, Dad, I was reading
your Playboymagazines,

"and there'’s a good move
that you could do

to make Mom have
the best orgasm ever."

And he goes,
"¿De veras?What do I do?"

I go, "Go like this."

"Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!"

But he laughed,

'’cause my dad'’s cool
with laughter.

My dad'’s, like,
real like that.

And what my dad taught me
when I was a kid was,

if you'’re real
and you'’re honest,

it'’ll cut through the B.S.

Just stick to it. Right now
I'’m gonna tell you a story.

Every man in this room
is gonna want to laugh,

but the majority
of you won'’t,

because you'’re slaves to
the lies that you'’ve told before

and now you can'’t deviate
from it, all right?

Seriously.

Here'’s what happened.
All right, I'’m four years old.

First lesson
in "be real to the extreme."

I'’m walking by
my mom and dad'’s bedroom.

I stop. I look in.

My mom looks at my dad
and goes, "Oye...

do I look fat in this dress?"

And my dad goes,
"Don'’t be stupid.

You look fat in everything."

See, look at all the guys.
"Ha ha, eh...

"Uh-uh. No..."

My dad stuck to his guns.
Flipped it on my mom.

'’Cause my mom got mad
and went, "You'’re an asshole."

"How am I the bad guy?

"You'’re fat, and I'’m taking you
to dinner to get fatter.

How am I the bad guy?"

"I'’m gonna feed you.
Then I'’m gonna '’mmm'’ you.

How am I the bad guy?"

And then my mom goes,
"Ay, viejo,you'’re so funny."

Aah!

Mm!

The man'’s a genius...

because when you'’re real
like that, that'’s when it'’s fun.

And that'’s a big problem
that we have in America--

an inability to be real
with the good and the bad.

Just be real.

Like most of you--
I'’m gonna be real.

Most people out there
should not watch the news,

because you don'’t understand
that the news

is there to scare us
to watch more news.

That'’s what they'’re good at.
That'’s what they'’re amazing at.

You know when it started?
1999.

You remember
what they did in 1999?

"Oh, the Y2K bug. Everything
with a computer'’s gonna stop.

Every car, everything."

And what did we do?
We stayed home and did what?

Watched television.
That'’s what we did, like idiots.

"I wonder what'’s gonna happen!
I wonder what'’s gonna happen!"

If you don'’t believe me,
what did they tell us

was gonna happen in L.A. today?

"Oh, my God!
There'’s gonna be Carmageddon!"

Fuckin'’ nothing!

'’Cause it'’s bullshit,
that'’s why.

They scare us.
That'’s what they'’re good at.

They scare us.
It'’s what they'’re good at!

Remember last year?
What was the scare last year?

The B.P. oil spill.

Remember the words
that they were using?

"It'’s catastrophic.
It'’s cataclysmic.

"It'’s apocalyptic.

"This ecosystem
will never recover.

"It will take decades,
if not centuries,

to find the oil."

The other day,

me and my
4 1/2-year-old son, Luke,

were watching television.

They went all over
the Gulf Coast and took samples.

They couldn'’t find any oil,
and they'’re like,

"I don'’t know why
we can'’t find the oil."

And my son yells out,
"That'’s '’cause there'’s

a lot of water
in the ocean!"

"It'’s kind of like
when I do pee-pee in your pool."

"Whoa.
When you do what, bro?

Don'’t piss in my pool, Luke!"

"But you didn'’t know, Daddy.
You didn'’t know!

"'’Cause it'’s a little bit
of pee-pee in a lot of water!"

You know what else
I hate about the news?

You notice that
no matter what happens,

the only time
we'’re all Americans

is after September 11th

or after we kill
Osama bin Laden.

Any other time it'’s what?

Are you on the East Coast?
Are you on the West Coast?

Are you on the Right?
Are you on the Left?

Are you in a red state?
Are you in a blue state?

This is all crap.
I want you to know that.

But people believe it.
I was in Cleveland, Ohio.

This guy goes,
"Hey, I just want you to know

"that I love your comedy,

"but you should be careful
what you say.

This is a red state."

And I'’m like,
"No, no, no, no, no.

This is an American state."

He goes,
"Oh, no, it'’s a red state,

and there'’s a difference."

I'’m like, "Really?
So you'’re telling me

that if Ahmed, the terrorist,
strapped to a bomb,

walks in here right now
and goes,

"Look at me,
you American Satan pig.

"You kill Osama bin Laden,
and I am here to kill you.

"Prepare to die
and meet the death,

for I am the bringer of hell."

"Hey, this is a red state."

"Oh, my God, I almost kill you.
Are you serious?

"You are kidding me.
Really? No!

Rahim!
[speaks fake foreign language]

Red state!

And then when they should say
something, they don'’t,

'’cause it'’s
politically incorrect.

I don'’t care
about political correctness.

Some jokes
even aren'’t about race

as much as they are
about melanin content.

Here'’s one example--

I'’m watching the news
the other day,

and the President
of the United States,

Barack Obama--and some of you
might'’ve seen this--

went in the water
in the Gulf Coast

to show us that there'’s no oil
in the Gulf Coast.

Beautiful sentiment,
but I'’m at home going,

"Isn'’t anybody gonna mention
that the President

just might be the wrong race
for that specific job?"

Think about it.

Think about it.

Did we seriously send
a black guy in the water...

to show us
there'’s no black oil?

Really?

What, did he go in ashy
and come out shiny?

Is that how we
figured this out?

Don'’t we have
a white Vice President?

Hey, Biden, get your ass
in the water!

We need the contrast, bro!

If we ever have a milk spill,
the President would be perfect.

Because they
don'’t want to mention it.

The other day somebody
was talking about immigration

on the news, okay?

That'’s good.
Talk about it.

But it'’s always on the Right
or on the Left, right?

So right now
I'’m in a legal battle

with one
of the news networks, right?

I'’m gonna tell you a story,

but I can'’t tell you
what news network it is.

Legally I can'’t tell you.

What I can tell you is

it starts with a "C,"

and it ends with an "N."

See, you know some of you
were like, "C-SPAN, C-SPAN.

Bet you it'’s C-SPAN."

So here'’s what it is.

They call you from these
news networks, right?

And then they say,
"Hey, what side are you on?"

Like, what do you mean
what side am I on?

And then they
throw things at you,

and you end up
having to defend things

that you don'’t believe in
because you chose a side

as opposed to talking
about a subject.

So, in December, they called me
up from this news network,

and they'’re like, "Hey, Carlos,
uh, we'’re doing a panel.

"We'’re gonna talk about the
things that occurred in 2010,

and we'’d love for you
to be a part of it."

I said, "I would love to!
What are we gonna talk about?"

And that'’s when the guy
got all weird on me.

He'’s like, "Oh, before we get
into the subject matter,

I want to know--
what'’s your angle?"

And I'’m like,
"Uh, erect."

"No. Where are you
coming from?"

"My house.
Are these the questions?

'’Cause I'’m gonna kick ass
in this interview!"

And he goes,

"All right, let me clarify.

Are you a Democrat
or a Republican?"

"I'’m neither."
"Well, why not?"

"Because I'’m kind of smart, and
I don'’t enjoy being half wrong

all the fuckin'’ time."

[cheers and applause]

Why don'’t you
just have the balls

to ask me what you
really want to ask me,

which is, am I a liberal
or a conservative?

And he goes, "Well, are you
a liberal or conservative?"

And I said, "Yes."

See? See?
Look at some of you.

"You'’re still confusing me!"

Well, what are we
talking about?

I am a liberal,
and I am a conservative.

Are we talking
about my daughter?

