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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:04,162 WWW.MY-SUBS.CO 1 00:00:01,100 --> 00:00:03,579 - Synced & corrected by MementMori - -- www.MY-SUBS.com -- 2 00:00:03,580 --> 00:00:05,019 DAN: Ask around, look on the Internet. 3 00:00:05,020 --> 00:00:08,240 I'm telling you, they've already got punctureless tires, 4 00:00:08,250 --> 00:00:10,500 and they've been hiding it from us since the 1920s. 5 00:00:10,520 --> 00:00:12,580 Did you ever see one of those Keystone Kops movies 6 00:00:12,600 --> 00:00:13,849 where they're chasing bootleggers? 7 00:00:13,850 --> 00:00:17,940 40 cops hanging off of one truck, never a blowout. 8 00:00:17,960 --> 00:00:19,280 Never. 9 00:00:19,300 --> 00:00:22,390 Okay, who gave the Michelin Man an energy drink 10 00:00:22,400 --> 00:00:23,983 first thing in the morning? 11 00:00:23,990 --> 00:00:27,236 That drink was in the fridge, and it had my name on it, Dan. 12 00:00:27,240 --> 00:00:30,155 Community property, baby. I left half in there for you. 13 00:00:30,160 --> 00:00:32,430 Actually, I drank the other half. 14 00:00:32,440 --> 00:00:34,493 It's cute you think there's rules. 15 00:00:35,390 --> 00:00:36,560 Hey, everyone. 16 00:00:36,580 --> 00:00:38,030 Yes, yes, it is me. 17 00:00:38,040 --> 00:00:40,070 The guy from the Olinsky Hardware commercial 18 00:00:40,090 --> 00:00:41,220 you all know and love, 19 00:00:41,230 --> 00:00:43,711 playing on the pumps at the Stop 'N Gas! 20 00:00:45,010 --> 00:00:47,570 Oh, my God. It's really you? 21 00:00:47,580 --> 00:00:49,920 Here, just make it out to Darlene... 22 00:00:49,930 --> 00:00:52,320 - Ah. - ... the woman who is so sad 23 00:00:52,330 --> 00:00:54,597 - that you're so excited about this. - Mm. 24 00:00:54,600 --> 00:00:56,620 For your information, the gas pump ads 25 00:00:56,630 --> 00:00:58,150 have been a great promotion for us. 26 00:00:58,160 --> 00:01:01,186 We've increased our sales by 25%. 27 00:01:01,190 --> 00:01:04,010 Oh, man. I could use that at The Lunch Box. 28 00:01:04,020 --> 00:01:07,040 Now that football season's over and basketball season's going, 29 00:01:07,060 --> 00:01:09,320 everybody's hanging out at The Drink and Dribble. 30 00:01:09,330 --> 00:01:11,947 Oh, yeah. That's where The Squat and Gobble used to be. 31 00:01:11,950 --> 00:01:14,140 I miss the old Squat and Gobble. 32 00:01:14,150 --> 00:01:15,469 That place would still be going 33 00:01:15,470 --> 00:01:17,119 if they'd have had chairs in the joint. 34 00:01:18,280 --> 00:01:20,340 Hey, Jackie, I can make you a gas pump commercial 35 00:01:20,350 --> 00:01:21,370 like mine, no problem. 36 00:01:21,380 --> 00:01:22,589 We can shoot the whole thing on my phone. 37 00:01:22,590 --> 00:01:24,501 Really? Could I come up with the concept? 38 00:01:24,510 --> 00:01:27,280 Sure, yeah. It just has to be under 15 seconds 39 00:01:27,290 --> 00:01:29,882 or you get cut off by the Sasquatch eating a Slim Jim. 40 00:01:31,060 --> 00:01:32,210 Excuse me. 41 00:01:32,220 --> 00:01:34,600 I was just upstairs grabbing more stuff to take to Aldo's, 42 00:01:34,620 --> 00:01:37,190 and why is there a dining room set on my side of the bedroom? 43 00:01:37,200 --> 00:01:38,840 Oh, I'm sorry, honey. 44 00:01:38,860 --> 00:01:41,640 Now that Darlene and Becky are moving out, 45 00:01:41,660 --> 00:01:43,950 I-I thought I'd bring some more of my stuff over 46 00:01:43,970 --> 00:01:46,065 and downgrade to a smaller storage unit. 47 00:01:46,070 --> 00:01:50,510 Interesting how Louise is slowly taking over the house. 48 00:01:50,520 --> 00:01:51,987 She's my wife. 49 00:01:51,990 --> 00:01:54,907 What exactly are you doing over here? 50 00:01:54,910 --> 00:01:59,119 I'm the wise elder everybody comes to for answers. 51 00:02:00,540 --> 00:02:04,416 Look, Louise is too nice to say this, but I'm not. 52 00:02:04,420 --> 00:02:06,140 She's not trying to take over anything. 53 00:02:06,150 --> 00:02:07,990 She's just trying to carve out some space 54 00:02:08,000 --> 00:02:11,660 in a house overrun with 40-year-old step-grown-ups. 55 00:02:11,680 --> 00:02:13,967 She just wants some privacy with her husband. 56 00:02:13,970 --> 00:02:15,600 Well, we're all on the same page. 57 00:02:15,620 --> 00:02:17,280 None of us want to accidentally see 58 00:02:17,300 --> 00:02:19,390 what you two need privacy for. 59 00:02:20,070 --> 00:02:24,144 But I-I can't find a decent house in this city that I can afford. 