All language subtitles for Once.Upon.A.Crime....1992.1080p.BluRay.x264.AAC-[YTS.MX]

(TELEPHONE RINGING)

(MAN SPEAKING ITALIAN
ON MESSAGE MACHINE)

You have reached
Pope John Paul II.

I can't come to the phone
right now,

but if you leave
your name and a number

after the sound of the beep,

I'll get back to you
as soon as heavenly possible.

(CHUCKLES)

Remember, please,
wait for the beep.

Here she comes.

(BEEP)

Hello, Marcello?
This is Phoebe.

I've been walking the streets trying to
figure out exactly what I want to say to you,

and I finally figured out
what I do want to say to you,

so I'm just going to say it
the way I figured it out, okay?

I'm here in Rome.

I just spent every cent I had
to get here,

so that we could spend the
rest of our lives together.

Does that ring a bell, Marcello?

Boy, honest to God, I really
thought you were different.

When you said you loved me, that
night by the pool, I believed you.

I actually believe people when
they say things like that.

Yeah, I bought it.

Old Phoebe gets burned
again, but what else is new?

So, hey, I'm rambling, and...

(BEEP)

(DIAL TONE DRONING)

(SIGHS)

I'm having a bad day.

Hey!

(WHIMPERS)

That's my lunch!

(BARKS)

Oh, God! Ruined a
perfectly good bun!

(BARKS)

(BARKS)

I have nothing more to give!

I'm sorry.

(BARKS)

JULIAN: I remember the day
you signed me.

You said I was going to be
the next Al Pacino.

But if you don't land me a job

before my next
rent check is due,

I'm in serious trouble.

I think you should
find another agent.

I'm sorry, Julian.

Hey, I should be the one
to apologize.

You know me.
I'm a chronic whiner.

I mean, it's like a hobby with me.
You know that.

Goodbye, Julian.
I wish you the best.

You're making
a big mistake, Carla.

(DOG BARKS)

I'll tell you what, honey. I'll
give you the whole weekend.

You think about it. I'll give
you a call on Monday, all right?

If they haven't disconnected
my phone by then.

(BARKS)

Hey, what am I sitting on a Milk-Bone now?
Will you get out of here?

Does somebody
own this thing, or what?

(GASPS)

Well, at least when I get back
home, I can do summer stock...

A road show...

Maybe Cats again.

Ever see that?
You would love that.

You know
you're a very good listener?

Why can't you be a woman?

(GROWLS)

Whoa! Look at you!

Your mommy must be
very loaded, huh?

Yo! Monte Carlo!
Hey...

Oh, there she is. I've been
looking all over for you.

(SPEAKING ITALIAN)

This is your dog?

Oh, you're American.

Julian Peters.

Uh, Phoebe.

Phoebe what?

Uh, Phoebe.
Just Phoebe.

Just Phoebe? Like what...
Like what? Just Cher?

Just Phoebe, like

"I don't want you to know the
rest of my name. Just Phoebe."

Could I please have the dog?

Just Phoebe, I don't
think she's your dog.

She is mine.
She can't be.

Why would you say that?
She's a he.

So I made a mistake.

Look...

Uh...

The dog is lost,
and it's my aunt's,

and I'm returning
the dog to her.

So could I please
have the damn dog?

Uh-huh. Got a minute?

No.

Come on, have a seat.
I'll buy you something.

You want some water?
You like bubbles?

I'll get you some mineral
water or something.

You know, I'm an actor.

Ah!

And I study, you know,
human behavior.

And I smell money here.

Monte Carlo money.

I smell big reward.

What do you want?

50-50.

70-30, but on the condition that you don't
speak to me once during the entire trip.

70-30 is hardly worth my time.

I'm in show business.
I make that in an hour.

60-40, you got yourself a deal.

Now, how come
your eyes are so red?

Have you been crying a little bit?
A guy? You involved?

65-35, and I up my end every
time you open your mouth.

(WHISTLE BLOWS)

Yes! Red! Odd! Yes!

Marilyn, I'm hot.
I'm up 16 million bucks.

Every minute we're not in Monte
Carlo, we're losing a fortune.

Boy, if the casino knew
that I had this system,

they'd hire hit men to stop me.

Why would someone sell you
a foolproof system for $3?

$2. I talked
the guy down, remember?

Well, if it's so great,
why didn't he use it himself?

Marilyn, I told you, he
was barred from the casino.

The man was a mathematician.

Neil, he was counting
on his fingers.

That was the liquor. We
caught him at a bad moment.

And don't second-guess me, Marilyn.
You're way out of your league.

You know, I see
an opportunity, I go for it.

And what difference
does it make?

I could've bought it off a horse.
The system works.

MAN: There is no system
for roulette.

None. Believe me.

The only way to win in a
casino is not to gamble.

Forgive me.

My name is Morosco.
Augie Morosco,

and I've been a gambler
my entire life.

I used to own
three restaurants in New York.

I lost them all at roulette.

Then I went
to Gamblers Anonymous

and discovered
gambling was a disease.

Thankfully, they cured me.
Yeah.

If you're not a gambler, how come
you're on a train to Monte Carlo?

My wife is there on holidays.

She got me back in the business.
Extremely wealthy.

Oh. So you married
for money?

I did no such thing.
I married for lots of money.

(LAUGHING)

Oh!

Enjoy your stay in Monte Carlo.

Think about what I said.

You've got your health,
a lovely woman...

Don't gamble.

(TSKING) Come.

Come.

You're a cute little guy, yes.

Up you go, there you go.

What a charming guy.

Good evening.

Good evening.

Excuse me!
That's my dog!

What are you doing with my dog?

You must be mistaken.
This is my dog.

No, you're mistaken. I found
this dog this morning in Rome.

And I bought him an hour
ago in the club car.

No, wait, wait, wait. That's impossible.
Who'd you buy him from?

Some American.
Now, if you'll excuse me,

we'll be arriving soon
in Ventimiglia,

and I haven't completed
my toilette.

So, what else,
what else, what else?

Hey, you might have seen me
in Godfather III.

Major motion picture.

Granted, it was a small part,
but I got very good notices.

You sold the dog?

I not only sold the dog...
Excuse me, darlin'.

I not only sold the dog,
but I got $6,000.

That's $1,000 more than the
woman who owns him would pay.

You would've done
the same thing.

No, Julian, I wouldn't have.

He's not ours to sell.

We promised that woman
we'd return her dog

and I don't believe in
making promises I can't keep!

I don't see my name
on that check.

Who was he supposed to make it out
to, "Julian Peters and Phoebe"?

What are we, a trapeze act?

And I was going to share
the money with you anyway.

Yeah, right.

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

Yes! This is the man.

Here's your check.
Sorry for the confusion.

Oh, there's no confusion. I don't
want the check. I want the dog.

You can buy 10 dogs
for that price. Why this one?

Well, my wife has a female
of this breed.

She was looking for a male.

Apparently, I won't do.

Mister, I need this dog.
Please, take your check back.

I'm sorry.
A deal is a deal.

Besides I already promised
the dog he'll get laid.

Customs.

Whose dog is this?

Mine.
It's ours.

As you can see, sir,
the dog belongs to me.

Do you have the dog's papers?

Papers?

If you don't have papers,
you must leave the train

and have the dog examined
by a veterinary authority.

It's their dog. I was
just letting him lick me.

(CHUCKLES) Good night.

Good night.

Get your luggage, please.

Get the bags.

PHOEBE: Yoo-hoo, signore!

I'm still interested in the dog.

Would you excuse me? I'm
being kicked off this train.

I'd like to ask the conductor
to slow it down.

If the owner should have
a change of heart,

come to me in Monte Carlo. I'll
take the dog off your hands.

