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Aw, geez, there's already a line
for the washer?

Yeah, I got stuff in there,
and she's next.

What's the hurry?

Well, Neville and I
haven't really been alone

since Logan's been staying with him,

and he's coming over
to my place tonight,

and I'm gonna surprise him
with a sexy night.

[Whispering] I made some calls.

[Whispering] Keep your creepy
sex stuff to yourself.

I don't have anything to whisper about,

but while we're on the subject,
tonight's the night

I'm gonna be sleeping with Nick
for the first time.

[Normal voice]
Here's what I got going on.

Beat that.

Oh. [Laughs]

Okay.

Funny, right?

Unless he only has to stay
a couple inches away,

and then the joke's on me.

[Normal voice] It's interesting

what you think is sexy.

That's the kind of outfit I'd wear

to haul an old rug to the dump.

I'm just trying to lower expectations.

This is the first guy I've slept
with since Ben, and, you know,

first times are almost always
a disaster, right?

- Not really.
- Not in my experience.

Well, I guess we know
where the problem lies.

04x09 - Three Exes,
Role Playing and a Waterbed

♪

♪

♪

♪

[Knock on door]

It's open. Enter the pleasure-dome.

[Laughs] I knew that you
would like the blindfolds,

and I paid them extra not to speak.

What kind of weird-ass crap
is going on here?

Logan.

I didn't know that you were coming.

Yeah, I caught him getting into my beer

as I was leaving the house
and had to bring him.

I sent you a text.

My phone is in my pants.

Where's your bathroom?

You don't steal beer.
You just rent it, am I right?

Yeah.

- I am so sorry.
- This keeps happening.

- I know.
- We can't have one romantic night alone.

If it's not Logan, it's something else.

Things are about to get better.

Logan's mom is sober now,

and she's moving back to Lanford.

She asked me for a job,
and if I hire her,

she can get an apartment and
Logan can move back in with her.

Oh, fantastic! That solves our problem.

I'm so sorry! I'm being so rude.

Neville, this is Johan and Gerta.

Oh, hi.

You can't see, but I'm waving.

But with Helen being newly sober,

do you think
it's kind of risky to hire her?

No, it's not like she's a wild woman.

She's actually kind of
a plain, sad-sack type.

Okay, well, then you hire her
right away.

[Laughs]

♪

Ah, you are so lucky
to live above the shop.

It's always a dream of mine
to have a bookstore,

as long as no customers came in
and touched my precious books.

- [Laughs]
- Oh, this looks great.

Yeah. Just my way of saying
how fun last night was.

And I-I love the fact that
you didn't dress up.

Oh, was that a shot,

or were you trying to be sincere?

Hey, I prefer clothes
that are easy to get off.

I once got lost in a wrap-around dress,

and by the time I found
my way out of it,

the woman was gone.

[Chuckles]

Oh, dammit.

- Oh, what happened?
- Oh, it's the fuse again.

This happens once every couple weeks

'cause the building is so old.

And, uh, yep, must've used the last one.

Oh, well, my dad works
at Olinsky's Hardware.

They should be open
in about a half-hour.

Okay, Olinsky's, yeah.

Oh, did... Uh, didn't you say
your ex owns that store?

Oh, yeah, yeah, but today's his day off.

Funny how you know your ex's schedule.

You guys still close?

Oh, my God, no. I-I can't stand him.

He's always trying to look
like such a nice guy,

like, "Oh, I'll give your dad a job.

I'll... I'll watch movies with your son.

I'll give up my dream of being
a father just to be with you."

Like, what kind of sick son of a bitch

works that hard to be a good person?

Yeah, he's clearly a monster.

Don't pay.

Send a check but don't sign it.

Sign the check but don't send it.

Put back in mailbox marked
"not at this address."

And pay.

Next week.

Hey.

Harris, since you moved out,

a bunch of bills have piled up for you.

Where? I don't see them.

Damn post office. You can't
depend on them anymore.

How am I supposed to pay them
if I don't get them?

Man. Sometimes you don't think
you're leaving anything behind

for your grandchildren.

And then you see something
like this, and then...

Don't look at me.
I'm gonna get emotional.

[Laughs]

This bedroom furniture looks great.

Not a bad price.

This might be the stuff.

Louise would hate this.

This is the most traditional,
depressing furniture

I have ever seen.

People with this furniture
are sleeping on rubber sheets

and being turned over by strangers.

I'll help you pick out some
stuff that Louise will like.

I appreciate the offer, honey,

but you've got way too much
on your plate already.

Hey, take the help, Grandpa,

and then I'll help you decorate
the rest of the house.

