All language subtitles for Alfred.Hitchcock.Presents.S04E03.The.Jokester.480p.DVD.DD.2.0.H.265.-EDGE2020_track3_[eng]-eng

Good evening.

It grieves me to announce that
it will be impossible for my
cousin, Alvin Hitchcock,

to entertain you
with his singing.

He fell victim to a crowd
of teenage souvenir hunters.

After first helping themselves
to bits of his clothing,

they began snipping off
locks of his hair.

He held still for that.

After all, he certainly
needed a haircut.

But when they had
exhausted his hair,

they refused
to stop shipping.

He was very popular.

This was all we found.

Tonight's program
was to have included
many of his greatest hits.

I Dig You, Darling,
‘Cause You're Sick,
Sick, Sick.

The FBI Is Breaking Up
That Old Gang Of Mine.

Take Off Your
Leather Jacket, Mother.
You Shall Not Ride Tonight.

And Tchaikovsky's
Rock And Roll Concerto.

Substituting for his concert
is a play, "The Jokester."

However,
as a tribute to Alvin,

let us first observe
one minute of noise.

(HEAVY THUD)

DAVE: Oh, come on,
Andrews, let it alone.

Bet I woke every
stiff up down there.

You're high, Andrews,
what are your bets?

Let's see, that'll be
what, a couple?

I'm out.

I'll see you,
Andrews.

Well, that puts
me out.

Joker gave me
a straight.

You bum.

You're pretty lucky.
Let's see how lucky you are
with your fists. Come on.

Watch it, Andrews,
you might get hit
in the wrong place.

Oh, what do you mean?
I'm not kidding,
I've got a bum neck.

Come on,
what are you talking about?
MORGAN: You're the picture
of health.

No, I've got a very
sensitive vertebrae
right here.

I hurt it playing
football in high school.

ANDREWS: Oh, come on,
that was years ago.

MORGAN: Yeah.
You're breaking my heart.

I spent two weeks in a bed
paralyzed because of it.

Well, it sure doesn't
stop you from winning
at poker.

Now, that's the second time
you've drawn the joker.

Well, that's the
perfect card for me.

We're back to back,
same breed, joker and me.

Bradley,
the practical joker
of newspaper row.

At other people's
expense.

Oh, no, you're unfair
to me. You all are.

You can't deny
that you live
only for a laugh.

Well, we're laughing.

Well, why not?

Life is one big joke
from the day you're born.

Fate gives you
the unexpected hotfoot,

puts a sneezing powder
in your bouquet of roses

and I just go
along with it.

MORGAN: You're high, Dave.
Check.

Check.
My cards.

Oh, hiya, Pop.
How you feeling?

Fine.
What's happening
downstairs, Pop?

I wondered about
my story, Dave.

Oh, it's gonna be
in the paper tomorrow.
Two column spread, Pop.

That's real
nice, son.

I ain't never
had any of you
newspaper people

to hardly ask me
a question,

much less
write about my...
You got a pair, Dave.

Yeah,
what'll you do?
Oh, well, let's see,

that's worth
two bucks.
Let's make it five.

I'm out.

Say, Pop,
maybe Dave's story will
help you keep your job.

Huh? I didn't catch that.

ALL: Maybe Dave's story
will help you keep your job!

Oh, sure hope so.

Some people say
that they should have
retired me five years ago.

But I need this job.
My wife, she's so sick.

Four, five,
I've lost count, operations,

and my retirement pay
is so little, I...

Well,
thanks again, Dave.
Okay, Pop.

Table's bet.
Well, let's see.

Well, you must be thick
to waste your columns
on Pop Henderson.

What do you mean?
It made an
interesting story.

Hearts and flowers?
Pop Henderson partially blind,
partially deaf, totally dumb?

Or Pop Henderson who has
cataloged the dead for
so long

he feels closer to them
than he does the living?

Is that the way
you wrote it?

Okay, okay,
I've had enough.

Oh, come on, Dave.
No, so long,
fellas.