Augie Morosco.

L'Hotel de Paris.

Thank you.

Madame Van Dougen?
This is Julian Peters again.

(VAN DOUGEN SPEAKING FRENCH)

No, we just got held up

because, you know, we had to
have a veterinarian examine him

because we didn't
have his papers.

A veterinarian.

Uh, to ex...

A veterinarian. You know,
a doctor de puppy,

to examine him
so we can cross the border.

No, he's in perfect health,
he really is.

He's there?
Of course he's here.

May I speak with him?
No, he's at a cafe.

Oh, I liked to speak to him, please.
You want to talk to him?

All right, sure.

Hang on.

Hmm. Nice life.

(VAN DOUGEN SPEAKING FRENCH)

(BARKS)

Did you hear that?

Yeah, he lit up
at the sound of your voice.

Now, listen, you know, we missed the
last train so we have to take a bus.

A bus.

A busso.
Busso?

Bustee. Bussee.
Bustee?

Ah, the bus.
The bus, right.

So we'll be there
in a little while, about 1:00.

Come now, please.
We can come over,

but isn't that
a little late for...

(SPEAKING FRENCH)
Madame Van Dougen?

Are... Are you sick?

Ooh!

What? Is she having sex now?
Ooh! Aah!

Madame Van...
Are you okay?

(SPEAKING FRENCH FRANTICLY)

Madame Van Dougen, can you
just talk a little slower?

I'm having trouble
understanding.

Madame Van Dougen?

(DIAL TONE DRONING)

Hello?

Oh, Neil, you're missing this!

It's so beautiful!

It's so romantic.

Romantic, right.

Look, honey,
you're going to take forever.

Why don't you just
meet me in the casino?

I'll only be
a couple of minutes.

(SIGHS) Marilyn,
don't torture me.

You make me sit here while you try to
figure out what you're going to wear!

Come on, I'm itching
to hit the tables!

Neil, is that our trip money?

I'm not going to leave $5,000
in cash sitting in a hotel room.

We're in Europe.
These people'll rob you blind.

Neil, promise me that you won't
gamble with our trip money.

I promise, I promise!

Okay!

Like I'm gonna
blow $5,000 gambling.

Like I'm some kind
of idiot or something.

Come on.

I'm thinking about wearing
the Versace sample.

The black one with the sequins?

(CHUCKLING) Dream on, Mare.

Maybe five years ago, huh?

(GARGLING)

Oh, hey, don't forget to hide...

Hide the garment bag under the bed.
Right.

And don't let the hangers
stick out this time, all right?

And listen, don't order any more of
that bottled water at 14 bucks a pop.

You can drink out of the tap.

Neil, have I
since the day you met me

ever done anything right?

Of course, doll.

You married me.

Thank you, Neil.
You're always so supportive,

so giving.

Baby, wish me luck.

(PEOPLE CHATTERING)

Merci.

700,000, please.

Monsieur.

Thank you.

Um...

Fifty francs.

Fifty?
Yeah.

I'll have to get
the smaller markers.

Fine.

They use them
in the children's casino.

Just give me the markers!

Fifty.

Wait, you made a mistake.
I said 5,000.

Francs?
Dollars. U.S. dollars.

(CHUCKLES) The guy
thought I said 50 francs.

Are you finish?

No. Are you Swedish?

(CHUCKLING) Am I finished?

I've just begun!

Am I finished?

No way, big boy!

(PEOPLE CHATTERING)

Cigarette?

No, thanks, I don't smoke.

Ah, it is a weakness, I know.

For me, one of many, I'm afraid,

not the least of which is a
beautiful woman such as yourself.

Thank you.
I'm married.

Interesting.
The married woman.

One of life's
misunderstood creatures

to whom no man is truly worthy.

Peron de la Pena
at your service, madame.

I think I'd better
find my husband.

You may call me Alfonso.

(SPEAKING ITALIAN)

The ugly American
is betting on red!

Red, baby! Red, baby!
Red, red, red.

Red, baby, red, baby,
red, red, red.

NEIL: Come on. My system
says it's red, and it's red.

Rouge! Yes! Yes, I love it!
I love it! I love it!

Bring it over here, bring it
over here, bring it over here.

Hey, I won it! I won it! DEALER:
Sir, please! Please. Please.

Okay. Okay, I just want to
make sure because I'm American.

I know you hate Americans,
but just remember

if it wasn't for us, you'd
be speaking German right now!

So give me my chips.
Monsieur, martini?

Yes! Yes! Yes!
Martini, martini, yes.

That's 100 bucks, buddy.

That's a damn good tip for a martini, huh?
Thank you, monsieur.

All right, we're cooking now.

Thank you, sir.
This is for you, my dear.

Get a T-shirt for those,
will you?

All right, let's see,
what's in my system?

Hey, keep your face
out of my system.

This cost me a fortune.

Oh, boy, Marilyn,
this is working like a charm.

Marilyn!
Hello, Neil.

(SPEAKING FRENCH)

Yes, yes, I'm betting.
I'm going to bet on black.

Black, black.
American on black.

Well, what do you think?

Well, it's not you, honey.
It's not you. That's all.

But that's what I like about it.

Honey, you're hanging out
all over the place!

You're going to catch something.

What?
DEALER: Rouge.

Rouge?

Red.

Rats!

Honey, I knew
you'd do that to me.

(STAMMERING) Don't hang around, okay?
You're jinxing me.

You're jinxing me. The look is jinxing me.
That thing's jinxing me.

You're jinxing me. Go. Go, will you?
Go... Go play the slots.

Go get a drink or something. Have fun.
This is Monte Carlo!

Come on, it's a gambling place.

Change your clothes! Put a
T-shirt on for Christ's...

Did you see the way she was
hanging out all over the place?

Black! Black! Black!

Ah, the married woman.

One of life's
misunderstood creatures

to whom no man is truly worthy.

Do you like to gamble?
Yes.

Do you have cash?

(DEALER SPEAKING FRENCH)

(SPEAKING FRENCH)

It's merely a game of chance.

One gambles
for the sake of gambling.

You pick a number.

Me?
You.

Oh, no, but I couldn't... I don't know...
I never did...

Of course, I'll lose anyway.

Really?
You can do me no harm. Really.

You sure?
Really, I'm sure.

Okay. 13.
Okay.

13?
It's no good?

Oh, no, no. 13 is fine!
13 is fine.

Lucky 13.

You are American.
Yes. New Jersey.

Oh, I'm so sorry.
It's really not that bad.

(CHUCKLES) No, no, no. I mean, I am
sorry I have not introduced myself.

I am Hercules Popodopoulos.

From Athens.

Marilyn Schwary.
From Newark.

(PEOPLE EXCLAIMING)

(SPEAKING FRENCH)

Fantastic!

We win!
I won! I won!

I won.

2,000 francs?

I'm sorry.
Is the amount not adequate?

What, are you planning
on bringing friends?

Listen, mister,

maybe this is what hookers
look like in Greece,

but I'm no hooker,
I'm a housewife.

We do it for free!

But, madame...
Cherie... Please, please.

This is your share
of the winnings.

It is customary.

I win, you benefit.

Look, you must risk this marker

on a turn of the wheel.

Please?

Please...

(SPEAKING FRENCH)

13.

13?

13.

13.

(SPEAKING FRENCH)

(ALL EXCLAIMING)

MARILYN: Oh, my gosh!

HERCULES: Extraordinary!
Again! I don't believe it!

Nothing like this
has ever happened to me!

Madame, cherie,
you now have 70,000 francs.

In dollars.

That is 14,000 American dollars.

$14,000?

(DEALER SPEAKING FRENCH)

Madame, the table awaits.

