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Okay where were we?

It was June of 2006,

and life had just taken
an unexpected turn.

Dad, can't you just skip ahead
to the part where you meet Mom?

I feel like you've been
talking for like a year.

Honey, all this stuff I'm
telling you is important.

It's all part of the story.

- Could I go to the bathroom?
- No.

The summer of 2006 was
both wonderful and awful.

For me, it started out great.

In fact, day one was amazing.

I'd finally gotten together with Robin.

But while I'd been off having
one of the best nights of my life,

your uncle Marshall had been having
one of the worst nights of his.

So that's it?

We're breaking up?

Marshall, I'm sorry. I just...

I just need to go to San Francisco
and do this art program and

-and figure out who I am outside of us.

And the only way that
I can do that is if...

if we don't talk for a while.

For a while.

Try never, okay?

You walk out that door, and we're done.

You're never going to
hear my voice again.

I should call her.

- No, No. -
Ted it is...

If you call her when she asked you
not to you're just going to look weak

and you're going to regret it.

Now, listen, whenever you feel like
calling her, you come find me first.

And I will punch you in the face.

You're a good friend, Ted.

Hey.

So, did you hear the big news?

You mean how Lily and Marshall broke up,

and Lily's gone and nothing else even
remotely important happened last night,

yeah, I think he knows.

Oh, my God.

I-I'm so
sorry. Wh...

What happened?

Well, she left.

And I don't even know
if she's coming back.

I didn't get your
message until I woke up.

- Bro, I am so sorry.
- Thanks.

I know it must be tough,

but are you ready to hear something
that will not only make you feel better,

but will actively excite you?

Sure.

For the first time, ever, the three
of us are single at the same time.

I've dreamed about this day, boys,
and it's going to be legendary.

Together, we will own this city.

Anytime a girl wants to get
back at her ex-boyfriends,

we'll be there.

Anytime a girl wants to
solve her father issues

through promiscuity and binge
drinking, we will be there.

Anytime a bachelorette party
drives through the city in a limo,

sticking their heads
out the sunroof shouting,

"What's up, New York?"

we will be what is up New York.

Gentlemen, we are about to embark on...

Aw, man, you guys did it, didn't you?

How I Met Your Mother 2x01
"Where Were We"
Original Airdate: September 18, 2006

- Synced & Corrected by AdyMcAwsum -
www.MY-SUBS.com

One thing I learned that summer
is that when love is beginning...

...and love is ending, the first
30 days are remarkably similar.

For one thing, you spend
most of your time in bed.

Your friends can't
stand to listen to you.

It was a really beautiful song.

So... stupid, man.

And you never seem to wear pants.

- Hey, Marshall.
- Hey, Ted.

You hungry?

What's the point? I could eat some food.

It's just going to leave me.

Well, at least in that scenario
you get to do the dumping.

Come on, it's Sunday. It's pancakes day.

Lily always made the pancakes.

God, I loved her pancakes.

So soft. So warm.

So perfectly shaped.

Are we still talking about her pancakes?

Come on, you got to eat
something; what can I get you?

- Beer.
- No, that's what you had for dinner.

Fine.

Then I'll just have leftovers.

So, he stays home all
the time not getting laid?

No, see, that's what you
do when you have a fiancée.

He should be down here
celebrating. He's free.

He got that redheaded tumor removed.

You should write and
illustrate children's books.

You know what Marshall needs to do.

He needs to stop being sad.

When I get sad, I stop being
sad and be awesome instead.

True story.

It's only been a month.

He just needs to go at his own pace.

Anyway, Lily's the one
who caused this whole mess.

Hey, cut her some slack.

She's our friend, too. She's just
trying to figure out who she is.

Figure out who she is?

Yeah, she should call
me; I got a whole list.

She's selfish. She's immature. She's...

What?

God, your eyes are so blue.

Teddy Bear.

Oh that's a...

Yeah, it was hard to feel too bad.

I was dating the woman of my
dreams, and things were going great.