All right.
So long, Dave.
DAVE: So long.

Well, that
kind of broke up
the poker game.

Yeah, I guess
that's it.

Gentlemen, let's pay a visit
downstairs to the morgue.

Huh?
Pop Henderson,

a man that gives
me inspiration.

Yeah, okay.

Okay, it's cooler
down there, anyway.

Come on.

(SNORING)

(POP COUGHING)

Oh, hi, fellas.

Hi, Pop.

Taking a snooze,
Pop?

Yeah, I get kind of drowsy
about this time of night.

We've come to ask
you a favor.
POP: Oh?

We want to look
at number six.

Oh, that's the strangulation
case that come in today,
ain't it?

Yeah, that's the one.
We just got a tip.

Might be a real
scoop, Pop.
Yeah, headline stuff.

It's that missing
New York banker.

You don't say. Him?

ANDREWS: Mmm-hmm.
What about it, Pop,
can we see him?

Sure, come on.

Let's see,
number seven.

How about
number six?

Oh, of course,
number six.

Yeah, here it is.

Good old number six.

Come on out.

There you are.

Oh, you've got
your refrigeration
working overtime, Pop.

No, it's always that cold,
below freezing.

It looks like the banker.
How about it, gentlemen?

Yes, yes, it certainly
resembles him.

Yeah, that chin.
One in a million.

Oh, yeah, right.
It fits the description,
all right.

Morgan, why don't you
go along with Pop

and get the folder
on this gentleman?

Sure.
Pop?

All right, Mr. Bradley.

Now, let's see,
number seven.

No, no, number six, Pop.

Oh, of course, I know.

There it is.
There you are.

Now, wait a minute.
Let's make sure
we're right, here.

No, this isn't the
strangling case,

this is a
gunshot accident.

It is?
Yeah.

My eyes are
really bad.

No, this is
the right one,
Mr. Morgan.

It is?
You can forget
about it, Pop.

But why?
Bradley said to check...

I know.
We made a mistake.

So, you can put number six
back to bed if you want, Pop.

Come on, Morgan,
let's go up and play
a few more hands.

Yeah, all right.

(STAMMERING)
Where's Mr. Bradley?

Well, he went
on home, Pop.

Oh.

Well, I'll put number
six back to bed.

ANDREWS: Okay.
Good night, Pop.

MORGAN: Good night.
Good night.

(GROANING)

(GROANING) Where am I?

I'm alive.

I'm alive.

(LAUGHING)

Did you even
see his face?
It was...

No, go back to the office
before the sergeant
gets down here.

I'll tell you, Sarge,
number six is alive.

He sat up
and talked to me.

I heard him,
I saw him, please...

You're getting so old,
you're seeing things.

No, wait, wait till you get...
You'll see, I tell you,
he's alive.

Please come with me.

All right. All right,
I'll take a look.

But I'm warning you, Pop.

You'll see when
you get there.

Well, come on,
show me.

There, see?
Number six.
He's alive.

He's alive, ain't he?

You're crazy as a coot.

He's frozen stiff
and dead as a mackerel.

Come on.
See for yourself.

He's frozen, all right.

But I'll swear he sat up
and talked to me

just a few minutes ago
when Mr. Bradley...

Bradley?
What about him?

Mr. Bradley was here
looking at number six.

Oh, he was, was he?

(SIGHING)

So help me.
I'm getting sick and tired
of your inefficiency.

We'll see what the
captain says about this.

Something wrong,
Sergeant?

Oh, you would know,
would you?

Would know what?

Well, I thought
you went home,
Mr. Bradley.

SERGEANT: Some cut up, huh?

Now, Sergeant.

The joker
from Funnyville.

But what's Mr. Bradley
got to do with...

Don't you know when you're
the patsy for the oldest gag
in the police station?

You mean, it was
Bradley who...

Yeah. In eight,
not six.

Oh, I don't
see so well.

Oh, now, Sergeant.
Can't you take
a little joke?

No, I can't!

I got more important jobs
to do than to chase around
because of your stupid jokes.