And if I bet it all on 13 again,

I'll have...

Half a million dollars.

Half a million dollars!

Or nothing.

(SPEAKING FRENCH)

I can't.

At the gaming table, as in life,

risking all takes great courage.

I'm going to
shoot the works on 13.

(MAN GASPS)

Madame, I admire
your insouciance.

Well, it's the dress.
It shows everything.

Oh, I'm starving.

If I had a barbecue,
I'd eat the dog.

Oh, is that
supposed to be funny?

Oh! You're listening!

You know, that's the first
time she actually spoke to me

since we crossed the border?

Huh?

Okay, look,

let's call a truce.
What do you say?

Okay, how's this for an idea?

We get the reward money,
we come back here,

I'll buy us a lovely dinner,
a little champagne...

Look, Julian,
don't waste my time.

There's absolutely no chance
I'd get involved with you.

It's beyond out of the question.

This is a business deal.

Let's stick to business.

Who said anything
about getting involved?

Sweetheart, I got news for you.

I'm hot as a pistol
and the last thing I need

is to be seen with a woman
wearing tights from Chernobyl.

Do you ever shut up?

Oh, what a wit.

(DEALER SPEAKING FRENCH)

What do I have to do
to get a drink in this place?

Black, baby. Black, baby.
It's got to be black.

Black, baby. Come on home.
Black, black, black!

(DEALER SPEAKING FRENCH)

Rouge? Wait!
Wait, somebody moved my bet.

I distinctly remember betting on red!
Monsieur. Monsieur.

Sir, it was on red. What?

Please, lower your voice.
You're in Monte Carlo.

Okay, frog nuts,
I know where I am.

We're rollin', we're rollin'...

♪ Rollin' on a river

Yeah!

All right, what's happening here?
Morosco.

AUGIE: Talk to me! Talk to me!

Ah, rouge! I love you.
Rouge, I love you.

Hey, hi. Remember me?
I'm Neil Schwary.

No!

36, 36, 3 and 4.
A triangle!

Get away from me.
What are you doing here?

I was on the train with you. You had
the dog. I had my wife. Remember?

No! Now beat it!

Where did it land?
I'll take it!

Leave it there!
This is my number!

Buy a hat! There you go.

What's happening? Talk to me, folks!
Talk to me. How am I doing?

Hello! Woo-hoo!

You won that?
Oh, this is mine!

This is my night!

I'm rolling like a
hunchback doing somersaults!

Yes! Yes!
You're gambling!

Get away from me!

What about Gamblers Anonymous?

I'm in the power of a force
much greater than myself!

Yes, I know that feeling.

Yes.

29! Splits.

$100,000.

$100,000... Please!

Please. I need your help.
Goodbye.

Wait! Bet for me, too.

I'll play
the same numbers as you.

Goodbye!

I'm desperate!

All right, I'm a man of compassion.
Give me your money.

I'm broke.
Bye.

Wait. Lend me enough for
the first bet. Please.

I gambled away
a fortune tonight.

I might have to sell
my business.

You know how that is. You've
been there, Morosco. Please!

All right, all right.
Stop groveling.

I don't mind.
Stand up.

You're a great man, Morosco.

Tonight I'm going to make
you a rich man, Neil Schwary.

Yes!
Yes!

But first I must find
the little boys' room.

And lose precious time?

Waiter! Bring this man a cup!
Oui, monsieur.

Uh-oh.

NEIL: Who's that?

AUGIE: It's my wife.

My condolences.

Oh...

Ah, Elena, darling...

Augie, what are you doing?

Oh, I just thought I'd come through
the casino and say hi to the staff.

Mmm... I thought maybe
I'd lay down a little bet.

7 on 27 now!
Yes!

Augie, you're incorrigible.

You don't even come
to the hotel.

You get off the train
and come directly here?

Elena, you don't understand.
I'm on a roll!

Shoot the works!

Yes! Yes! Okay, I'm
putting more on 7...

Look at you, dirty, sweaty.

You probably haven't eaten.

Yes, I did!
I ate a marker.

And double the bet!
NEIL: Double the bet!

Double the bet!
Double the bet!

Yes! These are mine.

I don't know
what to say to you anymore.

I wait for you,
you don't show up.

Come to me, baby!

I worry. I call the
hospital, the police.

I say to myself,
"He can't be at the casino.

"He promised me!"

NEIL: Come on! Come on!
Come on!

7! Red! We win!

NEIL: I can't believe it!

I've had enough.

The gentleman's cup.

Get a bigger cup!
Don't insult the man.

How do I compete
with this addiction?

500,000 francs!
500,000 francs!

Yes!

(NEIL AND AUGIE EXCLAIMING)

500,000!
500,000 francs!

(BOTH CHEERING)

AUGIE: Yes! Yes! Yes!
Yes! Yes!

Tonight we break the
bank in Monte Carlo!

Yes!

Try the gate.

Maybe she left it open for us?

Well, that doesn't make
any sense.

I mean, come on, she must have, like,
a $50,000 security system here, huh?

I mean, she's going to
leave the front gate open?

(DOG BARKING)

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

Madame Van Dougen!

(BELL RINGING)

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

JULIAN: Madame Van Dougen!

It's Julian Peters!

And Phoebe.

We brought your dog!

(WHIMPERS)

Madame Van Dougen!

Check out the side of the house.

What, are you on crutches?

Just check out
the side of the house.

I study acting.

Ten years.

And I wind up a whipping
boy for a she-demon.

Oh, this whole
Europe thing is a mistake.

I could be at a Yankee game now.

Instead, I'm checking out
Freddy Krueger's villa.

(BIRD SHRIEKS)

Madame Van Dougen!

Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

All right. Okay.

(EXCLAIMS)

PHOEBE: Oh!

Yikes.

Phoebe.

Phoebe.

Phoebe!

Phoebe!
PHOEBE: Over here.

You could have at least
left me a note.

There's a bracelet.

A what?
A bracelet.

Yeah?

It is a bracelet. A
very expensive bracelet.

Leave it.

Why?

Because it doesn't belong to us.

There could be a reward
for this, too.

You know, this could be like
a little cottage industry.

Okay, pull.

Oh, it's stuck.

Pull harder.

(BOTH GASP)

Is that what I think it is?

It's a hand.
A hand! What kind of hand?

A hand attached to a dead
body, that kind of hand.

Aah!

I've never seen
a dead hand before!

Oh, get in line!

PHOEBE: Oh, God!

I broke her fingers!
I broke her fingers!

Believe me, that's the
least of our problems!

Come on,
we got to get out of here!

Is she dead?

Come on! Now! Now! Now!

Wait. My suitcase!

Well, then get it, but hurry!

My suitcase.

Oh, I'll go because I'm a man.

(DOG BARKING)

Would you put a muzzle
on that thing?

(SHUSHING)

Is this, uh, Versailles?

I, uh...

Without my glasses, I'm...

I'm as blind as a bat,

but, uh, hey, you know,

as long as you have your health.

Where is it?
Where's my suitcase?

Just a couple of feet
past the killer.

What do you mean?
The killer's here?

His eyes and feet are.
I'm assuming the rest.

(PHOEBE EXCLAIMS)

Oh, after you.

(DOG BARKS)

How much for the shoes?

I am sorry, monsieur.
Casino policy.

We do not accept
articles of clothing.

(EXCLAIMS) My heart!

My foot.

Sir, could you get my tip
back from that waiter?

You seem like a nice guy.

I lost everything!
I cashed checks!

I drained my bank accounts!

I told him the only way to win
at a casino is not to gamble.

You also told me
to cash my checks!

What did you listen to me for?
I'm a man with an illness!

Oh, don't let him die!

