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- Yeah!
- [Cheering]

Hey, there you are!

Wanted you to be here
for the inaugural run

of the Stew-Chew train.

You know, if I was still a partner,

I would say this is totally stupid,

but as a part-time employee,

I'll still say it's stupid,
but you won't have to listen.

You don't get it.

There's a lot of bars

where people can watch the Bears play.

We have got to have
a gimmick to stand out,

and everybody loves those
sushi conveyor-belt places.

You mean the places where
you sit and watch the sushi

go round and round
until it becomes poisonous?

Ugh!

Okay, everybody! Get out your phones.

You're about to witness stew history!

- [Train whistle blows]
- [Laughing hysterically]

[Gasps]

Hey, is my order ready yet?

And if it is,
could you please hand it to me,

as opposed to shooting it at me
with a train?

Oh, looks to me like

that little engineer's been drinking.

And at that size, it only takes them

a thimble of alcohol
to impair their judgment.

What are you doing here?
Are you following me?

No, I'm just getting lunch.

But I know you're moving
into Aldo's soon,

and I would like
to spend some time together.

Is it okay if I sit with you?

I guess I'm the bad guy if I say no.

Let's find out. No.

Come on. I'm gonna miss you.

And I swear, I am done
trying to control your life.

Except for this one, last thing.

You forgot your birth control pills

at the house this morning.

Okay, so that's why you're here.

Why are you going through my stuff?

I was looking to see
if you had any weed,

which I also found,
and that's really why I'm here.

I'm starving.

Okay, I didn't forget them.

I'm just taking a break
because they make me moody.

Have you been taking them
since you were 10?

'Cause I'm pretty sure
that's a pre-existing condition.

Anyway, I really hope
you and Aldo aren't having sex.

Oh, we're having sex... tons of it.

- Yeah!
- Whoo!

That was a really
unfortunate coincidence.

Have you ever noticed that every time

someone tries to push me
in one direction,

I go the other way?

Well, watch this.

I'm done taking these pills.

Have fun worrying.

♪

04x07 - Let's All Push Our Hands Together
for the Stew Train and the Conners Furniture

♪

♪

♪

♪

Hey, Louise, I just got a tweet
that your band's going on tour.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

We're gonna do a few weeks
in Memphis and Nashville.

I love those cities,
and I didn't want to miss it.

Even though it's gonna be hard

being away from my new hubby
for so long.

- Oh.
- Oh, isn't that romantic?

Baby, you're the greatest.

I wouldn't want to be away
from me for that long, either.

You know, and since
I'm gonna be moving in here,

I thought I would rent out
my condo before I go.

I mean, what's the point
in having it sit there empty

when I can bring in some extra cash?

I love you!

And I love you even more
when you come with extra cash.

- Ooh, so beautiful.
- Ooh, cash.

So greedy.

So, then, it's okay if
I bring my furniture here?

I don't want a bunch
of strangers messing it up.

You're afraid of renters
wrecking your stuff,

so you're bringing it
to the hillbilly frat house?

Hey, we know how to take care
of valuable things.

Are they valuable?

[Chuckles]

I thought I raised you better than that.

Now she'll never believe
her things were stolen.

- Can I help you?
- Uh, yeah.

Is, uh, River around?

I want to talk to him
about a book he gave me.

River's on a silent retreat.

- Oh.
- I'm Nick.

I'm the real brains
behind the operation.

I restock the books.

I light the incense every morning.

It is natural to be intimidated,
but don't be.

[Laughs] Okay, I'll try.

- I'm Darlene.
- Hi.

River was kinda helping me
with some problems.

Have you read the "Dao De Jing"?

Oh, sure.

Yeah, there's a lot
of practical advice in there,

and then there's some stuff

that's just ephemeral and esoteric.

Okay, so, it's not just me.

I'm looking for a better way
to live my life,

but good God, throw in
a picture once in a while.

[Laughs] I know.

Sometimes, Eastern wisdom can be
up its own butt a little.

- It wouldn't hurt to lighten it up, right?
- Yeah, yeah.

There's a reason Confucius made
all those jokes, right?

Confucius did not make jokes.

Th-That was just white people

making fun of Eastern religion.

Huh. White people
making fun of something

they don't understand.

Didn't see that one coming.

[Chuckles]

I'm just... I'm just having
a really hard time

with the whole Dao "not-doing" thing.

Hmm. Mind if I sit?

I'm not paying your salary. Go ahead.

S-So, I know I'm not River,

but I think maybe I can help.

Um...

I know how hard the not-doing thing is.

When I was a stockbroker,
I was a doer, too.

I was doing coke. I was doing speed.

