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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:04,162 WWW.MY-SUBS.CO 1 00:00:01,846 --> 00:00:05,184 Marshall and Lily had been together for nine wonderful years, 2 00:00:05,194 --> 00:00:07,954 until she dumped him and ran off to San Francisco. 3 00:00:08,694 --> 00:00:11,339 The healing process was taking a long time. 4 00:00:12,729 --> 00:00:15,581 Then, one night, he made a giant leap forward. 5 00:00:15,591 --> 00:00:17,219 All right, I'll see you guys later. 6 00:00:17,229 --> 00:00:18,358 I'll walk you out. 7 00:00:18,368 --> 00:00:19,602 See ya. 8 00:00:23,892 --> 00:00:25,983 You just checked out Robin's ass. 9 00:00:25,993 --> 00:00:28,065 What? No! No, Barney, I was... 10 00:00:28,075 --> 00:00:30,071 Dude, that's awesome. 11 00:00:30,081 --> 00:00:33,158 You're finally forgetting about that short redhead. 12 00:00:33,239 --> 00:00:33,916 Lily. 13 00:00:33,924 --> 00:00:37,102 Yes, Lily. Thank you. That was going to drive me crazy all night. 14 00:00:37,114 --> 00:00:39,348 Hey, Ted, Marshall just checked out your girlfriend's ass. 15 00:00:39,385 --> 00:00:41,999 - I did not, Ted, I... - That's awesome. 16 00:00:42,014 --> 00:00:43,419 You're finally getting better. 17 00:00:43,433 --> 00:00:45,298 This is the moment I've been waiting for. 18 00:00:45,313 --> 00:00:48,741 Starting tonight, I am going to teach you how to live. 19 00:00:48,755 --> 00:00:50,718 Ted, you had your chance. You're out; Marshall's in. 20 00:00:50,733 --> 00:00:52,071 - Yes! - Oh, God. 21 00:00:52,084 --> 00:00:55,921 Marshall, being a single guy in New York City is like... 22 00:00:56,744 --> 00:00:58,370 What's something everybody likes? 23 00:00:58,386 --> 00:00:59,390 Candy. 24 00:00:59,404 --> 00:01:01,930 Yes, it's like being in a candy store. 25 00:01:01,943 --> 00:01:05,250 You just walk right in and grab yourself some Whoppers. 26 00:01:05,685 --> 00:01:07,129 Yeah. 27 00:01:07,666 --> 00:01:09,230 Is Whoppers the best one? 28 00:01:09,244 --> 00:01:10,319 Mounds. 29 00:01:10,336 --> 00:01:11,648 Milk Duds. 30 00:01:11,663 --> 00:01:13,298 Gobstoppers. 31 00:01:14,116 --> 00:01:16,340 This went on for another hour; 32 00:01:16,353 --> 00:01:17,819 I'll just skip to the end. 33 00:01:17,835 --> 00:01:19,860 - Dubble Bubbles. - Nice! 34 00:01:19,873 --> 00:01:21,581 Marshall. We're doing this. 35 00:01:21,593 --> 00:01:23,521 I am not taking no for an answer. 36 00:01:23,535 --> 00:01:24,798 Fine. 37 00:01:24,816 --> 00:01:26,920 Hey, Robin. Marshall checked out your ass. 38 00:01:26,933 --> 00:01:28,471 Ted, what is wrong with you? 39 00:01:28,483 --> 00:01:30,138 He checked out my ass. 40 00:01:30,156 --> 00:01:33,679 Hey, tell him thanks. I felt like I was having a bad ass day. 41 00:01:33,696 --> 00:01:35,650 Cool, see ya. 42 00:01:38,786 --> 00:01:40,260 Lily. 43 00:01:40,393 --> 00:01:42,558 It is a great ass. 44 00:01:45,133 --> 00:01:49,133 How I Met Your Mother 2x02 "The Scorpion and the Toad" Original Airdate: September 25, 2006 45 00:01:50,599 --> 00:01:54,340 - Synced & Corrected by AdyMcAwsum - www.MY-SUBS.com 46 00:01:57,772 --> 00:02:00,189 None of us had seen Lily in three months. 47 00:02:00,205 --> 00:02:02,197 There were so many unanswered questions, 48 00:02:02,215 --> 00:02:03,817 so many things to say. 49 00:02:03,835 --> 00:02:06,527 Your hair is adorable. 50 00:02:08,224 --> 00:02:11,130 Meanwhile, Barney was taking Marshall out to meet women 51 00:02:11,145 --> 00:02:13,687 for the first time since he was 17. 52 00:02:13,705 --> 00:02:15,958 Hi. Have you met Marshall? 53 00:02:16,705 --> 00:02:18,159 - Hi. - Hi. 54 00:02:19,953 --> 00:02:22,328 Look how sweaty my hands are. 55 00:02:23,203 --> 00:02:25,790 It's weird, right? Uh, sweat? 