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[ Hip-hop music plays ]
-♪ Ha, ha, oh, yeah

-Let's go, G. Thang.
-What's up, G. Thang?

Both: We in this, part two.

-Yeah, I know you gon'
tear it up tonight.

-♪ Let's get it, get it, get it,
get it, get it, get it ♪

-♪ Let's go

-We're here for
the premier taping

of Gary "G. Thang" Johnson.

My boy.
-I done walked all the way

from Michigan.

♪♪

[ Cheers and applause ]
-Ladies and gentlemen,

please welcome actor,
producer,

and now, NAACP Image Awards
double-nominated director,

Miss Vivica A. Fox.

♪♪

[ Cheers and applause continue]

♪♪

-Aw!

[Singing] Hey!

♪♪

Hey! Hey, y'all, hey.

[ Crowd ] Hey!
-Whoo!

-Okay, I know y'all said,
"Dang, she got another job,

now, she gonna try
to do comedy."

[ Laughter ]
I'm not. I'm not.

I know y'all probably
wondering why I am here.

But I'm here tonight, because
I'm so proud of this brother

that's about to come
to the stage.

[ Cheers and applause ]

Now, I hate to say this,

I know y'all been waiting, and
he on a little bit of CP time,

because we was supposed
to start this earlier.

[ Phone chimes ]
Oh, wait, wait.

Wait, wait, wait.

My booty blowing up.

Um. [ Chuckles ]

Wowzers.

G. Thang said he ready
to pull up? Y'all Ready?

[ Cheers and applause ]
Y'all ready?!

Alright. Alright. Alright.

I need y'all to get hype.

Ladies and gentlemen,

please put your hands
together for my boy,

the very talented
and hilarious --

Gary "G. Thang" Johnson!

[ Cheers and applause ]

[Hip-hop music plays]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[ Cheers and applause continue ]

[ Crowd cheering ]
Go, Gary! Go, Gary! Go, Gary!

♪♪

-Man. Man.

Man.

Come on, y'all.

Come on, y'all.

We in this bitch.

One more time
for the legendary --

Miss Vivica A. Fox!

[ Cheers and applause continue ]

And she go...

-I tried to get
all the "Set It Off" people,

but, uh...
[ Laughter ]

But I didn't want to get
the shit slapped out of me

by, uh...

by Will, so, I didn't.

So, I left Jada and them
by themselves. Shit.

[ Laughter ]

Y'all look good, man.

You motherfuckers showed up.

[ Cheers and applause ]

Hey, man.

I got this Deacon Rufus suit on,

so, uh...

y'all got to bear with me.

I just got my teeth done,

but these ain't the right size.

So...
[ Laughter ]

-It ain't that goddamn funny!

[ Laughter continues ]

So, I might be spitting on all
of those in the front row.

I'll tell you that shit
right now.

I got a bunch of spit
in my mouth right the fuck now.

So, I'm gonna be doing a whole
lot of swallowing and shit.

I knew they weren't
the right size

when the dentist,
mother fucker handed me

the mirror, I'm like, "Nigga.

You gave me these
Denzel Washington teeth.

[ Laughter ]

Putting curses on all
you motherfuckers."

I feel uncomfortable
right now.

So, I ain't gonna be doing
a whole lot of smiling.

I can tell you.

I think the nigga done did
dis ass for a ticket too.

So, if you --
you in this motherfucker,

I got to holler at you,
motherfucker.

I got a partner named Antonio.

That nigga be smiling on,
motherfucker.

I'll be playing dominoes
with the nigga.

He always smiling.
I'm like, "Nigga.

When I get my check, nigga,

I swear to God
I'm gonna get that smile!"

[ Laughter ]

I couldn't wait
to show the nigga my new smile.

He like, he didn't even
want to come, he like, "Ugh."

I was waiting, nigga,

I came to that nigga, like,
"Hey, brother."

Like, I scared him.

"Hey, nigga,
They'll make the right ones."

We in this mother fucker,
though, man.

This goddamn LA.

I thought
I was gonna make it a long,

long, long, long, long,
long, goddamn time ago.

I thought -- I thought I was
gonna blow up in 2 weeks.

I swear to God, I did.

I thought I was gonna be famous
like motherfucking Kevin Hart,

Dave Chappelle, Katt Williams,

without the motherfucking
problems.

I thought I was...
[ Laughter ]

Katt fucked niggas up,
though, didn't he?

Crowd: Yeah!

Nigga, I listened to that whole
tape, like, I ain't even know

I had 3 hours worth of time.

I listened to
that nigga whole tape

just to see when the nigga
gonna say my name.

I did.

[ Laughter continues ]

That nigga Katt, when he fucked
Steve Harvey up with that --

that fucking toupee,
nigga, I hollered.

When he said that nigga
had a -- a -- a piece.

What he have?
Crowd: A wig. A Man Unit.

A "Man Unit,"
when he said that nigga

had a Man Unit.

Nigga, nigga, I did this
on the nigga.

'Cause a nigga came up to me

and asked me did I have one?

-I'm like, "Nigga,
get the fuck outta here."

This all me right here,
motherfucker.

[ Laughter ]

Nigga said he was gonna
punch Steve in the stomach.

I was like, "Damn.

That's some thug shit."

"Nigga, I'll punch you in your
motherfucking stomach."

[ Laughter ]

Nigga, I'm glad
I wasn't on that block

when he was shooting
that bitch up.

If one more motherfucker say,

I look like Diddy,
kill yourself tonight.

I'd rather look like anybody
else with no allegations.

I swear to God.

I'd rather look like Flavor
Flav, Trick Daddy, motherfucker.

"Nigga, take that.
Take that, nigga. Take it."

That nigga Diddy paying niggas
right away too.

Nigga, he don't be waiting.

"So, you said I did something,
well, well, how much you need?"

[ Laughter ]

Diddy want that shit over,
motherfucker.

That's how much money
that nigga got.

Niggas be trying to fight.

"No, bitch, you won't know --"
"Bitch, what?"

We got you, motherfucker.

That's -- That's why
I video all the bitches I fuck.

I ain't gonna never.

I let 'em know.

"You know,
that camera on over there.