Well, for the most part.

So, I found her shampoo.

I guess she left it here.

It smells like her.

Like lavender and seashells and hope.

Somehow, erotic and comforting
all at the same time.

That's my shampoo.

Oh, sorry.

Mmm, I thought he'd never go to sleep.

- Uh-oh.
- Already?

He's calling her.

- I don't hear any...
- He's calling her.

No.

Okay, you're right, I won't call her.

I will not call her.

Well, I called her.

And get this, she changed her number.

What, like I'm going to
stalk her, or something?

Like she's so special.

Like she's the only
Lily Aldrin out there.

'Cause there are four others
in the San Francisco area alone,

and they all seem a lot better than her

based on the brief
conversations I had with them.

- Does he know I'm in here?
- Yeah, hey, Robin.

- Anyways, one of the Lily Aldrins said...
- This has to stop.

Ted, we just started dating.

We agreed we don't
want to move too fast,

and yet somehow, we have a baby.

He can't feed himself.

- He cries a lot, he keeps us up all
night. - Have you tried breast-feeding?

Nailed it!

Look, they were together nine years.

It's only been a month and a half.

He just needs to go at his own pace.

He slept on our floor last night, Ted.

- He watched a scary movie.
- It is time for some tough love.

We need to get him
out of that apartment.

He needs fresh air. He needs sunshine.

Mmm, sunshine.

Gentlemen, please welcome
to the stage, Sunshine.

All right, I really don't
think this is going to help.

Do you know why you're
not over Lily yet?

It's 'cause you can
still picture her naked.

You can't get over a woman until
you can no longer picture her boobs;

it's a scientific fact.

The average male brain can only store a
finite number of boob images or "b-pegs".

And your hard drive's filled
to capacity with Lily's.

There are a lot of them.

Well, they won't go away
until you overwrite them

with images of other women's boobs.

Now, this journey may take
as many as a million boobs,

so we begin here tonight, my friend.

Two at a time.

Those count as four.

Yeah.

This is fun right? We're
outside, it's a beautiful day.

The Indians are winning.

I got to admit, it is
really nice to be outside.

Yankee fans, please turn your attention
to the Diamond Vision for a special

- seventh-inning-stretch
surprise - Oh, no.

It's all a big lie!

She's just going to break your heart.

You can drag me out of
here, but she has no soul!

We've tried everything...
baseball, strippers.

The guy still won't eat a damn pancake.

I think he's beyond repair.

See, this is the problem with guys.

You don't know how to
deal with heartbreak.

Oh, and what's your
prescription, Dr. Estrogen?

Eat Haagen-Dazs and watch Love
Actually, till your periods sync up.

Yeah, that's the stuff.

Oh, my God.

How long have you been doing this?

Well, my dad taught me
to shoot when I was a kid.

Whenever I'm feeling lonely
or depressed, I come here,

and it reminds me that... guns are fun.

Um, you know, Ted is
kind of against guns.

And that's why Ted's never
going to find out about this.

Whoa, that sounded kind of scary
with me holding a gun, didn't it?

No, I-I just mean,
please don't tell Ted.

You want to try?

Only hell yeah.

Oh, yeah, yeah, this is what I needed.

I felt so powerless this
whole time, but this...

this is power. This is...

I should of mentioned the recoil.

I got to hand it to you, when he
got home, Marshall was smiling...

did you sleep with him?

'Cause I was actually, like, three
days away from suggesting that.

Sometimes, all you need is to get
in touch with your feminine side.

- Yeah, yeah!
- Well, congratulations.

You're the first person
to cheer him up all summer.

- You win.
- Oh, what do I win?

I'll tell you what you win: I'm
taking you away this weekend.

You are? That's so nice.

Yeah, my aunt and uncle have
a beach house out in Montauk,

oh, it's really romantic.

My uncle's had like three affairs there.

Wow, must be a nice house, I've
seen pictures of your uncle.

This is going to be so great.

We'll finally get some time alone.