56 00:02:25,803 --> 00:02:29,770 Like, this smelly water coming out of your skin. 57 00:02:31,725 --> 00:02:33,510 It was nice meeting you. 58 00:02:33,525 --> 00:02:36,270 I-I-I hate to interrupt, but, uh, 59 00:02:36,282 --> 00:02:38,159 do you like magic? 60 00:02:38,172 --> 00:02:40,237 Um, I guess. 61 00:02:41,982 --> 00:02:44,568 Oh, my God! 62 00:02:48,745 --> 00:02:51,289 Anyway, Marshall here is awesome. 63 00:02:51,305 --> 00:02:53,567 Salad in a bag? His idea. 64 00:02:53,743 --> 00:02:56,498 Dude! You were awesome last night. 65 00:02:56,512 --> 00:02:58,220 You were charming, you were funny, 66 00:02:58,233 --> 00:02:59,969 you were totally working that girl. 67 00:02:59,985 --> 00:03:01,369 You went home with her. 68 00:03:01,383 --> 00:03:03,229 Yes, I did. 69 00:03:03,553 --> 00:03:06,527 But she told me that if it wasn't for me, 70 00:03:06,542 --> 00:03:08,067 you would have had a shot with her, 71 00:03:08,083 --> 00:03:10,928 so, in hypothetical terms, you scored last night. 72 00:03:10,944 --> 00:03:12,170 All right! 73 00:03:12,182 --> 00:03:14,049 Hypothetical high five. 74 00:03:15,552 --> 00:03:17,049 Nice. 75 00:03:17,064 --> 00:03:19,388 All right. Tonight, we're going to go to the bar... 76 00:03:19,402 --> 00:03:22,137 Barney, no, I am not going out with you ever again. 77 00:03:22,153 --> 00:03:24,948 Come on! I'll, I'll teach you all of my strategies. 78 00:03:24,964 --> 00:03:25,738 Oh, really? 79 00:03:25,752 --> 00:03:27,887 My favorite, number seven: 80 00:03:27,905 --> 00:03:29,798 create a mystery about yourself. 81 00:03:29,814 --> 00:03:33,578 That way, they become so intrigued, they have to hang out with you all night. 82 00:03:33,595 --> 00:03:35,630 Oh, come on, does that really work? 83 00:03:35,642 --> 00:03:38,650 Maybe it does, and maybe it doesn't. 84 00:03:41,112 --> 00:03:43,757 Damn it, that's intriguing. Okay, I'm in. 85 00:03:46,772 --> 00:03:48,908 - I have something you've got to hear. - You will not believe what just happened. 86 00:03:48,925 --> 00:03:50,519 You go first. 87 00:03:51,563 --> 00:03:54,427 I found a 1939d penny on the subway. 88 00:03:54,503 --> 00:03:57,408 Just imagine the kind of history this little copper guy... 89 00:03:57,422 --> 00:03:59,070 Lily's back in town. 90 00:03:59,214 --> 00:04:01,707 And you let me go first? 91 00:04:01,723 --> 00:04:02,688 Have you seen her? 92 00:04:02,702 --> 00:04:06,180 Yeah. I actually went apartment-hunting with her today. 93 00:04:06,194 --> 00:04:07,750 How's she doing? 94 00:04:07,764 --> 00:04:09,498 You're not going to like it. 95 00:04:09,764 --> 00:04:12,018 I am doing great. 96 00:04:12,033 --> 00:04:14,168 This summer, best thing ever! 97 00:04:14,184 --> 00:04:16,938 San Francisco is so happening right now. 98 00:04:16,954 --> 00:04:18,500 She's happy?! 99 00:04:18,514 --> 00:04:21,818 Marshall had the worst summer of his life, and she's happy. 100 00:04:22,453 --> 00:04:26,249 Yeah, and I suppose her art program was all fulfilling or whatever. 101 00:04:26,262 --> 00:04:29,969 Oh. The art program... best thing ever. 102 00:04:30,082 --> 00:04:31,900 Oh, my God. 103 00:04:31,914 --> 00:04:33,780 This is your best work. 104 00:04:33,794 --> 00:04:36,949 In all my years teaching, I've never seen anything so... 105 00:04:37,413 --> 00:04:41,648 Needless to say, this is art. 106 00:04:42,675 --> 00:04:44,988 I can't teach you anything. 107 00:04:48,435 --> 00:04:50,448 But the best part of S.F.... 108 00:04:50,464 --> 00:04:52,640 Oh, that's what we call San Francisco... 109 00:04:52,652 --> 00:04:53,780 the people. 110 00:04:53,795 --> 00:04:56,038 Even just riding around on the bus all summer. 111 00:04:56,055 --> 00:04:59,397 It was like a human tapestry. 112 00:04:59,522 --> 00:05:01,037 Hi, I'm Mike. 113 00:05:01,053 --> 00:05:04,120 I'm a Buddhist monk slash adventure-traveler writer. 