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1
00:00:10,278 --> 00:00:12,180
Hey, roomie.
2
00:00:12,213 --> 00:00:14,315
Oh, Merry Christmas.
3
00:00:14,348 --> 00:00:15,683
I brought
you a Danish
4
00:00:15,716 --> 00:00:17,551
that some crazy pregnant lady
took a bite of
5
00:00:17,585 --> 00:00:19,387
on the way down the hall
to your room.
6
00:00:19,420 --> 00:00:21,389
Thanks.
7
00:00:21,422 --> 00:00:22,690
You want to grab a seat?
8
00:00:22,723 --> 00:00:25,526
If I remember,
you do enjoy a lumpy futon.
9
00:00:25,559 --> 00:00:28,096
Ooh, you are 100%
naked down there.
10
00:00:31,665 --> 00:00:34,302
So I know it's weird we're not
spending Christmas together,
11
00:00:34,335 --> 00:00:37,471
but trust me, you don't want
to be here with my parents.
12
00:00:37,505 --> 00:00:38,606
My dad was in Vietnam,
13
00:00:38,639 --> 00:00:41,709
and if my mom had been there
with him, we would've won.
14
00:00:41,742 --> 00:00:43,411
Hi, Mom.
Let me take your coat.
15
00:00:43,444 --> 00:00:45,246
Oh, thank you, honey.
16
00:00:45,279 --> 00:00:46,814
(inhales through teeth,
mumbles inquistively)
17
00:00:46,847 --> 00:00:49,083
No, Mom, James
did not propose.
18
00:00:49,117 --> 00:00:51,085
Congratulations,
you just ruined Christmas.
19
00:00:52,586 --> 00:00:54,522
It's much better to
leave the introductions
20
00:00:54,555 --> 00:00:56,457
for a less stressful time.
21
00:00:56,490 --> 00:00:59,560
Like, say, for instance,
the day the baby is born.
22
00:00:59,593 --> 00:01:01,162
What are you doing?
23
00:01:01,195 --> 00:01:03,364
Mom and Dad will be here
in T minus seven hours.
24
00:01:03,397 --> 00:01:04,832
Nothing's cooking,
the place looks like crap,
25
00:01:04,865 --> 00:01:05,833
Come on, get up.
26
00:01:05,866 --> 00:01:07,568
Get up.
All right.
27
00:01:07,601 --> 00:01:09,503
You, too. Come on.
28
00:01:09,537 --> 00:01:10,871
Oh, no time to be startled
by a penis.
29
00:01:10,904 --> 00:01:12,173
I have too much to do!
30
00:01:16,544 --> 00:01:19,113
I think you and Zack
doing separate Christmases
31
00:01:19,147 --> 00:01:20,814
is a brilliant move.
32
00:01:20,848 --> 00:01:24,252
And maybe this will be the
year that Nick bonds with Dad.
33
00:01:24,285 --> 00:01:25,719
Ho, ho, ho!
34
00:01:25,753 --> 00:01:27,521
I bring you gifts
35
00:01:27,555 --> 00:01:30,391
from a little place
I like to call my pocket.
36
00:01:31,625 --> 00:01:35,263
Half a matchbook,
some lint and...
37
00:01:37,265 --> 00:01:38,732
No, those are my testicles.
38
00:01:40,768 --> 00:01:42,870
Merry Christmas!
39
00:01:42,903 --> 00:01:45,373
Merry Christmas.
40
00:01:45,406 --> 00:01:46,174
(sighs)
41
00:01:46,207 --> 00:01:48,542
And happy Hanukkah
to you, Davis.
42
00:01:48,576 --> 00:01:49,543
Thank you.
43
00:01:49,577 --> 00:01:52,280
I'm ready to
roll, dude.
44
00:01:52,313 --> 00:01:54,382
So what exactly
are you guys doing?
45
00:01:54,415 --> 00:01:55,649
Zack and I have
a long-standing tradition
46
00:01:55,683 --> 00:01:58,319
Where I take him on a surprise
Christmas adventure.
47
00:01:58,352 --> 00:02:02,256
Three secret locations,
two handsome men,
48
00:02:02,290 --> 00:02:05,426
one bench warrant outstanding
from last year's adventure.
49
00:02:06,560 --> 00:02:08,329
I'm in your hands,
Captain Hanukkah.
50
00:02:08,362 --> 00:02:09,663
You know the drill.
51
00:02:11,665 --> 00:02:15,303
Something dirty
about to happen?
52
00:02:15,336 --> 00:02:17,638
Only if you come with us.
53
00:02:17,671 --> 00:02:20,608
Okay, okay, okay.
54
00:02:20,641 --> 00:02:23,477
Enough uncomfortable
sex talk with my sister.
55
00:02:23,511 --> 00:02:25,446
It's okay if there's a little.
56
00:02:25,479 --> 00:02:27,781
Okay, we need to get
Zack's stuff
57
00:02:27,815 --> 00:02:29,717
out of his bedroom right now.