[ Laughter ]

And that's you enjoying
yourself.

You see that?

You can talk all that shit
if you want to,

but, bitch, you
having a good time."

I brought my phone,

because, uh, I got a little
bitch named Tasha at the house,

I don't trust, so, uh,

and I'm watching her on my Ring,

right fuck...

I don't trust her,
because she be stealing

all my quarters
out my change drawer.

I don't trust her.

She must haven't got
no washer and dryer.

So, just...

She be going
in my medicine cabinet

and all kind of shit,
I'm like...

'Cause everybody in here,
when you get to a certain age,

you gon' be on some pills,
I ain't gonna lie.

Everybody in here,
when you get to a certain age,

nigga, you on, uh,
blood pressure pills,

cholesterol.

Lot of you young niggas on,
uh, antibiotics, motherfucker.

You got an itch
you need to fill up, nigga?

I keep my motherfucking pills
that the Dr. ordered for me,

I keep them in a vault.

This bitch ain't gonna
never crack that safe.

My vitamins, I keep
in the medicine cabinet.

Yeah, I don't give a fuck
if she gon' see them.

'Cause motherfucker
the ones that got my

everything on, bitch.

You know,
my real age that ain't going...

[ Laughter, applause ]

I got that motherfucker
in a vault.

Motherfucker, there's 27 left,

motherfucker.

And I be watching her ass.
She just be going through shit.

"What are you doing now?!"

Tasha the reason
why I don't like dating,

'cause I -- she --
I go over to her house.

She ain't got no parking.
I just be riding around.

[ Laughter ]

Talking 'bout,
"You still coming, bitch?"

"I'm trying to find parking.
Shit."

I ain't got that kind of car
that can be around the corner.

Shit.

I knew I should of
stopped fucking with her,

because she ain't have
no real furniture at the house.

She -- She had that little
mini bar refrigerator.

You ever seen
that little motherfucker?

It's like she's going
to college and shit.

You know, that little
mini bar refrigerator

that you give your kid
to go away?

I knew I should've stopped
fucking with her,

because she had that little
bitty refrigerator sitting

where the big refrigerator
was supposed to sit.

[ Laughter ]

I say, "You don't see
all this space right here?"

You could put four more
of these bitches

and fill that hole up, shit.

I can't fuck with Tasha, man.

I like her,
but I don't like her,

because she's a lingerer.

You ever seen a motherfucker
that lingers?

Come over to your house.
She don't never want to leave.

She be sleeping like she's
gonna be there for the week.

I had to put
the vacuum cleaner

in the bed
just to wake her ass up.

[Imitates vacuum cleaner]

"Got shit to do in the morning."

Tasha came over
to the crib and it's --

especially when
they ain't got their own shit --

they be coming over seeing
where they kid

can stay, "This is nice.

[ Laughter ]

Is this taken?
Is this room open right here?"

And I knew I didn't
want to date no more,

'cause I took her -- I took
Tasha to Nobu in Malibu.

Them motherfuckers
been there before.

Well, three of you motherfuckers
been in there, uh...

Y'all can't afford it either.
I see.

I knew I didn't want to go back,

'cause, uh,
when I saw the valet

was $25, I -- I said,
"Shit, hold on, uh..."

I told the valet,

"Don't get neither one
of our doors, nigga.

We good.

I'm gonna park this bitch
in a free spot. Shit."

I told Tasha, "Go on
in there and get us a table.

I need to holler at
this nigga for a minute, shit."

[ Laughter ]

I told the waiter,
I said, "Hey, player,

Let me tell you
what I got, uh...

I got $136.

Let's, uh...

Let's take care of you,

the food, and the drinks,
can you make it happen?

[ Laughter, applause ]

This motherfucker said, "Yeah.
Yeah, Yeah, sure, sure.

Sure. I got you."

This motherfucker came over
to the table

and took all the lighted menus

off the motherfucking table.

Handed me some laminates.
Motherfucker, I --

Like, "Nigga,
this food ain't even

from this goddamn restaurant.

[ Laughter ]

Nigga gave me a Denny's menu,
motherfucker.

So, I order me a Grand Slam.

Yeah.

I got the fuck on out of there.

I like them hood chicks.

I don't know what it is
about me, man.

I like a chick who ain't
got all her tattoos done yet.

I don't know what it is.

[ Laughter, applause ]

She just got the outlines.

Nigga, that do something
for my spirit.

"When I get my check,

I swear to God I'm gonna
color these bitches in!"

[ Laughter, applause ]

I like them hood chicks.

Man, I was dating
a hood chick, this...

I lie to you not,
out here in LA.

She didn't have no front doors.

When I went to go pick her up,
she came through that curtain.

"I'll be right out"
I'm like, "Sh...

Man, I won't be waiting on
your ass. Pssh."

Yeah, dating them
hood chicks, they --

they do a lot of shit, though.

She wants -- She wants
to fuck with the lights on.

I'm like, "Shit.

I ain't got no light on
type of body. Shit."

You know what I'm saying, Dante?
You understand what I'm...

[ Laughter, applause ]

She be clapping a lot louder
than yours.

I got a candle lit
type of body, motherfucker.

I light some candles, and
I don't put them in the bedroom.

I put them motherfuckers
in the bathroom. Shit.

I crack the door
just a little bit.

This bitch ain't gonna never
see my silhouette.

I swear to God.
[ Laughter ]

You ain't gonna never see
me looking like Rick Ross.

I swear to God!

I don't even take my clothes off
until I get fully in the bed.

Shit.

I'm in the covers, nigga,
I -- The -- The drawer.

[ Laughter ]

'Cause I ain't confident
like Rick Ross.

That nigga has confidence.

I guess that's the money,
that nigga,

titties be slinging and shit.

Nigga don't have no shirt
to pluck on.

I'm like, "Nigga.
That's confidence."

I went in and got in my pool.

Well, it wasn't my pool,
it was the community.

Um...
[ Laughter ]

Let me stop acting like
I'm doing something with myself.

So, I went into
the community pool

and, uh, had my little T-shirt
on in the motherfucking water,

start raising, I'm like,
"Hey, nigga? Not right now.