60 00:02:24,150 --> 00:02:25,570 Wait, you're a Conner. 61 00:02:25,580 --> 00:02:27,820 You're supposed to buy something you can't afford 62 00:02:27,840 --> 00:02:30,480 and then wake up every night for the next 30 years 63 00:02:30,500 --> 00:02:31,750 with your heart racing. 64 00:02:31,760 --> 00:02:33,860 Huh. It ain't my heart. That's GERD. 65 00:02:34,840 --> 00:02:37,190 I'm just gonna have to start looking further out. 66 00:02:37,200 --> 00:02:39,650 Maybe it's time to let go of that dream of a place 67 00:02:39,660 --> 00:02:41,870 overlooking the Lanford salvage yard. 68 00:02:41,880 --> 00:02:44,260 Hey, I'm a part of this, too. 69 00:02:44,270 --> 00:02:46,280 I know house prices are lower 70 00:02:46,300 --> 00:02:48,230 the farther away you get from Chicago, 71 00:02:48,240 --> 00:02:50,000 but how far can you go? 72 00:02:50,010 --> 00:02:52,214 Eventually, it's just, like, Missouri, right? 73 00:02:52,220 --> 00:02:55,780 Whoa. I can't have Becky moving any further out. 74 00:02:55,790 --> 00:02:57,700 She's already late three times a week 75 00:02:57,710 --> 00:02:59,722 and she only lives a few blocks away. 76 00:02:59,730 --> 00:03:01,724 That reminds me. I'm gonna be late today. 77 00:03:01,730 --> 00:03:05,227 See? This is what I'm talking about. I just... 78 00:03:05,230 --> 00:03:07,390 I feel overwhelmed over there. 79 00:03:07,400 --> 00:03:10,899 It's like I'm trying to brush the ocean back with a broom. 80 00:03:10,900 --> 00:03:12,780 Yeah, you're the wise elder. 81 00:03:12,800 --> 00:03:14,194 I'm sure you'll figure it out. 82 00:03:16,340 --> 00:03:22,300 ♪ 83 00:03:22,320 --> 00:03:29,860 ♪ 84 00:03:29,880 --> 00:03:37,120 ♪ 85 00:03:37,140 --> 00:03:44,340 ♪ 86 00:03:44,360 --> 00:03:49,860 ♪ 87 00:03:53,760 --> 00:03:56,528 - [Knock on door] - [Groans] 88 00:03:56,530 --> 00:03:58,829 That's not good. Nobody knocks on our door in the afternoon 89 00:03:58,830 --> 00:04:01,575 unless they expect to find us home. 90 00:04:01,580 --> 00:04:04,680 It's Blansky, the cemetery guy. 91 00:04:04,700 --> 00:04:06,480 He must smell death around us. 92 00:04:06,490 --> 00:04:09,249 Does anybody have a cough they haven't been able to shake? 93 00:04:10,840 --> 00:04:12,420 Hey, Don! How's it going? 94 00:04:12,430 --> 00:04:13,440 I'm okay. 95 00:04:13,460 --> 00:04:15,714 Hey, how come I never see you around these days? 96 00:04:15,720 --> 00:04:17,883 You're at the cemetery. 97 00:04:17,890 --> 00:04:20,594 That's what I mean. Stop eating so healthy. 98 00:04:22,570 --> 00:04:24,360 Uh... 99 00:04:24,380 --> 00:04:26,190 I haven't had the pleasure. 100 00:04:26,200 --> 00:04:29,200 Hi, Don. I'm Louise, Dan's wife. 101 00:04:29,210 --> 00:04:32,314 And he doesn't die till I'm done with him. 102 00:04:32,320 --> 00:04:34,600 Oh, well, hello. 103 00:04:34,620 --> 00:04:36,485 Somebody made a deal with the devil. 104 00:04:36,490 --> 00:04:39,571 Uh, but I'm actually here for another reason. 105 00:04:39,580 --> 00:04:43,320 I heard through my realtor that Darlene was looking for a house? 106 00:04:43,330 --> 00:04:44,810 Yeah, stop right there, Don. 107 00:04:44,820 --> 00:04:47,380 Don't try to convince me that a crypt is a tiny house. 108 00:04:47,390 --> 00:04:49,280 Ah, I've got something better. 109 00:04:49,290 --> 00:04:51,560 You know my funeral home down on Pulaski? 110 00:04:51,580 --> 00:04:53,520 Well, business is so good, 111 00:04:53,530 --> 00:04:55,087 I'm moving into a bigger space. 112 00:04:55,090 --> 00:04:56,980 Mm, well, don't expand too fast. 113 00:04:56,990 --> 00:04:59,260 Who knows? People around here could start wearing masks 114 00:04:59,280 --> 00:05:01,130 and eating right. 115 00:05:01,140 --> 00:05:03,554 Anyway, it's a small Victorian, 116 00:05:03,560 --> 00:05:05,130 and it only became a funeral home 117 00:05:05,140 --> 00:05:07,474 when my grandfather opened the cemetery in the 1920s. 118 00:05:07,480 --> 00:05:09,170 I've been in that place. 119 00:05:09,180 --> 00:05:11,645 Did some drywall work for your dad. It's beautiful. 