I want the pleasure
of killing him myself!

Is that so?
Yes!

Is that so?
Yes!

What do want to do, Schwary,
have a fistfight?

Yeah! I want to kick
your loser..., Morosco!

Come on, let's go!
Your size don't scare me!

All right!
But not here in the promenade.

Fine! Where, then?

You see that park over there?
Where?

(GRUNTS)

(MEN SPEAKING FRENCH)

PHOEBE: I think we should
call the police!

JULIAN: Absolutely not!

Come on, there...
There's been a murder!

Phoebe, we could be suspects!

We're not suspects.
We're witnesses!

We're foreigners.

We're dead broke,
desperate for money.

We're bringing this rich woman's dog
to a villa at 1:00 in the morning.

She doesn't answer.

We find a bracelet
'cause we're snooping around.

We pull on it.
It leads to a hand.

Come on, who's going
to believe that story?

Mother Teresa wouldn't even buy it.
Forget about it.

They're going to handcuff us.
They're going to fingerprint us.

Their gonna take us
in for interrogation.

So, could we just move?
Really.

This is crazy. We haven't
done anything wrong.

Why are we running?

You have any idea what the
French legal system is like, huh?

It's a nightmare.

We don't speak the language.
We don't understand the rules.

They'll get us
some public defender.

We'll spend years in jail before
the case even goes to trial.

I'll never get an acting job.

I mean, casting directors will always
think of me as the Van Dougen murderer.

I mean... We have
to call the police.

If the killer's still there,
we'll catch him, okay?

And then I can get
my suitcase back.

(LAUGHING)

Oh!

We won't identify ourselves.

Once we read they've arrested somebody,
then we'll come forward, okay?

I think
that's the smartest thing.

Okay.

And don't ever kiss me
that way again, or any way.

Just no kissing, period!

Oh, God.

(TELEPHONE RINGING)

Toussaint.

JULIAN: I'd like to report
a murder.

What?

(SNAPS FINGERS)

JULIAN: Hello?

Did you say murder?

(IMITATING ITALIAN ACCENT) Yes.
That's right, a murder.

TOUSSAINT: You're Italian? That's correct.
I'm Italiano, si.

What's your name?

My name?

Balboa. Rocky Balboa.

So listen. The body,
it's at the Villa Van Dougen.

Boulevard Kandinsky, numero 17.
Come on!

And if you hurry, you can
catch the killer. Killer?

The killer, yes.
I saw his feet.

How many?
Two of them.

Two killers?
No, not two killers. Two feet.

I'm talking to an idiot.

No, he isn't.
They're tracing the call!

Ciao.

God!
Well, excuse me. I panicked.

I'm talking to the police!

I mean, to me, every authority
figure is still my vice principal.

A letter would've
been faster. God!

Will you relax? I've worked
in enough police films

to know that they can't trace
a phone call that quickly.

(SIREN WAILING)

So they weren't French.

PHOEBE: Oh...

(SPEAKING FRENCH)

Oh, God. He's giving
them a description.

That's you.

I wish.

(DOG GROWLS)

The dog.

We're dead. Let's go.

I can't believe
we lied to the police.

I feel like a fugitive.

It's like quicksand. The more you
struggle, the deeper you sink.

Hey, I'll tell you one thing. If we
keep walking around with this dog,

we might as well be wearing T-shirts
that say "Hi, we're the killers."

You're right.

I really hate to do this.

Sorry. Take care of yourself.

What did you do?

I got rid of the dog.
Let's go.

(DOG BARKING)

You also got rid
of our meal ticket.

I could've sold him to that
guy on the train. $6,000.

My birth control pills.

I never thought
I'd actually say this,

but there is a time and a place.

They're in my suitcase.
So?

My name is on the prescription.

You got a problem.
We have to go back.

What, are you insane? The police are
probably swarming the place by now.

If the police are still
there, we'll leave.

What about the killer?

You think the killer's going
to hang around all night?

I don't know. I don't know
what his social life is like.

(SIGHS) Look, we have no choice.
We have to go back.

Let me be honest with you.

It's been a very interesting
12 hours.

I think you're a good chick
down deep. Very smart.

But I wouldn't go back if my
birth control pills were there.

Fine. I'll go myself.

It's nothing personal.

(STUTTERING) I just know that prison
guards and me are not a good mix.

I got it.

So nice meeting you.

Yeah, you, too.
Good luck.

Oh...

Oh, God.

(SIGHS)

She's going to leave me.

I know she's going to leave me.

Yeah, she's going to leave me.
She'll divorce me.

She won't take me, though, because
I got nothing for her to take!

(SNIFFS)

She'll get remarried.

Some handsome guy with
a car and a car phone.

Suits.

(CRYING) Take her out for the
anniversary of our divorce.

She'll get remarried

and be happier
than she ever was with me.

And what do I become?

Me, Neil Schwary?

A flaky gambler...
Loser ex-husband.

Yeah, I'll wear that
the rest of my life.

(SNIFFS)

Oh...

God, it's me. Neil Schwary.

I really need your help.

I know I'm not
a churchgoing man,

but if you want, I'll switch
my golf games to Saturday.

No sweat.

Look, I know you don't perform
a lot of miracles anymore,

but, boy, what I wouldn't give
for a suitcase full of cash.

Thank you.

Hello, Neil.
How'd you do?

NEIL: Me?

I, uh...

I, uh...

Well, I'd say
I, uh, broke about even.

What's that?

This?

This, uh, is, uh...

Well, at one point, the casino
ran out of money,

and they started
giving out luggage.

(CHUCKLES)

Giving out luggage? What
are you talking about?

Luggage.

Bags.

Suitcases.

I stole it, okay?

I didn't break even.

I lost. I lost big.

I lost everything.
Our trip money, our savings.

Oh, Marilyn, I'm so sorry.

Please find it in your heart
to forgive me.

I'll make it up to you, I swear.

I'll do anything you ask.

I'll... I'll listen to you
when you talk.

I'll look
at your little drawings.

I'll take you to the mall and
never point to my watch again.

Anything you want.
Foreplay. Anything.

Just don't leave me.
I don't think I can take it.

Why, Neil, would you steal
a suitcase, huh?

(WHIMPERING)

Answer, please.

I don't know.

I don't know, Marilyn.

I thought maybe
there'd be something in it.

Cash.

Something we could sell.

I have some money, Neil.

Marilyn, you don't understand!

Money?

Where'd you get money?

I put it aside.

Knowing in my heart
what a fool you were.

Knowing you were capable of
gambling away our trip money,

knowing you had the self-destructive
nature to lose our savings,

and come crawling in here
with some lame-brain scheme

to save yourself.

You knew that about me?

(CHUCKLES)

Marilyn.

You're brilliant, Marilyn.

Don't ever let me tell you
you're anything less.

You mean like, don't ever let
you call me pygmy brain again?

Oh, Marilyn,
how do you put up with me?

You are an angel,
sent from heaven.

My brilliant, darling wife.

How much money
did you put aside?

If you could lend it to me...
Maybe just a portion of it,

I could go back to the casino...

(GRUNTS)

Stupid idea!

God, you're beautiful.

We have to return
the suitcase, Neil.

Yes!

Yes. I know.

You're taking this
very well, Marilyn.

(SCREAMS)

What is it?
Marilyn, what is it?

(SCREAMS)

No! No!

No, no, no!

Turn it off!
Turn it off!

Turn it off! Honey, you're
not going to scream, okay?

Don't scream, okay?
Don't scream, okay?

(SCREAMS)

Shut up.

Shut up, Marilyn!
Be quiet, please!

Oh! Oh, my...

What are you trying to do, kill me?
No, ma'am!

You want two dead
women on your hands?

