All language subtitles for Heading.Out.S01E01.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DDP2.0.H.264-MADSKY_track4_[eng]

So the next thing we know,
my friend Tamsin

realises she's late
for the school run,

screeches off and clips him with
the front wheel of her new car.

On the plus side, it is a Prius,

so, this accident's
had a small carbon footprint.

Okay, and how was
he at this point?

Really shocked, really shaky

so I gave him three drops of
rescue remedy and a Pulsatilla.

Pulsatilla?

Anyway, then he started
having these fits.

It was terrible. I thought
his head was going to fall off.

Well, I immediately thought
Thuya Occidentalis.

- Thuya?
- You don't think Thuya?

I don't think Thuya's going to

stop a cat's head
falling off, no.

No, no, silly Dorcas.

You'd need a snake venom
for that.

Well, anyway, things got much,
much worse.

He started foaming at the mouth

and making a rattling noise,
like this.

Ah, ahhhh!

Yeah, that last one is
definitely a signal.

It's very clear
from looking at.

- Mosley.
- Mosley.

That he's very poorly, isn't he?

Not a lot of quality
of life there is there?

- Oh, God, no. No.
- Poor thing.

So I think you it's time
you said goodbye.

Oh. Well, is there anything
we can do?

There really isn't.

Not when the head's gone.

It's hard to put it
in lay speak but.

Australian Bush tincture?

- No.
- I hear Arnica's very good.

It is, yes,
for a small bruise.

But as I said he's, um.

Oh, poor thing.

Well, listen, there's two
injections.

One is a very small injection.
It's the muscle relaxant,

and then the next is
a slightly larger needle

that is going to put him
to sleep, okay?

Okay, he's not going to feel
anything at all.

- I've changed my mind.
- Sorry?

I've changed my mind. I'd like
to take him home please.

But I've given him
the muscle relaxant.

Well, then,
I'll take him home relaxed.

When we vets say relaxed,
what we really mean is

permanently relaxed.

Well, he only likes to sit
on the sofa, it's not a problem.

The thing is.

I could take him to work
with me.

- I don't think you understand.
- He'd like that.

Your not listening to me.
I could pop him under the desk.

No, I could put him
under the desk --

Your cat is essentially
a windsock.

I'll sort it for you I promise.

It's the least you can do,
given the mess you've made!

You've killed Mosley.

Oh, God.

Slight communication issue
with Mrs. Waterson Daniel.

I thought she would
never shut up.

I need her cat cremated by 5:00
tomorrow if that's okay?

- Alright, but.
- No buts, Daniel.

I'm the head vet, remember?

That means I get
the "glory animals", cats, dogs.

A unicorn that needs worming?
I'll take that.

And that means you get.

Anything that smells,
anything that's old,

and anything that looks violent.

Yeah. And?

- And I do the nuking.
- It's Cremating Daniel.

We cremate our clients'
beloved pets.

What did I tell you?

When you're having sex
with a lady,

it's polite to work
from front to back.

About cremating Daniel.

Oh, um, don't cut corners
by using gravy granules.

- Yep.
- Don't play "Light my Fire"

in Reception,
don't bellow the phrase

"Time to crisp up kitty"
in front of the owner.

That last bit is very important,
yep.

- So, tomorrow.
- Yep.

- June 14th.
- Yes, it is.

Battle of Naseby?

We're recreating it in the park,

and I get to be
Sir Thomas Fairfax.

Yeah, it's brilliant.

I've managed to get a real
sword, too.

Don't ask.
Which is great 'cause

I'm up against
that little turd Simon

who works in the co-op.

Remember him?

I told you about him
he got me in a neck lock

when we did the Battle
of Stamford Bridge.

He's going like that. So this
is payback I'm telling you.

I wrote it down in the diary
anyway.

- Look.
- Great.

Oh, and what else
is in the diary tomorrow?

- Yeah.
- Yeah, your birthday.