120 00:05:11,650 --> 00:05:14,070 Look, we really appreciate you stopping by 121 00:05:14,080 --> 00:05:16,480 - and making our day weird, Don. - Mm-hmm. 122 00:05:16,490 --> 00:05:20,000 But Darlene and I really aren't in the market for a funeral home, 123 00:05:20,010 --> 00:05:22,120 but if you hear of a converted slaughterhouse, 124 00:05:22,140 --> 00:05:23,657 give us a ring. Bye-bye. 125 00:05:23,660 --> 00:05:25,617 Don't rule it out. 126 00:05:25,620 --> 00:05:28,700 It's like me. It's adorable, well-maintained, 127 00:05:28,710 --> 00:05:31,080 and won't be on the market for long. 128 00:05:35,010 --> 00:05:37,140 Take care of yourself, guy. But not too good! 129 00:05:39,140 --> 00:05:41,330 Listen, he wouldn't be sniffing around here 130 00:05:41,340 --> 00:05:42,580 if he had a ton of buyers. 131 00:05:42,600 --> 00:05:44,640 You may be able to get this place for a song. 132 00:05:44,660 --> 00:05:46,920 Yeah, because it's full of ghosts! 133 00:05:46,940 --> 00:05:49,410 I'm not raising my kid in a funeral home. 134 00:05:49,420 --> 00:05:52,352 Look, it's not my dream house either, but Dad's right. 135 00:05:52,360 --> 00:05:56,023 It's close by, and I-I don't believe in spirits lingering in a house. 136 00:05:56,030 --> 00:05:59,350 Do you believe in adult children lingering in a house? 137 00:05:59,360 --> 00:06:00,920 'Cause that's what I'm trying to fix. 138 00:06:00,930 --> 00:06:02,112 Go look at the place. 139 00:06:02,970 --> 00:06:04,420 ♪ 140 00:06:04,440 --> 00:06:07,240 Okay, so all I did was stand behind the counter at my store 141 00:06:07,260 --> 00:06:10,760 and say, "Hi, I'm Ben Olinsky from Olinsky's Hardware. 142 00:06:10,770 --> 00:06:12,590 Come on down for everything you might need 143 00:06:12,600 --> 00:06:14,750 for your home, car, or RV. 144 00:06:14,760 --> 00:06:17,070 And I don't know why we call it 'hardware,' 145 00:06:17,080 --> 00:06:20,040 because when you come in, I make it easy." 146 00:06:20,050 --> 00:06:22,150 Huh? Just do something like that. 147 00:06:22,170 --> 00:06:24,760 It's just simple with a touch of genius. 148 00:06:24,770 --> 00:06:27,879 Okay, here's something that won't put you to sleep 149 00:06:27,880 --> 00:06:28,972 with the pump in your hand. 150 00:06:28,980 --> 00:06:33,936 All right. We're gonna start on a regular metal lunch box, 151 00:06:33,940 --> 00:06:35,960 and a hand comes in, opens it up, 152 00:06:35,980 --> 00:06:39,107 and the entire Lunch Box restaurant is inside 153 00:06:39,110 --> 00:06:40,640 with all the customers and everything. 154 00:06:40,660 --> 00:06:44,196 And then the camera swoops over to a bowl of stew, 155 00:06:44,200 --> 00:06:46,200 and I'm in the stew 156 00:06:46,210 --> 00:06:49,240 and I'm swimming across it like Esther Williams. 157 00:06:49,250 --> 00:06:52,720 And then a big spoon comes in and scoops me up, 158 00:06:52,740 --> 00:06:55,080 but before it throws me into the giant mouth, 159 00:06:55,090 --> 00:06:58,510 I say, "Hey, hungry. Don't bite my head off. 160 00:06:58,520 --> 00:07:00,400 Come on down to The Lunch Box. 161 00:07:00,420 --> 00:07:02,798 We'll feed you happy!" 162 00:07:03,970 --> 00:07:06,093 [Laughs] 163 00:07:06,100 --> 00:07:07,177 I love it. 164 00:07:07,180 --> 00:07:09,137 I do, too. I love it. I love it, too. 165 00:07:09,140 --> 00:07:11,098 - I just have one question. - Yes? 166 00:07:11,100 --> 00:07:13,266 Do you have $2 million? 167 00:07:13,270 --> 00:07:15,727 What? You told me you could do the whole thing on your phone. 168 00:07:15,730 --> 00:07:16,770 No, look. 169 00:07:16,780 --> 00:07:19,500 Come on. This is what I can shoot, okay? 170 00:07:20,450 --> 00:07:21,480 Uh... 171 00:07:21,500 --> 00:07:23,860 "Hi, I'm Jackie Harris from The Lunch Box. 172 00:07:23,880 --> 00:07:26,488 Come on down for some heartwarming stew. 173 00:07:26,490 --> 00:07:28,550 I don't know why we call it 'The Lunch Box.' 174 00:07:28,560 --> 00:07:30,080 We should call it 'The Hunch Box,' 175 00:07:30,100 --> 00:07:32,440 'cause I've got a hunch you'll love it." 176 00:07:32,450 --> 00:07:34,980 See, and I'm not even gonna charge you anything for the writing. 177 00:07:36,750 --> 00:07:39,418 I should charge you for having to listen to that. 178 00:07:39,420 --> 00:07:41,586 Hey, come on. This started as a favor. 179 00:07:41,590 --> 00:07:43,200 I know, but you're at an advantage. 180 00:07:43,210 --> 00:07:45,370 People need hardware. They don't need stew. 181 00:07:45,380 --> 00:07:47,000 I've got to move people into the place 182 00:07:47,020 --> 00:07:48,590 and I've got to do it now! 183 00:07:48,600 --> 00:07:50,429 All right. All right, all right. 