No, definitely not!

I can't breathe.
I need a glass of water.

Get me a glass of water!

Get me a glass of water!
Water. Water. Water.

I married a moron! What an idiot!
Water... Water.

Forget the vacation.
Vacation's shot to hell!

Oh, God.

What's wrong with this glass?

We got to get out of here.

Dead body parts!

Calm down. Calm down!

Help me pack.
We got to get out of here!

Right! We'll leave the body
here and we'll get the hell out!

We're taking it with us.
Marilyn, don't be an idiot!

You just steal a suitcase with a dead
woman inside and you call me an idiot?

We can't leave the body here.
We're registered in this hotel.

Right! Very smart!
Good thinking!

From now on, Neil,

I call the shots. Understand?
Perfectly.

I don't want to hear what you
think we should do... Fine.

Or why you think we should do it.
Okay.

I want you to shut up and take orders.
Is that clear?

Completely!

Okay, so what do we do?

We got to ditch the body, hop a
train, and blow this pop stand.

I like it!
I like it a lot!

Neil!
I'll shut up.

(GASPS)

Look, look.
Okay, look,

I don't know why I'm here.

I... You know, I don't
know why I came back.

I'm confused, but let's just
get the damn suitcase and go.

Okay.

(STUTTERING) No, no, no. You
better stay here, just in case.

I'll be fine.

No, no, really.
You stay here.

And if anything should
happen, God forbid,

run, okay?

Okay.

You know, feel free to talk
me out of this if you want.

Julian...

Thanks.

BONNARD: Stop right there!
Police!

Don't shoot!
I'm an actor!

BONNARD:
What are you doing here?

What am I doing here?
What are you doing here?

BONNARD: How did you get in?
Through the gate.

BONNARD: It was open?
It's always open.

BONNARD:
Then you've been here before?

No, no.

BONNARD: What are you trying
to steal?

Steal? Nothing.
I'm no thief.

I'm certainly no murderer.

Murder?

Who said anything about murder?

I don't know.
Stephen King?

Where's the body?

I don't know. I only saw her hand.
Whose hand?

Madame Van Dougen's.

How do you know
it was Madame Van Dougen's?

I don't know. I'm just guessing.
It's a common name.

Where's the body?

What am I, a mortician?

Where is the body?

In the garage.

What is this?

This? This is
an ankle bracelet, actually.

I like to wear it over my pants

or thrown kind of casually in a cuff.
Either way.

I mean, it may be
too trendy a look for you...

And the initials
on the clasp are yours?

Of course they're my initials.

I mean, they're not the
initials of my name, per se,

but they're initials that have
special meaning to me,

something of
personal significance.

There are no initials.

But I congratulate you
on being a very fine actor.

There is nothing.

I believe you will need
an attorney, monsieur.

An attorney?

What I need is an agent.

(CHUCKLES)

Oh, boy.
Mmm.

(SIREN WAILING)

(OFFICER SPEAKING FRENCH)

(PEOPLE CLAMORING)

You see, Toussaint,

guilt or innocence is
quite often not the issue.

Persuading the suspect
to say what you want is.

How so?

Because they tend to lie anyway,

even if they are blameless.

It's human nature, the
fear of self-incrimination.

Only when they have painted
themselves into a corner

or when you have carefully
guided them there,

do they point the finger
in the proper direction.

Put it away. Put it away.
Inspector?

Inspector, we have a witness.

Merci.

Monsieur, monsieur,
I am Inspector Bonnard.

Tell me, please,
exactly what did you see?

A man, a woman, and a dog.

They went inside the gate

and a few minutes later,
they ran out,

like their britches
were on fire.

I see. What time was this?

1:00, 1:30.

Look at this man's face.

(EXCLAIMS)

Is this the man you saw?

Yes, this is he.

This guy's blind.

Were you here earlier
in the evening? No.

Are you traveling with
a woman and a dog? No.

Would you be able
to identify the dog?

Yes, of course.
It was a dachshund.

Good. So, you've never
been here before?

And you're traveling alone?

We must find the dog.

The dog is the key.

JULIAN: Why would I want
to kill somebody?

BONNARD: Quiet.

JULIAN: You got the wrong guy.

BONNARD: Be quiet.

I heard you the first time.
What are you, a parrot?

BONNARD: You talk English?

Are you Charlie Chan?

BONNARD:
Take him to the car.

(DOG WHIMPERS)

Pregnant.

I, too, have a bracelet
I'd like to show you.

I hope they fit,

because it is my duty,
monsieur, to inform you

that you are under arrest
on suspicion of murder.

Get a porter!

Porter! Porter!

(PORTER SPEAKING FRENCH)

Porter, come...
Come here.

I got it. I got it. I got it.

Where is it going, monsieur?

Marilyn, where is it going?

What is the longest trip they
can take from this station?

Madrid.
It's going to Madrid.

That's too much money!
Pay him!

Oh, God, I love you. Yes!

(SPEAKING FRENCH)

I've married a genius.

Button your shirt. You look
like your mother. I'm sorry.

We're moving, we're moving,
we're moving, Marilyn.

We're moving. We're moving.
You did it.

We're free!

(EXCLAIMS)

Monsieur, your suitcase
was going on the wrong train.

BOTH: No, no, no!

We don't want it.
Thank you very much.

No! No!
Merci!

(BOTH CLAMORING)

Hi.

(SIGHS)

Neil.

(EXCLAIMS)

(GRUNTING)

Aah!

What? Oh!

(SIGHS)

Yes! Ow!

Yes, yes.

(TRAIN WHISTLE BLOWS)

(WHISTLING)

(GRUNTING)

A tunnel.

How do you say in French?

Les tunnel is la scary.

(CHUCKLES)

You're brilliant.

Anything to declare?

Just my love and respect
for your fine country.

Vive la France!

Which one is
your suitcase, monsieur?

It's gone!

It was right there.

You know, there's something fishy
about this guy if you ask me.

This here, is my suitcase.

Open it, please.

Sure. Yeah. It's just
a regular old suitcase.

I got it for Christmas one year.

I travel a lot with it.

Let's see what we have in here.

Same old things.
Shirts, underwear, socks.

Oh, honey, you didn't
forget your diaphragm.

Whose suitcase is this?

I have no idea. None.

I've never seen it before.
Have you, darling?

Oh, the suitcase? Uh, no.
Never. Never.

They're lying!

I saw the porter
give it to them.

Hey, look, this guy's been
asleep through six countries.

He saw nothing.

Silence.

(GRUNTING)

I wouldn't open that
if I were you.

It has a very odd smell.

Peek-a-boo.

Good morning, Alfonso.

What an invigorating
morning, eh?

And what an exciting
woman you are.

I must say you look particularly
beautiful this morning.

Even more radiant
than you did last night.

Alfonso.

I can't help myself.

From the moment I first saw you,

the light shimmering
off your safety deposit box...

Alfonso...
My love?

The strangest thing
is happening.

Yes, I know.
I feel it also.

Two hearts beating as one.

Out there, Alfonso, out there.

Out there?

That woman is
trying to kill a dog.

Call the police.

Call the police.
You heard madame.

And a bottle of champagne.

Aah!

How long have you been the maid
and butler for Madame Van Dougen?

Thirty-one years.

Thirty-two in May.

You always leave her here
alone at night?

Never. We've been here every
weeknight for 31 years.

Thirty-two in May.

And what about last night?
You weren't here.

No.
No? Why not?

We got a call
earlier in the day.

About my sister.

It was a man.

He said Brenda had been in a car
accident in Saint Cloud Sur Mer.

We left
on the 7:50 train.

Was your sister badly injured?

No.
There was no accident.

The phone call
was just a stupid hoax.

