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[Sniffles]

Oh, thank God.

Please tell me you picked
up my antihistamines.

I love you.

- Damn it, Dan.
- I'm sorry.

I was over at the funeral
home with my crew,

looking at what we need for the demo

and rebuild for Darlene,
and I totally spaced.

Look, I-I asked you yesterday,
I reminded you today.

Even Beverly Rose knew
I wasn't feeling well.

She came over with her toy stethoscope

and listened to my lungs
and just shook her head.

I don't think Beverly Rose
should making a diagnosis.

The Lanford Little Friends

is one of the worst-ranked toddler
med schools in the country.

Hey, look, as soon as the
construction crew leaves,

I'll run out and get your medicine.

No, never mind. I'll go myself.

Something else will just come
up and you'll forget again.

But if I have a sneezing
fit and drive off a bridge,

I'm gonna come back
every hay fever season

and haunt your old ass.

[Door closes]

Okay, daughter number two,

the construction crew's on its way over

with a list of materials
you're gonna need.

Wow. I have a construction crew.

It's starting to feel real.

What are you working on there?

Oh, I'm just going over my finances.

Even with the construction loan

and taking over Blansky's mortgage,

my housing might actually cost less

than the rent I'm paying
to my current slumlord.

I don't think it's fair to call me that.

Real slumlords make money.

I think you're a great slumlord, Dad.

I told you I needed a
window in my bathroom,

and you put a painting of a
window in there the next day.

Now I can see the Aegean
Sea from my toilet.

All right, just one last calculation.

I want to see what my
property tax is gonna be.

[Keyboard clacks]

Holy crap.

It's gonna be like $6,000 a year.

Taxes suck. But ever since
I put down 11 dependents,

my paycheck is much bigger.

Well, and don't forget about
all your insurance, too.

You got your mortgage,
flood, fire, homeowner's.

Oh, man, I didn't
figure in any of those.

Dad, do you have all that stuff?

I wish.

I gamed the system by not
having anything of value.

Okay, Becky, I held the
line on your rent control

for nearly five minutes,

but it's time to double your rent.

If you're gonna gouge me,
I might as well live at the Ritz.

You wanna live in a fancy hotel, honey?

No, I'll miss Grandpa.

If we're at a fancy hotel,

Mommy can find a rich Grandpa to date

who will buy you a pony.

Okay.

Ah, hey, here they are, Darlene.

Here's your construction crew.

Of what?

The pyramids?

These gentlemen all gave me my start.

You remember everybody.

- Hey, guys.
- How you doing?

Always went above and
beyond for these guys,

and now they're gonna return the favor.

Yeah, we're more than happy
to help Dan's daughter

get her dream home.

Mind if I sit down?

After a long day of dialysis,

that walk from the door
kind of took it out of me.

You ought to try some
of my copper bracelets.

They really boosted my energy.

I don't fall asleep at traffic lights

and wake up to find myself rolling
through intersections anymore.

I'll tell you what. Why don't you
guys head over to Casita Bonita

and we'll go over the
materials list there?

Lunch is on me.

Sounds Mexican. No thanks.

Last time I had chili, it cost
me two feet of my colon.

Boo-hoo. I got a pig aorta.

Come on. Let's go.

See you over there.

[Grunts]

- Those guys can't demo a house.
- [Door closes]

They can't even digest food.

They're free.

You can't afford to be picky.

Here's hoping when the Grim Reaper

swings his sickle at one of those guys,

he'll miss and knock
a wall down instead.

Great, now on top of all
the taxes and insurance,

I'm gonna have to hire
some younger guys?

I'm about to sign papers,

and I can't afford to do
all the stuff we planned.

I have to make some more money.

Well, you've been at Wellman's
for, what, a couple years now?

Go in there and ask for a raise.

Hey. Yes. The time is right.

You know, all these companies
are desperately trying

to hang on to the employees
that they've got.

Oh, yeah, that's true.
I mean, I screw up all the time,

and they still keep me around at my job.

I told them I was taking
the trash out two hours ago,

but really, I just came
here to get food.

Oh, God. I gotta get back.
I'm gonna miss my lunch break.

Well, under my management,

- production efficiency went up 15%.
- [Door opens, closes]

Hey, that's pretty good.
Is that worth a raise?

Yeah, I think it's pretty good,

considering there's no such
thing as production efficiency.

