All language subtitles for Alfred.Hitchcock.Presents.S02E24.The.Cream.of.the.Jest.1080p.PCOK.WEBRip.AAC.2.0.H.265.-EDGE2020_track3_[eng]

Good evening.

I understand it is fashionable

to introduce television plays
from a library.

And so, I thought
I would preface
tonight's play,

"The Cream of the Jest,"
in this way.

The Cream of the Jest

is a play about
the theatrical business.

(SHUSHING)

(SPEAKING SOFTLY)
And it has as
its central character

a fading actor named
Charles Hanover Gresham.

Our play will...

(ALL SHUSHING)

Our play begins
in just one moment.

Thank you.

Hello, Jerry.

How fresh and dewy
you look!

(CHUCKLING)
Hello there, Mr. Gresham.
How are you today?

Splendid, Jerry,
splendid.

I'll be even more so
when I've partaken
of that amber fluid.

The usual on the rocks,
please.

Gee, Mr. Gresham,
I'd like to,
but I'm afraid I can't.

Now, you're not
gonna tell me
the well has run dry?

Well, in a manner
of speaking, it has.
For you.

You see,
your tab has run
awfully high and...

Well, Mr. Orsatti,
he'd like to carry you,

but it's been going on
such a long time.

Yes, of course. I understand.

But do you think I could
impose on his generosity

just once more?

You see, Jerry, I wasn't
speaking the truth just now.

I actually feel
rather shaky today.
I didn't get that part.

And you know how it is
with actors.

And I'm sure
to get something.

And when I do,
I'll give a big party
right here

to make up for all I owe.

That'd be fine, Mr. Gresham.
I'd like to see that.

Yeah. So would I.

So would I.

Jerry?

Could you let me have
just one?

I'd be very grateful.

I'm sorry.

Well, how about
a glass of water?

I've a little time on my hands
and I might...

Just might run into
somebody I know.

Sure thing, Mr. Gresham.

One glass of water,

on the rocks.

Say, what do you know?

Wayne Campbell has a new play.

Wayne Campbell.

But Mr. Barsky,
the sets have to
be ready on the 25th.

Mr. Campbell can hardly
open in New Haven
without them.

Yes, that's right.

All right. Bye.

Mr. Gresham.
How nice to see you.

Nice to see you.

It seems I was talking
to you on the phone
just a minute ago.

You must have
flown over here.

Merely my anxiety
to see you.

Besides, I was
just around the corner.

Is Wayne...
Will he see me?

Oh, please sit down,
Mr. Gresham.

He's been on the phone
ever since you called.

But as soon as he's free,
I'm sure he'll be delighted
to see you.

Well,
I'm counting on that.

But after what happened
on The Brass Penny...

Oh, I'm sure Mr. Campbell
forgot all about that
a long time ago.

Besides, you were ill.

You couldn't possibly
have made that performance.

Nice of you
to put it that way.

It isn't everybody
who understands

that even for the actor,
the show cannot
always go on.

Well, you look
just wonderful now.

Can I get you something,
some coffee or a drink?

No, thank you.

Well, just sit down.
You won't have long to wait.

He's off the phone now.

(DOOR OPENING)

Lee,

these third act changes
will have to wait
until tomorrow morning.

And I'm 15 minutes late
for that cocktail party
already.

But...
Huh?

Oh, you!

Good afternoon, Wayne.
You're looking very sleek.

Yeah, and you're looking
fairly sober for a change.
What's on your mind?

I'd like to speak to you
for a moment in private.

I haven't the time now.

Good night, Lee.
I'll see you first thing
in the morning.

Wayne, let the
cocktail party wait.
I must talk to you.

Mr. Campbell, I'm sure
it'll only take a moment.

(SIGHING)

All right.
Five minutes, no more.

It's very kind of you.

Come on.

(SIGHING)

Well, get to the point.

I want a part
in your new play, Wayne.

You must be kidding.

It's gonna be
a great success.
I'm sure of it.

And I need the job badly.

That's what you said
the last time,

and the time before that.

That's why I hired you,

because you needed
the job so badly.

I always
gave a performance.

You were all right
when you remembered
your lines,

and didn't forget
to show up in time
for curtain. But...

Charles, I wouldn't
touch you again
with a 10-foot pole.

You're a drunk.
Let's face it.

That isn't true.
Not when I'm working,
anyway.

(STAMMERING) It's just that
I don't feel well sometimes.

I get nervous,
and then I forget things.

But I won't let you down
this time, I promise.

I'm sorry, Charlie.
No dice.

I gotta go.
My wife's waiting for me.

