All language subtitles for Heading.Out.S01E03.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DDP2.0.H.264-MADSKY_track4_[eng]

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Jeremy Paxman:
Which French chemist refuted the phlogiston theory

of combustion by identifying
and naming oxygen?

- Dick Francis.
- I hate the science ones.

Why cant they do stuff on art?
Hi.

- Justine: Hi.
- Hi.

- Dick Francis.
- Oh, Fredo, I don't think so.

Go on, pal, you know.
Go on. Go to the basket.

- [ Grunts, sniffs ] Ooh.
- Ooh.

- Rabbit?
- Yes, rabbit.

Sorry, one detonated
in reception.

I thought I'd got rid of it.
Ugh.

Ugh.
[ Grunts, sighs ]

[ Sniffs ] Ooh, that's
still there, isn't it?

Sorry.
Anyway why are you here?

Justine has sold her television.

Mm, why is that?

To save up
for a new DVD player.

- And I've come to get this.
- Justine: Dick Francis.

Hang on.
That's my birthday present!

Yes, four years ago.

You've never read it,
so I'm taking it back.

[ Scoffs ]
Of course I've read it!

Alright, name a poem in it,
then.

Erm, there's one about Autumn,
er, time...

- Nope.
- ...an ode.

Pathetic.
They're beautiful and romantic.

- You should have read them.
- [ Gags ]

Who was appointed Secretary
of State under Richard Nixon

in 1973 holding the post
concurrently with that

- of National Security Advisor?
- Dick Francis.

Why do you always say
Dick Francis?

Its not like he is ever
going to be the answer, is he?

Could be. It's just a case
of waiting long enough.

I reckon if I keep on saying it,
then one day it'll be right.

Isn't that Jeremy Clarkson's
mantra?

- Right, come on, we're late.
- I've just got in.

Five minutes.

I'll shall be out in the car
pruning my Magic Tree.

Ooh. Someone rang for you.
An ex of yours.

Sounded angry.

Well to be honest that
could be any of them.

Okay well, process of
elimination.

Was there a steam-press
in the background?

- No.
- Right, not Clare then,

she doesn't get out
for I think another two years.

- Erm...
- Dick Francis.

Donna, performance artist,
just sat around in her pants

juggling oranges.
Never paid a bill.

- No, not her.
- Right err...

Who used to hoot like an owl
when she had sex?

"Hoo-hoo-hoo. Hoo-hoo-hoo.
Hoooo."

Er...I've no idea.

Look. Come on.
Come on. Focus. who was it?

I don't know.
She sounded French.

- French? Oh, God, that's Sabine.
- Yeah! That's the one!

Oh. She's in town,

and the person she was staying
with has stood her up.

Sabine: [ Knocking on door ]
Nom d'un chien! Fais chier!

C'est pas possible! Merde!

- So I invited her round.
- Oh God. Not Sabine.

Not here. Tell her I'm out.
Tell her I'm out.

Sabine: I can hear you!

Tell her I have left
the country.

[ Knock on door ]

Sabine: Allez merde!

Open this door!
[ Shouts indistinctly ]

Hi.

Justine, bonjour.

Oh, je t'aime,
my pale little English.

Oh.

[ Scoffs ]

Sabine: Sara.

Sabine.

I see that time has
not been kind with you.

I will not embrace you
in the French way

because I know you
cannot cope with,

how you say, intimité.

- Intimacy.
- Pfff, no matter.

You cannot cope with it
in any language,

because you are cold,
frigide, refoulée -- une lâche

qui a peur d'experimenter
la vie, effrayée...

Sabine, stop it! English!
En anglais! Parle en anglais!

[ Yells ]

Okay.

But it's just so beautiful.

We have plenty of time to
discuss about our differences.

For now, you can make me

one of those brown drinks
you English like.

What do you mean,
plenty of time?

Did Justine not tell you?
I am come to stay.

[ Chuckling ] Oh, no, you're --
no, you're not.

No, you're not coming
to stay, no.

Or what?
You will move to Canada again?

Il ne faut pas te moquer
de moi ma chérie,

je ne suis pas
complètement débile!

Parle en anglais! Sabine.
Parle en anglais!

Incroyable! Salope!

Justine, get rid of her.
Get rid of her. Okay?

Justine, I want it gone
by the time I get back.

- Sabine: No!
- [ Shouts indistinctly ]

Toria: Okay, let's recap.
Now, in four weeks' time,

your parents
are going to come to your house

and this is the chaos of you
coming out to them.

You don't think the
whole penis/parents analogy is

psychologically
counterproductive?