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

[Knock on door]

- Got a minute?
- Yep.

Yeah. Fine.

[Sighs] We have got to do
something about Sleepy Kevin.

He dozed off in a box
of packing peanuts,

woke up on a truck halfway to Moline.

He was this close to being frozen

in the belly of a FedEx plane.

Okay. Okay.

I will put Cokehead Annie next
to Sleepy Kevin on the line,

and her mindless jabbering
will keep him awake.

Done.

That kind of creative
thinking deserves a raise,

don't you think?

Well, sure. But you're not getting one.

Why not?

I've been here for almost two years.

I've increased production
efficiency by 27%.

I haven't taken home any
toilet paper or bottled water

in like a year.

When I measured the copy machine

to see if it would fit in my car,
I knew I had a problem.

If it didn't fit in my car,
it's not gonna fit in yours.

Look, you deserve a raise.

And so do I.

But the only people getting
them are the line workers

so they won't quit.

What, so I can't afford to get a house

because we have to hold
on to Cokehead Annie?

She does the work of four people,

but she does it wrong.

You coming in here does
give me an idea, though.

If we go in together
and threaten to quit,

they'd have to give it to us.

Whoa.

Threaten to quit?

What if they let us?

They can't afford to lose us both.

After all, we've upped
production efficiency by 38%.

No, 27%.

The number I made up is better.

So, you with me?

Well, I trust you like
I trust my family.

That's not a good thing,

so I'm gonna go run
it by some strangers.

I'm gonna test your reflexes.

Okay, Doc. Go for it.

[Giggles]

Oop!

Your parts are all mixed up.

You know what fixes that?

A sip of Grandpa's medicine.

Mommy says beer doesn't fix anything.

She's right.

- Money fixes everything.
- [Door opens]

And for proof, here's a
dollar not to tell Mom

I asked you to hand me my beer.

I just need a minute to change

and then I'll be ready
to go to the concert.

I can't go, honey.

- What? Wh...
- I sent you a text.

- Didn't you get it?
- No.

Hey, come on.

We've been planning to see
Bachman-Turner Overdrive

for over a month.

What's going on?

Becky's study group realized

they were working on
the wrong assignment

- and they need to start over...
- [Sighs]

... so I'm watching
Beverly Rose for her.

I sent the text to Chuck.

He wrote back,
"I spent the day with you.

I've gotten my fill of old white guys."

I was really looking forward to this.

Well, we'll see BTO another time.

We can't see BTO another time.

The only business they're taking care of

is getting their affairs in order.

We'll see another band. It's fine.

I'm upset, Dan, and...
and you're just acting

like it's no big deal.

What do you expect me to do?

Drop my granddaughter
off at the fire station

- so I can go to a concert?
- I-I didn't say that.

Well, what the hell are you saying?

'Cause I'm saying it's more important

for my daughter to get a degree

than it is for me to go to a concert.

Uh, th-that's not fair.

Well, no, what's not fair is everybody
needs something from me,

- and I'm only one person.
- You know what?

I am not getting into a screaming
match with you over this.

We're still talking.
Where are you going?

She's mad at you.
You should give her a dollar.

Unlearn that immediately.

Okay.

♪

Hey. You get the raise?

No. The company's strapped.

Robin wants me to
threaten to quit with her

because she says it
gives us more leverage,

but how can I take that risk?

I think I'm gonna have to tell her no.

Risks are a part of life.

You have to be fearless.

Roseanne and I, we took a big leap

when we opened our loose meat place.

But that went bust.

Well, yeah, but that's
your mother's fault,

because she's not here
to defend herself.

This hurts to say, but Jackie's right.

You can't get ahead unless
you take some chances.

That's why I started the bike shop

when your mom and I had nothing.

But that went bust, too.

Yes, and I'd do it again because
I don't have to sit around

wondering whether I could've
run a successful bike shop.

Now I know I can't.

Hard to believe neither of
you is a motivational speaker.

Honey, the point is,
if you're too afraid to try,

you'll never know whether
you could've gotten the raise

or could've gotten the house.

[Sighs] God, I want that house so bad.

Take it from an old man.

It's easier to live with
failure than regret.

I wouldn't listen to these
two "Shark Tank" rejects.

Robin's really smart.

If she thinks you can get
a raise, I'd go for it.