58
00:02:29,750 --> 00:02:30,884
What?!
59
00:02:30,918 --> 00:02:32,953
You promised me
you would tell Mom and Dad
60
00:02:32,986 --> 00:02:34,388
that Zack
lived here.
61
00:02:34,422 --> 00:02:35,589
What kind of
kooky Christmas
62
00:02:35,623 --> 00:02:37,791
have you got planned
for me, sister?
63
00:02:37,825 --> 00:02:40,528
I've got an extremely kooky
Christmas planned.
64
00:02:40,561 --> 00:02:42,796
And plus, as it turns out,
I did not do that.
65
00:02:42,830 --> 00:02:44,265
I did not tell them.
66
00:02:44,298 --> 00:02:46,600
But you told them
you were pregnant
67
00:02:46,634 --> 00:02:48,236
and you told them Zack was 22.
68
00:02:48,269 --> 00:02:49,803
Why wouldn't you tell them
this detail?
69
00:02:49,837 --> 00:02:51,572
How's that gonna
make Zack look?
70
00:02:51,605 --> 00:02:53,641
Oh, Mom, Dad, this is
the father of my child.
71
00:02:53,674 --> 00:02:54,842
He was sleeping in a van,
72
00:02:54,875 --> 00:02:57,911
so I said, "Come, sleep on
the floor of a room of a baby."
73
00:02:57,945 --> 00:03:01,815
I'm just not doing any more
weird explanations.
74
00:03:01,849 --> 00:03:03,351
Where are we gonna
tell them he lives?
75
00:03:03,384 --> 00:03:05,419
I don't know--
studio apartment?
76
00:03:05,453 --> 00:03:06,454
Make it a loft.
77
00:03:06,487 --> 00:03:07,555
Okay, a loft.
78
00:03:07,588 --> 00:03:10,591
He can't afford
a loft, Billie.
79
00:03:10,624 --> 00:03:13,227
* I can't be anything
without you. *
80
00:03:13,261 --> 00:03:16,264
Captioning sponsored by
CBS TELEVISION
81
00:03:20,634 --> 00:03:21,769
(sighs)
I can't believe
82
00:03:21,802 --> 00:03:23,637
that you didn't tell
them Zack lived here.
83
00:03:23,671 --> 00:03:26,274
I can't believe you didn't
tell them Nick was Canadian.
84
00:03:26,307 --> 00:03:27,275
(doorbell rings)
85
00:03:27,308 --> 00:03:29,577
You shut your mouth about that.
86
00:03:30,811 --> 00:03:32,012
(gasps)
87
00:03:32,045 --> 00:03:33,614
My girls!
Hi, Mom!
88
00:03:33,647 --> 00:03:35,349
(laughs)
89
00:03:35,383 --> 00:03:36,650
Oh!
90
00:03:36,684 --> 00:03:37,518
Mom!
(laughs)
91
00:03:37,551 --> 00:03:38,819
Oh. Oh, God.
92
00:03:38,852 --> 00:03:40,521
Let me see you,
let me see.
93
00:03:40,554 --> 00:03:41,722
(sigh happily):
Oh...
94
00:03:41,755 --> 00:03:44,592
Oh! Hello, little baby,
it's your grandma.
95
00:03:44,625 --> 00:03:48,529
I won't judge how you
came into this world.
96
00:03:48,562 --> 00:03:49,663
Oh! Feel that.
97
00:03:49,697 --> 00:03:52,333
Baby's first eye roll.
98
00:03:52,366 --> 00:03:53,334
Eggnog?
99
00:03:53,367 --> 00:03:55,469
Well, it is Christmas.
100
00:03:55,503 --> 00:03:56,970
Hi, Daddy.
101
00:03:57,004 --> 00:03:58,906
Merry Christmas.
102
00:03:58,939 --> 00:04:00,308
Well, look at you.
103
00:04:00,341 --> 00:04:02,876
Doing things
all out of order.
104
00:04:02,910 --> 00:04:05,479
Ew! Insulting me before
you even say hello.
105
00:04:07,481 --> 00:04:10,484
Hey, I think our cab driver
was a terrorist.
106
00:04:10,518 --> 00:04:12,386
Cab driver?!
107
00:04:12,420 --> 00:04:13,521
Nick was picking you up.
108
00:04:13,554 --> 00:04:14,855
I didn't see him.
109
00:04:14,888 --> 00:04:16,557
What?!
110
00:04:16,590 --> 00:04:18,392
Billie, where's Zack?
111
00:04:18,426 --> 00:04:20,394
Yes, when do we get
to meet Zack?
112
00:04:20,428 --> 00:04:22,029
In the future.
113
00:04:22,062 --> 00:04:24,898
Zack's a chef, like I
mentioned in my e-mail,
114
00:04:24,932 --> 00:04:26,434
and the restaurant he works for
115
00:04:26,467 --> 00:04:28,001
is opening another place
out in Los Angeles.
116
00:04:28,035 --> 00:04:30,404
But I'm sure
he's wishing he was here.