'’Cause if we'’re talking
about my daughter,

I'’m a staunch conservative
that believes

in staunch conservative
Judeo-Christian

biblical-based
Bible Belt values.

But when it comes
to your daughter, I'’m a liberal.

[moaning]

Ta-da!

So I'’m watching this guy,
right, on the news.

They'’re talking
about immigration.

And he said something,
and nobody called him on it.

Nobody did.
I want to be on that panel.

He was a guy
who'’s a legislator in Alabama,

and he really said this.
He goes...

[southern accent]
"I believe in immigration,

"but I also believe
the people

"that live
in the United States of America

"should make an effort

to learn how to speak English
without an accent."

Even my dad was like,
"What the fuck did he just say?"

"I don'’t know."

How do you talk smack about
how other people speak English

when you just got hit
by a "ter-nader"?

Are you kidding me?

Are you kidding me?

Even Cubans in the water
are like,

"That'’s not how you
say '’tornado'’!"

I hate the fact
that according to the news,

we'’re only Americans
on September 12th.

We'’re only Americans
after Osama bin Laden dies.

You'’re only allowed to laugh

at an American
of a different race

if you know that race
or you'’re of that race.

That'’s crap.

We'’re all Americans,
but we don'’t believe that.

No. Because people
in America

think that guy
from that state

is different from me
from this state.

And I know that is a fact,
'’cause here'’s what happened,

all right, to prove to me
that this is real.

I was in Little Rock, Arkansas,
all right?

I got off the highway, bam,
I hit a stoplight.

I look over. A woman
is giving her man a handy

in the car, all right?

I immediately Tweeted it.

"I just pulled
into Little Rock, Arkansas,

and a woman is giving her man a
'’handy'’ in the car," all right?

30 seconds, 30 seconds--

82 responses, and they all
said the same thing.

"I bet you
that'’s his sister."

And people have
those ideas about me

because I'’m from California.

I was
in Birmingham, Alabama,

and this guy'’s like,
"Hey, man, I love your show.

"I was skeptical at first.
I had no idea.

"Your name'’s Carlos.

"I thought you
were gonna come up here

"and say, '’White people suck'’
and, '’Viva la raza.'’

"But you'’re an American,
damn it--I appreciate that.

"It'’s like you got an attitude
like you'’re from here,

but you ain'’t from here."

And he goes,
"Where are you from?"

And I'’m like, "California."

I swear to God he goes,
"Oh, man, all those fags."

Really, bro?

Seriously?

'’Cause everybody at home,
that'’s what happens

when you come to Cali--
you land, and we blow you.

I don'’t know
if you know this or not.

And you'’re like,
"How you doing? Hey!

What the hell is going on?"

"Welcome to Cali!"

[imitates laughter]

♪ This is how we do it ♪

I don'’t get it,
and I don'’t get the fact

that when it comes
to immigration,

we'’re not real about this.

Look at what we'’ve become.

"Carlos,
immigration is an issue,

"and immigrants are everywhere.

How do we get rid of '’em?
Why are they here?"

First of all, immigration
is an American problem.

Do you understand that?
We created it.

We caused it, not illegals.

"Yeah, but why are they here?"

Well, why don'’t you stop
giving '’em jobs, bitch!

That'’s why they'’re here now.
That'’s it!

Stop giving '’em jobs,
and they won'’t stay.

It'’s that simple.

But you see how
a lot of you are like,

"It'’s more complicated
than that."

You know why you believe that?
Because you watch the news.

And you see
all these people complicating

a very simple issue.

I'’m telling you straight up--

no work, no illegals.

I have proof, okay?

The majority of illegal aliens
are from Mexico.

Mexico borders
the United States of America

on the north.

But on the south,
it actually borders El Salvador

and Guatemala.

Interestingly enough,

neither El Salvador
nor Guatemala

happen to have a fuckin'’
immigration problem!

You know what else
they don'’t have?

Work.
They don'’t have work!

And you know
at least one Mexican went down

and came back to Mexico,
and went, "Wow.

Don'’t go down there."

You ever heard
of a Cuban swimming

to the Dominican Republic?

No work, no illegals.

The problem is, we want to be
victims in this country now.

We really do.

"An illegal alien took my job."

You'’re telling me that some dude
that can'’t speak English

took your job?

I don'’t want to be rude,
but how do you lose your job

to a mime?

And I speak Spanish, okay?
I get it.

'’Cause Spanish
is required sometimes,

and I can'’t imagine
what it'’s like

to be some of you people
that don'’t speak it,

when you'’re caught
in a situation

where you'’re talking to somebody
whose accent is so thick,

you just give up
and come back later.

I understand that, all right?

I was on my way
to Reno, Nevada, okay?

And there'’s
a McDonald'’s there,

and the dude working there,
he'’s an illegal alien,

straight up.

And I knew this
because I drove--

[laughs]

Okay, I drove up
through the drive-through,

and this is exactly
what I heard--

"Welcome to Madonna'’s."

Madonna owns this place?

So I immediately realize
I got to order in Spanish,

or this guy'’s gonna
give me ketchup, straws,

barbecue sauce,
and a McFlurry.

I know this
is about to happen.

"Hey, what is this?"

"It'’s a McFlurry."

"I said make it
in a hurry, bitch.

Are you kidding me?"

[chuckles]

So I order in Spanish,
trying to help him out.

He gets mad at me.

Yeah. This is exactly
how it went down.

"Welcome to Madonna'’s."

[speaking in Spanish]

And he got--
"Oh, that'’s a bull-chit.

I could-a take-a cha order
in Englich."

"Well, you'’re the one
working at '’Madonna'’s,'’ sir."

Now, a lot of you people
have been in that situation,

and I know how you feel,

because sitting next to me
was a guy named Joey Sosa,

who'’s a good friend
of mine.

Happens to be of Mexican descent
from Corpus Christi,

cannot speak a lick
of Spanish, none.

So then he goes,
"See, dude? This is my problem.

"What would I do
if I wasn'’t with you?

"Thank God
you know Spanish.

"And this is why
we hate illegal aliens.

"We don'’t care
that they'’re here,

"but there is a problem
when they work at a place

"where communication skills
are required

"and they don'’t even take
the time to learn the language.

The least they could do
is learn how to speak English."

And I said--and see how
some of you are clapping?

I get it,
but you people clapping--

you haven'’t finished
the thought.

Finish the thought.
That'’s what I said to him.

Take another step.
"What do you mean?"

And for you people that clapped,
think about this.

What does that guy
having that job

say about us Americans?

Nothing? Yes, it does,
because that guy who said

"Welcome to Madonna'’s,"

out of all the people
that applied,

was the best applicant
for that position.

[cheers and applause]

How? How?

I want to see
the other interviews.

How did he end up with the job?

"Can you say
'’welcome to McDonald'’s'’?"

"I love peanut butter,
yes, I do!"

"Can you say
'’welcome to McDonald'’s'’?"

"Lollipop!
I love to lick the lollipop!"

"Can you say
'’welcome to McDonald'’s'’?"

"Welcome to Madonna'’s."

Close enough.
Get that man a headset!

What do we do? We say things
that don'’t make sense.

Do you understand
how stupid we sound on the news

to anybody who even knows
a little bit about our history

when we say things
in America like,

"I don'’t mind immigration,

but I do mind
illegal immigration"?

No, you don'’t.
We'’re America.

Every beautiful thing
that we have in this country

was built illegally.

This is not me saying this
as a beaner.

I'’m saying this
as an American

who accepts the reality
of who we are.

White people, when you
landed on Plymouth Rock,

you did not have a visa.

And look, all the immigrants
are laughing.