Now, Wayne, listen to me.

(STAMMERING)
I'll take anything,
even a walk-on.

It isn't just that
I need the money.

I've got to get back
on a stage again.
Don't you understand that?

I'm dead
when I'm not doing
a job of acting.

You know,

sometimes when
I'm in my room, I...

I go to the mirror, and I...

I look into it,
trying to see who I am,
who the "me" is.

I talk to myself.

And all the characters
I've ever played
pass in front of me.

And I'm every one of them,
but that's all I am.

There's no real me,
only the characters.

Don't you see?

Then I...

Then I go back
and I sit and I wait.

(STAMMERING)
I wait for somebody,
somebody like you, Wayne,

to call me,
to bring me back
to life again.

I'm only real when I'm acting.

The rest of the time
I'm nothing.

That's why I drink.
Don't you see?

You sound a little schizy
to me, boy.

I think what you need
is to see a psychiatrist.

Is that all
you have to suggest?

That's all.

Look, I...
I've really got
to run now, fella.

I'll see you around, huh?

I wouldn't go yet.

Not quite yet.

Oh? Now what?

I suddenly feel reminiscent.

We've known each other
a long time, Wayne.

Even though you're
a lot younger than I am.

We even came from
the same part of
Philadelphia together.

The tough part,
wasn't it, Wayne?
Yeah.

And of course,
we changed our names long ago,

made up much more
suitable stories
about our background.

We had to,
we were ambitious.

Now, you,

you're from
a well-to-do family
from somewhere out west.

Isn't that the story?

And I,

I'm the fourth son
of an impoverished
English earl.

Not that anyone
ever believed that one.

Of course, you've done
so much better than I have.

I like your plays, Wayne.
Yeah.

Hard-punching,
bitter and honest.

Most of the time.

You've become a rich man
because of them.

You even married into
one of the first 50
families of America.

You've really
hit the top, Wayne.

Look, I can read all that
in Who's Who.

Now, come on.
Get out of here. Go on.

Look, I know
how hard it would be
for you to lose all that,

much harder than for me,
because I never had it.

Why would I lose it?

Oh, well,
you don't have to.

But, you see,
I'm getting on in years.

Not that I'll admit
to a day over 50.

I need a little security,
and the parts are getting
fewer and fewer.

And so...

Well, if you're not
gonna hire me for
this new play of yours,

I'm afraid you're
going to have to
take care of me

in some other fashion.

You're not only a drunk,
you're also
a cheap panhandler.

Trying to con me
out of a few bucks, huh?

Not a few bucks, Wayne.

An annuity.

Well, just a small one,
of course, just to keep
body and soul together.

Otherwise, I'm afraid
I'm going to be forced

to tell some of
our more talkative columnists

about that little incident
in Philadelphia.

Do you remember?

When $5,000
was missing from the bank

and traced to
a certain young teller?

Look, I had a chance
to make a quick profit.

I was gonna
put that money back.

Just the same,
they called it
embezzlement.

And you spent
three years in prison.

I don't think you'd
like that to get out.

Blackmail!

Exactly.

(PHONE RINGING)
Why, you cheap, no-good...

Hello!

Hello, hello, Patricia, honey.

(STAMMERING)
Yes, I know I'm late.
I'm leaving right away.

Bye.

You mustn't keep your wife
waiting any longer, Wayne.

She's such a lovely girl.

Here.

Here's 20 bucks for you.

(DOOR OPENING)

(DOOR CLOSING)

GRESHAM:
(SLURRING)
Jerry?

Do you know what I wish?

I wish you were
Shakespeare.

I wish you were
just writing Macbeth.

Beautiful thing, Macbeth.

Listen.

"To-morrow, and to-morrow,
and to-morrow

"Creeps in this petty pace
from day to day

"to the last

"syllable of recorded time

"And all our yesterdays
have lighted fools

"the way to dusty death

"Out, out, brief candle!

"Life's but a walking shadow,

"a poor player

"That struts and frets
his hour upon the stage

"And then is heard no more

"It is a tale
told by an idiot

"full of sound and fury,
signifying nothing"

Hmm? Oh.

Oh, I'm sorry, Jerry.

I got carried away a little.

(CHUCKLING)
Beautiful stuff, though.

Mmm.

Nobody writes
like that anymore.

You know, Jerry,

that's what's the matter
with these modern playwrights.

Most of the time,
they're full of
sound and fury,

signifying nothing.

It's sad, Jerry.
It's very sad.

I tell you, Jerry,
they're all phonies.
All of them.

Pretending to be
something they're not.

You know, there's
a certain playwright
in this town...

