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1
00:00:03,087 --> 00:00:06,089
(SlNGlNG) The Simpsons
2
00:00:06,507 --> 00:00:07,507
(TlRES SCREECHlNG)
3
00:00:09,510 --> 00:00:10,510
D'oh !
4
00:00:10,844 --> 00:00:12,762
(SCREAMlNG)
(TlRES SCREECHlNG)
5
00:00:15,307 --> 00:00:16,307
(DlNGS)
6
00:00:31,490 --> 00:00:34,283
l have to research a paper.
Where did all the books go?
7
00:00:34,451 --> 00:00:36,786
Books? Books are
for squares.
8
00:00:36,912 --> 00:00:39,038
We're now a multimedia
learning center
9
00:00:39,123 --> 00:00:41,249
for children of all ages. . .
10
00:00:41,333 --> 00:00:42,959
But mostly bums.
11
00:00:43,877 --> 00:00:44,877
(SNORlNG)
12
00:00:46,505 --> 00:00:48,172
BART: Ay, caramba!
13
00:00:48,257 --> 00:00:49,882
Huh? What?
14
00:00:50,426 --> 00:00:51,759
(LlSA READlNG)
15
00:00:55,431 --> 00:00:57,557
There are hardly
any books at all.
16
00:00:57,641 --> 00:00:59,183
No books?
17
00:00:59,268 --> 00:01:01,853
But Krabappel wants
a paper on Henry Vlll.
18
00:01:01,937 --> 00:01:05,398
And l have to score
at least a pumpkin sticker
or better on it.
19
00:01:05,482 --> 00:01:09,068
Aw. There, there.
l can help you kids.
20
00:01:09,153 --> 00:01:10,153
(ALL GASPlNG)
21
00:01:10,320 --> 00:01:12,613
l know a little
something about history.
22
00:01:12,698 --> 00:01:14,449
Gather round.
23
00:01:14,533 --> 00:01:16,951
Henry Vlll had
everything he could want,
24
00:01:17,035 --> 00:01:20,204
except a son to follow
in his footsteps.
25
00:01:20,748 --> 00:01:22,290
(FANFARE PLAYlNG)
26
00:01:22,833 --> 00:01:25,126
(SlNGlNG)
I'm Henry the Eighth, I am
27
00:01:25,669 --> 00:01:28,296
Henry the Eighth,
l am, l am
28
00:01:28,380 --> 00:01:31,090
I've been eating
since 6:00 a.m.
29
00:01:31,175 --> 00:01:33,426
For dessert
I'II have dinner again
30
00:01:33,510 --> 00:01:35,803
My name's
synonymous with gIuttony
31
00:01:36,180 --> 00:01:37,972
I'II aIways eat
a turkey or a ham
32
00:01:38,056 --> 00:01:40,016
Stop singing that song !
33
00:01:40,100 --> 00:01:41,350
We all know who you are!
34
00:01:43,729 --> 00:01:47,315
Her Majesty,
Margarine of Aragon !
35
00:01:47,399 --> 00:01:48,649
What are you
doing out of bed?
36
00:01:48,734 --> 00:01:50,860
l just planted my seed
in your womanly dirt.
37
00:01:51,153 --> 00:01:53,696
Your Majesty,
l know you want a son.
38
00:01:53,781 --> 00:01:57,116
But must we discuss my womb
in front of the entire court?
39
00:01:57,451 --> 00:01:58,451
(ALL LAUGHlNG)
40
00:01:58,535 --> 00:02:01,454
As royal physician,
it is my learned opinion
41
00:02:01,538 --> 00:02:04,707
that her womb is
filled with sea serpents.
42
00:02:05,334 --> 00:02:06,334
(GROANS)
43
00:02:06,877 --> 00:02:08,544
(MUTTERlNG)
44
00:02:08,629 --> 00:02:13,216
Must sire a dude.
Must sire a dude.
45
00:02:13,926 --> 00:02:16,010
Father dearest,
l am the son you crave.
46
00:02:16,094 --> 00:02:18,638
l'm smart, athletic
and ever so masculine.
47
00:02:18,722 --> 00:02:20,807
Could a girl belch
like this? (BELCHES)
48
00:02:20,891 --> 00:02:21,933
Oh !
49
00:02:22,017 --> 00:02:25,144
My beautiful boy!
Why can't l have you?
50
00:02:25,229 --> 00:02:27,480
l don't know.
Too much jerkin'
your merkin?
51
00:02:27,564 --> 00:02:32,276
Why you little. . .
Get out of my dreams
and into my wife!
52
00:02:32,611 --> 00:02:35,112
l could've married
the King of France.
53
00:02:35,197 --> 00:02:38,199
He wasn't so preoccupied
with procreation.
54
00:02:38,283 --> 00:02:40,326
Ting-a-ling-a-ling.