Are you sure Marshall's
going to be okay with this?

Yeah, absolutely. Dude,
I'm doing much better.

In fact, take my car.

- Really?
- Yeah.

Hey, thanks... and, hey,

if you need anything day
or night, just call me...

You know what, please don't call me.

What? What's wrong?

It's, uh, Lily's credit card bill.

She must have forgotten
to switch her address.

So?

So, I wonder what kind of charges
she's making out there in San Francisco.

No. No, no good can come
from looking at this.

- You've made too much progress
already. - I know but I just, maybe the...

No!

You're going to thank me for this.

You're a good friend, Ted.

August 5th, one
charge... tickets.

To what? George Clinton
and the P-Funk All-Stars.

August 10th, one
charge: Tennis Emporium.

August 18th, two charges: Mario's Bistro

and, get this, Pet Palace.

You guys see what this means, right?

Wow, Mario's Bistro.

What a perfect place to whore around.

Only the best for my little Lily pad.

Oh, funk legend George Clinton, I am
so glad you spotted me at your concert

and dragged me on stage to dance
with you Courtney Cox-style.

And I'm so glad you agreed
to play tennis with me.

You know, Marshall tried to get
me to play tennis for nine years,

but I didn't do it, because
I never truly loved him.

I got you a gift.

Oh! A ferret.

Oh, I'll buy it some food
next door at the Pet Palace.

Oh, I've always wanted one,

but Marshall had this
secret phobia of ferrets.

I bet that's something he made
you promise not to tell nobody.

It was.

Oh.

I love you, funk legend George Clinton.

I love you, too, Lily.

That's right, Marshall, she's all mine.

Now I'm gonna let her play with my hair.

♪ Ow, we want the funk. ♪

♪ Give up the funk... ♪

That's the craziest
thing I've ever heard.

Yeah, why are you afraid of
ferrets? They're adorable.

Because, Robin, they're
like fuzzy, tube-shaped rats.

Plus, those charges are
from, like, a month ago.

Exactly.

For new charges, you have
to go to her online account.

You can see credit card activity
from, like, two hours ago.

But, you know, don't.

Why do you talk? Why do you talk?!

He needs her password. It's
not like he has her password.

Ooh, this is good, he has her password.

There's a charge from earlier
today: the Kellett Hotel on 5th.

I don't believe this.
Lily's back in New York.

I can't believe this.

Lily's in New York?

I-I guess I've been thinking
when she got back, she'd call me.

That's really the only reason I've been
able to hold it together so far this summer.

This has been "holding it together"?

Okay, you know what? I'm calling her.

- No.
- Ted, give me the phone.

You're not calling her,
this changes nothing.

You, come here.

Look, while we're away this
weekend, can you keep an eye on him,

make sure he doesn't call that hotel?

You want me to babysit him?

20 bucks.

An hour.

And money for pizza.

Uh, yeah, how about you do it for free or
every time we hang out, you have to watch this?

Come here.

- My little blue-eyed baby, baby
lips. - Ooh, ooh, sugar, sugar...

Okay, I'll do it! Stop being a couple.

- Marshall.
- Marshall, Marshall!

Ted, I know I shouldn't
do this, but I have to!

- You call her...
- We were together...

- for nine years!
- ...and everything we've been working so hard for

is completely flushed down the toi...

Hello, Lily Aldrin's room, please.

Thank you.

- Hang up now.
- Ted, I can't hang up now.

- Hang up now.
- The missiles are in the air,

- and I know that you don't approve.
- Hang up.

Hello.

Uh, a guy answered.

There's-there's a guy in her room.

- I'm going down there.
- Dude, you can't do that.

I have to go down there, and
I have to tell her I love her;

I have to beg her to take me back,

even if I have to get down on my knees.

- Marshall, you can't do that.
- Oh, really, why not?

56 days.

That's how long it took
me to get right about here.

Because you're pathetic!

I'm sorry, but right
now, you are not Marshall.