114 00:05:04,234 --> 00:05:07,670 I'm Paula. I sing in a punk band for children. 115 00:05:07,683 --> 00:05:08,997 Yeah. 116 00:05:09,012 --> 00:05:10,808 I'm Dan, I'm a neurosurgeon. 117 00:05:10,824 --> 00:05:13,038 You are stunning, by the way. 118 00:05:15,335 --> 00:05:17,887 Wow. I'm so happy for you. 119 00:05:17,903 --> 00:05:20,479 Oh, she's such a... 120 00:05:22,112 --> 00:05:25,528 After what she did to Marshall, she should come back here devastated, 121 00:05:25,554 --> 00:05:29,290 crawling on all fours over the broken glass of her own shame and regret. 122 00:05:29,302 --> 00:05:31,630 You never chose sides. I respect that. 123 00:05:31,642 --> 00:05:33,390 She's unbelievable. Unbelievable. 124 00:05:33,402 --> 00:05:35,800 Unbelievable? What's unbelievable? 125 00:05:35,812 --> 00:05:37,157 Oh. Listen, Marshall. 126 00:05:37,174 --> 00:05:41,110 Ted found a penny on the subway, and it's old, and that's interesting. 127 00:05:44,175 --> 00:05:45,758 Way to go. 128 00:05:48,644 --> 00:05:51,499 Okay, first of all, that is interesting. 129 00:05:51,512 --> 00:05:52,968 Second, we have to tell him. 130 00:05:52,984 --> 00:05:56,647 No, we don't. He's just starting to get better, going out with Barney. 131 00:05:56,663 --> 00:05:59,919 I mean, how do you think he's going to feel when he hears Lily's moved on? 132 00:05:59,933 --> 00:06:02,280 - She's moved on? - It happens. 133 00:06:02,295 --> 00:06:04,397 I've fallen out of love faster than that before, 134 00:06:04,414 --> 00:06:07,020 sometimes, boom, with no warning whatsoever. 135 00:06:07,035 --> 00:06:10,087 One day we're in love, the next day, he's dead to me. 136 00:06:11,084 --> 00:06:13,277 But we're great. 137 00:06:13,295 --> 00:06:14,998 Honey. 138 00:06:17,565 --> 00:06:20,470 Now, let's review Barney's rules for mating without dating. 139 00:06:20,483 --> 00:06:23,017 Lesson two, corollary five. 140 00:06:23,035 --> 00:06:26,397 Make a beautiful woman feel self-conscious and unattractive 141 00:06:26,412 --> 00:06:27,770 and she'll be putty in your hands. 142 00:06:27,773 --> 00:06:30,227 Excellent. Have you chosen your entree? 143 00:06:30,244 --> 00:06:33,090 I have. Sweet brunette, eight o'clock. 144 00:06:33,105 --> 00:06:34,868 Nine o'clock. Ten... thirty. 145 00:06:34,885 --> 00:06:36,639 She's walking to the bar. 146 00:06:37,570 --> 00:06:39,477 - Her? Really? - Yeah. 147 00:06:39,488 --> 00:06:42,555 No, you're right. Ambition is the enemy of success. 148 00:06:42,563 --> 00:06:44,261 Okay. Hit it. 149 00:06:48,225 --> 00:06:50,630 What's the matter, four eyes, you got astigmatism or something? 150 00:06:50,643 --> 00:06:52,557 I'm sorry, I was trying to playfully disarm you, 151 00:06:52,594 --> 00:06:54,039 but I just got out of a long relationship. 152 00:06:54,074 --> 00:06:56,278 I have no idea what I'm doing. 153 00:06:57,133 --> 00:06:58,127 I'm Marshall. 154 00:06:58,143 --> 00:07:00,407 Hi, Marshall. Amy. 155 00:07:00,423 --> 00:07:02,298 Don't worry. I've been there. 156 00:07:02,314 --> 00:07:03,777 Hold on. 157 00:07:03,793 --> 00:07:05,957 Nice recovery. I think it's working. 158 00:07:05,972 --> 00:07:08,737 Um, Amy. This is my friend, Barney. 159 00:07:08,755 --> 00:07:10,620 Barney, this is Amy. 160 00:07:10,633 --> 00:07:12,498 Hi, Barney. Nice to meet you. 161 00:07:12,514 --> 00:07:13,947 Hi. 162 00:07:14,683 --> 00:07:18,299 Amy, do you like... magic? 163 00:07:18,312 --> 00:07:21,217 - I hate you. - I am so sorry. 164 00:07:21,232 --> 00:07:24,368 It's a sickness. I'm the real victim here. 165 00:07:24,385 --> 00:07:25,578 Twice. 166 00:07:25,592 --> 00:07:29,359 Twice in a row, you took my candy. That was my candy. 167 00:07:29,375 --> 00:07:32,499 - I know, but tonight... - No. Forget it. 168 00:07:32,513 --> 00:07:34,989 You're such a jackass. 