Know what l mean?
55
00:02:41,078 --> 00:02:45,540
Oh, look at me.
l eat and eat and eat,
and l never get any thinner.
56
00:02:45,624 --> 00:02:47,625
Well, there's more
of you to worship, O Sire.
57
00:02:47,793 --> 00:02:50,378
Who would dare
to flatter a king?
58
00:02:50,587 --> 00:02:53,005
Anne Boleyn,
loyal subject, big fan.
59
00:02:54,174 --> 00:02:55,675
Modern Wench
magazine dubbed me
60
00:02:55,759 --> 00:02:57,260
"Anne of
the child-bearing hips."
61
00:02:57,803 --> 00:03:00,596
Yes. Wide hips indeed.
62
00:03:00,681 --> 00:03:02,515
My son could cartwheel out.
Yoink!
63
00:03:02,599 --> 00:03:03,683
Hey! Where are
you taking me?
64
00:03:03,767 --> 00:03:04,767
Marriage counseling.
65
00:03:05,185 --> 00:03:06,185
(MOANS)
66
00:03:07,437 --> 00:03:08,437
Mmm.
67
00:03:09,147 --> 00:03:11,774
We came here to talk
about our problems.
68
00:03:12,025 --> 00:03:14,485
Fine! l want to
marry Anne Boleyn.
69
00:03:14,653 --> 00:03:16,863
But l can't chop
my wife's head off
70
00:03:16,947 --> 00:03:19,115
because her father
is the King of Spain !
71
00:03:19,199 --> 00:03:21,242
Your Majesty,
your feelings are valid,
72
00:03:21,326 --> 00:03:23,661
but l'm afraid marriage
takes a lot of hard work.
73
00:03:24,621 --> 00:03:25,872
And who needs that?
74
00:03:25,956 --> 00:03:27,582
l say trade in that
lemon and get busy!
75
00:03:27,666 --> 00:03:28,666
Woo-hoo!
76
00:03:28,750 --> 00:03:32,253
Divorce? Sire,
there's no such thing in the
Cath-diddly-atholic Church.
77
00:03:32,629 --> 00:03:35,047
But it's the only
church we've got,
so what are you gonna do?
78
00:03:35,132 --> 00:03:36,382
l'll start my own church.
79
00:03:36,466 --> 00:03:37,550
What?
80
00:03:37,634 --> 00:03:40,845
Yes, my own church.
Where divorce will be
so easy,
81
00:03:40,929 --> 00:03:43,514
more than half of marriages
will end in it.
82
00:03:43,891 --> 00:03:45,725
Your Majesty,
l work for the Pope,
83
00:03:45,809 --> 00:03:47,351
and l think
a celibate ltalian weirdo
84
00:03:47,436 --> 00:03:48,895
knows a lot more
about marriage than you.
85
00:03:49,104 --> 00:03:50,646
Mmm, l understand.
86
00:03:51,148 --> 00:03:54,817
And because you
stuck to your principles,
l'm going to canonize you.
87
00:03:57,988 --> 00:03:59,322
l can see my house!
88
00:03:59,698 --> 00:04:04,201
Sweetie, sometimes
a daddy and a mommy
decide to live apart.
89
00:04:04,286 --> 00:04:05,703
lt's not your fault.
90
00:04:05,787 --> 00:04:08,915
lt's just that
you came out the wrong sex
and ruined everything.
91
00:04:08,999 --> 00:04:10,791
So grow a penis or get lost.
92
00:04:12,210 --> 00:04:13,753
(STRAlNlNG)
93
00:04:17,758 --> 00:04:19,550
l can't.
Buh-bye.
94
00:04:19,718 --> 00:04:21,385
Well, why can't
your heir be female?
95
00:04:21,470 --> 00:04:23,471
Or why can't
we elect our leaders?
96
00:04:23,555 --> 00:04:25,348
l wonder if l could
canonize a child?
97
00:04:25,432 --> 00:04:26,474
Leaving !
98
00:04:28,352 --> 00:04:31,604
Hey, l invented divorce!
How did you get
half of everything?
99
00:04:31,688 --> 00:04:33,230
You should've
invented the pre-nup.
100
00:04:33,315 --> 00:04:34,815
And now half of
your kingdom, please.
101
00:04:37,402 --> 00:04:38,527
l get lreland?
102
00:04:38,654 --> 00:04:39,737
(LAUGHS)
103
00:04:39,947 --> 00:04:43,783
And by the power vested in me
by you just now,
104
00:04:43,867 --> 00:04:46,327
l pronounce you
king and trophy queen.
105
00:04:46,870 --> 00:04:50,373
ln the name
of the Henry, the Hank,
and the holy Harry. . .
106
00:04:50,624 --> 00:04:52,875
Amen. Henry.
107
00:04:54,711 --> 00:04:57,838
Okay. Now let's put
a son in the oven.