184 00:07:50,430 --> 00:07:52,349 - I'm... I'm... I'm about ready to... - Listen... 185 00:07:52,350 --> 00:07:53,860 Okay, just... 186 00:07:55,440 --> 00:07:58,850 Do you have anything that's just a little less grand? 187 00:07:58,870 --> 00:08:00,210 Yes, of course. 188 00:08:00,220 --> 00:08:04,680 Okay, now, it's Mount Ve-stew-vius, 189 00:08:04,700 --> 00:08:07,960 and instead of lava coming down, it's stew, 190 00:08:07,980 --> 00:08:11,820 and people are running towards it with bowls and spoons. 191 00:08:11,840 --> 00:08:15,000 So, what do you think? 192 00:08:16,250 --> 00:08:17,497 - Huh. - [Laughs] 193 00:08:18,310 --> 00:08:21,700 I think I can't see what you're seeing 194 00:08:21,720 --> 00:08:25,213 until I take whatever you're taking. 195 00:08:25,220 --> 00:08:28,040 ♪ 196 00:08:28,060 --> 00:08:31,060 Look at all the character in this place. 197 00:08:31,070 --> 00:08:32,512 Stained glass windows. 198 00:08:32,520 --> 00:08:33,972 Pressed tin. 199 00:08:33,980 --> 00:08:37,684 This is the original oak floor. 200 00:08:37,690 --> 00:08:40,562 - This place is actually really nice. - Mm-hmm. 201 00:08:40,570 --> 00:08:43,398 It's a shame that the dead people never get to see this. 202 00:08:43,400 --> 00:08:45,070 Well, feel free to look around. 203 00:08:45,080 --> 00:08:46,818 We still have some stuff to box up. 204 00:08:46,820 --> 00:08:48,195 - [Cellphone rings] - Oh. 205 00:08:48,200 --> 00:08:49,860 Probably another offer. 206 00:08:50,640 --> 00:08:51,760 W... 207 00:08:51,780 --> 00:08:54,076 Mom, I'm working right now. 208 00:08:54,080 --> 00:08:55,570 Well, if you want me to come over, 209 00:08:55,600 --> 00:08:57,220 then make the fish sticks. 210 00:08:59,040 --> 00:09:03,293 Wow, this place is way better than anything I've seen. 211 00:09:04,780 --> 00:09:08,131 Holy cow. This place has an elevator! 212 00:09:15,600 --> 00:09:17,850 What's he still doing here? 213 00:09:17,860 --> 00:09:20,820 Is this what happens when the check bounces? 214 00:09:20,840 --> 00:09:23,140 Oh, no! The door's closing by itself! 215 00:09:24,040 --> 00:09:25,840 That's what elevators do. 216 00:09:26,910 --> 00:09:29,820 So, what do you think so far? 217 00:09:29,830 --> 00:09:33,340 I... probably would want to make some small changes, 218 00:09:33,350 --> 00:09:35,367 starting with the body in the elevator. 219 00:09:35,370 --> 00:09:37,920 Okay, there's no body in there, okay? 220 00:09:37,930 --> 00:09:40,497 That's where I'm storing my jazz albums. 221 00:09:40,500 --> 00:09:42,049 Listen, let me save everyone some time, okay? 222 00:09:42,050 --> 00:09:43,680 No one's interested, 223 00:09:43,700 --> 00:09:45,418 and I'm in over my head at the other place, 224 00:09:45,420 --> 00:09:46,920 so here's the deal. 225 00:09:46,930 --> 00:09:48,340 No money down. 226 00:09:48,350 --> 00:09:49,760 You take over the mortgage. 227 00:09:49,780 --> 00:09:51,716 $500 a month, and it's yours. 228 00:09:51,720 --> 00:09:54,620 500 bucks?! 229 00:09:54,630 --> 00:09:56,160 That is so cheap! 230 00:09:56,180 --> 00:09:58,431 I wouldn't even have to pay rent, right? 231 00:09:58,440 --> 00:09:59,920 Sure, but then you get the basement 232 00:09:59,930 --> 00:10:01,850 with the rest of the stiffs. 233 00:10:01,860 --> 00:10:03,050 Make up your mind. 234 00:10:03,060 --> 00:10:05,188 The offer's only good until the fire next Tuesday. 235 00:10:05,189 --> 00:10:07,880 I... Oh, I got to pick up hamburgers. 236 00:10:07,900 --> 00:10:09,470 My mom burned the fish sticks. 237 00:10:09,480 --> 00:10:12,112 Would you lock up when you finish? Thank you. 238 00:10:12,700 --> 00:10:14,080 Oh, you put them in the oven. 239 00:10:14,100 --> 00:10:15,809 You turn the oven on high. How hard is that? 240 00:10:15,810 --> 00:10:17,742 I do it all day long. 241 00:10:17,750 --> 00:10:19,310 [Door closes] 242 00:10:21,440 --> 00:10:23,540 Oh, this is a great idea. 243 00:10:23,550 --> 00:10:25,020 This is where they let the kids play 244 00:10:25,040 --> 00:10:27,002 so they don't have to deal with the funeral. 245 00:10:27,560 --> 00:10:30,040 Oh, wow. You had one of these. 246 00:10:30,880 --> 00:10:32,780 Hey, look. I fit. 247 00:10:32,800 --> 00:10:34,750 And my feet touch the floor. 248 00:10:37,080 --> 00:10:38,500 Oh. 249 00:10:38,520 --> 00:10:40,974 I don't think this is a playroom. 