- Yeah.
- ♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

- That's not necessary.
- ♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

♪ Happy birthday, cat killer ♪

I honestly I did not kill
that cat.

♪ Happy Birthday,
she killed a cat ♪

Hi. It's me. Are you alright?

Am I interrupting anything?

Great, no, that's great. Okay.

Sorry, its just
a really bad line.

Yeah.

Better now. Listen, so sorry
I haven't called.

I've been away working.

Just on an executive conference
you know.

Really dull.

You remember that night
you made me go cross eyed?

Quite keen to repeat that.

Well, why don't you come by?

There's key under the mat
because I lock myself out.

- Hello?
- [ Dog barks ]

Fredo, off! Fredo, off!

- Hi.
- Hi.

He's going nuts.
What you got in there?

Pork chops.

Very nervous flyer, so I like to
keep them in my hand luggage

like a lucky charm.
Do you want a drink?

Just water.
Thirsty after the gig.

Right. Who was playing?

I dunno. Someone Scandinavian.

They totally broke it up.
They're like so cool.

It was kind of a mixture
between Norwegian post-rock

and Swedish ambient.

But mellow, folky, chilled.
They were totally deck.

Yeah, sounds really deck.
Would you like a yoghurt?

Go on. Have a yoghurt.

I'm defiantly in the mood
for a yoghurt.

- No, thank you.
- Well, I tell you what,

I'm going to leave a couple
of multipack's out for you,

just in case
you feel the calcium burn.

Stop it.

[ Dog barking ]

- We had a plan, right?
- Yes.

I'm very keen
to stick to that plan.

Voice: Please leave your
message after the tone.

Woman: Happy birthday Sara,
Are you there?

Work. Sorry. I wont be long.

We got an e-mail this morning
from a lovely Nigerian,

saying we've won the lottery
in Lagos,

and we just need to send
an admin fee of 250 pounds.

You know I'm a stickler
for paperwork,

Man: We posted the cheque.

Woman: So we sorted it first
thing this morning.

- Hi mum.
- Oh, you are there.

Hello, darling.
Happy birthday.

- Happy birthday, love.
- Did you hear that?

- Yeah.
- So 40 .

Gosh. I remember
when you were a baby.

Such a long time ago.

Isn't it?

You had one ear that stuck out

and I was worried it
was going to stay that way.

Well, it did stay that way

but I've got hair now
so it's partially hidden.

I don't like to think of you
on your own.

- I worry, don't I, Donald?
- She worries, yes.

I don't like to
think of you alone.

Actually, I have met someone.

Well, I won't pry.
What's their name?

Michel. He's a French person.
He's a salesman

for a medical company.

What sort of things
does he sell?

Legs. Mainly legs.
Artificial legs.

Oh, well, that's useful,
isn't it?

- Very, yeah.
- Everyone needs legs.

Yep. Don't they.

Listen, your Dad and I
are thinking of coming down.

Because it's been a long time
since we visited

and there's a restaurant
I want to take you to.

They tell you the name
of the specific cow

you're eating
and they show you a video

of highlights from its life
while you're tucking in.

So maybe all four of us
could go there?

Four? Oh. Oh, yeah.
That would be great.

Well, what about
the weekend of the 23rd?

Oh, no, can't do that.

Because he's away at
a withered limb conference.

Well, what about a week later?

No, just looking now. No good,
he's playing petanque.

So a week after that?
That's six weeks from now.

You can't be booked
up that far in advance?

That's fine. I'll put it in.

Alright, the 6th. Don't forget.

- No, I won't forget.
- Have a lovely birthday.

Oh, Pamela told me about
the latest scam in the city.

These Yardie's, they flash
their headlights at you,

and if you flash them back,
they come and kill you.

- I'll bear that in mind.
- Please do.

- Alright, darling, bye.
- Bye, Mum.

Sorry, I didn't mean to listen,
but it was kinda blaring.