108
00:05:01,551 --> 00:05:03,094
Oh, Henry!
109
00:05:04,680 --> 00:05:07,223
Henry, sorry l bore you
a daughter.
110
00:05:07,391 --> 00:05:12,395
(CHUCKLES) Stop.
Anne, l love her
as much as l love you.
111
00:05:12,854 --> 00:05:14,021
(DRUM ROLL)
112
00:05:14,815 --> 00:05:16,816
Your head lives for
five seconds afterwards
113
00:05:16,900 --> 00:05:18,818
so l left a magazine
in the basket.
114
00:05:21,154 --> 00:05:22,655
Oh, my horoscope!
115
00:05:22,906 --> 00:05:26,200
"Today will bring
welcome new changes
into your life." Wrong !
116
00:05:26,618 --> 00:05:30,413
Sir Scratchy,
l accuse you of conducting
a Catholic mass!
117
00:05:30,497 --> 00:05:34,083
Lord ltchy,
l accuse you of not signing
the Act of Succession.
118
00:05:34,584 --> 00:05:35,793
(GRUNTlNG)
119
00:05:37,921 --> 00:05:38,963
(MOANS)
120
00:05:39,047 --> 00:05:41,549
lf only l had a son
to enjoy this with.
121
00:05:43,885 --> 00:05:47,430
Hey, baby.
How would you like
to be queen for a day?
122
00:05:48,306 --> 00:05:51,142
(LAUGHS) lt's funny,
'cause you're king.
123
00:05:51,935 --> 00:05:53,894
Do you, Jane Seymour,
124
00:05:53,979 --> 00:05:56,522
take this king to be
your lawfully wedded husband
125
00:05:56,940 --> 00:05:58,274
till your first
little spat?
126
00:05:58,567 --> 00:06:03,279
l do! l double do!
Henry is the ginchiest!
127
00:06:04,614 --> 00:06:06,741
The Lord is my. . .
128
00:06:06,867 --> 00:06:08,492
l told you l was a dude!
129
00:06:09,369 --> 00:06:10,953
You didn't dump me.
l dumped you. . .
130
00:06:13,123 --> 00:06:15,374
(SCOFFS) Why on earth
did l marry you?
131
00:06:15,459 --> 00:06:18,461
My track record !
l've had 1 0 sons.
132
00:06:18,545 --> 00:06:20,796
Now take a ride
on the kingmaker!
133
00:06:20,964 --> 00:06:21,964
(SHUDDERS)
134
00:06:24,259 --> 00:06:25,301
Swing and a miss!
135
00:06:25,927 --> 00:06:27,511
Come on ! l'm 95.
136
00:06:27,596 --> 00:06:29,638
You could use
a butter knife,
for God's sake.
137
00:06:31,308 --> 00:06:33,059
Don't just stand there.
Bury me.
138
00:06:33,810 --> 00:06:37,772
Sire, l know
what you usually do
to the bearer of bad news,
139
00:06:37,856 --> 00:06:40,232
but, well,
we're running out of pikes
140
00:06:40,317 --> 00:06:41,650
to stick your
wives' heads onto.
141
00:06:42,027 --> 00:06:43,819
l'll show you
running out of pikes!
142
00:06:46,907 --> 00:06:48,908
Hey, what do you know?
You were right.
143
00:06:48,992 --> 00:06:49,992
That means a lot.
144
00:06:50,494 --> 00:06:53,829
My whole life,
l was looking
for that one woman
145
00:06:53,914 --> 00:06:56,582
whose execution
could bring me happiness.
146
00:06:57,000 --> 00:07:02,171
Now l realize l was
just beheading myself
for divorcing you.
147
00:07:02,339 --> 00:07:04,423
And locking me
in a dungeon.
148
00:07:04,508 --> 00:07:05,508
(LAUGHS)
149
00:07:05,842 --> 00:07:06,842
(COUGHS)
150
00:07:07,010 --> 00:07:10,679
Listen to us.
We still finish
each other's sentences.
151
00:07:11,181 --> 00:07:15,559
Margarine, won't you
take back an old
head-chopping fool?
152
00:07:15,811 --> 00:07:19,939
Of course, Your Majesty.
Let me just fluff
your pillow for you.
153
00:07:20,774 --> 00:07:21,774
(GASPlNG)
154
00:07:24,694 --> 00:07:26,862
See ya in hell, fat man !
155
00:07:27,572 --> 00:07:31,325
Finally,
Henry's daughter Elizabeth
became queen.
156
00:07:31,701 --> 00:07:33,994
England's power
was never greater.
157
00:07:34,079 --> 00:07:36,288
And British actresses
always had a role to play
158
00:07:36,373 --> 00:07:38,165
when they got
to a certain age.
159
00:07:38,250 --> 00:07:40,209
That was awesome, Mrs. S.