250 00:10:40,980 --> 00:10:42,350 Then what is it? 251 00:10:42,360 --> 00:10:44,920 "Look for Mommy in the Clouds." 252 00:10:44,940 --> 00:10:46,340 "Daddy Will See You Later." 253 00:10:46,350 --> 00:10:49,441 "We're Gone, But We Haven't Stopped Loving You." 254 00:10:49,450 --> 00:10:50,775 Oh, man. 255 00:10:51,490 --> 00:10:54,090 This is the room where they try to console kids 256 00:10:54,110 --> 00:10:55,780 who are overwhelmed by grief. 257 00:10:55,790 --> 00:10:59,390 We've been so creeped out by all the body stuff 258 00:10:59,400 --> 00:11:02,150 that we forgot about all the grief and suffering 259 00:11:02,170 --> 00:11:04,456 that families have felt in this house. 260 00:11:06,630 --> 00:11:08,418 What's "Charlotte's Web" doing here? 261 00:11:08,420 --> 00:11:10,128 Charlotte dies. 262 00:11:10,140 --> 00:11:12,280 Charlotte dies? 263 00:11:13,800 --> 00:11:15,600 Finish a book, Becky. 264 00:11:16,220 --> 00:11:18,637 This is the book I'm reading to Beverly Rose. 265 00:11:19,240 --> 00:11:22,640 We have the drive home to come up with a new ending to the story. 266 00:11:22,650 --> 00:11:25,960 How about, "Charlotte is priced out of the real estate market, 267 00:11:25,980 --> 00:11:27,860 and she has to go live in her dad's web, 268 00:11:27,870 --> 00:11:30,106 like the 8-legged loser that she is." 269 00:11:35,900 --> 00:11:37,800 - That's great stew. - You bet it is. 270 00:11:37,820 --> 00:11:39,209 Why don't you come down and see for yourself? 271 00:11:39,210 --> 00:11:40,939 We'll be here. At The Lunch Box. 272 00:11:40,940 --> 00:11:41,940 - Cut. - No. 273 00:11:41,950 --> 00:11:43,379 - What? That was perfect. - No, I don't know. 274 00:11:43,380 --> 00:11:45,080 I-I don't know. I don't know. 275 00:11:45,100 --> 00:11:47,332 I-I feel a little stiff or something. 276 00:11:47,340 --> 00:11:49,340 - Oh. - I want to come across as warm 277 00:11:49,360 --> 00:11:52,080 - and inviting. - Okay. All right. No problem. 278 00:11:52,620 --> 00:11:53,880 Let's try again. 279 00:11:53,890 --> 00:11:55,800 - Okay. - Ready? 280 00:11:55,810 --> 00:11:58,885 Uh... yeah. 281 00:11:58,890 --> 00:11:59,970 Action. 282 00:12:03,910 --> 00:12:04,920 Mmm! 283 00:12:04,930 --> 00:12:07,560 [Southern accent] I say, how's that stew treating you, Sugar Lump? 284 00:12:10,240 --> 00:12:12,649 [Southern accent] I do declare, there's a hair in this here stew. 285 00:12:12,650 --> 00:12:13,859 - [Normal voice] Okay. - All right, cut. 286 00:12:13,860 --> 00:12:15,735 - Guys, come on. What are we doing? - Oh. 287 00:12:15,740 --> 00:12:19,322 Uh, we're looking for a little thing called "tone." 288 00:12:19,330 --> 00:12:22,380 What you had was good. I am telling you, 289 00:12:22,390 --> 00:12:24,286 - simple sells at the pump. - Yeah. 290 00:12:24,290 --> 00:12:25,760 But it's not good enough. 291 00:12:25,780 --> 00:12:28,665 I mean, I'm killing myself trying to increase sales, 292 00:12:28,670 --> 00:12:30,910 and if we only have 15 seconds to grab an audience, 293 00:12:30,920 --> 00:12:33,919 - then it has to be perfect, right? - Yes, yes. 294 00:12:33,920 --> 00:12:35,220 - All right. - My God! 295 00:12:36,300 --> 00:12:38,099 I want you to be happy with it, 296 00:12:38,100 --> 00:12:39,350 - so here we go. - Yeah. 297 00:12:39,370 --> 00:12:40,385 Ready? 298 00:12:40,390 --> 00:12:42,420 Um... 299 00:12:42,440 --> 00:12:44,040 yeah. 300 00:12:44,050 --> 00:12:45,056 Action. 301 00:12:49,470 --> 00:12:51,560 - That's great stew. - You bet your ass it is, 302 00:12:51,580 --> 00:12:52,749 and if you're the hundredth person 303 00:12:52,750 --> 00:12:55,200 that comes through that door and says, "I want stew," 304 00:12:55,220 --> 00:12:57,444 you're getting a date with this feisty young thing. 305 00:12:57,450 --> 00:12:59,279 You're pimping me for stew? 306 00:12:59,280 --> 00:13:02,198 It's advertising 101. Bait and switch. 307 00:13:02,200 --> 00:13:03,742 Right? Come in for the hot girl, 308 00:13:03,750 --> 00:13:05,560 you get the hot stew. What the... 309 00:13:07,700 --> 00:13:10,332 All right, look. It's your decision, 310 00:13:10,340 --> 00:13:13,190 but it is kind of feeling like you've blurred the line 311 00:13:13,200 --> 00:13:16,421 between diner food and human trafficking. 312 00:13:16,430 --> 00:13:17,756 Okay. 313 00:13:17,760 --> 00:13:20,480 I don't need your moral judgment. You don't get it. 314 00:13:20,490 --> 00:13:23,800 I'm carrying this whole thing on my back, all right? 