You get the gas, I got the match.

Yes, I'm busy, but this is important.

You need stuff that's young and fun.

Louise is a rock 'n' roll girl.

Hey! I want the bedroom to be fun, too.

There's enough stuff in there
that's old and worn out.

Including you.

[Laughs]

I was talking about
the rug and the drapes.

She's on tour

with a bunch of young
rock 'n' roll musicians

right now.

Have you seen some of these guys?

- Let me see.
- Boop!

[Chuckles] You're so easy.

♪

Since we're here so early,
my dad will probably figure out

that we spent the night together.

- [Bell rings]
- Does that really bother him?

Oh, no, he'll be excited.

It means there's a chance
I might move out.

Your dad's not working today.

But I'll be sure to tell him

that, uh, you are
sleeping with somebody.

Hi. Ben.

Nick. Awkward to meet you.

Yeah.

I am so sorry.
I thought it was your day off.

- We-We'll come back later.
- No, no, come on.

Don't worry about it. You didn't know.

Your dad and I swapped days

'cause I'm moving into
my new place tomorrow.

Oh, wow. You got a place?

Yeah. Big day for surprises, huh?

I mean, you didn't expect me to
live in the back of the store

forever, did ya?

Guess you have a type...
guys who live in stores.

How long were you back there?

Six months. Mm-hmm.

I only did it 'cause Darlene and
I were going through some stuff,

and I wasn't sure if we were
gonna be living together or not.

Well, obviously "not"
'cause we're estranged.

I mean, I didn't even know
he was getting a place.

I don't even know where it is.
Don't tell me.

You're no longer part of my life.

Okay. So, uh,

we're really just here for one of these.

Oh, yeah.

Hey! Dick Butkus from the Bears.

- Mm-hmm.
- Oh, man.

I really miss watching
the Bears' games at the bars.

At least the ones I can remember.

I used to drink pretty hard
when the Bears won.

- [Chuckles]
- Or lost.

Or tied.

Or didn't play 'cause
it was baseball season.

[Chuckles]

Well, how do you feel about
watching one with her ex?

I'm going to the Lunch Box
tomorrow night.

Think it'd be okay.

I mean, you are estranged.

Great! All right, well,

just get rid of the old
ball and chain and come by.

You sell bolt cutters so I can get away?

[Both laughing]

Yeah, yeah, just 'cause he does the joke

doesn't mean you need to.

- Hey, Dad.
- Hey, honey. How was class?

Good.

My psychology professor
was going on and on

about how easily people
are distracted nowadays.

And I remembered

you needed a bedroom set,

so I made this.

It's a design board
for your new bedroom.

See, it has furniture samples
for scale and tone

and brighter accessories for fun.

Thanks, honey.

I can't believe you found
the time to do that.

Now throw that out and come
take a gander at what I did.

[Cackles]

- Hi, Mommy.
- What do you think?

Honey, why don't you go
play your goldfish game

in the [grunting] living room?

And Mommy will be right in.

- Okay.
- Okay.

You said cool and fun.

Nothing is cooler and funner

than an old-school, full-wave waterbed.

Wow. I didn't realize anybody
was still making this stuff.

And why isn't anybody stopping them?

There are still artisans out there

who march to the beat of
their own LSD-fueled drummer.

Lay down.

You sure?

What if I become too groovy?

Huh? How cool is that?

Ah, you hate it, right?

No, it's nice.

I didn't realize how long it's been

since I just laid down to relax.

BEVERLY ROSE: Mommy,
the game isn't working.

What happened?

It was dirty, so I washed it
in the toilet.

Well, I got a whole 30 seconds
to myself.

That was restful.

Think I'm gonna do it again next year.

♪

- Yes!
- Yeah!

Hi.

Are you Jackie?

Yeah. How can I help you?

- I'm Helen.
- Helen?

Logan's mom?

You're Logan's mom, Helen?

Are you sure?

Unless my C-section was
recreational, then yeah.

Um, I just wanted to bring you
something to say thanks

for helping with Logan.

When I was moving to Lanford,
I found bottles

I hid from myself when I was drinking,

and now they make great gifts.

Well, it's a shame you weren't
a gambler and hid money.

Um, and thank you for
encouraging Neville to hire me.

I don't think I would've been
that cool with my boyfriend

hiring someone he was
engaged to in college.

Well, some people might've said
I was an idiot,

but I like to rely on my reputation

as a person who turns truly dangerous

when someone I've helped betrays me.

Well, I should get going.

Starting work tomorrow. Big day.