Okay, fair enough, yes.
Let's use the uni instead.

Now...

Oh that's made
a hell of a mess.

[ Laughing ] I hope it doesn't
go as badly as that.

[ Laughs ]

Is there really
a University of Kyrgyzstan?

- So, Sara, what do you need?
- Erm, help?

Surely Shangri-La
college is made up?

Bloody hope not.

I paid 25 quid
for that degree.

Right, let's get started.
A little bit of drum therapy.

Ah, no.
Sorry, I don't speak bongo.

Oh, come on.

Where did you get this
from? Nania Poletecnic?

Don't joke about it.
I've just seen the certificate.

Why am I going to take
a drum to my parents' house?

"Mum, Dad, there's something
you need to know --

I've joined the cast of Stomp."

I've saved a dozen marriages,
two civil partnerships

and a loose polyamorous
happening with that bongo.

Just think what
you want to say to me,

yes, and then drum it out.

Anything else?

Excellent. You see,
the feelings are there,

now you just need to get
in touch with them, like Jamie.

- What?
- Yes, Jamie's in touch

his feminine side --

he knows which colour
palette is in vogue each season,

he knows the names of most
British wildflowers

and he cries at "Natural
History" documentaries.

- Sorry what do you mean?
- Autumn 2010?

Oh, erm, warm taupe,
bias cutting,

the return of the palazzo pant.

See? He's a lovely, gentle
girl-boy-man

and not ashamed of it.

What we need is a trigger
to help you vocalise.

Now, what do you do
when you want to express love?

Well, I'm quite shy,

but I suppose I would cook them
something.

Can I just say that I do know
loads about cars? So...

Yeah, he, er -- he drives a
Nissan Eunuch.

- No, I don't. She's joking.
- Toria: [ Laughs ]

Alright, Sara, then what is
the speciality of your maison?

Well, actually, I do make
a very good crumble.

Okay, think about that crumble.
Yeah?

Make it a symbol
of your feelings.

Now, those feelings are great

and you're going to share
your feelings

just as you are going to share
your brilliant crumble.

Are you talking about the, er --
the sour crumble you do,

you know the one
with the undercooked apples?

You are such a...

[ Opera music playing loudly ]

[ Volume decreases ]

Sabine, what the hell are you
doing here?

Relax cherie.
I am just creating a mood...

Yes so I can see, and
that mood is human sacrifice.

I do not expect
that you understand.

You know nothing of expression,
of sensuality...

Ah, but this isn't sensuality.
This is a fire hazard.

Ah yes. You British.

Always with the health
and safety.

D'accord.
You dial neuf, neuf, neuf

whilst I dance
naked in the fires of passion.

Okay, do you remember when
I pretended to have amnesia?

Do you remember
when I faked my own death?

Well, this is why.

Because you could
never express yourself.

What do you want from me?

We didn't even have
a relationship.

We just argued for two months.

That is our relationship.

[ Crying ]

What now?

You can't handle my feelings.

Well, I can handle them.

It's just -- do you have to be
so continental about them?

You abandoned me.
All I had left was George.

And now il est mort...

Who's George?

He was like a father to me.

That is why I am here.

For his funeral. I am alone.

All I needed
was somewhere for a few days.

Please?

- A few days?
- Oui.

One night okay? One night.

No shouting, no kissing, and
no lit fires in the living room.

- Alright?
- Je t'adore!

[ Smooching ]

Daniel.

Would you say
that I'm repressed?

- Yeah.
- Really?

Yeah. Absolutely.
You're probably

the most repressed person
I've ever met in my life.

You're repressed, pent-up,

awkward, weird, neurotic and
you annoy the hell out of me.

Why?

Nothing.

[ Sighs ] Sorry I'm late.

I had a massive
plastic surgery consult.

Ooh, let me guess --
erm, eyebrow lift on a pug?

- Nope.
- Botoxing a bulldog?

No, I was actually vajazzling
a Vizsla, which was interesting.

Erm, she is now very grumpy
but extremely ornate.

- [ Chuckles ]
- So how is --

- Whoa, whoa, whoa.
- Ooh.

Okay so not in pain then...?

Erm, no. Erm...

Could that have been a fit?

- It could have been a fit, yeah.
- Mm-hmm.

- But it's not a fit, is it?
- No.

- Eve: Wasn't a fit.
- No.

No, no. He's, erm, yeah, robust.

I think he is just please
to see me which we

can't really prescribe
medication for.

Well, no, because otherwise,

well, we'd both be on
that medication.

- Erm...
- I guess that's it then.

All done.