Perhaps to get us
out of the house.

Perhaps.
Sit down.

Inspector? Of course.
Sit down.

You left the villa at what time?

MAID: 6:30.

And what did you do
before you departed?

We prepared Madame Van
Dougen's evening meal.

A little minestrone
soup, some cheese toast.

You did nothing else?

No, nothing.

Everything seemed normal
to you before you left?

Completely.

Madame.

Madame Van Dougen lived with her
daughter or granddaughter, correct?

Oh, no. She lived alone.

Then to whom do these belong?

To Madam Van Dougen.

(EXCLAIMS)

(WHIMPERING)

You see, she was quite petite.

That's why she liked everything
around her to be so small.

Including her doggy.

Ah, yes.
The dachshund.

Madame Van Dougen lost him

(TOUSSAINT MOANING)
a week ago in Rome.

Two Americans found him

and they were supposed to
return him yesterday evening.

(DOOR OPENING)
A man and a woman?

(DOOR CLOSING)
Yes.

Tell me, have you ever heard
of a man named Augie Morosco?

(TOUSSAINT WHISTLING)

No, never.

(TELEPHONE RINGING)

Hello.

Very good.

I'll be right there.

We have found
the elusive dachshund.

Monsieur commissaire.

Monsieur commissaire.

She was trying to drown the dog.

That's not true!
I was giving him a bath!

BONNARD: Is this your dachshund?
Yes, it is.

BONNARD: He has a name?

Yes, he does. A great name,
as a matter of fact.

Sparky.
His name is Sparky.

I named him
after a dog that I loved

that got run over by a truck.
I was 11, but...

Call him.
Hmm?

Call the dog.

Sparky?

(CHUCKLES)

Sparky.

Sparky.

Up, fella. Up! Come on.

Hmm?

Move, Sparky!

Deaf. Very deaf.

The dog can't hear.

Send them in.

Napoleon!

(BARKING)

Dear Lord, he can hear!

My little love.

Oh, baby.

(EXCLAIMING)

BONNARD: Thank you very much.

Please wait in the corridor.

(SIGHING)

(NAPOLEON BARKING)

(DOOR CLOSING)

(SOBBING)
It's a miracle.

What are you doing in
Monte Carlo, mademoiselle?

I'm... a tourist.

I just wanted
to check out Monte Carlo.

You know,
I'd heard a lot about it,

but I never really understood if
it was a part of France or what.

I mean, it's nice.
I like it a lot.

Unbelievably clean,
like Disney World.

And are you
in Monte Carlo alone?

(SIGHS)

That depends.
What did you have in mind?

Answer the question!

I'm sorry.
I'm so nervous.

What was the question?

I want the truth.

Oh...

Okay.

The truth is, he is my dog,

but just since yesterday.

That's when I found him.

(STUTTERING) So, he was my
dog, but just for a day.

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

(GASPS)

Do you know this man?

Uh, this man?

No. No, I don't.

Do you know this woman?

Never saw her before in my life.

Then what was her picture
doing in your wallet?

That picture
comes with every wallet.

Be silent. If I want to play
games, I'll go to the casino.

You had my picture
in your wallet?

You are both suspects
in a murder case.

Everything you told me is lies,

one after the other.

You are the American couple

who was returning Madame
Van Dougen's dog, right?

Yes!

He said
not to tell you the truth

because you wouldn't believe us.

See, Julian?
It's fine.

They know who we are.

God, what a relief.

I was getting so panicked.

Well, hey,
we'll get out of your hair.

You got things on your plate,
you got a murder to solve...

We're not quite finished.

We found this matchbook

by Madam Van Dougen's garage.

On it is written
the name Augie Morosco.

L'Hotel de Paris.

Is this your matchbook?

No. I don't even smoke.

Just now in the hall
he asked for a cigarette.

All right, I smoke occasionally,
like when I'm arrested.

Look, it is my matchbook,
I got it from a man on a train.

Inspector...
Yes.

We found their accomplices.

Take them away.

No.

Come on. Come on. Let's go.
PHOEBE: Accomplices?

NEIL: I'm getting
claustrophobic in here!

You got to let me out!

Let me out of here, man!

Ow!

Man!
You call this a police car?

I had a boil removed
bigger than this!

Put a lid on it, Neil.

You know, this is just
the sort of thing

that's gonna kill
your tourism industry, pal!

And once your tourism falls,
your economy collapses,

and then what's
the Prince going to do?

He's going to have to
get a real job!

He's going to be bummed out
about that!

NEIL: Get your
French paws off me!

I got all your badge numbers!

You're all going to be
named in a major lawsuit!

Neil, will you shut up!

I demand to see
the American Consul.

I demand our legal rights.

We are citizens of
the United States of America.

Think about that!

Think about this!

Think about spending the rest of
your life in a cell 6 feet by 8 feet,

surrounded by
the dregs of humanity.

Think about that.

You don't scare me.

You got nothing on us.

Nothing.
You were stopped by customs

with a dead body chopped
up in your suitcase.

And you call that nothing?

All right, I'll give you that.

But that doesn't mean
we killed her.

I mean, that suitcase
isn't even ours.

Sir, we have no idea
who the dead woman is

or how she got
into that suitcase.

I want the whole story. Leave out nothing.
I want every detail.

Sit down.

Toussaint.

Okay, all right.

My name is Neil Schwary,
and this is my wife, Marilyn.

Enchante.

And, uh... Well, I'm in
the clothing business.

And I come to Europe
twice a year.

I look at all the big labels,

the Armanis,
Chanels, Versaces, and...

Well, I, uh, buy a few of 'em,

improve on 'em a little bit

and then I knock 'em off
for a third of the price.

My wife usually
doesn't travel with me,

but this being
our 10th anniversary, I...

I thought it was
a wonderful opportunity

to see
your very beautiful country.

And it is very beautiful.

Oh, yeah. You French
really do it up right.

Confine yourself to the facts.

(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)

Monsieur Morosco.

Your flowers.
Oh, merci, Joubert.

And my wife?

She's having breakfast at
the Cafe de Paris, monsieur.

Very good. What kind
of mood is she in?

Mood?

Did she have weapons?

Roses won't stop a bullet.

She seemed relaxed.

Relaxed? Interesting.

Merci, Joubert.

(CLEARING THROAT)

Oh, darling, thank you.

They're beautiful.

You're looking much better
than you did last night, Augie.

(EXCLAIMING) That's because
today I'm a new man.

Next time it won't be gas.
It'll be the real thing.

Oh, such devotion. Ah.

(ANIMAL SQUEALING)
Ahh!

(GRUNTS)

(WHIMPERS)

Oh, Elena,
last night changed my life.

This time I'm cured.

I'll never gamble again.

Not if it means
losing the woman I love.

Augie, did you know
Madame Van Dougen?

That reptile?
Of course I knew her.

Three months ago in baccarat
she won a fortune from me.

I could have killed her.

Somebody did.
Hmm?

They found her body in a
suitcase, hacked to pieces.

Murder?

No, suicide.

Of course it was murder.

They arrested four Americans
in the case.

They're still looking
for the mastermind.

Get away from me.
Inspector?

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
Get away from me.

Of course.

(SHUDDERING)

Don't worry, Madame Schwary.

It is now empty.

Sit down.

Don't we have rights?

Do you know these two?

Never seen them before.

Me, either.

And you?
BOTH: No.

Hey, you found my suitcase!

(CLEARING THROAT) I mean,
it looks like my suitcase.

I'm not exactly sure.

Thank you.

You may go now.

By the way, love the gruel.

OFFICER: Come on.
Come on.

Inspector, we would've come
to the police right away,

but we were just so afraid.

