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1
00:00:02,920 --> 00:00:06,547
(SlNGlNG) The Simpsons
2
00:00:06,632 --> 00:00:07,715
(TlRES SCREECHlNG)
3
00:00:09,426 --> 00:00:10,426
D'oh !
4
00:00:10,761 --> 00:00:12,512
(SCREAMlNG)
(BRAKES SCREECHlNG)
5
00:00:30,280 --> 00:00:33,241
Happy Thanksgiving
from the entire
Channel 6 family
6
00:00:33,575 --> 00:00:34,784
including Kent Brockman,
7
00:00:34,868 --> 00:00:36,786
who's contractually
permitted to
replace himself
8
00:00:36,870 --> 00:00:38,705
with a cardboard cutout.
9
00:00:38,789 --> 00:00:41,582
The real Kent is
in a rehab clinic.
10
00:00:41,667 --> 00:00:44,043
We all wish him the best. . .
11
00:00:44,128 --> 00:00:45,294
Again.
12
00:00:45,379 --> 00:00:47,505
l love the holiday season.
13
00:00:49,633 --> 00:00:51,134
See ya in spring, toes.
14
00:00:56,598 --> 00:01:00,977
And from all of us,
best wishes for
a joyous hoIiday season.
15
00:01:01,186 --> 00:01:02,979
Now in the spirit
of the season,
16
00:01:03,063 --> 00:01:04,105
start shopping!
17
00:01:04,189 --> 00:01:06,816
And for
every doIIar of Krusty
merchandise you buy,
18
00:01:06,900 --> 00:01:08,568
l will be nice to a sick kid.
19
00:01:08,652 --> 00:01:11,529
For IegaI purposes,
sick kids may incIude
hookers with a cold.
20
00:01:11,613 --> 00:01:12,780
(LAUGHS)
21
00:01:13,407 --> 00:01:17,243
lt's the most
wonderful time
of the year
22
00:01:17,327 --> 00:01:18,327
(SCREECHlNG)
23
00:01:20,289 --> 00:01:22,206
With the kids
jingIe-beIIing
24
00:01:22,291 --> 00:01:24,292
And everyone teIIing you
25
00:01:24,376 --> 00:01:27,044
"Be of good cheer"
26
00:01:27,129 --> 00:01:33,092
lt's the most
wonderful time
of the year
27
00:01:33,260 --> 00:01:34,343
(GROWLlNG)
28
00:01:34,887 --> 00:01:36,304
(MEOWlNG)
29
00:01:37,723 --> 00:01:39,098
(GRUNTlNG)
30
00:01:42,895 --> 00:01:45,772
Hey, Homer.
l'm your Secret Santa.
Merry Christmas, big guy.
31
00:01:45,856 --> 00:01:49,442
Oh, my God ! A DVD player!
32
00:01:49,610 --> 00:01:51,277
And the first season
of Magnum P.I.
33
00:01:51,361 --> 00:01:53,029
with commentary
by John Hillerman.
34
00:01:53,113 --> 00:01:55,406
Apparently working in Hawaii
was a pleasure.
35
00:01:55,699 --> 00:01:58,826
Oh, Carl,
you remembered l like TV.
36
00:01:59,411 --> 00:02:00,411
(KlSSlNG)
37
00:02:01,205 --> 00:02:02,580
Who's my Secret Santa?
38
00:02:02,664 --> 00:02:03,998
l think it's Homer.
39
00:02:04,082 --> 00:02:05,958
Oh, yes, l am.
40
00:02:06,043 --> 00:02:08,878
Your present is right
in the other room. . .
41
00:02:10,088 --> 00:02:11,380
(WHlRRlNG)
42
00:02:11,715 --> 00:02:14,050
HOMER: Come on, machine!
Take my dollar!
43
00:02:14,927 --> 00:02:17,136
Fine. We'll play it
your way!
44
00:02:17,221 --> 00:02:18,846
(THUDDlNG)
45
00:02:19,598 --> 00:02:21,015
Here you go, Lenny.
46
00:02:21,683 --> 00:02:24,811
May the spirit of Retsyn
be with you all year long.
47
00:02:24,895 --> 00:02:27,230
God bless God. Amen.
48
00:02:27,731 --> 00:02:29,232
This gift stinks.
49
00:02:29,441 --> 00:02:31,400
Homer, you're the most
selfish man l know.
50
00:02:31,652 --> 00:02:34,487
Oh, come on.
Mister Burns is
way more selfish.
51
00:02:34,571 --> 00:02:39,659
That evil old bone bag
smelling of death,
nose like a vulture,
52
00:02:39,743 --> 00:02:42,328
followed everywhere
by that kiss-ass Smithers.
53
00:02:42,412 --> 00:02:46,332
(LAUGHS) Yes. That describes
Kathy in Personnel to a tee.