So stop wasting
my time, Bradley.

As for you, Pop.

Oh, I'm sorry, Pop.

(LAUGHING)
Pop, didn't realize
it would backfire.

Oh, we didn't
mean to hurt you.
Shut up, Bradley.

Oh, look at the old man.
How can you laugh?

(LAUGHING) Why not?
It worked, didn't it?

Pop, I'm sorry, I...

Oh, that's okay.

Listen, we'll make it
up to you some way.

Yeah. It was
a dirty trick.

Oh, now, wait a minute,
come back.

I hate guys that
can't take a joke.

I still don't
understand.

You thought it was
the stiff in number six

and it was me
in number eight.
You see?

The Sarge guessed it
right away.

BRADLEY: Express City Desk?

He's right,
the Sarge.

Hello, Express City Desk?
Joe? This is Bradley.

Everything's quiet here.
Has the paper gone to bed?

Okay, I'm leaving.

Well, am I going home?
That's a joke. What home?

No, no, don't look for me
until tomorrow night.

So long, Pop.

Mr. Bradley,
I may have to resign
because of your joke.

Oh, no,
not a chance, Pop.

Nobody wants an old man
who gets all mixed up.

And if I do have to resign,
what am I going to do for
money for my wife and...

BRADLEY:
Quit complaining, Pop.

The sergeant cools off and
doesn't cause me trouble,

don't you ever play
another joke on me.

Now, don't tell me
what to do.

I wish I could have
seen your face when
I sat up and groaned.

You've had your joke,
Mr. Bradley.

Now leave me
alone, please.

No, Pop.
You're the perfect patsy
for a guy like me.

You're my little pigeon.

Pigeon.

(JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING)

What'll it be?

A double bourbon,
please.

What's the matter
with all the joints tonight?

This is as dead as
the last three places
I've been inside of.

If I'd have known
you were coming, bud,
I'd have hired a brass band.

That'll be 75 cents.

Pull it out of my hand
and you can keep the change.

What's the gag?

There's no gag.
Just pull it
out of my hand.

Ouch!

(SNIGGERING)

You see, you get it?
It was made of rubber.

You're a card,
you are.

Yeah, very funny, very funny.
I got to introduce you
to my four-year-old kid.

Can I have 75 cents
of real cash, please?

I don't know what it is.
Nobody can take
a joke anymore.

All right, let me
have another one.

Have a drink
with me, sailor.

Wait. Just a drink,
that's it.

A toast,

to madam or miss,
as the case may be.

Let's drink to a world
where people laugh.

At your jokes? No.

Look out there!

What was it?

It's gone now.
It was a policeman.

So what?

On horseback.

(COUGHING)

What's the matter, Millie?
BARTENDER: What is it?

(COUGHING) I...

I think wise guy here
put some stuff in it.

(LAUGHING)

Cheap gag,
if I ever saw one.

You go around doing
things like that
alot, huh?

It's okay.
Let the joker alone.

You all right, hon?
Sure.

Sure. It was just a gag,
don't you see?

Yeah, I see.
It's just pepper
and flavored water.

It can't
hurt anyone.
Just pepper, huh?

Mike, forget it.

So, it was just
a gag, huh?

Sure, it was just a gag.

Look, let me stand you
and the lady for a drink.

How about it?
I don't want no drink.

You always go around
pulling jokes like that?

Yeah, I guess I do.

Anything for a laugh, huh?

Yup, well,
that's about it.

Try this for a laugh.

That dumb jerk,
he had it coming to him.

You shouldn't have
hit him, Mike.

You hit him
kind of hard.

No, just a gentle tap.
Loosened a couple
of teeth, that's all.

Maybe now he'll think
twice before he goes
around insulting women.

You better
look at him.

His head.
Yeah, it's
twisted funny.

Well, do you
think maybe...

He's dead!
MILLIE: No.

His neck's broken.

Dead, what do you
mean he's dead?

Go look for yourself!

MILLIE: What are we gonna do?