Madame Schwary,

you have every reason
to be afraid.

Wait a minute.

I couldn't have done it.

At the time
this woman was murdered,

I was with somebody else.

The guy I told you about,
the gambler.

Ah, yes, the gambler.

And you have a name
for this gambler?

Morosco.

Augie Morosco.

Morosco?
Who is this guy?

NEIL: It's a long story.

Now it all falls into place.

Augie Morosco is our mastermind.

You're a gambler,
Monsieur Morosco?

Used to be, years ago.

Did you know Madame Van Dougen?

I did. Dream of a woman.

Sent from Heaven.
Too good for this world.

Three weeks ago at the casino,

you attempted
to sit on her head.

She was cold and without a hat.

Come with me.

Do you know these two?

No.
No?

No, I don't.

You are absolutely certain?

Oh, yes. Yes.

Come to think of it,
I do know them.

I met them on the train.

I almost bought their dog.

Do you know whose dog that was?

Yours?

Madame Van Dougen's.

Another coincidence?

I guess.

Oh.

Do you know these two?

(GROANING)

No.
No?

No, I don't.

They were found with Madame Van
Dougen's body in a suitcase.

Well, that's illogical.

Why would anybody want to
crawl inside a suitcase

with a corpse?

So, you don't know them?

No, I don't know them.

Interesting.

Thank you.

That man claims
just the opposite.

He says he was with you at the
time the crime was committed.

Well, I'm afraid
that's impossible.

How do you know?

I haven't told you what time
the crime was committed.

Point well taken.

What time
was the crime committed?

Last night,
between 1:00 and 1:30.

Between 1:00 and 1:30.

Between 1:00 and 1:30.

Between 1:00 and 1:30.
Between 1:00...

Ah!

It just so happens at that hour,

I was in my hotel
making love to my wife.

I know this for a fact,

because her screams of ecstasy
woke up the entire neighborhood.

(LAUGHING) Somebody
actually shouted out,

"It's between 1:00 and 1:30
in the morning!

"Give the poor woman
a break!"

And so I did.

I did.

You wish to stand by that story?

(STUTTERING) Oh, yes.
It's a good story.

Very well.

I plan to investigate
every detail.

I will hold your passport
for another 48 hours.

You can keep it.
I have lots.

AUGIE: You see, he thought
he was dealing with an idiot.

He thought he had me trapped.

And what did you do?

I gave myself an ironclad alibi.

I told him
at the time of the murder,

I was in bed with you.

But you weren't in bed with me.

I know I wasn't in bed with you,

but you're the only one who
knows I wasn't in bed with you.

And that is the beauty
of my alibi.

But what if the police
question me?

If they question you, you
say I was in bed with you.

But if the police investigate,

they'll discover it wasn't
you I was in bed with.

(TITTERING) Huh?

Oh!

Augie.

(GROANING)

Augie, how do you expect me
to behave?

I was angry and hurt.

I'm sick of your gambling.

First, you ran through
your father's money

till he died of a broken heart.

Broken heart? The man weighed
600 pounds and ran in a marathon.

And now you've run
through half my money.

Gambling is your true love,
not me.

Madame.

(AUGIE SOBBING)

Oh, darling,

I'm so ashamed.

I've done something terrible.

But, you see, the truth is...

You don't understand.

I just lost my alibi.

Is that all
that's bothering you?

Don't you see?
Don't you just see?

If I'm caught lying, they'll
think I killed the little...

You can relax. I'll make
sure your alibi's secure.

No one will know it wasn't
you in my bed last night.

You'd do that for me?

Oh, Elena,
I'm not worthy of you.

I'm beginning to agree.

I am famished. Let's eat.

Mmm.

(SIGHING)

(SPEAKING FRENCH)

WOMAN: Bonsoir, Alfonso.

He's the one?

Augie, please.

Oh, he's very handsome.

What is he, a bullfighter?

Augie, don't do something crazy.

You've got that backwards.

I'd be crazy
not to do something.

Hey, you!

Yes, you.

You slept with my wife,
didn't you?

That depends.
Who's your wife?

Elena. Last night.
Remember?

Ah, Elena.
She's married to you?

That's right, Casanova.

We had a couple of drinks.
Nothing happened.

A chat. A talk. Adios.

She told me all about it.

Okay, tan boy,
you're coming with me.

Please, do not harm me, I'm begging you.
My face is my fortune.

(PEOPLE CHATTERING)

ALFONSO: I've had
92 professional fights.

Only two have been with men.
I lost both of them.

(AUGIE LAUGHING)

AUGIE: Alfonso, how do you do
that voodoo that you do so well?

I have my secrets, Augusto.

I'm sure you do.

Oh, Elena, you remember Alfonso.

Hello, Alfonso.

Turns out to be
a sweetheart of a guy,

and he's going
to back up my alibi.

Sit, sit, sit, sit,
sit, sit. Come on.

How nice for you.

Isn't it?

Now, Al, so that we don't
get our wires crossed,

what time did you say
you arrived in my room?

11:30-ish.

And then what happened?

Well, Elena and I began to...

Skip the details.
What time were you through?

You're demented, Augie.

I've got to get
the facts straight.

So what time did you wrap
things up, uh, 11:45?

12:00. Uh, 12:30.

Closer to 1:00.

An hour and a half?

How can you do it
for an hour and a half?

So then what?

Then I, uh, I heard
footsteps at the door.

Naturally, I assumed
that it was you,

so I left immediately.

Did anyone see you?

No.
I went through the window.

What about room service?

You ordered up room service?

Ah, yes. At a certain moment,
a waiter brought us a bottle of cognac.

Well, I'm not paying for it.

I'm trying to recall
if the waiter saw my face.

Think, man, think.

Now I remember.

When he knocked, I opened
the door just a crack.

And then I put my arm out like
so and I grabbed the bottle.

He could've recognized your arm,
a ring, a watch, a bracelet.

No, no.
I was wearing nothing.

Except for your robe.

My brocade robe?

Si. That one.

Oh, perfect!

It's perfect!

Elena.

Elena.

When this is over,

I promise to mend
your broken heart.

I'll be with you night and day.

We'll go to Paris.
We'll walk in the Tuileries.

We'll eat in that
funny little cafe in Monmom.

Monmom.

(IN FRENCH ACCENT)
Monmom.

Montmartre.
Montmartre, of course.

Oh, God, I love it
when you correct me.

Oh, darling, I know I've
been a disappointment to you,

but I'll change.

Beginning now.

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

Ah, good, the cognac.

(SIGHING)

Hey, careful!
It's attached.

Oh, darling, we have guests.

Nice to see you,
inspector, Detective.

Let me introduce you to
my wife Madame Morosco.

How do you do?

This is your wife?

Why do people keep asking that?

Madame Morosco, forgive me,

but I must ask a potentially
embarrassing question.

Who was in this room
last night with you

between midnight and 1:30?

My husband.

Bonsoir, monsieur.

Hey, look who's here.

It's, uh, Antoine.
Come in, my good man.

Would you mind
telling the inspector

who was in this room last night
between midnight and 1:30?

Monsieur Morosco.

I brought him a bottle
of Gaston de Lagrange.

He was wearing
this very same robe.

Oh, thank you, Antoine.

And this is for you,
my good man.

Take the cognac and get out.

Merci, monsieur.
Now, move, move, move.

Very nice waiter.
As he was last night.

Very well.
Your alibi is intact.

You doubted me, Inspector.

One thing I've learned
over the years

is never lie
to an officer of the law.

The policeman is
always your friend.

(SPEAKING FRENCH)

Have a nice weekend.

Those fools.

Aah!

There is one other small detail.

Of course.

Always eager to help.

(CHUCKLING)

Come with me.
Go.