54
00:02:46,416 --> 00:02:47,375
(SCREAMS)
55
00:02:47,459 --> 00:02:48,459
All right, everyone.
56
00:02:48,669 --> 00:02:50,962
lt's time for your
Christmas "bon-i."
57
00:02:51,046 --> 00:02:53,422
Everyone gets
a five-dollar
cafeteria voucher.
58
00:02:53,632 --> 00:02:54,757
(ALL MOANlNG)
59
00:02:55,008 --> 00:02:56,968
And for your boy,
a confectioner's card
60
00:02:57,052 --> 00:02:58,970
featuring a current
baseballer.
61
00:02:59,054 --> 00:03:01,097
lt's that rookie
from the New York Nine.
62
00:03:01,181 --> 00:03:03,015
HOMER: Joe DiMaggio?
Yes.
63
00:03:03,100 --> 00:03:05,977
lt seems they've
started letting ethnics
into the big leagues.
64
00:03:06,061 --> 00:03:07,812
Oh, look! lt's Kathy!
65
00:03:07,896 --> 00:03:09,397
How are things in Personnel?
66
00:03:09,481 --> 00:03:10,940
Excellent.
67
00:03:12,150 --> 00:03:13,943
l need money for Christmas.
68
00:03:14,027 --> 00:03:17,238
Can l get anything for this
Joe DiMaggio baseball card?
69
00:03:17,322 --> 00:03:18,614
lt's kind of old.
70
00:03:18,824 --> 00:03:21,993
l'm sorry.
But l'm afraid your
card is only worth
71
00:03:22,536 --> 00:03:25,121
everything l've got!
Everything !
72
00:03:25,455 --> 00:03:26,706
Take it!
73
00:03:26,790 --> 00:03:27,915
Oh, no!
74
00:03:28,000 --> 00:03:31,669
l've smudged it
with nacho fingers.
l must deftly lick it off.
75
00:03:35,507 --> 00:03:36,966
Deftly. . .
Thank you !
76
00:03:37,634 --> 00:03:38,634
Freak.
77
00:03:39,094 --> 00:03:41,804
TV ANNOUNCER:
And now we return
to the 1 986 hoIiday cIassic,
78
00:03:42,097 --> 00:03:44,181
Christmas with
the California Prunes.
79
00:03:44,474 --> 00:03:46,809
(PLAYlNG JAZZY TUNE)
80
00:03:47,603 --> 00:03:49,645
(SlNGlNG) Yeah...
81
00:03:53,942 --> 00:03:57,862
Oh, pruny night
82
00:03:58,238 --> 00:04:03,910
The stars are
sweetIy wrinkIed
83
00:04:04,328 --> 00:04:06,996
We are the fruit
84
00:04:07,080 --> 00:04:11,292
That your grandmother Ioves
85
00:04:14,671 --> 00:04:15,880
Yeah...
86
00:04:20,427 --> 00:04:22,887
This is offensive
to Christians and prunes.
87
00:04:22,971 --> 00:04:23,971
HOMER: Hey, everybody!
88
00:04:24,056 --> 00:04:26,724
We're going shopping
at the Springfield
Heights Promenade!
89
00:04:26,808 --> 00:04:29,685
(GASPS) That's
the rich people's mall !
90
00:04:29,770 --> 00:04:31,312
Let's shop till we droop.
91
00:04:31,396 --> 00:04:32,521
l think that's "drop."
92
00:04:32,856 --> 00:04:34,774
That's a very
violent image, Lisa.
93
00:04:34,900 --> 00:04:40,112
Silver and gold
94
00:04:40,197 --> 00:04:43,407
Mean so much more
when l see
95
00:04:43,492 --> 00:04:45,284
First, we'll buy
gifts for each other,
96
00:04:45,702 --> 00:04:49,038
then we'll spend
the rest of the cash
on a Christmas tree so large,
97
00:04:49,122 --> 00:04:52,500
its absence
from the forest will cause
mudslides and flooding !
98
00:04:52,584 --> 00:04:53,709
ALL: Yay!
99
00:04:54,378 --> 00:04:56,170
Cool, a toy store!
100
00:04:59,675 --> 00:05:01,801
Awesome! l'm blasting
all the state capitals!
101
00:05:02,803 --> 00:05:04,303
Oh, take that,
Salem, Oregon !
102
00:05:05,347 --> 00:05:07,223
Wait a minute.
This game is educational !
103
00:05:08,058 --> 00:05:10,309
That'll teach you
to teach me!
104
00:05:13,647 --> 00:05:16,273
l think these are
my Homie's size.
105
00:05:16,817 --> 00:05:19,235
Excuse me.
Can l ask you a favor?
106
00:05:20,821 --> 00:05:22,738
Perfect! l'll take it!
107
00:05:25,784 --> 00:05:27,284
Um, we'll do that.
108
00:05:33,458 --> 00:05:34,875
Stand back when you open it.