117
00:04:30,438 --> 00:04:31,639
Do you think
it's messed up
118
00:04:31,672 --> 00:04:33,507
that Billie didn't want me
to meet her parents?
119
00:04:33,541 --> 00:04:35,543
Dude, you have more pressing
things to worry about.
120
00:04:35,576 --> 00:04:39,613
Like, for instance,
I am not that good a driver,
121
00:04:39,647 --> 00:04:41,582
and I'm driving your van.
122
00:04:41,615 --> 00:04:42,883
Now...
123
00:04:42,916 --> 00:04:44,318
back to the adventure.
124
00:04:44,352 --> 00:04:46,086
The two wise men
were about to embark
125
00:04:46,119 --> 00:04:49,690
on a road trip through
the desert, on their way to...?
126
00:04:49,723 --> 00:04:50,658
Vegas.
127
00:04:50,691 --> 00:04:52,025
(chuckles):
Oh, dude.
128
00:04:52,059 --> 00:04:54,828
If only the wise men
had that much gas money.
129
00:04:54,862 --> 00:04:57,665
Anyway... they stopped,
130
00:04:57,698 --> 00:05:00,334
and you'll never
believe who they saw.
131
00:05:00,368 --> 00:05:01,902
Is this headed
where I think it's headed?
132
00:05:01,935 --> 00:05:03,871
What's your favorite
Christmas movie
133
00:05:03,904 --> 00:05:08,409
starring Bruce Willis
and the dad from Family Matters?
134
00:05:08,442 --> 00:05:09,910
Die Hard.
(chuckles)
135
00:05:09,943 --> 00:05:11,445
Nothing says Christmas
136
00:05:11,479 --> 00:05:13,714
like chucking a German
off a tall building.
137
00:05:15,649 --> 00:05:18,686
Silent night, my ass.
138
00:05:35,803 --> 00:05:37,538
Well, I'll be
the first one to say it.
139
00:05:37,571 --> 00:05:40,774
It just doesn't feel like
Christmas without James.
140
00:05:40,808 --> 00:05:41,875
Yes.
141
00:05:41,909 --> 00:05:43,711
I'll miss those
awkward back rubs
142
00:05:43,744 --> 00:05:46,647
you used to give him
in front of the Christmas tree.
143
00:05:46,680 --> 00:05:48,882
We all will.
144
00:05:48,916 --> 00:05:52,653
* O come all
ye faithful *
145
00:05:52,686 --> 00:05:55,122
* Joyful and
triumphant *
146
00:05:55,155 --> 00:05:56,156
* O come...
147
00:05:56,189 --> 00:06:00,461
So how have things been going
since you broke up?
148
00:06:00,494 --> 00:06:02,763
Mm... It was
difficult at first,
149
00:06:02,796 --> 00:06:03,997
but I'm okay now.
150
00:06:04,031 --> 00:06:05,466
Yeah?
151
00:06:05,499 --> 00:06:08,402
Oh, he was so rich,
he was so handsome.
152
00:06:09,703 --> 00:06:11,772
I just don't think
you should be okay.
153
00:06:13,807 --> 00:06:17,044
Would you like it better
if I said I wasn't okay?
154
00:06:17,077 --> 00:06:19,513
Yeah, yeah, I think I would.
155
00:06:20,681 --> 00:06:21,782
Honey, where were you?
156
00:06:21,815 --> 00:06:22,816
I was so worried!
157
00:06:22,850 --> 00:06:24,485
I was at the airport.
158
00:06:25,819 --> 00:06:26,787
No, you weren't.
159
00:06:26,820 --> 00:06:28,489
You were late, so we took a cab.
160
00:06:28,522 --> 00:06:30,090
No, but I wasn't late.
161
00:06:30,123 --> 00:06:31,759
She saw me.
162
00:06:31,792 --> 00:06:33,694
Oh, was that you?
163
00:06:33,727 --> 00:06:35,496
I wasn't sure.
164
00:06:35,529 --> 00:06:37,498
You waved to me.
165
00:06:38,732 --> 00:06:40,601
I had a sign.
166
00:06:40,634 --> 00:06:42,803
"Mr. and Mrs. Chase."
167
00:06:42,836 --> 00:06:44,538
She does that
to everyone.
168
00:06:44,572 --> 00:06:46,840
It's a holdover from
her pageant days.
169
00:06:46,874 --> 00:06:48,809
Oh, now, isn't that
just the darnedest thing?
170
00:06:48,842 --> 00:06:52,012
Edward, I told you
I thought that was Nick.
171
00:06:52,045 --> 00:06:54,815
Oh, 'cause there's
so many scams.
172
00:06:54,848 --> 00:06:57,150
Mom, people aren't always
trying to scam you
173
00:06:57,184 --> 00:06:58,819
or pull the wool over your eyes.
174
00:06:58,852 --> 00:07:00,521
Billie...
Hmm?
175
00:07:00,554 --> 00:07:02,723
What's this men's deodorant
doing in here?