Look at all the white people--
"But that was a long time ago."

And some of you
don'’t want to laugh

because we'’re
in an Indian casino.

I know how it is.

It'’s okay.

All the Indians are like,

"Tell it like it is, Carlos.
Tell it like it is."

First of all, let'’s be real.

We don'’t care
about Native Americans

in this country, okay?

And see how some of you
are like, "Yeah, you do."

No, you don'’t. There is not
a person in this room

that after the show--

you walk out in that casino
and hit the jackpot,

not one of you bitches would
give the money back to Geronimo

and apologize
for taking his shit...

none of you.

And you know what?
Neither would I.

I'’d be counting my money
like this.

♪ One little, two little,
three little hundreds ♪

♪ Four little, five little,
six little hundreds ♪

♪ Seven little, eight little,
nine little hundreds ♪

[humming]

[imitates Native American call]

'’Cause I at least can admit
I'’m an American.

I don'’t care about Indians.

Do you think we care
about the feelings

of Native Americans

when we celebrate
Columbus Day?

That'’s the day that the white
man discovered a land...

where Indians had been living
for a few thousand years.

And that'’s the American I want--

that badass, ballsy American.

And I love that American.

That white man
that landed on Plymouth Rock

looked out into America
and said,

"We discovered this land."

The Indians on the beach
were like,

"I don'’t think he sees us.

"Make some noise!"

[imitates
Native American chanting]

"Light a fire!
Light a fire!"

Instead what do we do?

We do things like create laws
that aren'’t necessary.

We already have the law.

Don'’t hire '’em,
they'’re not gonna be here.

But we got to add laws--
Ooh, S.B. 1070 in Arizona.

"If you look, act,
or sound like an illegal,

we'’re gonna ask you
for your papers."

And I'’m not even kidding you,
when that law first passed,

I got over 1,000 phone calls
from people, organizations--

"You need to help us protest.
You need to boycott Arizona."

I will do no such thing.

I love that law
on a personal level,

because my brother Joseph,
who annoys me to no end--

because how can you live
in America for over 45 years

and still say,
"How are '’jou'’?"

I don'’t understand it.
I don'’t get it.

And that dude moved to Arizona

three months
before the law passed.

And I gave him
the down payment.

I knew what
was gonna happen.

Because, people,
he doesn'’t even try.

Whatever you think about me,

whatever you think about me,
people, I try.

Yeah, 1992,
I saw myself on HBO.

I did a joke where I went,
"Oh, come on, homes.

You don'’t eat the penis."

And I went, "Oh, my God.

"That accent'’s
not gonna sell any tickets

outside of Los Angeles."

So I bought these
annunciation tapes,

and I'’m at home
trying to be a good American,

going, "Ten dwarves
took turns doing handstands

on the carpet."

Yeah. My brother Joseph
walks in--

"Hey, '’eberybody'’!
We gonna celebrate tonight!

I pass the test. I become a
citizen of the Chunited Estate."

"How did you pass the test?

Was there not a verbal portion
of this exam?"

He looked at me
right in the face and went,

"It was easy.

They give it to me
in E-Spanish."

By the way,
that is not a joke.

My brother took the test
to become an American

in Spanish.

So you can imagine
how happy I was

when I'’m watching CNN

and that woman signs
the bill into law.

And 22 seconds later,
my phone rings.

It'’s my brother Joseph.
I wonder what he has to say.

I hit "answer."
I went like this, "Hello?"

This is exactly what I heard
come out of his mouth.

"'’Samana'’ bitch!"

"'’Jou'’ know they gonna ask me
for my papers."

Ironically, my brother really
is an American citizen,

but he is afraid that they'’re
gonna ask him for his papers,

so he goes around town

with an American passport
in his pocket out of fear.

Yeah.
Ironically, I have a friend

who'’s an actual
illegal alien, okay?

He'’s a real illegal.

He is not afraid whatsoever
of being asked for his papers,

because he happens to be
a white guy from England.

Yeah.

And he lives
in Scottsdale, Arizona.

So, when the law passed, right,

two weeks later
I go visit my brother.

I call my friend up. I'’m like,
"You want to have lunch?"

He says yes.
We'’re having lunch,

I look at him straight
in the face and go,

"Hey, man,
what are you gonna do, bro?

"S.B. 1070 passed, and they'’re
looking for illegals.

"You gonna move out?
You gonna go to another state?

What'’s going on?"

In the calmest voice,

he looked at me
right in the face and went...

[British accent]
"Well, that law is not for me."

[normal voice] "Uh, it'’s
exactly for you, wetback."

Oh, come on, he'’s a wetback.
Let'’s get that out of the way.

"If we are gonna call
Mexicans wetbacks,

"symbolically speaking,

"for crossing a river
that wide and that deep,

you crossed
the Atlantic, bitch."

[cheers and applause]

"You are a wetback cubed."

He didn'’t even laugh.

He just looked at me
right in the face and went,

[British accent]
"Carlos, look at me.

"Do you honestly believe
that the police

would ever ask me
for me papers?"

[normal voice]
No, I don'’t, you son of a bitch.

I hate you!
God, I hate the truth!

'’Cause at that moment,
I realized

that if him and my brother
were to get into an altercation,

you know what I mean?

And the cops show up,
and they'’re like,

"Break it up right now
or you'’re both going to jail.

"I need to know
why this went down.

What'’s your side of the story?"

[British accent] "Officer,
I'’ll tell you what happened.

"I was walking down the street,
minding me own business,

"when from on
across the street,

"I heard this bloke yell out,
'’Show your papers.'’

"So I came across the street
and showed him

"the same respect he showed me
by punching him in the face.

That'’s how this started
on my behalf."

[normal voice] "I understand
why you did it, sir.

What about you?
What'’s your side of the story?"

"Okay.

I'’m gonna tell you
'’the troo.'’"

[normal voice] "Show me your
papers first, though, please."

"Okay, that'’s bull-chit.
That'’s bull-chit!"

"He was talking funny,
too, okay?

"He was talking funny, too.

"And sometime he drive on
the wrong side of the street.

Ask him about that.
Ask him about that."

See, look at some of you--
"Was he dyslexic?"

Whatever.
Let'’s just move on.

See, '’cause for me,
life is about moments, man,

like this moment.

I'’m trying
to make it a great moment.

That'’s what we'’re all about.

I'’m gonna create
a moment tomorrow.

You tell me if this is gonna be
a fun moment, all right?

I'’m gonna drive
down to Tijuana, Mexico,

and right when you
cross the border,

there'’s actually not a fence.

A lot of structural stuff.
Here'’s what I'’m gonna do.

I'’m gonna walk on
the Mexican side of the border

till it becomes a fence.

Then I'’m gonna climb the fence
and straddle it.

I'’m gonna be half and half,
pretending to jump over,

just to get the attention
of Border Patrol.

And when that Border Patrol car,
which is a Ford Explorer

white SUV with a green stripe
on the side...

Look at all the mojados--
"He knows!"

And when that car
is right there,

you know what I'’m gonna do?

I'’m gonna hop over
and land on American soil.

And I just want to see the look
on his face when he goes,

"Hey! This is
the United States of America!

It is a sovereign na--"

"Shh!

I am discovering this land."

"I discover your car
and your keys.

"Please give them to me.

"Don'’t cry, señor.
Someday you will have a casino.

Shh."

Look at all the Indians--
"No! No! No! No!"

Because when we'’re honest,
we can be this.

We can be real.
We can be honest and real.

And that'’s when we can get
the truth out of who we are.

Instead of "what happened?"
and "it'’s not my fault,"

let'’s be honest.