Huh?

Last night
at exactly 1:00 a.m.,

the mechanic in the hotel garage

saw a figure
come out this window

and go down the fire escape.

I assume that was you.

But of course it was me.

(CHUCKLING)
I see. Very well.

Let us re-enact your journey,
shall we?

Of course I will.

(TITTERING)

No big deal.

(SQUEAKING)

(SHUDDERING)

Augie, what are you doing?

I'm making
a police training film.

What do you think I'm doing?

(GRUNTS)

(EXCLAIMS)

(SCREAMING)

(CLANGING)

Oh, pain.

(GROANING)

That's worse than a rug burn.

And where did you go from here?

I...

I...

I believe
I walked across this beam.

Well, good night.

Mmm-mmm.
Huh?

After you.

(TITTERS)

Sure.

(TITTERING)

Sure.

(CLEARING THROAT)

(CREAKING)

(TITTERING)

(EXCLAIMS)

(HORN BLARING)

(WOOD CREAKING)
Oh.

(CREAKING)

(CRACKING)

(CAT SCREECHING)
Oh!

(CLATTERING)

(GROANING)

(DOG BARKING)

Oh, God.

BONNARD:
You came into this room?

(AUGIE GROANING)
Yes. Yes, I did.

How convenient.

The room where Madame
Van Dougen was murdered.

Huh?

(GASPS)

MARILYN:
Could you slow down?

Easy.

JULIAN: When is this thing
going to end?

You!

(MEN CHATTERING IN FRENCH)
You're hurting my arm.

The time now is 1:10.

MARILYN: What a nightmare!

This is the victim's watch.

As you can see,

it has stopped
at the moment of the crime.

1:10.

(GASPS)

Ahh!

(SOBBING) Oh, no!

I didn't do it.

I've never been in this
room before in my life!

I lied about everything.

You got to believe me!

I'm innocent!
I'm innocent!

Please take a seat,
Monsieur Morosco.

Okay, okay.
But I'm still innocent.

I don't know why I'm here.
I didn't do anything.

I'm innocent.

(GRUNTS)

(SOBBING)

Sir?

May I see that matchbook?

Thank you.

(POLICE CLAMORING)

Here's your man, Bonnard.

Look at him. He's got
guilt written all over him.

Me?
Yes.

You all had the motives.

This one. This one was
so desperate for money,

he tried to sell me a dog
he didn't own!

And you!

You were insane last night!

Inspector, the man
was frothing at the mouth!

Ask anyone who saw him
in the casino.

He was violent.

If anyone in this room is
capable of murder, it's Schwary!

Why, I ought to...
Monsieur!

Wait a minute!
Let go!

My husband may be capable of a
lot of low-brow moronic behavior,

but he's too much of a
coward to commit murder.

Thank you, dear.

Look, Inspector, come on.
What more do you want?

The man was eating the
evidence, for God's sake.

I'm innocent.
I didn't do it!

I've never made love for an
hour and a half in my life.

Ask my wife.
She'll tell you.

That's precisely
what I intend to do.

Sit down.

Ah, Elena, darling.

Madame, we are now
at the hour of truth.

Lives are at stake.

Pitiful lives,
but lives nevertheless.

Now, who was the man

that crawled out the window
of Suite 801 last night?

My husband.

(CHUCKLING NERVOUSLY)

Elena, the truth.

No matter how awful it may be.

Who were you
in bed with last night?

Say his name.

Augie Morosco.
No!

The woman is a compulsive liar.

She's only saying that
to protect me.

Because, in fact, my wife,
at the hour of the crime,

was in the arms of another man.

And that man, Mr. Inspector, is the
real murderer of Madame Van Dougen.

Alfonso de la Pena?

Alfonso...

Monte Carlo is a small town.

Please take a seat,
Madame Morosco.

You, too.

Senor de la Pena,
come in, please.

Please.

I believe you owe me
an explanation, Inspector.

I intend to do just that.

Tell us, if you will,
Senor de la Pena,

were you in
Madame Morosco's suite

at L'Hotel de Paris
last evening?

Absolutely not.

Who is this gentleman,
may I ask?

What is it, Monsieur Peters?

It's... It's...

It's the shoes.

From the bushes.

It's him!

(ALL GASPING)
He's the murderer!

No!

No, no, it was not me!

Yes, I admit. It was I who
was in the bushes last night,

but I'm certainly not guilty of
the murder of Madame Van Dougen.

Please continue,
Senor de la Pena.

You see...

I was to meet...

Claire at 1:00.

No one was to know
of our encounters.

It was her wish.

But when I arrived
in madame's bedroom,

she was not there.

What did you see in the bedroom?

Nothing unusual.

Her bed was turned down
as always.

Her powder-blue negligee was carefully
laid at the bottom of the bed,

but there was no sign of madame.

I left by the front door.

And immediately I heard
someone coming up the drive.

It was this couple
returning Napoleon.

I quickly ducked into the bushes

to honor madame's vow
of secrecy.

When they left, I left.

And I have nothing left to say.
I saw nothing more.

I can't believe, after an hour
and a half with this guy's wife,

you and the old woman were...

It's what I do.

BONNARD: Very interesting.

Don't you agree, Madame DePaul?

Didn't you tell me the only chore
you did the night of the crime

was to prepare Madame Van
Dougen's evening meal?

Yes, that's correct.

Did you not also tell me
you took the 7:50 train

to Saint Cloud Sur Mer?

Yes, that's also correct.

Then you were not in the house

to turn down
madame's bed as always

and lay out
her powder-blue negligee

as Seno de la Pena described
when he was in the room

at approximately 1:15?

No. We...

Then tell me, if you would,

how the bed became remade
when this photograph was taken

about 45 minutes after Alfonso
de la Pena left the bedroom?

I propose you never left
on the 7:50 train.

As a matter of fact,

you never left the villa at all.

I propose you were in the garage

disposing of the body

when Senor de la Pena showed up.

He saw the unmade bed

and slipped away.

You returned and remade the bed

in a desperate attempt
to cover your tracks.

It wasn't my idea.

Shut up, you fool!

(GROWLS)

(MUSIC PLAYING)

I'd like to propose a toast
to Napoleon.

Not only because
he's the only dog I know

that has
his own stock portfolio,

but because he led me to Phoebe.

And for that,
I will be eternally grateful.

Cheers.

To Napoleon.
To Napoleon.

Where else but Monte Carlo
would a cop arrest you one day

and then buy you the
finest champagne the next?

I bought the champagne.

Honey, this stuff has got
to be 200 bucks a pop!

That's chicken feed.

Marilyn, what is this?

This, Neil,

is the two and a half million
francs I won at roulette.

That's half a million
American smackaroos,

and it's all mine.

Honey, you won!

You know, I think
we need to see a kinder,

a gentler Neil Schwary
in the future, don't you?

Or maybe I'll take you back.

Yes!

And give it to you the way
you've been giving it to me

the past 10 years.

Yes! I deserve it, Marilyn.

Marilyn...

Take me back.

I'll think about it.

Oh! Ow.

Ladies and gentlemen,

I hope you have learned
a valuable lesson.

All your trouble came from
your mistrust and fear.

In the future, try to be
honest with the police.

Bonsoir.

And if you get into any
further trouble, please...

Don't call.

You know, Toussaint, it's funny.

Yes, it is.

(SIGHING)

When you leave
$20 million to a dog,

you're asking to be murdered.

Hmm.

So, what becomes
of the $20 million?

I suppose whoever
gets custody of the dog,

gets custody of the money.

Ah, the dog.

One of life's
misunderstood creatures

to whom no man is truly worthy.

It's what I do.

(NAPOLEON BARKING)