I guess so yeah.

Nothing else?

[ Clicks tongue ] I...

I think we have
probably done everything.

we've done antibiotics, yes,
anti-inflammatories,

booster jabs, flea treatment,
God we were busy.

4 x-rays, 2 MRIs,
you removed his stitches,

the ultrasound scan.

Clipped his toenails,
we cleaned his teeth

and his balls were glazed.

But I didn't charge you
for that.

No-one could accuse you
of not being thorough.

Absolutely. [ Chuckles ]

Thanks.

Y-Y-You're very welcome.

[ Clicks tongue ] Hmm.
[ Clicks tongue ]

There's -- There's a --
There's a gerbil outside

- and she gets...
- Okay.

...very stressed about time.

Fine.

- I should go.
- Yeah.

We'll, erm, settle the bill.
[ Exhales sharply ]

Oh. Hi. Yeah, just a quick call
to say

that Tigger's out
of the operation now

and I should be able to let
you know in about an hour

or so whether he's dead or not.

I mean, I wouldn't hold out
too much hope...

[ Sighs ] Hi.

Erm, I think what
my trainee was trying to say is

that Tigger is defiantly
on the road to wellness

albeit taking a slight pit stop
in the layby of pain.

Okay? Thank you.

Daniel, I've told you
a million times.

Please don't drop the D-bomb
when there are clients present.

Okay? Thank you.

Actually, can I ask your advice?

Erm, I've got a friend
who's in a bit of a quandary.

- Is she blonde?
- No. Why?

[ Sighs ]
No, no, I hate blondes.

If she's blonde,
then whatever's happened,

she's brought it upon herself.

Well my very brunette friend,
she really likes somebody,

but she's finding it really hard
to express her feelings.

Aw, ditch her.
She sounds like a dork.

She is not a dork,

my friend.

She just doesn't have
any confidence.

Oh, that's easy.
Tell you what.

A couple of glugs
of gamma-hydroxybutyrate

for sexy-sexy times.

Man, I'm like...

An angry chipmunk?

Yeah. Yeah. Only for
about 90 seconds though.

Then, er -- then your legs
give way.

Reminds me I must, erm, get
the locks changed

on that drugs cabinet.

Okay, I can do this.
D-D-Deep breaths.

[ Breathing heavily ]

That's not helping. Erm...

Okay, er...

remember your mantra --
Apple crumble.

Apple crumble.
Apple crumble.

Hey, bro.
How are you?

She's in the stockroom.

- I'm not here to see her.
- Really?

I thought you were Satan's
little helper...

Well, hombre,
you've mistaken the situation.

- Really?
- Really.

From this position here
I could roundhouse kick you

into next week, mate.

Yeah? Well, I could, er...

slap your face...

...till it hurt.

- [ Chuckles ]
- Yeah. Yeah. Hey.

Nice styling.

So, er, what's happened to you?

I mean, I always thought
you were a massive wet towel.

Yeah, well, maybe this massive
wet towel is now dry.

- Hey, you finally manned up.
- Hell yeah.

So what's that them?

Just on my way to the dump
to take some books

thought I'd pop in
and see if you fancied a pint.

- What books?
- Oh.

Erm, complete works
of John Donne,

"Royal Horticultural Yearbook,"
"Blue Planet."

Is that porn?

Well, there's a sperm whale
in it.

Keep that one --
the rest have got to go.

Dude, I'm not even going to
recycle them. [ Chuckles ]

Yeah, well, it's good that
you've finally come round.

Us guys have got to stick
together haven't we?

It's a man's world.

We got to make sure those women
are reminded who's boss.

Daniel, how many times
have I told you

to clear out that stock room?

Sorry. Get on with it

- Sabine: [ Yelling in French ]
- Oh, God no.

Et quand elle a un orgasme,

elle fait un bruit comme
un hibou...

- What's an hibou?
- An owl.

Please tell me you
didn't just tell her that?

Oh, always with
the embarrassment.

The repression.

Why should you be ashamed
with me?

- We have shared everything.
- Hm.

Remember the time
that you had to wear a nappy

round the Coliseum...

- What are you doing here?
- J'ai oublié la clef.

How can you oublié it?

- I just gave it to you.
- Should I be here?

Maybe I lost it
because I am devastated.

I am in grief.

Je suis écrasée par
la douleur...

En anglais Sabine!

[ Gasps ] Merci. Adieu.

A bientot cherie.

A bientot psychopath.

Very sorry about that.
That's my ex.

She's mad. Totally mad.

But, erm, just here for
a funeral, staying for a bit,

- and then she's gone.
- I see.