Why did you tell her
you had a boyfriend?

And 40? You said 32.

I never thought
you'd believe me.

I should have known.
You tap your feet to music.

And you invite someone
around for sex

and then offer them yoghurt?

Osteoporosis is really
on the rise so.

This is a deeply uncool
situation.

I mean I'm embarrassed.

I'll see ya.

[ Buzzer ]

Man: Hello. Happy Birthday.

More importantly, I've got
a new carpet so shoes off

when you come in.
Oh, and leave the dog outside.

Thank you.

Are you taking
your shoes off?

Yes!

And mind the paintwork,
it's freshly done.

Ooh, its nice, isn't it?
What is it?

- Elephant's breath?
- It's clown's ejaculant.

Ah, very posh.

Careful over the marble floor
its just been polished.

Luckily enough I walk very like
this so natural buffing action.

Actually you might scratch it.

You have all of
the fastidiousness of a gay man

with none
of the redeeming qualities.

- Happy Birthday.
- Thank you.

So come on. What's up?

Please try and make it
something new.

I don't have the energy

to feign interest
in the same old crap.

What do you mean?

The aging process,
your commitment phobia,

whether to botox
your frown line.

Let me stop you right there.
It is the same old crap.

I feel this shame, Jamie,
all the time.

It's like ivy
creeping around me.

And I'm just worried
that if I peel it off

there'll be nothing
left underneath.

[ Groans ]

- What?
- Sorry.

Just wondering at what point it
wouldn't be too rude interject

and to ask you
to get your feet off the table.

Maybe I'll lug my existential
angst over to someone

who's had sex
with something other

than a watermelon this side
of the millennium.

She's not a watermelon.
She's a honeydew.

Her name is Patricia, and we're
very much in love.

It was here.
I'm sure I parked it here.

Zut alors!
Nous avons perdu la voiture.

- What?
- What?

- Do you speak French?
- No.

Parlez-vous franais?

- Non.
- Very good. You see.

You're picking it up already.

And the reason for
the question is?

Qu'est ce que c'est le probleme?

You know you're
now getting to be nearly fluent.

Right, next thing I need
to know is,

do you have a working knowledge
of the human skeleton,

with a particular fondness
for 'jambes'?

Okay, you have five seconds
to tell me what's going on

before I scream
into your sticking-out ear.

- Oh, my sticking out ear?
- Yes.

Well, my mum phoned
and she's coming down to visit.

That's fantastic. It'll be nice
to finally meet her.

And I told her
that I had a boyfriend.

And he was French.

And sold legs.

I don't know what came over me
either but I was very stressed.

I was in a panic situation and
I reacted the best way I could.

It's only for one night.

Just to get the old girl
off my case.

Come on. Please?
S'il vous plait?

You know, I am going to pretend
I didn't hear that.

Oh, God,
I forgot he was coming.

Is it wrong
to want to shave a dog?

- Yes, its extremely wrong.
- I've just had the car valeted.

- What's in the bag?
- Work stuff.

I need to drop it off en route
if that's okay.

Yeah, sure.
What about electrolysis?

Do they do that for dogs?

Stop trying to make
my animal bald.

Here's your present.

Already I know it's
not the lamp that I asked for.

- Oh, God, it's started.
- What's started?

The enforced fun.

Oh, no, the enforced fun
doesn't start until later.

This is the statutory
embarrassing build-up

before the enforced fun.

Talking of which,
come over to mine for dinner.

- Seven o'clock sharp.
- Right and that's dinner, yes?

It's not some surprise.
You know I hate surprises.

You know I have a drugs cabinet.

Just open up
and give you myxomatosis

of the nuts.

It's a risk
I am willing to take.

Sara: How could you?
How do you think I feel?

Do you think I wanted to spend
a landmark birthday careering

around an industrial estate with
a liquifying tabby on my lap?