109
00:05:36,586 --> 00:05:37,753
Doing pretty good so far.
110
00:05:37,838 --> 00:05:40,006
A key ring for Marge,
key ring for Bart. . .
111
00:05:40,090 --> 00:05:41,090
(GASPS)
112
00:05:43,927 --> 00:05:45,678
That thing for me!
113
00:05:47,389 --> 00:05:49,974
Oh, God !
lt's so unnecessary!
114
00:05:50,058 --> 00:05:54,353
You have excellent taste.
This is our finest
talking astrolabe.
115
00:05:54,563 --> 00:05:57,189
lt also comes with
a notepad and pen
that works upside-down.
116
00:05:57,274 --> 00:05:59,275
l'm upside-down so much !
117
00:06:01,236 --> 00:06:04,030
lf l buy this,
l won't have anything
left for a Christmas tree.
118
00:06:04,239 --> 00:06:07,074
ASTROLABE:
Today is the birthday
of comedienne Margaret Cho.
119
00:06:07,492 --> 00:06:11,120
That's the birthday
l'm always forgetting !
l must have it!
120
00:06:11,747 --> 00:06:12,955
What a mall !
121
00:06:13,040 --> 00:06:14,206
Can we get our big
Christmas tree now?
122
00:06:14,291 --> 00:06:15,916
Uh, sure, you know it.
123
00:06:17,627 --> 00:06:20,463
Biggest tree from
the finest lot in town.
124
00:06:21,423 --> 00:06:22,423
Stupid jerk!
125
00:06:22,758 --> 00:06:24,675
Dad, l don't like the looks
of this neighborhood.
126
00:06:24,760 --> 00:06:25,718
lt's fine.
127
00:06:25,802 --> 00:06:27,636
Now, everyone just relax,
lock your doors,
128
00:06:27,721 --> 00:06:29,472
don't make eye contact
with anyone,
129
00:06:29,556 --> 00:06:30,973
and listen to the radio.
130
00:06:31,058 --> 00:06:32,850
RADlO ANNOUNCER:
Now let's downshift
into the hoIiday spirit
131
00:06:32,934 --> 00:06:34,977
with Christmas Convoy.
132
00:06:35,270 --> 00:06:36,854
MAN:
A star shone bright
that siIent night
133
00:06:36,938 --> 00:06:38,647
Ninety miIes
out of manger-town
134
00:06:39,024 --> 00:06:41,192
HauIin' goId and myrrh
and frankincense
135
00:06:41,276 --> 00:06:42,985
Three kings
put the hammer down
136
00:06:43,070 --> 00:06:46,947
Cause we got
a Christmas convoy,
ain't she a beautifuI thing?
137
00:06:47,032 --> 00:06:51,494
We've gotta roII
this truckin' convoy
to see the newborn king
138
00:06:51,620 --> 00:06:54,830
Convoy
139
00:06:54,915 --> 00:06:56,957
1 0-4, King of the Jews
140
00:07:01,088 --> 00:07:03,631
Gorgeous, huh?
And quite the bargain.
141
00:07:03,715 --> 00:07:04,965
lsn't it kind of dry?
142
00:07:05,050 --> 00:07:07,176
Oh, it just needs
a little love.
143
00:07:08,887 --> 00:07:10,971
Why do things
l love always burn?
144
00:07:11,556 --> 00:07:13,349
lsn't it sufficient?
145
00:07:18,855 --> 00:07:21,190
l thought
we had enough money
for a good tree.
146
00:07:21,274 --> 00:07:23,651
Homer, is there something
you're not telling us?
147
00:07:23,735 --> 00:07:25,945
ASTROLABE:
It is 6:31 p.m. in MontreaI.
148
00:07:26,446 --> 00:07:27,571
The moon is waxing tonight.
149
00:07:27,656 --> 00:07:28,697
What's that?
150
00:07:28,782 --> 00:07:30,074
Uh. . . Woo-hoo!
151
00:07:30,158 --> 00:07:32,034
Maggie's talking !
152
00:07:34,830 --> 00:07:35,830
Hmm. . .
153
00:07:35,914 --> 00:07:39,834
You wasted our money
on something extravagant
for yourself!
154
00:07:40,210 --> 00:07:41,877
There's a trickledown
theory here.
155
00:07:41,962 --> 00:07:44,630
lf l'm happy,
l'm less abusive
to the rest of you.
156
00:07:44,714 --> 00:07:47,550
No, Dad.
This time you were
just plain selfish.
157
00:07:50,387 --> 00:07:51,679
ASTROLABE:
l am not returnable.
158
00:07:51,763 --> 00:07:53,347
(SOBBlNG)
159
00:07:53,849 --> 00:07:56,392
l will be
testing my smoke aIarm
for the next three hours.
160
00:07:56,518 --> 00:07:57,601
(ALARM BLARlNG)
161
00:07:57,686 --> 00:07:59,019
(SOBBlNG)
162
00:08:01,565 --> 00:08:04,900
This is sadder than
Tuesdays with Morrie.