Erm, do you have that bill?
I really should settle up.

Yes I do.

I was thinking
that we should, er,

have a drink tonight
to celebrate you having

the most irritatingly robust dog
on the planet.

I'm sorry. I can't tonight.

Erm, anyway, you seem to be
quite busy

with mad exes and, erm, gerbils.

Come on, Smithy.

- [ Buzzer ]
- [ Sighs ]

Jamie: Yo.

Hello.
Erm, yeah, I'm outside.

- Erm, can you buzz me in?
- Jamie: Whatever.

[ Buzzer ]

What the hell's happened?
Have you been burgled?

Ah, just kicking back.

Tidy it up if you want.

You lot like that sort of thing.

What d'you mean "my lot"?
Have you had a fall?

More of a revelation.

Why are you playing video games?

"Extreme Bastard 4."

- But you hate violence.
- Shut up, will you?

I'm trying to garotte
this postman.

Oh, well, I might have known
you'd be involved.

What have you done to him?

What have you done to my Jamie?

Don't know what
you're talking about.

We're just expressing ourselves.
Like men.

How do I mow
down that pensioner?

Press the "A" button twice.

- Ready?
- Yeah.

Was there anything else?

I will leave you
to your OAP game.

[ Tyres screech, crash ]

Hello?

Hello?

[ Liquid bubbling ]

Fredo?

Fredo?

Fredo?!

Sabine:
Bonjour cherie.

Monsieur Chien
and myself 'ave been cooking.

A little chicken three ways,

a soupcon of jus,
ballatine of quail --

What the hell were
you thinking of,

coming into my work like that?

- I was seeing a patient.
- A patient?

I do not think so.

I don't know what
you are talking about?

She is nice that one.

She likes you, but you will blow
it with your sad Englishness.

Do you want me to speak
with her?

No. Please, no, no.

Don't you see it is better
to share your feelings

than to have someone guess
at them?

We have a saying in France --
when the lion loses its larynx,

the antelope loses its meaning.

I have no idea what that means.

It is lost in translation.

Voilà.

Nope, still not got it. Sorry.
No idea.

George, who taught me that,
alone, lying in his coffin.

I have to speak the eulogy
at his funeral.

I don't know how I will cope.

- If only --
- If only what?

If only I had someone to support
me in this terrible time,

someone who could come

- to the funeral with me.
- Sabine.

What, you going to develop
another illness

in the next few seconds?

Mumps? Measles?
Whooping cough?

Maybe...

Sabine, please just
a few words...

I cannot do it.

- I cannot.
- Of course you can.

I am too vulnerable to speak.

You are never unable to speak.

I'm sorry.
You will have to do it for me.

- What?
- Look at me.

I am an 'usk.

Sabine, just a few words,
please.

Please. For your old friend

- and your old lover.
- No.

Yes we were lovers.
We were lovers. We were lovers.

Sara:
Alright, alright. I'll do it.

- Alright, I'll do it.
- Lovers.

Just sit down and shut up.
Shut up.

Alright.

Just tell me
what he was like.

He was courageous.

Mm-hmm.

- Strong.
- Mm-hmm.

Brave.

He lived in a small village...

[ Clears throat ]

George is...

- not alive.
- [ Crying ]

When he was alive
he knew some people.

About 6 or 7 people.

Erm, and the great thing
about these people

was there was a good split
between male and female.

About 60% men,

40% women.

Some of these men
have facial hair.

Beard and moustache.
Erm...

Some do not.

What I know about George
is...

he was a tiger.

[ Speaks indistinctly ]

And he was courageous,

strong...

...and lived in a village.

Hi, erm, Eve. It's Sara.

Listen, I just wanted to say
sorry about earlier.

It's, erm...

My life is crazy,
and I am going to sort that.

- [ Crying ]
- Can you just shut up a minute?

[ Crying ] I am bleeding.

And so are my ears.

It's quite a slow process.
Erm...

Er, think of it
like an apple crumble.

You've got your emotions
which are, erm, er, the fruit

and then you've got your crumble

which is
the crunchier emotions

and then you put it in the oven

and you heat up the emotions
and you share them.

And does that make...

- Anyway...
- [ Crying ]

...would you come to dinner
with me?

I-I can show you I've got loads
of other lab coats,

- loads of different colours.
- [ Crying ]

Who am I kidding? You can
probably not even hear me

over le bruit!

[ Sighs ]
If you want to, just call.

[ Crying ]

My darling! Merci beaucoup.

My emotions were too great
to handle.

