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1
00:00:04,738 --> 00:00:06,374
Oh, God!
2
00:00:06,407 --> 00:00:09,610
See, this is why
I do not play basketball.
3
00:00:09,643 --> 00:00:12,346
You fell running back from
the souvlaki truck.
4
00:00:12,380 --> 00:00:14,515
Davis, hurry up!
Yeah.
5
00:00:14,548 --> 00:00:15,616
I'm coming! I'm coming!
6
00:00:15,649 --> 00:00:17,151
Whoa.
7
00:00:19,553 --> 00:00:23,057
Come on, I think there's
some Band-Aids in
the bathroom.
8
00:00:25,093 --> 00:00:26,494
I don't know
what that was,
9
00:00:26,527 --> 00:00:29,430
but it wasn't hummus.
10
00:00:29,463 --> 00:00:33,734
Well, what do
we have here?
11
00:00:33,767 --> 00:00:35,169
Hey, guys.
12
00:00:35,203 --> 00:00:36,504
Zack, this is Nicole.
13
00:00:36,537 --> 00:00:38,739
She's the best baby nurse
in the whole city.
14
00:00:38,772 --> 00:00:40,441
The couple she was
supposed to work for
15
00:00:40,474 --> 00:00:42,576
just got indicted for fraud, so,
they don't need a baby nurse,
16
00:00:42,610 --> 00:00:44,812
'cause their baby nurse
is now the State of California.
17
00:00:45,779 --> 00:00:46,814
Isn't that great?
18
00:00:46,847 --> 00:00:47,848
Yeah. Nice to meet you.
19
00:00:47,881 --> 00:00:48,849
What's a baby nurse?
20
00:00:48,882 --> 00:00:50,284
Oh.
21
00:00:50,318 --> 00:00:51,719
She'll be spending
the night with us
22
00:00:51,752 --> 00:00:53,387
for the first couple weeks
to help us out.
23
00:00:53,421 --> 00:00:55,556
And if she's not here,
my mother will be here,
24
00:00:55,589 --> 00:00:58,592
so I don't think I need
to finish that thought.
25
00:01:00,294 --> 00:01:02,163
Oh, what happened
to your knee?
26
00:01:02,196 --> 00:01:05,199
Oh, just, you know,
sports injury.
27
00:01:06,467 --> 00:01:09,270
Damn, my extreme
manly athleticism.
28
00:01:09,303 --> 00:01:12,106
Oh, my God, it's
really bleeding!
29
00:01:12,140 --> 00:01:13,774
Oh, okay, why don't I
help you with that?
30
00:01:13,807 --> 00:01:15,143
Oh.
31
00:01:15,176 --> 00:01:18,479
I also have a spider bite
on my tushy.
32
00:01:20,348 --> 00:01:23,651
She's so fantastic, I didn't
even interview anyone else.
33
00:01:23,684 --> 00:01:25,319
She just knocked it
out of the park.
34
00:01:25,353 --> 00:01:26,787
I've got a nursing degree
from Cal,
35
00:01:26,820 --> 00:01:28,622
a long list of
references,
36
00:01:28,656 --> 00:01:29,857
and for what it's worth,
37
00:01:29,890 --> 00:01:31,459
I think you're going
to be a great mother.
38
00:01:32,726 --> 00:01:34,462
And I'd never believe
you were 37.
39
00:01:34,495 --> 00:01:36,697
You're hired.
40
00:01:40,434 --> 00:01:43,804
What made you decide to do this?
41
00:01:43,837 --> 00:01:44,872
My mom called and she's like,
42
00:01:44,905 --> 00:01:46,640
"You're never going to be
able to handle a baby."
43
00:01:46,674 --> 00:01:47,775
I'm like, "Are you calling me
44
00:01:47,808 --> 00:01:49,510
just to make me feel bad
about myself?"
45
00:01:49,543 --> 00:01:51,312
She's like, "No, I'm calling
to pay for a baby nurse."
46
00:01:51,345 --> 00:01:53,514
So I'm like, "All right.
I love you. Bye."
47
00:01:54,715 --> 00:01:56,817
How's that?
48
00:02:00,688 --> 00:02:02,756
Perfect.
49
00:02:07,761 --> 00:02:09,163
I'm telling you, Zack,
50
00:02:09,197 --> 00:02:10,498
she is our savior.
51
00:02:10,531 --> 00:02:12,166
You and I've been
doing things all wrong.
52
00:02:12,200 --> 00:02:14,668
All wrong.
53
00:02:14,702 --> 00:02:15,769
Like that changing table...
54
00:02:15,803 --> 00:02:16,904
What's wrong
with the changing table?
55
00:02:16,937 --> 00:02:18,406
I built that changing table.
56
00:02:18,439 --> 00:02:20,841
Nicole said
it's a death trap.
57
00:02:20,874 --> 00:02:21,809
It's fine.