176
00:07:02,756 --> 00:07:04,057
That's mine.
177
00:07:04,091 --> 00:07:06,660
Pregnancy. Stinky.
178
00:07:11,665 --> 00:07:12,933
Dude, why the long face?
179
00:07:12,966 --> 00:07:14,134
Ah, man, this is great.
180
00:07:14,167 --> 00:07:15,803
It's just,
I was kind of hoping
181
00:07:15,836 --> 00:07:17,104
to spend Christmas this year
with Billie.
182
00:07:17,137 --> 00:07:18,939
I feel you, dude,
but I don't think
183
00:07:18,972 --> 00:07:21,909
they let pregnant chicks
onto shooting ranges.
184
00:07:21,942 --> 00:07:24,778
At least not
outside of Georgia.
185
00:07:24,812 --> 00:07:26,847
So what do
the wise men do now,
186
00:07:26,880 --> 00:07:27,915
bungee-jump into a whorehouse?
187
00:07:27,948 --> 00:07:30,918
No.
But noted for next year.
188
00:07:30,951 --> 00:07:33,587
My friend,
we are about to step into
189
00:07:33,621 --> 00:07:35,656
the happiest place on Earth.
190
00:07:36,890 --> 00:07:39,760
* Ta-da!
191
00:07:39,793 --> 00:07:41,094
You get to pick out
192
00:07:41,128 --> 00:07:44,097
any Christmas
tree on the lot.
193
00:07:44,131 --> 00:07:45,766
It's a pot farm.
194
00:07:45,799 --> 00:07:48,736
Dude, that's not
how you say it.
195
00:07:48,769 --> 00:07:51,104
You say, "It's
a pot farm!"
196
00:07:51,138 --> 00:07:53,707
Honey, we're gonna be
short one chair.
197
00:07:53,741 --> 00:07:55,208
You still keep the
extra one in the closet?
198
00:07:55,242 --> 00:07:56,844
No, no, no, no!
199
00:07:56,877 --> 00:07:58,011
Um...
200
00:07:58,045 --> 00:08:00,948
Nick likes to stand.
201
00:08:06,654 --> 00:08:07,921
Weirdo.
202
00:08:10,791 --> 00:08:14,127
Not a lighter,
not a match, nothing.
203
00:08:14,161 --> 00:08:16,163
What's this?
204
00:08:18,899 --> 00:08:22,803
It's from Billie...
and "Unborn Baby No-Name."
205
00:08:22,836 --> 00:08:24,738
Oh, that's so sweet.
206
00:08:24,772 --> 00:08:27,040
Please make it be a lighter,
please make it be a lighter.
207
00:08:27,074 --> 00:08:31,945
Oh, they're cigars to hand out,
for when the baby's born.
208
00:08:31,979 --> 00:08:34,047
Great!
More things we can't smoke.
209
00:08:34,081 --> 00:08:37,150
"It's hard to find
the perfect present
210
00:08:37,184 --> 00:08:40,821
"for the man who gave me
the most amazing gift of all.
211
00:08:40,854 --> 00:08:43,591
I'm so lucky to have you
in my life."
212
00:08:49,096 --> 00:08:50,831
What do you do when you meet
213
00:08:50,864 --> 00:08:53,901
the coolest girl you're ever
gonna meet and you're only 22?
214
00:08:53,934 --> 00:08:55,268
Keep looking.
215
00:08:56,269 --> 00:08:59,607
I'm just kidding, man.
216
00:08:59,640 --> 00:09:00,808
I get it.
217
00:09:07,881 --> 00:09:09,950
Give me the nutcracker.
218
00:09:09,983 --> 00:09:11,985
And your nut.
219
00:09:17,858 --> 00:09:20,594
(clears throat)
So, uh, about my new
business venture,
220
00:09:20,628 --> 00:09:23,697
you know how hard it is to eat
yogurt when you're driving?
221
00:09:23,731 --> 00:09:24,832
No, hold on
just a second.
222
00:09:24,865 --> 00:09:26,867
Let me stop watching
this football game
223
00:09:26,900 --> 00:09:29,336
so I can talk to you
about yogurt.
224
00:09:32,105 --> 00:09:34,341
This is the longest
I've seen Nick stand next to Dad
225
00:09:34,374 --> 00:09:36,877
without hyperventilating.
226
00:09:36,910 --> 00:09:38,812
I know.
227
00:09:38,846 --> 00:09:40,881
I promised Nick
I would let him handcuff me
228
00:09:40,914 --> 00:09:42,916
if he would just talk to Dad.
229
00:09:44,284 --> 00:09:45,653
(mouthing words):
Keep going!
230
00:09:49,757 --> 00:09:51,992
This is a weird Christmas.
231
00:09:53,160 --> 00:09:54,995
Billie... Billie?
232
00:09:55,028 --> 00:09:58,031
I-I found a pair of men's
underwear in the hamper.
233
00:09:58,065 --> 00:10:00,901
Has there been a man here
that I don't know about?