160
00:07:40,293 --> 00:07:43,712
Check plus-plus, here l come!
(GlGGLlNG EXClTEDLY)
161
00:07:43,797 --> 00:07:44,797
(GRUNTS)
162
00:07:45,715 --> 00:07:49,468
Wow. The library
really is a great resource!
163
00:07:50,011 --> 00:07:53,889
And l just came
in here to trip nerds
for nothin'. Ha-ha!
164
00:07:58,937 --> 00:08:01,230
Mom, l can't find
anything on Sacagawea.
165
00:08:01,314 --> 00:08:03,774
Just a couple of
books on Ron Santo.
166
00:08:04,067 --> 00:08:05,234
No problem.
167
00:08:05,318 --> 00:08:08,195
ln elementary school,
we girls learned
about Sacagawea
168
00:08:08,280 --> 00:08:09,905
while the boys
were learning math.
169
00:08:11,116 --> 00:08:12,116
Okay.
170
00:08:13,160 --> 00:08:15,119
All right! Toilet paper!
171
00:08:17,080 --> 00:08:20,499
ln 1 804, President Jefferson
sent Lewis and Clark
172
00:08:20,584 --> 00:08:24,420
and some
embedded journaIists to
find the Northwest Passage.
173
00:08:25,297 --> 00:08:28,007
They paddIed up
the Mississippi
from St. Louis.
174
00:08:28,758 --> 00:08:32,428
When winter came,
Lewis and Clark
tried to set up camp,
175
00:08:32,554 --> 00:08:34,346
but encountered
much hardship.
176
00:08:34,723 --> 00:08:35,931
(STRAlNlNG)
177
00:08:36,892 --> 00:08:40,102
Come spring, they sought help
from Native Americans.
178
00:08:40,187 --> 00:08:42,688
Long have we awaited
the coming of
the white man. . .
179
00:08:43,356 --> 00:08:44,356
And Carl.
180
00:08:44,608 --> 00:08:47,109
Thanks. And welcome to
the United States of America.
181
00:08:47,194 --> 00:08:48,194
Have a flag.
182
00:08:48,278 --> 00:08:49,945
And while you're at it,
cover your nakedness
183
00:08:50,071 --> 00:08:51,113
and worship our Lord.
184
00:08:51,239 --> 00:08:52,323
Yeah, yeah.
l'll get right on it.
185
00:08:52,449 --> 00:08:55,451
Now, in order
to aid your journey
across the land
186
00:08:55,744 --> 00:08:59,205
l offer you the guidance
of my daughter, Sacagawea.
187
00:08:59,456 --> 00:09:03,459
ln our language,
her name means
"little know-it-all
188
00:09:03,585 --> 00:09:05,502
"who won't shut
her maize hole."
189
00:09:05,712 --> 00:09:07,463
l will be happy to
help the Americans.
190
00:09:07,923 --> 00:09:10,674
Of course, l will be sad
to leave my husband,
191
00:09:10,759 --> 00:09:12,676
the French fur trader,
Charbonneau.
192
00:09:12,844 --> 00:09:14,386
l will come with you.
193
00:09:14,471 --> 00:09:19,058
Because by myself,
the darkness,
she scares me.
194
00:09:19,142 --> 00:09:21,310
l don't know why
l ever sold you to him.
195
00:09:22,687 --> 00:09:24,230
Okay, those berries
are poison.
196
00:09:24,314 --> 00:09:25,564
Those leaves are poison oak.
197
00:09:25,649 --> 00:09:27,858
And your belt is a snake,
also poisonous.
198
00:09:28,443 --> 00:09:30,986
l'll tell you
what's poisonous,
your attitude.
199
00:09:32,197 --> 00:09:35,616
You know these. . .
(GROANlNG) l'm dying !
200
00:09:35,909 --> 00:09:37,952
But at least people
will always remember
201
00:09:38,036 --> 00:09:40,079
the expedition
of Lewis and Clark
202
00:09:40,163 --> 00:09:41,288
and Tweedleburger. . .
203
00:09:44,292 --> 00:09:46,794
Also, if you're confronted
by a mountain lion,
204
00:09:46,878 --> 00:09:49,088
try to make yourself look
as big as possible.
205
00:09:49,381 --> 00:09:51,840
And when you get a chance,
bury your friend.
206
00:09:52,509 --> 00:09:54,802
Hey, we're still mourning.
Let's get a drink.
207
00:09:55,470 --> 00:09:57,596
All right, customers!
And they said
208
00:09:57,681 --> 00:09:59,807
you couldn't open
a bar in Kansas.
209
00:10:00,475 --> 00:10:02,017
Hey. . . Hey!
210
00:10:03,520 --> 00:10:06,188
Well, nothing can
crush the frontier spirit.