169 00:07:37,574 --> 00:07:39,799 I thought you were gonna call me a jerk. 170 00:07:40,684 --> 00:07:43,379 All right, I'm sorry. I will make it up to you. 171 00:07:43,395 --> 00:07:46,327 Tonight, we'll go to a college bar near NYU... 172 00:07:46,342 --> 00:07:48,248 The Scorpion and the Toad. 173 00:07:48,264 --> 00:07:51,578 I figure in a younger crowd you'll seem more mature, more worldly 174 00:07:51,592 --> 00:07:55,100 and, as a third-year law student, more smarter. 175 00:07:59,234 --> 00:08:01,529 Okay, but no magic. 176 00:08:04,094 --> 00:08:05,817 How did you do that? 177 00:08:05,834 --> 00:08:07,968 I'm taking a leak, dumb ass. 178 00:08:09,765 --> 00:08:13,040 The next day, Robin and I went apartment-hunting with aunt Lily. 179 00:08:13,054 --> 00:08:15,720 But I need the freedom to really chase my passion, 180 00:08:15,734 --> 00:08:17,977 which was painting, but now I think it's music 181 00:08:17,995 --> 00:08:19,888 or spoken word... maybe both. 182 00:08:19,904 --> 00:08:22,057 God! Isn't life amazing? 183 00:08:22,073 --> 00:08:24,757 It is so great to see you, Ted. 184 00:08:24,925 --> 00:08:27,737 I'm going to get the key from the lockbox. 185 00:08:30,564 --> 00:08:31,519 What? 186 00:08:31,532 --> 00:08:34,298 She's miserable. She's realized she's made a huge mistake. 187 00:08:34,314 --> 00:08:36,710 Her and Marshall will be back together in a week. I love it! 188 00:08:36,723 --> 00:08:38,897 Um, no. You just want Lily to be miserable. 189 00:08:38,914 --> 00:08:40,189 The truth is, she's happy. 190 00:08:40,203 --> 00:08:42,230 Trust me. I've known Lily for nine years. 191 00:08:42,243 --> 00:08:43,489 Trust me. I'm a girl. 192 00:08:43,504 --> 00:08:45,358 Yeah, but you're Canadian. 193 00:08:45,373 --> 00:08:47,679 - Why do you always have to bring that up? - You're our weird neighbors to the north. 194 00:08:47,715 --> 00:08:51,818 - You bring it up every time. - Five bucks says she still wants Marshall. 195 00:08:51,833 --> 00:08:53,109 You're on. 196 00:08:53,123 --> 00:08:54,629 Five American bucks. 197 00:08:54,645 --> 00:08:56,289 Damn it. 198 00:08:56,414 --> 00:08:58,658 Okay, so how do we get the truth out of her. 199 00:08:58,673 --> 00:09:00,578 Tequila. It's her weakness. 200 00:09:00,593 --> 00:09:03,190 Three shots, she'll tell you the truth about anything. 201 00:09:03,533 --> 00:09:06,429 I hope this is my new home. 202 00:09:08,795 --> 00:09:11,919 Yeah, I'm going to take that first apartment. 203 00:09:13,084 --> 00:09:15,098 Marshall Eriksen, suit up! 204 00:09:15,114 --> 00:09:15,858 No way. 205 00:09:15,875 --> 00:09:17,529 Yeah, you're good in that. 206 00:09:17,543 --> 00:09:19,628 - Let's go. - Wait. 207 00:09:19,644 --> 00:09:21,437 Empty your pockets. 208 00:09:22,365 --> 00:09:23,678 Come on. 209 00:09:28,872 --> 00:09:31,150 - Come on, let's... - Sleeves. 210 00:09:31,163 --> 00:09:34,188 - There is nothing in my... - Oh, is that right? 211 00:09:41,375 --> 00:09:42,890 Let's go. 212 00:09:43,312 --> 00:09:47,480 - Behind my ear. - There is nothing behind your... 213 00:09:53,014 --> 00:09:55,698 Yeah, I'm in pre-law. The workload's killing me, though. 214 00:09:55,713 --> 00:09:59,099 Oh, tell me about it. I'm third year at Columbia Law, so... 215 00:09:59,114 --> 00:10:02,397 if the workload does kill you, I can probably get a conviction. 216 00:10:03,433 --> 00:10:04,859 Yeah. 217 00:10:04,873 --> 00:10:06,857 You must be majoring in chemistry, 218 00:10:06,872 --> 00:10:09,958 'cause what I'm picking up between us is, uh... 219 00:10:10,652 --> 00:10:13,238 College lesbian phase. 220 00:10:16,784 --> 00:10:20,760 Listen, I got to go, but it'd be great to see you again. 221 00:10:20,912 --> 00:10:23,079 Yes, it would. 222 00:10:23,313 --> 00:10:25,399 It really would. 