315 00:13:23,820 --> 00:13:25,600 We all don't get to coast through life 316 00:13:25,610 --> 00:13:27,515 because Daddy handed us a business. 317 00:13:27,520 --> 00:13:29,960 Hey, wait a second. I don't know what your problem is. 318 00:13:29,970 --> 00:13:33,355 - I am here to help you out. - Then stop getting in my way. 319 00:13:33,360 --> 00:13:35,449 Oh, well, you know what? That's the first thing you've pitched 320 00:13:35,450 --> 00:13:38,019 - that I can do. - Oh, great. 321 00:13:38,020 --> 00:13:41,654 That's just great. 322 00:13:41,660 --> 00:13:44,491 I mean, am I crazy?! 323 00:13:44,500 --> 00:13:47,060 You're always crazy, but this is loco grande. 324 00:13:47,070 --> 00:13:48,820 No, you don't understand. 325 00:13:48,830 --> 00:13:49,860 Something's gonna break, 326 00:13:49,880 --> 00:13:52,082 and it's either gonna be me or this business. 327 00:13:52,090 --> 00:13:53,360 No, I understand. 328 00:13:53,370 --> 00:13:55,269 I mean, of everyone in the family, you're my role model 329 00:13:55,270 --> 00:13:56,339 for what you can accomplish 330 00:13:56,340 --> 00:13:57,629 with the dignity of a hard day's work. 331 00:13:57,630 --> 00:14:00,632 Well, thank you. All right, now... 332 00:14:00,640 --> 00:14:02,600 get on the counter and dance. 333 00:14:04,050 --> 00:14:05,678 Where the hell are you going? 334 00:14:05,680 --> 00:14:07,340 Oh! 335 00:14:09,500 --> 00:14:10,689 So what'd you guys think of the house? 336 00:14:10,690 --> 00:14:12,602 Can I call the moving company? 337 00:14:12,610 --> 00:14:16,189 Well, it's beautiful. 338 00:14:16,190 --> 00:14:20,240 They kept the original Victorian feel inside the house, too, 339 00:14:20,250 --> 00:14:22,080 and Blansky offered Darlene the place 340 00:14:22,090 --> 00:14:26,241 for $500 a month, no money down. 341 00:14:26,250 --> 00:14:27,492 But... 342 00:14:28,140 --> 00:14:31,130 "But"? I'm not hearing the "but." 343 00:14:31,140 --> 00:14:32,440 It's too sad. 344 00:14:32,460 --> 00:14:34,150 That's a house with decades 345 00:14:34,170 --> 00:14:36,040 of grief and sorrow baked into it. 346 00:14:36,050 --> 00:14:38,010 Honey, people have died and people have mourned 347 00:14:38,020 --> 00:14:39,420 in any house you're gonna buy. 348 00:14:39,440 --> 00:14:43,080 You throw a coat of paint on it, put your stuff in there, 349 00:14:43,090 --> 00:14:45,385 I'm sure it'll feel completely different. 350 00:14:45,390 --> 00:14:46,929 All right, I didn't really want to do this, 351 00:14:46,930 --> 00:14:49,499 but I found a couple places out in Rockford. 352 00:14:49,500 --> 00:14:51,808 They seem nice, and they're in my price range. 353 00:14:51,810 --> 00:14:53,840 Rockford? That's over an hour away. 354 00:14:53,850 --> 00:14:55,603 We're never gonna see you guys. 355 00:14:55,610 --> 00:14:57,897 Yeah, I don't want to live all the way out there. 356 00:14:57,900 --> 00:15:00,200 You know, for a barnacle, you have a lot of demands. 357 00:15:01,170 --> 00:15:03,319 Dad, an hour is not that far away. 358 00:15:04,300 --> 00:15:06,650 Chicago is only an hour away. 359 00:15:06,660 --> 00:15:08,241 When you lived there, 360 00:15:08,250 --> 00:15:10,452 I missed five years of my grandkids' lives. 361 00:15:10,460 --> 00:15:12,640 Don't make me feel guilty about moving. 362 00:15:12,650 --> 00:15:14,870 I worked really hard to get myself to a place 363 00:15:14,880 --> 00:15:17,010 where I can buy a house. I need to do this now. 364 00:15:17,020 --> 00:15:19,127 Your life. Your decision. 365 00:15:20,380 --> 00:15:22,172 - Mm. - Mommy, 366 00:15:22,180 --> 00:15:24,790 Louise read me the rest of "Charlotte's Web" 367 00:15:24,800 --> 00:15:26,780 while you were gone. 368 00:15:26,800 --> 00:15:27,927 Oh. 369 00:15:28,660 --> 00:15:30,940 I'm sorry, honey. 370 00:15:30,960 --> 00:15:32,891 I know it's sad that she died. 371 00:15:32,900 --> 00:15:35,059 She died? 372 00:15:35,060 --> 00:15:38,130 Not in the version that I read her. 373 00:15:38,140 --> 00:15:42,233 I-In our version, she goes on the road with her rock band. 374 00:15:42,240 --> 00:15:44,319 Oh, right! 375 00:15:44,320 --> 00:15:48,220 She dyed her hair purple, 376 00:15:49,020 --> 00:15:52,110 because when you're in a band, you have to have weird hair. 377 00:15:54,740 --> 00:15:56,660 Okay. 378 00:15:59,510 --> 00:16:01,628 I love this age! 379 00:16:01,630 --> 00:16:03,922 Yeah, but they're not stupid forever. 