234
00:10:00,934 --> 00:10:03,671
They're Nick's.
235
00:10:03,704 --> 00:10:06,206
He does that every time
he comes over here.
236
00:10:09,977 --> 00:10:13,013
Weirdo.
237
00:10:17,117 --> 00:10:19,152
Thank you for
marrying Nick.
238
00:10:19,186 --> 00:10:21,088
You're welcome.
239
00:10:21,121 --> 00:10:24,892
We are so getting
through this day.
240
00:10:24,925 --> 00:10:25,926
And we haven't heard:
241
00:10:25,959 --> 00:10:28,428
"Congratulations, you
just ruined Christmas."
242
00:10:28,461 --> 00:10:29,963
I know!
243
00:10:29,997 --> 00:10:32,032
We turned what used to be
a horrifying family ritual
244
00:10:32,065 --> 00:10:34,001
into an uncomfortably forced
social gathering
245
00:10:34,034 --> 00:10:36,069
we can barely tolerate.
246
00:10:37,437 --> 00:10:39,773
It's a Christmas miracle!
247
00:10:39,807 --> 00:10:41,341
No... no, no,
this is all us.
248
00:10:41,374 --> 00:10:42,943
We made this happen.
249
00:10:42,976 --> 00:10:44,945
I mean, as far as
Mom and Dad know,
250
00:10:44,978 --> 00:10:46,780
Zack is a reputable,
hot, up-and-coming chef
251
00:10:46,814 --> 00:10:48,315
living in a loft
far away in Los Angeles.
252
00:10:48,348 --> 00:10:49,382
That ain't no miracle, baby.
253
00:10:49,416 --> 00:10:52,252
That is all us.
254
00:10:52,285 --> 00:10:54,922
Dude, I don't know
where this next place is
255
00:10:54,955 --> 00:10:58,158
that you're taking me, but it
smells like old people in here.
256
00:10:59,359 --> 00:11:01,795
* Ta-da!
257
00:11:09,036 --> 00:11:11,872
Wow, this is great!
258
00:11:11,905 --> 00:11:15,042
Zack made it all the
way back from L.A.,
259
00:11:15,075 --> 00:11:17,210
and he's covered in
holiday cheer...?
260
00:11:19,146 --> 00:11:20,280
It's mistletoe.
261
00:11:21,849 --> 00:11:23,283
In my day...
262
00:11:23,316 --> 00:11:26,119
they called that grass.
263
00:11:26,153 --> 00:11:28,088
Yeah, I'm just going
to go change my clothes.
264
00:11:28,121 --> 00:11:29,289
Or-or-or-or
you're just going
265
00:11:29,322 --> 00:11:31,291
to dust off the
clothes you have here,
266
00:11:31,324 --> 00:11:33,360
'cause all your clothes
are at your place.
267
00:11:33,393 --> 00:11:35,495
Ah, yes.
268
00:11:35,528 --> 00:11:36,897
That is true.
269
00:11:36,930 --> 00:11:38,465
I forgot.
270
00:11:38,498 --> 00:11:40,467
You forgot
where you keep your clothes?
271
00:11:40,500 --> 00:11:42,770
Follow me, follow
me, follow me.
272
00:11:42,803 --> 00:11:46,774
Well, I can see where Billie
gets her shapely legs.
273
00:11:49,943 --> 00:11:51,979
And her icy stare.
274
00:11:52,012 --> 00:11:54,114
(yells)
275
00:11:54,147 --> 00:11:58,151
Don't you love how Nick
isn't wearing any drugs?
276
00:12:01,488 --> 00:12:03,123
What are you doing here?
277
00:12:03,156 --> 00:12:05,158
I don't know.
What am I doing here?
278
00:12:05,192 --> 00:12:06,760
Dude, you were getting
all sentimental in the van,
279
00:12:06,794 --> 00:12:08,161
so I thought you wanted
to be here
280
00:12:08,195 --> 00:12:09,162
to spend Christmas with Billie.
281
00:12:09,196 --> 00:12:10,931
So, here she is.
282
00:12:10,964 --> 00:12:12,399
Merry Christmas.
283
00:12:12,432 --> 00:12:15,002
And "God bless us...
284
00:12:15,035 --> 00:12:16,837
every one."
285
00:12:16,870 --> 00:12:18,071
Screw that.
286
00:12:18,105 --> 00:12:20,040
We had a plan.
287
00:12:20,073 --> 00:12:20,874
Yeah, what part of the plan
288
00:12:20,908 --> 00:12:22,375
involves all my stuff
being gone?
289
00:12:22,409 --> 00:12:23,877
The beginning part,
290
00:12:23,911 --> 00:12:26,079
where I told my parents
you didn't live here.
291
00:12:26,113 --> 00:12:28,248
Well, where did you
tell them I live?
292
00:12:28,281 --> 00:12:31,384
In a rent-controlled
studio loft.