I was doing online poker
with my clients' money.

Wow, you win the "doer" contest.

[Laughs]

And you were able
to actually quit all that

by just embracing Eastern philosophy?

Not exactly.

I quit doing drugs
the second they fired me

for being a drug addict.

And that's what forced me
to... to look for answers,

and I found them here...
which was a blessing,

'cause I really like my life now.

I'd like to like my life.

So, is there anything else in this place

that I should be studying?

I guess the best one for me
was the teachings of Buddha.

It led me to a greater sense
of acceptance.

Okay, yeah, yeah.
I'm not a big acceptor.

More of an "exert my will
until everybody resents me"

kind of girl.

That's my weakness.

I love a woman
who can make me resent her.

[Chuckles]

Here you are.

One matcha latte with oat milk.

- Ah, thank you.
- Hey, I didn't know you were working today.

I missed you. Hi.

Oh, man. I don't get hugs at work.

Just pat-downs when they think
we're stealing office supplies.

I don't even need the envelopes.
It's just like a game to me now.

[Laughs] Darlene,
this is my daughter, Brook.

It's a pleasure to meet you.

Dad, I'm sorry to interrupt,

but I need to talk to you
about something.

Oh, if you want,
I can step away for a second.

Oh, no, it's not a big deal.

I'm going camping tomorrow
with my friends.

Uh-huh.

Do you think it's a bad idea
to try mushrooms?

[Laughs] I'm sorry.

I'm sorry to pry. I got to hear this.

What does Buddha say
about your teenage daughter

tripping balls with her friends?

[Chuckles] Well, Buddha says

regardless of what a parent wants,

a child will be true to their nature.

What's your gut telling you?

Well, I'm curious.

- Mm-hmm.
- But I also don't want to get sick

or have an experience I'd regret.

I'm just... I'm not sure it's worth it.

You're a smart person.

If I were you, I'd listen to you.

I'm gonna hold off.

I just wanted to bounce it off of you.

Thanks, dude.

I would like to go back in time

- and have you raise my kids.
- [Laughs]

Listen, Brook and I have our moments,

but we keep it real
'cause we respect each other.

That sounds like my relationship
with my daughter,

except without the respect
or anything I just saw here.

[Chuckles]

Can Buddha teach me how to do that?

Possibly, but you'd have
to invite him over to dinner

to watch the dynamic
between you and your daughter.

Oh, he's dead. But I can make it.

- Okay, that's a little thirsty...
- [Laughs]

...but you're cute,

and, uh, you're not
making me read anything,

so dinner tonight?

I'm there.

Oh.

Once my dad finds out
what kind of place you work,

you're gonna hear some Confucius jokes.

But if you act offended,
he'll double down.

Uh-oh. Dad's got to the point

where he's gotta label stuff

so he doesn't forget what it is.

"Snotty child who lives under my roof."

I'm doing this because I got a pod

full of Louise's furniture
sitting out on the curb.

I gotta make room for it.

Goodwill's coming by tomorrow
to pick up anything

with a yellow sticker.

[Laughs]

DARLENE: Whoa, whoa.
You're not getting rid of that.

I nursed my kids in that chair.

That was the last time
they were nice to me.

I'm not giving up that chair.

Okay, I hear you.

Wait a minute.

We've all put our feet
on this coffee table,

and nobody feels guilty
because it's a piece of crap.

I'm not gonna be able to do that
on Louise's coffee table.

And then you know
what's gonna come next?

Coasters. That's right... coasters.

All right, fine.

- No, not this chair!
- Ah!

This is my reading chair!

This is where I escape to new worlds.

I'll never forget reading
all the Dickens novels

and thinking how lucky
all those kids were

and hoping I could have
what they have one day.

I say lose the chair. It's gross.

They found hepatitis
on a 5,000-year-old mummy.

You know that chair's got stuff.

You kids constantly bitch about
how bad your childhoods were,

but you can't bear to part with anything

that reminds you of 'em.

Well, this is our home.

When I came back from Chicago,

it was so comforting to see everything

still the way it was when I was a kid.

And when I came back to live
here, I felt the same way.

And when I come back in my 40s,
I'm gonna feel the same way.

I always want you guys
to be comfortable,

but I want Louise to be happy, too.

Anybody here planning
to succeed in the near future

and get a house big enough

to take all this furniture with them?

Anybody here planning to succeed?

Anybody here looking forward

to watching Louise hand me my ass?

So, Nick, I hear you work

at one of those Eastern,
new-agey bookstores.

- You know what Confucius say?
- DARLENE: Dad, no.

We just talked about this.

You can't do it at
the Chinese restaurant.