Motherfucker.
It's a public pool.

Motherfuckers watching us.

They're should be motherfuckers.

I see some chubby motherfuckers
in here too with --

with a terrible body.

What's up, Earl?
[ Laughter ]

I don't know your name,

but you got a Earl spirit,
I swear to God.

[ Laughter, applause ]

Done fucking with Tasha's ass.
Motherfucker.

Went over that shit.

Now, I'm fucking with
this little chick named Pam,

and, uh, 'cause I'm trying
to move around.

You know, enough.

Pam was a motherfucker,
though, 'cause

it's hard dating, y'all,
though, 'cause...

-No, it ain't.
-'Cause y'all compliment

a motherfucker
and talk shit about him

at the same goddamn time.

Pam came over to the house
and said,

"This a nice ass little
one bedroom."

We're like, "What?"

"You don't know.
I got another room upstairs.

You don't know about
that other room.

It's a nice ass
little half bath.

Bitch, [Mumbles].

I got another bathroom.

-Nice little one bedroom.
-I just found out

that black women do
not like white refrigerators.

I just found that shit out.

She came up, "You ain't got
no goddamn stainless steel?

You ain't got no ice maker
in this bitch?"

'Cause Pam wanted
a Crown on the rocks.

I-I ain't have no ice maker.

I'm still putting water
in trays, Dante.

I don't know your name.

But you got a Dante spirit,
motherfucker.

[ Laughter, applause ]

I'm still putting
water in trays.

I said -- I told Pam,

"You got 2 hours
before that ice get cold. Shit."

She talking about, "Go out there
and check it to see

if it cold yet."

"I know my freezer, Pam.

I don't know your name.

But you got a Pam spirit.

Goddamn.

Went out there
and checked the ice.

I done fucked around and punched
a hole in the goddamn ice.

I said, "Pam,
we got to start all over again."

You better take a shot. Shit.

Pam was a motherfucker,
though, man.

I-I fuck with Pam, though.

'Cause Pam is --
She had her shit together.

She had a --
She had a washer and dryer.

She -- She had me being
a lingerer at her house.

'Cause I go to her house,
and I'm thinking

I'm gonna spend the night,
I, you know,

I fucked pretty good.

You know, I gave myself a 10.

[ Laughter, applause ]

I gave myself a 10.

I don't know what
her score was, but to me...

I put that thing on her.
You hear me?

And then, I, you know,
I'm ready to go to sleep

'cause I'm tired,
and I gave her --

I gave her a 10, you know?

And then, here come Pam --

here come Pam come
tapping me on the shoulder

and say, "What --
What you about to do?"

Like, "What?

I'm about to go back to sleep."

"No, you ain't, nigga,
my son about to get up.

You got to get the fuck
out of here. Shit.

I don't even know
why I'm fucking like this."

So, I left.

Plus, I, you know,
I wasn't doing good, you know,

last year, uh,

year -- year before that, uh...

Shit. I ain't doing good
too much this year either.

And, uh...

[ Laughter ]

'Cause I had a lot
of shit cut off.

And, uh...

And Pam was over
to the house one time,

and, uh, I got there
and my electric got cut off.

And, uh, I was surprised too,

because I actually heard

the motherfucking electric
get cut off.

You ever heard the electric
get cut off, Dante?

I don't know your name.

But you got a Dante spirit,
nigga.

I actually heard
my electric get cut off.

That motherfucker said,
[Imitates electricity].

I said, "These
motherfuckers got me."

Now, Pam don't know
what's going on.

She said, "What --
What's happening?"

I'm like, "Bitch,
it's in the neighborhood.

Everybody's shit off around..."

She said, "Well, they shit
still on over there."

I said, "That nigga must got
a generator or something.

Where'd you get
that generator at, nigga?

Best Buy?
I'm gonna get me one of them."

[ Laughter ]

My fucking cable got cut off
while she was over too.

I was doing bad,
I told you motherfuckers.

I was, and it was bad.

Because if you work
for Spectrum,

I want you
to kill yourself right now.

Because when your cable
get cut off,

I saw the Spectrum sign
start floating.

If you see your
Spectrum sign start floating,

that means you got 10 seconds...

to finish watching
that motherfucking program.

And I saw the motherfucker
come on.

Nigga, I-I tried to hurry up
and cut the goddamn TV off.

I was like, "Hey."

[ Laughter, applause ]

I did not want Pam to see
that motherfucker.

"Oh. Hey. No. Damn. Bitch."

'Cause I had my shit
cut off cut off.

You ever had
your shit cut off cut off?

That mean you can't call it in.

You got to go
the fuck down that bitch.

I heard Spectrum
on the roof, too.

I was like,
"These niggas up there."

I was like Joe Clark
from "Lean on Me."

"Get them chains on the door!
The enemy is near!"

A cable company
gonna come in the house

and ask for the equipment.

Like "Sir, we need to...

We need to get
all the equipment."

I said, "Come on in here.
Dere it is. Shit."

There gonna be
a dead ass cable guy.

Motherfucker.

I need that cable time --
I need that box for the time.

Fuck you.

[ Laughter, applause ]

You get your cable
cut off, nigga,

don't nothing work on that box
but the motherfucking time.

That other shit is over with.

I told him, "Nigga, come get
this shit, then. Fuck you."

Fuck him,
'cause I'm cutting back, nigga.

I'm gon' tell you right now,
I told T-Mobile today

to cut all
that shit off my phone.

"I don't want no incoming,
no outgoing,

no voicemail, no texts,
just cut the bitch off."

I just want to call
T-Mobile to see who called me.

Shit.

I'm going back to a pager,
Earl, you hear me?

$0.39 a year, nigga.

[ Laughter ]

Only your old school
niggas know about that pager.

You young niggas
don't know nothing about

that goddamn pager, nigga.

You don't even need to put
the area code.

You just got to understand
what the number is.

You know how you got to give
your last four digits

of your Social Security,
that's what you got to --

Oh. Okay? That's 863.
Oh, that's Pam number.

Okay.

Trying to get it
together, though.

I'm trying to get
my life together, you know?

You know, I had --
still had that big back TV.