I'm sure we'll be seeing each other.

Oh, yeah, we will.

I drop by the vet clinic
unannounced all the time.

You think I'm not there, and
then all of a sudden, I'm there!

- Who was that?
- [Door closes]

Logan's mom, Helen.

- That's a Helen?
- That's a Helen?!

Right? That's not a Helen!

A Helen has arm flaps
and one stray whisker

long enough to reach
one of the arm flaps.

Neville totally downplayed her.

You know why?

They were engaged in college.

Okay, but that was forever ago.

What do you think's gonna happen?

Come on! They're working
elbow-to-elbow, saving lives.

Passions could reignite.

In a vet clinic?

They're gonna be elbow-to-elbow

separating a goat from its testicles.

And then the goat flatlines
and they lose him,

and they have to find comfort
in each other's arms!

Yes, clearly I didn't think it through.

Well, so, how'd you guys meet?

Oh, she came into
the bookstore where I work,

and she was asking questions,

looking for help
on her spiritual journey.

[Gasps] You're on a spiritual journey?

Yeah, I thought I could use
a little introspection

to change my attitude

and help me with my relationships.

Oh. Introspection, huh?

Wow. You sure you want to see
what's growing in that cave?

- Hey, Nick.
- Oh, hey!

Uh, you made it.

Um, Darlene, Ben, this is Heather.

- Hey.
- Hi.

I thought I'd invite her
'cause I-I thought

you guys would really get along.

Well, Nick knows I just
went through a bad breakup

- and was sitting home alone.
- Oh, yeah.

Yeah, I've been going through
the same thing.

Hmm. I'm not sure what your
ex-boyfriend put you through,

but my ex was brutal.

Oh, that'd be me.
He's just having a little fun.

I'm actually a very nice person
that just wanted to get married.

Yeah, and... and Ben's a great guy.

As long as you're not looking
for somebody who takes

marriage and commitment seriously.

[Laughs]

Yeah, you know, I don't ask much
from a relationship.

It's like, be nice, you know,
have a sense of humor,

uh, don't take any dudes
to Hawaii behind my back.

Uh, yeah, it was platonic.

I didn't take the guy.
I just invited him.

Some people can't move on.

[Laughing] Oh! You hear that, Heather?

It's all my fault now.

Yeah. Hey, look at that.

Finally he's taking
a little responsibility.

But don't bring Heather into it.

She's lonely and just wants
to have a good time.

Right. And you know what'd
help that? Beer.

[Chuckles]

Hey, now there's a pretty woman
next to Ben.

That can only help.

Pitcher of beer, please.

And a straw.

You know what?
Why don't we get another table

- and let these two get to know each other?
- Love it.

Why? Does this make you feel
uncomfortable, Darlene?

I mean, you've moved on.

Why can't Heather and I?

Oh, you absolutely can.
What do you say, Heather?

You wanna waste three years
of your life?

Feels like I just did.

- Sorry.
- Bye.

Gotta work on your game, buddy.

Just for the record,
I didn't waste your life.

You wasted mine.

Oh, let's unpack that.

Hey, can we talk for a minute alone?

Uh, yeah. Gimme a second.

I just gotta prove him wrong.

Yeah, you can do that
right after we talk.

Oh, sure.

Don't you go anywhere.

You mean like Hawaii?

Can you believe this guy?

I mean, you see it, right?

I do. But I don't think
it's what you see.

This might be the O'Doul's talking,

but I'm pretty sure you and Ben

still have feelings for each other.

[Laughs] Oh, God.
Where is that coming from?

I don't know, just every word
you two said to each other.

What?

Look, Darlene, I really like you.

But we're just starting,
and already there's signs

that you and Ben aren't over.

I think I should just step out

and let you guys work through things.

Wait, so you're...
you're breaking it off with me?

You know, maybe after you and
Ben get married and divorced,

we can revisit this,

but for right now...

...I'm gonna go.

[Scoffs] So you... you can't even handle

a little trash talking?

What happened to all the Zen nonsense

about going with the flow?

Fine. Take off, loser.

Okay, I no longer want to revisit this.

♪

Mm.

- These are for you.
- Oh.

Is that FTD's "Lie of Omission" bouquet?

I talked with Helen at work,

and she told me that you guys met.

Obviously, when we talked
about me hiring her,

I may have left out one salient detail.

That you were engaged to her?

- That would be the one, yes.
- Mm.

But I broke it off with her
20 years ago.

And you and I have our health,

so let's just rejoice in that.

Well, you have your health now.

Whether or not that continues

will be based on your answers

to the following questions.