293
00:12:31,418 --> 00:12:33,420
No elevator, but you don't mind
294
00:12:33,453 --> 00:12:35,488
'cause it's close to shops
and restaurants.
295
00:12:35,522 --> 00:12:37,190
Oh, that's nice.
296
00:12:37,224 --> 00:12:39,092
I don't understand why
you would lie about me.
297
00:12:39,126 --> 00:12:40,794
I'm a good guy.
298
00:12:40,828 --> 00:12:42,062
I-I go to the doctors
appointments,
299
00:12:42,095 --> 00:12:42,930
I make you eat your spinach,
300
00:12:42,963 --> 00:12:45,098
I rub your Hobbit-like
pregnancy feet.
301
00:12:45,132 --> 00:12:45,933
I would think
302
00:12:45,966 --> 00:12:48,101
that parents
would be okay with that.
303
00:12:48,135 --> 00:12:51,338
Look, my mom had this vision
of my life where I'm married
304
00:12:51,371 --> 00:12:54,341
and respectable and...
that's all blown to hell.
305
00:12:54,374 --> 00:12:56,109
And my dad is a retired Marine,
306
00:12:56,143 --> 00:12:58,879
who does everything by the book,
and there is
307
00:12:58,912 --> 00:13:00,080
no book for this.
308
00:13:00,113 --> 00:13:02,149
So, I told a teeny,
tiny white lie,
309
00:13:02,182 --> 00:13:03,083
which entailed me and Abby
310
00:13:03,116 --> 00:13:05,085
shoving all of your stuff
into a closet.
311
00:13:05,118 --> 00:13:06,854
Now, you
can go out there
312
00:13:06,887 --> 00:13:08,288
and tell them the truth,
313
00:13:08,321 --> 00:13:11,959
or you can hop on the
parental deception train,
314
00:13:11,992 --> 00:13:14,427
which will be running
for another two hours.
315
00:13:18,131 --> 00:13:19,432
All aboard.
316
00:13:21,568 --> 00:13:24,537
If that's what you want me
to do, I'll do it.
317
00:13:24,571 --> 00:13:28,141
Also, I did not expect your dad
to look like an angry giant.
318
00:13:29,176 --> 00:13:30,210
Spread 'em.
319
00:13:30,243 --> 00:13:32,179
(vacuum whirring)
320
00:13:32,212 --> 00:13:34,281
And we're back.
321
00:13:35,482 --> 00:13:37,217
I was just telling
Mom and Dad
322
00:13:37,250 --> 00:13:38,919
about Zack's cute
studio apartment.
323
00:13:38,952 --> 00:13:41,321
Loft. It's a loft.
Loft. Loft.
324
00:13:41,354 --> 00:13:43,190
ZACK:
Uh...
325
00:13:43,223 --> 00:13:45,058
Mr. and Mrs. Chase,
I'd like to start over.
326
00:13:45,092 --> 00:13:46,193
That was really
embarrassing.
327
00:13:46,226 --> 00:13:47,094
MRS. CHASE:
You know what?
328
00:13:47,127 --> 00:13:49,396
I say, sweetheart,
that we should just
329
00:13:49,429 --> 00:13:50,931
let bygones be bygones.
330
00:13:50,964 --> 00:13:53,200
Can I talk to you
in the kitchen?
331
00:13:54,334 --> 00:13:57,237
Will bygones be bygones
in the kitchen?
332
00:13:57,270 --> 00:13:58,906
Kitchen, kitchen,
kitchen, kitchen.
333
00:14:09,149 --> 00:14:11,318
(mouthing)
334
00:14:16,323 --> 00:14:17,657
Are those Figueroas?
335
00:14:17,690 --> 00:14:19,159
Uh, yeah.
336
00:14:19,192 --> 00:14:21,228
They're a gift from a friend.
337
00:14:21,261 --> 00:14:22,295
Yeah?
338
00:14:22,329 --> 00:14:23,663
That's my brand.
339
00:14:23,696 --> 00:14:26,266
Where can we go to smoke these?
340
00:14:26,299 --> 00:14:27,400
On the roof.
341
00:14:27,434 --> 00:14:28,601
Good.
342
00:14:28,635 --> 00:14:30,337
I wanted to talk
to you anyway.
343
00:14:30,370 --> 00:14:32,005
Alone.
344
00:14:34,607 --> 00:14:37,144
How about the stoop instead?
345
00:14:39,179 --> 00:14:41,148
Roof sounds good.
346
00:14:48,621 --> 00:14:50,357
Go up there with them.
347
00:14:50,390 --> 00:14:52,225
Oh, no, I...
I don't like cigars.
348
00:14:52,259 --> 00:14:54,494
They... they make me throw up.
349
00:14:54,527 --> 00:14:57,297
You go up there,
and you smoke a cigar,
350
00:14:57,330 --> 00:14:59,566
and you act
like a man.
351
00:15:01,234 --> 00:15:04,071
Dumped a rich,
handsome businessman
352
00:15:04,104 --> 00:15:06,406
for Dennis the gosh darn Menace?