223 00:10:26,024 --> 00:10:28,568 Well, maybe I'll see you here sometime. 224 00:10:28,693 --> 00:10:31,439 Probably not. I'm never here, so... 225 00:10:31,663 --> 00:10:33,578 You know, I do have a phone number. 226 00:10:33,595 --> 00:10:35,200 Great. 227 00:10:35,595 --> 00:10:37,320 Nice. 228 00:10:37,432 --> 00:10:39,768 - Hi, I'm Barney. - Oh, no. 229 00:10:39,784 --> 00:10:43,560 Do you... mind giving my friend your phone number? 230 00:10:43,574 --> 00:10:45,250 Sure. 231 00:10:46,982 --> 00:10:48,569 Whoo! 232 00:10:48,583 --> 00:10:51,400 I did it! I got a girl's phone number. 233 00:10:51,414 --> 00:10:53,850 Oh, and her handwriting is so cute, look. 234 00:10:53,862 --> 00:10:55,478 Oh, I'm gonna take her out for Chinese food 235 00:10:55,514 --> 00:10:56,997 and then maybe we'll walk through the park. 236 00:10:57,033 --> 00:10:59,317 It'll be so... what? 237 00:10:59,553 --> 00:11:02,527 Sorry, buddy, I'm taking this one, too. 238 00:11:07,262 --> 00:11:08,848 I'll kill you! 239 00:11:08,865 --> 00:11:11,319 And then, I discovered this area, North Beach. 240 00:11:11,334 --> 00:11:13,108 Best beach ever! 241 00:11:13,122 --> 00:11:16,459 Oh, I've been blabbering on about my summer. 242 00:11:16,472 --> 00:11:18,180 How are you guys doing? 243 00:11:18,194 --> 00:11:19,900 And hey, how's Marshall? 244 00:11:19,914 --> 00:11:21,799 - Give me the card! - I'm not giving you any card. 245 00:11:21,835 --> 00:11:23,247 - I swear...! - You are not getting...! 246 00:11:23,283 --> 00:11:24,529 Terrific. 247 00:11:24,544 --> 00:11:27,438 That is so good to hear. Oh, hold on. 248 00:11:27,455 --> 00:11:30,168 This could be about the apartment. 249 00:11:30,704 --> 00:11:32,758 Okay, we're way past truth-telling-Lilly 250 00:11:32,773 --> 00:11:35,077 and about to hit Cinco-de-Mayo-1998-Lilly 251 00:11:35,093 --> 00:11:37,019 and I'm not cleaning that up again. 252 00:11:37,035 --> 00:11:40,137 So, congratulations, you win. 253 00:11:40,154 --> 00:11:42,180 She's happy. 254 00:11:42,192 --> 00:11:43,969 I didn't get it. 255 00:11:44,122 --> 00:11:46,490 That first apartment, I... 256 00:11:46,504 --> 00:11:48,618 I waited too long and... 257 00:11:48,633 --> 00:11:51,088 somebody else got it. 258 00:11:53,932 --> 00:11:56,318 Interesting. 259 00:11:56,632 --> 00:11:58,409 Wow, Lily, you, uh... 260 00:11:58,423 --> 00:12:01,357 seem to be having a pretty strong reaction on losing an apartment. 261 00:12:01,374 --> 00:12:04,400 I wonder if it's because it reminds you of something else you lost 262 00:12:04,412 --> 00:12:06,679 because you couldn't commit. 263 00:12:06,693 --> 00:12:09,510 No, Lily, you're crying over the crown molding 264 00:12:09,525 --> 00:12:12,770 and the real hardwood floors. There's no deeper meaning. 265 00:12:12,783 --> 00:12:15,759 Right, Lily? Just quit crying and tell him. 266 00:12:16,694 --> 00:12:21,759 The apartment is a metaphor for Marshall. 267 00:12:27,799 --> 00:12:29,332 - Stop it! - You don't want to see... 268 00:12:29,346 --> 00:12:30,853 - ..what I'm like when I'm angry. - It's my card! 269 00:12:30,869 --> 00:12:32,402 Stop! Hold on! 270 00:12:32,419 --> 00:12:34,133 If we can't settle this like gentlemen, 271 00:12:34,149 --> 00:12:35,282 then no one gets the number. 272 00:12:35,296 --> 00:12:38,123 - No! Stop the cab. - Wha...? 273 00:12:39,247 --> 00:12:42,484 No, wait. Come on. Marshall! 274 00:12:42,496 --> 00:12:44,744 81st and First, please. 275 00:12:47,378 --> 00:12:50,472 Ah, she does have cute handwriting. 276 00:12:51,436 --> 00:12:52,922 The thing about a hangover 277 00:12:52,938 --> 00:12:55,373 is that everyone has their own special remedy. 278 00:12:55,388 --> 00:12:56,614 Morning, guys. What can I get you? 279 00:12:56,648 --> 00:12:57,872 Shh! 280 00:12:57,888 --> 00:13:00,931 Bring me the dirtiest, greasiest tuna melt you got. 281 00:13:00,949 --> 00:13:02,633 And a milkshake. 