58
00:02:21,842 --> 00:02:24,878
My mom used to change me
on a hibachi grill.
59
00:02:26,214 --> 00:02:29,250
She also said you'd make
a sarcastic remark.
60
00:02:29,283 --> 00:02:32,753
Did she say I'd make
an obscene gesture?
61
00:02:38,626 --> 00:02:41,195
Some nurse lady I
don't even know
62
00:02:41,229 --> 00:02:42,863
is in there baby
proofing.
63
00:02:42,896 --> 00:02:43,797
You know how
hard it is
64
00:02:43,831 --> 00:02:45,566
to take a pee
in the middle of the night
65
00:02:45,599 --> 00:02:47,601
with a lock on your toilet?
66
00:02:47,635 --> 00:02:49,903
Dude, I can see
how you might feel
67
00:02:49,937 --> 00:02:51,605
like she's encroaching
on your turf,
68
00:02:51,639 --> 00:02:54,442
but you got to look at it
like this, man...
69
00:02:54,475 --> 00:02:56,877
she is hot.
70
00:02:57,811 --> 00:02:59,747
I mean, what does a
baby nurse even do?
71
00:02:59,780 --> 00:03:01,682
In the middle
of the night,
72
00:03:01,715 --> 00:03:04,718
she squeezes Billie's breasts
to get the milk out.
73
00:03:06,320 --> 00:03:07,555
Are you ready, Billie?
74
00:03:07,588 --> 00:03:08,589
Are you kidding?
75
00:03:08,622 --> 00:03:10,858
This is my favorite
time of night.
76
00:03:18,866 --> 00:03:21,335
See? I feel like I should
be consulted
77
00:03:21,369 --> 00:03:24,238
on who's squeezing
Billie's breasts at night.
78
00:03:24,272 --> 00:03:25,773
Well, I'm glad you're open
to suggestion,
79
00:03:25,806 --> 00:03:28,776
because I would like to throw
my hat into the ring.
80
00:03:28,809 --> 00:03:31,379
I mean, come on, Zack, like you
wouldn't have chosen Nicole?
81
00:03:31,412 --> 00:03:32,480
No, I wouldn't have, man.
82
00:03:32,513 --> 00:03:34,815
She's got the crazy eyes.
83
00:03:35,816 --> 00:03:37,551
Remember that girl I dated
a couple times last year--
84
00:03:37,585 --> 00:03:38,719
Candy?
85
00:03:38,752 --> 00:03:39,853
Oh, Candy.
86
00:03:39,887 --> 00:03:41,889
I miss Candy.
87
00:03:41,922 --> 00:03:43,657
Well, this chick Nicole gives me
88
00:03:43,691 --> 00:03:45,659
the same crazy vibe
that Candy did.
89
00:03:45,693 --> 00:03:46,794
Oh, hey!
90
00:03:46,827 --> 00:03:48,329
Nicole, is it?
91
00:03:48,362 --> 00:03:49,897
Remember me
from the bathroom?
92
00:03:49,930 --> 00:03:51,932
Knee's never been better.
93
00:03:51,965 --> 00:03:53,667
I can kick, I can jump.
94
00:03:53,701 --> 00:03:55,836
Ah! Hammy.
95
00:03:55,869 --> 00:03:57,871
Dude, settle.
96
00:03:57,905 --> 00:03:59,573
Come on, let's go
to Furniken
97
00:03:59,607 --> 00:04:00,874
so we can return
the changing table.
98
00:04:00,908 --> 00:04:02,410
Oh, yeah, just give
me an hour or two
99
00:04:02,443 --> 00:04:03,677
and then I'll take it apart.
100
00:04:03,711 --> 00:04:04,978
Oh, I did it already.
101
00:04:05,012 --> 00:04:07,014
It took me, like,
three minutes.
102
00:04:07,047 --> 00:04:07,848
(under breath):
Three minutes?
103
00:04:07,881 --> 00:04:08,916
I love you.
104
00:04:08,949 --> 00:04:10,751
I mean, thank you.
Oh, screw it,
105
00:04:10,784 --> 00:04:13,053
I frickin' love you.
106
00:04:13,086 --> 00:04:14,655
So, Abby and Olivia
107
00:04:14,688 --> 00:04:15,789
are going to meet us
at Furniken,
108
00:04:15,823 --> 00:04:17,825
'cause Olivia has to pick out
a present for her mom.
109
00:04:17,858 --> 00:04:19,760
Ah, the whole day
with just us girls?
110
00:04:19,793 --> 00:04:21,329
Maybe our periods will sync up.
111
00:04:23,731 --> 00:04:25,966
Okay...
112
00:04:25,999 --> 00:04:28,836
usually when we leave,
you guys leave, so...
113
00:04:28,869 --> 00:04:30,003
(TV playing)
114
00:04:30,037 --> 00:04:32,806
Who wants to race me
to the door?