353
00:15:06,439 --> 00:15:07,941
That's not how it went, Mom.
354
00:15:07,975 --> 00:15:09,309
I dated James for three years.
355
00:15:09,342 --> 00:15:10,443
He didn't want to marry me.
356
00:15:10,477 --> 00:15:11,945
Oh, that's lazy talk.
357
00:15:11,979 --> 00:15:13,213
What?!
358
00:15:13,246 --> 00:15:16,149
So, what's
your story, Zack?
359
00:15:16,183 --> 00:15:18,218
Uh, well, you...
you already know
360
00:15:18,251 --> 00:15:21,989
about my rent-controlled
studio loft.
361
00:15:22,022 --> 00:15:23,523
No elevators, though.
362
00:15:23,556 --> 00:15:25,292
That's hard.
363
00:15:25,325 --> 00:15:27,427
Hey...
I know you live downstairs.
364
00:15:27,460 --> 00:15:29,262
What do you think I am,
a moron?
365
00:15:29,296 --> 00:15:31,531
I was hoping.
366
00:15:32,565 --> 00:15:34,167
And no one's going to put up
367
00:15:34,201 --> 00:15:36,003
with that ruse,
unless they're really in love.
368
00:15:36,036 --> 00:15:37,670
I've been married 40 years.
369
00:15:37,704 --> 00:15:39,539
Trust me-- I know.
370
00:15:43,743 --> 00:15:45,245
(sighs)
371
00:15:54,754 --> 00:15:56,456
"Because I can't be there today.
372
00:15:56,489 --> 00:15:58,591
Love, Zack."
373
00:16:05,398 --> 00:16:06,699
"Mom...
374
00:16:06,733 --> 00:16:09,236
"Dad...
375
00:16:09,269 --> 00:16:13,240
Unborn Baby No-Name."
376
00:16:13,273 --> 00:16:15,375
(sighs)
377
00:16:15,408 --> 00:16:18,645
So... do you love
my daughter or what?
378
00:16:20,347 --> 00:16:23,216
Well, I'm lying
to a very large ex-Marine
379
00:16:23,250 --> 00:16:26,253
on top of a very tall building,
because she asked me to.
380
00:16:26,286 --> 00:16:27,754
So, since you're not a moron,
381
00:16:27,787 --> 00:16:30,457
you probably already know
that I do.
382
00:16:31,791 --> 00:16:33,360
The way this whole thing
happened,
383
00:16:33,393 --> 00:16:36,096
I-I know it's not by the book,
but in a few months,
384
00:16:36,129 --> 00:16:38,065
I'm going to be the father
of your grandchild,
385
00:16:38,098 --> 00:16:40,100
and I'm going to be around
a long time,
386
00:16:40,133 --> 00:16:41,768
no matter what you think of me.
387
00:16:42,802 --> 00:16:45,038
You know what I think of you?
388
00:16:45,072 --> 00:16:47,274
I think you got balls.
389
00:16:48,408 --> 00:16:50,043
And I like the fact
that you're willing
390
00:16:50,077 --> 00:16:52,412
to lie to me
to make my daughter happy.
391
00:16:54,314 --> 00:16:55,515
God.
392
00:16:55,548 --> 00:16:57,284
Why don't they just
make out already?
393
00:16:57,317 --> 00:16:58,651
Forget about them.
394
00:16:58,685 --> 00:17:00,387
Tell me about
your idea.
395
00:17:00,420 --> 00:17:02,289
Do you ever get stuck
in traffic?
396
00:17:02,322 --> 00:17:03,590
Yeah, all the time.
397
00:17:03,623 --> 00:17:05,592
And do you ever want
to eat yogurt?
398
00:17:05,625 --> 00:17:07,694
Dude, get out
of my head.
399
00:17:09,596 --> 00:17:11,498
So, how was
it upstairs?
400
00:17:11,531 --> 00:17:12,799
It was great.
401
00:17:12,832 --> 00:17:15,235
I got a lot of encouragement
about my automo-gurt.
402
00:17:15,268 --> 00:17:16,836
From Dad?
No, from Davis.
403
00:17:16,869 --> 00:17:18,438
Okay.
404
00:17:18,471 --> 00:17:21,374
Well, that's a step up
from nobody.
405
00:17:22,675 --> 00:17:25,478
James, would you
pass the yams?
406
00:17:26,513 --> 00:17:27,314
Oh, I'm sorry.
407
00:17:27,347 --> 00:17:28,481
You're not James.
408
00:17:34,721 --> 00:17:36,456
So, what do you do?
409
00:17:36,489 --> 00:17:39,792
The question is:
what do I don't?
410
00:17:41,128 --> 00:17:43,830
What the hell does that mean?
411
00:17:43,863 --> 00:17:46,099
What the hell
doesn't that mean?
412
00:17:49,536 --> 00:17:50,570
Um...
413
00:17:50,603 --> 00:17:52,872
I would like to apologize
in the form of a toast.
414
00:17:52,905 --> 00:17:55,242
An "apolog-oast",
if you will.