282 00:13:02,648 --> 00:13:04,251 For you, sir? 283 00:13:04,987 --> 00:13:06,542 Gravy. 284 00:13:07,668 --> 00:13:10,092 You want that gravy on something? 285 00:13:10,106 --> 00:13:11,873 Surprise me. 286 00:13:11,889 --> 00:13:15,913 I'd take you with gravy if my boyfriend wasn't sitting right here. 287 00:13:15,929 --> 00:13:18,383 Just kidding. I'm good. 288 00:13:19,607 --> 00:13:21,862 What are you so chirpy about? 289 00:13:21,876 --> 00:13:23,933 She's still drunk from last night. 290 00:13:23,948 --> 00:13:25,803 I don't think so. 291 00:13:25,817 --> 00:13:28,004 Whoo! 292 00:13:30,017 --> 00:13:32,422 Look, if you want Marshall back so bad, 293 00:13:32,438 --> 00:13:34,893 how come it took you two days to even ask about him? 294 00:13:34,909 --> 00:13:38,583 I was dying to ask. I was just trying to play it cool. 295 00:13:38,598 --> 00:13:39,904 But really... 296 00:13:39,918 --> 00:13:41,713 But it's good, I mean, work is great... 297 00:13:41,726 --> 00:13:43,714 Come on, say something about Marshall. Where's Marshall? 298 00:13:43,748 --> 00:13:45,403 How's Marshall? What's Marshall doing right now? 299 00:13:45,437 --> 00:13:47,844 Shut up and talk about Marshall. Shut up and talk about Marshall. 300 00:13:47,878 --> 00:13:50,184 Shut up and talk about Marshall. Marshall, Marshall, 301 00:13:50,198 --> 00:13:52,652 Marshall, Marshall... I've got to ask! 302 00:13:52,669 --> 00:13:54,852 And hey, how's Marshall? 303 00:13:54,869 --> 00:13:56,711 It was such an awful summer. 304 00:13:56,728 --> 00:13:59,232 I just wanted to get back here and see him. 305 00:13:59,246 --> 00:14:01,403 But I thought your summer was great. 306 00:14:01,419 --> 00:14:03,434 Not exactly. 307 00:14:03,448 --> 00:14:05,833 Oh, my God. 308 00:14:05,876 --> 00:14:08,534 This is you best work? 309 00:14:08,859 --> 00:14:13,523 In all my years teaching, I've never seen anything so needless. 310 00:14:13,538 --> 00:14:17,311 To say this is... art... 311 00:14:18,658 --> 00:14:20,933 I can't teach you anything. 312 00:14:21,719 --> 00:14:26,174 So all those interesting people you met on the bus? 313 00:14:26,186 --> 00:14:27,811 Yeah, um... 314 00:14:27,869 --> 00:14:29,824 Hi. I'm Mike. 315 00:14:29,839 --> 00:14:33,631 I'm a Buddhist monk slash adventure travel writer. 316 00:14:33,647 --> 00:14:38,372 I'm Paula. I sing in a punk band for children. 317 00:14:38,387 --> 00:14:44,704 Hey, I'm Dan. I'm a neurosurgeon. You are stunning, by the way. 318 00:14:45,346 --> 00:14:48,361 I never got in touch because I was too embarrassed. 319 00:14:48,379 --> 00:14:50,074 I screwed everything up. 320 00:14:50,087 --> 00:14:53,151 I have no job, no place to live. 321 00:14:53,178 --> 00:14:56,204 I lost the love of my life. 322 00:14:56,438 --> 00:14:59,691 I know I have no right to ask this, but... 323 00:14:59,709 --> 00:15:02,173 do you think Marshall would take me back? 324 00:15:02,189 --> 00:15:03,533 In a heartbeat. 325 00:15:03,547 --> 00:15:07,214 If you called him up, yeah, he'd take you back with open arms. 326 00:15:07,227 --> 00:15:10,301 Wow. So maybe I should call him. 327 00:15:10,319 --> 00:15:11,773 Maybe. 328 00:15:12,149 --> 00:15:14,812 No! This is... Ow! 329 00:15:15,958 --> 00:15:17,152 Hold on. 330 00:15:17,168 --> 00:15:19,574 Look, if you're going to go back to him, 331 00:15:19,589 --> 00:15:20,721 I don't want to hear the word "maybe." 332 00:15:20,737 --> 00:15:22,863 "Maybe" cannot be in your vocabulary. 333 00:15:22,879 --> 00:15:24,673 This breakup almost killed him. 334 00:15:24,688 --> 00:15:27,032 And he cannot go through it again. 335 00:15:27,047 --> 00:15:32,062 So, unless you're absolutely certain, stay the hell away from him. 336 00:15:35,589 --> 00:15:38,213 This guy likes pennies. 