All language subtitles for Accidentally On Purpose (2009) - S01E10 - Class (1080p AMZN WEB-DL x265 MONOLITH)_track3_[eng]

So, if there was, like,
a beauty contest for uteruses,

mine would win, right?

I also think it would
win Miss Congeniality.

I said your uterus
was perfectly healthy.

I heard "perfect."

Did you two sign up
for that baby care class?

Uh, yeah, but because
of our work schedules,

I can only go during the day
and she can only go at night.

It's almost
as if we didn't think

this whole
"hooking up in a bar

and not using a condom"
thing through.

I'm really looking
forward to it.

I mean, no other guys I hang
with are having a baby,

and, you know, I'm hoping
to meet some other dads.

Maybe hang out.
Zack, I'm a gynecologist.

Unless this ends
with something weird

on somebody's vagina,
I can't help you.

This doesn't look like
any weed pharmacy I've been to.

It's a parenting class.

I lied to get you
to come with me.

I was thinking this was
the strangest selection

of bongs I've
ever seen in my life.

So, our mission is to find you
another dad to connect with.

A compadre.

Get it? Padre.

Whatever, dude, I thought
I'd be stoned by now.

Hey, what about
belted shorts guy?

This is kind of like
hitting on chicks at a bar.

I mean, what am I
supposed to say to him?

All my best pickup lines have
the word "hot" in them.

Just say, "Where'd you get
that hot braided belt, man?"

So, when the topical hair
solution didn't work,

I went with the pills,
but now I'm growing boobs

and I can't
get an erection.

At least you got
that hot belt.

* I can't be anything
without you. *

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So, two regulars
and a decaf.

Actually,
mine was a regular, too.

Really?

Do you know what caffeine can do
to a baby in the womb?

Makes them want
to have a cigarette?

No?

Okay.

Well, thank you,
Dr. Coffee.

I didn't see your stethoscope
underneath your apron there.

My doctor says I'm allowed

to have one cup of coffee a day.

You know, I hate to mention
it, but caffeine is...

Nothing.

Bad for the baby. Sorry.

All I'm saying is that
it's Billie's body,

and it's a shame the way
people are treating her.

Hey.

Maybe a journalist
who has a column

in San Francisco's
second most popular paper

can write a searing exposé

on how society imposes its
beliefs upon the pregnant.

Yeah.

Oh, you mean me?

Abby?

You are about
to be very excited.

Yay!

Whoa, calm down.
What?

Give yourself
somewhere to go.

I signed up for baby...

Oh!

...baby care classes,
and I want you to go with me.

Yay! Wait, when is it?

Tonight.

Oh, wait a minute,

tonight I have
my pole-dancing class.

But I can go to that
another time.

Yay!

No, I don't have a wife but
I got pregnant with this girl.

And we're not dating,
but I want to be a good dad.

And I'm a little nervous,
and I just want to make sure

we're as prepared as possible.

WOMEN:
Oh...

Okay, everybody,
let's take a little break.

I'm gay, but you are adorable.

I'm Toni and this is
my girlfriend, Dani.

Oh, hi.
Nice to meet you.

Hi, Dani, hi.
Hi.

So, lesbians, huh?

How great are boobs?

Well, her boobs are fantastic,
I mean, they're incredible.

You just wanna
get in there and...

She's talking
about her boobs.

And you're interrupting her.

So, boobs, go on.

Did you check out the rack
on the candy striper

by the doughnut table?

Dani, please,
you're a married woman.

You wanna grab a bear claw

and see if we can look down
the candy striper's shirt?

I would answer that,

except all the blood has
rushed out of my head.

Excuse me.

I like your wife.

Uh, lady-husband.

Girlfriend. Help me.

Uh... yeah, I like her, too.

So, uh, what do you
think of the class?

Uh, it's kind of frustrating.

You know, none of my friends
are having babies.

They're all having
Guitar Hero marathons,

hangovers and herpes scares.