163
00:08:09,531 --> 00:08:11,991
Come on, Marge.
l'm not the only
selfish person.
164
00:08:12,075 --> 00:08:14,410
You have to get
your hair done at Supercuts.
165
00:08:14,494 --> 00:08:17,288
l guess regular cuts
just isn't good
enough for you.
166
00:08:17,372 --> 00:08:19,081
You just don't get it,
do you?
167
00:08:19,291 --> 00:08:21,876
Christmas is a time
to think of others.
168
00:08:21,960 --> 00:08:24,128
But today, you showed
you only care about yourself.
169
00:08:24,462 --> 00:08:25,546
That's not true!
170
00:08:25,630 --> 00:08:27,673
l cared what you thought
once you found out!
171
00:08:27,924 --> 00:08:29,842
You can sleep
on the couch tonight.
172
00:08:30,093 --> 00:08:32,011
Can't you yell at me now
and get it over with?
173
00:08:32,095 --> 00:08:33,053
No.
174
00:08:33,138 --> 00:08:36,223
l'm gonna parcel
my anger out over the next
few days and weeks,
175
00:08:36,308 --> 00:08:39,310
jabbing at you
just when you seem
the most content.
176
00:08:39,394 --> 00:08:40,394
Oh !
177
00:08:41,771 --> 00:08:45,608
l don't need her.
l've got you, Astrolabe.
178
00:08:46,818 --> 00:08:49,153
Colombia's main
export is coffee.
179
00:08:49,237 --> 00:08:50,946
Exactly.
180
00:08:51,531 --> 00:08:53,657
TV ANNOUNCER 1 : Now back to
The Year Santa Got Lost
181
00:08:54,075 --> 00:08:56,619
starring Jimmy Stewart
as the voice of
Mister Mailman.
182
00:08:57,037 --> 00:08:59,163
Santa was in
an awfuI pickIe.
183
00:08:59,247 --> 00:09:02,374
Beatniks had given
drugs to the reindeer
184
00:09:02,459 --> 00:09:04,293
and they were no darn good.
185
00:09:04,794 --> 00:09:09,548
So Santa placed a call
to Secretary of Defense
Melvin Laird.
186
00:09:09,633 --> 00:09:12,009
Jimmy Stewart as
a puppet is just wrong.
187
00:09:12,385 --> 00:09:15,471
TV ANNOUNCER 2:
And now back to
Mr. McGrew's Christmas Carol.
188
00:09:15,639 --> 00:09:18,974
Mr. McGrew? l love that
blind senile old man !
189
00:09:19,142 --> 00:09:20,184
(KNOCKlNG ON DOOR)
190
00:09:20,268 --> 00:09:22,311
l can't find
my way back to the home.
191
00:09:22,604 --> 00:09:24,480
l heard you
the first five times!
192
00:09:25,815 --> 00:09:26,815
(GROANS)
193
00:09:27,317 --> 00:09:30,236
You work on Christmas
or you're out of a job!
194
00:09:30,320 --> 00:09:31,820
ls that clear, Cratchett?
195
00:09:31,905 --> 00:09:33,405
Sir, l'm over here.
196
00:09:33,490 --> 00:09:36,742
Woo-hoo.
Sorry, pardon me, ma'am.
197
00:09:36,993 --> 00:09:41,497
I see you're expecting.
May I Iisten to
the baby's heartbeat?
198
00:09:41,748 --> 00:09:43,249
(SCREAMlNG)
199
00:09:45,502 --> 00:09:46,710
(LAUGHlNG)
200
00:09:46,920 --> 00:09:51,215
Oh, McGrew.
Once again you've mistaken
something for something.
201
00:09:51,508 --> 00:09:52,508
(MEOWlNG)
202
00:09:52,842 --> 00:09:56,637
McGrew, l am the Ghost
of Christmas Past.
203
00:09:56,805 --> 00:10:00,432
You are so selfish
your fiancee is about
to Ieave you.
204
00:10:00,517 --> 00:10:01,934
l don't need love.
205
00:10:02,018 --> 00:10:06,397
l have money. Sweet,
sweet money, yes indeed.
206
00:10:06,690 --> 00:10:10,526
Oh, my God ! lt's like
looking at a cartoon
version of myself!
207
00:10:12,654 --> 00:10:16,740
Spirit,
sureIy there is some time
to reform my seIfish ways.
208
00:10:17,033 --> 00:10:20,244
Come on, Death.
Leave McGrew alone.
Take Tiny Tim !
209
00:10:22,998 --> 00:10:24,623
No!
210
00:10:26,835 --> 00:10:29,461
"Unloved by Al?" No!
211
00:10:31,506 --> 00:10:34,049
"Unloved by all?" No!