337 00:15:41,127 --> 00:15:42,032 Hi, Marshall. 338 00:15:42,048 --> 00:15:44,204 No, go away. I don't want to talk to you. 339 00:15:44,217 --> 00:15:49,423 Okay, I know what I did a couple nights back is in a moral gray area. 340 00:15:49,437 --> 00:15:52,852 But the great news is, she loved you. 341 00:15:52,869 --> 00:15:55,081 If things had gone your way... you'd gone out a couple times, 342 00:15:55,116 --> 00:15:57,393 I think she definitely would have had sex with you. 343 00:15:57,408 --> 00:15:59,952 There's no "would" in sex. 344 00:16:01,658 --> 00:16:05,151 You're right, I totally... I'm just no good at this, Barney. 345 00:16:05,166 --> 00:16:08,293 I'm good at being in a couple, I'm good at being Lily's boyfriend. 346 00:16:08,308 --> 00:16:10,372 Being single... forget it. 347 00:16:10,386 --> 00:16:11,932 Come on, you can't give up now. 348 00:16:11,948 --> 00:16:14,204 What if I told you that you could relive that night 349 00:16:14,217 --> 00:16:17,021 with the exact same conversations, the exact same jokes 350 00:16:17,039 --> 00:16:20,423 only this time, you get her and I don't. 351 00:16:20,437 --> 00:16:21,591 That's not possible. 352 00:16:21,607 --> 00:16:23,051 Oh, but it is. 353 00:16:23,066 --> 00:16:24,712 She has... 354 00:16:24,727 --> 00:16:26,334 wait for it... 355 00:16:26,347 --> 00:16:27,974 here it comes... 356 00:16:27,988 --> 00:16:29,584 almost there... 357 00:16:29,596 --> 00:16:31,554 an identical twin. 358 00:16:31,566 --> 00:16:33,122 Yes! 359 00:16:33,337 --> 00:16:35,291 A twin isn't the same person. 360 00:16:35,307 --> 00:16:37,612 Of course it is. What do you think identical means? 361 00:16:37,629 --> 00:16:40,684 "Ident"... same, "ical"... person. Same person. 362 00:16:41,097 --> 00:16:43,454 Hey, we could double date. 363 00:16:44,678 --> 00:16:46,012 Fine. 364 00:16:46,029 --> 00:16:49,171 But you have to promise me, you're not going to steal my new twin, 365 00:16:49,186 --> 00:16:53,553 and leave me with your old, used-up twin. 366 00:16:53,626 --> 00:16:55,262 U sed-up? 367 00:16:55,277 --> 00:16:58,064 They're a human being, Marshall. 368 00:16:59,626 --> 00:17:01,962 So Uncle Marshall and Uncle Barney went out 369 00:17:01,976 --> 00:17:04,334 on a double date with the twins. 370 00:17:05,046 --> 00:17:06,431 How you doing? 371 00:17:06,449 --> 00:17:09,231 Great. Amazing. This is so much fun. 372 00:17:09,248 --> 00:17:10,964 And I think me and the girl are really clicking. 373 00:17:10,996 --> 00:17:12,652 You are, you definitely are. 374 00:17:12,666 --> 00:17:14,814 Listen, you're going to have to leave now. 375 00:17:14,826 --> 00:17:16,654 I just talked with the twins, and get this, 376 00:17:16,669 --> 00:17:19,653 I'm going home with both of them. 377 00:17:19,668 --> 00:17:22,871 Yeah. That's happening. 378 00:17:23,217 --> 00:17:26,043 It is impossible that you're doing this to me again. 379 00:17:26,057 --> 00:17:28,501 But they're twins. 380 00:17:28,518 --> 00:17:30,774 You... you said to me that being single 381 00:17:30,786 --> 00:17:32,484 would be like being in a candy store. 382 00:17:32,497 --> 00:17:34,354 Well, it's not, it's not like a candy store. 383 00:17:34,368 --> 00:17:37,464 It's a lawless, post-apocalyptic wasteland. 384 00:17:37,476 --> 00:17:39,443 - I may be your best friend... - Actually Ted's my best friend. 385 00:17:39,476 --> 00:17:43,191 But in this world, it's every hombre for himself. 386 00:17:43,207 --> 00:17:45,231 That's what being single is. 387 00:17:45,246 --> 00:17:47,201 And after nine years in captivity, 388 00:17:47,216 --> 00:17:49,302 that is the single greatest lesson I can teach you 389 00:17:49,316 --> 00:17:51,412 about surviving in the wild. 390 00:17:51,426 --> 00:17:53,221 Now, if you'll excuse me... 391 00:17:53,238 --> 00:17:55,313 I have two unique breasts 392 00:17:55,327 --> 00:17:58,253 and two duplicates waiting for me. 393 00:18:02,488 --> 00:18:05,162 Oh, bad news... Marshall got food poisoning. 