Do you still maintain

that Helen is a plain sad-sack?

Hey, you know what, these
flowers could use some water.

- [Chuckles]
- Neville!

How am I supposed to feel
about you working every day

with a woman that you loved
enough to propose to?

But don't love anymore.

The only thing I need from Helen

is that she knows her way around
an animal's intestinal tract.

Oh, I bet she does.

- What is that supposed to mean?
- I don't even know.

I wasn't sure if I was done
being mad or not,

so I just said something.

- I swear I will make this up to you.
- [Sighs]

But for now, how about you
come out and play two-on-two

with me and the boys?

You can foul me as much as you want.

I'm not gonna play, but I'll come watch.

[Groans]

I'm open!

Oh, hey! I hope you don't mind
me coming by.

I got off early and I came
to pick up Logan,

and they insisted I play a quick game.

No, that's a great idea.
I'm gonna play, too.

- She's pretty good.
- Yeah.

I'm pretty good, too.

Played a little ball in high school.

Oh, that's something we have in common.

I played a little ball in college.

I was starting forward
when I met Neville.

You and your mom versus me
and your boyfriend.

I guard Helen.

O-kay. I'll ref so no one

punches someone else in the face.

- I'm open!
- [Screams]

Nice D, Aunt Jackie!

[Screaming]

- [Grunting]
- Are you okay?!

Yeah, no, I'm fine.

Just let me walk it off.

- Ooh! Oh!
- Okay, just stay down a minute.

Here. Let me take a look at your ankle.

No! You're a vet tech.

You don't touch my hocks.

All right. Well, just call me

after the doctor looks at the x-rays.

[Knocks]

Listen, I just wanted to apologize

for stirring things up with
[sarcastically] Nick.

Well, you should.

Uh, I mean, you totally screwed
up my relationship with him.

Is it really a relationship?

You've been on like five dates
with the guy.

What does that have to do with anything?

I was stupid enough
to fall in love with you

after only like two dates.

That's 'cause I'm fabulous.

Unlike Nick.

I mean, what kind of loser lives
in a store he doesn't own?

Oh, Nick's a loser?

You were such a jerk
that Heather ran out of there

- like she was on fire.
- [Scoffs]

Well, I believe that was
more your doing,

unable to let go of things that
happened between us months ago.

Oh, no. I have let go.

That's why it's crazy that Nick thought

that you and I were still in love.

That's why he broke up with me.

He broke up with you?

Yeah.

[Sighs]

Why would he say that?

You're not still harboring some
secret feelings for me, are you?

Mm, no. I got nothing left
in the harbor.

It was wiped out by
the hurricane of your deceit.

Yeah, well, I don't either.

I can honestly say that
I hope you find somebody.

Oh, thanks.

Anything you want to say to me?

Oh, sure, yes.

I can honestly say that

[laughing] I don't wish you on anybody.

See, that's why I'm healthier than you,

because I really do
hope you find somebody

that you truly love.

And that that person gives you
the most virulent strain

- of herpes this world has ever seen.
- [Laughs]

Oh, man, just knowing
that you care means a lot.

Are you done talking?

'Cause you are giving me
a terrific headache

on top of this hangover.

[Laughs] Well, let me help.

I, uh... I still remember
your vegan hangover cure.

Now, it's red pepper, garlic,
broccoli, coconut water, right?

Yeah. Thanks.

Uh, don't put too much red pepper in.

It makes me nauseous.

Yeah, I know exactly how much
red pepper to give you.

♪

Oh.

- How you doing, Jackie?
- All good.

The doctor insisted on the boot
as a precaution,

but I'll be right as rain by tomorrow.

Okay, great.

Um, the boys want to go to
dinner at Dave & Buster's.

- Can you make that?
- No, but you go ahead.

- Okay.
- I'll stay.

No, no. Go ahead.

Well, all right,
but I'll come right back,

and I'll bring you some dinner.

Okay. I look forward to the doggy bag.

[Laughs]

Wow, you and I having dinner together.

- It's like old times.
- Yeah. Hmm.

[Door closes]

[Grunts]

Wow. What happened?!

I don't know! Freakiest thing...

Neville's assistant ran in here

and broke a vase and then ran out.

- [Clears throat]
- I think she's jealous of me.

Why are you dragging me in here?

I've seen the bed,
and it's an abomination.

Because of this.

[Psychedelic music plays]

You're doing so much for everybody else,

you deserve a night to yourself.

I'm gonna spend the night
down in the basement

and mind Beverly Rose
so you can just chill.

Oh!

Thanks, Dad.

♪

♪