212
00:10:36,177 --> 00:10:37,386
(MOANlNG)
213
00:10:39,264 --> 00:10:40,889
Dad, are you okay?
214
00:10:42,642 --> 00:10:45,060
Children ! Children,
what day is this?
215
00:10:45,312 --> 00:10:46,520
lt's Saturday,
December sixth.
216
00:10:46,604 --> 00:10:49,481
Thank God.
There's still four
more days till Christmas.
217
00:10:49,566 --> 00:10:51,275
l have time to
reform my ways.
218
00:10:51,609 --> 00:10:54,153
l just saw the greatest
cartoon of all time.
219
00:10:54,237 --> 00:10:58,115
lt was about
a miser who was visited
by three ghosts at Christmas.
220
00:10:58,241 --> 00:10:59,325
And get this.
221
00:10:59,409 --> 00:11:00,826
He learns a lesson !
222
00:11:00,994 --> 00:11:03,078
Dad, what you saw was
A Christmas Carol.
223
00:11:03,163 --> 00:11:05,831
lt was written
by Charles Dickens
1 60 years ago.
224
00:11:05,915 --> 00:11:08,751
Yeah. TV writers have been
milking that goat for years.
225
00:11:09,794 --> 00:11:11,754
Reform, Ebenezer Urkel!
226
00:11:11,921 --> 00:11:14,757
You have alienated
everyone who Ioved you!
227
00:11:14,924 --> 00:11:16,008
Did l do that?
228
00:11:16,885 --> 00:11:17,885
Report, Mr. Sulu.
229
00:11:17,969 --> 00:11:19,636
Captain, there appears
to be some sort of spirit
230
00:11:19,721 --> 00:11:21,347
from an Earth hoIiday past.
231
00:11:21,473 --> 00:11:23,557
Mr. Scott,
fire photon torpedoes.
232
00:11:23,641 --> 00:11:27,144
lt's no use, Captain.
He's showin' visions
of me future.
233
00:11:27,228 --> 00:11:28,437
God, l'm so fat!
234
00:11:28,521 --> 00:11:29,730
l said fire!
235
00:11:32,108 --> 00:11:33,859
That last one
looked kind of good.
236
00:11:33,943 --> 00:11:37,363
Marge, TV and nightmares
have joined forces
to teach me a lesson.
237
00:11:37,447 --> 00:11:41,075
From now on,
l will stop being selfish
and start being good.
238
00:11:41,159 --> 00:11:44,495
ln fact, l'll be
the nicest man in town.
239
00:11:44,829 --> 00:11:46,663
You've made that
promise before.
240
00:11:46,873 --> 00:11:50,250
Yes. But this time
l'm sober-ish.
241
00:11:52,003 --> 00:11:54,088
Well, the hoboes
sure will appreciate
242
00:11:54,172 --> 00:11:56,215
our old clothes
and lima beans.
243
00:11:56,299 --> 00:11:59,927
No need, Flanders.
l've already given them
my old clothes.
244
00:12:03,014 --> 00:12:04,890
Good-looking group.
245
00:12:04,974 --> 00:12:07,768
lt looks like this town
has a Good Sam logjam.
246
00:12:08,019 --> 00:12:10,521
These pants smell worse
than my old pants.
247
00:12:10,939 --> 00:12:12,314
You're welcome.
248
00:12:15,193 --> 00:12:17,736
Listen, Lenny.
l know l was a pretty bad
Secret Santa
249
00:12:17,821 --> 00:12:19,321
so l wanted to
make it up to you.
250
00:12:21,032 --> 00:12:23,033
A photo cube
with pictures of us!
251
00:12:23,118 --> 00:12:25,160
And l filed down
all the sharp corners.
252
00:12:25,245 --> 00:12:27,287
See? Your eye is
completely safe!
253
00:12:27,580 --> 00:12:29,623
Oh, wow,
it just stings a little.
254
00:12:33,253 --> 00:12:34,253
Oops.
255
00:12:35,088 --> 00:12:37,756
Marge, do you want
this last pork chop?
256
00:12:38,133 --> 00:12:40,843
l've dreamed of
the day you'd say that!
257
00:12:42,971 --> 00:12:46,807
Oh, your thoughtfulness
tastes so good.
258
00:12:46,891 --> 00:12:48,183
(SOBBlNG)
259
00:12:48,476 --> 00:12:51,603
And tears are
the sweetest sauce.
260
00:12:53,022 --> 00:12:55,149
All right,
now you're starting
to creep me out.
261
00:13:09,873 --> 00:13:10,998
Come on.
262
00:13:15,170 --> 00:13:17,045
Why don't you
just take my blood?
263
00:13:19,215 --> 00:13:20,424
Yes, l'm old.
264
00:13:21,968 --> 00:13:23,135
Oh, very nice, Ned.
265
00:13:23,219 --> 00:13:26,513
But l'm afraid
you're a distant
second this week.