115
00:04:32,840 --> 00:04:34,975
Uh-uh, I don't
think so, Mama.
116
00:04:35,008 --> 00:04:37,611
It's March Madness, and you've
got the sports package.
117
00:04:37,645 --> 00:04:39,613
I do not have
the sports package.
118
00:04:39,647 --> 00:04:40,881
What is he talking about?
119
00:04:40,914 --> 00:04:43,417
ZACK:
I bought it
without asking you.
120
00:04:43,451 --> 00:04:45,285
Imagine that.
121
00:04:46,420 --> 00:04:48,021
All right, listen.
122
00:04:48,055 --> 00:04:49,890
(guys groan)
123
00:04:49,923 --> 00:04:51,892
Stay away from Nicole.
124
00:04:51,925 --> 00:04:53,394
Do not talk to her,
125
00:04:53,427 --> 00:04:56,397
do not accidentally grind
on her as she walks by.
126
00:04:56,430 --> 00:04:58,399
And don't do that thing
where you fake choke
127
00:04:58,432 --> 00:05:00,934
so that she has to give you
mouth-to-mouth.
128
00:05:00,968 --> 00:05:03,371
I was really choking.
129
00:05:03,404 --> 00:05:06,073
You had an erection.
130
00:05:07,107 --> 00:05:09,076
Everybody has that.
131
00:05:09,109 --> 00:05:11,545
It's called a near-death
erection.
132
00:05:11,579 --> 00:05:15,549
Well, you're going to have
another near-death erection
133
00:05:15,583 --> 00:05:18,586
if you bother Nicole.
134
00:05:20,087 --> 00:05:24,091
Do not even think about it.
135
00:05:24,124 --> 00:05:26,093
Ease up, brain sheriff.
136
00:05:26,126 --> 00:05:27,961
I won't even think about it.
137
00:05:31,031 --> 00:05:33,367
It's kind of hot in here.
138
00:05:38,972 --> 00:05:40,574
Yeah, I'm thinking about it.
139
00:05:41,975 --> 00:05:44,812
* I can't be anything
without you. *
140
00:05:44,845 --> 00:05:47,781
Captioning sponsored by
CBS TELEVISION
141
00:05:50,984 --> 00:05:53,987
*
142
00:05:54,021 --> 00:05:56,724
Oh, my God!
143
00:05:56,757 --> 00:05:59,760
Nicole packed me almonds.
144
00:05:59,793 --> 00:06:02,095
"Don't forget your Kegels!"
(blows raspberry)
145
00:06:02,129 --> 00:06:03,831
Those are these
exercises you do
146
00:06:03,864 --> 00:06:05,032
to strengthen your
pelvic floor muscles.
147
00:06:05,065 --> 00:06:06,534
Yeah, you told me.
148
00:06:06,567 --> 00:06:09,002
Makes your vagina bionic.
149
00:06:09,036 --> 00:06:10,938
I'm going to go
grab us a number.
150
00:06:10,971 --> 00:06:12,706
Zack, get those chairs before
the family gets in there.
151
00:06:12,740 --> 00:06:13,974
That old lady looks tired.
Go, go!
152
00:06:15,543 --> 00:06:18,145
I need to buy my mum
a birthday present.
153
00:06:18,178 --> 00:06:21,148
What do you get an angry
65-year-old Scottish alcoholic
154
00:06:21,181 --> 00:06:24,151
who has everything because
she's also a kleptomaniac?
155
00:06:24,184 --> 00:06:26,153
Oh, I'm sure
you'll find something,
156
00:06:26,186 --> 00:06:28,021
because you are
in the right place.
157
00:06:28,055 --> 00:06:30,891
Swedes are known for their
festive kitchen items.
158
00:06:30,924 --> 00:06:31,925
How do you know that?
159
00:06:31,959 --> 00:06:33,794
Oh, I love this place.
160
00:06:33,827 --> 00:06:35,963
Ever since I bought my first
Furniken cookie sheet,
161
00:06:35,996 --> 00:06:37,965
I have been fascinated
with Nordic culture.
162
00:06:37,998 --> 00:06:38,899
Did you know
163
00:06:38,932 --> 00:06:42,002
that Vikings invented
nonconsensual sex?
164
00:06:44,705 --> 00:06:46,039
141.
165
00:06:46,073 --> 00:06:48,108
And they are on ten.
166
00:06:48,141 --> 00:06:51,011
If we estimate five minutes
for every person in here,
167
00:06:51,044 --> 00:06:52,212
I'll be giving birth
in this chair.
168
00:06:52,245 --> 00:06:55,449
If my water breaks,
I'm cutting in line.
169
00:06:56,884 --> 00:06:58,886
Oh, this is great.
I'd much rather be here
170
00:06:58,919 --> 00:07:01,054
than watching basketball
with my friends.