211
00:10:09,192 --> 00:10:11,235
That'll do it. (GROANS)
212
00:10:12,028 --> 00:10:13,946
LEWlS:
At last the Pacific Ocean.
213
00:10:14,030 --> 00:10:15,114
SACAGAWEA:
That's a mud puddle.
214
00:10:15,198 --> 00:10:17,866
Some of us find solutions
instead of just
pointing out problems.
215
00:10:18,034 --> 00:10:19,952
How did you two ever
get to be explorers?
216
00:10:20,036 --> 00:10:21,578
We got the job
because we own a compass.
217
00:10:21,663 --> 00:10:23,539
Turns out the needle
was just painted on.
218
00:10:25,458 --> 00:10:29,169
lt's been two years,
so our brave explorers
should be right about here.
219
00:10:31,381 --> 00:10:32,715
You morons!
220
00:10:36,177 --> 00:10:37,177
(ALL GASP)
221
00:10:39,806 --> 00:10:40,806
(GUNS COCKlNG)
222
00:10:41,683 --> 00:10:42,808
(BOWS COCKlNG)
223
00:10:43,310 --> 00:10:44,685
Wait! That's my brother!
224
00:10:45,729 --> 00:10:47,521
Don't kill them !
They're my friends!
225
00:10:47,605 --> 00:10:50,566
Oh, come on.
Can't we at least
have one pity scalp?
226
00:10:50,900 --> 00:10:52,693
Ah ! My brother-in-law.
227
00:10:52,902 --> 00:10:55,487
l haven't seen you
since l killed
all your buffalo.
228
00:10:55,613 --> 00:10:58,407
Water under
the bridge, eh? Eh?
229
00:10:58,742 --> 00:11:00,367
Don't forget the eyebrows.
230
00:11:03,496 --> 00:11:04,913
CLARK:
Wow, the Columbia River!
231
00:11:04,998 --> 00:11:07,791
Now we just ride this baby
down to the Pacific
232
00:11:07,876 --> 00:11:10,377
and get us some
sweet mermaid sex.
233
00:11:10,795 --> 00:11:14,256
For the last time,
those are salmon !
234
00:11:14,341 --> 00:11:17,176
How do you like that?
Sacagawea has an opinion.
235
00:11:17,302 --> 00:11:18,302
Big surprise.
236
00:11:18,553 --> 00:11:19,970
You know,
you could be a little more
237
00:11:20,055 --> 00:11:21,430
grateful to us
for civilizing you.
238
00:11:21,973 --> 00:11:22,973
(BLOWS NOSE)
239
00:11:23,975 --> 00:11:27,144
l am the only
reason you guys made it
this far alive!
240
00:11:27,437 --> 00:11:29,146
From now on,
you're on your own !
241
00:11:29,606 --> 00:11:32,024
Stupid things
with their compasses
painted on.
242
00:11:32,108 --> 00:11:34,109
She'll be back.
She forgot her husband.
243
00:11:35,111 --> 00:11:37,029
lngrates,
after all l did for them.
244
00:11:37,113 --> 00:11:40,616
Oh, warm, wooly rock,
you're my only friend.
245
00:11:41,284 --> 00:11:42,284
(ROARS)
246
00:11:42,577 --> 00:11:43,577
(EXCLAlMS)
247
00:11:44,621 --> 00:11:45,621
(ROARlNG)
248
00:11:46,373 --> 00:11:48,457
We're big ! We're big !
249
00:11:48,625 --> 00:11:50,292
Which you mountain
lions find terrifying !
250
00:11:50,668 --> 00:11:51,668
(MEOWS lN FRlGHT)
251
00:11:52,754 --> 00:11:54,797
(GASPS) They remembered
what l taught them !
252
00:11:55,048 --> 00:11:58,801
Of course we did.
We'll never
forget you, Pocahontas.
253
00:11:59,094 --> 00:12:00,427
Sacagawea.
254
00:12:00,553 --> 00:12:01,720
Gesundheit.
255
00:12:01,805 --> 00:12:02,888
(GASPS) Look!
256
00:12:03,139 --> 00:12:04,890
The Pacific Ocean !
257
00:12:05,016 --> 00:12:08,727
We made it! We discovered
the magnificent
Pacific Northwest.
258
00:12:09,187 --> 00:12:10,187
(THUNDER RUMBLES)
259
00:12:11,815 --> 00:12:15,526
l say we give this
lovely land a name
worthy of its beauty.
260
00:12:15,860 --> 00:12:17,861
Eugene, Oregon !
261
00:12:18,238 --> 00:12:19,947
And we owe it all to you.
262
00:12:20,156 --> 00:12:23,450
You're gonna get
the greatest honor
this country can bestow.
263
00:12:23,660 --> 00:12:27,579
And today, Lewis' promise
has been fulfilled.
264
00:12:29,457 --> 00:12:30,499
What is that? A quarter?