266
00:13:26,598 --> 00:13:28,640
l'm not looking
for glory or wealth.
267
00:13:28,725 --> 00:13:31,810
l'm just buying
that stairway to heaven
Jesus sang of.
268
00:13:31,895 --> 00:13:33,061
That was Led Zeppelin.
269
00:13:33,730 --> 00:13:35,814
Get back to
your bong, hippie.
270
00:13:35,899 --> 00:13:37,065
(CHUCKLES)
271
00:13:39,903 --> 00:13:42,654
Daddy, are you jealous
of Brother Homer?
272
00:13:42,739 --> 00:13:44,656
Maybe just a tad, Todd.
273
00:13:44,866 --> 00:13:47,701
l'm jealous of girls
because they get
to wear dresses.
274
00:13:49,120 --> 00:13:50,913
One problem at a time, boy.
275
00:13:51,206 --> 00:13:53,081
Homie, l'm so proud.
276
00:13:53,166 --> 00:13:55,167
You changed more
than l could've imagined.
277
00:13:55,251 --> 00:13:57,169
You're even
covering your mouth
when you burp.
278
00:13:57,253 --> 00:13:58,587
Just like the pope.
279
00:13:58,671 --> 00:13:59,671
(BURPS)
280
00:13:59,756 --> 00:14:03,258
Being unselfish
is a natural high
like hiking or paint thinner.
281
00:14:03,343 --> 00:14:06,512
And here's another act
of Christian charity
l pulled out of my butt.
282
00:14:07,722 --> 00:14:10,641
l built a skating rink
for the whole town !
283
00:14:11,768 --> 00:14:12,851
(GROANS)
284
00:14:15,104 --> 00:14:17,105
Activate cloaking device!
285
00:14:18,816 --> 00:14:21,777
Oh, l'm so depressed.
Engage candy bar.
286
00:14:23,029 --> 00:14:24,196
Thank you.
287
00:14:25,615 --> 00:14:28,075
(SlNGlNG)
Here come sandwiches
Here come sandwiches
288
00:14:28,159 --> 00:14:30,536
right down Boozy Bum Lane
289
00:14:30,620 --> 00:14:33,038
Brother Ned's
got cheese on bread
290
00:14:33,498 --> 00:14:36,542
and a side order of shame.
Bells...
291
00:14:37,168 --> 00:14:40,212
Where the H-E-C-K
is everybody?
292
00:14:44,842 --> 00:14:47,052
Here's your skates.
Oh, you'll have to
take off those boots.
293
00:14:47,345 --> 00:14:48,428
Those are my feet.
294
00:14:48,513 --> 00:14:49,596
Eew!
295
00:14:50,098 --> 00:14:51,890
Oh, for the love of puppies.
296
00:14:51,975 --> 00:14:54,309
Homer, you're
the nicest guy in town.
297
00:14:54,936 --> 00:14:56,228
Ha-ha!
298
00:14:56,312 --> 00:14:58,689
Your position
has been usurped.
299
00:14:59,816 --> 00:15:01,942
Usurped. You heard me.
300
00:15:02,235 --> 00:15:03,402
Ha-ha!
301
00:15:03,486 --> 00:15:05,445
(CHANTlNG)
You're sad at Christmas.
302
00:15:11,536 --> 00:15:13,245
This just in,
303
00:15:13,329 --> 00:15:14,871
Santa Claus is dead.
304
00:15:15,331 --> 00:15:16,331
(SCREAMlNG)
305
00:15:16,666 --> 00:15:18,000
Or he might as well be
306
00:15:18,126 --> 00:15:19,793
because there's
an even fatter man
307
00:15:19,877 --> 00:15:21,503
who's hoIding famiIies
at nice-point.
308
00:15:21,838 --> 00:15:24,172
Homer Simpson,
seen here in this
retouched photo!
309
00:15:24,674 --> 00:15:25,674
(GRUNTS lN ANGER)
310
00:15:25,758 --> 00:15:28,010
That Homer just
burns my waffles.
311
00:15:28,761 --> 00:15:31,346
Pain is the cleanser!
Pain is the cleanser!
312
00:15:31,514 --> 00:15:33,181
(DOORBELL RlNGlNG)
313
00:15:35,018 --> 00:15:36,768
Excuse me.
My car broke down.
314
00:15:37,437 --> 00:15:38,812
Well, l'll give you a jump!
315
00:15:38,896 --> 00:15:41,273
l'll rotate your tires!
l'll even fold up
that map for you !
316
00:15:41,357 --> 00:15:42,566
l know that can be
a dickens of a doozie!
317
00:15:42,650 --> 00:15:43,775
Back off, creep!
318
00:15:43,860 --> 00:15:45,861
l was looking for
Homer Simpson's house!
319
00:15:47,030 --> 00:15:49,615
That tears it!
l'll show Homer!
320
00:15:49,699 --> 00:15:53,368
l'm gonna be the nicest man
this world has ever seen.