And it was a...
[ Laughter ]

The old school niggas remember.

You remember
that big back TV?

You remember that TV
with a fuse box?

You remember that motherfucker?

Pam came over, she saw
that I had the big back TV,

but I tried to trick
her the next time

she came over to the house.

So, I cut a hole in the wall.

Now, my TV all in
another nigga house and shit.

My neighbor pushing it out.
I'm pushing it back in.

I said, "I'm trying to watch
the Lakers, motherfucker!"

[ Laughter]

Black man, nigga.

Hey, get that cough together.

Hey.
[ Laughter ]

I don't know who said that
it's okay to cough now. No.

That shit's still out here,
motherfuckers. Shit.

Niggas just coughing,
they ain't even saying nothing.

Openly coughing.
"[ Coughs ]"

It's like, "Hey?"

People don't even cover up
they mouth no more.

They like, "[ Coughs ]"
"Nigga, [Mutters]."

Then, if they do cover it up,
they do this.

[ Coughs ], like it can't go
up under your arm.

[ Laughter, applause ]

I love my black people,
nigga, I fucks with us.

But I don't really got
a lot of black neighbors.

I-I experienced that,
and I got out of that.

Because...

'cause when you got
black neighbors,

they watch your house,
not for you, but for them.

Motherfucker.

I fucked around
and got that Ring.

That motherfucker do not work.

Whoever created
that motherfucker,

probably, was a criminal.

That doorbell Ring,
that motherfucker

that you can see
motherfuckers coming.

Them niggas
know you ain't at the house.

I saw a motherfucker in my
phone. I saw the motherfucker.

I did. Real.
Can't hate, player.

"What you want?"

He said, "Nigga,
I know you ain't in there.

[ Laughter, applause ]

I just saw you pull out.
Don't you drive a Kia?

License plate '3495O9,'
motherfucker?

You got a slow leak
in that left tire,

motherfucker."
[ Laughter ]

So, I turned around.

And my little pussy ass dog,
this motherfucker,

he ain't even barking
or nothing,

he hiding under the bench.

I see his ass, and I'm like,
"Hey, hey, motherfucker.

You better go bark
at the fucking front door!

You 'bout to get taken,
motherfucker."

That ring ain't worth a buck.

Some of y'all got that shit.

You'd just looking to see --
you in an apartment

and you be looking.

[ Laughter ]

That Ring ain't shit
for nothing

but to see your delivery come,
motherfucker.

"Oh, yeah. FedEx showed up.
Okay. Yeah."

You got one
motherfucking camera.

Fuck you.

You act like you got
surveillance and shit.

[ Laughter ]

I see you motherfuckers.

Then, you got the nerve to have
all that shit on your phone too.

You got cameras
that ain't even loaded yet.

You're like, "Yeah,
when I get my check,

I'm gonna get that one
in the living room."

[ Laughter, applause ]

I got a damn White neighbor,
then motherfuckers,

they're -- Boy.

She was supposed
to be my doorbell ring

before I bought
my doorbell Ring, yeah.

'Cause white people
watch your house.

I don't give a fuck what
you're talking about.

You live next door
to white people,

you don't even ask them
to watch your house.

They volunteer

to watch
your motherfucking house.

They ain't gon' let a nigga
get on your porch.

"Hey!

That's not your shit, buddy!
Hey!"

I'm calling the fucking cops!

White people will water your
grass while you on vacation.

You ain't gonna fuck
with their property value. Shit.

They're out there watering.

"I don't know where G. went.
Shit.

He leaves every fucking
Thursday! Motherfucker."

I ain't gone. I'm looking in
the window at his dumb ass.

"Look at him. Hey.
Come here, Pam.

That nigga doing it again.
Look out."

And they walk they dog
on a schedule.

Have you ever seen a neighbor?

White people walk they dog

06:00 in the morning,
every motherfucking morning,

Motherfuckers walk they dog.
They don't even be up yet.

They just be --
The dog be walking them.

[ Laughter ]

And they put shoes and clothes

on the motherfucking dog.

I heard their little dog pass
my house every morning,

06:00 in the morning
with some shoes.

That nigga be tap dancing,
like he doing the river dance.

And shit. This mother --

And here my dog, he don't even
know when he going outside.

[ Laughter continues ]

He looking at me
like he ready to go out at 6:00.

I said, "Not today,
motherfucker.

It's raining and everything
out there."

My white neighbor,
them motherfuckers

cut a hole in they front door...

for they dog, can come in and
out the house anytime they want,

if it's raining.

Let you niggas
cut a hole in your front door...

and you live in Compton.

See what the fuck happens.

There'll be a nigga
all inside the hole.

[ Laughter, applause ]

"Hey, Craig, I'm stuck
in the hole, motherfucker!"

A nigga leave you in the hole.

"You good? You cool?

You want something to drink?"

Yeah, man.
I fuck with that shit, man.

I'm gonna tell you another
thing that get on my nerves

and that's that motherfucking
self-checkout.

I don't know who came up
with that shit.

But I'm safe.
I'm-- I go to church and save.

I don't want to steal
but don't push it.

[ Laughter, applause ]

"I ain't no stealer,
but don't push me, Lord!

And these motherfuckers
leave the m&m's

by the bags.

[ Laughter ]

If I bag $175 worth
of groceries,

I deserve two bags of m&m's.

The fuck wrong with you?

I ain't even stealing them.

I'm taking
the motherfuckers now.

$175 worth of
motherfucking groceries.

If I bag $175 worth
of groceries,

I can go in the break room
if I fucking want to.

I'm in that motherfucker,
"Hey, player, how y'all doing?

Y'all good?

It's crowded than a motherfucker
out there today."

Here come the manager. "Sir.
Sir. Sir." They always start.

But "Sir, Sir, sir, you're
not supposed to be in here."

"The fuck, I ain't?

I just bagged $175
worth of groceries.

You welcome. The fuck is you?

You got a cigarette?

[ Laughter ]

-That motherfucking
self-checkout.

'Cause black people,
we done fucked up a lot --

We made people change
they company policies.

Black people, we done
made Southwest Airlines

change they
motherfucking policies.