Jamie: Get out! Get out!

Hi. Wonder if you
could help me.

I run the Parker Lane Surgery,

and I really need to
get this cat --

- Welcome.
- Thank you.

Welcome to the Green Valley
Place of Rest for Dogs, Cats

and other Companion Animals.

May I say how very sorry I am.

Oh, God, don't worry.
It's not my cat!

Then I am sorry
for the owner's loss

And at the same time saddened
they were too disengaged

to make this final trip
themselves.

Please, take a seat.

I'll give you
our brochures to look at.

We have the full range
of commemorative plaques

and statuary, including
a limited edition

Gilbert and George headstone

made entirely
from injection-moulded pet dung.

Actually I'm in a bit of a rush.

Yes, I can see. A birthday.
How awful to spoil it.

Why not stuff the corpse
into a bag

and dump it en route
to the nearest nightclub.

It's not like that.

The owner wants the cat's ashes
as soon as possible, like today.

Or while I wait.

We are not a drive through
crematorium, Madam.

We don't do takeaways.

Here we take care and
consideration.

We hand cremate.
We emote. We pray.

Right, oh, that's good --

So when you suggest I
casually incinerate this feline,

you not only insult the memory
of the beloved creature itself,

but you insult the care
and attention

that we at Green Valleys
customarily lavish

upon the deceased.

Could we compromise
and say if I leave him here,

you'll have him burnt by 5:00?

Only two types of people
wear bibs.

Toddlers and you lot.
That's all I'm saying.

But the skirts are hot.

There is nothing hot about
the nylon pleated mini, Justine.

Under 25, it's pervy wrong, and
over 25, it's just wrong wrong.

I look like a post breakdown
Britney in this outfit.

What are you doing?

Taking on fluids, fuelling
my body-getting into the zone.

I am focused.

Now excuse me, I need
to concentrate on my mantra.

[ Whistle blows ]

Does the vending machine
still do fags?

They've got Mrs. Tiggywinkle's
as goal shooter.

That's Toria.

Seems to be some kind of
inner city asthmatic hakka.

Who's Toria?

Just an acquaintance.

Oh, really?

Is that some sort of sexual
frisson I'm picking up on?

- No
- Yes, it is. You're going red!

- Shut up, will you?
- You're blushing

Look at you,
the Don Juan of netball.

- What's netball?
- This is netball.

Is it?
I thought this was basketball.

Weren't you expecting
the ball to bounce

at least once
in the last five years.

I dunno. I assumed you just
weren't very good at it.

♪ Uh-huh, this my shit ♪

♪ All the girls stomp
your feet like this ♪

♪ A few times I've been
around that track ♪

♪ So it's not just gonna
happen like that ♪

Yeah!

Three second rule!

Soon it'll be over.
Soon it'll be over.

♪ A few times I've been
around that track ♪

♪ So it's not just gonna
happen like that ♪

♪ 'Cause I ain't
no hollaback girl ♪

♪ I ain't no hollaback girl ♪

- Referee?
- Red card.

You are going to have a lot
of trouble trying

to get out of this one.

Alright, I'm going.
you're doing me a favour, okay,

because I don't want to spend
my weekends playing catch

with a load
of big-titted children.

[ Laughing ]

- Oh, did she mean us?
- Alright. I'm going!

Yes, it's me, back again.

Just forgot my bag and my dog.

Thank you.

And yes, very aware of

how embarrassing that is
on every level.

So goodbye.

Excuse me.

Stay there, stay there.

Didn't you see the signs?
Dogs on leads!

They've been fencing this area
with barbed wire all week.

But no, why do that
when you can let it run riot.

It's so inconsiderate of you.

- It's not my dog, love.
- Oh. So sorry.

God, is he alright?

Well, no, actually,
he's not alright.

He's...

fine considering.

Did you sort him out?
Thank you so much.

Its okay, really.
I was just on my way to work.

Oh, right.