You are better at this

because you are
emotionally détachée.

Yeah we'll call it quits,
shall we?

I just got to go now.
Okay?

- Oh.
- Why?

It's just that...

I said it would be okay
for some people to come back

to ours for some food.

Nothing special --
a little truffled frogs leg,

une fougasse with olives,
duck rillette.

Non?

Oui?

[ Laughter ]

That's right!

"Hoo. Ooh"

Hey.

Hi.
Didn't you get the message?

The "Miami Vice"-themed party
is off

We're too busy having a wake.

Very funny.

Why don't you tell it
to your coffee morning?

Yeah, erm,
I've made the puddings,

but we're a little short
on sandwiches.

Well get someone else
to be your nibbles bitch.

You know? I'm a man.

And more importantly
I am my own man.

- Isn't that right, Danny?
- Yep.

Yeah, you need to start
respecting me.

I am not going to clean
your clothes,

wash your dishes,
or chauffeur you around.

Will you still alphabetise
my books?

Oh, yeah, I'd still like
to do that.

Hey. Careful.

But I-I can't.

Yeah, this is, erm, a new era.

Mm.

This era doesn't have
a womb.

Its going to be quite
a short-lived, era isn't it?

[ Chuckles ] Think about it.

Right.

A wake is a great place
to pick up depressed tush.

So, phase two --
lessons in love.

Women love to be told

that they're going to have sex
with you.

- Really?
- Yeah.

Yeah. Watch this.

Alright.

- You're Sabine, right?
- Yes.

That means you are French,

- yeah?
- Mm-hmm.

- J'aime les Francais...
- Really? You speak a little?

Well, you know,
only what I need.

Voulez-vous coucher avec...

What's your problem?
I thought you Mediterraneans

liked a bit of bunga bunga...

Yeah she loved it.

That is the way to roll,
brother.

You see, that snail-eating
soft-arsed brie basher is

mine for the taking.

How many times
have to told you?

When you are angry use the FIST.

[ Grunts ]

Yeah, that's better...

- Did you make this crumble?
- Mm-hmm.

It's delicious.

Thank you so much.
That's really sweet of you.

[ Sabine laughs ]

You okay?

I've just been telling everyone
about the time

that you vomited on the steps
of the Vatican.

That was a very bad bug.
It was a one-off.

Do you know what?
I'm really not okay.

No, I'm not okay
with you invading my space,

or setting firecrackers
off in my bedroom,

or dressing my dog up
like Nicolas Sarkozy

and I am certainly not okay
with you telling total strangers

that I come like an owl.

I am furious with you.

Good.

I am glad.

At least this is an emotion!

Because you're crazy
and loud and shout all the time!

This is good. Anything else?

Yes. You are fun and open

and you love life
and...

and I hate you for it.

More.

I just want to bury
the hatchet.

Bury the hatchet?

Is this another repressed
English sex game,

like pass the parcel?

Oh, I don't think you've been
playing that right.

Mm.

I want to start again.

And I'd like us
to be friends.

Excellent.

Then as my new friend

I must tell you I have
sights on someone.

Mm. Really?

Someone delicate,
feminine, gentle.

I can sense the passion
lurking there.

Well.
Good luck. To them.

Next time, maybe you'll have
the balls

to invite that nice girl
that you like.

Hm. Mm.

Ah, my knight in shining amour.

I don't know about that.
I, er --

Parlez-vous français?

Oui.

[ Door buzzes ]

♪♪

Hi.

Hi.

Can I help you?

Me? Er, I'm here to see Eve,

but I think I've got
the wrong house.

Oh, no, no. She's here.

Erm, just -- er, darling,
are you alright?

There's someone here
to see you...

Eve: Alright, babe,
I'll just be a minute!

Alright.

[ People laugh in distance ]

She'll be ages.
I'm just going to...

I'll go get her.

Jeremy Paxman:
The symbiotic association of rhizobium bacteria

with the roots of legumes
is the basis of which process,

- essential to agriculture?
- Dick Francis.

Jeremy Paxman:
Your starter for ten -- which crime writer

rode the Queen Mother's horse
Devon Loch

in the 1956 Grand National?

- Dick Francis.
- Jeremy Paxman: Correct.

[ Cheers and applause ]

Which British composer's
works include

"The Protecting Veil"
and "Song for Athene"?

- [ Bell rings ]
- Sally Gunnell.

Jeremy Paxman:
The naked torso of a woman,

an inverted tuba
and a cane-bottomed chair

all appear in a painting
by which Belgian surrealist?

- Sally Gunnell.
- [ Buzzer ]

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