321
00:15:56,247 --> 00:15:59,541
l said "man," not "man-God"!
Keep your pants on !
322
00:15:59,792 --> 00:16:01,793
Here you go,
Principal Skinner,
Mrs. Skinner.
323
00:16:01,878 --> 00:16:04,463
You're actually
giving everyone in town
a Christmas present?
324
00:16:04,547 --> 00:16:05,589
What's your angle, pervert?
325
00:16:05,715 --> 00:16:09,217
Oh-ho. My angle is
"givin' in this world,
livin' in the next!"
326
00:16:09,510 --> 00:16:11,887
But how can
you afford all this
on a widower's salary?
327
00:16:12,221 --> 00:16:14,848
Well, actually l picked up
some extra cash
328
00:16:14,932 --> 00:16:16,808
renting out my house
to a fraternity.
329
00:16:17,101 --> 00:16:18,769
(SCREAMlNG)
330
00:16:19,562 --> 00:16:21,855
ROD: Stay out of
our medicine cabinet!
331
00:16:22,523 --> 00:16:23,940
Pathetic Flanders.
332
00:16:24,025 --> 00:16:26,693
Thinking he can buy
people's love with
thoughtful gifts.
333
00:16:27,236 --> 00:16:30,280
Cool ! Mister Flanders
gave me a Krusty brand
Operation game.
334
00:16:30,490 --> 00:16:31,490
(BUZZER SOUNDS)
335
00:16:31,616 --> 00:16:33,408
KRUSTY'S VOlCE:
You just tweezered my wang!
336
00:16:33,826 --> 00:16:36,745
l'll show Flanders.
l'm gonna give everyone
a car.
337
00:16:36,829 --> 00:16:39,247
What's that one
good American car?
338
00:16:39,332 --> 00:16:41,458
Dad, you don't have to
outdo Mister Flanders.
339
00:16:41,542 --> 00:16:43,085
Just remember
the spirit of the season.
340
00:16:43,252 --> 00:16:44,628
ls it despair?
341
00:16:44,712 --> 00:16:48,215
Actually, most people
now feel Christmas has
gotten too materialistic.
342
00:16:48,299 --> 00:16:49,675
ln fact, as a Buddhist,
343
00:16:49,759 --> 00:16:52,094
l believe people
would be a lot happier
without presents.
344
00:16:52,178 --> 00:16:55,097
Hmm. You've given me
a lot to think about.
345
00:16:57,809 --> 00:16:59,726
LISA: PeopIe wouId
be a Iot happier
without presents.
346
00:17:01,938 --> 00:17:03,605
Presents are material goods,
347
00:17:03,690 --> 00:17:07,192
and attachment
to material goods
kills the soul.
348
00:17:07,276 --> 00:17:08,985
(SlREN BLARlNG)
349
00:17:09,320 --> 00:17:11,113
l'm not going to jail again.
350
00:17:12,365 --> 00:17:14,491
l've got it!
When everyone's asleep,
351
00:17:14,575 --> 00:17:16,284
l'll take away
their presents!
352
00:17:16,369 --> 00:17:19,079
Then they'll be happy.
Thanks, Buddha.
353
00:17:19,372 --> 00:17:22,958
l got your badge number.
You better hope
l never get out!
354
00:17:24,293 --> 00:17:28,380
HOMER:
You're a hero, Homer J
355
00:17:28,631 --> 00:17:33,093
You're as crafty as a skunk
356
00:17:33,302 --> 00:17:37,639
They'II thank you
in the morning for steaIing
FIanders' junk
357
00:17:37,849 --> 00:17:40,267
Homer Jay
358
00:17:40,601 --> 00:17:44,146
You're a double-bacon
genius-burger
359
00:17:44,313 --> 00:17:48,191
and just a IittIe drunk
360
00:18:04,292 --> 00:18:07,502
Now to hear
the joyous sound of people
waking up on Christmas
361
00:18:07,587 --> 00:18:10,005
to discover they
have no presents.
362
00:18:10,965 --> 00:18:12,340
LENNY:
Hey, where's my presents?
363
00:18:12,967 --> 00:18:15,385
WOMAN: Some jerk
stole Christmas!
364
00:18:15,720 --> 00:18:17,679
Oh, l've been robbed !
365
00:18:18,181 --> 00:18:20,974
Man, so this is
how it feels.
366
00:18:21,058 --> 00:18:24,895
l'd better see my shrink
and rob his ass!
367
00:18:25,730 --> 00:18:28,482
Someone snuck in
and took our presents.
368
00:18:29,150 --> 00:18:30,567
Do you think it was Papa?
369
00:18:30,693 --> 00:18:34,112
l wouldn't put it past him.
He stole my gold tooth
the night he left.
370
00:18:34,197 --> 00:18:36,198
He didn't leave.
He went to the store.