America, beside
of what anybody thinks--

Let me tell you something
about our country.

Our country is so badass,
so awesome, so--

We have a food network.

Other countries
don'’t even have food.

Do you see the difference?

People in other countries
watch our food network

like we watch
the porn channel...

in utter disbelief
of what they'’re seeing.

You ever watch porn, and you
masturbate under protest?

'’Cause you'’re looking at it
and going, "All right.

"I'’m gonna do it, but I just
want it for the record--

"there is no way
that the gardener

"is getting that kind
of quality ass.

I don'’t believe it.
I don'’t believe it!"

That'’s what they'’re doing
in other countries.

"Oh, there cannot be
that many Bundt cakes."

"Oh, look at all those eggs!
Look at all those eggs!"

Do you want me to tell you
how awesome our country is?

And you got to think about this
for a second,

because when I say it,

it'’s not gonna make
any sense to you,

because we have nothing
to compare it to.

But think
about other countries,

and you'’ll understand
what I'’m saying.

America is so amazing,

we actually have
fat poor people.

And look how
a lot of you are like,

"I don'’t understand
why that'’s funny."

Because in other countries,
it'’s not like that.

We know you'’re poor in Africa
because you look like that.

Like that with a head.

Aha! You see how you recognized
the fly swatting?

And by the way,

I'’m not telling you this
so you'’ll feel guilty about it.

I'’m not that comedian.
Good for you if you'’re fat.

Seriously.

You'’re calorie-rich, bitch!

Yes!

But we need to put it
in perspective,

because there'’s people out there
that say stupid things like,

"Well, in other countries..."

I don'’t want to hear
about other countries.

Do you want me to tell you why?
Because we'’re Americans.

And we'’re different
than every other country,

because we'’re the crazy people
of every other country.

Normal Mexicans are in Mexico.

Normal white people
are in Europe.

We'’re not those people.
We are the crazy people.

That'’s why we come up with ideas
that nobody else does.

We live in a country where
a redneck got drunk off his ass,

woke up with his robe
on backwards,

looked at his friend,
and went,

"Hey, I'’m gonna call this
a Snuggie and sell it.

What do you think?"

We'’re crazy.

Why do you think that we'’re
the only country in the world

that doesn'’t embrace soccer
as its national sport?

Do you know why?
It'’s not true. It'’s not.

You'’re telling me
that we embrace soccer

as our national sport?

No, we don'’t,
and do you know why?

- Bullshit!
- It'’s bullshit that we don'’t?

No, it'’s bullshit
that you want us to.

[cheers and applause]

And let me tell you why--

because it'’s not
the actual sport itself.

See, that'’s your problem.

You like the sport, and you want
the rest of us to enjoy it.

That'’s not what we hate,

because football
is just an involved--

It'’s actually called "football"
everywhere else except for here.

Basketball is just soccer
with hoops.

Hockey is just soccer
with ice on sticks.

So why is it that we like
those sports but not soccer?

And you want me to tell you why?
Because we'’re America.

And we believe
in winning and losing,

but we do not believe
in mediocrity.

And what we hate about soccer
is a tie.

That'’s what we hate
about soccer.

No ties.
We don'’t like '’em.

No!

No tie!

Could you imagine
what would happen

if you went
to a baseball game,

and, at the end of nine innings,
it'’s tied...

and everybody starts
walking off the field?

You'’d be like,
"Whoa, whoa, whoa.

what'’s going on here?"

"The game is over."

"Nothing is over!"

I paid $42 for two beers
and nachos.

You will get the fuck
back on the field now!

Get out there, now.

[cheers and applause]

There will be a winner
and a loser!

That'’s what we hate.

And for all
the intelligent people in here

who think I just went
to a visceral joke

to get a visceral reaction,

fine--
I'’ll talk to you.

- Talk to me, fucker!

- Why do you think

that we haven'’t left
Iraq or Afghanistan yet,

being that if we leave today,

we didn'’t lose?

You want me to tell you why?

Because we didn'’t win either.
That'’s why.

Because we believe in winning.

And when we leave Iraq
and we leave Afghanistan,

the world will know
that we won.

Because Vietnam left
the taste of ass in our mouth,

that we never want again.

We will win.
And you know what happened?

A lot of people
forgot about that.

A lot of people thought

we'’re really
politically correct America

who doesn'’t tell gay jokes.

No, that'’s not
who we really are.

America is really a country

that when we say we'’re
gonna do something, we do it,

even if it takes us
ten years.

I guarantee you
Osama bin Laden was chillin'’,

thinking the same thing.

"Oh, the American people
forgot about me.

Ten years.
They'’re not even looking."

Knock, knock.
"Who'’s there?"

"Us, bitch,
that'’s who'’s there.

"Us! America!

Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah!"

[cheers and applause]

Navy SEAL Team 6, bitch!

And that'’s how crazy
America is.

Why did we send Navy SEALs
instead of the Special Forces?

Because we knew
that farther away

the Navy SEALs
got from water,

the more angry
these son of a bitches became!

That'’s why!

By the time they got
to the desert,

they were like,
"Shoot the bitches!"

[imitates gunfire]

Do you want me to tell you
how crazy they were?

They blew up
their own helicopter!

"We need to get back
to the water now!"

"What do we do
with Osama'’s body?"

"Put it in the ocean!"

And look at all the Republicans
that want to laugh,

but you can'’t...

'’cause that was a sad day
for Republicans, bro.

It was a happy five seconds.

Then all Republicans
got a text or a phone call.

"Hey, Osama bin Laden'’s dead."

And you know what you did.
You turned on the news.

And it said
"Osama bin Laden Dead,"

and you Republicans went, "Yes,
we got that son of a bitch,

'’cause we'’re America."

Then you realized
what that really meant,

and you went,
"Son of a bitch!

"Obama'’s gonna win again!

No! No!"

[whining]

And you know somewhere
Bush was going,

"I thought he was in a cave."

And you know Obama'’s
pissed at himself.

"Ugh!"

The timing of the President
was off by days.

Could you imagine
if his timing had been right

what he could'’ve done?

He could'’ve come out
and looked at America and said,

"I am Barack Obama,

"President of
the United States of America,

"and I set the orders
to kill Osama bin Laden,

"illegally, in a foreign,
sovereign nation,

"without their permission,

"and against the Constitution,

"which says we should never
assassinate somebody.

"I sent our Navy SEALs
on a team to kill.

"But not only that.

Osama bin Laden
is not only dead..."

And then he could'’ve
actually had a picture

of dead Osama bin Laden

holding the President'’s
birth certificate.

That would'’ve been the bomb!

Oh, my God, at that point,

he wouldn'’t have
even had to talk.

He would'’ve just whipped it out
and walked away.

It'’s accepted.

Instead what do we have?

People that want to hate
their own country.

"We'’re an imperialist nation,"
and this and that.

First of all, other countries
are gonna hate us

no matter what we do.

You want me
to tell you why?

Because they think
we'’re arrogant.

And you know why
they think we'’re arrogant?

Because we'’re Americans,
and our lives are so amazing

that when we go
to other countries,

we think they live like us.

So we ask them for things
that we think are normal,

but they'’re not normal.

So then they get mad at us.

Like air-conditioning.

Air-conditioning is normal
in America--in anywhere.

You could go
to a trailer park.

These sons of bitches
got little A.C.s--

everywhere we go.

But it ain'’t like that
in other countries.

And I know some of you
right now are going,

"Well, I'’ve been to Mexico,
and they had air conditioners."

No, you'’ve never
been to Mexico.

You went to Cancun or Mazatlan
or Puerto Vallarta.