Yeah, maybe.

I mean, one of the Conners
has to succeed eventually.

- It's the law of averages.
- [Door opens]

Like going to a tropical island

and being killed by a falling coconut.

There's no reason that
can't happen to me, right?

Eh.

You think Louise is okay?

I've been calling her.
She's not picking up.

Probably avoiding you.

Uh, let me call.

I married you guys, for God's sakes.

- She'll answer for me.
- Mm.

[Line ringing]

LOUISE: Who is this?

It's the woman who married you.

I never married a woman.

I-I mean, I dabbled in the '70s.

Where are you, hon? I'm worried.

I'm at the funeral home.

I just need a little time to myself.

I'm gonna sleep here tonight.

Good night.

- [Call ends]
- Mm.

I'm going over there.

We've never had a fight where
she just walked out on me.

Dan, she just told you she
doesn't want to see you.

You're just gonna make it worse.

I tell you that all the time
and it doesn't work.

Well, I know you don't mean it.

Oh, but I do.

Get out.

See?

This is our thing we do, right here.

♪

- Hey.
- Oh, hey.

Uh, cremation, huh?

Might as well know what you're in for.

Even if my dad told you

you're gonna have a
really beautiful funeral,

it was always gonna be
fire and a cardboard box.

Did your dad send you over
here to apologize for him?

No. I wanted to say sorry for
screwing up your date night.

Don't be mad at him.

He was just helping me
out 'cause I was in a jam.

Look, I love that he's generous
and always wants to help,

but you don't seem to
realize he has a wife now.

He does?

I thought all the women's
underwear in the wash

were thrown at him by his fans.

We know he has a wife.

Do you?

'Cause every time one
of you needs something,

you expect your dad to drop
everything and take care of you.

And the thing he usually drops is me.

[Sighs]

We're family, Louise.

I'm family, too.

Then you should know
that when we're in crisis,

we survive by undercutting each other

so that our crisis gets
taken care of first.

Babysitting isn't exactly a crisis.

And now he's gonna be busy building
that house for you and Darlene,

I'm never gonna see him.

Building the house was your idea!

I was being nice.

Well, you made a mistake! Move on!

I do not want to fight.

I'm leaving.

You cannot just walk out
in the middle of a fight!

How are we gonna know who wins?

♪

This is a huge mistake.

Would you relax?

We have to be cool and confident.

We deserve this raise.

You know who doesn't get a raise?

The fidgety and sweaty.

I can't help it.

My low self-esteem is
shooting out my armpits.

You know, I'm going.

You have got to start
believing in yourself.

This is a pivotal moment in your life,

and you will never forgive
yourself if you walk out.

Okay, you're right.

I'm just terrified I'm gonna
say the wrong thing.

Just follow my lead, and try
not to sweat through the chair.

So, what can I do for you two?

Well, Marcus, it's no secret

that Darlene and I make an
effective management team.

This year, we've increased
production efficiency by 54%.

Isn't that what you said, Darlene?

Uh... yeah. Uh, 54% sounds right.

Even I'm impressed when I hear it.

Together, we've created
a steadying influence

during a time of personnel upheaval.

So much upheaval.

Too much, really. [Chuckles]

That's why we both would like
our first raise in years,

and if our request isn't met,

we have no other choice
but to resign immediately.

Is that how you feel, too, Darlene?

Mm-hmm.

Well, I'm just gonna say it...

You both deserve a raise.

Oh. Thank you.

And I really hope that
compliment holds you over,

because I just can't give you a raise.

All the money's been allocated

to keep the line workers from quitting.

What, so we can't get a raise

'cause you have to hold on to
Cokehead Annie at all costs?

She's the first one in
and last one to leave.

Well, yeah, she lives here.
Her house went up her nose.

Well, whoever's pee I'm
testing is coming back clean.

[Chuckles] Anyway,

I know you'll be an asset to
whatever company you work for.

Good luck.

[Chuckles] Okay, all right.

Yeah, now we've stated
our bargaining positions.

Now it's time to haggle.

No. [Chuckles] No haggling.

Thank you for your service.

I think that's just for people
in the armed forces.

Well, I didn't mean it anyway.

So, please see yourselves out.

Well, that's step one.

Step one?

There are no other steps.

He just let us quit.

Oh, my God.

What am I gonna do?

I don't have a job.