171
00:07:01,088 --> 00:07:02,923
Okay, that's like
the fourth snarky thing
172
00:07:02,956 --> 00:07:03,857
you've said in the
last ten minutes.
173
00:07:03,891 --> 00:07:05,759
And you're ruining
the word snarky for me,
174
00:07:05,793 --> 00:07:08,796
'cause here a snarky is fried
dough dipped in powdered sugar.
175
00:07:08,829 --> 00:07:11,799
Look, I'm just kind of pissed
about this whole Nicole thing.
176
00:07:11,832 --> 00:07:14,134
At least you could've discussed
it with me before you hired her.
177
00:07:14,167 --> 00:07:14,935
I had to move fast.
178
00:07:14,968 --> 00:07:16,970
There were other
couples after her.
179
00:07:17,004 --> 00:07:18,806
Okay, let me ask you this:
180
00:07:18,839 --> 00:07:21,475
What if you came home and found
out that I had hired somebody
181
00:07:21,509 --> 00:07:23,511
to take care of something
without asking you?
182
00:07:23,544 --> 00:07:27,114
Like, I don't know,
a sex person.
183
00:07:27,147 --> 00:07:28,015
"A sex person?"
184
00:07:28,048 --> 00:07:30,083
Yeah, you walk in
and me and some girl
185
00:07:30,117 --> 00:07:32,620
are going to town on each other
and I look over at you and say,
186
00:07:32,653 --> 00:07:35,055
"It's okay, Billie.
My mom's paying for this!"
187
00:07:35,088 --> 00:07:37,057
I would be happy
188
00:07:37,090 --> 00:07:41,161
that your mom is finally willing
to pony up some money.
189
00:07:41,194 --> 00:07:43,664
It's just, if you
would've included,
190
00:07:43,697 --> 00:07:45,733
I could've told you
that I had a gut feeling
191
00:07:45,766 --> 00:07:47,935
that something was wrong
with Nicole.
192
00:07:47,968 --> 00:07:50,604
Nicole is sweet
and nurturing,
193
00:07:50,638 --> 00:07:51,939
and an excellent choice.
194
00:07:51,972 --> 00:07:54,007
And my gut is three times
the size of yours.
195
00:07:54,041 --> 00:07:55,609
So, my gut is smarter.
196
00:07:59,913 --> 00:08:01,682
Apple sauce, milady?
197
00:08:01,715 --> 00:08:02,883
No, thank you.
198
00:08:02,916 --> 00:08:04,051
I'm going to stick with water.
199
00:08:04,084 --> 00:08:06,053
Mmm.
200
00:08:06,086 --> 00:08:07,855
Oh.
201
00:08:07,888 --> 00:08:09,222
I'm such a klutz.
202
00:08:09,256 --> 00:08:12,025
(heavy breathing)
203
00:08:14,061 --> 00:08:17,130
You really work up a sweat
baby proofing.
204
00:08:17,164 --> 00:08:18,532
Yes.
205
00:08:18,566 --> 00:08:21,569
The ventilation is subpar.
206
00:08:25,573 --> 00:08:27,007
So, who's playing?
207
00:08:27,040 --> 00:08:28,742
Uh, uh, Texas and
Marquette.
208
00:08:28,776 --> 00:08:30,043
Who are you guys
rooting for?
209
00:08:30,077 --> 00:08:33,013
I need Texas and
Ryan needs Marquette.
210
00:08:33,046 --> 00:08:34,147
So do you guys want
to do a three-way?
211
00:08:34,181 --> 00:08:36,850
Whoa!
212
00:08:38,085 --> 00:08:40,053
Oh. Uh...
213
00:08:40,087 --> 00:08:42,756
that is so sweet.
214
00:08:42,790 --> 00:08:44,224
Uh...
215
00:08:44,257 --> 00:08:46,760
Oh, uh...
216
00:08:46,794 --> 00:08:49,062
for legal reasons, I think
we should clarify here.
217
00:08:49,096 --> 00:08:50,864
Okay?
218
00:08:50,898 --> 00:08:54,034
Now, are you are talking
about you having sex
with the both of us
219
00:08:54,067 --> 00:08:56,069
at the same time?
220
00:08:56,103 --> 00:08:58,706
Yes.
221
00:08:58,739 --> 00:09:02,610
Now, are you willing to sign
something to that effect?
222
00:09:04,645 --> 00:09:07,114
Look, I'm going to go
take a shower.
223
00:09:07,147 --> 00:09:10,150
And if you're naked
when I get back....
224
00:09:11,719 --> 00:09:14,722
...I'll know we're on.
225
00:09:26,166 --> 00:09:29,169
Dude, what are you doing?!
226
00:09:29,202 --> 00:09:30,370
What are you doing?
227
00:09:30,403 --> 00:09:31,805
When you roll with the big dog,
228
00:09:31,839 --> 00:09:34,842
this is the kind of
stuff that happens.