Because when you used to fly
Southwest back in the day,

it was like first come, first
serve, go, come on, get on.

Now, motherfucker, they got
a little number system for you.

A, B, and C.

1-53, them motherfuckers, and
don't be in the wrong number.

White people, they take
that number shit serious.

Your ass just snuck up to 8.

White lady come up.
"Hey, how you doing, sir?

Yeah. What's your number?"

[ Laughter, applause ]

And white people be bold.

Let me -- Can I see? Yeah.

You're 33.

You way back here,
motherfucker.

You know black people, nigga.

"What the fuck you asking
me for. [Mutters] Bitch."

[ Cheers and applause ]

We know we in the wrong,
but we got to get an attitude.

"Fuck this. What?
Say something then, bitch!"

Like, I felt like my teeth
was gonna fall out that time.

[ Laughter, applause ]

And I ain't gonna lie.

You niggas want them
to fall out, too.

My spirit is telling me,
like, "Nigga, they --

they gonna come out now, yeah."

Black people done fucked up

the company policies.

Red Lobster, you niggas
done fucked they policy up.

Remember back in the day,
you could go into Red Lobster

and get you some
Cheddar biscuits,

and they give you
a complimentary salad.

And you'd
just eat them biscuits.

Nigga don't order
a motherfucking thing!

Now, you can't do
that shit now.

You'll be waiting on
the biscuit.

You like, "Hey, you
ain't brought me no biscuits."

"Nigga, you ain't order
shit either, motherfucker.

Better get you an entree if
you want some biscuits, nigga."

'Cause I don't know,
back in the day,

you motherfuckers don't know
that goddamn Red Lobster

was the restaurant.

All you little young
motherfuckers.

You motherfuckers,
what -- what -- Mastro.

You be taking
the pictures and all...

Some of you niggas
be taking the pictures,

you don't even order nothing
in that bitch.

[ Laughter ]

Some of you niggas just go up
there just to get the picture.

Like, "Oh, you was in
Mastro's, [Exclaims]."

And you gotta bag or purse.

Nigga, I used to go to
Red Lobster, that was my shit.

Took dates to Red Lobster.

Nigga, I used to take a picture
by the crab that,

you know, the fish tank.

Hey, nigga.

Nigga, I'm all 'bout
that fish steak

with the crab leg, nigga.

Yeah.
[ Cheers and applause ]

See, a lot of my --

See, a lot of my friends
had heard that

I had invited I done called you
motherfuckers 13 times, sent...

I done e-mailed you.

You see them coming
to the show, nigga,

'cause I'm doing something.

This is when you ain't
all the way made it yet.

What? What? What?
You gonna call me? Call me?

[ Laughter ]

I don't wanna call no names.

What's up, Tisha? And I...

I called Vivica and Tisha
1,000 goddamn times.

I FaceTimed, them motherfuckers
sending me right to voicemail.

Not right now, motherfucker.

I got a few -- I got a few
celebrity friends, man.

I got like three, four,
and, uh...

I don't never ask for nothing

but, you know,
little favors, like, you know,

take a picture with me, so, I
can get my Instagram page up.

[ Laughter ]

Ha, I take a picture
with one of them.

Tisha and Vivica,
I get like about 400,000 likes.

I take a picture with my mom,
I get two likes on the picture.

And I love my mama.
I-I don't know about y'all.

But I'm a mama's boy, nigga.

[ Cheers and applause ]

Only thing is my mama got
a gambling problem right now.

She -- She loves Vegas.

And I'm gonna tell you
something,

Vegas is not for black people.

-I'm gonna tell you
that shit right now.

That's a white sport, we...

White people are
the only motherfuckers

that go over there and have fun
and not trip about losing shit.

We pray that we bring back
the money

we took down to that bitch.

Heavenly Father, don't let me
lose this goddamn rent money.

I was playing Blackjack
next to a white dude,

his name was Tom,
this motherfucker

lost $1,000 in front of me.

I felt bad for his ass.

I lost $30. I was ready to blow
that motherfucker up.

[ Laughter, applause ]

I'm looking at the dealer.

"What the fuck you smiling
for, motherfucker?"

You can tell
when black people lose in Vegas.

They be walking
through that casino, like,

Tupac was looking for the
nigga to beat they ass.

Duck.

We'll be walking
through that motherfucker

like we looking for chips.

[ Laughter ]

We be checking all
the slot machines

to see if they...

[ Laughter ]

Fuck Vegas.
I ain't going back ever.

There's always the niggas
that go to Vegas, though,

they out of money, but they want
to tell you how to play.

This one nigga was behind me.
Yeah. I was double them tens.

"Get the fuck from behind me!

[ Laughter, applause ]

You ain't got a chip
to verse in front of you.

Double them tens, nigga.

And my mama love Vegas,
nigga, I'ma tell you something.

My mama live for Vegas.

My mama saved,
she take Jesus

to the casino with her.

She sanctified that
motherfucker.

Holy Ghosted that slot machine.

Put that holy water
on that goddamn handle.

And when she pull it, it like
she giving the motherfucker

the electric shock.
[Imitates slot machine]

[ Laughter ]

Fuck!

I said,
"Come on, Mom. Let's go."

"Fuck you!
You lost all your money!

I'm trying to get your rent
money back, motherfucker!"

My mama roped off
that goddamn slot machine.

Ain't nobody getting
none of that.

And she ain't trying
to win a lot

'cause my mom
be playing penny slots.

You know?

I said, "Ma, I'm not gonna
use this little pussy ass $20.

Come on,
let's get fuck out of here."

[As Mother] "I'm having fun."

I love my mama 'cause my mama,

you know, she used to take me
to work with her

so, she -- she cared for me.

See, white people,
y'all take y'all kid to work,

but that's --
that's fun to y'all.

I had to go to work
with my mama.

My mama sent me up
under the desk

and said, "Don't say shit.

Or we both get fired."

How the fuck we both get fired?
Shit. I'm only 6.

She...

She feeding me at lunchtime,
up under the desk,

like, I'm a Rottweiler and shit.

[ Laughter ]

And that's before I had
these big ass teeth, too.

I wasn't born with these
motherfuckers, y'all.