Uh...

I was kind of
hoping to come here

and find a cool dad-to-be
to hang out with,

but I don't think
I really fit in here.

I tried to, you know, make
conversation with shorts guy...

Ugh, shorts guy
is such a tool.

I know.

I love your girlfriend.

She's lesbian me.

Why can't all
girls be lesbians?

Oh, wait a minute.

Holy crap!

Is that for the exposé?

Yes, I have gone undercover.

And I've gotta say,
I feel for you.

It is so eye opening the way
people try and stop you

doing all the
things that you love

just because you're pregnant.

I mean, I can't even
buy a pack of cigarettes

without getting a dirty look.

Oh, God, I miss Europe.

James, I have not yet
been reimbursed

from when I went to cover
the Toronto Film Festival.

And you won't be.

The newspaper business
is dying, Billie.

We are all rats
on a sinking ship.

All right, soon
as I get back from

my vacation in Tahoe, I'll
talk to someone in Accounting.

I think someone
is down there still.

Hello, boss.
Wow.

You, too?

I really don't pay
any attention.

So, for the purposes
of my article,

is it be okay if I come
to that class with you?

Okay.
Yay.

God, it looks so real.

I think I just
felt something kick.

Oh, I had the chicken curry
for lunch.

Mind your own
business, fatty.

Condemning a pregnant woman

for taking a wee nip
to calm the baby's nerves.

Can you believe
the double standard?

I think that's
just the standard.

Oh, my God, I am so glad
that you brought me here.

This was the type of thing
that I was so looking forward to

ever since I found out
you were pregnant.

Me, too.

It was my childhood dream.

Me, unmarried, pregnant,
parked in a physician's spot

hoping I don't get towed.

But with my sister by my side

making sure everything's
going to be okay.

All right, everyone.
Time to pick out our babies.

Dibs! Dibs!

I just mean dibs.

These cloth
diapers are great.

I'm done, baby's down!

It's not a contest.

I know, but baby's down.

Excellent job.

Yay!

How's it coming?

My baby will be potty-trained
very early.

You've put a diaper
on the baby's head.

It's a bandana.

Now he looks bad ass.

This is so much fun.

This is way better
than pole-dancing class.

Yeah, you're doing great.

A lot better at it than I am.

Have you noticed that?

Have you noticed that happening?

No.
Could you?

Could you start to?

You look mad.

I'm not.

I'm just frustrated that you
seem to be enjoying the fact

that you're doing
better than me at this.

That is not true.

I am here to support you.

Who'd like to be the first one
to take a shot at swaddling?

Me!

You know, I was kind of
hoping to bond

with some of the cool guys
in the class but they

totally shut me out
of their chunky dad clique.

I don't think they were thrilled
with how much hair I have,

or the ease with which
I can get an erection.

Not my favorite thing
either, dude.

Crap!

(whispering):
I think Billie's home.

Do you think she's mad at me?

Did you do anything?

I've done lots of things.

I'm eating her cereal right now.

What the hell was that?

I turned around,
and you were gone!

I almost dropped Daisy.

Sweet, it's not you!

I left because what was
the point in me being there?

That class was just
for you, wasn't it?

What are you talking about?

You were totally showing me up!

I mean, how'd you get so good
at this baby stuff, anyway?

What, are you hanging out at
family restrooms taking notes?

Diapering chimps at the zoo?

What are you trying to prove?

I wasn't trying
to prove anything.

I was trying to help you.

You're welcome!

And you were loving
watching me struggle.

I have to pee.

Do it in the sink.

You just can't stand to see me
be better than you at anything.

I always wondered
what it would be like

if I was better
at something than you.

And now I know.

You're so gracious.

You got the good hair,
the glamorous job

and the baby on the way,
but do I explode

in your face with resentment?

No, I keep it in.

I control it,
because I love you!

I love you, too!

Oh, you're home.