You can't do it here.

You can't do it anywhere anymore.

I can't keep up!

Just make a list of stuff
that used to be funny

but ain't anymore.

I'd like to get a copy of that, too.

Oh, you're here.

Grandpa, you called me and asked me

to come over and have pizza,

but this is obviously a trick
to get me to talk to her.

No, it was a trick to get you
to come over and talk to me.

- Your grandpa misses you.
- Oh.

And that was a trick
to get you to stay here

and talk to your mom.

Fine. I'll eat the pizza,
but I'm not interested

in anything she has to say.

It's okay. No one is.

Continuing that narrative
of disinterest, this is Nick.

He works at that bookstore
I was telling you about.

You must be the kung-fu guy
who tried to teach my mom

a sneaky way to ruin my
relationship with my boyfriend.

Oh, no, no, no.

That was the owner of the store, River.

What?

The owner of the hippie
bookstore is named River?

Oh, come on, Moonbeam.

You've got to let me
off the leash for this one.

No.

And it doesn't matter who it was.

I was wrong.

If you mean that, thank you.

But I can't stay long.
I have to stop at an ATM.

If you need a little cash,
I can help you out.

No, one of Aldo's kids got sick

and he missed a few days of work,

so I'm... I'm helping him with the rent.

Are you serious?

You're... You're watching his kids,

and now you're paying his rent?

It's a one-time thing.
Don't make a big deal.

Oh, yeah, it's fine,
and when you're at the ATM,

be sure to get some extra
so you can paint his house

and buy him that hoverboard
he's had his eye on.

Why do you always have to be
such a bitch?

[Gasps] Now it's a Conners dinner.

I was just counting down in my head.

Harris, I have a daughter your age,

and, um, your mom and I
have been talking about

how you guys are fighting a lot.

Are you cool if I weigh in?

Wow, somebody actually asking me

if they can butt into my life.

Sure. What the hell.

So, you guys went from,
"How's it going?" to war

in a few seconds.

I think I might have an exercise
that could help you

get a little give and take
in your relationship.

Are you up for that?

Come on.

I mean, what we're doing isn't working.

I'll give it a shot if you will.

Fine.

I hope Darlene knows what she's doing.

Letting a total stranger get involved

could make this fight worse.

Oh, I hope not.

But if it does,
I got five bucks on Darlene.

She's way overdue for a manic phase.

I've fought her.

When she's got adrenaline going,

she's all teeth and thumbs to the eyes.

Okay, I want you both
to put your hands up.

Now, I want you to put your hands

against each other's hands and push.

This is how your relationship
feels right now.

No movement. Nobody giving an inch.

In order for things to change,

you each need to take turns
giving a little.

Okay, so, Harris,
when your mom pushes you

and says she's worried about
Aldo, you give a little.

Darlene, when Harris pushes back

and says you're interfering
too much, you give a little.

This is how the relationship
stays balanced, okay?

Let's give it a try.

I'm doubling down my bet
on the wiry little vegan.

I'll take that action.

Just watch.

Thumbs and teeth.

HARRIS: You heard him, Mom.

I'm an adult who can date who I want.

- Give a little.
- No.

Aldo is a 38-year-old loser
who is using you.

You give first.

Oh, so the woman who picks
all the wrong men

wants to tell me how to pick mine?

Okay, still waiting
for the give and take.

You know, when you make one
smart decision about your life,

you can criticize mine, okay?

[Exhales sharply]

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hey.

Why the hell would you do that?

Because you think I'm stupid!

You're a sad, pathetic, miserable person

and you can't stand that I'm happy.

You're just teaching me to hate you.

The more time we spend
around each other,

the less we feel like
mother and daughter.

We're just two women
who don't like each other,

so stay away from me.

[Door slams]

It usually works way better than that.

Okay, before I show you what I did,

the kids were a little reluctant to part

with some of the furniture,

but I think I blended your stuff
with ours pretty good.

Uh, is that my sofa on the porch?

Good eye. Good eye.

I Scotchgarded it so
we could have outdoor living

in the two months in Chicago

where the weather won't kill you.

See?

I moved a lot of your stuff in here.

Uh, hey! There's your lamp!

And there's your throw pillows.

Uh, m-my refrigerator's
in front of the closet.

Well, don't get used to that.

That's only temporary
until I can figure out a way

to get it upstairs into the hallway.

Be stupid to have two down here.

Uh, where's my microwave
and my coffeemaker?

Did you get rid of any of your things?

You weren't here.

Would have been easier
to get rid of the kids.

[Sighs] Look, I tell you what.