That'’s Little America in Mexico.
That'’s what that is.

If you really want to go
to Mexico,

the next time you go to Cabo,

get in a cab
and tell the Mexican driver,

"Hey, señor, take me
to the real Mexico."

He'’ll be like,
"Are you sure?"

"It no look like this!"

I wanted to go to Jamaica.

My friend'’s like, "Don'’t go
to the regular Jamaica.

Go to the real Jamaica
where we go."

And my stupid ass--

"I'’m gonna go
to the real Jamaica!"

Dumb ass.

I get there,
and it'’s hot as balls.

And I'’m not--

I'’m trying really hard
not to be that American

that goes and complains,

but let me tell you
what happened.

A bead of sweat
developed right here

on the top of my head,
and it rolled down,

and it got bigger,
and it rolled down and down,

and when it hit my asshole,
I went, "That'’s enough.

That is enough! No!"

I went to the front desk,
and I'’m like--

Seriously,
this is not a joke.

"I don'’t care
how much money it costs.

I want the room
with an air conditioner."

The guy laughed in my face.

[imitates laughter]

[Jamaican accent] Dis boy want
an air condition-ah!"

[exhales deeply]

"Did ya feel da breeze?"

[normal voice] You would think
that the cradle, right,

the birthplace
of our civilization--Europe--

would be just like us
or even better,

'’cause they had
a head start on us, but, no.

You ever go to Europe,
get used to a couple things.

Buildings with no elevators
'’cause they'’re old.

Buildings with no A.C.
'’cause they'’re old.

A lot of warm beverages,
and interestingly enough,

if you'’re lucky to get ice,
they'’re gonna put three cubes,

and you better be happy.

Don'’t be an idiot
like I was

when I was in France
and the guy gave me three cubes,

and I'’m like,
"I'’m sorry, monsieur.

Uh, can I have
some more ice, please?"

[French accent]
"Oh, ze American asshole

wants more fuckin'’ ice, huh?"

[normal voice]
"Is it harder to freeze water

"in this part of the world
or something?

"Because I asked for ice,
not a penguin.

I don'’t understand
your reaction."

And he looks at me,
and he goes,

[French accent] "You are
a typical American asshole.

Suce le."

[normal voice] Yeah.
And I went, "Whoa, whoa, whoa.

"Don'’t ever tell me
to '’suck it'’ in French,

assuming that I don'’t know
your language."

[speaking in French]

Yeah.

He'’s like,
"Oh, really?"

I'’m like, "Oui, oui.

"Listen, bro...

"I believe we started off
on the wrong foot.

"Why are you upset
that I asked you for ice,

"being that I think
it'’s really meaningless,

and I don'’t understand this?

And he goes,
"I will tell you ze problem.

"People come to France
from all over ze world,

"and they ask
for a cold beverage,

"but ze only people who complain
are ze Americans.

"Why? Why is this, eh?

"Do you see that black man?
He is from Africa.

"He asked for a cold beverage.
We give him three cubes.

Look at how happy he is.
Why is he so happy?"

"Because he'’s from Africa,

and he'’s probably
never seen ice before."

He'’s probably gonna call
his friends and be like,

"Unbuntu, you are not going
to believe dis.

"Dey froze water!

Like a rock!
Like a rock!"

"I, sir, on the other hand,
am not impressed by ice.

"But it doesn'’t come
from a place of arrogance

"like you think.

"It comes
from a place of humility.

"You see, in America, we expect
a nice restaurant like this

"to have ice, and do you want me
to tell you why?

"Because in America,
when we go out to eat,

"not at the great restaurants,
not at the good ones,

"not at the okay ones,
not at the mediocre ones,

"but at the crappiest ones
we have,

"they actually
don'’t give us a beverage,

"nor do they give us ice.

"They actually give us
an empty cup

and point us
to this magical machine."

"And we put it in,
and ice just comes out of it!"

And for some reason,
toward the end,

a big chunk falls in.

Right? It does.
And by the time you pull out,

you'’re like, "There'’s way
too much ice in here."

So we pour some of it out!

And then we fill it up
with Diet Coke,

'’cause we'’re really fat.

By the way, that joke
is gonna be hysterical

the next time you go
to one of those places,

and you'’re about to get it,

and you see all the ice
under the grate.

People are gonna be like,
"Why are you laughing?"

"You don'’t understand.
The guy was like,

"'’Three cubes, three cubes.'’

"And the African is like,

"'’You are not going
to believe this.

You are not going
to believe this.'’"

Who are we instead, huh?

We'’re the people that want to
complain about everything now.

We'’re the people that want to
bitch our way into success.

And when people like me
make fun of idiots--

"You'’re mean, Carlos."

It'’s not that I'’m mean.

It'’s that somebody
has to talk to these people,

because if we don'’t tell people
when they make mistakes,

they'’re just gonna repeat '’em
over and over again.

As an example,
why can'’t we talk about

the people
that lost their houses?

"Oh, they lost
their houses."

Yeah, but why did they
lose their houses?

Can we talk about that?

"Well, why didn'’t
any smart people know

"or predict that this
economic downfall would occur

with regard
to the mortgage crisis?"

Uh, because smart people
never thought,

never even fathomed that
that many million Americans

would buy a house
they couldn'’t fuckin'’ afford.

That'’s why.

And see?

Look at all the people
that aren'’t clapping.

"You'’re mean, Carlos."
That'’s not it!

It'’s that, where is there
personal responsibility

for what we do?

I got a heart,
and I have a brain.

The problem with me
is my brain and my heart

are always fighting, okay?

'’Cause here'’s what happens.

I turn on the news,
and I see a guy, right, going,

"I lost my home
because my mortgage

"more than doubled.

"It went from $1,100
to $2,300...

"because I didn'’t know
that it was an adjustable rate.

I didn'’t know that
it was an adjustable rate."

You know what happens
at that moment?

My heart goes, "Oh, my God.
Let'’s get this guy'’s name

"and send him $5,000
so he can stay in that house

for a little longer."

That'’s what my heart says.
I swear to God.

You know what
my brain says?

"Uh, hold on.
Before you write that check,

I got a question."

"Uh, let me
get this straight.

"You lost your house
because you didn'’t know

"that it was
with an adjustable rate?

"So you initialed
or signed each page

"of a stack of papers
that thick,

"saying you would pay something
for 30 years of your life,

"and you forgot to read it.

"Is that what happened?

Is that what happened?"

How do you not read
your contract?

I'’ll make people
start reading their contracts.

I'’m gonna slip things in there
on page, like, number 7.

Things that say,
in simple English,

"If you initial
the bottom of this page,

you agree to the fact
that a big black guy

"with a 13-inch penis

"is gonna come
and do your mom from behind

once a month."

Oh, people will start reading
their contracts after that!

You show up at Nana'’s house,
and there'’s a black guy going,

"What'’s up, baby?
What'’s up?

"What'’s up, baby?
Ah!

"You didn'’t read the contract?
Ah, suki-suki!

"It'’s all good, baby.
I brought it. It'’s right there.

"Go ahead.
Read it now, read it now.

"It'’s on page 7, baby.

Oh, let me flip it
to page 7 for your ass."

Mom'’s gonna be like,
"I can'’t believe

you didn'’t read
the contract!"

Everybody'’s become a victim.

"It'’s not my fault.
It'’s not my fault."

We'’re making diseases
out of choices now.

My friend called me up.
He'’s like, "I have a disease.

I'’m an alcoholic."

"Uh, that'’s not a disease.
That'’s a choice."

"Well, my doctor said
it'’s a disease."

"Well, I'’m not a doctor,
but I'’m telling you,

"according to me,
it'’s a choice.