[ Laughter continues ]

I love my mama.

Fucked around, man,
I went to...

I saved up $2,900,

and I flew myself to Africa,
you know?

Yeah.
[ Cheers and applause ]

Well, I took Pam with me too.

I saved up $2,900...

and I flew to Africa.

And, uh, now...

I only had one

$2,900, so...

So, I ain't have
another $2,900 for Pam.

So -- So, she was in coach
and, uh...

but I got her an exit row,

that's like
the motherfucking supreme.

That's first class in
motherfucking coach.

"Don't know the fuck
you talking about,

you see all that leg room,
nigga, you got in there?"

That exit row,
only thing about flying in

that goddamn coach
in the exit row,

it comes with
some responsibilities.

If that bitch ask you,
"Can you lift this door?"

-And every one of you
dumb ass motherfuckers said,

"Yeah, yeah, I can lift it."

And I'm looking at your arm
all like this, nigga.

How the fuck
you get this seat, nigga?

I be wanting to tell, "Hey,
playa, this nigga's handicapped.

How the fuck...

How the fuck
he get a fucking exit row seat?

I hit that button immediately.
Bing!

Motherfucker.
I need him to be reseated.

[ Laughter ]

-That's how you
motherfuckers be on Southwest.

You motherfuckers now.

You act like you handicapped.

You know, you going on,
you want to pre-board and shit.

[ Laughter continues ]

You ever see a nigga get out
of a car -- out the car, nigga,

he got the handicapped placard,

and he get out, like,
'cause he see another nigga,

and he get out
like something wrong with him.

And that motherfucker
be looking at you,

the real handicapped nigga,
he be looking at...

'Cause you know you fucked up.

You did.
[ Laughter ]

All right, nigga.
I'm gonna stop playing. Nigga.

I'ma move my car.
I'ma move my car.

Motherfuckers are acting,
like, they handicapped.

I don't know about coach,
I-I just...

if you fly coach, it just look
like your credit score go down.

It's just...

Look at the niggas
that fly coach, like...

When I'm in first class,

I don't give no nigga,
no eye contact.

I just...

[ Laughter ]

'Cause you give
a nigga eye contact,

they make you feel bad,

"Oh, you a first class
nigga now.

You act like you got
a washer and a dryer now."

I'm the first class
police, too,

when I'm on that bitch,
if you in that coach, nigga,

don't come up here
with the bullshit, nigga.

I meet you at the curtain.
"Hey, playa.

What -- What's popping?

Our bathroom is full,
motherfuckers."

People come on there
and leave they luggage

and walk they ass back to 42A.

I stop a nigga, "Hey, playa,
you left something up here.

This for us.

$2,900, motherfucker.

Take your Groupon ass
on towards the back."

I only saved it up one time.
Don't act like that.

I just saved it up one time.
I fly coach a lot.

Went to Africa,
got off the plane.

It wasn't Zamunda like
I thought it was going to be.

[ Laughter ]

I thought when I get off
that motherfucker, and I go,

"Hoo, ha, ha." I thought
I was gonna hear that shit.

I got off the plane,
nigga, I fucked up

all my good white shoes, nigga.

So much dirt on them
motherfucking roads.

Now, I see why over in Africa
they don't wear no shoes.

I get it. I took mine off too.

How many of y'all
been to Africa?

Anybody been to Africa?

Three people, four, five.

Okay. All right.

Huh?
-Michelle's world travels.

-Michelle world's travel.
Oh, that's what's up.

Yeah.
-You can go to Africa next year.

-I can go to Africa next year.
Okay.

20 --
Is it cheaper than $2,900?

-2,500.
-2,500.

You ain't saving me
a motherfucking thing.

[ Laughter, applause ]

I said, I say, 29.

I said, "Well, how much
on your discount?"

She said, "2,500."

Bitch. [Mutters]

That's black people.

I'm gonna try -- I'm going
to use your shit, though, I'm...

Not this year 'cause I told
you I ain't doing it, so...

Huh?
-I'll put you to work.

You'll put me to work?

Oh, I can go for free.

Oh, I ain't...

I kind of ain't
looking for a job right now.

[ Laughter, applause ]

I know I've been saying
some shit like I ain't doing...

I know y'all kind of believing
that I ain't doing shit,

but, uh...

I'm doing all right right now,
motherfuckers.

[ Cheers and applause ]

I'm doing aight.

I got a front yard,
backyard, now, shit.

I got a laundry room.

Women love a nigga
with a laundry room.

I ain't gonna lie.

Women, if you date the
motherfucker and he in his 50s

and he ain't got
no checking account,

you should sit your ass down.

He pay all his bills
through 7-Eleven.

Shit.

Yeah, let me get two $500
money orders, please.

Hurry.

They about to foreclose
my house today.

Hurry up, motherfucker.

Date a motherfucker
in his 40s and 50s

and you calling him a king but
you sleeping on a queen bed...

that ain't nothing
but a twin and another one.

Look at the niggas that
ain't laughing. I see y'all.

You can't do nothing but
two positions in a queen.

That's up and down,
motherfucker.

You got a king, nigga,
you can roll over in that bitch.

You cut the lights on.

"Hey, you good, bitch?"

Fucking in a goddamn
queen bed.

And he wrapping it up
with king sheets and shit.

If you still fucking the nigga

and he got
that metal frame bed,

you should sit your ass down.

You know that metal frame bed,
you start moving and shit

while you...

You start off in the bedroom.

But you end up
in the living room.

[ Laughter ]

Got that motherfucking metal
frame, that motherfucker.

Man, you got to get
yo shit together, too.

I tell you that right now,
if you in your 50s,

and you still wearing T-shirts,
you...

get your shit together.

You -- You ironing your
T-shirts and shit.

Motherfucker
don't dress up no more.

Look like -- Look like
how this nigga dress.

[ Laughter ]

You niggas just came
on up here.

Like, "What's up? What's good?"

"Nigga, I'm good. Shit."

Women dress up like, you know?

[ Applause ]
They dress up. Women dress up.

They look forward to
putting an outfit on.

Yeah. Them motherfuckers
spinning on you.

And it don't -- It don't
even require you to spin.