229
00:09:34,875 --> 00:09:36,844
This has never happened to you.
230
00:09:36,877 --> 00:09:38,211
I know, I'm scared.
231
00:09:38,245 --> 00:09:40,113
What do you think
we should do?
232
00:09:40,147 --> 00:09:42,816
Relax, okay, we don't have
to make any decisions yet.
233
00:09:42,850 --> 00:09:44,818
But just to be safe,
234
00:09:44,852 --> 00:09:47,154
I'm gonna go hose down
the undercarriage.
235
00:09:49,189 --> 00:09:51,091
Yeah, that's a good call.
236
00:09:52,793 --> 00:09:55,028
I'd love to get a new couch.
237
00:09:55,062 --> 00:09:57,064
But Nick can't part with ours.
238
00:09:57,097 --> 00:09:58,666
Our cat had kittens on it
239
00:09:58,699 --> 00:10:00,668
and then a couple years later,
Nick's grandmother died
240
00:10:00,701 --> 00:10:02,703
on that couch.
241
00:10:02,736 --> 00:10:03,771
Why?
242
00:10:03,804 --> 00:10:07,274
Were you telling one
of your fascinating stories?
243
00:10:07,307 --> 00:10:09,276
Someone's in a mood.
244
00:10:09,309 --> 00:10:10,878
I think buying a gift
245
00:10:10,911 --> 00:10:12,212
for your mother
is bringing
246
00:10:12,245 --> 00:10:14,247
some dark stuff up
to the surface.
247
00:10:14,281 --> 00:10:17,785
Every year I buy her
a gift and send it off,
248
00:10:17,818 --> 00:10:20,220
and she finds some
reason to hate it.
249
00:10:20,253 --> 00:10:22,222
Well, then why do
you keep doing it?
250
00:10:22,255 --> 00:10:24,057
Because she's my mum!
251
00:10:27,995 --> 00:10:29,997
Olivia?
252
00:10:31,999 --> 00:10:34,802
Olivia, come on,
open the door.
253
00:10:34,835 --> 00:10:37,838
(crying):
No, I'm never coming out!
254
00:10:40,908 --> 00:10:42,242
(sighs)
255
00:10:43,376 --> 00:10:45,378
Oh...
256
00:10:48,348 --> 00:10:50,417
Hells bells.
257
00:10:50,450 --> 00:10:52,285
121.
258
00:10:52,319 --> 00:10:54,688
Yay! We're in the 120s.
259
00:10:54,722 --> 00:10:55,723
Let's get everything ready.
260
00:10:55,756 --> 00:10:56,757
Do you have the receipt?
261
00:10:56,790 --> 00:10:58,258
I thought you had it.
262
00:10:58,291 --> 00:10:59,392
Crap.
263
00:10:59,426 --> 00:11:01,261
Riccola.
264
00:11:01,294 --> 00:11:03,330
Dry hair shampoo.
265
00:11:03,363 --> 00:11:06,166
Button that exploded
off my pants.
266
00:11:06,199 --> 00:11:07,267
Condom?
267
00:11:07,300 --> 00:11:09,169
Oh, there you are.
268
00:11:09,202 --> 00:11:11,104
Eight months too late.
269
00:11:13,140 --> 00:11:14,975
Damn, I must have left it
at the apartment.
270
00:11:15,008 --> 00:11:16,910
Zack!
What?
271
00:11:16,944 --> 00:11:18,378
Call Nicole.
272
00:11:19,346 --> 00:11:21,481
Nicole taught me how to do that.
273
00:11:21,514 --> 00:11:24,718
(cell phone buzzing,
water running)
274
00:11:26,419 --> 00:11:28,088
She's not picking up.
275
00:11:28,121 --> 00:11:29,189
Oh, that's great.
276
00:11:29,222 --> 00:11:31,358
Hey, Nicole, I was just calling
to check on my baby,
277
00:11:31,391 --> 00:11:32,492
but you're not
there, so...
278
00:11:32,525 --> 00:11:34,361
maybe you sold it.
279
00:11:34,394 --> 00:11:36,363
I'm sure there's a reasonable
explanation.
280
00:11:36,396 --> 00:11:38,365
I don't just jump
to those conclusions,
281
00:11:38,398 --> 00:11:40,133
because unlike you,
I have life experience.
282
00:11:40,167 --> 00:11:43,136
Yeah, you're old,
I got it.
283
00:11:43,170 --> 00:11:46,006
I'm just saying,
I know people.
284
00:11:46,039 --> 00:11:48,041
And Nicole is a really
good person.
285
00:11:48,075 --> 00:11:51,411
Nicole's a really
dirty person.
286
00:11:51,444 --> 00:11:53,413
She's been in there
a really long time.
287
00:11:53,446 --> 00:11:55,348
And she's probably really soapy.
288
00:11:58,919 --> 00:12:00,888
God, man, what happens if
we, like, make eye contact?