380 00:16:03,930 --> 00:16:05,820 ♪ 381 00:16:08,880 --> 00:16:11,320 [Chuckles] St. Patrick's Day was a week ago. 382 00:16:11,340 --> 00:16:12,689 Why are you still dressed like that? 383 00:16:12,690 --> 00:16:14,560 Oh, that pub a couple blocks away 384 00:16:14,570 --> 00:16:16,935 is selling green hot dogs for a dollar. 385 00:16:16,940 --> 00:16:21,980 All right, you ready to attack those weenies, you big LepreConner? 386 00:16:22,000 --> 00:16:24,609 - Jackie. - Ben. We need to talk. 387 00:16:24,610 --> 00:16:26,580 Boy, do I know that tone. 388 00:16:26,590 --> 00:16:29,447 Robin, it's time for you to fight the Joker alone. 389 00:16:31,100 --> 00:16:32,640 So, Ben, I'm really sorry. 390 00:16:32,650 --> 00:16:33,999 I shouldn't have said that about your dad. 391 00:16:34,000 --> 00:16:36,371 That was way over the line, 'cause I know how hard you work. 392 00:16:36,380 --> 00:16:38,831 Thank you, Jackie. Apology accepted. 393 00:16:38,840 --> 00:16:40,660 - [Chuckles] - What's going on with you? 394 00:16:40,670 --> 00:16:43,070 Oh, just, here's the deal. 395 00:16:43,080 --> 00:16:46,900 I never wanted anything so bad as having The Lunch Box, 396 00:16:46,910 --> 00:16:49,169 but first I was doing it with Roseanne and then Becky, 397 00:16:49,170 --> 00:16:52,590 and now I'm doing it all alone, and it's 85 hours a week, 398 00:16:52,600 --> 00:16:55,880 and even when I'm not there, I'm just always stressed about it. 399 00:16:55,900 --> 00:16:59,050 Last week, in the middle of me and Neville making love... 400 00:16:59,060 --> 00:17:01,070 - Mm. - ... I shouted, "Oh, God! 401 00:17:01,080 --> 00:17:03,565 My lemon meringue is expired!" 402 00:17:05,780 --> 00:17:07,029 I just want to raise the profits 403 00:17:07,030 --> 00:17:09,580 so I can sell the place and have my life back. 404 00:17:09,600 --> 00:17:12,079 Well, hey, when I first got the hardware store, 405 00:17:12,080 --> 00:17:14,742 I was tearing my hair out. I hated it. 406 00:17:14,750 --> 00:17:16,119 So how did you cope with it? 407 00:17:16,120 --> 00:17:18,640 Well, I found shortcuts. 408 00:17:18,660 --> 00:17:20,420 Do you have payroll software? 409 00:17:20,440 --> 00:17:23,418 Do you have an inventory tracking program on your computer? 410 00:17:24,980 --> 00:17:26,780 - I don't think so. - Yeah. 411 00:17:26,800 --> 00:17:29,591 I guess I would know if I did, right? 412 00:17:29,600 --> 00:17:31,843 Yeah. I learned everything from Roseanne, 413 00:17:31,850 --> 00:17:33,460 so I've got a big stack of napkins 414 00:17:33,470 --> 00:17:35,640 with all my financial stuff scribbled on it. 415 00:17:35,650 --> 00:17:39,060 What I'm hearing is, you want me to update that system. 416 00:17:39,080 --> 00:17:40,184 Yeah. 417 00:17:40,190 --> 00:17:42,639 Yeah, you're working way harder than you have to, 418 00:17:42,640 --> 00:17:44,540 and I can help you set all that stuff up. 419 00:17:44,550 --> 00:17:48,526 I might even be able to get you down to a relaxing 60 hours a week. 420 00:17:48,530 --> 00:17:50,370 Oh, my God! 421 00:17:50,380 --> 00:17:52,710 - That would be fantastic. - Yeah. 422 00:17:52,720 --> 00:17:57,930 'Cause I love The Lunch Box. I got so many memories there. 423 00:17:57,950 --> 00:17:59,940 You know, that's the family business, 424 00:17:59,950 --> 00:18:02,040 and where would I get money, anyway, 425 00:18:02,060 --> 00:18:03,600 if I wanted to start a new business? 426 00:18:03,620 --> 00:18:06,420 My mom's getting old, and I'm running out of time 427 00:18:06,430 --> 00:18:08,713 - to swindle her again. - Ha ha. 428 00:18:08,720 --> 00:18:10,100 Mm. 429 00:18:10,120 --> 00:18:12,900 Any time you feel like it's all too much, 430 00:18:12,920 --> 00:18:14,886 you just give me a call, day or night. 431 00:18:14,890 --> 00:18:17,388 Really? Day or night? 432 00:18:17,390 --> 00:18:19,130 Mm... 433 00:18:19,140 --> 00:18:23,130 Let's say day or... 434 00:18:23,140 --> 00:18:25,730 later in the day. 435 00:18:29,380 --> 00:18:31,527 ♪ 436 00:18:31,530 --> 00:18:34,447 Sorry we're late. Traffic was a nightmare. 437 00:18:34,450 --> 00:18:37,575 So are you girls moving to Rockford? 