You choose to drink,
or you choose not to drink."

That'’s not a disease.
That'’s a choice.

Okay?

Nobody would have polio

if it came in a shot glass.

[chuckles]

You would never show up
at your friend'’s house

on a Sunday morning--
"What happened last night?"

"Party time, bitches!

Should'’ve had
the Jager bombs!"

And look at me.
I do feel sorry for people.

There are people
that I really feel sorry for.

I feel sorry for Mexicans
with thick mustaches

that look like Saddam Hussein
at the airport security.

You know he gets checked
every time he flies.

"I'’m sorry, sir.
Random security check."

He'’s speaking Spanish.

Hijo de tu puta madre.

Yo no soy, cabrón!

I am not the guy
you are looking for.

You are looking for
a-la-la-la-la-la-la!

But I am...

♪ La-la-la, la-la,
la bamba ♪

You see the difference?

I feel sorry
for people in Japan.

Yeah.

Joplin gets hit by one tornado,

one tornado--freaking out.

They got hit
by three disasters in a row--

a trifecta of terror.

You know people in Japan
are looking up to the heavens,

talking to God, going...

[Japanese accent]
"Okay, we have to have

a very serious conversation."

"Something happened down here.

"I don'’t know
if you know or not.

"The universe
is a huge place.

Maybe you on other side.
I don'’t know this."

"But I want to tell you
other perspectives

"so you understand, okay?

"Okay. First we get hit
by a giant earthquake.

"As horrible as this was...

"this is Japan.

"We are an island

"that happens to be situated
on a fault line.

"We understand this, okay?

"We expect this to happen.
We know where we live.

"We have no problem, okay?

"Then we get hit by a tsunami.

"Again, we are an island
surrounded by water

"on a fault line.

"This is expected.

"We understand this.
We accept this.

"We have no problem
with those two.

"Okay.

"Then we get hit
by a nuclear disaster.

What the fuck?"

"Holy shit.

We make one bad Toyota..."

"And you do this?"

My son.

Yeah,
my 4 1/2-year-old son, Luke.

He gets it.
You know how I know?

I'’m watching TV with him
the other day.

He loves watching TV with me.
We'’re watching MSNBC.

There'’s a 400-pound guy
on there talking about obesity.

They throw it to him.

"You say that obesity
is not the problem?

I don'’t understand,
so explain it to us."

"Well, I don'’t believe
that it is.

"I believe it'’s a symptom
of the problem.

"And in my opinion,
the problem

"is a lack of restriction
in regulations

"upon a fast-food industry.

"They open up
their markets anywhere.

"They saturate cities.

"Their food is disgusting
and bad for you calorically.

"Most of it is deep-fried.
It'’s inexpensive.

"And on top of it,
it is convenient.

"You don'’t even have
to get out of your car

"to feed yourself.

"Do you realize
that when I go to work,

"I have to drive by
ten fast-food restaurants?

"That'’s 20 a day,
that'’s 100 a week,

"not including
the miscellaneous ones

"on the weeknights or weekdays
when I have to run errands.

"So we'’re talking about,
on a weekly basis,

"I drive by at least 175

"to 225 or more
fast-food restaurants.

"Multiply that
by 52 weeks a year,

"and then you kind of gauge
the enormity of this problem.

"And of course people like me
sometimes pull over

"and have a meal
at a fast-food restaurant

"out of convenience
and time constraints.

What else are we supposed to do
when they'’re everywhere?"

And Luke yelled out,
"Keep fuckin'’ driving!"

Yeah, buy a Toyota, bitch.
It won'’t stop.

[imitates car zooming]

We need to realize
that we are the country

that makes movies
about pirates,

while other countries
have real pirates.

And that'’s the news again,
making it bigger than it is.

"Pirates off the coast
of Africa."

You mean skinny,
starving Somalians?

"They'’re pirates."

They'’re not pirates.

First of all,
in order to be a pirate,

you have to have
a pirate ship, okay?

A ship.

Not a 12-foot pontoon dinghy
with air sides.

And a 25-outboard-horsepower
Evinrude.

No.

If having a 12-footer
makes you a pirate,

there'’s at least 10 rednecks
and 30 mojadosin here going...

[Southern accent]
"Well, I'’m a pirate, too. Shit.

"I didn'’t know I was a pirate.

Arr! Arr!"

[Mexican accent]
"I am a pirate!

[rolling tongue]
Ere! Ere!"

[normal voice] Come on, people,
that'’s "R" in Spanish.

Seriously.
Let'’s get the jokes.

How can you call yourself
a pirate when...

[chuckles]

when you'’re in the middle
of the ocean going,

ba, ba, ba, ba.

Ba, ba, ba, ba, ba.

"Dis tree-foot waves
is slowing da ship down."

Ba, ba, ba, ba.

Catching air.
Ba...

Ba, ba, ba, ba, ba,
ba, ba, ba, ba...

[laughs]

How can you
call yourself a pirate

when you have to put air
in your ship?

These guys are trying
to talk smack.

"Look at dat ship over der.

"We are going to take it over,
for we are pirates.

"We are here to take.
We are not here to ask.

"We are going to take hostages,

but we can only fit one
in da pirate ship."

"But before we set sail,

"we must prepare de pirate ship.

Let'’s do dis."

[exhaling deeply]

"We are pirates."

[laughter and applause]

Look at--
some of you are like,

"They don'’t have
air compressors?"

No, they don'’t have
air compressors!

They don'’t have rice. You think
they have air compressors?

And you got to ask yourself
this question

with regard to that joke--

Is that joke
over $20 million of funny?

Because that'’s how much
it cost America

for me to tell that joke,
because, of course,

what did they do on the news
that I told you?

Exacerbated a situation.

"Pirates off the coast
of Africa

"commandeered
an American vessel.

"They took a hostage
which happens to be the captain,

"who is an American citizen.

How will America react?"

$20 million worth, baby.
Yeah.

We sent two fully armed naval
battleship frigate destroyers

with laser-guided missiles,
Sidewinder missiles,

heat-seeking missiles,
Tomahawk missiles,

50-millimeter canons,
over 7,000 troops,

10,000 M4s,
over 18,000 grenades,

over 36 snipers,

and over 18
of those huge canons.

All of that armada
and artillery

to deal with six
skinny, starving,

licorice-lollipop-lookin'’,
emaciated Africans on a...

ba, ba, ba, ba, ba,
ba, ba, ba, ba, ba.

President Mencia would'’ve
saved us all that money!

I would'’ve sent one American

that can throw a dart
really far.

That would'’ve been
the end of that.

Ba, ba, ba--
[imitates pop, air hissing]

"It is a direct hit!
It is a direct hit!"

"Dey sank our battleship.
Dey sank our battleship."

"Unbuntu, did you
bring da duct tape?"

"We must patch de ship.

"We cannot sink.
We are black. We cannot swim.

Please, Unbuntu, please!"

It'’s okay to laugh. Let it out,
let it out, let it out.

This is the problem
with America.

We want to laugh, but we don'’t,
and we hold it in,

and that'’s why we
have more serial killers

than anybody else.

Let it out.

First of all,
that joke is real.

No, it is in America.
You didn'’t know this?

In the United States of America,

this statement is actually
accurate statistically--

"Black people can'’t swim."

Yeah. Seriously.
You know why?

Because over half
of black people,

which is the majority,
cannot swim.

Black people are actually
three and a half more times

likely to drown
than any other race.

That is a fact.

What I find astounding

is right now
that I said that fact,

look at all the white Americans
going, "What?"

"Black people can'’t swim?"

"Is it genetic, Carlos?
What is it?"