289
00:12:00,921 --> 00:12:03,123
I was having some
290
00:12:03,156 --> 00:12:06,426
"Davis time" in the bathroom
last week,
291
00:12:06,459 --> 00:12:09,429
made eye contact with
myself in the mirror.
292
00:12:09,462 --> 00:12:12,299
Mirror me looked at the real me
293
00:12:12,332 --> 00:12:16,136
and made this really
disgusting face.
294
00:12:17,470 --> 00:12:18,471
Neither of us stopped, though.
295
00:12:18,505 --> 00:12:21,474
We both just powered through.
296
00:12:21,508 --> 00:12:24,011
Now, whenever I catch myself
in the mirror,
297
00:12:24,044 --> 00:12:26,313
there's this really
weird hatred.
298
00:12:26,346 --> 00:12:27,848
But also attraction.
299
00:12:27,881 --> 00:12:29,082
It's very awkward.
300
00:12:29,116 --> 00:12:33,153
Davis, man, there is
a girl in there!
301
00:12:33,186 --> 00:12:35,422
(cell phone rings)
302
00:12:35,455 --> 00:12:37,557
Hello?
303
00:12:37,590 --> 00:12:38,725
Hey, dude, question.
304
00:12:38,758 --> 00:12:40,994
Can you check the apartment,
see if we left the receipt?
305
00:12:41,028 --> 00:12:43,997
Yeah, sure, no problem.
306
00:12:44,031 --> 00:12:46,466
I have a question for you.
307
00:12:46,499 --> 00:12:48,301
Uh, hypothetically speaking--
308
00:12:48,335 --> 00:12:50,537
and by "hypothetically"
309
00:12:50,570 --> 00:12:52,405
I mean this is actually
about to happen--
310
00:12:52,439 --> 00:12:54,407
how would you feel
about me and Ryan
311
00:12:54,441 --> 00:12:58,045
having a three-way
with your baby nurse?
312
00:12:59,079 --> 00:13:01,414
That's not going
to happen.
313
00:13:01,448 --> 00:13:02,816
No, dude, it is!
314
00:13:02,850 --> 00:13:04,484
It was her idea.
You were right about her.
315
00:13:04,517 --> 00:13:07,254
(laughing):
She is crazy.
316
00:13:07,287 --> 00:13:08,455
Is it there?
317
00:13:08,488 --> 00:13:11,391
Oh, yeah, he found it.
318
00:13:11,424 --> 00:13:14,327
I bet Nicole is the one
who found it.
319
00:13:14,361 --> 00:13:16,363
Tell him I'll be there
in ten minutes.
320
00:13:19,366 --> 00:13:22,002
Tell you what.
321
00:13:22,035 --> 00:13:24,471
We never spoke about this,
but wait about nine minutes
322
00:13:24,504 --> 00:13:27,507
and then give her the best
two minutes of her life.
323
00:13:32,245 --> 00:13:34,247
*
324
00:13:38,351 --> 00:13:40,620
DAVIS:
Before we go in there
to do this threesome,
325
00:13:40,653 --> 00:13:42,856
we gotta straighten
something out.
326
00:13:42,890 --> 00:13:46,193
If Nicole was like the
state of California,
327
00:13:46,226 --> 00:13:49,462
do you see yourself spending
more time up in San Francisco?
328
00:13:49,496 --> 00:13:52,499
Or down in San Diego?
329
00:13:53,901 --> 00:13:56,536
I see myself in Fresno.
330
00:13:56,569 --> 00:13:57,537
What?
331
00:13:57,570 --> 00:13:58,972
(chuckling): Oh.
332
00:14:00,007 --> 00:14:02,375
What the hell is
going on here?
333
00:14:02,409 --> 00:14:05,312
Uh, uh...
334
00:14:05,345 --> 00:14:07,414
Well, we definitely weren't
going to have a threesome
335
00:14:07,447 --> 00:14:09,082
with your baby nurse.
336
00:14:09,116 --> 00:14:11,985
I told you not to even think
about it.
337
00:14:12,019 --> 00:14:14,521
And by the way,
my mom is from Fresno!
338
00:14:19,292 --> 00:14:21,161
I didn't think about it.
It was her idea.
339
00:14:21,194 --> 00:14:23,430
We were just being polite, and
we didn't do anything anyway,
340
00:14:23,463 --> 00:14:24,564
because we're terrified.
Yeah.
341
00:14:24,597 --> 00:14:26,599
You expect me to believe that?
342
00:14:26,633 --> 00:14:28,902
My lovely, sweet,
professional Nicole,
343
00:14:28,936 --> 00:14:32,072
who is working her fingers
to the bone to make this
space safe for my baby,
344
00:14:32,105 --> 00:14:34,474
actually propositioned
the two of you?
345
00:14:34,507 --> 00:14:37,244
Are we gonna do this, or...