415
00:17:57,244 --> 00:18:00,747
Mom, Daddy,
416
00:18:00,780 --> 00:18:02,715
I lied.
417
00:18:02,749 --> 00:18:04,351
Zack lives here.
418
00:18:04,384 --> 00:18:06,453
He sleeps on a futon
in the nursery.
419
00:18:07,687 --> 00:18:09,622
I didn't want
to tell you
420
00:18:09,656 --> 00:18:11,891
because I was worried about
what you would think of me,
421
00:18:11,924 --> 00:18:14,161
and I was worried about
what you would think of Zack.
422
00:18:14,194 --> 00:18:15,428
But none of that matters,
423
00:18:15,462 --> 00:18:16,863
because all that matters
is what I
424
00:18:16,896 --> 00:18:20,833
and Unborn Baby No-Name
think of Zack.
425
00:18:20,867 --> 00:18:23,870
And we think
he's wonderful.
426
00:18:25,872 --> 00:18:27,574
Zack, I can't wait
till next Christmas,
427
00:18:27,607 --> 00:18:29,842
when we can hang these stockings
as a family.
428
00:18:29,876 --> 00:18:32,111
Then I can have
some real eggnog.
429
00:18:33,946 --> 00:18:37,217
And I hope that you forgive me
for lying to you,
430
00:18:37,250 --> 00:18:38,885
'cause Christmas
is all about forgiveness.
431
00:18:38,918 --> 00:18:39,852
And ham.
432
00:18:39,886 --> 00:18:41,554
Well, mostly ham.
433
00:18:42,855 --> 00:18:44,791
So, Zack, do you forgive me?
434
00:18:46,659 --> 00:18:49,162
I'll do you one better
than that.
435
00:18:57,970 --> 00:19:00,507
What is happening?
What is happening?
436
00:19:01,608 --> 00:19:02,875
Oh, my God!
437
00:19:02,909 --> 00:19:05,878
Dude, I'm way too high for this.
438
00:19:09,816 --> 00:19:11,251
Billie...
439
00:19:11,284 --> 00:19:12,785
(chuckles)
440
00:19:12,819 --> 00:19:14,787
I love you.
441
00:19:14,821 --> 00:19:16,623
Will you marry me?
442
00:19:19,526 --> 00:19:20,660
Congratulations.
443
00:19:20,693 --> 00:19:22,529
You just ruined Christmas.
444
00:19:26,966 --> 00:19:29,269
This is so unexpected.
445
00:19:29,302 --> 00:19:30,903
My whole life,
I always wondered
446
00:19:30,937 --> 00:19:32,772
what it would be like
to hear those words,
447
00:19:32,805 --> 00:19:34,807
and I just did,
and my head is spinning,
448
00:19:34,841 --> 00:19:38,545
and my ring
is a cigar band, and...
449
00:19:38,578 --> 00:19:40,480
(sighs)
I'm overwhelmed.
450
00:19:40,513 --> 00:19:41,781
So am I.
451
00:19:41,814 --> 00:19:44,284
Okay, look, I've tried
to do what you want
452
00:19:44,317 --> 00:19:46,953
and keep boundaries
between us, but...
453
00:19:46,986 --> 00:19:48,688
I love you.
454
00:19:48,721 --> 00:19:49,722
You're funny, and you're sexy,
455
00:19:49,756 --> 00:19:50,957
and you sleep down the hall,
456
00:19:50,990 --> 00:19:51,858
and you're carrying my baby.
457
00:19:51,891 --> 00:19:54,227
And I know
I don't make a lot of money,
458
00:19:54,261 --> 00:19:55,462
but I can sell some stuff,
459
00:19:55,495 --> 00:19:57,530
and I'm taking a course
on eBay right now to...
460
00:20:03,903 --> 00:20:05,238
Is that a "yes"?
461
00:20:11,678 --> 00:20:13,980
That's "I don't know."
462
00:20:15,014 --> 00:20:17,684
Can't wait for the "yes" kiss.
463
00:20:26,359 --> 00:20:27,794
It smells so woodlandy fresh
in here.
464
00:20:27,827 --> 00:20:29,962
Do you have one of those
little air fresheners
465
00:20:29,996 --> 00:20:31,398
that looks like a tree?
466
00:20:31,431 --> 00:20:32,732
Yep.
467
00:20:32,765 --> 00:20:34,367
All right.
468
00:20:34,401 --> 00:20:36,769
Behold the invention
revolutionizing
469
00:20:36,803 --> 00:20:39,005
the mobile consumption
of fermented dairy:
470
00:20:39,038 --> 00:20:41,007
the automo-gurt.
471
00:20:41,040 --> 00:20:42,975
Okay, so once the cup
is in place,
472
00:20:43,009 --> 00:20:45,011
you simply push this button,
Yeah.
473
00:20:45,044 --> 00:20:46,513
and the spring-loaded arm
gently...
474
00:20:49,782 --> 00:20:53,553
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