Oh, come on, cracker,
you know why they can'’t swim.

Look at you--
"I don'’t know why."

I don'’t know. Maybe it'’s
because back in the day

when they wanted to get
in the pool, you didn'’t let '’em.

Maybe that'’s
why they can'’t swim.

Ohh!

Yeah.

Remember that sign,
white people?

"No diving, no running,
no niggers."

Remember that sign?

We didn'’t let '’em
in the pool.

[Southern accent]
"Hey, hey, hey!

"Get the hell
out of my pool, boy.

Gonna turn it
into grape Kool-Aid!"

[normal voice] We pulled out
a gun and chased them away.

Now, ironically,
black people run really fast,

but they can'’t swim
worth a damn.

But you see how some of you
are still hesitant?

Some of you are like, "I think
that joke'’s gonna be very funny

on the way home."

And here'’s the weird part.

People think that
I'’ll just say anything.

That'’s not true.
I censor myself all the time.

Like, the first time
I saw Barack Obama,

I had a thought,
and I immediately went,

"I can'’t say that, man.

"People are gonna misconstrue
what I'’m saying,

"take it the wrong way,
and use it in a way

"that I do not want anybody
to use my words.

I am not gonna do it."

But you know what I did?

I went into a Catholic church
in East L.A.

called Our Lady of Soledad

on the corner of Ford
and Cesar Chavez.

I walked in, I lit a candle
to La Virgen Maria de Guadalupe,

and I said, "Virgen, I make
people laugh for a living.

"I deserve one thing
in my life,

"and this is what I want.

"I want the black guy
to become President.

"I don'’t care
about his politics.

"Him winning,
whether he sucks or not,

"is good for the country
because it breaks a barrier.

"But I'’m not gonna lie to you.

"More importantly,

"there'’s a joke
that I really want to tell,

and I can'’t tell it
unless he becomes President."

And she made my wish
come true,

and now I can say
that Barack Obama

looks like
Curious fuckin'’ George.

I said it.

And it'’s not
because he'’s black.

It'’s because
he'’s kind of yellow,

he has the hairline
and the ears.

The ears make the outfit.

All right, some of you people
aren'’t laughing.

Close your eyes.
Close your eyes!

What would you do
if Barack Obama

walked onto this stage,

followed by
Vice President Joseph Biden,

who is wearing
a yellow trench coat?

You would laugh your ass off.

You would be sitting there
going, "Oh, my God.

"If during the speech
the President actually says

'’I'’m just curious'’..."

I love, love,
love doing racial jokes.

Love it.
And it'’s not because

I like messing
with other people.

It'’s because I see the unity
in racial jokes

that a lot of people
don'’t see.

'’Cause this woman approached me,
and she'’s like,

"It'’s disgusting and abhorrent
that you tell those jokes,

and I don'’t even understand
why people laugh."

And I said, "Well, because
we view them differently

than you do."

And she said, "You'’re
just making fun of people."

I said, "No. You see,
when I tell a racial joke

"about anything
and people laugh,

"it'’s an affirmation
that they know

who I'’m talking about."

And they know
who I'’m talking about

because they know
what I'’m talking about,

because we live amongst
each other to the point

where our
idiosyncratic behavior

is known to all of us,

because the tapestry of America
isn'’t black, isn'’t white,

isn'’t Hispanic.

It is every possible
living type of human being.

You do realize
that we'’re the only country

that can do jokes
about anybody else,

and we understand
what that means.

You do get that?

You do understand, all right...

that if I went to Sweden

and did a joke
about how Mexicans cut grass,

over there they'’d be like,
"A flirty thirty never hurty."

They wouldn'’t know what
I'’m talking about, okay?

If I went to Japan
and told them

Black people had bigger penises,
they'’d be like,

"Seriously?"

"Is this true?"

"Over one Toyota?"

This is ridiculous."

I guarantee you that if I did
a joke about a terrorist,

but instead
of doing this voice--

[Arabic accent]
"What are you talking about?"

I did this voice--

[Indian accent]
"I am a terrorist,

and I'’m here
to blow you up."

[normal voice]
See, you laugh

because you know that'’s not
the same guy.

If I did a joke
about a Puerto Rican

with a Mexican accent,
you'’d be like,

"No, no, no.

You have to talk like this,
not like dis."

Because we are way different
than any other country.

And you know
where I found this out?

In Iraq, ironically.

I'’m performing in Baghdad
in front of 10,000 troops.

I do a joke,
and I come over here

to give this guy a high five
who'’s black,

and then when
he raised his arm

I saw that
his last name was "Black,"

and it made me laugh
for just a second.

Right? '’Cause I was like,
"What up?

Ha ha ha ha ha.
Black Black."

And I tried to move on,
but I couldn'’t,

because my other eye

peripherally caught
the guy next to him,

who was a white guy,
and his last name was Svenson,

which is
a Scandinavian name.

And the juxtaposition of
the black guy and the white guy

with those two names
made me go, "Wait a minute.

Who am I performing for?
Who are these Americans?"

And I started reading
the last names,

and I saw Black,
and I saw Svenson,

and I saw Doyle,
and I saw McKelly,

and I saw Shropshire.

I saw Rinaldo. I saw Bellini.
I saw Popodopolis.

I saw Chakoff.
I saw Westhoffer.

I saw Wakinsky.
I saw Bing.

I saw Lee. I saw Chang.
I saw Yamato.

I saw Mutombo.
I saw Ahmed.

I saw Hernandez.

And I looked up
at these Americans

of every race, color,
religion imaginable,

and it hit me
at that very moment.

Do you people realize
that America

is the only country
in the world

that, when we go to war,
our troops literally have

to wear uniforms, because
no matter who we'’re fighting,

we have people on our team
that look like them.

That is awesome!
That is awesome!

Are you kidding me?

There will be no
shirts and skins in this game.

If we went to war
against Mexico,

we would have to tell
all our beaner troops,

"Hey, do not ever
take off your shirt.

And the pointy boots
are confusing everybody."

But you want me to tell you
what'’s even better?

What makes us great

is when we come together
as a race.

No matter what, we'’re good at it
when we come together.

That'’s when we'’re the best.

That'’s why we always kick ass
in the Summer Olympics,

because it'’s not whites,
it'’s not blacks.

It'’s all of us together.
And don'’t forget--

don'’t forget
that we are way better

when we come together.

I'’ll give you an example.

The United States Air Force,

best air force
in the history of warfare--

accuracy, dogfighting,
everything--the best.

Interestingly enough,

only one squadron of airmen
in the history of air warfare

have the distinction
of being perfect

at their jobs,

and those happen to be
the black--all black--

Tuskegee Airmen out of Alabama,
who, during World War II,

never lost a plane that
they escorted into battle...

never, okay?

That'’s what made us awesome.

Yeah. And we weren'’t
even gonna let you fly

'’cause you'’re black.

But one of the black guys
stole a plane

and started flying
without his hands,

and we were like,
"Get some more planes."

Even the Germans were like,
"Undhe shoot me,

"but he was raising
ze roof.

I don'’t understand zis."

Because America'’s not white.

America'’s never been white.

America'’s always been
"how can we kick ass?"

And you know when
we started kicking ass,

like in the Olympics?

When we let an Indian,
Jim Thorpe, get in

and said, "Hey, go win
some medals for us."

Matter of fact,
think of the irony of this.

During World War II, there was
a man named Adolf Hitler

who professed
that the white Aryan race

was superior to all others,

at a time when we
in America believed

America'’s white and racist.

But that white racist America--

who did we send
to go show the world

that we'’re better
at athletics?

A black guy named Jesse Owens.