I'm not gonna be able to get that house.

I-I let my kids down and my family,

and this is all because of you.

You told me I was valuable.

You told me to believe in myself.

What kind of stupid advice is that?

Look, I don't know how I'm gonna
save Darlene extra money

so you can go hire younger guys.

I'm already getting her
all the materials at cost.

Maybe we skip the eight-foot ceilings.

[Chuckles] She's a munchkin.

Seven-foot ceilings will make her feel

like she's in Westminster Abbey.

What about Becky?

- She's regular human size.
- [Door opens]

Mm. Okay. We're done.

Go on. Beat it. Scram!

- Yep.
- Go!

- All right!
- Hi, babe.

Uh, Becky told me you
were on your way over,

so I'm making a meal

- for my special lady.
- [Refrigerator door closes]

Hear that, Ben?

You're special.

Hey.

I know I blew it with the concert.

I'm sorry.

Can't we put it behind us?

Dan, it's never gonna be behind us.

This is how you are with the family.

You are constantly
putting out their fires.

And I don't want to
have to create a fire

just to get your attention.

Are you really asking me
to stop helping my kids?

[Scoffs] Of course not.

I just want to feel like I'm as
much a priority as they are.

You are a priority.

Am I?

Did you ask Becky to try
to find someone else

before you said yes to watching her kid?

No, I did not.

All right.

So, look, here's the deal...

don't stop helping your kids.

Just change the equation

so that you factor me in
more than you do right now.

If someone asks you to do
something, ask yourself,

"Am I the only one who could do this,

or would I rather get laid tonight?"

Got it.

The kids are dead to me.

[Chuckles]

Not now.

♪

[Exhales sharply]

You need to chill.

You're pacing so hard,

my smartwatch is picking up your steps.

Marcus is probably meeting
with the partners right now,

going over the numbers

in order to make our raises work.

Did you eat the worm?

Right now, they are going
up and down the line

looking for two people

who can pass a background check

and a drug test to replace us.

I hired most of those people.
I think we're safe.

Ha-ha-ha.

You think your jokes
are funny right now?

Do you see me laughing?

Now that you're no longer my boss,

I can tell you that I always laughed,

but your jokes were never funny.

Well, let me tell you that,

now that I'm no longer your boss,

I knew they weren't funny.

I just wanted to see you suck up to me.

All right, that's it. I'm gonna cave.

I'm going to beg for my
job back at my old salary.

You think you've seen sucking up?

That was amateur hour.

Wait.

We still have all the leverage.

You just need to show some
backbone a little while longer.

If we had any leverage, they
would have given us the raise

in the office, or... or on
our way down to the car,

or the last two hours
that we've been here.

We're gonna be sweeping up hair

at Super Duper Cuts a year from now

with you saying, "They're
gonna be calling any minute."

What? No ridiculous overconfidence?

No "We've got them right
where we want them"?

Well, you've made some good points.

What? No! No!

Tell me I'm hysterical!

Yes, okay, you are.

I'm just saying you might
have something there.

[Scoffs]

- [Bottle thuds]
- All right, I-I'm going to grovel.

Are you coming?

Seems like the prudent thing to do.

Maybe if we go in and beg together,

we'll have more leverage.

Shut up!

- [Cellphone chimes]
- Ah.

Here it is.

[Laughing]

They're giving me the raise.

[Country music playing]

♪

Maybe it went into your spam folder.

No, it's just hundreds of e-mails

reminding me that I have
$6 in Old Navy Cash.

Hopefully, I can use it to buy food.

Well, this is awkward.

I hate you so much.

You've destroyed my life,

and I'm gonna spend the
rest of my waking hours

hoping that you fail
at everything you do.

[Cellphone chimes]

Yes! I got it!

Yes!

[Clears throat] Now that
you are my boss again,

I would like to say that
I-I actually do think

your jokes are pretty funny.

Shut up.

♪

Hey, Darlene!

I didn't hear your car in the driveway!

I took an Uber. Long story.

Well, did you get the raise?

Okay. Uh, I got it. I got the raise.

[Loudly] You got the raise?

_

[All cheering]

See?

We knew you got the raise all along.

Wow. I-I had a couple dark moments,

but it's great to know that
you guys had faith in me.

- Yeah.
- Oh, that is so sweet.

We wrote something on both sides.

_

ALL: Yay!

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