265
00:12:30,708 --> 00:12:32,292
A Chuck E. Cheese token?
266
00:12:32,377 --> 00:12:35,129
No! lt's a Sacagawea dollar.
267
00:12:35,255 --> 00:12:38,632
You can trade
it in at the bank
for a real dollar! Huh?
268
00:12:41,636 --> 00:12:44,513
Bart, what famous
historical figure do you
want to write about?
269
00:12:44,597 --> 00:12:46,098
l don't know. The boogeyman?
270
00:12:46,266 --> 00:12:48,475
Come on, Bart.
We can make this fun.
271
00:12:48,685 --> 00:12:50,561
History's like
an amusement park,
272
00:12:50,645 --> 00:12:53,730
except instead of rides,
you have dates to memorize.
273
00:12:53,857 --> 00:12:55,858
Mom, everyone who
ever lived is boring.
274
00:12:55,942 --> 00:13:00,112
Boring?
ls there anything boring
about a bad-ass rocker
275
00:13:00,196 --> 00:13:02,072
who lived fast
and died young?
276
00:13:02,240 --> 00:13:04,533
l know there's a catch,
but tell me more.
277
00:13:04,659 --> 00:13:07,703
As a young prodigy,
this popular musician
278
00:13:07,787 --> 00:13:10,581
wowed audiences
across 1 8th century Europe.
279
00:13:10,874 --> 00:13:15,127
And now
the star of our show,
my son, Mozart!
280
00:13:15,378 --> 00:13:18,839
He makes Bach turn back.
Haydn go into hidin',
281
00:13:19,299 --> 00:13:21,717
and, well,
those are the only ones
there have been so far.
282
00:13:22,051 --> 00:13:23,051
(CHEERlNG)
283
00:13:24,679 --> 00:13:28,932
Hello, Vienna!
Are there any aficionados
in the house?
284
00:13:29,017 --> 00:13:30,350
Yeah !
285
00:13:30,435 --> 00:13:32,978
Sonata in A,
K331 , Third Movement!
286
00:13:33,188 --> 00:13:35,898
l can't hear you !
287
00:13:36,149 --> 00:13:39,902
Sonata in A,
K331 , Third Movement!
288
00:13:40,570 --> 00:13:42,571
(PLAYING TURKISH RONDO)
289
00:13:47,952 --> 00:13:48,952
(SQUEALlNG)
290
00:14:02,967 --> 00:14:06,136
Great show, Son,
but you forgot to push
the merchandize.
291
00:14:06,513 --> 00:14:07,513
Huh? Huh?
292
00:14:07,764 --> 00:14:09,723
Papa, let me be
the headliner.
293
00:14:09,807 --> 00:14:13,435
l always show up on time
and l close the piano lid
ever so softly.
294
00:14:13,603 --> 00:14:15,604
Oh, little Salieri,
295
00:14:15,688 --> 00:14:17,356
why don't you go play
with the other three
296
00:14:17,440 --> 00:14:19,107
untalented members
of our family?
297
00:14:19,400 --> 00:14:21,818
Tito, Randy, and Jermaine.
298
00:14:21,945 --> 00:14:23,445
(SOUL MUSlC PLAYlNG)
299
00:14:26,282 --> 00:14:28,700
Sally, no one
practices as hard as you.
300
00:14:28,785 --> 00:14:31,912
But it's your
brother who keeps us
in lead-based face powder.
301
00:14:33,289 --> 00:14:34,456
(SWOONlNG)
302
00:14:35,708 --> 00:14:37,292
(MOANS lN DELlGHT)
303
00:14:38,211 --> 00:14:39,795
(HARPSlCHORD PLAYlNG)
304
00:14:46,052 --> 00:14:47,844
Ew! A plague rat!
305
00:14:47,971 --> 00:14:48,971
(LAUGHlNG)
306
00:14:50,390 --> 00:14:51,807
Don't you have
music to write?
307
00:14:51,891 --> 00:14:52,975
l'm doing it right now.
308
00:14:53,893 --> 00:14:57,062
l call this
my "Symphony in Gee,
My Sister Sucks."
309
00:14:57,146 --> 00:14:58,146
(GROWLS)
310
00:14:58,523 --> 00:14:59,523
(CHUCKLES)
311
00:15:00,149 --> 00:15:03,235
O Lord, why did you give such
transcendent talent
312
00:15:03,319 --> 00:15:05,195
to such an undeserving fool?
313
00:15:05,280 --> 00:15:07,322
Because you are ugly!
314
00:15:11,452 --> 00:15:13,996
What is it about
music that enchants us?
315
00:15:14,831 --> 00:15:15,872
The notes.
316
00:15:17,500 --> 00:15:20,377
Our next award is sponsored
by Heinrich's Bratwurst.