BILLIE:
Davis!
Oh...

BILLIE:
You heard everything
with Abby.

I mean, I'm right, right?

I mean, did Davis go to
your class and show you up?

No, he was a rude,
inappropriate assbag.

He alienated everyone.

See?

That's how a friend should act.

Abby can't do that.

You know why?

'Cause she's jealous.

She's jealous of my baby and
my perfect frickin' uterus.

My abs, your uterus,

it's not our fault
we're pretty people.

I love how you're
on my side right now.

Well, again, she's wrong.

What'd you say?

She's wrong.

I like you so much right now!

Zack, uh, where's Billie?

This is an appointment for me.

Do you see anything
on these posters

that resembles
anything that you have?

Because if I examine you,

basically, we'd
just be fooling around.

Uh, look, I know
you don't want to hear it

if it's not vagina-related...

...but you're
the only experienced father

I can talk to.

And I went to that class,
but all the guys hated me.

And I'm freaking out, so...
could you be, like,

my go-to guy for dad questions?

Zack, um, remember
that high-speed chase

that went from Fresno
down to Bakersfield?

Yeah.

Yeah, real nasty.

Uh, they put out the spikes
to flatten the tires,

big explosion, then the guy ran
away, and then the dogs got him?

Yeah.

Yeah. That's my son, Carl.

And my daughter
doesn't talk to me

because I had
her fiancé deported.

So, what can I help you with?

Oh, Abby's just
jealous of you.

That's right.
So I'm right, right?

Right, yeah,
you are right.

We pregnant women have
to stick together, you know.

Hey, this article's
just writing itself.

(phone ringing)
Oh.

Huh. It's James.

Hi, James.

How's Tahoe?

Yeah, funny story.

Uh, I didn't go
on vacation. I lied.

Okay. How's that going?

Uh, well.

I had laser eye surgery.

Now it's infected,
and I need you to come get me.

I'm so busy right now

writing my review.

Billie, stop tapping
on Olivia's cubicle

and come get me.

Okay, I'll be right there,
Grampa Simpson.

James didn't
go to Tahoe.

He didn't?

Crap!

So, do I have
to really write this exposé?

What have you been doing
this whole time?

I was ordering shoes.

(laughs)

*

Great place, right?

Great? This place
is amazing.

Everywhere I
look, it's, like,

my favorite kind of porn
is about to break out.

What's your un-favorite
kind of porn?

Well, the German stuff
is a little rough.

No wonder they started
two world wars.

So, Lesbian Me...

Yes, Straight Man Me?

Which one of these ladies
would be very open-minded

or so drunk that they might
mistake me for a woman?

DANI:
Well, I don't
know them at all,

but I heard they're
into Dutch boys.

That's what we
call straight men

who want to hook up
with a lesbian couple.

Come on, I'll be
your wing-lesbo.

I once was lost,
but now am found.

I was watching you in class,

and you really washed
that baby like a pro.

I could eat
off that baby.

I work at a restaurant--
it's just like scrubbing
a potato with limbs.

Okay, this is weird,
'cause you and I just met,

but, uh, Dani and I just
found out we're having a boy,

and I guess that's the
universe's way of saying,

"One way or the other,
you're touching penis."

(both laugh)

You're a cool guy-- so if
I need to talk to someone

if I don't know what
to do with my son,
can I call you?

Me?

Yeah. You're a natural dad.

You really think that?

Absolutely. And I did
not get good vibes

from the other guys
in the class.

Oh, well, I think
that's probably because

out of all of them, you
have the hottest wife.

Of-of course
you can call me.

Can I call you if
I have a lesbian?

That would be great.

Your friend is scoring.

Though he didn't
really understand

the whole Dutch boy thing.

(bad Dutch accent):
My apartment is
two blocks away.

Or, for me, two kilometers.

Are you sure I can't
touch you guys?

Yeah, okay,

that works, too.