And we told him,
"Run like you stole some shit."

Now, ironically,

as good as we'’ve been
in the Summer Olympics,

we'’ve never been great
at the white--

I mean, uh, Winter Olympics...

until this last Olympiad.

Did you know that
this last Winter Olympiad,

United States of America,
if I'’m not mistaken,

for the first time
in the history

of the Winter Olympics,

got more medals
than any other country?

But it is not because
white people got better.

It is because
we allowed nonwhites in

who got a lot
of medals for us.

Without Apolo Ohno'’s
Asian ass,

we ain'’t going over the top.

Without that Cuban chick
who'’s an ice skater,

we ain'’t going over the top.

Without that black
speed skater guy,

we ain'’t going over the top.

And that'’s what I love
about America.

And we could talk
a lot of smack and laugh

and whatever,
but when we need each other,

we looked at a black guy
and said, "Hey, man,

"we need your athleticism
in the Winter Olympics.

Here'’s some ice skates.
Go practice."

He was like, "What the hell?"

"Relax.
The water'’s frozen."

[chuckles]

"What?"

Do you see how fun it is
to laugh at that stuff?

And here'’s the weird part.

Like, people look at me,
and they'’re like,

"Man, you go too far
with this stuff."

I just want you
to understand

that I really do try
to censor myself,

that for every joke I do

where you people
think I went too far,

I swear to God on my son Luke

there are at least
three more jokes in my head

that I would never tell you.

The problem with me
is I grew up in East L.A.

And what people
don'’t understand

is when you grow up
in the projects,

simple things
are life and death.

If somebody comes up
to you and says,

"Hey, man, where you from?"
you answer that question.

Not where I grew up,

'’cause if you answer
the wrong question,

you might be
in Arizona territory

or White Fence territory
or the Rock territory.

You don'’t know who that is,
so you got to swell up.

You got to be ghetto.
You got to be badass.

So, when somebody came up to me
and said, "Where you from?"

"Where you from, puto?
Fuck you. You got a problem?

"Let'’s do it, cabrón.
Afuera.

"But don'’t be talking shit
unless you'’re ready

to fuckin'’ throw down, bitch."

And by the way,

do you see how all the ghetto
people are like, "Yeah"?

And that'’s my problem.

I live in Encino.
I don'’t need that crap anymore.

The problem is,
I still have it in me,

and I hate that guy.

"Ghetto Carlos" gets me
in trouble all the time.

I don'’t like him.

And I'’m trying to get rid
of him, but I can'’t.

And the other day
he almost got me killed.

I'’ll tell you what happened.
I did a show just like this.

And I leave the club.

At the end of the night,

this black guy comes up to me

as I'’m walking out the back.

"Yo, man, you and me
need to talk

"about what you said
about Barack Obama,

know what I'’m sayin'’?"

And I was like, "No.

"But I'’m hoping
that you'’ll clarify

during further conversation."

And he'’s like, "Yo, man.

"Why don'’t you say something
positive about Barack Obama?

"All you talk about
is that he look like--

"You know, what he look like,
and that'’s funny and all,

but, you know, you need
to say something else."

And I was like,
"First of all, bro,

"I'’m just a comedian.

"Don'’t take me so seriously.

That'’s what I do.
I tell jokes."

And he'’s like,
"Oh, you just gonna, like,

"sweep it
under the rug, right?

"I'’m trying
to help you, dog.

How you know a brother like me
ain'’t got a gun?"

And that'’s when
I got a little ghetto

and went, "Bitch, how you know a
brother like me ain'’t got a gun?

Where do you think I grew up?
I grew up in East L.A."

Then I realized what I said,
and I'’m like,

"By the way, I don'’t have a gun.
I'’m just saying...

how do you know
I don'’t have a gun?"

So I realized
what I said, right?

And I look at him,

and I thought I said
something pretty cool.

I look at him and went, "Listen,
bro, in all seriousness,

"I am a comedian
doing a comedy show

"on a comedy stage
at a comedy club.

"I am not
to be taken seriously.

"I am a glorified clown,
an evolved court jester.

"Everything that I do is
intended to make people laugh,

"and that'’s it.

"That is the standard.

"Now, I'’ll have you
understand

"that I know you
want to judge me

"based on the way
other people see me,

"but you can'’t do that, because
that'’s not my responsibility.

That'’s how they see it."

And he'’s like,
"What you mean?"

I said, "I'’ll give you
a great example.

The word "dee-dee-dee" just
means "duh" to the third power,

all right?

It is.

The word "dee-dee-dee"
is when you leave here,

you'’re gonna see a couple

that you'’ve never met
in your whole life,

and your head
is immediately gonna go,

"Oh, my God, I hope those
two people don'’t have kids."

That'’s what it is,

'’cause you know that he'’s "duh,"
she'’s "duh,"

and the kid'’s gonna be
"duh-duh-duh."

That'’s all that it is, okay?

Now, that being said,

you guys know
that dee-dee-dee now,

to some people,
means mentally retarded.

It has nothing to do with that,
but I can'’t control it anymore.

That'’s what I mean about--

You cannot chastise me
for the fact

that people misinterpret
what I do or say.

As an example, again,
one of you, or a few of you,

are gonna mess up my jokes, not
say them exactly as I said them,

and you'’re gonna lose me
some fans tomorrow.

That'’s what you'’re gonna do,

'’cause somebody
is gonna come up to you and go,

"How was the show?"

"Oh, my God. My cheeks hurt.
It was so funny."

"What was the funniest joke?"

"He did this great joke
about how Barack Obama

looks like a nigger monkey."

Whoa! Hey! Hey!

[laughter]

I said he looks
like a cartoon character.

"Same thing."

No!

Right?
See how you laughed?

He did not laugh at all.

He just looked at me
and said something

that didn'’t--
that just did not jive with me.

He goes, "Oh, so it'’s gonna be
like that, right?

"You know what?
I'’m coming back tomorrow, bitch.

"And I'’m gonna sit
in the front row.

"And I swear to God, if you
don'’t do something positive

"about Barack Obama,
our first black president,

"you and me ain'’t gonna talk.

Do you understand
what I'’m saying now?"

And that'’s when I got ghetto
and went, "What, bitch?

"You'’re gonna challenge me?
You don'’t know me.

"Give me your name.

"I'’m gonna buy you a ticket
to sit in the front row,

"and you'’re gonna see me tell
the truth about Barack Obama,

our first black president."

And he goes, "What'’s the truth?
Tell me now."

And that'’s when I said something
I never should'’ve said,

ever.

I don'’t even remember
saying it.

I remember hearing it...

because
I was standing there going,

"Should I say it?
Should I not say it?"

In my head, I'’m like,
"I shouldn'’t say it.

Just keep it to yourself."

And then he goes,
"Say it, bitch!

Say it, you little bitch!"

And I said, "Fine, the truth--

"that the only black part
about Barack Obama

is that that nigga
don'’t know his dad."

Oh!

Oh!

Oh, no! No!

"Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
Please don'’t shoot me!

"Please don'’t shoot me!
Please don'’t shoot me!

Please don'’t shoot me!"

I turned around, he was like,
"Oh, nigga, that'’s real!

You should'’ve said that
onstage!"

Because that'’s what I do.

I hope you enjoy it, but I'’m
always gonna be that way.

Whatever my reality is,
I keep it real.

I hope you enjoyed the reality
and the humor tonight.

You are the best audience ever!

Thank you!

Good night everybody!

[cheers and applause]

Thank you.

I love you.
Love you.

Love you.

Love you so much.

So much!

All right, man, thank you.

Thank you.

[cheers and applause continue]