Oh, never mind.

I don't know.

(BANGS GLASS)

Fill her up, Jerry.

Fill her up.

Oh! Oh, oh, oh, oh.
Mr. Wayne Campbell.

Let me buy you a drink.
You're entitled to one.

No.
No thanks, Charles.

Look, don't you think
you've had just about
enough for tonight?

Yeah. Why don't you
save this money
for your cab fare home?

Well, that's what
I'm temporarily out of.

A home.

You know, Jerry,
that landlady of mine
has no soul.

GRESHAM: No soul at all.

(GIGGLING)
Don't you worry, though.

Things are looking up for me,
they're really looking up.

Right, Wayne?

I'm the best paying customer
in Orsatti's.

And it's going to go
on and on and on.

"Shine out, fair sun,

"till I have..."

Mmm-hmm.
Take it easy, old boy.

(DOOR CLOSING)

You can sleep here
in my office tonight, huh?

Think we can make you
comfortable enough.

Let's get the jacket off.

All right, down you go.

There.

Hmm.

Nice fellow, Wayne.
Always thought so.

Now I know so.

No, I'm not very nice,
Charles.

I apologize.

It's all right.

Think nothing of it.

No, no, I mean it.

The way I treated you
when you came in
to ask me for a job

was unforgivable.

I practically drove you
into that blackmailing
business.

I don't know
what got into me, Charlie.

Just wanted to
hit back at you, I guess.

Do you...
Do you really mean that?

Yes, I do.

It's been a long time
since I've had to remember
back to the way I began.

I had it all
neatly tucked away
in the back of my mind,

where it wouldn't bother me.

I made a fine new world
where I could be proud
instead of ashamed.

Sometimes, I think it was
nine-tenths willpower

and about one-tenth talent.

But I got
where I wanted to be.

Right where I am now.

You know, Charlie,
there's not
so much difference

between you and me,
after all.

You see, I created
a character for myself.

All these years
I've been playing a part.

Only, in the process,

I left out a couple
of pretty important
ingredients.

Love and mercy.

Mercy.

You're a fine actor, Charles.

I'd consider it an honor
if you'd appear in my play.

Hmm?

(STAMMERING)
Thank you, Wayne.

Thank you.

Oh!

(GRUNTING)

Good morning, Charles.

(GRUNTS)

Slept okay, I hope? Huh?

(GROANS)

Here.

You'll feel better
after you drink this.

I don't exactly know
what I'm doing here,
but thanks.

Ah, it's just a little service
I give all my actors.

Then you really meant it?

Of course I did.

I'd like it to work, Charles.
I really would.

It's funny,
you don't look the part.

(CHUCKLING)
You just don't look it,
and it's funny.

What's funny?

There's such a thing
as makeup.

And a good actor
can do anything.

Yeah, but you don't understand
why it's funny, Charlie.

You see...

Well, there are two parts
that haven't been cast yet.

One is little more
than a walk-on,
three or four speeches.

The other...

Yes?

The other part
is a blackmailer.

(CHUCKLING)
Don't you think
that's funny, Charlie?

Don't be cruel, Wayne.

You know,
if you played that part,

it would be
the cream of the jest,
wouldn't it?

It'd be the first time
a blackmailer
ever earned his money.

It's a good part, too.

It'd pay a lot more than
I've been handing out to you
these past few weeks, but...

But what?

But you just don't
look the part, Charlie.

You're too apologetic.
You're too ashamed of it.

But the blackmailer in my play
is a tough, hardboiled mug.

He has to be.

Well, give me a chance,
Wayne.

Let me read the part.

Oh, what's the use?

Why don't you
just settle for
the smaller part, Charles?

(CHUCKLING) I'm sorry,
but you're just not a heavy.

Oh, please,
let me read it!

Well, all right.

Blackmailer's name
is Richtor.

He runs pretty much
through the whole play,

but there's one scene
I like particularly.

Right here near the end
of the first act.

I think it's his best scene.

Except, of course,
for the end, when
he gets killed onstage.

That's pretty much
an actor's dream, isn't it?

Well...

Let me read it
to myself first,
just to get the sense of it.

All right.

"Listen, pal.

"You can't shove me off.
I know too much.

"Maybe I can't
prove it myself,
but the police can,

"once I tell them
where to look.

"Walter Donovan.

"Does that name
mean anything to you?

"Or the date? September 1?

"Or the spot 100 yards
off the road to Bridgeport,

"halfway between
Stanford and there?

"Do you think you can..."
That's enough!

Charlie, that's great.

That's just great.

I don't know
how to thank you.