(quietly):
Can you believe this
is actually happening?

So, what's
a lesbian bar like?

I've never been in one.
Oh, you'd do
great there.

They would eat you up.

I love lesbians.

Why do you keep
checking your phone?

I still haven't
heard from Davis.

Last time I saw him, he was
headed out to have a threesome.

I mean, when I
had a three...

I should've heard
from him by now.

I'm getting worried.

BILLIE:
Okay, it's been

two hours-- time to put
the eye drops in again.

So keep your eyes open.

It's burning.

I haven't done anything yet.

Don't be such a baby.

Oh, my God, these are
the wrong eye drops.

Those aren't the
antibiotics?
No, they're the
anti-inflammatory.

Why is everything "anti"?

Why can't we have
some "pro" drugs?

Come on, it's not
that big a deal.

What's going on with you?

I had this baby class with Abby,

and she was a total superstar,
and I was a total loser.

It made me think...

maybe I'm not gonna be so good
at this mom stuff.

Oh, come on, Billie.

You can read; they
have books for that.

Books only teach you so much.

I'm not sure I have
the instincts to be a mom.

I can't even keep
anything alive--
I mean, I think

I had a plant
that committed suicide.

And you know my fish I had
on my desk at the office?

No.
That's because
it only lived for two days.

In fact, I think it drowned.

I drowned a fish.

What if I'm bad with the baby?

There.

(laughs)

What's so funny?

Look what you just did here.

You took care of me, and I'm
the biggest baby there is.

Hm.

You don't have a mom problem;
you have a sister problem.

She finally outshined
you at something,

and it's bugging
the crap out of you.

It is!

Davis!

Buddy!

Are you alone?

Aw, screw it, I'm coming in.

Holy crap!
What the...?

(yells)

Aw, hey, Zack.

You're late for the par-tay.

What happened?

Dude, I was
in a little something

called a "ménage à trois."

And then I got
a little something

called "tied up and robbed."

Why did you come here?

You know, I just had
this feeling in my gut

that something was wrong.

No, I meant,
why did you come here?!

I was sitting here basking
in the glory of my experience.

Although, my nose
was getting stopped up,

and I couldn't really
breathe through my mouth,

so I was probably
moments away from death.

Good instincts.

Can you untie me, please?

Yeah, in a sec.

Hm?

(muffled talking)

For the family album.

(both laugh)

(laughs):
Billie!

Wait, I'm mad at you.

Abby, you're about
to be very excited.

Oh, really?

About our fight...

I was feeling insecure...

Mm-hmm.
...about becoming a mother.

Yes?

And... I reacted badly

to how good you were
at that class,

and I was wrong.

(laughs):
Yay!

However, I do think that
there's a slight possibility

that you were actually
trying to make me look bad...

(mouthing)

Well, now it is your
turn to get excited,

because you might be right.

Yay!

The truth is, you weren't
bad at the class;

you just weren't
as good as me.

Well, I did finally
figure out that swaddling.

I used tape.

Oh. That is clever, yeah.

And unsafe.

You're gonna be
a great mom.

And trust me, you are
gonna be so happy

that I'm good at this stuff,
because at some point,

you're gonna look at
that kid and say,

"I can't take another
minute of your fat face,"

just like Mom used
to say to me.

I love you.

(laughs)

You're gonna be a great aunt.

(laughs):
Oh.

But why didn't you just
call me and tell me?

Why did you have
to come here?

WOMAN:
Okay, who's up next?

Oh.

Because you showed
me up at my class,

so I'm gonna show
you up at yours.

*

...and cross and tuck

and fold...

and wrap...

and voilà!

This son of a bitch
isn't going anywhere.

See? You're already
getting better at this.

You're gonna be a great dad.

Yeah, we're gonna be
great parents.

Well, I'm late for
my pole-dancing class.

I got tassels now
and everything.

Cool. I'm headed
to the lesbian bar.

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