317
00:15:20,753 --> 00:15:24,256
"Papa, can we have
a Heinrich's Bratwurst?"
318
00:15:25,133 --> 00:15:27,801
For outstanding composer
age 1 0 and under,
319
00:15:28,052 --> 00:15:29,094
the winner is. . .
320
00:15:29,387 --> 00:15:30,429
Please let me win.
321
00:15:30,513 --> 00:15:31,513
. . .Mozart.
322
00:15:31,723 --> 00:15:32,931
(CHEERlNG)
323
00:15:38,062 --> 00:15:39,896
(SCOFFS) l can't stand it.
324
00:15:39,981 --> 00:15:41,273
Thank you. Thank you.
325
00:15:41,357 --> 00:15:45,611
l want to see
you all next week
at my concert in Krakow!
326
00:15:45,903 --> 00:15:47,237
(ALL LAUGHlNG)
327
00:15:54,078 --> 00:15:57,873
Wow, it's sold out.
Mincing room only.
328
00:15:58,166 --> 00:15:59,708
(GlGGLlNG)
329
00:16:01,836 --> 00:16:03,420
l hope they like the opera.
330
00:16:03,504 --> 00:16:07,382
Oh, they're like sheep.
As the emperor goes,
so do they.
331
00:16:10,053 --> 00:16:11,637
(CHUCKLES SMUGLY)
332
00:16:12,138 --> 00:16:14,640
Wine here! Get your wine!
333
00:16:14,766 --> 00:16:19,019
Claret, Port, Riesling !
Emperors drink free.
334
00:16:19,103 --> 00:16:20,187
l'm an emperor!
335
00:16:21,064 --> 00:16:22,064
(BUBBLES AND SlZZLES)
336
00:16:23,983 --> 00:16:25,067
Nachti-Nacht.
337
00:16:26,277 --> 00:16:27,361
(CACKLES)
338
00:16:38,373 --> 00:16:41,792
(SlNGlNG) Beans, oh, beans,
deIicious in your mouth
339
00:16:42,001 --> 00:16:45,295
But watch out
When beans come out
down south
340
00:16:45,505 --> 00:16:50,008
Tooting,
some caII it pooting
It's air-poIIuting
341
00:16:50,093 --> 00:16:52,260
The gas comes
shooting right from your
342
00:16:52,345 --> 00:16:55,639
butt, butt, butt,
butt, butt, butt, butt,
butt, butt, butt
343
00:16:55,973 --> 00:16:59,518
Ooh ! This makes me
want to fop till l drop.
344
00:16:59,602 --> 00:17:01,186
(MOANlNG)
345
00:17:01,270 --> 00:17:02,813
l say. . .
346
00:17:06,025 --> 00:17:07,025
(YAWNlNG)
347
00:17:08,111 --> 00:17:09,319
(SNORlNG)
348
00:17:11,447 --> 00:17:13,323
The emperor finds it boring.
349
00:17:13,408 --> 00:17:15,575
Then so do we.
350
00:17:16,160 --> 00:17:17,160
(TlTTERlNG)
351
00:17:18,204 --> 00:17:19,204
(SNORlNG)
352
00:17:19,664 --> 00:17:20,706
(GASPS)
353
00:17:20,790 --> 00:17:22,207
People bored with opera?
354
00:17:22,291 --> 00:17:23,542
That's impossible!
355
00:17:23,668 --> 00:17:24,668
(CACKLES)
356
00:17:24,794 --> 00:17:26,336
To failure, dear brother.
357
00:17:27,797 --> 00:17:28,880
Oops.
358
00:17:28,965 --> 00:17:29,965
(SNORlNG)
359
00:17:33,886 --> 00:17:35,137
(REQUIEM PLAYING)
360
00:17:42,228 --> 00:17:44,312
(COUGHlNG)
361
00:17:45,273 --> 00:17:46,273
(MUSlC STOPS)
362
00:17:46,566 --> 00:17:49,276
Oh, Mozart,
l know you are gravely ill.
363
00:17:49,485 --> 00:17:53,321
So l brought you
the very finest doctor
in all of Austria.
364
00:17:53,614 --> 00:17:55,490
Guten Tag, everybody.
365
00:17:55,575 --> 00:17:57,409
Guten Tag, Dr. Nick.
366
00:17:57,618 --> 00:18:00,495
l can tell from here
you have too much blood.
367
00:18:00,830 --> 00:18:02,831
Let's get you
covered in leeches.
368
00:18:07,253 --> 00:18:09,838
Don't be shy.
Eat the little boy.
369
00:18:10,131 --> 00:18:13,800
Now, in the morning,
you'll be good as new
or dead !
370
00:18:14,010 --> 00:18:16,511
But the important thing
is we'll know.
371
00:18:18,055 --> 00:18:19,347
(REQUIEM PLAYING)
372
00:18:21,642 --> 00:18:22,642
(SOBBlNG)
373
00:18:23,436 --> 00:18:25,479
Mozart, you can't die.