Do you normally work in
the woods?

Yes, I'm an apprentice elf.

I see. Okay, so when do
you get the hat?

You are very elf savvy,
aren't you?

Okay, well, why off that yet.

Of course because
that's Fairy Key Stage 3.

- Yeah.
- And what about the ears?

About 6 months off that.

I'm assuming, as an elf you work
in something craft-based.

We are actually trying to move
away from that stereotype.

- So I'm an executive.
- An Executive?!

What?

Well, that doesn't mean
anything.

It needs to have another word
with it, like,

accounts or sales
or advertising?

Although I very much doubt it,
dressed like that.

- Vet.
- An executive vet?

Yes. We're the most elite type
of vet actually.

- Are you embarrassed?
- A bit embarrassed, yeah.

- Why?
- I dunno.

Suppose people think vets
spend all day every day

with your fist
up an animal's arse,

and to be honest that's
only 95% of the job.

Well, that doesn't frighten me.

- Hi. I'm Eve.
- Sara.

Thank you for looking after
my dog.

You're welcome.

Right, well,
I'm actually in a bit of a rush.

Is he gonna be okay?

Or should I need to get
him checked out?

You should, yes.
Definitely get him checked out.

Maybe book an appointment
as soon as possible.

He's probably going to need
antibiotic's,

anti-inflammatories,
painkillers, MRI,

CT scans, ultrasounds.

Basically what I'm saying is you
could be seeing an quite a lot

of this net balling elf vet.

You mean executive
net balling elf vet.

- Yeah.
- Well, have you got a card.

I could bring him
by your surgery in the morning?

I have I think somewhere,
here. Here you go.

Thank you.

You don't do eye contact do you?

- Not if I can help it, no.
- Well, you should try it.

You'd be amazed what
you might learn.

Do you want to come to a party?

- I'm sorry. Are you twelve?
- No, I just dress like it.

It's a surprise.

- For who?
- Well, for me actually.

The surprise is how good I am
at acting surprised

when everyone jumps out
and says surprise.

Okay.

Shall I surprise you
by just magically knowing

- the time and place?
- Yeah, why don't you do that.

Okay. I shall consider
it a challenge.

See ya.

Justine.

Stop what you're doing
and listen to me.

I can't stop anything,
because I'm not doing anything.

Well, this party
that you're not organising.

This is a trap, isn't it.
They said you'd do this.

I want to make sure there
will be none of the following --

jugglers, poets, clowns,
strippers, gorilla-grams,

chocolate fountains,
anything on stilts.

Oh, and Justine, no balloons.

[ Buzzer ]

- You are late.
- Listen, you need to let me in,

I've locked myself out
and I have news.

- Come on, let me in.
- No.

Jamie?

Surprise!

Oh, Gosh.
I really don't know what to say.

Nice to see you made an effort.

Eat. Drink. Don't spill.

Thank you.

What's she doing here?

I dunno. She came with one
of Justine's mates.

Do you know her?

Sort of.
On the surface.

- Hello, soldier.
- Hey, alright.

Did you win?

You don't tend
to change the result

when you re-enact battles,
so yes.

- What's with the head?
- Pike to the forehead.

Schoolboy error that.
Patched it up at work.

Well, what about Simon?

Oh, yeah, I think I managed
to break his nose

during a hand-to-hand skirmish.

I got this rock, right,
and I smashed

his face in like that.

So I reckon we're even now.

I'm going to get a drink.

I thought a soldier
never retreated.

- Hi.
- Hi.

Listen, I just wanted to
apologise about earlier.

It's none of my business.

It's none of my business
what you tell your mum.

Actually, you were right.

Oh I took your key by mistake,
sorry about that.

Surprise!

Wow. You're here.
You're here.

We're all here. Great.
Eve meet Clara.

- Chiara.
- That, as well.

So how do you two
know each other?

Well, we just met really.