In only one way.

Lay off the booze.

I swear it, Wayne.
Huh?

Now that I'm working,
I won't go near the stuff.

Oh, that's fine.

But you're not exactly
a working actor yet.

Oh, I want you for the part,
I think you'd be fine.

Only, I'm just the author.
You know the setup.

There's still the director
and the producer to convince.

Hmm. But I can play
the part, I know I can.

Whom should I see first?

Well, Pete Wiley is
just about set to direct.

But we're still fighting
over terms.

It might look
like a concession
if I sent you to see him.

But...

Or you could
go see Nick Roper,

he's putting up
most of the money.

He'll have a say
in the casting.

Nick Roper?
Mmm-hmm.

That big-time gambler?

And ex-racketeer,
and a few other things
even more unsavory.

What's he doing
backing a play?

He decided to take
a gamble on culture,
I guess.

He can afford it.

I wouldn't say that
backing one of your plays
was much of a gamble.

Still, the theatre
breeds strange bedfellows.

I'll go round and see him
if you think it'll help me
get the part.

I'm sure it will, Charles.

Here. Here's 20 bucks.

Get yourself a shave
and a clean shirt, huh?

Your suit looks all right,

but maybe you ought
to have it pressed.

Then you come back here.

I'll give you the scene
and you can study it.

But I'm warning you,

that 20 bucks
isn't just another handout.

I'm going to see
that it's deducted
from your first week's salary,

if you get the part,
that is.

Oh, don't you worry
about that.
I'll get the part.

I'll have that speech
memorized in no time.

And Mr. Roper will see
a real performance.

"Speak the speech,
I pray you

"as you have pronounced it,
trippingly on the tongue

"But if you mouth it,
as many of your players do

"I would as lief
the town-crier
spoke me lines"

See, I can recite
that Shakespeare, too!

Yes.
We won't mention how.

(LAUGHING)

(RECITING)

You knew that speech
by heart two hours ago.

What are you
so worried about?

I'm not sure of myself,
that's the trouble.

Just when I think I've got it,
it's gone again.

Well, don't you worry.
It'll come back.

When you get there,
wait and see,
it'll just pour out.

Maybe if I had a drink,

just one,
just to strengthen...

No.

No, one would
only lead to another.

Here, give me that script.

I'll type the speech
out for you.

Then you can take it with you.

Just to be on the safe side.

(INTERCOM BUZZING)

Uh-oh.

My master's voice.

Well, never mind.

I can do
the hunt-and-peck system.
I'll pick it out myself.

Go on.

PETE: Wait a minute, pal.
I told you,
you can't go in here.

I want to see him.
I want to see him now.

I'm sorry, Mr. Roper.
I tried to stop him.

ROPER: Well, it's all right,
Pete. What can I do for you,
Mister....

Doing real well for yourself
these days, Mr. Roper.

This club,

that Broadway play
you're backing.

Takes a lot of cabbage
to indulge yourself that way.

You been checking
my bank balance?

These things get around.

Who are you?

Richtor's the name.
Charlie Richtor.

Richtor?

Listen, pal,
you can't shove me off.

I know too much.

Maybe I can't
prove it myself,
but the police can,

once I tell them
where to look.

Walter Donovan.

Does that name
mean anything to you?

And the date, September 1,

and the spot, 100 yards
off the road to Bridgeport,

halfway between
Stanford and there?

That's enough!

So...

I really sold you, Mr. Roper,
didn't I?

You really believed me.

Well, now, listen.

(STAMMERING) Listen,
I'm an actor, it's true.

I'm actor, I mean, I mean...

Listen...

"To be, or not to be:
that is the question

"Whether 'tis nobler
in the mind to suffer

"to suffer
the slings and arrows
of outrageous fortune"

(GUN FIRING)

"Soft you now!

"The fair Ophelia!

"Nymph, in thy orisons

"Be all my sins remember'd"

Is the car in front
of the servants' entrance?

Yeah, Chief.
What happened?

He knew all about
the Donovan job.

I'd like to find out
where he got the details.

Get him out of here.

"From the office
of Wayne Campbell.

"Listen, pal,
you can't shove me off.
I know too much.

"Wayne Campbell."

Well, there's no use
taking that book home with us.

Now that we've finished it.

By the way,

in case you are interested,

the police learned
of Wayne Campbell's connection
with tonight's crime...

I can't understand
why this coat
doesn't seem to fit.

I just bought it.

There seems to be
a message stitched inside.

"Occupancy by
more than one person,
contrary to law."

Well, no wonder.

Next time, we shall return
with another story.

Join us then.