(MUSlC STOPS)
374
00:18:25,813 --> 00:18:27,773
l don't want to
live in a world
375
00:18:27,857 --> 00:18:29,733
without the income
you produce.
376
00:18:29,859 --> 00:18:30,859
(SOBBlNG)
377
00:18:31,444 --> 00:18:32,444
(SNlFFLlNG)
378
00:18:32,904 --> 00:18:35,405
l'll never forget when
you were a little baby
379
00:18:35,490 --> 00:18:37,908
and l sang you
the lullabies you wrote.
380
00:18:38,201 --> 00:18:41,703
Where is my sister?
Where is darling Salieri?
381
00:18:42,038 --> 00:18:43,038
(SOBBlNG)
382
00:18:43,122 --> 00:18:44,623
l never wanted you to die.
383
00:18:44,749 --> 00:18:47,667
l just wanted to
destroy your talent
and your joy.
384
00:18:47,877 --> 00:18:50,295
Dear sister,
l have a confession.
385
00:18:51,214 --> 00:18:53,882
ln the eyes of history,
l always thought
386
00:18:53,966 --> 00:18:56,551
your music would
be judged the best.
387
00:18:56,969 --> 00:18:57,969
Really?
388
00:18:58,054 --> 00:18:59,763
But now that
l'm dying young. . .
389
00:19:01,015 --> 00:19:02,224
l'll be cool forever.
390
00:19:02,725 --> 00:19:03,725
(SlGHS)
391
00:19:04,393 --> 00:19:05,644
Eat my pantaloons!
392
00:19:06,312 --> 00:19:07,729
(REQUIEM PLAYING)
393
00:19:14,070 --> 00:19:16,363
Mozart is dead !
394
00:19:16,447 --> 00:19:17,823
(ALL GASP)
395
00:19:19,575 --> 00:19:22,285
Get you genuine death masks!
Fresh off the corpse!
396
00:19:22,495 --> 00:19:24,788
Be the first on your block
to give me money!
397
00:19:26,207 --> 00:19:27,207
(CHUCKLES SMUGLY)
398
00:19:28,835 --> 00:19:31,211
l must show the emperor
my Requiem Mass.
399
00:19:31,587 --> 00:19:36,591
With Mozart dead,
l am, at last, the greatest
composer alive!
400
00:19:36,926 --> 00:19:37,926
(CACKLES)
401
00:19:38,386 --> 00:19:39,511
You'll have to
wait your turn.
402
00:19:39,595 --> 00:19:41,680
The emperor
is with yet another
musical prodigy.
403
00:19:42,098 --> 00:19:43,390
(PLAYlNG PlANO)
404
00:19:50,106 --> 00:19:54,693
Splendid, young Beethoven.
l hereby declare all
other music obsolete.
405
00:19:55,319 --> 00:19:59,656
(CACKLES TO THE TUNE OF
BEETHOVEN'S FIFTH SYMPHONY)
406
00:20:00,408 --> 00:20:02,450
(BEETHOVEN'S
FIFTH SYMPHONY PLAYING)
407
00:20:06,956 --> 00:20:07,956
(WHlSTLES)
408
00:20:09,584 --> 00:20:11,126
(MUTTERlNG lNCOHERENTLY)
409
00:20:16,549 --> 00:20:17,799
(LAUGHS lNSANELY)
410
00:20:19,135 --> 00:20:20,844
And that's
the life of Mozart.
411
00:20:21,137 --> 00:20:24,139
Thank God he died young.
l've gotta get dinner
on the stove.
412
00:20:24,348 --> 00:20:26,892
Mom, that sounds a lot like
the movie Amadeus
413
00:20:26,976 --> 00:20:28,977
which was
historically inaccurate.
414
00:20:29,186 --> 00:20:31,104
Mozart worked hard
on his music.
415
00:20:31,188 --> 00:20:33,064
Salieri was
a respected composer.
416
00:20:33,190 --> 00:20:36,818
All l know is
the guy who played Mozart
was also in AnimaI House.
417
00:20:37,028 --> 00:20:39,988
Now there's
a movie with good music.
418
00:20:40,323 --> 00:20:43,575
(SlNGlNG)
Animal house, house, house
419
00:20:43,784 --> 00:20:46,745
Nobody ever went to cIass
420
00:20:47,163 --> 00:20:50,165
Then we saw
Donald Sutherland's ass
421
00:20:50,583 --> 00:20:57,172
Animal house, house, house
422
00:20:57,506 --> 00:21:00,967
Then they did the end
like American Graffiti
423
00:21:01,052 --> 00:21:04,346
Where you found out
what happened to everyone
424
00:21:56,816 --> 00:21:57,816
English - US - PSDH
30807
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