438 00:18:37,580 --> 00:18:40,680 Maybe. The house was built in the '70s, 439 00:18:40,690 --> 00:18:42,690 so it's got that cottage cheese ceiling, 440 00:18:42,700 --> 00:18:46,550 but that goes perfectly with the gigantic vanity mirror bulbs 441 00:18:46,560 --> 00:18:48,279 in the bathroom, which, by the way, 442 00:18:48,280 --> 00:18:51,120 really light up that avocado-colored toilet. 443 00:18:52,080 --> 00:18:54,590 But it's cheap, so I love it. 444 00:18:56,940 --> 00:18:59,470 You know, I've been thinking. 445 00:18:59,480 --> 00:19:01,683 There might be another way to tackle this. 446 00:19:02,300 --> 00:19:04,039 You're not gonna get another opportunity 447 00:19:04,040 --> 00:19:05,103 like that funeral home. 448 00:19:05,110 --> 00:19:07,380 The only thing you don't like about that house 449 00:19:07,390 --> 00:19:08,439 is the house. 450 00:19:08,440 --> 00:19:09,780 Right. 451 00:19:09,800 --> 00:19:12,180 Well, when you're buying a house, 452 00:19:12,190 --> 00:19:16,114 the house is the important part of the house. 453 00:19:16,120 --> 00:19:18,960 What if you guys tore down the death palace 454 00:19:18,970 --> 00:19:21,990 and then your father built you a new place 455 00:19:22,000 --> 00:19:23,496 on the same property? 456 00:19:23,500 --> 00:19:24,780 Who? What? 457 00:19:25,920 --> 00:19:29,000 You know, Darlene was gonna get a loan to buy a house, 458 00:19:29,010 --> 00:19:30,760 but now with Blansky's offer, 459 00:19:30,780 --> 00:19:33,940 you could spend that money on construction materials 460 00:19:33,960 --> 00:19:37,885 that you could use to build a new house. 461 00:19:37,890 --> 00:19:40,450 I'm sorry, you said "you." 462 00:19:40,470 --> 00:19:44,058 Were you talking to a much younger man behind me? 463 00:19:44,060 --> 00:19:47,979 Are you too feeble to build a house anymore, old man? 464 00:19:47,980 --> 00:19:50,850 Oh, you are a dangerous rapscallion. 465 00:19:50,860 --> 00:19:53,192 Of course I can build a house. 466 00:19:54,280 --> 00:19:55,660 Can you really? 467 00:19:55,670 --> 00:19:57,569 'Cause if you die in a room while you're building it, 468 00:19:57,570 --> 00:19:59,282 we're back to square one. 469 00:20:00,140 --> 00:20:01,325 I can build it. 470 00:20:02,100 --> 00:20:05,300 Oh, my God. I'm getting a brand-new house! 471 00:20:05,320 --> 00:20:06,748 Thank you! 472 00:20:06,750 --> 00:20:09,220 - Oh, this is amazing! - Oh. 473 00:20:09,240 --> 00:20:10,540 And thank you! 474 00:20:10,550 --> 00:20:13,700 I know how much you want our dad all to yourself, 475 00:20:13,720 --> 00:20:17,216 and after you get that, please remember you asked for it. 476 00:20:17,220 --> 00:20:20,449 Let's go call Blansky before he breaks out the gasoline 477 00:20:20,450 --> 00:20:21,763 and oily rags. 478 00:20:22,930 --> 00:20:24,329 - Oh, you're awful good to me. - Oh. 479 00:20:24,330 --> 00:20:25,859 Someday you're gonna have to tell me 480 00:20:25,860 --> 00:20:26,999 what you're getting out of it. 481 00:20:27,000 --> 00:20:28,060 Mm. 482 00:20:28,070 --> 00:20:30,820 Well, when I figure it out, I'll let you know. 483 00:20:31,450 --> 00:20:32,600 And don't worry. 484 00:20:32,620 --> 00:20:34,700 I'll... I'll help you out with the house. 485 00:20:34,720 --> 00:20:37,600 Oh, it'll be so nice. I can see it now. 486 00:20:37,620 --> 00:20:41,240 You up on a ladder with your cutoff shorts and tool belt. 487 00:20:41,250 --> 00:20:44,640 Me looking lovingly up at you, 488 00:20:44,650 --> 00:20:46,400 trapped under a piece of drywall, 489 00:20:46,420 --> 00:20:49,680 clutching my chest from a massive heart attack. 490 00:20:49,700 --> 00:20:51,280 It'll be great. 491 00:20:51,290 --> 00:20:53,360 ♪ 492 00:20:56,240 --> 00:20:57,632 She's gonna blow! 493 00:20:57,640 --> 00:21:00,051 It's Mount Ve-stew-vius. 494 00:21:00,060 --> 00:21:02,000 Everybody grab a spoon and a bowl 495 00:21:02,020 --> 00:21:04,847 and dig into a hearty meal at a great price! 496 00:21:04,850 --> 00:21:08,000 ♪ 497 00:21:08,010 --> 00:21:09,360 Wait. 498 00:21:09,380 --> 00:21:13,564 ♪ 499 00:21:13,570 --> 00:21:16,280 Or nowadays, you can just come on down to The Lunch Box, 500 00:21:16,300 --> 00:21:18,470 where happy hour stew deals are erupting 501 00:21:18,490 --> 00:21:22,240 between 5:00 and 7:00 every day! 502 00:21:22,260 --> 00:21:27,529 ♪ 503 00:21:27,530 --> 00:21:32,530 - Synced & corrected by MementMori - -- www.MY-SUBS.com -- 37944

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