Your friend Daniel
was telling me

how you can geld
a tortoise one-handed.

- Yep
- Wow.

That's a party trick.
I could geld him right now.

Alright, Eve.
She popped by work

to pick up some ear cleaner
and some poo bags.

I told her where the party was.

Alright there. Oh, I see.

I've made this sex triangle
into an awkward square.

Fredo, Fredo, no!
This is a new carpet!

It's a new carpet!

Sara, is that
the cat you killed?

- Yep.
- I thought you said

- you'd deal with it?
- I tried to, didn't I?

But it was very difficult.

So who's going to have to speak
to the owner tomorrow,

That's me, isn't it?

Thanks thank you very much.
Cheers for that.

Why is there a dead cat
in your bag?

Oh, I like to use it
to swing around a room

to see how big it is.

Why is there a dead cat
in your bag?

She's an Executive, they do
that kind of thing all the time.

That word doesn't mean anything.
Executive what?

- Vet.
- A vet?

Then why would you tell me
you're some globe-trotting

advertising guru?

Oh, so I might answer
your late-night

bootie calls a little faster?
Because I'm that shallow?

Well, do you know what,
next time you fancy a brief,

and, might I say,
deeply unrewarding shag.

- I was very tired.
- Call someone else.

Well, this is turning into quite
a surprise party, isn't it?

I can't remember the last time
I enjoyed a party so much.

I'm going for a fag.
Do you want to come?

I just need the colour
in my face

to dip from Sir Alex Ferguson
to just a normal raspberry.

Shush, shush. Everyone, shut up.

Sara, we have some things
we'd like to say to you.

Justine! You've missed a bit!
There's a piece of paw.

I'm not very good at improvising
so I've written things down.

Sara, you are smug,
intellectually insecure,

messy,
and a nightmare girlfriend.

Great speech.

But you are also, and
it pains me to say it, loveable.

And because we love you,
we want you to be happy.

So, with that in mind,

we've all clubbed together
to get you a mystery gift.

Oooh, this is my bit!

First, you need to pop
this blindfold on you.

Now, arms out and follow me.

Am I warm?

Surprise!

Surprise!
What's the surprise?

- What is she doing here?
- You remember Toria.

Toria's a lifestyle coach.

Personal enhancement
coordinator.

And she is your present
from all of us.

You're going to work with her
for the next five weeks

and she is going to do
everything in her power,

whether it's workshops,
group counselling.

Drum therapy.

You said you wouldn't
mention that.

Everything so that that
when your parents come to visit

you're going to look them
in the eye

and tell them
that you are a big, old gay.

Very good, very good.
This is a joke.

- Yes?
- No.

And if the time comes
and you still can't do it,

Toria has been instructed
to do it on your behalf.

Hello, Angela. Sara is a big --

If you want my advice,
you'll go with the first option.

- Far less painful.
- You are going to out me

to my mother?
What's wrong with you?

What's wrong with you?

You'd rather have
a friend speak French

and pretend to be your boyfriend
than tell the truth.

You're so scared
of who you are you

don't even like telling
people you're from Streatham

- I'm not from Streatham.
- You see!

Look, outside
is this incredible girl.

- There's always a girl.
- This one's different.

Different.
And you're always the same.

That's the trouble,
do you not see that?

I just need time on my own
and then I will do it.

- I don't need her, okay?
- I'm sorry.

We wanted to get you something
that would change your life.

This is it. Be free.
Be happy for once.

Thank God for you.
You're the only other woman here

in fancy dress.

What is it?
Post breakdown Britney?

Now I know we didn't
get off on the best footing,

which is a ruddy shame
because I'm an awful lot of fun

and crazy with a capital 'B'.

[ Laughs ]

So come on, come on,
give us a big, breasty cuddle.

- No, no, I don't want --
- Come on.

That's it. Rock and cradle,
rock and cradle.

Sara: But I only wanted a lamp!