BARTENDER:
Well, I don't know.

Better go home, Millie.
I won't leave you.

You heard me.
BARTENDER: He's right.

No.
Look, will you
take off?

I'm in this as
much as you are.
Okay, okay.

Besides, it was
just an accident.

Yeah.

I didn't hit him
hard enough to hurt him.

It was just an
accident, see?

Yeah, I see,
but what about the cops?

It's no good, Mike.

I'm in enough trouble
with the cops without
nobody dying in here.

There's assault and
battery convictions
against you already.

MILLIE: Yeah,
it'd look bad for you.

MIKE: Well, what did
you expect me to do?

Look, he played a dirty joke
on my girl, didn't he?

Yeah, but even so.

Oh, no.

Not only bad,
it's no good at all.

The jerk's a reporter
for the Express.

Oh, a reporter.
Yeah, a reporter.

It's as bad
as killing a cop.

Look, we got to get
him out of here.

Yeah, yeah,
but how?

Dump him.

MILLIE: The docks?

Yeah, the docks.

Sure.

We can make it
look like he was
mugged or plastered.

He took a bad fall.

Now look, if they
trace him here,

he was drunk and left
when you closed the place.

You don't know
from nothing.

I get it.

Well, if they don't
find anything in
his pockets,

it'll take them
a while longer to
find out who he is.

BARTENDER: You ready?
I'll get the car.

Yeah, the back way.
Make it fast.

Come on,
give me a hand here,
will you?

So you had to go
and report it to
the captain, huh?

You bet your
sweet life he did.

I'm ordering Pop to
resign and that's that.

So just beat it
back to the newsroom,
boys, and let me alone.

Okay, Captain,
I guess if Dave can write
a story about Pop,

I can write
one about you.
What?

Oh, no, Andrews.
Now wait a minute.
Let that be my pleasure.

I happen to have
a lot of interesting
dope about the captain.

Now, look, boys,
a joke's a joke.

You know, I think my editor
might go for the low-down
on that arson case.

Please, fellas,
please!
I can see it now.

A harmless little guy
works for 40 years
in the morgue,

until the mayor
puts in his windbag
of a second cousin.

But I'm his
first cousin!

I wonder how it will go
with the voters when
they read about Pop.

Election year.

Well, now, let's talk
it over, fellas.

So long,
Captain.
Now, Dave...

I'll show you
the story tomorrow.

Morgan, you're
a friend of mine.
Sorry, Sarge.

They're only
kidding, Captain.

I don't know.

Hi, Sarge, Captain.

Did you see the story
in the paper that
Dave wrote about me?

My wife, she was
so happy about it,
she...

Captain, what are you
doing in the morgue?

Did you want
to see me?

Yes, Pop, yes I do.

What about?

I could demand your
resignation after what
happened yesterday,

but I'm going
to give you
one more chance.

Thanks, Captain.

One more slip-up
and you resign.

Is that clearly
understood?

I promise.

Come on, Sergeant.

Oh, that's a new
stiff they picked up
down by the docks.

Lay him on slab
number eight, fellas.

From the looks of his face,
he was mugged.

He was cold already
when the intern got to him.

Put him to bed,
make him comfortable.
They'll autopsy tomorrow.

Who is he?

No identification, yet.

I'll make him
comfortable.

BRADLEY: Where am I?

My neck, twisted again.

It's worse than before.

Can't move.

It's cold.

Cold in here.

Freezing.

(GROANS)

(SOFTLY) Henderson.

I'm alive.

(MUTTERING)

Not twice, Mr. Bradley.

No more jokes on me.

If you've been waiting
for me to play this,

I'm afraid I must
disappoint you.

I can't.

Of course, Alvin
couldn't play, either.

He just pounded it
as he sang.

Now, we bring you the
greatest single argument
for the return of radio,

after which I shall do
some returning of my own.

Well, we seem
to have more time,
but no more entertainment.

So we shall fill the gap
with a list of names

of those we hold responsible
for tonight's buffoonery.

As for myself,
good night until
next week.