Oh!
346
00:14:43,283 --> 00:14:46,920
Okay, couple of things.
347
00:14:46,954 --> 00:14:49,456
One, is that my teddy?
348
00:14:49,489 --> 00:14:53,160
Two... so that's what my teddy's
supposed to look like.
349
00:14:53,193 --> 00:14:55,028
And three, you are so fired,
350
00:14:55,062 --> 00:14:56,930
we need a new word
for "fired,"
351
00:14:56,964 --> 00:14:59,566
but since fired is what you
are, let's just go with fired.
352
00:14:59,599 --> 00:15:02,235
Can I still put you
down as a reference?
353
00:15:02,269 --> 00:15:03,436
Are you crazy?
354
00:15:04,972 --> 00:15:06,373
A little bit.
355
00:15:09,509 --> 00:15:13,113
Oh, my God, I'm so wrong
about Nicole,
356
00:15:13,146 --> 00:15:16,183
and I made such a big deal
about it with Zack.
357
00:15:16,216 --> 00:15:19,552
Oh, my God, I'm never going
to live this down with him.
358
00:15:19,586 --> 00:15:22,589
Hey, how about we just keep
this whole Nicole thing
359
00:15:22,622 --> 00:15:24,491
between us?
360
00:15:24,524 --> 00:15:27,560
Yeah, no problem.
361
00:15:27,594 --> 00:15:31,364
I mean, you don't tell someone
you almost went to Fresno.
362
00:15:35,402 --> 00:15:37,537
Whatever is going on
between you and your mom
363
00:15:37,570 --> 00:15:38,605
has got to stop.
364
00:15:38,638 --> 00:15:40,573
And we're going
to call her right now.
365
00:15:40,607 --> 00:15:44,211
There is no gift more valuable
than a daughter's love.
366
00:15:44,244 --> 00:15:46,179
It's 5:00 a.m. in Scotland.
367
00:15:46,213 --> 00:15:48,281
So she'll just be getting
back from the pub,
368
00:15:48,315 --> 00:15:50,450
or she'll just be arriving
at the pub.
369
00:15:50,483 --> 00:15:52,285
Either way, I'll call the pub.
370
00:15:53,420 --> 00:15:57,557
(muttering):
841-810...
371
00:15:57,590 --> 00:15:59,959
I can't do it.
You talk to her.
372
00:16:01,694 --> 00:16:03,430
(sighs)
373
00:16:03,463 --> 00:16:04,497
Hello.
374
00:16:04,531 --> 00:16:06,033
Is Mrs. Hollenbeck there?
375
00:16:06,066 --> 00:16:07,334
Oh, hi.
376
00:16:08,735 --> 00:16:12,705
This is your daughter Olivia's
American friend Abby
377
00:16:12,739 --> 00:16:15,608
calling from America.
378
00:16:15,642 --> 00:16:18,578
No, I can't light your cigarette
through the phone.
379
00:16:18,611 --> 00:16:21,648
What good am I?
380
00:16:22,682 --> 00:16:23,750
Anyway, I understand you two
381
00:16:23,783 --> 00:16:25,652
have been having
some difficult...
382
00:16:25,685 --> 00:16:28,755
Well, it is my business,
because she's my friend.
383
00:16:29,722 --> 00:16:31,558
Yes, I do know that dirty word,
384
00:16:31,591 --> 00:16:34,094
and I don't appreciate
being called that.
385
00:16:34,127 --> 00:16:36,063
Okay, well, you can
just take this phone
386
00:16:36,096 --> 00:16:38,698
and stick it in your pie hole,
you half-witted leprechaun!
387
00:16:42,102 --> 00:16:43,303
So Mom says hi.
388
00:16:43,336 --> 00:16:44,671
Oh.
389
00:16:50,077 --> 00:16:52,745
She was wearing
your fancy teddy?
Mm.
390
00:16:52,779 --> 00:16:55,648
If you were going to seduce two
men in someone else's apartment,
391
00:16:55,682 --> 00:16:58,618
you should really bring
your own lingerie.
392
00:16:58,651 --> 00:17:00,220
And that's just good manners.
393
00:17:00,253 --> 00:17:03,056
That was my first decision
as a mom.
394
00:17:03,090 --> 00:17:04,691
And what did I do?
395
00:17:04,724 --> 00:17:08,361
I chose an impolite sex maniac
with extremely low standards.
396
00:17:08,395 --> 00:17:10,630
So, are you going
to get a new nurse?
397
00:17:10,663 --> 00:17:12,732
No, I'm going to keep this baby
inside of me
398
00:17:12,765 --> 00:17:15,135
where he is safe
from my poor decision-making.
399
00:17:16,203 --> 00:17:17,570
I've been working
on my Kegels.
400
00:17:17,604 --> 00:17:18,805
I'll just seal that sucker up.