394 00:18:05,177 --> 00:18:06,273 - What? - Oh, no. 395 00:18:06,287 --> 00:18:08,411 That's too bad. I really liked him. 396 00:18:08,427 --> 00:18:12,721 Yeah. Well, I guess we're just a threesome tonight. 397 00:18:23,106 --> 00:18:26,062 Lily, what are you doing here? 398 00:18:26,078 --> 00:18:29,344 Oh, I was just walking by. I wasn't... 399 00:18:29,379 --> 00:18:32,163 Oh, you mean New York? My program ended. 400 00:18:32,177 --> 00:18:35,023 It was just great. Just lots of fun... 401 00:18:35,036 --> 00:18:38,184 It was awful. It was the worst mistake I ever made. 402 00:18:38,198 --> 00:18:41,581 I'm so sorry, Marshall, and... hello. 403 00:18:43,868 --> 00:18:46,842 Lily, this was the worst summer of my life. 404 00:18:46,856 --> 00:18:49,572 I know. It was the worst summer of my life. 405 00:18:49,587 --> 00:18:52,602 It was the hardest thing that I've ever had to go through. 406 00:18:53,778 --> 00:18:56,494 Can we please get back together? 407 00:18:57,528 --> 00:19:00,753 All that crap you said to me about, 408 00:19:00,767 --> 00:19:04,173 "we need to figure out who we are outside of us, 409 00:19:04,188 --> 00:19:07,124 and we need to learn to do things on our own," 410 00:19:07,997 --> 00:19:10,211 it broke my heart. 411 00:19:11,658 --> 00:19:14,232 Three months ago, you broke my heart. 412 00:19:16,099 --> 00:19:19,183 Can we please get back together? 413 00:19:20,536 --> 00:19:22,512 Lily, you were right. 414 00:19:24,069 --> 00:19:26,454 All that crap was right. 415 00:19:27,929 --> 00:19:29,852 So, no. 416 00:19:30,298 --> 00:19:32,532 No, we can't get back together. 417 00:19:32,546 --> 00:19:34,284 We shouldn't. 418 00:19:34,477 --> 00:19:36,623 At least, not right now. 419 00:19:39,027 --> 00:19:40,664 Wow. 420 00:19:40,958 --> 00:19:42,643 Okay. 421 00:19:43,928 --> 00:19:45,661 Yeah. 422 00:19:47,317 --> 00:19:48,773 Well... 423 00:19:50,766 --> 00:19:53,362 Will we still see each other? 424 00:19:53,836 --> 00:19:55,934 Yeah, yeah. 425 00:19:55,948 --> 00:19:57,633 I think so. 426 00:19:59,158 --> 00:20:00,883 I don't know. 427 00:20:02,089 --> 00:20:04,361 This is all really new to me. 428 00:20:05,779 --> 00:20:08,584 I just got out of a long relationship. 429 00:20:12,848 --> 00:20:14,493 I like your hair. 430 00:20:14,749 --> 00:20:16,554 Thanks. 431 00:20:16,728 --> 00:20:20,494 I figured new city, a different color... 432 00:20:32,814 --> 00:20:36,307 And the pizza there, worst pizza ever. 433 00:20:36,322 --> 00:20:39,618 I'm so glad to be back in New York. 434 00:20:41,153 --> 00:20:44,759 Listen, if there's anything I can do to even begin 435 00:20:44,772 --> 00:20:47,339 to make things up to you... 436 00:20:49,923 --> 00:20:52,447 Actually there may be something that you can do for me, 437 00:20:52,462 --> 00:20:55,949 but you can never ever ask me why. 438 00:20:55,963 --> 00:20:59,167 So then I was promoted to assistant ménage-er... 439 00:20:59,182 --> 00:21:02,240 Manager... why do I keep doing that? 440 00:21:03,743 --> 00:21:07,318 - Lily? - You gave me chlamydia, you jerk. 441 00:21:11,814 --> 00:21:15,089 So where was I? Ah, yes, assistant ménage-er... 442 00:21:15,104 --> 00:21:18,149 I did it again. I can't believe it. 443 00:21:19,032 --> 00:21:24,228 You gave my twin sister chlamydia. You slime! 444 00:21:26,352 --> 00:21:28,830 Wha... wait, I know magic. 445 00:21:32,363 --> 00:21:34,817 Well played, Eriksen. 446 00:21:34,835 --> 00:21:37,349 Well played. 447 00:21:39,055 --> 00:21:44,055 - Synced & Corrected by AdyMcAwsum - www.MY-SUBS.com 33061

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