Them motherfuckers be...

The fuck you modeling for?
Ain't no.

I only fuck with black women.

Now, and I don't do this
for applause.

But I only date black women.
I don't do it for applause.

[ Cheers and applause ]

I ain't never dated
outside my race,

because I like to argue,
I'm a petty motherfucker.

I'm petty as fuck.

And if you ain't doing this,

we not equally yoked,
I swear to God.

You ain't hitting me
with this shit.

Yeah.
Just go on about your business.

We ain't good.

And white women,
y'all don't argue back.

You know, I need that --

I need you to show me,
you -- you fuck with me.

I need every now and then,
you say,

"Nigga, you ain't shit."

[High-pitched] "What? What?

[ Laughter ]

Oh! I'ma marry
that bitch right there."

[ Normal voice ]
I love you independent women.

I fuck with y'all.
I fuck with independent women.

But we not equally yoked.

I need a chick every now
and then to ask me

for $75, I swear to God.

Every now and then, not all the
time, but every now and then.

Just come up to me,
"Hey, [ Chuckles ],

You know we've been fucking,
you got $75 I could get?"

"Bitch. Hell yeah, I got $75!"

[ Laughter ]

I need you to need me. Shit.

You don't wanna hear it fellas,
I'm telling you right now.

You don't want to hear it,
she say, she got it.

You don't want to hear that.
You all at Nobu's.

And she say, "Don't worry
about it. I got it."

I swear to God...

you won't get no pussy ever.

If her spirit picks up,
you can't afford...

Nobu

in Malibu.

You think you fucking her?
No, she gonna be fucking you.

[ Laughter, applause ]

She gonna be telling you,
"No. Bend over."

"Nigga. What? Bitch. Hold on.

Bitch, you strong. Bitch.

[ Laughter continues ]

You think there's some
good men left out here?

How many of y'all
think there's any good men?

Yeah.
[ Cheers and applause ]

She -- She clapping
in front of him.

"Yes!"

This nigga ain't shit.
I'ma tell you right now.

I know this nigga,
I do know this nigga.

If you think you got
a good man, you're delusional.

Ain't nothing but three good
niggas ever walk this Earth.

That's good.
That's me, Barack, and Jesus.

That's it.

All these niggas ain't shit.
Look at them.

[ Laughter ]

This is how you can tell
your man ain't shit

when you out to eat and you see
his phone face down like that.

Nigga answer his phone
like he playing dominoes.

"Yeah.

Yeah. That's Big 12
right there, bitch."

Look it, you niggas
ain't laughing,

now, are you motherfuckers?

You get a text message, you put
that bitch in your eyeball.

"This bitch ain't gonna
read that message."

And then, he got the font on 0.
Shit.

I was fucking with this
little chick named Tasha.

She -- This bitch was cheating
right in front of me.

She be just texting niggas,

'cause her font was on 1,
I was like, I asked,

I said, "Who --
Who you texting?"

"The president."
I wouldn't have known. Shit.

Then, she put the screen
on top, and so,

I really couldn't see
the motherfucker.

Fuck that phone.

'Cause I ain't no cheater.
You know?

I don't -- I don't cheat.

[ Cheers and applause ]

I'm kind of a loyal kind of guy.

I kind of, if I'm fucking you,

I'm fucking you, 'cause
I ain't got that kind of energy

to be fucking everybody else.

I ain't got that kind of energy.

You know,
I got a pull over chick.

'Cause all this dating fucking
up, man, shit, fuck that.

Cause this little chick said
she wanted to go again.

She, like, "You want
to go another round?"

I said, "Today Day?

You mean right now
you want to go again?

Yeah, bitch, I can pencil
you in for Thursday. Shit.

Ain't got no more nuts
in these balls.

I swear to God I don't."

Some of you fellas,
you know what the fuck

I'm talking about,

trying to take them pills
and all that shit.

You popping pills and shit.

You don't -- Hey, this --
this Keisha, this bitch can go.

You hear me?
She was spinning and.

Like, "Hey, hey.

Calm the fuck down.
This is my house.

She act like I'm renting
a motherfucking goddamn hotel.

We good. Shit.

That bitch Keisha was moving.

[ Laughter ]

And I ain't trying to be nasty.

I'm like, "Hey, you gonna
make the condom pop off.

Calm down."

Keisha, though, she liked
to give me my fantasy, though.

I didn't, you know. Yeah.

You know, them young chicks,
they'll give you your fantasy.

She's like -- She -- She --
I don't want to say it.

But she -- she sucked
my titties and it felt...

[ Laughter ]

"[ Screams ]

[ Screams ]

Do the left one, bitch.
Do the left one."

[ Laughter continues ]

And when she was getting
ready to leave the house,

she had me feeling
like a bitch in my own house.

I'm getting up, and she's
like, "I'm getting ready to go."

I'm like, "What ? Right now?"

"Yeah, I got to go to work
in the morning, Shit.

And here's $200, get your
electric and your cable

cut back on.

I'm tired of coming over
to this motherfucker.

I can't watch Family Feud
and shit."

And I'm a --
I'm a titty man, too.

I like --
I like a little titties.

I like titties.

I like titties
with a nervous system, though.

I don't like it...

I'm gonna say it again,
'cause I can tell

that joke creeped up
on your ass.

I don't like fake titties.
Let me just go on and tell ya.

'Cause fake titties just look at
you, like, "What are we doing?"

I like titties
with a nervous system.

So, when you pinch 'em,
"Hey, nigga, that's real.

The fuck is you doing?"

I bit this one chick nipple off.

She didn't even know
it was gone.

Until Thursday, this bitch...

She come calling me,
"Did you find a nipple?"

Yeah, I found one
but I threw that motherfucker

out the window.

I'm kind of a little freak.

I ain't --
I ain't gonna tell y'all.

I'm kind of -- kind of a little
freak, you know what I'm saying?

I like getting
my little freak on.

Yeah, I see you.

But I'm a choker, though.
I like to choke bitches.

I ain't gonna lie.

I choke. [ Chokes ]

I don't choke to kill.

That's a white sport.
I don't do that.

I choke, I just want one
little tear come out your eyes.