401
00:17:18,838 --> 00:17:20,740
This big already--
I can go bigger.
402
00:17:20,773 --> 00:17:22,475
I'll keep him in there
till he's nine.
403
00:17:22,509 --> 00:17:24,577
If I can go to nine,
I can go to 18.
404
00:17:24,611 --> 00:17:25,678
And once he's 18--
(blows raspberry)
405
00:17:25,712 --> 00:17:28,381
I'll plop him out, and he can
make his own decisions.
406
00:17:28,415 --> 00:17:31,151
It's so simple, I don't know
why no one's ever thought of it.
407
00:17:31,184 --> 00:17:33,320
What is it you're
so worried about?
408
00:17:33,353 --> 00:17:36,823
That I'm going to be
a terrible mom.
409
00:17:36,856 --> 00:17:39,492
And then what is my kid
going to think of me?
410
00:17:39,526 --> 00:17:42,829
Well, I can say with
complete confidence
411
00:17:42,862 --> 00:17:45,432
that I recently spoke
with one of the worst mothers
412
00:17:45,465 --> 00:17:46,833
on the face of the planet.
413
00:17:48,135 --> 00:17:50,403
And this little pumpkin here
414
00:17:50,437 --> 00:17:54,274
comes every year to this store
to get her a gift
415
00:17:54,307 --> 00:17:56,676
for her obscene, horrible,
racist, drunken...
416
00:17:56,709 --> 00:17:58,345
Hey, hey, hey,
hey, hey.
417
00:17:59,279 --> 00:18:01,881
Don't forget cheap.
418
00:18:01,914 --> 00:18:04,284
Cheap, sour hag
of a mother.
419
00:18:05,552 --> 00:18:07,520
And why does
she do this?
420
00:18:07,554 --> 00:18:09,589
(sobbing):
'Cause I love my mum.
421
00:18:10,523 --> 00:18:13,126
Because she loves her mom.
422
00:18:17,630 --> 00:18:20,467
Okay, I got the receipt.
423
00:18:20,500 --> 00:18:22,735
A lot of traffic--
that's what took
me so long.
424
00:18:22,769 --> 00:18:25,538
Oh, and I let Nicole go.
425
00:18:25,572 --> 00:18:27,607
Really?
426
00:18:27,640 --> 00:18:29,342
But she was so perfect.
427
00:18:29,376 --> 00:18:32,445
What could have happened?
428
00:18:32,479 --> 00:18:35,915
You know, I did
a lot of thinking,
429
00:18:35,948 --> 00:18:38,485
and I realized
that I was wrong
430
00:18:38,518 --> 00:18:40,620
not to consult you
in the first place.
431
00:18:40,653 --> 00:18:43,623
It was hard for me,
but I'm giving in this time.
432
00:18:43,656 --> 00:18:45,458
So let's just say
you owe me one.
433
00:18:45,492 --> 00:18:47,327
Hey, I appreciate that,
but she was great.
434
00:18:47,360 --> 00:18:49,196
We should really go with her.
435
00:18:49,229 --> 00:18:51,464
No, it's too late.
It's, it's done, no.
How do you know that?
436
00:18:51,498 --> 00:18:53,766
We should really give her a call
before she gets another job.
437
00:18:53,800 --> 00:18:55,935
She moved to Chicago.
438
00:18:55,968 --> 00:18:57,670
Today?
439
00:18:57,704 --> 00:18:59,806
I know, weird, right?
440
00:18:59,839 --> 00:19:02,409
That's too bad, but I really
think we should give her a call
441
00:19:02,442 --> 00:19:03,610
and have a conversation,
442
00:19:03,643 --> 00:19:05,212
between the three of us.
443
00:19:06,779 --> 00:19:09,582
A three-way.
444
00:19:09,616 --> 00:19:12,752
You ass.
445
00:19:12,785 --> 00:19:15,622
I think from now on,
I should be involved
446
00:19:15,655 --> 00:19:17,224
in picking our baby nurse.
447
00:19:17,257 --> 00:19:18,658
Yes, please.
448
00:19:18,691 --> 00:19:21,894
Because I think my
instincts about people
are way better than yours.
449
00:19:21,928 --> 00:19:22,762
Why do you say that?
450
00:19:22,795 --> 00:19:27,334
Well, you picked me,
but I picked you.
451
00:19:35,708 --> 00:19:36,976
WOMAN:
141.
452
00:19:37,009 --> 00:19:40,413
Oh, my God,
it's us!
453
00:19:40,447 --> 00:19:41,914
Coming.
454
00:19:41,948 --> 00:19:44,284
Be there in a month.
455
00:19:47,787 --> 00:19:51,591
This is a receipt
from Arby's.
456
00:19:51,624 --> 00:19:53,760
I like this table.
457
00:19:53,793 --> 00:19:55,828
Me, too.
458
00:19:55,862 --> 00:19:58,631
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