371
00:18:36,407 --> 00:18:39,576
And when he comes back,
l'll wave those Pop Tarts
right in your face!
372
00:18:40,119 --> 00:18:42,245
They don't sound happy
but here comes a mob
373
00:18:42,330 --> 00:18:44,414
shaking their fists
in gratitude!
374
00:18:44,707 --> 00:18:45,874
Get him !
375
00:18:46,709 --> 00:18:48,627
Give back our presents,
stupid man !
376
00:18:48,711 --> 00:18:50,962
Your behavior,
it's like not sanctioned
377
00:18:51,047 --> 00:18:53,340
by any governing body.
You're like wild.
378
00:18:54,217 --> 00:18:56,468
Shouldn't you all
be singing carols
or something?
379
00:18:56,552 --> 00:18:57,719
(GROANlNG)
380
00:19:03,518 --> 00:19:06,144
Stop! Friends,
what Homer did was wrong
381
00:19:06,229 --> 00:19:07,646
but l've been thinking.
382
00:19:07,730 --> 00:19:10,440
Maybe l was just as wrong
to give you those gifts.
383
00:19:10,525 --> 00:19:11,650
(GROANS)
384
00:19:11,734 --> 00:19:12,859
Hey!
385
00:19:12,944 --> 00:19:15,612
Wait a minute, everyone!
There's your Christmas.
386
00:19:15,696 --> 00:19:16,780
Up there!
387
00:19:18,616 --> 00:19:19,825
(ALL EXCLAlM lN AWE)
388
00:19:20,034 --> 00:19:21,535
lt's a miracle.
389
00:19:23,496 --> 00:19:26,998
That's my last flare.
Somebody better come soon.
390
00:19:27,083 --> 00:19:28,583
(HOWLlNG)
391
00:19:28,793 --> 00:19:31,878
Oh, thank goodness.
Rescue dogs.
392
00:19:32,046 --> 00:19:33,380
(GROWLlNG)
393
00:19:34,507 --> 00:19:36,216
"And the angel said
unto them, 'Fear not,
394
00:19:36,592 --> 00:19:39,427
"'for behold, l bring you
good tidings of great joy
395
00:19:39,512 --> 00:19:40,679
"'which shall be
to all people. . ."'
396
00:19:40,763 --> 00:19:41,805
Stop that!
397
00:19:41,889 --> 00:19:43,431
You can't pray
on city property!
398
00:19:45,977 --> 00:19:49,312
Let's just say
that on this day
a million years ago,
399
00:19:49,397 --> 00:19:52,357
a dude was born
who most of us
think was magic.
400
00:19:52,984 --> 00:19:55,443
But others don't.
And that's cool.
401
00:19:55,570 --> 00:19:57,988
But we're
probably right. Amen.
402
00:19:58,072 --> 00:19:59,155
ALL: Amen !
403
00:19:59,240 --> 00:20:01,157
And now l think
the only thing left to do
404
00:20:01,242 --> 00:20:03,076
is return all your gifts!
405
00:20:03,160 --> 00:20:04,160
Ned?
406
00:20:04,245 --> 00:20:05,287
lt'd be my pleasure, Homer!
407
00:20:09,959 --> 00:20:14,337
Oh, joy!
Let's see what we got here.
lt's a new brassiere!
408
00:20:14,422 --> 00:20:17,674
But l don't even
have them, but okay.
l'll make pretend.
409
00:20:18,217 --> 00:20:19,467
What a great Christmas.
410
00:20:19,552 --> 00:20:22,178
Not even Moe's
annual suicide attempt
can ruin it.
411
00:20:24,390 --> 00:20:27,684
l ain't got all day,
Drama Queen.
Get it over with.
412
00:20:27,768 --> 00:20:28,768
l will !
413
00:20:28,853 --> 00:20:31,187
And then you'll all wish
you was nicer to me!
414
00:20:31,898 --> 00:20:33,982
Who am l kidding?
l ain't gonna jump.
415
00:20:34,984 --> 00:20:39,195
(SlNGlNG)
Hark, the HeraId AngeIs sing
416
00:20:39,363 --> 00:20:43,491
Glory to the new born King
417
00:20:43,993 --> 00:20:47,704
Peace on earth
and mercy miId
418
00:20:47,830 --> 00:20:51,708
God and sinners reconciled
419
00:20:52,335 --> 00:20:55,337
ASTROLABE:
Today is the birthday
of our Lord, Jesus Christ,
420
00:20:55,421 --> 00:20:57,422
and singer Barbara MandreII.
421
00:20:57,506 --> 00:20:58,715
Merry Christmas.
422
00:20:58,799 --> 00:21:00,926
Of the skies
423
00:21:01,010 --> 00:21:05,180
Hark the HeraId AngeIs sing
424
00:21:05,264 --> 00:21:10,268
Glory to
the new born King
425
00:21:57,483 --> 00:21:58,483
English - US - PSDH
31243
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