You are the miserable, whining,
shampoo-sniffing ghost of Marshall,

and frankly, a guy like you doesn't have
a shot in hell with a girl like Lily.

You know who might have a
shot somewhere down the line.

Marshall.

The real Marshall.

But if you go down there
right now like this,

you're going to blow it for him,
and he's never going to forgive you.

Of course, whatever I say, you're
just going to do the opposite, so

have a great weekend. Good
luck screwing up your life.

Come on, Robin.

Is it still okay if we borrow the car?

Bold. Bold to go for the car.

What?

I didn't say a thing.

You think I was too hard on him.

I didn't say a thing.

I can't believe you're accusing
me of being too hard on him.

You're the one who said "tough love."

Yeah, tough love, not
"hand the guy a noose."

Oh, but it's okay to hand
him a nine millimeter?

Yeah, he told me.

So you're a gun nut?

No, I'm a gun enthusiast.

- Do you know how many people...
- The Second Amendment...

- are killed each year in accidents...
- Protects my right to bear arms...

All right, all right, all right.

I was too hard on him.

A little.

I'm going to call Barney,
see how they're doing.

Go for Barney.

Oh, hey, where are you guys?

We're at a fundraiser, helping young
women raise money for community college.

Strip club, nice.

Is Marshall okay?

Yeah, he's here and
he's great. Uh, hang on.

Marshall?
Tell Ted that...

Uh-oh.

Already?

What? What uh-oh?

He's gone.

You lost him?

I can't believe this. He's
gonna go down to that hotel.

Crap, you're right. Okay, okay,
here's the plan, here's the plan.

You go down to the hotel and find him.

I'll stay here and get a lap
dance. On three. One, two...

Barney!

Was there a hot tub
at your uncle's place?

A really nice one.

Hi, uh, could you tell me
what room Lily Aldrin's in?

Marshall.

Hey.

What happened?

Well, I went up to Lily's floor,

and I had this little
speech in my head...

everything I've been wanting to say to her
all summer about love, loyalty, respect.

I knocked on the door.

So you knocked out Lily's new boyfriend?

Yeah.

It wasn't Lily's boyfriend.

What? Who...
who was it?

His name was Joey Adalian,

although he went by a number of aliases
in his years as an identity thief.

Apparently, earlier in the summer...

Oh, this is so embarrassing.

I-I could have sworn I had some change.

I know, I know. I'm sorry.

Oh, here we go.

No, that's-that's a button.

It was a button.

- Do you, uh, take credit cards?
- Yes, I do.

So Lily's not back in town, and
she doesn't have a boyfriend?

Th-That's good news, right?

Yeah.

I don't know.

Those credit card charges were the
only remaining connection I had to her.

I don't know where she
is or what she's doing.

She was my whole life, man,
and now she's-she's gone.

You know, first day of
college, I showed up,

I was so freaked out, and-and I got up
to my room, and there was my roommate,

lying on the bed with
his feet up on the wall.

Had headphones on, big smile on his
face like he just didn't give a crap.

Happy.

Confident.

Not afraid of anything.

That guy was you.

You before you met Lily.

Ted?

Yeah?

I was high that day.

I was. I was so high, I
thought you were the dean.

Wh-What I'm saying is there's a version
of you without Lily, and it's not this.

You can't let Lily steal your
identity the way that guy stole hers.

Okay.

Okay, resolved.

Starting tomorrow, I'm
going to start being okay.

- Cheers.
- Cheers.

But he wasn't, 'cause
that's not how life works.

The next day, he found one
of her socks or something,

and we were back to square one.

And then, one morning...

Ted, I think you should see this.

Oh, no, what now?

Marshall, what are you doing?

It's Sunday.

It's pancakes day.

It took him 67 days and one really
disgusting batch of pancakes...

So good.

So good.

...but Marshall had
come back from the dead.

Because while baseball,
strippers, and guns can help,

the only thing that can really
heal a broken heart is time.

- Synced & Corrected by AdyMcAwsum -
www.MY-SUBS.com