The living room and the kitchen
have a long family history

of dysfunction and petty infighting

and I want to respect that, so...

I'll put my stuff in storage

and then you can keep those
rooms exactly as they are.

You're a saint.

Now give me the "but."

But I want the bedroom to be ours.

And not my bedroom set.

I want a whole new one
so we have a fresh start.

It's the beginning
of our long history together.

[Smooches] Done.

Okay, and here's a tip.

When you go furniture shopping,

pick out exactly what you like
and then ask the salesman,

"What is the complete opposite of this?"

Then buy that.

Hurtful but fair.

Hey.

Hey, babe. What are you doing here?

I thought you were
at your mom's tonight.

Ugh, I got into a huge fight with her,

and I really don't want to be there.

I know we planned on me
moving in next month,

but can I just move in now?

I'd love that, but something came up.

I met with the boys'
school shrink today.

Since you started
spending the night here,

there's been a little increase in
the number of incidents at school.

W-What kind of incidents?

It's kind of an umbrella term for fires,

attacks on teachers,
and throwing a turd in the pool.

I know I may have done that in the past,

but I-I did not teach them how.

I-I know.

It's just, she's saying
they're acting out

because they don't want anybody
to replace their mom.

You sleeping here sends the message,

"We won't get our mom back
while you're still alive."

Holy crap. They want to kill me?

No. No, of course not.

So what are you saying?

That I can't move in here at all?

I-I'm hoping it'll just be
a few months, babe.

Till the kids see you're not a threat.

Or whenever I can
tweak their meds enough

to get that look out of their eyes.

This really sucks.

Now my mom has me
right where she wants me.

I'm gonna have to hide in my room

to avoid listening to her crap.

Just give her all good vibes.

And if it gets too bad,

just find a friend to crash with.

But no strapping dudes
with long, blond hair, okay?

[Sighs]

Hey, Moms.

Sorry for blowing up last night.

All good vibes. I'm going to my room.

Uh, hold up.

We need to talk.

No, we don't. We're all good.

- Love you like a mother.
- Stop.

We're not all good.

I thought about what you said last night

and it scared me to death.

You're right.

We're not gonna be
mother and daughter anymore

if we keep ripping
each others' hearts out.

I packed your suitcases.

[Voice breaking]
I think you need to leave now.

You're throwing me out?

If you don't go,

then I'm gonna destroy our relationship.

I am trying so hard
to learn how to be different,

but I'm afraid if you stay here

that by the time I do, it'll be too late

and we're gonna hate each other.

[Scoffs]

Well, thanks for asking me how I feel.

No, I do know how you feel.

You want to be with Aldo.
Aldo wants you there.

I think it's a huge mistake,

but if you're not here,
then we can't fight about it.

Yeah. You're right.

He wants me there, and you want me gone,

so I'm going.

Hey.

I love you.

Now, don't be mad at me.

I packed your birth control
in your suitcase,

and I turned on the alarm on your phone

so you remember to take them.

I'm sick. I know.
That's why you got to go.

[Door opens]

♪

Maybe this will help.

It's on me.

Oh, you don't have to.

No, no. It's store policy.

All relationships we blow up

get kelp noodles with
hemp seed pesto on the house.

It's okay. You were just trying
to pull up a plane

that's been careening
towards a mountain for 19 years.

You know, you can tuck your head

between your legs before a crash,

but you're still gonna end up
stuff on a rock.

So, do you think I did the right thing?

Yeah, yeah.

I mean, I-I-I think it's great
you were self-aware enough

to take yourself out of the equation.

This is so damn hard.

Look, we all struggle.

I mean, I told you about
the tough times I had, right?

- Yeah, the drugs?
- Yeah. Oh, good.

Then I did tell you about the drugs.

It comes and goes.

- I'm Nick, by the way.
- [Chuckles]

Okay.

Yes.

Yes, what?

Yes, we can date.

That's a little thirsty,
but you're cute.

And you have such an endearing way

of processing your grief
about your daughter.

And I would be crazy
not to go out with somebody

who left Wall Street to keep
the cucumber water jug full.

Oh, so this relationship's
gonna be based on honesty, huh?

I haven't tried it yet,
but I've heard good things.

I'm glad you feel that way.

And what's the worst that could happen?

I mean, from what I've seen of your
life, I can't really ruin it.

Uh, you won't know until you try.

[Chuckles]

Well, I see you came to your senses

and got rid of that
ridiculous stew train.

The future...

is drones.

One bowl of stew, coming up.

- Oh, no.
- Give me a countdown.

Burn victims and lawsuits in 3, 2, 1...

[Drone whirring]

[Laughing maniacally]

[Bowl shatters]