[ Chokes ]

I choke Pam,
and I got a good choke on her.

This -- This bitch
turning into Bernie Mac.

[As Bernie Mac]
"What the fuck you doing

to a motherfucker?

You gonna choke
the fuck out of me."

What the fuck?
Is Bernie here, bitch?

That made me want to stalk her,
but I ain't no stalker.

I'ma tell you,
black women, men -

black men don't stalk you.

We check up on you.

[ Laughter ]

Stalking is a white sport,
them motherfuckers.

If a White dude stalk you,
you dead as a motherfucker.

Motherfucker been waiting
on them bitches for 2 weeks.

This motherfucker is --
is ready to kill.

Nigga, I'm just -- I'm just
coming to check up on you.

I done went by
this little chick crib.

I was waiting for about,
I say, I did 6 hours.

And, uh...

I just went by the door. I just
wanted to see where she's at.

I just --
I'm checking up on her.

I was waiting in her back seat,
one time, I was...

I'm checking up on her.

I'm gonna see
if she gonna get in the car,

shit, I stayed in there
for 6 hours, too.

I fell asleep
in that motherfucker,

to be honest with ya.

Is that stalking?
Crowd: Yes!

Okay.

I disagree.

Uh...
[ Laughter ]

Is it stalking if I drive
by her house 19 times

just to see if her light's on?
Crowd: Yes!

So, I better keep
that court date that I got?

Crowd: Yes!
[ Laughter ]

-If you need a lawyer,
she's a lawyer.

-Who's a lawyer?

Damn.

You niggas.

I got everybody
in this motherfucker.

What's up little light-skin,
dude? What's up, playa?

How you doing? You good?
You just getting here?

-Yeah.
-Okay.

[ Laughter ]

And he ain't give a fuck
about what he said.

"Yeah, yeah.
Nigga, I just got here.

Go on with your little
pussy ass show, go on ahead."

Little light-skin,
skinny ass niggas.

Y'all still think y'all
in style, don't you?

What? Chris Brown ass nigga.

I can't stand
light-skinned motherfuckers.

Light-skinned dudes.
Not the women.

I fuck with y'all. I like you.

Light-skinned niggas, they --

I used to think they all
had good hair at first, I did.

I said, them niggas was getting
texturizers just like I was.

[ Laughter ]

So, you a lawyer?
-Yes.

And -- And how long
you been a law -- lawyer --

lawyer -- lawttery?

How long you been a law --
a lot -- a lottery? Lawyer?

-I've been a lawyer
for 36 years.

-36. Now, you do defense?

Or you do criminal?
-Defense.

Um, criminal defense.
-All that?

-As well as entertainment.
-As far as entertainment, yes.

Okay. So, you -- you do
the entertainment for me?

Okay. Yeah. Okay.

I might need a defense, uh...

I just told you that I'm...

Got allegations.

What you do, playa?

-I'm a writer/producer.

-Okay.
So, you're a writer/producer?

Huh?
-I wrote "Montbeck."

Okay. Don't nobody know
what the fuck "Montbeck" is.

[ Laughter ]

Anybody want to buy
a volume, motherfuckers?

This nigga talking about
he wrote a book on "Montbeck."

Nigga, I -- Now, you got
the same teeth, you got --

I got in my mouth
in your mouth.

Motherfucker talking 'bout he
wrote a book on Montbeck.

Motherfucker?

And he said it
with confidence too.

Like, you niggas knew
what he was talking about.

Like, "Yeah, Montbeck,
yeah, nigga.

I'm selling them
after the show."

What's the Montbeck,
what that do?

-1781.
-Okay. See.

Nigga, if you don't get your
Al Sharpton friend ass

on out of here.

If you don't sit yo ass down.

This motherfucker talking about,
"1721."

Nigga. Nigga, don't.

You got to get a book,
at least in the '90s.

Motherfucker.

Congratulations.
How many copies you sold?

-Uh...
-Okay. That's a lie right there.

You hear the nigga.

You hear the nigga
hit me with the "Uh."

That's a dead ass lie
about to happen.

You want to give him a call?
Give this nigga a call.

[ Laughter ]

Niggas talking about, "Ugh!"

What you do, playa?

What you do?
-I'm an actor.

-You an actor? Yeah.
I-I've seen you before.

Yeah.

[ Laughter ]

Do anybody in this motherfucker
work at the grocery store?

Motherfucker.

Everybody somebody
in this motherfucker.

We got lawyers, flight
attendants, and businesses.

-Security!

[ Laughter ]

-That's a good job
right there, motherfucker.

Gun or no gun?
-No gun!

-Okay. If you don't get
your ass up out of here.

Sam, you're a French
ass security guard.

Huh?
-Report and observe. That's me.

-Report and obser-- See.

that's that hood shit
right there.

And you better believe
my boyfriend a crip

I guarantee you.

You just come
in that motherfucker, nigga.

So, it's really your family
that do the security, you like,

"You know who my brother is,
bitch?"

I got an actor, a book writer,

security guard in the back.

Light-skin skinny
ass nigga broke.

What's up, playa?
How you doing?

What you --
you young -- Young cat.

Look like Lebron James'
little son?

Yeah. Yeah.

What -- What you do, playa?
-[No audio]

-Just go to college. Okay. Okay.

[ Cheers and applause ]

We need more of that.

Yeah. Is your family,
who you here with?

You're by yourself?

Oh, you trying
to get you a grown bitch. Huh?

[ Laughter, applause ]

This little young nigga
right here trying to get him

a little pop goes the weasel,
you heard?

Trying to get him
a little gray on the lowdown.

They're gonna strip ya
of your motherfucking strength.

I'ma tell you.

But you want these grown chicks,
nigga, I swear to God, nigga,

you go back to living with
your mama 'cause they will...

Motherfuckers'll
fuck the shit out you.

You'll be like, "Where you get
all this strength, Pearl? Shit.

Damn, Pearl.

You fucking the shit
out of me, Pearl.

With the titties
with the nervous system.

Shit.

Hey, y'all.
I'm Gary "G. Thang" Johnson.

[ Cheers and applause ]

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[Electricity buzzes]
-Funny shyt.